Monday, July 25, 2005
Hey Joel Stein, you want to hate on Harry Potter? Bring it, bitch.
My dear friend LL Cool Jew has this dreadfully stubborn streak, and she refuses to read Harry Potter. Not so much as a page. Instead of reading the Harry Potter books, she instead reads anti-Harry Potter articles and sends them out to all of her friends, including friends like myself, Whittlemania, and Fallonious Monk who are staunch HP devotees.
The most recent attack comes from an article written by one Mr. Joel Stein, who argues that adults who read HP are stupid, because it's a children's book. I really enjoyed this article, because I just love being condescended to by a syndicated columnist who has appeared on "101 Biggest Celebrity Oops!" giving his two cents about Lara Flynn Boyle's ballerina outfit from the 1999 Golden Globes. I love it when guys like Joel Stein tell me that I'm "stupid, stupid, stupid" because I enjoy the occasional easy read.
You'd think someone who has been featured as a pundit on E!'s "Most Starlicious Hollywood Makeovers" and VH1's "I Love the 70s/80s/90s" would appreciate the value of reading something just because it's enjoyable (which in my opinion cannot be said about the alternative he suggests for HP, James Joyce's Ulysses). I think that a man with such a large collection of Cabbage Patch Kids and Barbies should back off with the literary snobbery:
Stein doesn't stop there. Indeed, because his grandmothers didn't like the movie, I am supposed to feel "ashamed" that I am reading a children's book once I passed puberty. This goes along with other childish things that my generation does, like "wearing jeans," which is further evidence of our "stunted toddlerhood." One might argue that Stein's bitchy criticism, flawed logic, and esoteric arguments might constitute intellectual elitism, which even a stunted toddler like myself can tell you is usually a cover for deep-seeded self-loathing, an inadequate sex life, and yes, STUPIDITY. Usually pretentious fucks who spend their time telling other people what to like in the most erudite way possible is covering up their own insecurities.
I think that Joel Stein is just hating on Harry because far more people read Harry Potter than Joel Stein's stupid column. I mean, I enjoy Time magazine when I'm stuck in an airport or at the doctor's office as much as anyone, but I certainly wouldn't subscribe to be talked down to by some imperious brat with a liberal arts degree and a burning desire to overcompensate. I think Stein is also trying to make up for the fact that he looks like Harry Potter's (or in this case, Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who plays Harry Potter in the movies) long-lost Jewish cousin from New Jersey:
In any event, I'm going to keep reading HP, and will be first in line to see HP:GoF when it comes out in theaters this November. And while I'm geeking HARD on the Triwizard Tournament, I won't be watching Joel Stein jabber on about what he thinks of the "100 Hottest Hotties" alongside whatever other F-listers E! can dig up (and see yesterday's blog entry, I've lost ALL respect for the E! channel).
Finally to my dear Miss LL Cool Jew, I know you can't fully agree with this, no matter how hot you think Joel Stein is, because when we went to see War of the Worlds and The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe trailer came on, you fully creamed those Journalist panties you bought from the RAZZY.org store. People who live in kiddie lit houses shouldn't throw stones!
The most recent attack comes from an article written by one Mr. Joel Stein, who argues that adults who read HP are stupid, because it's a children's book. I really enjoyed this article, because I just love being condescended to by a syndicated columnist who has appeared on "101 Biggest Celebrity Oops!" giving his two cents about Lara Flynn Boyle's ballerina outfit from the 1999 Golden Globes. I love it when guys like Joel Stein tell me that I'm "stupid, stupid, stupid" because I enjoy the occasional easy read.
You'd think someone who has been featured as a pundit on E!'s "Most Starlicious Hollywood Makeovers" and VH1's "I Love the 70s/80s/90s" would appreciate the value of reading something just because it's enjoyable (which in my opinion cannot be said about the alternative he suggests for HP, James Joyce's Ulysses). I think that a man with such a large collection of Cabbage Patch Kids and Barbies should back off with the literary snobbery:
Stein doesn't stop there. Indeed, because his grandmothers didn't like the movie, I am supposed to feel "ashamed" that I am reading a children's book once I passed puberty. This goes along with other childish things that my generation does, like "wearing jeans," which is further evidence of our "stunted toddlerhood." One might argue that Stein's bitchy criticism, flawed logic, and esoteric arguments might constitute intellectual elitism, which even a stunted toddler like myself can tell you is usually a cover for deep-seeded self-loathing, an inadequate sex life, and yes, STUPIDITY. Usually pretentious fucks who spend their time telling other people what to like in the most erudite way possible is covering up their own insecurities.
I think that Joel Stein is just hating on Harry because far more people read Harry Potter than Joel Stein's stupid column. I mean, I enjoy Time magazine when I'm stuck in an airport or at the doctor's office as much as anyone, but I certainly wouldn't subscribe to be talked down to by some imperious brat with a liberal arts degree and a burning desire to overcompensate. I think Stein is also trying to make up for the fact that he looks like Harry Potter's (or in this case, Daniel Radcliffe, the actor who plays Harry Potter in the movies) long-lost Jewish cousin from New Jersey:
In any event, I'm going to keep reading HP, and will be first in line to see HP:GoF when it comes out in theaters this November. And while I'm geeking HARD on the Triwizard Tournament, I won't be watching Joel Stein jabber on about what he thinks of the "100 Hottest Hotties" alongside whatever other F-listers E! can dig up (and see yesterday's blog entry, I've lost ALL respect for the E! channel).
Finally to my dear Miss LL Cool Jew, I know you can't fully agree with this, no matter how hot you think Joel Stein is, because when we went to see War of the Worlds and The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe trailer came on, you fully creamed those Journalist panties you bought from the RAZZY.org store. People who live in kiddie lit houses shouldn't throw stones!
Sunday, July 24, 2005
E! should leave the serial killer coverage to CourtTV
I was just watching THS Investigates: Famous Serial Killers (THS, for those cheap-ass friends of mine who don't get cable, is an acronym meaning True Hollywood Story) on the E! channel. This is possibly the worst documentary on serial killers I've ever seen, as it neglects to discuss many of the great serial killers, especially the ones from Washington state. Ted Bundy was a major serial killer, and was played by Mark Harmon (star of Summer School) in a made-for-TV movie, so I think he deserves more than a passing mention at the end. Once again, a Tacoma native gets the shaft. Who asked THS to investigate anything more complicated than Tara Reid's drinking problem or Janice Dickinson's fake tits?
Anyway, as I said, this pathetic farce of a documentary was on about Aileen Wuornos, or at least Charlize Theron's "gripping" portrayal of said Aileen in the film Monster. Monster was a hilarious movie, for a movie about a severely mentally disturbed, homeless, serial-killing prostitute/rape victim/lifelong abusee. For example, the scene in which Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci hook up at the skating rink to the tune of "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey had me laughing out loud. That part was funny. The rest of the movie is mainly Charlize serial killing and having drunken redneck lesbian drama with Christina Ricci and it gets old.
Really, I think old Charlize won the Oscar just for letting her pretty ass go ugly for a movie, having bad hair, and speaking with a generic country-fried accent. Cameron Diaz discovered this strategy for garnering critical acclaim in Being John Malkovich, when she convinced the audience that not even a whiny bitch like John Cusack would like her broke ass. Apparently, this works, because it got Charlize the Oscar. So now that she's being "taken seriously" naturally Charlize had to open her big fat mouth and give the idiots at E! a detailed analysis of Aileen Wuornos:
"I just think that she was a flawed human being, just like all of us."
...Um, I don't know about you, Charlize, by my flaws include interrupting people, self-aggrandization, and flaking on people sometimes, not SERIAL KILLING!
"You know, like all of us, she had to make choices in her life, and she made some bad ones."
...Because murdering multiple people, robbing their corpses, stealing their cars, and dumping their bodies in rural areas are certainly "bad choices." Nothing gets past you, Charlize.
"But she had a really tough time..."
...And that's always a good excuse for serial killing? Thank God I have a ditzy Hollywood actress to reduce a complex subject like Aileen Wuornos to "bad choices" and "normal human flaws," which sounds like something off a Chicken Soup for the Soul Page-A-Day calendar. I am currently hating on E! in a most serious way. All they need to do is rerun Britney and Kevin:Chaotic and I'll hate them forever.
Anyway, as I said, this pathetic farce of a documentary was on about Aileen Wuornos, or at least Charlize Theron's "gripping" portrayal of said Aileen in the film Monster. Monster was a hilarious movie, for a movie about a severely mentally disturbed, homeless, serial-killing prostitute/rape victim/lifelong abusee. For example, the scene in which Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci hook up at the skating rink to the tune of "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey had me laughing out loud. That part was funny. The rest of the movie is mainly Charlize serial killing and having drunken redneck lesbian drama with Christina Ricci and it gets old.
Really, I think old Charlize won the Oscar just for letting her pretty ass go ugly for a movie, having bad hair, and speaking with a generic country-fried accent. Cameron Diaz discovered this strategy for garnering critical acclaim in Being John Malkovich, when she convinced the audience that not even a whiny bitch like John Cusack would like her broke ass. Apparently, this works, because it got Charlize the Oscar. So now that she's being "taken seriously" naturally Charlize had to open her big fat mouth and give the idiots at E! a detailed analysis of Aileen Wuornos:
"I just think that she was a flawed human being, just like all of us."
...Um, I don't know about you, Charlize, by my flaws include interrupting people, self-aggrandization, and flaking on people sometimes, not SERIAL KILLING!
"You know, like all of us, she had to make choices in her life, and she made some bad ones."
...Because murdering multiple people, robbing their corpses, stealing their cars, and dumping their bodies in rural areas are certainly "bad choices." Nothing gets past you, Charlize.
"But she had a really tough time..."
...And that's always a good excuse for serial killing? Thank God I have a ditzy Hollywood actress to reduce a complex subject like Aileen Wuornos to "bad choices" and "normal human flaws," which sounds like something off a Chicken Soup for the Soul Page-A-Day calendar. I am currently hating on E! in a most serious way. All they need to do is rerun Britney and Kevin:Chaotic and I'll hate them forever.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
VH1 on a Wednesday
While trying to sort through the VH1 shows on during prime time that I didn't see Sunday, I stumbled upon Awesomely Wacky Baby Names. VH1 realized that with the time was ripe to find a new use for the word "Awesomely," and I will admit that it's less disturbing than watching Janice Dickinson call her Downs Syndrome-afflicted bowling adversary "retard" and "Rain Man" (the jury is out so far on how I feel about this season of The Surreal Life. I know there's trouble when Pink's fiancee/pro-motocross-guy is more centered and together than Balki Bartakomous), so they created an "All Access" special to describe the trend of dumbass, self-indulgent celebrity idiots naming their idiot progeny idiotic names. Here are my thoughts:
-#40. Apple Paltrow-Martin. Duh. This is such an obvious one, I'm glad those geniuses at VH1 put it 40th on a list of 40. I definitely take umbrage to calling Coldplay's Chris Martin, AKA Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow, a "crazy rock star." This is like calling Dick Cheney a "sensitive peacenik." Now that the term "rock star" has been expanded to include introspective emo bitches like Chris Paltrow-Martin it no longer means what it once did, obviously. Who else does VH1 consider a "rock star"? Michael Buble? Josh Groban? Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur?
-#30-something. THE GUY FROM KORN IS INCREDIBLY FAT. He looks like he's taking Prednisone, or possibly has a thyroid problem/metabolic disorder:
Anyway, the guy from Korn (sorry, I don't know the HTML tags to make the R in Korn go backwards) named his kid "Pirate." Which would be cool, if he wasn't a douchebag who once released an album entitled Issues. Seriously, next summer, you'll see Jonathan whatever getting over his problem with the man or Christianity or a global economy or Bush or whoever to star on Celebrity Fit Club 3 with Wendy the Snapple Lady.
:::VH1 stalls and plays some Outkast while they talk about Simon LeBon's kid Saffron Sahara. Who cares about Simon LeBon? Aren't even people who watch VH1 now too old to consider former members of Duran Duran "celebrities"? I mean, I like a little "Hungry Like the Wolf" or "Wild Boys" every now and then as much as anyone who grew up in the 80s, but does that allow Simon LeBon to remain a blip on the pop culture radar almost 30 years after "Rio" was climbing the charts, when he has essentially done NOTHING since? This segment is clearly VH1's way of having an excuse to promote Outkast, both killing time and allowing VH1 to appeal to all those early-thirty-somethings who once had a mixtape with "So Fresh and So Clean" on it left at their house by a younger, hipper friend-of-a-friend. Everyone knows this is VH1's largest demographic, next to losers like myself with nothing better to do than watch shitty VH1 countdowns.:::
-#20-something. Director Robert Rodriguez, who sometimes kicks ass ( as in The Faculty and From Dusk Till Dawn) and sometimes SUCKS (as in the Spy Kids trilogy, not as though I've watched this shit), and names his kids Rebel, Rocket, Racer, and Rogue. Those are awesomely AWESOME names, if you're a nine-year-old boy with a X-Men comic and a collection of Matchbox cars. Gee, I wish my dad was director Robert Rodriguez. Oh wait, there's Robert Rodriguez, and he's a golf attire-wearing fruitcake. Never mind. I remain overjoyed and grateful glad my dad is the badass Raz-Ma-Taz.
Teen-something. Julia Roberts is such a dumb bitch. She named her son "Phineas" after a character from one of Julia's favorite books, the "classic masterpiece" A Separate Peace, which I guess is supposed to make her fans hearken back fondly to junior high English class. Let me state, for the record, that just because all of our stupid ninth-grade teachers made us read John Knowles's literary one-hit wonder A Separate Peace, doesn't make it a "classic masterpiece." That book sucked ass. It was about a bunch of rich, WASPy, whiny latent homosexuals at some white-bread New England boarding school, who face the sobering reality of the world when their ass-slapping, circle-jerky fun goes awry and one of their number dies in the most pussy bitch way of all time, by falling out of a tree and BREAKING HIS LEG. Who dies from breaking a leg? Man up, you loser. Guess who the dead kid was? You got it. Phineas.
Teens: "Audio Science Sossamon." Shannyn Sossamon played the role of dumb medieval bitch and dumb pseudo-psychic/spiritual bitch in A Knight's Tale and The Order, respectively, definitively proving that she and Heath Ledger are a perenially losing team. That means she's NOT a celebrity, except within the magical fantasy world of VH1 programming. And take some points away from VH1's shitty commentators, who keep saying "Audio Science! That sounds like a class! What is she going to name her next kid, molecular biology?" As far as scientific names go, "Audio Science" is about as academic as The Da Vinci Code is literary. It sounds like something some asshole wannabe DJ would call themselves to promote their Tuesday night gig at Club Idiot Hipster in Chelsea.
Ginuwine has a kid? Okay, that's it...I'm out.
And fuck you, VH1. Magnus and Atticus are not "wacky." They are dignified, assertive, Roman names that bust more balls than Nero himself, so next time shorten this special to 30 minutes and leave the O.G. Latin out of it.
-#40. Apple Paltrow-Martin. Duh. This is such an obvious one, I'm glad those geniuses at VH1 put it 40th on a list of 40. I definitely take umbrage to calling Coldplay's Chris Martin, AKA Mr. Gwyneth Paltrow, a "crazy rock star." This is like calling Dick Cheney a "sensitive peacenik." Now that the term "rock star" has been expanded to include introspective emo bitches like Chris Paltrow-Martin it no longer means what it once did, obviously. Who else does VH1 consider a "rock star"? Michael Buble? Josh Groban? Barney the Big Purple Dinosaur?
-#30-something. THE GUY FROM KORN IS INCREDIBLY FAT. He looks like he's taking Prednisone, or possibly has a thyroid problem/metabolic disorder:
Anyway, the guy from Korn (sorry, I don't know the HTML tags to make the R in Korn go backwards) named his kid "Pirate." Which would be cool, if he wasn't a douchebag who once released an album entitled Issues. Seriously, next summer, you'll see Jonathan whatever getting over his problem with the man or Christianity or a global economy or Bush or whoever to star on Celebrity Fit Club 3 with Wendy the Snapple Lady.
:::VH1 stalls and plays some Outkast while they talk about Simon LeBon's kid Saffron Sahara. Who cares about Simon LeBon? Aren't even people who watch VH1 now too old to consider former members of Duran Duran "celebrities"? I mean, I like a little "Hungry Like the Wolf" or "Wild Boys" every now and then as much as anyone who grew up in the 80s, but does that allow Simon LeBon to remain a blip on the pop culture radar almost 30 years after "Rio" was climbing the charts, when he has essentially done NOTHING since? This segment is clearly VH1's way of having an excuse to promote Outkast, both killing time and allowing VH1 to appeal to all those early-thirty-somethings who once had a mixtape with "So Fresh and So Clean" on it left at their house by a younger, hipper friend-of-a-friend. Everyone knows this is VH1's largest demographic, next to losers like myself with nothing better to do than watch shitty VH1 countdowns.:::
-#20-something. Director Robert Rodriguez, who sometimes kicks ass ( as in The Faculty and From Dusk Till Dawn) and sometimes SUCKS (as in the Spy Kids trilogy, not as though I've watched this shit), and names his kids Rebel, Rocket, Racer, and Rogue. Those are awesomely AWESOME names, if you're a nine-year-old boy with a X-Men comic and a collection of Matchbox cars. Gee, I wish my dad was director Robert Rodriguez. Oh wait, there's Robert Rodriguez, and he's a golf attire-wearing fruitcake. Never mind. I remain overjoyed and grateful glad my dad is the badass Raz-Ma-Taz.
Teen-something. Julia Roberts is such a dumb bitch. She named her son "Phineas" after a character from one of Julia's favorite books, the "classic masterpiece" A Separate Peace, which I guess is supposed to make her fans hearken back fondly to junior high English class. Let me state, for the record, that just because all of our stupid ninth-grade teachers made us read John Knowles's literary one-hit wonder A Separate Peace, doesn't make it a "classic masterpiece." That book sucked ass. It was about a bunch of rich, WASPy, whiny latent homosexuals at some white-bread New England boarding school, who face the sobering reality of the world when their ass-slapping, circle-jerky fun goes awry and one of their number dies in the most pussy bitch way of all time, by falling out of a tree and BREAKING HIS LEG. Who dies from breaking a leg? Man up, you loser. Guess who the dead kid was? You got it. Phineas.
Teens: "Audio Science Sossamon." Shannyn Sossamon played the role of dumb medieval bitch and dumb pseudo-psychic/spiritual bitch in A Knight's Tale and The Order, respectively, definitively proving that she and Heath Ledger are a perenially losing team. That means she's NOT a celebrity, except within the magical fantasy world of VH1 programming. And take some points away from VH1's shitty commentators, who keep saying "Audio Science! That sounds like a class! What is she going to name her next kid, molecular biology?" As far as scientific names go, "Audio Science" is about as academic as The Da Vinci Code is literary. It sounds like something some asshole wannabe DJ would call themselves to promote their Tuesday night gig at Club Idiot Hipster in Chelsea.
Ginuwine has a kid? Okay, that's it...I'm out.
And fuck you, VH1. Magnus and Atticus are not "wacky." They are dignified, assertive, Roman names that bust more balls than Nero himself, so next time shorten this special to 30 minutes and leave the O.G. Latin out of it.
Insomnia
I can't sleep right now, primarily because my theaterfag neighbors are having some sort of showtune bacchanal that involves en masse singalongs to the original cast recording of Rent (put "Baby Boy" by Beyonce and Sean Paul on next and force me to watch an all-night marathon of Friends and I'm living in my own personal Bosch painting). Also living in New York during summer months is like living in a urine sauna: everything is hot, hazy, humid, and smells like homeless people and garbage. I HATE summer in New York.
I already tried my usual tricks to get sleepy. I fiddled with the A/C settings, drank some Heinekens, watched some shitty TV (I Want to Be a Hilton should have effectively lobotomized me...it certainly felt like a lobotomy watching it during Law and Order commercials), and read more Harry Potter. Since I inhaled that book like a line of cocaine when it came out, and now I am rereading it to savor all the nerdified HP subtleties, a few chapters did start to make me sleepy. Just as I was starting to drift off...
Chingy! sneezed in my face. I open up my eyes to see that Chingy!'s monstrous pugged-out sleeping visage is about an inch away from my nose. To be extra Chingy!fied (translation: a bigger asshole), he then stretched out luxuriantly, kicking me hard in my premenstrually swollen tits, and yawned, treating me to an olfactory assault of dog breath. Chingy! has some of the most rank yet distinctive dog breath on the planet. It is like a putrid combination of a freshly detonated firework, rotting compost, and CK1. Adding to the odor is the fact that the heat has caused Chingy! to accumulate extra face cheese in his pugly face wrinkles, and this face cheese has ripened in the intense summer heat. Finally, to ensure that I don't sleep for the rest of the night, he walked over me (indignantly, like I'm in his way while I'm tossing and turning on my bed) and leapt on the floor, where he began snoring loud enough to drown out the Broadway-inspired nightmare next door.
I am now left awake, sweltering, to read more HP, fiddle some more with the A/C, and reflect on the fact that asleep or awake (although since Chingy! sleeps approximately 23 hours a day, it's usually asleep) he still manages to be an asshole without interruption.
I already tried my usual tricks to get sleepy. I fiddled with the A/C settings, drank some Heinekens, watched some shitty TV (I Want to Be a Hilton should have effectively lobotomized me...it certainly felt like a lobotomy watching it during Law and Order commercials), and read more Harry Potter. Since I inhaled that book like a line of cocaine when it came out, and now I am rereading it to savor all the nerdified HP subtleties, a few chapters did start to make me sleepy. Just as I was starting to drift off...
Chingy! sneezed in my face. I open up my eyes to see that Chingy!'s monstrous pugged-out sleeping visage is about an inch away from my nose. To be extra Chingy!fied (translation: a bigger asshole), he then stretched out luxuriantly, kicking me hard in my premenstrually swollen tits, and yawned, treating me to an olfactory assault of dog breath. Chingy! has some of the most rank yet distinctive dog breath on the planet. It is like a putrid combination of a freshly detonated firework, rotting compost, and CK1. Adding to the odor is the fact that the heat has caused Chingy! to accumulate extra face cheese in his pugly face wrinkles, and this face cheese has ripened in the intense summer heat. Finally, to ensure that I don't sleep for the rest of the night, he walked over me (indignantly, like I'm in his way while I'm tossing and turning on my bed) and leapt on the floor, where he began snoring loud enough to drown out the Broadway-inspired nightmare next door.
I am now left awake, sweltering, to read more HP, fiddle some more with the A/C, and reflect on the fact that asleep or awake (although since Chingy! sleeps approximately 23 hours a day, it's usually asleep) he still manages to be an asshole without interruption.
Friday, July 15, 2005
GoogleAds give me no respect...
In what has now amounted to a pathetic attempt to supplement my graduate income, I started placing GoogleAds on all the pages of razzy.org. According to Google, this is supposed to generate truckloads of cash because Google has incorporated Big Brothery algorithms into their software that scans my page content and presents custom ads. These ads are so customized that my loyal readers will have no choice but to immediately click on said ads and buy Razzy-esque products. Because clearly, if you go to the Hot Jews section, you must be interested in meeting Jewish singles or buying a menorah. Who writes this software? I suspect whoever it is has a pair of thick-framed, geek-chic glasses that are all the rage among pretentious compu-fuckers and in in cahoots with those hipster assholes at Friendster. If you go to my Friendster page (which is a shitshow, don't bother, I have ZERO interest in meeting more alleged quantum physicists from the Pacific Northwest getting their "graduate degree," whatever that means, at some shitty school in Connecticut), the number one search in "my network" is "Meet Korean Singles!", the second is "Louis Vuitton purses," and the third is "Want to Get a Masters?" 1. Only one Korean in my network. And since he is actually AMERICAN, and I've never known him to be desperate, I don't think he would trust Friendster to get him dates. 2. I am discriminating about who I sign up as my Friendster (or I was, when I gave a shit about Friendster for anything besides promoting razzy.org and contacting people whose cell phone numbers I've lost), and therefore I am convinced that all my Friendsters are smart enough to find out plenty about Louis Vuitton purses without consulting the all-knowing people at Friendster-beta. Furthermore, my friends certainly would not trust Friendster for fashion advice. 3. Again, most of my Friendsters are smart, and if they were to pursue postbaccalaureate education, I have a hard time believing they'd trust their graduate program search to the geniuses at Friendster. I know when I was like "Hmm, time to get a Ph.D.," I trusted the advice of experienced people in my field of study, rather than the sages at GoogleAds, and thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I might be blazing a trail towards a brilliant future at the University of Lazyass Underachievers/Phoenix, or the DeVry Institute of Technology (and this is applying the term "technology" toward skills like filing, alphabetizing, and taking people's temperature). Fortunately at that point GoogleAds hadn't fully disseminated their demon seed onto every shitty geocities page, and Friendster was just a fantasy shared by some ex-dot-comming hipsters with an iMac and a dream. Who came up with the brilliant program that "customizes" ads to advertise shit that people aren't interested in? If I were the boss of the idiots who wrote these programs, I would say "take what you just did, and now do the opposite." And if they disobeyed my iron will, I would go totally Heather Locklear from Melrose Place on their bitch asses. There's nothing that'll tame a pretentious nerd faster than revealing the emotionally withering-yet-fuckably blonde bitch within.
To place an insulting cherry on top of the GoogleAds sundae of irritation and annoyance, if you go to plain old razzy.org, where I try to (unsuccessfully, given my PageRank status) entice prospective readers, all the GoogleAds say: "Improve your brain power," "Raise your IQ!," and "Be Smarter NOW." Obviously GoogleAds must think that the people who read about my dogs, hot Jews, bad horror movies, 50 Cent and R. Kelly, and buy panties with derogatory descriptions of their chosen profession on them are morons who will be susceptible to purchasing quack cures for stupidity and can use all the help they can get. While this will undoubtedly improve to ads that read "Stop being so damn smart!" and "Stop making people jealous with your overwhelmingly intimidating brilliance and wit" once I post my Beverly Hills, 90210 fan page, I am still pissed that they've read my site and decided that everyone interested in it must be a horde of idiots who will easily be ripped off by a vague promise from a faceless, nameless site to give them the relative brain power of a jawless fish. If that's their selling point, it's no wonder I have yet to see the truckloads of cash that GoogleAds claimed I could make.
Please know that I value all of your intelligence, friends and Razzyphytes. Could I ask a favor, though? Would you please recommend my website to any stupid people you might know so I can afford to spend more money on my drinking problem?
To place an insulting cherry on top of the GoogleAds sundae of irritation and annoyance, if you go to plain old razzy.org, where I try to (unsuccessfully, given my PageRank status) entice prospective readers, all the GoogleAds say: "Improve your brain power," "Raise your IQ!," and "Be Smarter NOW." Obviously GoogleAds must think that the people who read about my dogs, hot Jews, bad horror movies, 50 Cent and R. Kelly, and buy panties with derogatory descriptions of their chosen profession on them are morons who will be susceptible to purchasing quack cures for stupidity and can use all the help they can get. While this will undoubtedly improve to ads that read "Stop being so damn smart!" and "Stop making people jealous with your overwhelmingly intimidating brilliance and wit" once I post my Beverly Hills, 90210 fan page, I am still pissed that they've read my site and decided that everyone interested in it must be a horde of idiots who will easily be ripped off by a vague promise from a faceless, nameless site to give them the relative brain power of a jawless fish. If that's their selling point, it's no wonder I have yet to see the truckloads of cash that GoogleAds claimed I could make.
Please know that I value all of your intelligence, friends and Razzyphytes. Could I ask a favor, though? Would you please recommend my website to any stupid people you might know so I can afford to spend more money on my drinking problem?
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