Monday, December 31, 2007
Happy Birthday to Rack!
So it's New Year's Eve, and I'd go off about all my resolutions, except that the only one I'm making is to get my player hater degree and actually get the hell out of grad school. That way I can sign MY name as "Dr. Razzy" and, unlike James McBride, actually be able to back up that title with a degree from an accredited university.
However, while I do plan on going out and getting rip-roaring drunk and hopefully laid, I won't be doing so in honor of 2008. New Year's Eve is always anticlimactic anyway, so it would be better if I had something better and more personal to celebrate. Luckily, I do! It's my good buddy Rack's birthday today, y'all! Thus, instead of celebrating New Year's, I'm celebrating that at this awesome party she is having:
Rack is the hotness, and the only thing I'm sorry about with regards to this party is that I will never be able to come up with a gift as dope as the "My Bitches" figurine she gave me for my 29th. However, I am making my mom's perenially successful artichoke dip and I'll bring some booze, as well as my inimitable party presence, as well as some party mixes of sweet jams (primarily R. Kelly and T-Pain), so hopefully that will make up for my lack of creative skills. Oh, right, and I'm giving her a shoutout on my blog, which should tickle her fancy as she is a dedicated Razzyphile.
Anyway, here's to another year of beach trips, boozing, "Beverly Hills, 90210"-watching, Smith College ex-girlfriend mocking, McAleer's patronizing, football watching, sushi-eating, Harry Potter movie attending, and general debauchery with my girl Rack--or Mac, as is her real-life nickname. Seriously, her real name is "Sarah" and every time she calls I'm like "Sarah...? Oh, RIGHT. It's Mac calling." Happy birthday to you, sugar tits! Tonight I'll be raising a Pepto-Bismol pink champagne flute (full of scotch) to your good health and happy future!
Much love and an emphatic "SKOAL",
XOXO,
Razzy
However, while I do plan on going out and getting rip-roaring drunk and hopefully laid, I won't be doing so in honor of 2008. New Year's Eve is always anticlimactic anyway, so it would be better if I had something better and more personal to celebrate. Luckily, I do! It's my good buddy Rack's birthday today, y'all! Thus, instead of celebrating New Year's, I'm celebrating that at this awesome party she is having:
Anyway, here's to another year of beach trips, boozing, "Beverly Hills, 90210"-watching, Smith College ex-girlfriend mocking, McAleer's patronizing, football watching, sushi-eating, Harry Potter movie attending, and general debauchery with my girl Rack--or Mac, as is her real-life nickname. Seriously, her real name is "Sarah" and every time she calls I'm like "Sarah...? Oh, RIGHT. It's Mac calling." Happy birthday to you, sugar tits! Tonight I'll be raising a Pepto-Bismol pink champagne flute (full of scotch) to your good health and happy future!
Much love and an emphatic "SKOAL",
XOXO,
Razzy
Labels: aging, alcoholism, Rack, Razzyphiles
Daily Douchebag: James McBride
DOB: February 5, 1961
Occupation: white supremacist, twice convicted felon
Hometown: Endicott, New York
Current residence: Endicott, New York
Douchebaggery: So yesterday I wrote a lengthy post detailing my annoyance with fake Doctor James McBride, some idiotic "Aryan Brotherhood"-belonging moron who practically begged me to pay attention to him and his dog and then plagiarized my website for his unremarkable ode to ranting incomprehensibly about Mumia Abu Jamal, Tookie Williams, and non-white people in general. Well, James, having nothing better to do, went ahead and made a new section of his website devoted entirely to me! Since I don't really want to link to this asshole, here's a screen capture:
I like how he refers to me as "Rozzy," apparently to prevent me from getting any traffic from him. Well, the joke is on Jaimie, because he already checks my website on the daily, so I figure I'm getting 100% of his traffic referred to mine. I guess I'll have to live without the three unique hits per year of other random white supremacists who visit his "Hate Mail" page and are interested in finding some useless bullshit. I also like how the best he can do to bust on me is suggest that my website looks like shit (no duh...how many times have I complained about that?), speculate that my apartment is messy (again, no duh, I talk about that all the time), and call me a "haggard looking aging debutante." Last time I was at one of the many high society balls I regularly attend, all the other socialites DID point out that I'm getting a little rough around the edges...I better go get some Botox or something!
I also like how James says that I have a "viral" hatred of him because I'm "a flaming dyed in the wool liberal." As I actually AM a virologist by profession, I don't know how my hatred of him relates to intracellular obligate parasitism, but then again, I have NEVER gone by the term "Mistress" (since I'm neither into BDSM or a fat goth loser), so it appears misnomers are a part of his cunning linguistics. I did appreciate his acknowledging my quick wit and nice tits. My tits aren't as nice as his, but oh well. Maybe in my next life.
Anyway, some fairly hilarious e-mail exchanges have been going on between myself and James since I advised him that I would be calling his racist ass out on my site. Since Razzyphiles seem to love it when I get into a flame war with someone who is way out of my league in terms of intelligence or word savvy, I figured I'd go ahead and post our correspondence for your amusement. Although James has posted most of it on his site, you would probably all rather read it here anyway, because my commentary is substantially better. In fairness, however, this is some of my material that James actually had the decency to credit me with writing. Maybe his New Year's resolution is to come up with his own damn content rather than ripping off mine.
If you recall, the last correspondence I posted between me and him ended with him going off on how "my type" always brings up Timothy McVeigh, and this segued into a long rant about how "Persons of Color" are responsible for all of society's woes. This was my response:
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)I figured that this response would either escalate the situation or get him into apology mode. It did the former.
To: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)
"My type"? You mean, people who don't view everything through a fucking Nazi filter?
You are right about one thing...I am an intelligent woman. And I have used that intelligence to realize that I have better things to do than argue with a moron who probably bought his doctorate from some website he heard about via spam e-mail, especially a moron who has flagrantly plagiarized my website.
Prepare to be douchebagged.
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)I'm not sure Jaimie entirely understands what plagiarism is. In the past, he all but bragged to me that he'd jacked some of my content, noting that his website was "inspired by" mine. And I don't know if I would consider him to be particularly sagacious if he were a "minority sympathizer," but probably not considering his regular commission of various grammar and spelling atrocities. Furthermore, he must not think I'm very wise if he thinks I'm going to believe for a second that he has "negro friends." Nonetheless, I replied.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
plagiarized? Well.... okay. I do indeed talk about my negro friends and rap music. You said i'm a moron. I'm wondering if i was minority sympathizer if you would consider me wise?
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)I figured that a clear explanation of what I considered plagiarism would get him to at least take that down from his site. Then again, he doesn't seem to get it in spite of my posting his offending material next to my original material. At the time, his website was down, and I thought that might be the reason. I thought wrong. Apparently, he was busy coding his tits off (and how much do you want to bet that the technical certification he earned in prison had something to do with computers?), making his site more readable for all the Razzyphiles who would ostensibly go there and experience his "refreshing ultra right wing perspective" for themselves.
To: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)
I would consider you wise if you weren't a flaming racist, and if you quit presenting yourself as a "doctor" when in reality you probably have a high school diploma and some technical certification obtained in prison, and ceased assigning the entire world's problems to every racial, religious, or cultural group except your own. Any person who assigns culpability to entire groups of people based on the actions of a few, especially when based on something as arbitrary as skin color or religious beliefs, is decidedly unwise.
I consider anyone who is so determined to remain ignorant to be a moron.
By the way, your site is offline. Too bad. You might have finally gotten that link from me you've been begging for, albeit probably not in the context you had hoped. I was also hoping to snag some pictures of your ugly ass with your fat wife to bust on. Pity.
It was wise of you to take your site down, though, because that warning on your front page was practically taken from mine word for word. Luckily I got a screen capture of that before jaimieandlisa.strangled.net went offline, because it's basically proof that you are infringing upon my intellectual property. Not that I'm going to bother taking you to court for it, but still. Just in case.
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)Oh, you speak French, "mom chere"? My goodness, all that fancy foreign gibberish in addition to your proficiency at website authoring has truly humbled me. You must really BE a doctor! That smattering of French and tech talk really does give you a nice veneer of intellectual superiority, which I'm sure comes in handy when "liberals rags" on you. But please, don't tease me like that with the prospect of linking to me. I've been really hoping for years that the marginally literate Aryan Nation demographic would take a shine to my useless bullshit in spite of my being "the first girl in my old neighborhood to date/fuck/suck a minority," and it really is cruel for you to dangle that prospect in front of me so tauntingly.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
took the site down? I completely revamped it. http://jaimieandlisa.strangled.net boob. I love it when liberals rags on me. This is particularly true when the ragger is an old debutante who's aging badly. Oh well, c'est la vie, ne-c'est pas mom chere? This site is written in php running on sql. Lots better than htm because if something ever goes horribly wrong you have all the data stored in your sql database, but why ramble on, eh? Explaining precursor hypertext and sql to your types is much akin to teaching a dog how to drive.
Let me ask you something: We're you the first girl in your old neighborhood to date/fuck/suck a minority? Something tells me you probably were. Oh well, thanks for the pitch and i'll be sure to link to your site har de har har
At this point, however, I was getting tired of bickering back and forth with James. He still was dodging any acknowledgment of jacking my material for his stupid site, and I was trying to watch the Redskins wallop the Cowboys, and his whole line of you're-aging-badly-and-you-fuck-minorities thing was getting awfully broken recordish. I figured I'd just reiterate my main points:
1. I'm not bothered by accusations of "aging badly" by some uneducated hick ex-con racist married to someone who looks like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Woman, except that I get mildly annoyed at being bored.
2. James DID plagiarize my material.
3. James desperately wants a link from my considerably more well-traveled site, and while I've purposefully not added the hyperlink to the numerous references to his site, I'm sure someone will actually paste it into their browser and go there, and he'll get at least five more hits than he normally would have.
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)Jaimie once again completely skated around the plagiarism issue in his response, choosing to interpret this as me accusing him of plagiarizing insults as well as his site "warning." He is truly dumb like a fox, as well as possibly a closet Smith girl, because he brings it with attacks on my self-esteem.
To: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)
Yawn.
Haggard debutante? Too bad you didn't decide to plagiarize some of my better insults, because that's pretty weak.
Enjoy the extra traffic, loser.
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)I'm full of shit? Let me get this straight: even though I CLEARLY pointed out what he plagiarized, Jaimie is going to call me "full of shit" in the same e-mail he signs with his fake title of "Dr"? I can't let that slide.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
I'm sensing you have issues with self esteem. Do you think that everyone is plagiarizing you? Have you called someone a haggard debutante? If this does indeed prove to be the case i suggest it's probably a matter of innocent infringement than out and out plagiarism. On the otherhand it's more likely you're full of shit and the notion of refering to someone as a haggard debutante never occured to you. Whose do say though? You're probably a nice girl and although you are indeed aging rather badly you do however look vaguely like my ex wife. Obviously she was something of a jaded old skank too but why get into all that?
Dr James E McBride
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)Ha. That'll learn him good. Or not. Once again, rather than respond to my very specific allegations of plagiarism, he insinuates that I'm mentally ill and that--horror of all horrors--I'm actually HITTING ON HIM.
To: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)
The only issue I have with self-esteem is that I have too much of it. And no, I don't think everyone is plagiarizing me...just assholes who copy what I write practically word for word right down to the capitalization (ie: "this website is FOR ADULTS ONLY BECAUSE I HATE KIDS," which I wrote on my site in JUNE 2006).
It's also pretty rich that someone who insists on referring to himself as "doctor" is busting on me for being full of shit and trying too hard. But thank you for saying I look like your ex-wife, because God knows she's got to be hotter than your current wife, as long as we're on the topic of haggard bitches succumbing to the ravages of age.
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)I just told Herr Doktor that the prospect of me being his "shortie" was extremely wishful thinking on his part (and I guess the whole "Once You Go Black, You Can't Come Back" is out the window? I can hardly blame him...compared to his wife I look like fucking Gisele). At this point, I have better things to do than engage in a battle of wits with this fucktard, as it's tantamount to shooting fish in a barrel. For another thing, I have a feeling that this could go on forever, since Jaimie probably has nothing better to do than talk a bunch of banal smack to avoid admitting that he is too dumb to come up with his own content and thus has to appropriate mine. I am also bored of his whole "doctor" thing, since the only august institution he is an alumnus of is the New York State Department of Correctional Services for multiple felony assault convictions.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Jeepers creepers Raz, have you taken your medication today? You're bipolar or something aren't you? In anycase you're going to have to ease off my johnson or i'm going to start thinking you want to be daddy's little shortie LOL! I read your douchbaggery of me a lot closer and i note your hip to sandnigger speak as well as regular nigger speak. I can't say i'm surprised.
Herr Doktor
He probably has all day to sit around working out and hating on persons of color and sending me poorly composed e-mails insulting me in the hopes of teasing me into sending more site traffic his way. His time would be better spent brushing up on racial slurs with which to pepper his site that nobody reads and having nauseating sex with his Hostess cupcake-filled wife. What a fucking loser.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, ranting, Razzy Haters, retard rage, scathing indictments
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Taylor Swift
DOB: December 13, 1989
Occupation: country singer, barely legal object of fantasy, world class cocktease
Hometown: Wyomissing, Pennsylvania
Current residence: Nashville, Tennessee
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Well, I really don't care much about Taylor Swift. She's hot in a country singer kind of way, I guess, but she's got a little too much hair for my taste. Not that I wouldn't sit on her face if given the opportunity (now that she's just turned 18, don't call Chris Hansen), but I can imagine that chick is going to have a very short shelf life. For one thing, take a look at her mom:
This whole post is actually just throwing a bone to my buddy HotLawyer, "bone" being the operative term because that's precisely what he wants to do to Taylor Swift. Badly. Yesterday, he was texting me about the Seahawks game that I couldn't watch on account of it not being on TV here in New York (and my not bothering to go to my usual football bar to watch every team play their second stringers in the last game of the NFL regular season), and all of a sudden I get a text from him that reads along the lines of "Taylor Swift is just so fuckable! I just saw her video." This makes me think that no matter how many times HotLawyer insists he prefers brunettes, it's all a front because the overwhelming evidence suggests that like any decent gentlemen, he prefers blondes. We have more fun, after all.
Taylor Swift is lucky that she's a talented songwriter (so the internets tell me...I don't listen to country music unless it's being performed by a certain awesome American flag-guitar-toting patriot/Ford truck spokesman named Toby Keith), because if she weren't in country music, she has would-be porn star written all over her. She even looks like a younger, fresher, less used Hannah Harper:
And on another note, who wants to put money on Taylor Swift being Tony Romo's next girlfriend? She's totally the type. I smell a pink Cowboys jersey in her future.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot chicks, HotLawyer, kewlness, porn, sluts
Sunday, December 30, 2007
There's a fine line between Razzyphilia and Razzy Hatred
A while ago, I got an email from some Razzyphile expressing his love and gratitude for yours truly. Okay, it was more like crazy rambling about Tookie Williams and how this guy's fake persona got kicked off Yahoo chat, but I think it was fan mail. At least, "I like your site" was one of the few coherent sentiments expressed in it.
My exclamations of "sha right" became more emphatic as I read his "refreshing ultra right wing opinion" on a variety of news stories. First, he goes off on Muslim women, specifically noting "I just don't care what muslim men do to muslim women. I think they're all dirty little animals and it just doesn't much matter to me what in the hell they do to one another and it seriously bothers me that white americans care."
It seriously bothers ME that you think I would ever link to a site containing sentiments like that. Next, Jaimie decides to express his sentiments on who is responsible for prostitution in whatever part of buttfuck upstate NY he lives in.
Because OF COURSE the hick cops managed to bust only johns of color. Whatever, Jaimie. Anyway, back to Jaimie's favorite subject: making idiotic racial slurs! This time, he hates on the Asians.
Ah, right. "Liberals" are offended by anything that is not an interracial relationship. I guess that explains why I can generally be found doing the nasty with blacks, Latinos, and Jews and NOT "staying with my own kind." Oh, right...I've fucked lots of white guys too. My sexual partners are like Skittles: I taste the rainbow, baby! High five to me!
Anyway, now James decides to demonstrate what a classy guy he is when he wishes he could have gone to a "liberal public school" in order to be molested by a hot teacher who doesn't teach kids how to hate Muslims properly.
And as long we're on the subject of kids complaining about being molested...time for some commentary on pedophile priests, and how their victims are all a bunch of liars!
Wait, you hated the priests but they are the finest people you've ever met? Do the clergy at St. Paul's and Catholic Central hate Muslims too? As always, I'm confused by Jaimie's "object hypocrisy." Anyway, back to hating Islam!
God, no wonder this guy has the cops coming to his house. He can't even walk his dogs without being a total fucking asshole.
Rather than start a pointless war with him, I sent him an e-mail saying that his dog was "kick ass" (the dog is cute, and it's not Jack's fault his owner is a dipshit), but that I strongly disagreed with his political views. I hoped that a succinct e-mail would discourage him from continuing his correspondence with me, and pestering me for a shout-out on my site. Although I am not always the nicest person, people who read my site know that I don't consider racism to be funny or to fall under the heading of "useless bullshit" that people might actually want to read. I would not even link to--and thereby endorse--a site containing nothing but post after post of moronic, knuckle-dragging idiocy, no matter how many times I was complimented or how many pictures of cute dogs I received. If I want to see cute dogs, I can look at the two canines snoring on my bed or couch and skip the paranoid bloviating about Muslims and minorities and liberals and their culpability for all the world's problems.
Unfortunately, this did not discourage Jaimie from writing back. In fact, he decided that he would more directly ask for a shoutout to his site, as well as offer his computer help.
I can't believe that, to top off the meritless rant about "Persons of Color" he just treated me to, he implies that my intelligence is suspect if I don't agree with him and reiterates that he is a "Doctor." Fuck that. Not only am I intelligent enough to question how a man whose MySpace profile lists his highest educational achievement as his high school diploma obtained a doctorate (most likely he bought it online), I'm intelligent enough to realize that when he says his website was "inspired by" mine, he actually meant FLAGRANTLY PLAGIARIZED:
I can't believe this asshole actually had the audacity to beg me for a link when he practically copied what I wrote word-for-word (tweaking it only to dumb it down). Mercifully, Dr. Jaimie didn't follow my lead and put up a picture of himself and his fat wife trying to look sexy, because...yikes. Newsflash: nobody wants to hear about "hot sex" between a pair of racist terrestrial whales. I mean, I'm sure someone out there wants to hear about how Jaimie has to lift his trashy-ass wife's prodigious gunt in order to access her rank, cheesy snatch, or how sexy it is when she peels off his metallic hammer pants and deep-throats all three inches of his chapstick, but it's not me.
I think that even my detractors can agree they'd WAY rather see my pasty ass in a lab coat than see Jaimie and his corpulent wife Lisa do their best "Welcome to our trailer/meth lab, y'all!" routine. Even if they put on normal clothes (hint: vertical stripes make you look thinner), gave Dr. McBride the haircut he so DESPERATELY needs, and touched up Lisa's Ogilvy home perm, I can't imagine that anyone except a true glutton for punishment would want to gaze upon these two for longer than a mere glance. Looking at them for as long as it has taken to write this post has me practically choking on phantom anhydrous ammonia fumes.
Not surprisingly, Jaimie's website has mysteriously vanished from the internets upon my informing him that he should brace his flabby, impotent ass for ignonimy. A word to the unwise: pester me with e-mails expecting me to see the light and agree with your fucking appalling, abysmally stupid, poorly articulated, Aryan Nation-inspired racist rants, and this is what you get. Enjoy being owned by me, douchebag.
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)I wasn't entirely sure why Jaimie was so proud of "the powers that be" shutting his "completely interactive and highly controversial" site down for pointing out the "object hypocrisy" of hippies or black people or whatever, and I really had no idea how this related to Razzy's Rejects. In my view, there is a big difference between busting on an individual person for being an asshole, and busting on an entire demographic group because a couple of their numbers were assholes. I suppose Dr. James E. McBride felt that I might applaud him for going to such lengths to fuck with whatever dipshits spend their time in Yahoo political chat rooms. I think I probably responded with a terse "thanks", if at all. However, Jaimie was not done reaching out to me. In fact, he was just getting warmed up begging for my attention.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: i like your site
As the powers that be recently suggested I shut my sites down I'm going through a withdrawal kind of thing and took to randomly surfing the net like the other swine. My site was very cool, completely interactive and highly controversial. Mostly I trolled idiocy that is Yahoo Political Chat and promoted my site, just to bust balls. The fast majority of the braying asses on yahoo chat are left wing conspiracy kooks who love The Diversified (LOL(I know you're one of them)) frequently refer to Islam is The Religion of Peace. I was merciless. You know as well as I do how gullible the nitwits in zombieland are.
For all their constant whining and crying and, of course, their object hypocrisy I felt duty bound to give them what they've been asking for all these years... or at least what they deserve. And so like your section fucking with the trolls who hit on you I did much the same thing except my beefs were more politically motivated. Like the fat kid on South Park, I hate hippies. I hate all their anti war bullshit, I have their smugness, I hate the ground they walk on.
But what to do? They're always bitching and whining about our country, the cops, every fucking thing. Like that mass shooting at VT, they whined that the cops weren't aggressive enough yet that drunk cunt at some fucking airport who died in police custody was Police Brutality. The liberals were over joyed when Timothy McVeigh got smoked (as was I) yet when they killed Tookie Williams, it was racist. I think that was when I snapped. Fuck Tookie Williams, you know?
Comes now http://profiles.yahoo.com/wolfgang_hoenicher . Wolfie, as they came to call him (me, duh) was everything they hated in this world. I was an Arch Conservative, seriously, heavily racist White Christian Male, who sometimes dabbled in fagdom (to ward off any chance of boredom coming on. Wolfgang was married to a Serbian refugee named Dragana Strajnic, who sometimes went on line and told tales of torturing muslim children to get information from their parents.
They believed every thing I told them. Everything. I told them I owned two adult bookstores upstate and made a fortune off the closet queens using the loops. I told them I owned three rooming houses in Syracuse having made a deal with NYS Parole rented exclusively to level 2 and 3 sex offenders for $250 a week per offender. They thought my wife's life in girlfriend (dare I wish) was named Lana Damarkov who was from Kiev. Lana got me a job doing the books for the organizatsiya for which they rewarded me with a co-op on Brighton Beach Avenue. I've never been to Brooklyn and my wife was born and raised in upstate NY.
I suppose I'm writing because I like your site and I especially like the meanness of your work. Our sites are much, much different because I attacked whole segments of society while you attack individuals. Alas my sites are gone now and it looks like i'm going to have to lay low for a while, perhaps quite a while.
In any case i have to walk my dog, a beautiful fawn american pitbull, and that's about it. I like your site.
Dr James E McBride
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)I went to this site, but oddly the link didn't take me to his site proper. Somehow I ended up at his Topix profile, and immediately scoffed audibly at the prospect of posting anything about his dog or linking to his site as he was heavy-handedly hinting he'd like me to do.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: RE: my kick as dog!
here's a kick ass dog!!! i'd freak if you put him on your site. His name is Jack, he's mostly american pitbull with a tiny pit of ridgeback. he'll be a year old on Christmas Day.
http://jaimieandlisa.strangled.net
this is my site which in many ways was inspired by your site. it's really new and i'm just starting to fill it up with useless shit.
My exclamations of "sha right" became more emphatic as I read his "refreshing ultra right wing opinion" on a variety of news stories. First, he goes off on Muslim women, specifically noting "I just don't care what muslim men do to muslim women. I think they're all dirty little animals and it just doesn't much matter to me what in the hell they do to one another and it seriously bothers me that white americans care."
It seriously bothers ME that you think I would ever link to a site containing sentiments like that. Next, Jaimie decides to express his sentiments on who is responsible for prostitution in whatever part of buttfuck upstate NY he lives in.
Because OF COURSE the hick cops managed to bust only johns of color. Whatever, Jaimie. Anyway, back to Jaimie's favorite subject: making idiotic racial slurs! This time, he hates on the Asians.
Ah, right. "Liberals" are offended by anything that is not an interracial relationship. I guess that explains why I can generally be found doing the nasty with blacks, Latinos, and Jews and NOT "staying with my own kind." Oh, right...I've fucked lots of white guys too. My sexual partners are like Skittles: I taste the rainbow, baby! High five to me!
Anyway, now James decides to demonstrate what a classy guy he is when he wishes he could have gone to a "liberal public school" in order to be molested by a hot teacher who doesn't teach kids how to hate Muslims properly.
And as long we're on the subject of kids complaining about being molested...time for some commentary on pedophile priests, and how their victims are all a bunch of liars!
Wait, you hated the priests but they are the finest people you've ever met? Do the clergy at St. Paul's and Catholic Central hate Muslims too? As always, I'm confused by Jaimie's "object hypocrisy." Anyway, back to hating Islam!
God, no wonder this guy has the cops coming to his house. He can't even walk his dogs without being a total fucking asshole.
Rather than start a pointless war with him, I sent him an e-mail saying that his dog was "kick ass" (the dog is cute, and it's not Jack's fault his owner is a dipshit), but that I strongly disagreed with his political views. I hoped that a succinct e-mail would discourage him from continuing his correspondence with me, and pestering me for a shout-out on my site. Although I am not always the nicest person, people who read my site know that I don't consider racism to be funny or to fall under the heading of "useless bullshit" that people might actually want to read. I would not even link to--and thereby endorse--a site containing nothing but post after post of moronic, knuckle-dragging idiocy, no matter how many times I was complimented or how many pictures of cute dogs I received. If I want to see cute dogs, I can look at the two canines snoring on my bed or couch and skip the paranoid bloviating about Muslims and minorities and liberals and their culpability for all the world's problems.
Unfortunately, this did not discourage Jaimie from writing back. In fact, he decided that he would more directly ask for a shoutout to his site, as well as offer his computer help.
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)Jack is kick ass enough for my site, but sadly, affiliation with dickless, mouth-breathing trash is not. I was relieved I hadn't actually stumbled upon the many political essays he's supposedly posted on the net (likely on account of my not keeping up with various Aryan Nation websites), because those few blurbs on his Topix page were more than enough. I elected not to respond, and hoped that Jaimie would keep busy decorating his double-wide with swastikas and unprovokedly harassing local chicken restaurant owners by ordering pork chops in a clearly halal establishment. I figured that, much like when I'm trying to dodge some overbearing honey who felt that a night of unremarkable jackhammering was tantamount to the beginning of a beautiful relationship, silence is more effective than dialogue. Unfortunately, Jaimie was not going to be so easily deterred.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: RE: my kick as dog!
thanks for calling jack kick ass!!!! as for my political views? did you Google us or something because although I have a great many political essays on the web there's only three on this particular site. I'm planning on doing a piece on Keith Olbermann who I absolutely despise.
I agree we are probably at very different ends of the political spectrum but i really do like the mean spiritedness of your website. Let me ask you something: are you hosting your own server? Which is to say is your site on a commerical server ie some kind of site hosting thing or are you running your own server?
I'm running my own. I have an ibm xseries server and roadrunner t-1 services. the site you apparently viewed (i could check the apache logs but why bother?) is written in php/sql/flash and a little bit of javascript.
If you want any banners or any kind of easy shit let me know and i'll do it for a mere mention in your site, which i think is awesome. My site is lacking in content at this time because the last one got shut down--cops at the house any everything!!!
The the mutts on yahoo chat believed this persona i created over the years and they turned me in. Oh well, i hope you write back because--for some reason--i like you and the site is cool. Is Jack Kick ass enough for your site?
Jaimie
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)Are you kidding me? You want me to bust on victims of molestation? Clearly, Dr. McBride is not going to leave me alone so long as he thinks I'm at least tolerant of his fucked-up, paranoid, certifiably insane beliefs.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: another catholic schooler
Raz:
I know you think i'm a right wing war monging racist but i have a question.
i note you went to a catholic grammar school. I went all though catholic
school. So did my parents and my kids. I don't have any first hand
information of anyone who ever got molested by a priest. Do You? I think
these mutts with their oh so sad tales are ruining the lives of fine, fine
men because The Church has deep pockets and no balls. What say you razzy?
dr james e mcbride
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)Jaimie wrote me back the same day. Rather than get the message that he should just fuck promptly off, he decided to reiterate his hatred for minorities via his old standbys: Tookie Williams and Mumia Abu Jamal. Apparently, "my type" can't see what is obvious to him: blame it on the people of color!
To: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)
Subject: RE: another catholic schooler
Listen, Jaimie, I am glad you like my site, but you are right when saying that I do think
you are a racist. I know you have said that this is part of some persona you have
created to ostensibly amuse people, but I don't think there is anything funny about it. I dislike your pervasive use of the term "mutts" (as well as "sandniggers", "gooks", etc.) and I have a hard time believing that behind your internet views, you are anything other than the type of person whose ignorant and backwards views I have grown up despising.
For that reason, I am afraid I cannot link to your site, as, although my site can be
mean-spirited, I don't want people associating my brand of useless bullshit with useless hatemongering. You may consider your views "right wing," but all the ultra conservative people I know would undoubtedly take exception to your placing that label on views that amount to neo-Nazism. To me, your views are abhorrent, and I do not wish to associate myself with them in any way, even peripherally.
And for the record, I don't know anyone who was molested by a priest, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Most priests are fine, admirable people, but I have no doubt that some of them are pedophile creeps, just as there are some doctors, missionaries, lawyers, judges, teachers, rabbis, politicians, etc. who are pedophile creeps. Sort of like how there are some Muslims who are terrorists, but the majority of them are fine, admirable people and not deserving of the vitriol you reserve for them as a large group. Take Timothy McVeigh, a white American who also turned out to be a terrorist that despicably killed hundreds of innocent people.
Those are my thoughts, "Doctor."
Razzy
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)Well, that does it. I can't sit idly by while this witless loser attempts to pathetically engage me in what his dumb ass probably considers an intellectual debate and what I consider an exercise in futility. This asshole will never get the point that virtually every racial, cultural, or religious demographic has its share of detestable pricks, but most human beings are decent and don't deserve to be judged by the acts of a few bad apples. I also find that arguing with monumentally stupid people is tiring, and arguing with monumentally stupid people who think they are smart (to the point of calling oneself "Doctor" to enhance his faux academic mystique) is nothing less than a waste of my valuable time.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: RE: another catholic schooler
it's not at all remarkable that you'd mention McVeigh. your type always does. You are aware that we executed McVeigh i assume and there wasn't a whole lot of FREE MCVEIGH when we, as a society, gave him the gas. Remember when we executed Tookie Williams? Every liberal in the country was whining, exactly as they're whining now about that other murderous hump Mumia Abu Jamal. I wonder why that is, eh? Do you think it's because they're Persons of Color?
Look at the illegal immigration deal. Remember in May when all the illegals marched and whined and cried and told their sad tales to Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson? Did you by chance notice there weren't a whole lot of white faces in those crowds? My wife has a whole lot of relatives in Brighton Beach. I have a lot of relatives in Winter Hill and Southie. Something tells me that not all the people in those neighborhoods have their paperwork in order either yet you didn't see them not going to work and waving Irish and Russian flags now do you?
Nope. It's always Persons of Color who make all the noise and do all the whining. You're an intelligent woman and you have to realize that i'm right and i am, after all a doctor....
Dr James E McBride
I can't believe that, to top off the meritless rant about "Persons of Color" he just treated me to, he implies that my intelligence is suspect if I don't agree with him and reiterates that he is a "Doctor." Fuck that. Not only am I intelligent enough to question how a man whose MySpace profile lists his highest educational achievement as his high school diploma obtained a doctorate (most likely he bought it online), I'm intelligent enough to realize that when he says his website was "inspired by" mine, he actually meant FLAGRANTLY PLAGIARIZED:
I can't believe this asshole actually had the audacity to beg me for a link when he practically copied what I wrote word-for-word (tweaking it only to dumb it down). Mercifully, Dr. Jaimie didn't follow my lead and put up a picture of himself and his fat wife trying to look sexy, because...yikes. Newsflash: nobody wants to hear about "hot sex" between a pair of racist terrestrial whales. I mean, I'm sure someone out there wants to hear about how Jaimie has to lift his trashy-ass wife's prodigious gunt in order to access her rank, cheesy snatch, or how sexy it is when she peels off his metallic hammer pants and deep-throats all three inches of his chapstick, but it's not me.
Not surprisingly, Jaimie's website has mysteriously vanished from the internets upon my informing him that he should brace his flabby, impotent ass for ignonimy. A word to the unwise: pester me with e-mails expecting me to see the light and agree with your fucking appalling, abysmally stupid, poorly articulated, Aryan Nation-inspired racist rants, and this is what you get. Enjoy being owned by me, douchebag.
Labels: comeuppance, correspondence, crazies, ranting, Razzy Haters, Razzyphiles, retard rage, scathing indictments, small penises, terror, you're ugly
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Reggie (Stay Out of My) Bush
NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!!!!!!!!!
This is very, very, very upsetting. As I was catching up on my gossip internets from the last couple of days, I noticed this picture of busted, scabies-infested slag Kim Kardashian shopping for vibrators--I mean neck and back massagers--at the Sharper Image with none other than Reggie (Get in My) Bush! THIS SUCKS!
I saw that they had attended some crappy event together months ago, but I figured that she was just a large-assed diversion and Reggie had moved on to some other slag-about-Hollywood. After all, I haven't seen that skank wearing a pink Saints #25 jersey contaminating the Superdome with crabs all season! Then again, while Reggie was stacking paper from his various endorsement deals, he didn't have such a great year on the football field. My buddy Js and Ps, who took Reggie (Get in My) Bush as his first round draft pick, has been bitching about his lack of productivity all season. I can't really blame him, since who would have thought he'd be splitting carries with Aaron Stecker. Then he tore his PCL and is out for the season. It's probably because Kim Kardashian was behind the scenes, cursing Reggie with her talent-sapping, hot guy-ruining, football prowess-mitigating ass dentata. From the outside, with a slutty Lycra blend skirt on it, I know it looks like this:
But turn her around, bend her over, and take a gander between those two behemoth ass implants, and I bet you see that Reggie has been sticking his dick into something more akin to this:
Seriously, I would not be surprised if that is where the inspiration for the Pit of Sarlacc came from. I don't care how rich Kim Kardashian's parents are; that bitch, like fellow celebutard and former BFF Paris Hilton, is straight-up trash. Being from the Meth Lab Capital of the U.S. of A., I know it when I see it. Hooker is such a nasty, vermin-ridden prostitute that she makes me seem classy and prudish.
Anyway, I'm pissed because I figured if Reggie had just hit that once ages ago, he'd have since washed his pubes with Rid and be safe for me to sit on by now. Unfortunately, now that I realize they've got this long-term thing happening, not only am I convinced that Reggie's penis may not ever recover from the ruination wrought by Kim Kardashian's nether regions, but that if I ever have to the chance to actually get Reggie in my Bush, I'll be experiencing burning and discharge within several hours of that occurring.
I hate Kim Kardashian. HATE!
This is very, very, very upsetting. As I was catching up on my gossip internets from the last couple of days, I noticed this picture of busted, scabies-infested slag Kim Kardashian shopping for vibrators--I mean neck and back massagers--at the Sharper Image with none other than Reggie (Get in My) Bush! THIS SUCKS!
Anyway, I'm pissed because I figured if Reggie had just hit that once ages ago, he'd have since washed his pubes with Rid and be safe for me to sit on by now. Unfortunately, now that I realize they've got this long-term thing happening, not only am I convinced that Reggie's penis may not ever recover from the ruination wrought by Kim Kardashian's nether regions, but that if I ever have to the chance to actually get Reggie in my Bush, I'll be experiencing burning and discharge within several hours of that occurring.
I hate Kim Kardashian. HATE!
Labels: assholes, gross, media whores, NFL football, oh the horror, ranting, Reggie (Get In My) Bush, sluts
Even bloggity skanks need a day or two off once in awhile
So you may have noticed that I haven't established anyone I want to hit the past couple days or douchebagged anybody, and consequently are probably wondering what the hell is going on. Well, I am obviously a model Catholic and have spent Jesus's birthday in prayer and meditation as devout, pious people like myself are wont to do. Oh, who am I kidding? I've been more cat-licker than Catholic this break, and have been busy having my quarterly threesome, getting drunk and carousing all over Tacoma, and otherwise raising hell around the P-N-Dub. It's Christmas vacation, after all!
Anyway, I love all you Razzyphiles as dearly as I love my Lord and Savior, but I need a couple more days to get back to my blogging routine. For one thing, I'm going back to New York tomorrow, so I'll be on a plane all day long and thus my computer will be useful only for watching those "Beverly Hills, 90210" season 3 DVDs that jolly St. Nick left under the tree for me. For another, once I get back to my humble roach-infested Manhattan studio on jolly St. Nick Avenue, I'll have all kinds of stuff to do: running around collecting my herd of canines from their various dogsitters, performing oral on the aforementioned dogsitters to thank them for so graciously putting up with handsome but exercise-requiring Caesar and the nefarious, stank Chingy! for ten days, and going to lab and pretending to work, thus placating my PI (boss/mentor), who was a little pissed that not only did I fail to clone rhinovirus 1A before I left due to unforeseen PCR issues (you don't want to know), I was taking ten days off right before the thesis committee meeting which will hopefully usher in my final path to graduation and acquisition of my player hater degree.
That doesn't leave a whole lot of time for useless bullshit slanging, so please be understanding of the fact that the dispatches from Razzyland which you all spend 99.999999999999% of your time eagerly anticipating might be a bit more spare and sporadic than usual. I'll be back in full motherfucking effect next week to rock your tits off (and show you mine) for sure.
Merry fucking Christmas week, y'all!
Anyway, I love all you Razzyphiles as dearly as I love my Lord and Savior, but I need a couple more days to get back to my blogging routine. For one thing, I'm going back to New York tomorrow, so I'll be on a plane all day long and thus my computer will be useful only for watching those "Beverly Hills, 90210" season 3 DVDs that jolly St. Nick left under the tree for me. For another, once I get back to my humble roach-infested Manhattan studio on jolly St. Nick Avenue, I'll have all kinds of stuff to do: running around collecting my herd of canines from their various dogsitters, performing oral on the aforementioned dogsitters to thank them for so graciously putting up with handsome but exercise-requiring Caesar and the nefarious, stank Chingy! for ten days, and going to lab and pretending to work, thus placating my PI (boss/mentor), who was a little pissed that not only did I fail to clone rhinovirus 1A before I left due to unforeseen PCR issues (you don't want to know), I was taking ten days off right before the thesis committee meeting which will hopefully usher in my final path to graduation and acquisition of my player hater degree.
That doesn't leave a whole lot of time for useless bullshit slanging, so please be understanding of the fact that the dispatches from Razzyland which you all spend 99.999999999999% of your time eagerly anticipating might be a bit more spare and sporadic than usual. I'll be back in full motherfucking effect next week to rock your tits off (and show you mine) for sure.
Merry fucking Christmas week, y'all!
Labels: overcompensation, P-N-Dub, Razzification, Razzyphiles
Meat Loaf was right...
...in his inherently wise musical proclamations (and I'm not talking about "Paradise by the Dashboard Light", although I can relate to that jam too). And God, Meat Loaf is a hot piece, for a long-haired proto-Jack Black wind machine aficionado who changed his name from Marvin Aday to Meat Loaf to enhance his a-little-bit-Dungeons-and-Dragons, a-little-bit-Hell's Angel, a little-bit-Grand-Ole-Opry mystique, anyway:
It's true that two out of three ain't bad. In spite of the sting of defeat related to my loss in the whole Dolphins-Patriots debacle, I have still been mostly winning. I was right about Jessica Simpson being the key to Tony Romo's downfall awhile back (and I know the Cowboys won this week in spite of a crowd of Panthers fans wearing the Jessica Simpson cutout masks being promoted by RuinRomo.com, but that had more to do with Marion Barber's 110 rushing yards than Tony's getting his shit together...Romo still threw an INT and I attribute that to Ms. Simpson being at the game in spite of the cameras not being able to spy her hideous and disgraceful pink jersey). I was also right about my prospects in the Columbia Ballers Fantasy League Ballers Bowl V!
Yes, bitches, I defeated the Js and the Ps (AKA the Bills of our league, as this is the third Fantasy Super Bowl he's lost) 92-80 to claim my first fantasy league championship. Now I am both league commissioner AND league champion, and I'm proud to say that I never once used my powers as commish (ability to fuck with draft orders, edit box scores, steal players from other teams, etc) to make this happen. Unlike those assholes in Shitsburgh, I don't need to cheat (or at least rely on some HIGHLY questionable officiating) to win a Super Bowl. That means I've got 250 clams coming my way, or, when converted to the currency of choice in Razzyland, 25 sixers of Heineken! I can simultaneously drown my sorrows about losing my Patriots-Dolphins bet to Benzo and celebrate the triumphs I have enjoyed. YESSSSSSS! Victory is sweet enough to make me forget about losing. Feel free to send me congratulatory sentiments and expressions of your awe and reverence at your leisure.
Yes, bitches, I defeated the Js and the Ps (AKA the Bills of our league, as this is the third Fantasy Super Bowl he's lost) 92-80 to claim my first fantasy league championship. Now I am both league commissioner AND league champion, and I'm proud to say that I never once used my powers as commish (ability to fuck with draft orders, edit box scores, steal players from other teams, etc) to make this happen. Unlike those assholes in Shitsburgh, I don't need to cheat (or at least rely on some HIGHLY questionable officiating) to win a Super Bowl. That means I've got 250 clams coming my way, or, when converted to the currency of choice in Razzyland, 25 sixers of Heineken! I can simultaneously drown my sorrows about losing my Patriots-Dolphins bet to Benzo and celebrate the triumphs I have enjoyed. YESSSSSSS! Victory is sweet enough to make me forget about losing. Feel free to send me congratulatory sentiments and expressions of your awe and reverence at your leisure.
Labels: Fantasia, I LOVE IT, NFL football, Razzification, Stealers suck
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Man is not made for defeat, but I just might be
My favorite author Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "Man can be destroyed but not defeated." Unfortunately, it seems that the opposite is true with women, because yesterday while my utter destruction did not occur, I assuredly was defeated thanks to the Miami Dolphins' failure to beat the New England Patriots as I had predicted. Thus Benzo won the bet I made with him concerning whether the Dolphins would stop the Pats from having a perfect season, and I now have to pay up.
Well, I never let my mouth write a check my ass--or in this case, my tits--can't cash and I'm about to make good on the terms of this wager. If you recall, I promised to post topless photos of myself with "Patriots Rule" written on my cans, and to write an excessive post describing the Patriots' awesomeness in graphic detail. I'll do just that, with one exception. My boobs are going to have to say "Pats Rule" instead of "Patriots Rule," as my rack just isn't big enough to spell out "Patriots" on my right breast backwards in cocksucker red lipstick. Furthermore, I am currently at my parents' house for the holidays, and I don't want to be answering any pesky questions about why I have red lipstick all over my shit later today when the family gathers together to attend Christmas mass. Bare breasts posted on the internets have to be kept on the low here at casa de Razzy. However, I'm sure this will still be satisfactory to Benzo and all the other Patriots fans who have been eagerly lining up for a glimpse of my combined hot set of jugs and my ignonimous loss of dignity. Enjoy.
The New England Patriots are the greatest football team in the AFC, and ALMOST the greatest team in the entire National Football League (the greatest team being, of course, the vaunted Seattle Seahawks, but that's for another posting). They have won three Super Bowls in the past five years, and will without a doubt win a fourth (unless, of course, they play the aforementioned Seahawks, in which case it will be a battle more epic than the Trojan War which the Pats will just BARELY lose). The Patriots will have a perfect 16-0 season this year, and will lay waste to the AFC as they march toward Super Bowl XLII with the same merciless fury as General Sherman marching to Atlanta, leaving nothing but flames and ruin in their wake.
Why are the Patriots so amazing, you ask? For starters, their personnel are a bunch of true professionals with exceptional football ability. As Bengals right tackle Willie Anderson once said of the Pats, "They're grown men who take football seriously." This is true. Even Randy Moss, who once had all sorts of behavioral problems, including but by no means limited to squirting officials he didn't agree with, claiming to play only when he wanted to, and running over a meter maid with his tricked-out Lexus, has behaved like the consummate professional now that he's in his New England uniform. Yesterday, he demonstrated once again how far he has come when he caught two touchdowns to help the Pats rout the Dolphins 28-7 (thus precipitating this article).
Which brings me to the guy throwing those touchdown passes: the rugged, chiseled granite block of macho stud known as Tom Brady. Fueled by a limitless supply of Stetson cologne, extreme self-confidence, virile face stubble, and supermodel pussy, he is an unstoppable offensive force capable of adjusting to almost any scenario he might face. He can complete a pass to Randy Moss in triple coverage as easily as he can spread the ball out to Wes Welker, or he can pitch it to Laurence Maroney. Either way, he does what he has to do, and the Patriots just roll all over everyone. Tom Brady is so good that even if Patriots forgot to send out the other ten players on their offense, he could singlehandedly destroy whatever hapless opponent unlucky enough to be facing him. Then he'd onside kick to himself, and play an all-offense game, and basically own everyone.
I should add that Tom Brady is really hot. He's so hot that he could turn the Reverend Fred Phelps gay. He's so hot that Al Gore has cited him along with petroleum and Freon coolants as a primary cause of global warming. He's so hot that even in December, Gillette Stadium feels like it is in south Florida rather than Foxborough, Assachusetts. When he played for Michigan, Tom Brady kept the sidelines warm and toasty with his smoldering caloric output. It's no wonder he's always getting top shelf ass. Probably even the hookers he cheats on Gisele with are ridiculously good-looking. In physics, magnetic intensity is expressed by the equation J=moM, and when applied to the square-jawed Mr. Brady, where M (magnetisation) corresponds to his physical attractiveness and mo (permeability) represents the extent to which women will notice him, then solving for J as a measure of his pussy magnetism results in an off-the-chart quantity of Teslas.
And speaking of pussy magnets, let me take a minute to wax poetic about Bill Belichick. Coach Belichick has mastered the art of inexplicable sexiness. He is the kind of tight-lipped guy who never reveals much of anything and makes everyone wonder what exactly is going on beneath that taciturn, curt-yet-obtuse facade. You won't be seeing any Coors Light commercials with Coach Belichick in them anytime soon since, unlike Dennis Green, Bill Parcells, or Jim Mora, Sr., the most emotion you get out of him in a press conference is "We're moving on from the Jets game. Anyone have a question about the Chargers? Let's talk about playing the Chargers." He's the strong, silent type, and I think any woman can agree with the hotness of that. Furthermore, anyone who doesn't like the Patriots (ie: yours truly) just really wants to hate fuck him hard. I'd be like, "I'll give you something illegal to videotape, baby," and then make him leave his pungent, unwashed, cutoff sweatshirt on while I ride him like a triple crown jockey. Those quiet types always end up being really hot in the sack.
Besides, I have to give Belichick and the Pats' front office credit for making some quality decisions off the field. Not only is Belichick a great coach in the sense that he keeps his team focused, on task, and doesn't distract them with a bunch of antics in the media, I continue to be astounded by the foresight of the Pats' decisions. For example, even though they lost their 2008 first-round draft pick due to the whole Spygate business, they still have San Francisco's from a deal they made in 2006. And the Pats managed to acquire a little player named Randy Moss from the Raiders for a fourth-round draft pick, they used on John Bowie. Good going, Oakland; that was a fair deal. I'm sure Bowie is really keeping receivers honest when they play the Raiders' practice squad.
Now, if I were to go off on the Pats' defense, I could be writing all day. However, since it is my Lord and Savior's birthday, I have some important Christian business to attend to (wearing my new Julian Peterson jersey and napping in front of the special edition Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix currently showing on my parents' flatscreen. Therefore, I'll just start wrapping this up now. I think I've paid my dues and hopefully all the anti-Patriots smack I've been talking has been remedied and I've been sufficiently shamed.
In conclusion, I would like to note that my ex-boyfriend Benzo is right about everything having to do with the dominance of the New England Patriots. This is what I get for making bets against the man who originally taught me about football: I was totally schooled, yet again. Thus I lose some face, and Benzo is once again vindicated concerning the inherent glorious awesomeness of the Patriots. Benzo (and every other Pats-loving New Englander I've ever boned) probably would like nothing better under their Christmas trees than my smack-talking ass topless and thoroughly humbled. Well, as Benzo is Jewish, he probably doesn't care about my unwrapped tits being under an actual Jesus-vagina-ejection-commemorating Christmas tree, but you get the point.
Well, I never let my mouth write a check my ass--or in this case, my tits--can't cash and I'm about to make good on the terms of this wager. If you recall, I promised to post topless photos of myself with "Patriots Rule" written on my cans, and to write an excessive post describing the Patriots' awesomeness in graphic detail. I'll do just that, with one exception. My boobs are going to have to say "Pats Rule" instead of "Patriots Rule," as my rack just isn't big enough to spell out "Patriots" on my right breast backwards in cocksucker red lipstick. Furthermore, I am currently at my parents' house for the holidays, and I don't want to be answering any pesky questions about why I have red lipstick all over my shit later today when the family gathers together to attend Christmas mass. Bare breasts posted on the internets have to be kept on the low here at casa de Razzy. However, I'm sure this will still be satisfactory to Benzo and all the other Patriots fans who have been eagerly lining up for a glimpse of my combined hot set of jugs and my ignonimous loss of dignity. Enjoy.
WHY THE PATRIOTS ARE AWESOME
By Razzy
The New England Patriots are the greatest football team in the AFC, and ALMOST the greatest team in the entire National Football League (the greatest team being, of course, the vaunted Seattle Seahawks, but that's for another posting). They have won three Super Bowls in the past five years, and will without a doubt win a fourth (unless, of course, they play the aforementioned Seahawks, in which case it will be a battle more epic than the Trojan War which the Pats will just BARELY lose). The Patriots will have a perfect 16-0 season this year, and will lay waste to the AFC as they march toward Super Bowl XLII with the same merciless fury as General Sherman marching to Atlanta, leaving nothing but flames and ruin in their wake.
Why are the Patriots so amazing, you ask? For starters, their personnel are a bunch of true professionals with exceptional football ability. As Bengals right tackle Willie Anderson once said of the Pats, "They're grown men who take football seriously." This is true. Even Randy Moss, who once had all sorts of behavioral problems, including but by no means limited to squirting officials he didn't agree with, claiming to play only when he wanted to, and running over a meter maid with his tricked-out Lexus, has behaved like the consummate professional now that he's in his New England uniform. Yesterday, he demonstrated once again how far he has come when he caught two touchdowns to help the Pats rout the Dolphins 28-7 (thus precipitating this article).
Which brings me to the guy throwing those touchdown passes: the rugged, chiseled granite block of macho stud known as Tom Brady. Fueled by a limitless supply of Stetson cologne, extreme self-confidence, virile face stubble, and supermodel pussy, he is an unstoppable offensive force capable of adjusting to almost any scenario he might face. He can complete a pass to Randy Moss in triple coverage as easily as he can spread the ball out to Wes Welker, or he can pitch it to Laurence Maroney. Either way, he does what he has to do, and the Patriots just roll all over everyone. Tom Brady is so good that even if Patriots forgot to send out the other ten players on their offense, he could singlehandedly destroy whatever hapless opponent unlucky enough to be facing him. Then he'd onside kick to himself, and play an all-offense game, and basically own everyone.
I should add that Tom Brady is really hot. He's so hot that he could turn the Reverend Fred Phelps gay. He's so hot that Al Gore has cited him along with petroleum and Freon coolants as a primary cause of global warming. He's so hot that even in December, Gillette Stadium feels like it is in south Florida rather than Foxborough, Assachusetts. When he played for Michigan, Tom Brady kept the sidelines warm and toasty with his smoldering caloric output. It's no wonder he's always getting top shelf ass. Probably even the hookers he cheats on Gisele with are ridiculously good-looking. In physics, magnetic intensity is expressed by the equation J=moM, and when applied to the square-jawed Mr. Brady, where M (magnetisation) corresponds to his physical attractiveness and mo (permeability) represents the extent to which women will notice him, then solving for J as a measure of his pussy magnetism results in an off-the-chart quantity of Teslas.
And speaking of pussy magnets, let me take a minute to wax poetic about Bill Belichick. Coach Belichick has mastered the art of inexplicable sexiness. He is the kind of tight-lipped guy who never reveals much of anything and makes everyone wonder what exactly is going on beneath that taciturn, curt-yet-obtuse facade. You won't be seeing any Coors Light commercials with Coach Belichick in them anytime soon since, unlike Dennis Green, Bill Parcells, or Jim Mora, Sr., the most emotion you get out of him in a press conference is "We're moving on from the Jets game. Anyone have a question about the Chargers? Let's talk about playing the Chargers." He's the strong, silent type, and I think any woman can agree with the hotness of that. Furthermore, anyone who doesn't like the Patriots (ie: yours truly) just really wants to hate fuck him hard. I'd be like, "I'll give you something illegal to videotape, baby," and then make him leave his pungent, unwashed, cutoff sweatshirt on while I ride him like a triple crown jockey. Those quiet types always end up being really hot in the sack.
Besides, I have to give Belichick and the Pats' front office credit for making some quality decisions off the field. Not only is Belichick a great coach in the sense that he keeps his team focused, on task, and doesn't distract them with a bunch of antics in the media, I continue to be astounded by the foresight of the Pats' decisions. For example, even though they lost their 2008 first-round draft pick due to the whole Spygate business, they still have San Francisco's from a deal they made in 2006. And the Pats managed to acquire a little player named Randy Moss from the Raiders for a fourth-round draft pick, they used on John Bowie. Good going, Oakland; that was a fair deal. I'm sure Bowie is really keeping receivers honest when they play the Raiders' practice squad.
Now, if I were to go off on the Pats' defense, I could be writing all day. However, since it is my Lord and Savior's birthday, I have some important Christian business to attend to (wearing my new Julian Peterson jersey and napping in front of the special edition Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix currently showing on my parents' flatscreen. Therefore, I'll just start wrapping this up now. I think I've paid my dues and hopefully all the anti-Patriots smack I've been talking has been remedied and I've been sufficiently shamed.
In conclusion, I would like to note that my ex-boyfriend Benzo is right about everything having to do with the dominance of the New England Patriots. This is what I get for making bets against the man who originally taught me about football: I was totally schooled, yet again. Thus I lose some face, and Benzo is once again vindicated concerning the inherent glorious awesomeness of the Patriots. Benzo (and every other Pats-loving New Englander I've ever boned) probably would like nothing better under their Christmas trees than my smack-talking ass topless and thoroughly humbled. Well, as Benzo is Jewish, he probably doesn't care about my unwrapped tits being under an actual Jesus-vagina-ejection-commemorating Christmas tree, but you get the point.
Merry Christmas, Patriots fans. We 12th Men will see you in the Super Bowl.
Labels: Assachusetts, Benzo, comeuppance, fuck the Pats, hot dudes, NFL football, nudity, sportsmen
Friday, December 21, 2007
Best. Office Holiday Party. Ever.
My friend JerseyGirl works for the bronze medalist of cable news networks, and last night was their parent corporation's holiday party. JerseyGirl promptly got on Gchat to advise me that she planned to take the opportunity to get to work on arranging a date for me with one of my ultimate dream guys: Chris Hansen, the hotness who holds internet pederasts accountable in the most riveting "Dateline NBC" joint EVER..."To Catch a Predator."
Lucky bitch. I'm so jealous. Why can't I work for NBC Universal? Life isn't fair. However, I can't really hate too much, because thanks to JerseyGirl's intrepid work at establishing first contact, I expect to bag Chris Hansen sometime in Q1 2008. Trust.
JerseyGirl: hey- i'm going to the nbc holiday party in a few minutes -and I REALLY hope chris hansen is thereWell, apparently when she got there, Chris Hansen was busy LOLZ-ing about stupid pedophiles with Brian Williams, and thus JerseyGirl was unable to interject herself to play matchmaker, or at least slip Chris Hansen my instant messaging handle. However, she was able to create a rapport, initiate a dialogue, and send me proof that Operation To Catch a Hot Predator Catcher is in full motherfucking effect:
Razzy: YES
Razzy: find out if he is single
Razzy: and if he wants to meet a cute blonde
JerseyGirl: oh i will
JerseyGirl: how can i do it subtly
Razzy: i don't know, is he chatty?
Razzy: do you know anyone who works with him?
JerseyGirl: i really don't know...
JerseyGirl: no unfortunately
Razzy: well, if he's there
Razzy: see if he has a date
Razzy: 1st and foremost
JerseyGirl: maybe i can say something like "oh you work so many hours, your wife must hate that you're away from home so much"
Razzy: YES
Razzy: and then when he's like, i'm divorced
Razzy: be like, oh i'm sorry to hear that
Razzy: do you like 29-y-o sluts?
Razzy: just kidding
JerseyGirl: lol
JerseyGirl: that is so funny
JerseyGirl: i will find out the deets
Razzy: tell him i do anal
JerseyGirl: okay!
Labels: celebrities, hot dudes, JerseyGirl, sex, TV
GO DOLPHINS!
This Sunday, several epic battles will be decided via the greatest sport ever: football, and no, I don't mean bitch-ass soccer. First, I am going to get the $300 I justly deserve for laying waste to the other fools in the Columbia Ballers Fantasy League when I destroy the Js and the Ps in C-Ballers Bowl V. While that will be satisfying and while the cash will buy this alcoholic bitch a lot of Heineken, even more awesome will be when I win a little gentlemen's wager I made with my ex-boyfriend Benzo who is both a native of Assachusetts and a die-hard New England Patriots fan (like every other Pats supporter, he's been a hardcore fan since 2001). This wager concerns the impending epic week 16 battle between the 1-13 Miami Dolphins and the 14-0 Patriots:
I predicted that the Dolphins will beat the Patriots this Sunday, thus ensuring that they remain the only team in the Super Bowl era with a perfect record. I think this is even more likely now that Miami is coming off their first triumphant win of the season last week. They are primed and ready to keep the winning streak alive! Look at how fired up Joey Porter is in spite of his absolutely hideous countenance! He's ready to lay some bitches out in Foxborough. Benzo scoffed at me, as did every other New England-loving Masshole who heard of this. "Miami doesn't play well late in the season on the road," they say. "Ricky Williams is out," they say (because Ricky Williams has done SO much besides smoke pot, do yoga, and sit on his hippie ass the last few years...who cares?). "Cleo Lemon is starting," they say. I say "SO FUCKING WHAT?" back. Stranger things have happened in the NFL. My prediction about Jessica Simpson ruining Tony Romo was correct, and like the Dolphins, I'm gearing up for a big old winning streak!
Anyway, since the terms of this wager will be borne out on the blogosphere, here's what you all have to look forward to.
GO RAZZY!
If I win this bet, Benzo has to not only buy me large volumes of scotch, he will have to take a picture of himself holding one sign that says "PATRIOTS SUCK" and another that says one of the following (totally true) statements:
1. BELICHICK SUCKS DICK
2. BRADY SUCKS DICK
3. BOB KRAFT SUCKS DICK
4. PATRIOTS CHEAT
This picture will then be posted on this very blog, along with a lot of gloating sentiments from me. I tried to also make him wear a Yankees cap and stuff his junk between his legs Buffalo Bill-style as a revolting shot at the tuck rule, but he drew the line at doing those things. Oh well. I guess I'll take free scotch and the satisfaction of seeing Benzo implying that one of his Hatriot idols is exceptionally competent at fellatio.
GO BENZO!
If the Patriots win for Benzo, then I will take a picture of myself topless with "PATRIOTS RULE" written on my tits. I will also write a lengthy blog posting to accompany said photo extolling the Patriots' many virtues and discussing their excellent prospects for continued domination without any sarcasm. I will subsequently tolerate any comments from pro-Assachusetts bastards rubbing in how great the Patriots are. On that post, anyway.
But like that's going to happen. I'm already looking forward to the drinks Benzo will be buying me, as well as seeing his handsome rosy-cheeked visage holding a sign that says, "BELICHICK SUCKS DICK." Prepare to be owned, Benzo.
Anyway, since the terms of this wager will be borne out on the blogosphere, here's what you all have to look forward to.
GO RAZZY!
If I win this bet, Benzo has to not only buy me large volumes of scotch, he will have to take a picture of himself holding one sign that says "PATRIOTS SUCK" and another that says one of the following (totally true) statements:
1. BELICHICK SUCKS DICK
2. BRADY SUCKS DICK
3. BOB KRAFT SUCKS DICK
4. PATRIOTS CHEAT
This picture will then be posted on this very blog, along with a lot of gloating sentiments from me. I tried to also make him wear a Yankees cap and stuff his junk between his legs Buffalo Bill-style as a revolting shot at the tuck rule, but he drew the line at doing those things. Oh well. I guess I'll take free scotch and the satisfaction of seeing Benzo implying that one of his Hatriot idols is exceptionally competent at fellatio.
GO BENZO!
If the Patriots win for Benzo, then I will take a picture of myself topless with "PATRIOTS RULE" written on my tits. I will also write a lengthy blog posting to accompany said photo extolling the Patriots' many virtues and discussing their excellent prospects for continued domination without any sarcasm. I will subsequently tolerate any comments from pro-Assachusetts bastards rubbing in how great the Patriots are. On that post, anyway.
But like that's going to happen. I'm already looking forward to the drinks Benzo will be buying me, as well as seeing his handsome rosy-cheeked visage holding a sign that says, "BELICHICK SUCKS DICK." Prepare to be owned, Benzo.
Labels: Assachusetts, Benzo, comeuppance, Fantasia, fuck the Pats, intentional buffoonery, NFL football, Razzification
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Pitbull
Alias: Lil' Chico, Mr. 305
DOB: January 14, 1981
Occupation: rapper, hottest drunk driver of all time
Hometown: Miami, Florida
Current residence: Miami, Florida
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I've thought Pitbull was a pretty hot piece ever since he did that song with the Ying Yang Twins and exhorted everyone to "get crunk, get drunk, get loose, get blown", extolled his fondness for "swollen" breast, and repeatedly shouted "dale huevo" (nasty dude). As Michael K. of Dlisted notes, he's "hot in a douche sort of way. He would be the type of dude that keeps his boots on during sex because he thinks it's 'ghetto' or 'hardcore.'" So true.
Further validating Pitbull's hotness is the fact that he got pulled over going 93 mph in a 55 mph zone, and the cop suspected he was fucked up. He asked him to blow a breathalyzer, which he subsequently failed. When the cop went to arrest him, Pitbull waived his right to remain silent and advised the officer of his feelings on the matter: "This is a big waste of your time, papo."
SO AWESOME. If I ever get popped for DUI, right before I say, "I want my lawyer" I am going to say exactly that just to registed my opinion in the hottest manner possible. Unless I get pulled over by King County Sheriff's Deputy David Roscoe Hutchinson IV, in which case I'm going to be like, "Well, you busting me for DUI is certainly ironic given the number of times you've been swerving your fucking Jeep all over highway 18 coming home from the Muckleshoot Casino after losing your girlfriends' money during an epic booze and Texas Hold 'Em binge. You deserve to be the biggest cuckold in all of Puyallup, you fucking dickless tool. Now call HotLawyer."
Labels: alcoholism, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, driving, hot dudes, rap
Daily Douchebag: whoever greenlighted THIS
DOB: yesterday, apparently
Occupation: making piss-poor, straight-to-video movies
Douchebaggery: I absolutely DO NOT understand who has decided that Paris Hilton is a marketable commodity, or that people want to go see a movie in which her "acting" skills are expected to carry the film. Furthermore, they better expect a fucking Sophie's Choice caliber performance out of her if the premise of this movie is that Paris is a "hottie." Paris Hilton reminds me of the Barbie dolls my aunts would give me to discourage what they felt were unladylike pursuits (reading, science, career ambitions, lack of interest in husband-attracting or child-rearing). The Barbies didn't really do the job, because after I'd use them to wage war against and defeat my brother's army of GI Joes and Masters of the Universe figures on account of their comparative Brobdingnagian stature and failed to notice my dog dragging them out into the yard, they would be considerably worse for the wear and decidedly opposed to an image of idealized female beauty. Their hair would turn into a dreadlocked plastic mess, they would have teeth marks in their perma-tiptoed feet, and they would look like they just drank a quart of Ripple spiked with GHB and got gangbanged by a community college basketball team. Despite all her expensive clothes and extensions and Z-list model boyfriends, that's the image Paris invokes for me.
Speaking of revolting images, I would like to remind everyone that while Paris does look better than her co-star the "nottie," the last time I checked, THIS was not hot:
So note to whoever decided to give the go-ahead to The Hottie and The Nottie: way to cost your production company a lot of money they're not going to recoup. And thanks for cursing modern culture with this monstrosity. Even seeing it on the shelf at Blockbuster is an affront to standards of decency.
Labels: Daily Douchebag, gross, media whores, movies, oh the horror, sluts, viruses rule
Thursday, December 20, 2007
T.O. also hates pink jerseys
Yesterday, I had the following Gchat with HotLawyer:
At least one dude agrees with me on the pink jersey and the Jessica Simpson issue. At least one man, a bold soul named Terrell Owens, is brave enough to stand up and say that he doesn't appreciate pink Romo jerseys one bit, at the very least because there is only room for one ridiculously dressed fag hag in Texas Stadium, and that ain't Jessica Simpson. She's pouty because not only did her dumbass, overrated boyfriend deliver the worst performance of his career thanks to her game-killing presence, but because T.O. looks waaaaaaay cuter than her in his sexy women's wear from NFLshop.com:
T.O. had some choice words for Jessica:
Keep in mind this is coming from a guy whose love for drag queenish blondes is so legendary that it became the most controversial opening for a Monday Night Football game ever. Remember that shit where T.O. ditches the game to go bang Nicolette Sheridan in the Eagles' locker room from two years ago? Here's the YouTube to refresh your memory (and I dare you not to snicker when T.O. says, "Donovan needs me." Hilarious.)
Given Terrell's susceptibility to seduction by such bitches who look like they have to pull a Buffalo Bill-style weiner tuck before getting some pregame ass in the locker room, I'm surprised he's not competing with Tony Romo for Jessica's attention. I would say that it's both because her ass was preventing Romo from completing passes to T.O. in triple coverage, and because he can't get past that fugly, embarrassing, despicable pink Romo jersey! If she'd worn nothing but a towel to ruin the Cowboys' offense in, maybe he'd be more sympathetic.
In any event, T.O. promises more good times in the coming weeks:
Oh, and I have a message too: GO SEAHAWKS!
HotLawyer: RazzyI consulted also with my ex-boyfriend Benzo, and he was of the opinion that pink jerseys aren't awesome, but he doesn't care one way or the other. "If I see a hot chick wearing a pink jersey, I'm not going to ignore her just because she's got a pink jersey on." I was totally annoyed that my boys didn't share my staunch anti-pink jersey sentiments. Then again, I can't be too annoyed at a man who squires his lady around Tacoma wearing his-and-hers Tatupu jerseys. I should actually be thankful we don't share the same opinion on this one, as his taste is clearly questionable.
HotLawyer: Princess HotLawyer owns and wears a PINK Tatupu jersey
Razzy: hey dude
Razzy: tell Princess HotLawyer to chuck that
Razzy: those pink jerseys are shameful!
HotLawyer: they're hot
Razzy: you really think those pink jerseys are hot?
HotLawyer: yes
Razzy: NO!
Razzy: they are the scourge of nfl pro gear
HotLawyer: They rule your ass
Razzy: never
HotLawyer: Plus, we don't look like douchebags when we sport our matching Lofa jerseys
HotLawyer: Lofa! Lofa!
Razzy: you already look like a douchebag wearing the same jersey as your GF!
HotLawyer: trick, please!
At least one dude agrees with me on the pink jersey and the Jessica Simpson issue. At least one man, a bold soul named Terrell Owens, is brave enough to stand up and say that he doesn't appreciate pink Romo jerseys one bit, at the very least because there is only room for one ridiculously dressed fag hag in Texas Stadium, and that ain't Jessica Simpson. She's pouty because not only did her dumbass, overrated boyfriend deliver the worst performance of his career thanks to her game-killing presence, but because T.O. looks waaaaaaay cuter than her in his sexy women's wear from NFLshop.com:
T.O. had some choice words for Jessica:
"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite -- in this locker room or in Texas Stadium. With everything that has happened, obviously with the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel she has taken his focus away. Other than that, she was high on my list until last week."Translation: Bitch, take your stank, talentless, pink jersey-wearing ass back to wherever Tony Romo's last dumb blonde country-fried bimbo girlfriend went and let him get his mind off your herpetic punani and back on completing passes to me. Up until last week, I would have been willing to tap that ass, but now she's dead to me.
Keep in mind this is coming from a guy whose love for drag queenish blondes is so legendary that it became the most controversial opening for a Monday Night Football game ever. Remember that shit where T.O. ditches the game to go bang Nicolette Sheridan in the Eagles' locker room from two years ago? Here's the YouTube to refresh your memory (and I dare you not to snicker when T.O. says, "Donovan needs me." Hilarious.)
Given Terrell's susceptibility to seduction by such bitches who look like they have to pull a Buffalo Bill-style weiner tuck before getting some pregame ass in the locker room, I'm surprised he's not competing with Tony Romo for Jessica's attention. I would say that it's both because her ass was preventing Romo from completing passes to T.O. in triple coverage, and because he can't get past that fugly, embarrassing, despicable pink Romo jersey! If she'd worn nothing but a towel to ruin the Cowboys' offense in, maybe he'd be more sympathetic.
In any event, T.O. promises more good times in the coming weeks:
"Oh, I got a message for her when we make the playoffs. Just stay tuned."The message will be something along the lines of, "Keep your pink jersey-rocking ho ass the fuck out of Texas Stadium, bitch," except delivered with Terrell's signature panache. Truly, the playoffs cannot come fast enough.
Oh, and I have a message too: GO SEAHAWKS!
Labels: assholes, Benzo, hot dudes, HotLawyer, media whores, NFL football, oh the horror, Seahawks, sluts
Daily Douchebag: Casey Aldridge
DOB: sometime in 1988
Occupation: soon-to-be deadbeat teenage dad, huge fan of "Two-a-Days"
Hometown: CLEARLY somewhere in rural-ass Louisiana
Current residence: Kentwood, Louisiana
Douchebaggery: As usual, I've managed to become rapidly completely engrossed by the distinguished upper-crust family of aristocrats known as the Spears family. The latest news concerning those classy Spears ladies is that Casey Aldridge, Jamie-Lynn's sperminator, is out as quickly as he was in!
Apparently Jamie-Lynn dumped his ass and is excited to be a single working mom just like her big sis. Well, maybe not "working" since chances are "Zoey 101" isn't planning on having its eponymous character get knocked up in between bouts of giggling with her friends and liking cute boys (or whatever happens on that show...I don't watch that tween trash), but a single mom anyway. I have to say this was a good move on Jamie-Lynn's part for a few reasons.
For one thing, Casey started banging Jamie-Lynn when he was 16 and she was 13 when they met at church and he charmed her with his "Two-a-Days" hair (he wants to be Ross, Hoover Buccaneers quarterback, BAD). Gross! Apparently, he may now face statutory rape charges, although it better not be Team Spears filing them. I don't see how you can charge him when Jamie-Lynn's expert Christian mother signed off on them shacking up together when Jamie-Lynn was 14 or 15! Then again, didn't Casey have anything better to do than just impregnating his underaged common law wife? Like GO TO HIGH SCHOOL, for example? Shouldn't he have been taking his SATs or writing an essay on A Separate Peace or going to a Hoover Buccaneers pep rally or some normal 17-year-old activity rather than putting the final touches on his impeccably mussed hick bangs? Don't get me wrong, because I practice-fucked my lame boyfriend plenty of times in cars, parks, beaches, and friends' houses when I was that age, but I was too busy with other stuff (ie: AP tests, obsessing over my ability to play Chopin's repertoire of nocturnes as well as Artur Rubinstein, writing shiteous Sylvia Plath-influenced poetry, other egregious geekery) to think about cohabitating with his broke ass. Casey apparently doesn't have anything going on besides that, because Jamie-Lynn sent his ass packing on account of having no prospects and no maturity.
There is really nothing more humiliating than being dumped by your soon-to-be unemployed teenage baby mama for having no prospects. When you're too much of a useless loser for inbred PWT that emerged from the stagnant sewage puddle that is the Spears gene pool, you've got serious problems. Good luck with life, asshole.
Labels: Britney Spears, celebrities, Daily Douchebag, media whores, PWT