Thursday, January 31, 2008
For anyone who ever wondered what a pencil dick looks like
Anyway, I don't want James getting traffic, and frankly, I'll sacrifice myself so you don't have to endure the horror of his site, where you can witness nasty shit like low-quality webcam shorts of his fug wife fucking him with a dildo or licking his hammer toes. GROSS! So I went ahead and posted pictures of his much-touted wang. Then I took a long shower. Not just a quick spin under the showerhead to freshen up, but the kind of frantically scrubbing shower that rape victims in Lifetime movies take post-attack. And even after scrubbing myself raw, I still can't entirely stop myself from involuntary repulsed shuddering.
Take a good look at Jaimie's dick. While it is longer than I thought it would be (I had him pegged--pun intended--as a four-incher, but I'll give it to him that he's got at least five and a half), this is a textbook case of what I call PENCIL DICK. That shit is skinny! And unsatisfying, and I know every lady who has suffered the misfortune of fucking one feels me. A long pencil dick is the worst. It takes sex--which is normally fun and enjoyable--into somthing akin to making a cervix kabob. Nast. In addition to its distressingly small diameter, James McBride's phallus has not one but two undesirable qualities: it also has a burl! So not only is his dick too skinny, it's malformed! No wonder his wife is so partial to her dildo collection. As if this wasn't unappealing enough, let me just point out strike three. Before frightening everyone who made the mistake of going to his site, this penis was buried firmly in the ass of every HIV-infected skinhead at Elmira. The only thing that turns me on about this cock is that I could probably get a first-author paper culturing previously unknown strains of herpes simplex out of it. I'm sure I could at least publish it in some shitshow like the Journal of General Virology. James's weiner is gorgeous from the perspective of someone looking to study novel clinical isolates of pathogens sexually transmitted from one incarcerated felon to another. And on that note, I think I'm going to skip lunch. I've lost my appetite anyway.
***SHUDDER***
Labels: assholes, gross, Razzy Haters, small penises, weiners
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: my head against the wall because I got nothin'
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Razzification
Daily Douchebag: Justin Long

DOB: June 2, 1978
Occupation: hawking Macs, trashing PCs, starring in shiteous movies, and sticking his dick into Drew Barrymore's fug ass
Hometown: Fairfield, Connecticut
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: I LOATHE those "I'm a Mac, I'm a snotty, pretentious asshole" commercials promoting computers such as the one on which I am typing right now. Most of the time, I am very pleased with my MacBook. However, sometimes it's just as much of a pain in the ass as any other kind of computer. Yesterday, for example, I had to wait five hours while it failed to successfully migrate all my files from my work computer for a second time. After those five hours I had to move the files manually anyway because for whatever reason, the "Migration Manager" didn't like moving the mp3 file for "Yeah" by Big Kuntry King and cancelled out the entire process. If Justin Long had showed up and been all, "I'm a Mac, firewires are awesome," I would have punched him in his smug, smirking face.
Supposedly, Justin's condescending personification of a Mac computer is supposed to make me want to be Mac-snobby, as well. I will NEVER be one of those tools who runs around saying shit like "I have two gigs of RAM and I'm running Leopard" or the typical nobody-cares crap that Mac snobs generally spout off with little or no provocation. While Justin's performances on the silver screen are forgettable at best, his work in the Mac ads is inescapable for me, as I'm both a TV junkie and a Mac owner. I could ignore Herbie: Fully Loaded, but sadly, as I love my computer almost as much as my dogs, I'm not only confronted by Justin, but thanks to Apple's marketing department, I'm fucking REPRESENTED by him. Fuck!
Justin sucks and I hope his career tanks and Apple goes in a different direction with their advertising strategies. Now that he's mildly famous for his Mac commercials, he keeps showing up on my celebrity gossip webpages sucking face with none other than Drew Barrymore. I hate Drew Barrymore. Between her tormenting the world with filling its theater screens with shiteous romantic comedies and perfecting the Bassett Houndish expression that people seem to think is cute, Drew Barrymore is a permanent bane to our culture. I don't need more paparazzi footage and boring gossip about Drew Barrymore, and I sure as shit don't need said internet gossip to feature her sucking face with this Justin Long dipshit.
Besides, Justin Long went to Vassar. Actually, he dropped out of Vassar to play the love interest of the legendary Ms. Britney Spears in her cinematic classic Crossroads. Vassar breeds douchebags. Okay, so I know a few smart, cool people who went to Vassar, but they've got to be exceptions. Vassar is a veritable cavalcade of losers compared to the factory of awesomeness that is Smith Col--wait, what am I saying? Everyone knows that Smith College is not a "factory of awesomeness." More like "factory of ugly boobmashers listening to Melissa Ferrick and looking for stuff to complain self-righteously about." I shouldn't throw stones about him going to a college full of fugly bitches. So I can't hate on our co-ed Seven Sister Vassar too much, except to say that if Vassar's student body has as many losers as Smith's, then those are who Justin Long was probably hanging out with when he went there. He was probably involved with the Vassar equivalent of the Smith acapella group scene. What an asshole.
Labels: celebrities, computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, Dumb Smith bitches, movies, you're ugly
A hero's welcome
I'd encourage you all to leave her some comments to welcome her to the site, but that's already been taken care of by Doctor James McBride (and in his case "Doctor" actually means "NYSDOC Inmate #88A9510"). Regular Razzyphiles may remember James McBride from my douchebagging of him a couple weeks back. Unfortunately, the bad press hasn't stopped James from filling my inbox with idiotic racist-flavored e-mails at least three times a week, and doing a lot of detective work on his site logs. Last week he suggested that based on some IP address from New York that visited his site, I was "trolling" his content (I was not--I have a low tolerance for both racist bloviating and piss-poor grammar and spelling) and then sent me a picture of the building where that address originated. I was like, "That's not my building, dumbass, and quit trying to scare me via demonstrations of your ability to read your site logs and convert that information into stalker-esque intimidation tactics." I'm pretty sure that he's trying to antagonize me in the hope that I'll link to him and boost traffic to his pathetic site. Sha right, loser.
Anyway, ILoveWhiteTrash's combined love for Keith Olbermann and disdain for Ann Coulter apparently has inspired this fucktard to get busy on the comment page calling her "another uneducated liberal skank" (and I should add that ILoveWhiteTrash is about to defend her doctoral thesis in hardcore, I-solve-crystal-structures biochemistry, so she's definitely less educated than James), and offering to send pictures of his dick. I have no doubt that James, an unemployed ex-con who spends 90% of his time lifting weights and the other 10% of his time working on his Vicodin addiction, has such an impressive schlong that ILoveWhiteTrash and I will both be awestruck by its breathtaking grandeur and scope. Webcam photos of overcompensating prison dick are like our kryptonite.
I really can't welcome ILoveWhiteTrash to the site any better way than by congratulating her on stirring up comment drama and acquiring haters in her very first post. She's a natural.
Labels: ILoveWhiteTrash, Razzy Haters
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
How do you tell your future mother-in-law to go suck a dick?
I don’t give a rat’s ass what my f.m.i.l.’s political leanings are because I am not fucking her nor marrying her. But all she ever does is talk about politics (and by talk I mean repeat whatever bullshit she heard on Fox News that day) and she expects everyone else to agree with her (and gets irate when they don’t). I bit my tongue for a long fucking time because I happen to love her son, Mr. T.
Having grown up with one of those Keith Olbermann loving liberal moms, I am accustomed to political discussions around the dinner table. But I am also accustomed to them remaining civil (mostly) and the opinions of others’ are typically respected or at least tolerated. At a recent dinner with Mr. T’s parents, f.m.i.l. pulls out some book by Ann Coulter and starts raving about it. I can’t fucking stomach Ann Coulter. I think she is a fucktard. She is incapable of defending her views and debating a point like an adult, so she resorts to name calling and ends up looking like a fucking idiot to me. And while I do have an eye for the ladies, looking at Skeletor/Marc Anthony in a blond wig doesn’t get me all hot and bothered. I couldn’t endure the idol worship any longer, so I said, “I can’t stand Ann Coulter”. I didn’t get an opportunity to explain why because f.m.i.l. quickly snapped, “Well I love her because she tells all the assholes where to go with themselves.”
All I kept thinking was, “did this bitch just call me an asshole?” I don’t agree with anything Ann Coulter says, so wouldn’t I be one of those aforementioned assholes she tells where to go? I mean f.m.i.l., who I’ve heard say some really dumb shit, is trying to call ME an asshole?! WTF? The good thing is, I didn’t slap that ho, so I didn’t go to jail. But I wanted to; in fact I still do. After we left, Mr. T was telling me to be cool and consider the source bla bla bla. But I don’t know if I can be gracious for much longer. So my only hope is to keep her quiet somehow. This is where the dick in her mouth comes in! I just need to figure out how to make this happen…
Note: Unlike Razzy, I suck at spelling and punctuation. Too bad. Like Razzy, I have big tits.
Labels: family matters, ILoveWhiteTrash, PWT, retard rage
Shameless pitch
I checked out his site and told him that he needs to put up some pictures because it's awfully texty, but otherwise commended him on a job well done. His whole thing is taking news stories and retooling them ever-so-slightly to be funny. His humor is very subtle, but I have to say that I would read a lot more news if it included shameless addendums to Dana Perino press conference sound bites and snide comments about Bush's State of the Union address. So go check him out:
http://teurders.blogspot.com/
Labels: down with OPB (other people's blogs), grad school bullshit
Licking snatch for dummies
Anyway, this friend--who has another name on this site but who for this post I will call Twathopper (as in "you are learning, grasshopper," except about vaginas instead of kung-fu)--is doing the online dating thing and thanks to some of my tips about how to keep the bitches clamoring for her by being selective about returning game-spitting text messages, has some solid prospects for finally becoming "legit." A while ago, she told me she had finally made out with some straight girl at a bar and was thus "legit." I argued that her legitimacy as a lesbian was established a year before when she voluntarily had an article for Runner's World written by some dumb Brooklyn hipster she was jocking matted and framed as a just-because-you're-my-friend (sha) gift. That's about as lesbish as it gets short of showing up in a U-Haul with all your shit in it after two dates. Anyway, she was insisting that sucking straight girl face was a more tangible milestone to full-fledged dykehood than infatuated gift-giving, and I said that if she was going to dictate her lezzie status based on physical consummation, then it was high time she started kissing a different set of lips.
Now that she has some prospects thanks to my outstanding methods of reeling in chicks from the online WSW community, we discussed her next steps in a recent Gchat.
Razzy: dudeI figured there had to be something on the internets to provide simple, coherent instructions to convince Twathopper that cunnilingus is easy and fun. Sure enough, a quick Google search of "lesbian sex how-to" turned up some helpful sites.
Razzy: how is the solstice dating circuit treating you???
Twathopper: dude
Razzy: have you l'd any p yet???
Twathopper: i haven't l'd any p yet no not yet
Twathopper: but i did make out again
Razzy: well that's a start
Razzy: with the social worker? [RAZZY Note: We call this bitch either "social worker"--as that is her job--or "Sarah Babysits," because until Twathopper pimped up her texting game that was what she was always doing instead of getting busy with Twathopper.]
Twathopper: so i've got the making out down i think now
Twathopper: we'll see on friday i guess
Razzy: OOOOOOO, date?!?!
Twathopper: yes date on fri- she's staying over i think
Razzy: you better go dildo shopping thursday then!
Razzy: and trim those nails!
Twathopper: hahaha
Razzy: and shave your snatch--i totz hate getting a huge faceful of bush
Twathopper: i really have to trim my nails?
Razzy: YES
Razzy: YES
Razzy: YES
Twathopper: my snatch is always shaved
Razzy: i cannot emphasize that enough
Razzy: there is nothing
Razzy: NOTHING
Razzy: worse than getting FB'd by a chick with long nails
Razzy: ouch
Razzy: every time i see that in porn i just CRINGE
Razzy: i mean, you do know that you don't just like stick your finger straight in there, right?
Razzy: you want to do more of a beckoning motion
Twathopper: yes that i know
Razzy: that is ouchy with long nails
Razzy: i have had lots of stern conversations with my special GF about that
Twathopper: and i guess it would hurt the little guy too
Razzy: thank god she got the message
Razzy: i mean you can get away with it if you stick to external action only
Razzy: but who wants to limit herself in the sack?
Twathopper: i love my nails!
Razzy: well, learn to love celibacy then, because you ain't scoring repeat pussy with long nails
Twathopper: i'm also kinda hoping that maybe i can just follow her lead
Twathopper: or maybe just let her do all the stuff the first time- ha!
Razzy: NO!
Razzy: come on dude
Razzy: just because you are an amateur lez doesn't mean you have to act like it
Twathopper: ohh good point
Razzy: just get on in there and start working on your technique
Twathopper: yeah
Twathopper: but it's gonna be hard to l some p the very first time
Twathopper: maybe i'll just stick with hands
Twathopper: that i can handle
Twathopper: i mean i know i can handle that, the L'n P might be too much off the bat
Razzy: L'n p is easy
Razzy: http://people.ucsc.edu/~aaarons/lesbiansex101.htmlIt seems this fabled Friday sleepover date with Sarah Babysits last Friday was rescheduled for tonight, so to save Twathopper the trouble of digging through her Gchats archives for instructions on how to properly perform oral on a woman, she can just make her usual morning pitstop at RAZZY.org for the links. I'm just getting misty-eyed with pride about the prospect of Twathopper taking the final step to being "legit" and scoring some actual vagina. I can just picture the scene now. After huffing and puffing up the six flights of stairs one has to ascend to reach Twathopper's apartment, they'll pop in one of her old "Buffy" DVDs and put it on mute, crank the Tori Amos, light a few scented candles, and start the foreplay with a couple steaming mugs of chamomile and some intimate conversation about each other's emotions. Then a little light hand-holding will turn into awkward kissing which will turn into boobmashing which will turn into my little Twathopper flowering into the mature lesbian that she is like a lily in a Georgia O'Keefe painting. Blessed be. Go with Goddess, Twathopper! L that P!
Razzy: see? just go for the clit
Razzy: not too challenging
Razzy: ignore that last tip about not forgetting to cuddle
Twathopper: omg- i'm reading this and dying
Razzy: well, i guess you shouldn't ignore the cuddling part since sarah babysits seems mad solstice
Razzy: unlike me, she probably would have issues if she likened her partner to a hetero dude who just wants to roll over and go to sleep
Razzy: i have zero problem with that, or with being compared to a hetero dude myself
Twathopper: she is mad solstice
Razzy: here's another how-to site
Razzy: (and check the crusty-ass dyke who authored this...Kathy BELGE...REALLY?):
Razzy: http://lesbianlife.about.com/b/2005/08/16/lesbian-sex-tip-cunnilingus.htm
Twathopper: omg- w hat a huge lez!
Razzy: seriously
Razzy: she's totz captain of her softball team
Twathopper: for reals
Twathopper: and it seems she knows what she's talking about
Razzy: yes i get the feeling she does
Razzy: she's probably one of those anti-penetration lezzies
Razzy: who doesn't dig the strap-on
Razzy: obviously i have no problem involving dude-type stuff in my hot girl-on-girl
Razzy: including an actual dude
Twathopper: well i'm gonna need something b/c i know oral and fingers ain't gonna cut it
Razzy: but there's a lot of dykes who don't want anything slightly penis-y with their sex
Twathopper: lame
Razzy: need something? like a strap-on?
Razzy: go to fantasy world and pick one up
Razzy: or go to adamandeve.com
Razzy: they send you a free porn with sex toy orders
Razzy: that's where I bought my strap-on
Twathopper: wow i MUST save this chat b/c it will certainly come in handy in the future
Razzy: and 2-sided dildo
Razzy: i'll publish it on my blog
Twathopper: i'm gonna go have to read those things again on friday
Twathopper: but you smith chicks have made it much easier
Razzy: before you know it you'll be taking pictures of yourself running around in nothing but your harness like me
Twathopper: particularly you and jerseygirl
Twathopper: soooo thanks dude.
Razzy: no prob dude
Razzy: i didn't have a lesbian mentor when i was 15
Razzy: i had to learn the hard way
Razzy: so i'm happy to save you the trouble
Labels: correspondence, lezbollah, sex, Twathopper
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Tom Brady's leg

DOB: August 3, 1977
Occupation: slightly limping
Hometown: San Mateo, California
Current residence: gently practicing in Phoenix, Arizona
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Tom Brady's leg over the past week has demonstrated the most attractive feature it ever could possibly have: a slight limp. Tom was spotted strolling around with some ugly flowers for Gisele last week here in the colony of Nieuw Amsterdam with a walking boot on his ouchie ankle (while rocking his designer metrosexual casual wear to the effect of looking like a grade A tool, I might add). Since then, speculation has been rampant about the severity of the high minor ankle sprain he sustained during the AFC Championship game.
Unfortunately, the grand dreams I initially had of Brady being felled prior to the Super Bowl and the Patriots losing thanks to their offense being put into the clumsy hands of Matt Cassel (who thus far has attempted a meager seven passes in six games this season) were shattered when he showed up to a press conference and vowed to return the Lombardi trophy to Foxborough. However, there is still a glimmer of hope that Brady will fuck up bad, thus causing the Patriots to get totally spanked by the Giants defense this Sunday. Apparently, his ankle is still tender and he's only barely been practicing. I am thus cautiously optimistic that Mr. Perfect will hobble out onto the field Sunday and get promptly owned. If all goes well, the last thing he'll see before his ankle totally gives up and the Patriots see their perfect season go to shit is Michael Strahan's diastema bearing down on his bitch ass.
So keep up the good work, Tom Brady's ankle! All of us who hate the Patriots are counting on you.
Labels: Assachusetts, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, I LOVE IT, NFL football
Daily Douchebag: Hayden Panettiere AGAIN

DOB: August 21, 1989
Occupation: actress, skank, obnoxious pro-whale zealot
Hometown: Palisades, New York
Current residence: getting her activist media ho on--anywhere there's an interview or someone with a camera and a YouTube account
Douchebaggery: A few months back, LL Cool Jew suggested that Hayden Panettiere get out of the whale-saving business and "get your ass to the Les Deux bathroom with your girlfriends, cell-phone-video yourselves shoving mounds of coke up your noses, flash your nana to the paparazzi, get arrested and entertain us like you’re supposed to" and/or "admit you’re a lesbian, because I know from experience that only honey-lovers dig on whales as much as you clearly do." Instead of heeding LL Cool Jew's wise words, Hayden decided to stick with her save-the-whales routine, and that's where shit got personal between the two of us.
If you read her sweatshirt closely in the above photograph, you'll notice that it instructs the reader to "boycott Japanese, Icelandic, and Norwegian goods." NORWEGIAN goods?! As in my ancestral fatherland? Are you kidding me, bitch? If you think I'm going to quit buying the occasional painted lefse stick or the odd Christmas tin of pickled herring, you are insane.
Being that my Nordic fatherland is kicking it somewhere in the neighborhood of the Arctic Circle, there aren't a lot of resources available. Whales are one of Scandinavia's few natural resources which can be exploited for commercial advantage, besides fucking reindeer, scratchy wool sweaters, and smoked fishes. So Hayden needs to mind her own business about Norway's fishing industry. They're just trying to make that money where they can. Yes, there's an international moratorium on whaling that Norway chooses to ignore, but it's not like Norwegian fisherman are causing their extinction. There has never been a huge market for whale meat in Norway, and Norway only kills somewhere around 500-1500 minke whales per year as part of a centuries-old whaling tradition, according to The Whaleman Foundation (Hayden's whale saving group of choice). Considering there are almost 200,000 minke whales swimming around the North Atlantic, and another 300,000-700,000 in the Southern hemisphere, it's not like they are going extinct from the efforts of a few random Norwegian fisherman catering to a specialty seafood market.
Furthermore, Norway has already sent several strongly worded letters of protest to the International Whaling Commission concerning the moratorium established on whaling in 1986. Norway has argued that although whaling isn't a big part of their economy, it is essential to the livelihood of some small farms and fisheries and is culturally important to coastal areas in northern Norway. Because Norway has rigorously tracked and monitored its minke whale population, they argue that it is sustainable, and although I am not a population biologist, this seems reasonable considering less than 1% of the world minke population is eliminated annually by whaling. It's not like this is 18th century Nantucket and every sperm whale in the ocean is finding itself on the business end of a harpoon; far more whales meet a natural death than one by whaleboat. Hayden needs to shut the fuck up and get back to licking random inanimate objects (ie: the Stanley Cup) and boning her overbearing 30-year-old costars, because those are the only matters she can speak of with any authority.
Hayden is especially annoying considering when she tried and failed to stop a traditional long-pole dolphin hunt in Japan a few months back, she was blubbering (pun intended) about how peaceful and cute all the soon-to-be-sushi dolphins were. She also reminded everyone that they are mammals, just like us. Well, last time I opened a book of Linnean taxonomy, the sheep that gave their lives for her hideous UGG boots were also in Order Mammalia. Rather than see her demanding we cease purchasing Australian exports on the grounds that they needlessly slaughter thousands of passive, cute, live birth-having, lactating sheep to make ugly surfer boots, Hayden just pulls on her sheepskins and lectures us about the whales with cozy feet. I guess since Hayden doesn't eat whale, it's more convenient to protest other cultures which might do so on a limited basis rather than ones that destroy thousands of innocent sheep.
She is lucky that this isn't the tenth century, because otherwise I'd settle this with her the Viking way. I'm not really sure what that is, but I would guess it means loading up a ship at Trondheim with my barbarian kinsmen and sailing up whatever fjord Hayden lives on to pillage and rape the shit out of those pikktrynes living in her village. Then we'd celebrate with a raging linje aquavit-fueled feast of minke whale. Man, I wish it was the tenth century.
Labels: celebrities, Daily Douchebag, media whores, sexy delicious animals, sluts, uff da
Monday, January 28, 2008
Nothing says "murdering drug dealer" like this outfit

Somehow, I don't think even the double murder rap he's facing is going to give him a lot of credibility with the hardened criminals down at the jail with that kind of footwear. Certainly if I were a violent felon looking to get my prison rape on I'd totally call first dibs on old Simba-slippers and make a beeline for the showers or the laundry room or wherever forcible sodomy between incarcerated criminals is wont to occur. I'm thinking William Torres is going to have a rough go of things if he can't post bail before his trial. Besides, it's not like those pussy feet have any air of real intimidation, like, say, THESE slippers would:

CHONGAY CHONG, lion slippers!
Labels: CHONGAY CHONG, comeuppance, crime and punishment, hilarious shit
Miss America STILL sucks
After watching five minutes of this, I deemed their effort to modernize Miss America as a total fucking failure. From what I can tell, they hired some loser from "Entertainment Tonight" (I guess Ryan Seacrest is doing Miss USA) to emcee, and put the bitches in jeans during the opening dance number. I guess jeans are an improvement from the coordinated dress outfits they used to wear during the "Parade of States" or whatever, which always looked like a Tina Knowles-designed cross between Tonya Harding's Lillehammer '94 Sergeant Pepper/disco ball skating costume and something that came out of Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan's evening formalwear closet. However, the pageant was still boring, so I flipped channels until it was time to announce the winner. I had to switch to "Rock of Love 2" reruns through the entire talent competition for fear of going murderously insane watching hookers tap dance around to appalling arrangements of Scott Joplin's jaunty ragtime favorites and listening to these broads caterwauling showtunes from yesteryear.
When I did change back to TLC for the finale and the "Here she is...Miss America" (which sounds just as not-jazzy as ever), I was disappointed to note that Miss Michigan beat out Miss Washington to win the crown. Miss Michigan looks just as boring as Miss America always does:

I mean, I'm sure she is a fucking lunatic off the stage. She has crazy in the eyes, and you know that underneath that Barbified exterior is a ruthless psychopath. She told the press later that she's a third-generation beauty queen, validating my suspicions about her mental condition. She comes from a family of dysfunctional nutcases. Her mom is an "active volunteer" in the pageant community (translation: stage mom from hell), and I can only imagine what sort of behind-the-scenes sabotage and extortion these two employed to get their hands on the crown. Sadly, unless Miss Michigan-now-America gets into coke or something, her reign as Miss America will probably be as forgettable as all her predecessors. Clearly, the organizers of the Miss America pageant still have a lot to do in order to make this shit timely or remotely interesting. I think it's time for them to get reckless. Their first order of business should be to hire Katie Rees as the head bitch in charge. Katie Rees is a pageant alum herself, and although she was unceremoniously booted from holding the title of Miss Nevada prior to the Miss USA pageant by Donald Trump, she knows how to deliver some compelling entertainment:




Now THAT is a Miss America pageant I would glue myself to the TV for. TLC and Miss America need to seriously consider this for next year. It would be a ratings juggernaut, and Katie Rees probably needs a job. It's a win-win! Trust!
Labels: beauty queens, hot chicks, lezbollah, sluts, TV
Mary Kay started it
States get tough on classroom sexual misconductExcuse me, "Associated Press" or whatever your name is who wrote this article, but why did you only give Washington state a passing mention? There's nary a single sound bite from someone in the Dub-A about how we're cracking down on teacher molestation, and that's truly an inexcusable journalistic oversight. We started this trend! Remember these two lovebirds?
(AP) Heeding a steady drumbeat of sexual misconduct cases involving teachers, at least 15 states are now considering stronger oversight and tougher punishment for educators who take advantage of their students.
Lawmakers say they are concerned about an increasingly well-documented phenomenon: While the vast majority of America's teachers are committed professionals, there also is a persistent problem with sexual misconduct in U.S. schools.
When abuse happens, administrators too often fail to let others know about it, and too many legal loopholes let offenders stay in the classroom.
Advocates include governors, education superintendents and legislative leaders.
"We've got to be on a bully pulpit with our school districts," said Missouri state Rep. Jane Cunningham.
Cunningham's legislation would eliminate statutes of limitation for sexual misconduct, allowing victims to come forward and bring charges against abusers no matter how many years had passed since the crime.
The ideas emerging in state capitals come at a time when U.S. media have been reporting steadily on individual cases, along with more in-depth examinations of the problem.
A nationwide Associated Press investigation published in October found 2,570 educators whose teaching credentials were revoked, denied, surrendered or sanctioned from 2001 through 2005 following allegations of sexual misconduct. Experts who track sexual abuse say those cases are representative of a much deeper problem because of underreporting.
In eight states, leaders pushing changes said the AP investigation had inspired their proposals. Others said they had grown concerned from individual cases of abuse in their states, or other news reports that looked at the problem locally or in their state.
In New York, Gov. Eliot Spitzer supports automatic suspension of teachers convicted of sex crimes, which now requires lengthy hearings. In Maine, Gov. John Baldacci hopes to share the names of abusive teachers with other states, which a 1913 confidentiality law there prohibits.
In Florida, Gov. Charlie Crist endorsed federal legislation proposed by U.S. Rep. Adam Putnam, a Florida Republican, to create a national databank of abusive teachers, a hot line for complaints and federal funds for state investigators.
Some states are looking to increase penalties, expand background checks or broaden their ability to police charter schools for abuse, like Indiana, Massachusetts and Utah. Kentucky and South Carolina are considering making it illegal for teachers to have sex with older students.
Several states are tackling a major problem -- the loopholes that allow problem teachers to move from one school district to another, or from one state to another.
The AP investigation found that what education officials commonly call "passing the trash" happens when districts allow a teacher to quietly leave a school, or fail to report problems to state authorities, or fail to check with state authorities before hiring a teacher, among other glitches.
In eight states, legislators are pursuing changes to close those gaps, including California, Colorado, Florida, Minnesota, Missouri, Virginia, Washington state and West Virginia.
"Despite acts of misconduct that were threatening and dangerous in schools, there is a track record of people going on to another school district and finding employment," said Missouri state Senate President Pro Tem Michael Gibbons. "The new school district may get the truth, but they don't get the whole truth about this person's background.
They may find out the dates of service, they may find out this person was dismissed, but there really is no other information forthcoming."
His legislation aims to get school employees and districts to share all information about job-hunting teachers, including whether those educators sexually abused their students, by granting administrators civil immunity from lawsuits.
Other states approach the same problem differently. A Colorado measure being drafted would penalize school districts and state officials that fail to report problem teachers, while a West Virginia proposal would open school officials themselves to punishment. Florida would bar any confidentiality agreement between districts and teachers, and require districts to report every firing to the state.
In California, one proposal would close a loophole that bars the teacher credentialing commission from revealing the reason teachers lose their licenses if they plead no contest to an offense.
Under no contest pleas, defendants are punished as if they pleaded guilty, but retain the right to challenge the charges against them in lawsuits and other proceedings. Such deals have meant public records were unclear about why educator licenses were sanctioned in dozens of cases, the AP found.
"You should not be able to plead no contest to a sex offense just so you can continue teaching," said state Sen. Bob Margett. The measure means teachers who plead no contest would immediately lose their license, and the reason for the revocation would be public record.
Some say the latest legislation is just the beginning.
South Carolina has created a new committee of parents, teachers, social workers and prosecutors to study the problem and come back with new ideas.
Though small statistically, the number of abusive teachers is too high, South Carolina Education Superintendent Jim Rex wrote after reading the AP report.
"I am nonetheless outraged by any incident in which an adult entrusted with the care of one of South Carolina's students violates that student. The ramifications for that student, his or her family, and the community as a whole are painful and long lasting," he wrote.
In Utah, the numbers of abuses flat-out shocked state Rep. Carl Wimmer. "These things happen a lot more often than parents would think," he said. "It seems we do have an unacceptable high amount of children who get violated in the classroom. One is too many."

Even if Washington and the P-N-Dub's heroic, simple, and totally effective efforts to curb teacher-student sex did get the shaft in this investigation, at least maybe all this media attention on children effing their trusted educators will result in something undeniably positive: an excuse to show reruns of "All-American Girl: The Mary Kay LeTourneau Story" on Lifetime, starring Penelope Ann Miller as MKLT. That was the best Lifetime movie ever. If anything, it shed some light as to why MKLT forsook her husband and four children to bone the overgelled and pubestachioed tween Vili Fualaau. Her husband was a dick, and she had daddy issues, and she wasn't getting any, and that Vili Fualaau was a smooth talker. He may have only been thirteen, but in the movie he was spitting some game straight out of a Billy Dee Williams Colt 45 commercial. God, I probably would have even fucked Vili Fualaau, and I hate kids! I hate kids so much I want to drop-kick them when I see them, but Vili Fualaau had something going on. He was such a pick-up artist that he could teach Robert Sylvester Kelly a thing or two about being a flirt. If Vili Fualaau in real life is anything like the stunningly accomplished actor who played him in the Lifetime movie, I can hardly blame MKLT for succumbing to his seductive wiles. Plus, he looked like he was hot in the sack. Like I said, best. Lifetime. Movie! EVER!
Labels: crime and punishment, destroy all children, P-N-Dub, politics, ridiculous absurdity, sex, sexual assault, TV
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Sergio Cool Jew-Bagel

DOB: November 2007
Occupation: being sickeningly cute
Hometown: Covington, Louisiana
Current residence: casa de Cool Jew-Bagel, New Orleans, Louisiana
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I'm not so sick and depraved as to be into bestiality--especially not with puppies--so I don't really want to hit Sergio, but I simply had to weigh in on how FUCKING OBSCENELY, RIDICULOUSLY CUTE LL Cool Jew and BigBagel's new puppy is. I got a call from LL Cool Jew to check my e-mail a while back, and found this letter:
Hi,
My name is Sergio, and I am the newest member of the Cool Jew-Bagel family. I weigh about 2 pounds and like my new big sister, I am a long-hair chihuahua. I am about 9 weeks old and was born in Covington, La.
Here are some pictures of me.
In the first one, I am showing my ability to mug for the camera, or at the very least be really freaked out by that giant human shoving it in my face and making funny noises.

In the second photo, my new sister is showing how excited she is to meet me.

In the third photo, I take my first bath. It sucked.

In the final photo, there I am with the scary but warm lady who keeps making coo-ing noises.

Anyway, nice to meet you! I hope you make it to New Orleans soon to see me in person.Sergio is a hot, fluffy little piece. If my apartment weren't already overrun with dogs, I'd want one of those little 2-pound feather dusters for my very own. For one thing, it would be nice to have a small dog that is actually small (versus one that weighs in at a monstrous THIRTY pounds like Chingy! the Hutt, who is presently putting my feet to sleep and snoring loud enough to sound like a fucking wood chipper...CHONGAY CHONG, Sergio!). For another, I'm just a sucker for cute puppies. I can't wait until Sergio gets to meet his Auntie Razzy. Looks like a trip to New Orleans is in my near future.
-Sergio
Labels: BigBagel, Caese Doggy Dogg, CHONGAY CHONG, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, doggity style, LL Cool Jew, the D
Daily Douchebag: Hofit Golan

DOB: ???
Occupation: media whore, fug-ass model
Hometown: somewhere in Israel
Current residence: wherever there is some shitty-ass premiere nobody cares about and she can show up looking like a Sarah Jessica Parker drag performer
Douchebaggery: Yesterday, Dlisted had some pictures up of some chick named Hofit Golan, and I was like, "who?" So I Googled her and managed to come up a long list of events she has attended--mostly premieres for movies like Fred Claus and Sleuth--and virtually no information about her at all. I finally managed to discern that she is some Israeli model, although what she has actually been paid to model for is unclear. I couldn't find any magazine photos, ads, or runway shows that she's starred it, unless the red carpet at so-and-so's cell phone launch party counts as a runway. Besides being an apparently seldom-employed model, she is also friends with Petra Nemacova (who I only know because she broke her shit in the tsunami and then spent a year fucking that loser James Blunt) and Caprice (who I only know from her appearance on "The Surreal Life"), and she likes to wear outfits that showcase her ossified snap-on tits. Seriously, do they have breast implant technology from the '80s in Israel, or what? Because while Israel has done a bang-up job stockpiling their arsenals with state-of-the-art Jericho missiles, they apparently haven't been keeping up with advances in cosmetic surgery if Hofit's cans are any indication. "Hofit"is certainly an appropriate name for this broad given that it describes the tailoring on all her dresses.
How did Hofit's modeling career take off so dramatically? I can't figure this out. Unless of course she's working as a "glamour model" AKA bitch making $50 a shoot to suck balls for a spread in Swank magazine. Somehow she winds up with her cantaloupes popping out of designer gowns attending yacht parties in Cannes, yet she looks like the unholy spawn of Tori Spelling and Linda Evans:



Anyway, in spite of exhaustive Google searching, I can't really find out anything about Hofit Golan other than she's apparently a media whore, albeit not a very good one. Sure, she has gotten her picture taken at a lot of places, but I can't even figure out how old she is, her measurements, or where in Israel she is from. Although I haven't found out enough about her to give me any sort of tangible reason to dislike her other than my preference for cleavage that lacks capsular contracture, I figured she's douchebag worthy enough for being lousy at being famous. Bitch doesn't even have a website or a MySpace page! Hofit Golan, how am I supposed to adequately make fun of you when I can't find a single website with your biography on it? If she wants to be a celebrity (as all the events she hams it up for on the red carpet implies), then homegirl needs to make it easier for bloggers to find embarrassing information about her on the internets! Jeez. Some people.
Labels: Daily Douchebag, media whores, plastic surgery, sluts, you're ugly
Friday, January 25, 2008
Daily Douchebag: people who say "Vote for Hillary" because she's a broad



DOB: various
Occupation: reminding me that I have a vagina and XX chromosomes and a pair of tits, and thus should like Hillary Clinton
Hometown: various
Current residence: various, but there's plenty in NYC
Douchebaggery: I've heard from several of my friends recently expressions of shock that I'm not into Hillary because "she's a woman." My friends aren't douchebags, but just because they are smart and I love them doesn't mean that I have to agree with them on this point. The other day I treated JerseyGirl to a lengthy oration on my grand love for John McCain and she replied, "Razzy, I like McCain, but Hillary's a woman."
I scoffed and responded, "If that's how you feel, then you should have voted for Elizabeth Dole in 2000."
JerseyGirl acknowledged that I had a point there. Now, I realize that she and LL Cool Jew, who is also a Hillary girl, like more about Mrs. Clinton than just her vagina. In fact, if her vagina were available for public scrutiny, I'm willing to bet that she wouldn't even be a contender in the race. You know Hillary's bits are wrinkly and gross. I would attribute that even more than her atrocious personality as the main factor driving her husband into the arms of many a porky skank. No, JerseyGirl and LL Cool Jew like Hillary's policies as well. I, however, do NOT.
I don't like how Hillary Clinton is going after Barack Obama, and vice versa. It makes them both look petty and ridiculous, and validates every suspicion I have that Hillary will say anything and everything to gain power. I don't like people who are disingenuous, and Hillary strikes me as extremely disingenuous. I feel like she would promise me one thing and then promise my neighbor the opposite so long as it meant we would both vote for her.
I also don't like her actual policies. She wants to spend too much money on the wrong things. For example, she busts on Bush's tax cuts but allocated millions to build a museum commemorating Woodstock. Bitch, we are in serious debt, in a money-sucking war, and about to enter a recession; we don't need to be wasting taxpayer money on hippie museums! She is basically a socialist, and has called the free-market economy "radically disruptive." Yet, while Hillary loves to talk trash about how evil capitalists have profited at the expense of the common worker's health care, she worked as a corporate lawyer for Wal-Mart and sat on their board. Slut needs to shut up about helping out the working class when she sat on the board of directors for a company whose business plan famously screws its employees out of benefits and decent wages. She's also always talking about what a great job she did with the whole health care thing when her husband the Silver Fox was in office. That's in spite of the fact that last time I checked, the state of health care in America is worse than it's ever been before. More people are uninsured, more people are denied coverage, and more people are getting repeated fucked over financially by the entire system, yet Hillary loves to pat herself on the back for having tackled it and failed miserably fifteen years ago. Hillary is a liar and a hypocrite, and I don't need her patronizingly informing me of all she's done to help out the common man--or woman.
The most glaring example, however, of why I hate Hillary is the Iraq War. Hillary is always talking about what a shitshow this thing is and how she just wants to bring everyone home right away, regardless of the consequences. However, BITCH VOTED FOR THE WAR! I don't appreciate her whining about Bush "rushing to war" when her ass voted to authorize him to do so. I also don't like that she explains her actions by whining about how Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction there (we all know that), and then proposes to just bring everyone home. I am not a fan of the Iraq War AT ALL, and I think we never should have gotten ourselves into that appalling mess. However, thanks to Senator Clinton and all our other elected legislators who voted for it, we're now stuck in it. I'm not sure what the solution is or if there is one, but I know that it is NOT just saying, "See ya, Iraq" and busting the fuck out of there. Clinton helped get us into this mess, and now she's trying to get us out by just saying, "Oops, our bad. Later, dudes! See you when you're politically stable, which will be NEVER." I do not want this prostitute managing our departure from Iraq. She didn't know what the fuck she was doing when she voted yes to war, she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing now when she's opposing it, and she is being dishonest to make up for how pathetically unqualified she is at managing the entire clusterfuck. I understand that "flip-flopping" is a normal part of politics, and there will never be a politician who has been consistent on every policy. However, the war in Iraq is probably the biggest issue to flip-flop on out there, and it's clear that her position changed solely for political reasons. I don't want a Senator who votes based on her own ambitions for power rather than the good of her constituents. I didn't vote to re-elect Hillary in 2006, and I am not voting for her for president in 2008 under any circumstances. I would seriously rather elect Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee than Hillary Clinton.
Many people have suggested that those who oppose Hillary Clinton are doing so by judging her unfairly because she's female. I've heard a lot of commentary about how men are never criticized so harshly about their looks or their clothes, and it's just another example of how sexism is still insidiously prevalent in our society. I could care less whether or not Hillary is being judged unfairly for her vile taste in pantsuits. She is a liar, and she could be the most awe-inspiring beauty in the world and I wouldn't like her. Her vagina isn't any more important to me than John McCain's penis (although I know which one of those I'd rather be face-to-face with). I judge her on her record, which is contradictory and unsettling. Casting my vote based on her gender is just as arbitrary as not casting it based on her style choices, and I don't feel that the feminist thing to do is to make an incompetent liar the head bitch in charge of America.
Besides, hooker went to Wellesley. FUCK WELLESLEY! The first president from the Seven Sisters isn't going to be one of those sluts from the other side of Assachusetts. She's going to be a Smith College graduate. Named Razzy. She's going to never lie, wear lots of low-cut tops (which double as excellent tools for diplomacy), deliver speeches replete with plenty of what Robert Sylvester Kelly would call "real talk," reinstate the Monroe Doctrine, and invade Canada. Just kidding about that last part. I'm actually going to invade Mexico. It will solve a big chunk of our immigration problem and as an added bonus, tacos and Cuervo shots for everyone! The point is, back when I was at Smith some dumb girls would wear these shirts with former alumnae Barbara Bush and Nancy Reagan on them that said, "There's got to be a better way to get a Smithie in the White House." I'll tell you what that way is. Don't vote for Hillary in 2008, and vote for Razzy in 2016 after President McCain rules America's face off for two terms! GO PIONEERS!
Labels: Daily Douchebag, feminazism, John McCain, libertarians rule, media whores, Mitt Romney, politics, President William Jefferson Clinton, scathing indictments, sluts, tyrannical rulers
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Roberta McCain


DOB: February 7, 1912
Occupation: hot bitch who pops off at the mouth
Hometown: Muskogee, Oklahoma
Current residence: the campaign trail, seemingly, so she's probably snuggled up in her bunk on the Straight Talk Express somewhere near Boca Raton, Florida
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Roberta McCain is the hotness known as Senator John McCain's mother. The other day she went on C-SPAN to dish about how her baby boy's presidential campaign is faring, and had some choice words for his buddies over at the Grand Old Party when asked about how much support they were giving her son.
"I don't think he has any," said Roberta. "I don't know what the base of the Repub--maybe I don't know enough about it, but I've not seen any help whatsoever."
I love how she cut herself off. I get the feeling that she was about to finish that with "I don't know that the base of the Republican party is smoking" or "I don't know what the base of the Republic party thinks with, but it sure ain't their brains" or some other curmudgeonly old lady witticism, but thought better of it when she remembered that you can't be that blunt in politics, even if you are a nonagenarian. She learned this lesson the hard way when she shot her yapper off on MSNBC last November about Mitt Romney's handling of the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics when Chris Matthews asked if she thought Romney had done much "heavy lifting for America," and suggested that Mormons were behind the ensuing bid scandals and budget deficits. Senator McCain was like, "MOOOOOOMMMM!" and then had to say that he liked Mormons just fine and wasn't blaming the angel Moroni (seriously, the main Mormon angel is named MORONI) for shady Olympics-related money matters. Check out this bitch in action. Not only does she call Mitt Romney "a Senator, uh, a Congressman, a Senat--WHATEVER," the look on Senator McCain's face is PRICELESS once she busts out "well, he's a Mormon, and the Mormons of Salt Lake City had caused that scandal." Chris Matthews can't stop laughing.
Anyway, back to her more recent C-SPAN interview. After demurely noting that the Republicans are a bunch of disloyal assholes who hate her son, Roberta then says, "Fuck it, I'm old, I'll say what I want!" Not really, but she says, that if McCain wins the nomination, "holding their nose they'll have to take him."
I love this broad. I think they should interview her every day. In past interviews, she has described herself as "too emotional," and you know she is not a bitch to trifle with. Even when John McCain returned from five years being hung on hooks from his broken arms and subjected to Deerhunter-like forms of psychological torture, she wouldn't take any crap from him. Apparently he unleashed a stream of profanity with regard to his captors, and Roberta responded that if he didn't shut up, "Johnny, I'm going to come over there and wash your mouth out with soap." Never mind that the whole washing one's mouth out threat is idle, since it creates more trouble than it solves as ingesting soap can cause diarrhea. I love that after five years living the real-life equivalent of a Missing in Action movie, John McCain's mother still won't abide by him dropping some f-bombs about the experience.
Roberta would be the world's best First Mother. You know she'd be his de facto top advisor. Last year on Mother's Day, Mom and Baby McCain went on "Meet the Press," where John said, "She is 95 years young, and is my most constant and frequent critic. And she will give me her advice and counsel quite often, and of course I love her and appreciate it." Translation: Roberta is in fucking charge. In addition to his power lesbian wife rocking her USMC and NAVY broaches, McCain is poised to put some fierce bitches in the White House if he wins. You know these ladies are really running the show:

Also, for everyone who is suggesting that John McCain is too old to be president, let me remind you that Roberta is a week shy of turning 96. She's still in overdrive and clearly has all her wits about her. Since genetics play a role in both longevity and age-related brain function, then I'm not thinking that McCain is going to croak or go senile while in office. He's going to keep rocking the house flanked by Roberta and Cindy, with Roberta wearing an impeccable Chanel suit and not giving a fuck if people don't like what she has to say. Roberta IS the Straight Talk Express. Go Team McCain!
Labels: aging, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, defiance, hot chicks, intentional buffoonery, John McCain, media whores, Mitt Romney, politics, sluts
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Lil' Wayne returns to the pokey
