Thursday, March 15, 2007
College kids binge drink? You're KIDDING me.
Whenever I tell people I go to Columbia, their reaction is usually like, "Oooo, Columbia! That's a great school!" Indeed Columbia is a fine institution of higher learning and for the most part is richly deserving of the status accorded to Ivy League schools. The "Oooo, Columbia!" reaction is also highly preferable to the reaction people have upon hearing that I went to Smith College, which is either "Isn't that all-girls?" or "Is everybody there a lesbian or what?"
The thing about going to fancy schools is that the name carries a lot of weight, but in my experience, they are populated by just as many morons as anywhere else. The only difference is that Ivy League morons are more insufferably elitist and superior (ie: Aleksey Vayner) than the morons who can't brag about going to Columbia/Harvard/Yale/Dartmouth/Penn/Cornell/Brown. In most cases, Columbia doesn't do much else differently than a lot of other accredited, reputable universities. They conduct plenty of what I call No Shit, Sherlock research.
For example, they were just bragging about this study on the Columbia website. It reveals the **shocking** fact that...HALF OF COLLEGE STUDENTS BINGE DRINK! Are you fucking for real? Because I thought that the Smith bitches who would go on the occasional peach schnapps bender were an isolated phenomenon. I had no idea that binge drinking was such a common part of college culture. Nobody ever told me that this sort of thing was going on in college:
I can't believe this type of No Shit, Sherlock study is getting funded and polio is getting a whole big fat wad of NOTHING. I mean, are they actually suggesting that not only do half of college kids get WASTED and think it's fun to do so (which everyone already knows), but that this should actually be stopped? That's BULLSHIT!
I know it's fake news, but this study published in the venerable Onion is the type that SHOULD be getting lots of press. To quote fictional study author Dr. Albert Greaves at U-Ass Amherst (right down Route 9 from good old Smith), "Over the course of our research, a consistent pattern emerged demonstrating that binge drinking seriously kicks ass."
And indeed it does. Columbia needs to get off its high and mighty ass and do something useful instead of spending millions of dollars to tell the world something that's already common knowledge. The fucktards running this ivory tower need to put the money towards curing cancer or AIDS or something we can all benefit from. Are you listening, President Bollinger?
The thing about going to fancy schools is that the name carries a lot of weight, but in my experience, they are populated by just as many morons as anywhere else. The only difference is that Ivy League morons are more insufferably elitist and superior (ie: Aleksey Vayner) than the morons who can't brag about going to Columbia/Harvard/Yale/Dartmouth/Penn/Cornell/Brown. In most cases, Columbia doesn't do much else differently than a lot of other accredited, reputable universities. They conduct plenty of what I call No Shit, Sherlock research.
For example, they were just bragging about this study on the Columbia website. It reveals the **shocking** fact that...HALF OF COLLEGE STUDENTS BINGE DRINK! Are you fucking for real? Because I thought that the Smith bitches who would go on the occasional peach schnapps bender were an isolated phenomenon. I had no idea that binge drinking was such a common part of college culture. Nobody ever told me that this sort of thing was going on in college:
I can't believe this type of No Shit, Sherlock study is getting funded and polio is getting a whole big fat wad of NOTHING. I mean, are they actually suggesting that not only do half of college kids get WASTED and think it's fun to do so (which everyone already knows), but that this should actually be stopped? That's BULLSHIT!
I know it's fake news, but this study published in the venerable Onion is the type that SHOULD be getting lots of press. To quote fictional study author Dr. Albert Greaves at U-Ass Amherst (right down Route 9 from good old Smith), "Over the course of our research, a consistent pattern emerged demonstrating that binge drinking seriously kicks ass."
And indeed it does. Columbia needs to get off its high and mighty ass and do something useful instead of spending millions of dollars to tell the world something that's already common knowledge. The fucktards running this ivory tower need to put the money towards curing cancer or AIDS or something we can all benefit from. Are you listening, President Bollinger?
Labels: alcoholism, Aleksey Vayner, grad school bullshit
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Balboa vs. Vayner: Impossible is Nothing
I'm totally NOT going to see that new Rocky movie, only because Rocky V sucked so much ass it totally negated the awesomeness of Rocky, Rocky III, and Rocky IV combined. However, my new friend from my JFK-SeaTac flight sent me this video, and I have to say, if this shit was actually the plot of Rocky Balboa, I'd show up and see the shit at midnight on opening night.
Behold, Impossible is Nothing, an epic Hollywood showcase of pugilism so ferociously rad that it should be a fucking crime that this movie has NOT been made:
I never thought that Rocky Balboa would face a more contemptible foe of than Ivan Drago, but I stand corrected. When Aleksey Vayner finally gets kicked out of Yale for plagiarism and/or assault via unlicensed acupuncture and/or profiting from fraudulent charities and/or one stint on academic probation too many and/or just being a lying putz in general, I think he should seriously consider a career as a sports movie villain. Everyone already knows that he's the fucking Sir Laurence Olivier of pretending to be athletic already.
Behold, Impossible is Nothing, an epic Hollywood showcase of pugilism so ferociously rad that it should be a fucking crime that this movie has NOT been made:
I never thought that Rocky Balboa would face a more contemptible foe of than Ivan Drago, but I stand corrected. When Aleksey Vayner finally gets kicked out of Yale for plagiarism and/or assault via unlicensed acupuncture and/or profiting from fraudulent charities and/or one stint on academic probation too many and/or just being a lying putz in general, I think he should seriously consider a career as a sports movie villain. Everyone already knows that he's the fucking Sir Laurence Olivier of pretending to be athletic already.
Labels: Aleksey Vayner, hilarious shit, ridiculous absurdity
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Six degrees of Aleksey Vayner
Yesterday while I was waiting to board my flight at JFK I sat down and attempted to stuff Chingy!'s fat ass back into his skintight travel bag. The girl sitting next to me in the waiting area started complimenting him on his cuteness, and I was like, "He might look cute, but he has a yeast infection...in his ears. Cute, right?" The girl was undeterred, and we got to chatting.
When we boarded the plane, I discovered that the girl was sitting in my very aisle. We continued talking, and I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a person on a plane who I not only didn't mind talking with, but whose conversation I actually enjoyed. She is a student at Yale, and knows some people at Smith. I related to her the Tej Bindra saga. Fortunately, it seems her Smith friends are not Tej, which would explain why this chick was so friendly to me. Then, while we both leafed through her Us Weekly and talked about how much we each hate Jennifer Aniston, she mentioned something about Aleksey Vayner.
"Aleksey Vayner?" I asked. "Shit, do you know him? I made fun of him on my blog, too." In late October, I came across his now-famous video CV, "Impossible is Nothing", leaked after an interview with UBS Warburg, and ragged on him and what I surmised was his impossibly small penis. In said extremely overcompensating video, he lifts weights, performs a variety of trick skiing maneuvers, dances with a miserable-looking chick in a leotard, plays tennis with himself, and karate chops a stack of bricks in between lectures on how to achieve success. I was by no means the only person on the internet making fun of this; Aleksey Vayner was all over the blogosphere and the cable news. Advertising God and C-NBC pundit Donny Deutsch even thought he was such a narcissistic, pompous bullshitter that he would "hire him sight unseen."
"Know him?" she said. "He's a legend at Yale. He still goes there. He's on the seven year plan, since he gets such pathetic grades." Then she explained that she knows him quite well, and I won't explain how, because Mr. Vayner is quick to litigate and I don't want to get her in trouble. In any event, he's 24 and still is only a junior at Yale because he's failed so many classes, so I would imagine that lawsuits and various internet scams are his main prospects for making money if and when he finally does graduate.
Not that Aleksey Vayner has anyone to blame but himself for being quite possibly the biggest douche on the planet. This girl told me all kinds of stories about him that are, well, ridiculous. "His last name used to be Garber," she said. "But he had to change it because he told all these ridiculous lies about himself during his pre-frosh orientation, and people were making fun of him before he even got to Yale."
The video was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of Aleksey Vayner shenanigans. "He wrote a book about the Holocaust!" she said. "A book about women in the Holocaust, no less! And you know what it was called? Women's Silent Tears."
I snorted with laughter. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"I'm not, but that's not even the best part. He plagiarized the entire book from an online encyclopedia about the Holocaust! Word for fucking word."
"No!" I said, scandalized. "What kind of dipshit plagiarizes something that's online...and what kind of dipshit tries to profit from a counterfeit book ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST?!"
"Only Aleksey," she said. "And also, he had all these links on his website to donate to this charity he claimed to run, called--" (She giggled) "--Youth Empowerment Strategies, or YES. All the links went back to his personal PayPal account!"
"Strange that he didn't mention 'creating fraudulent charities' in his lectures on how to succeed," I laughed. "Dude, I should have done more Aleksey Vayner research when I wrote my original blog entry. All I did was dig up some footage from FoxNews where they were reporting that he was suing UBS for leaking his video CV."
"Yeah, 'Impossible is Nothing', which he shamelessly stole from an old Adidas ad campaign! Seriously, he has made such a name for himself at Yale that they have Aleksey Vayner parties, where you go dressed up as Karate Aleksey, Weight-Lifting Aleksey, Skiing Aleksey, Under Armour-Shirt-Wearing Aleksey. He claimed at one point that he was a model for Under Armour!" she laughed. "And he makes his extra money by performing acupuncture on people. Acupuncture! People actually pay this untrained asshole to stick needles into them!"
"Let me guess," I said. "He's not a licensed acupuncturist."
"Hell no!" she said. "But he charges like $100 a session anyway!"
I immediately resolved to check this out as soon as I got to my parents place. According to the (fucking hilarious) Wikipedia article about him, this is all true, and then some. He had to change his name after the pre-frosh lying incident because the stories he told are WHOPPERS. Among them are that "he is one of the four people in the state of Connecticut qualified to handle nuclear waste," he was a child secret agent for the CIA AND the Cosa Nostra, he gave tennis lessons to Sarah Michelle Gellar and Harrison Ford, he's repeatedly beaten Pete Sampras at tennis, is a personal friend of the Dalai Lama, and has killed over two dozen men in gladiatorial contests.
As amazing as Aleksey's completely unabashed and absurd chicanery is, what's more unbelievable is that this is the SECOND time I or one of my friends has randomly encountered Aleksey Vayner. When I initially posted his video CV, platinum elite-level Razzyphile Morrissey'sHair called me up and informed me that the guy spotting Aleksey during the weight lifting scenes in his video lived down the hall from him in college. "The dude was a grade A dickhead asshole," he told me.
And now I've run into a person who sees Aleksey Vayner on a daily basis, in the normal course of her life. Fuck Kevin Bacon; I think from now on, a good drinking game to play among graduates of snobby private colleges in the northeast would be "Six Degrees of Aleksey Vayner." This douchebag, it appears, is pervasive.
When we boarded the plane, I discovered that the girl was sitting in my very aisle. We continued talking, and I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a person on a plane who I not only didn't mind talking with, but whose conversation I actually enjoyed. She is a student at Yale, and knows some people at Smith. I related to her the Tej Bindra saga. Fortunately, it seems her Smith friends are not Tej, which would explain why this chick was so friendly to me. Then, while we both leafed through her Us Weekly and talked about how much we each hate Jennifer Aniston, she mentioned something about Aleksey Vayner.
"Aleksey Vayner?" I asked. "Shit, do you know him? I made fun of him on my blog, too." In late October, I came across his now-famous video CV, "Impossible is Nothing", leaked after an interview with UBS Warburg, and ragged on him and what I surmised was his impossibly small penis. In said extremely overcompensating video, he lifts weights, performs a variety of trick skiing maneuvers, dances with a miserable-looking chick in a leotard, plays tennis with himself, and karate chops a stack of bricks in between lectures on how to achieve success. I was by no means the only person on the internet making fun of this; Aleksey Vayner was all over the blogosphere and the cable news. Advertising God and C-NBC pundit Donny Deutsch even thought he was such a narcissistic, pompous bullshitter that he would "hire him sight unseen."
Not that Aleksey Vayner has anyone to blame but himself for being quite possibly the biggest douche on the planet. This girl told me all kinds of stories about him that are, well, ridiculous. "His last name used to be Garber," she said. "But he had to change it because he told all these ridiculous lies about himself during his pre-frosh orientation, and people were making fun of him before he even got to Yale."
The video was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of Aleksey Vayner shenanigans. "He wrote a book about the Holocaust!" she said. "A book about women in the Holocaust, no less! And you know what it was called? Women's Silent Tears."
I snorted with laughter. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"I'm not, but that's not even the best part. He plagiarized the entire book from an online encyclopedia about the Holocaust! Word for fucking word."
"No!" I said, scandalized. "What kind of dipshit plagiarizes something that's online...and what kind of dipshit tries to profit from a counterfeit book ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST?!"
"Only Aleksey," she said. "And also, he had all these links on his website to donate to this charity he claimed to run, called--" (She giggled) "--Youth Empowerment Strategies, or YES. All the links went back to his personal PayPal account!"
"Strange that he didn't mention 'creating fraudulent charities' in his lectures on how to succeed," I laughed. "Dude, I should have done more Aleksey Vayner research when I wrote my original blog entry. All I did was dig up some footage from FoxNews where they were reporting that he was suing UBS for leaking his video CV."
"Yeah, 'Impossible is Nothing', which he shamelessly stole from an old Adidas ad campaign! Seriously, he has made such a name for himself at Yale that they have Aleksey Vayner parties, where you go dressed up as Karate Aleksey, Weight-Lifting Aleksey, Skiing Aleksey, Under Armour-Shirt-Wearing Aleksey. He claimed at one point that he was a model for Under Armour!" she laughed. "And he makes his extra money by performing acupuncture on people. Acupuncture! People actually pay this untrained asshole to stick needles into them!"
"Let me guess," I said. "He's not a licensed acupuncturist."
"Hell no!" she said. "But he charges like $100 a session anyway!"
I immediately resolved to check this out as soon as I got to my parents place. According to the (fucking hilarious) Wikipedia article about him, this is all true, and then some. He had to change his name after the pre-frosh lying incident because the stories he told are WHOPPERS. Among them are that "he is one of the four people in the state of Connecticut qualified to handle nuclear waste," he was a child secret agent for the CIA AND the Cosa Nostra, he gave tennis lessons to Sarah Michelle Gellar and Harrison Ford, he's repeatedly beaten Pete Sampras at tennis, is a personal friend of the Dalai Lama, and has killed over two dozen men in gladiatorial contests.
As amazing as Aleksey's completely unabashed and absurd chicanery is, what's more unbelievable is that this is the SECOND time I or one of my friends has randomly encountered Aleksey Vayner. When I initially posted his video CV, platinum elite-level Razzyphile Morrissey'sHair called me up and informed me that the guy spotting Aleksey during the weight lifting scenes in his video lived down the hall from him in college. "The dude was a grade A dickhead asshole," he told me.
And now I've run into a person who sees Aleksey Vayner on a daily basis, in the normal course of her life. Fuck Kevin Bacon; I think from now on, a good drinking game to play among graduates of snobby private colleges in the northeast would be "Six Degrees of Aleksey Vayner." This douchebag, it appears, is pervasive.
Labels: Aleksey Vayner, assholes, hilarious shit, retard rage, ridiculous absurdity, scathing indictments, small penises
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