Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Hard dick and tricks
Alexyss K. Tylor is the shit! I love this bitch. I'm strongly considering moving to Hotlanta next year just so I can watch her on Public Access. Any woman who can sit there rattling off the specs on her dildo to her own damn mother is one who is a stand-up broad as far as I am concerned. I am all for encouraging women to ask men about their dicks, or as Alexyss puts it, "Do you got a damn six-shooter in there, or you got a damn Uzi?"
As amusing as she is, Alexyss really talks a lot of sense. More ladies need to hear the honest truth, and that is that when you sleep with a man who is married, has a girlfriend, or generally just regards you as a booty call, "You don't want to end the relationship when you never had one, other than him comin' over to give you some dick at night...THEY DON'T WANT YOU, and women don't want to hear this shit!"
It's true. A lot of men are getting free pussy from women that think they building up some kind of rep with him. This has to stop. Alexyss is the one to lead the revolution. She's like the Che Guevara of the vagina power movement. Except WAAAAAYYY hotter than that pinko. She's fighting the good fight against dickmatization and I salute her.
As amusing as she is, Alexyss really talks a lot of sense. More ladies need to hear the honest truth, and that is that when you sleep with a man who is married, has a girlfriend, or generally just regards you as a booty call, "You don't want to end the relationship when you never had one, other than him comin' over to give you some dick at night...THEY DON'T WANT YOU, and women don't want to hear this shit!"
It's true. A lot of men are getting free pussy from women that think they building up some kind of rep with him. This has to stop. Alexyss is the one to lead the revolution. She's like the Che Guevara of the vagina power movement. Except WAAAAAYYY hotter than that pinko. She's fighting the good fight against dickmatization and I salute her.
Labels: Alexyss K Tylor, hot chicks, I LOVE IT, perversion, sex, TV
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I'm Alexyssktyzed
Jesus Christ. I'm trying to get some work done and what should happen but I am alerted that there is an update to my only YouTube subscription: Alexyss K. Tylor. How am I supposed to be analytical, rational, and otherwise all-scientist-like (aka BOOOOORRRRRIINNNNG) when this woman keeps showing up with her keen and discerning words warning me against letting men bust nuts all up in my ass and dickmatize me without even buying me a plate of fried shrimp beforehand? It's impossible.
In case you've somehow missed the awesomeness that is Alexyss K. Tylor, let me quickly summarize. She's a fierce advocate of vagina power, and hosts a self-titled show on Hotlanta cable access where she tackles all types of sexual issues that other people are afraid to tackle. Sue Johansson, a wizened yet spry Canadian grandmother and late-night Oxygen network sex therapist who I've seen mimic the proper angle for comfortable anal penetration with her gnarled talons, seems unbelievably tame compared to Alexyss. Alexyss has previously warned women about the dangers of penis power, and how it will make you take dick up in your rectum without being showered with the respect you deserve, and how it will cause predatory gay Spelman College adjunct professors at obscure regional Georgia airport bathrooms molest unsuspecting dudes at the urinal, and how it causes men to struggle with their inner evil dick that stabs pussy in the back. I thought I knew all about sexual politics being a big slut and all, but Alexyss blows my damn mind.
Anyway, this month's show addresses a topic that has been largely untouched by the popular media: wealthy white men who venture into black neighborhoods, pick up black male prostitutes, and "screw em all in they ass," on account of their "addiction to have these black boys fill them up with black dick...bendin em over and busting their assholes out." This addiction apparently makes the wealthy white gay black dick addicts "rejuvenated...because ejaculation is gratification." Even better, Alexyss invited her mom to join in on the discussion about seedy interracial gay sodomy-for-hire addiction and its many perils:
I love when Alexyss's mom tries to underscore the prevalence of gay hooking among what Alexyss calls these "dope-sellin'...dressed like thugs, sellin' crack" men, and Alexyss goes crazy. "These are some GOOD-LOOKIN' MEN...out on the stroll flaggin' dicks down." And it's not just the crack dealers...it's also the crack addicts and the homeless who will apparently "suck a dick up until they hiccup for a fee. Or a piece of bread or a samich or something." At this point, Alexyss's mother assumes a "Dear Jesus save me" eye-rolling facial expression for the remainder of the clip, or at least for the parts where she isn't babbling incoherently. She can't seem to get over her confusion about what label to apply to these men and what the going rate for a blow job is in hamburgers, until Alexyss sagaciously reminds her of "the dog inside men" which compels even old men chewing snuff and wearing Depends on account of "their assholes being blown out, the bottom drops out on account of them having so many huge goddamn King Kong dicks up their ass."
Basically, Alexyss concludes by noting that almost all the world's problems are caused by too many dicks being shoved into too many asses. Alexyss does reassure her mother that she's not going to go that way, as she would like to avoid any "bowel problems, intestinal problems, and sit-down problems" and then provides viewers with an interesting lesson in colon physiology.
If not the president, Alexyss should at least be the surgeon general. She might be self-taught, but I guarantee she could instruct America a whole hell of a lot more effectively about human sexuality than that masturbating Joycelyn Elders quack. Man, whatever is in Alexyss's Kool-Aid...I WANT MORE!
In case you've somehow missed the awesomeness that is Alexyss K. Tylor, let me quickly summarize. She's a fierce advocate of vagina power, and hosts a self-titled show on Hotlanta cable access where she tackles all types of sexual issues that other people are afraid to tackle. Sue Johansson, a wizened yet spry Canadian grandmother and late-night Oxygen network sex therapist who I've seen mimic the proper angle for comfortable anal penetration with her gnarled talons, seems unbelievably tame compared to Alexyss. Alexyss has previously warned women about the dangers of penis power, and how it will make you take dick up in your rectum without being showered with the respect you deserve, and how it will cause predatory gay Spelman College adjunct professors at obscure regional Georgia airport bathrooms molest unsuspecting dudes at the urinal, and how it causes men to struggle with their inner evil dick that stabs pussy in the back. I thought I knew all about sexual politics being a big slut and all, but Alexyss blows my damn mind.
Anyway, this month's show addresses a topic that has been largely untouched by the popular media: wealthy white men who venture into black neighborhoods, pick up black male prostitutes, and "screw em all in they ass," on account of their "addiction to have these black boys fill them up with black dick...bendin em over and busting their assholes out." This addiction apparently makes the wealthy white gay black dick addicts "rejuvenated...because ejaculation is gratification." Even better, Alexyss invited her mom to join in on the discussion about seedy interracial gay sodomy-for-hire addiction and its many perils:
I love when Alexyss's mom tries to underscore the prevalence of gay hooking among what Alexyss calls these "dope-sellin'...dressed like thugs, sellin' crack" men, and Alexyss goes crazy. "These are some GOOD-LOOKIN' MEN...out on the stroll flaggin' dicks down." And it's not just the crack dealers...it's also the crack addicts and the homeless who will apparently "suck a dick up until they hiccup for a fee. Or a piece of bread or a samich or something." At this point, Alexyss's mother assumes a "Dear Jesus save me" eye-rolling facial expression for the remainder of the clip, or at least for the parts where she isn't babbling incoherently. She can't seem to get over her confusion about what label to apply to these men and what the going rate for a blow job is in hamburgers, until Alexyss sagaciously reminds her of "the dog inside men" which compels even old men chewing snuff and wearing Depends on account of "their assholes being blown out, the bottom drops out on account of them having so many huge goddamn King Kong dicks up their ass."
Basically, Alexyss concludes by noting that almost all the world's problems are caused by too many dicks being shoved into too many asses. Alexyss does reassure her mother that she's not going to go that way, as she would like to avoid any "bowel problems, intestinal problems, and sit-down problems" and then provides viewers with an interesting lesson in colon physiology.
If not the president, Alexyss should at least be the surgeon general. She might be self-taught, but I guarantee she could instruct America a whole hell of a lot more effectively about human sexuality than that masturbating Joycelyn Elders quack. Man, whatever is in Alexyss's Kool-Aid...I WANT MORE!
Labels: Alexyss K Tylor, I LOVE IT, intentional buffoonery, perversion, Razzification, sex
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
They fight with their dick and their nuts
Holy shit, I love Alexyss K. Tylor. I don't know why T.I. is Bankhead's most beloved native son when they've got Alexyss to brag about. I'm ready to move to Hotlanta just so I can see her show on public access. I could watch this hot bitch waving around her giant dildoes for extra emphasis as she discusses the internal "dick wars" that men apparently fight every day. Or something.
I have never before or since seen a woman who is so sagacious that I actually have no idea what she's talking about. All I know is that she's the kind of crazy that makes a hell of a lot of sense. I could listen to Alexyss spout wise gems like "The evil dick--the EVIL twin--is what turns the dick on and makes the nuts flare out...and tighten and EXPAND" and "dick stabs pussy in the back" all damn day long.
Seriously, if I ever need to go back to a therapist, fuck a shrink. I'm going to call up Alexyss for a dose of vagina power. It would be hard to feel depressed when your therapist is waving around those dicks like a pair of nunchakus while she helps you develop coping skills. Fuck Freud and Kinsey. Alexyss K. Tylor is probably the greatest scholar of sexual psychology to have ever lived. Y'all better recognize.
I have never before or since seen a woman who is so sagacious that I actually have no idea what she's talking about. All I know is that she's the kind of crazy that makes a hell of a lot of sense. I could listen to Alexyss spout wise gems like "The evil dick--the EVIL twin--is what turns the dick on and makes the nuts flare out...and tighten and EXPAND" and "dick stabs pussy in the back" all damn day long.
Seriously, if I ever need to go back to a therapist, fuck a shrink. I'm going to call up Alexyss for a dose of vagina power. It would be hard to feel depressed when your therapist is waving around those dicks like a pair of nunchakus while she helps you develop coping skills. Fuck Freud and Kinsey. Alexyss K. Tylor is probably the greatest scholar of sexual psychology to have ever lived. Y'all better recognize.
Labels: Alexyss K Tylor, hilarious shit, hot chicks, sex, TV
Monday, May 28, 2007
Alexyss K. Tylor is the greatest woman who ever lived
In the course of my internet wanderings, I found out about what may be the most awesome thing ever to grace Public Access cable. It's even more awesome than the Robyn Byrd Show here in Nueva York, which is basically free stripping and porn in the form of 900 number ads. Robyn Byrd, however, is busted, and most of the strippers she has on the show look like they're well past what should be a mandatory retirement age for those who make a professional living dropping trou. All the chicks have these hideous tit jobs that look like they had NFL regulation footballs shoved under their pectoral muscles, and the gay male strippers look like their noses have been exposed to one too many nitrate poppers. They had this chick in there the other night who looked like she was about 50, and who I seriously thought was a man until she showed her cooch. If she was an M2F tranny, she had a killer surgeon, but she should have had them touch up her face while she was in the O.R., because I cannot imagine wanting a lap dance from that hot mess. However, nasty strippers aside, I've always liked Robyn Byrd. In spite of her being hideously ugly, she's got a lot of spunk (no pun intended) and she's battled extensively for her right to show all sorts of titties, weiners, and trannies on Public Access, and I love bitches who give censorship the finger, take the prudish assholes to court, and win. Yay, free speech!
Anyway, I forgot all about any redeeming qualities Robyn Byrd might have to offer when the internets introduced me to Alexyss K. Tylor. This woman hosts a public access show in Atlanta, in which she preaches the gospel of "Vagina Power," and encourages women not to get "dickmatized" by men and their nefarious "penis power." A sample of a typical Alexyss K. Tylor kernel of wisdom:
In her most recent installment, Alexyss takes issue with the fact that she's received correspondence criticizing the way she talks. After a ten minute soliloquy about how she talks like a woman from Bankhead (like T.I.!) and how it's perfectly natural to use words like "dick" and "pussy" and "asshole," she contrasts herself with an educated professor at Spelman College who was caught exposing himself and presumably masturbating in front of another man in the bathroom at some regional airport, and asks who the REAL villain is. Is it her, for being uneducated and speaking in her snappy ghetto dialect, or is it this educated man who "is a professor by day and a dicksucker and a dick and nut puller-outer by night, or part-time." Furthermore, to up her respectability quotient, she decided to dress like a sexpert AND a commercial airline pilot. I can't even do real justice to Alexyss K. Tylor, so you just have to watch her in action. This YouTube is somewhat long, but it's worth every last hot second:
Seriously, this woman should be the fucking president. I LOVE HER.
Anyway, I forgot all about any redeeming qualities Robyn Byrd might have to offer when the internets introduced me to Alexyss K. Tylor. This woman hosts a public access show in Atlanta, in which she preaches the gospel of "Vagina Power," and encourages women not to get "dickmatized" by men and their nefarious "penis power." A sample of a typical Alexyss K. Tylor kernel of wisdom:
"We're hooked on the Penis Power and this man won't even buy you some shrimp from Long John Silver and that plate's what, $2.99? But he can give you a mouth full of sperm and a rectum full of sperm. We have to see what our issue is, because a man like that does not respect a woman."AMEN, sister! You said it. I've been hooked on this type of Penis Power myself on occasion, and it's just a shame I didn't know about Alexyss K. Tylor then to cure my dickmatization. The Vagina Power movement is spreading, because on Friday I was out with KatieScarlett and BloodyTosser, and we spent a good 45 minutes discussing Alexyss K. Tylor. She may be the greatest feminist mind who ever walked planet Earth.
In her most recent installment, Alexyss takes issue with the fact that she's received correspondence criticizing the way she talks. After a ten minute soliloquy about how she talks like a woman from Bankhead (like T.I.!) and how it's perfectly natural to use words like "dick" and "pussy" and "asshole," she contrasts herself with an educated professor at Spelman College who was caught exposing himself and presumably masturbating in front of another man in the bathroom at some regional airport, and asks who the REAL villain is. Is it her, for being uneducated and speaking in her snappy ghetto dialect, or is it this educated man who "is a professor by day and a dicksucker and a dick and nut puller-outer by night, or part-time." Furthermore, to up her respectability quotient, she decided to dress like a sexpert AND a commercial airline pilot. I can't even do real justice to Alexyss K. Tylor, so you just have to watch her in action. This YouTube is somewhat long, but it's worth every last hot second:
"I don't know if he wants them nuts in his butts, or if he wants them balls in his jaws, but he starts BEGGIN' the man, PLEASE give him some dick and nuts."
Seriously, this woman should be the fucking president. I LOVE HER.
Labels: Alexyss K Tylor, free fucking speech, hot chicks, I LOVE IT, perversion, sex, weiners
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