Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Daily Douchebag: The Biggest Losers
Name: every contestant, trainer, doctor, and host (Caroline Rhea and/or Sami from "Days of Our Lives") on NBC's "The Biggest Loser"
DOB: various
Occupation: bitching about being fat
Hometown: Anytown, USA
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: I never watch this show because I caught an episode of it a couple years ago and my head almost exploded due to the large quantity of whining fat people. Oh, boo hoo, the treadmill is hard! Oh, waaaah, I don't want to eat steamed broccoli. Well, asshole, you should have thought about that before you let your weight balloon over the 300 lb mark. Watching this show made my blood pressure dangerously high, so I never watched it again. In fact, when this was on yesterday, I had just gotten home semi-drunk from having after-work drinks with SisterChristian, and rather than watch people diet, I watched Anthony Bourdain making snide jokes and stuffing his face with water buffalo curry in Chiang Mai, Thailand.
Last night, probably because "American Gangster" or a Taylor Swift video wasn't on, HotLawyer apparently decided to sit down in front of his idiot box back in Tacompton and make the same mistake I had a couple years back. I saw this morning when I work up that he sent me a text that read: "I have determined that everyone on Biggest Loser is a really big loser." Truth!
"The Biggest Loser" is a show that allows all the lazy fat people sitting on their fucking couches to feel like they're doing something about being fat, because they are watching a show about other fat people losing weight. While it claims to be a show that will "inspire" the lardasses at home to get off their fat asses and try to lose weight themselves, I guarantee that the viewers at home are much more interested in watching the contestants battle their morbid obesity from a sedentary position, probably with tubs of ice cream on their laps. This show creates more fat people than it destroys.
Also, HotLawyer is right when he says that all the contestants are losers. The transgendered-looking staff of trainers (especially Jillian--she definitely has a Y chromosome) always has to go to ridiculous lengths to motivate most of these dipshits. They will put them on an elliptical machine for all of five minutes before the average "Biggest Loser" contestant is hyperventilating and begging to quit. And the complaints they make ad nauseum about exercise are NOTHING compared to the complaints about their diet, which basically consists solely of steamed vegetables. Without fail, some dumb bitch is eating brownies on the sly by the end of the first episode, precipitating a lot of lame discussions with the trainers and staff about trust and impulse control. Then the fat chick freaks and is obstinate about how she deserves brownies because of some sad story in her past, the therapists come in to counsel her on how brownies are the crutch she relies upon to get over her childhood trauma (always a variation on having low self-esteem due to being made fun of for being fat), and the viewer is left wanting to throw their TV out the window, preferably onto the nearest passing fat person. Did you think that losing 150 pounds was going to be as easy as hitting the Taco Bell drive through? Quit your bitching and eat your fucking spinach.
Probably the worst part of "The Biggest Loser," though, comes when they all weigh in at the end of the show. These are not people who should be in sports bras and running shorts for ANY reason, yet there they are, clambering up onto the fancy scale with all their spare flesh spilling out for the world to see. The only good I can see coming out of such a frightening display of fat half-naked people on national television is that presumably it causes the aforementioned fat people (along with everyone else) to lose their appetites, thus augmenting their diets. It is an appalling 15 minutes of television. There is a reason why fat people wear baggy t-shirts and mumus at the beach, and that reason is the weigh-in scene on the "Biggest Loser." If I wanted to be grossed out, I would just watch one of those medical anomaly shows about birth defects or weird vascular face tumors on TLC.
I guess I can't get too worked up, though, because "The Biggest Loser" exists merely as the yang to the yin of one of NBC's few triumphs (besides "To Catch a Predator"): the revival of "American Gladiators." I watched that Sunday and, with the exception of me getting annoyed by Hulk Hogan's "brother"-laden commentary, it was just as awesome as I remember it being when I was a kid.
My favorite gladiators so far are Helga and Titan, Helga because bitch is a hot piece of fierce faux-Teutonic rage (plus she gives some serious porn star face) and Titan because he looks like the bastard child of a Ken doll and the guy who played RoboCop, and I love RoboCop. Man, that movie kicked ass. Even more ass than Titan kicks on the regular during the "Pyramid."
I guess "American Gladiators" ass-stomping dominance had to be kept in check by something as unimaginably lame as "The Biggest Loser." It would be nice if NBC could find some sort of happy medium, like a crossover special in which the American Gladiators just run roughshod over all the contestants on the "Biggest Loser." I bet they wouldn't whine to the Gladiators like they do to their trainers. Even if they did, the Gladiators would just make awesome growly faces and beat the shit out of them with their infamous giant Q-tips anyway. I am practically pissing myself with excitement about the idea of Helga and Titan knocking all those fat fucks into a pool with some 100-pound swinging medicine balls. NBC needs to get right on that.
Labels: American Gladiators, Daily Douchebag, exercise drama, fat fucks, gluttony, HotLawyer, TV
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