Tuesday, June 24, 2008
OS X is a fucking pussy
I should rename this website "HatingOnApple Blog" after this week. I thought that between my rants about Coldplay, the Apple Store, and the Genius Bar and TAFKAMA's indictment of the entire brand, the topic of anti-Apple sentiments had been thoroughly explored. However, today while rejoicing in the return of my computer and simultaneously Gchatting with LL Cool Jew, I remembered one other thing I totally despise about being a Mac user.
LL Cool Jew: is it [my freshly repaired computer] working yet?I'm hardly surprised that the Mac marketers in charge of selling new versions of OS X are cat people. I hate cats, and I distrust the motives of people who prefer cats over dogs. Dogs are a species of animal that overflows with loyalty, love, and usefulness, while cats don't give a shit about humans and would probably eat their owners if they could. Choosing cats over dogs signifies a major personality flaw to me. So once again, even though I have my computer back and am happy with its freshly functioning brand new hard drive and keyboard with a working "control" and "øptíön" key, I have to express my stern disapproval for the way those assholes do things in Cupertino. Stupid cat-named operating system-running Macs!
Razzy: yes precious!
Razzy: thank god
Razzy: but i can't transfer my stewpid files
LL Cool Jew: woohoo!
Razzy: from my backup thang
LL Cool Jew: you techie
Razzy: because the "Tiger" OS X that I have now has a stupid inept "Migration Asst"
Razzy: before i used the "Leopard" OS X
LL Cool Jew: tiger
LL Cool Jew: leopard?
Razzy: but i can't install that trash until my PI [boss] gets back from vacation
LL Cool Jew: what is this, kung fu panda?
Razzy: dude another thing to hate about apple
Razzy: they name their various versions of OS X after large jungle catsRazzy: OS 10.1 is "cheetah" or "puma"
Razzy: OS 10.2 is "jaguar"
Razzy: OS 10.3 is "panther"
Razzy: OS 10.4 is "tiger"
Razzy: OS 10.5 is "leopard"
LL Cool Jew: wiggity wack
LL Cool Jew: could they just make One that works?
Razzy: and OS 10.6 is gonna be "snow leopard"
Razzy: SERIOUSLY
LL Cool Jew: i hate how they come out with a better thing every year
Razzy: actually OS X works fine
LL Cool Jew: you can never have teh coolest gadget
Razzy: but this computer is built out of fucking recycled 6-pack rings
Razzy: luckily, my PI is a big Mac ho
Razzy: so i get all the updates without paying
Razzy: but the whole feline theme is definitely another "check minus" against Apple
LL Cool Jew: they should name them after doggers! :)
LL Cool Jew: 10.3 the pugRazzy: YES! CHONGAY!
LL Cool Jew: 10.7 the lhasa apso
LL Cool Jew: 10.8 the dingo
Razzy: although 10.3 would be the laziest operating system ever
LL Cool Jew: 10.9 THE D [the D=LL Cool Jew's perpetually terrified longhaired Chihuahua]Razzy: and THAT would offer NO protection against viruses and spyware
Razzy: and the computer would urinate on you when it crashes
LL Cool Jew: ooooooo
Razzy: that e-mail was RELLAY scaray
LL Cool Jew: the d would be the kewtest operating system ever.
Labels: Apple sucks, CHONGAY CHONG, computer incompetence, doggity style, LL Cool Jew, the D
Monday, June 23, 2008
Still waiting
According to Apple's service center, my computer is fixed and return is "pending." However, I still don't have my precious computer back in my hot little hands because those so-called Geniuses at Apple are apparently too good to give me a UPS tracking number that will allow me to stalk it en route, so I'm not sure if I'll get to writing the "Daily Dude I Want to Hit: U.S. Women's Gymnastics especially Nastia Liukin and Alicia Sacramone" post I told LL Cool Jew I'd cobble together last night during the Olympic trials.
In the meantime, you can see my new contributor TAFKAMA (that stands for "The Artist Formerly Known as Mullah AntoniHo") bitching about how stupid Apple is. The other day he Gchatted me to announce that "i want to be a contributor on your blog. i hate amy winehouse, she is a dirty cunt rag whore." I couldn't pass up the opportunity to have someone discussing that, since I feel the same way, so I hooked him up with author privileges. While he has yet to finish his post discussing Amy Winehouse's many transgressions, his ire was temporarily rerouted to Mac users in a post he finished this weekend. Go read it and leave him some comments. However, be warned: TAFKAMA is a total hater, so if he deems any of your comments to be stupid (which he probably will), rest assured that he will probably tell you so.
Hopefully I'll be installing OS X on my computer by tonight, and will return to my usual prolific level of output in the next couple days.
Labels: Apple sucks, excuses, TAFKAMA
Saturday, June 21, 2008
(TAFKAMA's) Daily Douchebag: Apple / Mac computer users
Name: Razzy, Tom Hanks, Madonna, Jeff Goldblum, Tim Allen, John Tesh, Bono, Courtney Love...
DOB: Various
Occupation: (Singing the praises of) and (ruing the day they ever decided to purchase) their overpriced impossible to repair computer
Hometown: All sorts
Current residence: Probably in line with Razzy at the Genius Bar store or their local equivalent
Put down your NPR coffee mug (and your crack pipe) and come to your senses! While PCs may glitch out from time to time, the entire business world has somehow decided that PCs are the computer of choice due to the initial cost savings, ease of repair, and ability to customize the machine to suit the exact needs of the end user. Razzy's recent computer woes are proof positive that unless you want to wade through a bureaucracy more convoluted than the North Korean government you are far better off with a boring old PC. While they may not be as aerodynamic and come with far fewer celebrity endorsements, I have never had to ship my PC across the country to have it repaired nor have I been forced to go to an approved Mac repair facility in lieu of choosing from one of the numerous repair shops that are far closer to my home. Have fun driving 30 miles to the only Mac store in your county and standing in line with the squadrons of graphic designer wannabes!
You know the Mac commercials with the PC nerd and the Mac hipster standing side by side? The commercial that they should make would show PC and Mac after a night of hard partying. PC wakes up with a slight hangover and is still able to make it through the work day while Mac has a PCP fueled nervous breakdown and has to fly to the Betty Ford clinic for a week to get his shit back together.
Apple should hedge its bets and stick to the iPod and iPhone. Leave the serious business to the PC manufacturers and the legions of geeks that have made the PC the alpha and the omega of the modern computer age. There is no feasible reason for someone to purchase a Mac computer (unless of course you consider having a two thousand dollar 8 1/2" x 11" paper weight a valid reason). Wake up people! Just say no to Mac.
Labels: Apple sucks, computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, TAFKAMA
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Blame the Geniuses
So this morning you probably went to RAZZY.org looking for your usual fix of useless bullshit, and were shocked and dismayed to find a whole lot of NOTHING NEW. Why, you ask? Because I was at the so-called Genius Bar getting my MacBook fixed. Actually, I wasn't so much getting it "fixed" as I was getting it sent off somewhere for fixing. The good news is that the problem is under warranty, so it's free. The bad news is that it's going to take 5-7 business days, so expect the communiqués from me to be sparse until next week.
Luckily, I managed to avoid murdering anyone inside the Apple store, which is quite an accomplishment considering the very building itself pissed me off:
Not only did its super trendy design give me the impression of descending into the bowels of a giant iMac, but this place is apparently a fucking TOURIST ATTRACTION judging by the number of fanny pack-sporting Midwesterners oohing and aahing and photographing the various displays of iPods and iPhones and other assorted iBullshit. The store was also blasting Radiohead at full volume and inundating me with images of various Apple crap. I seriously felt like I had walked into Recall, and was about to get false memories implanted of being a secret agent married to Sharon Stone wreaking havoc with the evil dictatorship on Mars. The only thing that kept me from going on a murderous rampage was the fact that mercifully, the Apple Store DJ didn't spin any Coldplay jams.
My "genius" was also very friendly and helpful, and he was more of a regular nerd than a hipster Mac nerd, so I didn't hate him. In fact, he made some lame joke that I didn't quite catch, and when I laughed to be polite, he responded, "I see you've read Dune!"
Uhhh...he just made a joke about Dune? I haven't read that book since high school, but I vaguely remember the cheesetastic David Lynch movie. I seem to remember something about some rival feudal lords in space trying to corner the intergalactic spice market, and the main character was some kind of Messianic figure to the desert dwellers, and they rode around everywhere on these worms that were apparently the forbears of the monsters in Tremors, but that's about it.
"Oh, yeah, Dune ruled," I said, hoping that a closed-ended agreement to his Dune-worship would prompt him to start telling me about how he was going to instantly fix my MacBook. It just kept him going about Dune, though. He asked if I'd seen the miniseries (I said, "No, the only thing I watch on SciFi is--ahem--'Battlestar Galactica,'") informed me that a new version of it was being made currently, and he was adapting yet ANOTHER screenplay in his spare time since he felt that the previous efforts weren't faithful enough to Frank Herbert's masterful vision. In spite of all the annoying stories about minutiae involved in various retellings of Dune, I was relieved to have just a normal, sweet, garden-variety nerd handling my MacBook issues than some sort of Justin Long-esque Applephile yammering about the superiority of OS X. The whole process only took about 30 minutes, my blood pressure and overall rage level was considerably less than I thought I was going to be, and I didn't even have to use my (imaginary) AK. Overall, I have to say it was a good day at the Genius Bar.
Anyway, because of the primitive MacBook-free existence I have to live for the next few days, I have to humbly request your patience with me. I'll post a little hither and thither but the copious amounts of Razzification that you have come to depend upon like one of the desert people from Dune requires spice will be lacking until my baby comes back to me with a new hard drive and keyboard. Patience, my love. The precious will soon return. In the meantime, blame the Geniuses for not being smart enough to fix my MacBook on the fucking spot.
Labels: Apple sucks, computer incompetence, excuses, nerd alert
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Daily Douchebag: FUCKING APPLE COMPUTERS!
DOB: April 1, 1976
Occupation: pissing me off and interrupting my all-important constantly available MacBook routine
Hometown: Cupertino, California
Current residence: soon to be the goddamned motherfucking piece of shit "Genius Bar"
Douchebaggery: Today the day has arrived in which I must swap in the broken hard drive that came with my computer for the rapidly disintegrating hard drive that my PI installed before I realized I had a 1 year hardware warranty, so that the warranty will be valid and the pricks at the so-called "Genius Bar" will pop in a new one. Hopefully, they will fix my misbehaving "control" and "option" keys while they are at it, so that I can just reinstall Leopard and get back to having a normal, healthy MacBook that I can take with me everywhere I go. Therefore, be warned: I hope that this is something they can fix on site at the Apple store, but I know the possibility exists that they may ship my Mac off to some nerd sweatshop for its recuperation. If I don't post tomorrow, it's probably because my computer is off at the Cylon Resurrection Ship getting worked on. Yes, I just made a BSG reference, and no I'm not embarrassed anymore that I watch "Battlestar Galactica," even if it IS a show about the robot-battling Olympian god-worshiping Latter Day Saints. If Apple can call their tech support a "Genius Bar," then I can admit to liking my show about space Mormons. Edward James Olmos, Xena: Warrior Princess, Noah Hunter's roofie-slipping brother Josh from "90210," and Stands With a Fist from Dances with Wolves are in it, there's a one-eyed guy who looks like John McCain, the special effects are cheesetastically crappy, and it frakking rules. ANYWAY!
I'm extremely pissed that after owning this thing for less than a year, its components have given me so much fucking trouble, and although I really, REALLY like it when it's working, I've discussed at length how much I loathe the term "Genius Bar." In spite of the fact that I'm expecting to see a bunch of pompous, Converse-wearing, asymmetrical hair-having, non-genius, Justin Long-looking douchebags prepared to condescend to me at the Genius Bar, everyone I know with a Mac has said that they are "always very nice" and "extremely helpful." However, one of those positive reviews came from someone I totally hate and despise, so I'm still skeptical that I won't spend my entire time there doing meditational deep breathing to prevent myself from opening a Costco-sized can of supercunt on the geek chic fucktards scrutinizing my MacBook. It also has not escaped my notice that nearly everyone I know with a Mac in their possession has suffered a trip to the Genius Bar at least once. FalloniusMonk even advised me that the fact that my computer is still under warranty means I get to skip to the front of the line for service, knowledge suggesting that hers broke too during it's inaugural year of life. Since those arrogant "I'm an asshole who manages to be patronizing and self-deprecating at the same time, I'm a Mac!" commercials lead me to believe that Macs never, ever break down and equally infuriating Mac snobs are always crowing about the "stability" and "security" of these computers, it pisses me off that in reality these things have the mechanical stamina of a fucking Geo Prism. Everyone has to take it into the repair shop sooner or later.
As if Apple couldn't piss me off more with all their trappings of false superiority, I opened up my internets browser and saw this as the "Featured Content" on Apple's home page (yes, I'm too lazy to change Safari's default settings for home page selection):
Jesus Christ, Apple, why didn't you also feature the complete third season of "Grey's Anatomy" to complete the Holy Trinity of entertainment that I hate? I've written not one but two SEPARATE posts about how much I hate Fool's Gold, a movie that I haven't even seen, and simply anticipating catching a solitary note of Chris Martin's cloying falsetto makes me want to pull a Van Gogh with BOTH ears. I don't even have to hear him sing; all I need to do is see him shuffling around in some gay-ass collarless waistcoat getting ready to SUCK MAJORLY. I swear that "Vida La Vida" and "Clocks" bump loudly on eternal repeat in my own personal hell. I know that Apple sweats Coldplay's insufferable ass in a major way and I loathe their marketing department's taste, but Tha Carter Vol. III has been selling well too! Weezy F Baby should be up there, bemusedly looking as fucked up on blunts and purple drank as he constantly is, not fucking Coldplay!
I'm pretty sure that Apple has a secret agenda to string me along with the tempting promises a working MacBook offers, only to destroy me with their shoddy equipment and infuriating marketing schemes. I feel like Persephone: the pomegranate tastes great, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck sucking Hades's cock in the fucking underworld! My MacBook better be fixed and it better mean that I get to return to the land of the living AKA a place where my computer does whatever I want it to whenever I want it to with no grinding noises or need to reinstall bitch-ass Leopard.
Labels: Apple sucks, computer incompetence, ranting
Friday, June 13, 2008
Stand by
We are experiencing technical difficulties here at RAZZY.org because my Goddamned piece of shit motherfucking asshole of a MacBook is fucked up again. Last night it went on the fritz and I've spent a good part of the past twelve hours pulling my hair out in frustration and trying to fix it. I have failed in my attempts, so now it's time for my PI--AKA my own personal Apple Genius Bar--to tackle it. I may have to reinstall Leopard YET AGAIN and spend the entire day transferring my backed up files and reinstalling all my critical software pieces, like Office and Photoshop and the like.
So, sorry you guys, I most likely won't be blogging today. You can go ahead and commence the wailing, rending of garments, and gnashing of teeth.
Labels: Apple sucks, computer incompetence, excuses
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
