Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Jesus would approve
My friend, Razzyphile, and fellow blogger Gayman e-mailed me the other day asking if I'd ever heard of the website bigchurch.com. I had not, because--and I know you will all be filled with disbelief at this revelation--I'm not trying to score honeys on the fundamentalist Christian dating circuit.
Hard as it may be to believe, I did not meet the mystery guy I like on bigchurch.com. It would be amazing if I had, since he's not even Christian. Furthermore, I suspect that bigchurch.com's members don't "share the same spiritual beliefs" as myself, unless it's opposite day and their spiritual beliefs include a deep devotion to alcohol consumption, hitting it with girls on the side, and daily masturbation. "Christian" sounds to me like "not Catholic" and especially "not a bad, sinful, depraved ex-Catholic schoolgirl bisexual slut machine a la yours truly." I'm not trying to meet a cheesy Richard Marx-meets-Jason Priestley type such as the Bible boy above, and even if I were, I'd probably go try to find him at an actual church rather than bigchurch.com.
Gayman did not, however, send me this link in the hopes that my prayers of finding a respectable man would be answered. Rather, he did a bit of research into bigchurch.org, and discovered that it's owned by an unlikely media empire:
I wonder how all those devout Christians on bigchurch.com would feel knowing that their dating website is owned by one of the world's most infamous porn empires. I'm pretty sure that even if the folks seeking pious future spouses on bigchurch.com don't approve of or consider Penthouse's content congruous with their spiritual beliefs, Jesus would be down. He was always partying with hookers, tax collectors, lepers, and the other sinful freaks of greater Galilee and Judea, so I imagine he'd be just fine with pornographers diversifying their brands to grab some market share in the world of online Christian dating. Okay, maybe it's not exactly what Jesus would do himself, but I bet he's cool with it.
I wonder how all those devout Christians on bigchurch.com would feel knowing that their dating website is owned by one of the world's most infamous porn empires. I'm pretty sure that even if the folks seeking pious future spouses on bigchurch.com don't approve of or consider Penthouse's content congruous with their spiritual beliefs, Jesus would be down. He was always partying with hookers, tax collectors, lepers, and the other sinful freaks of greater Galilee and Judea, so I imagine he'd be just fine with pornographers diversifying their brands to grab some market share in the world of online Christian dating. Okay, maybe it's not exactly what Jesus would do himself, but I bet he's cool with it.
And since my Aunt Jesus is in the market for a sanctimonious scripture-spouting boyfriend, maybe I should pass along the link to bigchurch.com to her. Then at her wedding reception, I'll give a totally inappropriate impromptu speech thanking Penthouse AND God for bringing them together. Man, that would be so awesome.
Labels: Aunt Jesus, capitalism, correspondence, Dear God, internet domination, porn, Razzyphiles
Friday, May 02, 2008
Praying for expulsion from the 700 Club
I don't recall ever signing up for bulletins from the Christian Broadcasting Network, but nonetheless, I received this piece of choice correspondence in my Gmail inbox the other day:
If I did sign up to be considered among the CBN's "partners," I must have been really, really, REALLY drunk. Usually the 700 Club doesn't jive with my Roman popery very well (they don't like the idolatry of the Virgin and saints, our seven sacraments, our pervasive guilt, or our consequent alcoholism and/or sluttery), so I can't imagine I'd reach out to them asking for occasional solicitations. I don't even listen to my own church leader, the infinitely creepy Pope Benedixteen, so I can't imagine I would feel a need to hit up Pat Robertson. I wonder if my Aunt Jesus is behind this. Now that we're not speaking, it wouldn't surprise me if she resorted to signing me up for e-mail from the Reverend Pat Robertson as a roundabout way of reiterating that the ultimate destination of my immortal soul is HELL!
In spite of not being able to solve the mystery of how I wound up on this mailing list, I shrugged and figured I could always use an extra prayer or two. Why not let the fundamentalists' self-proclaimed hotline to Jesus work for me a little? So I clicked on the "Sexual Problems" link, since I figure that's where I can use the most help. Granted, my only "sexual problems" are desiring to have more sexual partners and not getting out of lab enough to find them, but I wouldn't complain if Jesus sent a few more hot lays my way. I mean, I have great tits, and I just got my hair highlighted, and I wear V-neck shirts with push-up bras, but a little extra divine assistance can't hurt in terms of racking up more conquests. Besides, I could do a good deed for society by chastising the more literal Bible crowd for hating on other people's sex lives and orientations. Jesus could help them out by alleviating their judgmental prudishness! So I sent this request, since it is, after all, "a privilege" to pray for me:
I would like you to pray for all the Christians in the world who can't accept that gays, lesbians, bisexuals (especially switch-hitting sluts like myself), and transgendered persons are part of God's great plan and creation, and that God loves them dearly. I pray that these homophobic bigots don't burn in hell, but rather receive Christ's infinite mercy.Also, in terms of sexual problems, the main one I have is not getting enough ("enough" would be classified as doubling up on the nightly). Please ask JC to send more honeys my way. He knows lots of prostitutes. It should be a piece of cake for him.
That ought to do it. Any day now, Fred Phelps will get out of the "God Hates Fags" business, gays will have equal civil rights as straights, and I'll be getting laid like a fucking porn star. Father-Son-Holy Spirit, Amen!
Labels: Aunt Jesus, Catholicism, correspondence, Dear God, sluts
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Lindsay Roberts
DOB: probably in the 40s or 50s; although according to her she was "born again" when Jesus healed her ovaries at age 25, thus allowing her to produce a trio of
Occupation: First Lady of Oral Roberts University, televangelist, implied pedophile
Hometown: ??--but I bet it's somewheres in the Bible belt
Current residence: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Douchebaggery: Mrs. Lindsay Roberts is the wife of Richard Roberts, a fiery evangelical and the president of Oral Roberts University. She has her own ministry, frequently appearing on TV to host a Jesus-centered morning show featuring prayer, praise, cooking, and (her description, not mine) "fun." And in spite of loving the lord CHEESE-sauce Chrast, she has a taste for the finer things.
Currently, she is being accused of using the university's money for her personal expenses. One of her favorite preaching points involves living a "stress-free" lifestyle, thanks to the power of Jesus. During her sermons, however, she never mentions that in addition to prayer and devotion to the Lord and Savior, it also helps to spend money that isn't yours on a jet to take your daughter to the Bahamas for her senior trip, a Lexus SUV, a red Mercedes convertible, new tile for your bathroom, a fancy new kitchen, a stable filled with fine Arabians for your children's exclusive use, a wardrobe filled with the latest in Bible belt chic, and scores of non-academic scholarships for your friends' kids. Nothing keeps the fire of the Holy Spirit burning bright within one's soul like flossing in a fresh-out-the-showroom luxury whip and a closet full of Chico's. (And what a surprise she shops at Chico's; this only validates my belief that hideous print silk blouses are the mainstay of the corrupt televangelist wife style). So Jesus may have run around wearing robes and sandals, but all he had to worry about was those cranky Pharisees talking shit about him. How is Lindsay supposed to lure underage boys into the Oral Roberts guest house without the latest in linen shoulder-padded blazers and, as my boyfriend 50 Cent would put it, more whips than a runaway slave?
Although the lawsuit Lindsay and her husband are currently facing doesn't make any sexual accusations, it does say that Lindsay's university-issued phone was blowing up with text messages to a bunch of underage dudes, who she would meet for sordid trysts in the guest house. This resulted in her phone bill regularly exceeding $800 per month. $800 worth of text messages! Somehow I don't think she racked up these bills texting boys between 1 and 3 a.m. by exchanging prayer petitions with them. When she wasn't getting her swerve on with Tulsa's finest young gentlemen via text, she was entertaining them with cigarettes and her considerable experience at putting the "oral" in Oral Roberts. And, of course, $39,000 worth of fuck-me floral pattern button-up rayon frocks from Chico's! (**CHICO'S!** I can't get over it.) I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus would have been doing if he weren't so busy healing lepers, driving out demons, feeding the multitudes, and being persecuted, scourged, and crucified to save the sins of the world. If he weren't so involved with rejecting Satan and rising from the fucking dead, then I'm sure he would have been banging teenagers and living large off the donations of the faithful too.
I love it when these super sanctimonious evangelical types get their comeuppance. These people all invoke the name of Jesus with every breath, and spend most of their time damning everyone outside their fold in his name (see: my Aunt Jesus), and it's just so satisfying to see that they are not only terrible at living Christ's message because they're great big hypocrites, but that they're far more sinful and depraved than the average person. Lindsay spends her mornings telling her telecongregation that Jesus sent AIDS to kill the fags, that mothers should die in childbirth rather than terminate a hopelessly fucked pregnancy, and that they should open their hearts and their wallets to God (specifically, God as worshipped by Oral Roberts University), and her nights acting as some brazen combination of Casanova and Mary Kay LeTourneau. She's like the female equivalent of that minister in Colorado who was caught buying meth and getting massaged by a gay hooker.
Anyway, I hope God watched "Larry King Live" last night, where the beleaguered Mrs. Roberts claimed to "live (her) life in a morally upright manner" and that the accusations "sicken (her) to the soul." Yeah, it sickens her to her soul...that she got caught and publicly called on it! Because it's mighty embarrassing to be screwing around with underage kids when you've appointed yourself a pillar of piety and an example for the morally righteous everywhere. Embarrassing, and deserved. But Mrs. Roberts shouldn't worry, because I'm sure there are a lot of people praying for her right now. I know I am.
Labels: assholes, Aunt Jesus, comeuppance, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, Dear God, perversion, sexual assault, sluts
Monday, August 13, 2007
Rosie, leave the FUCKING LESBIANS out of it!
God, Rosie O'Donnell needs to quit blogging almost as much as she needs to learn how to capitalize and spell pronouns and helping verbs. This is what she wrote about an incident over the weekend with a lesbian-hating biker guy outside the TGIFriday's where Rosie was stuffing her fat face with deep-fried green beans:
Ugly lesbians have been ruining it for the rest of us for years now. Making it worse is the fact that like their champion Rosie, these bitches overcompensate for their physical lack of appeal by being patronizing, outspoken fucktards. Combining stupidity, self-righteousness, and an exceptional drive to overcompensate is always a dangerous thing. Thanks to these hordes of unattractive, pretentious, fat, frumpily sacked, loudmouthed, toady, curmudgeonly lezbots, people almost always associate "lesbian" with trolls such as these:
I and probably the rest of the sensible world would much rather have it conjure up these images:
You know bitches like Rosie are seriously screwing things up when I think scenes from Showgirls are a preferable connotation. All the lesbians I know are fine-ass bitches, and have better things to do than let some tiny-dicked, overcompensating tool on a Harley goad them into a screaming match in a mall parking lot. Of course, there's no reason why any self-respecting same-sex loving lady shouldn't get pissed when a homophobic loser is dim-witted enough to think that disparaging a person's sexual orientation is an acceptable retort, but in Rosie's case, she asked for it. Bitch says she's a lesbian more than she says she's a mother or a comedian or an actress or a talk-show host or a woman. I don't think anyone needs to "cower, to fall 2 r knees, ashamed" in the face of an irate and unbalanced motherfucker slinging petty insults, but Rosie should hardly be surprised this asshole brought it up. Her name is becoming synonymous with lesbian, so she need look no further than her own constant harping on the topic to determine why this moron with the motorcycle went there. And given her atrocious conduct in general, it's understandable why this moron thought "lesbian" could be used as a disparaging term.
Rosie needs to just sit down before she does permanent damage to the lesbian community. Her obnoxious qualities have nothing to do with her being a lesbian, but she seems bound and determined to inextricably link them, and I'm tired of it. Hollywood needs to anoint a new prominent lesbian and start ignoring everything Rosie says and does. I can think of a few candidates who would be far better for giving women-loving women the awesome reputation we deserve (yes, I'm including bisexual bitches like myself in that...we count too).
Portia De Rossi is way hot, and she was on "Arrested Development," which was a funny show. She also seems sane and smart, and I think is generally a great example for admirable qualities to associate with lesbians.
Briana Banks may only be bisexual due to her profession, but she also seems sane and certainly can teach some bitches a thing or two about licking snatch. Her love for Jenna is also well-known. Okay, I admit a porn star probably isn't the greatest representative in terms of giving the girlie gays some credibility, but I think Briana Banks should be the damn president of the world and I'm always looking for an excuse to give her a shout-out.
Michelle Rodriguez may be a self-loathing drunk, but her girlfriend Kristanna Loken is pretty hot, and they look pretty sexy swordfighting in their Xena fetish wear. They'd do, if Michelle would ever get over herself, quit driving after a few Mojitos at the LA equivalent of Henrietta Hudson's, and come out, already.
She might look a little scary sometimes, but Suze Orman is not only a proud lesbian, she's a financially responsible one, as well. She shows the world that not only are lesbians cheerful, they can make shrewd investments, get out of debt, and plan one hell of an estate.
Christ, even Miss Cleo the fradulent Ja-Fake-An TV psychic would be better than Rosie. At least Miss Cleo's sales pitches are entertaining. The cards never lie!
Rosie needs to GO AWAY and quit dropping the L word, because she's setting acceptance of lesbians back by decades every time it issues forth from her mouth. People like my crazy Aunt Jesus see Rosie spout off at the mouth and instantly get that much more ammunition for their retarded "Gods Hates Fags" prayer meetings. When she lets an altercation with an unstable person who isn't even remotely worth it escalate into a screaming match about her sexual orientation, or trashes Kelli Ripa for covering Clay (In the Closet) Aiken's mouth, or accusing "heteros" of being backstabbing bitches while on a concert tour promoting friendship between people of all genders and gender preferences all under her ubiquitous "I'm a LESBIAN" rubric, you can almost hear the rest of the world's lezzies lift their faces out of their girlfriends' twats and collectively groan. It's time for Rosie to sit the fuck down on her whopping ass, plug that gaping, hemorrhaging cakehole of hers with a rack of Chili's babyback ribs, and hand over the "I'm a lesbian" reins to someone more worthy. No more ugly bitch bloetry!
alongSHUT UP, ROSIE! You embarrass all of us who like some hot girl-on-girl action by belaboring this point. We all know you're a big old dyke, but you play "the trump card" just as much as all those men you seemingly despise. These idiot-hetero-is-picking-on-me-cause-I'm-a-big-hippo-ass-dyke are the main anecdotes you usually decide to share in your barely readable bloetry (blog + poetry=blows, hence "bloetry"...get it?), and I for one am sick of having your bloated, busted ass spring to mind every time I think "lesbian."
came a bald screaming infuriated man
it's always a man
i tell ya …
as i buckled my belt
he ran towards r car
angry
"MY MOTORCYCLE BLAH BLAH !!!"
"chill dude -
we didn't touch it"
he got madder
pupils big - snorting like a dragon
FUCK LESBIANS
he screamed
the trump card
always
and we r supposed to cower
to fall 2 r knees ashamed
not good enough
unworthy
not tonight
mr bald muscle man
with a pimped out hog
not tonight
i stood up in the front seat
hands above my head
smiled and yelled
CORRECT SIR - FUCKING LESBIAN!!!
he stormed back to his table
right there in the lincoln mall
Ugly lesbians have been ruining it for the rest of us for years now. Making it worse is the fact that like their champion Rosie, these bitches overcompensate for their physical lack of appeal by being patronizing, outspoken fucktards. Combining stupidity, self-righteousness, and an exceptional drive to overcompensate is always a dangerous thing. Thanks to these hordes of unattractive, pretentious, fat, frumpily sacked, loudmouthed, toady, curmudgeonly lezbots, people almost always associate "lesbian" with trolls such as these:
I and probably the rest of the sensible world would much rather have it conjure up these images:
Rosie needs to just sit down before she does permanent damage to the lesbian community. Her obnoxious qualities have nothing to do with her being a lesbian, but she seems bound and determined to inextricably link them, and I'm tired of it. Hollywood needs to anoint a new prominent lesbian and start ignoring everything Rosie says and does. I can think of a few candidates who would be far better for giving women-loving women the awesome reputation we deserve (yes, I'm including bisexual bitches like myself in that...we count too).
Portia De Rossi is way hot, and she was on "Arrested Development," which was a funny show. She also seems sane and smart, and I think is generally a great example for admirable qualities to associate with lesbians.
Briana Banks may only be bisexual due to her profession, but she also seems sane and certainly can teach some bitches a thing or two about licking snatch. Her love for Jenna is also well-known. Okay, I admit a porn star probably isn't the greatest representative in terms of giving the girlie gays some credibility, but I think Briana Banks should be the damn president of the world and I'm always looking for an excuse to give her a shout-out.
Michelle Rodriguez may be a self-loathing drunk, but her girlfriend Kristanna Loken is pretty hot, and they look pretty sexy swordfighting in their Xena fetish wear. They'd do, if Michelle would ever get over herself, quit driving after a few Mojitos at the LA equivalent of Henrietta Hudson's, and come out, already.
She might look a little scary sometimes, but Suze Orman is not only a proud lesbian, she's a financially responsible one, as well. She shows the world that not only are lesbians cheerful, they can make shrewd investments, get out of debt, and plan one hell of an estate.
Christ, even Miss Cleo the fradulent Ja-Fake-An TV psychic would be better than Rosie. At least Miss Cleo's sales pitches are entertaining. The cards never lie!
Rosie needs to GO AWAY and quit dropping the L word, because she's setting acceptance of lesbians back by decades every time it issues forth from her mouth. People like my crazy Aunt Jesus see Rosie spout off at the mouth and instantly get that much more ammunition for their retarded "Gods Hates Fags" prayer meetings. When she lets an altercation with an unstable person who isn't even remotely worth it escalate into a screaming match about her sexual orientation, or trashes Kelli Ripa for covering Clay (In the Closet) Aiken's mouth, or accusing "heteros" of being backstabbing bitches while on a concert tour promoting friendship between people of all genders and gender preferences all under her ubiquitous "I'm a LESBIAN" rubric, you can almost hear the rest of the world's lezzies lift their faces out of their girlfriends' twats and collectively groan. It's time for Rosie to sit the fuck down on her whopping ass, plug that gaping, hemorrhaging cakehole of hers with a rack of Chili's babyback ribs, and hand over the "I'm a lesbian" reins to someone more worthy. No more ugly bitch bloetry!
Labels: assholes, Aunt Jesus, fat fucks, lezbollah, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, stank vaginas, you're ugly
Sunday, August 05, 2007
You want offensive? I'll show you offensive.
I really can't stand so-called Christians who spend a lot more of their time judging people than turning the other cheek, letting the one without sin throw the first stone, treating others as you would like to be treated yourself, or otherwise following tips straight from Jesus Christ himself about how to do right in the eyes of God. There is nothing righteous about speaking for God with regard to who is and isn't going to hell, suggesting that God hates fags or anyone else, or blowing up abortion clinics, but to hear these people talk, they act like they have some kind of hotline to heaven and are personally taking orders from the big fella upstairs. I also think that picking and choosing scripture passages verbatim to suit one's needs and then arguing that everything in a four-thousand year old mythological text is entirely unimpeachable is just plain moronic. The dudes who wrote the fucking Bible had no idea how the world would change, and I don't think that God would disapprove of trying to read deeper than the actual words (which vary anyway depending on the translation) by a studious person trying to discern deeper truths about their faith. However, there are plenty of Christians who would probably think that an out-of-context passage from Leviticus is sufficient for winning an argument (ie: my Aunt Jesus), and whenever some of their propaganda crosses my path, it galls me to no end.
Case in point: while doing some e-dicking around on the internets today, I stumbled upon LiveOffensively.com, a Christian youth ministry whose mission is to "discover, inspire and equip students to Live Offensively for God in their schools, churches and communities." Their mission statements also contain a lot of pseudo-militaristic rhetoric about building armies of highschoolers to engage "the MTV culture", being effective "soldiers in the midst of a great spiritual war," and combating the "evil prince of this world." Basically, they want to encourage Creed-loving teens to act like sanctimonious assholes at their public schools so they can get some press.
To assist these teenaged Bible thumpers in their quest to annoy and alienate as many people as possible with their holier-than-thou attitude, they are trying to equip them with a variety of t-shirts sold for $16 a pop. Here are some of the issues addressed by the Tee Offensive:
Abortion
With regard to their "bold message," they support their position with a somewhat fact-based argument: "We view abortion as America’s hidden holocaust and we want to voice our opinion about it. Those who want abortion to be legal want to silence our voice but we will not be silenced. The killing of small innocent children by dismemberment and burning is an extremely mean act. Our shirts state that simple and yet profound fact."
Oh, I see... it's a FACT that abortion is mean, selfish, potentially criminal, and worse than 9/11. I'd bet all the recently not-aborted fetuses hearted by South Dakota that these assholes think they can win any argument with such obviously unbiased "facts," at least in places with crappy schools that don't teach the difference between fact and opinion. If those two homos sharing some man-love in their extremely factual t-shirts above are so sure they've got the whole "facts are on our side" thing down, how about they come out of the fucking closet? Actually, that brings me to the next topic.
Fags, dykes, trannies, and everything in between (presumably that includes those who are bi-slutty like myself)
I almost prefer the "Jesus Hates Fags" crowd than this preachy, condescending bullshit. At least the divinity name-dropping homo-stompers are straightforward about their agenda. I hate this wishy-washy "We love you even though you're a bad, wrong, despicable, hell-bound, depraved, perverted, defiled, horrible sinner." You know they will send anyone down with the same sex action straight to one of those places that "rehabilitates" gay people, like they're addicts, criminals, or dogs that need to be retrained. I also believe that Jesus is compassionate, and in being so, he would be kind enough to NOT IMPLY THAT PEOPLE WHO WERE BORN GAY ARE SICK FREAKS WHO SHOULD BE PITIED AND REHABBED! Fuck your patronizing "compassion."
Abstinence
For starters, if you were really loving your husband without having met him, you'd at least learn to give a decent blow job before you do. They might skip this during meetings in the LiveOffensively.com war room, but dudes love them some fellatio, so unless you marry a fellow virgin who doesn't know what he's missing, it can't hurt to get yourself some fucking practice before you do. When you get older, you'll be competing for men alongside women like myself, whose dicksucking techniques have been described as replete with "flair." Besides, depending on who you ask (silver fox President William Jefferson Clinton, for one), giving head isn't even really sex. I knew quite a few girls in Catholic school who certainly subscribed to the whole theory that only the vagina was off limits in terms of sin, but that your mouth and asshole was open for business in the eyes of God. On the other hand, it's not like these girls have to worry about the fellas beating down their doors for some Satan-approved premarital sex, since all the female "warriors" on the site look like this:
These fugly bitches would be lucky to even get noticed by the fat, pimpled sweathogs that Chris Hansen routinely busts on "To Catch a Predator." No wonder they've turned to Jesus; he's probably the only man they can get. They're lucky that he loves everyone unconditionally, because from what the Bible tells me about his personal tastes, he liked freaky prostitute bitches, not pious BBWs with obnoxious t-shirts strapping in their fat rolls.
Since these twats are uglier than the sins they are so intent on fighting, they surely don't need to wear shirts frightening people with moralistic, poorly constructed ("I'd rather be prude") veiled threats about HPV, especially shit that isn't even really true. Yes, one in four sexually active bitches has HPV in high school, and the numbers jump to 80-90% in adulthood, but very few HPV strains actually cause genital warts. And any bitch with a TV can tell you at this point that HPV's a virus that causes cervical cancer from those ubiquitous "A virus...that causes CANCER?! NO WAY! I'm telling everyone I know!" thanks to the Gardasil marketing team. As a virologist, I can add that having cell cycle and tumor suppressor functions abrogated by viral proteins wreaking havoc on the Ras signaling pathway and ubiquitinating p53 are much worse than a wart that you can just get frozen off your cooch. If you're going to bring viruses into your self-assured t-shirts, then make sure you do your fucking homework so that you can have all that wisdom and integrity that abstinence supposedly brings.
Evolution
There's a theory suggesting that life arose from hydrogen gas? That's funny, because of life on earth is carbon-based, and THERE'S NO CARBON IN HYDROGEN GAS! You're damn right that there's nothing intellectual about that theory, and Charles Darwin certainly never proposed such a thing. I've heard theories that various atmospheric conditions created lightning or something to stimulate the formation of bio-organic molecules and this eventually led to the first microbes, and it all went evolutionarily uphill from there. However, there is NO accepted theory in the scientific community for what the "spark" was that got the evolutionary ball rolling, so yet again, it seems the generals over at LiveOffensively.com didn't do their science homework.
The author of the sales pitch for this shirt certainly fancies him or herself at least capable of understanding the theories of our origins: "So where did everything come from if you ask an evolutionist. Well any evolutionist who believes in the bogus idea of a big bang must admit that everything in the universe including you and I came from Hydrogen Gas. It sure sounds stupid when you put it that way but seriously when you boil away all of the feathers and the technical jargon some people actually believe you and I came from Hydrogen gas!" Yes, the Big Bang theory does suggest that everything was once an extremely dense mass of hydrogen gas, but that during the "Bang" mentioned in which the universe expanded, other elements were immediately formed. I don't know why that's so "bogus," because there's a whole lot of calculus and other complicated math supporting that. Obviously this might have been the "feathers and technical jargon" the shirt designer "boiled away" when analyzing its credibility as a scientific theory. And it does sound stupid when you put it that way, because it sounds like he read the Big Bang Theory Wikipedia page much like he reads the Bible: extremely selectively and without much comprehension.
I have never really understood why these Christians get so incensed about evolution. Just because it happened that way doesn't mean to me that God wasn't involved and directing the whole operation. I'm a Christian and I think the theory of evolution is not only pretty fucking sound, but doesn't "by its very nature exclude God." In fact, the more I learn about science, the more impressed I am by God's handiwork. I don't see why the Bible has to be the only authority on the specifics of how our universe came to be. The dudes who wrote the Book of Genesis weren't sitting there with a clock and a calendar (especially since neither one existed when the book was written) while God was busy creating everything, so how the fuck do they know how long it took? A day could mean 24 hours or 4 billion years, and frankly, the Hebrews who wrote it were more preoccupied with escaping bondage in Egypt and finding the promised land than getting the details right about the creation myth. I've always been curious about how exactly God did all that work, so luckily Darwin stumbled on those cormorants in the Galapagos Islands and came up with a compelling explanation. I'm further convinced based on my knowledge of molecular biology and my work with microbial organisms. I have literally driven bacteria, yeast, and viruses to evolve the way I wanted them to in a test tube, and do so on a daily basis. I don't think that God wants me to be a moron, so I can't believe that analyzing scientific data dating back to the HMS Beagle's most famous naturalist is inherently sinful.
Porn
Well, the first shirt just blew my misconception that porn stars are either spontaneously generated or synthesized in a bathroom by Anthony Michael Hall and his fat friend thanks to a fortuitous electrical storm while hacked into the government's servers, and proved that they are indeed human beings with parents just like the rest of us. Damn. Also, I guarantee that some irreverent pornographer is filming a chick getting anally gangbanged in that very shirt right now. As far as that second "Porn is for posers" shirt, what the hell does that even mean and how exactly is it addressing porn? "It REQUIRES the STRENGTH of a REAL MAN to care for the HEART of a REAL WOMAN. It takes the BEAUTY of a REAL WOMAN to AROUSE the COURAGE of a REAL MAN." At least I get the second part. In my experience, men do appreciate a real woman with some beauty, but courage is not usually the attribute which generally gets aroused in those situations. And I have known plenty of real, authentic, Y-chromosome-bearing, penis-having, honest-to-God men who don't stand against pornography, and manage to maintain their male gender just fine while partaking in its many delights.
They also have some statement with the porn shirts from some ex-porn star named Shelley Lubben. She blames her career in porn on her daddy issues, and goes on and on about how harmful the "porn pandemic" is. I don't think that watching porn myself encourages me to "have adulterous affairs and contract STDs," as "facts" on her website suggest. I do not feel exploited by porn, either. I think that it is mainly marketed to men, and that is why women don't always come across looking like independent-minded, respectable, highly intellectual rocket scientists in porn films, but it doesn't exploit women any more than mainstream Hollywood, corporate America, or academic science. Women in porn get paid more than the male actors, because it's a lot trickier to receive a vigorous DP-ing than to give it and because most men would rather see the chick's tits and ass than the dude's weiner, and I've seen plenty of porn where women occupy a powerful or dominating position. I don't think there's anything degrading about exploring all different aspects of human sexuality. While I'm sure Shelley Lubben and a lot of other women in porn don't have the happiest histories or the highest self-esteem, it's not really fair to blame an entire industry or its consumers for their bad experiences.
Anyway, to validate the fact that LiveOffensive.com's teen recruits thus far aren't scoring lots of cool points with their collection of pompous, judgmental Christian t-shirts, check out their picture. From left to right, meet the warriors of righteousness whose badassery are supposedly meant to attract other youths to the Pissing People Off in God's Name movement:
Avril La-Small Peen: You know what makes you look like more of a poser than pornography? Pairing a false collar and ugly fucking necktie with your t-shirt. I don't know why this guy joined the fight against the MTV culture, because with that knockout tie/tee/Adidas superstar combo, he belongs in the audience at TRL adulating Pete Wentz.
Keds Hobbit: Nice bowl cut, Frodo! Tell me, did Jesus tell you that abortion was mean before or after you (via Gollum interference) managed to destroy the One Ring in the smoldering magma pit of Mount Doom?
Firecrotch: Just to ensure she's extra not-exploited, this feisty redhead wears long sleeves so as to cover up those lewdly seductive forearms of hers. Also validating the fact that she's not a poser, the long sleeve UNDER the short sleeve look is for sure the mark of a deeply clever original.
Buffalo Butt: Make no mistake, those baggy cords are designed for one thing and one thing only--sacking up that wide ass to minimize its massive size. It's always interesting to me that a woman's ass can be both huge and flatter than a damn cornfield in flyover country, which is probably where this bitch lives. Good thing she's going to be a good baby-having Christian because girlfriend has some serious birthin' hips, and it would not hurt her to throw some fasting in along with all that praying. Also, if by some freak accident she ends up attending Smith instead of Liberty or Bob Jones University, she's going to be doing some serious boobmashing! You can tell by the hat--those knit turban/ugly shrug/friendship bracelet combos are the trait trifecta defining a sleeper LUG just waiting to get activated by her first exposure to Ani DiFranco and chamomile tea.
Bam-Bam: His #1 reason for joining the "Abortion is mean" movement--he loves blowing stuff up. And Jesus says that's only okay when it's a Planned Parenthood. Oh, and P.S. Bam-Bam: abortion might be mean, but so is being a date-rapist, so in three years when some poor girl has a few too many glasses of the blood of Christ at a Liberty U frat party, remember that Jesus would NOT do passed-out drunk chicks.
Back Row Barbie: Everyone hates her because she's a slut. She cuts herself and is working hard at becoming bulimic to compensate. Other hobbies include self-hatred and chatting up pedophiles on MySpace.
The Snatchural: CODE LESBO! When this strapping lass isn't leading an irritating campaign against smut, she's praying desperately that none of her little Christian friends find out the real reason she loves playing softball so much, because it's for sure NOT strictly the love of the game. She wears insanely sensible Skechers and it almost seems like she's worked hard to strike such an obviously butchy posture for the camera. Abortion is mean, and you like eating pussy. Those are FACTS.
Pretty in Pink: Pretty trashy and stuck in 1986, that is. I wonder if those acid-washed jeans that this poor man's Ally Sheedy is rocking has zippers and bows at the back of her ankles. And is she wearing SOCKS with flip-flops? She's definitely got nothing to worry about in terms of being tempted to surrender her virginity before her wedding night.
Anyway, I don't think that Living Offensively will score these assorted social untouchables many followers, so I sincerely hope that teenagers everywhere don't start clamoring for "Abortion is mean" shirts. I doubt that's likely, since being a purposefully offensive zealot isn't catching with the kids these days. Combining terrible style choices and unattractive physical features with religious fanaticism and a know-it-all superiority complex is NOT the way to win over fickle, petty, superficial, self-indulgent teenagers. These morons have started a movement that solely attracts nothing but more morons who probably already share their pedantic, oversimplified views. They might have some vaguely provocative, haughty t-shirts, but they probably don't have a lot of converts. And those shirts will probably merit more eye-rolls and brutal teenaged criticism than their intended purpose of dialogue-starters. So onward Christian soldiers...preferably straight over the edge of a high precipice into the roiling seas breaking against the cliff sides below like the stupid-ass lemmings that you are.
Case in point: while doing some e-dicking around on the internets today, I stumbled upon LiveOffensively.com, a Christian youth ministry whose mission is to "discover, inspire and equip students to Live Offensively for God in their schools, churches and communities." Their mission statements also contain a lot of pseudo-militaristic rhetoric about building armies of highschoolers to engage "the MTV culture", being effective "soldiers in the midst of a great spiritual war," and combating the "evil prince of this world." Basically, they want to encourage Creed-loving teens to act like sanctimonious assholes at their public schools so they can get some press.
To assist these teenaged Bible thumpers in their quest to annoy and alienate as many people as possible with their holier-than-thou attitude, they are trying to equip them with a variety of t-shirts sold for $16 a pop. Here are some of the issues addressed by the Tee Offensive:
Abortion
Oh, I see... it's a FACT that abortion is mean, selfish, potentially criminal, and worse than 9/11. I'd bet all the recently not-aborted fetuses hearted by South Dakota that these assholes think they can win any argument with such obviously unbiased "facts," at least in places with crappy schools that don't teach the difference between fact and opinion. If those two homos sharing some man-love in their extremely factual t-shirts above are so sure they've got the whole "facts are on our side" thing down, how about they come out of the fucking closet? Actually, that brings me to the next topic.
Fags, dykes, trannies, and everything in between (presumably that includes those who are bi-slutty like myself)
I almost prefer the "Jesus Hates Fags" crowd than this preachy, condescending bullshit. At least the divinity name-dropping homo-stompers are straightforward about their agenda. I hate this wishy-washy "We love you even though you're a bad, wrong, despicable, hell-bound, depraved, perverted, defiled, horrible sinner." You know they will send anyone down with the same sex action straight to one of those places that "rehabilitates" gay people, like they're addicts, criminals, or dogs that need to be retrained. I also believe that Jesus is compassionate, and in being so, he would be kind enough to NOT IMPLY THAT PEOPLE WHO WERE BORN GAY ARE SICK FREAKS WHO SHOULD BE PITIED AND REHABBED! Fuck your patronizing "compassion."
Abstinence
For starters, if you were really loving your husband without having met him, you'd at least learn to give a decent blow job before you do. They might skip this during meetings in the LiveOffensively.com war room, but dudes love them some fellatio, so unless you marry a fellow virgin who doesn't know what he's missing, it can't hurt to get yourself some fucking practice before you do. When you get older, you'll be competing for men alongside women like myself, whose dicksucking techniques have been described as replete with "flair." Besides, depending on who you ask (silver fox President William Jefferson Clinton, for one), giving head isn't even really sex. I knew quite a few girls in Catholic school who certainly subscribed to the whole theory that only the vagina was off limits in terms of sin, but that your mouth and asshole was open for business in the eyes of God. On the other hand, it's not like these girls have to worry about the fellas beating down their doors for some Satan-approved premarital sex, since all the female "warriors" on the site look like this:
Since these twats are uglier than the sins they are so intent on fighting, they surely don't need to wear shirts frightening people with moralistic, poorly constructed ("I'd rather be prude") veiled threats about HPV, especially shit that isn't even really true. Yes, one in four sexually active bitches has HPV in high school, and the numbers jump to 80-90% in adulthood, but very few HPV strains actually cause genital warts. And any bitch with a TV can tell you at this point that HPV's a virus that causes cervical cancer from those ubiquitous "A virus...that causes CANCER?! NO WAY! I'm telling everyone I know!" thanks to the Gardasil marketing team. As a virologist, I can add that having cell cycle and tumor suppressor functions abrogated by viral proteins wreaking havoc on the Ras signaling pathway and ubiquitinating p53 are much worse than a wart that you can just get frozen off your cooch. If you're going to bring viruses into your self-assured t-shirts, then make sure you do your fucking homework so that you can have all that wisdom and integrity that abstinence supposedly brings.
Evolution
There's a theory suggesting that life arose from hydrogen gas? That's funny, because of life on earth is carbon-based, and THERE'S NO CARBON IN HYDROGEN GAS! You're damn right that there's nothing intellectual about that theory, and Charles Darwin certainly never proposed such a thing. I've heard theories that various atmospheric conditions created lightning or something to stimulate the formation of bio-organic molecules and this eventually led to the first microbes, and it all went evolutionarily uphill from there. However, there is NO accepted theory in the scientific community for what the "spark" was that got the evolutionary ball rolling, so yet again, it seems the generals over at LiveOffensively.com didn't do their science homework.
The author of the sales pitch for this shirt certainly fancies him or herself at least capable of understanding the theories of our origins: "So where did everything come from if you ask an evolutionist. Well any evolutionist who believes in the bogus idea of a big bang must admit that everything in the universe including you and I came from Hydrogen Gas. It sure sounds stupid when you put it that way but seriously when you boil away all of the feathers and the technical jargon some people actually believe you and I came from Hydrogen gas!" Yes, the Big Bang theory does suggest that everything was once an extremely dense mass of hydrogen gas, but that during the "Bang" mentioned in which the universe expanded, other elements were immediately formed. I don't know why that's so "bogus," because there's a whole lot of calculus and other complicated math supporting that. Obviously this might have been the "feathers and technical jargon" the shirt designer "boiled away" when analyzing its credibility as a scientific theory. And it does sound stupid when you put it that way, because it sounds like he read the Big Bang Theory Wikipedia page much like he reads the Bible: extremely selectively and without much comprehension.
I have never really understood why these Christians get so incensed about evolution. Just because it happened that way doesn't mean to me that God wasn't involved and directing the whole operation. I'm a Christian and I think the theory of evolution is not only pretty fucking sound, but doesn't "by its very nature exclude God." In fact, the more I learn about science, the more impressed I am by God's handiwork. I don't see why the Bible has to be the only authority on the specifics of how our universe came to be. The dudes who wrote the Book of Genesis weren't sitting there with a clock and a calendar (especially since neither one existed when the book was written) while God was busy creating everything, so how the fuck do they know how long it took? A day could mean 24 hours or 4 billion years, and frankly, the Hebrews who wrote it were more preoccupied with escaping bondage in Egypt and finding the promised land than getting the details right about the creation myth. I've always been curious about how exactly God did all that work, so luckily Darwin stumbled on those cormorants in the Galapagos Islands and came up with a compelling explanation. I'm further convinced based on my knowledge of molecular biology and my work with microbial organisms. I have literally driven bacteria, yeast, and viruses to evolve the way I wanted them to in a test tube, and do so on a daily basis. I don't think that God wants me to be a moron, so I can't believe that analyzing scientific data dating back to the HMS Beagle's most famous naturalist is inherently sinful.
Porn
Well, the first shirt just blew my misconception that porn stars are either spontaneously generated or synthesized in a bathroom by Anthony Michael Hall and his fat friend thanks to a fortuitous electrical storm while hacked into the government's servers, and proved that they are indeed human beings with parents just like the rest of us. Damn. Also, I guarantee that some irreverent pornographer is filming a chick getting anally gangbanged in that very shirt right now. As far as that second "Porn is for posers" shirt, what the hell does that even mean and how exactly is it addressing porn? "It REQUIRES the STRENGTH of a REAL MAN to care for the HEART of a REAL WOMAN. It takes the BEAUTY of a REAL WOMAN to AROUSE the COURAGE of a REAL MAN." At least I get the second part. In my experience, men do appreciate a real woman with some beauty, but courage is not usually the attribute which generally gets aroused in those situations. And I have known plenty of real, authentic, Y-chromosome-bearing, penis-having, honest-to-God men who don't stand against pornography, and manage to maintain their male gender just fine while partaking in its many delights.
They also have some statement with the porn shirts from some ex-porn star named Shelley Lubben. She blames her career in porn on her daddy issues, and goes on and on about how harmful the "porn pandemic" is. I don't think that watching porn myself encourages me to "have adulterous affairs and contract STDs," as "facts" on her website suggest. I do not feel exploited by porn, either. I think that it is mainly marketed to men, and that is why women don't always come across looking like independent-minded, respectable, highly intellectual rocket scientists in porn films, but it doesn't exploit women any more than mainstream Hollywood, corporate America, or academic science. Women in porn get paid more than the male actors, because it's a lot trickier to receive a vigorous DP-ing than to give it and because most men would rather see the chick's tits and ass than the dude's weiner, and I've seen plenty of porn where women occupy a powerful or dominating position. I don't think there's anything degrading about exploring all different aspects of human sexuality. While I'm sure Shelley Lubben and a lot of other women in porn don't have the happiest histories or the highest self-esteem, it's not really fair to blame an entire industry or its consumers for their bad experiences.
Anyway, to validate the fact that LiveOffensive.com's teen recruits thus far aren't scoring lots of cool points with their collection of pompous, judgmental Christian t-shirts, check out their picture. From left to right, meet the warriors of righteousness whose badassery are supposedly meant to attract other youths to the Pissing People Off in God's Name movement:
Avril La-Small Peen: You know what makes you look like more of a poser than pornography? Pairing a false collar and ugly fucking necktie with your t-shirt. I don't know why this guy joined the fight against the MTV culture, because with that knockout tie/tee/Adidas superstar combo, he belongs in the audience at TRL adulating Pete Wentz.
Keds Hobbit: Nice bowl cut, Frodo! Tell me, did Jesus tell you that abortion was mean before or after you (via Gollum interference) managed to destroy the One Ring in the smoldering magma pit of Mount Doom?
Firecrotch: Just to ensure she's extra not-exploited, this feisty redhead wears long sleeves so as to cover up those lewdly seductive forearms of hers. Also validating the fact that she's not a poser, the long sleeve UNDER the short sleeve look is for sure the mark of a deeply clever original.
Buffalo Butt: Make no mistake, those baggy cords are designed for one thing and one thing only--sacking up that wide ass to minimize its massive size. It's always interesting to me that a woman's ass can be both huge and flatter than a damn cornfield in flyover country, which is probably where this bitch lives. Good thing she's going to be a good baby-having Christian because girlfriend has some serious birthin' hips, and it would not hurt her to throw some fasting in along with all that praying. Also, if by some freak accident she ends up attending Smith instead of Liberty or Bob Jones University, she's going to be doing some serious boobmashing! You can tell by the hat--those knit turban/ugly shrug/friendship bracelet combos are the trait trifecta defining a sleeper LUG just waiting to get activated by her first exposure to Ani DiFranco and chamomile tea.
Bam-Bam: His #1 reason for joining the "Abortion is mean" movement--he loves blowing stuff up. And Jesus says that's only okay when it's a Planned Parenthood. Oh, and P.S. Bam-Bam: abortion might be mean, but so is being a date-rapist, so in three years when some poor girl has a few too many glasses of the blood of Christ at a Liberty U frat party, remember that Jesus would NOT do passed-out drunk chicks.
Back Row Barbie: Everyone hates her because she's a slut. She cuts herself and is working hard at becoming bulimic to compensate. Other hobbies include self-hatred and chatting up pedophiles on MySpace.
The Snatchural: CODE LESBO! When this strapping lass isn't leading an irritating campaign against smut, she's praying desperately that none of her little Christian friends find out the real reason she loves playing softball so much, because it's for sure NOT strictly the love of the game. She wears insanely sensible Skechers and it almost seems like she's worked hard to strike such an obviously butchy posture for the camera. Abortion is mean, and you like eating pussy. Those are FACTS.
Pretty in Pink: Pretty trashy and stuck in 1986, that is. I wonder if those acid-washed jeans that this poor man's Ally Sheedy is rocking has zippers and bows at the back of her ankles. And is she wearing SOCKS with flip-flops? She's definitely got nothing to worry about in terms of being tempted to surrender her virginity before her wedding night.
Anyway, I don't think that Living Offensively will score these assorted social untouchables many followers, so I sincerely hope that teenagers everywhere don't start clamoring for "Abortion is mean" shirts. I doubt that's likely, since being a purposefully offensive zealot isn't catching with the kids these days. Combining terrible style choices and unattractive physical features with religious fanaticism and a know-it-all superiority complex is NOT the way to win over fickle, petty, superficial, self-indulgent teenagers. These morons have started a movement that solely attracts nothing but more morons who probably already share their pedantic, oversimplified views. They might have some vaguely provocative, haughty t-shirts, but they probably don't have a lot of converts. And those shirts will probably merit more eye-rolls and brutal teenaged criticism than their intended purpose of dialogue-starters. So onward Christian soldiers...preferably straight over the edge of a high precipice into the roiling seas breaking against the cliff sides below like the stupid-ass lemmings that you are.
Labels: assholes, Aunt Jesus, Dear God, fat fucks, oh the horror, porn, pro-apocalyptic zeitgeist, ranting, you're ugly
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Grandpa Ben would be proud
My Aunt Jesus once told me that my Grandpa Ben was rolling over in his grave in consternation about the content of my website. I have always doubted that, considering not even the cabalistic intrigue of the "Unsolved Mysteries" episode he was watching in his girlfriend's Puyallup double-wide on the night his soul journeyed up to Valhalla (or wherever the guys go who happen to die in a La-Z-Boy listening to the soothing gravelly sound of Robert Stack's voice rather than by being slain in glory on the battlefield) was sufficient to revive him. I think, though, that if he were to be resurrected and shown how to use the internet (which didn't exist when he died in 1991, and his ass did NOT use Prodigy) and waited for him to read my website through his one good eye, he'd at least be proud of my reminding the world of this unimpeachable fact:
NORWEGIANS HAVE BEEN KICKING DANISH ASS SINCE THE 11TH CENTURY AND CONTINUE TO DO SO TODAY!
As usual, something's rotten in the state of Denmark, or in this case, on a boat produced in the state of Denmark. Apparently the Sea Stallion, this replica Viking ship sailing from Denmark to Scotland to study "the seamanship of early Norsemen" got stalled in the North Sea due to calm weather conditions. Presumably the seamanship of early Norsemen was superior to the seamanship of extant Norsemen, especially Danish museum curators and history professors on summer break from the University of Copenhagen. They actually quit because of calm seas. I had no idea that Horse Latitudes existed up there, but apparently on either side of the equator isn't the only place you can experience a ship-stopping lack of wind. Since they were a bunch of unseaworthy wimps, the Danes running things decided to call for a tow to Scotland rather than just crack open a seal bladder full of gammeldansk and pass the time reading some Hans Christian Andersen or something while they waited for the breeze to pick up. I mean, jeez, it probably would have only taken a few days. It's not like they were subsisting on weevils and getting scorbutic.
In addition to their intolerance for pleasant, leisurely sailing conditions and their distaste for doing any actual rowing, Captain Carsten Fvid said that supposedly a couple sissy boys on the ship were also cold. Welcome to Scand-rock, bitches! Did you think you were going on a breadfruit mission to Tahiti or something and forget your Helly Hansen parkas? Some Vikings you are! Throw on a damn reindeer skin, nut up, and quit your bitching, you pussies! If the toughness of your modern sailors is any indication, it's no wonder Grendel busted into your Danish mead hall and went bowling with your ancestors' decapitated skulls without breaking a sweat. You all would have been wiped out if Beowulf didn't show up in the nick of time to save you with some clutch Goth barbarian asskickery.
This kind of quitting on a calm sea bullshit never would happen if Sig "The Hotness" Hansen was skippering the Sea Stallion instead of this Carsten Fvid jackass:
Unlike Carsten "The Boy Who Cried Hypothermia" Fvig, Sig wouldn't have allowed a little lack of wind or some nipply temperatures stop him from barking at the crew to man the oars and row that shit all the way to the North Pole. He'd just stoically zip up his Northwestern jacket and fire up a Marlboro with a contemptuous smirk on his face, holler at the crew to put their backs into it, and try to plot a course that would enable him to swing by the Bering Sea and fill the Sea Stallion's tanks with Red Gold. In fact, he probably wouldn't even have to get the crybaby Danish crew to row. Sig's presence probably generates such blistering heat that a hurricane would spontaneously form and provide the much-needed wind to blow him all the way to New York, much less Scotland. That's how Norwegian seamen do it. Leif Erikson (who was also Norwegian in spite of being born in Iceland...his father was Erik the Red, a Norwegian explorer, outlaw, and all around barbarian pimp who is singlehandedly credited with providing the genetic basis for the redheaded phenotype commonly observed in Ireland) did just that when he discovered North America and settled there with his hot wife Thorgunna around the time the original Sea Stallion was sinking to the bottom of the fjord at Roskilde in the mid 10-00's. Why did the Sea Stallion sink, you ask? Because the pussified Danes at the helm couldn't hold off a fierce fleet of bloodthirsty Norwegians, that's why! They didn't have cannons or gunpowder then, but I'm sure the turn-of-the-millenium Norwegian navy managed to find an effective way for bringing the hammer of Thor down upon those pathetic second-class Vikings. When will the History Channel make an hour-long "Viking Tech" show so that I can watch this sublime moment in my cultural history reenacted in low-budget CGI?
My grandfather might not be proud of my many drunken or depraved exploits (although he'd probably understand; when he died we took a stack of nudey mags as tall as the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree out of his house), but he'd be beaming with nationalistic pride at my Norwegian smack talking. Grandpa Ben had a clever bit of verse for belittling all of his Scandinavian rivals, such as "ten thousand Swedes ran through the weeds, chased by one Norwegian." I can't remember what he said about those fruitcakes from Denmark, but I know that he'd like ALL of what I just said. It would almost be enough to mitigate the sting of the Danes' electing a Prime Minister named Rasmussen (a move I'm pretty sure the Danish people conspired as a nation to make solely to besmirch my family name and piss me off). Here's to you, Grandpa Ben! If your surviving heirs hadn't thrown away your (completely rank from ten years of constant wear) Sons of Norway baseball cap after you passed on to the halls of Odin, I'd put it on and tip it to pay honor to our people's mighty history.
SKOAL! Stolt a bli Norsk!
NORWEGIANS HAVE BEEN KICKING DANISH ASS SINCE THE 11TH CENTURY AND CONTINUE TO DO SO TODAY!
As usual, something's rotten in the state of Denmark, or in this case, on a boat produced in the state of Denmark. Apparently the Sea Stallion, this replica Viking ship sailing from Denmark to Scotland to study "the seamanship of early Norsemen" got stalled in the North Sea due to calm weather conditions. Presumably the seamanship of early Norsemen was superior to the seamanship of extant Norsemen, especially Danish museum curators and history professors on summer break from the University of Copenhagen. They actually quit because of calm seas. I had no idea that Horse Latitudes existed up there, but apparently on either side of the equator isn't the only place you can experience a ship-stopping lack of wind. Since they were a bunch of unseaworthy wimps, the Danes running things decided to call for a tow to Scotland rather than just crack open a seal bladder full of gammeldansk and pass the time reading some Hans Christian Andersen or something while they waited for the breeze to pick up. I mean, jeez, it probably would have only taken a few days. It's not like they were subsisting on weevils and getting scorbutic.
In addition to their intolerance for pleasant, leisurely sailing conditions and their distaste for doing any actual rowing, Captain Carsten Fvid said that supposedly a couple sissy boys on the ship were also cold. Welcome to Scand-rock, bitches! Did you think you were going on a breadfruit mission to Tahiti or something and forget your Helly Hansen parkas? Some Vikings you are! Throw on a damn reindeer skin, nut up, and quit your bitching, you pussies! If the toughness of your modern sailors is any indication, it's no wonder Grendel busted into your Danish mead hall and went bowling with your ancestors' decapitated skulls without breaking a sweat. You all would have been wiped out if Beowulf didn't show up in the nick of time to save you with some clutch Goth barbarian asskickery.
This kind of quitting on a calm sea bullshit never would happen if Sig "The Hotness" Hansen was skippering the Sea Stallion instead of this Carsten Fvid jackass:
Unlike Carsten "The Boy Who Cried Hypothermia" Fvig, Sig wouldn't have allowed a little lack of wind or some nipply temperatures stop him from barking at the crew to man the oars and row that shit all the way to the North Pole. He'd just stoically zip up his Northwestern jacket and fire up a Marlboro with a contemptuous smirk on his face, holler at the crew to put their backs into it, and try to plot a course that would enable him to swing by the Bering Sea and fill the Sea Stallion's tanks with Red Gold. In fact, he probably wouldn't even have to get the crybaby Danish crew to row. Sig's presence probably generates such blistering heat that a hurricane would spontaneously form and provide the much-needed wind to blow him all the way to New York, much less Scotland. That's how Norwegian seamen do it. Leif Erikson (who was also Norwegian in spite of being born in Iceland...his father was Erik the Red, a Norwegian explorer, outlaw, and all around barbarian pimp who is singlehandedly credited with providing the genetic basis for the redheaded phenotype commonly observed in Ireland) did just that when he discovered North America and settled there with his hot wife Thorgunna around the time the original Sea Stallion was sinking to the bottom of the fjord at Roskilde in the mid 10-00's. Why did the Sea Stallion sink, you ask? Because the pussified Danes at the helm couldn't hold off a fierce fleet of bloodthirsty Norwegians, that's why! They didn't have cannons or gunpowder then, but I'm sure the turn-of-the-millenium Norwegian navy managed to find an effective way for bringing the hammer of Thor down upon those pathetic second-class Vikings. When will the History Channel make an hour-long "Viking Tech" show so that I can watch this sublime moment in my cultural history reenacted in low-budget CGI?
My grandfather might not be proud of my many drunken or depraved exploits (although he'd probably understand; when he died we took a stack of nudey mags as tall as the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree out of his house), but he'd be beaming with nationalistic pride at my Norwegian smack talking. Grandpa Ben had a clever bit of verse for belittling all of his Scandinavian rivals, such as "ten thousand Swedes ran through the weeds, chased by one Norwegian." I can't remember what he said about those fruitcakes from Denmark, but I know that he'd like ALL of what I just said. It would almost be enough to mitigate the sting of the Danes' electing a Prime Minister named Rasmussen (a move I'm pretty sure the Danish people conspired as a nation to make solely to besmirch my family name and piss me off). Here's to you, Grandpa Ben! If your surviving heirs hadn't thrown away your (completely rank from ten years of constant wear) Sons of Norway baseball cap after you passed on to the halls of Odin, I'd put it on and tip it to pay honor to our people's mighty history.
SKOAL! Stolt a bli Norsk!
Labels: Aunt Jesus, Deadliest Catch, epic geekery, family matters, History Channel, PWT, Razzification, seamen
Friday, April 13, 2007
Chingy!'s missing link
My buddy MillerTime was visiting, and she wanted to go to the Museum of Natural History. This is my favorite museum in New York, because not only does it seriously satisfy my inner biology geek, it is also a monument to Teddy Roosevelt and allows me to make tasteless jokes about big sticks and bully pulpits. The museum has just renovated their Hall of Human Origins, which is awesome. I took this picture of Lucy, the first pre-human hominid ever discovered by Louis and Mary Leakey, to send to my Aunt Jesus, along with my most sincere prayers that she might one day find the theory of evolution convincing:
I also tried on a rad flashlight helmet and bought a Tyrannosaurus rex bracelet, because that's how I roll at the dork museum. Scientastic, right?
However, in the Hall of Ocean Life, I made an important evolutionary discovery. Based on a phenotypic analysis, it seems that dogs may have evolved from walruses. Examine the first specimen, the stuffed sleeping walrus at the Natural History museum:
Note the distinguishing copious fat rolls, the pronounced face wrinkles, and the apparent deep slumber that this taxidermied animal enjoys. I also learned from the exhibit that when walruses feed on a variety of clams and other mollusks, they daintily lift them up, holding the shells between their lips before sucking out the meat inside.
Now, observe specimen 2, my very own Pug, the nefarious Chingy!:
Apart from his physical similarity to the walrus, Chingy! has also been known to engage in the lip-holding predatory actions characteristic of the walrus. One time we went down to Washington, DC right after the cicadas had hatched. Cicadas are these nasty bugs that hatch every seventeen years, mate, and promptly die. They were all over the place, fluttering their wings feebly as they died. Chingy! instantly decided that cicadas were going to be the only prey he would ever stalk and hunt, probably because they're on the verge of death and thus easy to capture. He went around picking up the cicadas in his little doggy lips. He would hold them there with a disgusting look of satisfaction as they fluttered their wings pathetically against his nose and stank maw. Unlike the walrus, he didn't actually suck out the insides, but I felt the behavior was similar enough to inspire a hypothesis that obese Pugs are distant evolutionary cousins to these tusked pinnipeds.
You can't argue with the data. I'm pretty sure any evolutionary biologist reading this will agree.
CHONGAY CHONG!
Note the distinguishing copious fat rolls, the pronounced face wrinkles, and the apparent deep slumber that this taxidermied animal enjoys. I also learned from the exhibit that when walruses feed on a variety of clams and other mollusks, they daintily lift them up, holding the shells between their lips before sucking out the meat inside.
Now, observe specimen 2, my very own Pug, the nefarious Chingy!:
Apart from his physical similarity to the walrus, Chingy! has also been known to engage in the lip-holding predatory actions characteristic of the walrus. One time we went down to Washington, DC right after the cicadas had hatched. Cicadas are these nasty bugs that hatch every seventeen years, mate, and promptly die. They were all over the place, fluttering their wings feebly as they died. Chingy! instantly decided that cicadas were going to be the only prey he would ever stalk and hunt, probably because they're on the verge of death and thus easy to capture. He went around picking up the cicadas in his little doggy lips. He would hold them there with a disgusting look of satisfaction as they fluttered their wings pathetically against his nose and stank maw. Unlike the walrus, he didn't actually suck out the insides, but I felt the behavior was similar enough to inspire a hypothesis that obese Pugs are distant evolutionary cousins to these tusked pinnipeds.
You can't argue with the data. I'm pretty sure any evolutionary biologist reading this will agree.
CHONGAY CHONG!
Labels: Aunt Jesus, CHONGAY CHONG, doggity style, MillerTime, ridiculous absurdity, science
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