Friday, October 17, 2008

 

A dangling C.H.U.D.

I've gotten a couple e-mails regarding a certain SUPER hot photo from the master debate the other evening.  It seems that despite the widespread circulation of this shot on the internets, my mom, GayMan, and a couple of random Razzyphiles just had to e-mail me to make sure it didn't escape my notice that the officer and a hot piece known as Senator John McCain (R-AZ) looked like he was being transmogrified into one of the creatures dwelling in the fell city of Minas Morgul after catching a glimpse of old Pointy Pelvis Obama's ass:



I don't know how I missed McCain doing this live, because I certainly watched the debate.  It may have something to do with the fact that I watched it at a bar and had already knocked back a Dos Equis or fifty.  I also was thrown off because during the debate there had been a lot of cheering for McCain, and I thought maybe I was in good company.  Then, however, when the cheering continued after the debate I realized that everyone was getting excited about the Phillies game on one of the other bar TVs, and as usual I was the only McCainiac around.  In any event, I had other things on my mind than spotting fleeting moments when McCain apparently gave in–if only for a moment–to his insatiable craving for smug, condescending Illinois senator flesh.  I wish I had seen it, though, because I've been saying for a long time that we need a C.H.U.D. in the White House.  For one thing, a cannibalistic, possibly undead president would strike a lot more fear into the hearts of evildoers everywhere than a brainy law professor.  For another, I'd like to see those socialist homos in Europe complain about our warmongering ways while facing the threat of being ravenously devoured by our fearless leader for their gall.   My election preference continues to be validated by Senator McCain's total awesomeness.  JOHN! MC! CAIN!  JOHN! MC! CAIN!

*RAZZY Edit: No sooner did I publish this than I was asked, "What the f is a C.H.U.D.?"  Apparently I am the only one around here with any appreciation for the cinematic masterpieces of the 1980s.  C.H.U.D. is a movie about some John McCain-looking things with glowing eyes that live under New York City in the abandoned subway tunnels and occasionally venture up from their subterranean digs to eat hot 80s chicks with spiral perms.  It's a really realistic movie, because I can't tell you how many narrow escapes I have made from hungry C.H.U.D.s since moving to New York six years ago.  Take a gander at the awesome trailer for C.H.U.D. and I guarantee that not only will you IMMEDIATELY rush to Blockbuster and rent it, you will see my reasoning that a C.H.U.D. would make a better president than a community organizer.  TRUST.

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# posted by Razzy @ 8:45 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

 

Daily Douchebag: the New York Times


Name: the New York Times

DOB: September 18, 1851

Occupation: deciding which news is fit to print

Hometown: One Times Square, New York, New York

Current residence: 620 8th Ave, New York, New York

Douchebaggery:  If you watch cable news at all, you probably saw that yesterday Matt Drudge stirred up all the pundits by publishing a story about how the Times rejected an op-ed essay by the officer and a hot piece Senator John McCain that responded to a piece by Senator Barack Obama entitled "My Plan for Iraq."  David Shipley, editor of the Times Op-Ed page, apparently rejected it on grounds that he would rather have a piece that "mirrors" what Obama had to say.

While having edited an op-ed page myself (for the august Smith College Sophian), I understand that sometimes there is a process involving the author of an editorial piece in which the piece is changed a bit from its original form, I can't imagine how the Times expects McCain to write something "mirroring" Obama's plan.  A fundamental difference between the two candidates–and the reason I am voting for John McCain–is their position on the Iraq War, and their plan on how to end it.  McCain favors what I think is a more rational approach, a withdrawal based on conditions in Iraq as determined by our military leaders and the Iraqi government, versus the timetable Obama has revealed as his grand plan.  While McCain states quite explicitly in his article that he expects troops to be out of Iraq by the end of his first term as president (rather than the "hundred years" Obamaphiles have been crowing about every time I tell ANYONE that I'm voting for John McCain), he plans to do this only after achieving a stabilized Iraq.

I don't like the Iraq War, and I did not support President Bush's decision to start it–thus sacrificing the lives of thousands of our brave troops and many more Iraqis–based on flawed intelligence and a poorly disguised desire for oil.  However, we are up to our freedom-loving tits in it, and I think that as much as we'd all like to be like Obama and say, "much later, Iraq," we ought to finish what we started and stick it out until we establish some kind of lasting stability there. Or in the words of Senator McCain, "any draw-downs must be based on a realistic assessment of conditions on the ground, not on an artificial timetable created for domestic political reasons...I find it ironic that he (Obama) is emulating the worst mistake of the Bush Administration by waving the 'Mission Accomplished' banner prematurely."

Shipley stated that he would reconsider an editorial by McCain so long as it "would articulate, in concrete terms, how Senator McCain defines victory in Iraq."  Considering McCain's piece already defined several goals concerning the Iraq military, reductions in sectarian violence, and his specific counterinsurgency strategy, as well as outlined what he considered benchmarks of failure in Iraq, Shipley's demand sounds a lot less like constructive editorial criticism and a lot more like they are more interested in presenting Obama's view than McCain's.  This is hardly a surprise considering that the Times has been on Obama's jock since he leapt on the national stage at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, but it is disappointing.  Whatever bias the Times may have, it's absurd and irresponsible for them to refuse to publish one major party candidate's views on a central issue of the upcoming presidential election until he comes up with a policy that "mirrors" their preference.  I consider both Obama's and McCain's plans regarding the Iraq War to be "fit to print," and it shows a reprehensible disregard for fairness or equity to suggest that one's are more fit than the other's.

Granted, I always knew the Times was populated primarily by a bunch of insufferably arrogant snobs who generally think they know best, but I at least thought they had some fucking integrity.  As it turns out, they aren't any better than FOX News when it comes to designing coverage that suits their particular bias.  I've never been more glad to say that I prefer to read the trashy-ass Post.

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# posted by Razzy @ 5:52 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Monday, June 16, 2008

 

Continue the smears

LL Cool Jew pointed out last week that Barack Obama has a site dedicated to correcting all the idiotic lies that "proven GOP sleazemeisters" in the media are making up about him entitled "Fight the Smears."


This site refutes claims that ignorant, racist morons believe about Barack Obama, like he is supposedly Muslim, is secretly not American, doesn't say the Pledge of Allegiance, Michelle Obama is racist, and other absurd nonsense like that.
LL Cool Jew: dude
LL Cool Jew: THIS
LL Cool Jew: is amazing
LL Cool Jew: http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/fightthesmearshome/
LL Cool Jew: i mean
LL Cool Jew: wow
Razzy: people are so dumb
LL Cool Jew: i bet my relatives are the ones saying this shit
LL Cool Jew: "Proven GOP sleazemeister "
Razzy: "Senator Obama was sworn in with a Koran"
Razzy: "Barack Obama won't say the pledge of allegiance"
LL Cool Jew: dude i'm totz looking at senator obama's birth certificate
LL Cool Jew: maybe we can open a credit card account in his name?
Razzy: YES!
Razzy: then i can go to wmania's wedding!
Razzy: courtesy of losing presidential candidate barack obama!
LL Cool Jew: damn. script too small.
Razzy: no SSN either
Razzy: :(
LL Cool Jew: View video of Barack leading The Pledge of Allegiance in the United States Senate
LL Cool Jew: is this boy scouts????
LL Cool Jew: Barack Obama Loves His Flag and His Country
Razzy: well i can't see him putting his hand over his heart!
Razzy: maybe i should insinuate on my website that he hates freedom and America
Razzy: and then Obama's site can call me a "proven GOP sleazemeister"
Razzy: and i'll get lots of traffic and thus money!
Yes, the anti-Obama smear campaign and its acceptance by the legions of idiots who will believe anything so long as it caters to their latent bigoted paranoia sounds to me like KA-CHING! Seriously, joining the ranks of "proven GOP sleazemeisters" is a golden opportunity to pick up some unique hits! GOP sleazemeisters do well these days, and as am I both voting for the hotness known as Senator John McCain (R-AZ) and I am a total breast-baring skank, I think I fit the bill for the titles of both "GOP" and "sleazemeister." So, without further ado, I'm going to fight Senator Barack Obama's efforts to clear his good name by making up even more ridiculous bullshit.

Barack Obama has a pointy pelvis and fucking him is really uncomfortable.
LL Cool Jew noted that this isn't necessarily a smear, because it's "probz true." I can assert that it is, because for whatever reason, tall, skinny guys usually have huge dicks and I've fucked a lot of them. However, that impressive weiner comes with a price: namely, afterward you feel like someone drilled holes into your hip sockets. Obama's got that going on for sure.

Barack Obama got vocal cord implants which is why he sounds like a motivational speaker
Every time someone tells me that Barack Obama is so inspirational, I just roll my eyes because his voice drives me nuts. However, the Obamaniacs think that he's the Pied Piper of Stump Speeches, so something's going on there. With the way he used to smoke like an Industrial Revolution-era textile mill, his real voice probably sounds like psychic Sylvia Browne from "The Montel Williams Show." In fact, check out Sylvia predicting political and economic happenings in 2007...I wonder if she actually IS Barack Obama in disguise without his vocal modifiers and with a bitchin' set of gel tips:


Michelle Obama loves white people...on the side
As long as it's cool for the GOP sleazemeisters to say that Michelle Obama gives speeches involving the term "whitey," we might as well just go the extra mile and say that she's fucking white people as well as disparaging them. Note the come-hither look she's throwing at Stephen Colbert. They're totally doing it.

A video exists of Michelle Obama having sex with Ray-J

LL Cool Jew came up with this one, as although she isn't a "GOP sleazemeister," she's even worse: an embittered Hillary supporter! After hearing T-Pain admit that "the man is swangin'" with regard to Ray-J's equipment, Michelle Obama answered affirmatively to his "Sexy Can I?" query. Ray-J likes those old cougars, anyway. Frankly, Michelle Obama is an upgrade from his previous MILF Whitney Houston. It's only a matter of time before Vivid releases "Michelle Obama Superstar" to the internets.

There is a tape of Barack Obama asking anyone if they'll run to the deli and grab him a sandwich. The deli happens to be halal.

Duh, Obama is MUSLIM! Okay, maybe he's a fake-me-out Muslim, sort of like Ice Cube getting excited for his mama cooking the breakfast with no hog but otherwise observing no Islamic customs, but I think we all know what it means to eat at a halal deli...it means you're Muslim! And we all know that means "terrorist"! Oh crap, I ate an egg-and-cheese sandwich from my neighborhood halal deli the other day...fuck. Nevermind.

Barack Obama fucked Gina Gershon.

And who wants a President content with Bill Clinton's sloppy seconds? NOT ME, even if Gina Gershon is the greatest portrayer of lipstick lesbians in Hollywood history and star of two of Smith College's favorite movies ever, Bound and Showgirls. Speaking of Showgirls, I bet Nomy was way hotter in the sack than Barack.

Barack Obama spends a lot of time playing "one-on-one" with his assistant Reggie Love.

Thanks to that dude who wrote that expose about "the DL," everyone knows what "poker night" is all about these days, and it's not just a spirited game of Texas Hold 'Em. They play "stud" and it's got nothing to do with cards. Since that's out now, the new down low lingo is "one on one." As in, one on one, I want to play that game tonight in the Daryl Hall/John Oates context. Translation: SODOMY!

Barack Obama claims his pets as dependents on his tax returns, which he won't release.

I don't even know if Barack Obama has pets, and supposedly he HAS released his tax returns, but trust that most of the folks reading the works of "proven GOP sleazemeisters" don't know that! And like they're going to read his tax returns anyway, except possibly to perpetrate some of the dumbest identity theft schemes in the history of crime.

Barack Obama hates baseball, Bruce Springsteen, domestic lagers, and apple pie

Hey, if you'll believe that he agrees with his minister that AIDS and crack are government conspiracies and the traditional African outfit his grandfather gave him is evidence of his extreme Black Panther-style radicalism, you'll believe anything!

Barack Obama loves belly dancing, Moroccan food, and reruns of "Sleeper Cell"

If you see this in someone's DVD collection, I think it's safe to go ahead and call "terrorist." In fact, if it weren't for my love of "Weeds" and "Dexter," I'd boycott Showtime altogether. Well, by "boycott" I mean I'd quit illegally downloading their shows, but same difference. Those "Sleeper Cell" terrorists are kind of hot, though. I think that guy on the right was in Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and I'd close my eyes, pretend he's American instead of an Islamist evildoer, and hit that hard. Oh, wait, he's Israeli in real life? Well, hell, that's still as un-American as BARACK HUSSEIN OSAMA!

When Barack Obama saw Rachael Ray wearing Yasser Arafat's keffiyeh on TV, he went out and bought a shit-ton of Dunkin Donuts

Someone told me that after this commercial aired, Obama maxed out his credit card at Urban Outfitters buying keffiyehs for his entire staff because Rachael Ray's freedom-hating was so inspiring to him. He also started tossing around the idea of providing a lifetime supply of Munchkins for anyone who votes for his terror ticket. I'm glad his staff talked him down from that, because I might forsake John McCain if offered enough complimentary Dunkin Donuts swag. Their iced coffee is the chronic, even if it's the choice beverage of freedom-haters everywhere.

Malia Obama will only play with Muslim Barbies

Not only does she play with Muslim Barbies, I bet she doesn't make all her Barbies lesbians like mine were (owing to a shortage of Ken dolls more than my latent girl-on-girl desires but ANYWAY...that's another story).

Barack Obama got the "Ba" added to his first name to make something hot-sounding like "Rack" sound more lame and terroristy, because those JIHADISTS HATE BOOBS AND WOMEN
He totally identified with Alfred Molina's wife-beating Iranian gynecologist from that movie, too. You know he did.

And speaking of misogyny, Barack Obama tried to get Reading Lolita in Tehran banned from public libraries because he thinks Iran rules.
LL Cool Jew told me that he hates on The Kite Runner something serious, too.

In keeping with his Persophilia, Barack Obama reads Ahmadinejad's blog every day and believes the Holocaust is a myth. Moreover, he wants to reopen Buchenwald in Boca Raton, Florida.

I can't really fault him for the Ahmadinejad's blog-reading, because that shit is hilarious. However, the whole Holocaust myth business is pretty shady, as is that business about wanting to reopen concentration camps in the U.S. of A. LL Cool Jew told me that, and she's my resident Druish expert, so it's got to be one of the gravest true lies I'm advocating here. From there, it's just a short intellectual leap to OBAMA IS A NAZI! Yes, a terrorist Muslim Nazi! TRUST.

Barack Obama only ran for the U.S. Senate AFTER he was rejected by Hamas for suicide bombing detail.

That's Obama in militant suicide bomber drag at his audition. He decided not to go the pretend woman route once he embarked on his career in U.S. politics, because all the people who will believe the bullshit I'm writing here now hate so hard on the gays. It was a wise move.

Barack Obama is actually the urinating man known only by the moniker "daddy" from the infamous sex tape that was the impetus for R. Kelly's child porn trial


I and the R. Kelly defense team told you that, per the now-infamous "Shaggy Defense," it wasn't Kells. You caught him on the counter? It wasn't Kells. You saw him bangin' on the sofa? It wasn't Kells. He even hit it in the shower? It wasn't Kells...it was BARACK OBAMA! Case closed!

This is fun and I could continue this all day, but I have to get to lab. Luckily, there's enough dumbasses out there to ensure that my new totally made-up charges will be discussed on cable news for the next week. I can just see the pundits on FOX News now, discussing how "a blogger charges that Obama may be the man in the R. Kelly sex tape" or "questions have come up on the blogosphere about Michelle Obama's possible adulterous leanings" or whatever. God bless the stupidity of the average American, because I'm going to be swimming in traffic and laughing all the way to the damn bank. I hope for change in my pocketses, and that's exactly what Barack Obama is going to give to me. Thank you, Senator Obama!

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# posted by Razzy @ 6:05 AM 8 Comments Links to this post

Friday, May 23, 2008

 

Boomers: The Wackest Generation

Like everyone else, I was saddened to learn this week of Sen. Ted Kennedy's cancer diagnosis. But I have a terrible confession. Inwardly, I experienced an undeniable, haughty jubilation. "That's right, Boomers," I thought. "Your era is coming to an end." Across the nation, aghast, stricken Boomers clumsily BlackBerry'd each other the news after retreating to the executive washroom to stare at themselves in the mirror and, perhaps for the very first time, contemplate their own mortality. Yes, Boomers – you never thought it possible while slinging mud at Woodstock or jumping the barricades at the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention, but YOU TOO WILL DIE!
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As a Gen-Xer, of course I realize that my parents are Boomers, as are my beloved husband's beloved parents, as are Razzy's and etc. Duh, I don't want them to die! Individually, we love our Boomers – but as a demographic, THEY ARE SO ANNOYING! Here's why:

They refuse to admit they ARE The Establishment.
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Yeah, that's right. What, you think that what little remains of the enfeebled World War II generation is still running this bitch? No, the world is racing against the clock to collect their oral histories before the last few of them start pushing up daisies. Just because you aren't rocking humongous Watergate-hearings-style, black-rimmed Coke-bottle glasses and grumbling about "kids these days" doesn't mean you haven't yourselves become The Man. Nothing chaps my ass quite like a rich, powerful boomer airing out his liberal laundry and railing against "out-of-touch politicians in Washington" or "greedy corporate pigs." Know who those folks are, dude? They aren'ts your parents' generation, because face it -- they're either invalid or dead. THE ESTABLISHMENT IS YOU, BOOMERS. You.

They refuse to retire.
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Despite their visceral hatred for The Establishment, boomers demonstrate little to no interest in relinquishing their death grip on their cushy jobs bossing the rest of us around. Not only do they want to keep working past retirement age, those that do decide to hang it up are all too often followed by members of the seemingly endless boomer depth chart. They're like shark's teeth - there's always another waiting in the background to replace them. This leaves those of us 40 and under to wallow in the ranks of white-collar, low-to-mid-pay-grade servitude, waiting haplessly for the strapping boomers ahead of us to decide they'd like to take up wood-turning in lieu of work, since their sweet health insurance plans keep them strong as bulls. For the love of all things sacred, boomers, take your cue from Dennis Hopper already and RETIRE! Jump out of planes, ski the Swiss alps, take a hot-air balloon tour over wine country or whatever the hell else you think is awesome - God knows you can afford it!

They like to boast inappropriately and unimpressively about their crazy college days and "drug phase(s)."
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Gotta love a boomer who freaks out and stages an intervention when his college-aged children get busted for pot possession by Dartmouth campus police, then in the next breath breaks into a gasconade about their mind-blowing, Carlos Castaneda-inspired peyote odysseys on the Hopi Reservation back in '72. You know who's taken aback by your forays into the world of hallucinogens? Your parents. Guess what? They're dead. Everyone younger than you thinks those grainy YouTube vids of hippie boomers dancing horrifically while blasted out of their minds on weak LSD are totally f'ing pathetic. You could never do as many drugs as Lil' Wayne or the incredible walking crack ho Amy Winehouse. How are we supposed to even be fazed by your wack nuggets of fake-me-out druggie nostalgia? You sent us to private school, remember (how progressive of you!)? Thanks to the spoiled, rich friends we made there, we surpassed your level of drug experience by sophomore year and STILL got straight As. Do you hear us bragging about it??

They have propagated the taking-over of university buildings as a means of protest.
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Am I the only one who is already completely f'ing bored by the constant "this day in 1968" 40th-anniversary boomer nostalgia news stories that have become totally ubiquitous? My (least) favorite so far was presented recently by NPR "All Things Considered" host and uber-boomer Robert Siegel, and focused on the taking-over of several Columbia University buildings in order to protest the Vietnam War. In addition to being pissed about gym construction in a local park, "Members of the radical group Students for a Democratic Society opposed Columbia's ties to a think tank involved in weapons research for the Vietnam War," the story explained. "Mark Rudd, then-chairman of Columbia's SDS chapter, tied the two issues together, saying at the time that students would not attend a university that exploited black people and developed weapons to kill them and murder the Vietnamese. 'I see it as part of the enormous part of the anti-Vietnam War movement involving millions of people,' says Rudd, a retired math teacher who lived underground as a revolutionary for seven years. 'We stopped a war of aggression.'" DID YOU? FOR REALS? According to my feeble GenX memory, the Vietnam War ended in 1975, fully seven years after your slumber party at the dean's office. NICE WORK! Seems to me the war ended whenever the president f'ing felt like it. Now, forty years later, your big legacy on this front is that idiot college students will take over a building for any damn reason. How the hell is shutting down College Hall at Smith going to help Mumia Abu-Jamal in any form or fashion?

They are completely clueless about sex.
Much like their boastful prattling about drugs, boomers love to be "cool" about sex. Premarital sex, nonmonogamous sex, outdoor sex, oh my! Y'all were real sexual deviants. Problem is, since they can't be bothered to see past their own graying wangs, boomers have failed to keep pace with modern developments in sexual behavior and identity. This is best demonstrated by a trip to a boomer shrink, as Razzy recently discovered. It doesn't matter if the visit was prompted by your concerns with how much you drink or an unexpected death in the family - tell a boomer shrink you've dated a chick and the conversation cannot be re-railed. Since they are incapable of believing a queer person can be emotionally stable - that queerness can prompt anything but confusion, isolation, and/or self-hatred - you're forced to spend way too much of your expensive-ass 45 minutes convincing your all-knowing boomer shrink that no, you actually don't have any problem with your sexual orientation. "Impossible," the boomer shrink insists. "After all, I made vicious fun of fellow students I suspected were gay in high school and only recently realized it made me hip and with-it to have a couple of gay friends. And that 'Will & Grace' is so funny! But I digress...surely you've considered suicide at least three or four times. Queer people aren't HAPPY. You haven't considered suicide? Well...shouldn't you, now?" Yes, doc. Sitting in your office at this moment, it's true, I do in fact wish I were dead. Now write me a goddamn prescription.

They are the most offensive Obamamaniacs because they take personal credit for his candidacy.
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Boomers are at their worst when en route to the Obama rally. As a friend of mine sagely observed after a recent such gathering in Oregon, the crowds resembled a "glorious-dear-leader" third-world throng. Since the boomers in attendance couldn't be bothered to mingle with the hoi polloi, many of them chose to take in the message of Hope and Change from the comfort of their kayaks. From their coastal enclaves, liberal boomers are smiling and slowly nodding with self-satisfaction as they watch Obama's Hitler Jugend-style supporters flip the fuck out like they were at a Miley Cyrus concert. Not only are boomers convinced they are personally and individually responsible for the fact that a black guy is being taken seriously as a presidential candidate, they also think they can be rejuvenated by voting for Obama because their kids are into him. A couple of glasses of Prosecco into a recent dinner with a couple of my mom's lady boomer friends who were in town for Jazz Fest, one of them declared to me, "You young people are for him, all of you are behind him, it's so inspiring, who am I to stand in your way?"  

"I voted for Hillary in the primary," I deadpanned, precipitating an uncomfortable silence. That's right - even a boomer candidate is better than a boomer fad.

They're going to cost us the goddamn farm, y'all.
There are just so many of them, and they're going to live 10 or 20 years longer than our grandparents did. So while you're pumping your meager savings into your own 401k, convinced as we all are that it will not be augmented by payments from the Social Security fund into which we've been practically hemorrhaging tax dollars out of our paychecks, it's probably not a bad idea to set some of your nonexistant riches aside for the in-law apartment you're going to need next to your kids' rooms. Because - God love 'em - the boomers will be moving in before long, but not before they blow their entire savings on SUVs and NFL season tickets and Mediterranean cruises.

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# posted by LL Cool Jew @ 11:59 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

 

Experience does matter

In this election, I keep hearing a lot of the same political buzzwords/phrases.  Last night, Chris Matthews alone probably set a record for using the term "kitchen sink strategy" in any single broadcast.  Another thing I hear is a lot of prognosticating about experience and who is prepared to "answer that phone call in the White House at 3 a.m."  Both Hillary and Obama have used this expression in speeches and pundits use it every time the issue of experience comes up.  It turns out Hillary might actually come out the decisive winner when it comes to phone answering, because I just got the following visual evidence from a concerned Razzyphile that Obama may be too inexperienced to handle even that presidential duty:

Look at the clock behind Obama.  It's THREE O'CLOCK!  Hillary may be on to something when she questions whether he is "tested and ready" to answer the phone at 3 a.m., because according to this photo, he was tested, and he FAILED.  Even worse, he doesn't seem to realize he's using the phone incorrectly, because he appears to be in the midst of delivering some stirring rhetoric about hope and change.   Hillary's campaign people need to get this picture to the press STAT, because this is a winning kitchen sink strategy if I ever saw one.

[RAZZY Edit: The Razzyphile who sent me this just e-mailed advising me that this is a straight-up Photoshop job.  Damn.  I knew it was too good to be true.  That's some great Photoshopping though, on par with the picture of Harry Potter's dick that I posted awhile back.  Kudos to whoever did that.]

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# posted by Razzy @ 10:42 AM 0 Comments Links to this post
 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: John McCain (R-AZ)...AGAIN



Name: John Sidney McCain III

DOB: August 29, 1936

Occupation: U.S. senator, Republican presidential nominee

Hometown: Coco-Solo Naval Air Base

Current residence: the national stage

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Last night, John McCain clinched the Republican nomination and sent Huckabee back to Bible camp.  YES!  Not everyone was as excited about this as myself.  I spoke to my father on the phone for awhile, and when he was asking me if I was for Hillary or Obama, I said, "Dad, I've told you before: I'm voting for John McCain."

"I thought you were kidding," he said.

"No!  I love McCain, Dad!  I'm voting for McCain.  Now that he's won the nomination, I am voting McCain for sure.  Really!"

After a moment of silence, he said, "Your mother and I didn't raise you to be a Republican."  My dad says "Republican" the same way one might say "Nazi."

"I'm not!  I'm an independent!  It's just that in this election I'm voting for McCain.  I'm a libertarian."  Being a Republican in our household is tantamount to being gay in the Rev. Fred Phelps's house, and I guess I'm just not quite ready to come out.

"Then vote for the Libertarian party!"

"I can't, Dad.  I'm not for disbanding public schools.  The Libertarian party is all into that.  I'm a moderate libertarian."  My father is a public school teacher.  Besides the Iraq War, mentioning No Child Left Behind is the quickest way to work him into paroxysms of Bush hatred, so at least we could find common ground on not voting for a candidate that would put him out of a job.

"You voted for the Libertarian in the last election, Razzy," my father reminded me.

"Yes, but that's only because I couldn't stand to vote for either Kerry or Bush."  It's true that my hatred of both major party candidates in the last election caused me to vote for Michael Badnarik, skydiving badass.

"Well, no daughter of mine should be voting McCain," he said.  Luckily at that point, my father got tired of bitching at me about McCain and started complaining instead about how he couldn't become a "real" Catholic because he's too lazy to take the RCIA classes necessary to officially convert from Lutheranism, and how he has to get his gallbladder taken out.  I was relieved.

While I have no doubt that as the election draws nearer, my father and many other of my friends and loved ones are going to come down hard on me for liking John McCain, but much like McCain himself, I don't give a fuck.  My father can insinuate that I'm a disgrace to the family, Benzo can write blog posts to his heart's content about how McCain is George W. Bush 2.0, and virtually every single one of my friends can lament my going over to the Dark Side of the Force.  I love John McCain, and now it's official that I am going to get to vote for his straight-talking hotness.  And as long as Hillary and Obama continue to tear each other to pieces, by the time one of them gets the Democratic nomination, the Democrats' inability to agree, unite, and rally will per usual ensure that McCain wins the general election just like he's taken the primary circuit by storm.  JOHN!  MC!  CAIN!  JOHN! MC! CAIN! 

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# posted by Razzy @ 7:43 AM 6 Comments Links to this post

Sunday, March 02, 2008

 

Stick a fork in her

...because Hillary Clinton is DONE. Last night she went on "Saturday Night Live" in a desperate last-ditch attempt to court votes before Tuesday's primaries. This bitch will be withdrawing Tuesday night...TRUST!

Anyway, I guess I give some props to Senator Clinton for actually laughing at herself a little bit, but that's the only good thing I can say about this skit. "Saturday Night Live" is tanking harder than Hillary's bid for the Democratic nomination. They haven't had anything funny since the "Dick in a Box" song.

I didn't laugh once during this entire ordeal, and "ordeal" is an appropriate term, because I literally felt as though I was summoning reserves of courage I didn't know I had to endure the entire thing. Tim Russert and Brian Williams's actual debate coverage is more entertaining than this supposedly hilarious spoof on the same. I was hanging on to the hope that "okay, SOMETHING funny is going to happen...any time now...," only to have that hope dashed when the real Hillary Clinton came on and proceeded to make more lame jokes. At that point I just resigned myself to having lost nine minutes and 47 seconds of my life.

If there's anything worse than Hillary whining about being screwed over by the woman-hating media, it's watching her attempt pitifully to lampoon it as an excuse to say "Live from New York, it's SATURDAY NIGHT!" The only thing that could make me like this is if she follows it up with a campaign withdrawal speech on Tuesday along the lines of, "Live from Texas/Ohio, it's CONGRATULATIONS, SENATOR OBAMA!"

I am not amused.

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# posted by Razzy @ 11:30 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Friday, February 29, 2008

 

From one woman to another, STFU Hillary!

A while back, I douchebagged all the whiny women's organizations that were bitching because Hillary Clinton is getting owned by Barack Obama on account of her female gender. I have no problems with people making legitimate complaints about sex discrimination, but in Hillary's case, it sounds to me like a big bunch of sour grapes. Oh, boo hoo, Hillary is an unlikable, two-faced, lying bitch with bad taste in power pantsuits...she's being DISCRIMINATED against, because there's no way that Barack Obama's comparatively good looks and charming rhetoric about change and vision could possibly seduce the American constituency more than her record of corruption and dishonesty! If I weren't voting for septugenarian stud Senator John McCain, I'd vote for Obama based on looks alone.

Obama may not know what the fuck he's doing, but he's a lot more hittable than Hillary and you haven't heard him doing much whining...and if anyone has cause to complain about discrimination or unfair press, it's him. I haven't seen any major media outlets constantly subtly implying that Hillary is a terrorist.

Now, it seems that Hillary is adding her own voice to the shrewish cacophony of busted, pleated pant-wearing old feminists complaining about being politically undermined by her lack of a Y chromosome...sort of. In an interview with ABC's "Nightline," Hillary said:
"I think women just sort of shake their head," Clinton continued. "My friends do. They say, 'Oh, my gosh, this is so hard.' Well, it's supposed to be hard. I'm running for the hardest job in the world. No one has ever done this. No woman has ever won a presidential primary before I won New Hampshire. This is hard. And I don't expect any sympathy, I don't expect any kind of, you know, allowances or special privileges, because I knew what I was getting myself into.

"Every so often I just wish that it were a little more of an even playing field," she said, "but, you know, I play on whatever field is out there."
I can think of at least one woman who is shaking her head for an entirely different reason: ME. I am not feeling sympathetic "oh, Hillary has it so hard" thoughts. This statement is straight out of the Seven Sisters College Handbook for Backhanded Self-Validation. Nothing annoys me more than some broad rattling off a list of her perceived feminist triumphs to qualify what breaks down to "oh, poor me" self-pity. Note her skill at acknowledging that she doesn't expect "allowances or special privileges" to mitigate the self-indulgent qualities of her complaints that she's losing. If you get distracted by caring about Hillary's feelings, you might almost be tricked into thinking that in spite of being a young, relatively inexperienced black man with a jihadist-sounding name that the media eagerly misappropriates for purposes of racist fearmongering, Obama's campaign has been a cakewalk compared to the trials that Hillary has suffered. Excuse me, bitch, but you started your campaign raising more money than any of the other candidates in your party and having your husband AKA the most beloved Democrat since John F. Kennedy stumping for you, and you still fucking blew it. SHUT UP about the playing field being even. Last time I checked, there was a difference between fucking up and getting unfairly screwed over. Just because this scheme didn't go as well as your nefarious cornering of the cattle futures market back in your Whitewater days doesn't mean that the deck was stacked against you.

I am getting really tired of this sexism crap. Hillary is a victim of her own backfiring political strategies, not some nebulous patriarchal conspiracy designed to keep a woman out of power. Of course I hate it when women get legitimately shafted. On occasions where I've been treated unfairly because of my gender, I get outraged, and it happens more than you might think. People take a look at me, see a petite blonde with her tits hanging out of her shirt, and talk to me like I'm a moron. Even worse, this is usually done by other women. One time the Chief Business Officer of the company I used to work for called me into her office and basically called me a slut for wearing shirts that were "too fitted" for her tastes (this was one of those hookers who still rocked a perm and blazers with shoulder pads in 2002; she was later fired for trying to embezzle $50 grand in unaccounted travel reimbursements). I pointed out that some of my male colleagues wore Grateful Dead shirts that hadn't been washed since before Jerry Garcia died to work that were far less professional than my tailored V-necks. She explained that "this isn't about men, it's about you," and further insulted me by framing this as some kind of constructive career advice. Since she thought I had "potential to achieve," I'd better cover up so as not to threaten other women by enticing the boys with any hint that I might have a hot rack. I told her that my breasts should have nothing to do with my ability to expand T cells ex vivo. I then bitched about this to my (male) boss over beers, he agreed this was discriminatory since our company didn't have a dress code, told the CEO, and the CEO apparently reamed her out about "sexually harassing" valued employees for no reason other than being a jealous hater. I should add that this same corrupt, Razzy-hating CBO was incorrigibly flirtatious with many of the men around the office and installed her twenty-five-year-old boytoy as a "consultant" (translation: doing Google searches for her while billing the company $300 an hour) while she was busy railing against my pro ho outfits and complaining about some of the mothers in our office taking too much maternity leave. This evil CBO perpetrated greater insults against professional women than anything that I've seen happen to Hillary in this campaign, and I'm not complaining that I got screwed because of it. In fact, I'm still showing my tits and having a good time doing it.

Fuck complaining...I am getting a doctorate from an Ivy League grad school and that bitch is unemployed! I win again and as usual!

Incidents like that anecdotal tale of myself and the sexist woman-hating-woman executive certainly suck, but they are nothing any self-respecting professional bitch should spend her time grousing about. The reason those things happen is that people think innately that different standards about character, sexuality, and personality apply to women. However, the only way to change that innate thinking is not for prominent women to grovel and cry and validate ideas that women are weak, emotional, pitiful creatures, but to rise above it and take responsibility for failures as well as successes. Hillary pandering shamelessly for sympathy towards her mostly non-existent plight is disingenuous and anti-feminist, in that it reinforces ideas that women can't own up to their own incompetency. As my old Smith professor Saratoga120 says, "Feminism will have achieved its goals when there are as many mediocre women in positions of power as there are men." Feminism clearly has a way to go.

I need to hurry up and turn 35 so I can show this dumb twat how to really run a presidential campaign. RAZZY 2016!!!!!! In the meantime, go McCain!

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# posted by Razzy @ 9:05 AM 6 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

 

My name is Razzy, and I am a Republican

A lot of my friends have been wondering why I'm so pro-McCain. Because I'm socially very liberal in my beliefs, they just can't fathom why I would vote for a conservative Republican. Some people have chalked this up to my desire to be a contrarian asshole, and I'd be lying if I didn't say this was partly true. Philosophically, I'm a moderate libertarian. I believe that the government should be very small, taxes should be extremely low, and the only thing that our elected officials should be worried about are maintaining basic infrastructure and the military. I don't think the government has any business legislating morality or making exceptions to the civil liberties guaranteed in our Constitution. I also think that the economy should be as free-market as it can get. Therefore, I don't vote based on social issues. I vote for people who have a conservative, pro-business voting record and who make an effort to eliminate corruption and graft from Washington. Thus...John McCain.

There are a lot of things I'm not crazy about with regard to Senator McCain. I'm certainly not wild about his affiliating himself with Bush for political reasons, but I take comfort in knowing that the Jesus freak neo-cons in the Republican party hate his hot liver-spotty ass. I'd certainly rather support a more fiscally conservative war hero than a spend-happy socialist like Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. I think the poster that Scores hung up in honor of Presidents' Day says it all (and note...Scores, a world-famous strip club, isn't discriminating against Hillary for her female gender):

I don't really know how Bloomberg got in there since he's not even technically running (yet) other than via wishful thinking by New Yorkers, but I have to say that a McCain-Bloomberg ticket is way more appealing to me than a Clinton-Obama (or vice-versa) ticket. Business would boom (thus creating jobs and helping our flagging economy) and America wouldn't be spending $500-800 billion we don't have on unproven social programs and tax cuts which may not even be implementable. In fact, this past Sunday morning I realized that I truly am a fiscal Republican when I was having sex to "The Cost of Freedom" business block on Fox News and I actually got turned on listening to Neil Cavuto and friends slam Obama for his demonization of corporate interests and recommending that you pad your kids' college funds with tobacco company stocks. I plan to buy my NFL team based on the record profits of the biotech empire I'm going to found, and I can't do that without the Bush tax cuts in place. So fuck off, Obama, you price-controlling, NAFTA-hating, over-regulating, anti-capitalist pinko!

Furthering my disdain for Barack Obama was a shot that I saw from the Houston Fox affiliate of a local Obama campaign office. I was appalled:

Yes, that's right...Obama's people hung up a Cuban flag emblazoned with the iconic portrait of Che Guevara so favored by pseudo-intellectual hipsters buying faux vintage shirts at Urban Outfitters. Good thinking, Obama staffers. At least now I'm clear on what's underlying Obama's fluent and insubstantial rhetoric: a desire to emulate a communist revolutionary who facilitated Castro's rise to power by executing hundreds of political dissidents without a trial. I was confused about what kind of "change" Obama was advocating, but now I know that in addition to promising a whole lot of vaguely elucidated reforms our country can't afford, he encourages people to find hope and inspiration in a socialist who spent the majority of his life fomenting bloody guerrilla wars. I especially like the peace sign flag that Obama's people have hung alongside the Che flag. Nothing says "peace" like a guy who was basically a mercenary specializing in violent political upheaval inclined to kill those speaking out against the policies he advocated. Either Obama's campaign is woefully ignorant of history or far more insidious than I thought. Next to this, McCain looks pretty damn solid.

I am tired of people being shocked that I am a Republican, at least in this election. I don't like hypocrites, and I don't like idiots, and McCain is less of both. So that's why I'm voting for John McCain this November (assuming he gets the nomination, which he will). I genuinely believe that he would be better for America than anyone the Democrats can offer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go listen to some Toby Keith and eat some freedom fries. John! Mc! Cain! U! S! A!

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# posted by Razzy @ 8:44 AM 8 Comments Links to this post
 

Daily Douchebag: feminist Hillary Clinton supporters


Name: various

DOB: various

Occupation: sore losers

Hometown: various

Current residence: nationwide

Douchebaggery: I knew it was only a matter of time after Hillary started to lose before the feminists started whining about how this is another example of gender discrimination. Sure enough, an article today in the Boston Globe is getting into all the whiny bitching coming out of the nation's most prominent feminist organizations.
From Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for women: "I do think at some level there is a Catch-22 for women. Showing your heart has never been a plus for high-achieving women."

From Martha Burk, chairwoman of the National Council for Women's Organizations: "She characterizes herself as being a workhorse and not a show horse. She is being punished in a certain way for being competent and not jazzy. If he (Obama) were female, with his credentials, age, and track record, I don't think he'd be anywhere near the presidency of the United States."

From Ramona Oliver, communications director of EMILY's List: "All of the substance, all of the work, all of the policies, all of the accomplishments probably don't come off as flashy. There's inspiration, and there's effectiveness."
Okay, bitches, I got it. You're pissed that Barack Obama is a hell of a lot more charming than Hillary and this is unfair because she has more experience, and this is all because she's a she. I will be the first to agree that Hillary has addressed specific policies compared to Obama's seemingly endless well of vague "hope and change" rhetoric. However, I don't think this has to do with Hillary being a woman. Hillary's supposed vast experience consists of having one more term than Obama in the Senate, and being a First Lady who managed to accomplish a whole lot of nothing in terms of health care reform. Accusations that she's being punished for being "competent" rather than "jazzy" on account of her gender are bullshit, because I wouldn't say that Hillary is competent based on her track record.

When I think of things Hillary Clinton has done, I think of her failing at fixing the clusterfuck that is our nation's health insurance system. I think of her voting for the Iraq War and then backpedaling on that position. I think of shady land deals in the Ozarks and even shadier goings-on in the cattle futures market. I think of cover-ups involving bankrupted savings and loans. I think of failures to report campaign contributions worth upwards of $800,000. I think of someone who claims to champion workers' rights, yet sat on the board of Wal-Mart--quite possibly the world's worst employer--for six years. I think of someone who blames criticism on conspiracies, rather than the result of her own fraudulent sketchiness. None of these things have anything to do with the fact that Senator Clinton is rocking a pair of X chromosomes. These things have everything to do with the fact that she is an unscrupulous liar, and all the specifics on her policy positions in the world can't change that.

Clinton isn't losing to Obama because of gender discrimination, and it annoys me to no end that bitches are saying this is the case. I think it's gender discrimination to suggest that the American public should overlook Hillary's "experience" at being involved in all sorts of eyebrow-raising shenanigans simply because she is a woman. Should female candidates be exempt from criticism of their records simply because they are female? I don't think so. The last time I checked, feminism was supposed to ensure that women are equal to men, not given special privileges.

I am no fan of Barack Obama because he writes a whole lot of gigantic checks that his ass won't be able to cash with every inspiring rally. However, it's hardly sexist that he has managed to outpeddle his bullshit platform to the American public compared to Hillary. Her so-called "accomplishments" are the very reason that Democrats would rather vote Obama. They don't want more of Hillary's corrupt politics-as-usual. They want someone who is going to change things, and that is what Obama is selling. Hillary isn't failing to galvanize new followers because of her gender. She is failing to rally support because she is duplicitous and sneaky, and all the boring, policy-heavy speeches in the world aren't going to make voters forget that.

I think it's a waste of time for these women's organizations to crow about how Hillary is getting shafted and if Obama were a woman, he wouldn't be anywhere near where he is because of a lack of substance. Hypothetical musing over whether Obama would succeed with a set of tits is irrelevant and pointless, and ultimately insulting to female voters who go with Obama or anyone else (like the hotness known as Senator John McCain). It suggests that chicks who don't automatically back Hillary because of her gender are either ignorant or stupid tools of the patriarchy who don't know what's best for them and are easily tricked by a flashy show rather than impressed by a candidate's record. I would argue that if Hillary is losing the support of women or any other group of voters, it's because of her record and her "substance," not in spite of it.

This also reminds me of why I never pay attention to anything preached by groups like the National Organization for Women. I don't need to hear passive-aggressive lectures about voting for a woman because I'm a woman delivered in the form of a whiny, unsupported complaint about sexism. In the immortal words of Trina, "you bitches got too much times on your hand." Grow up and accept that Hillary is going to lose to Obama because all the "substance" and "experience" she brings is tremendously unappealing to many people, not because she's yet another broad hitting a "glass ceiling" or suffering discrimination. Karma's a bitch, and so is Hillary, judging by her record.


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# posted by Razzy @ 6:51 AM 3 Comments Links to this post

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