Tuesday, November 11, 2008
With virology, anything is possible
Thursday night television is really a great conduit for my rage. All night there's something on TV for me to utterly hate. At eight, we have a double dose of "Ugly Betty" and "Smallville," followed by an hour of stupid Seattle surgical sex drama on "Gay's Shitnatomy." Now that I know the producers of this broadcast spunktrap (my new favorite word) are total lesbian-hating homophobes, "Gay's Shitnatomy" may as well be the proposition 8 of primetime television. I also especially want nothing to do with any type of drama involving science. On CBS there is some shitshow called "Eleventh Hour" that looks a lot like that "Fringe" trash on Fox, except it doesn't have Pacey from "Dawson's Creek" in it. There's a freaky, borderline autistic yet obnoxiously arrogant scientist who knows everything about everything in spite of the fact that his hypotheses are ill-informed and he can't bother to run a single fucking control on any of his poorly designed attempts at experimental science. Somehow this ass-clown got a job with the FBI despite having zero social skills (which, one could argue, makes him far better suited for academia) and competence only in the area of insufferable scientastic gibberish, and he's in charge of solving any X-Files-type crap that should arise.
Last Thursday, I was busy working (hence no updates in a week...sorry, dudes, it's been a rough week) and texting (unfortunately, my primary means of communication these days) and turned on the TV for some background noise. Apparently I turned on this "Eleventh Hour" crap, because I was jerked away from my attention to rhinovirus 1A sequence data on my laptop when I heard the following words issue from my television:
"With virology, anything is possible."
Virology? On TV?! That hardly ever happens! Despite the fact that viruses impact all our lives on every level, from the cold that infects us to the HIV epidemic that burdens our global economy, most people don't find viruses sexy or interesting enough for primetime. They certainly don't find virologists to be a component of engaging television programming, so I was slightly shocked to see that CBS not only had that hot swarthy guy from The Mummy and Resident Evil: Apocalypse playing a virologist, he was waxing poetic about the grand potential for a career in virology. I got momentarily excited.
My excitement, unfortunately, was short-lived. Almost immediately Annoying Know-It-All Doctor Guy started having a conversation with the Hot Swarthy Virologist that made my blood boil with rage at the piss-poor fact-checking on the part of the "Eleventh Hour" writers. They were talking about how some terrorist or something made a chimeric virus out of adenovirus (another cause of the common cold, although not NEARLY as hot as rhinovirus) and variola, which is better known as smallpox. Supposedly this was done to make smallpox airborne, like the common cold. Too bad this is unnecessary because a simple Wikipedia search would have informed Hot Swarthy Virologist that variola is already transmitted by the airborne route. Frankly, if he's the "Head of Virology" somewhere, he should know that anyway. It certainly would save him all the time and trouble of making an adeno-poxvirus chimera that is unnecessary and after all the tedious cloning required to construct such a thing, probably wouldn't even be infectious. If you're such a crack virologist that "anything is possible" on your watch, then maybe it would be possible to learn how to pronounce "adenovirus" correctly, you loser!
This annoyed me because there are way more pressing issues in the field of virology that people should know about. I don't like shows coming along that confuse people with a lot of scientastic, impossible, pointless bullshit when there are more pressing virology-related issues to address. In fact, while I was busy fucking around with virus sequence data and getting pissed at the scientific implausibility of "Eleventh Hour" episode plots, I was also trying to improve public health by educating a concerned layman. Specifically, I was discussing diseases that one might get from banging porn stars. I was texting back and forth with my ex-boyfriend Benzo about whether or not the Daily Kos is full of self-congratulating jerkoffs when he got sick of arguing with me and decided to switch to a topic we both enjoyed discussing: pornography. It seems Benzo has recently discovered the many talents of one Miss Flower Tucci, the star of cinematic masterpieces such as Flower's Squirt Shower vols. 1-6, Jam It all the Way Up my Ass, Can a Brotha Get a Squirt?, Viagra Falls, Squirt in my Gape 2, and White Butts Drippin' Chocolate Nuts, to name a few. Here she is, dressed in finery reflecting the elegance and sophistication befitting an anally inclined female ejaculation specialist like Flower:
I've always been somewhat intrigued by Flower because the girl has a fucking firehose in her vagina. I've personally female ejaculated a couple times, but it's always been really random. I couldn't really associate it with any sort of particularly amazing or distinctive sex. It just happened and I have not figured out how to do it on cue, much less with anywhere near the volume and force someone like Flower Tucci achieves on a regular basis. I'm pretty comfortable with my body and generally very aware of how it works, but that's one of the few aspects of my sexuality that remains shrouded in mystery for me. However, clearly Flower has knowledge more advanced than I because the woman has mastered the craft. She's so infamous for her squirting talents that she even engaged another squirting pornstar, Cytherea, in the porn star equivalent of a 2Pac vs. Biggie style beef over who could get the most distance. This is a level of sexual competence above and beyond what most people can even imagine, and it's hardly surprising that even veteran porn viewers like Benzo and myself would be impressed by it. However, the price of porn is often infection, and as I pointed out to Benzo, I don't think from a virological perspective it's a very good idea to take a faceful of Flower's squirt.
Benzo: Oh by the way, what do you think of pornstar flower tucci?Benzo: She's a squirter!Razzy: Oh i know who she is! famous ass, loves anal, and can squirt 100 feet. But i find her striking because she looks a lot like (this girl who went to college with me)!Benzo: Ooooh that kinda ruins it for me. Although (this girl) was physically hot I felt she always came off in a non-sexual manner.Razzy: Yeah me too! I imagined she was always busier smoking joints than smoking poles.Benzo: Now flower looks like the kind of girl that might fuck you to death!! A wet death! :-)Razzy: Truly. Flower is no joke.Benzo: I'm not sure why flower is sooo hot but she's a slut and she's hot!! Anal and squirting don't bother me at all.Razzy: Nor I. I'd just think she was hotter if i didn't think of (this girl) chuckling that 'heh heh heh' stoner laugh at (this girl's ex) every time i see herBenzo: Now that's funny, (this girl's ex) used to stop in at my old job and see meRazzy: Not really something you want to masturbate to, thoughBenzo: That dependsRazzy: And how can you argue with fact? (This girl) is no flower tucci.Benzo: No argument. I'd let flower fuck me before I fucked (this girl)!Razzy: You know, though, flower probably has the herp. Almost all pornstars do. Now known thanks to an outbreak belladonna myspace blogged aboutBenzo: Yeah, that's why you j/o to porn and fuck real girls w/ rubbers. In nyc you can find a "pornstar" experience any night. Nut you've got to wrap it.Razzy: As lil wayne says, 'better wear a latex, so you don't get that late text, that i-think-i'm-late text.' Equally bad is the 'call me ron mexico' text.Benzo: Yeah...blah, blah! Lil wayne blows.Benzo: Having said that, I would still love to hook up with Flower TucciRazzy: You can still get herpes with a condom, ESPECIALLY during anal and doing stuff like getting squirted directly on a mucosal surfaceBenzo: Damn science...such a dick limper!Benzo: But only during an outbreak right??Razzy: Usually, but you often cant tell just by looking. And ppl can still shed virus between outbreaks. Getting anything on your mucosa is asking for troubleBenzo: Fair enough, I'll tell flower that we're off for dinner this weekend. I won't even eat her ass.Razzy: Yeah, she'll be disappointed. But i bet your girlfriend will be glad she's on ass-eating detail instead of flowerBenzo: She will be
A little more investigation confirmed that indeed Flower has starred alongside the 2007 "Dirtiest Girl in Porn" Belladonna herself in 5 different movies. About a year ago, Belladonna confirmed that not only is this title accurate because she can do things like deep throat all eleven inches of Lexington Steele's penis and get assfucked by baseball bats, but because she had a vicious outbreak of the herp all over her infamous ass. She said she was planning to retire, then changed her mind because in her words, "Dude, there's no way I can not be in that scene sucking that dick." Since her retracted herpes-based retirement, Belladonna has starred in Belladonna: Manhandled 3, Belladonna's Cock Pigs, Belladonna's Cock Happy 2, Belladonna's Fucking Girls 6, Defend Our Porn, Discovering Alexis Texas, Pirates II, and Strap-On Chicks 20. In the course of filming these eight cinematic classics, probably at least 20 actors/actresses were exposed to Bella's herpes. When you consider that she claims to have been infected in 2002 and she has starred in over 200 films since then, it's a wonder that there are any porn stars who aren't spreading the simplex. Considering Flower's professional associations with Belladonna, it's hard to imagine her signature squirting as anything but a gushing torrent of infectious herp. Probably some papillomaviruses too, since Flower starred in an orgy scene in Fashionistas Safado: The Challenge with Sasha Grey, who is rumored to take long career breaks due to recurrent anal warts.
According to hot, swarthy fake virologists the sky's the limit for crafting scary bioweapons with nature's coolest intracellular obligate parasites, but I'd be far more wary of Flower Tucci's ejaculate than some sort of made-up super smallpox (that isn't all that different from regular smallpox). While anything might be possible with virology, it's a lot more probable that it's just going to make your porn a little less fun to watch knowing that everyone starring in a given scene is popping an industrial-sized dose of Valtrex and rubbing Herpecin on their genitalia before the camera starts rolling.
Labels: Benzo, epidemic geekery, perversion, porn, science, TV, viruses rule
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Jon Lester
DOB: January 7, 1984
Occupation: pitcher for the Boston Red Sox
Hometown: Puyallup, Washington AKA MY HOMETOWN
Current residence: Boston, Assachusetts
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Much as I'm loath to give "Daily Dude" status to any jackass in a Red Sox uniform, I can't sit idly by and not give a shout-out to Jon Lester, current baseball pride of the P-N-Dub. Like me, he was born and raised in beautiful Puyallup, Washington, and also like me, he went to Bellarmine Preparatory School in Tacoma, Washington (LION PRIDE, BABY!). In 2006, he beat lymphoma, in 2007 he pitched the final (winning) game of the World Series, and just this Monday, he pitched a no-hitter against the Royals. He's the first left-handed Red Sox pitcher to do so since 1956, and the 18th pitcher in team history to do so.
Being in such limited company in Red Sox record books is certainly impressive. The Red Sox may as well be a damn geologic formation, their history is so epic. Back when I was dating Benzo, all I ever heard about was bitching and moaning about how somehow the Red Sox got screwed out of this or that X times since 1901 or whenever. In fact, three years of sleeping with a diehard Red Sox-loving native Masshole resulted in my absolutely HATING them. On the rare occasions that Benzo and I fought, it usually had something to do with the Red Sox. The only time he ever hung up on me was when I said "How about those Indians?" after Cleveland knocked the Sox out of the American League divisional playoffs in 1998. Another time that we went to see the Mariners play the Sox at Fenway, he was a bitchy grouch the entire ride back to Northampton after the game because the Mariners had the audacity to win. As far as I'm concerned, the Red Sox are harbingers of NO SEX, and there's nothing hot about that.
However, since Jon Lester is blessing Red Sox Nation with his Puyallup-bred and Bellarmine-honed pitching style, I have to begrudgingly admit that there's at least one stud worthy of my approval in a Boston uniform. It could be a lot worse; he could play for the Yankees, in which case, he'd be beyond redemption. At least this way, those of us born doing the Puyallup can finally have some self-respect and brag about a professional athlete whose name doesn't end in "Huard." Okay, fine, nobody was bragging about them anyway. Except when I wear my dad's old Brock Huard Seahawks jersey to bed, but since I only do that when nobody is around to see, that hardly counts as "bragging."
Labels: Assachusetts, Benzo, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Do the Puyallup, fuck the Yankees, sportsmen
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Political Cynicism
Yesterday during Razzy's eloquent "douchebagging" of Chris Mathews she mentioned that she thinks Brack Obama's tongue would be better used for fellatio then spewing forth campaign promises that he would inevitably not be able to keep. Political cynicism is nothing new to Americans. Name the last President not caught in a major boldface lie or scandal. Bush-Iraq, Clinton- Lewinsky, Bush Sr. - "no new taxes", Reagan- Iran-Contra, ok Carter. Carter (and for that matter, Gerald Ford) were both guys without major scandals or lies. However, both were completely ineffective presidents. Saddled with a weak economy and the blowback of decades of United States involvement in Iran, Carter was crushed by a number of bad decisions. He was not a liar, but he was a weak president. Ford is still the only completely unelected president in U.S. history. He was never even the vice-president on the ballot. He was appointed vice-president by Nixon after Spiro Agnew was forced to resign amid a number of scandals. Ford then ascended to the Presidency after Nixon resigned amid Watergate. Ford had a largely unspectacular presidency that lasted under 3 years. Nixon had Watergate, Johnson and Kennedy had Vietnam and the Cubans. I could go on.
The point is that in this election there are two people that have different ideological viewpoints but represent the cynicism that so many Americans associate with politics. Both McCain and Clinton are basically saying, "I know things are bad, I know Washington is sleazy, but I can make it work...for you." While I tend to agree ideologically with Clinton more then McCain, this is not very inspiring. This is what Obama is combatting. He is basically saying that he can change the way the game is played. This is unquestionably an extremely lofty goal. But it is not impossible. He is not the first person to inspire a movement and sometimes these movements produce results. Martin Luther King Jr. is the first to come to mind in recent American history. If you believe at all in the law of averages this nation is due for a transcendent figure. FDR, MLK, Teddy Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln all produced bold changes that shaped the history of the country. So if people look beyond the history that has happened before their eyes they may find some legitimate reasons to believe in Obama. Politics are not the only arena where people succeed when they are supposed to fail. Someone cured polio, someone invented airplanes, someone hit 61 home runs without steroids, and someone will at some point bring forth some real visceral change to our political system...will it be Obama, and will people give him the chance?
Labels: Benzo, for serious people, John McCain, politics
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Wow!
Any of the regular Razzy readers out there know that she is an exceptionally bright woman. One of the smartest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. So this post might not go over so well....Still reading about why Razzy is a Republican has to be one of the most laughable pieces of writing ever posted on this blog. Now I won't waste time and bore everyone about how just about every CATO Institute, Rand Institute, libertarian economic theory has proven to be completely self-indulgent, intellectual nonsense over the years. There are so many other fish to fry if you will.
There was a point in your post where you complained about Obama being "over-regulating." Yes and look at what the lack of regulations has brought forth to business and the nation over that past eight years. Enron, Worldcom, lots of food recalls, lots of toy recalls, even pet-food recalls! Did I forget mine-collapses, bridge collapses, and the entire home loan industry gagging on its' own greed and causing a massive credit crisis that we have not even begun to dig out of. Is this the kind of regulation you fear? Bush enacted libertarian hands-off economic policies and business responded by screwing the people of this country in the ass. Business stripped employees of jobs, outsoursed them and consolidated small business turning much of the country into one big mall. They could use a little regualtion...don't worry I'm sure no one on the board of Exxon will go hungry.
" The government should maintain basic infrastructure and the military"
Wow! McCain and the Republicans have done such an amazing job at that. Forget that Obama's economic plan is centered on infrastructure rebuilding. The military has never been weaker. It is underfunded, lacks armor, fatigued, stretched thin, and we have tons of mentally and physically disabled vets that have piss-poor health care coming back from Iraq. McCain of course thinks we can enforce democracy in Iraq with the barrel of a gun so that problem won't be solved......ever. Maybe Razzy is talking about maintaining strong military contractors. That has been a consistent strength of McCain and his Republican buddies. Haliburton, Boeing, McDonnell-Douglas, and Blackwater all have had some pretty profitable years. Also by the way. The neo-cons like McCain a lot. He is one of them. His entire foreign policy is based on neo-conservative theory. Just like his buddies Guiliani and Lieberman.
McCain has gotten a nice rep as "good guy". The McCain-Feingold legislation he drafted that spearheaded campaign finance reform was a great bill. However when it came time to start an investigation into corruption in Iraq or in New Orleans he was pretty quiet. McCain talks about his disdain for Rumsfeld. But he never acted on it unless you count talking smack AFTER Rumsfeld quit. Where was McCain as Alberto Gonzales was making a mockery of the justice department? McCain was pretty quiet. If you are really concerned about corruption in Washington you might want to look at the other name on that Campaign-Finance reform bill. Russ Feingold.
Also Razzy, why not vote on social issues? McCain is certainly not Huckabee or Pat Robertson. But he voted for all of Bush's extreme right-wing judicial nominees. If Grandpa Munster actually wins this election he has stated repeatedly that he will appoint "strict conservative judges" . This does not bode well for issues like wire-tapping, gay marriage, abortion, gay adoption, stem-cell research, employee rights, union rights, free-speech. Saying I don't vote "social issues" is a total cop-out. Wether you vote them or not your vote impacts them.
I guess the guys at SCORES have not been keeping track of Mayor Mike's statements regarding the current election. There is NO CHANCE he would latch on to McCain's ticket. They disagree on everything except the war in Iraq. In fact Bloomberg and Warren Buffet, and Bill Gates have all praised Obama's economic plan. These guys don't look like socialists, but maybe McCain can have them all swiftboated during the election so they look like commies. These guys all know it is Bush's economic plan combined with a stupid and expensive war that has put this country into an economic tailspin. If you are worried about spending money we don't have you might want to remove your head from your ass and look at which administrations created the biggest deficits in US history. Reagan who McCain can't stop worshipping and his buddy George W. Bush. Since the last two major recessions have been at the tail end of eight year conservative republican presidencies isn't it time we stopped giving these guys credit for being fiscally responsible?!
There was a point in your post where you complained about Obama being "over-regulating." Yes and look at what the lack of regulations has brought forth to business and the nation over that past eight years. Enron, Worldcom, lots of food recalls, lots of toy recalls, even pet-food recalls! Did I forget mine-collapses, bridge collapses, and the entire home loan industry gagging on its' own greed and causing a massive credit crisis that we have not even begun to dig out of. Is this the kind of regulation you fear? Bush enacted libertarian hands-off economic policies and business responded by screwing the people of this country in the ass. Business stripped employees of jobs, outsoursed them and consolidated small business turning much of the country into one big mall. They could use a little regualtion...don't worry I'm sure no one on the board of Exxon will go hungry.
On to Che Guevara. I am not a big fan of Guevara and the Obama workers that chose to decorate the office like that are obvious morons. But McCain has been know to help out Blackwater, and they have surpassed Guevara's attrocities in Iraq as paid thug mercenaries. In fact now that hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians have been killed in the name of a totally useless war it seems pretty petty and ignorant of you to worry about a campaign worker in Houston who puts up a poster of Che Guevara, but then again it was on FOX.
Labels: Benzo, John McCain, politics
Monday, January 14, 2008
Patriots fans are dumb
No disrespect to my ex Benzo, because he is a smart guy, but Boston fans are fucking retarded. Benzo can't help being from Assachusetts, thus mandating that he will be among the obnoxious hordes emanating from that region to be bad losers and even worse winners, and he is the exception to the rule as far as the collective IQ of the New England faithful is concerned. I am convinced that Boston fans are like a bunch of bulls: big, dumb, and easily spooked to moronic, head-butting, irrational, indsicriminately ass-beating, animal anger. It is impossible to argue with them about anything, and their teams' recent confluence of dominance has made them almost incorrigible. The Sox won the World Series...AGAIN...and the Patriots went 16-0, and even the Celtics are doing well. I fear that the end times are nigh.
However, I can take heart knowing that even if the Pats defeat the vaunted San Diego Chargers next Sunday, at least the Patriots fans will continue to remind us all how stupid they are and the rest of us can laugh at their mouth-breathing idiocy. For example, look at this articulate gentleman with his snide sign gloating about how the Patriots' record should put any naysayers crowing about the whole "Spygate" business to rest (for those of you who don't follow the NFL, Patriots coach Bill Belichick got fined and busted for illegally videotaping the Jets' defensive signals earlier this season, and some have suggested that any success the Patriots have this season will always be tainted by that controversy):
An ASTERICK? Is that anything like an ASTERISK? Or maybe that's just some stupid Masshole regional pronunciation thing, like the way "Worcester" is pronounced "Woostah." I guess I shouldn't judge, since anyone whose head seems to be predominantly chin and jowls rather than actual brain-containing cranium probably didn't ace their second grade punctuation and vocabulary tests, but still. One would think that a spell-check might be advisable for someone with such a sketchy academic track record before using a complicated (for this guy, anyway) word like "asterisk" as a means of delivering his "cheaters do prosper" message.
If I'd been more on top of the questionable literacy of those hailing from Assachusetts and the other shiteous New England states (ie: CONNECTICUT, the worst state in America), I would have bet a little more carefully when I wagered Benzo that the Dolphins would beat the Patriots, and if they didn't I'd write about the Patriots' greatness and exhibit pro-Patriots sentiments on my tits. Well, they didn't (although it was a CLOSE game, if you consider a three touchdown margin to be close, and apparently only I do and only in this situation), so I had to pay up:
I should have written "PATS ROOL" on my girls instead. Every New England fan reading this probably guffawed at my shame and said, "Stupid dumb girl! She doesn't know how to spell 'ROOL'! She's stupid and dumb! Nice cans, though." Oh yeah, and that was just an excuse to show off how awesome my boobs are yet again. Not that I get many complaints about that.
Even if New England wins yet another Super Bowl title and I have to listen to the insufferable braggadocio issuing forth from every Assachusetts native crossing my path, at least I can take heart knowing that I could beat the vast majority of them in a spelling contest. Even my ex-boyfriend, Benzo, who as I said before is generally smart, has misspelled Bill Belichick's name. This other honey I boned once who is also a tremendous Pats shit-talker and whiny Boston fan (to the point where he got Sports Illustrated to take down a FanNation website entitled "Tom Brady is a fag") makes at least one spelling or grammatical error in every e-mail he's ever sent me (and that's in spite of him being a professional writer). One of my Yankee buddies from grad school who is brilliant at math and physics can't spell to save her life. And the token Boston chick in our Fantasy league, when she deigns to leave some snide remark on our league message board, should keep a dictionary handy. Okay, I'm not sure she's actually ever left a snide remark, but I bet if she did, she'd spell something wrong! HA HA, Boston, Ass! You SUCK at SPELLING!
However, I can take heart knowing that even if the Pats defeat the vaunted San Diego Chargers next Sunday, at least the Patriots fans will continue to remind us all how stupid they are and the rest of us can laugh at their mouth-breathing idiocy. For example, look at this articulate gentleman with his snide sign gloating about how the Patriots' record should put any naysayers crowing about the whole "Spygate" business to rest (for those of you who don't follow the NFL, Patriots coach Bill Belichick got fined and busted for illegally videotaping the Jets' defensive signals earlier this season, and some have suggested that any success the Patriots have this season will always be tainted by that controversy):
If I'd been more on top of the questionable literacy of those hailing from Assachusetts and the other shiteous New England states (ie: CONNECTICUT, the worst state in America), I would have bet a little more carefully when I wagered Benzo that the Dolphins would beat the Patriots, and if they didn't I'd write about the Patriots' greatness and exhibit pro-Patriots sentiments on my tits. Well, they didn't (although it was a CLOSE game, if you consider a three touchdown margin to be close, and apparently only I do and only in this situation), so I had to pay up:
I should have written "PATS ROOL" on my girls instead. Every New England fan reading this probably guffawed at my shame and said, "Stupid dumb girl! She doesn't know how to spell 'ROOL'! She's stupid and dumb! Nice cans, though." Oh yeah, and that was just an excuse to show off how awesome my boobs are yet again. Not that I get many complaints about that.Even if New England wins yet another Super Bowl title and I have to listen to the insufferable braggadocio issuing forth from every Assachusetts native crossing my path, at least I can take heart knowing that I could beat the vast majority of them in a spelling contest. Even my ex-boyfriend, Benzo, who as I said before is generally smart, has misspelled Bill Belichick's name. This other honey I boned once who is also a tremendous Pats shit-talker and whiny Boston fan (to the point where he got Sports Illustrated to take down a FanNation website entitled "Tom Brady is a fag") makes at least one spelling or grammatical error in every e-mail he's ever sent me (and that's in spite of him being a professional writer). One of my Yankee buddies from grad school who is brilliant at math and physics can't spell to save her life. And the token Boston chick in our Fantasy league, when she deigns to leave some snide remark on our league message board, should keep a dictionary handy. Okay, I'm not sure she's actually ever left a snide remark, but I bet if she did, she'd spell something wrong! HA HA, Boston, Ass! You SUCK at SPELLING!
Labels: Assachusetts, Benzo, fuck the Pats, grammar gestapo, NFL football, retard rage, scathing indictments
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Say hi to Benzo
So my ex-boyfriend Benzo has decided that all my pro-McCain jibber jabber earlier today was impetus enough for him to make his first contribution to this blog. Over the holidays, I told him that as long as he's going to blow up my inbox with lengthy e-mails telling me how wrong I am about my political views, he might as well share his thoughts with the internets. He feels very passionately about his beliefs, and it's always good to read someone speaking from the heart. In particular, he thinks that I'm absolutely insane to love my Straight Talk Express-riding slice of geriatric Arizona senator hotness, and has thus penned a zealous and scathing rebuttal to my McCain love-showing.
So feel free to argue with Benzo, call him a bleeding-heart liberal, bust on Hillary and Obama, etc. Leave him some comments and welcome him to the bliggity blog. And if you think he's enthusiastic about politics, for the love of God, don't get him started about the Red Sox, the Patriots, or the Celtics. His enthusiasm for Boston sports teams is so extreme that it makes him seem apolitical.
Anyway, welcome Benzo! I'm glad you are writing here, even if you're totally wrong!
XO,
Razzy
So feel free to argue with Benzo, call him a bleeding-heart liberal, bust on Hillary and Obama, etc. Leave him some comments and welcome him to the bliggity blog. And if you think he's enthusiastic about politics, for the love of God, don't get him started about the Red Sox, the Patriots, or the Celtics. His enthusiasm for Boston sports teams is so extreme that it makes him seem apolitical.
Anyway, welcome Benzo! I'm glad you are writing here, even if you're totally wrong!
XO,
Razzy
Labels: Benzo
John McCain..why?
I guess I'll never get it. What is it that makes someone like John McCain appealing? If you are a life-long Republican then it makes total sense. He basically toes the party line. He is not a maverick. He has voted for all of Bush's extreme right-wing court appointees to both the federal and supreme courts. He recently made comments to the effect that he would keep American troops present in Iraq for up to 100 years.
If you are of the very popular opinion that Bush's greatest mistake of his presidency was his decision to invade Iraq then a vote for McCain is ludicrous. He has voted for and rubber stamped every single bill that Bush has put forth on Iraq. From the invasion, to the funding, to the surge. Yes he has been critical of Rumsfeld, so what?! In the end everyone was critical of Rumsfeld. McCain is the man that had the audacity to tour Baghdad flanked by a huge military escort and declare it a "peaceful" place. Why does Hillary get the "say and do anything to get elected" label, while McCain a man once super critical of the religious right gets a pass for speaking at Liberty University.
I will admit that McCain is a very good speaker and his life story is inspiring. It is hard not to admire a POW and cancer survivor. But this election and every other one for that matter is about what the man or woman will do as President.
How different is McCain from Bush? He will appoint the same type of judges, he will continue the same foreign policy. He will continue very similar tax programs. He will continue very similar trade programs. He has the same hyper-paranoid neo-con Iran theories. His health care reform is very vague, his immigration reform is not a solution to anything. I actually appreciate his "straight talk" . I would like to thank John McCain for letting me know where he stands on the issues. The problem is that he is wrong on so many of them that I don't see the appeal. I guess he is a "maverick" when you line him up next to someone like Mike Huckabee who does not believe in the theory of evolution. I guess I should be in awe of the fact that he was one of the few Republican Senators to speak out against torture as a means of interrogation. But while he spoke out against it, he voted for many Bush appointees that advocated it. He voted for many judges that were ambiguous on the issue. He rarely stands up to his party on key issues. Maybe instead of him being so different then Hillary, he is actually the same, with a different ideology and a better game.
If you are of the very popular opinion that Bush's greatest mistake of his presidency was his decision to invade Iraq then a vote for McCain is ludicrous. He has voted for and rubber stamped every single bill that Bush has put forth on Iraq. From the invasion, to the funding, to the surge. Yes he has been critical of Rumsfeld, so what?! In the end everyone was critical of Rumsfeld. McCain is the man that had the audacity to tour Baghdad flanked by a huge military escort and declare it a "peaceful" place. Why does Hillary get the "say and do anything to get elected" label, while McCain a man once super critical of the religious right gets a pass for speaking at Liberty University.
I will admit that McCain is a very good speaker and his life story is inspiring. It is hard not to admire a POW and cancer survivor. But this election and every other one for that matter is about what the man or woman will do as President.
How different is McCain from Bush? He will appoint the same type of judges, he will continue the same foreign policy. He will continue very similar tax programs. He will continue very similar trade programs. He has the same hyper-paranoid neo-con Iran theories. His health care reform is very vague, his immigration reform is not a solution to anything. I actually appreciate his "straight talk" . I would like to thank John McCain for letting me know where he stands on the issues. The problem is that he is wrong on so many of them that I don't see the appeal. I guess he is a "maverick" when you line him up next to someone like Mike Huckabee who does not believe in the theory of evolution. I guess I should be in awe of the fact that he was one of the few Republican Senators to speak out against torture as a means of interrogation. But while he spoke out against it, he voted for many Bush appointees that advocated it. He voted for many judges that were ambiguous on the issue. He rarely stands up to his party on key issues. Maybe instead of him being so different then Hillary, he is actually the same, with a different ideology and a better game.
Labels: Benzo, John McCain, politics
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Man is not made for defeat, but I just might be
My favorite author Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "Man can be destroyed but not defeated." Unfortunately, it seems that the opposite is true with women, because yesterday while my utter destruction did not occur, I assuredly was defeated thanks to the Miami Dolphins' failure to beat the New England Patriots as I had predicted. Thus Benzo won the bet I made with him concerning whether the Dolphins would stop the Pats from having a perfect season, and I now have to pay up.
Well, I never let my mouth write a check my ass--or in this case, my tits--can't cash and I'm about to make good on the terms of this wager. If you recall, I promised to post topless photos of myself with "Patriots Rule" written on my cans, and to write an excessive post describing the Patriots' awesomeness in graphic detail. I'll do just that, with one exception. My boobs are going to have to say "Pats Rule" instead of "Patriots Rule," as my rack just isn't big enough to spell out "Patriots" on my right breast backwards in cocksucker red lipstick. Furthermore, I am currently at my parents' house for the holidays, and I don't want to be answering any pesky questions about why I have red lipstick all over my shit later today when the family gathers together to attend Christmas mass. Bare breasts posted on the internets have to be kept on the low here at casa de Razzy. However, I'm sure this will still be satisfactory to Benzo and all the other Patriots fans who have been eagerly lining up for a glimpse of my combined hot set of jugs and my ignonimous loss of dignity. Enjoy.
The New England Patriots are the greatest football team in the AFC, and ALMOST the greatest team in the entire National Football League (the greatest team being, of course, the vaunted Seattle Seahawks, but that's for another posting). They have won three Super Bowls in the past five years, and will without a doubt win a fourth (unless, of course, they play the aforementioned Seahawks, in which case it will be a battle more epic than the Trojan War which the Pats will just BARELY lose). The Patriots will have a perfect 16-0 season this year, and will lay waste to the AFC as they march toward Super Bowl XLII with the same merciless fury as General Sherman marching to Atlanta, leaving nothing but flames and ruin in their wake.
Why are the Patriots so amazing, you ask? For starters, their personnel are a bunch of true professionals with exceptional football ability. As Bengals right tackle Willie Anderson once said of the Pats, "They're grown men who take football seriously." This is true. Even Randy Moss, who once had all sorts of behavioral problems, including but by no means limited to squirting officials he didn't agree with, claiming to play only when he wanted to, and running over a meter maid with his tricked-out Lexus, has behaved like the consummate professional now that he's in his New England uniform. Yesterday, he demonstrated once again how far he has come when he caught two touchdowns to help the Pats rout the Dolphins 28-7 (thus precipitating this article).
Which brings me to the guy throwing those touchdown passes: the rugged, chiseled granite block of macho stud known as Tom Brady. Fueled by a limitless supply of Stetson cologne, extreme self-confidence, virile face stubble, and supermodel pussy, he is an unstoppable offensive force capable of adjusting to almost any scenario he might face. He can complete a pass to Randy Moss in triple coverage as easily as he can spread the ball out to Wes Welker, or he can pitch it to Laurence Maroney. Either way, he does what he has to do, and the Patriots just roll all over everyone. Tom Brady is so good that even if Patriots forgot to send out the other ten players on their offense, he could singlehandedly destroy whatever hapless opponent unlucky enough to be facing him. Then he'd onside kick to himself, and play an all-offense game, and basically own everyone.
I should add that Tom Brady is really hot. He's so hot that he could turn the Reverend Fred Phelps gay. He's so hot that Al Gore has cited him along with petroleum and Freon coolants as a primary cause of global warming. He's so hot that even in December, Gillette Stadium feels like it is in south Florida rather than Foxborough, Assachusetts. When he played for Michigan, Tom Brady kept the sidelines warm and toasty with his smoldering caloric output. It's no wonder he's always getting top shelf ass. Probably even the hookers he cheats on Gisele with are ridiculously good-looking. In physics, magnetic intensity is expressed by the equation J=moM, and when applied to the square-jawed Mr. Brady, where M (magnetisation) corresponds to his physical attractiveness and mo (permeability) represents the extent to which women will notice him, then solving for J as a measure of his pussy magnetism results in an off-the-chart quantity of Teslas.
And speaking of pussy magnets, let me take a minute to wax poetic about Bill Belichick. Coach Belichick has mastered the art of inexplicable sexiness. He is the kind of tight-lipped guy who never reveals much of anything and makes everyone wonder what exactly is going on beneath that taciturn, curt-yet-obtuse facade. You won't be seeing any Coors Light commercials with Coach Belichick in them anytime soon since, unlike Dennis Green, Bill Parcells, or Jim Mora, Sr., the most emotion you get out of him in a press conference is "We're moving on from the Jets game. Anyone have a question about the Chargers? Let's talk about playing the Chargers." He's the strong, silent type, and I think any woman can agree with the hotness of that. Furthermore, anyone who doesn't like the Patriots (ie: yours truly) just really wants to hate fuck him hard. I'd be like, "I'll give you something illegal to videotape, baby," and then make him leave his pungent, unwashed, cutoff sweatshirt on while I ride him like a triple crown jockey. Those quiet types always end up being really hot in the sack.
Besides, I have to give Belichick and the Pats' front office credit for making some quality decisions off the field. Not only is Belichick a great coach in the sense that he keeps his team focused, on task, and doesn't distract them with a bunch of antics in the media, I continue to be astounded by the foresight of the Pats' decisions. For example, even though they lost their 2008 first-round draft pick due to the whole Spygate business, they still have San Francisco's from a deal they made in 2006. And the Pats managed to acquire a little player named Randy Moss from the Raiders for a fourth-round draft pick, they used on John Bowie. Good going, Oakland; that was a fair deal. I'm sure Bowie is really keeping receivers honest when they play the Raiders' practice squad.
Now, if I were to go off on the Pats' defense, I could be writing all day. However, since it is my Lord and Savior's birthday, I have some important Christian business to attend to (wearing my new Julian Peterson jersey and napping in front of the special edition Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix currently showing on my parents' flatscreen. Therefore, I'll just start wrapping this up now. I think I've paid my dues and hopefully all the anti-Patriots smack I've been talking has been remedied and I've been sufficiently shamed.
In conclusion, I would like to note that my ex-boyfriend Benzo is right about everything having to do with the dominance of the New England Patriots. This is what I get for making bets against the man who originally taught me about football: I was totally schooled, yet again. Thus I lose some face, and Benzo is once again vindicated concerning the inherent glorious awesomeness of the Patriots. Benzo (and every other Pats-loving New Englander I've ever boned) probably would like nothing better under their Christmas trees than my smack-talking ass topless and thoroughly humbled. Well, as Benzo is Jewish, he probably doesn't care about my unwrapped tits being under an actual Jesus-vagina-ejection-commemorating Christmas tree, but you get the point.
Well, I never let my mouth write a check my ass--or in this case, my tits--can't cash and I'm about to make good on the terms of this wager. If you recall, I promised to post topless photos of myself with "Patriots Rule" written on my cans, and to write an excessive post describing the Patriots' awesomeness in graphic detail. I'll do just that, with one exception. My boobs are going to have to say "Pats Rule" instead of "Patriots Rule," as my rack just isn't big enough to spell out "Patriots" on my right breast backwards in cocksucker red lipstick. Furthermore, I am currently at my parents' house for the holidays, and I don't want to be answering any pesky questions about why I have red lipstick all over my shit later today when the family gathers together to attend Christmas mass. Bare breasts posted on the internets have to be kept on the low here at casa de Razzy. However, I'm sure this will still be satisfactory to Benzo and all the other Patriots fans who have been eagerly lining up for a glimpse of my combined hot set of jugs and my ignonimous loss of dignity. Enjoy.
WHY THE PATRIOTS ARE AWESOME
By Razzy
The New England Patriots are the greatest football team in the AFC, and ALMOST the greatest team in the entire National Football League (the greatest team being, of course, the vaunted Seattle Seahawks, but that's for another posting). They have won three Super Bowls in the past five years, and will without a doubt win a fourth (unless, of course, they play the aforementioned Seahawks, in which case it will be a battle more epic than the Trojan War which the Pats will just BARELY lose). The Patriots will have a perfect 16-0 season this year, and will lay waste to the AFC as they march toward Super Bowl XLII with the same merciless fury as General Sherman marching to Atlanta, leaving nothing but flames and ruin in their wake.
Why are the Patriots so amazing, you ask? For starters, their personnel are a bunch of true professionals with exceptional football ability. As Bengals right tackle Willie Anderson once said of the Pats, "They're grown men who take football seriously." This is true. Even Randy Moss, who once had all sorts of behavioral problems, including but by no means limited to squirting officials he didn't agree with, claiming to play only when he wanted to, and running over a meter maid with his tricked-out Lexus, has behaved like the consummate professional now that he's in his New England uniform. Yesterday, he demonstrated once again how far he has come when he caught two touchdowns to help the Pats rout the Dolphins 28-7 (thus precipitating this article).
Which brings me to the guy throwing those touchdown passes: the rugged, chiseled granite block of macho stud known as Tom Brady. Fueled by a limitless supply of Stetson cologne, extreme self-confidence, virile face stubble, and supermodel pussy, he is an unstoppable offensive force capable of adjusting to almost any scenario he might face. He can complete a pass to Randy Moss in triple coverage as easily as he can spread the ball out to Wes Welker, or he can pitch it to Laurence Maroney. Either way, he does what he has to do, and the Patriots just roll all over everyone. Tom Brady is so good that even if Patriots forgot to send out the other ten players on their offense, he could singlehandedly destroy whatever hapless opponent unlucky enough to be facing him. Then he'd onside kick to himself, and play an all-offense game, and basically own everyone.
I should add that Tom Brady is really hot. He's so hot that he could turn the Reverend Fred Phelps gay. He's so hot that Al Gore has cited him along with petroleum and Freon coolants as a primary cause of global warming. He's so hot that even in December, Gillette Stadium feels like it is in south Florida rather than Foxborough, Assachusetts. When he played for Michigan, Tom Brady kept the sidelines warm and toasty with his smoldering caloric output. It's no wonder he's always getting top shelf ass. Probably even the hookers he cheats on Gisele with are ridiculously good-looking. In physics, magnetic intensity is expressed by the equation J=moM, and when applied to the square-jawed Mr. Brady, where M (magnetisation) corresponds to his physical attractiveness and mo (permeability) represents the extent to which women will notice him, then solving for J as a measure of his pussy magnetism results in an off-the-chart quantity of Teslas.
And speaking of pussy magnets, let me take a minute to wax poetic about Bill Belichick. Coach Belichick has mastered the art of inexplicable sexiness. He is the kind of tight-lipped guy who never reveals much of anything and makes everyone wonder what exactly is going on beneath that taciturn, curt-yet-obtuse facade. You won't be seeing any Coors Light commercials with Coach Belichick in them anytime soon since, unlike Dennis Green, Bill Parcells, or Jim Mora, Sr., the most emotion you get out of him in a press conference is "We're moving on from the Jets game. Anyone have a question about the Chargers? Let's talk about playing the Chargers." He's the strong, silent type, and I think any woman can agree with the hotness of that. Furthermore, anyone who doesn't like the Patriots (ie: yours truly) just really wants to hate fuck him hard. I'd be like, "I'll give you something illegal to videotape, baby," and then make him leave his pungent, unwashed, cutoff sweatshirt on while I ride him like a triple crown jockey. Those quiet types always end up being really hot in the sack.
Besides, I have to give Belichick and the Pats' front office credit for making some quality decisions off the field. Not only is Belichick a great coach in the sense that he keeps his team focused, on task, and doesn't distract them with a bunch of antics in the media, I continue to be astounded by the foresight of the Pats' decisions. For example, even though they lost their 2008 first-round draft pick due to the whole Spygate business, they still have San Francisco's from a deal they made in 2006. And the Pats managed to acquire a little player named Randy Moss from the Raiders for a fourth-round draft pick, they used on John Bowie. Good going, Oakland; that was a fair deal. I'm sure Bowie is really keeping receivers honest when they play the Raiders' practice squad.
Now, if I were to go off on the Pats' defense, I could be writing all day. However, since it is my Lord and Savior's birthday, I have some important Christian business to attend to (wearing my new Julian Peterson jersey and napping in front of the special edition Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix currently showing on my parents' flatscreen. Therefore, I'll just start wrapping this up now. I think I've paid my dues and hopefully all the anti-Patriots smack I've been talking has been remedied and I've been sufficiently shamed.
In conclusion, I would like to note that my ex-boyfriend Benzo is right about everything having to do with the dominance of the New England Patriots. This is what I get for making bets against the man who originally taught me about football: I was totally schooled, yet again. Thus I lose some face, and Benzo is once again vindicated concerning the inherent glorious awesomeness of the Patriots. Benzo (and every other Pats-loving New Englander I've ever boned) probably would like nothing better under their Christmas trees than my smack-talking ass topless and thoroughly humbled. Well, as Benzo is Jewish, he probably doesn't care about my unwrapped tits being under an actual Jesus-vagina-ejection-commemorating Christmas tree, but you get the point.
Merry Christmas, Patriots fans. We 12th Men will see you in the Super Bowl.
Labels: Assachusetts, Benzo, comeuppance, fuck the Pats, hot dudes, NFL football, nudity, sportsmen
Friday, December 21, 2007
GO DOLPHINS!
This Sunday, several epic battles will be decided via the greatest sport ever: football, and no, I don't mean bitch-ass soccer. First, I am going to get the $300 I justly deserve for laying waste to the other fools in the Columbia Ballers Fantasy League when I destroy the Js and the Ps in C-Ballers Bowl V. While that will be satisfying and while the cash will buy this alcoholic bitch a lot of Heineken, even more awesome will be when I win a little gentlemen's wager I made with my ex-boyfriend Benzo who is both a native of Assachusetts and a die-hard New England Patriots fan (like every other Pats supporter, he's been a hardcore fan since 2001). This wager concerns the impending epic week 16 battle between the 1-13 Miami Dolphins and the 14-0 Patriots:
I predicted that the Dolphins will beat the Patriots this Sunday, thus ensuring that they remain the only team in the Super Bowl era with a perfect record. I think this is even more likely now that Miami is coming off their first triumphant win of the season last week. They are primed and ready to keep the winning streak alive! Look at how fired up Joey Porter is in spite of his absolutely hideous countenance! He's ready to lay some bitches out in Foxborough. Benzo scoffed at me, as did every other New England-loving Masshole who heard of this. "Miami doesn't play well late in the season on the road," they say. "Ricky Williams is out," they say (because Ricky Williams has done SO much besides smoke pot, do yoga, and sit on his hippie ass the last few years...who cares?). "Cleo Lemon is starting," they say. I say "SO FUCKING WHAT?" back. Stranger things have happened in the NFL. My prediction about Jessica Simpson ruining Tony Romo was correct, and like the Dolphins, I'm gearing up for a big old winning streak!
Anyway, since the terms of this wager will be borne out on the blogosphere, here's what you all have to look forward to.
GO RAZZY!
If I win this bet, Benzo has to not only buy me large volumes of scotch, he will have to take a picture of himself holding one sign that says "PATRIOTS SUCK" and another that says one of the following (totally true) statements:
1. BELICHICK SUCKS DICK
2. BRADY SUCKS DICK
3. BOB KRAFT SUCKS DICK
4. PATRIOTS CHEAT
This picture will then be posted on this very blog, along with a lot of gloating sentiments from me. I tried to also make him wear a Yankees cap and stuff his junk between his legs Buffalo Bill-style as a revolting shot at the tuck rule, but he drew the line at doing those things. Oh well. I guess I'll take free scotch and the satisfaction of seeing Benzo implying that one of his Hatriot idols is exceptionally competent at fellatio.
GO BENZO!
If the Patriots win for Benzo, then I will take a picture of myself topless with "PATRIOTS RULE" written on my tits. I will also write a lengthy blog posting to accompany said photo extolling the Patriots' many virtues and discussing their excellent prospects for continued domination without any sarcasm. I will subsequently tolerate any comments from pro-Assachusetts bastards rubbing in how great the Patriots are. On that post, anyway.
But like that's going to happen. I'm already looking forward to the drinks Benzo will be buying me, as well as seeing his handsome rosy-cheeked visage holding a sign that says, "BELICHICK SUCKS DICK." Prepare to be owned, Benzo.
Anyway, since the terms of this wager will be borne out on the blogosphere, here's what you all have to look forward to.
GO RAZZY!
If I win this bet, Benzo has to not only buy me large volumes of scotch, he will have to take a picture of himself holding one sign that says "PATRIOTS SUCK" and another that says one of the following (totally true) statements:
1. BELICHICK SUCKS DICK
2. BRADY SUCKS DICK
3. BOB KRAFT SUCKS DICK
4. PATRIOTS CHEAT
This picture will then be posted on this very blog, along with a lot of gloating sentiments from me. I tried to also make him wear a Yankees cap and stuff his junk between his legs Buffalo Bill-style as a revolting shot at the tuck rule, but he drew the line at doing those things. Oh well. I guess I'll take free scotch and the satisfaction of seeing Benzo implying that one of his Hatriot idols is exceptionally competent at fellatio.
GO BENZO!
If the Patriots win for Benzo, then I will take a picture of myself topless with "PATRIOTS RULE" written on my tits. I will also write a lengthy blog posting to accompany said photo extolling the Patriots' many virtues and discussing their excellent prospects for continued domination without any sarcasm. I will subsequently tolerate any comments from pro-Assachusetts bastards rubbing in how great the Patriots are. On that post, anyway.
But like that's going to happen. I'm already looking forward to the drinks Benzo will be buying me, as well as seeing his handsome rosy-cheeked visage holding a sign that says, "BELICHICK SUCKS DICK." Prepare to be owned, Benzo.
Labels: Assachusetts, Benzo, comeuppance, Fantasia, fuck the Pats, intentional buffoonery, NFL football, Razzification
Thursday, December 20, 2007
T.O. also hates pink jerseys
Yesterday, I had the following Gchat with HotLawyer:
At least one dude agrees with me on the pink jersey and the Jessica Simpson issue. At least one man, a bold soul named Terrell Owens, is brave enough to stand up and say that he doesn't appreciate pink Romo jerseys one bit, at the very least because there is only room for one ridiculously dressed fag hag in Texas Stadium, and that ain't Jessica Simpson. She's pouty because not only did her dumbass, overrated boyfriend deliver the worst performance of his career thanks to her game-killing presence, but because T.O. looks waaaaaaay cuter than her in his sexy women's wear from NFLshop.com:
T.O. had some choice words for Jessica:
Keep in mind this is coming from a guy whose love for drag queenish blondes is so legendary that it became the most controversial opening for a Monday Night Football game ever. Remember that shit where T.O. ditches the game to go bang Nicolette Sheridan in the Eagles' locker room from two years ago? Here's the YouTube to refresh your memory (and I dare you not to snicker when T.O. says, "Donovan needs me." Hilarious.)
Given Terrell's susceptibility to seduction by such bitches who look like they have to pull a Buffalo Bill-style weiner tuck before getting some pregame ass in the locker room, I'm surprised he's not competing with Tony Romo for Jessica's attention. I would say that it's both because her ass was preventing Romo from completing passes to T.O. in triple coverage, and because he can't get past that fugly, embarrassing, despicable pink Romo jersey! If she'd worn nothing but a towel to ruin the Cowboys' offense in, maybe he'd be more sympathetic.
In any event, T.O. promises more good times in the coming weeks:
Oh, and I have a message too: GO SEAHAWKS!
HotLawyer: RazzyI consulted also with my ex-boyfriend Benzo, and he was of the opinion that pink jerseys aren't awesome, but he doesn't care one way or the other. "If I see a hot chick wearing a pink jersey, I'm not going to ignore her just because she's got a pink jersey on." I was totally annoyed that my boys didn't share my staunch anti-pink jersey sentiments. Then again, I can't be too annoyed at a man who squires his lady around Tacoma wearing his-and-hers Tatupu jerseys. I should actually be thankful we don't share the same opinion on this one, as his taste is clearly questionable.
HotLawyer: Princess HotLawyer owns and wears a PINK Tatupu jersey
Razzy: hey dude
Razzy: tell Princess HotLawyer to chuck that
Razzy: those pink jerseys are shameful!
HotLawyer: they're hot
Razzy: you really think those pink jerseys are hot?
HotLawyer: yes
Razzy: NO!
Razzy: they are the scourge of nfl pro gear
HotLawyer: They rule your ass
Razzy: never
HotLawyer: Plus, we don't look like douchebags when we sport our matching Lofa jerseys
HotLawyer: Lofa! Lofa!
Razzy: you already look like a douchebag wearing the same jersey as your GF!
HotLawyer: trick, please!
At least one dude agrees with me on the pink jersey and the Jessica Simpson issue. At least one man, a bold soul named Terrell Owens, is brave enough to stand up and say that he doesn't appreciate pink Romo jerseys one bit, at the very least because there is only room for one ridiculously dressed fag hag in Texas Stadium, and that ain't Jessica Simpson. She's pouty because not only did her dumbass, overrated boyfriend deliver the worst performance of his career thanks to her game-killing presence, but because T.O. looks waaaaaaay cuter than her in his sexy women's wear from NFLshop.com:
T.O. had some choice words for Jessica:
"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite -- in this locker room or in Texas Stadium. With everything that has happened, obviously with the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel she has taken his focus away. Other than that, she was high on my list until last week."Translation: Bitch, take your stank, talentless, pink jersey-wearing ass back to wherever Tony Romo's last dumb blonde country-fried bimbo girlfriend went and let him get his mind off your herpetic punani and back on completing passes to me. Up until last week, I would have been willing to tap that ass, but now she's dead to me.
Keep in mind this is coming from a guy whose love for drag queenish blondes is so legendary that it became the most controversial opening for a Monday Night Football game ever. Remember that shit where T.O. ditches the game to go bang Nicolette Sheridan in the Eagles' locker room from two years ago? Here's the YouTube to refresh your memory (and I dare you not to snicker when T.O. says, "Donovan needs me." Hilarious.)
Given Terrell's susceptibility to seduction by such bitches who look like they have to pull a Buffalo Bill-style weiner tuck before getting some pregame ass in the locker room, I'm surprised he's not competing with Tony Romo for Jessica's attention. I would say that it's both because her ass was preventing Romo from completing passes to T.O. in triple coverage, and because he can't get past that fugly, embarrassing, despicable pink Romo jersey! If she'd worn nothing but a towel to ruin the Cowboys' offense in, maybe he'd be more sympathetic.
In any event, T.O. promises more good times in the coming weeks:
"Oh, I got a message for her when we make the playoffs. Just stay tuned."The message will be something along the lines of, "Keep your pink jersey-rocking ho ass the fuck out of Texas Stadium, bitch," except delivered with Terrell's signature panache. Truly, the playoffs cannot come fast enough.
Oh, and I have a message too: GO SEAHAWKS!
Labels: assholes, Benzo, hot dudes, HotLawyer, media whores, NFL football, oh the horror, Seahawks, sluts
Friday, December 14, 2007
My gambling problem
So yesterday my ex-boyfriend Benzo, outspoken Boston sports fan extraordinaire, expressed interest in making a friendly wager with me concerning my prediction that the Miami Water Dogs will defeat the New England Patriots, thus spoiling their unbeaten record a week from this Sunday. He thinks otherwise, and is willing to back it up with a bet. I am willing to stand by my prediction, however improbable it might seem. It's just ridiculous enough to work! And I will gladly accept his wager, though I am too poor to make the stakes financially interesting.
Well, he doesn't know how to bet without money, so he wants me come up with the terms. I figured if I lose, I will write a lengthy blog posting extolling the virtues of the Hatriots, exploring the sweatshirt-mediated disgust that has evolved into a so-wrong-it's-right lust to hate-fuck Bill Belichick, and rhapsodizing over Tom Brady's rugged good looks AND sweet passer rating. I will celebrate their perfect season, join the Randy Moss fan club, and offer my services as a spy to them any time they need it. I will also post pictures of myself topless with "Go Patriots" or something like written on my tits. In fact, if anyone has Patriot gear they want to loan me, I'll wear that too (sorry, I draw the line at investing in wearable Pats logo products I'd rather wipe my ass with). Basically, I will humiliate myself publicly if I lose this bet.
However, since I'm NOT going to lose and the Dolphins WILL beat the Patriots, I need to come up with something good for Benzo to do if HE loses. At first I was like, "He should wear a Seahawks shirt every Sunday for the rest of the season," but that's not very creative and there's not a lot of 12th men here in New York to appreciate that. Besides, how would I know he was making good on the bet? I correspond with Benzo via e-mail and blog comments much more than I see him in person, so how could I even be sure he was wearing Seahawks gear as promised? I also think that, since Vegas probably has the Patriots winning this game by approximately 10,000 points, the payoff should be bigger if I am right. Therefore, in the interest of appeasing Patriots haters everywhere, I am posing this question to the internets.
What would you really like to see an (obnoxious, mouthy, smartassed) Boston sports fan do if the Patriots lose to the Dolphins (short of nudity or suicide, because I can tell you right now Benzo won't do either of those things)? What is the most humiliating thing a Patriots fan could do?
I have some other ideas, but why have all the fun myself? I may as well share it with my lovely Pats-despising Razzyphiles. So weigh in with some commentary.
And in the meantime, enjoy this video of Tom Brady's greatest pouty sadfaces:
Well, he doesn't know how to bet without money, so he wants me come up with the terms. I figured if I lose, I will write a lengthy blog posting extolling the virtues of the Hatriots, exploring the sweatshirt-mediated disgust that has evolved into a so-wrong-it's-right lust to hate-fuck Bill Belichick, and rhapsodizing over Tom Brady's rugged good looks AND sweet passer rating. I will celebrate their perfect season, join the Randy Moss fan club, and offer my services as a spy to them any time they need it. I will also post pictures of myself topless with "Go Patriots" or something like written on my tits. In fact, if anyone has Patriot gear they want to loan me, I'll wear that too (sorry, I draw the line at investing in wearable Pats logo products I'd rather wipe my ass with). Basically, I will humiliate myself publicly if I lose this bet.
However, since I'm NOT going to lose and the Dolphins WILL beat the Patriots, I need to come up with something good for Benzo to do if HE loses. At first I was like, "He should wear a Seahawks shirt every Sunday for the rest of the season," but that's not very creative and there's not a lot of 12th men here in New York to appreciate that. Besides, how would I know he was making good on the bet? I correspond with Benzo via e-mail and blog comments much more than I see him in person, so how could I even be sure he was wearing Seahawks gear as promised? I also think that, since Vegas probably has the Patriots winning this game by approximately 10,000 points, the payoff should be bigger if I am right. Therefore, in the interest of appeasing Patriots haters everywhere, I am posing this question to the internets.
What would you really like to see an (obnoxious, mouthy, smartassed) Boston sports fan do if the Patriots lose to the Dolphins (short of nudity or suicide, because I can tell you right now Benzo won't do either of those things)? What is the most humiliating thing a Patriots fan could do?
I have some other ideas, but why have all the fun myself? I may as well share it with my lovely Pats-despising Razzyphiles. So weigh in with some commentary.
And in the meantime, enjoy this video of Tom Brady's greatest pouty sadfaces:
Labels: Assachusetts, Benzo, fuck the Pats, NFL football, ridiculous absurdity
Monday, December 03, 2007
Daily Douchebag: My alarm clock
DOB: 1996
Occupation: jarring me from pleasant dreams about hot lezzie sex
Hometown: Taiwan or China
Current residence: my bedside table
Douchebaggery: I have to give my alarm clock its due for being a trooper. I've had this bitch since college and it keeps on doggedly telling me the time. I am so familiar with its layout that I can practically reset the time while half-asleep with my face buried in a pillow. This clock is one of my treasured possessions, and I will probably use it until it dies of old age.
That said, I hate my alarm clock. I may be able to find the snooze button with my eyes closed on it, but that doesn't mean I like waking up in the morning. I have an elaborate alarm routine that I've honed and perfected throughout the years. First, I set the clock ahead without looking, so the clock is fast, but I'm not sure exactly HOW fast. It could be 15 minutes fast, it could be two hours fast, but I don't know, and that makes me get up. Then, I set the alarm to go off 54 minutes before I actually intend to get up, which allows me to hit snooze six times and thus gradually ease myself out of bed. This method is usually effective for getting me out of bed, although it's not a hit with the fellas I have over on school nights. My ex-boyfriend Benzo used to rant and rave about my snooze button addiction almost as much as he would about the son-of-a-bitch-bastard Yankees, because apparently hearing the alarm's nerve-grating "REE-REE-REE-REE" noise six times before waking up to have sex and watch reruns of last night's Sportscenter wasn't his idea of a pleasant way to wake up. It's not my idea of pleasant either, but it works, and sometimes you have to sacrifice comfort for efficacy.
However, sometimes the earlier alarm sounding time results in very undesirable effects, such as this morning. I was having a VERY vivid dream about having sex with this hot blonde girl. I don't know who this girl was or how she found her way into my subconscious, but she looked like a cross between Scarlett Johansson, Heidi Klum, and Briana Banks circa 2001. I had seen an ad for (the enraging and despicable monstrosity known as) The Nanny Diaries DVD before going to bed, and I watch a lot of both "Project Runway" and porn, so maybe that's how I imagined up this broad. Anyway, she was super hot and had huge, perfect breasts, and she was fucking the hell out of me with a strap on, and then...my ALARM went off. Not only was I distinctly disgruntled to realize that Scarlediana Johanssoklubanks had been replaced in my bed by a rank, snoring Pug, but I was pissed that if I hadn't been following my morning routine, I could have enjoyed this dream for another 54 minutes. Thanks a lot, alarm clock, for boxblocking me in a damn dream. Now I've got a killer case of the Mondays.
Labels: Benzo, Daily Douchebag, intentional buffoonery, lezbollah, perversion, Razzification, sluts
Monday, October 29, 2007
Daily Douchebag: the Boston Red Sox...AGAIN
DOB: 1901
Hometown: Fenway Park, Boston, Assachusetts
Current residence: Taking a long-desired (by everyone else who isn't an obnoxious Boston fan) break from the spotlight after winning the damn World Series...I hope
Douchebaggery: Last night, instead of a Sunday night football game, the fucking Red Sox swept the World Series and won...again. While I've already awarded the Red Sox the illustrious title of Daily Douchebag once before, now that they've won their second Series in four years, I plan to hate, not congratulate. In spite of the fact that my ex-boyfriend Benzo, upon waking from his post-Sox winning revelry, will no doubt post some comment busting on the Mariners/Seahawks in retaliation for my anti-BoSox position, and in spite of the fact that the only good thing I can think about this victory is "at least the Yankees didn't win it," I don't have any problem saying that I'm already sick of the Red Sox--and any Assachusetts team, for that matter--being good. If the Patriots win the Super Bowl this year, which judging from the way they've been playing so far this season, they have a very, very good chance at doing, the world is going to have an epidemic of insufferably superior Boston fans refusing to shut up for the next year or ninety.
As far as I am concerned, the World Series this year was about as exciting as a Pampered Chef party minus a box of Franzia white zin, so I barely watched it. Last night, I was recovering so hard from the weekend's festivities that I actually had to leave Sunday football EARLY so I could take a nap for the first two-thirds of World Series game 7. I watched "America's Most Smartest Model" (if only to see Andre shout, "And victory again for the Soviets!") instead of most of the game, and just glared at the TV when I saw that the Sox had won. Man, fuck the Red Sox! The thing is, that even though they have won two championships in the past four years, Red Sox fans are STILL going to complain that it took them so damn long to start doing so. They could win the World Series every year for the next ninety years and Sox fans would still complain that somehow they're getting screwed over, most likely by the malicious specter of and/or a spell cast by the late Babe Ruth, or some other paranormal agent of the Yankees.
Speaking of the Yankees, they are acting as unpalatably arrogant as usual. Note the cover of today's New York Post, and see if you notice how much (or more appropriately, how little) they devote to World Series coverage:
Labels: Assachusetts, Benzo, Daily Douchebag, fuck the Yankees, large exclamatory font, NYC, sportsmen
Monday, October 22, 2007
Daily Douchebag: the Boston Red Sox
DOB: 1901
Occupation: being the second most despicable team in Major League Baseball (after the most hateful loser bitches and their archnemeses, the New York Yankees)
Hometown: Fenway Park, Boston, Assachusetts
Current residence: Fenway Park, Boston, Assachusetts
Douchebaggery: Last week, HotLawyer e-mailed me to request that I bust on the BoSox, and I was more than happy to oblige his request. I was hoping to do it after the Cleveland Indians smote their ruin upon the side of Jacobs Field, but fortune ceased to smile upon the Tribe and the Sox came back to win the damn ALCS last night.
I don't hate the Red Sox with the vitriol I reserve for the New York Yankees, but the Red Sox have caused me nothing but trouble with the honeys throughout my life. My ex-boyfriend Benzo and I had a great relationship with each other...EXCEPT when the Red Sox would run into trouble. I would estimate that 90% of the domestic issues we had were somehow related to the Red Sox and their misfortunes. One time Benzo took me to see the Mariners play the Sox at Fenway Park, and the M's won, and Benzo was a total brat about it the entire way back to Northampton. He wasn't even cheered by the fact that "that guy who was the bad guy in Midnight Run" was sitting behind us. Another time, I talked some shit to him about how the Red Sox were eliminated by the Indians in the 1998 playoffs, and Benzo HUNG UP ON ME! That was the only time in three years he ever slammed the phone down on me, and it was particularly unfair, because the Indians had eliminated the Mariners prior to that and Benzo took great glee in rubbing in their loss. Benzo's mood was so directly related to the Red Sox and their fortunes that I was always SOOOOOO thankful when baseball season was over and we could return to our blissful domestic life together sans whining about the Sox's illustrious history of losing.
More recently, I fucked this dude who blew me off via text message for a "date" (ie: beers followed by sex) watching the damn Red Sox! I know full well that his excuse of eating "bad Thai food" was bullshit; he just wanted to pout about the Red Sox losing in peace, as is the habit of all obnoxious Boston fans. Not that I missed out on great sex or anything because of it (it was more than apropos that he went to UMass, as he was truly a Minuteman), but I still blame the Red Sox entirely for having to spend that Friday night being pissed off and not laid. The Red Sox are terrible losers, worse winners, and legendary cockblockers in my experience, and as far as I'm concerned, the world would be a better place without them.
LL Cool Jew and I have been spending the past week abusing the Sox for these and a variety of other transgressions, the number one being Manny Ramirez. Manny Ramirez is an asshole with terrible personal hygiene. He looks like a damn indigent.
Labels: Assachusetts, assholes, Benzo, Daily Douchebag, fuck the Yankees, sportsmen
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