Wednesday, December 10, 2008

 

Confessions of a Teen Idol Domestic Abuser

CorporateCard e-mailed me today this blurb about a new Vh1 reality series entitled "Confessions of a Teen Idol" with the subject heading "super pathetic-watchability debatable."  For CorporateCard, who is probably one of the few people who can appreciate the subtle genius of shows like "Real Chance of Love" and the upcoming "Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels," to suggest that this show might be "super pathetic" and to question its "watchability" bodes ill indeed.  What could be this horrible show?  I read her e-mail:
VH1 will premiere its new eight-episode reality series Confessions of a Teen Idol January 4 at 8p. The series takes a group of former teen idols from the 80s and 90s and under the tutelage of Scott Baio, former child star now producer Jason Hervey and celebrity psychologist Cooper Lawrence, each are given the tools and confidence to make a career comeback. The heartthrobs include Christopher Atkins, David Chokachi, Billy Hufsey, Jeremy Jackson, Eric Nies, Jamie Walters and Adrian Zmed. The series is co-produced by Bischoff Hervey Entertainment and 3 Ball Productions.
I would wager that this show's potentially pathetic unwatchability is inherent in the fact that I don't know who most of these alleged "teen idols" are.  I mean, who the fuck is Billy Hufsey?  Isn't Christopher Atkins that guy who hates God?  Oh wait, that's Christopher HITCHENS...Christopher Atkins is that guy from The Blue Lagoon.  Needless to say, Vh1 is scraping the bottom of the barrel even harder than they have for "Celebrity Rehab 2," and considering that show managed to drag Rodney King out of the woodwork, it was really stretching the definition of "celebrity" to begin with.  This "Confessions of a Teen Idol" show looks grim indeed, with one notable exception.  This name jumped out at me, not only because I recognized it immediately, but because I was unaware that a moody, abusive proto-John Mayer/construction worker qualified as a "teen idol," but Jamie Walters AKA RAY PRUIT from the greatest show in the history of television "Beverly Hills, 90210" is trying to prove otherwise.

In case you're a little rusty on your college-era Bev Niner, Ray Pruit was Donna Martin's boyfriend for entirely too long.  Ray was this annoying singer/songwriter who was overall a terrible guy to date.  He hated all of Donna's friends, he slept with (totally hot slut) Valerie Malone, he constantly stormed off, and when he got really pissed, he'd verbally abuse Donna with awesome lines like "so typical...you don't get what you want so you turn on the faucets.".  During one episode where the gang went to Palm Springs for a KEG House convention, Ray even pushed Donna down a flight of stairs.  

In addition to tormenting Donna, Ray also tormented the patrons of the Peach Pit After Dark with a string of atrocious musical performances involving an excessively brooding Ray strumming his acoustic guitar and wailing about his feelings.  His onstage skills were entertaining only when they lured his mother LuAnn, a chain-smoking alcoholic who inexplicably speaks with a bad Texas accent despite hailing from Reseda, California, to the After Dark to get wasted on screwdrivers and dance inappropriately with David Silver before tripping over her own hideous rayon floral-print pantsuit.  

Unfortunately, his portrayal of Ray Pruit was so defining a role that his next acting job, as the male lead in Aaron Spelling's short-lived show/band "The Heights," promptly tanked despite the show's theme song "How Do You Talk to an Angel?" hitting number one on the Billboard charts.  Presumably nobody imagined that conversations with a so-called "angel" involves what Todd "Too $hort" Shaw once called a "five-finger hand plant straight across your face to make sure all you bitches understand it."  I have to say, I probably wouldn't be having teen fantasies about a guy after this great moment in televised domestic violence was burned into my memory:

That all said, I'm glad Jamie Walters is still gainfully employed.  I look forward to listening to him whine about being typecast as a wife-beater to Scott Baio and the older brother from "The Wonder Years."

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# posted by Razzy @ 11:46 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

 

Color me a wife-beater

How the mighty have fallen.  Bryan Abrams, once the Jordan Knight or the Justin Timberlake of 90s boy band Color Me Badd, went from international "I Wanna Sex You Up" stardom to being a plain old wimmin' hittin' Okie redneck.  Apparently he got wasted at some bar in Oklahoma City (probably Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill), punched his girlfriend in the face, and started screaming "I'm-a kill you!"  Prince Charming alert, ladies!

It's a good thing Bryan hadn't been drinking anything stronger than soda when he ran into Kelly Taylor at the Bel Age Hotel penthouse vending machine bank during the seminal "Things To Do On a Rainy Day" episode at the end of season two of the greatest show in the history of television, "Beverly Hills, 90210."  Bryan's sobriety allowed him to resist beating Donna Martin's annoying ass to a pulp when he was supposed to be cheering her up after she caught her mom having a torrid extramarital affair during breaks at her "charity convention."  Frankly, I'd be upset too if I was trying to stalk Color Me Badd and instead saw someone as simultaneously shrewish and gross as Felice Martin making out with some old married dude and making some sickening attempt at seduction along the lines of "I hope you saved room for dessert."  I'm not sure that Color Me Badd paying for Peach Pit megaburgers with an acapella rendition of "I Adore Mi Amor" would be my ticket to a happier disposition, but it would be marginally better than an enraged, drunken member of Color Me Badd throwing back one too many Bud Lights while watching NASCAR and screaming death threats as he pops me in the face.  

Then again, I wouldn't complain if Bryan slugged Brandon Walsh in the face for being a dumbass who wears a pencil behind his ear.  Maybe they can bring Bryan and Jason Priestley back to the new series so that can happen.  Think about it, CW!

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# posted by Razzy @ 8:35 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

 

Liveblogging 90210 2.0 or whatevs

I was just going to post my thoughts about last night's premiere episode of "90210" v2.0, which I gathered with my bitches to view at my friend JerseyGirl's house. However, while there, CorporateCard wanted to know why I wasn't "liveblogging" the episode. She works in cable news so she probably wants me to be a citizen reporter or whatever, because my coverage of a bunch of drunk girls watching a trashtastic CW TV show is definitely going to meet a serious need in the world of cable gonzo journalism. After the first scene, in which Ethan, AKA New Dylan McKay, is receiving a BJ from either David Silver/Kelly Taylor's half-sister or a chick who later turns out to be a major druggie, I decided that this wasn't a bad idea, if only to straighten out all the new Niner canon we'd have to absorb. We thought at first the head doctor was the drug chick and were unimpressed with her skills. She doesn't have much endurance in the fellatio department because, according to CorporateCard, "Her name is Poppy Pills. She doesn't have enough strength for blowjobs. She's a pill popper!"

Anyway, with that sort of shit going on, I figured that even if I didn't "liveblog" in the sense of immediately publishing my reportage, I could at least open up my laptop and record some of my thoughts for this morning. I didn't quite love the show as much as JerseyGirl (who announced the close of every commercial break with "OKAY YOU GUYS, QUIEEET, IT'S BACK ON!"), but I have to confess that I was pleasantly surprised by it. It wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been for a show that literally rips off the original Niner premise (Midwestern family–Rob "Kyle McBride from 'Melrose Place'" Estes and Lori "Aunt Becky from 'Full House'" Loughlin and their two similarly aged kids–move to Beverly Hills and try to fit in), and even though Rack pointed out that the New Brenda Walsh looks like a cheap Ali Lohan knockoff, the new Jim and Cindy Walsh are too hot for me to care much. JerseyGirl wouldn't stop raving about Rob Estes–or "Grant Show," as he was mistakenly called several times–being "like, the hottest dad EVER."

There were also enough appearances by former Niner characters to keep me watching. Apart from Brenda Walsh and Kelly Taylor returning to the show, Hannah Zuckerman-Vasquez (almost-bastard daughter of Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman and her cuckolded baby daddy Jesse Vasquez) is the anchor for the West Beverly TV news station ("Good morning, West Beverly High...and buenos dias") and Erin Silver, daughter of hot pieces Jackie Taylor and Mel Silver, DDS, is a main character. Some of the new characters are also awesome. I love Naomi, the slutty New Kelly Taylor, who looks like Jessie Spano with a dash of slutty-ass Lucinda Williams thrown in, and whose name is so reminiscent of the Elizabeth Berkeley's greatest role, Nomi, from Showgirls that I plan to refer to her as Nomi henceforth. Apparently Nomi is on the outs with Silver after spreading gossip that ruined Mel and Jackie's second marriage (as usual, because Mel Silver couldn't keep it in his pants around his dental hygienist staff). I also love the fact that New Brandon Walsh is black (he's adopted, as the dialogue immediately reveals to prevent any confusion that he may be the fruit of Rob Estes and Lori Loughlin's loins), because it's high time Niner added a little splash of diversity to the main cast. Also, Lucille Bluth from "Arrested Development" plays the washed-up, drunk ex-Skinemax actress of a grandmother, Tabitha. From the moment Tabitha steps onto the scene brandishing "an iced tea before noon...with a little Long Island in it," I know I'm going to love her.

By the next scene, she's dishing out advice on how to get back at lacrosse bullies. "Just grab onto those jewels and twist them, like a garbage bag," says Tabitha about ball-squeezing revenge for the possibly racial targeting of the New Brandon Walsh. Later her computer "freezes up" because she spills scotch on the keyboard and suggests that the lacrosse team terrorize their rivals by unleashing a horde of pigs on their pitch or whatever. When Rob Estes suggests she cut back on the boozing, she responds with a dismissive "oh PISH!"

I also love Erin Silver, who just goes by "Silver" because the name "Erin" is too conformist or something. She runs a blog that specializes in eviscerating her social enemies, and may or may not have been the chick sucking off the New Dylan in the opening scene, which prompted all my girlfriends to shriek, "SHE'S THE RAZZY OF THE SHOW!!!" While I have to admire a cocksucking blogger who smotes her enemies' ruin on the mountainside via the power of the internets, I wish that I was such a success in the blogging game. Silver claims she gets "half a million hits" DAILY on her site. As in 500,000 unique hits per day! I'm excited if I get 2,000...clearly I need to get better at making derogatory viral videos about my schoolmates. Apparently there are a lot of people interested in seeing her dressed as the guy from A Clockwork Orange presenting videos hating on various high school classmates who wrong her. Silver also has an itchy blogging finger. When the New Brenda inadvertantly gets dragged to the Peach Pit After Dark with New Kelly Taylor, Silver immediately makes a scathing Flash animation painting her as a slack-jawed yokel for "dissing me to go hang with the Bratz dolls."

I certainly can relate to Silver when she's confronted about her bloggity scandals by her big sister and West Beverly guidance counselor Kelly Taylor, who says, "What are we gonna do about this blog of yours? It does nothing but cause problems." I've seriously had the same conversation with my parents about a dozen times, after I've said something like, "So, uh, don't freak out or anything, Mom, but some chick tried to get me raped via Craigslist" or "So, uh, don't freak out or anything, Mom, but I just got served with a $25,000 defamation suit." Silver responds with, "That's what blogs are supposed to do. Cause problems." Thus far, I can relate to Silver. She's also exactly as hot as the offspring of the incomparable ex-coke snorting hot piece Jackie Taylor and horny oral surgeon Mel Silver should be.

The other teenagers (with the exception of Navid, the New Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman, who looks like some type of literary Criss Angel) are at least intriguing. The drug girl who may or may not be too Viked out to properly fellate the New Dylan is constantly "rollin' hard" (per JerseyGirl) and is constantly in debt to her dealer. She even bursts out in random snatches of druggie song in class and almost gets caught using in class by the New Gil Meyers ("Claim Benadryl," advised CorporateCard sagely). She also apparently is acting in Disney Channel shows to pay her mother's mortgage, but this isn't working out very well because she's usually too fucked up to follow through with her auditions. She's not too fucked up, however, to stand up for Silver's blog-skewering of Nomi (who was publicly humiliated by the New Dylan when he cheated on her) by screaming, "She wasn't rejected, BITCHLIPS!"

The show is not without its problems. As far as the New Brenda and New Brandon are concerned, there's entirely too much sexual tension between brother and sister. They're constantly having their Brenda-Brandon sibling counsels while laying in bed together.

"If you're gonna do it, at least have an Americana quilt underneath," said CorporateCard. "It takes the edge off the incest." There was always some tension between the Original Walshes, but these two new ones make Brenda and Brandon look perfectly tame. At least they're adopted, so if they do screw at some point, their potential offspring won't emerge with a flipper on its head. Then again, Grandma Tabitha just looked at the new Brenda and said, "Look at that ass...you could crack an egg on it." Maybe inappropriate sexual behavior runs in their family.

The new Brenda Walsh is also a whole lot of I don't care. Not only does she look like a misplaced Lohan sister, she shares the Original Brenda's predilection for ill-advised moral freakouts. In fact, at one point Nomi sees her at some party and says, "I didn't expect to see you here, what with all your morals and everything." However, she's no Brenda Walsh in terms of personal style or drama. As CorporateCard wisely noted, "She doesn't have the brains, she doesn't have the bodysuit...NO DEAL!"

In spite of the fact that she's a plain, boring pain in the ass aspiring to dethrone Drug Girl as the queen bee of the West Beverly theaterfag circuit, all the boys seem to like her. New Dylan is vying for her affection with some super-wealthy Bentley-driving douchebag who looks like a cross between Tom Cruise and that guy from "Smallville." Too bad the Original Dylan was a badass who won Brenda's heart by taking nips from airplane bottles of booze and smashing Bel Age Hotel flowerpots in rage. The New Dylan is a lacrosse stud (and since when was FUCKING LACROSSE a popular sport on the West Coast?), and he attempts to woo New Brenda by weaving tales of a mythical five-armed sea creature called a "pentapus." What in the "bitch, please" is that?

The new Gil Meyers also annoys me. He's ten times more interfering and morally self-righteous than the original Gil Meyers, English teacher and faculty advisor of the West Beverly Blaze. He also has already started dating Kelly Taylor after almost bungling it by referring to her four-year-old son as "baggage." Oh yeah, and did I mention Kelly Taylor has a son? I couldn't figure out if her baby daddy is Dylan or Brandon, because while we all thought it was Dylan's, a conversation with Brenda Walsh revealed that Brandon may be somewhat of a deadbeat dad, choosing to live in Belize rather than Beverly Hills with what remains of "the gang." In any event, Kelly Taylor has the little brat wearing CROCS, which is inexcusable, even on a toddler.

Anyway, overall, the new "90210" is hardly the original, but even if it doesn't measure up to the lofty standards set by the greatest show in the history of television, I can still roll with it on Tuesdays. I'd watch it just for Silver's blog-mediated revenge schemes. There was one hilarious number lampooning the public outing of New Dylan cheating on Nomi in which New Dylan says nothing but "I like lacrosse." Silver recognized her own genius.

"I think this may be my best blogisode ever," she notes. At that point JerseyGirl exhorted me to turn on my laptop's webcam and film our own "blogisode," which was a pale imitation of Silver's, to say the least. For one thing, I am no cinematographer, director, or any kind of editor while demonstrating proper blowjob technique on beer bottles via the computer webcam on my lap. For another, I have no idea how to make Flash animations. I could learn a few things from Silver, especially since her skills have netted her HALF A FUCKING MILLION UNIQUE HITS PER DAY!

Anyway, if you're really, really bored, here's our unbelievably shitty "blogisode." Haters can have a field day with my chin:

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# posted by Razzy @ 6:24 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

 

H-90210-LY SHIT!


I've been anticipating this new iteration of the greatest show in the history of television with a healthy measure of skepticism.  Unlike my friend JerseyGirl, who is fervently convinced that this extension of the Bev Niner franchise will recapture all the magic of its sublime predecessor, I think that at best it will be a "meh, I guess it's okay" type of show.  In fact, I think it's even more likely that it's going to totally suck and piss me off.  My little group of Niner aficionados had been planning to resume the cooking classes/excuses to drink that we'd been doing for "I Love New York 2" and "The Hills" a while back, but JerseyGirl is so convinced this new Niner is going to be groundbreaking that she advised our little Niner group in a recent email, "i seriously can't even wait. you guys we are going to have the biggest party EVER on 9.02. everyone plan at being at my house at 7pm. i think maybe we should even just order a pizza because i'm going to have to lend my full attention to the show, as opposed to cooking."

While I plan to comply and show up at 7 with pizza money and a sixer, I have not shared JerseyGirl's optimistic zeal regarding the quality of this show.  However, a recent article interviewing Jennie "Kelly Taylor" Garth and Shannen "Brenda Walsh" Doherty about reprising their historic roles on "90210 2.0" has given me slightly more hope that it will be more intriguing than I expected.
Shannen stated, "All I know is there's a girl giving a guy a blowjob in the first episode."
A WHAT?! This is not the Bev Niner I remember. Sure, the first season of the original Bev Niner wasn't without some scandalous controversy.  There were episodes featuring Jackie Taylor nasally vacuuming up rails the size of a freeway stripe because she "just needs a jump start," Kelly Taylor confessing to being date raped during her freshman year at West Beverly, and Brenda losing her virginity to Dylan at the Spring Dance, but I don't recall anyone performing oral at any point.  In fact, I don't remember a single blowjob throughout the course of the entire decade-long run of the show.  Not even the hottest slut in the original history of the zip code, the inimitable Valerie Malone, ever played anybody's skin whistle while she was busy trolling for conquests at the Peach Pit After Dark.  In fact, the kinkiest thing that ever went down was some light handcuff play that wound up far more comic than sexy (ie: Claire Arnold cuffing herself beneath a protesting Brandon Walsh's "Football: Sports" poster, prompting him to complain that "she's got the body of a centerfold and the personality of a volcano," David Silver begging various cast members swinging by the beach apartment to call a locksmith after attempting to spice up his and the aformentioned Ms. Arnold's sex life with some light impromptu bondage, Steve Sanders confusing law enforcement equipment with Claire's now-infamous sex prop and trapping himself in a hotel room at a police convention).  I guess once Steve Sanders arranged to use the empty Walsh house as a porn set, but that mostly involved some women in lingerie while Steve made a cameo as the pizza guy and demonstrated his knack for the bad Italian "I'm-a make-a you a pizza" accent that once successfully discouraged Emily Valentine's prank calling habit, so that likewise falls under the heading of "hilarious" rather than "risqué."

I'm not going to lie.  I did get excited when I saw these (heavily Photoshopped) pictures, especially the Kelly Taylor "I Will Not Steal My Best Friend's Boyfriend" hot for teacher shot.

However, I'm not convinced that these two slags fighting over Dylan while in their late thirties is going to be nearly as compelling as it was when Kelly was banging Dylan in the Bel Age Hotel pool or Brenda screamed, "Look, I hate you both. Never talk to me again!" I find it hard to believe that, at 35, Brenda will be able to deliver scathing dialogue like "Kelly, if you're trying to lose your bimbo image, I don't think this is going to help." Kelly is a guidance counselor at West Beverly now, so I'm assuming that she somehow managed to lose her bimbo image. In fact, she lost it starting in season 5 of O.G. Niner, when she started dating Brandon Walsh and became almost as morally insufferable as him.

"I am NOT a bimbo, okay?"

"Whatever you say, Kelly. But I was always taught that if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck..."

"GO TO HELL!"

I guess I'll find out tonight if I Niner 2.0 and its blowjobs can measure up to the above lofty standards for entertaining trash.

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# posted by Razzy @ 5:11 AM 1 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, August 21, 2008

 

I miss Valerie more

I saw today that the CW has released a new promo video for Bev Niner 2.0 today featuring none other than the legendary Shannen "Brenda Walsh" Doherty. This video was expressly designed to get my Brendaphile friends like JerseyGirl and Twathopper hyperventilating with excitement. I can practically hear JerseyGirl all the way across the George Washington Bridge in her Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey office shouting "O! M! G! YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!" True to form, Twathopper just e-mailed me about this informing me that "I think I just had an O at my desk."

In case you are dumb and stupid not a fan of the greatest show in the history of television ("Beverly Hills, 90210"...DUH!), let me explain a little bit about Brenda Walsh. The tempestuous younger (by four minutes) twin sister of the insufferably moral Brandon Walsh, she emigrated to America's most infamous zip code when her accountant father Jim was transferred from Minneapolis and immediately commenced starting a bunch of dramatic shit. Prior to the arrival of the duplicitous uber-slut Valerie Malone in season 5, I was always on Team Kelly Taylor, but I have to appreciate Brenda's ability to create some extremely memorable television moments. Here's a brief summary of her scandals:
Granted, Brenda never faked a pregnancy to extort a married guy out of $100,000 or smoked pot out her window while noting, "God, these people are such a bunch of squares" like Valerie Malone, but she had her moments until she was fired from Bev Niner for being a bitch and her character was exiled to drama school in London. Supposedly, Brenda was off becoming a famous actor, director, and all-around theaterfag. Her excuse for returning to West Beverly High is to direct the high school production of Spring Awakening. Isn't that musical supposed to be about teenagers masturbating and committing suicide? That sounds appropriate for high school students as portrayed by the CW. And I can only imagine the kind of performances an accomplished thespian like Brenda will elicit from her high school proteges. Check out her mastery of the craft as Maggie the Cat in the California University production of Tennessee Williams's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Brilliant!

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# posted by Razzy @ 11:41 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

 

Daily Douchebag: Tori Spelling AGAIN


Name: Victoria Davey Spelling

DOB: May 16, 1973

Occupation: reality TV whore, deluded former Donna Martin

Hometown: Beverly Hills, California

Current residence: Hollywood, California

Douchebaggery: The gossip internets informed me yesterday that Tori Spelling pulled out of the new "90210" series yesterday in a huff because she was going to make less money per episode than fellow OG Bev Niner alums Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty. Apparently Tori feels that her dedication to theatercraft (primarily Lifetime movies and a series of appalling reality shows detailing her marriage to that fug Canadian guy) since turning in her Donna Martin midriff-baring baby tees merits more than $10-20K per appearance. She demanded the $30-50K per episode that Kelly Taylor and Brenda Walsh are getting and the producers refused, so she told them something along the lines of, "Have it your way, CW. Let's just see how your little '90210' remake fares without Donna Martin uglying up every episode. Those new kids aren't going to be shopping at Now Wear This anytime soon! Dean and I are just going to take our hellspawn and film more of the unwatchable minutiae of our stomach-churning married life for the Oxygen network! That'll learn you!"

Good thinking, Tori. I'm sure that the loathsome "Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood" is going to be WAY better for your career. Undoubtedly the handful of obese Bichon Frise-stroking fags and gunt-laden housewives watching Oxygen are a far more powerful demographic than the "Gossip Girl" audience. And I'm sure that myself and all my Bev Niner-obsessed friends will really, really miss not having to listen to Donna Martin blaming her constant abject stupidity on dyslexia or vacillate about losing her virginity. I'm already composing an angry missive to the brass at CW, except said correspondence is mainly complaining that they didn't get rid of your ridiculous ass soon enough.

I would be on board with a Donna Martin return on one condition: her character only was involved in absurd situations like the unintentionally hilarious scene where she is discovered by a model scout in Paris thanks to her seductive pastry-eating skills.


While I did shout "Je suis American, and if you don't like it, too bad!" at Alain Bernard the other night during the Olympics, providing accidental comedy was Tori Spelling's primary contribution to the original Bev Niner. Unless Donna Martin was going to return to wear physically restricting prom dresses and Halloween costumes, get drunk off three sips of champagne at prom, catch David Silver banging Babyface's manager in a limo, get slapped around by her loser boyfriend Ray Pruit in Palm Springs, almost die in a brush fire trying to rescue a baby deer, save herself from certain rape by Garrett Slant by calling David Silver "Dave," deliver weather forecasts that match her belly shirt, fight off her stalker Evan Potter by feigning a passionate kiss, and develop a pain pill-and-merlot addiction, I am not interested in seeing any more of Donna Martin. When Donna wasn't doing something completely ludicrous and idiotic, she was basically a waste of space. I would way rather see Kelly Taylor resume her slutty boyfriend-stealing ways and Brenda Walsh open a can of hysterically self-righteous bitchery all over anyone who crosses her path, be it the aforementioned boyfriend-stealing Kelly Taylor or a group of researchers studying sudden infant death syndrome in cats.

Tori Spelling needs a reality check as to her status in the pantheon of Bev Niner greatness. There's a reason why she was always toward the bottom of the credits. In the first few seasons, she even came behind Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman in terms of billing. She only moved up the ranks when the likes of Joe E. Tata, Vincent Young, and Daniel Cosgrove joined the cast. Poorly played, Tori. Poorly played, indeed.

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# posted by Razzy @ 6:11 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: "Beverly Hills, 90210" season 5 DVDs!


Name: "Beverly Hills, 90210" season 5 DVD box set

DOB: July 29, 2008

Occupation: THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION

Hometown: Beverly Hills, California

Current residence: en route to my lab from Barnes and Noble's warehouse

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness:  Many great happenings occur during Bev Niner season 5, but quite possibly the pinnacle of a mountain of awesomeness is the arrival of one hot-ass bitch named VALERIE MALONE:


Valerie was the replacement for the tempestuous and bitchy cunt Brenda Walsh, who moved to attend theater school in London when Shannen Doherty was fired for being a bitchy cunt in real life to her castmates.  Luckily, Valerie brought the drama to fill Brenda's void, and exponentially improved on it.  Brenda was always busy throwing fits for her parents about her high-and-mighty yet inconsistent principles, whining about Dylan McKay, and doing dumb-ass shit like getting arrested for freeing the cats in Buzzkill Zuckerman's sudden infant death syndrome research lab.  Unlike Brenda, who always had some extremely moral pretext for her bitchery, Valerie has no morals whatsoever.  She shows up from her hometown of Buffalo acting like a total goody-two-shoes and by the end of the first episode, is smoking pot out of her window at the Walsh house and telling her friend back home, "God, this people are such a bunch of squares."

Valerie goes on to break Steve Sanders's heart, fuck Dylan cross-eyed at a pool hall without telling him she's the new Brenda, invite her friend to town who promptly steals Donna Martin's mother's jewelry, assist Dylan in conning the con artists who stole his millions to get the money back, attempt to extort a guy out of $100,000 by faking a pregnancy, starts the Peach Pit After Dark, fucks a heroin addict and then thinks she has AIDS, tells everyone at the West Beverly 5-year high school reunion that she "works with the poor," bones David Silver and then talks him out of suicide, has about ten million SUPER bitch-offs with Kelly Taylor, scams Donna's professional shopping clients, fucks Donna's abusive musician boyfriend Ray Pruit, gets accidentally date-raped by Noah Hunter after his brother slips a roofie into her merlot, accidentally gets Brandon arrested when she leaves a joint in her car by the registration, fucks her mother's fiancé the night before their wedding, and generally lies, cheats, steals, and manipulates her way into and out of every situation.  Valerie is a straight up pot-smoking slut with no apparent conscience, at least not until later episodes when she reveals that she is so damaged because her father raped her repeatedly and she popped a cap in his ass, then passed it off as a suicide.  In other words, she may be the most entertaining Bev Niner character ever to grace the greatest show on earth.

Anyway, I can hardly wait until my DVDs arrive and my girls and I can pull up a sixer of brew dogs and a large selection of pepperoni pizza at JerseyGirl or Twathopper's apartments for some quality Niner time.  Thanks to my apartment's paper-thin walls, I've been hearing the theme for the new "90210" issuing from my apparently CW-loving neighbor's apartment for days, so I'm more than in the mood.  SEASON FIVE rules so hard!

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# posted by Razzy @ 9:58 AM 4 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, July 10, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: David Silver


Name: David Silver

DOB: early 1975

Occupation: DJ, master freestyler, backup keyboardist for Babyface, inept nightclub owner, condom and deodorant jingle composer, recovering meth addict, hot nerdy Jew, hot piece!

Hometown: Beverly Hills, California

Current residence: my DVD shelf, Monday through Friday on SoapNet at 5-7 pm

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness:  I'm generally taking this whole lawsuit business with a grain of salt and trying to have a sense of humor about it.  However, it's kind of difficult not be preoccupied by it.  This is the first time I've ever been sued, and it's like the first time I did my own taxes.  Being on one side or another of a civil tort is a normal part of American life, but initially it can seem overwhelming and monumental.  I don't want to bore you all with a bunch of "Daily Dude I Want to Hit: my attorney"-type posts, though, so I thought I would talk about something more fun...namely, the greatest show in the history of television: "BEVERLY HILLS, 90210"!

I noticed the other day that Megan Fox (that Angelina Jolie-wannabe chick from Transformers) dumped Brian Austin Green, prompting a lot of people to say things like "how did David Silver score such a hot piece?"  My question is more along the lines of "how could Megan Fox pass on David Silver?"  David Silver is H.O.T.  For one thing, I heard a rumor that he's hung like a fucking woolly mammoth.  For another, he executed some of the most riveting scenes in all of television as he transitioned from socially leprous nerd to straight-up player-ass pimp over the course of Bev Niner's ten seasons.  Off the top of my head, I can think of ten bitches David Silver boned: Babyface's manager Ariel, Nikki the hippie music lover, that Chloe chick whose demo tape he produced, the inimitable Valerie Malone, Donna Martin (finally), nefarious ex-ice skater Gina Kincaid, closet lesbian Camille, crazy aspiring fame whore Sophie (formerly Sydney Andrews Mancini from "Melrose Place"), that South American chick who worked as a janitor at the Peach Pit After Dark (Claudia?), and that seventeen-year-old who seduced David and then almost busted him for statutory rape.  David Silver was landing more tuna than fucking Star-Kist.

David Silver also had some of the best storylines on Bev Niner.  First he became so cool that they had to kill of his nerdy friend Scott Scanlon, so as not to cockblock David's meteoric rise through the West Beverly High social scene.  During his high school reign, he not only managed to overcome racial issues by rapping at the West Beverly-Shaw homecoming dance, he also rocked the halls via his amazing broadcasts on WBVH high school radio.  He rode the wave of his musical notoriety all the way to getting crabs from Babyface's slutty manager Ariel in the back of a limo.  Then he got into meth in college, leading to one of the most hilarious dramatic drug disposal/busts in the history of television, in which Dylan helps David instantly kick meth and then pour like 5 keys of it (along with approximately 10 pounds of random pills) down the beach apartment toilet right before a DEA team in full SWAT regalia busted in.   He also proved a quick study in handling criminal crises, as he saved Donna from rapist Garrett Slant when he knew something was wrong because she called him "Dave."  Later in college, he tried his hand at talent management, until he got too offended by the racist band he was managing telling him "you people sure know how to squeeze money out of a wallet...AH-JEW!"  When this didn't work out, he gave nightclub management a shot, at least until he ran the Peach Pit After Dark into the ground and had to steal Donna's money to pay the rent.  After living off the royalties from the one hit song he wrote for the shiteous emo rock band Jasper's Law and his condom and deodorant jingles, he secured a permanent position returning to his roots as a radio DJ.  Unfortunately, he ended the series on a sour note when he married Donna in the most obnoxious, boring wedding in prime-time soap opera history, but overall, David Silver was a totally hot piece of ass and you wouldn't have to ask me twice to hit that.   Besides, he's the offspring of one of the hottest supporting characters in all of television, Dr. Mel Silver, DDS, and it makes sense that David sprung from loins that spent 99% of their time banging 19-year-old dental hygienists and occasionally Jackie Taylor.

If you're rolling your eyes and thinking, "ENOUGH with the Bev Niner...David Silver is a suck-ass nerd who wore way too many Cross Colours shirts in 1993," then let me persuade you of his awesomeness with one of his shining moments.  David Silver singlehandedly managed to create racial harmony when the black kids from Shaw High showed up at a West Beverly dance via line dance-inducing hip-hop in one of white rap's most glorious moments.  Brace yourself, because you might literally be blown out of your chair by the stunning awesomeness of this moment. Take a deep breath and prepare to have your face rocked off, as I give you...SWITCH IT UP:


I jiggity jack jack jack to miggity mack, to switch it up, G!  Swiggity switch it up!

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# posted by Razzy @ 7:05 AM 1 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

 

Hottest Smith alumnae on the planet

It's that time of the quarter again! What time, you ask? Time for the new edition of the Smith Alumnae Quarterly! What do you mean, "I didn't go to Smith, I don't get the Smith Alumnae Quarterly?" You don't have to go to Smith to read the greatest magazine in the world! Who wouldn't want to read articles about subjects like a scrappy band of student activists creatively calling themselves "Coke Off Campus" rallied together on behalf of bottling plant employees in Colombia (seriously, they bottle COKE at sweatshops...in Colombia?) and India to ban Coca-Cola products from the Campus Center, or how some chick got a job at Google thanks to the all-powerful alumnae network (which, I should add, has yet to do shit for me besides give Tej Bindra my home address so she could conspire with her friends to get me raped by an inadvertent pervert on Craigslist)? This shit is more informative than the damn Economist!

Okay, I kid...I don't even get the SAQ anymore since I think they put me on probation after the Tej Offensive, which was started by Tej Bindra '07 calling me an assfuck and suggesting I get some Zoloft to treat my tendency to make fun of dumb SAQ articles about the dorm room she shared with her fellow flatchested Dar Williams aficionado. The last time I got a SAQ, I promptly douchebagged the entire magazine, and I think that was the last straw that broke the cameltoe's back. Presumably they booted me from the subscription list, because I haven't received a SAQ since. Oh well, who needs a SAQ to prove that she's got a "baccalaureum artibus" degree from Smith when she's got a fancy leather bound diploma--with seals and Latin and everything--tucked safely away in her bedside table with her vibrators, condoms, and lube?

Anyway, there's a section in the back of the SAQ that you can send updates to about whatever the fuck you've been up to at Smith. Usually it's along the lines of "some dumb bitch from Talbot House got married" or "some dumb bitch from Chase House just had her second kid" or "some dumb bitch from Northrop House just got another master's degree." Luckily, my friends have JerseyGirl to send in our updates. JerseyGirl is on the board of the Smith College Club of New York, and while she's given up trying to get me to do things like attend Christmas tree lightings on Sundays during NFL season or go to $100-a-head art history lectures, she felt duty bound to report on how our little group of friends has been keeping busy. Unfortunately, she probably had one too many brewdogs before she sent off our update:
JerseyGirl '02 is a television news producer in Manhattan. She was recently elected to the New York Smith club board of directors and organizes events and parties for the club. JerseyGirl hangs out with Razzy '00, FalloniusMonk '01, and Rack '01, during monthly 90210 parties and weekly get-togethers that include cooking and watching the awesomeness that is VH1 reality programming...JerseyGirl regularly sees lots of other Smithies in New York City, most of whom were at the wedding of LL Cool Jew '02 in April '07.
This rules so hard. While everyone else was out getting married, procreating, or adding more letters behind their name, JerseyGirl announces that we've all been watching Bev Niner and "I Love New York." She seems embarrassed that she actually bragged to the SAQ that we're into "the awesomeness that is VH1 reality programming" instead of the typical boring Smith alumnae crap. I mean, I have gotten two master's degrees since Smith and by next year I'm going to make every motherfucker I meet call me "Doctor," but who cares about that? I'd certainly rather hear about how we loyally watch DVDs of the greatest show in the history of television and teach JerseyGirl how to make grilled cheese sandwiches during commercial breaks in "Flavor of Love 3" and "The Hills." Smith College must be so proud.

Go Pioneers!

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# posted by Razzy @ 7:02 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

 

Daily Douchebag: boat

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Name: phencyclidine

DOB: first synthesized in 1927, patented in 1952

Occupation: making bitches CRAZY

Hometown: the lab

Current residence: Ray J's hotel room

Douchebaggery:  Yesterday LL Cool Jew posed a strange query to me:
LL Cool Jew: what's "club drug called boat", precious, eh?
Razzy: club drug called boat? idk
Razzy: are you doing a crossword or something?
LL Cool Jew: no no
LL Cool Jew: i'm reading the celeb internets
LL Cool Jew: ray j was kicked out of a dc hotel for possession of marijuana "and a club drug called boat" ????????????????????
Razzy: per urban dictionary
Razzy: it means "1000 tabs of ecstasy"
Razzy: oh it also can mean "weed soaked in embalming fluid and laced with PCP. gives you scary ass trips. stay away from this shit, kids."
Razzy: per tupac, aka "trippin' on sherms"
LL Cool Jew: oh my
LL Cool Jew: LOL
LL Cool Jew: sherms
After a bit more research on the internets, I have come to the conclusion that "boat" is new slang for PCP.  I had no idea people were still doing PCP.  PCP, or "angel dust" as my grade school's visiting D.A.R.E. rep Officer Sokolik called it, seemed outdated even in the late 80s when my class received our drug education.  In fact, when Rodney King was beaten for supposedly being on PCP, I was dubious even at age 13 that PCP was anything besides something for grown-ups to tell drug horror stories about.  I've heard that being on PCP gave people super strength, made them impervious to pain, and made them insane, but I figured that as far as mind-altering psychosis-inducing drugs go, crack and (in my neck of the woods) crystal meth were realistically more popular with the hardcore drug set.

Certainly I've never seen anyone using PCP.  Every once in awhile in college I'd hear an isolated report of someone freaking out after smoking pot and then attributing said freak-out to the weed being laced with PCP, but I'm pretty sure this was just a guess in most cases.  I've managed to find a weed connection everywhere I've ever lived, but if I were inclined to do PCP, I would have absolutely no idea where to even get it.  Certainly none of the dealers I've ever met trade in PCP.  I guess now I know that in the extremely unlikely event that I decide to try PCP, I should ask around to see if anyone has a "boat" hookup.  Given that most of my friends have real jobs and lives and that sort of thing, the most any of them ever do is smoke some weed from time to time and MAYBE indulge in some coke or some mushrooms every once in awhile.  I don't expect that many (or ANY) of them would be able to score some angel dust.  The only strategy I can think of that might work is to go exchange an egg at a random convenience store, find my way to an underground club, and look for the guy with the boat on his shirt.  Okay, maybe that was an episode of "Beverly Hills, 90210," and maybe apart from Emily Valentine slipping it into an oblivious Brandon Walsh's Sprite, I've never heard of the drug U4EA much less it being sold by guys with large 4's on their shirts, but that goes to show you how in touch I am with any drug scene beyond the liberal arts college graduate pot scene.
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I was always under the impression that as far as drugs go, PCP can make you especially psychotic and dissociative, and I'm annoyed that this is now making a comeback.  If there's anything more aggravating than a bunch of fucked-up club kids, it's a bunch of them on some kind of hallucinogenic drug.  I remember one time in college I went to this "rave" (as much as a party in the basement of a house at Smith College can be considered a "rave") and there were all these ugly girls wearing glo-sticks and baggy pants and dancing retardedly because they were all on ecstasy.  The last thing I want to see when I go to a bar is a bunch of idiots having psychotic breaks because they overdid it in the "boat" department.  I can just hope that PCP really does have the horrific consequences that Officer Sokolik warned us about back in 1988, and that these dumbasses start jumping out of windows believing they can fly and breaking into tiger enclosures at the zoo and other lethally stupid acts.  The resurgence of PCP is the lamest thing I've ever heard of. 

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# posted by Razzy @ 5:54 AM 1 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

 

Okay, that's it, my head is going to explode

Knowing my affinity for a certain 90s prime-time soap opera about the greatest 5-digit number in the history of zip codes, a lot of people have asked me, "Have you heard they're coming out with a new spinoff of 'Beverly Hills, 90210'?"

Um...DUH! Yes, of course I heard! I've been e-mailing my fellow Niner-addicted acquaintances concerning this show about every last little casting detail since I first heard the news. I mean, come on. I didn't get to be #60 out of some 48,000 in the trivia section of the Facebook Bev Niner application by ignoring breaking Bev Niner-related entertainment news. I simply haven't commented because I've been on an emotional roller coaster about it. Initially, I didn't believe that it would ever be anything besides a rumor. Then, I figured that it would be an embarrassing stain tarnishing the original's sublime perfection. Then, I heard that the chick who played that slut Eden on "Nip/Tuck" was cast as the new Kelly Taylor, and I thought, "Well, okay, this isn't all bad." Then there was one totally awesome casting choice after the next: Aunt Becky from "Full House" as the considerably MILFier new Cindy Walsh, Lucille Bluth from "Arrested Development" as some sort of Joan Collins-esque matriarch (who hopefully hangs out drinking and doing blow with Jackie Taylor), some guy from "The Wire" who I haven't heard of but everyone tells me is awesome as the black Brandon Walsh, some girl from another reputedly awesome trashy teen show "Degrassi: The Next Generation" as the new Brenda, Kyle McBride from "Melrose Place" as a hot new Jim Walsh, and Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling reprising their original Kelly Taylor and Donna Silver nee Martin roles. Apparently, after a varied career as a reputed slut, free clinic administrator, boutique owner, PR executive, and wannabe social worker, Kelly Taylor decided to settle down as a guidance counselor at West Beverly. Nobody is quite clear what Donna is up to, but I would assume she's still trying to corner the market for home-sewn track-working hooker outfits at Now Wear This. After hearing all this, I decided that the new "90210" is an absolute must-watch. If the CW puts that on right after "Gossip Girl," let's just say that I'll be easy to find on Monday nights. I mean, "Gossip Girl" at 8, "90210 (2.0)" at 9, and "The Hills" at 10?! That's a trifecta of trashtastic TV teen awesomeness. It's a really good thing that Monday Night Football matchups usually suck (and the Seahawks don't even have a Monday night game next season), because I'm already anticipating a major conflict in terms of my Monday television habits.

Well, the CW has released a sneak preview of the show, including the retooled theme song (which I'm not sure I like so much) and interviews with the cast. I say props to the producers for retaining one of the most treasured scenes from the show intro: the moment where Brandon fake-punches Dylan in time with the "tsch-tsch" sounds in the theme song. Except in the new Niner intro, it's a more modern, slightly less latently homoerotic knuckle pounding. Daps, bra!

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Anyway, here's the sneak preview. It looks awesome! "Cooler, sexier, and more provocative," according to the promo voiceover. But DOES it have awesome dialogue on par with "she's got the body of a centerfold and the personality of a volcano" and "so...I hear you're into videotape"?

I like how the new male Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman has turned the West Beverly Blaze from one long, pathetic high school wannabe version of a Bob Woodward investigative report into "something like 'Access Hollywood.'" I also like the fact that the "Silver" character's name seems to suggest that she is possibly the spawn of a certain David and Donna Silver...which means that there could be some guest appearances by her very hot grandfather, Dr. Mel Silver, DDS! YES! In other progeny of original Niner cast members news, last night on E! I saw Luke Perry making cryptic references to Dylan McKay "fathering children all over the world" (except in Beverly Hills, where his one pregnancy scare just turned out to be Brenda's cycle acting wonky). I interpreted these statements to mean that in addition to Donna-David spawn, one of Dylan McKay's international bastards might make an appearance on the new show. If Jack McKay and/or Special Agent Christine Pettit show up to reprise their roles, I might just be able to go ahead and die knowing I've had at least one moment of sheer joyous contentment.

This is just too much for me. I am so deliriously excited for the second coming of Bev Niner that I don't even know how I am going to wait for fall. It better not fucking suck.

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# posted by Razzy @ 6:41 AM 1 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

 

The eternal question

For years, man has pondered a great mystery, and I'm not talking about the meaning of life or whether God exists.  I'm talking about WHO is the hotter douchebag in "Beverly Hills, 90210" season 4, Dan Rubin or Roy Randolph?  Philosophers have debated this for centuries, and by "philosophers" I mean myself, JerseyGirl, and Twathopper, and by "centuries" I mean since last Friday.

Like most intensely complicated questions, there is no easy answer.  Although I realize that a question of this magnitude is a lot to ponder, I now have to ask the internets to weigh in, because this debate is simply too great and intense to be addressed by a small consort of rabid Bev Niner fans.  So, without further ado, take it away, internets:

WHO IS HOTTER: DAN RUBIN OR ROY RANDOLPH?

Dan Rubin

The son of a wealthy family from Encino, California, Dan Rubin was supplementing his undoubtedly meager English lit grad student stipend with free room and board as a residential advisor at California University's dorms.  There he met freshman Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman, and, after a lot of lame debates about feminism and whether or not the Alpha Omega sorority is antisemitic, manages to take her V-card.  Unfortunately, Dan Rubin invites Buzzkill to a party at his parents' house, where she falls decisively in love with bartending law student Jesse Vasquez and dumps Dan Rubin on his bike short-clad ass.

Pros: 
  • Smart and articulate (getting Ph.D in English lit)
  • Nerdy Jew (this is fucking SMOKING hot in my book)
  • Chivalrous (won't bang Buzzkill immediately when she tells him she's a virgin, because he wants it to be "special" for her)
  • Skanky (doesn't need to be asked twice to go hit the sheets in the afternoon with his student)
Cons:
  • Long hair
  • Willing to fuck Buzzkill Zuckerman, indicating a severe lack of taste
  • Wears spandex, a fabric no man has any business putting on unless he's either a gymnast or an American Gladiator (his hobby is bike-riding)
  • Lives in freshman dorm even though he's probably pushing 30 (which might explain why he liked Buzzkill so much)
  • Doesn't handle rejection well 
  • Possibly racist against Mexicans (although in fairness, this might just be him hating on Jesse Vasquez for stealing his bitch)
Roy Randolph

A sort-of prestigious director of various college theater productions, Roy Randolph cleverly pits Kelly Taylor, Brenda Walsh, and Laura Kingman against each other for the role of Maggie the Cat in Tennessee Williams's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.  Brenda is unhappy about Kelly's involvement, since she was the one who spent hours in the California University library periodicals section stalking Roy Randolph via microfiche.  Kelly ultimately drops out, causing Roy Randolph to trumpet that he was gravely disappointed at her choice not to escape her "frivolous little life" by agreeing to a lead role on the infamous stage of California University's theater department.  In the ensuing battle between Brenda and Laura, Brenda makes up for a poor audition performance by going over to Roy Randolph's crib and doing...the scene over again.  However, everyone thinks Brenda slept with him because Roy Randolph is noted for banging all his leading ladies.  Once Brenda gets over feeling like Kelly (ie: a big slut), she parlays her success with Roy Randolph into a one-way ticket to study drama in London and leave the world's greatest zip code for good.

Pros:
  • Educated
  • Famous enough to have had his picture in the paper
  • Has a Harry Hamlin-meets-Viggo Mortensen thing going on
  • He's in theater and is presumably not gay, judging by all the actress notches on his belt
  • Smooth when it comes to bullshitting the ladies 
Cons:
  • Arrogant asshole (informs Kelly her life will be ruined if she doesn't participate in his dumb college play)
  • Looks like one of the Three Musketeers in a bad print vest and an even worse print shirt
  • Newspaper photographs of him WAY hotter than the real thing
  • Long hair
  • Bad theaterfag accent ("let go of your crrrrrrrrutch!")
So there you have the facts; now please help settle this debate once and for all by weighing in.  Who is hotter, Dan Rubin or Roy Randolph?  DISCUSS.

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# posted by Razzy @ 6:50 AM 5 Comments Links to this post

Monday, May 12, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: choice supporting "90210" cast members

Name: Dr. Mel Silver, DDS, Special Agent Christine Pettit, Jackie Taylor, Emily Valentine, Jack McKay, John Sears, D'Shawn Hardell, Lucinda Nicholson, Noah Hunter's date rapist brother Josh, and Dan Rubin

DOB: 1990-2000

Occupation: stealing scenes, breaking hearts

Hometown: wherever Aaron Spelling and E. Duke Vincent put up Darren Star and his writers

Current residence: my fantasies

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: There is a lot of unsung hotness on the greatest show in the history of television AKA "Beverly Hills, 90210" that often goes unrecognized. Sure, everyone can recognize what a fine piece of ass Steve Sanders is (NOT KIDDING...hottest mullet-sporting, Vette-driving jock prankster ever), but how many people besides myself can remember who Christine Pettit even is, much less properly recognize her hotness? So today, in honor of me being hooked on my season 4 DVDs, I have decided to give some much-needed praise and admiration to those Bev Niner supporting characters that get me all bothered.

Dr. Mel Silver, DDS

Mel is a hot piece and before you argue with this, let me remind you that for his full decade-long tenure as David's father on the show, he was constantly banging barely legal dental hygienists. As he noted in an intense scene during season three, "So I'm a BASTARD, okay? What do you want from me? I LIKE WOMEN. I have a problem." I don't consider that a problem, since this means Mel might be down for a night of dirty extramarital passion in a suite at the Bel Age with yours truly. And oh, MAN, do I love nerdy Jewish guys, and bespectacled dentists fit that bill. I'd certainly hit one who not only dispenses brilliant player advice like "tell beautiful women that they're smart, and smart women that they're beautiful," but who can include the term "oral" in his professional title.

Special Agent Christine Pettit

We don't find out that she's a FBI agent until season 7, but when Christine Pettit first waltzes into the Bel Age Hotel on Jack McKay's arm as his MILFy girlfriend, she is still every bit a hot fucking piece. She's always decked out in sequined gowns, has impeccable manners, and looks like she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. Later, when it is revealed that Christine Pettit is actually Special Agent Christine Pettit, and she runs around in her navy federal agent suit, I practically go into convulsions of lesbian cougar desire. Two words were invented to describe Christine Pettit: HOT PIECE.

Jackie Taylor

Television has never known such a hard-core coke addict and boozehound as Jackie Taylor in season 1's classic episode "Perfect Mom." When Jackie Taylor comes home, freshly dumped, missing one gigantic pearls-and-fishing lure clip-on earring, and eye makeup that can only be described as a female approximation of the Hamburglar starts screaming at Kelly about pouring out her bottle of Popov vodka, I get chills thinking of her tremendous abilities as an actress. When Jackie wakes up, does a rail of coke the bigger than her gaudy-ass tennis bracelet, and bitches at Kelly, "I just need a jump start!", I am in awe of her rock star capabilities. Of course, this all ends in disaster when Jackie crashes and burns at the West Beverly mother-daughter fashion show by repeating "And now, from the wilds of Minneapolis, Sandy and Brenda Walsh, and Angela Zuckerman" one too many times, sending Jackie to rehab, but I've never been able to table my fond memories of Jackie the vodka-guzzling coke fiend. Jackie's legendary struggles with addiction help out in later years when she handles confronting Mel Silver's infidelity, Kelly's diet pill (and later, cocaine) addiction, and David Silver's meth habit like an old pro.

Emily Valentine
The thing about girls who are certifiably insane is that they usually can fuck like wild animals. I imagine this is probably true about Emily Valentine, who dealt with rejection by fabricating ridiculous scenarios allowing her access to Brandon Walsh's bed and beloved Walsh '87 Minnesota Twins jersey, wreaking such havoc with the Walsh family answering machine as to prompt Jim to threaten to call the phone company, and attempting to burn down the homecoming float the gang all worked so hard to build. Since I myself pulled similar crazy bullshit in high school (right down to Emily's fondness for home hair bleach jobs and ill-fitting men's clothes), I can relate to Emily. Okay, I never slipped U4EA into anyone's drink to "bring a new couple closer," but I did pull a little bit of a crazy--albeit harmless--stalker routine with my ex-girlfriend when I was 16. Like Emily, who went on to study marine biology at the prestigious Cousteau Institute, I wised up, went to therapy, and cracked the science books, eventually emerging with my sanity and some important life lessons learned. And I can still fuck like a wild animal. I bet Emily is the same way.

Jack McKay
He's hot as Roman from "Days of Our Lives," and he's sure as shit hot-as-hell as the late (but not really) sketchy junk bond trader Jack McKay. From the moment he gets out of jail, Jack is back to chatting up sketchy associates on his giant limo phone, popping bottles of champers, and wearing only the finest in Members Only casualwear. When not trying to get his hands on Dylan's trust fund or throwing extravagant parties at his base of operations (the Bel Age Hotel), he's busy effing Christine Pettit cross-eyed. I'd take Jack over Dylan's crybaby brooding ass any day.

John Sears
John Sears is one of those guys who just exudes "I'm a total dickhead" vibes. You know just by looking at John Sears that he's the type of guy who will try to bone disadvantaged teenagers at the KEG/Alpha joint Downey House Thanksgiving party, or who will try to capitalize on Kelly Taylor's slutty reputation and then say, "What do you think I'm here for, your brilliant freshman repartee?" when she has the gall to decline his offer of sex. He's the kind of guy who I would consider a complete and TOTAL dirtbag, but who I would probably fuck anyway and then spend the next day hating myself for. He's probably a jackhammerer with a small dick, which is why he obviously spends so much time getting his swell on in the California University weight room, but I do love me a large, muscly KEG man.

D'Shawn Hardell
California University's star shooting guard was a little reluctant to maintain his own academic eligibility, and even went through the trouble of threatening to tattle on his tutor Brandon about how Brandon was fucking Professor Randall's wife (later negated since Randall gave D'Shawn an undeserved grade on a midterm) to avoid doing his homework, but eventually saw the light and cracked the books when a knee injury sidelined him for a season. I question how much D'Shawn actually learned, since he then dated Donna Martin for two episodes (although that didn't last long, since I assume D'Shawn discovered that Donna doesn't do what he calls "the sweet thing" and moved on to some campus hoochie who acted like a slut as well as dressed like one). I was sad when the gang graduated and D'Shawn was never heard from again, though...until he appeared in a "Grey's Anatomy" episode or two married to that fat doctor. Oh, D'Shawn, D'Shawn, D'Shawn.

Lucinda Nicholson
Like me, Lucinda is an "ABD" grad student...all but dissertation. Unlike me, Lucinda studies social science AKA "soft" science (bitch isn't hardcore), and actually has to teach classes. Also unlike me, Lucinda managed to parlay her teaching assignments into opportunities to "hit the sheets" with hot undergrads (if you can consider Brandon Walsh "hot"). While I've managed to bag a couple grad students in my time, I have nothing on Lucinda, as I'm not married to any tenured professors so involved in the school basketball team as to fake grades and I don't routinely stalk any of my former conquests (I learned my lesson about that during my teenage Emily Valentine years). However, Lucinda is one of those characters that exudes sex from every pore even when lifting weights or giving feminist lectures at Take Back the Night rallies, and I commend her for filling her miserable grad student years with the ass-pieces of her choosing. Good show, Lucinda.

Josh Hunter
Josh was only around for two or three episodes, and in that time, he slipped Valerie Malone a roofie only to have his brother Noah accidentally rape her afterward. Clearly, Josh is an even bigger shithead than the aforementioned John Sears. However, Josh is a hot piece and he wouldn't even have to pop Rohypnol into my glass of merlot, because I'd hit that sober. He's a good-looking man. Furthermore, he's on "Battlestar Galactica" as one of the final five Cylon models, although I wouldn't know anything about that because I totally don't watch "Battlestar Galactica." I'm not a SciFi nerd and just because my TV accidentally malfunctioned and I saw a few minutes or maybe a couple seasons of it, doesn't mean that I'm into anything like that. ANYWAY! Josh Hunter was the hottest date rapist ever.

Dan Rubin
Last Friday while watching some season 4 DVDs, JerseyGirl and I had a debate over who is better looking, Dan Rubin, hot English grad student who took Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman's virginity, or Roy Randolph, effete faux-British director of the CU production of Tennessee Williams's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I say Dan Rubin all the way, and that's in spite of my aversion to guys with long hair. Dan Rubin may have had terrible taste in women (again, he fucked Buzzkill and professed his love, even when she dumped him for Jesse Vasquez), and he may have had a douchebag haircut, but he ran a tight Introductory English study session and he's just the kind of nerd I like: world-weary yet optimistic, laid back yet athletic, and a big fan of books. Plus, he didn't look like he just breezed into town as part of some homosexual circus troupe.

Indeed, Bev Niner is the greatest show in the history of television because even the minor characters are hot pieces. You really can't do better than this show. Really.

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# posted by Razzy @ 6:15 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

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