Monday, November 27, 2006
Fergie is weak
For some reason, some of my friends continue to argue with me about whether or not the shiteous, pant-pissing Fergie has had plastic surgery. In fact, she has had her face carved up like the (spectacular) turkey I made this Thanksgiving, and, I suspect, some gender reassignment work done on her plumbing. Regardless of what Fergie is rocking in her nether regions, thanks to her new solo album, the world is being tormented with an entire album's worth of her "music," which is a euphemism for "potent inducer of suicidal ideation." However, Fergie's increased media exposure, curse to humanity though it may be, has resulted in gems like the video below popping up on YouTube. This is from season five of the "Mickey Mouse Club"-ripoff show "Kids, Inc.", in which Fergie covers Belinda Carlisle's "I Get Weak" while wandering around a discarded set from Clash of the Titans in an outfit reminiscent of both Little Bo Peep and that chick from Gladiator who was torn between fucking Russell Crowe and (her brother) Joaquin Phoenix:
This pre-op video should definitively prove that Fergie did indeed spend copious amounts of time at Dr. 90210's office getting her entire fucking face reconstructed. See for yourself:
First off, the bitch absolutely had her eyes done. Note how preteen Roman aristocrat Fergie's eyebrows hang steadily, with a natural curve, on her brow ridge. Now look at post-op tranny Fergie's eyebrows, which look like a half-pipe between her eyes. THAT'S FROM SURGERY!
Second, regarding Fergie's mouth, I have just two words to say: LIP ENHANCEMENT. See how markedly larger Fergie's bottom lip has become? Lips don't get bigger as you age unless you go see a nice doctor who injects them full of collagen.
Also, note the lines around Fergie's mouth and nose. I'm-an-extra-in-the-cast-of-"Rome" Fergie's face has only the natural lines that occur when you smile or talk. However, old stank ho Fergie has ditches in her face large enough to pass for a castle moat. This occurs because of more prominent cheekbones stretching the skin. Since cheekbones also don't increase in mass between the ages of sixteen and forty (or however old Fergie's broke ass is now), I'm putting my money on major cheek implants. This is indisputable; it looks like she has shoulder blades on her face, for God's sake!
There are also marked differences in her chin. See how young mythological Fergie's chin rounds to a point? I'm guessing that as she grew older and decided to reinvent herself as a maddeningly annoying self-proclaimed hip-hop artist, she decided that her chin was too long. Undoubtedly she couldn't feel confident singing aural holocausts like "Fergalicious" unless she had Gargamel from "The Smurfs"'s chin.
Finally, we get to the piece de resistance: Fergie's nose. Originally, her nose was not particularly attractive, and somewhat similar to a pig's (or, alternatively, a Chingy!'s) snout. While there wasn't much for the surgeon to work with (last I checked, they haven't invented nose transplants yet, otherwise Michael Jackson wouldn't be frightening away all the children he's trying to molest with his scary schnozz), Fergie definitely had the bridge of her nose shaved down and trimmed on the sides. That shit has rhinoplasty written all over it.
I'm not even going to get started on all the bodywork Fergie's had done except to say that prior to being on her chest, her tits were probably previously stored under airplane seats for use in case of a water landing. This bitch has had so much surgery, she makes Joan Rivers seem like a natural beauty in comparison. I think that the debate about Fergie's surgical status ends here, and I win. She's had LOTS of it. And she'll probably still have more, right in time for her next album to drop like the turd that it is.
This pre-op video should definitively prove that Fergie did indeed spend copious amounts of time at Dr. 90210's office getting her entire fucking face reconstructed. See for yourself:
First off, the bitch absolutely had her eyes done. Note how preteen Roman aristocrat Fergie's eyebrows hang steadily, with a natural curve, on her brow ridge. Now look at post-op tranny Fergie's eyebrows, which look like a half-pipe between her eyes. THAT'S FROM SURGERY!
Second, regarding Fergie's mouth, I have just two words to say: LIP ENHANCEMENT. See how markedly larger Fergie's bottom lip has become? Lips don't get bigger as you age unless you go see a nice doctor who injects them full of collagen.
Also, note the lines around Fergie's mouth and nose. I'm-an-extra-in-the-cast-of-"Rome" Fergie's face has only the natural lines that occur when you smile or talk. However, old stank ho Fergie has ditches in her face large enough to pass for a castle moat. This occurs because of more prominent cheekbones stretching the skin. Since cheekbones also don't increase in mass between the ages of sixteen and forty (or however old Fergie's broke ass is now), I'm putting my money on major cheek implants. This is indisputable; it looks like she has shoulder blades on her face, for God's sake!
There are also marked differences in her chin. See how young mythological Fergie's chin rounds to a point? I'm guessing that as she grew older and decided to reinvent herself as a maddeningly annoying self-proclaimed hip-hop artist, she decided that her chin was too long. Undoubtedly she couldn't feel confident singing aural holocausts like "Fergalicious" unless she had Gargamel from "The Smurfs"'s chin.
Finally, we get to the piece de resistance: Fergie's nose. Originally, her nose was not particularly attractive, and somewhat similar to a pig's (or, alternatively, a Chingy!'s) snout. While there wasn't much for the surgeon to work with (last I checked, they haven't invented nose transplants yet, otherwise Michael Jackson wouldn't be frightening away all the children he's trying to molest with his scary schnozz), Fergie definitely had the bridge of her nose shaved down and trimmed on the sides. That shit has rhinoplasty written all over it.
I'm not even going to get started on all the bodywork Fergie's had done except to say that prior to being on her chest, her tits were probably previously stored under airplane seats for use in case of a water landing. This bitch has had so much surgery, she makes Joan Rivers seem like a natural beauty in comparison. I think that the debate about Fergie's surgical status ends here, and I win. She's had LOTS of it. And she'll probably still have more, right in time for her next album to drop like the turd that it is.
Labels: Fergie, plastic surgery, pro-apocalyptic zeitgeist, retard rage
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