Friday, October 17, 2008

 

A dangling C.H.U.D.

I've gotten a couple e-mails regarding a certain SUPER hot photo from the master debate the other evening.  It seems that despite the widespread circulation of this shot on the internets, my mom, GayMan, and a couple of random Razzyphiles just had to e-mail me to make sure it didn't escape my notice that the officer and a hot piece known as Senator John McCain (R-AZ) looked like he was being transmogrified into one of the creatures dwelling in the fell city of Minas Morgul after catching a glimpse of old Pointy Pelvis Obama's ass:



I don't know how I missed McCain doing this live, because I certainly watched the debate.  It may have something to do with the fact that I watched it at a bar and had already knocked back a Dos Equis or fifty.  I also was thrown off because during the debate there had been a lot of cheering for McCain, and I thought maybe I was in good company.  Then, however, when the cheering continued after the debate I realized that everyone was getting excited about the Phillies game on one of the other bar TVs, and as usual I was the only McCainiac around.  In any event, I had other things on my mind than spotting fleeting moments when McCain apparently gave in–if only for a moment–to his insatiable craving for smug, condescending Illinois senator flesh.  I wish I had seen it, though, because I've been saying for a long time that we need a C.H.U.D. in the White House.  For one thing, a cannibalistic, possibly undead president would strike a lot more fear into the hearts of evildoers everywhere than a brainy law professor.  For another, I'd like to see those socialist homos in Europe complain about our warmongering ways while facing the threat of being ravenously devoured by our fearless leader for their gall.   My election preference continues to be validated by Senator McCain's total awesomeness.  JOHN! MC! CAIN!  JOHN! MC! CAIN!

*RAZZY Edit: No sooner did I publish this than I was asked, "What the f is a C.H.U.D.?"  Apparently I am the only one around here with any appreciation for the cinematic masterpieces of the 1980s.  C.H.U.D. is a movie about some John McCain-looking things with glowing eyes that live under New York City in the abandoned subway tunnels and occasionally venture up from their subterranean digs to eat hot 80s chicks with spiral perms.  It's a really realistic movie, because I can't tell you how many narrow escapes I have made from hungry C.H.U.D.s since moving to New York six years ago.  Take a gander at the awesome trailer for C.H.U.D. and I guarantee that not only will you IMMEDIATELY rush to Blockbuster and rent it, you will see my reasoning that a C.H.U.D. would make a better president than a community organizer.  TRUST.

Labels: , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 8:45 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, October 16, 2008

 

To all the Joe Sixpacks I've fucked before...

Last night when I was watching officer and a hot piece Senator John McCain debate old Pointy Pelvis Obama, I have to admit that I got a little tired of hearing about "Joe the Plumber" and his fate.  Yeah, yeah, I get it...Obama's a pinko who hangs out with ex-terrorist professors and is in bed with the Trotskyite community organizations my BFF LL Cool Jew used to work for.   In fact, I'm getting a little tired of hearing about all these "Joe" characters.   The McCain campaign needs to quit naming the average hardworking American "Joe" because it's getting old.


I know about the kind of (blue collar PWT) American McCain is referring to, because I grew up surrounded by Joe Sixpacks and Joe the Plumber, except none of them were named Joe.  There's my uncle Don the Boeing machinist, my dad Rick the schoolteacher and former Teamster/dairyman/truck driver, my uncle Beau the Frito Lay deliveryman, my uncle Merle the carpenter, my uncle Gene the mental hospital handyman, my cousin Josh the county sheriff, my uncle John the shipping clerk, my cousin Kyle the drug addict/petty criminal, and so forth.  Then, when I grew up and returned to my humble county of origin after college, I encountered plenty more Joe Six- Twelve- 24-Packs in the greater Tacoma-Puyallup non-metropolitan area.  Among others, I fucked Chris the roof shingler,  Carson the Alaska tour guide and metalworker, Don the piercing and tattoo apprentice, L.J. the meth dealer (my discovery of his particular small business venture marked the end of our affair), and Brent the day laborer.  None of these guys, who I presume are the people McCain and Palin are talking to and about, are named "Joe."  

Furthermore, the majority of these guys probably don't vote, and many of them probably don't pay taxes, much less care about tax breaks.  Mike the proud deadbeat dad/drywall hanger was way more interested in fucking me up the ass while we watched WWE Smack Down (I was REALLY drunk) than he probably ever would be about the middle class share of the tax burden.  Furthermore, since he actually bragged that he couldn't be bothered paying his child support, I doubt he was on top of getting anything out to the IRS.  When Nick the landscaper came over and got shitfaced with me on two $7 bottles of wine that he pronounced "classy" prior to banging me to the point of vomiting said wine into my hand as I ran to the bathroom (that was obviously the classiest part), I sincerely doubt that he was concerned about the merits of trickle-down versus trickle-up economics.  In fact, his main concern after I gargled the regurgitated cheap merlot out of my mouth and we resumed chafing rug burns into my ass was that my dog Caesar ate his entire bag of weed while we were screwing on my living room floor.  

These "Joe Sixpacks" aren't even watching the debate to hear the message Senator McCain is trying to say to them and on their behalf.  They probably don't even know there's a debate going on.  To give you an idea of their general awareness of the greater world, Jeff the airplane mechanic, a dude who was trying to court me in a clumsy and ineffective way, asked if I'd ever heard of Thai food.  Not if I'd ever tried Thai food or if I liked Thai food, but if I'd ever HEARD of it at all.  I told him that I heard rumors of a mysterious land in southeast Asia called Thailand, and that they have food there.  He completely missed my sarcasm and thought this represented an opportunity to introduce me to rare culinary treats like coconut curry and spring rolls.  I decided that he was too dumb and annoying to continue banging, and dumped him before he could make a big show about putting me face to face with an exotic delicacy like a plate of fucking pad thai, and he commenced stalking me all over Tacoma, which culminated in him molesting me at a bar and my slapping him and getting him thrown out.  Wherever Jeff the airplane mechanic is now, I have no doubt that his taste for mee krob comprises his sole interest in foreign policy, and he could give a shit less what ACORN does or what the Bush tax cuts are or what either candidate thinks about incorporating clean coal technology into their energy plans.  Like most of the Joe Sixpacks I know, he's probably more interested in the Seahawks injury report than overhauling the tax code.  I would wager that his sole expertise on the matter of taxes is that if you drive to the Puyallup reservation, you don't have to pay them on your cigarettes or chaw.

John McCain needs to quit talking to Joe Sixpack and Joe the Plumber and whoever else.  He needs to start talking to his other constituencies.  For example, I would like to hear him say something about how he's going to make sure Razzy the Impoverished Skankified Microbiology Graduate Student won't have any problem whatsoever getting an insanely high-paying job when she graduates, so that she can continue to look snobbishly down at all the Joe Sixpacks she bones whenever she's home in the P-N-Dub.  They obviously need a fourth debate where John McCain can address this small but critical part of the American voting public, because these Joes have been hogging all the attention.

Labels: , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 7:52 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Friday, September 05, 2008

 

Break out the energy policy reggaeton

A bunch of crybaby bleeding heart musicians have been serving the McCain-Palin headquarters with a lot of cease-and-desist orders regarding the campaign's song selections.  Van Halen pitched a fit about McCain using former Crystal Pepsi theme song "Right Now," and now the ladies of Heart don't want Sarah Palin using "Barracuda."   While Van Halen actually did my boy John Sidney McHotness a big favor by preventing him from torturing us with Sammy Hagar's cheesetastic shitshow of a song, it's really too bad the Wilson sisters aren't Republicans.  "Barracuda" is a totally kick-ass song.

Anyway, now my officer and a hot piece and the lipstick-wearing pitbull are without music to play at their propaganda rallies, and it looks like they won't be able to jam to anything with copyrights owned by Obamaniacs.  Somehow, McCain and Palin will have to inspire their constituents without the invigorating melodies of Bruce Springsteen, the Dixie Chicks, or Scarlett Johansson's Tom Waits covers.  They can kiss John Mellencamp's "Small Town" goodbye, as well as anything by Young Jeezy (although it's doubtful McCain would want to walk onstage to anecdotal tales about Jeezy DeNiro/Snowman Pacino customizing various luxury cars, evading law enforcement agents through judicious use of illegal machine guns, and the trials and tribulations of grinding at the trap anyway).  Christ, even Toby Fucking Keith is supporting Obama!   So much for lighting up the terrorists like the Fourth of July.  The McCain-Palin campaign is going to have to go for something out of the GOP jukebox. 

Unfortunately, that's pretty slim pickings.  I can't see the future executive branch of the American government getting to the White House by heralding their appearance with Jessica Simpson's cover of "These Boots are Made for Walkin'" or Heidi Montag's...whatever the hell Heidi sings when she's not creating drama with Lauren Conrad.  Therefore, from what I can tell, there's only one logical option: reggaeton singer and fervent McCain supporter Daddy Yankee.

If McCain's constituents can get past the frenetic dance beats that characterize the average Daddy Yankee song, the español-hablaing among McCain's campaign staff might actually notice that many of his themes are extremely relevant.  For example:

Though the Mad Max-meets-El Rápido y El Furioso video might mislead you to think this song is about some sort of guerilla army of video hoochies taking on a paramilitary force during some kind of tricked-out motorcycle race, "Gasolina" is really about the McCain-Palin energy policy! "Dame más gasolina!" definitely has a place as a catchphrase in this campaign. So what if (according to some message board on the always reliable internets, anyway) "gasolina" is actually Puerto Rican slang for semen? I guarantee that neither McCain or Palin know that. Get some Daddy Yankee to precede those hot-ass speeches they're giving!  

Labels: , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 6:18 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, July 24, 2008

 

CRIBS: Senator John McCain (R-AZ)

While Barack Obama is busy feigning a profound sense of faith at the Wailing Wall, I'm glad to see that the officer and a hot piece Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is keeping things fun on his website.  I went there because I read some article about how Obama gear is outselling McCain gear (Obama's designers are clearly more savvy, since he even sells sleepwear called "Ojamas") like crazy, and I wanted to do my part to even the score by picking up a slutty McCain tank top, a McCain beer cooler, or a camouflage "Sportsmen for McCain" hunting cap. 

However, I was sidetracked from my shopping by an exhortation to take an "exclusive" tour of the Straight Talk Express.  The STE is probably my favorite campaign gimmick of all time, and while I frequently tell people I'm firmly entrenched in my berth aboard the Straight Talk Express, I've always been curious to know what it looks like in reality.  I always pictured it as a cross between Animal House and the White House "Situation Room," complete with a lot of fancy satellite feeds, a pool table, terrorist-tracking maps, a fridge stocked with Anheuser-Busch products courtesy of Cindy McCain, an inflatable donkey for stress relief when the democrats are especially irksome, some random military guys, and a dartboard with Barack Obama's face on it. 

Well, it turns out the STE isn't quite that much fun, but I nonetheless appreciated the tour:

While the fridge has coffee fixings and Diet Coke rather than a full assortment of brew dogs and there were more random BlackBerries and microphones around than frathouse decor or blow-up asses, I still have to give the McCain campaign props for this tour.  I don't know why I'm surprised that McCain knows about "Cribs" since he supposedly doesn't miss an episode of "The Hills" and is thus a devout MTV viewer.  I love that he doesn't know how to use the internets, but he watches MTV!  He's apparently so down with it that he even knows about the traditional epilogue where the subject of the "Cribs" at hand boots the cameras out of their domicile, as the "Director of Advances" (whatever that means) hosting the tour ushers the viewer off the Straight Talk Express with "No, seriously, go before I call the Secret Service."  Fucking awesome.

Labels: , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 7:43 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

 

Daily Douchebag: the New York Times


Name: the New York Times

DOB: September 18, 1851

Occupation: deciding which news is fit to print

Hometown: One Times Square, New York, New York

Current residence: 620 8th Ave, New York, New York

Douchebaggery:  If you watch cable news at all, you probably saw that yesterday Matt Drudge stirred up all the pundits by publishing a story about how the Times rejected an op-ed essay by the officer and a hot piece Senator John McCain that responded to a piece by Senator Barack Obama entitled "My Plan for Iraq."  David Shipley, editor of the Times Op-Ed page, apparently rejected it on grounds that he would rather have a piece that "mirrors" what Obama had to say.

While having edited an op-ed page myself (for the august Smith College Sophian), I understand that sometimes there is a process involving the author of an editorial piece in which the piece is changed a bit from its original form, I can't imagine how the Times expects McCain to write something "mirroring" Obama's plan.  A fundamental difference between the two candidates–and the reason I am voting for John McCain–is their position on the Iraq War, and their plan on how to end it.  McCain favors what I think is a more rational approach, a withdrawal based on conditions in Iraq as determined by our military leaders and the Iraqi government, versus the timetable Obama has revealed as his grand plan.  While McCain states quite explicitly in his article that he expects troops to be out of Iraq by the end of his first term as president (rather than the "hundred years" Obamaphiles have been crowing about every time I tell ANYONE that I'm voting for John McCain), he plans to do this only after achieving a stabilized Iraq.

I don't like the Iraq War, and I did not support President Bush's decision to start it–thus sacrificing the lives of thousands of our brave troops and many more Iraqis–based on flawed intelligence and a poorly disguised desire for oil.  However, we are up to our freedom-loving tits in it, and I think that as much as we'd all like to be like Obama and say, "much later, Iraq," we ought to finish what we started and stick it out until we establish some kind of lasting stability there. Or in the words of Senator McCain, "any draw-downs must be based on a realistic assessment of conditions on the ground, not on an artificial timetable created for domestic political reasons...I find it ironic that he (Obama) is emulating the worst mistake of the Bush Administration by waving the 'Mission Accomplished' banner prematurely."

Shipley stated that he would reconsider an editorial by McCain so long as it "would articulate, in concrete terms, how Senator McCain defines victory in Iraq."  Considering McCain's piece already defined several goals concerning the Iraq military, reductions in sectarian violence, and his specific counterinsurgency strategy, as well as outlined what he considered benchmarks of failure in Iraq, Shipley's demand sounds a lot less like constructive editorial criticism and a lot more like they are more interested in presenting Obama's view than McCain's.  This is hardly a surprise considering that the Times has been on Obama's jock since he leapt on the national stage at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, but it is disappointing.  Whatever bias the Times may have, it's absurd and irresponsible for them to refuse to publish one major party candidate's views on a central issue of the upcoming presidential election until he comes up with a policy that "mirrors" their preference.  I consider both Obama's and McCain's plans regarding the Iraq War to be "fit to print," and it shows a reprehensible disregard for fairness or equity to suggest that one's are more fit than the other's.

Granted, I always knew the Times was populated primarily by a bunch of insufferably arrogant snobs who generally think they know best, but I at least thought they had some fucking integrity.  As it turns out, they aren't any better than FOX News when it comes to designing coverage that suits their particular bias.  I've never been more glad to say that I prefer to read the trashy-ass Post.

Labels: , , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 5:52 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

 

Daily Douchebag: John McCain's teleprompter

Photobucket
Name: John McCain's teleprompter

DOB: sometime in the last year or two

Occupation: fucking up straight talk

Hometown: probably China

Current residence: Kenner, Louisiana

Douchebaggery: So if you don't live under a rock or on The Island from "Lost," you know that last night, Barack Obama secured all the delegates needed for the Democratic nomination. I got home right in time to see him give yet another hope-change-blah blah blah speech to an arena full of Obamaniacs going crazy in Minnesota. He specifically did this in Minnesota, rather than in Montana where he won his final primary, because that's where the Republican convention is going to be and he wanted to stick it to McCain. That became apparent when his rousing oratory included a bunch of backhanded compliments dissing my man McCain, such as "I respect all of Senator McCain's accomplishments, even if he chooses to deny mine."

I expected McCain to return the favor and start talking trash about Obama. At first I thought this was going well, because I saw an excerpt of his speech in which he stressed his history of bipartisanship and his decades of tireless service to America. He seemed humble. I was like, "Any minute now, he's going to say something awesome about how he's going to own Obama come November."  LL Cool Jew then texted me, "I'm sorry, mccains speech was pathetic." Uh oh, I thought.

So I watched more of the speech and realized that it certainly wasn't McCain's greatest moment in public speaking. He kept fucking up because he was having trouble with the teleprompter, which made him appear somewhat feeble and confused. Even Mort Kondracke from FOX News said he looked "old," and to have a crusty old geezer like Kondracke say that means he REALLY looked old. Like pop in a rerun of Lawrence Welk and break out the Werther's Originals old.

If you read the text of his speech, it's actually not bad at all. He immediately starts assuring the public that he is not running for George W. Bush's third term (if I believed he were, by the way, I would NOT vote for him, as while I love bush when it means "pussy," I HATE Bush when it means "inept, corrupt president"), and explains how severely he disagrees with the Bush administration's management of the war. This is one of the primary reasons I am voting for McCain. I hate the Iraq War (and I don't think ANYONE likes it or thinks it was a good idea), but now that we are there, our brave troops and the people of Iraq deserve to have it handled by someone who will look out for their best interests and the interests of the American people, rather than covering their asses politically and sinking deeper into the quagmire as Bush has done. He also points out that things would get even more fucked up if we just say, "Oops, sorry, our bad!" and blindly withdraw as Obama would like us to do.

However, thanks to the teleprompter dicking around McCain's game, he didn't get this out in a way that was stirring or galvanizing. Next to Obama's typical motivational speaker style, he looked like a shambling old man. I blame the teleprompter, because there's no way McCain would look that way if it weren't for technical difficulties. If McCain can handle five years at the Hanoi Hilton, he can handle a little speech about his own awesomeness. He can also certainly READ, so I doubt that his ability to "use" the teleprompter was an issue. It had to be some kind of teleprompter malfunction. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Therefore, I say a big "FUCK YOU" to the teleprompter and expect that those issues will be resolved now that McCain is gearing up to totally own Obama in the general election campaign. JOHN! MC! CAIN! JOHN! MC! CAIN!

Labels: , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 5:34 AM 6 Comments Links to this post

Monday, May 12, 2008

 

This is why McCain is hot

Okay, so maybe this video an anonymous Razzyphile sent is "fake" news, but I wish it weren't.  For one thing, the "War for the White House" graphics are way hotter than anything MSNBC can produce, and for another, I can easily see John McCain both cutting government spending by firing the Secret Service and saying "You think I can't defend myself from some whack-job?  I've been to Hell and back...If someone tries anything, the Secret Service better be protecting him, not me" and "if someone even looks at me cross-eyed, I'll rip his guts out through his throat and nail his ears to my trophy wall." 

McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists

And I would LOVE to see McCain and Obama dropped naked into a forest with only a hunting knife in some kind of Surviving the Game-type scenario. Fuck this "democratic process" nonsense; I think it would really mix things up if we decided our presidents from now on by mortal combat. Besides, the day McCain gets outtracked in the jungle is the day he saws off his own balls.

JOHN! MC! CAIN! JOHN! MC! CAIN!

Labels: , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 9:05 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Senator John McCain's penis (YES, I'M GOING THERE)


Name: the penis attached to Senator John Sidney McCain III (I wonder if has a name for it, like "Mammoth" or "Wendell" or "Sal" or "Lucky")

DOB: August 29, 1936

Occupation: staying erect without Viagra (I presume)

Hometown: Coco Solo Naval Air Base, Panama Canal Zone

Current residence: the campaign trail

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness:  Last night while I was watching "Deadliest Catch" and salivating over Sig Hansen, while LL Cool Jew was obviously glued to MSNBC and the Indiana/North Carolina primary returns.  Probably forgetting that my priorities Tuesday nights lie on the vast and tempestuous Bering Sea and not with Tim Russert, she engaged me in a text message discussion about politics.
LL Cool Jew: thats a pretty slim margin of victor in ind. at best. she'll win but the lead keeps closing. she cdnt capitalize on the worst period of his campaign
Razzy: No dude. John mc cain!
LL Cool Jew: dude he wdnt survive his first term
Razzy: He's a tough old sob. He will survive both terms
LL Cool Jew: u can change his catheter
Razzy: It would b an honor. But im sure his junk s still in prime condition n every way
LL Cool Jew: its probably totz covered in melanomas
Razzy: No way. It looks like a mighty elephant tusk: hard and ivory.
LL Cool Jew: hil.la.ry bitches.  sighhh but its totz depressing right now
Poor LL Cool Jew, weeping into her herbal tea along with JerseyGirl and Motherbucker and most of my other Smith College friends about the inevitable lingering death of Hillary Clinton's presidential bid.  However, my sympathies for my sad Hillary-loving friends do not extend to tolerate aspersions they may cast against Senator John McCain or his penis, which I am sure has weathered the years extraordinarily well.  Though it may be old, I'm sure his penis looks preternaturally youthful and strong.  John McCain just strikes me as a man who packs an impressive piece of dick.  I know I'm sick, but I don't care!  I won't sit idly by while the character of his penis is besmirched by bitter Hillary Clinton supporters.  John! Mc! Cain!  John! Mc! Cain!

Labels: , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 10:07 AM 0 Comments Links to this post
 

Daily Douchebag: Sister Julie McGuire


RAZZY Note: I didn't have a picture of Sister Julie, so I just put up some pictures of nuns doing funny stuff.  And yeah, that nun in the last picture looks pretty devout...except for the fact that she's actually Belladonna, recipient of the FAME 2007 "Dirtiest Girl in Porn" award, whose career achievements include extreme proficiency at double anal, shoving baseball bats up her ass, and being one of the only women in the porn industry to deep throat all 11 inches of Lexington Steele's penis.  Just to show you how non-sisterly Belladonna is, here's a fun clip of her getting double fisted by Jenna Haze.

Name: Sister Julie McGuire, CSC

DOB: probably sometime during the Great Depression

Occupation: poll guardian, Roman Catholic nun

Hometown: ??

Current residence: St. Mary's Convent, South Bend, Indiana

Douchebaggery: Yesterday I received an urgent Gchat message from Motherbucker, who does some trash for the Hillary campaign and thus is on top of all things election-related:
Motherbucker: dude
Razzy: sup?
Motherbucker: they're suppressing the mccain vote in indiana
Motherbucker: http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gRN59j2QQCVZYwfdLSokUeN1K9hQD90GBCNO0
Motherbucker: you need to stand up for your sisters
I quickly read the article and realized that this so-called "bride of Christ" Sister Julie McGuire, who was running a voting spot, wasn't letting her fellow sisters vote for the hotness known as Senator John McCain (R-AZ) in the Indiana primary because they didn't have valid identification. The ladies did not have the required government-issued ID because they were too old to schlep over to the DMV. Indiana has notoriously strict identification requirements for voters, and thus Sister Julie McGuire denied her convent roomies their right to holler at a straight talking player. I was obviously enraged.
Razzy: DUDE
Razzy: BULLSHIT
Motherbucker: DO SOMETHING!
Razzy: DAILY DOUCHEBAG: SISTER JULIE MCGUIRE!
Motherbucker: lol
Motherbucker: YAY!
Razzy: truly
Razzy: this is bullshit
Razzy: so what if mccain has the nomination locked down
Razzy: count every vote!
Razzy: dude i have all sorts of pictures of nuns with guns and taking bong hits that will be fun
Motherbucker: lol
Motherbucker: that's awesome
Motherbucker: i just think it's hilarious
Motherbucker: that these bitches were like
Motherbucker: "NO. i'm not getting an id. i'm 107."
Motherbucker: go fuck yourself
Razzy: seriously
Razzy: GFY, i'm a bride of christ
I applaud these nuns for saying "fuck you" to what is essentially a poll tax. It's bad enough these poor ladies have sworn off sex and worldly possessions and offered themselves in marriage to Christ. While I'm down with my Lord and Savior JC, I get the feeling that being one of his many celibate wives isn't the most rewarding matrimonial union. You're poor, you never get laid, your deadbeat husband never does anything to help around the house (well, except for that whole dying-for-our-sins thing), you have to wear stupid clothes, and you spend all your time working as a school librarian, choral leader, organist, and/or office assistant. John McCain really needs to speak up for his constituents in Indiana, because these ladies deserve to hobble their osteoporitic old bones into their polling station and actually vote for him. Besides, he needs to keep his divinely-connected supporters happy. Just ask Barack Obama what happens when religious crazies don't get their way. Count the old sisters' votes!

Labels: , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 7:02 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: John McCain AGAIN AND AS USUAL!


Name: John Sidney McCain III

DOB: August 29, 1936

Occupation: saying "who gives a fuck about Pennsylvania?"

Hometown: Coco Solo Naval Air Base, Panama Canal Zone

Current residence: sitting pretty aboard the Straight Talk Express in Inez, Kentucky watching the Democrats destroy themselves

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness:  The last couple days the news has been abuzz with people prognosticating as to whether Hillary or Obama will win Pennsylvania.  The internets tell me that Hillary won and that Obama talked trash in his concession speech, but I didn't see this because I was busy watching Captain Sig "The Hotness" Hansen shouting at his crew about maintaining accurate crab counts and Captain Phil falling asleep at the wheel of the F/V Cornelia Marie on "Deadliest Catch."  That means Hillary lives on to further fracture the Democrats while John McCain is still tooling around in the Straight Talk Express winning over voters.

Yesterday, McCain visited Youngstown, Ohio, where he chatted about his support of NAFTA and free trade.   This crowd isn't exactly what you would consider big fans of NAFTA.  In the past, Democrats have visited here and suggested that they will be getting new jobs.  That's why the people of Youngstown voted decisively for Hillary in that state's primary.  Unlike Hillary, however, McCain rocked out some of his patented "straight talk" and basically told everyone that the economy sucks, and the steel mills are not going to reopen.  Instead, McCain is going to hook everyone up with tax credits, foreclosure relief, and training in new skills.  Sounds sensible to me.  Then again, I'd expect nothing but sensibility from a man who took a break from talking straight to making jokes about being addicted to "The Hills."

This is why I love McCain.  Unlike Hillary and Obama, who are so busy trying to tear each other down that they can barely articulate any substantive positions besides the fact that Hillary really, REALLY wants to be president and Obama is pro-hope, change, and the occasionally bitter campaign speech, McCain is out in the most economically depressed parts of America laying out his game plan.  For everyone who has ever bitched about McCain's age, I would venture that he's doing a lot more to clearly explain his policies than either of the younger Democrats.  Come November, McCain is taking whichever one of them down in a landslide.  Trust.

Labels: , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 6:14 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Friday, April 04, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: PRESIDENT John McCain YET AGAIN


Name: Oh, please, you all already know!  John Sidney McCain III

DOB: blah blah blah

Occupation: comedian

Hometown: Coco Solo Naval Air Base, Panama Canal Zone (I never get tired of writing that)

Current residence: the YouTubes

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness:  Simply put, this:

The video is like 12 minutes long, but you only need to watch the first ninety seconds (feel free to stream through the Joe Scarborough-acting-like-a-douchebag introduction). Specifically, you only need to watch the part where my boy Mac laughs about his take on the new season of "The Hills" ("that was pretty good, wadn't it?") and states that Heidi Montag is "a very talented actress." Stick around for bonus footage when he asks the guffawing formerly-of-the-eponymous-made-up-country Mr. Scarborough, "could I just mention Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood, and Jon Voight...I've got them!" Wait...Jon Voight?!?!?!?! As in COACH BUD KILMER FROM VARSITY BLUES?!?!?!

If there was ever a solitary doubt that John McCain is my pick for commander-in-chief, this video just put that all to rest. He just ragged on Heidi, clapped in approval at his own joke, and then reminded everyone that the man who told James Van Der Beek "you're gonna be second string all your life, boy!" is sitting pretty aboard the Straight Talk Express.  John McCain is absolutely the hotness.  As Razzyphile L&L commented the other day regarding her intentions for congratulating him upon his ascent to the Oval Office, she'd "slither under that desk and give him the best Shania Twain he's ever had."  I guess "Shania Twain" is Canadian for "head."  I second that emotion!

Labels: , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 5:29 AM 1 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, April 03, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Senator John McCain YET AGAIN


Name: Senator John Sidney McCain III

DOB: August 29, 1936

Occupation: Republican nominee for president, comedian

Hometown: Coco Solo Naval Air Base, Panama Canal Zone

Current residence: in front of his TV on Mondays at 10

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness:  It's official: John McCain (R-AZ) is now the world-record holder for all-time recognition "Daily Dude I Want to Hit" status, having held this esteemed title four times.  He is also the only Hittable Dude to win this illustrious honor two days in a row, and the only one to have his nonagenarian mother hold this title as well.  Yesterday, he took this home for being a hot fucking piece of heroic ass.  Today, he's getting it for being straight-up hilarious.

Apparently yesterday, Heidi Montag, the equine-faced, fake-titted ex-BFF of Lauren Conrad from "The Hills" declared that McCain has her vote.  Thank God, because I was only 99.9999999999% sure I was going to vote McCain, but now that Heidi's weighed in regarding her political allegiances, I can do my civic duty and vote for my candidate of choice entirely certain that he's the right choice for America.

When questioned about Heidi's endorsement, McCain quipped, "I'm honored to have Heidi's support, and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of 'The Hills,' especially since the new season started."  

Now, that is some straight talk from Senator McCain.  I'm glad to know that my friends and I aren't the only ones who gather round the idiot box every Monday night to feel smarter by watching a bunch of stupid 20-year-old skanks fuck up their years-long internships.  Indeed, true American heroes like my boy Mac are riveted by Audrina's ability to recite her scripted lines with all the chutzpah of a lobotomy patient, or Whitney's mastery of asking Lauren Conrad, "So...what's, like, going on?"  I would just like to know if Senator McCain is on Team LC or Team Heidi and Spencer, and whether he is as excited for the return of Justin Bobby as I am.

Thank you, Senator, for giving my trash television some credibility.  The next time someone tells me that watching "The Hills" is a waste of my time on the grounds that this show is "fake," the girls on it are "really stupid," and it generally "sucks," I'm going to be like, "Oh, yeah?  Well, soon-to-be PRESIDENT JOHN FUCKING MCCAIN doesn't think so."  Take that, "Hills" haters!

Labels: , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 7:40 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: young John McCain


Name: Captain John Sidney McCain (U.S. Navy)

DOB: August 29, 1936

Occupation: Naval aviator, prisoner of war, American hero

Hometown: Coco Solo Naval Air Base, Panama Canal Zone

Current residence: the Straight Talk Express

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: A lot of people have expressed their shock and disbelief every time I say that I am voting for Senator John McCain (R-AZ). Someone astutely pointed out that I may be doing so only because (R-AZ) spells "Raz," probably because my friends are all in various stages of denial about the fact that I'm a Republican (sort of).  While that gives me one MORE reason to vote for him, that isn't actually why he has my vote. I could explain all the political reasons I have for hopping aboard the Straight Talk Express, but I already have, and there's enough political pundits firing off about that in the blogosphere.  I'd rather explain yet another completely arbitrary reason I have for joining Team McCain: the dude looked fucking hot in a flight suit.

Every time I see a picture of John McCain in a classic stock photo of him back in his Navy days, I get more than a little bit turned on.  In fact, I don't know how the Viet Cong who held him captive for five years could keep their hands off him, as I'm sure he looked foxy as all hell even while playing forced Russian roulette or hanging by his thumbs, which according to The Deerhunter and Braddock: Missing in Action III are the preferred North Vietnamese torture methods.  In fact, I bet when McCain was flying missions before he was taken prisoner, he didn't even need napalm because his hotness could ignite the jungle just by getting too close to it.  

In his old age, McCain is still a hot piece, but if I could get my hands on a Delorean, some random terrorist plutonium, and a flux capacitor, trust that I'd be going 88 miles per hour back to 1973 to meet his heroic ass upon release from the Hanoi Hilton.  It would be my honor and patriotic duty to welcome him back to the land of freedom and democracy with some good, old-fashioned American pie.  JOHN! MC! CAIN!  JOHN! MC! CAIN!

Labels: , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 5:57 AM 18 Comments Links to this post

Monday, March 24, 2008

 

Hoes make it rain on McCain

A bunch of fat chicks were out shopping for new muumuus at Lane Bryant and got to talking about how they could help out their favorite candidate, John McCain.  Unfortunately, they came up with the worst idea ever: make a YouTube video that would "outdo" the one Obama Girl made.  There's just one problem: Obama Girl was hot in an Eliot Spitzer-servicing prostitute kind of way, and these BBWs look like a pod of whales (one of which is a Depends-wearing grandma) in hideous stretch pants.

Actually, there are two problems.  The second is that they relied on "It's Raining Men," aka # 4 on this list of the gayest songs ever, for inspiration.  "It's Raining McCain" does little in the way of conjuring up images which aren't nauseating.  I'm already voting for McCain, but if I were undecided, trust that a woman with three chins refreshingly splashing her face with John McCains wouldn't sway me into his camp. I couldn't even enjoy the sexy footage of young Vietnam-era McCain because of these trolls shimmying their cellulite in front of his American hero hotness. "I'm gonna go out and get myself absolutely JOHN MCCAIN!"?!?! PLEASE no more follow-up videos.

Labels: , , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 6:12 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: John McCain (R-AZ)...AGAIN



Name: John Sidney McCain III

DOB: August 29, 1936

Occupation: U.S. senator, Republican presidential nominee

Hometown: Coco-Solo Naval Air Base

Current residence: the national stage

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Last night, John McCain clinched the Republican nomination and sent Huckabee back to Bible camp.  YES!  Not everyone was as excited about this as myself.  I spoke to my father on the phone for awhile, and when he was asking me if I was for Hillary or Obama, I said, "Dad, I've told you before: I'm voting for John McCain."

"I thought you were kidding," he said.

"No!  I love McCain, Dad!  I'm voting for McCain.  Now that he's won the nomination, I am voting McCain for sure.  Really!"

After a moment of silence, he said, "Your mother and I didn't raise you to be a Republican."  My dad says "Republican" the same way one might say "Nazi."

"I'm not!  I'm an independent!  It's just that in this election I'm voting for McCain.  I'm a libertarian."  Being a Republican in our household is tantamount to being gay in the Rev. Fred Phelps's house, and I guess I'm just not quite ready to come out.

"Then vote for the Libertarian party!"

"I can't, Dad.  I'm not for disbanding public schools.  The Libertarian party is all into that.  I'm a moderate libertarian."  My father is a public school teacher.  Besides the Iraq War, mentioning No Child Left Behind is the quickest way to work him into paroxysms of Bush hatred, so at least we could find common ground on not voting for a candidate that would put him out of a job.

"You voted for the Libertarian in the last election, Razzy," my father reminded me.

"Yes, but that's only because I couldn't stand to vote for either Kerry or Bush."  It's true that my hatred of both major party candidates in the last election caused me to vote for Michael Badnarik, skydiving badass.

"Well, no daughter of mine should be voting McCain," he said.  Luckily at that point, my father got tired of bitching at me about McCain and started complaining instead about how he couldn't become a "real" Catholic because he's too lazy to take the RCIA classes necessary to officially convert from Lutheranism, and how he has to get his gallbladder taken out.  I was relieved.

While I have no doubt that as the election draws nearer, my father and many other of my friends and loved ones are going to come down hard on me for liking John McCain, but much like McCain himself, I don't give a fuck.  My father can insinuate that I'm a disgrace to the family, Benzo can write blog posts to his heart's content about how McCain is George W. Bush 2.0, and virtually every single one of my friends can lament my going over to the Dark Side of the Force.  I love John McCain, and now it's official that I am going to get to vote for his straight-talking hotness.  And as long as Hillary and Obama continue to tear each other to pieces, by the time one of them gets the Democratic nomination, the Democrats' inability to agree, unite, and rally will per usual ensure that McCain wins the general election just like he's taken the primary circuit by storm.  JOHN!  MC!  CAIN!  JOHN! MC! CAIN! 

Labels: , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 7:43 AM 6 Comments Links to this post

Friday, February 29, 2008

 

From one woman to another, STFU Hillary!

A while back, I douchebagged all the whiny women's organizations that were bitching because Hillary Clinton is getting owned by Barack Obama on account of her female gender. I have no problems with people making legitimate complaints about sex discrimination, but in Hillary's case, it sounds to me like a big bunch of sour grapes. Oh, boo hoo, Hillary is an unlikable, two-faced, lying bitch with bad taste in power pantsuits...she's being DISCRIMINATED against, because there's no way that Barack Obama's comparatively good looks and charming rhetoric about change and vision could possibly seduce the American constituency more than her record of corruption and dishonesty! If I weren't voting for septugenarian stud Senator John McCain, I'd vote for Obama based on looks alone.

Obama may not know what the fuck he's doing, but he's a lot more hittable than Hillary and you haven't heard him doing much whining...and if anyone has cause to complain about discrimination or unfair press, it's him. I haven't seen any major media outlets constantly subtly implying that Hillary is a terrorist.

Now, it seems that Hillary is adding her own voice to the shrewish cacophony of busted, pleated pant-wearing old feminists complaining about being politically undermined by her lack of a Y chromosome...sort of. In an interview with ABC's "Nightline," Hillary said:
"I think women just sort of shake their head," Clinton continued. "My friends do. They say, 'Oh, my gosh, this is so hard.' Well, it's supposed to be hard. I'm running for the hardest job in the world. No one has ever done this. No woman has ever won a presidential primary before I won New Hampshire. This is hard. And I don't expect any sympathy, I don't expect any kind of, you know, allowances or special privileges, because I knew what I was getting myself into.

"Every so often I just wish that it were a little more of an even playing field," she said, "but, you know, I play on whatever field is out there."
I can think of at least one woman who is shaking her head for an entirely different reason: ME. I am not feeling sympathetic "oh, Hillary has it so hard" thoughts. This statement is straight out of the Seven Sisters College Handbook for Backhanded Self-Validation. Nothing annoys me more than some broad rattling off a list of her perceived feminist triumphs to qualify what breaks down to "oh, poor me" self-pity. Note her skill at acknowledging that she doesn't expect "allowances or special privileges" to mitigate the self-indulgent qualities of her complaints that she's losing. If you get distracted by caring about Hillary's feelings, you might almost be tricked into thinking that in spite of being a young, relatively inexperienced black man with a jihadist-sounding name that the media eagerly misappropriates for purposes of racist fearmongering, Obama's campaign has been a cakewalk compared to the trials that Hillary has suffered. Excuse me, bitch, but you started your campaign raising more money than any of the other candidates in your party and having your husband AKA the most beloved Democrat since John F. Kennedy stumping for you, and you still fucking blew it. SHUT UP about the playing field being even. Last time I checked, there was a difference between fucking up and getting unfairly screwed over. Just because this scheme didn't go as well as your nefarious cornering of the cattle futures market back in your Whitewater days doesn't mean that the deck was stacked against you.

I am getting really tired of this sexism crap. Hillary is a victim of her own backfiring political strategies, not some nebulous patriarchal conspiracy designed to keep a woman out of power. Of course I hate it when women get legitimately shafted. On occasions where I've been treated unfairly because of my gender, I get outraged, and it happens more than you might think. People take a look at me, see a petite blonde with her tits hanging out of her shirt, and talk to me like I'm a moron. Even worse, this is usually done by other women. One time the Chief Business Officer of the company I used to work for called me into her office and basically called me a slut for wearing shirts that were "too fitted" for her tastes (this was one of those hookers who still rocked a perm and blazers with shoulder pads in 2002; she was later fired for trying to embezzle $50 grand in unaccounted travel reimbursements). I pointed out that some of my male colleagues wore Grateful Dead shirts that hadn't been washed since before Jerry Garcia died to work that were far less professional than my tailored V-necks. She explained that "this isn't about men, it's about you," and further insulted me by framing this as some kind of constructive career advice. Since she thought I had "potential to achieve," I'd better cover up so as not to threaten other women by enticing the boys with any hint that I might have a hot rack. I told her that my breasts should have nothing to do with my ability to expand T cells ex vivo. I then bitched about this to my (male) boss over beers, he agreed this was discriminatory since our company didn't have a dress code, told the CEO, and the CEO apparently reamed her out about "sexually harassing" valued employees for no reason other than being a jealous hater. I should add that this same corrupt, Razzy-hating CBO was incorrigibly flirtatious with many of the men around the office and installed her twenty-five-year-old boytoy as a "consultant" (translation: doing Google searches for her while billing the company $300 an hour) while she was busy railing against my pro ho outfits and complaining about some of the mothers in our office taking too much maternity leave. This evil CBO perpetrated greater insults against professional women than anything that I've seen happen to Hillary in this campaign, and I'm not complaining that I got screwed because of it. In fact, I'm still showing my tits and having a good time doing it.

Fuck complaining...I am getting a doctorate from an Ivy League grad school and that bitch is unemployed! I win again and as usual!

Incidents like that anecdotal tale of myself and the sexist woman-hating-woman executive certainly suck, but they are nothing any self-respecting professional bitch should spend her time grousing about. The reason those things happen is that people think innately that different standards about character, sexuality, and personality apply to women. However, the only way to change that innate thinking is not for prominent women to grovel and cry and validate ideas that women are weak, emotional, pitiful creatures, but to rise above it and take responsibility for failures as well as successes. Hillary pandering shamelessly for sympathy towards her mostly non-existent plight is disingenuous and anti-feminist, in that it reinforces ideas that women can't own up to their own incompetency. As my old Smith professor Saratoga120 says, "Feminism will have achieved its goals when there are as many mediocre women in positions of power as there are men." Feminism clearly has a way to go.

I need to hurry up and turn 35 so I can show this dumb twat how to really run a presidential campaign. RAZZY 2016!!!!!! In the meantime, go McCain!

Labels: , , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 9:05 AM 6 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

 

Political Cynicism

Yesterday during Razzy's eloquent "douchebagging" of Chris Mathews she mentioned that she thinks Brack Obama's tongue would be better used for fellatio then spewing forth campaign promises that he would inevitably not be able to keep. Political cynicism is nothing new to Americans. Name the last President not caught in a major boldface lie or scandal. Bush-Iraq, Clinton- Lewinsky, Bush Sr. - "no new taxes", Reagan- Iran-Contra, ok Carter. Carter (and for that matter, Gerald Ford) were both guys without major scandals or lies. However, both were completely ineffective presidents. Saddled with a weak economy and the blowback of decades of United States involvement in Iran, Carter was crushed by a number of bad decisions. He was not a liar, but he was a weak president. Ford is still the only completely unelected president in U.S. history. He was never even the vice-president on the ballot. He was appointed vice-president by Nixon after Spiro Agnew was forced to resign amid a number of scandals. Ford then ascended to the Presidency after Nixon resigned amid Watergate. Ford had a largely unspectacular presidency that lasted under 3 years. Nixon had Watergate, Johnson and Kennedy had Vietnam and the Cubans. I could go on.

The point is that in this election there are two people that have different ideological viewpoints but represent the cynicism that so many Americans associate with politics. Both McCain and Clinton are basically saying, "I know things are bad, I know Washington is sleazy, but I can make it work...for you." While I tend to agree ideologically with Clinton more then McCain, this is not very inspiring. This is what Obama is combatting. He is basically saying that he can change the way the game is played. This is unquestionably an extremely lofty goal. But it is not impossible. He is not the first person to inspire a movement and sometimes these movements produce results. Martin Luther King Jr. is the first to come to mind in recent American history. If you believe at all in the law of averages this nation is due for a transcendent figure. FDR, MLK, Teddy Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln all produced bold changes that shaped the history of the country. So if people look beyond the history that has happened before their eyes they may find some legitimate reasons to believe in Obama. Politics are not the only arena where people succeed when they are supposed to fail. Someone cured polio, someone invented airplanes, someone hit 61 home runs without steroids, and someone will at some point bring forth some real visceral change to our political system...will it be Obama, and will people give him the chance?

Labels: , , ,


# posted by shapper @ 4:46 PM 3 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

 

Wow!

Any of the regular Razzy readers out there know that she is an exceptionally bright woman. One of the smartest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. So this post might not go over so well....Still reading about why Razzy is a Republican has to be one of the most laughable pieces of writing ever posted on this blog. Now I won't waste time and bore everyone about how just about every CATO Institute, Rand Institute, libertarian economic theory has proven to be completely self-indulgent, intellectual nonsense over the years. There are so many other fish to fry if you will.

" The government should maintain basic infrastructure and the military"
Wow! McCain and the Republicans have done such an amazing job at that. Forget that Obama's economic plan is centered on infrastructure rebuilding. The military has never been weaker. It is underfunded, lacks armor, fatigued, stretched thin, and we have tons of mentally and physically disabled vets that have piss-poor health care coming back from Iraq. McCain of course thinks we can enforce democracy in Iraq with the barrel of a gun so that problem won't be solved......ever. Maybe Razzy is talking about maintaining strong military contractors. That has been a consistent strength of McCain and his Republican buddies. Haliburton, Boeing, McDonnell-Douglas, and Blackwater all have had some pretty profitable years. Also by the way. The neo-cons like McCain a lot. He is one of them. His entire foreign policy is based on neo-conservative theory. Just like his buddies Guiliani and Lieberman.

McCain has gotten a nice rep as "good guy". The McCain-Feingold legislation he drafted that spearheaded campaign finance reform was a great bill. However when it came time to start an investigation into corruption in Iraq or in New Orleans he was pretty quiet. McCain talks about his disdain for Rumsfeld. But he never acted on it unless you count talking smack AFTER Rumsfeld quit. Where was McCain as Alberto Gonzales was making a mockery of the justice department? McCain was pretty quiet. If you are really concerned about corruption in Washington you might want to look at the other name on that Campaign-Finance reform bill. Russ Feingold.

Also Razzy, why not vote on social issues? McCain is certainly not Huckabee or Pat Robertson. But he voted for all of Bush's extreme right-wing judicial nominees. If Grandpa Munster actually wins this election he has stated repeatedly that he will appoint "strict conservative judges" . This does not bode well for issues like wire-tapping, gay marriage, abortion, gay adoption, stem-cell research, employee rights, union rights, free-speech. Saying I don't vote "social issues" is a total cop-out. Wether you vote them or not your vote impacts them.

I guess the guys at SCORES have not been keeping track of Mayor Mike's statements regarding the current election. There is NO CHANCE he would latch on to McCain's ticket. They disagree on everything except the war in Iraq. In fact Bloomberg and Warren Buffet, and Bill Gates have all praised Obama's economic plan. These guys don't look like socialists, but maybe McCain can have them all swiftboated during the election so they look like commies. These guys all know it is Bush's economic plan combined with a stupid and expensive war that has put this country into an economic tailspin. If you are worried about spending money we don't have you might want to remove your head from your ass and look at which administrations created the biggest deficits in US history. Reagan who McCain can't stop worshipping and his buddy George W. Bush. Since the last two major recessions have been at the tail end of eight year conservative republican presidencies isn't it time we stopped giving these guys credit for being fiscally responsible?!

There was a point in your post where you complained about Obama being "over-regulating." Yes and look at what the lack of regulations has brought forth to business and the nation over that past eight years. Enron, Worldcom, lots of food recalls, lots of toy recalls, even pet-food recalls! Did I forget mine-collapses, bridge collapses, and the entire home loan industry gagging on its' own greed and causing a massive credit crisis that we have not even begun to dig out of. Is this the kind of regulation you fear? Bush enacted libertarian hands-off economic policies and business responded by screwing the people of this country in the ass. Business stripped employees of jobs, outsoursed them and consolidated small business turning much of the country into one big mall. They could use a little regualtion...don't worry I'm sure no one on the board of Exxon will go hungry.

On to Che Guevara. I am not a big fan of Guevara and the Obama workers that chose to decorate the office like that are obvious morons. But McCain has been know to help out Blackwater, and they have surpassed Guevara's attrocities in Iraq as paid thug mercenaries. In fact now that hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians have been killed in the name of a totally useless war it seems pretty petty and ignorant of you to worry about a campaign worker in Houston who puts up a poster of Che Guevara, but then again it was on FOX.

Labels: , ,


# posted by shapper @ 11:31 AM 7 Comments Links to this post
 

My name is Razzy, and I am a Republican

A lot of my friends have been wondering why I'm so pro-McCain. Because I'm socially very liberal in my beliefs, they just can't fathom why I would vote for a conservative Republican. Some people have chalked this up to my desire to be a contrarian asshole, and I'd be lying if I didn't say this was partly true. Philosophically, I'm a moderate libertarian. I believe that the government should be very small, taxes should be extremely low, and the only thing that our elected officials should be worried about are maintaining basic infrastructure and the military. I don't think the government has any business legislating morality or making exceptions to the civil liberties guaranteed in our Constitution. I also think that the economy should be as free-market as it can get. Therefore, I don't vote based on social issues. I vote for people who have a conservative, pro-business voting record and who make an effort to eliminate corruption and graft from Washington. Thus...John McCain.

There are a lot of things I'm not crazy about with regard to Senator McCain. I'm certainly not wild about his affiliating himself with Bush for political reasons, but I take comfort in knowing that the Jesus freak neo-cons in the Republican party hate his hot liver-spotty ass. I'd certainly rather support a more fiscally conservative war hero than a spend-happy socialist like Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. I think the poster that Scores hung up in honor of Presidents' Day says it all (and note...Scores, a world-famous strip club, isn't discriminating against Hillary for her female gender):

I don't really know how Bloomberg got in there since he's not even technically running (yet) other than via wishful thinking by New Yorkers, but I have to say that a McCain-Bloomberg ticket is way more appealing to me than a Clinton-Obama (or vice-versa) ticket. Business would boom (thus creating jobs and helping our flagging economy) and America wouldn't be spending $500-800 billion we don't have on unproven social programs and tax cuts which may not even be implementable. In fact, this past Sunday morning I realized that I truly am a fiscal Republican when I was having sex to "The Cost of Freedom" business block on Fox News and I actually got turned on listening to Neil Cavuto and friends slam Obama for his demonization of corporate interests and recommending that you pad your kids' college funds with tobacco company stocks. I plan to buy my NFL team based on the record profits of the biotech empire I'm going to found, and I can't do that without the Bush tax cuts in place. So fuck off, Obama, you price-controlling, NAFTA-hating, over-regulating, anti-capitalist pinko!

Furthering my disdain for Barack Obama was a shot that I saw from the Houston Fox affiliate of a local Obama campaign office. I was appalled:

Yes, that's right...Obama's people hung up a Cuban flag emblazoned with the iconic portrait of Che Guevara so favored by pseudo-intellectual hipsters buying faux vintage shirts at Urban Outfitters. Good thinking, Obama staffers. At least now I'm clear on what's underlying Obama's fluent and insubstantial rhetoric: a desire to emulate a communist revolutionary who facilitated Castro's rise to power by executing hundreds of political dissidents without a trial. I was confused about what kind of "change" Obama was advocating, but now I know that in addition to promising a whole lot of vaguely elucidated reforms our country can't afford, he encourages people to find hope and inspiration in a socialist who spent the majority of his life fomenting bloody guerrilla wars. I especially like the peace sign flag that Obama's people have hung alongside the Che flag. Nothing says "peace" like a guy who was basically a mercenary specializing in violent political upheaval inclined to kill those speaking out against the policies he advocated. Either Obama's campaign is woefully ignorant of history or far more insidious than I thought. Next to this, McCain looks pretty damn solid.

I am tired of people being shocked that I am a Republican, at least in this election. I don't like hypocrites, and I don't like idiots, and McCain is less of both. So that's why I'm voting for John McCain this November (assuming he gets the nomination, which he will). I genuinely believe that he would be better for America than anyone the Democrats can offer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go listen to some Toby Keith and eat some freedom fries. John! Mc! Cain! U! S! A!

Labels: , , , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 8:44 AM 8 Comments Links to this post

Monday, February 11, 2008

 

Celebrity endorsement of the year up for grabs

Apparently Hayden Panettiere, the fucking moron who is on "Heroes" or some show I don't watch, is not going to shut up about her lame-ass "Save the Whales" crap. As if anyone cares, Hayden decided to give Chelsea Clinton an ultimatum to pass along to her mother: she'll only vote for the candidate who will save the whales. I bet Hillary is going to get right on that. Because in the grand hierarchy of problems facing America, the handful of non-endangered whales that get eaten in Japanese, Norwegian, and Icelandic specialty seafood restaurants are right up there with the Iraq War and the tanking economy.

I know all the current presidential candidates are totally freaking out over the prospect of not getting the votes of Hayden Panettiere and her hippie whale-saving surfer friends. I mean, there's probably at least five people out there who aren't going to support anyone that doesn't have the approval of this dumb, barely enfranchised poor man's Lindsay Lohan.

Barack Obama better watch out, because he might have Oprah stumping for him, but if he doesn't start talking more about his plan for the whales than his (unfeasible) universal health care bullshit, he's not getting Hayden's vote! At least I can rest easy that my boy John McCain is like, "Whales? What whales?" and I won't have Hayden standing next to me at any political rallies. Well, okay, I'm too lazy to actually go to any McCain rallies but let's pretend that I did, and that somehow I got into the VIP supporter section hanging around with the Hollywood heavyweights and McCain's hot power lesbian wife Cindy and cantankerous mom Roberta. Hypothetically, I'd be totally annoyed if Hayden Panettiere was there wearing a stupid pair of tortoise-rimmed Wayfarers and lecturing everyone sanctimoniously about how whales aren't fish, they're marine mammals with feelings and cute babies.

Actually, I secretly hope that the only candidate who speaks out for the whales is Mike Huckabee. I just want to see Hayden going to the polls in a Huckabee shirt with Chuck Norris and supporting a candidate who equates homosexuality to bestiality and plans to make the U.S. a theocracy. Not that Huckabee (or anyone) is going to rally for the cause of the whales, as we have better things to do than pick a fight with Japan, Norway, and Iceland for their limited whaling practices, but something about the idea of Hayden joining Team Huckabee just makes me smile. Really, all you'd have to do is give her the idea that "sins" is synonymous with "whales," and Hayden will sign right up the second Huckabee tells her that Jesus died to save our sins and he wants to alter our Constitution to reflect this. Trust.

Labels: , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 10:43 AM 1 Comments Links to this post

Friday, January 25, 2008

 

Daily Douchebag: people who say "Vote for Hillary" because she's a broad


Name: various

DOB: various

Occupation: reminding me that I have a vagina and XX chromosomes and a pair of tits, and thus should like Hillary Clinton

Hometown: various

Current residence: various, but there's plenty in NYC

Douchebaggery: I've heard from several of my friends recently expressions of shock that I'm not into Hillary because "she's a woman." My friends aren't douchebags, but just because they are smart and I love them doesn't mean that I have to agree with them on this point. The other day I treated JerseyGirl to a lengthy oration on my grand love for John McCain and she replied, "Razzy, I like McCain, but Hillary's a woman."

I scoffed and responded, "If that's how you feel, then you should have voted for Elizabeth Dole in 2000."

JerseyGirl acknowledged that I had a point there. Now, I realize that she and LL Cool Jew, who is also a Hillary girl, like more about Mrs. Clinton than just her vagina. In fact, if her vagina were available for public scrutiny, I'm willing to bet that she wouldn't even be a contender in the race. You know Hillary's bits are wrinkly and gross. I would attribute that even more than her atrocious personality as the main factor driving her husband into the arms of many a porky skank. No, JerseyGirl and LL Cool Jew like Hillary's policies as well. I, however, do NOT.

I don't like how Hillary Clinton is going after Barack Obama, and vice versa. It makes them both look petty and ridiculous, and validates every suspicion I have that Hillary will say anything and everything to gain power. I don't like people who are disingenuous, and Hillary strikes me as extremely disingenuous. I feel like she would promise me one thing and then promise my neighbor the opposite so long as it meant we would both vote for her.

I also don't like her actual policies. She wants to spend too much money on the wrong things. For example, she busts on Bush's tax cuts but allocated millions to build a museum commemorating Woodstock. Bitch, we are in serious debt, in a money-sucking war, and about to enter a recession; we don't need to be wasting taxpayer money on hippie museums! She is basically a socialist, and has called the free-market economy "radically disruptive." Yet, while Hillary loves to talk trash about how evil capitalists have profited at the expense of the common worker's health care, she worked as a corporate lawyer for Wal-Mart and sat on their board. Slut needs to shut up about helping out the working class when she sat on the board of directors for a company whose business plan famously screws its employees out of benefits and decent wages. She's also always talking about what a great job she did with the whole health care thing when her husband the Silver Fox was in office. That's in spite of the fact that last time I checked, the state of health care in America is worse than it's ever been before. More people are uninsured, more people are denied coverage, and more people are getting repeated fucked over financially by the entire system, yet Hillary loves to pat herself on the back for having tackled it and failed miserably fifteen years ago. Hillary is a liar and a hypocrite, and I don't need her patronizingly informing me of all she's done to help out the common man--or woman.

The most glaring example, however, of why I hate Hillary is the Iraq War. Hillary is always talking about what a shitshow this thing is and how she just wants to bring everyone home right away, regardless of the consequences. However, BITCH VOTED FOR THE WAR! I don't appreciate her whining about Bush "rushing to war" when her ass voted to authorize him to do so. I also don't like that she explains her actions by whining about how Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction there (we all know that), and then proposes to just bring everyone home. I am not a fan of the Iraq War AT ALL, and I think we never should have gotten ourselves into that appalling mess. However, thanks to Senator Clinton and all our other elected legislators who voted for it, we're now stuck in it. I'm not sure what the solution is or if there is one, but I know that it is NOT just saying, "See ya, Iraq" and busting the fuck out of there. Clinton helped get us into this mess, and now she's trying to get us out by just saying, "Oops, our bad. Later, dudes! See you when you're politically stable, which will be NEVER." I do not want this prostitute managing our departure from Iraq. She didn't know what the fuck she was doing when she voted yes to war, she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing now when she's opposing it, and she is being dishonest to make up for how pathetically unqualified she is at managing the entire clusterfuck. I understand that "flip-flopping" is a normal part of politics, and there will never be a politician who has been consistent on every policy. However, the war in Iraq is probably the biggest issue to flip-flop on out there, and it's clear that her position changed solely for political reasons. I don't want a Senator who votes based on her own ambitions for power rather than the good of her constituents. I didn't vote to re-elect Hillary in 2006, and I am not voting for her for president in 2008 under any circumstances. I would seriously rather elect Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee than Hillary Clinton.

Many people have suggested that those who oppose Hillary Clinton are doing so by judging her unfairly because she's female. I've heard a lot of commentary about how men are never criticized so harshly about their looks or their clothes, and it's just another example of how sexism is still insidiously prevalent in our society. I could care less whether or not Hillary is being judged unfairly for her vile taste in pantsuits. She is a liar, and she could be the most awe-inspiring beauty in the world and I wouldn't like her. Her vagina isn't any more important to me than John McCain's penis (although I know which one of those I'd rather be face-to-face with). I judge her on her record, which is contradictory and unsettling. Casting my vote based on her gender is just as arbitrary as not casting it based on her style choices, and I don't feel that the feminist thing to do is to make an incompetent liar the head bitch in charge of America.

Besides, hooker went to Wellesley. FUCK WELLESLEY! The first president from the Seven Sisters isn't going to be one of those sluts from the other side of Assachusetts. She's going to be a Smith College graduate. Named Razzy. She's going to never lie, wear lots of low-cut tops (which double as excellent tools for diplomacy), deliver speeches replete with plenty of what Robert Sylvester Kelly would call "real talk," reinstate the Monroe Doctrine, and invade Canada. Just kidding about that last part. I'm actually going to invade Mexico. It will solve a big chunk of our immigration problem and as an added bonus, tacos and Cuervo shots for everyone! The point is, back when I was at Smith some dumb girls would wear these shirts with former alumnae Barbara Bush and Nancy Reagan on them that said, "There's got to be a better way to get a Smithie in the White House." I'll tell you what that way is. Don't vote for Hillary in 2008, and vote for Razzy in 2016 after President McCain rules America's face off for two terms! GO PIONEERS!

Labels: , , , , , , , , , ,


# posted by Razzy @ 8:29 AM 6 Comments Links to this post

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Subscribe to Posts [Atom]