Tuesday, July 28, 2009
K-Fed is Overfed
Every time I see a picture of Kevin Federline, I'm continually shocked that he manages to get even fatter. At first, I was like "Wow, K-Fed's packed on a little chunk. He's not going to get any backup dancing gigs looking like that." Then, I was like, "K-Fed could easily afford a personal trainer with the $30K a month from Brit Brit's coffers that he stacks each month." I thought to myself how sad it is that K-Fed would give up on his lifelong dream of being a complete mockery of a rap star just because he was busy cashing in on the child support and alimony gold mine and living's easy. Does the man have no dignity or self-respect?
Now I am actually wondering if he's really just a savvy businessman. K-Fed has gone beyond the one-too-many-meals-a-day-at-Popeye's level of fat and has exploded into the elite upper echelons of morbid obesity. I mean, the ground shakes when he approaches like it's fucking Jurassic Park. Seriously, I look at him, and I see one of the cave trolls from Lord of the Rings wearing a douched-up pair of D&G shades. Give the man a mace or a club and he's ready to fuck up some hobbits.
This can mean only one thing: he's angling for a show on TLC. He's got all the makings of a TLC star: a staggeringly astronomical body mass index score, too many children, a crazy ex-wife, and minor celebrity gleaned from basically just fucking around. It will be like "The 750-lb Man" meets "Jon and Kate Plus 8." Ratings gold!
(Yes, I'd watch it.)
Labels: celebrities, fat fucks, Kevin Federline
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Kevin Federline
DOB: March 21, 1978
Occupation: father of the year, gold-digger of the century, public relations savant, true professional
Hometown: Fresno, California
Current residence: Santa Monica, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I certainly never, ever though I would write the words "Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Kevin Federline." However, then I caught a little bit of last night's "One Tree Hill." Yes, I've seen a few episodes of "One Tree Hill," and no, I'm not ashamed of that. "Battlestar Galactica" I am ashamed of. Not that I ever watch "Battlestar Galactica." I mean, I watched it one...a few...okay, more than ten times. However, any viewing of "Battlestar Galactica" I've ever done has been purely an accident. None of the other channels were working. Yeah...that's it. None of the other channels were working or I would have watched something--ANYTHING--before I watched a nerd clusterfuck like "Battlestar Galactica." Anyway, I've seen "One Tree Hill" a couple times and I don't feel the overriding need to explain those viewings away with a pack of lies. There's no shame in watching a show about the sex lives of short, clumsy basketball-playing teens and the cheerleaders who love them. Plus, the guy who played John Sears, KEG house nemesis of Steve Sanders, would-be pedophile, and all-around asshole jerk, from "90210" is on it! I can't be ashamed of watching any show that includes a former Kelly Taylor love interest in its cast. Now, if only "Battlestar Galactica" would cast a Bev Niner alum...by accident. ANYWAY. Last night I watched "One Tree Hill," and Kevin Federline was on.
On the show, K-Fed plays a Linkin Park-flavored punk rock rapper guy. Think David Silver meets Pete Wentz, except in an extremely incestuous North Carolina small town. He has some drama with this other girl from the main cast. She was in his band and he slept with her and her slut friend or something, so she quit. Then she had some words with K-Fed, he talked shit, and subsequently earned himself a knuckle sandwich. It doesn't get more satisfying than that.
This should get a fucking Emmy. I'd like to see TV come up with something better than Kevin Federline acting like the asshole we all expect him to be. He calls someone a retard, calls her skank friend out for leaving her granny panties in his bed (insert "oh, SNAP!" here), and then slaps skank friend on the ass. Then, just when K-Fed thinks he's a hot piece of despicable shit, "Skills" Taylor clocks him in the face for being a disrespectful prick! AWESOME!!! Besides, if you were paying close attention to Kevin's temples, you noticed that the CEO of Federation Records is rocking a buzz fauxhawk--with a receding hairline! That takes serious balls. The only way this could get better is if Brenda Walsh showed up in a leather jacket/leather vest/camel toe-exposing high-waisted jeans combo and shrieked, "Look, I hate you both! Never talk to me again!"
Kevin Federline, who was previously famous for his fecundity and hip-hop cracker style, has managed to reinvent himself as a master of the acting craft. He was born to play douchebag white trash punk rocker/rappers who get their fake Ed Hardy shirt-wearing asses beat on CW shows. The FedEx should just throw on his street rocker hoodie and wait for the professional accolades to roll in. This was truly the year's finest TV moment. James Lipton best clear his schedule, because I definitely sense that an episode of "Inside the Actors' Studio" reviewing the achievements of K-Fed is forthcoming. I can't wait until K-Fed regales the drama geeks with tales of how he prepared to deliver lines like, "The only reason people were clappin' is that I told 'em you were retarded." Genius.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, intentional buffoonery, Kevin Federline, TV
Friday, January 04, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Britney Spears AGAIN
DOB: December 2, 1981
Occupation: special needs
Hometown: Kentwood, Louisiana
Current residence: psychiatric ward, Cedars-Sinai Hospital, Los Angeles, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: BECAUSE IT FINALLY HAS HAPPENED! Britney really went crazy. Not just shave her head crazy. Not just fuck a paparazzo crazy. Not just five Frappuccinos a day crazy. Not bare feet in a gas station bathroom crazy, bad wig crazy, or buy a new puppy mill dog crazy. She went full-on insane, refused to return her kids to K-Fed, locked her court-appointed monitor out of the house, locked herself in a room with Jayden James, and was finally hauled away to the "special needs" ward of the hospital in an ambulance. She's being kept in the hospital for 72 hours, and then is going to be booked on as-yet-undisclosed charges. I predict kidnapping and possession/use of methamphetamine.
I honestly don't really know why I'm so infatuated with Britney's drama, but I never get tired of her lunatic antics. In anyone else's case, this sort of thing would be sad, but with Britney it's more riveting than "who shot J.R.?" circa 1984. She obviously went nuts when she saw that K-Fed spent New Year's Eve partying with Paris Hilton at some club in Vegas at what must have been the douchiest party in North America, and went straight for the crystal to calm herself down. Or a fresh bottle of Jenkem. Either that or she was pissed that Jamie-Lynn's teen pregnancy has been stealing all her tabloid thunder as of late and she knew she really had to take the crazy up a few notches to get the spotlight squarely back on her.
In any event, I continue to love the legendary Ms. Britney Spears. She entertains me now even more than she ever did as a musician/pop star, and I must confess that then she entertained me a LOT. If this is how she's starting out the New Year, 2008 is shaping up to be a great one. So now, bring on the mugshot and the charges! It's Britney's year, bitch!
Labels: Britney Spears, celebrities, crazies, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, drugs, Kevin Federline
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Guardian ad AWESOME
Today, the NY Daily News rocked the Post's face off with its superior cover:
And in case you hadn't heard enough people shooting off at the mouth about Unfitney's prowess at parenting, I just had to share an excellent suggestion that Morrissey'sHair sent me in a text this afternoon: "Sean Preston and Jayden James really need a guardian appointed. I'm thinking Jim Walsh."
That's not a bad idea. Jim Walsh, a hairy-backed accountant hailing from Minneapolis, demonstrated his prowess at child rearing by unleashing the perennially successful poster boy for goody-two-shoe assholes, Brandon Walsh. Granted, Brandon did crash his car "Mondale" once while driving drunk after letting Steve Sanders pour him one too many mango-ritas, developed a severe gambling addiction that resulted in Nat bailing his ass out when his bookies came looking for legs to break, hooked up with psycho Emily Valentine, was embroiled in a cheating scandal with California University star basketball player DeShaun Hardell, fooled around on Kelly with this crazy slut/freelance advice columnist/stalker, and had a torrid affair with the anthropologist wife of his favorite sociology professor, but he always managed to land on his feet and have things work out for the best. For example, when he crashed Mondale, it freed up space in the Walsh driveway for his classic convertible 'Stang. Brandon also was able to have the courage and moral fortitude to help Dylan kick drugs and alcohol more than once, save the Peach Pit from greedy developers, write heartwrenching editorials for the West Beverly Blaze, keep Steve Sanders in school, almost marry Kelly Taylor twice, be elected to the California University chancellor's elite "task force" (not sure what tasks they worked on, but it was very prestigious nonetheless), save Donna from a lunatic cameraman who took her hostage at the CU TV station, and pay a stripper without her taking off any clothes because he got to know her and was then too gentlemanly to proceed with objectifying her. He could have accomplished none of that without Jim Walsh's steady hand and prowess at fathering.
Granted, Jim Walsh was kind of batting .500 when it came to producing healthy, well-adjusted children when you consider the case of Brandon's spastic and completely irrational bitch twin Brenda, but in fairness, I think Brenda would have been an asshole whether she was raised by the finest family or raised by a pack of wolves. I think that he'd certainly provide more reliable and conservative guidance than K-Fed ever could for Sean Preston and Jayden James. At least Jimbo wouldn't be rocking cornrows and trashing his baby mama to the press. I strongly urge the California court system to consider this option. Besides, apart from his appearance last year as a Scientologist OB/GYN on an episode of "Nip/Tuck," it's not like James Eckhouse is so busy with acting jobs that he can't just assume the role he was born to play in real life and save those brats from Unfitney. He could even teach them some righteous karaoke. It would really be in those kids' best interest.
That's not a bad idea. Jim Walsh, a hairy-backed accountant hailing from Minneapolis, demonstrated his prowess at child rearing by unleashing the perennially successful poster boy for goody-two-shoe assholes, Brandon Walsh. Granted, Brandon did crash his car "Mondale" once while driving drunk after letting Steve Sanders pour him one too many mango-ritas, developed a severe gambling addiction that resulted in Nat bailing his ass out when his bookies came looking for legs to break, hooked up with psycho Emily Valentine, was embroiled in a cheating scandal with California University star basketball player DeShaun Hardell, fooled around on Kelly with this crazy slut/freelance advice columnist/stalker, and had a torrid affair with the anthropologist wife of his favorite sociology professor, but he always managed to land on his feet and have things work out for the best. For example, when he crashed Mondale, it freed up space in the Walsh driveway for his classic convertible 'Stang. Brandon also was able to have the courage and moral fortitude to help Dylan kick drugs and alcohol more than once, save the Peach Pit from greedy developers, write heartwrenching editorials for the West Beverly Blaze, keep Steve Sanders in school, almost marry Kelly Taylor twice, be elected to the California University chancellor's elite "task force" (not sure what tasks they worked on, but it was very prestigious nonetheless), save Donna from a lunatic cameraman who took her hostage at the CU TV station, and pay a stripper without her taking off any clothes because he got to know her and was then too gentlemanly to proceed with objectifying her. He could have accomplished none of that without Jim Walsh's steady hand and prowess at fathering.
Granted, Jim Walsh was kind of batting .500 when it came to producing healthy, well-adjusted children when you consider the case of Brandon's spastic and completely irrational bitch twin Brenda, but in fairness, I think Brenda would have been an asshole whether she was raised by the finest family or raised by a pack of wolves. I think that he'd certainly provide more reliable and conservative guidance than K-Fed ever could for Sean Preston and Jayden James. At least Jimbo wouldn't be rocking cornrows and trashing his baby mama to the press. I strongly urge the California court system to consider this option. Besides, apart from his appearance last year as a Scientologist OB/GYN on an episode of "Nip/Tuck," it's not like James Eckhouse is so busy with acting jobs that he can't just assume the role he was born to play in real life and save those brats from Unfitney. He could even teach them some righteous karaoke. It would really be in those kids' best interest.
Labels: Bev Niner, Britney Spears, destroy all children, Kevin Federline, large exclamatory font, Morrissey'sHair
LL Cool Jew might just overdose...
...on Britney Spears-related gossip. Yesterday, while some of my undergraduate contemporaries were busy crafting e-mails chiding my insensitivity, LL Cool Jew and I were doing the REALLY important work: Google talking about breaking Britney news.
LL Cool Jew: http://perezhilton.com/?p=6459
LL Cool Jew: britney loses kids!!!!!
Razzy: like that's a shocker
LL Cool Jew: STILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Razzy: i wonder if brit was trying to do it on purpose
Razzy: maybe it's all a ploy to saddle kfed with the kids
LL Cool Jew: is she going to kill herself?????
Razzy: no
Razzy: i don't believe it!
Razzy: couldn't be more excited about being kid-free probs
LL Cool Jew: i just love the DRAMZ! the DRAMZ!
LL Cool Jew: i'm palpitating with the celebutard dramz!
Razzy: Perez Hilton always says everyone should be on suicide watch
LL Cool Jew: i live for this!
LL Cool Jew: i live for it!!!!!!!
Razzy: i know
LL Cool Jew: as soon as it happened bigbagel was like i have to let you go, i know you're imining furiously with your friends
Razzy: it's so crazy
Razzy: but like it wasn't coming
Razzy: i can't believe the kids weren't taken away weeks ago
Razzy: i mean, like she's been passing her drug tests!
LL Cool Jew: i KNOW but i LOVE it
Razzy: i think it's time for brit to start going CRAZY
Razzy: now that she's kid-free
LL Cool Jew: OK, predictions - give it
Razzy: brit starts flashing her HV like thrice weekly (NOTE: HV="hairless vagina")
gets popped for DUI
LL Cool Jew: and assaulting an officer
Razzy: KFed, meanwhile, sells his side of the story to Dateline or something
Razzy: Sean Preston and Jayden James grow into the most nightmarish children imaginable
Razzy: KFed bankrupts Brit with alimony and child support
LL Cool Jew: i hope one of them is gay
LL Cool Jew: or both would be good too
Razzy: Brit winds up years later trying to do a comeback tour
Razzy: ends up playing in Reno
Razzy: because that's the best she can do
LL Cool Jew: she's going to get aretha franklin fat
LL Cool Jew: (so is beyonce, btw)
Razzy: FOR REAL
LL Cool Jew: maybe she'll get michael jackson surgery too
Razzy: entirely possible
Razzy: i would bet she starts with a new nose
Razzy: and some seriously f'd up looking lipo
LL Cool Jew: maybe she'll OD on "boog suge"
Razzy: TOTALLY
Razzy: and i think it's entirely possible that a NAST sex tape will be released
Razzy: brit and...
LL Cool Jew: RICK SOLOMON
LL Cool Jew: DEF
Razzy: no rick solomon just married pam anderson
LL Cool Jew: so WHAT?
Razzy: which is also gross
Razzy: JOE FRANCIS
Razzy: once he gets out of jail
Razzy: NICK CARTER
Razzy: and/or Aaron Carter
LL Cool Jew: you know who the best would be for britney's sex tape?
LL Cool Jew: the fatter brother of that oil tycoon that called LL a firecrotch
LL Cool Jew: just his grease mixing with her cheeto powder
Razzy: YES..."Gummi Bear" as TMZ calls him
Razzy: Brandon Davis's bro
LL Cool Jew: exactly. he is awesome.
LL Cool Jew: we're thinking small dude
Razzy: PETE DOHERTY
LL Cool Jew: it's got to be worse than a sex tape
LL Cool Jew: it has to be on live tv
Razzy: a HEROIN and sex tape
LL Cool Jew: maybe she drives her car off a cliff in front of the papz on live TV
LL Cool Jew: it all starts with an OJ-style low-speed chase
LL Cool Jew: right into cahuenga canyon
Razzy: TOTZ
Razzy: britney murders K-FED!
LL Cool Jew: THAT IS IT
Razzy: takes him out phil hartman style!
LL Cool Jew: THAT IS IT
LL Cool Jew: BRITNEY SENTENCED TO DEATH for murdering k-fed
LL Cool Jew: shar jones takes all the kids
Razzy: can you imagine?
LL Cool Jew: maybe even better, Brit murders her MOM?
Razzy: britney kills self in epic waco-style standoff with police
LL Cool Jew: blaming her
LL Cool Jew: that's what i want
LL Cool Jew: that's the one i want!
LL Cool Jew: britney+waco!
Razzy: it would be SO rad
LL Cool Jew: and we get a photo of her charred foot sticking out a la kurt cobain suicide
Razzy: YES
LL Cool Jew: britney's fate is going to set a new standard
Razzy:she is just unreal
LL Cool Jew: it's going to be no. 1 on all the E! and VH1 "most shocking" countdowns
Razzy: it's probs all over "the daily 10" and that trash too
LL Cool Jew: no no no, i'm talking after the showdown with the FBI
LL Cool Jew: over her drugs and guns cache
LL Cool Jew: and the ensuing inferno in malibu
Razzy: oh yes, yes, yes
LL Cool Jew: shit man
Razzy: also it will keep "celebrity justice" in business for the next 10 years
LL Cool Jew: bitch STILL has to do the drug testing even though she already lost the tots!
LL Cool Jew: AND the parenting classes!
me: I KNOW!
LL Cool Jew: i guess at least she won't have to waste any more money on nanny/fuckbuddies
Razzy: she wasn't paying them well enough anyway
Razzy: like "big tony" who went straight to the media and the family court and ratted her ass out
LL Cool Jew: razzy, razzy, razzy - this is an incredible day.
Razzy: for doing meth and farting all the time!
Razzy: i know
Razzy: it's right up there with the day ANS died (NOTE: ANS="Anna Nicole Smith")
LL Cool Jew: where is jerseygirl? what could she possibly be doing besides downloading this with us?
LL Cool Jew: she's probably trying to book britney hangers on, actually
Razzy: i am SURE
Razzy: she once had to book a shrink on that morning show she worked for to talk about britney
Razzy: and this was back when brit shaved her head
LL Cool Jew: i remember, i was on my way to jerseygirl's house that day!
LL Cool Jew:it was when i was in town for my wedding dress fitting
Razzy: totz
LL Cool Jew: brit shaved the head like feb 21 or 22, right after we went on my birthday dinner
Razzy: right
Razzy: i remember that
LL Cool Jew: i think i stayed overnight with jerseygirl and she was instantly on the phone with shrinks
LL Cool Jew: god, britney has entertained me so much this year
LL Cool Jew: much moreso than when she was making music
Razzy: yeah she was calling ever head doc in her blackberry
LL Cool Jew: "music"
Razzy: yeah, i mean as hot as the "i'm a slave 4 u" implied orgy video was
Razzy: this is WAAAAYYYY better
Razzy: it's even better than the awesomeness known as brit's best song ever ("email my heart")
LL Cool Jew: i did like the "slave" orgy tho
LL Cool Jew: have to say
Razzy: me too
LL Cool Jew: ahh. i'm coming down off the high now. thanks for talking me through it. can't wait for the deetz.
Razzy: i KNOW
LL Cool Jew: you're always there for me in my hour of overwrought celebrity need, raz
Razzy: i try
LL Cool Jew: boy, you've got a lot of work cut out for you on this blog, between the Rock of Love whodunit and any priceless BritBrit commentary you care to furnish
LL Cool Jew: phew.
Razzy: i know
Razzy: i'll have to work it out tonight
Razzy: you know, you could furnish some brit brit commentary too
LL Cool Jew: dewd, i just shot my wad. you should just post our chat.
LL Cool Jew: so the razzyphiles can see the brilliance AS IT EVOLVED
Razzy: or maybe i'll just bite wmania's words: BABE, this was your SHOT. Your CHANCE.
Razzy: I think I will
LL Cool Jew: when you've got source material like that...
Razzy: then, like wmania, i'll scathingly ask, "Will you apologize to JT and Timbaland?"
LL Cool Jew: you've got a memory like a steel trap, lady
LL Cool Jew: your powers of quotation are amazing
Razzy: oh i'm reading it off the blog right now
Razzy: i'm not that great
Razzy: but i try
LL Cool Jew: LOLz
How she and I actually get any work done EVER I don't know, but per her request, I just posted the chat. So witness the evolution of what LL Cool Jew characterizes as "brilliance" and enjoy. We're not that great...but we try.
LL Cool Jew: http://perezhilton.com/?p=6459
LL Cool Jew: britney loses kids!!!!!
Razzy: like that's a shocker
LL Cool Jew: STILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Razzy: i wonder if brit was trying to do it on purpose
Razzy: maybe it's all a ploy to saddle kfed with the kids
LL Cool Jew: is she going to kill herself?????
Razzy: no
Razzy: i don't believe it!
Razzy: couldn't be more excited about being kid-free probs
LL Cool Jew: i just love the DRAMZ! the DRAMZ!
LL Cool Jew: i'm palpitating with the celebutard dramz!
Razzy: Perez Hilton always says everyone should be on suicide watch
LL Cool Jew: i live for this!
LL Cool Jew: i live for it!!!!!!!
Razzy: i know
LL Cool Jew: as soon as it happened bigbagel was like i have to let you go, i know you're imining furiously with your friends
Razzy: it's so crazy
Razzy: but like it wasn't coming
Razzy: i can't believe the kids weren't taken away weeks ago
Razzy: i mean, like she's been passing her drug tests!
LL Cool Jew: i KNOW but i LOVE it
Razzy: i think it's time for brit to start going CRAZY
Razzy: now that she's kid-free
LL Cool Jew: OK, predictions - give it
Razzy: brit starts flashing her HV like thrice weekly (NOTE: HV="hairless vagina")
gets popped for DUI
LL Cool Jew: and assaulting an officer
Razzy: KFed, meanwhile, sells his side of the story to Dateline or something
Razzy: Sean Preston and Jayden James grow into the most nightmarish children imaginable
Razzy: KFed bankrupts Brit with alimony and child support
LL Cool Jew: i hope one of them is gay
LL Cool Jew: or both would be good too
Razzy: Brit winds up years later trying to do a comeback tour
Razzy: ends up playing in Reno
Razzy: because that's the best she can do
LL Cool Jew: she's going to get aretha franklin fat
LL Cool Jew: (so is beyonce, btw)
Razzy: FOR REAL
LL Cool Jew: maybe she'll get michael jackson surgery too
Razzy: entirely possible
Razzy: i would bet she starts with a new nose
Razzy: and some seriously f'd up looking lipo
LL Cool Jew: maybe she'll OD on "boog suge"
Razzy: TOTALLY
Razzy: and i think it's entirely possible that a NAST sex tape will be released
Razzy: brit and...
LL Cool Jew: RICK SOLOMON
LL Cool Jew: DEF
Razzy: no rick solomon just married pam anderson
LL Cool Jew: so WHAT?
Razzy: which is also gross
Razzy: JOE FRANCIS
Razzy: once he gets out of jail
Razzy: NICK CARTER
Razzy: and/or Aaron Carter
LL Cool Jew: you know who the best would be for britney's sex tape?
LL Cool Jew: the fatter brother of that oil tycoon that called LL a firecrotch
LL Cool Jew: just his grease mixing with her cheeto powder
Razzy: YES..."Gummi Bear" as TMZ calls him
Razzy: Brandon Davis's bro
LL Cool Jew: exactly. he is awesome.
LL Cool Jew: we're thinking small dude
Razzy: PETE DOHERTY
LL Cool Jew: it's got to be worse than a sex tape
LL Cool Jew: it has to be on live tv
Razzy: a HEROIN and sex tape
LL Cool Jew: maybe she drives her car off a cliff in front of the papz on live TV
LL Cool Jew: it all starts with an OJ-style low-speed chase
LL Cool Jew: right into cahuenga canyon
Razzy: TOTZ
Razzy: britney murders K-FED!
LL Cool Jew: THAT IS IT
Razzy: takes him out phil hartman style!
LL Cool Jew: THAT IS IT
LL Cool Jew: BRITNEY SENTENCED TO DEATH for murdering k-fed
LL Cool Jew: shar jones takes all the kids
Razzy: can you imagine?
LL Cool Jew: maybe even better, Brit murders her MOM?
Razzy: britney kills self in epic waco-style standoff with police
LL Cool Jew: blaming her
LL Cool Jew: that's what i want
LL Cool Jew: that's the one i want!
LL Cool Jew: britney+waco!
Razzy: it would be SO rad
LL Cool Jew: and we get a photo of her charred foot sticking out a la kurt cobain suicide
Razzy: YES
LL Cool Jew: britney's fate is going to set a new standard
Razzy:she is just unreal
LL Cool Jew: it's going to be no. 1 on all the E! and VH1 "most shocking" countdowns
Razzy: it's probs all over "the daily 10" and that trash too
LL Cool Jew: no no no, i'm talking after the showdown with the FBI
LL Cool Jew: over her drugs and guns cache
LL Cool Jew: and the ensuing inferno in malibu
Razzy: oh yes, yes, yes
LL Cool Jew: shit man
Razzy: also it will keep "celebrity justice" in business for the next 10 years
LL Cool Jew: bitch STILL has to do the drug testing even though she already lost the tots!
LL Cool Jew: AND the parenting classes!
me: I KNOW!
LL Cool Jew: i guess at least she won't have to waste any more money on nanny/fuckbuddies
Razzy: she wasn't paying them well enough anyway
Razzy: like "big tony" who went straight to the media and the family court and ratted her ass out
LL Cool Jew: razzy, razzy, razzy - this is an incredible day.
Razzy: for doing meth and farting all the time!
Razzy: i know
Razzy: it's right up there with the day ANS died (NOTE: ANS="Anna Nicole Smith")
LL Cool Jew: where is jerseygirl? what could she possibly be doing besides downloading this with us?
LL Cool Jew: she's probably trying to book britney hangers on, actually
Razzy: i am SURE
Razzy: she once had to book a shrink on that morning show she worked for to talk about britney
Razzy: and this was back when brit shaved her head
LL Cool Jew: i remember, i was on my way to jerseygirl's house that day!
LL Cool Jew:it was when i was in town for my wedding dress fitting
Razzy: totz
LL Cool Jew: brit shaved the head like feb 21 or 22, right after we went on my birthday dinner
Razzy: right
Razzy: i remember that
LL Cool Jew: i think i stayed overnight with jerseygirl and she was instantly on the phone with shrinks
LL Cool Jew: god, britney has entertained me so much this year
LL Cool Jew: much moreso than when she was making music
Razzy: yeah she was calling ever head doc in her blackberry
LL Cool Jew: "music"
Razzy: yeah, i mean as hot as the "i'm a slave 4 u" implied orgy video was
Razzy: this is WAAAAYYYY better
Razzy: it's even better than the awesomeness known as brit's best song ever ("email my heart")
LL Cool Jew: i did like the "slave" orgy tho
LL Cool Jew: have to say
Razzy: me too
LL Cool Jew: ahh. i'm coming down off the high now. thanks for talking me through it. can't wait for the deetz.
Razzy: i KNOW
LL Cool Jew: you're always there for me in my hour of overwrought celebrity need, raz
Razzy: i try
LL Cool Jew: boy, you've got a lot of work cut out for you on this blog, between the Rock of Love whodunit and any priceless BritBrit commentary you care to furnish
LL Cool Jew: phew.
Razzy: i know
Razzy: i'll have to work it out tonight
Razzy: you know, you could furnish some brit brit commentary too
LL Cool Jew: dewd, i just shot my wad. you should just post our chat.
LL Cool Jew: so the razzyphiles can see the brilliance AS IT EVOLVED
Razzy: or maybe i'll just bite wmania's words: BABE, this was your SHOT. Your CHANCE.
Razzy: I think I will
LL Cool Jew: when you've got source material like that...
Razzy: then, like wmania, i'll scathingly ask, "Will you apologize to JT and Timbaland?"
LL Cool Jew: you've got a memory like a steel trap, lady
LL Cool Jew: your powers of quotation are amazing
Razzy: oh i'm reading it off the blog right now
Razzy: i'm not that great
Razzy: but i try
LL Cool Jew: LOLz
How she and I actually get any work done EVER I don't know, but per her request, I just posted the chat. So witness the evolution of what LL Cool Jew characterizes as "brilliance" and enjoy. We're not that great...but we try.
Labels: Britney Spears, celebrities, correspondence, intentional buffoonery, JerseyGirl, Kevin Federline, LL Cool Jew
Monday, June 18, 2007
Flattery works
I received this e-mail today:
From: Ed Philly (the_tedman@hotmail.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: hook a brotha up
whats up lady?
I hate begging, but I've exhausted all my other options aside from swallowing my pride,
and doing this:
i need a link!
I'm all for a fair trade, and since I cannot offer you head, I am willing to kiss your
ass instead, so here it is:
<-----Start Asskissing------>
-My, you are looking lovely today!
-If there was a title for "Most Badass Bitch", you would be the undisputed champion
-Any unholy love child produced by you and Capt. Sig, would end up being far sexier than
anything Brad Pitt, and Angelina are popping out.
-Did I mention that your breasts are perfection?
-Your awesomeness is under-rated, I will petition to have a street named after you,
immediately!
<--------End Asskissing------->
thats the best i got!
All I ask is you check my site out. If you like it, link it. If not, fuck it!
www.whiteboystyle.com
thanks for your time
-Ed Philly
http://www.whiteboystyle.com
Okay, so if you haven't figured out, Ed's website is at http://www.whiteboystyle.com, where you can catch up on his thoughts and see many pictures of him dressed like some sort of cross between Kevin Federline and (appropriately) Whiteboy from "I Love New York."
Since Ed is clearly a committed Razzyphile--with his carefully crafted flattery of my breasts, nomination of me for the "Most Badass Bitch" award (not to be confused with the "Baddest Bitch" title held in perpetuity by Trina), and knowledge of my extreme Sig Hansen fetish--I am more than happy to send a little linkity love his way. Apparently he can't give me head in exchange for this link/shout-out because he's married and has a kid, so I'll cut him some slack there.
As far as his site goes, it's not as good as mine (but what is? NOTHING), but it is entertaining. There are many anecdotal tales of his interactions with morons, which meet my hearty approval. He also admits to having "a penis smaller than the average clitoris," which means that he has balls, because that's what it takes for a dude to write that on the internets. Further validating that hypothesis is the fact that he asked for a link in the first place, meaning that he knew he was setting himself up for some serious internet mockery. You never know what kind of mean-spirited shit I'm going to say, so props to him for actually BEGGING. There's also some sort of webcam feature, which he was not on when I looked at it, but presumably when he is online you can watch him doing his thing (which, as far as I can tell, involves smoking, blogging, chasing around his employees, and launching petitions to Vivid demanding albino porn).
Anyway, you should go check it out...as he himself stated, "If you like it, link it. If not, fuck it!!!"
http://www.whiteboystyle.com/
From: Ed Philly (the_tedman@hotmail.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: hook a brotha up
whats up lady?
I hate begging, but I've exhausted all my other options aside from swallowing my pride,
and doing this:
i need a link!
I'm all for a fair trade, and since I cannot offer you head, I am willing to kiss your
ass instead, so here it is:
<-----Start Asskissing------>
-My, you are looking lovely today!
-If there was a title for "Most Badass Bitch", you would be the undisputed champion
-Any unholy love child produced by you and Capt. Sig, would end up being far sexier than
anything Brad Pitt, and Angelina are popping out.
-Did I mention that your breasts are perfection?
-Your awesomeness is under-rated, I will petition to have a street named after you,
immediately!
<--------End Asskissing------->
thats the best i got!
All I ask is you check my site out. If you like it, link it. If not, fuck it!
www.whiteboystyle.com
thanks for your time
-Ed Philly
http://www.whiteboystyle.com
Okay, so if you haven't figured out, Ed's website is at http://www.whiteboystyle.com, where you can catch up on his thoughts and see many pictures of him dressed like some sort of cross between Kevin Federline and (appropriately) Whiteboy from "I Love New York."
+
=
As far as his site goes, it's not as good as mine (but what is? NOTHING), but it is entertaining. There are many anecdotal tales of his interactions with morons, which meet my hearty approval. He also admits to having "a penis smaller than the average clitoris," which means that he has balls, because that's what it takes for a dude to write that on the internets. Further validating that hypothesis is the fact that he asked for a link in the first place, meaning that he knew he was setting himself up for some serious internet mockery. You never know what kind of mean-spirited shit I'm going to say, so props to him for actually BEGGING. There's also some sort of webcam feature, which he was not on when I looked at it, but presumably when he is online you can watch him doing his thing (which, as far as I can tell, involves smoking, blogging, chasing around his employees, and launching petitions to Vivid demanding albino porn).
Anyway, you should go check it out...as he himself stated, "If you like it, link it. If not, fuck it!!!"
http://www.whiteboystyle.com/
Labels: correspondence, down with OPB (other people's blogs), internet domination, Kevin Federline, porn, Razzyphiles
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Use a condom, for Chrissake!
This probably isn't true, but according to my gossip sites, Shar Jackson is knocked up with Kevin Federline's latest bastard child.
Why on earth Shar Jackson would let Kevin Federline's uncovered weiner anywhere near her vadge is beyond me. Obviously the man's only talent--besides smoking Marlboro Lights and wearing an askance baseball cap in the most trashtastic manner possible--is impregnating desperate skanks, so even considering unprotected sex with him is about as good an idea as sitting on the barrel of a grapeshot-loaded blunderbuss and releasing the flintlock (I've been watching a lot of "Modern Marvels: Pirate Tech" lately). Shar Jackson isn't winning any awards for her sensible decision making, though. If this rumor is true, then this is the THIRD bastard child Kevin Federline has fathered, so her curriculum vitae includes more of his illegitimate children than it does her legitimate acting jobs. Her latest project is some reality show where she helps bitches get back at their exes, so I think she's given up entirely on having a career for anything besides being his scorned ex/baby mama. Flipping burgers at Mickey D's would be a more dignified career.
Labels: assholes, Kevin Federline, oh the horror, retard rage
Saturday, December 30, 2006
2006: The Year of the Slut
It's that time again: the year in review. Here are the top hits that I knew about for the year - lovingly dubbed "The Year of the Slut" by my buddy Garbo. NEW YEAR'S EVE: We rang it in with more than good cheer. It's Rack's birthday, assholes, so the New Year is the least important of the relevant events. There were spankings from a Bettie Page look-alike, potfulls of thrice-spiked cider, a Harppon-employee (ergo free beer for three solid days), make-out sessions on linoleum floors, probably table-dances (can't remember), and more drastic instances of misbehavior. Well worth the drive and looking forward to the sequel tonight.
THE FIFA WORLD CUP: If you forget about the TOTAL shock of its outcome, the raucous good times of floating boozily through Irish bars in Manhattan, and the really remarkable number of hookups that invariably accompany this sort of endless social event, the title goes to Zinedine-I'm'a-fuck-your-face-up-Zidane. I was so drunk for a month that I couldn't feel my face when he cracked skull on the field, but I sure felt my jaw drop. Right into my next beer.
THE O.J. BOOK: Don't matter if Murdock prints it or not, which is great because he won't. But what FUCKING SHIT WAS THAT. Just when we thought that this pivotal post-Rodney King, pre-Dialo racial moment couldn't get any weirder, we are reminded why models and football players are not allowed to speak.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: [...]
AMERICA VOTES: The Democrats swept the nation in the 2006 elections. The outcomes hangs in the balance to see what can get done in this political gridlock, as our Commandante in Chief struggles with English and leadership, and the threat of any level of disaster to a Democratic Senator can upset the balance, but hell - the victory parties have been unrivaled.
TEJ OFFENSIVE: An evil plot to silence Razzy is foiled. Still ugly. But foiled. NOICE!
PLUTO DEMOTED: After millienia of devoted service, Pluto is kicked back down the cosmic ladder to middle management. No gold-plated watch. Just the outer ranks of outerspace. Qouth my father, "It throughs astrology into a tailspin." All I wanna know is, who's fucking head can I cut off for this? MY SALARY: In contrast to Pluto's diminished status, my shit hit a seismic spike. make no bones about it: it pays to be experiential. Fingers crossed for my bonus, when I can finally silence those rat bastard credit cards.
NORTH KOREA'S NUKES: Bless.
MY MOM IS DONE WITH MENOPAUSE: Score!
NASA: Three cheers for these poor sons of bitches for getting their shit together. They saved their funding, they pulled off three launches and they're thinking big on four for next year, they got shit on Mars, and they actually studied their data to apply it to the Orion - shit is rosy for America in SPACE Space space. Here's to you, JFK. TEACHER'S HIGH SCHOOL REUNION: My buddies Teach and Tubby hit their South Kakalaka high school reunion where the Most Popular Guy in their class, piss drunk and hard up for cash, tried to sell Tubby a dime bag. Almost simultaneously, M.P.G.'s remarkably drunker girlfriend made a confession to Teach that she and M.P.G. had met on MySpace, and requested discretion. Both bits of news hit the floor about eight minutes later. Luckily, M.P.G. was involved in a fist fight at the punch table for other reasons, and was forcibly ejected by security.
PLASTIC SURGERY: That is, my grandmother, at 80, has decided to close the door on face lifts.
MICROSOFT VISTA: At long fucking last, Gates takes a cue from Apple. If it ever comes out, we'll maybe have computers we can use. After all, the only criticism comes from Forbes.com is that it's not "people-ready". Quote they, "The new system is bloated and overly complex. Why wait?"
JACK BAUER: First of all, Keifer Southerland's career is officially saved. After Flatliners, we weren't sure, but things are on the up and up for the son of the Donald.
STEP DOWN: Lance Armstrong abdicates. David Beckham steps aside. Rumsfeld is out. But Jigger's back, bitches, and that's all that matters.
NATURAL DISASTER: 2004 gave us the Thai tsunami. 2005 was back with a vengeance with hurricanes so extraordinary, Katrina included, that we ran out of letters and had to start with the Greek alphabet. Fingers crossed that we make it through the next seven hours.
SNAKES ON A PLANE: Best line ever, forgive me if I paraphrase, the Samuel L. wrach delievred: "Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" I mean, after holiday travel, who isn't?
SMOKING GUN: Paris announces it will shortly ban smoking. I can't hear you.
TOM CRUISE: L. Ron strikes again. But on Oprah this time.
JACK PALANCE & GERALD FORD: Rest your souls, gents.
WATCH OUT, WILT CHAMBERLAIN: Cuz Kobe Bryant is the close saludatorian on all your titles, bro. But in this instance, I'm only talking about the game against the Raptors.
PAUL McCARTNEY: He gets that one-legged hooker to stand down, and also Rack and I stood within eight feet of him at JFK. He fucking smiled at her. Eat that, Beatle lovers. And also, no more Beatles died this year. With any luck, Death will focus on the Bay City Rollers for a while.
K-FED-ED: I need not say more. Free at last, Miss Britney, to reclaim your battered rock stardom.
LOYD IS GONE: With his charges mostly resolved, the renovations mostly done, and his rent mostly paid, Loyd is no longer employed as the Schnieder of the Blythewood Fallon household. No more advances on the paycheck, no more half-assed networking attempts of the dental laboratory technology, and no more visits for fucking nothing at 7 am. My parents fired his moochin ass, Pax Fallonia regained. Fuck that last unhung door.
BLYTHEWOOD, S.C.: Maybe y'all 'on'y know 'bout Doko, but Blythewood is on the climbin track this year. There are now five - count them, five - stoplights in my one-stoplight town. Four gas stations, three hotels, two grocery stores, partridge and shit, and a high school. And not just any high shcool. in its first year out of the gate, the highly anticipated Blythewood Bengals spank fat AAA-ass to take the state title in their first season. First of all, this just don't happen. And second of all - this just don't happen. Let's hear it for country ass in motion. 
JACK SPARROW: He lives, and so does Keith Richards, steadily enough to pop up in the next Pirates of the Caribbean. This is a monumentous occasion, and let us give thanks for both.
THE DA VINCI CODE: The American public still spends money on Tom Hanks. Cuz after all, life is a box of chocolates. And that's what Ron Howard gives his boyfriend.
BORAT: Ali G's years of underground genius finally make him some fucking money. High five. PINK TUTU: That is, my mom suggested that I wear one while I do dishes. This may sound insane to some of you, but the reality is that, had you placed a bet ten years ago as to which one I do first, you'd'a a fifty-chance of winning. Now that I support myself, I do, on occasion, wash dishes, so she was just testing the limits. Rest assured, though, that if your bet was on dishes, you won.
THE REAL WORLD: My sister is a college ga-gaduala, got a real job, and has a really good relationship in the works. And she has the CUTEST DOG. Gold medal for my bitch.
PLAYING THE FIELD: The Duke Lacrosse team is back. Into what, you ask? Remains to be seen.
PARIS HILTON: Still fucking famous, someone help me understand.
MICHAEL RICHARDS: Fuck bird flu. This erstwhile semi-celebrity gets foot-in-mouth disease by bringing back that old Ku Klux favorite joke, LYNCHING BLACK PEOPLE. Lest we think En Vogue's "Colorblind" made headway, beware ye hostile stand-ups and Seinfield hasbeens.
MEL GIBSON LEARNS TO DRIVE SLOWER: The miracle is, Russell Crowe's been off the grid for too long for comfort - watch out, 2K7.
REHAB: Robin Williams and Keith Urban. Their tell-all novel will def sell out.
MARGARET SANGER: The morning after pill cracks the glass ceiling. OU812 and RU486 step aside for drugs and concepts with names.
LOCAL DOG DISCOVERS ASPIRIN: As New York canines make confessions to their therapists, South Carolina native pooch Toby renews his own lease on life with aspirin for his arthritis, and gets back to his bee-biting, possum-cornering, car barking, ear scratching, and Alpo at seven[-ish].
TORINO: The Flying Tomato takes all.
MARDI GRAS: It happened, motherfuckers. And so did the Jazz Festival. Big fuck you, Mother Nature. Our boozing ceases not.
MR. T.: Sheds chains and still has TV career. I pity the naysayin' fool.
GET YOUR GAME ON: X-box 360 or Nintendo Wii, that is - either way, these gadgets had folks in line like it was a Star Wars premier - and fortunately, with better execution.
RESPITE OF THE SITH: Thanks be to the benevolence of Baby Jesus, George Lucas remained silent on the scriptwriting front, and our minds were able to rest from bungled romantic space operas. The capacity of Americans to show affection and have feelings dramatically rises. HD-DVD VERSUS BLU-RAY: Either begins or continues "taking digital perfection to a higher level."
NEW MEXICO: Chosen for Branson's Virgin Galactic SPACE Space space flight landing dock. Just a $20K deposit and you too can be on the waiting list to look at a lot of stars and then a whole lot of fucking sand. So spake my hero Han Solo, "This ain't like dustin' crops, boy. "
MADONNA REINSTATES SLAVE TRADE: But the kid will invariably get an awesome track suit from H&M in exchange for his daddy.
THE BIG RED HOOTER: Mal discovers the cocktail of the year, from across the great waters. Two shots tequila, one shot amaretto, fill the shit with pineapple juice and splash in some grenadine. Drunk dial me after three. I FOLD: After a decade of arbitrary resistance, I finally agree to watch Buffy: The Vampire Slayer with my family. My sister doesn't home and fucks up the plan, but the concession stands.
NATIVITY: The Greatest Story Ever Told. Told again. And again. And again. You guys ever heard of this guy, Jesus? Wicked plot. CANCER: Not cured. Again. Raz, you're still up.
BRANGELINA: Still being seen. Again. Good news is, whatever Brad's doing has put an end to her making out with her brother on-screen.
ON HUMAN BOND-AGE: Daniel Craig returns for a James Bond renewal in Casino Royale. He can't drive stick, he's afraid of water, and hates guns just like what'sit in Layer Cake, but goddamnit he's hot, and Sean Connery didn't protest, so it's all good. At least Bond lives on.
JONBENET RAMSEY: Still dead. But we got a revisitation with the possibility that her killer had finally been located. Since it turned out to be shoite, we have great hopes for more thrilling updates in 2007. And by the way, she's buried in the same graveyard as my old Georgia family.Labels: alcoholism, assholes, Britney Spears, crime and punishment, Dumb Smith bitches, FalloniusMonk, Johnny Depp, Kevin Federline, movies, Mr. T, Razzy Haters, smoking, tragedy
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Ladies look out, indeed
Apparently trying to extort $30 million and custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James out of Britney Spears by threatening to release their sex tape on the internet is not the only classy move the FedEx is making with regard to handling his divorce proceedings. The perenially informative publication Us Weekly reports that at one of his sparsely attended concerts recently, Federlame took a Sharpie to his dressing room's shower door and scrawled this triumphant freedom cry/touching reiteration of his commitment to being a good father/response to his wife's petition for dissolution of marriage/dire threat to the women of planet Earth in his toddleresque penmanship:
Consider me warned and actively looking out. If I see that cornrowed parasite coming anywhere near me I'll be looking out for a free clinic to get some prophylactic anti-herpetic like Valtrex, as well as a broad-spectrum antibiotic and some delousing powder just for good measure. As a microbiologist, I'm well aware that most STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact or proximity alone, but you can never be too careful around guys like the unshaven greaseball above. His look just oozes "potentially pathogenic", and I'm not taking any chances.
Consider me warned and actively looking out. If I see that cornrowed parasite coming anywhere near me I'll be looking out for a free clinic to get some prophylactic anti-herpetic like Valtrex, as well as a broad-spectrum antibiotic and some delousing powder just for good measure. As a microbiologist, I'm well aware that most STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact or proximity alone, but you can never be too careful around guys like the unshaven greaseball above. His look just oozes "potentially pathogenic", and I'm not taking any chances.
Labels: celebrities, Kevin Federline, oh the horror, PWT, retard rage
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Election? What election?
Who gives a flying fuck about the shifting balance of power in Congress when YESTERDAY BRITNEY SPEARS FILED FOR DIVORCE FROM KEVIN FEDERLINE!!!
Even better than voting and doing my civic duty yesterday was getting a text from LL Cool Jew reading "Britney files 4 divorce from K-Fed!"
The internet is blowing up about this, and Perez Hilton has even coined a totally awesome new term for Federlame:
Even better, YouTube now has video of the FedEx appearing on MuchMusic (Canada's MTV), talking about how supportive Britney (aka "the wife") is of his career as a piss-poor rapper and instigator/body slam fodder for WWE superstars. The BEST part is when Kevin, while filming some type of reality show, receives a text informing him that Spears just filed for divorce. Now THIS is my kind of reality show, because it doesn't get more real than the look on his face. You almost expect him to start screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeellllllllltttttinggg!!!!", or possibly making that squeaky, farty noise that helium balloons make when they develop a slow leak. I could watch this part of the video over and over.
Other highlights of this video include Kevin showing off how he retooled the engagement band he gave to Britney into a tacky-ass pinky ring, says that he only goes out partying when he's "beefing with the wife", treats the disinterested audience of Much on Demand (MuchMusic's "TRL") to a showcase of his "music," and talks about how much Britney believes in his talent and the notion that "together we take over the world"...all on the same day Britney's lawyers dropped off her petition for dissolution of marriage down at the courthouse.
Given the barrage of juicy divorce details forthcoming, I could care less about the Virginia and Montana Senate races. This shit is NOT going to be amicable, y'all, but it IS going to be fucking entertaining. And the betting window is OPEN if anyone wants to wager how long it will take FedEx to sign up for the next installment of "The Surreal Life" and/or "Dancing with the Stars."
Even better than voting and doing my civic duty yesterday was getting a text from LL Cool Jew reading "Britney files 4 divorce from K-Fed!"
The internet is blowing up about this, and Perez Hilton has even coined a totally awesome new term for Federlame:
Even better, YouTube now has video of the FedEx appearing on MuchMusic (Canada's MTV), talking about how supportive Britney (aka "the wife") is of his career as a piss-poor rapper and instigator/body slam fodder for WWE superstars. The BEST part is when Kevin, while filming some type of reality show, receives a text informing him that Spears just filed for divorce. Now THIS is my kind of reality show, because it doesn't get more real than the look on his face. You almost expect him to start screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeellllllllltttttinggg!!!!", or possibly making that squeaky, farty noise that helium balloons make when they develop a slow leak. I could watch this part of the video over and over.
Other highlights of this video include Kevin showing off how he retooled the engagement band he gave to Britney into a tacky-ass pinky ring, says that he only goes out partying when he's "beefing with the wife", treats the disinterested audience of Much on Demand (MuchMusic's "TRL") to a showcase of his "music," and talks about how much Britney believes in his talent and the notion that "together we take over the world"...all on the same day Britney's lawyers dropped off her petition for dissolution of marriage down at the courthouse.
Given the barrage of juicy divorce details forthcoming, I could care less about the Virginia and Montana Senate races. This shit is NOT going to be amicable, y'all, but it IS going to be fucking entertaining. And the betting window is OPEN if anyone wants to wager how long it will take FedEx to sign up for the next installment of "The Surreal Life" and/or "Dancing with the Stars."
Labels: Britney Spears, celebrities, comeuppance, Kevin Federline, LL Cool Jew
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Kevin Federlame sucks
Everyone has probably seen this by now, but I just had to put it up here because it is SO FUCKING LAME it almost defies belief. This is Kevin Federline's debut live performance at Sunday's Teen Choice Awards. Note a couple things:
1. Does Britney Spears EVER stop chewing gum? It's almost like she's trying to be a living caricature of herself. Who would have thought that the hottest piece of ass on the planet three years ago would now be less appealing than tweeker prostitutes in the trailer park down the street from my parents' house in Puyallup? She should have just embraced her resemblance to a character from Pink Flamingos and strolled out on stage eating Sonic chicken fingers and belched into the microphone to introduce her man.
2. All of Kevin's lyrics are gibberish about how he's into "rich livin' and fast cars." Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't you NOT brag about how much money you have when the entire world is of the opinion that you got said wealth by repeatedly impregnating the human equivalent of a greased sow? I mean, when Young Jeezy talks about chopping the top off his Lamborghini everybody rolls their eyes since he's probably worth 500 grand, tops, but at least he can attribute it to getting his grind on and earning it with some good old-fashioned elbow grease in the trap.
Anyway, without further ado:
1. Does Britney Spears EVER stop chewing gum? It's almost like she's trying to be a living caricature of herself. Who would have thought that the hottest piece of ass on the planet three years ago would now be less appealing than tweeker prostitutes in the trailer park down the street from my parents' house in Puyallup? She should have just embraced her resemblance to a character from Pink Flamingos and strolled out on stage eating Sonic chicken fingers and belched into the microphone to introduce her man.
2. All of Kevin's lyrics are gibberish about how he's into "rich livin' and fast cars." Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't you NOT brag about how much money you have when the entire world is of the opinion that you got said wealth by repeatedly impregnating the human equivalent of a greased sow? I mean, when Young Jeezy talks about chopping the top off his Lamborghini everybody rolls their eyes since he's probably worth 500 grand, tops, but at least he can attribute it to getting his grind on and earning it with some good old-fashioned elbow grease in the trap.
Anyway, without further ado:
Labels: assholes, Britney Spears, celebrities, Kevin Federline, PWT, rap
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