Sunday, November 30, 2008
50 Cent and Lil Wayne's Thanksgiving wishes
I decided to check my RAZZY.org email for the first time in like three weeks, and was pleased to see Thanksgiving wishes from Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, Christopher "Lloyd Banks" Lloyd, Marvin "Tony Yayo" Bernard, and the rest of the staff at thisis50.com, the official 50 Cent internets page of which I am a registered member. I signed up for thisis50.com so I could read the message boards, which one Razzyphile directed me to, describing them as "hilarious." The message boards involve a lot of arguing about whether or not The Game is a pussy, the sexually attractive aspects of various women, and whose mama has fellated who. Some folks in the forums also address larger issues such as the apocalypse ("the end of dayz...is it real?", "WAT IF JESUS WAS TO COME BACK RITE NOW...AND MURDERED ALL DESE RAPPERS???LYRICALLY!!!"), women's rights in the workplace ("WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT A CHICK THAT PUTS THAT WORK IN HARD LIKE A NIGGA?"), coastal educational and cultural disparities ("to all hataz of east coast rap pleaze and i mean pleaze go to school and complete it so u niggas can up grade yo mind. exspecailly some douth south catz im not sayn the south is wack") and current style trends in the world of urban fashion ("Why nigga's feel da need to wear tight shit?"). I am sure that all the G-g-g-g-unit's fans, despite their diverse interests and opinions, took a break from the debates raging on the thisis50.com forums to feel touched by Fitty's tender Thanksgiving greetings.
Well, it seems that warm Thanksgiving thoughts weren't shared by Curtis's colleagues to the south. New Orleanian Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter got together with his friend from Baton Rouge Torrence "Lil' Boosie" Hatch to perpetrate some mixtape hatery, which I immediately downloaded. I was surprised to hear the title track, "Louisianimal," was a diss on a gentleman the Lil's disparagingly refer to as "Two Quarters." On the basis of being "Lousianimals" these gentlemen proceed to unleash a barrage of promised thuggery. Lil' Wayne threatens to pour syrup in 50 Cent's signature grape-flavored "Formula 50" Vitamin Water, and threatens to sit around watching SportsCenter because his heart is even colder than his ice. He also insinuates he might just require the tattooing of yet another disingenuous teardrop representing yet another pretend murder victim, and promises to bisect 50 Cent, if he can ever get off his ass to demonstrate his more beastly Louisianimalian qualities.
I have no idea what 50 did to garner Weezy F Baby's ire, except maybe that he is helping his erstwhile collaborator Jeffrey "Ja Rule" Atkins perpetrate his infamous feud with my man Curtis. After all, in 2007 Tha Carter and Ja were both arrested on his-and-his gun charges after a concert in New York. Perhaps they vowed to fight each other's battles as they shared a cell at the Tombs. I don't really know what Lil' Wayne plans to do besides sit around drinking promethazine cough syrup to demonstrate his commitment to the wholesale destruction of 50 Cent. Certainly he's not doing anything with all those snakes and tarantulas and voodoo-ish whatnot on the mixtape artwork, unless Lil' Wayne defines voodoo as getting really, really, REALLY high and making a cameo in a LeBron James Nike commercial.
At least the 50 Cent apologists aren't letting this slide. When someone had the audacity to suggest that Lil' Wayne is talented and here to make fake beef with Fitty for years to come, a poster identified as G-Roc was quick to unleash his staunchly pro-Two Quarters opinion on the "undeducated" music lovers apparently fellating Lil' Wayne:
At least the 50 Cent apologists aren't letting this slide. When someone had the audacity to suggest that Lil' Wayne is talented and here to make fake beef with Fitty for years to come, a poster identified as G-Roc was quick to unleash his staunchly pro-Two Quarters opinion on the "undeducated" music lovers apparently fellating Lil' Wayne:
nigga shut ya bob marley bitch ass,lil wayne dick suckin ass up nigga, how many times i gotta tell ya bitch ass u a dick ridin mop head fuck, tight jeans wearin female ass nigga. how wayne dick taste nigga u suck dat shit too much fag, u dont da only nigga who dont know shit about hiphop dats why u comin in hear not knowing wat da fuck is goin in undeducated motherfucka, if u anit get no invatation i advise ur pussy mop head ass not to come in here bitch
I really hope that 50 Cent stops preparing holiday wishes for his website users and jumps into this himself, because I know he can do better than repeatedly calling Lil' Wayne and his fans "mop heads." 50 Cent and Lil' Wayne are two of my favorite rappers of all time, and nothing would give me greater pleasure than them releasing dueling diss tracks for the next five years. I can only imagine the aspersions Lil' Wayne will cast on 50's sexuality, and the insightful remarks about Lil' Wayne's tendency to make out and pose for homoerotic XXL covers with his adopted father Brian "Baby/Birdman" Williams, dressing in drag for album covers, and power bottom condom ads Fitty will make in return. At the very least, they can rag on each other's mugshots. Let the good time diss tracks roll.
Labels: 50 cent, celebrities, intentional buffoonery, Lil' Wayne, rap, vulgar display of faggotry
Friday, September 19, 2008
Please say the baby, NOT Talib Kweli
Yesterday when I was grousing about the Rock the Vote concert starring Talib Kweli and Solange (snicker), I almost immediately got the world's most easily predictable response:
WELL, HELLO THERE, GUY WHO LOOKS A LOT LIKE TALIB KWELI! It's nice to know that the search engines of the internets truly reflect Talib Kweli's most obnoxious consumer demographic. Too bad that one mere glance at the styling in this photo, from the tweed jacket-over-distressed hoodie-over-corduroy button-down to the unnecessary 1970s girl-nerd coke bottle glasses clutched in his well-manicured little paws makes me want to commence an orgy of murderous rage. I don't even have to listen to this whiny bitch open his PBR hole and start spewing "thoughtful" lyrics about society's woes to begin contemplating a homicidal spree throughout Williamsburg, DUMBO, and the Lower East Side.
I've been to a Talib Kweli concert, and the man is an amazing performer. I guess some people prefer the talentless styles of Lil Wayne and assorted other generic hip hop to talented flow and thoughtful lyrics. Talib Kweli is one of like two rappers working today that is worth a damn.Oh, really, Anonymous Rap Critic? Who's the other rapper working today who meets your lofty standards to qualify as "worth a damn?" I'm guessing you'll probably say Talib Kweli's butt buddy Mos Def. Know why? Because all you liberal arts-educated pseudointellectual hipster snobs are easier to predict than whether the sun will set in the fucking west this evening. Some fellow messenger bag-toting asshole brushed aside his asymmetrical bangs, readjusted his paper boy cap, and condescendingly gazed over the top of his Vice magazine through his boxy glasses to inform you at some point that listening to something like Lil' Wayne doesn't quite give you the same elitist cachet as listening to Talib Kweli bitch about the HIV epidemic or inherent racism in the justice system. Hipsters love Talib Kweli because of his "talented flow and thoughtful lyrics," which translates to "uses an occasional big word" and "raps about the news." Oh, and probably because some vintage shirt-wearing douchetard at New York Magazine probably told them that Talib Kweli is "socially conscious," which sounds to the average conformist vintage shirt-wearing douchetard like "trappings of intelligence." Talib Kweli has become so entrenched as the poster boy for hipster rap–oh, excuse me, I mean HIP-HOP–that guess whose picture popped up when I Googled "self-important hipster"????
So to calm down and prevent myself from doing anything I might regret (like violently claiming the lives of innocent hipsters), I'm going to just listen to something soothing. I'd rather listen to Jay "Young Jeezy" Jenkins, even though he thinks that shouting "jeah!," "daaaamn," "that's riiiiiiiight," or "let's get it!" constitutes "ad libbing." I'd rather listen to Todd "Too $hort" Shaw elevate misogyny to an art form. I'd rather listen to former corrections officer William "Rick Ross" Leonard make up outlandish fiction about his exploits as some kind of musically-inclined Floridian cocaine kingpin. I'd rather listen to Jose "Fat Joe" Cartagena make laughable claims about his sex life like "Lindsay Lohan...that's my O-jam." I'd rather listen to Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter say "unfuckinbelievable...Lil' Wayne's the president." That IS unfuckinbelievable, but it's also hilarious and thus entertaining. I'd rather hear Lil' Wayne jabbering about how he makes policewomen answer to "Mrs. Officer" and compels them to simulate sirens during intercourse "like a cop car." I like listening to music because it's ENTERTAINING, not because it makes me ponder all the problems of society, think deep, depressing thoughts, or feel intellectually superior because I only listen to HIP-HOP (not rap) that uses an occasional big word and has been called "socially conscious" by at least three different snotty critics. Talib Kweli and all his fans can lick my Lil' Wayne-listening twat.
Labels: assholes, Lil' Wayne, rap, retard rage, scathing indictments
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Mike Lowry had "so many bitches"?
As long as I'm on the subject of Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter and his ridiculousness today, I might as well bring up something that mystifies me almost as much as his fetish for female police officers making siren sounds during coitus. One of the many singles from the sublime Tha Carter III is a song called "A Milli." In the third verse of this jam, Lil' Wayne is talking about his success with the ladies, and he says, "I got so many bitches, I'm like Mike Lowry."
Mike Lowry? Did he really say "Mike Lowry"? As in the toady, bug-eyed Rodney Dangerfield-esque former Washington state Governor Mike Lowry? THAT Mike Lowry?
No, it can't be. While there may be something somewhat endearing about the way Mike Lowry joins fellow former Washington state Governor Gary Locke in laughing at a hilarious story being enacted by yet another former Washington state Governor Booth Gardner, I don't see him having sufficient charm to merit having "so many bitches" that it garners Tha Carter's admiration.
A quick internets search determined that Will Smith's character in the Bad Boys movies is named "Mike Lowrey." While I would actually prefer to hang out with a former governor of the great Evergreen State and Thornton Mellon doppelganger than Will Smith's annoying closet homo Scientologist ass, I do seem to recall something about "Mike Lowrey" being a womanizer in those particular Michael Bay orgies of explosions. When making such a comparison, I assume that Lil' Wayne is more likely to know the details about sluts from Bad Boys than elderly liberal governors from the P-N-Dub. Then again, Governor Mike Lowry chose not to run for a second gubernatorial term amidst a sexual harassment scandal in which he was accused of talking dirty to and fondling his deputy press secretary, so he did at least make a half-assed attempt at ho-running. Maybe Lil' Wayne is just showing respect to all the Mike Lowries who have flashed their player's cards at one point or another in their careers, and hoping to follow in their pussy-stacking footsteps.
Mike Lowry? Did he really say "Mike Lowry"? As in the toady, bug-eyed Rodney Dangerfield-esque former Washington state Governor Mike Lowry? THAT Mike Lowry?
Labels: Lil' Wayne, P-N-Dub, rap, ridiculous absurdity
Like a cop car
The other day, J-Sexy and I were IMing about this girl I was jocking, and I quoted Faheem "T-Pain" Najm's masterpiece "Buy You a Drank" with respect to my seduction strategy. This got our chat going off on a whole other tangent concerning Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter's masterpiece about cop-suspect sex, "Mrs. Officer."
Razzy: i'm totally wearing that gray and black dress
Razzy: like a straight up SLIZUT
J-Sexy: hahaha
J-Sexy: that is a great dress
J-Sexy: wear heels too
Razzy:: i'll buy her a drank
Razzy: maybe we'll be in the bed like ooo ooo ooo ooo
J-Sexy: we-o-we-o-we
Razzy: LOL
Razzy: LOL
Razzy: LOL
Razzy: like a cop car
J-Sexy: like a cop car
J-Sexy: jinx
Razzy:: all she want me to do is fuck the police
J-Sexy: i am actually lol-ling
Razzy: i am too!
J-Sexy: i like lil wayne
Razzy: me too
J-Sexy: he is super funny
Razzy: i just turned that song on
Razzy: what an awesome song
J-Sexy: it is so silly
J-Sexy: my god
J-Sexy: amazing
Razzy: lil wayne and kells both love to make their women make car noises
J-Sexy: it's so odd
Razzy: i have personally never simulated a vehicle in the throes of passion
Razzy: i certainly have never emulated a cop car
Razzy: although maybe i should
J-Sexy: i routinely make a honking noise
J-Sexy: the men love it
Razzy: are you serious???
J-Sexy: of course not!
J-Sexy: ewwww
Razzy: i am seriously LOLing hard
Razzy: imagining you honking at your boyfriend!
J-Sexy: that would be so retarded
Razzy: rodney king baby, beat it like a cop
Razzy: i think the next time i get laid
Razzy: i'm going to make some vehicular noises
J-Sexy: do it!!
J-Sexy: you have to
Razzy: and see how it goes over
Razzy: i'll do a kells/lil wayne medley
Razzy: we-o we-o wee
Razzy: toot toot beep beep
J-Sexy: haha
J-Sexy: man, if the dude doesn't know this kinda music he will think that you are nuts
Razzy: which will be even more hilarious
J-Sexy: but if he does, what a laugh!
J-Sexy: either way it will be hilarious
J-Sexy: toot toot
Razzy: beep beep
J-Sexy: i dare you to
Razzy: i'm going to!
The last time I got laid, I forgot to get automotive on the lucky fella's ass while we were getting down. However, the next time I get some action, I am definitely going to break out the literal car talk and see how that works out. I have to make sure the lights are on so I can see the other party's expression, which I only assume will be a combination of shock, confusion, and amusement. Then the person will probably be like, "Why the hell are you making a siren noise?" and I'll be like, "DUH, you're making my body sing like a cop car!" Unless, of course, due to some miracle of fate the next visitor to my boudoir is either R. Kelly or Lil' Wayne, in which case they'll probably congratulate themselves on a job well done.
Labels: hilarious shit, J-Sexy, Lil' Wayne, rap, ridiculous absurdity, Robert Sylvester Kelly
Friday, July 25, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Mrs. Officer
DOB: June 10, 2008
Occupation: making me laugh hysterically
Hometown: Hollygrove, New Orleans, Louisiana
Current residence: my iTunes
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Okay, so I'm hung over and can't really think of anything I am that excited about...except ONE thing: Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter! If you haven't illegally downloaded Tha Carter III yet, you are stupid, because it totally rules and has been on daily rotation on my iTunes. There is one song in particular that makes me seriously laugh out loud every time I hear it, a little tune known as "Mrs. Officer."
This song is a touching ode to the female police office who detains Weezy F. Baby and amazingly, doesn't arrest him. On the contrary, she has other things in mind. Specifically, according to Lil' Wayne, "all she want me to do is fuck the police." Now, while Tha Carter may describe himself as "the hottest hottest under the sun," I assume that refers to his flow and not his actual physical appearance. If I were a female member of New Orleans's finest, I'm not sure that I would be calling my sergeant and telling him I can't finish my shift because I was smitten with Lil' Wayne's seductive ways. I am, however, to let this slide, because "Mrs. Officer" is so awesome that I made it the ringer on my new teenager phone. And if you haven't been blessed with auditory exposure to this jam, consider this your lucky day:
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, I LOVE IT, Lil' Wayne, rap
Monday, June 16, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Lil' Wayne
DOB: September 27, 1982
Occupation: the hottest rapper in the game
Hometown: Hollygrove, New Orleans, Louisiana
Current residence: When not in jail, New Orleans, Louisiana
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I used to be very anti-Lil' Wayne, primarily because I was a Juvenile loyalist. LL Cool Jew was always trying to bump some Lil' Wayne and I'd bitch that Weezy wasn't all that. Besides, I was distracted by his latently homoerotic adventures (like makeout seshes with his adopted father Birdman, inherently gay XXL magazine covers, and leaked alternate album covers featuring his drag cosmetic skills). Not that I have a problem with Lil' Wayne possibly being gay, but I got so caught up speculating about this that I didn't pay as much attention as I should have to facts that Lil' Wayne himself has pointed out, for example, "I'm a god, and this is what I bless em with."
Well, over the past year, Lil' Wayne has really grown on me musically. LL Cool Jew and I were discussing this a while back, and I have to give her partial credit for bringing me around.
LL Cool Jew: "I don't do too many [drugs]. I just smoke weed and drink. But I'll never fuck with no more coke. It's not about the bad high; it's just about the acne: Cocaine makes your face break out. I'm a pretty boy."
LL Cool Jew:- Lil' Wayne tells New York magazine
Razzy: LOL
Razzy: quote of the day
LL Cool Jew: awesome
Razzy: i love lil wayne
Razzy: i'm oddly obsessed with him
Razzy: there's something really hilarious about him
LL Cool Jew: dude welcome to the club!
LL Cool Jew: member when you always used to hate on him
LL Cool Jew: i know you made the change yourself
Razzy: yes i did!
LL Cool Jew: but i have to take a tiny tiny tiny bit of credit
LL Cool Jew: i must
Razzy: of course
LL Cool Jew: i think perhaps my newly nolified lifestyle helped
Razzy: after hilarious mug shot after mug shot, i caved
LL Cool Jew: i'm pretty excited about it
Razzy: well i was always on "team juve"
LL Cool Jew: all that matters is that we are once again on the same team
LL Cool Jew: i love juve too
Razzy: in terms of my post-ca$h money allegiances
LL Cool Jew: shout out to the old cash money members
Razzy: but now i can't be bothered with their beef
Razzy: i love them both
LL Cool Jew: after all.
LL Cool Jew: it's irresistible!
Razzy: and i love how birdman makes that "cawing" sound in addition to his signature "brrrrr"!
LL Cool Jew: caw CAW
LL Cool Jew: it's sort of a rip on afroman's signature "ba-GOCK"
Razzy: totally
Razzy: but it's more the sound that a gull circling around would make
Razzy: as opposed to a cock strutting around the barnyard
When I was in New Orleans visiting LL Cool Jew last week, the "Lollipop" remix was constantly on the radio. In a testament to how awesome this song is, I didn't even detect the presence of the detestable Kanye West singing the first verse (thank you, "rapper ternt sanga" T-Pain, for making auto-tuner effects requisite in all contemporary rap music), and once I discovered that this is who is Lil' Weezy's collaborator, I am not even put off as I typically am by anything involving Kanye West. Even Kanye West can't ruin lines like "if that woman wanna cut, then call me Mr. Ointment" and "better wear a latex, because you don't want that late text, that 'I think I'm late' text." I only even barely rolled my eyes when Lil' Wayne proclaimed "no homo" at the beginning of the song. I made it my first order of business upon returning to New York to download the freshly dropped Tha Carter Vol. III and jam to it whenever possible.
Although I don't necessarily agree with Lil' Wayne that "he's so sweet" it will compel me to "lick the rapper," I have to cease and desist with any residual Lil' Wayne hating because Tha Carter Vol. III is the fucking shit and a half and I've seen the error of my ways. Lil' Wayne is hysterically funny and I advise you all to go make an appointment with Mr. I Can't Make an Appointment and illegally download it immediately. Just to demonstrate the awesomeness you can expect from a typical Tha Carter Vol. III jam, here is Lil' Wayne's collabo with none other than my second-favorite R&B thug in the world, the equally hilarious Faheem "T-Pain" Najm, singing something about getting money, showing it off to those hanging over the VIP line, and needing a Winn-Dixie grocery bag full of it.
I don't know why Lil' Wayne has girls' boyfriends' hating like a city cop, except for the fact that by own his admission, he "blow that shit, cause bitch, I'm the bomb like tick tick. Yeah!"
Labels: Birdman, Cash Money, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Dirrty Dirrty, I LOVE IT, Lil' Wayne, LL Cool Jew, rap
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
BS and Lil' Wayne better than Mardi Gras
I was going to visit my friend LL Cool Jew in New Orleans this year for Mardi Gras, but I had a thesis committee meeting that week and couldn't afford the inflated price of the ticket around the Crescent City's most famous holiday. Therefore, I decided to visit in early June instead. LL Cool Jew and I have been busily planning all the things we're going to do (nerd out on historical tours and, in the words of Too $hort, eating food like a motherfucking fat bitch), and yesterday she came up with yet another must-do for our agenda:
LL Cool Jew: ange?
Razzy: hey hon
Razzy: what up?
LL Cool Jew: i have to tell you something amazing
me: please do!
LL Cool Jew: there is a britney spears museum in kentwood
LL Cool Jew: we are going when you come.
Razzy: YES
Razzy: YES
Razzy: YES
Razzy: yES
Razzy: YES!
LL Cool Jew: actually, it is the kentwood historical and cultrual museum
LL Cool Jew: but it only has two exhibits
LL Cool Jew: 1) world war 2 veterans
LL Cool Jew: 2) britney spears
Razzy: and the legendary ms. britney spears
Razzy: YESSSSSSS!
LL Cool Jew: apparently they have a diorama of her childhood bedroom
Razzy: oh i can't wait!
Razzy: YES!
Razzy: i bet it's all pink
Razzy: blush and bashful
LL Cool Jew: the spearses actually gave items from britney's bedroom
LL Cool Jew: how freakshow and sick is that
Razzy: so fucking awesome
LL Cool Jew:oh yes dude
Razzy: i can't wait!
i mean, i couldn't wait already
LL Cool Jew: also there is a scale replica of the stage from her first tour
LL Cool Jew: complete with light show
Razzy: YES!
Razzy: can we dance on it?
LL Cool Jew: dude how are we going to do everything?
LL Cool Jew: we have to see teh britney spears museum
Razzy: i might have to bring some barbie hair to clip on for the occasion
Razzy: we MUST
Razzy: MUST
Razzy: MUST
LL Cool Jew: yes
LL Cool Jew: you are going to die when you see kentwood
LL Cool Jew: it is the trashiest nastiest town
Razzy: have you been?
Razzy: oh i can imagineLL Cool Jew: just driven through
Razzy: i'll probably feel right at home
Indeed, I am sure I will feel right at home in Kentwood. My hometown, after all, was featured on an episode of "My Big Redneck Wedding." Terms like "trashy" and "nasty" sound to me like "cozy" and "comfortable." Unlike Kentwood, however, Puyallup does have its own Wal-Mart. It has two of them, in fact.
LL Cool Jew: after making a wrong turn
LL Cool Jew: it doesn't even have a walmart dude
LL Cool Jew: that's why jamie lynn is going to mccomb mississippi all the time to buy her cases of dr. pepper
Razzy: jamie-lynn has to drive to the next town over to hit wal-mart with her baby daddy?
LL Cool Jew: shudder
Razzy: LOL
Razzy: and go to applebee's or TGIFridays for her b-day dinner
Razzy: too bad they don't do tours at "serenity"
Razzy: aka the Spears' "estate"
LL Cool Jew: well
LL Cool Jew: apparently at the BS museum they have Britney driving tours
Razzy: drive to serenity, then to the mccombs wal-mart, then to the sonic, then back to the BS museum?
LL Cool Jew: well we are DEFINITELY going to Sonic
LL Cool Jew: i always do
LL Cool Jew: they ain't got no Sonic in N.O.
LL Cool Jew: sadly
I know for a fact that Kentwood has a Sonic, because I have seen vintage paparazzi shots of Brit-Brit loading up on cheese dogs and peach-raspberry tea and chicken fingers or whatever the hell they have there. I have seen many Sonic commercials but I have yet to experience the culinary delights this fine establishment has to offer.
In addition to getting our Britney on, LL Cool Jew and I have another order of business to attend to during my visit: stalking my favorite Southern ass rappers. I've already demanded on several occasions to at least cruise by the Magnolia Projects in hopes of spying what Terius "Juvenile" Grey describes as "a player from the 'Nolia." The actual buildings Juvenile lived in are now abandoned, but LL Cool Jew is a good sport and has at least agreed to drive me by there. I've been getting stoked listening to New Orleans-based rappers. In this case, I was jamming to Birdman's 5-Star Stunna album.
Razzy: i'm listening to lil wayne right now!
Razzy: getting excited!
Razzy: ooooooooo can we stalk lil wayne?
LL Cool Jew: have you heard the new lollipop song?Razzy: oh yesRazzy: of courseLL Cool Jew: i don't know dude
LL Cool Jew: he scares me now
Razzy: why?
LL Cool Jew: i read this totally disturbing interview with him in XXL
Razzy: uh oh
LL Cool Jew: he is literally addicted to purple drank
LL Cool Jew: also
Razzy: well not shocked about that
LL Cool Jew: there was a story in the times-picayune recently
LL Cool Jew: about how he went back to his old middle school
LL Cool Jew: couldnt have gone back to his old high school because he did not go to high school
LL Cool Jew: and he was 30 minutes late
LL Cool Jew: and came to the school reeking of weed
LL Cool Jew: i mean, that is the school's bad for inviting him
Razzy: not shocked about that
LL Cool Jew: sure
LL Cool Jew: but at the same time
LL Cool Jew: he is like a feral animal
Razzy: well yes
Razzy: we can stalk at a safe distance
LL Cool Jew: i'll drive you by the magnolia projects
Razzy: i mean, i don't want to give him a reason to tattoo any more tears on himself
LL Cool Jew: as we've discussed
LL Cool Jew: in broad daylight
Razzy: of course
LL Cool Jew: where was lil wayne born?
Razzy: according to him, "Charity Hospital, AKA the City Zoo"
LL Cool Jew: yeah, i can drive you by there too
LL Cool Jew: it hasnt reopend since the storm
Razzy: is that where that doctor supposedly killed all those people?
LL Cool Jew:: exactly
Razzy: nice
Razzy: that makes sense that's where lil wayne came into the world
Razzy: per his wikipedia: "He was born Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr. and grew up in the Hollygrove neighborhood of New Orleans, Louisiana. Dwayne was in the gifted program at Lafayette Elementary School, and was in the drama club in middle school."
LL Cool Jew: hollygrove
LL Cool Jew: of course
Razzy: maybe he and i can bond about being in the "gifted program"...i was too!
LL Cool Jew: i've heard him namedrop hollygrove like 100 times in his jamz
Razzy: i wonder if he did mock city council in his gifted program like we did
Razzy: i'll leave out the part about how when we had to make large dioramas based on the book "The 21 Balloons"
The 21 Balloons was this book about this 19th-century fop inventor who winds up crash-landing his hot-air balloon on Krakatoa, only to discover that it's populated by a bunch of British expats running a bunch of creative ethnic restaurants. Ultimately this utopia is destroyed when Krakatoa catastrophically erupts. My gifted program spent an entire semester dissecting The 21 Balloons in the third grade.
LL Cool Jew: the perks of lil' wayne's gifted program probably included pencils
Razzy: some dumb ho (NOT ME) made an amusement park called "Krakatoa Kids Klub"
Razzy: AKA...KKK
Razzy: not joking
LL Cool Jew: head
LL Cool Jew: desk
LL Cool Jew: dude
Razzy: i questioned her inclusion into the gifted program after that
Razzy: what a dumb slag
Razzy: well, if i run info weezy f baby
Razzy: i'll ask him about his gifted program experiences
LL Cool Jew: (please say the baby)
Razzy: lol
Razzy: lol
Razzy: i'm totz listening to lil' wayne right now
Needless to say, when we're not touring the plantation on which Twelve Oaks from Gone With the Wind was based, eating various cajun-spiced invertebrates, and ogling swamp rats and gators while some guy named Butch Guchereaux (not kidding) shows us around the bayous, we're going to be enjoying the finest pop culture offerings Louisiana has to offer, bumping "Gimme More" and making that brrrrrr! sound that Birdman makes.
Labels: Britney Spears, Dirrty Dirrty, I LOVE IT, Lil' Wayne, LL Cool Jew
Friday, April 18, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Akon
Name: Aliuane Badara Thiam
DOB: April 30, 1973
Occupation: R&B singer, record producer, big old phony
Hometown: Dakar, Senegal
Current residence: Atlanta, Georgia
Douchebaggery: I never spent much time thinking about whether Akon's claims of being imprisoned for various crimes ranging from operating a car theft ring to illegal weapons possession to drug dealing were true. Akon has a nice voice and he sounds sweet when he sings "I wanna fuck you." I also figure that with a few exceptions, most of the dudes in R&B and hip-hop are embellishing a little when it comes to their criminal resumés. For example, when I hear R. Kelly singing the hook for Young Jeezy's "Go Getta," I don't believe for a second that Kells is"trapping all day." Robert Sylvester Kelly may be a R&B thug, but he's not taking a break from blessing the world with his mackadelic nightspot realness to sling crack on the street corner. And I believe Lil' Wayne a lot more when he says things like "hoes kiss the dick with no mistletoes" over "I put 'em in ya head and watch the holes bleed." In spite of his claims to the contrary, I don't think anyone actually believes that his tattooed teardrops represent three different lives that he's personally taken via homicidal means. The only crimes he's committed are the ones he's routinely arrested for: rolling around with pounds of weed (literally), smoking the same in public, and enough Vicodin to supply every prescription pill-popper on "Intervention" for life.
Akon, however, has apparently been doing a lot of talking about how critical his past record of illustrious criminal exploits have directly influenced his music. He even named his record label "Konvict" to demonstrate how critical his felonious history is to his art. A recent investigation by The Smoking Gun, however, raises some issues about Akon's personal credibility. As the author of the piece notes regarding his most recent album Konvicted, "Kontrived may have been a more accurate choice."
It seems Akon has made all sorts of claims in interviews, from being the "ringleader of a notorious car theft operation" specializing in exotic luxury vehicles to being a "champion" of prison fighting while doing a three-year sentence to "facing 75 years." With the exception of a solitary reporter at the Washington Post, the media largely accepted Akon's criminal autobiography as fact until The Smoking Gun did some fact-checking and declared Akon "James Frey with catchy hooks and an American Music Award."
In reality, Akon has only one felony conviction to his name (for gun possession), and apart from several months spent in the DeKalb jail for a stolen car charge he ended up getting three years probation for, he hasn't done any time. In fact, he conceived his son in the middle of his supposed term.
Akon has gone above and beyond to make himself seem like some kind of don of the urban underworld. Much like Vanilla Ice before him who made claims of being stabbed in the ass during a gang altercation, Akon presumably felt that this would enhance his marketability. He should have paid more attention to what happened to Vanilla Ice. The false claims of being grievously injured during a gang turf war were the nail in that idiot's coffin. Granted, Akon has produced far more in terms of hits than Vanilla Ice, but considering his outlandish fabrication of being a hardened criminal and maximum security prison veteran, I wonder how well his next album, Acquitted, will fare now that he's been outed as a total fake. Now nobody will ever be able to listen to lyrics like "you know my pedigree, street dealer used to move 'phetamines" without a sarcastic eye-roll. Then again, if nobody cares and Acquitted sells well, maybe I should think about marketing myself this way.
Here's my real autobiography:
I was born November 17, 1978 in Tacoma, Washington and raised in nearby Puyallup, in a house down the street from a trailer park and a mobile home dealership. I attended private Catholic school for twelve years. During this time my hobbies included writing, playing classical piano, and editing the school paper and literary magazine. I received a bachelor's degree in biological sciences from Smith College in 2000. I worked for a small biotechnology company in Seattle for three years and drove a '94 Honda Civic. I was then accepted into a Ph.D program at Columbia University, received two masters degrees, and expect to earn my doctorate in late 2008 or early 2009. I love dogs, beer, sex, and football. I have received only one criminal citation in my life (a misdemeanor "possession of drug paraphernalia" charge in South Dakota for having a pipe and half a joint in my car during a cross-country trek that amounted to no arrest and a fine of $250).
Here's my Akon autobiography:
I was born in 1985 in Tacoma and raised in a vile trailer park in Puyallup, where I began selling illegal firearms at a young age to my equally criminal neighbors. My aptitude in science led to a productive career in clandestine methamphetamine production, so I dropped out of school to pursue riches via the only option available: mastery of the drug trade. My shit was known as the purest tweak in all of Pierce County. After dominating the local market for meth and stunting around town in a stolen Mercedes MacLaren purchased at Akon's infamous chop shop, I set my sights higher. I expanded my portfolio of services to include illegal gun trafficking, money laundering, and interstate transportation of large quantities of marijuana. This backfired after an arrest in South Dakota landed me in maximum security federal prison for five years. While in prison, I was the head dyke in charge and quickly took control of the black market cigarette trade via my ability to beat everyone mercilessly. Upon my release, I migrated east to make a national name for myself amongst the heavy-hitting underground crime syndicates. In New York, I managed to use my prowess in the lab to sell black market illegal poliovirus and rhinovirus to terrorist and mercenary groups. I also began peddling illegal pornography, set up a bootlegging operation, and set up a combination pimping and dogfighting business catering to Michael Vick, Pac Man Jones, Tank Johnson, Ray Lewis, and some of the NFL's most notorious criminals. Today, I am considered a super-don and have several major crime families answering to me. I expect that soon I will be the world's most powerful criminal. And don't fuck with me, because I'm always walking around totally strapped.
Yeah, that's believable. I bet I'm about to get a lot more blog traffic now that I've decided to start marketing myself as a hardened felon with a lengthy rap sheet rather than an upwardly mobile science nerd with a Chopin fetish and a lot of letters bestowed by fancy schools that I can put after my name.
Labels: celebrities, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, intentional buffoonery, Lil' Wayne, overcompensation, rap, retard rage, ridiculous absurdity, Robert Sylvester Kelly, Young Jeezy
Monday, March 10, 2008
Go down strapped
Lil' Wayne has done it again: he has come up with a classic photo for the "Say Something Nice" file. Surprisingly, this time it isn't a mugshot. Not surprisingly, it's more homoerotic than the milk bath scene in Spartacus. It seems Lil' Wayne has decided to extend his merchandizing empire to condoms. There is a niche market for scrawny pot-smoking thugs who like to get together with their fake adopted fathers for a brisk game of (wink, wink) poker, and Tha Carter is tapping it like Birdman does his ass:
This isn't doing much to help the case that Lil' Wayne is a virile heterosexual, although it does provide some insight as to why he seems to be so fond of getting arrested. First he gets warmed up being manhandled by a grimacing Perez Hilton-looking cop, followed by some hot flesh-shanking with the boys in the pokey. I'm glad he's conscious (right down to his little red AIDS ribbon) of making sure said boys don't spread their HIV around to the entire cellblock. Smart thinking, Weezy Fuckin' Baby.
[RAZZY Note: Thanks to Razzyphile HotCzech for passing this along. Happy Razzyphile Appreciation Month! XOBJBS.]
Labels: Birdman, hilarious shit, Lil' Wayne, Razzyphiles, sex, vulgar display of faggotry
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Lil' Wayne returns to the pokey
Yet again, Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter has run afoul of the law. Just several short months after his last bust for possession of guns and/or drugs, his tour bus was cruising through Arizona when he was stopped at a Border Patrol checkpoint. The dogs sniffed what turned out to be a quarter pound of weed (just a QP? That's probably like two days' supply for Tha Carter...he smokes a LOT), an ounce of cocaine (Young Jeezy's tip of keeping one's "o's rolled up in duct tape with some dirty ass clothes" doesn't fool the canine units), 41 grams of ecstasy (I guess Weezy Fuckin' Baby and Baby like to roll when they have "poker night" over at Cash Money Records), and a variety of paraphernalia (presumably rolled-up dollar bills and Lil' Wayne's glass three-footer). Needless to say, those haters arrested him. The Carter will have his day in court to determine if he's going to face charges tomorrow. In the meantime, we have yet another priceless Lil' Wayne mugshot to enjoy!
Lil' Wayne should seriously consider releasing a coffee table book of his mugshots, because he has a lot of them and they are all works of art. He always mastered assuming an expression of placid dourness. Somehow he manages to say, "well, this right here is some bullshit" while maintaining a stoic, dazed dignity. I think someone's been listening to Tyra dispense advice on "smiling with his eyes" on "America's Next Top Model!" Weezy is truly a deep soul. I always learn something new about Lil' Wayne from every shoot with a police photographer. For example, I never noticed that fleur-de-lis tat on his cheek, but it makes sense, as he is a player from the 'Nolia.
I also offer my congratulations on yet another illustrious achievement for Wayne's CV. Way to keep that rap sheet active and popping, dude! Mad props.
I also offer my congratulations on yet another illustrious achievement for Wayne's CV. Way to keep that rap sheet active and popping, dude! Mad props.
Labels: crime and punishment, drugs, hot dudes, Lil' Wayne
Friday, November 30, 2007
The wit and wisdom of Lil' Wayne
A site that LL Cool Jew got me reading, Bossip.com, has some choice quotes from Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter's interview with Complex magazine. The cover of the magazine itself has a choice quote ("I'm a Martian, and if you understand me, then you're Jesus") that seems to answer the question asked by the cover: Is Lil' Wayne crazy?
The answer would seem to be yes, especially when reading some of the other sound bites Weezy Fuckin' Baby spouts in the article. For starters, his conversations with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. about how to handle beef personally:
Then again, has Lil' Wayne actually killed anyone? I don't know anyone he has issues with besides the dudes who defected from Cash Money ages ago, and last time anyone checked, Terius "Juvenile" Gray was still eating fish and shrimp po' boys while checking out the finest corpulent asses strolling by on St. James. Who is that teardrop for if not the enemy that Martin Luther King condones him offing?
Also, I know Dr. King also didn't make any mention of how being arrested multiple times for possession of weed and/or enough vicodin to knock out an army and being one's adopted father's (a pigeon-call spouting cocaine dealer prior to taking the helm of Cash Money records) down-low sloppy bottom fits into his dream of a harmonious society, but I guess we can thank Lil' Wayne, fresh off planet Mars, for his brilliant modern interpretation of Dr. King's civil rights goals. Tha Carter continues to serve mankind most admirably, and this I understand. Does that now make me Jesus?
You’d expect me to pay somebody to do it? You supposed to be able to do anything in this world. That’s what Martin Luther King told me. He ain’t never put a specific on what to [do]. He said you can do anything. "Kill" falls under that.Ah, yes, Tha Carter is surely living in a nation where he is judged not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character. I'm sure that if he hadn't been murdered himself, MLK would surely suggest that Lil' Wayne's tattoo teardrops were representative of how the civil rights movement has achieved its goals. Lucky for Lil' Wayne there wasn't a specific clause against murdering those who talk shit about you in their rap songs in the "I Have a Dream" speech, because the lack therof has allowed Weezy to do his part to ensure the realization of Dr. King's dream.
Then again, has Lil' Wayne actually killed anyone? I don't know anyone he has issues with besides the dudes who defected from Cash Money ages ago, and last time anyone checked, Terius "Juvenile" Gray was still eating fish and shrimp po' boys while checking out the finest corpulent asses strolling by on St. James. Who is that teardrop for if not the enemy that Martin Luther King condones him offing?
Also, I know Dr. King also didn't make any mention of how being arrested multiple times for possession of weed and/or enough vicodin to knock out an army and being one's adopted father's (a pigeon-call spouting cocaine dealer prior to taking the helm of Cash Money records) down-low sloppy bottom fits into his dream of a harmonious society, but I guess we can thank Lil' Wayne, fresh off planet Mars, for his brilliant modern interpretation of Dr. King's civil rights goals. Tha Carter continues to serve mankind most admirably, and this I understand. Does that now make me Jesus?
Labels: Birdman, crazies, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hilarous shit, Lil' Wayne, ridiculous absurdity
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Not the best strategy for quelling those pesky gay rumors
I assumed the reason for the delay in releasing Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter's latest album had something to do with his epic criminal record. It seems like every day I'm getting a text from Morrissey'sHair, who for whatever reason is my primary source of Lil' Wayne-related tips, about Weezy F Baby running afoul of the law yet again, usually for either possessing weed and/or Vicodin and/or illegal firearms, or violation of probation for one of the aforementioned outstanding charges. I figured that he was spending so much time in jail and court and his lawyers' offices in various states that he didn't have time to get in the studio and finish laying down all the tracks for Tha Carter: Volume III.
I guess he finally got around to it, because the proposed cover is being leaked on the internets, and all I have to say is...whoa. I've had some questions about Lil' Wayne's sexuality in the past, particularly regarding his relationship with his adopted "daddy" Brian "Baby/Birdman" Williams, based on homoerotic XXL magazine covers and candid photos of them making out. This is not doing a damn thing to dispel my suspicions that Lil' Wayne knows his way around a boys' poker night:
I'm glad Tha Carter is experimenting with his look a little, but if he keeps up this gender bending stuff, people are going to suspect that he is indeed what he once characterized in "Go DJ" as "them homo niggas gettin' AIDS in the ass." I'm not sure why he fears God, unless he's concerned that Fred Phelps is right and God hates fags. In any event, I'm not sure the right way to cope with one's fear of God is to get one's Foxy Brown drag face on. I do know one thing for sure, though...I am SO buying Tha Carter: Volume III, if only to listen for hints about the special relationship Tha Carter shares with Birdman. I imagine Lil' Wayne gets his face made up all purty and Birdman makes those "brrrrrr" pigeon noises to get each other in the mood, and I hope there are some oblique references to this on his new album. Weezy Fuckin' Baby, indeed.
I guess he finally got around to it, because the proposed cover is being leaked on the internets, and all I have to say is...whoa. I've had some questions about Lil' Wayne's sexuality in the past, particularly regarding his relationship with his adopted "daddy" Brian "Baby/Birdman" Williams, based on homoerotic XXL magazine covers and candid photos of them making out. This is not doing a damn thing to dispel my suspicions that Lil' Wayne knows his way around a boys' poker night:
Labels: hilarious shit, intentional buffoonery, Lil' Wayne, Morrissey'sHair, rap, vulgar display of faggotry
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Party in the Ada County Jail men's room!
Just because Morrissey'sHair is on the bankruptcy hustle doesn't mean he isn't keeping track of breaking news in his brother HotLawyer's field of criminal law. Yesterday I received the following news alert via text message from Morrissey'sHair:
Tha Carter arrested in Idaho!
In case you don't know who "Tha Carter" refers to, it is this fine gentleman, Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter, alias Weezy F Baby, Cash Money rapper, adopted son of Birdman/Baby, and frequent guest of the state:
Man, Lil' Wayne gives some great mugshot. He always seems so nonplussed, and I've seen enough of his mugshots to know that at this point, a night in the pokey really ain't no thang to him. He gets arrested on a near-weekly basis, usually for combo drug and gun charges. In this case, he was arrested on a felony fugitive charge related to a 2006 arrest for possessing marijuana and over 100 Xanax and Vicodin pills. His fondness for those controlled substances certainly suggests a compelling explanation for his perpetually calm demeanor.
I also like this mugshot because you can see his face tattoos up close. His teardrops always crack me up, because EVERYONE knows Lil' Wayne hasn't killed three people. In fact, the last time anyone checked on his three known enemies, Terius "Juvenile" Gray, Byron "Mannie Fresh" Thomas, and Christopher "B.G." Dorsey, they were alive, well, and growing ever more corpulent on a seemingly endless supply of fish and shrimp po' boys. And what is that thing between his eyebrows? It looks either like an electron micrograph of an Ebola virion or a sketch of a dick-and-nuts. Given that I have questioned in the past whether or not his assertion that he is "stuntin' like his daddy" Birdman refers to some type of homosexual relationship based on homoerotic XXL magazine covers and photographic evidence of them making out, I wouldn't be surprised if it were the latter.
I thought that Idaho, a state known previously for its white supremacist survivalists and potatoes, would never be known as the place for closeted dudes to be getting their cruisy freak on. However, I can only imagine what transpired when Senator Larry Craig went to visit Weezy F Baby in the Ada County lockup after his induction into the Idahoan Hall of Fame. You know there was some hardcore foot-tapping and soap dropping going on. It may seem like an unlikely pairing, but if there's anything this conservative Republican senator and this player from the 'Nolia have in common, it's a secret desire for other men and a sense of ease behind bars. There's nothing that can bring two fellas from opposite walks of life together like a game of slammer soggy crackers in the cozy comfort of a county jail shower room.
P.S. to all you people who keep arguing with me about Tha Carter's sexual orientation: I'm not backing down on this one. I know gay when I see it, and concerning his alleged relationship with Da Baddest Bitch Trina...she's a classic beard. That's my story and I'm sticking to it like Lil' Wayne's dick to Senator Craig's ass.
Tha Carter arrested in Idaho!
In case you don't know who "Tha Carter" refers to, it is this fine gentleman, Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter, alias Weezy F Baby, Cash Money rapper, adopted son of Birdman/Baby, and frequent guest of the state:
Man, Lil' Wayne gives some great mugshot. He always seems so nonplussed, and I've seen enough of his mugshots to know that at this point, a night in the pokey really ain't no thang to him. He gets arrested on a near-weekly basis, usually for combo drug and gun charges. In this case, he was arrested on a felony fugitive charge related to a 2006 arrest for possessing marijuana and over 100 Xanax and Vicodin pills. His fondness for those controlled substances certainly suggests a compelling explanation for his perpetually calm demeanor.
I also like this mugshot because you can see his face tattoos up close. His teardrops always crack me up, because EVERYONE knows Lil' Wayne hasn't killed three people. In fact, the last time anyone checked on his three known enemies, Terius "Juvenile" Gray, Byron "Mannie Fresh" Thomas, and Christopher "B.G." Dorsey, they were alive, well, and growing ever more corpulent on a seemingly endless supply of fish and shrimp po' boys. And what is that thing between his eyebrows? It looks either like an electron micrograph of an Ebola virion or a sketch of a dick-and-nuts. Given that I have questioned in the past whether or not his assertion that he is "stuntin' like his daddy" Birdman refers to some type of homosexual relationship based on homoerotic XXL magazine covers and photographic evidence of them making out, I wouldn't be surprised if it were the latter.
I thought that Idaho, a state known previously for its white supremacist survivalists and potatoes, would never be known as the place for closeted dudes to be getting their cruisy freak on. However, I can only imagine what transpired when Senator Larry Craig went to visit Weezy F Baby in the Ada County lockup after his induction into the Idahoan Hall of Fame. You know there was some hardcore foot-tapping and soap dropping going on. It may seem like an unlikely pairing, but if there's anything this conservative Republican senator and this player from the 'Nolia have in common, it's a secret desire for other men and a sense of ease behind bars. There's nothing that can bring two fellas from opposite walks of life together like a game of slammer soggy crackers in the cozy comfort of a county jail shower room.
P.S. to all you people who keep arguing with me about Tha Carter's sexual orientation: I'm not backing down on this one. I know gay when I see it, and concerning his alleged relationship with Da Baddest Bitch Trina...she's a classic beard. That's my story and I'm sticking to it like Lil' Wayne's dick to Senator Craig's ass.
Labels: Cash Money, crime and punishment, Lil' Wayne, Morrissey'sHair, rap, vulgar display of faggotry
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