Friday, July 18, 2008
Richie Sexson goes where all former Mariners go
As a Seattle sports fan, I'm accustomed to our teams sucking. The Seahawks spent virtually all of my childhood stinking up the Kingdome. The Sonics are taking a legacy of loss to Oklahoma City, although on the bright side they are the sole Seattle team to have won a league championship...when I was an infant in 1979. Despite the fact that at the time most of my attention was devoted to breastfeeding and shitting in my diapers, I know all about the Sonics historic championship season because my mother was considering naming me "Freddie Brown" due to my propensity for jumping around her uterus during the 1978 season in which I was gestating and the Sonics lost the championship to the Washington Bullets. And the Mariners have had one year after another in which they either suck righteously or win enough to get everybody all excited, only to get unceremoniously knocked out of the postseason, usually by the goddamned sonofabitchbastard New York Yankees. Seattle should consider adding "soul-crushing sports teams" to its roster of famous exports like Windows software, Weyerhauser timber, and Starbucks coffee.
This year, the Mariners take the prize for the P-N-Dub's most disgraceful team. The Seahawks had a great draft and I have high hopes that they'll continue to beat the piss out of the rest of the shitshow known as the NFC West this fall. The Sonics are gone. That leaves the Mariners, who are without question the worst team in baseball, which I attribute to karmic reward for their hating on hot lesbian makeout sessions at Safeco Field. They can't hit, can't pitch, and can't win games under any circumstances. Somebody needs to make a cardboard cutout of the team owner and take off a piece of clothing every time they win a game or SOMETHING to motivate them. Well, actually, I doubt that any of the Mariners staff wants to see the CEO of Nintendo naked, but that worked in Major League and at this point anything is worth a try because they suck harder than me after ten scotches in a bar bathroom with a willing honey.
Since the M's don't have a diabolical yet potentially hot naked owner who actually wants them to lose and they don't have Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, Jake Taylor, Pedro Cerrano, Roger Dorn, or Willie Mays Hayes on their roster, they are trying a different strategy to save their team: trimming the fucking fat. That means getting rid of the overpaid and grossly underperforming marquis players we signed with great fanfare just two short seasons ago, specifically Richie Sexson.
I'm a little disappointed by this because Richie Sexson is 6'8" tall, I get the feeling he's hung like a brontosaurus, and he looks like the type who could fuck my freckles off. Seriously, check out his pants in the above photo...even when dejected due to yet another strikeout, it literally looks like he has a tail tucked between his legs. However, if I think with my head rather than my vagina, he shouldn't let the door hit his bitch ass on the way out. The Mariners signed Sexson to a contract worth $50 million and he's played like he's making the league minimum. The past two years, he's been batting squarely around .200 with like negative fifteen RBIs and a paltry handful of home runs. I can hardly blame the M's management for trying to cut their losses. However, what annoys the hell out of me is the fact that Richie Sexson is going where Gay Rod, Randy Johnson, John Olerud, Tino Martinez, and all departing Mariners always end up: THE FUCKING NEW YORK YANKEES!
Sexson deserves to go play for Satan's own baseball team given his piss-poor performance. However, I hate the fact that the Mariners are practically a farm team for the fucking Yankees. Why do all of our players, no matter how good or bad, depart and (excepting Alex Rodriguez's brief layover in Texas) go straight to the goddamned Bronx? I can only hope that Sexson's slump gets even worse as he dons the pinstripes of the damned and he causes them to plummet to the dregs of the AL East. Or, barring that, Sexson just contributes to the perennial dearth of offense come playoff time the Yankees have experienced the past few postseasons. That's the silver lining I was looking for.
Labels: fuck the Yankees, Mariners, P-N-Dub, ranting, scathing indictments, sportsmen
Friday, June 06, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Safeco Field staff
DOB: July 15, 1999
Occupation: homophobic, civil rights-infringing assholes
Hometown: Seattle, Washington
Current residence: Seattle, Washington
Douchebaggery: Yesterday, CorporateCard shot me an e-mail with a link to this news story about a couple of hot lezzies who got busted by ushers at Safeco Field for making out during a Mariners game. Apparently, people seated nearby didn't like them smooching over Safeco's famous (and fucking delicious) garlic fries, and didn't want to have to explain to their children why two women were kissing (my explanation would be "because they're awesome"), so the ushers told them that they'd have to leave if they didn't keep it platonic. Apart from the squashing of hot girl-on-girl being further evidence supporting my theory that children totally suck, this is bullshit, but it's par for the course when it comes to Safeco Field.
As a native of the glorious P-N-Dub, I have watched the Mariners lose at Safeco many, many, many times. Safeco is a beautiful ballpark, and catching a game there is one of the best things about being in Seattle during the few months that the skies aren't consistently overcast. As I mentioned before, the garlic fries are awesome, as is the icy cold Rainier Beer (AKA "Vitamin R") on tap, as is the view of downtown Seattle, the Olympic Mountains, and the Puget Sound. However, the ushers at Safeco have perennially been famous for their prudish fascism since the Safe opened its doors. I remember in the first couple years after Safeco's opening, some genius Mariners fans decided to start wearing shirts that said "YANKEES SUCK" on them. I think almost everyone in the world who isn't among the hateful legions of Satan worshipers AKA Yankees fans) not only appreciates this sentiment, but agrees with it wholeheartedly. However, Safeco's lame usher staff spotted these shirts, claimed they were "offensive," and made everyone wearing one either take it off, turn it inside out, or get the fuck out of the stadium. At the time of the "Yankees Suck" controversy, I remember being disgusted with what I marked as typical Seattle bullshit. Only in politically-correct Seattle is "suck" considered a vulgarity (and again, when "suck" is paired with the word "Yankees," I consider that phrase a sacred utterance), and only in Seattle is wearing a shirt that's considered not nice by some an ejectable offense. Trust that you could probably walk into Yankee Stadium wearing a hat with a flashing neon sign that says "FUCK THOSE ASSHOLE (insert name of team playing Yankees here)!" and get a damn seating upgrade. I mean, Alex Rodriguez's wife wore a wife beater that said "FUCK YOU" on the back to Yankee Stadium, for God's sake! In Seattle, you'd probably be jailed for those kind of foul-mouthed shenanigans.
After a massive public outcry, Safeco Field officials finally conceded that "Yankees Suck" shirts weren't the end of the world, and without much fanfare stopped their dedicated campaign to stifle anti-(sonofabitchbastard) Yankees sentiment among Mariner fans. However, the ushers at Safeco continue to be totally lame. One time I went to a Mariners game with a bunch of my colleagues at the company I used to work at in Seattle. Being a group of highly professional, unbelievably classy science nerds, we smuggled in a flask of booze to augment our overpriced Vitamin Rs. At some point around the 6th inning, an usher caught us passing it around and confiscated it.
"You can't take our private property!" I hissed at the usher, who was approximately 97 years old. "What the fuck are you going to do if we don't hand it over?"
"Call the police," he replied. We handed it over.
"That's a treasured possession!" protested the flask's owner. "I insist that I get it back after the game! You aren't entitled to keep it!"
"Inquire at the security office after the game," said the usher.
The flask's owner and I drunkenly marched to the security office after the game and demanded the flask back. The security guy was a total dick, and he got out the flask. "Oh, you mean this flask?" he asked.
"Yes," we said. "Return it immediately."
"Well, sorry, I can't," he said, taunting us with it. "You see, it has alcohol in it, and we are obligated not to release any alcoholic substances."
In a move of drunken ballsiness that I probably would never in a million years contemplate doing sober, I snatched it from him and poured out the remaining three swigs of booze in it on the security office floor. I handed it back to him.
"Problem solved," I said. "Now give it back to us. It has sentimental value, and you have no right to confiscate it permanently."
The security guy made some threats about how we had better behave properly at future Mariners games, but gave us the flask. We went to a bar to drink more with our other colleagues/drunks to celebrate our victory over the nefarious Safeco Field gestapo.
Hearing now that Safeco Field's staff is cracking down on hot chicks kissing is hardly surprising. It merely continues the tradition of intolerant lameness that has become the standard. Compounding the ass-suckery that is par for the course at Safeco, management is defending their decision to hate on horny dykes as a response to their behavior, not their sexual orientation. Supposedly, they were kissing, groping, and fondling, which is as gross a violation of Safeco's "family friendly" policy as a "Yankees Suck" t-shirt. I would argue that since the complaining lesbian was a contestant on "A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila," kissing, groping, and fondling come to her as naturally as breathing. These are civil rights which Safeco Field has no right to cruelly infringe upon. Besides, the Mariners are as usual underperforming enough to be sitting squarely in last place in the AL West, so it would be nice to be distracted from Felix Hernandez giving up 4 runs to the Red Sox and blowing the game in the 8th inning by some girls getting sexy. Let the lesbians get it on at Mariners games without worrying about whether or not it will confuse idiot children, you homophobic, hating bastards at Safeco Field!
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, destroy all children, fuck the Yankees, hot chicks, lezbollah, Mariners, P-N-Dub, retard rage, scathing indictments, sluts
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Ichiro Suzuki
DOB: October 22, 1973
Occupation: Right fielder, Seattle Mariners
Hometown: Toyoyama, Nishikasugai, Aichi Prefecture, Japan
Current residence: Seattle, Washington
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Apart from the fact that I'm insanely attracted to any man in a Mariners uniform, Ichiro is such a fucking badass it's not even funny. This season he's batting almost .400, and broke team and American League records for consecutive stolen bases. Currently the Seattle press is reporting that Ichiro just signed a five-year, $100 million contract extension with the M's, which is an obscene contract of almost Yankee-esque proportions, although well deserved.
The other night, I was working late when I got a picture mail message from LL Cool Jew, who is currently in San Francisco visiting her mother. It was a shot of AT&T Park and was accompanied by the message, "I'm at the All Star Game...Ichiro is up to bat!" She knows my deep love for the Mariners and my equally deep, eternal hatred of all things Yankee and so did not send me "A-Rod is up to bat!" or "Jeter is up to bat!" Well, I'm surprised she didn't send another picture of the crowd going absolutely fucking crazy, because right after that, Ichiro hit the first All Star Game inside-the-park home run in MLB history.
I've now realized that I'll pretty much bang any dude who plays right field, all the way from Reggie "I Must Kill. The Queen." Jackson to Vlad "The Impaler" Guerrero to Ichiro Suzuki. When I played softball, I often played right field when I wasn't playing my usual position at second base. This is because balls hardly ever get hit to right field due to the dearth of left-handed batters in slow pitch, and because I'm notoriously bad at fielding fly balls. I can take a grounder's bad hop to the face and be fine enough to still throw the ball to the first baseman for the out, but if a fly is hit to me, I'll run around squinting up at the sky, waving my mitt around in the air, only to have the ball plop to the ground a good five feet behind me. I think I love right fielders because I suck so monumentally at that position, and therefore admire anyone who kicks ass at it. Which Ichiro definitely does. Here's to five more awesome years of Ichiro in his sexy Mariners uniform!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot dudes, Mariners, sportsmen
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Vladimir Guerrero
Nicknames: Vlad the Impaler, Miqueas
DOB: February 9, 1976
Occupation: Right fielder, Anaheim Angels
Hometown: Don Gregorio, Nizao, Dominican Republic
Current Residence: Anaheim Hills, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Vlad won last night's MLB home run derby with the longest shot of the night. I'm down for dudes who can swing the long ball and who are known for their aggressive approach to hitting. I'd help polish his bats any old time he requested it.
Also, his name is VLADIMIR GUERRERO, which may be the hottest baseball player name ever. It's certainly the most awesome. It reminds me of the time my buddy FalloniusMonk hired a personal trainer named Johann Gomez. There's something really catchy about juxtaposing a super Bavarian or eastern European name with a caliente Latin one. Also, it enables possibly the best baseball nickname ever: Vlad the Impaler. Even Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn would be nervous about throwing his heater at a player with a nickname like that.
I've always had a thing for Angels right fielders. Remember that part in The Naked Gun where the Angels are playing the Mariners, and Reggie Jackson gets hypnotized by the evil Ricardo "Vincent Ludwig" Montalban to kill Queen Elizabeth II? "I must kill...the queen. I must kill...the queen." It's not like Reggie Jackson was so fine or anything, but every time I think of that I start chuckling, because that movie is my dad's all-time favorite (well, along with the original Longest Yard and Blame It on Rio). I've thus seen it a million times, and it's given me a lifelong affection for any man playing right field with that cherubic ball club.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot dudes, Mariners, movies, sportsmen
Monday, October 16, 2006
A recent dream ALMOST comes true. Almost.
When discussing the death of Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle making like Mohammed Atta except less determined, more inept, and with far less carnage last week, I mentioned that "if only A-Rod and Jeter would take up some type of dangerous and life-threatening hobby, my day will have been made." Apparently A-Rod already had: private ownership of a Gulfstream G3 piloted by someone with skills tantamount to Cory Lidle's flight instructor's.
I've hated Alex Rodriguez ever since he blew off the Mariners because the Rangers gave him a ridiculous contract. I didn't blame him for following the money, as I'm totally cool with capitalism. However, I thought that leaving to play for a loser team like the Rangers was a bad idea, if only because George W. Bush used to own a share of them and rocks their logo gear on the regs. Well, and the RANGERS SUCK, and A-Rod was too much of a pussy to admit that. Instead, he would say a bunch of incredible bullshit about how the Rangers were a solid team and he was making this decision because he loves to play baseball, and not because he was getting a quarter of a billion dollars to go to Arlington. I strongly dislike people who would rather say a bunch of overtly insincere bullshit rather than just say, "Hey, I'm a greedy asshole, and I wanted to make $250 million dollars just because some rich, desperate idiots in Texas are willing to pay me that." If you're an asshole, have some self-respect and just admit it, for fuck's sake! Spend your time and your signing bonus fucking expensive hookers, drinking Louis XIII, buying diamond-encrusted jockstraps, rolling around on rugs made out of baby seal, and anything else stupid and ostentatious NOT related to building an obviously false image with your PR rep or whoever. Anyway, after tucking his shit firmly between his legs for the sake of PR, A-Rod went from bad to infinitely worse by signing with THE FUCKING YANKEES. That pretty much sealed my eternal grudge against Alex Rodriguez, and in my mind makes him entirely deserving of death by freak plane crash, or at least an embarrassing anal perforation-induced trip to the ER involving Derek Jeter and a most unfortunate gerbil.
I thought the former was going to happen earlier this week when I read the exciting headline: "A-Rod in Plane Crash." However, despite the promising moment when A-Rod's private jet skidded out of control on the tarmac at Bob Hope's Rich People Airport, my fantasies of Pay Rod getting his karmic untimely death comeuppance for being a sanctimonious corporate whore to George Steinbrenner were destroyed by a wall of crushable concrete blocks. Crap.
Although chances are nothing plane crashy ever happen to A-Rod again, I can at least hope that he suffers something like this...
...except instead of being attacked by a fellow baseball player, A-Rod gets his eyes gouged out by a rabid badger wearing shinguards, a chest protector, and a catcher's mask. Seriously, would that not completely rule???
I've hated Alex Rodriguez ever since he blew off the Mariners because the Rangers gave him a ridiculous contract. I didn't blame him for following the money, as I'm totally cool with capitalism. However, I thought that leaving to play for a loser team like the Rangers was a bad idea, if only because George W. Bush used to own a share of them and rocks their logo gear on the regs. Well, and the RANGERS SUCK, and A-Rod was too much of a pussy to admit that. Instead, he would say a bunch of incredible bullshit about how the Rangers were a solid team and he was making this decision because he loves to play baseball, and not because he was getting a quarter of a billion dollars to go to Arlington. I strongly dislike people who would rather say a bunch of overtly insincere bullshit rather than just say, "Hey, I'm a greedy asshole, and I wanted to make $250 million dollars just because some rich, desperate idiots in Texas are willing to pay me that." If you're an asshole, have some self-respect and just admit it, for fuck's sake! Spend your time and your signing bonus fucking expensive hookers, drinking Louis XIII, buying diamond-encrusted jockstraps, rolling around on rugs made out of baby seal, and anything else stupid and ostentatious NOT related to building an obviously false image with your PR rep or whoever. Anyway, after tucking his shit firmly between his legs for the sake of PR, A-Rod went from bad to infinitely worse by signing with THE FUCKING YANKEES. That pretty much sealed my eternal grudge against Alex Rodriguez, and in my mind makes him entirely deserving of death by freak plane crash, or at least an embarrassing anal perforation-induced trip to the ER involving Derek Jeter and a most unfortunate gerbil.
I thought the former was going to happen earlier this week when I read the exciting headline: "A-Rod in Plane Crash." However, despite the promising moment when A-Rod's private jet skidded out of control on the tarmac at Bob Hope's Rich People Airport, my fantasies of Pay Rod getting his karmic untimely death comeuppance for being a sanctimonious corporate whore to George Steinbrenner were destroyed by a wall of crushable concrete blocks. Crap.
Although chances are nothing plane crashy ever happen to A-Rod again, I can at least hope that he suffers something like this...
Labels: celebrities, fuck the Yankees, large exclamatory font, Mariners, NYC
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