RazzyBlog

Labels: celebrities, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot dudes, I Love New York, Nip/Tuck, TV

# posted by Razzy @ 7:51 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Labels: celebrities, gross, masturbation, Nip/Tuck, oh the horror, ranting, TV, vulgar display of faggotry

# posted by Razzy @ 8:38 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Second, I take issue with the assertion that the dialogue on "Grey's Anatomy" is hilarious and witty. From what I've observed, this deft scriptwriting is primarily comprised of the bitches (and their fag tag-alongs) on the show nicknaming Patrick Dempsey's character "Dr. McDreamy" and Eric Dane's character "Dr. McSteamy." If I were a patient at Seattle Grace Hospital (which people needing surgery everywhere thank Christ is a fictional institution), I would not want these fucktards getting anywhere near me with their lame jokes or a scalpel, since they seem to spend far more time crafting the former than actually doing any surgery at all. Most of the time, the surgeons on this show are dicking around in the break room or at the bar, and when they do any medicine at all, it usually involves playing Scrabble with their patients and then killing them by accident. When they kill someone, they get a slap on the wrist, the other surgeons make up a pejorative nickname for them, and they're back scrubbing in by the next episode. The malpractice premiums at Seattle Grace must be astronomically high.

Fans of the show also think the characters are very deep and are bringing unique issues to the forefront of social consciousness, like the lead character's mother, a formerly successful surgeon and negligent adulterous whore of a parent, who now is in a home because she has Alzheimer's. I was unaware that parents, much less parents who are doctors, could actually get terminal, debilitating illnesses themselves, so thanks, "Grey's Anatomy," for opening my eyes to this stark reality. Also, there are...(gasp)...interracial relationships on the show! The main black dude is boning that Asian chick who was in Sideways, the short gay dude was boning the fat Latina orthopedist, but they apparently broke up, and way back when, Dr. Alzheimer was doing the married black chief of surgery. He's struggling with the fact that he still wants to do her even though she can't remember who he is half the time. That's SO groundbreaking. I didn't know that people of different ethnic backgrounds could fuck each other or have actual relationships with each other. Oh wait, yes I did...I just forgot about my entire sexual history for a second.

My biggest problem with the show, however, is that all the characters are supposed to be attractive. There are the dueling head-old guys-in-charge, Drs. McDreamy and McSteamy.

How did everyone forget that McDreamy is PATRICK DEMPSEY? Since when was he "dreamy" in any way, except when making an appearance in a strange nicotine patch-induced nightmare? His past acting roles have involved him playing a male prostitute/pizza delivery man who porked Kirstie Alley for free and a monkey-loving vagrant who died of Ebola. Putting him in a pair of scrubs and telling us all he's a neurosurgeon now that he's old does not make him hot. McSteamy, meanwhile, is sort-of hot if you squint at him from the right angle in dim light and if you're into guys who were either silent movie villains or the Count of Monte Cristo in their former lives. Take off his lab coat, wax up the ends of his mustache, and dress him in a cape and plumed hat and he'd be right at home either cackling while tying some helpless maiden to a railroad track or brandishing a rapier with a practiced flourish and a shout of "en garde!"

As far as the women go, they are even more of a shitshow, starting with the lead chick, Meredith Grey, who is played by the anorexic fifty-year-old Ellen Pompeo. If you have ever wondered why airbrushing is necessary for some women in addition to makeup, Ellen Pompeo is the case in point. On the left, you see Ellen in character, with a smooth, unlined face courtesy of Adobe Photoshop. On the right, you can see that applying approximately three bottles of foundation can only do so much to disguise the fact that her chin looks like the Western front from World War I thanks to the ravages of time. I guess her chest learned its lesson from the first World War on her face, because the Maginot Line is where her sternum should be. NOT HOT.


Then there are the lesser characters:

The ugly black guy, who cleverly distracts people from his ugliness by wearing the most hideous patterned surgical do-rags in the history of medicine.


Sandra Oh (No, You are Not Hot), who has now replaced Celine Dion in my standard "(Insert horse-faced celebrity name here) walked into a bar, bartender says 'Why the long face?'" joke. Color me totally unsurprised that her character supposedly went to Fugly Bitch U, aka Smith College.


The guy who would be kind-of hot if he weren't obviously three feet tall. His face isn't bad looking, but my innate sense of astute penis size prediction is screaming "PENCIL DICK ALERT!".


The post-op transsexual who, ironically, plays a doctor specializing in women's reproductive organ surgeries.


T.R. Knight, the guy who looks like he's twelve and whose charm is being a simpering pussy crybaby and "one of the girls" all the time.


The fat, ugly, insufferable know-it-all chick who bosses everyone around because she secretly loves them like a mother. She's the type who, if she babysat you when you were little, would force you to eat shit you didn't like and then make you thank her for looking out for your best interest. I totally love watching people like that in action almost as much as I like them telling me what to do.


The fat chick who they always show from the tits up, to make it seem like she just has big boobs instead of being generally obese.


Note that I didn't call out the one member of the cast who is actually attractive and who I would consider a viable option for some type of sexual activity. Katherine Heigl, late of "Roswell" and a variety of SciFi original movies about killer mutant insects, is indeed hot, and is rocking a pretty bangin' body to boot.

Unfortunately, Katherine Heigl is a pain in the ass in real life, as is most of the rest of the "Grey's Anatomy" cast. For those of you not addicted to internet gossip website, the big to-do as of late has been the fact that Isaiah Washington (ugly black guy) called T.R. Knight (simpering pussy) a "faggot" while he was having a girl-fight with Patrick Dempsey on set last October. At some Golden Globes press conference, a reporter asked about this, and Washington responded with "I didn't call T.R. a faggot," because he's a dumbass and a backpedaling pussy who can't stand by his name-calling. Then Katherine Heigl got all Smith girl on his ass and started saying shit like "I'm so not okay with that, that's so wrong!" or something similarly pointless to the assembled reporters. Way to celebrate that Golden Globe win, guys! Then, T.R. Knight, who is gay in real life (and was essentially forced out of the closet when Washington called him a faggot last fall), went on Ellen Degeneres's show and outright called Washington a liar, then wove a boring tale of personal triumph over adversity related to being called a faggot for the first time ever. That was the first time anyone called him a faggot? He should consider himself fortunate; many other gay people don't wait until being successfully employed on a hit TV show before ending up on the wrong end of a homophobic slur.

Don't get me wrong, because I'm not promoting co-workers routinely calling each other faggots in a derogatory way, but who gives a rat's ass? I don't care who T.R. Knight is fucking so long as it's not me, and it's irrelevant whether or not he's a cocksmoking butt pirate. The last thing I want to see on my celebrity gossip pages is a debate about this word and whether it's okay to use it affectionately (ie: "let's go dancing, you silly, fabulous little fag") when people are using it in the threatening drunken frat boy context (ie: "I'll beat your ass, you fuckin' faggot.") Perez Hilton, who routinely declares things "fagulous", outs people (ie: Lance Bass) constantly, and calls everyone under the sun "fags", has already cried for Isaiah Washington's ouster from the cast of "Grey's Anatomy." I'm not down with homophobia, and I think that all my friends hitting the same-sex tip (and myself, on occasion) should get to do so without having to suffer hateful attacks, but this "oh, that's SO wrong" type of debate is pointless and annoying. It doesn't do anything to change the minds of people who use the term in a demeaning way (and trust me, I have MANY relatives who do so, and halfassed media disapproval of some Hollywood asshole isn't going to change their minds or stop them from doing so), and it only enhances the bullshit climate of political correctness that is pervasive in our society. Even worse, it causes the larger issues (harassment and hatred of gay people) to get lost in a nebulous debate about semantics. I don't think Isaiah Washington or anyone else should get any sort of sympathy or respect for being a slur-slinging dickhead, but I don't need to hear Katherine Heigl or anyone else at a Golden Globes press conference acting like a self-righteous victim's studies major in a Smith College gender politics class telling us about her personal reasons for finding something offensive in a "like, oh my God, that makes me feel so mad because I totally know gay people and this, like, hurts their feelings and I'm a really good friend so it hurts my feelings too. Let's talk about feelings some more, because that's like, totally SUCH a productive means of finding solutions to larger social problems." Go back to being ridiculous fake TV doctors and

Labels: celebrities, Grey's Anatomy, Nip/Tuck, pro-apocalyptic zeitgeist, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, TV, vulgar display of faggotry, you're ugly

# posted by Razzy @ 8:52 AM 3 Comments Links to this post

Labels: Bev Niner, Nip/Tuck, Razzification

# posted by Razzy @ 10:57 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

• Christian is questioning his heterosexuality, and has engaged in several portentous flirting sessions with...A.C. SLATER FROM "SAVED BY THE BELL"?! Yep, that's right. Mario Lopez is guest-starring as another latently faggoty plastic surgeon and they already had an ass-admiring session in the gym showers where they discussed protein shakes and whether liposuction is necessary for more defined "cum gutters" (abdominal muscles). I can't wait until the episode when he and Christian exchange head in Mario Lopez's Ferrari.
• Sean and Julia's new baby has some condition called "ectrodactyly", more commonly known as LOBSTER CLAW HANDS. They're acting like assholes all the time adjusting to the kid's disability, and they just hired a male midget as a nanny, and it's any episode now before Julia hooks up with him.
• After being overpowered by the music of Oasis, Sean banged the ugly nanny, then gave her a gratis nose job so she'd keep it quiet. However, she's probably not going to, because she's obviously insane. I predict that she'll be stalking him frantically within two episodes.
• Christian bones a mother and daughter at the same time, then gets into a fight with them over who is more morally bankrupt.
• Kathleen Turner guest stars as a phone sex operator who needs a larynx shaving to stay sexy-sounding even though she now looks like a bloated old toad.
• Christian was clandestinely recorded making a sex video and it "went viral" after showing up on YouTube.
• Matt, having already achieved new levels of dumbassery by acting like a wuss when he got caught having a threesome, not being wise to Famke Janssen's actually being a man (although to be fair she was the most convincing post-op M2F tranny EVER), beating up transgendered people, and becoming a Nazi, has now decided that Scientology is his calling. Granted, it's not entirely his fault that he's so fucked up, as Julia lied to him and everybody else for 16 years that Sean was his father when Christian really was, but seriously. Is Matt ever going to stop being an effeminate douche with the worst teenage coping skills ever, or what?
• Liz the lesbo anesthesiologist gets slipped a roofie at some lesbian bar and winds up short a kidney.
• Sean eats hash brownies and has visions of Escobar Gallardo.
• A patient who I later realized was the aged child star who played Laura on "Little House on the Prairie" gets her nipple bitten off while fucking her pit bull mix.
• Sean and Christian sold the practice after medical business mogul and prostate cancer survivor Larry Hagman and his hot ex-lesbian hooker wife Sanaa Lathan (late of Alien vs. Predator) liked the testicular implants the doctors gave him. Sanaa Lathan's management style, which includes providing payoffs and breast access to her former madam, attempting to fire Liz for sexual harassment, and stocking the office with expensive espresso machines, is wreaking havoc with Sean and Christian's respective control issues. Christian responds by using his knowledge of her sordid past as a prostitute to extort sex from her.
  

• Michael and Walt will totally not get rescued. Instead, they will foolishly follow the Others' navigational advice and end up either back on the island or somewhere worse. Because the "Lost" writers love to prove how useful their fucking liberal arts degrees are by throwing in lots of heavy-handed intellectual references, I predict they'll encounter some obviously Odyssean peril, like a witch who look like Michael's dead heartless bitch of an international lawyer who turns overcompensating deadbeat dads with anger management issues into pigs, or a cannibal cyclops.
• Jack, Kate, and Sawyer are interrogated and subjected to totally unnecessary, poorly executed and nonsensical medical tests conducted by the Others. When the Other leader they knew as Henry Gale questions them, Kate just shuts up and glares mournfully, Jack gets all square-jawed and reminds everyone several times that he's a doctor, and Sawyer delivers inappropriate quips in his "Dukes of Hazzard"-inspired cracker accent. Then they stage an insurgency and manage to escape, but spend the rest of the season suspecting that the Others implanted them all with anal probes, just to make their lives suck even more. That's what I would do, if I was an Other.
• Charlie, ersatz junkie/Driveshaft bassist, will go back on the smack when not helping Mr. Eko do his dirty self-redemption work. Claire will yell at him, imply that he's being a bad stepfather to her baby, or otherwise upset him, and he'll be breaking open virgin mary statues like they're eggs and he's making a giant heroin omelette.
• Mr. Eko will die. Adewale Super Nigerian Last Name-hyphenated-Super Nigerian Last Name, the actor who plays Mr. Eko, had a tangle with the Honolulu police. Although the charge was dropped, "Lost" producers get really nervous when they have cast members getting into skirmishes with the Hawaii 5-0. Michelle Rodriguez and that busted blonde chick both got DUIs and their characters were promptly shot to death. Therefore, Mr. Eko will be killed in a sudden way to avoid the mere appearance of impropriety regarding the integrity of the "Lost" cast ensemble.
• Sayid, without any eligible slutty blondes around to impress with his dark mystique, will let himself go, become BFFs with Charlie the Junkie Hobbit, and start doing gay shit like this:

• The failure to enter the numbers on time which caused the counter thingy to go all hieroglyphic and cranked up the supposedly apocalypse-causing magnet results in another plane crash. A whole new crowd of plane crash survivors start mingling with the gang from Oceanic 815. This cast of characters includes a world-ending magnetologist, a brooding and reserved loner type named Thomas Hobbes who argues with Locke about property rights, social structure, and the nature of man, and a plastic surgeon who both threatens Jack's masculinity and gives Hurley the gynecomastia man tit-removal surgery he so desperately needs.
• In the course of being tortured/experimented upon by the Others, Kate wastes an entire episode reflecting on her past as the most boring international fugitive in the history of criminal vigilante justice, her love for horses, her dysfunctional trailer park family problems, and feelings for Jack AND Sawyer. The Others, like the television viewing audience, are so sick of her that they destroy her ovaries to ensure that she'll never pass her woeful genes on to any possible offspring that might result from the inevitable Jack-Sawyer train she'll be running.
• The four-toed foot turns out to be a relic of an ancient civilization that worshipped "The Simpsons," and were going to cover the island with gargantuan statues of every Matt Groening caricature ever drawn, until the magnet or whatever went off. It turns out the magnet was put there as a trap by the people from Easter Island, who were looking to dominate the south Pacific inexplicable stone idol market.
• Sun will have her baby, which will turn out to be half-black, which will make Jin go all half-cocked, break out his battering skills from his days as a Korean Soprano, and fuck up Michael, Mr. Eko, or any other person with high levels of melanin in their skin to cross his path.
  

"Project Runway" is a reality competition hosted by supermodel Heidi Klum in which aspiring fashion designers compete in weekly design challenges for the chance to show a collection at Olympus Fashion Week in New York. The designers are all bitchy, and it's fun to watch them bicker while they design often shitty and ridiculous clothing. The eliminated designer every week gets informed by Klum that "they're out" and air-kisses them off with a fond "auf wiedersehn."

The designers have now been winnowed down to four people who will be showing their collections at Fashion Week.

First there is Laura, the architect/baby factory who only makes beaded cocktail dresses for flatchested people. For an example of "classic Laura," check out the portrait of the artist herself:


Then there is Jeffrey, the hipster idiot who looks like a hellish cross between my cokehead ex-boyfriend Tod-With-One-D and Travis Barker, erstwhile Blink 182 drummer and current Paris Hilton fuckbuddy. Jeffrey is so annoying, because he is not only a complete prick, but he has the worst weak chin ever. His jawline looks like an undesirable ass, a combination of too much cleft and flat, amorphous proportions:


Also in the mix is Uli, the German who designs beach mumus for women in Miami and specializes in seizure-inducing patterned fabrics with lots of chunky braid:


Finally, there is my personal favorite. Michael Knight, this Hotlanta-born fashion thug, both shares his name with David Hasselhoff's character in "Knight Rider" and manages to design some hot urban casual wear. Also, he always will follow ghetto sensibility like "I'm not tryin' to play Captain Save-a-Ho, as we say in the hood" with lengthy complaints about the difficulties of pattern cutting , the temperamental nature of bobbin threads, and the technical trickery of hand-ruching:


As much as I get into the designers' drama and hope that Michael lays waste to Jeffrey's "deconstructed" bullshit and Uli's jungle wear, the real reason to watch this show is this:

This show sucks, and I watch it primarily to give my unchecked rage a harmless outlet. This show is all about a bunch of surgeons and the drama that has resulted from them all having sex with each other. Complicating matters is the fact that they all live in Seattle, which makes them a bunch of snivelling, whiny crybabies. Consistent with their Seattle-dwelling status, the guys are all such a bunch of unscrubbed, emotionally processive tools that Patrick Dempsey and Chris O'Donnell are dueling for the title of resident hunks. That's exactly why I moved away from the Seattle area. Who wants to choose between fucking the index Ebola case from Outbreak and the latently homosexual Robin in one of the later Batman movies? Another thing I like about the show is that Sandra Oh's character was SMITH COLLEGE CLASS OF 2000! That means that when her character was in college and came out of her room to grouchily inform me and my drunken friends that it was "quiet hours" and could we please turn down the Dr. Dre and go smoke in our rooms because she has a test in her women's studies class the next day, I blew a bong hit in her face and told her to go boobmash with her roommate.

That is where any attempt at realism in "Grey's Anatomy," ends, however. There are a lot of things about "Grey's Anatomy" that make you audibly say "what the fuck?" First off, I'd like to point out that there are at least three black people in the cast, which anyone from Seattle can tell you comprises Seattle's ENTIRE African-American population excluding professional athletes. Second, all the doctors on this show are too busy having sex to actually perform any surgeries. They have sex with each other, sex with the nurses, sex with their roommates, sex with patients, etc. The sex scenes are always lame (usually consisting of Katherine Heigl in a fugly Playtex Cross Your Heart bra with either a dying person or that doctor whose name I can never remember) and seem to occur everywhere in the hospital: in the locker room, in the nurses' station, on random out-of-the-way gurneys, in the break room, in patient beds, etc. While normally I'd be a fan of a show with so much sex happening, most of it is implied except scenes involving the aforementioned breasts of Katherine Heigl, Patrick Dempsey's suspiciously trannish wife, or the skeletal and horribly aged Meredith Grey who is the title character. You can probably see why, in this time slot, I usually opt for "Supernatural."

Flavor of Love



Why any woman would want to bone Flavor Flav is beyond me. He's like a hobbit from the hood, and despite his charming, funny mannerisms, there is no way in hell I'd let his little weiner get anywhere near me. However, there are apparently a lot of women who wouldn't mind, and they are some nasty bitches all stuck together in the house. The final three (Deelishis, Krazy, and New York) are three of the most ridiculous women ever. Krazy is obviously trying to get her music career off the ground (watch out, Flav, you don't want a repeat of what Hoopz did to you), Deelishis looks like a man despite having an ass that defies physics, and New York, resurrected from last season, is a complete and total lunatic. I was rooting for Bootz, but Flav canned her last episode because she said she wasn't going to put out until she got married, despite giving a very slutty booty dance to Lloyd Banks, Young Buck, and the guys from Three 6 Mafia. However, now that it's down to the three, I'm going to have say I'm putting my money on Deelishis. Despite her somewhat gender bending facial bone structure and hideously disfiguring scars on her back, she isn't seemingly an attention whore, and appears slightly more stable mentally than New York. Go Deelishis!

Now I can't write anymore, as I have to watch some more TV.

Labels: America's Next Top Model, Flavor of Love, Grey's Anatomy, I LOVE IT, Lost, Nip/Tuck, Project Runway, Supernatural, Survivor, TV

# posted by Razzy @ 8:58 PM 3 Comments Links to this post