Thursday, October 30, 2008
Phinish Phelps
I'm officially sick of Michael Phelps. I was actually sick of him the second the swimming part of the Olympics ended, but now I'm REALLY sick of his fug ass showing up everywhere. It was bad enough having my gossip pages cluttered up with reports of all the random pussy he was hauling with the help of his sheaf of gold medals, followed by denials from Michael Phelps's handlers that his Olympic gold turned him into a man-slut of the highest caliber. Now I have to endure him in commercials hawking everything from cell phones to cereal to Visa check cards. The other day when I saw him learning Mandarin with a Rosetta Stone do-it-yourself language lesson, I actually cursed at the television. I heard that he's currently negotiating with world-class dipshit Ashton Kutcher and his succubus wife for a reality show, which I can't imagine will consist of anything besides Michael Phelps eating ungodly amounts of food and flashing his ugly mug for the camera. Meanwhile, Page Six is reporting that he got paid 100K for showing up at some big shot television douchebag's wife's birthday party and swimming some laps.
I have no problem with dudes selling out in order to stack that paper before everyone forgets who they are. Surely, in Michael Phelps's case, he's MAYBE got one more Olympics to remind us all that he's got an allele or two in his genome that confers phenotypic traits more common to aquatic mammals, and then he'll be an afterthought at best. Like Mark Spitz before him, after his Olympic glory days are over we'll only hear about Phelps when he's sitting bitterly in the stands at the 2028 or 2032 Olympics trying to make backhanded compliments concerning his successor to an aging Bob Costas sound slightly less backhanded. I can't blame him for being completely shameless about his media whoring while demand still exists. However, I am over seeing his disturbingly Eli Manning-esque visage hawking Corn Pops, and I can't imagine why any woman who is married to an obviously rich old man would want to live the dream of having him strip down and swim for her. I can think of about 50 guys I'd rather see dripping wet in a Speedo, and most of them would do it for less than a hundred grand.
I'm not sure what it is about Phelps that I'm so tired of, but it may have something to do with the fact that he looks like this one dude I banged last year. This guy and I got along pleasantly enough at most grad school functions, and then one night we fucked while in advanced states of intoxication. After that, the dude proceeded to be an aggressively snubbing asshole every time our paths crossed. When I asked him why he was being such a prick, he informed me that he's a "relationship guy" not mature enough to deal with a no-strings roll in the proverbial hay and that my very existence was something he no longer cared to acknowledge as a result. As I was (not surprisingly) drunk, I decided this would be a great opportunity to show him that nobody–not even some dumbass Michael Phelpsian science nerd in his early twenties with bad social skills and a whole host of personal issues–ignores me...by hurling the contents of a freshly refilled glass of Johnnie Walker all over his button-down. That event has since led to some extremely awkward occasional social run-ins, and a persistent sense of distaste for Michael Phelps ever since. In fact, when I was watching the Olympics at a party and another grad student pointed out the resemblance between this guy and Michael Phelps and followed that with, "So, what does Michael Phelps's dick look like?," I was so perturbed that I couldn't even mitigate my involuntary glowering while shouting "U! S! A! U! S! A!" to celebrate him winning another gold medal for our great country. Between Michael Phelps's media whoring and the consequences of my own personal whoring, I am through with this dude. Maybe in another four years I'll be ready to watch him prostitute himself for the sake of consumerism, but for now this butterface needs to get the fuck off my television.
Labels: capitalism, media whores, Olympics, retard rage, sex, sluts, sportsmen, you're ugly
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Olympic gymsnatchtits judges
DOB: ???
Occupation: hating on America
Hometown: Australia, Russia, and China
Current residence: National Indoor Stadium, Beijing, China
Douchebaggery: Anyone who watched last night's uneven bars Olympic ladies gymsnatchtits individual medal competition knows that my barely legal girlfriend Nastia Liukin got screwed harder than me at an open bar nerd convention full of MIT graduates. She tied cheating thirteen-year-old He Kexin and wound up coming out behind courtesy of the new scoring system's wack tiebreaking rules. The undeservedly low score the Australian judge gave to Nastia fucked up her average, and she found herself with yet another silver medal in spite of earning the same score as her pubescent competition. That's right...they tied, and Nastia still lost. Thanks to the perpetually eloquent and informative Bela Karolyi ranting to Bob Costas about the scoring system afterward, this was due to "incompetence at the judging."
Similar issues with unfairly low scores posted by the Chinese and Russian judges screwed Alicia Sacramone out of a medal in the vaulting and almost fucked Nastia in the all-around. At least I expect the Russians and Chinese to play dirty when it comes to posting unfair gymsnatchtits scores reflecting an anti-American bias. Why the Australian judges have jumped enthusiastically into hating on Team USA is beyond me, but according to Valeri Liukin it's been this way for the past three world championships. Now I have a new reason not to go to Australia. Apart from the fact that Foster's sucks and they have horrifying spiders, they have American-screwing gymsnatchtits judges who are at best inexcusably inept and at worst flagrantly complicit in rigging the Chinese gold haul. Nastia was robbed, and to use the immortal words of Bev Niner's resident morally condescending slut Kelly Taylor, Australia is never again.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, international intrigue, Olympics, ranting
Monday, August 18, 2008
Daily Douchebag: lame Olympic sports
DOB: various
Occupation: stealing NBC TV time from sports I actually care about and/or Bela Karolyi hating on China
Hometown: various
Current residence: Beijing, China
Douchebaggery: I haven't shut up about the Olympics, partly because I just like writing shamelessly jingoistic trash talk about how America rules and China sucks, and partly because I enjoy the spectacle of world-class athletes demonstrating their abilities in the world's premier international sporting competition. Unfortunately, some of the specific sports involved don't really do it for me. While I'm always good for a few ardent cries of "U! S! A!" and diplomatic sentiments like "That's what you get for hating freedom, you pinko human rights violators!" and "SUCK ON IT, FOREIGNERS!," I find that my nationalistic chauvinism loses a little steam while trying to get excited about shit like archery or judo.
I certainly respect the fact that the abilities of the athletes competing in these sports are light years beyond mine, and I don't mean to diminish their prowess at their sports. Obviously if I were to attempt to outfence the Olympic rapier team I'd be summarily stabbed. However, a lot of these sports are a total snorefest to watch. I get so bored that I even forget to root obnoxiously for America, and that's when I know it's time to change the channel and watch a rerun of "Project Runway" or get a little hot Mark Schlereth action on "Inside the NFL."
Archery: If this sport included more Lord of the Rings-type stuff, like dudes climbing up the sides of massive elephants to shoot entire squadrons of wild-eyed Haradrim from the southlands prior to taking out the elephant itself and sliding down its trunk while it collapses in its death throes as a final display of showmanship and finesse, I'd be more into it. Unfortunately, Olympic archery is just a bunch of balding dudes standing around shooting at a target. They don't even do that arrow-splitting thing that Robin Hood used to pull off. Unless archery is changed to involve either something like that, elves from Middle Earth, or Ted Nugent stalking a bunch of elk around some remote Michigan forest, I want no part of it.
Canoeing/Flatwater Kayaking: The only thing more lame than doing competitive rowing is doing it in a CANOE. Unless your name is Meriwether Lewis or William Clark, I am not going to be impressed by any feats of canoeing. Call me when you get involved with a real sport that Boy Scouts don't get merit badges for learning.
Equestrian: Having long gotten over the horse-craziness many girls experience during their prepubescent years, I could give a fuck about how well bitches in jodhpurs can trot a horse around a stable. They need to add a rodeo event or an actual RACE or something to spice up the snorefest that is dressage.
Fencing: I'd normally love anything that involves sabers and swordfighting, because those things remind me of pirates. Unfortunately, fencing doesn't involve wearing plumed hats, carrying a blunderbuss for show, or doing any sort of swashbuckling. Instead, fencing appears to be about wearing an outfit that looks like a cross between Hannibal Lecter's anti-cannibalism muzzle and Bender from "Futurama," and they always stop people from actually stabbing each other. That kind of takes all the fun out of swordfighting, if you ask me.
Judo: It's like wrestling, except MORE boring. I don't care if this is a martial art; two seconds of judo make me wish I were at a tax seminar.
Marathon: On Saturday, I went out drinking, and while I waited for my companion in this laudable pursuit to arrive, I was watching the Olympics on the bar TV. The women's marathon was on. I got bored after about thirty seconds, when I realized there was still another three fucking hours of endurance running. I appreciate the physical feat of running 26.2 miles in just a few short hours, but that shit is not fun to watch. Showing the last minute of the race and briefing me about anyone who threw up or died en route to the finish line is perfectly adequate marathon coverage as far as I'm concerned. I got so bored with what LL Cool Jew referred to as "SNORE...running in panties." I turned my attention to the preseason Jets-Redskins game, which wasn't so much a football game as a testament to how many of the (pitiful) Jets fans in attendance already forked over cash for "Jet Favre" jerseys. You know you're in trouble when two of your favorite sporting events are on TV (Olympics and NFL football), and the overriding thought in your mind is "I hope the camera pans over to the Redskins bench so I can feast my eyes on Seahawks legend Jim Zorn."
Rhythmic gymnastics: I am staunchly opposed to any "sport" that involves ribbon twirling. The only reason to watch gymsnatchtits is watching freakishly built children perform feats of agility and athleticism that seem physically impossible. Replacing said impressive gymnastic moves with balls and sashes defeats the entire purpose.
Rowing: This should be fun, because it's a race, but I always hated crew people. My high school ex-girlfriend rowed crew, and not only was she a really shitty girlfriend, I hung out with her "crew people" in college once. They ROYALLY sucked on account of attending Harvard, and being snobs about being on the fucking Harvard sculling team or whatever. The best part of that night was watching my ex-girlfriend puke into a Harvard Coop bag while getting shafted by the dumb bitch she was drunk dialing. Karmic reward is sweet, but crew is not. The Smith crew lesbians weren't any better. They were always whining about those of us engaged in the sports of alcoholism and revelry about how they had to get up at 5 a.m. for practice. I would tell them to either fuck off and go stay at their girlfriends' lame dorm where people drink a nip peach schnapps once a month (and that's on a crazy month) and are generally more silent than a room full of deaf-mutes, or tell them they should have thought about the fact they were in college before they joined the crew team. Sometimes I'd blow a lungful of Parliament Light smoke in their faces because I'm an asshole like that. Crew sucks.
Sailing: I guess the WASPs who don't get into tennis have to have some sport to compete in. Nonetheless, I can't get behind any "sport" that involves wearing Nautica clothes and topsiders.
Soccer: Soccer (which I refuse to and will NEVER refer to as "football") is the stupidest sport on earth, and it is a testament to America's greatness that most of us here in the United States of Asskickery could give two shits about it. Who needs to get with a sport that is every European's favorite thing? Europe blows.
Shooting: I love guns, so I SHOULD like shooting. However, it's not only a bunch of shooting at targets rather than game trophies, terrorists, or mutant aliens, the commentators always get really hung up on how to do use guns safely. I can sum that up in one sentence: IT'S CALLED A SAFETY, morons. Don't point the gun at your competitor when that's off, and voila! Safe gun use. Get over it.
Tae kwon do: Wait, they DON'T actually beat the shit out of each other during a tae kwon do contest? I thought they were supposed to "sweep the leg" and "put him in a body bag," all the while having "no mercy." At least that's what I learned from the Kobra Kai dojo. Unfortunately, real Olympic karate or whatever doesn't involve anything like that, or any ass-kicking at all. It's more about shit like "form." Who cares?
Wrestling: I normally like latently homoerotic sports in which grown, usually aggressively heterosexual men writhe around in singlets, but unless there is trash-talking and some member of the McMahon family involved, I get bored quickly. In "serious" Olympic wrestling, there isn't a whole lot of trash talking save that Swedish guy who renounced his bronze medal and stormed off, and there is virtually NO entrance music. In fact, the only time I've cared about an Olympic wrestler is in this context.
Oh, it's true, it's true. The only reason I cared about Kurt Angle's Olympic gold was they gave him ample cause to continually replay his awesome entrance music circa 2001 and throw a hissy fit about fans who chanted "you suck!" to it in spite of his ascending the medal podium in Atlanta. I mean, come on, his name is Kurt Angle, and what the heck...he won a gold medal and it's around his neck! Olympic wrestling should have more of that hotness.
Labels: Daily Douchebag, NFL football, Olympics, sportsmen
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Bela Karolyi
Name: Béla Károlyi
DOB: September 13, 1942
Occupation: retired Olympic gymsnatchtits coach, NBC analyst,
Hometown: Cluj-Napoca, Romania
Current residence: Houston, Texas
Bela Karolyi on vault judging: 'a total reep off...my heart is breeking for alicia sacaramonee. How you can do this? I am getting eemotional.'LL Cool Jew must already have boarded her flight, because she didn't get back to me. However, JerseyGirl texted me out of nowhere instead:
JerseyGirl: Omg behind the scenes of the hills, justin bobby is smokinWhile an intoxicated catfight between Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag–ESPECIALLY if the dirty and despicable yet hate-fuckably hot Justin Bobby is somehow involved–sounds compelling, I kept watching the Olympics. I care more about listening to Bela Karolyi excoriate the pro-China, age-faking, score-fixing factions in Olympic gymsnatchtits judging than whether or not Heidi and Spencer leaked LC's interminably boring sex tape because LC was generally a bitch of a roommate and fake best friend. Bela Karolyi is indeed awesome, and he's the hotness, and he's basically every other conjurable superlative.
Razzy: Lol. M watchn olympics but will switch over at commercial
JerseyGirl: Lc and heidi come face to face in season 4 in a drunken fight. It looks amazing. Btdubs bela karolyi–daily dude i wanna hit him
Razzy: zomg bela is awesome
JerseyGirl: Hes the hotness
I don't even care if Bela Karolyi built champion gymnasts in the past with a deft combination of starvation, self-esteem deconstruction, and verbal abuse. I love Bela. I would consider it an honor, a privilege, and a pleasure to be berated by him. I'm sad that gymsnatchtit competition is almost over, because I will miss watching him roar nonsensically in either exuberance or rage at Bob Costas about Team USA versus Team China. Bela doesn't give a fuck, and thinks nothing of call China "arrogant cheaters" or calling the Chinese and Russian judges "inexcusable" and "abominable" on international TV from Beijing, probably while the Olympics thought police hover around dying to pull the plug. In fact, he peppers excited shouts of "GOOD GIRL!" praising the gymnasts of Team USA with his rants about the Olympic powers that be, all the while waving his hands and shaking his fists like he's making a propaganda speech on behalf of his own local politburo in the People's Republic of Bela Karolyi Awesomeness.
In case you have been living under a rock or you're one of those losers who doesn't watch TV and thus haven't yet witnessed Bela in action, feast your eyes. He's like a Transylvanian bear on crack with a giant, industrial broom mustache, and he rules harder than Nicolae Ceaucescu back in the days before Bela defected to the good old U.S. of A.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot dudes, JerseyGirl, LL Cool Jew, Olympics, sportsmen, The Hills
Friday, August 15, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Nastia Liukin
DOB: October 30, 1989
Occupation: Olympic women's all-around gold medalist
Hometown: Plano, Texas via Moscow, Russia
Current residence: the gold medal podium, Beijing, China
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: This bitch needs no introduction. My current barely legal crush Nastia took home Olympic gold last night to my utter delight. I was worried for a minute that the 12-year-old Chinese bitch was going to overtake Nastia thanks to some bullshit scoring decisions but finally those pinko cheaters got their comeuppance. I knew those ugly pink barrettes all of Team China seems to favor with their Maoist red uniforms would eventually be their undoing. They need to take some style tips from Nastia and realize that the pink-red combo is only acceptable at your medal ceremony.
I love Nastia because not only does she have the best name in the world, she really is the American dream. Like many who have fled from behind the Iron Curtain, her family settled in Texas, became ex-Stalinist white trash, and perpetuated their gymsnatchtits dynasty. Bred from two world class Soviet gymnasts, she has spent her entire life training to rule everyone's faces off at these Olympics. Her family's story is a true immigrant success story and I'm pretty sure that if she were alive to see it, Emma Lazarus would be shouting "U! S! A! U! S! A!" about the Liukins.
I also applaud Nastia for somehow managing to avoid getting the frightening prepubescent body that many gymnasts in the Bela Karolyi school of competitive eating disorders, and actually has some T&A. Okay, she has A cups, but in her profession that's the equivalent of a Dolly Parton-sized rack. Alright, and admittedly her face is a little wonky too, but she's still my favorite hot piece of trash on Team USA. Even if, as my friend Morrissey'sHair noted yesterday, Alicia Sacramone "has that nasty, New England slut look about her, like she just rolled out of Danvers, Mass looking for a quick bang" and scores points with me by punching out Brown frat boys, I still have to declare my allegiance to Nastia. She might seem like a stuck-up bitch sometimes (Bob Costas refers to this as her "elegance"), but I know how that quiet type does it. Those quiet ones who act like they shit L'Occitane face lotion are usually the dirtiest pervs on the planet, and I'm willing to bet Nastia is no exception. For all those people who are like, "You're gross, Razzy, she's a child!" Well, she's 18, straight-up legal in every state, and I'm ONLY eleven years her senior. I've certainly banged people a decade or more my senior, and look where it's gotten me! I could teach Nastia a thing or two about living up to all the jokes pertaining to her first name, as well as show her a new meaning for her Hollywood debut, Jeff Bridges's magnum opus Stick It!
I'm so excited about Nastia's gold medal that I don't even feel cranky enough to douchebag anybody today. YAY for Nastia! USA! U! S! A! U! S! A!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot chicks, Olympics, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Sleeping with the enemy
I have always wondered when I take random pictures of me doing standard Razzified shit with my dogs why I always regard Chingy! with such an obvious expression of "what the fuck, asshole?!" I thought it was always due to his Too $hort-esque tendencies, or his cacophagic inclinations, or his starfish pant-stamping, or his overall rePUGnancy. However, now I've realized that this has taken a decidedly nationalistic tone. Why do I look so annoyed in the below picture? Because Chingy! is not on board with freedom.
Chingy! is not rooting for team USA. LL Cool Jew and I were texting yesterday about the TOTALLY CHEATING Chinese gymsnatchtits team, and she suggested that my morbidly obese dog is rooting for the enemy. In fairness, Pugs were sort of appropriated by the Dutch sometime around the end of the Dark Ages as far as breeding goes, but I'm willing to work with the "Chingy! is an asshole, and thus is rooting for the nation that originally bred his assholish, incorrigibly lazy kind" a millenium ago. Sure, Pugs have occupied a place in the footnotes of European history. Some Pug saved William of Orange's life from assassins in the sixteenth century and Empress Josephine used Pugs to deliver secret notes to Napoleon, but I assume these outlying events are entirely stochastic. Relying on a Pug to bark a warning is more ill-advised than relying on Al Gore to admit that freon-containing appliances are critical to a sound energy policy. Chingy! cannot be relied upon to do anything besides snore loudly, sleep constantly, eat indigent feces, and sneeze contemptuously when rebuked. I am hardly surprised that he is rooting for our national Olympic enemy China, especially when considering that the Chinese are known to violate human rights, suppress free speech, and cheat at gymsnatchtits.
.
Last night, this "Chongay is pro-Team China" theory gained some credence when this asshole not only woke from his typical deep slumber to wag his question mark for "March of the Volunteers." The idea that Chingy! would volunteer for any type of people's work is laughable; however, he apparently likes the pinko tunes enough to actually work his tail a bit to the beat. He also had this look on his face when I asked, "Hey CHONGAY, what do you think about the fact that your Olympic women's gymsnatchtits team won by faking their ages?"
CHONGAY CHONG, Team USA!!
.
Last night, this "Chongay is pro-Team China" theory gained some credence when this asshole not only woke from his typical deep slumber to wag his question mark for "March of the Volunteers." The idea that Chingy! would volunteer for any type of people's work is laughable; however, he apparently likes the pinko tunes enough to actually work his tail a bit to the beat. He also had this look on his face when I asked, "Hey CHONGAY, what do you think about the fact that your Olympic women's gymsnatchtits team won by faking their ages?"
Labels: CHONGAY CHONG, doggity style, Olympics, United States of Asskickery
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Misty May-Treanor
DOB: July 30, 1977
Occupation: U.S. Olympic beach volleyball player
Hometown: Costa Mesa, California
Current residence: Chaoyang Park Beach Volleyball Grounds, Beijing, China
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I have never cared much for volleyball, indoor or outdoor. As much as I should be able to get behind any sport that requires either kneepads or bikinis, I usually find it pretty boring. This may be due to my childhood years of sucking harder than a homeless woman in Tacoma with no meth at CYO volleyball due to my mediocre talent at the sport (and calling my abilities "mediocre" is being generous). However, when Olympics time rolls around, I get into beach volleyball. There is one reason for my interest, and her name is Misty May-Treanor.
Not only is this chick totally awesome at beach volleyball (I mean, I guess...she and her partner Kerri Walsh always win and are defending their gold medal), but she also is totally hot. Her prowess at the sport is impressive, but more impressive is what she did the other day when President Bush showed up to watch team May-Treanor/Walsh gear up to kick some foreigner ass. After showing her skills off for Dubya, she decided to keep with beach volleyball tradition and offer her ass for him to tap. "Mr. President...want to?" she asked.
In yet another of the many discredits to President Bush's name, he declined and just ran his hand across her lower back. Nonetheless, I have to give props to Misty for trying. Not everyone can claim that they tried to get the (inept) leader of the free world to spank them. She can rest assured that in four years, President McCain will probably be glad to give that hard posterior a firm smack. Even though Bush isn't being a very good American, thank God Misty May-Treanor is making up for it by standing up for one of our most hallowed traditions: slapping a hot chick's fine ass. She is a true patriot and an exemplary representative of the most freedom-loving nation in all the world. I think she's also going to win a gold medal or something, too. Go Misty May-Treanor! USA! U! S! A! U! S! A!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot chicks, Olympics, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Monday, August 11, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Michael Phelps
DOB: June 30, 1985
Occupation: king of the swimming pool
Hometown: Baltimore, Maryland
Current residence: Olympic Village, Beijing, China
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I normally find Michael Phelps annoying. He seems like the kind of guy who gives people a lot of "I'm Michael Phelps, fellate me" attitude when the camera's off. Sure, he has the reputation of being a really nice guy, but I'm not buying it. People said that about Apolo Anton Ohno, too, and I can tell that guy is likewise a grade A prick to be around. It's always the supposedly really nice people who are actually cocks in their personal lives. I also hate that Michael Phelps looks like the bastard child that Archie Manning abandoned at birth.
So, for the next two weeks I'm changing my usual "sha, Michael Phelps" attitude to a "GO KICK SOME FOREIGN ASS, MICHAEL PHELPS!" attitude. USA! U! S! A!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Olympics, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Daily Douchebag: Alain Bernard
DOB: May 1, 1983
Occupation: Olympic swimmer, un-backing-up shit talker
Hometown: Aubagne, France
Current residence: the ignonimy of defeat, Beijing, China
Douchebaggery: I have spent so much time rooting against China that I've forgotten that there are plenty of other countries whose asses I'd like America to summarily kick, as well. One of the leaders among my most-hated foreign nations is France. Apart from producing some solid wine, cheese, pepper steak, baguettes, inspiration for my boy Chopin to compose some of his greatest piano works, and part of the backdrop for my favorite Hemingway novel, France leads Europe in the garnering of my disdain. I can't stand the snotty, entitled attitude that the French are famous for, and nothing brings out my inner uncouth asshole redneck American like a Frenchman waxing on about how culturally superior his country is. One time, back when I lived in Seattle, I was at this pretentious bar with a couple of my coworkers and was making fun of how another colleague used to show off his high school French–or at least his over-the-top French accent–whenever he called one of our collaborators in France.
"And zen, Docteur So-and-So, yeu will spectratype ze T cells, oui? J'adore yeur deft analeesees of our samples, cheri," I was saying, while my coworkers laughed. The guy sitting next to us at the bar overheard, and butted in.
"I am Française," he said bitchily. "Zis ees exactly why we zink Americaines are steupeed eediots." He gave me a look like, "DAMN, I just owned you, Americaine swine!" Bad idea.
"Oh, really? Well, if you don't like it, none of us will stop you from going back to France. In fact, that would be preferable, since that way we won't have to endure your rude butting in to our conversation."
The French guy just glared at me and rolled his eyes. I wasn't having it. Time to break out my favorite anti-French insult. It's clichéd, but like blue jeans, Coca-Cola, or blow jobs, it never goes out of style.
"Don't give me that 'oh, you crude American' eye roll, Pierre. If it weren't for us, your ass would be speaking German right now." At that point the French guy decided he'd had enough, and promptly began ignoring us. I started telling obnoxious French jokes loudly to my coworker friends, who were enjoying the whole spectacle. "Why are French tanks equipped with rearview mirrors? So they can see the battle," I said. French guy settled his tab and left shortly thereafter. I win again and as usual!
Anyway, very few things satisfy me more than putting an overconfident Frenchman in his place, and I'm glad the U.S. men's Olympic swimming team could do just that. Apparently, one of the few things France is good at besides insufferable condescension is men's swimming. As I would expect from an athlete originating in the country where the word "douche" originated, one of the guys from Team France decided to dismissively shit-talk Team USA's prospects in the 4x100 m relay. "The Americans?" said French swimmer Alain Bernard. "We're going to smash them. That's what we came here for." That's some serious dick-swinging being done by a lead singer-of-Coldplay-looking man who has to rely on a shark tattoo to butch himself up.
Alain should have taken some lessons from other incidences of "we will crush you" shit-talking that backfired hard. Once Roy Williams of the Detroit Lions foolishly vowed to crush the Chicago Bears after they opened the season losing 9-6 to the Seahawks, after adding, "it was stupid how close we were to putting forty points on the board." The vaunted 2006 Lions went on to lose 34-6 to Chicago. In another incident, then-Seahawks tight-end Jerramy Stevens made some comments prior to Super Bowl XL, saying, "It's going to be a sad day when (Jerome Bettis) doesn't walk off the field with that trophy." To this day, I blame Jerramy Stevens's hubris almost as much as I blame Bill Leavy's heavily Steeler-biased officiating for a day that lives in infamy with 12th Men everywhere. There are countless instances of some player firing off his mouth and then getting spanked for it when it matters, and if Alain Bernard weren't so busy looking down his elitist French nose at Team USA, he might have considered that prior to giving our guys some motivation.
Not only did Team USA take the gold in the 4x100 relay, they completely owned Alain Bernard and his compatriots in the process. It appeared that going into the final 100 meters, France was winning. Luckily Jason Lezak wasn't about to let Alain Bernard or the French-held world record in this event get in his way. He made up America's lost time and kicked Alain Bernard's ass in the final 50 meters and set a world record for relay split swimming in the process. To add extra sweetness to the victory, the record Lezak broke was Bernard's. Suck on that, Alain Bernard and France. USA! U! S! A! U! S! A!
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, Olympics, overcompensation, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Friday, August 08, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: the Olympics
DOB: August 8, 2008
Occupation: the most-watched trash on my TV for two weeks
Hometown: Beijing, China
Current residence: Beijing, China and NBC
Why I Want to Hit the Olympics: I love the Olympics. I'm always down for a dick-swinging competition, especially one upon which rides the bragging rights of nations. I'm also always down for any excuse to shout "USA! U! S! A!" and trash other countries. I'm particularly excited for this Olympics, because we finally have some international frienemies to hate on the way we used to do with the Soviets. I'm going to break out the Toby Keith and get my America on. Besides, if I really want to stick it to those pinko Chinese, I'm not going to get all self-righteous, turn off the TV, bitch about human rights, and break out my made in China Free Tibet flag. No, like any true American patriot, I'm going to order a pizza, crack a cold beer, and watch our women's gymnastics team smote their commie ruin upon the uneven bars, and Michael Phelps leer dully down like a long-lost Manning brother at their swimmers from the top of the gold medal podium. You know why we won the Cold War? It had less to do with a four decade-long nuclear pissing contest than our routine beating down the Eastern Bloc like O.J. Simpson with a mouthy blonde girlfriend. Freedom makes for better athletes, and I have no doubt now that our unfettered internet access, legalized big Caesar-sized dogs, slightly less polluted cities, lack of prisoner organ harvesting, and ubiquitous corporate fast food franchises will result in a veritable Fort Knox of Olympic gold for team U! S! A!
And to celebrate our impending dominance, I'm skipping the artfaggy Opening Ceremonies to drink some Miller Lite with lesbians, criticize the government, and generally participate in some shameless pro-American jingoism. USA! U! S! A!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Olympics, United States of Asskickery
Monday, July 21, 2008
We'll put a boot in China's ass, it's the American way
I'm getting pretty stoked for the Olympics, and I just read an article from Sunday's Telegraph that reminded me why. Entitled "Battle for gold offers China first chance to 'defeat' America," the piece describes how China is gearing up to kick our freedom-loving asses this August in Beijing:
China's emerging rivalry with America as a global superpower will move into the sporting arena next month as its Olympic athletes strive to oust their US counterparts from the top of the medals table for the first time.Oh, it's ON, bitches! I loved growing up during Cold War Olympics because it was so fun to root against the Russians. Even though I was nine when the Summer Olympics were held in Seoul in 1988 and I was more concerned with my lesbian scientist Barbies and riding my bike than studying the nuances of our drama with the U.S.S.R., I knew that as an American I had to feel one way: LET'S KICK SOME COMMIE ASS!
In a showdown reminiscent of the Cold War-era battles for Olympian dominance, China has put unprecedented effort into ensuring that Beijing 2008 will be a sporting triumph as well as a logistical one.
With their athletes already dominant in events such as gymnastics, table tennis and martial arts, Chinese sporting chiefs have spent the past few years focusing on disciplines where Americans have traditionally excelled, including swimming, basketball and athletics.
China's attempt to end America's run of supremacy at the last three Games will add an East-West frisson not seen since the demise of the Soviet Union, which topped the medals board eight times in the post-war period. While the rest of the world's eyes will be on the heroics of the individual contestants, Chinese officials will pay closest attention to the total medal tally. Some expect America to take an early lead with the many swimming events in the first few days – but be squeezed by China as other disciplines kick in.
Darryl Seibel, a spokesman for the US Olympic Committee, said: "We expect this to be one of the most competitive Olympics in recent history. That is down to a combination of China's investment in its Olympic programme, Russia's decision to do the same and the policy of some nations like Britain, which are targeting specific medals in sports that are important to them. China has to be considered the favourite. Every host nation receives a huge boost."
It didn't matter to me then that all I knew about the Soviet Union was that they had bread lines, thought police, lots of tanks, weird-looking churches, something evil called the KGB, MIG fighter jets that guys from Top Gun shoot down, and a cold-ass part of the country called Siberia. Oh, and they displayed Lenin's body like the damn Declaration of Independence (gross), weren't free, and hated America. All of that sounded pretty bad to me, so I was glad to ignore that pussified Sting "I bet the Russians love their children too" garbage and root against those pinko cocksuckers in any and all Olympic sporting contests. Besides, channeling major philosophical, political, and historical disagreements into an international sports contest is a hell of a lot more fun and constructive than nuclear war.
Since the Soviet Union's collapse, we haven't had any really good national rivals to hate on during the games of the whatever Olympiad, and that's disappointing to me. It's just no fun to hate on the Russians since we stopped fearing that they might annihilate us with 400 kiloton Sloika warheads at any moment. As far as our enemies abroad are concerned, I can't get too excited about hating on Iran or North Korea's Olympic team, because I have yet to see any of their athletes at the Olympics. In fact, Wikipedia tells me that Iran last mounted the podium with Olympic gold at the Melbourne summer games in 1956. Sadly for all of us freedom-loving patriots looking for an enemy, Al Qaeda doesn't have an Olympic team. Even if they were a sovereign nation and thus permitted to compete, I would wager that they wouldn't be much of a threat anyway, since making crazy videos of anti-western rhetori-babble for Al-Jazeera, airline hijacking, and illegal arms trading aren't Olympic events.
Therefore, I'm glad China has stepped in to fill the void of vicious international rival. Finally I've found something that I can see eye to eye with the annoyingly disruptive, hypocritical, patently stupid Free Tibet protestors on: hating on China hard. It's too bad all those losers are boycotting the Olympics, because I would think that watching Michael Phelps smote some Chinese ruin on the side of the swimming pool would be a truly satisfying way of dealing out some karmic reward for their shoddy human rights record. This year, China may have been focusing on traditionally American-dominated sports, but we are not only going to kick their ass at swimming, we're going to kick their ass at traditional Chinese-dominated sports like women's gymnastics too! Sure, America may be up to its tits in Chinese loans to cover the Iraq War, but that will make it even more satisfying when Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin open a can of gymnastic supremacy all over the People's Republic. I'm glad we finally have some real rivals to hate for once at the Olympics, because it will make it that much more sweet when we stomp their asses with nationalistic pride not seen since Gorbachev was running shit at the Kremlin.
And if China wants to know what happens when a Communist superpower tries to get the better of the U.S. of A, I would advise them to watch a little movie called RED DAWN:
That's right, China...WOLVERINES! USA! U! S! A! U! S! A!
That's right, China...WOLVERINES! USA! U! S! A! U! S! A!
Labels: I LOVE IT, international intrigue, Olympics, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: the U.S. Women's Olympic Gymnastics Team
DOB: 1988-1994
Occupation: kicking some Chinese gymnastics team ass (and the rest of the world's too) in Beijing come August!
Hometown: everywhere from Des Moines, Iowa to Moscow, Russia
Current residence: wherever Marta Karolyi is running her Olympics team training camp
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Sunday night, LL Cool Jew and I were watching the U.S. Olympics Trials in women's gymnastics. LL Cool Jew is Olympics-crazy, so I can always count on her to do some interstate trial watching via text message. Since girls–including me–seem to invariably have an innate interest in gymnastics, I figured that she would be watching this for sure and I wasn't wrong. In fact, the only thing that kept her from the whole thing was some wedding shower she had to attend.
Razzy: R u watchn the olympic trials?In addition to being excited about the appearance of the excessively energetic Bela Karolyi and feeling sufficiently gross for having dirty lesbian fantasies about a 16-year-old, I am really looking forward to watching our national gymnastics team kick some international ass come August. I did some internets research on the ladies, and surmised that LL Cool Jew's prediction of Olympic glory for our gymnasts is very, very possible. I also checked Wikipedia and discovered that Nastia Liukin is actually 18, so I'm marginally less of a creep. Shawn Johnson, bitch though I think she is behind closed doors, apparently does the most technically difficult, complicated gymnastics moves in the sport. Nastia Liukin has won four all-around world championships. Alicia Sacramone has seven various world championship medals under her leotard belt, and Chellsie Memmel also has an all-around world championship, and has two separate moves named after her. These bitches are totally fierce and they are going to kick ass. Plus, as LL Cool Jew pointed out, they do not look as emaciated as gymnasts typically do. All these ladies have at least A cups (which for a gymnast is an unbelievable rack) and many of them have fine, round asses. I do not feel as disturbed as I normally do watching elite gymnasts running around in their leotards, because they actually appear to have gone through puberty and don't look like super athletic versions of Gollum.
LL Cool Jew: dude! just got hm from shittastic bridal showr. takn th dogs out thn change thn trials! s th gymnastics on yet?
Razzy: Yes! Gymsnatchtits on now!
LL Cool Jew: did u know this yrs wmns gymnastics team may b th strongest ever?? shawn johnson, nastia liukin n chellsie memmel r the 1s 2 watch!
Razzy: Shawn johnson just won a trip 2 beijing!
LL Cool Jew: o shit! i'll b on th couch in 5
LL Cool Jew: shit! is it over??
Razzy: Almost. Some loser prancn 2 tocatta and fugue
Razzy: Dude i wld have a kells jam 4 my floor routine
LL Cool Jew: just turned it on. dont they look less deprived n hungry as gymnasts usually r?
Razzy: Yes! They all have t & a.
Razzy: I miss bela karolyis crazy ass on the gymnasty scene
Razzy: Shawn johnson s such a bitch. I can tell.
LL Cool Jew: u r so mean! she was gracious. n dont worry abt misn bela, his wifes th coach now. he'll b around
Razzy: I m such a hater but m telln u: sj s a nightmare when the cameras r off
LL Cool Jew: omg have u seen alicia scarmone. she is my girlfriend dude
Razzy: S that ths blonde ho?
Razzy: Her taste n music sux hard
LL Cool Jew: kinda dark blond. blue leotard. h o t.
Razzy: Floor exercise music blows
Razzy: Ths music s like carnaval meets a rave n the basement of emerson house. Lame
LL Cool Jew: i thnk th us womens gymnastics team is th daily dude. shawn johnson n nastia l. r th no. 1 & 2 gymnsts n th world! we will dominate! u! s! a!
LL Cool Jew: vault n esp balance beam r th best (and most dangerous)
Razzy: Balance beam blows my mind
LL Cool Jew: i know! th level of difficulty is such that its hard 2 fathom what yr seeing s evn possible
LL Cool Jew: o! n ths chelsea memml was the 2003 world champion but got injurd n cdnt go 2 athens n now shes makn her big comeback!
LL Cool Jew: watch: sj on wheaties box *with a quickness*
Razzy: Trust. I thnk nastia s hot n has a hot ass name
LL Cool Jew: her eyes are wonky. her name s scary.
LL Cool Jew: they hate each other
Razzy: Shes a terror n the sack. Shes nastia!
Razzy: Id hit it w nastia liukin
LL Cool Jew: shes 16
Razzy: Alicia sacramone is hot. Id hit that 2
LL Cool Jew: and shes 20! but i saw her first
LL Cool Jew: nastia s 16. alicia s 20.
Razzy: 16? My bad. Again, cue the bump n grind remix
Razzy: Ill look up nastia n 2 years
LL Cool Jew: alicia sacarmone has lesbish body language
Razzy: Shes no stranger to a clam bake 4 sure
Razzy: Yes! Bela!
LL Cool Jew: theres bela
Apparently, the next day, LL Cool Jew got into it with her mother about our gymnastics team. LL Cool Jew's mom is a kung fu master who used to work as a bodyguard for the Black Panthers in the 70s, and her radical leanings apparently stunt her patriotism somewhat. In spite of the fact that I know LL Cool Jew's mom watches the Olympics, she apparently roots for foreigners "on principle."
LL Cool Jew: you knowEven if LL Cool Jew's mom isn't feeling it, I'm still convinced that our gymnastics team is going to smote some Chinese and Romanian and Russian and every other gymnastics-loving nation's ruin on the mountainside. USA! U!S!A! U!S!A!
LL Cool Jew: i just have to tell you this story about my mom
LL Cool Jew: you will so be the exact right person to tell about this
Razzy: k
LL Cool Jew: she is 100% the person ronald reagan meant when he talked about the "blame america first crowd"
Razzy: lol for realz
LL Cool Jew: we were talking about the u.s. women's gymnastics team
LL Cool Jew: i was remarking on how dominant they will be
Razzy:: she started to hate?
LL Cool Jew: and i had the temerity to add a little "U! S! A!" at the end
Razzy: i love the U! S! A!
Razzy: that is like my favorite american thing to do
LL Cool Jew: she totz went ballistic
LL Cool Jew: about how jingoistic i was being
LL Cool Jew: and i was like
LL Cool Jew: HOLD ON LADY.
Razzy: "jingoistic"
Razzy: lol
LL Cool Jew: the olympics are ALL ABOUT NATIONALISM
Razzy: sorry, mom, but you ARE american
LL Cool Jew: and do you think your precious CHINESE aren't approaching this as the most major NATIONALISTIC DEMONSTRATION IN THEIR 5000-YEAR HISTORY????
Razzy: either love the olympics or STFU!
Razzy: well, for fucking real!
Razzy: is she rooting for china?
LL Cool Jew: she DOES love teh olympics but she likes to root for foreigners on principle!
LL Cool Jew: what principle? don't ask
LL Cool Jew: i don't know
LL Cool Jew: BLAME AMERICA FIRST i guess
LL Cool Jew: and i was like look
LL Cool Jew: the economy's in the shitter
LL Cool Jew: we have a craptastic and emabrrassing president
LL Cool Jew: the dollar ain't worth a damn
LL Cool Jew: we could use some cheering up!
Razzy: let's get excited about our gymsnatchtits team!
LL Cool Jew: nothing like a good old-fashioned display of american excellence to perk us up!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, LL Cool Jew, Olympics, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Friday, May 02, 2008
Free Made cheaply in China Tibet
There are a couple commenters who get all pissed every time I criticize the dumb "Free Tibet" protestors. A while ago, I complained that "Free Tibet" protestors were stupid for disrupting the Olympic torch since it was an annoying form of protest rather than an effective or meaningful one. These protestors validated their stupidity holding historically inaccurate signs asserting that Nazi Germany never got to host the Olympics. Apparently for all their knowledge of great strides in human civil rights, these dumbasses never heard of Jesse Owens sticking it to Hitler with an assload of gold medals (and by the way...U!S!A! U!S!A!).
Well, these posts earned a bunch of crybaby bitching about how China has a horrible human rights record and for some reason my not worshiping the protestors renders me a hypocrite and blah blah blah. Finally, some sensible anonymous commenter suggested that if the anonymous Free Tibet people blowing up my comment boards really wanted to give China the proverbial finger, maybe they could stop consuming Chinese products like they're going out of style. The Free Tibet commenter hotly replied, "How do you know what products are in my house?"
Thanks to the intrepid reporters at the BBC, now we know at least one product in this self-righteous faceless activist's house that's made in China: his/her Free Tibet flag.
Apparently, most of the Free Tibet flags being waved hysterically by all the activists trying to put out the Olympic torch are MADE IN FUCKING CHINA! Then again, I wouldn't expect people who learned the basics regarding their political cause from the Beastie Boys (who, prior to fighting for human rights in Tibet were doing so on behalf of their right to party) and Richard "Gerbil Ass" Gere to conclude that buying Chinese goods--even contraband "Free Tibet" flags--might help the Chinese government more than it hurts it. Foreigners buying any types of Chinese goods just bolsters the Chinese economy, thus allowing their government to tighten its stranglehold on our short-and-curlies in terms of the massive debt the U.S. has incurred with them.
Of course, because the Chinese police raided the "Free Tibet" flag factory and shut it down, assuredly all the anonymous Free Tibet morons are going to point out that this is yet another example of egregious human rights violations on behalf of the commies running the country. I never said China's government kicked ass, and I'd certainly prefer if they didn't do things like shut down contraband flag factories, imprison dissidents, or harvest organs from prisoners. However, if you're so fucking bothered about it that you plan to disrupt traffic, protest a competition that serves to foster international cooperation and unity, and generally get in everyone's way, make sure your fucking protest gear is human rights violations-free, you hypocritical losers.
Labels: capitalism, fuck Tibet, international intrigue, Olympics, retard rage, scathing indictments
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Olympics protestors are dumb
Awhile back, I douchebagged "Free Tibet" activists, and this inspired several pissed-off comments going off about China's human rights record and accusing me of hypocrisy, based on the notion that if I'm all "Yay, free speech!" I shouldn't call for the censorship of "Free Tibet" losers. I'd like to clarify that I wasn't calling for their censorship. I was just saying that I reserve the right to declare their protests (ie: scaling the Golden Gate Bridge to hang a big "Free Tibet" sign) stupid and fucking pointless. The protestors can continue to think that they're doing something meaningful to make the Chinese government accountable for their shabby human rights record and occupation of Tibet by whining about the Olympics, and China can keep being like "uh, fuck you, and by the way, continue to enjoy all those cheap Chinese-made products you consume like they're going out of style." In other words, way to waste time, losers. Get a real job.
Validating my theory that these protestors are morons if they think that bitching about the Olympics is going to make any headway whatsoever about the way China handles its business is this person trying in vain to raise awareness of how bad those commies are:
Uh...you mean besides this time we allowed Nazi Germany to host the Olympics?
Last time I looked, the 1936 Summer Games were held in Berlin, and yes, that sure is a swastika-rocking Hitler heiling the torch at the opening ceremonies of the XI Olympiad. Throwing the Olympics in Nazi Germany didn't stop us from delivering a good, old-fashioned American ass-kicking (by that I mean protracted, extraordinarily costly war on multiple fronts) to the Nazis three years later when they invaded Poland.
I'm not going to pay attention to some mouth-breathing idiot telling me that not watching (the disturbingly Manning-esque) Michael Phelps swim all over the competition come summer is my duty as a decent human being, when said mouth-breathing idiot's arguments against China are based on a woefully inadequate education in world history. I don't look to ignorant tools to inform myself about important global political affairs. If you want to hate on China for hosting the Olympics, then I suggest cracking a fucking book before you start making insightful comparisons with other infamously genocidal tyrannical governments.
Labels: free fucking speech, fuck Tibet, international intrigue, Olympics, politics, ranting, retard rage, sportsmen, tyrannical rulers
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