Monday, July 07, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: "I Love Money"
DOB: July 6, 2008
Occupation: shamelessly trashtastic reality awesomeness
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Current residence: Sundays on Vh1 at 9 p.m.
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: In the past, I have wholeheartedly enjoyed Vh1's series of shows involving legions of fame-hungry skanks competing for the hearts of William "Flavor Flav" Drayton, Tiffany "New York" Pollard, and Bret Michaels on "Flavor of Love," "I Love New York," and "Rock of Love," respectively. Therefore, when I heard that Vh1 was rounding a bunch of my favorite aspiring rappers, former strippers and stars of the pro/am porn circuit, and assorted rejects from these shows and pitting them against one another for $250,000, I enthusiastically vowed to watch every episode. This show is going to be incredibly trashy, abysmally low class, and utterly exploitive. In other words, it's exactly the kind of thing I will totally love and chatter about constantly.
In case you missed the many (awesome) shows which lent the "stars" of "I Love Money," let me introduce you to the fine people who have traveled to Cancun or wherever to compete in the ultimate debased attention whoring contest. Behold, the incandescent figures who will restore/maintain Vh1's status as the leader in premium skankified reality television:
12 Pack from "I Love New York"
12 Pack was the overmuscled male stripper/bodybuilder/Guido fist pumper extraordinaire from ILNY who, despite his excessive protesting about not being gay despite having obtained work as a peeler for the sausage set, declared him and the latently homoerotic Heat members of an exclusive club called the "Party Boys." When New York booted him, he bragged about how he wasn't upset because he was on his way back to New Jersey to "fuck the shit out of" his ex-girlfriend.
Brandi C. from "Rock of Love"
Brandi C. caught the eye of extension-sporting baldy Bret Michaels when Erin AKA "circus tits" reduced her to tears via disparaging comments about her "meth-scratched face." Apparently, Brandi's facial injuries resulted from a car accident rather than methamphetamine-induced self-mutilation, which she considered "a disability." Much like her competitor of the same first name, Brandi C. fell back on a time-honored RoL profession: semi-pro pornography. You can see her skank skills in action by Googling the term "Brittany Burke." Of her role on the show, Brandi says "this is my life...I NEED to be here." Seemingly the Fates sat down at their cosmic loom and wove "webcam slag turned Vh1 reality whore" into the fabric of Brandi C.'s destiny.
Chance from "I Love New York"
After New York rejected him in the season 1 finale, Chance announced he was "about to go blow a blunt" and stormed off ranting about Tango, the "Ninja Turtle-lookin' motherfucker" that New York chose instead. Chance wound up vindicated when Tango dumped New York on the live reunion show, as even though he was such a character that New York's insane mother offered him $5000 to leave the show, he claimed to have too much class to drop New York on national TV. Chance is also famous for trying to promote his rap group, the Stallionaires (named for his family's horse-rearing business), and coining the term "water dogs" to describe dolphins. Judging by the number of Stallionaires money sign-adorned scarves and hats he dons, Chance definitely loves money, so I'm sure he will make a formidable competitor.
Destiney from "Rock of Love 2"
This bisexual stripper spells her name "Destiney." Enough said. Wait...is she a stripper? I just assume that everyone from RoL has worked in the sex industry at one point or another.
The Entertainer from "I Love New York 2"
Hailing from Queens where he lives with his parents, The Entertainer became notable when he tried to kick ILNY2 winner Tailor Made's ass at family dinner. The Entertainer's mother proceeded to get into a vicious war or words with New York's mother Sister Patterson, and ultimately New York sent him packing. The Entertainer has now stated that, if he wins the $250,000 grand prize, he will spend it on moving out of his mom's house.
Heat from "I Love New York"
Heat was deprived of his chain by New York because he claimed that in the hierarchy of women in his family, she would be entitled to eat last after his mother and his ya-ya. New York didn't take kindly to Heat feeding his familial matriarchs while she "starved," and sent him off. However, Heat didn't sit idly by. Along with his fellow entrepreneur and partner in drunken latent homoeroticism 12 Pack, Heat began touring the Jersey Shore club scene as one half of the "Party Boys." I'm sure he's going to make some smart investments with his winnings, and by "smart investments" I mean he's going to buy out the supply of Jaeger bombs at every 18 and over club in Bridgewater.
Heather from "Rock of Love" AND two awesome standout episodes of "Rock of Love 2"
Heather is the crazy hotness. Not only does she have the world's most refined taste in clothing and is singlehandedly keeping Aqua Net in business, she actually went to far as to tattoo "Bret" on her neck to show her love for the aging Mr. Michaels. Unfortunately, neither the tattoo, her talents at pole dancing, or her willingness to have orgies with whatever other willing skanks happen to be living in the RoL house were enough to win Bret's heart. I'm glad that Heather hasn't let heartbreak interfere with her career in televised drunken sluttery.
Hoopz from "Flavor of Love"
Hoopz beat New York out for Flavor Flav's affection in the original FoL, and then promptly dumped Flav (supposedly for T.I. which is a definitive upgrade in the short rapper department), because he is butt ugly. Unfortunately, Hoopz's triumph in FoL has not resulted in a meaningful celebrity career, and thus she's giving Vh1 another go-round. I suspect Hoopz will be a real contender matched only by the aforementioned elegant and sophisticated Heather.
Megan from "Rock of Love 2"
Since crying over the rejection Bret Michaels gave her, Megan has recovered and gotten "old has-beens" out of her system. She also discovered her calling, which apparently is rescuing retarded Chihuahuas. Given that she said her ambition is to build a house with a glass-ceilinged room so she can "tan even when it's cold out," I'm wondering if she isn't a case of a dog lover selecting a pet with a matching personality.
Midget Mac from "I Love New York 2"
I LOVE Midget Mac. In fact, I was so upset when he was eliminated from ILNY2 that I douchebagged New York. He's like two feet tall, he can't swim, he's some kind of rap video hype man, and his thoughts regarding his prospects are "I only nervous when the condom breaks." This is probably a reasonable concern, as he has two bastard kids and is thus accustomed to receiving what Lil' Wayne calls "that 'I think I'm late' text." He also apparently hates women, and refuses to apologize to Brandi C. for calling her a ho despite Rodeo's reasonable mediating. Unbelievably, Midget Mac got booted last night for his lack of "mental stability." Like the man himself, his tenure on "I Love Money" was apparently short and sweet acrimonious.
Mr. Boston from "I Love New York"
In last night's episode, Mr. Boston introduced himself by admitting that he posts his most recent STD testing results on his bedroom door as extra incentive for visiting ladies to venture in. Brandi C. later described his patented "Boston charm" as "creeptastic creeperson." Nonetheless, based on "mental abilities only," Whiteboy selected Boston for his team, which Boston later attributed to "Jews stick together, especially on shows called 'I Love Money.'" I suspect that it's actually more because of Mr. Boston's inexplicable talents at stripping.
Nibblz from "Flavor of Love 2"
A professional dominatrix when not being rejected by Flavor Flav for working in the sex industry, I can only imagine that Nibblz's gravitas as a mistress in the BDSM-for-hire scene is increased by the fact that she lisps unbelievably around her mouthful of piercings. She seriously says things like, "I'm going to dethtroy thethe bitctheth". I bet hearing her say dominatrix things like "Bow to your mithtress" and "Bend over and thpread 'em, thlave!" makes her clients submit like what.
Pumkin from "Flavor of Love"
Pumkin made New York's career when she spit on her during a fight on "Flavor of Love." New York went berserk, threw herself at Pumkin like a rabid weasel, and literally swore to "cut that bitch in half." Several years later, New York is still threatening to bisect her enemies on yet another Vh1 reality series revolving around her craziness, and Pumkin is still spitting for the camera whenever she gets a chance in the desperate hope of remaining relevant as that middle-aged-looking 20-year-old who spit on New York.
Real from "I Love New York"
Chance's brother and fellow Stallionaire, Real claims to be more centered than his tempestuous younger brother and seemed deeply saddened when New York sent his long-haired Jermaine Dupri-looking ass back to the horse farm in ILNY. I can't wait to see what happens when he competes against his family for 250,000 clams rather than the heart of the woman with the most ridiculous breasts on the planet.
Rodeo from "Rock of Love"
Bret sent Rodeo packing because she wouldn't shut up about her kid, and because he seemed to instinctively know that Rodeo was too mature and grounded to ever succeed as his television-selected girlfriend. However, Rodeo is back to prove Bret wrong about that by joining the skanks in Mexico to prove her love of money and Z-list reality fame.
Toastee from "Flavor of Love 2"
Toastee's brief dalliance with low-rent porn got her booted by Flavor Flav (who, despite his constant "WOOOOWWWW"-ing about women's bodies, is ostensibly a family man too good for dating a homemade porn star. While I think this is patently unfair, I have to admit that Flav probably dodged a bullet. During the intro show, Toastee showed viewers around her house in Pennsylvania, which is filled with disturbing roadkill taxidermy. She also wants to use her financial winnings to attend med school, presumably an offshoot of her interest in dissection and dead animal art. I think she might actually be a budding serial killer.
Whiteboy from "I Love New York"
According to Whiteboy, he's participating because he has "bills to pay and cars to buy, and investments to invest in." Spoken like the true would-be Jewish gangster he has fashioned himself to be. So far, Whiteboy has lived up to his self-styled hip-hop-influenced Meyer Lansky image and won an elusive team captain designation.
The only thing that could make this better is a guest appearance by Angelique (the incomprehensible French porn slag from RoL2), Tiffany (the incomprehensible drunk star of R. Kelly's "Rock Star" video from RoL who was constantly warning people against threatening her with a good time), Hottie (proud owner of the worst weaves–among MANY cheap extensions–appearing on FoL) and Lacey (the most evil roller derby skater in reality TV history from RoL). So, if you are remotely interesting or smart and you don't hate fun, you'll know exactly what you need to do Sundays at 9 p.m.: park your fat ass in front of the TV and switch the channel to Vh1!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Flavor of Love, I Love Money, I Love New York, media whores, Rock of Love, sluts, TV, Vh1
Monday, May 05, 2008
What Bret Michaels missed out on
Those of you who managed to stay awake throughout the entire seemingly interminable "Rock of Love 2" know that there were basically two brief periods when it seemed remotely entertaining: when giant-haired stripper Heather appeared to class things up in honor of Christ's rising this past Easter, and the three episodes that Angelique "I want to have some sex wiz Bret in zis pool" Morgan was grossing everyone out with her grotesquely enhanced physique. Angelique came out of the gate showing her ossified tits, and the story that she's shopping herself around via a "glamour modeling agency" (AKA a porn agent and escort service) broke soon after.
Amazingly, it appears that at least one taker hired Angelique's hardcore services. Another one of my esteemed Razzyphiles shot me this e-mail recently:
Anyway, I hadn't seen the link contained in this particular e-mail. If you click on it (and be advised, it's porn, and while there's no DP-ing, ass-to-mouth, double anal, bondage, enema play, or anything else that would fit in a scene from Belladonna's Fetish Fanatics series, it's still hardcore porn and thus NSFW), prepare to be disgusted. Apparently Angelique is hard up enough for work that she's resorted to doing what appears to be vanilla MILF porn ("COME AND WATCH THIS HOT MOMMA'S DO IT ALL"), although that's a bit of a misnomer. From what I could tell from "Rock of Love 2," Angelique has no children, and I can't imagine that the -ILF part of the acronym applies to anyone who isn't either blind or suffering from severe ergot poisoning. I mean...EWWWWWW.
Hey Razzy, I love your blog. Look I just wanted to shoot you this link in case you haven't seen it yet. Its your favorite rock of love girl working her new job. http://www.hardco-re.com/xyloc1k4d/tgp.htm -so yup, if you've already seen it, my bad. please don't make me a daily douche. peaceAlthough I may give the impression that I'm ruthlessly mean-spirited, I generally make it a policy not to douchebag Razzyphiles simply for sending me e-mail containing links I may have seen before. In fact, I generally don't douchebag Razzyphiles/anyone who starts an e-mail with "I love your blog" at all, unless they exasperate me with ceaseless begging for links to their appalling neo-Nazi websites, and that's only happened once. I love Razzyphiles, especially ones who take the time to e-mail me links on subjects I haven't written about for months. That signifies both loyalty and reading comprehension, and I'm a big fan of both.
Anyway, I hadn't seen the link contained in this particular e-mail. If you click on it (and be advised, it's porn, and while there's no DP-ing, ass-to-mouth, double anal, bondage, enema play, or anything else that would fit in a scene from Belladonna's Fetish Fanatics series, it's still hardcore porn and thus NSFW), prepare to be disgusted. Apparently Angelique is hard up enough for work that she's resorted to doing what appears to be vanilla MILF porn ("COME AND WATCH THIS HOT MOMMA'S DO IT ALL"), although that's a bit of a misnomer. From what I could tell from "Rock of Love 2," Angelique has no children, and I can't imagine that the -ILF part of the acronym applies to anyone who isn't either blind or suffering from severe ergot poisoning. I mean...EWWWWWW.
Briana Banks she is not. I purposely put up a picture that doesn't feature any tits, genitalia, or penetration shots so I'm in the clear in case certain litigious enemies of mine decide to get pissed about being associated with a "pornography" site, but the lack of the elements critical to a hardcore shot doesn't mean that this photo isn't any less vile. Not that Ambre (and yes, that's how she spells it), the chick Bret ultimately chose as the "Rock of Love 2" winner, is much better looking, but at least I don't have to swallow my own vomit seeing pictures of her like this. It appears that Bret dodged a bullet and a severe case of the clap when he sent Angelique packing to the low-budget gonzo MILF porn circuit. Frankly, it's the smartest move he made since reinvigorating his career by whoring himself out to Vh1's Celebreality machine.
Labels: gross, media whores, perversion, porn, Rock of Love, sluts, Vh1
Monday, March 24, 2008
An Easter miracle
Yesterday evening I was very excited to see that "Rock of Love 2" FINALLY had some action worth watching since the departure of the incomparable cartoonish French low-budget gonzo porn slut Angelique. Much like Christ before her, HEATHER returned from the grave with her giant hair, giant silicone boobs, and giant collection of garish sideless spandex stripper dresses from the skank clearance bin at Forever 21. Also unlike Jesus, instead of coming to redeem mankind's sins, Heather is coming to bring the drama in the form of drunken whorishness.
In case you didn't watch the original "Rock of Love," Heather was one of the final two hard-livin' slags competing for the affections of Poison lead singer Bret Michaels. She is a thirty-two year old stripper renowned for her acrobatic polework, revealing that she had engaged in group sex with Bret and the nefarious Lacey by screaming "I watched you suck his dick, bitch!," and getting "Bret" tattooed on the back of her neck. Heather is hard-livin' even as far as hard-livin' slags go.
Last night, Heather announced her arrival on "Rock of Love 2" by shouting, "I hope you brought your extra liver, bitches!" She was there to dig up dirt on the girls to assist with Bret's elimination, and wasted no time getting everyone to take body shots. That was followed by a truth or dare game involving naked cartwheel, inquiries as to whether or not certain girls had been "fucked in the ass," and lots of crying. Unfortunately, one of the girls tried a little too hard to impress Heather with her drinking, and this wound up happening:
All in all, I was pleased to finally see an entertaining episode of "Rock of Love 2." This season is boring and it needs some Heather spice. The producers seem to realize this because thankfully, next week Heather is going to Vegas with Bret and the remaining girls to "party like a rock star." They'll probably watch a lame Bret Michaels concert in the basement lounge of the Hard Rock or wherever, get shitfaced, and either a vicious catfight or a wasted threesome will ensue. They need to keep Heather on for the rest of the show.
Labels: alcoholism, nudity, Rock of Love, sluts, TV, Vh1
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Angelique from "Rock of Love 2" AGAIN
DOB: ????
Occupation: suitor of Bret Michaels, reality whore, would-be porn star
Hometown: France?
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I must have some great porn star-dar when it comes to figuring out which of Bret Michaels's prospective girlfriends has fucked on camera before. Last season I was all about "Amateur Facial" alumna Brandi M., and now the internets tell me that my current favorite Vh1 trainwreck ho is indeed currently looking for work. Yes, Angelique, the beat down French chick who came out the gate discussing her desire to "have some zex wis Bret in zis pool" and her multiple breast augmentations is in the market for a gig in porn. She's more than happy to do "Hardcore, Boy/Girl, Print, Interracial, Boy/girl/girl, Fetish, Bondage, (No Anal ), Fetish, Solo with Toys, Girl/Girl/Girl, Blow Jobs, Boy/Boy/girl," per her website anyway (and being that this is a porn "talent agency" website, I think it's implicit that the shit is NSFW). What's with the "no anal" clause? I would think that if you're down to get gangbanged, a little garden variety sodomy would be no problem for a slag like Angelique.
And what is with Angelique's insane lips? I think the collagen factory had to put their shit on backorder once she left her surgeon's strip mall storefront, because she cleaned out their entire supply. She looks like she should be jauntily rocking a sailor hat and quacking in rage at Huey, Dewey, and Louie, not marketing her herpetic snatch to the editors of Swank and the omega-list porn webcam circuit. She looks trashy even for a low-rent porn hooker (albeit a classy, front entry-only one).
That said, she is my favorite "Rock of Love" girl. Bret Michaels was smart to keep her around for another week. He should keep her around at least until she can have some zex wis him in zis pool, because that would be interesting, and that's much better for Bret's career than actually finding some boring broad with a couple tattoos and falling in love. Well, by "interesting" I mean gross, but at least in the presumably chlorinated pool Bret would probably have some measure of protection from the vermin representing Phylum Arthropoda that I suspect are crawling all over Angelique's nether regions. It would entertain!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, porn, Rock of Love, sluts, Vh1
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Angelique from "Rock of Love 2"
Name: Angelique
DOB: ???
Occupation: stripping, having discount breast augmentation and lip plumping injections
Hometown: somewhere in France
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: In case anyone is not clued into the premise of the masterpiece of "celebreality" known as Vh1's "Rock of Love 2," it's basically an effort to find a girlfriend for Poison's lead singer Bret Michaels from a cadre of washed-up musicians, strippers, and webcam whores. The girl who won the inaugural "Rock of Love," Jes, wound up hating Bret and made it sound like she was forced at gunpoint to participate, and now Vh1 is trying again to find the right girl for Bret and the ridiculous extensions that have replaced his bandana as his baldness amelioration technique of choice. Here's Vh1's unintentionally hilarious description of this show:
If there was ever any doubt about Bret Michaels' status as a Rock God, season one of Rock of Love put all those doubts to rest. The enormous success of the show proved two things: Bret continues to draw in fans by the millions -- and his appeal to women has never waned. The women who competed for Bret's heart in season one made one thing very clear from the very beginning -- they wanted Bret, and they were willing to do whatever they could to win his heart. Now, twenty new women will lay it all on the line for their chance at the ultimate rock-and-roll romance. And this time, it will be bigger and better than ever, because as any rock fan knows -- the best part of any rock-and-roll show is always the encore!In other words, this show is Bret's shot at staying relevant, as well as an excuse to treat the audience to clips of "Unskinny Bop" and "Every Rose Has its Thorn" (the go-to song of choice when Bret is tormented trying to select which slags "will face the cruel sting of elimination"). Naturally, Bret has all the tools necessary to select the beat groupie of his dreams: a fully stocked liquor cabinet, a bodyguard/butler, a pool, and a stripper pole. Too bad Bret doesn't even need to put these hookers through all the ridiculous extreme sports-based challenges, because I've already spotted the woman for him. She is French, and therefore the epitome of class and sophistication:
VH1 and 51 Minds Entertainment will give these twenty sexy, saucy ladies a chance to prove they have what it takes to win Bret's heart. After moving into a super-sized rock star mansion, the women will be put to the test. Each week, they will have to prove to Bret they are worthy of sharing his spotlight. They'll show off their own special talents, and demonstrate their mental and physical ferocity in an effort to win some much-coveted one-on-one time with Bret. Can they go all out in the high-adrenaline activities Bret loves, and still clean up for a sexy nightcap? Can they work together to protect Bret's progeny from a group of crazed super fans? And perhaps most importantly, can they fend off the fierce competition from the other women in the house also vying for Bret's attention and affection?
Girls who are successful in the challenges will reap the rewards afforded to a Rock God's companion: dates, presents and jet-setting trips that will truly embody what it means to "party like a rock star". The unfortunate women who fail to entice Bret will face the cruel sting of elimination. And as the world saw last season, the competition will be intense - because in the end, Bret will choose only one lucky lady to be his "Rock of Love".
Rock On!
Angelique doesn't rest on her laurels and let all her discount surgeon's hard work go to waste. She immediately gets busy demonstrating her talents and impeccably done physical enhancements by making herself right at home:
Okay, sing it with me...you know the words since it's been cued at least five times in this episode so far: Don't need nothin'...but a good time...how can I resist?
As the incomparable Robert Sylvester Kelly once said, "she comin' down the pole, no secret why I'm here...it's cause you keep my donk on swole." If Bret Michaels's donk is anything but "on swole" after such a performance he might want to talk to his doctor about options for managing his ED as well as his male pattern baldness.
Once bitten by the stripping bug, Angelique just can't stop. Later, Bret decides to photograph the girls, and Angelique decides that this is her chance to make a good impression.
Usually I detest all things French (except the food...I love me some cream sauces and steak au poivre), but in Angelique's case, I will make an exception. I expect her to be a beloved television personality on par with Omarosa, Tila Tequila, or even the inimitable Tiffany "New York" Pollard, at least assuming she can continue to "entice" the discriminating Mr. Michaels. Last episode she finished second-to-last, and I'm concerned that Bret's dumb ass might once again make the wrong choice. There is no better woman in this competition than Angelique. She is tres hot and sexy, and Bret would be a fool not to at least have sex wis her in zis pool.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, nudity, ridiculous absurdity, Rock of Love, sluts, Vh1
Monday, October 15, 2007
Vh1 Programming Executives, are you listening...?
LL Cool Jew and I were bemoaning the return of lame-ass Bret Michaels to "Rock of Love" the other day via phone, and we wound up having a lengthy discussion about our favorite trashy reality shows. I was talking with her about the few moments of "Celebrity Rap Superstar" that I had seen and enjoyed, but expressed my concern that the show's moments of greatness were too few and far between.
"You know, in priniciple it should be trashtastic enough for me to like, but it just doesn't quite take it to the level of awesomeness I require," I explained.
"Yeah, I see your point. The hilarity of Sebastian Bach badly rapping 'Bust a Move' has long ceased to amuse," LL Cool Jew assented.
"The moments of greatness are basically limited to any time that a certain player-ass pimp named Todd Shaw makes an appearance."
"ABSOLUTELY," LL Cool Jew fervently agreed.
"In fact, why the hell doesn't $hort Dog have his own reality show?" I mused, then was gripped with what a fabulous idea that would be. "I mean...OH MY GOD...can you imagine how awesome--how FUCKING awesome--'Flavor of Too $hort' would be as a show??"
LL Cool Jew and I were both dumbstruck by such a mind-blowingly amazing concept. Flavor Flav is a crazy, zany character for sure, but his lack of success at finding love with the deceitful social-climbing Hoopz and the rear-endowed Deelishis may be on account of his lack of skills when it comes to running hos. Todd "Too $hort" Shaw, on the other hand, got all his game from Oakland, California, and that game involves managing a flock of top-notches and getting head. Instead of getting clocks, the contestants retained each week can get a pimp slap and called a "Beeyotch!", a great honor coming from this most lauded of pimps. And for anyone who thinks that Too $hort couldn't carry a show comprising of him running a houseful of hoes, I would direct them to the cover of his Shorty the Pimp album, which proves otherwise:
I doubt that the flavor of an East Oakland player would be good, and according to the fate of the unfortunate teenage prostitute named "Blowjob Betty," it can even be fatal, but I bet it would be ratings gold! Vh1 needs to quit recycling Da Brat and Warren G and Flavor Flav and get a real player who is only trying to fuck a bitch, fuck trying to charm her. When he's through fuckin', bitches leavin' with nothing, and that's because he's making bankrolls for-rilla...and he could be making those bankrolls for Vh1. This is exactly the kind of thing that cable TV reality dating competitions need to stay fresh. Seriously, e-mail Vh1 and DEMAND "Flavor of Too $hort!" It's the best idea ever.
"You know, in priniciple it should be trashtastic enough for me to like, but it just doesn't quite take it to the level of awesomeness I require," I explained.
"Yeah, I see your point. The hilarity of Sebastian Bach badly rapping 'Bust a Move' has long ceased to amuse," LL Cool Jew assented.
"The moments of greatness are basically limited to any time that a certain player-ass pimp named Todd Shaw makes an appearance."
"ABSOLUTELY," LL Cool Jew fervently agreed.
"In fact, why the hell doesn't $hort Dog have his own reality show?" I mused, then was gripped with what a fabulous idea that would be. "I mean...OH MY GOD...can you imagine how awesome--how FUCKING awesome--'Flavor of Too $hort' would be as a show??"
LL Cool Jew and I were both dumbstruck by such a mind-blowingly amazing concept. Flavor Flav is a crazy, zany character for sure, but his lack of success at finding love with the deceitful social-climbing Hoopz and the rear-endowed Deelishis may be on account of his lack of skills when it comes to running hos. Todd "Too $hort" Shaw, on the other hand, got all his game from Oakland, California, and that game involves managing a flock of top-notches and getting head. Instead of getting clocks, the contestants retained each week can get a pimp slap and called a "Beeyotch!", a great honor coming from this most lauded of pimps. And for anyone who thinks that Too $hort couldn't carry a show comprising of him running a houseful of hoes, I would direct them to the cover of his Shorty the Pimp album, which proves otherwise:
Labels: Flavor of Love, I LOVE IT, LL Cool Jew, rap, Rock of Love, Too $hort, TV, Vh1
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Rock of Snore
Well, the great "Rock of Love 2" mystery has been solved. Vh1 announced that Bret Michaels is threatening us with a good time, and by "good time" I mean a whole new arsenal of gaudy flame-embossed cowboy hats, giant bandanas, and other male pattern baldness-disguising devices of a millinery persuasion. Yes, instead of getting Nikki Sixx or the awesomeness that would be Axl Rose's crazy and unruly ass, loyal devotees of Vh1 contrived dating trainwrecks like "Rock of Love" will be getting more of Bret boring us to death with his crappy new songs, bitching about his diabetes, and droning on about his passion for motocross or whatever. Of course, if Vh1 casts another bevy of strippers, amateur internet porn stars, and insane single mothers, then there will undoubtedly be plenty of entertaining moments.
There will be the odd implied orgy with Bret, vodka-fueled bitch fights, and drunken fishnet-rocking whores with pleather skirts and an Aqua Net addiction toppling off stripper poles to the tune of "Nothing But a Good Time." The prospect of having Bret around for another season, however, makes me want to make like my girl Brandi M. in the photo below and mime vomiting:
Bret sucks. Vh1 better not disappoint and bring in some crazy bitches to keep things entertaining, because if the increasingly bare-pated Mr. Michaels is the focus, I won't be able to stay awake through it. On the upside, however, at least they didn't cast Mark McGrath. I'd probably commit some type of terrorist-style suicide bombing if I had to spend my Sunday nights listening to clips from that madness-inducing "Fly" song that Sugar Ray unleashed upon the world like AIDS in a San Francisco bathhouse circa 1981.
And on that note, here's a memo to the production staff at Vh1: I've already heard enough "Every Rose Has its Thorn" to last a lifetime. STOP PLAYING THAT EVERY TIME BRET GETS A BLOW JOB FROM ONE OF THESE GONORRHEIC SLAGS! You don't play "Fight the Power" or "Don't Believe the Hype" every time a beclocked Flavor Flav walks out to greet his harem of skanks on "Flavor of Love," so lay off the Poison. I haven't heard "Unskinny Bop" so many times consecutively since I was nine years old. Come up with something fresh and no, I do NOT mean one of Bret's solo pieces. Just play some classic Def Leppard or something. It's practically the same thing, anyway.
There will be the odd implied orgy with Bret, vodka-fueled bitch fights, and drunken fishnet-rocking whores with pleather skirts and an Aqua Net addiction toppling off stripper poles to the tune of "Nothing But a Good Time." The prospect of having Bret around for another season, however, makes me want to make like my girl Brandi M. in the photo below and mime vomiting:
And on that note, here's a memo to the production staff at Vh1: I've already heard enough "Every Rose Has its Thorn" to last a lifetime. STOP PLAYING THAT EVERY TIME BRET GETS A BLOW JOB FROM ONE OF THESE GONORRHEIC SLAGS! You don't play "Fight the Power" or "Don't Believe the Hype" every time a beclocked Flavor Flav walks out to greet his harem of skanks on "Flavor of Love," so lay off the Poison. I haven't heard "Unskinny Bop" so many times consecutively since I was nine years old. Come up with something fresh and no, I do NOT mean one of Bret's solo pieces. Just play some classic Def Leppard or something. It's practically the same thing, anyway.
Labels: buttrock, Rock of Love, sluts, TV, Vh1
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Rock of Love 2 mystery update!
While combing the internet for clues on who might be the has-been rocker looking for love on "Rock of Love 2," I was pleased to see that I am not the only one who is obsessed with solving this mystery. Somebody posted the Craigslist ad soliciting bitches to audition to a LiveJournal, and it gives some tantalizing hints as to who it could be:
Nikki Sixx would be more tolerable than McGrath, but that will probably be boring. He was a crazy fool back in the Crue's heyday, mainlining Jack Daniels and being dead for 11 minutes from overdosing on heroin and whatnot, but he's all sober now, and sobriety usually translates to lame reality TV. How is the bassist formerly known as Frank Carlton Serafino Ferrana, Jr. going to create a remotely interesting minute of televistion if he's not taking body shots off some stripper's busted fake tits? And how annoying is it going to be when the "Rock of Love 2" producers cue "Girls, Girls, Girls" for every other scene. I should just thank my lucky stars it's not Vince Neil. I had one of the hottest sex dreams ever about YOUNG Vince Neil when I was in college (which, now that I think about it, was probably symptomatic of being bisexual, into long blonde hair, and my positional preference of doggystyle), but old Vince Neil is another story. For one thing, I don't know what dude was eating the last 20 years, but clearly Motley Crue has come a long way from the early days when they had so little money all four guys would have to split an order of McDonald's fries for dinner, because he is SUPERSIZED. He also apparently went to Tara Reid's surgeon for his cheek implants, which are not augmented by that fag shag hair he's sporting. Vince Neil is a corpulent distortion of the glam hotness he was circa the "Looks that Kill" video, and watching him have threesomes with webcam whores and unemployed strippers is a most unappealing prospect. GROSS!
Seriously, bring on the Axl Rose or David Lee Roth! We need someone who drinks and is known for being an unmitigated asshole prone to spontaneous fistfights, hissy fits, tantrums, and other assorted immature behaviors. That's not really Nikki Sixx anymore, and that's DEFINITELY not Mark McGrath. Vh1 needs to take me to the Paradise City, where the action is contrived and the skanks are dumb and bitchy. PLEASE! AXL!
VH1 Casting New Show with a ROCKSTAR!I'm thinking that with that name-dropping, the bachelor in question is somewhere on that list. Tommy Lee and Kid Rock are still famous enough to be prominently featured fighting at the VMAs. They are too big for Vh1 Celebreality, so it's probably not them. That leaves Mark "Sugar Ray" McGrath and Nikki Sixx as viable candidates. I can only pray to God that it's Nikki Sixx because if I have to watch twelve weeks worth of McGrath's frosty-tipped ass running around I'll probably make like a trite bumper sticker and kill my television. I hated that "IIIIIIII...just wanna fly" song that Sugar Ray had like ten years ago, I hate Mark McGrath on "The Insider" or whatever "ET"-wannabe trash he's on, and I hate him even more than Tranny Antin, the astonishingly dumb contestants, and Lil' Kim's weaves on "Search for the Next Pussyclot Doll." Still, I'd probably watch it because I'm a sucker for train wrecks, and you know that only the stankest of stank whores would consider trading their dignity for a romantic dalliance with Mark McGrath.
Reply to: VH1Talent@SandraDeeCasting.com
Date: 2007-08-31, 1:30PM CDT
Casting Directors and Producers of Rock of Love, The Surreal Life, America’s Most Smartest Model, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, and Charm School.....are looking for sexy, single, females, ages 21 and up, to date a FAMOUS ROCKSTAR on VH1!
The ROCKSTAR starring with you is yet to be determined, but have you ever dreamed of dating someone like Tommy Lee, Dave Navarro, Mark McGrath, Kid Rock, Nikki Sixx or any other hot famous sexy rocker? This could be your chance!
CASTING: FEMALES ages 21 and up!
Models, musicians, artists, rocker chicks, and all fun single girls! Must be sexy, personable, energetic, edgy, hip, trendy!!! Tattoos, Wild hair, and a ROCK N’ ROLL personality are a PLUS!!!
To be considered, email to : VH1Talent@SandraDeeCasting.com
Be sure to include the following:
1. Name
2. Age
3. Best Contact #
4. A few pics of yourself
5. And what city you live in
Casting Tour is as follows:
CHICAGO: Aug 27th – Sept 7th
PHOENIX: Sept 20th - Sept 27th
VEGAS: Sept 27th - Oct 4th
YOU MUST BE AVAILABLE TO AUDITION IN EITHER OF THESE 3 CITIES!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE LET US KNOW WHICH IS BEST FOR YOU!!!!!!!
Nikki Sixx would be more tolerable than McGrath, but that will probably be boring. He was a crazy fool back in the Crue's heyday, mainlining Jack Daniels and being dead for 11 minutes from overdosing on heroin and whatnot, but he's all sober now, and sobriety usually translates to lame reality TV. How is the bassist formerly known as Frank Carlton Serafino Ferrana, Jr. going to create a remotely interesting minute of televistion if he's not taking body shots off some stripper's busted fake tits? And how annoying is it going to be when the "Rock of Love 2" producers cue "Girls, Girls, Girls" for every other scene. I should just thank my lucky stars it's not Vince Neil. I had one of the hottest sex dreams ever about YOUNG Vince Neil when I was in college (which, now that I think about it, was probably symptomatic of being bisexual, into long blonde hair, and my positional preference of doggystyle), but old Vince Neil is another story. For one thing, I don't know what dude was eating the last 20 years, but clearly Motley Crue has come a long way from the early days when they had so little money all four guys would have to split an order of McDonald's fries for dinner, because he is SUPERSIZED. He also apparently went to Tara Reid's surgeon for his cheek implants, which are not augmented by that fag shag hair he's sporting. Vince Neil is a corpulent distortion of the glam hotness he was circa the "Looks that Kill" video, and watching him have threesomes with webcam whores and unemployed strippers is a most unappealing prospect. GROSS!
Seriously, bring on the Axl Rose or David Lee Roth! We need someone who drinks and is known for being an unmitigated asshole prone to spontaneous fistfights, hissy fits, tantrums, and other assorted immature behaviors. That's not really Nikki Sixx anymore, and that's DEFINITELY not Mark McGrath. Vh1 needs to take me to the Paradise City, where the action is contrived and the skanks are dumb and bitchy. PLEASE! AXL!
Labels: assholes, oh the horror, Rock of Love, TV, Vh1
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