Thursday, July 17, 2008
Workin for the Man: Today's Headlines in Business
Across the Big Apple, boredom reaches record-breaking levels. As the summer heat increases and fears for the economy compound, American business finds itself spiraling with even higher numbers of useless conference calls, canceled projects, strained communications and overall ennui.
Here are a few of the leading headlines from another hardworking, mind-numbing day of 9-to-5'ing.
Half-and-Half Shortage Strikes Exhausted Staff-base; 3 pm Slump Packs a Wallop; Freelancers Flee the Scene.
Outlook spazzed. Client Reschedules. Agency Scorned.
Fridge to Be Cleaned; Receptionist Sends Hostile Email. See "Lunch" on page 3
Smoke Break Interrupted by DNC Street Teams.
That Asshole Still Courting Lawsuit.
Scaffolding Removed; Passers-by No Longer Request Directions to Barnes & Noble.
Competing Tour Bus Ticket Vendors Target Same Overweight Family. Confusion Ensues.
Coworker Re-forwards Billy Dee Williams Smoothness Test; 5-bottle Smoothness Attained Once Again.
Popcorn Burned; Microwave Recovers in Seclusion. Office Coordinator Tracks Perp, Leades ID'd.
Toilet Paper Still Subject to Gravity, Sloth. See "Your Mom Doesn't Work Here So Clean Your Shit Up" on Page 7.
Rogue IM Interrupts Gchat Mid-keystroke - Male Art Director Accidentally Addressed as "Bandy-legged Snatch" in Chatting Misfire.
Thursday Drags; Life Passes.
Exact Change Required.
Here are a few of the leading headlines from another hardworking, mind-numbing day of 9-to-5'ing.
Half-and-Half Shortage Strikes Exhausted Staff-base; 3 pm Slump Packs a Wallop; Freelancers Flee the Scene.
Outlook spazzed. Client Reschedules. Agency Scorned.
Fridge to Be Cleaned; Receptionist Sends Hostile Email. See "Lunch" on page 3
Smoke Break Interrupted by DNC Street Teams.
That Asshole Still Courting Lawsuit.
Scaffolding Removed; Passers-by No Longer Request Directions to Barnes & Noble.
Competing Tour Bus Ticket Vendors Target Same Overweight Family. Confusion Ensues.
Coworker Re-forwards Billy Dee Williams Smoothness Test; 5-bottle Smoothness Attained Once Again.
Popcorn Burned; Microwave Recovers in Seclusion. Office Coordinator Tracks Perp, Leades ID'd.
Toilet Paper Still Subject to Gravity, Sloth. See "Your Mom Doesn't Work Here So Clean Your Shit Up" on Page 7.
Rogue IM Interrupts Gchat Mid-keystroke - Male Art Director Accidentally Addressed as "Bandy-legged Snatch" in Chatting Misfire.
Thursday Drags; Life Passes.
Exact Change Required.
Labels: FalloniusMonk, intentional buffoonery, Smeeberish
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Revenge of the Werds
The doctor is back after an agonizing internets-less stint. Following a quality chat with Diane in Mexico City, the problem is half-resolved and I'm back on the grid for more bitchery.
After a week like this, I'll need to revisit the tried and true favorite of my ridicule: the Professor. He's back in action in rare form with the second-cousin to English, and I have some jewels to share:
Appraised
This is a real word, you say to yourself. Well, yes, I know that, and so does he, apparently - it simply means something different when it flops from his mouth. In Profish, it means "apprised." For example, "Keep me appraised of the situation [developments/updates/etc.]." Cuz I guaran-fuckin-tee he's not asking that I assign him with a value.
Recognaissance
While this may be oneof the most brilliant mergers to hit the English market since the contraction "y'all," it is certainly not to be found in, on, or near a Webster-Merriam. This combines the fundaments of military intelligence with the basis of pyschology into one very special bubbling cauldron of business babble. Gold star.
Periodicity
I have no fucking idea what this means. I even heard it in context and don't know. The relief came when a colleague turned and said, "Did you just say say 'periodicity'?"
Augmentationally
A hexasyllabic mishap. All I understood was the intention "to expand, increase, boost." In doubt, I search for the root. One does what one can.
Activacious
I presume this means "with fervor." It came to me as "we need to take an activatious approach." In any event, a) that seems to be the case, and b) I might question the word "need" in this instance.
More to come, methinks, but couldn't let another day/memory slot go without making these fine specimen known. For next week, copy down these definit-at-ions three times and us-ilat-e in a sentence. Exam-inatory on Thursday. Class dismiss-osit-ed.
For previous smeebery, check it out:
http://www.razzy.org/RazzyBlog/archive/2006_10_01_archive.html
10/24 "Allow me to introduce myself"
After a week like this, I'll need to revisit the tried and true favorite of my ridicule: the Professor. He's back in action in rare form with the second-cousin to English, and I have some jewels to share:
Appraised
This is a real word, you say to yourself. Well, yes, I know that, and so does he, apparently - it simply means something different when it flops from his mouth. In Profish, it means "apprised." For example, "Keep me appraised of the situation [developments/updates/etc.]." Cuz I guaran-fuckin-tee he's not asking that I assign him with a value.
Recognaissance
While this may be oneof the most brilliant mergers to hit the English market since the contraction "y'all," it is certainly not to be found in, on, or near a Webster-Merriam. This combines the fundaments of military intelligence with the basis of pyschology into one very special bubbling cauldron of business babble. Gold star.
Periodicity
I have no fucking idea what this means. I even heard it in context and don't know. The relief came when a colleague turned and said, "Did you just say say 'periodicity'?"
Augmentationally
A hexasyllabic mishap. All I understood was the intention "to expand, increase, boost." In doubt, I search for the root. One does what one can.
Activacious
I presume this means "with fervor." It came to me as "we need to take an activatious approach." In any event, a) that seems to be the case, and b) I might question the word "need" in this instance.
More to come, methinks, but couldn't let another day/memory slot go without making these fine specimen known. For next week, copy down these definit-at-ions three times and us-ilat-e in a sentence. Exam-inatory on Thursday. Class dismiss-osit-ed.
For previous smeebery, check it out:
http://www.razzy.org/RazzyBlog/archive/2006_10_01_archive.html
10/24 "Allow me to introduce myself"
Labels: Hunter S. Thompson fetish, Smeeberish
Friday, October 27, 2006
Businese is the bee's knees
I started in on a rant about hookers and their umbrellas, but I don't want to make fun of anyone's mom.
Instead, it's back to old faithful: more Smeeberish. Today we take a fond look at my favorite of made-up shit, the art of business language.
For those of you fortunate enough to have protected your English by staying out of nine-to-fivin', you'll need to know that "business people" don't just make words up - they cushion each sentence with about six extra words, popping in adjectives, marring catch-phrases, and adding in impossibly irrelevant-but-commonly-accepted cliches in a failed attempt at plainspoken communication. That is: fluff, brought to you by the folks who charge an hourly rate. Take a peak, but steer clear of any conversation in which you hear these jewels. Wrecks your credibility to be within spitting distance...
A few smaple Werds:
Impactful, adj.
As in "We really need to come to the table with an impactful presentation." Offered up by the sacks of tits who don't understand that, say, POWERPOINT IS ALWAYS FUCKING BORING. And even if it weren't, one makes more of an impact with real words.
Pop v.
This little gem would be better seated on a Genuwine album than in the corporate slang. "How do we make it pop?" You and every high school boy in the country want to know, bud.
Onboard v.
To transfer information from one person or party to another, ie "We'll onboard her tomorrow during our 4 pm touchbase." So no, y'all, it does not mean to mount something stallion-style. Although that would give 'toucbase' a hole new shine...
Bandwidth n.
The capacity to accept new work in proportion to work already assigned, or in laymen's terms, "Can you handle this?" Par example, "Do you have the bandwidth to get me coffee, dance like a chicken, type up that report about Milwaukee chicken farms, and still polish my shoes in the next twenty minutes?"
synonym: how much do "you have on your plate."
Soft launch n.
Test run, control group, trial phase. NOT borrowed from NASA. NOT borrowed from the porn industry. A sober reality - it means checking the shit before going public.
Radar n.
Awareness of this or that bullshit thing, such as, "Is the reorg on your radar?" My apologies to the air traffic controllers of the wide, weird world.
Leverage v.
To steal or indulge in sloth. Call it plagiary, call it efficient, call it syner-fucking-gystic - a sin any way you spin it. It means taking shit you didn't do to pass the time.
And a few key Frases:
"At the end of the day..."
When the shit shakes out, or when all is said and done, or what matters most. More filler to keep the conch in the hands of the speaker. Usage: "At the end of the day, he's still a rat bastard psychotic even though he makes more money than I do."
"Out of pocket."
NOT "pay for yourself." NOT "expenses." NOT "cost of doing business." NOT "lost it while I was changing pants." It fucking means "ON VACATION." It fucking means "IN TRANSIT." As in, "Terrence, I'll be out pocket tomorrow having my balls waxed during the Debbie Does Dallas Web cast - I need a full report when I'm back in the office Monday."
"...from a _[insert noun here]_ perspective."
When it's not enough to say what you mean, that is "Does that cost more," or "Will this fuck up our schedule" - you have instead, "...from a cost perspective," or "...from a timing perspective." And my personal favorite, a recent highlight of a drab conference call: instead of "Will that be awesome?" one says, "...from a whizz-bang perspective." I'll admit it. I don't know if "whizz-bang" has two z's or not. I didn't learn English from DC Comics. Thanks be to the Almighty Whatsit that I didn't learn it in Midtown Manhattan.
The cure: curse more. From a talking perspective, expletives are far more fucking impactful and really make your shit pop when you move the needle to onboard some one to your goddamn point. And anyway, it secured me a huge fucking raise, not to mention a spot on this here blog-o-rific bitch-o-rama....
Instead, it's back to old faithful: more Smeeberish. Today we take a fond look at my favorite of made-up shit, the art of business language.
For those of you fortunate enough to have protected your English by staying out of nine-to-fivin', you'll need to know that "business people" don't just make words up - they cushion each sentence with about six extra words, popping in adjectives, marring catch-phrases, and adding in impossibly irrelevant-but-commonly-accepted cliches in a failed attempt at plainspoken communication. That is: fluff, brought to you by the folks who charge an hourly rate. Take a peak, but steer clear of any conversation in which you hear these jewels. Wrecks your credibility to be within spitting distance...
A few smaple Werds:
Impactful, adj.
As in "We really need to come to the table with an impactful presentation." Offered up by the sacks of tits who don't understand that, say, POWERPOINT IS ALWAYS FUCKING BORING. And even if it weren't, one makes more of an impact with real words.
Pop v.
This little gem would be better seated on a Genuwine album than in the corporate slang. "How do we make it pop?" You and every high school boy in the country want to know, bud.
Onboard v.
To transfer information from one person or party to another, ie "We'll onboard her tomorrow during our 4 pm touchbase." So no, y'all, it does not mean to mount something stallion-style. Although that would give 'toucbase' a hole new shine...
Bandwidth n.
The capacity to accept new work in proportion to work already assigned, or in laymen's terms, "Can you handle this?" Par example, "Do you have the bandwidth to get me coffee, dance like a chicken, type up that report about Milwaukee chicken farms, and still polish my shoes in the next twenty minutes?"
synonym: how much do "you have on your plate."
Soft launch n.
Test run, control group, trial phase. NOT borrowed from NASA. NOT borrowed from the porn industry. A sober reality - it means checking the shit before going public.
Radar n.
Awareness of this or that bullshit thing, such as, "Is the reorg on your radar?" My apologies to the air traffic controllers of the wide, weird world.
Leverage v.
To steal or indulge in sloth. Call it plagiary, call it efficient, call it syner-fucking-gystic - a sin any way you spin it. It means taking shit you didn't do to pass the time.
And a few key Frases:
"At the end of the day..."
When the shit shakes out, or when all is said and done, or what matters most. More filler to keep the conch in the hands of the speaker. Usage: "At the end of the day, he's still a rat bastard psychotic even though he makes more money than I do."
"Out of pocket."
NOT "pay for yourself." NOT "expenses." NOT "cost of doing business." NOT "lost it while I was changing pants." It fucking means "ON VACATION." It fucking means "IN TRANSIT." As in, "Terrence, I'll be out pocket tomorrow having my balls waxed during the Debbie Does Dallas Web cast - I need a full report when I'm back in the office Monday."
"...from a _[insert noun here]_ perspective."
When it's not enough to say what you mean, that is "Does that cost more," or "Will this fuck up our schedule" - you have instead, "...from a cost perspective," or "...from a timing perspective." And my personal favorite, a recent highlight of a drab conference call: instead of "Will that be awesome?" one says, "...from a whizz-bang perspective." I'll admit it. I don't know if "whizz-bang" has two z's or not. I didn't learn English from DC Comics. Thanks be to the Almighty Whatsit that I didn't learn it in Midtown Manhattan.
The cure: curse more. From a talking perspective, expletives are far more fucking impactful and really make your shit pop when you move the needle to onboard some one to your goddamn point. And anyway, it secured me a huge fucking raise, not to mention a spot on this here blog-o-rific bitch-o-rama....
Labels: grammar gestapo, ridiculous absurdity, Smeeberish
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Allow me introduce myself...
It's FalloniusMonk in the house, ham bones, here to bring the funk. For the noise, you gotta hunt me down.
First off - a what up and a thank you to the Good Doctor for having me here tonight. Nowhere else I'd rather kvetch.
Now let's start this up with an exploration of my favorite new and old form of communication, a staple of drunkards and dip-shits everywhere: Smeeberish.
Smeeberish, thus dubbed by my Cali-based broham Chris "the City of" Compton, is the art of almost-English. The art of better-luck-next-time speaking.
It requires a special mind to speak it and an even more special mind not to fucking notice when people look at you like an asshole. The world is supersized when it skips the filter between his mind and his mouth - if it a word has two syllables, he upgrades to three or four. Four syllables, inflation takes it to five - so on and on, until you hear it come at you like German, and alls you can say at the end of the sentence is, "Can you repeat the question?"
Today's Smeeberish award goes to a kid we'll call the Professor. To sir with love.
Quotes first:
"They have beefs with us."
"The challenge for me is very challenging."
"If you want good sausage, you have to put in good meat."
"I feel convicted about this."
"I'm in the process of jettissing."
And now for high quality Smeebish nuggets:
'Anomany' for anomaly' - ie "It's almost an anomany." Yes. Almost.
'Ancilliary' for ancillary - Next to correct, at least
'Uniformimity' for uniformity - uh....
'Explorate' for explore - A line of demarcation, indeed.
'Expectorate' for expect - Exactly.
And my favorite: Ec Cetera. Oh yes. So on and on....
Hope that elucidates - rather, eluciditates. As a great man once said, "You better believe it. Cuz it's fucking happening."
In our next episode, I find out the details of his SAT verbal breakdown.
First off - a what up and a thank you to the Good Doctor for having me here tonight. Nowhere else I'd rather kvetch.
Now let's start this up with an exploration of my favorite new and old form of communication, a staple of drunkards and dip-shits everywhere: Smeeberish.
Smeeberish, thus dubbed by my Cali-based broham Chris "the City of" Compton, is the art of almost-English. The art of better-luck-next-time speaking.
It requires a special mind to speak it and an even more special mind not to fucking notice when people look at you like an asshole. The world is supersized when it skips the filter between his mind and his mouth - if it a word has two syllables, he upgrades to three or four. Four syllables, inflation takes it to five - so on and on, until you hear it come at you like German, and alls you can say at the end of the sentence is, "Can you repeat the question?"
Today's Smeeberish award goes to a kid we'll call the Professor. To sir with love.
Quotes first:
"They have beefs with us."
"The challenge for me is very challenging."
"If you want good sausage, you have to put in good meat."
"I feel convicted about this."
"I'm in the process of jettissing."
And now for high quality Smeebish nuggets:
'Anomany' for anomaly' - ie "It's almost an anomany." Yes. Almost.
'Ancilliary' for ancillary - Next to correct, at least
'Uniformimity' for uniformity - uh....
'Explorate' for explore - A line of demarcation, indeed.
'Expectorate' for expect - Exactly.
And my favorite: Ec Cetera. Oh yes. So on and on....
Hope that elucidates - rather, eluciditates. As a great man once said, "You better believe it. Cuz it's fucking happening."
In our next episode, I find out the details of his SAT verbal breakdown.
Labels: grammar gestapo, Hunter S. Thompson fetish, Smeeberish
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