Monday, January 07, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Anna O'Malley
Name: Anna O'Malley
DOB: 1967
Occupation: "data entry specialist," hot unwitting victim
Hometown: ?
Current residence: Brooklyn, New York
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: One day, Anna O'Malley was just minding her own business when her phone started blowing up with calls from seeming perverts. I imagine at first she was confused, then a little scared, then pissed as hell upon realizing that this was a result of somebody getting up to some asshole mischief on Craigslist. According to the NY Daily News:
Fake Craigslist post offered sex for cashAh, this fake call-me-for-sex Craigslist posting brings back memories. Memories of happy, carefree days past in which a dumb bitch named Tejratan Bindra (Smith '07) took exception to mean things I wrote about her dorm room on my blog and orchestrated the following similar attack on my privacy and well-being, in which I was "besieged" by correspondence from "men hungry for sex:"
BY CARRIE MELAGO
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER
Sunday, January 6th 2008, 4:00 AM
Men hungry for sex besieged a Brooklyn woman with phone calls after spotting a bogus ad on Craigslist that said she was looking to turn tricks to pay off Christmas debt.
Anna O'Malley, 40, was stunned to learn someone with the e-mail address igotjunglefever@gmail.com posted an ad Jan. 2 offering sex for cash using her name and telephone number.
"I'm a hardworking, honest person and I would never in my life post an ad like that," said O'Malley, who was awakened last week to more than a dozen calls.
The callers were responding to the racy ad, which read: "I'm a real hottie looking to earn extra cash to pay off Christmas debt."
The data entry specialist had to change her phone number.
"I don't want to constantly look over my shoulder," she said.
O'Malley said she was further peeved when Craigslist would not help her locate the pervert.
After one of the callers flagged the ad for O'Malley, it was taken down too fast for her to check if her home address or other personal information was listed. She also wasn't able to take down other details to give cops, she said.
Craigslist initially told O'Malley they could not turn over the ad without a subpoena. But after they were contacted yesterday by the Daily News, the Web site turned over the full text.
"We hope Ms. O'Malley will decide to pursue this, in which case we will look forward to assisting law enforcement in bringing the perpetrator to justice," CEO Jim Buckmaster said in a statement.
WHY did I not show Anna O'Malley's common sense and go to the damn Daily News when this happened to me? Granted, my fake Craigslist ad was offering to give it up for free rather than recoup holiday bills via prostitution, but still...I DID get more than a dozen calls. And the dumb bitch who put up the ad actually corresponded with one of the respondents and sent him to my apartment door. I strongly suspect that the aforementioned dumb bitch was able to obtain my personal information from Smith College's glorified alumnae network database. What later became known to Razzy historians as the Tej Offensive got out of control, and I went to the cops, who sent me to the FBI. Nothing happened because the harassment ceased as soon as I tattled on Tej to Smith College's Dean of Students. But I never thought of making like Anna and telling the Daily News (or better yet, the Post) about it! That was a smart move.
I should have gone to the press, not just because it would be awesome to have the CEO of Craigslist commenting on my predicament, but because it would have been sooooooooo embarrassing and distressing for Tej, who aspires to maybe go to law school, where she might be semi-interested in doing stuff about human rights. I can only imagine the look on her jowly face fretting about the prospect of her former bosses at the New York City Human Rights Commission opening their morning Daily News and seeing Tej's name in glorious ignonimous print. Kiss that recommendation from that oh-so-valuable Praxis-funded internship goodbye! Why didn't I think of that? Clearly, Anna O'Malley is a sage, and she must also be a real ball-busting bitch to have incurred an enemy serious enough to go the sexual-identity theft-on-Craigslist route. I hereby register my admiration.
Labels: comeuppance, crime and punishment, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Dumb Smith bitches, sexual assault, Tej Offensive, vengeance is sweet
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
If you're a blowjob-loving pervert looking for limos in Puyallup or Brandi M. sucking dick, you've come to the right place
Yesterday I was dicking around on my stats page, which is something I do whenever I'm feeling particularly webmasterly. Statcounter has all sorts of statistics I can look at for my amusement, like how long people stayed at my site, what pages they read, what websites referred them here, and the like. I idly clicked on "Recent Keyword Activity" to see what words were driving people to my site from Google, and immediately began laughing out loud:
I don't know how anyone wound up on my blog wondering about the resignation of the pastor of "Empowerment Temple" or who "G Brown" the jock asshole is, but everything else seems right on the money. I'm clearly all about fellatio, cumshots, show-stopping around my hometown in luxury chaffeur-driven vehicles, and "pussyeat dolls" (and that probably was NOT a typo), and if Polish Google directed someone elsewhere besides my site in a search for "slizzing hot game," then I'd say they got their algorithms totally twisted.
To make sure these search trends weren't a fluke, I checked out my keyword activity today, as well. In addition to being completely sure that much of my traffic these days is coming from dudes with a mouse in one hand and his dick in the other hunting for photos of Brandi M. demonstrating her prowess at sucking cock while attempting to flash her bedroom eyes at the webcam, I was pleased to see that I'm getting hits from people presumably enamored with the scorching Norse hotness that is Captain Sigurd Hansen of the F/V Northwestern and that my counterstrike against the Tej Offensive has been successful. I also wish desperately that I had pictures of a white guy (ideally Colonel John Matrix, Commando and current Governor of California) doing Rae Dawn Chong doggystyle.
I am so glad that people are still landing at my site when Googling Tej Bindra, because I plan to make her pay in character capital for as long as I own this damn domain. For those of you who are new to the site, Tej Bindra is an avowed Razzy Hater and all-around dumb Smith bitch who didn't appreciate my ridiculing her dorm room's profile in the Smith Alumnae Quarterly, and REALLY didn't like the e-mail I sent her a year later when she called me an assfuck and demanded a retraction in which I instructed her to eat me. Tej sought to retaliate by having some nefarious consort(s) of hers leave me threatening voicemails, post naked pictures of me on the internet, post more naked pictures of me on the internet, and impersonate me in the hopes that some Craigslist perv would inadvertently rape me. The whole thing worked out, because I got to meet some hot NYPD detectives, and because I vowed thereafter to ensure that RAZZY.org is the first thing potential employers or romantic interests see when they search the internets for "TEJ BINDRA." If that bitch thought making me fear for my sexual safety was a reasonable punishment for not taking down a relatively insignificant blog posting making fun of the room she shared with her dour, titless girlfriend in Wesley House back at my dear old alma mater, then she was dead fucking wrong. This should go to show that if you are some dipshit history major at a liberal arts college who thinks your feelings are paramount to everything else, you should consider VERY carefully the consequences of fucking with a shameless bitch with an internet audience. I hope that stupid, chunky twat is still peddling her worthless internship-replete CV all around the human rights non-profit circuit hoping desperately to come across one that doesn't check references or know about Google.
Anyway, the keywords have it. Not only am I getting the hits I want from the nasty sex pigs seeking free celebreality porn, connoisseurs of "slizzing hot game," and randoms looking for limos or model plastic RoboCops, but also I am getting revenge and man, it is sweet. I win again and as always! It rules being me.
I don't know how anyone wound up on my blog wondering about the resignation of the pastor of "Empowerment Temple" or who "G Brown" the jock asshole is, but everything else seems right on the money. I'm clearly all about fellatio, cumshots, show-stopping around my hometown in luxury chaffeur-driven vehicles, and "pussyeat dolls" (and that probably was NOT a typo), and if Polish Google directed someone elsewhere besides my site in a search for "slizzing hot game," then I'd say they got their algorithms totally twisted.
To make sure these search trends weren't a fluke, I checked out my keyword activity today, as well. In addition to being completely sure that much of my traffic these days is coming from dudes with a mouse in one hand and his dick in the other hunting for photos of Brandi M. demonstrating her prowess at sucking cock while attempting to flash her bedroom eyes at the webcam, I was pleased to see that I'm getting hits from people presumably enamored with the scorching Norse hotness that is Captain Sigurd Hansen of the F/V Northwestern and that my counterstrike against the Tej Offensive has been successful. I also wish desperately that I had pictures of a white guy (ideally Colonel John Matrix, Commando and current Governor of California) doing Rae Dawn Chong doggystyle.
I am so glad that people are still landing at my site when Googling Tej Bindra, because I plan to make her pay in character capital for as long as I own this damn domain. For those of you who are new to the site, Tej Bindra is an avowed Razzy Hater and all-around dumb Smith bitch who didn't appreciate my ridiculing her dorm room's profile in the Smith Alumnae Quarterly, and REALLY didn't like the e-mail I sent her a year later when she called me an assfuck and demanded a retraction in which I instructed her to eat me. Tej sought to retaliate by having some nefarious consort(s) of hers leave me threatening voicemails, post naked pictures of me on the internet, post more naked pictures of me on the internet, and impersonate me in the hopes that some Craigslist perv would inadvertently rape me. The whole thing worked out, because I got to meet some hot NYPD detectives, and because I vowed thereafter to ensure that RAZZY.org is the first thing potential employers or romantic interests see when they search the internets for "TEJ BINDRA." If that bitch thought making me fear for my sexual safety was a reasonable punishment for not taking down a relatively insignificant blog posting making fun of the room she shared with her dour, titless girlfriend in Wesley House back at my dear old alma mater, then she was dead fucking wrong. This should go to show that if you are some dipshit history major at a liberal arts college who thinks your feelings are paramount to everything else, you should consider VERY carefully the consequences of fucking with a shameless bitch with an internet audience. I hope that stupid, chunky twat is still peddling her worthless internship-replete CV all around the human rights non-profit circuit hoping desperately to come across one that doesn't check references or know about Google.Anyway, the keywords have it. Not only am I getting the hits I want from the nasty sex pigs seeking free celebreality porn, connoisseurs of "slizzing hot game," and randoms looking for limos or model plastic RoboCops, but also I am getting revenge and man, it is sweet. I win again and as always! It rules being me.
Labels: I LOVE IT, internet domination, perversion, Razzification, Razzy Haters, ridiculous absurdity, sex, Tej Offensive, vengeance is sweet
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Smith is Bitten
I don't know why Sarah Jessica Parker is always spoken of like she's some sort of high priestess of fashion. Most of the time I'll see her as Carrie Bradshaw wearing some absolutely fucking ridiculous getup on "Sex and the City," like some kind of cracked-out leopard printed bodysuit with a poodle skirt and a pair of five inch tall Manolos, and she'll throw this on to go to Blockbuster or the bank. I know when I have to run errands all over Manhattan, nothing is more practical than an $800 pair of the tallest stilettos I can find. The stupid outfits only serve to enhance my dislike for Carrie (obviously I totally relate to and identify with Samantha the old, outspoken, ball-busting, occasionally bisexual slut), and in no way inspires me to wear a chiffon skirt with a paisley bustier and a tartan toga belted around my chest.
In spite of a mountain of photos in outfits as similarly absurd as the one above proving otherwise, a lot of women still talk about SJP like she has this unbelievably superior fashion sense ordained by God himself, and she's laughing all the way to the bank. In addition to her perfume line and her ultimately acrimonious stint as a Gap spokesperson, she now is selling discount hoodies, capris, tank tops, and cargo pants. Presumably she's also selling a bunch of tacky charm bracelets and floppy fabric flowers to pin to one's shirt, since that kind of so-four-years-ago gaudy chic is her trademark. I do applaud her for making that money where she can, because SJP's got a now old-looking, horsey face, a husband on the down low, and a rapidly drying market for romantic comedies co-starring Matthew McConaghey and Terry "The Scourge of NFL Today" Bradshaw.
Anyway, SJP hired some models to help sell her new line calledOld Navy Bitten, and my friend BloodyTosser was one of them. However, she didn't hire any fact checkers, because although BloodyTosser looks great, they've got her shit all wrong:
First, the dumb assholes spelled "Northampton" incorrectly. Second, BloodyTosser last lived in Northampton EIGHT YEARS AGO. She is from London via Tripoli, and after leaving Northampton when we graduated Smith (as any Smith girl with the slightest shred of self-respect and desire for personal growth did), she lived in Chicago, and now Brooklyn. Then again, I get the feeling that Bitten will be ragingly popular at Smith. I can just see that Pumice Heather hoodie now on some portly American Studies major with a bowl cut and a HRC pin on her army green messenger bag, paired with a pair of drawstring frog-patterned flannel jammies, an INSPI(RED) spaghetti-strap tank, a pair of possibly sequined and/or rainbow flip-flops, and toting around the lyrics to the latest Prince song about to be butchered by the Smiffenpoofs or whatever her shiteous acapella troupe is called. BloodyTosser makes it look kind of tough and sexy, because she's hot, she's a badass, and she can kick the crap out of dudes twice her size in the Muay Thai fighting ring. However, every girl at Smith worthy of her striped hair bandana is going to buy this shit, and I predict there's going to be a lot of hirsute, North African vegetable stew-filled FUPAs straining the waistbands of many, many ill-advised low rise stretch chinos at the Cutter-Ziskind dining room come next fall.
BloodyTosser looks fabulous, and I think she should take more modeling jobs because she is a beautiful woman. However, I blame SJP for designing a line that will look like this on the average Smith girl, who in reality looks nothing like BloodyTosser: unremarkable and boxy, with arms like slabs of salt pork and oddly-placed adipose deposits that jiggle in all the wrong places. This prime specimen is exemplary of this phenomenon so prevalent at Smith, where a girl has no apparent tits or ass, but has disproportionally thick forearms, an ample chin, and the most dimpled lower abdomenal fat pad you've ever seen.
Okay, I'm kidding, that's Tej Bindra, and I just wanted to give her a shoutout since she completed matriculating last weekend and will undoubtedly now have non-profits eagerly Googling her to find out more about the vivacious young woman with the Praxis-funded worthless internship on her resume applying for the job in the mail room. In fairness, Tej might not be remotely as fly as BloodyTosser, but she is actually kind of a hottie by Smith standards. Most of the bitches in Little Suffragette City look like this:
Thank you, Sarah Jessica Parker, for ensuring that Smith will retain its place alongside filipinabride.com, the WNBA, and the Supreme Court on GQ's "Places Not to Look for Attractive Women" list for some time to come:
Anyway, SJP hired some models to help sell her new line called
BloodyTosser looks fabulous, and I think she should take more modeling jobs because she is a beautiful woman. However, I blame SJP for designing a line that will look like this on the average Smith girl, who in reality looks nothing like BloodyTosser: unremarkable and boxy, with arms like slabs of salt pork and oddly-placed adipose deposits that jiggle in all the wrong places. This prime specimen is exemplary of this phenomenon so prevalent at Smith, where a girl has no apparent tits or ass, but has disproportionally thick forearms, an ample chin, and the most dimpled lower abdomenal fat pad you've ever seen.
Thank you, Sarah Jessica Parker, for ensuring that Smith will retain its place alongside filipinabride.com, the WNBA, and the Supreme Court on GQ's "Places Not to Look for Attractive Women" list for some time to come:
Labels: BloodyTosser, celebrities, Dumb Smith bitches, fat fucks, hot chicks, intentional buffoonery, oh the horror, ranting, Sex and the City, Tej Offensive
Thursday, December 14, 2006
The ghosts of bitchery past
I just woke up from a dream in which all these people I've made fun of showed up in my lab to remind me of past blog-related transgressions. This Dickensian troupe of spirits included Tej and Katie, Kendra from "The Girls Next Door", failed country singer Razzy Bailey (complete with scary combover), Jade from "America's Next Top Model" cycle six, and former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. Instead of rattling their chains in a menacing, Jacob Marleyesque way, however, they were there for a different purpose. Well, Rep. Hastert just sat there croaking "Bud-weis-er", Jade snapped her fingers at me like some kind of demonic beat poet, Kendra wouldn't stop giggling and saying "aight", Razzy Bailey sang mournful tunes about his dog dying, and Katie didn't say a single word, but in the dream Tej told me that she had rethought her position, realized that my blog was very funny, wouldn't dream of depriving the world of its awesomeness by trying to frighten me into censoring myself, hoped that we could be friends, and asked if I'd dust off my white dress to wear in the alumnae parade on the Ivy Day before her graduation. By the end of the dream, Tej even hugged me tightly with her thick, meaty arms.
While I in no way believe this is the type of reception I would get if I were actually face to face with Tej in reality, it did get me thinking. Granted, the ghosts of bitchery future didn't appear next to show me my early grave (or more likely, me ruling the world, fucking Reggie Bush on the daily, and owning the Seahawks), but nonetheless I didn't want to feel like a big Scrooge without a single solitary shred of compassion. Although most of my heart (and my liver) are black and necrotic at this point in my life, this dream affected what was left of my viable cardiac tissue, and for that matter, the remnant of my soul that the ravages of age have not yet destroyed. I'm not going to stop making fun of people, or remove anything I've written, but I feel that it would be honest and fair to clear Tej's name of some of the wrongdoings I've accused her of. Also, since the legions of faithful Razzyphiles expressed concern about the whole Craigslist situation, I thought I should address this matter. Although at first it was funny (and if unsolicited penis pictures of ugly men were gold, I'd be richer than Bill Gates and Paul Allen put together), it eventually devolved into threats of sexual assault and identity theft, causing myself and others to worry for my safety and well-being, and prompting me to contact law enforcement. Thus, I figure I should provide an update on the ongoing investigation anyway to make certain that everyone, Razzyphiles and Haters alike, are up to speed. Who am I to ignore the promptings of my own subconscious?
As part of my own determination not to be cowed by "razzysux@gmail.com", I contacted Craigslist to find out if they could provide some information on the person at this e-mail address who posted my naked pictures and phone number in their "casual encounters" section. For some reason, I thought it was unlikely they would do anything besides send me some form e-mail telling me they would look into it and thanks for bringing it to their attention. Wrong! Apparently Craigslist isn't too fond of people who post other people's personal information in a pathetic attempt at harassment such as what "razzysux@gmail.com" did with me, so they immediately rolled on the perp and gave me his/her IP address. I subsequently did a DNS search, and determined to my surprise and shock that it was NOT from the Smith campus.
I was so certain that Tej was behind it, I had even contacted the Dean of Students at Smith to request that she determine if this was originating from Tej's room in Wesley House, and said Dean sent the file to Smith Public Safety and put their dicks on the case. I just could not imagine why someone would go to so much trouble and solely demand that I remove posts related to Tej from my blog if it wasn't Tej. Most people just don't care about other people enough to venture into felony territory on their behalf, and certainly random blog readers never get that righteously pissed about it. I mean, look at Ryan Benser. I posted his name, e-mail address, angry correspondence, and MySpace profile, and didn't hear a peep out of him or any angry Ryan Benser apologists (though in fairness all his "friends" are probably comprised exclusively of the internet porn stars he masturbates to, and they're too busy getting bukkaked to take up his cause). Nor do you see, for example, rabid Chloe Sevigny fans sending perverts to my front door in repayment for my besmirching her appallingly bad sense of style and taste in men a la Vincent Gallo. I reasoned that the only person who would go so far out of their way to harass and menace me to force me to remove posts about Tej Bindra was indeed Tej Bindra herself. Thus I was absolutely astounded to see that "razzysux@gmail.com" was posting on Craigslist from a private home in Billerica, Assachusetts.
Billerica is much closer to Boston than it is to Northampton, and it is certainly far enough away from Smith that it's not plausible as a home for any Smith student living off campus. Also, I was getting hits from Northeastern University's server, which has a campus in nearby Tewksbury, so I wonder if it's not some friend or relative of Tej's at Northeastern doing her dirty work on her behalf, or out of some misguided yet profound sense of loyalty. Since I am unable to determine the identity of the poster without serving a subpoena to their ISP, my investigation ends here. I passed the offending IP address on to the Federales, so as far as I'm concerned, it's in the FBI's hands now. The calls from creepy Craigslist guys have stopped, and even if "razzysux" does something untoward with my social security number, there's not much they can do. I make <$30K a year and live in New York City, so consequently, my credit sucks anyway. Have fun maxing out whatever piece of shit $200 credit limit Capital One card you get, or whatever. I've literally got "razzysux's" number, and so do the Feds, so if he/she foolishly decides to pursue the identity theft route, "razzysux" will be the person who pays dearly for it. I WIN. I didn't have to take a damn thing off my site except some copyrighted photos belonging to the Alumnae Quarterly, and I've resumed sleeping peacefully through the night.
However, just so Tej Bindra doesn't have to fret about being kicked out of Smith for being a dumbfuck unjustly accused of harassing me, I should add that I did inform Smith Public Safety about the IP address of the Craigslist person, thus exonerating Tej. Tej and all her friends can leave bitchy anonymous comments self-righteously accusing me of racism on the basis of being white and liking 50 Cent to their heart's content, and so long as they don't send depraved motherfuckers to my door expecting sex, they can rest easy knowing that their status as a matriculating Smith student will remain unchallenged. Getting Smith involved was not an attempt to seek revenge on Tej for disliking me or my blog, or calling me names, or sending poorly composed e-mails. I simply didn't want to end up being a case ripped from the headlines for an episode of what MillerTime called "SVU: Sugar Hill," and I felt that if law enforcement wasn't able to take action to protect me from the person actively sending dudes to my home presuming that they'll get to fuck me when they get there, the college certainly would. Supporting my theory that the culprit is an acquaintance of Tej's, there was radio silence from "razzysux@gmail.com" immediately after Smith Public Safety commenced their investigation, so I have a feeling that Tej called up her accomplice in Billerica and was like, "Dude, mission abort! I won't be able to stand it if my vague ambitions about becoming a human rights lawyer are crushed by expulsion from Smith in my senior year."
So, like I said, Tej can chill out. The only concerns she'll have about her future is that prospective employers/law schools might Google her and find out that she took the communication skills she learned at her summer internship with the New York City Commission for Human Rights and informed a resident of NYC that she's an assfuck for writing useless bullshit. I told Public Safety that it wasn't her posting to Craigslist, and (after giving kudos to my investigative work and praising my abilities as a writer) they graciously told me that if I felt they could assist in any way in the future, I should let them know. As much as I make fun of Smith, the college officials I dealt with, and particularly those in the Department of Public Safety, could not have been more professional, courteous, or attentive to this matter, and although I've already done so in correspondence, I'd like to thank them again publicly. This is in spite of the fact that my permanent record with the college contains a conviction for possession of a class D substance and candles, as well as several EXTREMELY critical articles I wrote about the Dean of the College (at one point, I believe I suggested she had learned how to deal with dissent from Joseph Stalin) and other administrators when I worked for the school paper, a stint during my sophomore year where I avoided academic probation by the skin of my teeth, a D in physics that I've openly attributed to skipping class to feed my "Beverly Hills, 90210" addiction, and video footage of me at my Commencement ceremony standing on my chair double-fisting bottles of Freixenet in clear violation of the "no-alcohol-at-graduation" rules. Despite my history as a student, and my current hobby of ranking on Smith students past and present mercilessly, the college took me utterly seriously and treated me with respect and consideration, and I am grateful for that. While I'm not going to stop making fun of Smith bitches at ALL (and I have some good stories about rugby parties and my two-year reunion on the back burner for future "Smith College Vault" entries), I will say to all the Smith-affiliated readers who were greatly upset by this whole incident that fortunately the criminal aspects of this furor did NOT originate in the college servers, and I could not have been happier with the way the college handled it. I even want to write a laudatory letter to the U.S. News and World Report in hopes of bringing Smith's precipitous descent in their Best Colleges rankings to a screeching halt.
So that's where this all stands now. I've cleared Tej's eminent name, gave Smith some well-deserved asskissery, solved the "razzysux" mystery, and can attend Christmas mass with the rest of Clan Razzy back in Puyallup with a clean conscience and nary a care in the world. I can now go back to cracking the cases I prefer (those containing frosty cold Heinekens), and resume business as usual: writing useless bullshit, massacring scores of innocent mice, geeking out over my FACS data and the History Channel, obsessing over my dogs, gearing up for the NFL playoffs, and pursuing hot, slutty guys to ravish. God bless us, every one.
While I in no way believe this is the type of reception I would get if I were actually face to face with Tej in reality, it did get me thinking. Granted, the ghosts of bitchery future didn't appear next to show me my early grave (or more likely, me ruling the world, fucking Reggie Bush on the daily, and owning the Seahawks), but nonetheless I didn't want to feel like a big Scrooge without a single solitary shred of compassion. Although most of my heart (and my liver) are black and necrotic at this point in my life, this dream affected what was left of my viable cardiac tissue, and for that matter, the remnant of my soul that the ravages of age have not yet destroyed. I'm not going to stop making fun of people, or remove anything I've written, but I feel that it would be honest and fair to clear Tej's name of some of the wrongdoings I've accused her of. Also, since the legions of faithful Razzyphiles expressed concern about the whole Craigslist situation, I thought I should address this matter. Although at first it was funny (and if unsolicited penis pictures of ugly men were gold, I'd be richer than Bill Gates and Paul Allen put together), it eventually devolved into threats of sexual assault and identity theft, causing myself and others to worry for my safety and well-being, and prompting me to contact law enforcement. Thus, I figure I should provide an update on the ongoing investigation anyway to make certain that everyone, Razzyphiles and Haters alike, are up to speed. Who am I to ignore the promptings of my own subconscious?
As part of my own determination not to be cowed by "razzysux@gmail.com", I contacted Craigslist to find out if they could provide some information on the person at this e-mail address who posted my naked pictures and phone number in their "casual encounters" section. For some reason, I thought it was unlikely they would do anything besides send me some form e-mail telling me they would look into it and thanks for bringing it to their attention. Wrong! Apparently Craigslist isn't too fond of people who post other people's personal information in a pathetic attempt at harassment such as what "razzysux@gmail.com" did with me, so they immediately rolled on the perp and gave me his/her IP address. I subsequently did a DNS search, and determined to my surprise and shock that it was NOT from the Smith campus.
I was so certain that Tej was behind it, I had even contacted the Dean of Students at Smith to request that she determine if this was originating from Tej's room in Wesley House, and said Dean sent the file to Smith Public Safety and put their dicks on the case. I just could not imagine why someone would go to so much trouble and solely demand that I remove posts related to Tej from my blog if it wasn't Tej. Most people just don't care about other people enough to venture into felony territory on their behalf, and certainly random blog readers never get that righteously pissed about it. I mean, look at Ryan Benser. I posted his name, e-mail address, angry correspondence, and MySpace profile, and didn't hear a peep out of him or any angry Ryan Benser apologists (though in fairness all his "friends" are probably comprised exclusively of the internet porn stars he masturbates to, and they're too busy getting bukkaked to take up his cause). Nor do you see, for example, rabid Chloe Sevigny fans sending perverts to my front door in repayment for my besmirching her appallingly bad sense of style and taste in men a la Vincent Gallo. I reasoned that the only person who would go so far out of their way to harass and menace me to force me to remove posts about Tej Bindra was indeed Tej Bindra herself. Thus I was absolutely astounded to see that "razzysux@gmail.com" was posting on Craigslist from a private home in Billerica, Assachusetts.
Billerica is much closer to Boston than it is to Northampton, and it is certainly far enough away from Smith that it's not plausible as a home for any Smith student living off campus. Also, I was getting hits from Northeastern University's server, which has a campus in nearby Tewksbury, so I wonder if it's not some friend or relative of Tej's at Northeastern doing her dirty work on her behalf, or out of some misguided yet profound sense of loyalty. Since I am unable to determine the identity of the poster without serving a subpoena to their ISP, my investigation ends here. I passed the offending IP address on to the Federales, so as far as I'm concerned, it's in the FBI's hands now. The calls from creepy Craigslist guys have stopped, and even if "razzysux" does something untoward with my social security number, there's not much they can do. I make <$30K a year and live in New York City, so consequently, my credit sucks anyway. Have fun maxing out whatever piece of shit $200 credit limit Capital One card you get, or whatever. I've literally got "razzysux's" number, and so do the Feds, so if he/she foolishly decides to pursue the identity theft route, "razzysux" will be the person who pays dearly for it. I WIN. I didn't have to take a damn thing off my site except some copyrighted photos belonging to the Alumnae Quarterly, and I've resumed sleeping peacefully through the night.
However, just so Tej Bindra doesn't have to fret about being kicked out of Smith for being a dumbfuck unjustly accused of harassing me, I should add that I did inform Smith Public Safety about the IP address of the Craigslist person, thus exonerating Tej. Tej and all her friends can leave bitchy anonymous comments self-righteously accusing me of racism on the basis of being white and liking 50 Cent to their heart's content, and so long as they don't send depraved motherfuckers to my door expecting sex, they can rest easy knowing that their status as a matriculating Smith student will remain unchallenged. Getting Smith involved was not an attempt to seek revenge on Tej for disliking me or my blog, or calling me names, or sending poorly composed e-mails. I simply didn't want to end up being a case ripped from the headlines for an episode of what MillerTime called "SVU: Sugar Hill," and I felt that if law enforcement wasn't able to take action to protect me from the person actively sending dudes to my home presuming that they'll get to fuck me when they get there, the college certainly would. Supporting my theory that the culprit is an acquaintance of Tej's, there was radio silence from "razzysux@gmail.com" immediately after Smith Public Safety commenced their investigation, so I have a feeling that Tej called up her accomplice in Billerica and was like, "Dude, mission abort! I won't be able to stand it if my vague ambitions about becoming a human rights lawyer are crushed by expulsion from Smith in my senior year."
So, like I said, Tej can chill out. The only concerns she'll have about her future is that prospective employers/law schools might Google her and find out that she took the communication skills she learned at her summer internship with the New York City Commission for Human Rights and informed a resident of NYC that she's an assfuck for writing useless bullshit. I told Public Safety that it wasn't her posting to Craigslist, and (after giving kudos to my investigative work and praising my abilities as a writer) they graciously told me that if I felt they could assist in any way in the future, I should let them know. As much as I make fun of Smith, the college officials I dealt with, and particularly those in the Department of Public Safety, could not have been more professional, courteous, or attentive to this matter, and although I've already done so in correspondence, I'd like to thank them again publicly. This is in spite of the fact that my permanent record with the college contains a conviction for possession of a class D substance and candles, as well as several EXTREMELY critical articles I wrote about the Dean of the College (at one point, I believe I suggested she had learned how to deal with dissent from Joseph Stalin) and other administrators when I worked for the school paper, a stint during my sophomore year where I avoided academic probation by the skin of my teeth, a D in physics that I've openly attributed to skipping class to feed my "Beverly Hills, 90210" addiction, and video footage of me at my Commencement ceremony standing on my chair double-fisting bottles of Freixenet in clear violation of the "no-alcohol-at-graduation" rules. Despite my history as a student, and my current hobby of ranking on Smith students past and present mercilessly, the college took me utterly seriously and treated me with respect and consideration, and I am grateful for that. While I'm not going to stop making fun of Smith bitches at ALL (and I have some good stories about rugby parties and my two-year reunion on the back burner for future "Smith College Vault" entries), I will say to all the Smith-affiliated readers who were greatly upset by this whole incident that fortunately the criminal aspects of this furor did NOT originate in the college servers, and I could not have been happier with the way the college handled it. I even want to write a laudatory letter to the U.S. News and World Report in hopes of bringing Smith's precipitous descent in their Best Colleges rankings to a screeching halt.
So that's where this all stands now. I've cleared Tej's eminent name, gave Smith some well-deserved asskissery, solved the "razzysux" mystery, and can attend Christmas mass with the rest of Clan Razzy back in Puyallup with a clean conscience and nary a care in the world. I can now go back to cracking the cases I prefer (those containing frosty cold Heinekens), and resume business as usual: writing useless bullshit, massacring scores of innocent mice, geeking out over my FACS data and the History Channel, obsessing over my dogs, gearing up for the NFL playoffs, and pursuing hot, slutty guys to ravish. God bless us, every one.
Labels: comeuppance, contrition, crime and punishment, Dumb Smith bitches, for serious people, retard rage, sexual assault, Tej Offensive, threats
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Cellmates
Since "razzysux" (AKA Tej Bindra or her roommate/cellmate) is now claiming to have my social security number and implying that I have an identity theft headache coming my way unless I take the posts about Tej down, I get to file a report today with the FBI! They have a very convenient online form for doing this.
Just to reiterate that I'm not going to let criminal threats force me into submission, I figured I'd share some of KatieScarlett's artwork with you. She went to art school after Smith, and you can see here that she knows what she's doing when it comes to Photoshop. Her brilliant work is a window into the future. Sadly, I doubt that Tej's cell at the federal penitentiary will have a balcony like her current crib at Smith:
[Image removed at the request of the copyright holder, and too fucking bad, because that image was FUNNY. Don't think I've caved to any poorly conceived extortion attempts, though...I'm just not one to fuck with copyright law and I can't afford to license the shit.]
KatieScarlett rewlz and is so kewl, LOL!
Just to reiterate that I'm not going to let criminal threats force me into submission, I figured I'd share some of KatieScarlett's artwork with you. She went to art school after Smith, and you can see here that she knows what she's doing when it comes to Photoshop. Her brilliant work is a window into the future. Sadly, I doubt that Tej's cell at the federal penitentiary will have a balcony like her current crib at Smith:
[Image removed at the request of the copyright holder, and too fucking bad, because that image was FUNNY. Don't think I've caved to any poorly conceived extortion attempts, though...I'm just not one to fuck with copyright law and I can't afford to license the shit.]
KatieScarlett rewlz and is so kewl, LOL!
Labels: crime and punishment, defiance, Dumb Smith bitches, KatieScarlett, Razzy Haters, Tej Offensive
Monday, December 04, 2006
I lied
That last post wasn't my last words on this bullshit. Since everyone seems so interested in this drama, I'll keep you all apprised. I just spent my morning talking about the possibility of undergoing an especially heinous sexually-based offense with the dedicated detectives of the elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit who investigate these vicious felonies. Well, okay, they weren't SVU, just the regular detectives who happened to be at my local NYPD precinct, but they were dedicated. They also made me feel a lot better.
When I walked into the precinct, I tried to explain the whole situation to the uniformed officer who took my initial statement. She didn't really get where this all started and she kept asking me if I had a copy of the e-mail. I wasn't sure which of the numerous e-mails she was referring to: the e-mails Tej sent me, the e-mails I sent her, the e-mails that I've been getting from "razzysux" who posted the Craigslist ads, or the roughly 100 e-mails I got from dudes hoping to spank me. Finally, exasperated, she said that I couldn't file a police report without a copy of the e-mail.
"What e-mail?!" I said, bursting into tears (believe it or not, I am actually capable of getting so upset that I cry). "I have like 100 e-mails about this, and I don't care about the e-mails or about Craigslist! I don't file police reports because I get mean or suggestive e-mail! I don't even file police reports because there are unauthorized naked pictures of me on the internet! I'm here because the person who put this stuff online TRICKED ONE OF THESE MEN INTO GOING TO MY APARTMENT PRESUMABLY TO HAVE SEX WITH ME! I DON'T THINK THAT I SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR THAT SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T LIKE WHAT I SAID ON THE INTERNET IS TRYING TO SET ME UP TO GET RAPED!" At this point I had worked myself into a complete frenzy and was really upset that the cops didn't even seem to think this was a problem. The officer noted this, looked very worried, and said, "I think you need to speak with the detectives about this."
I was promptly ushered into the detectives' room, which totally looked just like it does on "Law and Order" except way brighter and more cheerful. The detectives were exactly like I expected them to be: they had these awesome New Yawk accents and made lots of Detective Lenny Briscoe-esque wisecracks, such as the one where my situation was compared with what "in the old days" could be accomplished by writing a girl's number in a bathroom stall and saying to call for a good time. I told them the whole story, and showed them my website, a few exemplary e-mails, the Craigslist post screen capture I took and posted, etc. The detective summarized: "so you basically just write about anything and everything under the sun, and try to be funny about fuckin' with people?" I explained the whole story to this detective, who assured me that the Craigslist stuff was aggravated harassment. However, being that the lead suspect (AKA TEJ BINDRA Smith College '07) lives in Massachusetts, it's hard to investigate without getting the Computer Crimes division of the NYPD involved. The Computer Crimes division will only get involved if they can prove that someone actually came to my door, and did so at the behest of someone unlawfully representing me, or if they appear to be threatening me. However, what the detectives can do is monitor the situation, and, if someone does come to my door, "get rough with 'em like people say we do." If that occurs, and the person at my door rolls on the person who is obviously not me that sent them there and happens to mention that they were given my address via e-mail, then something REALLY awesome happens: we get to call the FBI!
They told me that the NYPD will keep me safe in the city, but that conspiring to commit/orchestrate felony assault against someone over the internet is a federal crime. Since the FBI is VERY GOOD about tracking down where e-mails came from and things like that, it shouldn't be too hard to locate and ascertain the true identity of "razzysux" (ie: Tej Bindra, Wesley House, Smith College, Northampton, Assachusetts). That person would then be arrested and charged, and tried in FEDERAL COURT! That will, of course, be after she gets kicked out of Smith for abusing her access to alumnae personal contact information or Lexis-Nexis at Neilson Library to orchestrate sexual attacks on a woman who made a few jokes on a website that is admittedly 100% useless bullshit.
Therefore, I would advise whoever is doing this to step back and stop bothering me, because the only life you will be ruining will be your own. There is now a record of this, and all you have to do is something else to blow this up into a couple of federal agents showing up at your door to arrest you. Leave me the fuck alone.
When I walked into the precinct, I tried to explain the whole situation to the uniformed officer who took my initial statement. She didn't really get where this all started and she kept asking me if I had a copy of the e-mail. I wasn't sure which of the numerous e-mails she was referring to: the e-mails Tej sent me, the e-mails I sent her, the e-mails that I've been getting from "razzysux" who posted the Craigslist ads, or the roughly 100 e-mails I got from dudes hoping to spank me. Finally, exasperated, she said that I couldn't file a police report without a copy of the e-mail.
"What e-mail?!" I said, bursting into tears (believe it or not, I am actually capable of getting so upset that I cry). "I have like 100 e-mails about this, and I don't care about the e-mails or about Craigslist! I don't file police reports because I get mean or suggestive e-mail! I don't even file police reports because there are unauthorized naked pictures of me on the internet! I'm here because the person who put this stuff online TRICKED ONE OF THESE MEN INTO GOING TO MY APARTMENT PRESUMABLY TO HAVE SEX WITH ME! I DON'T THINK THAT I SHOULD HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR THAT SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T LIKE WHAT I SAID ON THE INTERNET IS TRYING TO SET ME UP TO GET RAPED!" At this point I had worked myself into a complete frenzy and was really upset that the cops didn't even seem to think this was a problem. The officer noted this, looked very worried, and said, "I think you need to speak with the detectives about this."
I was promptly ushered into the detectives' room, which totally looked just like it does on "Law and Order" except way brighter and more cheerful. The detectives were exactly like I expected them to be: they had these awesome New Yawk accents and made lots of Detective Lenny Briscoe-esque wisecracks, such as the one where my situation was compared with what "in the old days" could be accomplished by writing a girl's number in a bathroom stall and saying to call for a good time. I told them the whole story, and showed them my website, a few exemplary e-mails, the Craigslist post screen capture I took and posted, etc. The detective summarized: "so you basically just write about anything and everything under the sun, and try to be funny about fuckin' with people?" I explained the whole story to this detective, who assured me that the Craigslist stuff was aggravated harassment. However, being that the lead suspect (AKA TEJ BINDRA Smith College '07) lives in Massachusetts, it's hard to investigate without getting the Computer Crimes division of the NYPD involved. The Computer Crimes division will only get involved if they can prove that someone actually came to my door, and did so at the behest of someone unlawfully representing me, or if they appear to be threatening me. However, what the detectives can do is monitor the situation, and, if someone does come to my door, "get rough with 'em like people say we do." If that occurs, and the person at my door rolls on the person who is obviously not me that sent them there and happens to mention that they were given my address via e-mail, then something REALLY awesome happens: we get to call the FBI!
They told me that the NYPD will keep me safe in the city, but that conspiring to commit/orchestrate felony assault against someone over the internet is a federal crime. Since the FBI is VERY GOOD about tracking down where e-mails came from and things like that, it shouldn't be too hard to locate and ascertain the true identity of "razzysux" (ie: Tej Bindra, Wesley House, Smith College, Northampton, Assachusetts). That person would then be arrested and charged, and tried in FEDERAL COURT! That will, of course, be after she gets kicked out of Smith for abusing her access to alumnae personal contact information or Lexis-Nexis at Neilson Library to orchestrate sexual attacks on a woman who made a few jokes on a website that is admittedly 100% useless bullshit.
Therefore, I would advise whoever is doing this to step back and stop bothering me, because the only life you will be ruining will be your own. There is now a record of this, and all you have to do is something else to blow this up into a couple of federal agents showing up at your door to arrest you. Leave me the fuck alone.
Labels: crime and punishment, defiance, Dumb Smith bitches, Law and Order, Razzy Haters, Tej Offensive
My last words on this bullshit
Unfortunately, this post isn't going to be particularly funny, unless you find people trying to get me raped hilarious. All the fallout from me making fun of girls in the Smith Alumnae Quarterly was initially very amusing to me. I have a pretty thick skin resultant from a year of publicly writing useless bullshit and having people respond to it by calling me a barrage of pejorative terms. I've had people wish herpes upon me, tell me I'm fat and/or ugly and/or a big old slut about a thousand different ways, and suggest that I'm racist/classist/fill-in-the-blank-ist, etc.
Because of this thick skin, I can deal with my boss knowing about what I do on this website, angry e-mails, and even having my cell phone number posted on Craigslist next to naked pictures of me. This information is available on the internet, and using said information is no different that what I did with Tej and every other Smith girl on the internet. You can, for example, look up Tej's name on Google and find the Alumnae Quarterly piece, and since her e-mail address is readily available on Smith's website, I didn't put anything about her that wasn't already easily accessible to anyone with an internet browser except my own personal opinion. If something is in the public domain, it's fair game. I found all of this reaction to the *terrible* crime of mocking people quite silly, albeit somewhat surprising, until last night when I got home from the bar where I was watching football.
I had several text messages and voicemails from a man who called on his way to my apartment, and then again after he had showed up at my place, buzzed me several times, and was put out when I didn't answer. I am VERY relieved that I wasn't home when this occurred, but I wanted to know how this happened. I texted this guy to tell him that I hadn't placed the Craigslist ad, and that it was unfortunate he had been misled into showing up at my home. Based on his response and the tone of his messages, I was under the impression that he genuinely thought that I had personally invited him over and given him my address. Since I did NO SUCH THING, and did not respond to any of the Craigslist people except those whose calls I happened to answer (and my response there was either to hang up or say "I didn't post that on Craigslist, quit calling me"), I can only assume that the person who originally posted the Craigslist stuff had corresponded with him. This would be easily accomplished given the Craigslist format.
For those of you not familiar with how Craigslist works, when you post something, they put an anonymous "reply-to" e-mail link so that people can respond to you without revealing your real e-mail address. Although the Craigslist posts contained my written-out Columbia e-mail, the person who posted as me on Craigslist gave their e-mail as the "reply-to" link. I know this because they stayed up all night Saturday forwarding me correspondence from dudes who had e-mailed the "reply-to" link to ensure that I didn't miss out on any of the dudes sending me pictures of their weiners and promising to do me like I allegedly wish to be done. I suspect that the person who posted these items on Craigslist replied to one of my prospective suitors and pretended to be me, expressed that I would want to meet up with him for a "casual encounter," and sent him my address. That's why I got messages from the dude saying things like, "I'm getting on the train to come to your place right now. Do you need me to pick up a six pack or anything? I should be there by halftime of the Giants-Cowboys game, and it looks like a good game. Not that we'll be spending most of our time watching football." Then I got another message saying "I'm outside your building, I've been buzzing you and there's no answer. Well, I know you're a very busy woman, and I'm not mad, just disappointed. I was really looking forward to hooking up with you." After I texted him saying that I hadn't put up the Craigslist post, he responded with an apology and opined that "nobody deserves to be pranked like that." I agree.
Calling me names on the internet is pranking. Putting my picture up on Craigslist with my home phone number and claiming that I want sex is more malicious, but since my address wasn't included on the Craigslist posts, that could still be considered pranking. A lot of voice mail and e-mail is annoying to delete, but it doesn't really put me in any type of danger. However, deliberately impersonating me, indicating to a stranger that he can expect sex when he arrives, and then sending him to my front fucking door is not a prank. It is a crime. I started to freak out to the point where I couldn't even concentrate on the Seahawks game, and went to my go-to guy in stalker situations to verify this: HotLawyer. He is a criminal defense attorney, and while he doesn't practice in New York, he knows all about what's a crime and what isn't. He informed me that pretending to be me with the intent of sending strangers to my house expecting sex is, depending on the statutes in New York, at the very least "criminal impersonation", and possibly felony accessory to attempted sexual assault. He advised me to file a police report if I was scared.
As much as I hate to admit it, I spent all last night tossing and turning, expecting my doorbell to be rung by a dude ready to ping-pong paddle my ass and stick his dick in me, thinking I have consented to it. I've seen fucking "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" episodes in which a rape and murder was perpetrated in this very manner. I was, indeed, very scared. Unless you're a spider, it takes a LOT to scare me, but this has accomplished it. The only thing that got me a couple fitful moments of sleep was the knowledge that I have Caesar and he barks and looks intimidating. While Caese sensed that I was upset and worried and consequently went into patrol mode (where he restlessly prowls all around the apartment to secure the perimeter), I know that in reality he is a gentle giant who is afraid of thunder and fireworks, and I can't really count on him for protection. Every time I'd start to drift off, I'd be jolted awake by the slightest noise and return to lamenting the fact that handgun permits are so expensive and difficult to obtain in New York City. Therefore, since I can't sleep, I'm heading off to my local precinct to file a police report. It's at least better than trying in vain to catch some shut-eye while simultaneously anticipating being victimized.
So I'm not going to write any more about this on the blog. When I tell people to bring it on, I mean they should step to me on the comment pages or start their own blog talking about what an asshole I am. I do not mean that they should go disturbingly out of their way to teach me a lesson by setting me up to possibly be raped. Whatever I have written in the interest of being funny, and whether anyone finds it offensive or not, nobody deserves that as a punishment.
Because of this thick skin, I can deal with my boss knowing about what I do on this website, angry e-mails, and even having my cell phone number posted on Craigslist next to naked pictures of me. This information is available on the internet, and using said information is no different that what I did with Tej and every other Smith girl on the internet. You can, for example, look up Tej's name on Google and find the Alumnae Quarterly piece, and since her e-mail address is readily available on Smith's website, I didn't put anything about her that wasn't already easily accessible to anyone with an internet browser except my own personal opinion. If something is in the public domain, it's fair game. I found all of this reaction to the *terrible* crime of mocking people quite silly, albeit somewhat surprising, until last night when I got home from the bar where I was watching football.
I had several text messages and voicemails from a man who called on his way to my apartment, and then again after he had showed up at my place, buzzed me several times, and was put out when I didn't answer. I am VERY relieved that I wasn't home when this occurred, but I wanted to know how this happened. I texted this guy to tell him that I hadn't placed the Craigslist ad, and that it was unfortunate he had been misled into showing up at my home. Based on his response and the tone of his messages, I was under the impression that he genuinely thought that I had personally invited him over and given him my address. Since I did NO SUCH THING, and did not respond to any of the Craigslist people except those whose calls I happened to answer (and my response there was either to hang up or say "I didn't post that on Craigslist, quit calling me"), I can only assume that the person who originally posted the Craigslist stuff had corresponded with him. This would be easily accomplished given the Craigslist format.
For those of you not familiar with how Craigslist works, when you post something, they put an anonymous "reply-to" e-mail link so that people can respond to you without revealing your real e-mail address. Although the Craigslist posts contained my written-out Columbia e-mail, the person who posted as me on Craigslist gave their e-mail as the "reply-to" link. I know this because they stayed up all night Saturday forwarding me correspondence from dudes who had e-mailed the "reply-to" link to ensure that I didn't miss out on any of the dudes sending me pictures of their weiners and promising to do me like I allegedly wish to be done. I suspect that the person who posted these items on Craigslist replied to one of my prospective suitors and pretended to be me, expressed that I would want to meet up with him for a "casual encounter," and sent him my address. That's why I got messages from the dude saying things like, "I'm getting on the train to come to your place right now. Do you need me to pick up a six pack or anything? I should be there by halftime of the Giants-Cowboys game, and it looks like a good game. Not that we'll be spending most of our time watching football." Then I got another message saying "I'm outside your building, I've been buzzing you and there's no answer. Well, I know you're a very busy woman, and I'm not mad, just disappointed. I was really looking forward to hooking up with you." After I texted him saying that I hadn't put up the Craigslist post, he responded with an apology and opined that "nobody deserves to be pranked like that." I agree.
Calling me names on the internet is pranking. Putting my picture up on Craigslist with my home phone number and claiming that I want sex is more malicious, but since my address wasn't included on the Craigslist posts, that could still be considered pranking. A lot of voice mail and e-mail is annoying to delete, but it doesn't really put me in any type of danger. However, deliberately impersonating me, indicating to a stranger that he can expect sex when he arrives, and then sending him to my front fucking door is not a prank. It is a crime. I started to freak out to the point where I couldn't even concentrate on the Seahawks game, and went to my go-to guy in stalker situations to verify this: HotLawyer. He is a criminal defense attorney, and while he doesn't practice in New York, he knows all about what's a crime and what isn't. He informed me that pretending to be me with the intent of sending strangers to my house expecting sex is, depending on the statutes in New York, at the very least "criminal impersonation", and possibly felony accessory to attempted sexual assault. He advised me to file a police report if I was scared.
As much as I hate to admit it, I spent all last night tossing and turning, expecting my doorbell to be rung by a dude ready to ping-pong paddle my ass and stick his dick in me, thinking I have consented to it. I've seen fucking "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" episodes in which a rape and murder was perpetrated in this very manner. I was, indeed, very scared. Unless you're a spider, it takes a LOT to scare me, but this has accomplished it. The only thing that got me a couple fitful moments of sleep was the knowledge that I have Caesar and he barks and looks intimidating. While Caese sensed that I was upset and worried and consequently went into patrol mode (where he restlessly prowls all around the apartment to secure the perimeter), I know that in reality he is a gentle giant who is afraid of thunder and fireworks, and I can't really count on him for protection. Every time I'd start to drift off, I'd be jolted awake by the slightest noise and return to lamenting the fact that handgun permits are so expensive and difficult to obtain in New York City. Therefore, since I can't sleep, I'm heading off to my local precinct to file a police report. It's at least better than trying in vain to catch some shut-eye while simultaneously anticipating being victimized.
So I'm not going to write any more about this on the blog. When I tell people to bring it on, I mean they should step to me on the comment pages or start their own blog talking about what an asshole I am. I do not mean that they should go disturbingly out of their way to teach me a lesson by setting me up to possibly be raped. Whatever I have written in the interest of being funny, and whether anyone finds it offensive or not, nobody deserves that as a punishment.
Labels: crime and punishment, defiance, Razzy Haters, Tej Offensive
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Thanks for the favor
I am amazed. Since whoever is putting me up on casual encounters placed another ad using my suggested "spank me with a ping-pong paddle and violate my anal tract" tagline, my voicemail is now full and I have about 800 e-mails to go through. Since many of these dudes sent pictures, I have an UNLIMITED assortment of possible Razzy's Rejects to choose from. Cool, or in what Dateline's "To Catch a Predator" leads me to believe is the preferred spelling employed by these internet perverts, kewl. I now can rest easy knowing that it will take me until roughly Christmas '09 to put all these creeps up on my site and make fun of them.
I suppose it's not really their fault that they wound up contacting me, but you know what? Big deal. Don't send pictures of your fucking uncut cock to strangers on the internet, especially if you're a creepy man posing in your "treasure room" full of Barbies and other toy-type shit used for luring underage kids into your den of molestation. Seriously, did you look at yourself in the mirror, dude? I mean, I'm not Gisele or anything, but come ON. I know I'm disproportionately WAY too hot to fuck this lazy-eyed ass clown:
So way to go, Dumb Motherfuckin' Ass Bitch or Tej or whoever went this route to seek retribution against me for writing useless bullshit on the internet. You just set up these not-really-very-innocent dudes up for RAZZY.org infamy when they thought they were just going to get laid. And while I'm sure your intent was to bother me or keep me awake with incessant incoming calls or whatever, I simply turned my phone off and got a good night's sleep. Now I'm going to spend the entire day watching football with Js and Ps and NeisMan, and since the bar we go to is in a basement, I don't get a cell signal there! Thus, it's business as usual here in Razzyville and you've done me a favor by sending so much Reject fodder my way. So thanks!
I suppose it's not really their fault that they wound up contacting me, but you know what? Big deal. Don't send pictures of your fucking uncut cock to strangers on the internet, especially if you're a creepy man posing in your "treasure room" full of Barbies and other toy-type shit used for luring underage kids into your den of molestation. Seriously, did you look at yourself in the mirror, dude? I mean, I'm not Gisele or anything, but come ON. I know I'm disproportionately WAY too hot to fuck this lazy-eyed ass clown:
So way to go, Dumb Motherfuckin' Ass Bitch or Tej or whoever went this route to seek retribution against me for writing useless bullshit on the internet. You just set up these not-really-very-innocent dudes up for RAZZY.org infamy when they thought they were just going to get laid. And while I'm sure your intent was to bother me or keep me awake with incessant incoming calls or whatever, I simply turned my phone off and got a good night's sleep. Now I'm going to spend the entire day watching football with Js and Ps and NeisMan, and since the bar we go to is in a basement, I don't get a cell signal there! Thus, it's business as usual here in Razzyville and you've done me a favor by sending so much Reject fodder my way. So thanks!
Labels: defiance, Dumb Smith bitches, internet domination, perversion, Razzy Haters, Tej Offensive, weiners
The best you can do is Craigslist casual encounters? Please.
So I just got home from a day which I thought was going to culminate in me having a speaker phone shouting match with a very angry woman who said that she's been waiting a long time for someone more competent at internet stalking than herself to post my personal information in a blog comment so she could call me up and tell me that I'm a dumb motherfuckin' ass bitch repeatedly. Oh, and I'm a racist, too. After that main point, she then unwisely tried to engage me in a loud-talking and interrupting competition, which anyone who knows me can tell you that I WOULD WIN. There are few people that can match me in volume and conversational aggression, and when you throw my eloquence in the mix, I'm pretty much like former Saints and Colts coach Jim Mora, Sr. in an argument. You had best just step the fuck back and shut the fuck up, because I will say meaner things than you can louder than you can, particularly when I'm fired up from a day of Bev Niner season one and pounding light beers with my bitches J-Sexy, JerseyGirl, and Rack. Anyway, the angry incompetent stalker tired me with her limited argument (apart from her reiteration of me being a "dumb motherfuckin' ass bitch", the only other cogent point of hers I understood was that I look like "a lab rat"), and my buddy Rack was ready for bed, so I hung up on her and retired to the uptown D train for my trip home.
My phone died on the way to the train while I was telling Morrissey'sHair about this crazy bitch calling me, as well as mentioning that I was walking by Jacob the Jeweler's store on 57th (in the diamond district, where my idol Lil' Kim flosses her Rolex rich shit). Since despite my asshole tendencies I'm impeccably courteous about saying "hello" and "goodbye" in phone conversations, I plugged in my phone as soon as I arrived home and took the d-o-double g's out for a neighborhood constitutional and a piss, and told Morrissey'sHair's voicemail goodbye. Immediately after hanging up, I heard my rather dated T.I. "What You Know" ringtone bragging about having keys by the three and when he chirps, shawty best chirp back, and the number was "restricted." I figured it was Dumb Motherfuckin' Ass Bitch, and answered it.
"Hello," I said in my frostiest, most bitchy tone.
"...Angie?" said a soft, creepy male voice, the sort of voice I associate with the guys on "To Catch a Predator" who tell the childlike-sounding actors entrapping them all about their intent to bring over a sixer of Bacardi O and how it won't hurt when they molest them.
"Angie's not available. This is Razzy you're talking to now, asshole. Is this about my website?" I demanded aggressively (in my real life, I'm equally unabashed, but fully embracing my internet alter-ego makes me totally tyrannical, ruthless, and ready to do some rape-the-women-and-kill-their-babies-in-front-of-them Mongol horde-style battle with morons that have nothing better to do than call me and yell at me for writing useless bullshit on my website. Angie has the tendency to be nice sometimes, so Razzy is the personality that handles all the dirty work).
"Website? Oh, yes," said Creepy Voice Guy.
"Well, spit it out. What's your problem with it? Are you going to call me a racist because I like R. Kelly? Does your fucking sister go to Smith, or what?"
There was a long pause.
"WELL?! I don't have all night!" I prompted, irritated. I was thinking, "Christ, if your sorry ass is going to tell me in the simplest language what an asshole/racist/ugly bitch I am, get on with it! I don't have the patience to put up with your fucking tortoise-esque pace. I have to get some sleep so I can get up early and watch football all day tomorrow."
"Um...Smith? Aren't you...weren't you...looking for some action?"
It was my turn to deliver a long pause. I'm always looking for some action, but not this variety. At first, I was like, great...not only people that totally hate me and wish female genital mutilation on me and advised me to carry mace in the interest of watching my dumb motherfuckin' ass bitch back (though I don't need that when I have an extremely loyal 110-lb. German Shepherd-Rottweiler named after the emperors of Rome, the lack of a criminal record necessary to easily get a semi-automatic handgun, and not a qualm in the world about getting one should I feel the need) have my phone number, but now weird creeps who want to fuck me do too. I've gotten a few e-mails from people who are like "your rejects page is funny LOLZ;p how about i cum over there and stroke ur sweet pussy call me pleeeeez!" When I get these, I just chuckle, think a couple "Are you fucking serious?" thoughts, and then try to get these guys to send me pictures of their weiners. To their credit, they're not usually THAT stupid. Initially I thought this phone call was either one of these guys jumping at the opportunity that some dumb Smith bitch posted all my personal contact info on the comment page, or some random dude that I gave my phone number to in one of many recent nights of drunken carousing. I decided that I would get to the bottom of this.
"So you're not calling to yell at me. You're actually trying to get laid, is that right?" I asked.
"Um...Craigslist said you were looking for some action. Your pictures are hot."
I see. This wasn't about directly about RAZZY.org. Since my (totally awesome) website has never been confused with Craigslist, I immediately deduced the reason for this call. Calling me a racist on my comment pages, posting my personal details, and making some pointless threats about telling on me to my not-giving-a-flying-fuck-about-my-blog PI has failed to make the haters feel satisfied that they've revenged whatever I did to offend them (pick one; my offenses are myriad). Therefore, they're playing dirty, and to prove that they spend most of what life they have hating me, they're putting my phone number and work e-mail in the "casual encounters" section of Craigslist.
"Look, dude, I have enemies, and I thought you were one of them. I was prepared to destroy you, but now I see that we've moved to more covert means of warfare than an outright guns-blazing showdown. Someone who is not me put that query on Craigslist," I explained to the creepy-sounding guy on the phone, who was presumably baffled by getting a MUCH different response than he anticipated for by being the unfortunate dude who called me first. He was totally silent in response to this. "So move on to the next casual encounter. I'm totally not going to fuck you."
"I'm so sor-" he began, but I hung up and cut him off, and immediately went to Craigslist. I had more pressing issues than listening to his apology.
I was expecting something much dirtier, like "Spank me with a ping-pong paddle while you violate my anal tract" or "Shit on me and make me your whore." Instead, I was disappointed to see that whoever thought of this stinging way to get back at me just left this lame posting:
Yeah, I'm really upset that you put me in my Halloween costume up there. I only posted that twice on my blog. I was hoping it would remain secret. And it's really embarrassing that you dug up that full-frontal picture of me from that old Kate and Camilla shoot I did months ago. Why didn't you just stick them all up there? Like this one:
Or this one, where I look especially pasty, a point that seems to be a favorite among my detractors. Also, I'm kind of fat!
I suppose that whoever did this would think that I'd be EXTREMELY upset that this was posted on Craigslist, but that whoever didn't factor in one important thing. I have NO SHAME, and my only concern is that you couldn't come up with anything more creative than "I like it NASTY", which is actually pretty accurate. And really, if anything this was helpful. I'm probably going to get all kinds of hilarious intended-to-be-enticing dick pictures in my e-mail inbox. Also, since whoever posted this probably thinks I'm ugly/have chicken legs/am otherwise physically revolting, I can now counter these arguments with the fact so far I've sent literally FIFTY calls from numbers I didn't recognize to voicemail and deleted roughly 15 "Il fuk u proper grl" text messages, and thus there's a lot of Craigslist perverts who would dispute your variations on the "your a ugly pale racist asshole" theme of badly spelled and totally boring comebacks.
If you want me to shut the fuck up about whatever I said that pissed you off, then STOP ENCOURAGING ME TO SAY MORE by doing shit like this. I will stop talking about you if I forget about you, and since I am blonde and totally self-absorbed, that will be immediately unless you continue to remind me that you exist, are stupid, and are determined to wage some petty war with me. It's like the war on drugs or terror, you assholes. You won't lose, but you sure as hell aren't going to win, either, so give it up and stop wasting everybody's time.
My phone died on the way to the train while I was telling Morrissey'sHair about this crazy bitch calling me, as well as mentioning that I was walking by Jacob the Jeweler's store on 57th (in the diamond district, where my idol Lil' Kim flosses her Rolex rich shit). Since despite my asshole tendencies I'm impeccably courteous about saying "hello" and "goodbye" in phone conversations, I plugged in my phone as soon as I arrived home and took the d-o-double g's out for a neighborhood constitutional and a piss, and told Morrissey'sHair's voicemail goodbye. Immediately after hanging up, I heard my rather dated T.I. "What You Know" ringtone bragging about having keys by the three and when he chirps, shawty best chirp back, and the number was "restricted." I figured it was Dumb Motherfuckin' Ass Bitch, and answered it.
"Hello," I said in my frostiest, most bitchy tone.
"...Angie?" said a soft, creepy male voice, the sort of voice I associate with the guys on "To Catch a Predator" who tell the childlike-sounding actors entrapping them all about their intent to bring over a sixer of Bacardi O and how it won't hurt when they molest them.
"Angie's not available. This is Razzy you're talking to now, asshole. Is this about my website?" I demanded aggressively (in my real life, I'm equally unabashed, but fully embracing my internet alter-ego makes me totally tyrannical, ruthless, and ready to do some rape-the-women-and-kill-their-babies-in-front-of-them Mongol horde-style battle with morons that have nothing better to do than call me and yell at me for writing useless bullshit on my website. Angie has the tendency to be nice sometimes, so Razzy is the personality that handles all the dirty work).
"Website? Oh, yes," said Creepy Voice Guy.
"Well, spit it out. What's your problem with it? Are you going to call me a racist because I like R. Kelly? Does your fucking sister go to Smith, or what?"
There was a long pause.
"WELL?! I don't have all night!" I prompted, irritated. I was thinking, "Christ, if your sorry ass is going to tell me in the simplest language what an asshole/racist/ugly bitch I am, get on with it! I don't have the patience to put up with your fucking tortoise-esque pace. I have to get some sleep so I can get up early and watch football all day tomorrow."
"Um...Smith? Aren't you...weren't you...looking for some action?"
It was my turn to deliver a long pause. I'm always looking for some action, but not this variety. At first, I was like, great...not only people that totally hate me and wish female genital mutilation on me and advised me to carry mace in the interest of watching my dumb motherfuckin' ass bitch back (though I don't need that when I have an extremely loyal 110-lb. German Shepherd-Rottweiler named after the emperors of Rome, the lack of a criminal record necessary to easily get a semi-automatic handgun, and not a qualm in the world about getting one should I feel the need) have my phone number, but now weird creeps who want to fuck me do too. I've gotten a few e-mails from people who are like "your rejects page is funny LOLZ;p how about i cum over there and stroke ur sweet pussy call me pleeeeez!" When I get these, I just chuckle, think a couple "Are you fucking serious?" thoughts, and then try to get these guys to send me pictures of their weiners. To their credit, they're not usually THAT stupid. Initially I thought this phone call was either one of these guys jumping at the opportunity that some dumb Smith bitch posted all my personal contact info on the comment page, or some random dude that I gave my phone number to in one of many recent nights of drunken carousing. I decided that I would get to the bottom of this.
"So you're not calling to yell at me. You're actually trying to get laid, is that right?" I asked.
"Um...Craigslist said you were looking for some action. Your pictures are hot."
I see. This wasn't about directly about RAZZY.org. Since my (totally awesome) website has never been confused with Craigslist, I immediately deduced the reason for this call. Calling me a racist on my comment pages, posting my personal details, and making some pointless threats about telling on me to my not-giving-a-flying-fuck-about-my-blog PI has failed to make the haters feel satisfied that they've revenged whatever I did to offend them (pick one; my offenses are myriad). Therefore, they're playing dirty, and to prove that they spend most of what life they have hating me, they're putting my phone number and work e-mail in the "casual encounters" section of Craigslist.
"Look, dude, I have enemies, and I thought you were one of them. I was prepared to destroy you, but now I see that we've moved to more covert means of warfare than an outright guns-blazing showdown. Someone who is not me put that query on Craigslist," I explained to the creepy-sounding guy on the phone, who was presumably baffled by getting a MUCH different response than he anticipated for by being the unfortunate dude who called me first. He was totally silent in response to this. "So move on to the next casual encounter. I'm totally not going to fuck you."
"I'm so sor-" he began, but I hung up and cut him off, and immediately went to Craigslist. I had more pressing issues than listening to his apology.
I was expecting something much dirtier, like "Spank me with a ping-pong paddle while you violate my anal tract" or "Shit on me and make me your whore." Instead, I was disappointed to see that whoever thought of this stinging way to get back at me just left this lame posting:
Yeah, I'm really upset that you put me in my Halloween costume up there. I only posted that twice on my blog. I was hoping it would remain secret. And it's really embarrassing that you dug up that full-frontal picture of me from that old Kate and Camilla shoot I did months ago. Why didn't you just stick them all up there? Like this one:
Or this one, where I look especially pasty, a point that seems to be a favorite among my detractors. Also, I'm kind of fat!
I suppose that whoever did this would think that I'd be EXTREMELY upset that this was posted on Craigslist, but that whoever didn't factor in one important thing. I have NO SHAME, and my only concern is that you couldn't come up with anything more creative than "I like it NASTY", which is actually pretty accurate. And really, if anything this was helpful. I'm probably going to get all kinds of hilarious intended-to-be-enticing dick pictures in my e-mail inbox. Also, since whoever posted this probably thinks I'm ugly/have chicken legs/am otherwise physically revolting, I can now counter these arguments with the fact so far I've sent literally FIFTY calls from numbers I didn't recognize to voicemail and deleted roughly 15 "Il fuk u proper grl" text messages, and thus there's a lot of Craigslist perverts who would dispute your variations on the "your a ugly pale racist asshole" theme of badly spelled and totally boring comebacks.
If you want me to shut the fuck up about whatever I said that pissed you off, then STOP ENCOURAGING ME TO SAY MORE by doing shit like this. I will stop talking about you if I forget about you, and since I am blonde and totally self-absorbed, that will be immediately unless you continue to remind me that you exist, are stupid, and are determined to wage some petty war with me. It's like the war on drugs or terror, you assholes. You won't lose, but you sure as hell aren't going to win, either, so give it up and stop wasting everybody's time.
Labels: defiance, Dumb Smith bitches, nudity, perversion, Razzy Haters, Tej Offensive, weiners
Friday, December 01, 2006
I ain't skerred
Yes, I know that "scared" was spelled phonetically in the style of modern rap music, but don't take that to mean that I am at all worried about the voicemail I got tonight, or that I'm a Grand Wizard in the Klan's Sugar Hill chapter.
Some small penis-sounding dude (Tej's brother? or high school ex? or Smith F2M tranny?) just left me a message on my phone implying that he was going to call my boss, or PI as we call it here inhell grad school. This person smugly wondered what my PI would say when he gets wind of my "extracurricular activities," and heavily implied that he was going to, for lack of a better term, tattle on me for being mean on the internet.
Let me first say that this is not the first time RazzyBlog is under fire with the administrative officials in my department. Earlier this June, I wrote about this dude who refused to provide me with head as a result of my own poor planning (ie: not purchasing condoms while I was drunk at 4 a.m. and buying cigarettes at some random West Village deli, but why is the condom purchase my job when I wasn't even sure I had closed the deal?) I wrote about this fucktard and didn't even mention his name, but he flipped out, threatened me with physical harm, and when that didn't compel me to remove the story of my sexual escapades with him, he sent my PI an e-mail. I promptly responded by asking my PI for a meeting.
In said meeting, I first explained what the whole hullabaloo was about: that this dude refused to go down on me. I was completely frank with him and didn't leave anything out, and he was very understanding. He told me that one of the reasons he chose an academic career was the fringe benefit of free speech. He told me that even if I wrote this asshole's full name, mentioned what lab he was in, and mocked his geek-journal bibliography (not that mine is so awesome), I still had the right to free speech, and it in no way affects what I do in the lab. I don't think he likes my blog, but he is an extremely smart man who doesn't give a rat's ass if people on the internet don't like me for any reason. So you can go on with your bad self, call him, and tell him all about his student Razzy's extracurricular activities. I've already told him that I blogged about and embarrassed a psychotic asshole in my own department, on the grounds that he wouldn't eat my pussy. I don't think he's going to care.
Some small penis-sounding dude (Tej's brother? or high school ex? or Smith F2M tranny?) just left me a message on my phone implying that he was going to call my boss, or PI as we call it here in
Let me first say that this is not the first time RazzyBlog is under fire with the administrative officials in my department. Earlier this June, I wrote about this dude who refused to provide me with head as a result of my own poor planning (ie: not purchasing condoms while I was drunk at 4 a.m. and buying cigarettes at some random West Village deli, but why is the condom purchase my job when I wasn't even sure I had closed the deal?) I wrote about this fucktard and didn't even mention his name, but he flipped out, threatened me with physical harm, and when that didn't compel me to remove the story of my sexual escapades with him, he sent my PI an e-mail. I promptly responded by asking my PI for a meeting.
In said meeting, I first explained what the whole hullabaloo was about: that this dude refused to go down on me. I was completely frank with him and didn't leave anything out, and he was very understanding. He told me that one of the reasons he chose an academic career was the fringe benefit of free speech. He told me that even if I wrote this asshole's full name, mentioned what lab he was in, and mocked his geek-journal bibliography (not that mine is so awesome), I still had the right to free speech, and it in no way affects what I do in the lab. I don't think he likes my blog, but he is an extremely smart man who doesn't give a rat's ass if people on the internet don't like me for any reason. So you can go on with your bad self, call him, and tell him all about his student Razzy's extracurricular activities. I've already told him that I blogged about and embarrassed a psychotic asshole in my own department, on the grounds that he wouldn't eat my pussy. I don't think he's going to care.
Labels: defiance, Dumb Smith bitches, Razzy Haters, Tej Offensive, threats
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Razzy: Pissing off officious Smith bitches since 1996
Last year, I wrote a post called "Fuck You, Smith Alumnae Fund" that actually started off being about Caesar's veterinary drama and ended up being a rant about the Smith Alumnae Quarterly cluttering up my mailbox with shameless attempts to solicit donations poorly disguised as boring feature pieces about various aspects of college life. I highlighted the profile of these two bitches Tej and Katie, who had a suite at Haven-Wesley with a balcony (!!!), and made fun of them.
Well, it seems that one of their friends got tired of staging rallies to free Mumia, shut down the World Bank, end the practice of female circumcision, or whatever the hell Smith girls are getting righteously outraged about these days, decided to surf the net seeking useless bullshit, and found this post. Said friend then forwarded it to Tej, who sent me some angry correspondence filled with weak insults and vague warnings of possible retribution. Seemingly Tej did not dig through my June 2006 archives to find out what I do to people who demand that I censor anything on my website because they don't like it. Remember Paula James? She was this single mother whose teenaged son found my blog in his unsupervised internet wanderings on MySpace, disapproved of the content, and then accused me of "harming children", started an online petition, and claimed to have retained counsel to sue me into oblivion for obscenity and slander. If Tej had read any of that, she would have probably thought twice about e-mailing me, because she would know that when I get e-mail like this, I immediately post it on my blog and have fun at the author's expense. Observe, bitch:
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
From: Tejratan Bindra (tbindra@email.smith.edu)
Subject: Fucked Up
A friend of mine sent me the link to your hateful and dreadful blog. You have no right to say the shit that you did about us especially since your a has-been from the Smith College campus. You need to grow up and not bitch people out without knowing them at all, and I can't believe that I'm writing this email to a 28 YEAR OLD! If you knew anything about us, which you clearly don't, we hated doing this more than you hated reading about it. We were coerced into doing this and it's not like we were able to have any control over the article or the pictures. You need to seriously take some zoloft and get over yourself. Oh and just for your information, that's not Second Sex I'm reading there...oh, and it's pretty retarded of you to think that we just hang out like that, rather than obviously thinking that it's a staged photo shoot.
WOW. GET A LIFE AND REMOVE OUR NAMES FROM YOUR DUMBASS BLOG...clearly you don't want anything to do with me and I'd rather have less to do with you.
Assfuck.
Yes, Tej, this is an excellent way to get someone like me to acquiesce to your demands: think up some lame insults, tell me to get a life, and call my blog hateful. Wait, not just hateful, but hateful AND dreadful. It was bad enough that the Smith Alumnae Association "coerced" them (with a deft combination of Inquisition-era torture tactics and false promises of getting them sweet jobs using the oh-so-powerful alumnae network, no doubt) to do a fluff feature piece on them for the Quarterly, but now I've gone and made fun of them too! That is simply not acceptable. Therefore, Tej took it upon herself to not only demonstrate to me that she is one of the legions unable to properly distinguish the possessive "your" from the contraction "you're" ("your a has-been from the Smith College campus"), but comes up with some stinging invective, like "you need to seriously take some zoloft." Ouch! I can only retort that I do not need zoloft to combat depression when I get plenty of happiness and amusement from making fun of idiots like Tej. The thing is, I do actually have the right to say (or more accurately, write) the shit I did. There is this document, which, despite being quite old, is still relevant, and it is called "The Bill of Rights." Item number one on that document, or the First Amendment to the United States Constitution as it's known, says that I do, in fact, have the right to say any type of shit. So Tej can kiss my gorgeous round ass.
Apparently this e-mail alone was not enough for Tej to get this off her chest. Before I even saw her first e-mail, she decided to send another one that was slightly more polite. By "polite," I mean in between continuing to exhort me to get a life and making some sly jabs about my age "destroying my soul," she uses "please" and "thank you." That's the kind of well-mannered, decent Smith lady who has earned her pearls and penny loafers. Nancy Reagan and Barbara Bush are glowing with pride somewhere about the quality of woman that their alma mater can produce.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
From: Tejratan Bindra (tbindra@email.smith.edu)
Subject: By the way...
I can't get over this, so I need to continue to bitch you out. First of all, way to misspell one of our names when it's right in front of your fucking face. Also, is life so miserable that you have the time to not only write this bullshit, but attach pictures and all that shit. You need to get a life! I know being 28 maybe destroying your soul, but really it's the prime of your life, why are you wasting away on 3 or 4 blogs?! Seriously though, please remove us from your blog...if you don't, I won't stop harassing you...I have a temper, I'm not going to lie.
Thank you.
Uh oh, Tej can't get over this and she's not going to stop harassing me. Since Tej is obviously so upset about this and plans on pursuing this beef indefinitely, it seems I'm not the only one who needs to get a life. I smell some baseless threats about litigation for slander coming my way! The only thing I'm slightly ashamed of is that I apparently spelled one of their names wrong, which is embarrassing because I take fact-checking VERY seriously here at RAZZY.org, except by "fact-checking" I actually mean drinking scotch, fucking swarthy rogues, and watching "Beverly Hills, 90210." Somehow I managed to overcome my extreme trepidation regarding what might happen if Tej really loses her legendary temper, and wrote her back:
To: Tejratan Bindra (tbindra@email.smith.edu)
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: Re: By the way...
You won't stop harassing me? Oh no!!! I might have to read more lame e-mail from you that I think implies I'm old and makes vague threats about how I should be concerned about your temper! That would be truly a fate worse than death. I mean, you might do something REALLY crazy like have a candlelight vigil or a panel discussion about it with your friends! I bet you could get the Noteables or some other shiteous acapella group to perform and you could all march around the Quad demanding justice. Of course, it would be totally useless, but back in my Smith days, it sure seemed to make lots of self-righteous bitches feel better about themselves.
I'm not removing a goddamned thing from my blog. I had totally forgotten about this
entry since it was almost a year old, and what I wrote about you was mainly to make two points:
1. Most Smith girls are fucking idiots, which you have just underscored with these e-mails in which you call me an assfuck and tell me to get a life, then expect me to actually accomodate your request and remove your and your partner in boobmashing's names from my blog. It's those kind of negotiating skills that will take you far once you graduate and go work for the Human Rights Campaign or whatever the hell you're going to do.
2. The Alumnae Quarterly is a terrible publication that writes lame stories such as the feature piece about your fortunes in the housing lottery, which does not inspire me to give a goddamn thing to Smith College except some bad press on my website.
Maybe they didn't cover this in whatever gender politics classes you've taken, but there's this thing called freedom of fucking speech, which entitles me to say whatever the hell I fucking please on my blog or anywhere else. In fact, it also entitles me to post your e-mails, which I am certain that I will do. Sex, beer, and football are the only things that I enjoy more than fucking with stupid Smith girls. However, I will make sure I spell your name right in the new entry.
Eat me, you dumb cunt.
Razzy
I can't wait until Tej drafts her online petition! Good times.
Well, it seems that one of their friends got tired of staging rallies to free Mumia, shut down the World Bank, end the practice of female circumcision, or whatever the hell Smith girls are getting righteously outraged about these days, decided to surf the net seeking useless bullshit, and found this post. Said friend then forwarded it to Tej, who sent me some angry correspondence filled with weak insults and vague warnings of possible retribution. Seemingly Tej did not dig through my June 2006 archives to find out what I do to people who demand that I censor anything on my website because they don't like it. Remember Paula James? She was this single mother whose teenaged son found my blog in his unsupervised internet wanderings on MySpace, disapproved of the content, and then accused me of "harming children", started an online petition, and claimed to have retained counsel to sue me into oblivion for obscenity and slander. If Tej had read any of that, she would have probably thought twice about e-mailing me, because she would know that when I get e-mail like this, I immediately post it on my blog and have fun at the author's expense. Observe, bitch:
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
From: Tejratan Bindra (tbindra@email.smith.edu)
Subject: Fucked Up
A friend of mine sent me the link to your hateful and dreadful blog. You have no right to say the shit that you did about us especially since your a has-been from the Smith College campus. You need to grow up and not bitch people out without knowing them at all, and I can't believe that I'm writing this email to a 28 YEAR OLD! If you knew anything about us, which you clearly don't, we hated doing this more than you hated reading about it. We were coerced into doing this and it's not like we were able to have any control over the article or the pictures. You need to seriously take some zoloft and get over yourself. Oh and just for your information, that's not Second Sex I'm reading there...oh, and it's pretty retarded of you to think that we just hang out like that, rather than obviously thinking that it's a staged photo shoot.
WOW. GET A LIFE AND REMOVE OUR NAMES FROM YOUR DUMBASS BLOG...clearly you don't want anything to do with me and I'd rather have less to do with you.
Assfuck.
Yes, Tej, this is an excellent way to get someone like me to acquiesce to your demands: think up some lame insults, tell me to get a life, and call my blog hateful. Wait, not just hateful, but hateful AND dreadful. It was bad enough that the Smith Alumnae Association "coerced" them (with a deft combination of Inquisition-era torture tactics and false promises of getting them sweet jobs using the oh-so-powerful alumnae network, no doubt) to do a fluff feature piece on them for the Quarterly, but now I've gone and made fun of them too! That is simply not acceptable. Therefore, Tej took it upon herself to not only demonstrate to me that she is one of the legions unable to properly distinguish the possessive "your" from the contraction "you're" ("your a has-been from the Smith College campus"), but comes up with some stinging invective, like "you need to seriously take some zoloft." Ouch! I can only retort that I do not need zoloft to combat depression when I get plenty of happiness and amusement from making fun of idiots like Tej. The thing is, I do actually have the right to say (or more accurately, write) the shit I did. There is this document, which, despite being quite old, is still relevant, and it is called "The Bill of Rights." Item number one on that document, or the First Amendment to the United States Constitution as it's known, says that I do, in fact, have the right to say any type of shit. So Tej can kiss my gorgeous round ass.
Apparently this e-mail alone was not enough for Tej to get this off her chest. Before I even saw her first e-mail, she decided to send another one that was slightly more polite. By "polite," I mean in between continuing to exhort me to get a life and making some sly jabs about my age "destroying my soul," she uses "please" and "thank you." That's the kind of well-mannered, decent Smith lady who has earned her pearls and penny loafers. Nancy Reagan and Barbara Bush are glowing with pride somewhere about the quality of woman that their alma mater can produce.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
From: Tejratan Bindra (tbindra@email.smith.edu)
Subject: By the way...
I can't get over this, so I need to continue to bitch you out. First of all, way to misspell one of our names when it's right in front of your fucking face. Also, is life so miserable that you have the time to not only write this bullshit, but attach pictures and all that shit. You need to get a life! I know being 28 maybe destroying your soul, but really it's the prime of your life, why are you wasting away on 3 or 4 blogs?! Seriously though, please remove us from your blog...if you don't, I won't stop harassing you...I have a temper, I'm not going to lie.
Thank you.
Uh oh, Tej can't get over this and she's not going to stop harassing me. Since Tej is obviously so upset about this and plans on pursuing this beef indefinitely, it seems I'm not the only one who needs to get a life. I smell some baseless threats about litigation for slander coming my way! The only thing I'm slightly ashamed of is that I apparently spelled one of their names wrong, which is embarrassing because I take fact-checking VERY seriously here at RAZZY.org, except by "fact-checking" I actually mean drinking scotch, fucking swarthy rogues, and watching "Beverly Hills, 90210." Somehow I managed to overcome my extreme trepidation regarding what might happen if Tej really loses her legendary temper, and wrote her back:
To: Tejratan Bindra (tbindra@email.smith.edu)
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: Re: By the way...
You won't stop harassing me? Oh no!!! I might have to read more lame e-mail from you that I think implies I'm old and makes vague threats about how I should be concerned about your temper! That would be truly a fate worse than death. I mean, you might do something REALLY crazy like have a candlelight vigil or a panel discussion about it with your friends! I bet you could get the Noteables or some other shiteous acapella group to perform and you could all march around the Quad demanding justice. Of course, it would be totally useless, but back in my Smith days, it sure seemed to make lots of self-righteous bitches feel better about themselves.
I'm not removing a goddamned thing from my blog. I had totally forgotten about this
entry since it was almost a year old, and what I wrote about you was mainly to make two points:
1. Most Smith girls are fucking idiots, which you have just underscored with these e-mails in which you call me an assfuck and tell me to get a life, then expect me to actually accomodate your request and remove your and your partner in boobmashing's names from my blog. It's those kind of negotiating skills that will take you far once you graduate and go work for the Human Rights Campaign or whatever the hell you're going to do.
2. The Alumnae Quarterly is a terrible publication that writes lame stories such as the feature piece about your fortunes in the housing lottery, which does not inspire me to give a goddamn thing to Smith College except some bad press on my website.
Maybe they didn't cover this in whatever gender politics classes you've taken, but there's this thing called freedom of fucking speech, which entitles me to say whatever the hell I fucking please on my blog or anywhere else. In fact, it also entitles me to post your e-mails, which I am certain that I will do. Sex, beer, and football are the only things that I enjoy more than fucking with stupid Smith girls. However, I will make sure I spell your name right in the new entry.
Eat me, you dumb cunt.
Razzy
I can't wait until Tej drafts her online petition! Good times.
Labels: Dumb Smith bitches, Razzy Haters, Tej Offensive
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