Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: okay, FINE, it's "The Hills" season 4!
Name: "The Hills" season 4
DOB: August 18, 2008
Occupation: making vacuous stupidity hot with all the kids
Hometown: West Hollywood, California
Current residence: sad but true, my TV (but only during Olympics commercials, I swear!)
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I need to stop fighting it. I need to just suck it up and accept the fact that I watch "The Hills" to the extent that it merits a tag on my website, I have a photo album on my Facebook page entitled "Whitney and Audrina," and I have openly discussed the fact that I think Justin "Bobby" Brescia is hot despite the fact that he's an indigent philandering hairdresser. Besides, I'm outed. Not only have I admitted to watching "The Hills" here, my friend JerseyGirl sent an update to the Smith Alumnae Quarterly advising all our fellow Smithies that watching said shitshow is our primary activity next to "Beverly Hills, 90210" parties. I'm so unfortunately afflicted with this "Hills" addiction that I actually have pathetic text exchanges such as this with my girlfriends:
JerseyGirl: Hills season premiere on at ten!Razzy: Why does it have to be during olympics?JerseyGirl: Dewd u must turn it on. It is so dumb its awesomeRazzy: I'm watchn some right now. LC is soooo dumb. And she looks 45!JerseyGirl: So dumb. Justin bobby is SO HOTRazzy: I wld hit that so hard for real.
Wait! That's not even the ONLY text conversation I had about this trash last night! There's more!
CorporateCard: Steamy steamy justin bobby. Boo lo! 1st commercial break was almost 10 min! superbowl for teens!Razzy: Truly! I gotta watch the rerun. I'm olympics crazy.
Never mind my feeble protests about watching the Olympics. At every commercial and/or pointless Bob Costas monologue, I flipped over to MTV to drink in the knuckle-dragging antics of Lauren "LC" Conrad, Audrina Patridge, Whitney Post, LC's bitchy childhood friend Lo, and LC's archnemesis and the McCain supporter I wish didn't exist, Heidi Montag. This season, LC goes on a date with a guy who's main distinguishing feature is that he drinks beer (which, as indicated by her eye rolls, LC clearly thinks is VERY bourgeoisie), Whitney continues to apply her slow mental faculties to challenging "stylist" jobs (ie: folding jeans) at the People's Revolution, Heidi's sister moves into her and Spencer's apartment, and Lo and Audrina exchange a lot of cunty mean-mugs.
I honestly have no idea why I watch this crap, much less LIKE watching it. Typical dialogue on "The Hills" involves one character asking, "So, like, what are you, you know, like, doing tonight?" as she either folds a pair of jeans, pokes bemusedly with her index fingers at her shiny MacBook, or pretends to eat a grapefruit. The respondent will then answer, "So, like, you know...yeah." Another common story is that one character will go to a club, run into another character she hates, and they will exchange bitchy glares and/or bitch incomprehensibly at each other in the ladies room or the parking lot. Does any of it make sense? No more than Brody Jenner's star turn on "The Hills" resulting in his getting his own spin-off reality competition entitled (not joking) "Bromance," in which he auditions a new best friend to replace his now "dude-vorced" ex-buddy Spencer Pratt. I guess Brody felt that fucking LC (and making frequent appearances on his Reggie (Get in My) Bush-polluting stepsister Kim Kardashian's reality show) was a better strategy than Spencer's ambitious ploy to achieve media notoriety making Nicole Richie eat. Again, I have no idea why I watch this or LIKE watching it. But I do.
That said, I totally watched most of last night's episode, if only to watch Justin Bobby's hot ass show up at Audrina's party. Unfortunately, Justin Bobby seems to have truly mended his ways, and I might lose interest if he doesn't start belching, stealing Brody Jenner's drinks, and making out with other girls in front of Audrina soon. Frankly, Lo is starting to become my favorite character, if only because she looked out at Audrina's guests, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess we'll just have to try to enjoy what we've got here" while Audrina blinked vacantly and suffered anguish trying to rack her weak mental capabilities for a comeback that never came. If Lo's going to bring bitchery like that every episode, I'm signing up for her team. I may as well just give in. "The Hills" fucking rules!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, media whores, sluts, The Hills
Monday, August 18, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Bela Karolyi
Name: Béla Károlyi
DOB: September 13, 1942
Occupation: retired Olympic gymsnatchtits coach, NBC analyst,
Hometown: Cluj-Napoca, Romania
Current residence: Houston, Texas
Bela Karolyi on vault judging: 'a total reep off...my heart is breeking for alicia sacaramonee. How you can do this? I am getting eemotional.'LL Cool Jew must already have boarded her flight, because she didn't get back to me. However, JerseyGirl texted me out of nowhere instead:
JerseyGirl: Omg behind the scenes of the hills, justin bobby is smokinWhile an intoxicated catfight between Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag–ESPECIALLY if the dirty and despicable yet hate-fuckably hot Justin Bobby is somehow involved–sounds compelling, I kept watching the Olympics. I care more about listening to Bela Karolyi excoriate the pro-China, age-faking, score-fixing factions in Olympic gymsnatchtits judging than whether or not Heidi and Spencer leaked LC's interminably boring sex tape because LC was generally a bitch of a roommate and fake best friend. Bela Karolyi is indeed awesome, and he's the hotness, and he's basically every other conjurable superlative.
Razzy: Lol. M watchn olympics but will switch over at commercial
JerseyGirl: Lc and heidi come face to face in season 4 in a drunken fight. It looks amazing. Btdubs bela karolyi–daily dude i wanna hit him
Razzy: zomg bela is awesome
JerseyGirl: Hes the hotness
I don't even care if Bela Karolyi built champion gymnasts in the past with a deft combination of starvation, self-esteem deconstruction, and verbal abuse. I love Bela. I would consider it an honor, a privilege, and a pleasure to be berated by him. I'm sad that gymsnatchtit competition is almost over, because I will miss watching him roar nonsensically in either exuberance or rage at Bob Costas about Team USA versus Team China. Bela doesn't give a fuck, and thinks nothing of call China "arrogant cheaters" or calling the Chinese and Russian judges "inexcusable" and "abominable" on international TV from Beijing, probably while the Olympics thought police hover around dying to pull the plug. In fact, he peppers excited shouts of "GOOD GIRL!" praising the gymnasts of Team USA with his rants about the Olympic powers that be, all the while waving his hands and shaking his fists like he's making a propaganda speech on behalf of his own local politburo in the People's Republic of Bela Karolyi Awesomeness.
In case you have been living under a rock or you're one of those losers who doesn't watch TV and thus haven't yet witnessed Bela in action, feast your eyes. He's like a Transylvanian bear on crack with a giant, industrial broom mustache, and he rules harder than Nicolae Ceaucescu back in the days before Bela defected to the good old U.S. of A.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot dudes, JerseyGirl, LL Cool Jew, Olympics, sportsmen, The Hills
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Hottest Smith alumnae on the planet
It's that time of the quarter again! What time, you ask? Time for the new edition of the Smith Alumnae Quarterly! What do you mean, "I didn't go to Smith, I don't get the Smith Alumnae Quarterly?" You don't have to go to Smith to read the greatest magazine in the world! Who wouldn't want to read articles about subjects like a scrappy band of student activists creatively calling themselves "Coke Off Campus" rallied together on behalf of bottling plant employees in Colombia (seriously, they bottle COKE at sweatshops...in Colombia?) and India to ban Coca-Cola products from the Campus Center, or how some chick got a job at Google thanks to the all-powerful alumnae network (which, I should add, has yet to do shit for me besides give Tej Bindra my home address so she could conspire with her friends to get me raped by an inadvertent pervert on Craigslist)? This shit is more informative than the damn Economist!
Okay, I kid...I don't even get the SAQ anymore since I think they put me on probation after the Tej Offensive, which was started by Tej Bindra '07 calling me an assfuck and suggesting I get some Zoloft to treat my tendency to make fun of dumb SAQ articles about the dorm room she shared with her fellow flatchested Dar Williams aficionado. The last time I got a SAQ, I promptly douchebagged the entire magazine, and I think that was the last straw that broke the cameltoe's back. Presumably they booted me from the subscription list, because I haven't received a SAQ since. Oh well, who needs a SAQ to prove that she's got a "baccalaureum artibus" degree from Smith when she's got a fancy leather bound diploma--with seals and Latin and everything--tucked safely away in her bedside table with her vibrators, condoms, and lube?
Anyway, there's a section in the back of the SAQ that you can send updates to about whatever the fuck you've been up to at Smith. Usually it's along the lines of "some dumb bitch from Talbot House got married" or "some dumb bitch from Chase House just had her second kid" or "some dumb bitch from Northrop House just got another master's degree." Luckily, my friends have JerseyGirl to send in our updates. JerseyGirl is on the board of the Smith College Club of New York, and while she's given up trying to get me to do things like attend Christmas tree lightings on Sundays during NFL season or go to $100-a-head art history lectures, she felt duty bound to report on how our little group of friends has been keeping busy. Unfortunately, she probably had one too many brewdogs before she sent off our update:
Go Pioneers!
Anyway, there's a section in the back of the SAQ that you can send updates to about whatever the fuck you've been up to at Smith. Usually it's along the lines of "some dumb bitch from Talbot House got married" or "some dumb bitch from Chase House just had her second kid" or "some dumb bitch from Northrop House just got another master's degree." Luckily, my friends have JerseyGirl to send in our updates. JerseyGirl is on the board of the Smith College Club of New York, and while she's given up trying to get me to do things like attend Christmas tree lightings on Sundays during NFL season or go to $100-a-head art history lectures, she felt duty bound to report on how our little group of friends has been keeping busy. Unfortunately, she probably had one too many brewdogs before she sent off our update:
JerseyGirl '02 is a television news producer in Manhattan. She was recently elected to the New York Smith club board of directors and organizes events and parties for the club. JerseyGirl hangs out with Razzy '00, FalloniusMonk '01, and Rack '01, during monthly 90210 parties and weekly get-togethers that include cooking and watching the awesomeness that is VH1 reality programming...JerseyGirl regularly sees lots of other Smithies in New York City, most of whom were at the wedding of LL Cool Jew '02 in April '07.This rules so hard. While everyone else was out getting married, procreating, or adding more letters behind their name, JerseyGirl announces that we've all been watching Bev Niner and "I Love New York." She seems embarrassed that she actually bragged to the SAQ that we're into "the awesomeness that is VH1 reality programming" instead of the typical boring Smith alumnae crap. I mean, I have gotten two master's degrees since Smith and by next year I'm going to make every motherfucker I meet call me "Doctor," but who cares about that? I'd certainly rather hear about how we loyally watch DVDs of the greatest show in the history of television and teach JerseyGirl how to make grilled cheese sandwiches during commercial breaks in "Flavor of Love 3" and "The Hills." Smith College must be so proud.
Go Pioneers!
Labels: Bev Niner, correspondence, Dumb Smith bitches, FalloniusMonk, I LOVE IT, I Love New York, intentional buffoonery, JerseyGirl, LL Cool Jew, Rack, The Hills, Vh1
Friday, May 09, 2008
Over the Hills
JerseyGirl sent around a video to our little group of "Hills"-watching girls, namely HillsYes, Twathopper, and myself. I'm name-dropping here so you know that we're loud and proud about our "Hills" watching, we are not guilty about this pleasure, and we get together to watch and discuss this totally crappy but utterly addictive show without shame. I don't sit around watching "The Hills" by myself like some loser who would voluntarily stay home on Friday nights to watch a show I'll call "Attlestarbay Alacticagay." ANYWAY! JerseyGirl sent a funny parody ("Over the Hills") video, and I watched a bunch of episodes. These videos use elderly actors to recreate the actual dialogue from memorable scenes on "The Hills":
I love the old man who plays Spencer. I could watch him yell "DO YOU WANT TO ROLL UP ON HER?" all day long. I also appreciate that they paid enough attention to ensure that the old lady playing Heidi has the exact same hair the real Ms. Montag is always rocking, a style my friend HillsYes calls a "Texas blowout." And the woman who plays Lauren deserves a fucking Oscar. When she screams, "SEX TAPE! SEX TAPE!" I get chills.
When are they going to get someone to play Justin Bobby and Audrina? There are so many scenes that could be recreated to great effect for an episode of "Over the Hills": Justin Bobby convinces Audrina that he wasn't just making out with another chick in front of her, Justin Bobby ruins Brody Jenner's birthday party, Justin Bobby spends an entire evening insulting Lauren Conrad to her face...GOD, this must happen. NOW.
Labels: hilarious shit, HillsYes, JerseyGirl, The Hills, TV, Twathopper
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Justin Bobby from "The Hills"
DOB: 1983?
Occupation: model, hairstylist, "The Hills" resident asshole
Hometown: Huntington Beach, California
Current residence: the Hollywood Hills?
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Against my better judgment, Justin Bobby from "The Hills" has lured me like an unfortunate ancient Greek mariner with his siren's song of belching, shameless denial of flagrantly bad behavior, and obnoxious quips. For one thing, he seems to be the only character who doesn't give a fuck what Lauren Conrad thinks. Almost everyone else on the show seems concerned primarily with LC's mood and opinion, and a character who chooses to either ignore or insult her is a refreshing change. For another, last night he made his grand reappearance at GOA Nightclub looking like a bizarre amalgam of Shia LaBeouf and the lead singer of The Killers, and it wasn't a bad look on him. It was a considerable improvement from the long-haired homeless Jack Sparrow look he was sporting when he infamously made out with another chick at Les Deux in front of Audrina and then successfully told her, "No, I wasn't. You need to get your eyes checked."
I'm not the only one to be swayed by Justin Bobby's dirty charms. JerseyGirl and I were texting last night as we watched from our respective hovels on our mutual excitement about JB running into the ladies at GOA Nightclub:
JerseyGirl: Yes! Justin bobby!Razzy: Jb's my fave. He shd have his own showRazzy: Justin bobby looks hotJerseyGirl: He's my fave too. Lo is so annoying.
At this point, the "drama" (Justin Bobby and Heidi sitting down with Audrina at LC's table, with LC leaving in a huff) on "girls night out" wraps up and LC is busy contemplating whether or not she wants to continue living at the Villa Apartments. Luckily, the conversation about moving in together between LC and her Laguna Beach friend Lo is mercifully short and the action switches back to a dinner date between Audrina and Justin Bobby. JB lays it on thick about missing Audrina and prioritizing his life (he quit drinking...as much), because apparently he had grown lonely not giving Audrina opportunities to show her thong and ass crack while tooling around town on his bike.
Razzy: Yes! Justin bobby dinner date!Razzy: Justin bobby 4 prezJerseyGirl: He just gave her total f me eyesRazzy: And she f'd him. Trust.Razzy: "i've been riding solo" lolJerseyGirl: Soo smooth. Id do himRazzy: Lauren sux. Spencer s grossJerseyGirl: O no doubt. Justin bobby is irresistible
As far as the loathsome guys on "The Hills" go, Justin Bobby is a cut above the competition. Brody Jenner is loathsome since he seems enveloped in a cloud of obvious douchebaggery (although I'd still probably hit that) and Spencer is loathsome in a creepy, child molester way, while Justin Bobby is loathsome in a really hot and fuckable way. I'd totally let Justin Bobby ride me like his contrived unemployed wannabe rock star motorcycle and then pretend to be disgusted with myself the next day.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot dudes, The Hills, TV
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Dirty Steel
I love the New York Times coverage of "The Hills." First they called Heidi Montag a "feminist hero" on the basis of her being completely indecisive about her relationship with douchebag extraordinaire Spencer Pratt, and now they are reporting that male models everywhere better take notice because a truly exemplary specimen of fuckable masculinity is about to dominate catalogs and catwalks everywhere. Watch out, Derek Zoolander.
YES! Justin Bobby Brescia, my all-time favorite "Hills" dweller is expanding his talents beyond the realm of belching, motorcycle-riding, and flagrantly cheating on Audrina's dumb ass. Usually I hate guys with long hair, but I have a real soft spot for Justin Bobby. First of all, his name is Justin Bobby. Second, would-be players could take a page out of his book.
Last season on "The Hills," Justin Bobby managed to decisively out-douche Brody Jenner at his birthday party by drinking all his booze and being a total dickhead to everyone who crossed his path. Then he proceeded to make out with some other chick at a bar IN FRONT OF his girlfriend Audrina. When Audrina confronted him about it ("you were, like, totally, like, kissing that, like, other girl"), he simply responded, "No, I wasn't." When Audrina persisted in accusing him, saying something along the lines of "But, like, I totally, like saw you," Justin Bobby said, "No, I wasn't. You need to get your eyes checked." Then he belched. Audrina, being the rocket scientist of Epic Records receptionists that she is, says, "Okay," and gets on his motorcycle.
Last night while my girls and I were watching this trash (in riveted silence, because we need to fully concentrate on the dialogue in order to extract the point of any given discussion from amidst the "likes" and "totallys" liberally peppering even the most basic of verbal interactions between two cast members), the "scenes from the next" showed Justin Bobby and I about lost it.
"Dudes, JUSTIN BOBBY IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH AUDRINA!!! YESSSSS!" I whooped.
HillsYes noted sarcastically, "Yeah, he'll probably have some girl s'ing his d in front of her and then be like, 'No, I wasn't.'"
"OMG, totz," said JerseyGirl.
"I'm so glad I'm solstice," said Twathopper.
"Why, because you only have to deal with dumb bitch drama and never get laid?" I asked scornfully. Twathopper's quest to "L some P" has not been fulfilled yet, but she is indeed truly a lesbian because she has five bitches blowing up her phone trying to talk to her about their feelings and their residual drama with their exes. Actually she earned her solstice stripes when she framed a copy of an article one of her would-be sapphic paramours wrote for Runner's World magazine. If that's not a lesbian move, then I didn't go to Smith College.
"Touché, mentor," said Twathopper somewhat meekly. Twathopper acknowledges that the reason she is getting processing rather than pussy is her unwillingness to heed my advice about dumping dumb bitches for not putting out, or at least threatening to. But I digress.
Back to Justin Bobby, the dreamiest piece of ass on meticulously scripted reality television. Justin Bobby may be the dirtiest, nastiest, most ill-mannered loser in all of Hollywood, but I'd totally hit that. In front of Audrina. And then I'd help him out by convincing Audrina that she didn't actually just see me giving JB a BJ. Bitch needs to get her eyes checked. Trust.
Last season on "The Hills," Justin Bobby managed to decisively out-douche Brody Jenner at his birthday party by drinking all his booze and being a total dickhead to everyone who crossed his path. Then he proceeded to make out with some other chick at a bar IN FRONT OF his girlfriend Audrina. When Audrina confronted him about it ("you were, like, totally, like, kissing that, like, other girl"), he simply responded, "No, I wasn't." When Audrina persisted in accusing him, saying something along the lines of "But, like, I totally, like saw you," Justin Bobby said, "No, I wasn't. You need to get your eyes checked." Then he belched. Audrina, being the rocket scientist of Epic Records receptionists that she is, says, "Okay," and gets on his motorcycle.
Last night while my girls and I were watching this trash (in riveted silence, because we need to fully concentrate on the dialogue in order to extract the point of any given discussion from amidst the "likes" and "totallys" liberally peppering even the most basic of verbal interactions between two cast members), the "scenes from the next" showed Justin Bobby and I about lost it.
"Dudes, JUSTIN BOBBY IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH AUDRINA!!! YESSSSS!" I whooped.
HillsYes noted sarcastically, "Yeah, he'll probably have some girl s'ing his d in front of her and then be like, 'No, I wasn't.'"
"OMG, totz," said JerseyGirl.
"I'm so glad I'm solstice," said Twathopper.
"Why, because you only have to deal with dumb bitch drama and never get laid?" I asked scornfully. Twathopper's quest to "L some P" has not been fulfilled yet, but she is indeed truly a lesbian because she has five bitches blowing up her phone trying to talk to her about their feelings and their residual drama with their exes. Actually she earned her solstice stripes when she framed a copy of an article one of her would-be sapphic paramours wrote for Runner's World magazine. If that's not a lesbian move, then I didn't go to Smith College.
"Touché, mentor," said Twathopper somewhat meekly. Twathopper acknowledges that the reason she is getting processing rather than pussy is her unwillingness to heed my advice about dumping dumb bitches for not putting out, or at least threatening to. But I digress.
Back to Justin Bobby, the dreamiest piece of ass on meticulously scripted reality television. Justin Bobby may be the dirtiest, nastiest, most ill-mannered loser in all of Hollywood, but I'd totally hit that. In front of Audrina. And then I'd help him out by convincing Audrina that she didn't actually just see me giving JB a BJ. Bitch needs to get her eyes checked. Trust.
Labels: assholes, HillsYes, JerseyGirl, lezbollah, The Hills, TV, Twathopper
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
We are not dumb enough
Last night, I was at my friend JerseyGirl's apartment for our usual Monday night cooking lesson and trashy TV watching. During "The Hills," JerseyGirl and I kept the other ladies entertained by trying to reenact scenes from that night's episodes.
"So, like, I saw, Heidi and Spencer's sister at Vice like last night," I said, trying as hard as I could to master Audrina Patridge's perpetually confused, mouth-breathing smile.
"Too smart! You can tell that you're THINKING and it doesn't hurt," said HillsYes.
"Okay, shit, I'll be LC in this scene, then," I said. Compared to Audrina and Whitney, Lauren Conrad looks like a rocket scientist. "You be Audrina, JerseyGirl."
"Like, she came over and like, talked to me, and went off on this whole, like, thing, and like, I was all, I don't know. It was like really...yeah," said JerseyGirl.
"Still too smart!" crowed HillsYes. "I'm serious, you guys are both too intelligent to pull it off. Even at your dumbest, you're both too obviously smart to even do a decent LC."
"Okay, okay, let's try it again. With even less conversation. I'll be Whitney, you be Audrina, let's just pretend we're talking about our jobs," I said. "Like, it was like, really hard to leave my three-year internship at Teen Vogue, but like, I love saying 'go go go!' to the runway models in this, like, fashion show," I ventured.
"Epic Records is like...like..." said JerseyGirl.
"JerseyGirl just did a good Audrina!" approved HillsYes. As her name implies, she's our resident "Hills" expert. We all watch "The Hills," but nobody thinks about it as much as HillsYes. "You almost had me convinced that you were that fucking clueless. But you're both still too smart."
After we watched "The Hills," all the other girls left, and instead of turning in early like good girls, JerseyGirl and I proceeded to finish drinking all the beer in her fridge. If only HillsYes had stuck around, because we ultimately became Whitney and Audrina in real life. JerseyGirl couldn't figure out how to connect her laptop to the internet, and wanted to know if I would upload the pictures from her digital camera to what she alternately refers to as "MyFace" and "Spacebook."
"You're probably better at figuring out computers than me, anyway, Razzy," she said. "I mean, you do science and you have a website and stuff." This warranted a simultaneous laugh-out-loud, audible scoff, and exclamation of "sha right" from me. I went into biology so I wouldn't have to do any math beyond y=mx+b and I am so completely inept at computers that it's a miracle I can publish a solitary word to the internets.
True to form, I was unable to figure out how to connect her camera to my computer. Well, I connected the cable, but my computer refused to acknowledge the camera's presence even after I installed the camera's software three times. I eventually gave up, blaming it on my having a Mac. I have no idea if that's the problem, but it sounds sufficiently insurmountable and I wanted an excuse to give up since we were both getting frustrated.
"OMG, dude, we really are like Whitney and Audrina right now. No wonder they never asked Whitney to do any photo layouts for Teen Vogue." JerseyGirl said.
"I know we aren't this stupid. HillsYes said we looked too smart!"
"Looked smart," said JerseyGirl.
Luckily, then JerseyGirl had a stroke of genius. She could burn some of her pictures to her one blank CD on her computer, then I could load the disc into my computer and upload it to the social networking internets. We high-fived each other on a job (slightly) more well done than Whitney and LC's attempts to pick up their shoes prior to the Crillon Ball in Paris during the season premiere.
"Obviously I have to name this album 'Whitney and Audrina,'" I said, as I uploaded the pictures to my Facebook page.
"Okay, now we have to do something really dumb, like start tagging stupid stuff," said JerseyGirl. We wound up tagging a vegetable platter, a chair, my tits, our friend Rack's boyfriend TheOldGuy, a spatula, and a cake as JerseyGirl's boyfriend Kodiak and thought this was hysterically funny. Then JerseyGirl logged in to her Facebook account and proceeded to tag pictures of Chris Hansen and John Starks as me and we basically spent about an hour doing more of what JerseyGirl called "being renarded."
Sadly, even at our most inebriated and stupid, I have a feeling that, had a sober observer been present, we still would have seemed more intelligent than Whitney and Audrina. Even at our dumbest, we can't exceed the lofty standards those two broads have set for being vapid morons. Judge for yourself. Here's some pictures of Whitney and Audrina:
And here's myself and JerseyGirl. To level the playing field, I made sure to use a couple pictures in which we are both clearly WASTED OFF OUR ASSES. These pictures were from New Year's Eve, and while I don't remember what JerseyGirl was drinking, I was rolling on a brutal combination of scotch, sake, champagne, and tonsillitis that landed me in the Columbia-Presbyterian ER a day later.
Even when visibly drunk off our asses and not performing at capacity intellectually, we just can't get to that level of visibly stupid. I guess we'll never get our own tightly scripted reality shows. Lame.
Labels: computer incompetence, Dumb Smith bitches, Facebook, HillsYes, JerseyGirl, sluts, The Hills, TV
Monday, March 24, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: the cast of "The Hills"
DOB: various, but all after 1985
Occupation: tightly scripted reality drama
Hometown: mostly either Laguna Beach or Malibu, California
Current residence: West Hollywood, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I'm more than a little embarrassed to admit that I watch "The Hills" religiously. This show is literally 30 minutes of these girls being vapid, self-centered, totally shallow, and entirely idiotic whores, but I can't tear myself away. I'm not the only one either. I get together every Monday with a group of girls who feel the same way, and we're all professional, educated women over the age of 25. Our Monday night crew consists of a television news producer, a public relations representative, a clothing designer, another grad student who studies neuroscience, and myself. We're all relatively smart and well-read and yet we can't get enough of watching LC and her entourage of cow-eyed morons slut it up at Area and Les Deux. I know everyone is excited to see how Lauren's tenure in Paris running a Teen Vogue fashion show goes. I imagine there's going to be a lot of Whitney starting off each episode with her usual "so...what's going on?", cuing LC to spending more time worrying about who Brody Jenner is banging back home in the Golden State than actually bringing coffee to the bigwigs at Teen Vogue's Paris office.
Supposedly this season we'll also get to see the return of Justin Bobby, who will undoubtedly sit around belching, being unkempt, and saying completely rude shit to everyone around him. That in turn will mean there will be plenty of footage of Audrina looking completely confused as she tries to wrap her mind around the fact that Justin Bobby is the world's biggest asshole (a concept she has yet to fully grasp). Audrina may be the dumbest human being in the world. I think that if you got too close to her, you would hear that crashing surf sound that you hear when you press your ear to a seashell. It's strangely fascinating watching someone that abysmally stupid try to manage scripted dialogue of her handling her business. Speaking of stupidity, I'm sure that Spencer and Heidi will bring their asinine relationship drama to a whole new level of retarded, as well. Good times.
"Hills" to the yes!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, retard rage, sluts, The Hills, TV
Friday, February 22, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag AGAIN
DOB: August 1983 and September 15, 1986, respectively
Occupation: consummate media whores, masters of self-delusion
Hometown: Santa Monica, California and Crested Butte, Colorado, respectively
Current residence: West Hollywood, California
Douchebaggery: JerseyGirl is on fire with the douchebagging. Yesterday she sent me the following article from In Touch Weekly along with the comment "DAILY DOUCHEBAGS?":
Spencer Pratt: Heidi is the Next MadonnaPrepping for worldwide fame? World tour? Who and the what now? At one point, I would have been embarrassed to admit that I watch "The Hills" and know all about Spencer and Heidi. However, then I realized that I'm by no means alone in doing so. There are plenty of other official, card-carrying grownups who get secretly excited when they flip over to MTV and hear Natasha Bedingfield singing about releasing inhibitions and feeling the rain on your skin. There are plenty of other losers who spend their time wondering about pointless bullshit like why Lauren Conrad has more wrinkles and crow's feet around her eyes than me despite being only 21, whether or not the ring Spencer gave Heidi for their now-defunct engagement was real (certainly the tits he gave her weren't), and whether Audrina is actually the dumbest human being employed at Epic Records, much less extant on the planet. All my fellow "Hills"-watching losers are undoubtedly thus reacting the same way to Spencer's assertions about the meteoric rise of Heidi Montag from obscurity: with a great deal of harsh and emphatic scoffing.
Reality show players-turned super couple Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt won’t settle for being a sideshow on The Hills. Wannabe pop star Heidi, 21, is prepping for worldwide fame as she moves forward from her homemade music video, “Higher,” to her next professionally mastered single, which is being recorded this month. “The next thing is to really focus on her new music and get her onstage and on a world tour,” Spencer, 24, who is also Heidi’s manager, tells In Touch. Although Heidi considers herself an original act, she plans to take performance cues from some of the world biggest superstars, like Britney Spears, Madonna and Michael Jackson, says Spencer.
“What we want for Heidi is for her to perform like they do,” Spencer reveals to In Touch. “She could have these huge, unbelievable, explosive performances, with pyrotechnics and lots of costume changes.
“Heidi isn’t going to let what people say stop her from being a huge star,” Spencer tells In Touch.
When Spencer says things about Heidi like "huge, unbelievable, explosive performances" and "huge star," I really can't wait for next season of "The Hills" just to see Spencer making these kind of statements in real life (or at least meticulously scripted real life). If Heidi is the next Madonna, then I'm the next Jesus Christ, and hearing Spencer actually saying such hilarious absurdity would really be knee-slapping, gasping for breath, side-clutching, howling-with-laughter funny. That means that maybe we'll be lucky enough to see footage of Heidi in the studio laying down some tracks with Spencer producing, a musical collaboration on par with a cat in heat joining forces with screeching audio feedback to make a pop album. Any studio time with Heidi is going to make "The Ashlee Simpson Show" seem like a study in the making of a masterpiece on par with Beethoven's Ninth. Truly, Kevin Federline's album (which sold a whopping 16,000 copies) probably looks like a multi-platinum record compared to anything Heidi and Spencer could produce. A shit-throwing rhesus macaque could probably make a better record.
MARCH 24th--premiere of "The Hills" season four--cannot come fast enough.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, intentional buffoonery, JerseyGirl, media whores, sluts, The Hills, TV
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