Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The greatest "youth mentor" ever
I got bored with the Eagles' wholesale massacre of the Cleveland Browns last night, so I flipped over to "Keyshia Cole: The Way it Is" on BET. In this episode, Keyshia was getting the key to the city of Oakland, California. In the course of this, she stopped by some non-profit dedicated to job training or something, before donating ten grand to their cause. I was surprised and delighted by the appearance of Oakland's most famous rapper, a certain Todd "Too $hort" Shaw. 
While seeing $hort Dog loitering around Oak-town would not in itself seem shocking, as that is the subject of most of his songs, he certainly has cultivated a novel persona for the sake of good PR. The show listed his occupation as "Rapper/Youth Mentor."
"Youth mentor?!" I thought. "Since when has $horty the Pimp been a youth mentor?" If Too $hort's entire lyrical catalog is any indication, the only thing he is qualified to mentor youth about is how aspiring pimps might break hoes. I guess he can also probably give them excellent tips on how to get blown on an extremely regular basis (as much of his music features a recurring "nuts-on-tonsils" theme), and how to evade the criminal justice system should his misadventures in fellatio result in the accidental death of the tragic woman allowing Too $hort and a host of other men to run a train on her face. Asking Too $hort to give Oakland's youth any sort of non-pimping advice besides "get a good lawyer, like Johnny Cochrane, swear to tell the truth: hell, no, I didn't pop him" might be a stretch. I suppose that Too $hort indirectly mentored some youth from a demographic he didn't expect (loud white girls at expensive New England women's colleges) in that he was one of my go-to guys for music that would piss off the uptight womynists I loved to offend for my own entertainment. However, since East Oakland is a long way from Smith College and I doubt that Youth UpRising is frequently disturbed by rallies or candlelight vigils protesting the patriarchal oppression of women, I can't imagine this is the kind of mentoring that Too $hort provides.
While seeing $hort Dog loitering around Oak-town would not in itself seem shocking, as that is the subject of most of his songs, he certainly has cultivated a novel persona for the sake of good PR. The show listed his occupation as "Rapper/Youth Mentor."
"Youth mentor?!" I thought. "Since when has $horty the Pimp been a youth mentor?" If Too $hort's entire lyrical catalog is any indication, the only thing he is qualified to mentor youth about is how aspiring pimps might break hoes. I guess he can also probably give them excellent tips on how to get blown on an extremely regular basis (as much of his music features a recurring "nuts-on-tonsils" theme), and how to evade the criminal justice system should his misadventures in fellatio result in the accidental death of the tragic woman allowing Too $hort and a host of other men to run a train on her face. Asking Too $hort to give Oakland's youth any sort of non-pimping advice besides "get a good lawyer, like Johnny Cochrane, swear to tell the truth: hell, no, I didn't pop him" might be a stretch. I suppose that Too $hort indirectly mentored some youth from a demographic he didn't expect (loud white girls at expensive New England women's colleges) in that he was one of my go-to guys for music that would piss off the uptight womynists I loved to offend for my own entertainment. However, since East Oakland is a long way from Smith College and I doubt that Youth UpRising is frequently disturbed by rallies or candlelight vigils protesting the patriarchal oppression of women, I can't imagine this is the kind of mentoring that Too $hort provides.
After watching a little longer, I was disappointed to gather that Too $hort isn't even giving pimping lessons of any sort. I didn't hear him say anything along the lines of "she looked kind of young but my dick can't tell" or "I just want to fuck you and cut, treat you like a trampy slut." In fact, the only instructional activities he mentioned were the beat-making and lyrics-writing workshops he leads. However, in spite of $hort Dog's failure to instruct aspiring youth in "puttin' fine-ass bitches on the streets in the hood, every year trade for a new Fleetwood," he does at least seem to be teaching the youth of Oakland how to have nothing but game coming out their mouths. I suppose this is more constructive than learning how to actually manage a flock of top notches, as Too $hort himself has ultimately selected a career as a musician rather than an actual pimp engaged in brokering prostitution services. Probably being a multi-platinum-selling rapper is a more sensible occupation than street pimp in terms of maintaining that California lifestyle that Too $hort lives.
I would just like to take a moment to recognize one of the finest pieces of mentoring Too $hort has engaged in. Okay, well, it's not so much "mentoring" as running down a laundry list of all the conquests who "throw that P" his way in his classic song "Cocktales." Sadly, because Sir Too $hort's language is so salty, classic lines like "Tina, Tina, the sperm cleaner" and "I go diggin' in them guts like a gardener, and if she scream, I'm-a fuck the bitch harder." At least the part with the girl named Angie in the song isn't edited, only because she shows up at Too $hort's house and simply states, "Do me, player." I can't recall ever banging Too $hort, but that nonetheless sounds about right. I see great things in store for Oakland's disadvantaged youth with a mentor like this.
Labels: hilarious shit, rap, ridiculous absurdity, Too $hort, TV
Monday, November 12, 2007
$hort Dog on Dog
While catching up on celebrity gossip occurring while I was on my deathbed, I was pleased to see that the incomparable Todd "Too $hort" Shaw, looking as dapper as always, took a breather from breakin' hoes, gettin' head, and otherwise dominating the East Bay's player-ass pimp scene to tell TMZ his thoughts on Duane "Dog" Chapman's career-ending racial tirade. In case you missed it, Chapman, star of the now-canceled "Dog the Bounty Hunter," went off on a "n-word"-laden rant about his son's black girlfriend. The son taped this rant, and sent it off to the National Enquirer. In spite of Dog coming up with some of the lamest excuses EVER ("I thought I was black because people called me white trash"...WHAT?) to cover his ass, A&E said "aloha" to him, his corpulent wife Beth, and his cadre of redneck Polynesian cousins and offspring who assist him in his bounty hunting and bail bond business. Never again will the American viewing audience get to see Beth clutching a pustule-covered meth addict prostitute who skipped on a $500 bond to her gargantuan breasts and praying for her well-being outside the Da Kine Bail Bonds office.
Too $hort does understand how offensive statements can be taken out of context, though, and I was surprised to see that he handled this with the diplomatic skill of the man employed in the oldest profession for going on twenty years. This is a man, after all, who once said chivalrous things like, "I know you're starvin', bitch, what you gon' eat? Just cause I picked you up I guess you waitin' on me. It ain't gonna be that, you shoulda ate or bought your ass a plate, cause on this date we just fuckin' till it's late." In fact, if you want to see some real tact in terms of interpersonal relations and the art of negotiation, you should just look up all the lyrics to "Coming Up $hort" and witness a master of political correctness working his magic.
Anyway, I can't embed the footage of Too $hort talking about Dog because TMZ is hardcore about hoarding their precious videos, so you'll have to click on this link and suffer through an annoying Pantene commercial before you can witness the legendary Mr. Shaw discussing Dog's mishaps, but it's worth it. Too $hort is a fucking font of wisdom.
"Gay bashin' and racial hatin' and all that stuff...it's just not good times for that in the media right now." You can say that again. Luckily for $hort Dog, there has yet to be a media backlash against calling a prostitute (or any woman, for that matter) a "beeyotch" if she gets out of line!
Too $hort continues, "It's like the word bitch or the word fuck...it has several meanings, one can be really, really negative and the other can be really, really positive. I fuckin' hate you or I fuckin' love you, you know." Is it possible for Too $hort to use the word "bitch" in a negative way? Because his career is built almost entirely on his distinctive use of that word, and I would say that any simple word which makes a man millions of dollars, earns him a spot as a mentor on "Celebrity Rap Superstar," and establishes him as THE quintessential East Oakland player-ass pimp is entirely positive.
While Too $hort does note that in Dog's case, "it was very derogatory the way he was spittin' that word out...REPEATEDLY," he says he isn't all that offended because it was just "hateful jokes" and "because I throw the word 'hoes' around a lot myself." And "beeyotch," and the "N-word", and "fuck," and virtually every other profanity one can imagine. Way not to throw stones, $hort Dog!
Can I just take a minute to say how awesome it is that Too $hort is popping up all over MTV and the internets these days? I hadn't heard so much as a feeble "beeyotch" out of him in the last five years, and all of a sudden he's teaching Girl Next Door #3 "oral exercises" and opining on F-list reality show stars' media gaffes! I have newfound faith in humanity. First, it seems that this year everyone and their mother finally realized how fucking unbelievably awesome Robert Sylvester Kelly is, and now they're rediscovering Too $hort as well. If this keeps up, I see civilization entering a damn Golden Age. Seriously, this blossoming appreciation for true art makes all those Renaissance dudes look like a bunch of posing, pathetic hacks. Leonardo, Michaelangelo, and all those other Ninja Turtle namesakes can open wide, because Too $hort is about to stick his dick in their talentless mouths! There is hope for our world yet.
Anyway, I can't embed the footage of Too $hort talking about Dog because TMZ is hardcore about hoarding their precious videos, so you'll have to click on this link and suffer through an annoying Pantene commercial before you can witness the legendary Mr. Shaw discussing Dog's mishaps, but it's worth it. Too $hort is a fucking font of wisdom.
"Gay bashin' and racial hatin' and all that stuff...it's just not good times for that in the media right now." You can say that again. Luckily for $hort Dog, there has yet to be a media backlash against calling a prostitute (or any woman, for that matter) a "beeyotch" if she gets out of line!
Too $hort continues, "It's like the word bitch or the word fuck...it has several meanings, one can be really, really negative and the other can be really, really positive. I fuckin' hate you or I fuckin' love you, you know." Is it possible for Too $hort to use the word "bitch" in a negative way? Because his career is built almost entirely on his distinctive use of that word, and I would say that any simple word which makes a man millions of dollars, earns him a spot as a mentor on "Celebrity Rap Superstar," and establishes him as THE quintessential East Oakland player-ass pimp is entirely positive.
While Too $hort does note that in Dog's case, "it was very derogatory the way he was spittin' that word out...REPEATEDLY," he says he isn't all that offended because it was just "hateful jokes" and "because I throw the word 'hoes' around a lot myself." And "beeyotch," and the "N-word", and "fuck," and virtually every other profanity one can imagine. Way not to throw stones, $hort Dog!
Can I just take a minute to say how awesome it is that Too $hort is popping up all over MTV and the internets these days? I hadn't heard so much as a feeble "beeyotch" out of him in the last five years, and all of a sudden he's teaching Girl Next Door #3 "oral exercises" and opining on F-list reality show stars' media gaffes! I have newfound faith in humanity. First, it seems that this year everyone and their mother finally realized how fucking unbelievably awesome Robert Sylvester Kelly is, and now they're rediscovering Too $hort as well. If this keeps up, I see civilization entering a damn Golden Age. Seriously, this blossoming appreciation for true art makes all those Renaissance dudes look like a bunch of posing, pathetic hacks. Leonardo, Michaelangelo, and all those other Ninja Turtle namesakes can open wide, because Too $hort is about to stick his dick in their talentless mouths! There is hope for our world yet.
Labels: celebrities, free fucking speech, intentional buffoonery, rap, Robert Sylvester Kelly, Too $hort, TV
Monday, October 15, 2007
Vh1 Programming Executives, are you listening...?
LL Cool Jew and I were bemoaning the return of lame-ass Bret Michaels to "Rock of Love" the other day via phone, and we wound up having a lengthy discussion about our favorite trashy reality shows. I was talking with her about the few moments of "Celebrity Rap Superstar" that I had seen and enjoyed, but expressed my concern that the show's moments of greatness were too few and far between.
"You know, in priniciple it should be trashtastic enough for me to like, but it just doesn't quite take it to the level of awesomeness I require," I explained.
"Yeah, I see your point. The hilarity of Sebastian Bach badly rapping 'Bust a Move' has long ceased to amuse," LL Cool Jew assented.
"The moments of greatness are basically limited to any time that a certain player-ass pimp named Todd Shaw makes an appearance."
"ABSOLUTELY," LL Cool Jew fervently agreed.
"In fact, why the hell doesn't $hort Dog have his own reality show?" I mused, then was gripped with what a fabulous idea that would be. "I mean...OH MY GOD...can you imagine how awesome--how FUCKING awesome--'Flavor of Too $hort' would be as a show??"
LL Cool Jew and I were both dumbstruck by such a mind-blowingly amazing concept. Flavor Flav is a crazy, zany character for sure, but his lack of success at finding love with the deceitful social-climbing Hoopz and the rear-endowed Deelishis may be on account of his lack of skills when it comes to running hos. Todd "Too $hort" Shaw, on the other hand, got all his game from Oakland, California, and that game involves managing a flock of top-notches and getting head. Instead of getting clocks, the contestants retained each week can get a pimp slap and called a "Beeyotch!", a great honor coming from this most lauded of pimps. And for anyone who thinks that Too $hort couldn't carry a show comprising of him running a houseful of hoes, I would direct them to the cover of his Shorty the Pimp album, which proves otherwise:
I doubt that the flavor of an East Oakland player would be good, and according to the fate of the unfortunate teenage prostitute named "Blowjob Betty," it can even be fatal, but I bet it would be ratings gold! Vh1 needs to quit recycling Da Brat and Warren G and Flavor Flav and get a real player who is only trying to fuck a bitch, fuck trying to charm her. When he's through fuckin', bitches leavin' with nothing, and that's because he's making bankrolls for-rilla...and he could be making those bankrolls for Vh1. This is exactly the kind of thing that cable TV reality dating competitions need to stay fresh. Seriously, e-mail Vh1 and DEMAND "Flavor of Too $hort!" It's the best idea ever.
"You know, in priniciple it should be trashtastic enough for me to like, but it just doesn't quite take it to the level of awesomeness I require," I explained.
"Yeah, I see your point. The hilarity of Sebastian Bach badly rapping 'Bust a Move' has long ceased to amuse," LL Cool Jew assented.
"The moments of greatness are basically limited to any time that a certain player-ass pimp named Todd Shaw makes an appearance."
"ABSOLUTELY," LL Cool Jew fervently agreed.
"In fact, why the hell doesn't $hort Dog have his own reality show?" I mused, then was gripped with what a fabulous idea that would be. "I mean...OH MY GOD...can you imagine how awesome--how FUCKING awesome--'Flavor of Too $hort' would be as a show??"
LL Cool Jew and I were both dumbstruck by such a mind-blowingly amazing concept. Flavor Flav is a crazy, zany character for sure, but his lack of success at finding love with the deceitful social-climbing Hoopz and the rear-endowed Deelishis may be on account of his lack of skills when it comes to running hos. Todd "Too $hort" Shaw, on the other hand, got all his game from Oakland, California, and that game involves managing a flock of top-notches and getting head. Instead of getting clocks, the contestants retained each week can get a pimp slap and called a "Beeyotch!", a great honor coming from this most lauded of pimps. And for anyone who thinks that Too $hort couldn't carry a show comprising of him running a houseful of hoes, I would direct them to the cover of his Shorty the Pimp album, which proves otherwise:
Labels: Flavor of Love, I LOVE IT, LL Cool Jew, rap, Rock of Love, Too $hort, TV, Vh1
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