Friday, September 11, 2009
Here's your 9/11 present
Okay, first off, I'm not even going to make excuses for being so absent and causing you all to feel such great pain and abandonment. I've somehow managed to acquire one these–ahem–boyfriends, and I've been busy getting laid constantly. Oh, and working a lot too. So I apologize, as I know the Razzyphiles have suffered great neglect and most of you were probably contemplating going the Sylvia Plath route. My bad, dudes.
Anyway, I am going to be better about blogging more regularly and I thought there's no better way to do so than by wishing you all a very merry 9/11. And apparently the terror squad (the muhajadeen catchers, not Fat Joe's rap cartel) decided to give us a present this year! They managed to nab the Taliban's PR guy, Muslim Khan, thus striking a terrible blow against the terrorists' ability to deliver do-it-yourself crazy anti-Western manifestos.
I can see why the loss of Muslim Khan is probably devastating to the Taliban's whole program, since he's done such a capital job of promoting them in the international press. I mean, what if people actually stop thinking that they are murderous, misogynistic terrorists with large teacup collections? Image management skills like Muslim Khan's are hard to come by, especially when you're wandering around Pakistan in some rattletrap convoy of assault rifles and RPGs, tea services, and Arabian night-style tents trying to find some permanent stronghold like a big troupe of militant jihadist Joads. So have fun looking like a bunch of total assholes on Al-Jazeera, stupid dumb Taliban guys! USA! U! S! A!
Labels: crime and punishment, excuses, international intrigue, terror, United States of Asskickery
Monday, October 27, 2008
LOL terror
I just read some article about the latest in military intelligence. Specifically, the Army noted that terrorists can use Twitter to orchestrate attacks, if the terrorists Twitter each other about police movements and whatever other logistical details these jackasses need to pay attention to when suicide bombing things or doing other freedom-hating activities. In fact, it's not even your typical Islamic jihadists who might Twitter their way to striking a blow against us infidels. All sorts of nefarious groups could Twitter their way to a terror attack:
"Twitter has also become a social activism tool for socialists, human rights groups, communists, vegetarians, anarchists, religious communities, atheists, political enthusiasts, hacktivists and others to communicate with each other and to send messages to broader audiences," the report said.
I don't use Twitter, but I figured that if evildoers like vegetarians, human rights groups, and all these other hippie types are using it to strike fear in the hearts of freedom-loving Americans everywhere, they're probably using Facebook too. So I checked it out and what do you know? Sure enough, Osama bin Laden is on Facebook and we're both members of the "New York, NY" network! I believe it's really his page, because only a truly depraved, morally bankrupt individual like the mastermind behind 9/11 could speak so highly about "Everybody Loves Raymond."
Yes, "i blow up cars with people in it :P" sounds pretty bin Laden-ish to me. Granted, I don't speak Arabic but from what I've seen of those Al-Jazeera cave videos, bin Laden is always like "zomg usa sux LOLz" while waving around an assault rifle. Besides, it seems pretty reasonable to assume that if the terrorists are using Twitter, they've discovered Facebook. In fact, this is correct, and they're so into it that Al-Qaeda has started a Facebook group! And they have like 40 more members than MY Facebook group (which you should obviously should join immediately if you have not done so yet). That's not cool. I like to think that there are far more Razzyphiles out there than America-hating terror cells waiting to strike at my beloved USA! U! S! A!
I don't know why the U.S. Army is so hung up on the possibility of Twitter terror when it's already thriving on Facebook. If I were them, I'd get off my hypothetical ass and hit the terrorists where it really hurts: their online social network. If my friends' attitude toward Facebook is any indication, bin Laden will be in a state of extreme agitation and confusion if he can't check his news feed to see who all of his terrorist buddies are making Facebook friends with, SuperPoke Ayman al-Zawahri, plant something in his friends' "green patches," take a quiz to determine which "Sex and the City" character he most resembles, or change his status to "Osama bin Laden is wishing this cave got Showtime :(" or "Osama bin Laden is AHAHAHAHA you gluttonous infidels, the world economy is collapsing lolZ u westernized whores." Cut off his Facebook, and cut off his terror network. USA! U! S! A!
Labels: crime and punishment, Facebook, terror, United States of Asskickery
Saturday, September 27, 2008
The fourth annual slutty-ass ho Razzy Halloween costume
Every year, I come up with some extra-skanky Halloween costume. This started because the grad student Halloween party I attend annually offered a prize in 2005 for the "most naked" costume, and I intended to win this. I came up with "King Slut," which was basically a bunch of cheap gold jewelry, heavy eyeliner, a pharoah hat, and five rolls of gauze from Rite-Aid. Naturally, I walked out of that party savoring my prize of four cans of Tecate and a cheap ass-flask of Montezuma brand tequila. Victory is sweet.
While no prizes were offered in subsequent years, I continued my tradition of wearing costumes involving as little clothing as possible, because naked is my favorite way to be. Every year, however, I worry that I won't be able to come up with anything good and that I'll have to go with the Lady Godiva costume I've threatened for a while. Showing up completely nude except for a wig is a bit much even for me, so I put a great deal of pressure on myself to come up with something clever and almost naked instead. I've always managed to come up with something, and every year without fail I'm pleased when I get my platonic life partner J-Sexy to bellow, "You have outdone yourself again, Razzy, you scandolos ridicolos ho!"
Luckily, this year I've come up with something timely and relevant that will still allow me to march around in underwear and amuse everyone. This is probably the last year I will attend this grad school soiree, and in fact, it's probably the final year this soiree will even occur, since the fella who throws it is graduating within the next year too. I thus felt especially pressured to go out with a decisive bang. For a minute I thought about going as my new god of cultic worshipfulness Ishtar, but then I remembered that most people probably aren't that familiar with any of the ancient sex deities of the Fertile Crescent and wouldn't get it. Then will a little help from LL Cool Jew, I came up with the perfect costume. It's timely, recognizable, and best of all, allows me to run around in a bikini. With a gun, no less. Before I show you the inspiration for my costume, though, let's just take a walk down memory lane and review the costumes from Halloween parties past.
2005: King Slut
While not an actual historical figure, as I mentioned before, King Slut left that party with the alcoholic spoils of victory. I really did deserve the "most naked" prize. Five rolls of gauze actually don't go very far in terms of coverage.
2006: Kimberly "Lil' Kim" Jones at the 1999 VMAs
This costume was surprisingly difficult to put together. You have no idea how difficult it is to find purple pasties and a purple off-the-breast dress. I had to make that shit! It turned out well. I think people actually believed that like Lil' Kim, I had buffoons eatin' my pussy while I watch cartoons (I do in real life, except I watch football instead of cartoons). And if anyone has use for a purple wig, holler at your girl. I got the hook-up.
2007: Britney Spears at the 2007 VMAs
It's Britney, bitch! I was particularly proud of the attention to detail I lavished on this costume. I even left the Rite-Aid press-on nail off my right ring finger to accurately reflect the acrylic Brit-Brit snapped off during her memorably fucked-up performance of "Gimme More" and swung by the Washington Heights Starbucks for an appropriate beer container.
And, now without further ado...
2008: Governor Sarah Palin (R-AK) in her U! S! A! bikini
Okay, so this picture might be a fake, but as far as I'm concerned, Governor Palin took second place in the Miss Alaska pageant way back when because she wore a two-piece in the swimsuit competition, so it's accurate enough. I'm going to add a "Miss Wasilla" sash for a little extra authenticity. And, for some REAL extra authenticity, Governor Palin is going to be accompanied by her infant son Trig:
All I need is an American flag bikini, some glasses, a brown wig, a rifle, and a Chingy!-sized onesie. CHONGAY CHONG, Governor Palin Halloween costume!
Labels: Britney Spears, intentional buffoonery, Lil' Kim, nudity, United States of Asskickery
Thursday, September 11, 2008
HAPPY 9/11 EVERYBODY!!!!
Another 9/11 has come already?! Shit, and I forgot to hang stockings for Osama Bin Laden to fill with improvised explosive devices and box cutters when he drops down my chimney. Oh wait, wrong holiday. Oops.
Anyway, I tried to cobble together a festive 9/11 card for you all, and figured that there's not much that says "Fuck you, Al Qaeda!" than a reference to the current orgy of freedom known as ELECTION '08!!! Like all elections, this one is so far nothing but classy and honorable, with both candidates saying lovely things about each other. The latest demonstration of maturity and graciousness has been a debate over whether one candidate was just using an expression, or derisively calling the opposing team's vice presidential candidate a pig. I'm thinking it's probably just an expression, because if Obama REALLY wanted to insult Sarah Palin by comparing her to an animal, I can think of a worse one. So can LL Cool Jew, who Gchatted me this morning and wryly observed, "You can put lipstick on a pug, but it's still a pug."
Thus, in the spirit of the sophisticated American democratic process embodied by the current presidential race, Chingy! got all gussied up real faincy-like to wish you a blessed and joyous 9/11.
CHONGAY CHONG, 9/11! USA! U!S!A! U! S! A!
Labels: CHONGAY CHONG, doggity style, intentional buffoonery, politics, terror, United States of Asskickery
Friday, August 15, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Nastia Liukin
DOB: October 30, 1989
Occupation: Olympic women's all-around gold medalist
Hometown: Plano, Texas via Moscow, Russia
Current residence: the gold medal podium, Beijing, China
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: This bitch needs no introduction. My current barely legal crush Nastia took home Olympic gold last night to my utter delight. I was worried for a minute that the 12-year-old Chinese bitch was going to overtake Nastia thanks to some bullshit scoring decisions but finally those pinko cheaters got their comeuppance. I knew those ugly pink barrettes all of Team China seems to favor with their Maoist red uniforms would eventually be their undoing. They need to take some style tips from Nastia and realize that the pink-red combo is only acceptable at your medal ceremony.
I love Nastia because not only does she have the best name in the world, she really is the American dream. Like many who have fled from behind the Iron Curtain, her family settled in Texas, became ex-Stalinist white trash, and perpetuated their gymsnatchtits dynasty. Bred from two world class Soviet gymnasts, she has spent her entire life training to rule everyone's faces off at these Olympics. Her family's story is a true immigrant success story and I'm pretty sure that if she were alive to see it, Emma Lazarus would be shouting "U! S! A! U! S! A!" about the Liukins.
I also applaud Nastia for somehow managing to avoid getting the frightening prepubescent body that many gymnasts in the Bela Karolyi school of competitive eating disorders, and actually has some T&A. Okay, she has A cups, but in her profession that's the equivalent of a Dolly Parton-sized rack. Alright, and admittedly her face is a little wonky too, but she's still my favorite hot piece of trash on Team USA. Even if, as my friend Morrissey'sHair noted yesterday, Alicia Sacramone "has that nasty, New England slut look about her, like she just rolled out of Danvers, Mass looking for a quick bang" and scores points with me by punching out Brown frat boys, I still have to declare my allegiance to Nastia. She might seem like a stuck-up bitch sometimes (Bob Costas refers to this as her "elegance"), but I know how that quiet type does it. Those quiet ones who act like they shit L'Occitane face lotion are usually the dirtiest pervs on the planet, and I'm willing to bet Nastia is no exception. For all those people who are like, "You're gross, Razzy, she's a child!" Well, she's 18, straight-up legal in every state, and I'm ONLY eleven years her senior. I've certainly banged people a decade or more my senior, and look where it's gotten me! I could teach Nastia a thing or two about living up to all the jokes pertaining to her first name, as well as show her a new meaning for her Hollywood debut, Jeff Bridges's magnum opus Stick It!
I'm so excited about Nastia's gold medal that I don't even feel cranky enough to douchebag anybody today. YAY for Nastia! USA! U! S! A! U! S! A!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot chicks, Olympics, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Sleeping with the enemy
I have always wondered when I take random pictures of me doing standard Razzified shit with my dogs why I always regard Chingy! with such an obvious expression of "what the fuck, asshole?!" I thought it was always due to his Too $hort-esque tendencies, or his cacophagic inclinations, or his starfish pant-stamping, or his overall rePUGnancy. However, now I've realized that this has taken a decidedly nationalistic tone. Why do I look so annoyed in the below picture? Because Chingy! is not on board with freedom.
Chingy! is not rooting for team USA. LL Cool Jew and I were texting yesterday about the TOTALLY CHEATING Chinese gymsnatchtits team, and she suggested that my morbidly obese dog is rooting for the enemy. In fairness, Pugs were sort of appropriated by the Dutch sometime around the end of the Dark Ages as far as breeding goes, but I'm willing to work with the "Chingy! is an asshole, and thus is rooting for the nation that originally bred his assholish, incorrigibly lazy kind" a millenium ago. Sure, Pugs have occupied a place in the footnotes of European history. Some Pug saved William of Orange's life from assassins in the sixteenth century and Empress Josephine used Pugs to deliver secret notes to Napoleon, but I assume these outlying events are entirely stochastic. Relying on a Pug to bark a warning is more ill-advised than relying on Al Gore to admit that freon-containing appliances are critical to a sound energy policy. Chingy! cannot be relied upon to do anything besides snore loudly, sleep constantly, eat indigent feces, and sneeze contemptuously when rebuked. I am hardly surprised that he is rooting for our national Olympic enemy China, especially when considering that the Chinese are known to violate human rights, suppress free speech, and cheat at gymsnatchtits.
.
Last night, this "Chongay is pro-Team China" theory gained some credence when this asshole not only woke from his typical deep slumber to wag his question mark for "March of the Volunteers." The idea that Chingy! would volunteer for any type of people's work is laughable; however, he apparently likes the pinko tunes enough to actually work his tail a bit to the beat. He also had this look on his face when I asked, "Hey CHONGAY, what do you think about the fact that your Olympic women's gymsnatchtits team won by faking their ages?"
CHONGAY CHONG, Team USA!!
.
Last night, this "Chongay is pro-Team China" theory gained some credence when this asshole not only woke from his typical deep slumber to wag his question mark for "March of the Volunteers." The idea that Chingy! would volunteer for any type of people's work is laughable; however, he apparently likes the pinko tunes enough to actually work his tail a bit to the beat. He also had this look on his face when I asked, "Hey CHONGAY, what do you think about the fact that your Olympic women's gymsnatchtits team won by faking their ages?"
Labels: CHONGAY CHONG, doggity style, Olympics, United States of Asskickery
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Misty May-Treanor
DOB: July 30, 1977
Occupation: U.S. Olympic beach volleyball player
Hometown: Costa Mesa, California
Current residence: Chaoyang Park Beach Volleyball Grounds, Beijing, China
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I have never cared much for volleyball, indoor or outdoor. As much as I should be able to get behind any sport that requires either kneepads or bikinis, I usually find it pretty boring. This may be due to my childhood years of sucking harder than a homeless woman in Tacoma with no meth at CYO volleyball due to my mediocre talent at the sport (and calling my abilities "mediocre" is being generous). However, when Olympics time rolls around, I get into beach volleyball. There is one reason for my interest, and her name is Misty May-Treanor.
Not only is this chick totally awesome at beach volleyball (I mean, I guess...she and her partner Kerri Walsh always win and are defending their gold medal), but she also is totally hot. Her prowess at the sport is impressive, but more impressive is what she did the other day when President Bush showed up to watch team May-Treanor/Walsh gear up to kick some foreigner ass. After showing her skills off for Dubya, she decided to keep with beach volleyball tradition and offer her ass for him to tap. "Mr. President...want to?" she asked.
In yet another of the many discredits to President Bush's name, he declined and just ran his hand across her lower back. Nonetheless, I have to give props to Misty for trying. Not everyone can claim that they tried to get the (inept) leader of the free world to spank them. She can rest assured that in four years, President McCain will probably be glad to give that hard posterior a firm smack. Even though Bush isn't being a very good American, thank God Misty May-Treanor is making up for it by standing up for one of our most hallowed traditions: slapping a hot chick's fine ass. She is a true patriot and an exemplary representative of the most freedom-loving nation in all the world. I think she's also going to win a gold medal or something, too. Go Misty May-Treanor! USA! U! S! A! U! S! A!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot chicks, Olympics, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Monday, August 11, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Michael Phelps
DOB: June 30, 1985
Occupation: king of the swimming pool
Hometown: Baltimore, Maryland
Current residence: Olympic Village, Beijing, China
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I normally find Michael Phelps annoying. He seems like the kind of guy who gives people a lot of "I'm Michael Phelps, fellate me" attitude when the camera's off. Sure, he has the reputation of being a really nice guy, but I'm not buying it. People said that about Apolo Anton Ohno, too, and I can tell that guy is likewise a grade A prick to be around. It's always the supposedly really nice people who are actually cocks in their personal lives. I also hate that Michael Phelps looks like the bastard child that Archie Manning abandoned at birth.
So, for the next two weeks I'm changing my usual "sha, Michael Phelps" attitude to a "GO KICK SOME FOREIGN ASS, MICHAEL PHELPS!" attitude. USA! U! S! A!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Olympics, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Daily Douchebag: Alain Bernard
DOB: May 1, 1983
Occupation: Olympic swimmer, un-backing-up shit talker
Hometown: Aubagne, France
Current residence: the ignonimy of defeat, Beijing, China
Douchebaggery: I have spent so much time rooting against China that I've forgotten that there are plenty of other countries whose asses I'd like America to summarily kick, as well. One of the leaders among my most-hated foreign nations is France. Apart from producing some solid wine, cheese, pepper steak, baguettes, inspiration for my boy Chopin to compose some of his greatest piano works, and part of the backdrop for my favorite Hemingway novel, France leads Europe in the garnering of my disdain. I can't stand the snotty, entitled attitude that the French are famous for, and nothing brings out my inner uncouth asshole redneck American like a Frenchman waxing on about how culturally superior his country is. One time, back when I lived in Seattle, I was at this pretentious bar with a couple of my coworkers and was making fun of how another colleague used to show off his high school French–or at least his over-the-top French accent–whenever he called one of our collaborators in France.
"And zen, Docteur So-and-So, yeu will spectratype ze T cells, oui? J'adore yeur deft analeesees of our samples, cheri," I was saying, while my coworkers laughed. The guy sitting next to us at the bar overheard, and butted in.
"I am Française," he said bitchily. "Zis ees exactly why we zink Americaines are steupeed eediots." He gave me a look like, "DAMN, I just owned you, Americaine swine!" Bad idea.
"Oh, really? Well, if you don't like it, none of us will stop you from going back to France. In fact, that would be preferable, since that way we won't have to endure your rude butting in to our conversation."
The French guy just glared at me and rolled his eyes. I wasn't having it. Time to break out my favorite anti-French insult. It's clichéd, but like blue jeans, Coca-Cola, or blow jobs, it never goes out of style.
"Don't give me that 'oh, you crude American' eye roll, Pierre. If it weren't for us, your ass would be speaking German right now." At that point the French guy decided he'd had enough, and promptly began ignoring us. I started telling obnoxious French jokes loudly to my coworker friends, who were enjoying the whole spectacle. "Why are French tanks equipped with rearview mirrors? So they can see the battle," I said. French guy settled his tab and left shortly thereafter. I win again and as usual!
Anyway, very few things satisfy me more than putting an overconfident Frenchman in his place, and I'm glad the U.S. men's Olympic swimming team could do just that. Apparently, one of the few things France is good at besides insufferable condescension is men's swimming. As I would expect from an athlete originating in the country where the word "douche" originated, one of the guys from Team France decided to dismissively shit-talk Team USA's prospects in the 4x100 m relay. "The Americans?" said French swimmer Alain Bernard. "We're going to smash them. That's what we came here for." That's some serious dick-swinging being done by a lead singer-of-Coldplay-looking man who has to rely on a shark tattoo to butch himself up.
Alain should have taken some lessons from other incidences of "we will crush you" shit-talking that backfired hard. Once Roy Williams of the Detroit Lions foolishly vowed to crush the Chicago Bears after they opened the season losing 9-6 to the Seahawks, after adding, "it was stupid how close we were to putting forty points on the board." The vaunted 2006 Lions went on to lose 34-6 to Chicago. In another incident, then-Seahawks tight-end Jerramy Stevens made some comments prior to Super Bowl XL, saying, "It's going to be a sad day when (Jerome Bettis) doesn't walk off the field with that trophy." To this day, I blame Jerramy Stevens's hubris almost as much as I blame Bill Leavy's heavily Steeler-biased officiating for a day that lives in infamy with 12th Men everywhere. There are countless instances of some player firing off his mouth and then getting spanked for it when it matters, and if Alain Bernard weren't so busy looking down his elitist French nose at Team USA, he might have considered that prior to giving our guys some motivation.
Not only did Team USA take the gold in the 4x100 relay, they completely owned Alain Bernard and his compatriots in the process. It appeared that going into the final 100 meters, France was winning. Luckily Jason Lezak wasn't about to let Alain Bernard or the French-held world record in this event get in his way. He made up America's lost time and kicked Alain Bernard's ass in the final 50 meters and set a world record for relay split swimming in the process. To add extra sweetness to the victory, the record Lezak broke was Bernard's. Suck on that, Alain Bernard and France. USA! U! S! A! U! S! A!
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, Olympics, overcompensation, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Friday, August 08, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: the Olympics
DOB: August 8, 2008
Occupation: the most-watched trash on my TV for two weeks
Hometown: Beijing, China
Current residence: Beijing, China and NBC
Why I Want to Hit the Olympics: I love the Olympics. I'm always down for a dick-swinging competition, especially one upon which rides the bragging rights of nations. I'm also always down for any excuse to shout "USA! U! S! A!" and trash other countries. I'm particularly excited for this Olympics, because we finally have some international frienemies to hate on the way we used to do with the Soviets. I'm going to break out the Toby Keith and get my America on. Besides, if I really want to stick it to those pinko Chinese, I'm not going to get all self-righteous, turn off the TV, bitch about human rights, and break out my made in China Free Tibet flag. No, like any true American patriot, I'm going to order a pizza, crack a cold beer, and watch our women's gymnastics team smote their commie ruin upon the uneven bars, and Michael Phelps leer dully down like a long-lost Manning brother at their swimmers from the top of the gold medal podium. You know why we won the Cold War? It had less to do with a four decade-long nuclear pissing contest than our routine beating down the Eastern Bloc like O.J. Simpson with a mouthy blonde girlfriend. Freedom makes for better athletes, and I have no doubt now that our unfettered internet access, legalized big Caesar-sized dogs, slightly less polluted cities, lack of prisoner organ harvesting, and ubiquitous corporate fast food franchises will result in a veritable Fort Knox of Olympic gold for team U! S! A!
And to celebrate our impending dominance, I'm skipping the artfaggy Opening Ceremonies to drink some Miller Lite with lesbians, criticize the government, and generally participate in some shameless pro-American jingoism. USA! U! S! A!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Olympics, United States of Asskickery
Monday, July 21, 2008
We'll put a boot in China's ass, it's the American way
I'm getting pretty stoked for the Olympics, and I just read an article from Sunday's Telegraph that reminded me why. Entitled "Battle for gold offers China first chance to 'defeat' America," the piece describes how China is gearing up to kick our freedom-loving asses this August in Beijing:
China's emerging rivalry with America as a global superpower will move into the sporting arena next month as its Olympic athletes strive to oust their US counterparts from the top of the medals table for the first time.Oh, it's ON, bitches! I loved growing up during Cold War Olympics because it was so fun to root against the Russians. Even though I was nine when the Summer Olympics were held in Seoul in 1988 and I was more concerned with my lesbian scientist Barbies and riding my bike than studying the nuances of our drama with the U.S.S.R., I knew that as an American I had to feel one way: LET'S KICK SOME COMMIE ASS!
In a showdown reminiscent of the Cold War-era battles for Olympian dominance, China has put unprecedented effort into ensuring that Beijing 2008 will be a sporting triumph as well as a logistical one.
With their athletes already dominant in events such as gymnastics, table tennis and martial arts, Chinese sporting chiefs have spent the past few years focusing on disciplines where Americans have traditionally excelled, including swimming, basketball and athletics.
China's attempt to end America's run of supremacy at the last three Games will add an East-West frisson not seen since the demise of the Soviet Union, which topped the medals board eight times in the post-war period. While the rest of the world's eyes will be on the heroics of the individual contestants, Chinese officials will pay closest attention to the total medal tally. Some expect America to take an early lead with the many swimming events in the first few days – but be squeezed by China as other disciplines kick in.
Darryl Seibel, a spokesman for the US Olympic Committee, said: "We expect this to be one of the most competitive Olympics in recent history. That is down to a combination of China's investment in its Olympic programme, Russia's decision to do the same and the policy of some nations like Britain, which are targeting specific medals in sports that are important to them. China has to be considered the favourite. Every host nation receives a huge boost."
It didn't matter to me then that all I knew about the Soviet Union was that they had bread lines, thought police, lots of tanks, weird-looking churches, something evil called the KGB, MIG fighter jets that guys from Top Gun shoot down, and a cold-ass part of the country called Siberia. Oh, and they displayed Lenin's body like the damn Declaration of Independence (gross), weren't free, and hated America. All of that sounded pretty bad to me, so I was glad to ignore that pussified Sting "I bet the Russians love their children too" garbage and root against those pinko cocksuckers in any and all Olympic sporting contests. Besides, channeling major philosophical, political, and historical disagreements into an international sports contest is a hell of a lot more fun and constructive than nuclear war.
Since the Soviet Union's collapse, we haven't had any really good national rivals to hate on during the games of the whatever Olympiad, and that's disappointing to me. It's just no fun to hate on the Russians since we stopped fearing that they might annihilate us with 400 kiloton Sloika warheads at any moment. As far as our enemies abroad are concerned, I can't get too excited about hating on Iran or North Korea's Olympic team, because I have yet to see any of their athletes at the Olympics. In fact, Wikipedia tells me that Iran last mounted the podium with Olympic gold at the Melbourne summer games in 1956. Sadly for all of us freedom-loving patriots looking for an enemy, Al Qaeda doesn't have an Olympic team. Even if they were a sovereign nation and thus permitted to compete, I would wager that they wouldn't be much of a threat anyway, since making crazy videos of anti-western rhetori-babble for Al-Jazeera, airline hijacking, and illegal arms trading aren't Olympic events.
Therefore, I'm glad China has stepped in to fill the void of vicious international rival. Finally I've found something that I can see eye to eye with the annoyingly disruptive, hypocritical, patently stupid Free Tibet protestors on: hating on China hard. It's too bad all those losers are boycotting the Olympics, because I would think that watching Michael Phelps smote some Chinese ruin on the side of the swimming pool would be a truly satisfying way of dealing out some karmic reward for their shoddy human rights record. This year, China may have been focusing on traditionally American-dominated sports, but we are not only going to kick their ass at swimming, we're going to kick their ass at traditional Chinese-dominated sports like women's gymnastics too! Sure, America may be up to its tits in Chinese loans to cover the Iraq War, but that will make it even more satisfying when Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin open a can of gymnastic supremacy all over the People's Republic. I'm glad we finally have some real rivals to hate for once at the Olympics, because it will make it that much more sweet when we stomp their asses with nationalistic pride not seen since Gorbachev was running shit at the Kremlin.
And if China wants to know what happens when a Communist superpower tries to get the better of the U.S. of A, I would advise them to watch a little movie called RED DAWN:
That's right, China...WOLVERINES! USA! U! S! A! U! S! A!
That's right, China...WOLVERINES! USA! U! S! A! U! S! A!
Labels: I LOVE IT, international intrigue, Olympics, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: U.S. Army Spc. Jeremy Hall
DOB: 1985???
Occupation: patriotic atheist
Hometown: ???
Current residence: Fort Riley, Kansas
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: According to an article on CNN.com, Jeremy Hall was raised Baptist, but then he took up with some atheists and decided that was more his speed, so he rejected Josh Christ as his Lord and Savior. Converting to atheism or any other spiritual belief is 100% cool with the Constitution, and one might think that the dudes in the army (where Jeremy Hall is employed) would be okay with Spc. Hall exercising his constitutional rights. However, this is the military still boasting George W. Bush as its commander-in-chief and that apparently means onward, Christian soldiers. He was passed up for promotions because his inability to pray with the troops meant he wouldn't make a good leader. He was so harassed by his fellow men in uniform that the Army had to assign him a full-time bodyguard for his own safety. Therefore, Jeremy decided to do what any freedom-loving, red-blooded American would do: he's suing the tits off the Army, the Department of Defense, and Defense Secretary Robert Gates.
I applaud Jeremy for taking a stand, because from personal experience, I know that nobody should have to put up with harassment or intimidation at work. I also can only imagine it must be especially difficult in Jeremy's line of work. Apparently on his last tour in Iraq, his Humvee was attacked and he was nearly killed, and the first thing his fellow soldier said to him was, "Do you believe in Jesus now?" On other occasions his life was threatened, which sounds to me like behavior JC would surely condone. I know that Jesus, who all but said, "Hey, dudes, crucify me if you're so fucking intent upon doing so," preached humility and turning the other cheek, and forgave his Jupiter-worshiping Roman executioners, was totally the type who would make an exception from his generally pacifist teachings to kick some God-rejecting faggot's ass. Those Army evangelicals are certainly the embodiment of Christian love and compassion.
I find that attitude especially obnoxious, as I am a Christian myself. In fact, I'm Catholic, and we've since learned our lesson about getting too much Jesus in our military affairs. About a thousand years ago, Pope Urban II got this hare-brained notion that we should reclaim the Holy Land in Jesus's name, and so began the Crusades. Those worked so well that not only did we not take back Jerusalem, we ensured that the entire world thought we were a bunch of marauding, rapacious assholes. Not content with learning our lesson about militarily-imposed zealotry from the damn Crusades, another brilliant series of (probably insanely corrupt, affair-having, wealth-hoarding) popes decided to throw a party called the Inquisition, except by "party" I mean "witch hunt terrorizing Jews, Protestants, scientists, and anyone else with a brain having different ideas from the Catholics." That worked out well; thanks to the Inquisition, my religious faith can now be associated with things like the Iron Maiden, the rack, and stake-burnings. In fact, my own church didn't realize until John Paul II's hot ass decided to apologize to the entire world for the Crusades and the Inquistion. And the conquest of the Americas. And persecuting Galileo. And the church's involvement in the slave trade. And the Vatican's complicity in the Holocaust (basically, Pope Pius XII sitting around jerking off while the Nazis deported the Jews of Rome under his nose). My faith has at least finally realized how violently forcing our religious beliefs down other people's throats is sinful and contrary to the message of Christ, though it took us over a millenium to man up and say sorry. I guess that means sometime around the year 3500 the evangelicals will catch on that running their own Crusades (otherwise known as the Iraq War) is wrong, and so is hating on their brothers in arms who have exercised the religious freedom we are supposedly fighting the war to defend.
I have to give props to Jeremy Hall for being a true patriot and demanding that the Army recognize his right to choose atheism as a spiritual belief. I also give props to his buddy Michael Weinstein, a retired Air Force officer and director for the Military Religious Freedom Foundation, who joined the suit with him and is using it as an excuse to make awesome statements to the press. After pointing out that he has received complaints about religious persecution from over 8,000 service members, Michael made a bunch of sharp statements criticizing the "Pentacostalgon" needing to get the message that our brave soldiers need have only one religion on the battlefield: patriotism. And whether the person in our military is a fundamentalist Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, or an atheist, they are making a sacrifice for our country and deserve better than threats from one another over religious freedom. I hope Jeremy Hall owns the Pentacostalgon's ass.
Labels: Catholicism, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Dear God, defiance, hot dudes, legal drama, United States of Asskickery
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: the U.S. Women's Olympic Gymnastics Team
DOB: 1988-1994
Occupation: kicking some Chinese gymnastics team ass (and the rest of the world's too) in Beijing come August!
Hometown: everywhere from Des Moines, Iowa to Moscow, Russia
Current residence: wherever Marta Karolyi is running her Olympics team training camp
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Sunday night, LL Cool Jew and I were watching the U.S. Olympics Trials in women's gymnastics. LL Cool Jew is Olympics-crazy, so I can always count on her to do some interstate trial watching via text message. Since girls–including me–seem to invariably have an innate interest in gymnastics, I figured that she would be watching this for sure and I wasn't wrong. In fact, the only thing that kept her from the whole thing was some wedding shower she had to attend.
Razzy: R u watchn the olympic trials?In addition to being excited about the appearance of the excessively energetic Bela Karolyi and feeling sufficiently gross for having dirty lesbian fantasies about a 16-year-old, I am really looking forward to watching our national gymnastics team kick some international ass come August. I did some internets research on the ladies, and surmised that LL Cool Jew's prediction of Olympic glory for our gymnasts is very, very possible. I also checked Wikipedia and discovered that Nastia Liukin is actually 18, so I'm marginally less of a creep. Shawn Johnson, bitch though I think she is behind closed doors, apparently does the most technically difficult, complicated gymnastics moves in the sport. Nastia Liukin has won four all-around world championships. Alicia Sacramone has seven various world championship medals under her leotard belt, and Chellsie Memmel also has an all-around world championship, and has two separate moves named after her. These bitches are totally fierce and they are going to kick ass. Plus, as LL Cool Jew pointed out, they do not look as emaciated as gymnasts typically do. All these ladies have at least A cups (which for a gymnast is an unbelievable rack) and many of them have fine, round asses. I do not feel as disturbed as I normally do watching elite gymnasts running around in their leotards, because they actually appear to have gone through puberty and don't look like super athletic versions of Gollum.
LL Cool Jew: dude! just got hm from shittastic bridal showr. takn th dogs out thn change thn trials! s th gymnastics on yet?
Razzy: Yes! Gymsnatchtits on now!
LL Cool Jew: did u know this yrs wmns gymnastics team may b th strongest ever?? shawn johnson, nastia liukin n chellsie memmel r the 1s 2 watch!
Razzy: Shawn johnson just won a trip 2 beijing!
LL Cool Jew: o shit! i'll b on th couch in 5
LL Cool Jew: shit! is it over??
Razzy: Almost. Some loser prancn 2 tocatta and fugue
Razzy: Dude i wld have a kells jam 4 my floor routine
LL Cool Jew: just turned it on. dont they look less deprived n hungry as gymnasts usually r?
Razzy: Yes! They all have t & a.
Razzy: I miss bela karolyis crazy ass on the gymnasty scene
Razzy: Shawn johnson s such a bitch. I can tell.
LL Cool Jew: u r so mean! she was gracious. n dont worry abt misn bela, his wifes th coach now. he'll b around
Razzy: I m such a hater but m telln u: sj s a nightmare when the cameras r off
LL Cool Jew: omg have u seen alicia scarmone. she is my girlfriend dude
Razzy: S that ths blonde ho?
Razzy: Her taste n music sux hard
LL Cool Jew: kinda dark blond. blue leotard. h o t.
Razzy: Floor exercise music blows
Razzy: Ths music s like carnaval meets a rave n the basement of emerson house. Lame
LL Cool Jew: i thnk th us womens gymnastics team is th daily dude. shawn johnson n nastia l. r th no. 1 & 2 gymnsts n th world! we will dominate! u! s! a!
LL Cool Jew: vault n esp balance beam r th best (and most dangerous)
Razzy: Balance beam blows my mind
LL Cool Jew: i know! th level of difficulty is such that its hard 2 fathom what yr seeing s evn possible
LL Cool Jew: o! n ths chelsea memml was the 2003 world champion but got injurd n cdnt go 2 athens n now shes makn her big comeback!
LL Cool Jew: watch: sj on wheaties box *with a quickness*
Razzy: Trust. I thnk nastia s hot n has a hot ass name
LL Cool Jew: her eyes are wonky. her name s scary.
LL Cool Jew: they hate each other
Razzy: Shes a terror n the sack. Shes nastia!
Razzy: Id hit it w nastia liukin
LL Cool Jew: shes 16
Razzy: Alicia sacramone is hot. Id hit that 2
LL Cool Jew: and shes 20! but i saw her first
LL Cool Jew: nastia s 16. alicia s 20.
Razzy: 16? My bad. Again, cue the bump n grind remix
Razzy: Ill look up nastia n 2 years
LL Cool Jew: alicia sacarmone has lesbish body language
Razzy: Shes no stranger to a clam bake 4 sure
Razzy: Yes! Bela!
LL Cool Jew: theres bela
Apparently, the next day, LL Cool Jew got into it with her mother about our gymnastics team. LL Cool Jew's mom is a kung fu master who used to work as a bodyguard for the Black Panthers in the 70s, and her radical leanings apparently stunt her patriotism somewhat. In spite of the fact that I know LL Cool Jew's mom watches the Olympics, she apparently roots for foreigners "on principle."
LL Cool Jew: you knowEven if LL Cool Jew's mom isn't feeling it, I'm still convinced that our gymnastics team is going to smote some Chinese and Romanian and Russian and every other gymnastics-loving nation's ruin on the mountainside. USA! U!S!A! U!S!A!
LL Cool Jew: i just have to tell you this story about my mom
LL Cool Jew: you will so be the exact right person to tell about this
Razzy: k
LL Cool Jew: she is 100% the person ronald reagan meant when he talked about the "blame america first crowd"
Razzy: lol for realz
LL Cool Jew: we were talking about the u.s. women's gymnastics team
LL Cool Jew: i was remarking on how dominant they will be
Razzy:: she started to hate?
LL Cool Jew: and i had the temerity to add a little "U! S! A!" at the end
Razzy: i love the U! S! A!
Razzy: that is like my favorite american thing to do
LL Cool Jew: she totz went ballistic
LL Cool Jew: about how jingoistic i was being
LL Cool Jew: and i was like
LL Cool Jew: HOLD ON LADY.
Razzy: "jingoistic"
Razzy: lol
LL Cool Jew: the olympics are ALL ABOUT NATIONALISM
Razzy: sorry, mom, but you ARE american
LL Cool Jew: and do you think your precious CHINESE aren't approaching this as the most major NATIONALISTIC DEMONSTRATION IN THEIR 5000-YEAR HISTORY????
Razzy: either love the olympics or STFU!
Razzy: well, for fucking real!
Razzy: is she rooting for china?
LL Cool Jew: she DOES love teh olympics but she likes to root for foreigners on principle!
LL Cool Jew: what principle? don't ask
LL Cool Jew: i don't know
LL Cool Jew: BLAME AMERICA FIRST i guess
LL Cool Jew: and i was like look
LL Cool Jew: the economy's in the shitter
LL Cool Jew: we have a craptastic and emabrrassing president
LL Cool Jew: the dollar ain't worth a damn
LL Cool Jew: we could use some cheering up!
Razzy: let's get excited about our gymsnatchtits team!
LL Cool Jew: nothing like a good old-fashioned display of american excellence to perk us up!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, LL Cool Jew, Olympics, sportsmen, United States of Asskickery
Friday, May 30, 2008
Rachael Ray hates freedom
If there's one East Coast franchise I love almost as much as classic Razzy favorites such as historical nonfiction about seamen, porn, Seahawks football, pepperoni pizza, cunnilingus, or R. Kelly, it's Dunkin' Donuts. They have great fucking coffee, and in college I lived off the stuff. I was delighted to see that the Jenzi Lounge down the street from me--an establishment I'd only been to once because the only thing they served was a drink called "the nutcracker" which was by my estimation grain alcohol and red Kool-Aid--had gone out of business and was being converted into a D'n'D.
However, my love for D'n'D has been tainted by a terrible marketing strategy on their part, namely the appointment of Rachael Ray as their spokesperson. In the past, I've actually offered a sexual bounty on Rachael Ray's head because I loathe her so deeply. Nothing makes me want to burn every last Dunkin' Donuts in the world like hearing her proclaim in her amphetamine-crazed rasp that her coffee is "delish." Luckily, there's hope. I had heard a bit of news about this previously, but hadn't really paid attention due to conditioning myself to tune out anything involving "Rachael Ray" for the sake of my fellow man, as her very name makes me feel like going on a murder spree. However, devout Razzyphile L&L e-mailed this to me, and I decided I couldn't ignore it since clearly I am not alone in my militant anti-Rachael Ray sentiments. This also represents the first time I've felt anything like admiration towards Michelle Malkin (I mean, I'm a Republican, but I'm a McCain Republican, not one of those irrational blithering neo-con fuckwits).
From: L&L (lnl@razzyphile.ca)To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)Subject: The real and present danger hiding behind Dunkin Donuts
oh my god Razzy - have you seen this?
*Dunkin Donuts Pulls Ad Featuring Rachael Ray In A Scarf That Looks Too Arab!*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dunkin Donuts has pulled a commercial featuring pitchwoman Rachael Ray wearing a scarf because Michelle Malkin and other conservative observers thought the scarf looked too much like a keffiyeh, what Malkin describes as "the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/05/28/dunkin-donuts-pulls-ad-fe_n_103859.html
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Clearly Rachel Ray is a Terrorist.
Personally, I always felt it. The way she mixes chili ... her recipes ... that MAN voice of hers... her incessant yell-talking.
The real offense? That Rachel Ray lives and, that she just won't admit she's really a man. I fucking HATE this bitch.
Thank GAWD for the likes of Michelle Malkin and the other right wing fanaticals. Now I can enjoy my apple fritter knowing no evil-doer was harboured.
Phew!
xo
L&L
I not only stand in solidarity with L&L concerning her many criticisms of Rachael Ray, I think that pulling the Dunkin' Donuts ad is not enough. Not only should Dunkin' Donuts pull EVERY ad that has ever featured Rachael Ray, I think that the Department of Homeland Security ought to ship her ass to Gitmo and waterboard the bejesus out of her for her crimes against freedom.
Okay, fine, so MAYBE they sell those keffiyeh-esque scarves at Urban Outfitters so that the hipster morons of the world can take fashion cues from Yasser Arafat as well as Che Guevara, and maybe none of those dipshits have been hauled off by the thought police yet. However, I think that the combination of her PLO/Hamas gear with her ruining the reputation of a sacred American institution like Dunkin' Donuts constitutes some kind of Patriot Act violation. If Rachael Ray disappears to some secret treason court, then I could say with confidence that the Bush administration did at least ONE good thing during its eight years of tyrannical ineptitude.
Send some Blackwater mercenaries to her crib to haul her away already. USA! U!S!A! U!S!A!
Labels: assholes, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, sluts, terror, United States of Asskickery
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
My name is Razzy, and I am a Republican
A lot of my friends have been wondering why I'm so pro-McCain. Because I'm socially very liberal in my beliefs, they just can't fathom why I would vote for a conservative Republican. Some people have chalked this up to my desire to be a contrarian asshole, and I'd be lying if I didn't say this was partly true. Philosophically, I'm a moderate libertarian. I believe that the government should be very small, taxes should be extremely low, and the only thing that our elected officials should be worried about are maintaining basic infrastructure and the military. I don't think the government has any business legislating morality or making exceptions to the civil liberties guaranteed in our Constitution. I also think that the economy should be as free-market as it can get. Therefore, I don't vote based on social issues. I vote for people who have a conservative, pro-business voting record and who make an effort to eliminate corruption and graft from Washington. Thus...John McCain.
There are a lot of things I'm not crazy about with regard to Senator McCain. I'm certainly not wild about his affiliating himself with Bush for political reasons, but I take comfort in knowing that the Jesus freak neo-cons in the Republican party hate his hot liver-spotty ass. I'd certainly rather support a more fiscally conservative war hero than a spend-happy socialist like Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. I think the poster that Scores hung up in honor of Presidents' Day says it all (and note...Scores, a world-famous strip club, isn't discriminating against Hillary for her female gender):
I don't really know how Bloomberg got in there since he's not even technically running (yet) other than via wishful thinking by New Yorkers, but I have to say that a McCain-Bloomberg ticket is way more appealing to me than a Clinton-Obama (or vice-versa) ticket. Business would boom (thus creating jobs and helping our flagging economy) and America wouldn't be spending $500-800 billion we don't have on unproven social programs and tax cuts which may not even be implementable. In fact, this past Sunday morning I realized that I truly am a fiscal Republican when I was having sex to "The Cost of Freedom" business block on Fox News and I actually got turned on listening to Neil Cavuto and friends slam Obama for his demonization of corporate interests and recommending that you pad your kids' college funds with tobacco company stocks. I plan to buy my NFL team based on the record profits of the biotech empire I'm going to found, and I can't do that without the Bush tax cuts in place. So fuck off, Obama, you price-controlling, NAFTA-hating, over-regulating, anti-capitalist pinko!
Furthering my disdain for Barack Obama was a shot that I saw from the Houston Fox affiliate of a local Obama campaign office. I was appalled:
Yes, that's right...Obama's people hung up a Cuban flag emblazoned with the iconic portrait of Che Guevara so favored by pseudo-intellectual hipsters buying faux vintage shirts at Urban Outfitters. Good thinking, Obama staffers. At least now I'm clear on what's underlying Obama's fluent and insubstantial rhetoric: a desire to emulate a communist revolutionary who facilitated Castro's rise to power by executing hundreds of political dissidents without a trial. I was confused about what kind of "change" Obama was advocating, but now I know that in addition to promising a whole lot of vaguely elucidated reforms our country can't afford, he encourages people to find hope and inspiration in a socialist who spent the majority of his life fomenting bloody guerrilla wars. I especially like the peace sign flag that Obama's people have hung alongside the Che flag. Nothing says "peace" like a guy who was basically a mercenary specializing in violent political upheaval inclined to kill those speaking out against the policies he advocated. Either Obama's campaign is woefully ignorant of history or far more insidious than I thought. Next to this, McCain looks pretty damn solid.
I am tired of people being shocked that I am a Republican, at least in this election. I don't like hypocrites, and I don't like idiots, and McCain is less of both. So that's why I'm voting for John McCain this November (assuming he gets the nomination, which he will). I genuinely believe that he would be better for America than anyone the Democrats can offer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go listen to some Toby Keith and eat some freedom fries. John! Mc! Cain! U! S! A!
There are a lot of things I'm not crazy about with regard to Senator McCain. I'm certainly not wild about his affiliating himself with Bush for political reasons, but I take comfort in knowing that the Jesus freak neo-cons in the Republican party hate his hot liver-spotty ass. I'd certainly rather support a more fiscally conservative war hero than a spend-happy socialist like Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. I think the poster that Scores hung up in honor of Presidents' Day says it all (and note...Scores, a world-famous strip club, isn't discriminating against Hillary for her female gender):
I don't really know how Bloomberg got in there since he's not even technically running (yet) other than via wishful thinking by New Yorkers, but I have to say that a McCain-Bloomberg ticket is way more appealing to me than a Clinton-Obama (or vice-versa) ticket. Business would boom (thus creating jobs and helping our flagging economy) and America wouldn't be spending $500-800 billion we don't have on unproven social programs and tax cuts which may not even be implementable. In fact, this past Sunday morning I realized that I truly am a fiscal Republican when I was having sex to "The Cost of Freedom" business block on Fox News and I actually got turned on listening to Neil Cavuto and friends slam Obama for his demonization of corporate interests and recommending that you pad your kids' college funds with tobacco company stocks. I plan to buy my NFL team based on the record profits of the biotech empire I'm going to found, and I can't do that without the Bush tax cuts in place. So fuck off, Obama, you price-controlling, NAFTA-hating, over-regulating, anti-capitalist pinko!
Furthering my disdain for Barack Obama was a shot that I saw from the Houston Fox affiliate of a local Obama campaign office. I was appalled:
I am tired of people being shocked that I am a Republican, at least in this election. I don't like hypocrites, and I don't like idiots, and McCain is less of both. So that's why I'm voting for John McCain this November (assuming he gets the nomination, which he will). I genuinely believe that he would be better for America than anyone the Democrats can offer. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go listen to some Toby Keith and eat some freedom fries. John! Mc! Cain! U! S! A!
Labels: assholes, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, libertarians rule, politics, tyrannical rulers, United States of Asskickery
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Adrian Peterson
DOB: March 21, 1985
Occupation: running back for the Minnesota Vikings
Hometown: Palestine, Texas
Current residence: Eden Prairie, Minnesota
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Thanks to Adrian Peterson's performance against the Bears last night, I do not have to play my friend NeisMan's all-Patriots team in the Columbia Ballers fantasy league Super Bowl V. Oh, right...I guess I should
Now, I just need Adrian Peterson to get in some sort of horrible car accident that causes a broken leg or some other season-ending injury before next Sunday so that I can defeat the J's and the P's. Last time I played them, I
Oh, and Adrian Peterson's not too bad looking, either. I'd hit that. More than once.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Fantasia, hot dudes, NFL football, United States of Asskickery
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Just say yes to space weapons
LL Cool Jew sent me the following article yesterday, because of my fascination with the winner of the most impish and spritely vegan Democratic presidential candidate award, Dennis Kucinich. As LL Cool Jew would say, "Kucinich is KRAZAY."
I always knew Kucinich was crazed and into all sorts of kooky space stuff, but I have a hard time believing that UFOs are cruising around Graham. Graham and the similar towns of Yelm and Roy are repositories for crazies. Shirley MacLaine lived in Graham in the first place not for the annual delight that is the Pierce County Fair at the Graham Fairgrounds (and which pales in comparison to doing the Puyallup), but because J.Z. Knight lived out in Yelm. J.Z. Knight is a now-passe psychic cult leader, who claims to channel Ramtha, a thirty-thousand year old warrior spirit from the sunken continent of Atlantis. Despite my mother performing an abdominal ultrasound on J.Z. Knight once and not seeing hide nor hair of Ramtha kicking it inside J.Z. Knight, a bunch of now largely forgotten celebrities were into this. Shirley MacLaine, along with Linda Evans AKA Joan Collins's preferred catfight opponent on the sublime "Dynasty" and her then-boyfriend Yanni, were all into this. Ramtha had all sorts of nutty ideas during his heyday in the 80s, but he never quite caught on like Scientology. It's surprising, because Ramtha's predictions aren't all that far removed from Scientology's. Ramtha has made all sorts of predictions about lizard aliens taking over the earth and turning us all into socialists or something. In order to understand more about this, you basically have to fork over your life savings to J.Z. Knight. Shirley MacLaine was into this, and so apparently was Dennis Kucinich! That explains a lot.
Well, Kucinich doesn't have my vote, only because I don't want Ramtha up in the White House. Also, I strongly suspect the odd smell that accompanied Kucinich's UFO encounter was probably just a gust of wind blowing his way over the county landfill next door or the facility where they process sewage into fertilizer down the street. "The smell of roses" was probaby just a euphemism for the stench of unincorporated Pierce County. Or maybe one of Shirley's neighbors' meth labs blew up. In any event, I am not voting for a dude who follows his nose, smells bullshit, and calls it ten sublime minutes with our extraplanetary communist brethren.
Furthermore, if Kucinich really did see an actual alien spaceship, then I don't want him for president based on his position concerning space weapons. Space weapons aren't exactly a hot-button issue for me in terms of favoring a candidate, but if he knows there are a bunch of asshole aliens flying around Graham at incomprehensible speed, maybe we should think about putting some defense measures in place in case they're not friendly. Granted, Dennis "Workers' White House" Kucinich would probably love if they landed on earth and forced us into some sort of intergalactic dystopian global government, but I for one think we should get some lasers or whatever up there in the interest of preserving democracy, freedom, and the American way. These aliens are showing up a little too close to the Taco Time on 160th and Meridian for my liking, and I'll be damned if some Ramtha-heralded space pinkos threaten my ability to get a crispy beef burrito and Mexi-Fries next time I'm home visiting my peeps in the P-N-Dub. Much as I love Kucinich's insanity, I'm casting my vote for a candidate with a pro-space weapon platform. U!S!A!
Shirley MacLaine claims Kucinich had UFO encounterTwo things caught my eye about this article. First, why the hell was Dennis Kucinich kicking it with Shirley MacLaine's lunatic, tree-whispering ass in the first place? I mean, did their long and storied friendship begin when they met at CrazyCon 1970 or something? Second, why were they checking out UFOs like FIVE MINUTES DOWN MERIDIAN/SR161 FROM MY PARENTS' HOUSE? Seriously, check the map...I've denoted important locations around the Graham/South Hill/Puyallup greater non-metropolitan region for your reference:
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Mark Naymik
Plain Dealer Politics Writer
Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has claimed to have seen a UFO, according to Shirley MacLaine in her new book, "Sage-Ing While Age-Ing."
Kucinich "had a close sighting over my home in Graham, Washington, when I lived there," the actress, a close Kucinich friend, wrote. "Dennis found his encounter extremely moving. The smell of roses drew him out to my balcony where, when he looked up, he saw a gigantic triangular craft, silent, and observing him.
"It hovered, soundless, for 10 minutes or so, and sped away with a speed he couldn't comprehend. He said he felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind."
Kucinich's campaign and congressional representatives did not return calls and e-mail asking whether the Cleveland Democrat, now in his sixth congressional term, in fact saw a UFO or if there was some other explanation for MacLaine's recollection.
MacLaine is a well-known believer of UFOs and reincarnation. And she has been close to Kucinich for decades. MacLaine is the godmother of Kucinich's daughter and attended Kucinich's 2005 Cleveland wedding to third wife, Elizabeth, who's often campaigning by his side.
MacLaine also recommended in the 1980s that Kucinich visit New Mexico spiritual adviser Chris Griscom, whom MacLaine featured in her then-best-selling book, "Dancing in the Light," describing how Griscom helped her communicate with trees. Kucinich has insisted that Griscom was not his spiritual adviser but a "teacher and a very good friend."
MacLaine, who shares Kucinich's opposition to using weapons in space, doesn't shed any more light in her book on Kucinich's close encounter, including when it happened. Her book goes on sale next month.
Well, Kucinich doesn't have my vote, only because I don't want Ramtha up in the White House. Also, I strongly suspect the odd smell that accompanied Kucinich's UFO encounter was probably just a gust of wind blowing his way over the county landfill next door or the facility where they process sewage into fertilizer down the street. "The smell of roses" was probaby just a euphemism for the stench of unincorporated Pierce County. Or maybe one of Shirley's neighbors' meth labs blew up. In any event, I am not voting for a dude who follows his nose, smells bullshit, and calls it ten sublime minutes with our extraplanetary communist brethren.
Furthermore, if Kucinich really did see an actual alien spaceship, then I don't want him for president based on his position concerning space weapons. Space weapons aren't exactly a hot-button issue for me in terms of favoring a candidate, but if he knows there are a bunch of asshole aliens flying around Graham at incomprehensible speed, maybe we should think about putting some defense measures in place in case they're not friendly. Granted, Dennis "Workers' White House" Kucinich would probably love if they landed on earth and forced us into some sort of intergalactic dystopian global government, but I for one think we should get some lasers or whatever up there in the interest of preserving democracy, freedom, and the American way. These aliens are showing up a little too close to the Taco Time on 160th and Meridian for my liking, and I'll be damned if some Ramtha-heralded space pinkos threaten my ability to get a crispy beef burrito and Mexi-Fries next time I'm home visiting my peeps in the P-N-Dub. Much as I love Kucinich's insanity, I'm casting my vote for a candidate with a pro-space weapon platform. U!S!A!
Labels: celebrities, crazies, intentional buffoonery, LL Cool Jew, P-N-Dub, politics, Razzification, United States of Asskickery
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Andre Birleanu
DOB: 1983?
Occupation: contestant on "America's Most Smartest Model," loyal Bolshevik
Hometown: Moscow, Russia
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I am always a sucker for the Russian contestants on reality modeling competitions. For example, I was all over Natasha, the mail-order bride, winning "America's Next Top Model" cycle eight. Every time the judges would criticize Natasha, she would respond as if she'd been given the greatest compliment in the world. Tyra would say something like, "You're lookin' a little too hoochie in that photo," (followed by Miss J chiming in with "uh-huh, girl, you are HOrrifying"), and Natasha would respond, "It is good to look zexy, I always try to look zexy for my husband." Unfortunately, Natasha's indomitable spirit lost to Jaslene, the tranny anorexic Janice Dickinson knockoff, and I wept bitter tears.
Andre, however, makes Natasha look like child's play in terms of Russian craziness. The first time Andre appeared on "America's Most Smartest Model" to tell the viewers a bit about himself, he sneered, "I am from Soviet Union." The Soviet Union?! Didn't that collapse in, oh, I don't know...1992? Andre seems to have not caught on that the U.S.S.R. is no more, though, because he's constantly running around talking all sorts of Cold War trash. He sounds like it's 1986 and he is VERY much opposed to glasnost and perestroika. Fuck Gorbachev...Andre wants the economy controlled by apparatchiks, suppression of speech and other subversive freedoms, unmanageable bureaucracies, and bread lines! He acts like he's rehearsing for a role as a Russian soldier from the (indisputably awesome) movie Red Dawn. This hasn't really endeared him to his fellow would-be models competing for the title of "America's Most Smartest Model," who hate him because he is arrogant, bossy, and, though competetive, doesn't put much stock in the other contestants' abilities.
"If I were (Judge) Mary Alice, I would get rid of all these people, except me, of course," Andre declared, after sizing up his opponents. "I am Soviet," he added. "Against 15 Americans, it is not a contest." Then again, Andre has lots of confidence. Upon moving into the house (used previously for "The Surreal Life", "Flavor of Love", "I Love New York," and "Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School"), he tells his female roommates that he doesn't snore, but he regularly masturbates. Such a charmer. Later that episode, he summed up what he considers his professional mantra: "I must break you." Ivan Drago couldn't have said it better himself.
Last episode, he had to team up with Lisa, this idiot who looks like a skinny Nicky Hilton knockoff. Lisa was going on about teamwork, and Andre was angry with her because she repeatedly failed to win him clothes for a photoshoot in a "Jeopardy"-like contest for model props and wardrobe. They went to discuss by their mansion fire pit, and Lisa mentioned that she was chilly. "You Americans," Andre sneered. "You are all so weak. It's pathetic."
Needless to say, Andre hasn't really made comrades with anyone with his superior Soviet attitude. However, I could watch him spit insults at the other would-be smartest models all day. Andre reminds me of what I miss about the Cold War. Russians then were funny as hell. I hope he brings the crown of "America's Most Smartest Model" back to the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics with him. For one thing, that would really show us weak, pathetic Americans who is most smartest. It will be like payback for Rocky IV; instead of our personified symbol of national pride taking out his Russian counterpart on his home turf, Andre is going to do it the other way around. America's Most Smartest Model will serve only to glorify the great Soviet motherland! Nostrovia!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot dudes, international intrigue, TV, United States of Asskickery, Vh1
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