Friday, October 10, 2008
If I don't do nothin', I'm-a ball
My reputation for expert braininess continues to precede me. When Razzyphiles find they are having a little trouble, they can of course go read my instructional essay on the topic. Unfortunately, sometimes specific situations arise that necessitate going straight to the source for assistance with all their cocksucking needs, and I'm happy to oblige. That's exactly what happened when I received this e-mail today:
Razzy, my roommate and I have been arguing this same point over and over for about a week now. Since I hold your opinion of fellatio techniques in the highest regard, I have come to you. My roommate is convinced that putting a ball entirely in ones mouth during oral sex is "unnecessary and gross". I say, when it comes to oral sex, you get what you give. My argument for putting a ball (or two) into my mouth occasionally during fellatio is that I love to hear my name being screamed. Not that having a ball in my mouth makes him scream, but the overall effect of a quality blowjob (which necessitates switching it up a bit).
Thoughts?
Well, I could not agree with the author more. I count myself staunchly in the pro-ball-or-two-in-mouth camp for the exact reason the author describes: it's important in the bedroom in general to make like David Silver and switch it up, and assuredly when demonstrating one's sword-swallowing abilities. A lot of girls think that sucking dick is just that: sticking a dick in your mouth and applying some suction. Actually, a lot of girls think it's just sticking the head in your mouth and jerking the guy off because doing some actual throat work is a hassle, and I think that's both a lazy cop-out and indicative of a greater character flaw. In cocksucking and in life, I have no respect for slags who strive for mediocrity at best. Besides, as I've said before many times, it's called a fucking job for a reason! It's not supposed to be easy, but hard work has its rewards. FDR once said that "happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort," and I wholeheartedly concur. As the author notes above, you get what you give. Greater investment will yield greater returns, and in this day of collapsing stock markets, getting paid back in gratification for a well-rounded BJ may be one of the few remaining low-risk investments left to us.
While putting balls in your mouth is optional, it shouldn't be discounted as "unnecessary." It may not be necessary for a basic blowjob, but as I already mentioned, any remotely admirable woman isn't going to aspire to boring the dude whose dick she's sucking with her banal, uninspired, lazy technique. Blowjobs are like cars in this way; sure, a boring, sensible Kia Rio with vinyl seats, manual windows, and a tape deck will get you where you need to go, but wouldn't you enjoy riding in some top of the line S-class Benz with fancy leather interior, a custom sound system, and every tricked-out car accoutrement in the book more? Sucking on balls is the built-in GPS navigation system of a blowjob: it's not required, but it sure does make the whole package seem a lot more luxurious and indulgent.
Also, testicle-mouth interfacing isn't gross. I can only imagine that the chick who attests that it is is relatively inexperienced, because in the pantheon of nasty sexual stuff, scrotum sucking is pretty tame. Obviously any chick who thinks it's sick has never rimmed a dude or stuck a finger up a guy's ass. I'll admit that most fellas' family jewels have a certain pungent muskiness to them, but that's actually appealing to someone like me who is a connoisseur of stinky aged semi-soft European cheeses. Apart from the occasional annoying inadvertant pube-flossing that can occur when a stray hair gets dislodged in your mouth, there's really nothing too gross about having a set of nuts on your tonsils. In fact, that reminds me of Dr. Dre/Snoop lyrics, which in turn makes me feel comforted and nostalgically joyful.
So, ladies, take my advice as a certified Head Doctor who has performed many a surgery: my official position is that when you are giving some brain, make sure you have a ball.
Labels: correspondence, perversion, Razzyphiles, sex, WWRD
Monday, May 05, 2008
To be a baby daddy, or not to be...
Razzyphiles are a clever bunch of people. They know who gives the world's best advice, and it sure as shit ain't Dear Abby (or whoever replaced her now that she's dead). When the going gets tough, they come straight to the most reliable source for guidance since the Oracle at Delphi: YOURS TRULY. In fact, my reasoned judgment is so legendary that even Razzyphiles I don't know personally turn to me for major life decisions, as did The Mugu, who has been approached by a friend for a favor in the form of this e-mail:
Hi, Mugu.
Outside of pursuing a romantic relationship, I'd really like it if you would consider being the sperm donor for my child. It's a lot to ask, even as I tell you that your involvement in the child's life would not be required. Please take your time thinking about the implications and let me know your thoughts.
-Some chickNaturally, upon receiving this e-mail, he e-mailed me:
what am I supposed to do!?!?!?!?!?! She is a nice african american woman...I like her tremendously. I am also honored by the request. BUT!!!!.....Well, I don't mind blessing loyal readers with my insight and opinion, so I didn't require payment in the form of money or black magic against the (asshole sonofabitch bastard) Shitsburgh Stealers, although practitioners of the dark arts should feel free to do as much of that as they like. Much like Mother Teresa, I am satisfied knowing that I've done a kindness for my fellow man. I initially thought about saying "HELL NO!" but then realized that this is just because I hate kids and don't encourage anyone to have them. However, then I remembered that most people don't categorically loathe children and tried to reason accordingly. Here's the advice I gave him:
I cant tell my friends. You are a straight shooter, For your advice I will pay, or do voodoo against the SHitsburg Steelers.
O Razzy, what is a man with good genes and a high IQ to do?
Well, I don't see anything wrong with passing along your genes. I mean, all you have to do is squirt in a cup and call it a day, right? Are you dating this chick? If so, I'd think very, VERY carefully about it. If you are romantically involved, there's no way that this will be as clinical as you being a "sperm donor." If not, then it just comes down to whether or not you are comfortable with the idea. It's okay if you're not. Being uncomfortable with an idea is as good and legitimate a reason as any for not doing something.It seems I didn't get the whole story. The Mugu has a girlfriend, one who judging by her affinity for wine isn't looking to get knocked up anytime soon (good for you, sister), and he advised me that he's a little nervous about how this would all go over on the homefront:
If you decide you are comfortable with it, then just make sure you have a lawyer drawing up legal documents addressing custody rights (ie: you waiving yours) and child support (ie: her waiving her claim to that) first.
Want me to ask the internets for you? Anonymously, of course (I'll remove your name, e-mail, etc.) Sometimes the Razzyphiles can provide great insight in terms of anonymous commentary.
Thanks RazzI think wine would certainly facilitate this proposal going over better with the missus. At least he'll get her honest reaction. I watched an episode of (the greatest show in the history of television) "Beverly Hills, 90210" this weekend, and when Clare Arnold and David Silver heard from the shitfaced LuAnn Pruit that her abusive troubadour son Ray cheated on Donna Martin with that (totally awesome) slut Valerie Malone, Clare noted, "In vino veritas." David replied, "You know I don't speak Spanish!" which made me laugh, but I digress. The point is that booze is like truth serum, so if he wants an honest response from his lady friend, there's no better way to get the full story on her thoughts than to bring it up while she's blitzed. However, I got to wondering why he doesn't just make a baby the old-fashioned way with his woman than the turkey baster way with some other chick. So I replied:
The problem is at 33 I kinda want one. I have never been 100% sure that I want a child. As I have gotten older, well, you know. Sometimes things change. A few years back I would have laughed boisterously in her face.
What am I supposed to tell my GF if I go ahead with this?!?!
me - so sweetheart did you have enough wine tonight?
gf- yes, 3 bottles was enough, was there something you wanted to tell me?
me- cough* you know that girl who called the other day.
gf- ya
me- well she wants me sperms
gf- (I have no idea how she would react) cringe*
Well, if you care about your girlfriend, you should discuss it with her first. Unless you can arrange to be an anonymous donor, in which case you probably would have to waive all rights to custody, etc.Realizing that this is quite the thorny problem, Mugu assented to having his would-be baby mama drama aired out online:
And if you want to have a kid, why not discuss that with your girlfriend?
Again, you want me to ask the internets for you?
Yes Razzy,So there you have it. All you wise advice-givers out there, please opine and help poor Mugu out. For one thing, if you don't, I'll look bad since he's gone through all trouble of licking at least one girl's ass in my honor. For another, I'm curious as to what other people have to say about this. Should Mugu share his genes with this woman? Should he tell his girlfriend if he does? Any of you lawyers out there know about what kind of documentation he needs to get in order? I've heard stories about women suing "anonymous" sperm donors for child support years after the fact, which to me would certainly argue against helping this lady out with some baby batter. What is a potential sperm donor to do? Holler back on the comments. Oh, and no need to send cock pictures. I currently have a surplus of those.
put my dirt on the internets. I would send you a cock shot but im at work.
As it stands she has already told me I can waive / sign off my rights. (altho I am not familiar wit my states laws regarding this.)
She does want me to be whatever part I can manage to play in the childs life.
fek, getting busy here.
thanks for taking the time to reply. I dont care what the haters say.
I will lick a girls ass in your honor tonite.
Labels: correspondence, destroy all children, for serious people, Razzyphiles, WWRD
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