Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Daily Douchebag: John McCain's teleprompter
DOB: sometime in the last year or two
Occupation: fucking up straight talk
Hometown: probably China
Current residence: Kenner, Louisiana
Douchebaggery: So if you don't live under a rock or on The Island from "Lost," you know that last night, Barack Obama secured all the delegates needed for the Democratic nomination. I got home right in time to see him give yet another hope-change-blah blah blah speech to an arena full of Obamaniacs going crazy in Minnesota. He specifically did this in Minnesota, rather than in Montana where he won his final primary, because that's where the Republican convention is going to be and he wanted to stick it to McCain. That became apparent when his rousing oratory included a bunch of backhanded compliments dissing my man McCain, such as "I respect all of Senator McCain's accomplishments, even if he chooses to deny mine."
I expected McCain to return the favor and start talking trash about Obama. At first I thought this was going well, because I saw an excerpt of his speech in which he stressed his history of bipartisanship and his decades of tireless service to America. He seemed humble. I was like, "Any minute now, he's going to say something awesome about how he's going to own Obama come November." LL Cool Jew then texted me, "I'm sorry, mccains speech was pathetic." Uh oh, I thought.
So I watched more of the speech and realized that it certainly wasn't McCain's greatest moment in public speaking. He kept fucking up because he was having trouble with the teleprompter, which made him appear somewhat feeble and confused. Even Mort Kondracke from FOX News said he looked "old," and to have a crusty old geezer like Kondracke say that means he REALLY looked old. Like pop in a rerun of Lawrence Welk and break out the Werther's Originals old.
If you read the text of his speech, it's actually not bad at all. He immediately starts assuring the public that he is not running for George W. Bush's third term (if I believed he were, by the way, I would NOT vote for him, as while I love bush when it means "pussy," I HATE Bush when it means "inept, corrupt president"), and explains how severely he disagrees with the Bush administration's management of the war. This is one of the primary reasons I am voting for McCain. I hate the Iraq War (and I don't think ANYONE likes it or thinks it was a good idea), but now that we are there, our brave troops and the people of Iraq deserve to have it handled by someone who will look out for their best interests and the interests of the American people, rather than covering their asses politically and sinking deeper into the quagmire as Bush has done. He also points out that things would get even more fucked up if we just say, "Oops, sorry, our bad!" and blindly withdraw as Obama would like us to do.
However, thanks to the teleprompter dicking around McCain's game, he didn't get this out in a way that was stirring or galvanizing. Next to Obama's typical motivational speaker style, he looked like a shambling old man. I blame the teleprompter, because there's no way McCain would look that way if it weren't for technical difficulties. If McCain can handle five years at the Hanoi Hilton, he can handle a little speech about his own awesomeness. He can also certainly READ, so I doubt that his ability to "use" the teleprompter was an issue. It had to be some kind of teleprompter malfunction. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Therefore, I say a big "FUCK YOU" to the teleprompter and expect that those issues will be resolved now that McCain is gearing up to totally own Obama in the general election campaign. JOHN! MC! CAIN! JOHN! MC! CAIN!
Labels: an officer and a hot piece, computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, John McCain, politics
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Matt from Twelve Fluid Ounces
DOB: May 1, 1981
Occupation: U. S. Navy submariner, reactor operator
Hometown: Northport, New York
Current Residence: Portsmouth, New Hampshire (soon to be New London, Connecticut)
Why I Want to Hit That Hotness: Before I get started on why Matt is hot, this reminds me that I want to give a shout-out to all the hot-ass Razzyphiles in the military. I know that I've made fun of military guys a lot, primarily because the vast majority of the ones I met in Tacoma bars were completely and total dipshit. However, just because I've never taken the opportunity to say how awesome the non-dipshit military folks are (particularly those who get Razzified on the regs). You guys are way braver than myself, considering most of you are going to get stuck in that shitshow clusterfuck known as Iraq, if you haven't already. I also think that the Bush administration has particularly treated you like shit, and the rest of the country isn't always as appreciative of your sacrifices and your services as they should be. I'm honored to have you guys as readers and Razzyphiles.
Anyhow, back to Matt. Matt is a particularly redeeming figure because from what I can tell, he has the exact same job as my friend MillerTime's ex. MillerTime's ex was a douchebag of the highest order. He had red hair, sported these giant hideous coke-bottle glasses because he presumably thought they were ugly-cool, seemed to think he was the funniest fucker on the face of the earth, and wore a beat-up fedora everywhere as if he were Indiana Jones. One time he came over to my parents' house to watch the Seahawks with us, and spent the entire time rooting for the Ravens (not because he liked the Ravens, but because he wanted to aggravate everyone). That day he even picked a fight with HotLawyer's friend ScandalousLawyer over who was the most "NorCal," which was absurd since he's from fucking Santa Cruz which isn't even really considered "NorCal." ScandalousLawyer got sufficiently pissed that he probably would have given him a fully deserved ass-beating if we weren't hanging out wth my parents. He also liked to front like he was some kind of literary expert, which particularly galled myself and HotLawyer. As HotLawyer once put it, "Just because we don't read Clive Cussler novels doesn't mean we don't read." This fucktard also treated MillerTime most shabbily, and while she'd frequently write it off with "he's only 22," I didn't buy that excuse. I expect he'll be just as much of an unpleasant, socially inept, abrasive asshole when he's fifty as he is now. I was overjoyed when MillerTime finally sent his bitch-ass back to Bangor Naval Base where he belonged, and felt that if all naval submariners were cut from his cloth, they were as a whole a group of dipshits capable of producing little in me besides total ire.
Luckily, Matt came along and disproved that theory. I don't know Matt personally, but he found me thanks to IvyGate's coverage of my batshit craziness. I discovered this when I noticed that I was getting some hits from his LiveJournal blog, Twelve Fluid Ounces. I went over there and read what he had to say about me, and while he argued that I wasn't crazy, noted that he'd "probably hit it," and compared me to Tucker Max, he fairly noted that I don't measure up remotely in terms of website traffic. He also gave my site a link in his sidebar. I left a comment acknowledging my shortcomings in the not-living-up-to-Tucker-Max department and thanked him for linking me. I then gave him a reciprocal link.
Well, Matt decided to rocket further up the chart by writing a huge, lengthy post about me entitled "If you're awesome and you know it..." He declared this post "PIMP THE RAZZYBLOG time!" Then he proceeded to link to about 50 different posts I've written, providing some interesting information about each. For example, he was once at the Gold Club in Groton (a lovely establishment that one of my friends from Smith used to strip at) and found his face approximately two centimeters away from Jenna Haze's crotch. I can't sit idly by and not acknowledge the awesomeness of a Razzyphile taking so much time to spread the word about Razzified useless bullshit with more fervor than St. Paul spreading the gospel message throughout the damn Roman Empire.
I've also learned a lot besides facts about my own awesomeness from reading Matt's blog otherwise. For example, he dropped out of Cornell and joined the Navy, something that judging from his scathing posts about life on the "Submersible Death Trap" and the fact that he has a tag called "navy hate," I suspect he regrets. In fact he seems to regard the Navy similarly to the way I regard graduate school, a generally miserable experience from which there is no escape. Matt is ballsier, though, because while I just run the risk of being unhappy and getting a lot of common colds in grad school, he runs the risk of getting torpedoed or whatever bad things can happen to a submarine (buggered by his fellow submariners). He's also really ballsy for admitting something that very few other dudes in their late twenties would on the internets: he's a virgin. I'd take his V-card, except for the fact that I've actually never had sex with a virgin before and that's a conquest I've never been interested in putting on my shelf of trophy fucks. No offense to Matt, but I've had enough trouble with slutty dudes not being able to hold their load for more than thirty seconds, and I'd prefer to not be really annoyed with him since he seems like a really cool guy. However, I bet if he ever comes to New York, I can take him under my wing and teach him a few things about picking up broads. I could also probably hook him up with a nice girl who would do it the right, respectful way (or get really drunk and think it's suddenly a good idea to handle myself). Besides, ladies, he apparently loves eating pussy. Lil' Kim and I both approve.
Anyway, go read his blog. He's a good writer. There is nary a "the navy sux lol" or "that razzie gurl is hott" to be found. He also has an interesting perspective on life in the Navy, and as someone who finds most personal blogs excepting my own to be dull wastes of time, for me to consider his work "interesting" is high praise. I'm honored to add him to my stable of Razzyphiles. Matt Carberry and Twelve Fluid Ounces rules.
Labels: an officer and a hot piece, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hot dudes, Razzyphiles
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Senator John McCain YET AGAIN
DOB: August 29, 1936
Occupation: Republican nominee for president, comedian
Hometown: Coco Solo Naval Air Base, Panama Canal Zone
Current residence: in front of his TV on Mondays at 10
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: It's official: John McCain (R-AZ) is now the world-record holder for all-time recognition "Daily Dude I Want to Hit" status, having held this esteemed title four times. He is also the only Hittable Dude to win this illustrious honor two days in a row, and the only one to have his nonagenarian mother hold this title as well. Yesterday, he took this home for being a hot fucking piece of heroic ass. Today, he's getting it for being straight-up hilarious.
Apparently yesterday, Heidi Montag, the equine-faced, fake-titted ex-BFF of Lauren Conrad from "The Hills" declared that McCain has her vote. Thank God, because I was only 99.9999999999% sure I was going to vote McCain, but now that Heidi's weighed in regarding her political allegiances, I can do my civic duty and vote for my candidate of choice entirely certain that he's the right choice for America.
When questioned about Heidi's endorsement, McCain quipped, "I'm honored to have Heidi's support, and I want to assure her that I never miss an episode of 'The Hills,' especially since the new season started."
Now, that is some straight talk from Senator McCain. I'm glad to know that my friends and I aren't the only ones who gather round the idiot box every Monday night to feel smarter by watching a bunch of stupid 20-year-old skanks fuck up their years-long internships. Indeed, true American heroes like my boy Mac are riveted by Audrina's ability to recite her scripted lines with all the chutzpah of a lobotomy patient, or Whitney's mastery of asking Lauren Conrad, "So...what's, like, going on?" I would just like to know if Senator McCain is on Team LC or Team Heidi and Spencer, and whether he is as excited for the return of Justin Bobby as I am.
Thank you, Senator, for giving my trash television some credibility. The next time someone tells me that watching "The Hills" is a waste of my time on the grounds that this show is "fake," the girls on it are "really stupid," and it generally "sucks," I'm going to be like, "Oh, yeah? Well, soon-to-be PRESIDENT JOHN FUCKING MCCAIN doesn't think so." Take that, "Hills" haters!
Labels: an officer and a hot piece, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, I LOVE IT, John McCain, politics, TV
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: young John McCain
DOB: August 29, 1936
Occupation: Naval aviator, prisoner of war, American hero
Hometown: Coco Solo Naval Air Base, Panama Canal Zone
Current residence: the Straight Talk Express
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: A lot of people have expressed their shock and disbelief every time I say that I am voting for Senator John McCain (R-AZ). Someone astutely pointed out that I may be doing so only because (R-AZ) spells "Raz," probably because my friends are all in various stages of denial about the fact that I'm a Republican (sort of). While that gives me one MORE reason to vote for him, that isn't actually why he has my vote. I could explain all the political reasons I have for hopping aboard the Straight Talk Express, but I already have, and there's enough political pundits firing off about that in the blogosphere. I'd rather explain yet another completely arbitrary reason I have for joining Team McCain: the dude looked fucking hot in a flight suit.
Every time I see a picture of John McCain in a classic stock photo of him back in his Navy days, I get more than a little bit turned on. In fact, I don't know how the Viet Cong who held him captive for five years could keep their hands off him, as I'm sure he looked foxy as all hell even while playing forced Russian roulette or hanging by his thumbs, which according to The Deerhunter and Braddock: Missing in Action III are the preferred North Vietnamese torture methods. In fact, I bet when McCain was flying missions before he was taken prisoner, he didn't even need napalm because his hotness could ignite the jungle just by getting too close to it.
In his old age, McCain is still a hot piece, but if I could get my hands on a Delorean, some random terrorist plutonium, and a flux capacitor, trust that I'd be going 88 miles per hour back to 1973 to meet his heroic ass upon release from the Hanoi Hilton. It would be my honor and patriotic duty to welcome him back to the land of freedom and democracy with some good, old-fashioned American pie. JOHN! MC! CAIN! JOHN! MC! CAIN!
Labels: an officer and a hot piece, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot dudes, John McCain, politics
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
