Monday, January 28, 2008
Miss America STILL sucks
I had a very exciting weekend (read: in lab both days), and thus was able to flip to TLC on Saturday night to catch part of the Miss America pageant. I usually just stick to getting beauty pageant highlights, because those crazy bitches that compete in them are only entertaining offstage. Because Miss America has sucked for the past few decades (since its inception), their ratings have been waning, and this year they tried to "jazz" up the pageant to appeal to new audiences.
After watching five minutes of this, I deemed their effort to modernize Miss America as a total fucking failure. From what I can tell, they hired some loser from "Entertainment Tonight" (I guess Ryan Seacrest is doing Miss USA) to emcee, and put the bitches in jeans during the opening dance number. I guess jeans are an improvement from the coordinated dress outfits they used to wear during the "Parade of States" or whatever, which always looked like a Tina Knowles-designed cross between Tonya Harding's Lillehammer '94 Sergeant Pepper/disco ball skating costume and something that came out of Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan's evening formalwear closet. However, the pageant was still boring, so I flipped channels until it was time to announce the winner. I had to switch to "Rock of Love 2" reruns through the entire talent competition for fear of going murderously insane watching hookers tap dance around to appalling arrangements of Scott Joplin's jaunty ragtime favorites and listening to these broads caterwauling showtunes from yesteryear.
When I did change back to TLC for the finale and the "Here she is...Miss America" (which sounds just as not-jazzy as ever), I was disappointed to note that Miss Michigan beat out Miss Washington to win the crown. Miss Michigan looks just as boring as Miss America always does:
I mean, I'm sure she is a fucking lunatic off the stage. She has crazy in the eyes, and you know that underneath that Barbified exterior is a ruthless psychopath. She told the press later that she's a third-generation beauty queen, validating my suspicions about her mental condition. She comes from a family of dysfunctional nutcases. Her mom is an "active volunteer" in the pageant community (translation: stage mom from hell), and I can only imagine what sort of behind-the-scenes sabotage and extortion these two employed to get their hands on the crown. Sadly, unless Miss Michigan-now-America gets into coke or something, her reign as Miss America will probably be as forgettable as all her predecessors. Clearly, the organizers of the Miss America pageant still have a lot to do in order to make this shit timely or remotely interesting. I think it's time for them to get reckless. Their first order of business should be to hire Katie Rees as the head bitch in charge. Katie Rees is a pageant alum herself, and although she was unceremoniously booted from holding the title of Miss Nevada prior to the Miss USA pageant by Donald Trump, she knows how to deliver some compelling entertainment:
Now THAT is a Miss America pageant I would glue myself to the TV for. TLC and Miss America need to seriously consider this for next year. It would be a ratings juggernaut, and Katie Rees probably needs a job. It's a win-win! Trust!
After watching five minutes of this, I deemed their effort to modernize Miss America as a total fucking failure. From what I can tell, they hired some loser from "Entertainment Tonight" (I guess Ryan Seacrest is doing Miss USA) to emcee, and put the bitches in jeans during the opening dance number. I guess jeans are an improvement from the coordinated dress outfits they used to wear during the "Parade of States" or whatever, which always looked like a Tina Knowles-designed cross between Tonya Harding's Lillehammer '94 Sergeant Pepper/disco ball skating costume and something that came out of Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan's evening formalwear closet. However, the pageant was still boring, so I flipped channels until it was time to announce the winner. I had to switch to "Rock of Love 2" reruns through the entire talent competition for fear of going murderously insane watching hookers tap dance around to appalling arrangements of Scott Joplin's jaunty ragtime favorites and listening to these broads caterwauling showtunes from yesteryear.
When I did change back to TLC for the finale and the "Here she is...Miss America" (which sounds just as not-jazzy as ever), I was disappointed to note that Miss Michigan beat out Miss Washington to win the crown. Miss Michigan looks just as boring as Miss America always does:
I mean, I'm sure she is a fucking lunatic off the stage. She has crazy in the eyes, and you know that underneath that Barbified exterior is a ruthless psychopath. She told the press later that she's a third-generation beauty queen, validating my suspicions about her mental condition. She comes from a family of dysfunctional nutcases. Her mom is an "active volunteer" in the pageant community (translation: stage mom from hell), and I can only imagine what sort of behind-the-scenes sabotage and extortion these two employed to get their hands on the crown. Sadly, unless Miss Michigan-now-America gets into coke or something, her reign as Miss America will probably be as forgettable as all her predecessors. Clearly, the organizers of the Miss America pageant still have a lot to do in order to make this shit timely or remotely interesting. I think it's time for them to get reckless. Their first order of business should be to hire Katie Rees as the head bitch in charge. Katie Rees is a pageant alum herself, and although she was unceremoniously booted from holding the title of Miss Nevada prior to the Miss USA pageant by Donald Trump, she knows how to deliver some compelling entertainment:
Now THAT is a Miss America pageant I would glue myself to the TV for. TLC and Miss America need to seriously consider this for next year. It would be a ratings juggernaut, and Katie Rees probably needs a job. It's a win-win! Trust!
Labels: beauty queens, hot chicks, lezbollah, sluts, TV
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Kumari Fulbright
Name: Kumari Fulbright
DOB: sometime in 1982
Occupation: failed beauty queen, future waterboarding pro at Gitmo, if they didn't drug test to be a CIA torturer, anyway
Hometown: somewhere in Arizona
Current residence: JAIL, somewhere in Pima County, Arizona
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Kumari, like many beauty queens, represents something all young women should aspire to be. Her stints as Miss Pima County (2005) and Miss Desert Sun (2006) both led to middle-placing appearances in the Miss Arizona pageant. When the beauty queen route didn't pay off, she went to law school and got a job clerking for some district judge in Arizona. Plus, she looks like she could be one of those hot lipstick lesbo Terminators from T3: Rise of the Machines when she's rocking her automatic weapon in a bikini. However, that is where this happy story ends.
At some point in her rise to success, Kumari lost her way and fell in with a bad crowd. She and her gang of thugs decided to kidnap her boyfriend, steal $600 from him, and torture him with biting, beating, threatening to cut off his ear a la Reservoir Dogs, and pointing a gun at him. After 10 hours of this, the boyfriend wrassled her gun away from her and escaped, and got Kumari arrested. Unfortunately, the year since she's been off the pageant circuit has not treated her well, because behold her mugshot. Try not to be terribly surprised that she didn't smote the Miss Arizona pageant's ruin on the mountainside.
Back when I lived in Tacompton, I was fucking this guy for all of five minutes whose aunt was a major tweaker. I didn't know this until our last tryst, in which he wanted to take me to his place in South Tacoma because we always did the deed at my crib. So I drove us there, and was more than a little nervous about leaving my car parked in a most unsavory neighborhood. When we got into this place, I grew even more nervous because his aunt, who was both in desperate need of a root touch-up with her Clairol Maxi-Blonde and a fill on her SERIOUSLY busted acrylics, was all over the place. She was jabbering so fast I couldn't make out what she was saying except that she wanted the guy to watch her son (he agreed), she wanted to borrow $10 from either of us (neither of us agreed), and she was going out to the shed for a few minutes. Her son, who was ten, was a sweet, sad little kid and the guy and I spent most of the time advising him on how to handle bullies at school who were saying bad things about his mom. My heart was breaking, and between the obvious meth-addled aunt and the kid's sad, sad stories, I was very much not in the mood for hot sex. Then the guy put the kid to bed and we proceeded to get down on his bed in the living room, but my heart just wasn't into it. The entire situation really depressed me. I decided that this was not a relationship that was going anywhere, so when we finished, I immediately started getting dressed.
"Don't you want to hang around for a while? I was hoping I could buy you breakfast tomorrow," he pleaded. This guy really liked me, and after getting a gander at his home life, I realized that this was probably because as a college-educated woman with a nice house and a respectable job that came with my own phone extension and my own business cards and my own monogrammed lab coat, I was a monumental departure from the types of scary tweaker ex-cons he was used to banging. He was cute, and he had a pretty decent-sized weiner, but I realized what he had long before: that I was light-years out of his league and I wanted nothing to do with his extremely problematic scene.
"Sorry, I have some things to do. I, uh, had fun, though. Take care."
"I'll call you tomorrow," he said.
"You know," I said. "I'm really busy tomorrow. And I like you, but I just don't think this is going to go anywhere. I just think we're too different. I'm sorry."
He looked depressed. "Okay," he sighed. "Me too. I'm sorry too."
"It's okay. Take care of yourself, okay?" I said, trying to be as kind as possible. He wasn't into meth as far as I could tell, and he was a nice guy, and I did feel bad, but I wasn't into him anymore.
As I walked out, dawn was approaching, and in the gray half-light, I spotted the shed where his aunt had just run out to for a minute...four hours before. As I walked past to the alley where my car was parked (and, thankfully, unmolested), I could hear his aunt and at least two other voices chattering away at top speed. I also could smell some horrible acrid smell that I'm certain was the smell of meth smoke (having never smoked meth myself, I am unfamiliar with its smell, but I imagine it smells something like a lab chemical fire).
It saddens me that a hot piece like Kumari tumbled so far into that kind of depressing, miserable desperation, because I would have hit that like what when she was still a well-groomed beauty queen. That said, however, if she combed out her hair and got clean, I might let her take a ride on the strap-on if only because psycho bitches are the hottest lays. It would be a one-time thing, though, since I have no intention of being kidnapped, robbed, or otherwise tortured. Then again, judging by her mug shot, I think the possibility of her even meeting my basic requirements for a solitary lesbian rendezvous in a bar ladies' room is assuredly remote. It's more likely that the next time she makes an appearance for the local Pima County jail photographer, she'll be absent more than a couple teeth. Too, too bad. Such a waste.
Labels: beauty queens, crime and punishment, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, oh the horror, sluts
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Ingrid Marie Rivera AGAIN
DOB: October 8, 1983
Occupation: manipulative skank, Miss Puerto Rico
Hometown: Luquilla, Puerto Rico
Current residence: Ignonimy
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Earlier this week, I was impressed that the newly crowned Miss Puerto Rico managed to compete and win the Miss Puerto Rico pageant after her clothes and makeup were tainted with pepper spray. Now, investigators think that rather than being a victim of sabotage, she faked the whole thing! Holy crap!
Apparently, suspicions were raised when it was revealed that she was able to stop crying on stage. Initially everyone thought this was just her being fierce, but then someone pointed out that pepper spray causes your eyes to tear uncontrollably. That is some seriously "Melrose Place" shit right there. Really, is Dr. Michael Mancini somehow involved in this? Because I am expecting her to next pull some convoluted scheme involving psychotropic drugs that can induce a fake stroke and hiring actors to drive her competitors insane. If indeed she faked it, I think she should keep her crown just for being a crazy prostitute with creativity in spades. Who would cook up such a diabolical plot to take the Miss Puerto Rico crown besides an evil genius? I want to see what kind of soap opera ploy she uses to advance in the Miss Universe pageant. Watch out, Nha Trang, Vietnam, because a ruthless Puerto Rican pageant queen is heading your way to poison all her competitors' pho or something. This bitch could blow repentant drunken lesbo cokeheads like Tara Conner straight the fuck away. She is no joke.
Labels: beauty queens, crime and punishment, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, international intrigue, sluts
Monday, November 26, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Ingrid Marie Rivera
DOB: October 8, 1983
Occupation: former Miss Mundo de Puerto Rico and Miss Caribbean in the Miss World pageant, current Miss Puerto Rico in the Miss Universe pageant, and newly crowned Razzy.org Miss Hardcore Pageant Bitch
Hometown: Luquillo, Puerto Rico
Current residence: San Juan, Puerto Rico
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Yesterday, Ingrid beat 29 other bitches to take the crown of Miss Puerto Rico and win a trip to the Miss Universe pageant in Nha Trang, Vietnam. While I normally could give a shit about what goes on with pageant bitches unless they are getting coked up and licking snatch, falling on their asses to the tune of Sean Paul's "Give It Up to Me," and otherwise embarrassing themselves during competition, or confusing "retrospect" with "respect," I have to step back and take a look at the odds Ingrid overcame and give the bitch her due.
Apparently, the competition this year for the title of Miss Puerto Rico was so fierce that some contestants decided to resort to dirty tricks. One of these hookers fancied herself Medea, and decided to poison Ingrid's evening gowns and makeup. Fortunately, Ingrid did not catch fire when she threw on the tainted garments and MAC Studio Fix, although she did break out in hives. At first, the pageant people thought she was having an allergic reaction, but after multiple outfit changes all resulting in exacerbated symptoms, it was clear that she was the victim of sabotage. Unlike Medea, this malevolent cheater laid low after spiking Ingrid's clothes and face pancake with pepper spray rather than riding away in a chariot pulled by flying dragons, and thus the powers that govern the Miss Puerto Rico contest are on the hunt for the culprit.
In spite of the sabotage, however, Ingrid said "fuck you" to all the haters and proceeded to win the damn crown! I knew these pageant bitches were serious, but that is no joke. Once, in high school, my friend G-Boner and I sprayed some pepper spray into the air and walked through it, because we wanted to see exactly how painful it was, and being
The Miss Puerto Rico pageant officials are conducting an investigation, and woe betide the guilty person. I believe that this pageant is a part of Donald Trump's Miss Universe organization, and I would hate to be the sorry excuse for a Miss Puerto Rico wannabe who has to face the wrath of the Donald. He's probably already selecting the choicest juvenile insults for the inevitable appearance on Larry King where he will detail how he plans to summarily ruin this hooker's life. When he booted Miss Nevada from the Miss USA pageant last year for being a drunk exhibitionist, he called her disgusting and depraved. The fate of hookers--excepting Tara Conner, who got to go to rehab and star on a MTV reality show--who cast aspersions on the good name of Miss Universe is generally grave. Whoever poisoned Ingrid's clothes and makeup can expect a lot more miserable bullshit than merely coping with the sting of losing. They should have watched that "Melrose Place" episode where Dr. Michael Mancini was judging a pageant, and slept with Denise Richards (one of the contestants) because Michael Mancini was a total slave to his cock. It was a damn miracle that man could actually practice medicine competently, since he spent 90% of his time either having ill-advised sex with crazy women or plotting how to drive those crazy women even crazier. I don't remember exactly what happened, but Denise Richard's mother tried to extort him after he boned her, Michael realized that he'd been set up, and then Denise lost the pageant anyway (I think the hotness known as Dr. Peter Burns intervened). Denise was lucky Michael didn't try to have her lobotomized or go to elaborate lengths to make her think she was schizophrenic like he did with Dr. Kimberly Shaw. The moral of the story here is that cheating in beauty pageants is a dangerous game, and one in which the cheaters rarely, if ever, prosper. So next year, it would be in bitches' best interests to keep the Miss Puerto Rico pageant clean.
Labels: beauty queens, comeuppance, crime and punishment, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot chicks, sluts
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
A retrospective
Last night, after "I Love New York 2" and "The Hills" were over, JerseyGirl and I got sucked into "Pageant Place." If you haven't seen "Pageant Place," it's the Donald Trump-produced reality show about the bitches who won the Trump family of beauty pageants, and how they all have to be roommates at Trump Plaza. Unfortunately, there's not any coke-fueled, boozed-up lesbian beauty queen orgies going on as past events would lead one to expect; I guess the Donald ruined that party when he shipped Tara Conner's skank ass off to rehab last year. The cast of characters include the porcine-faced lesbo cokehead Miss Teen USA who allegedly hooked up with and then betrayed former Miss USA Tara Conner, the current Miss USA Rachel Something-Or-Another, Miss Universe, and just for fun, Tara Conner, because she doesn't have anything better to do and she stirs up trouble. Miss USA was complaining about how the super bitchy Miss Teen USA was a total diva when they went to help out at the Gay Men's Health Crisis AIDS Meals-on-Wheels kitchen. Miss USA took issue with the fact that Miss Teen USA was unaccustomed to actual labor and was afraid of getting burned by manning the plate-warmer. While commenting on Miss Teen USA's work ethic, Miss USA, a woman best known for taking a header in the Miss Universe pageant, said, "She hasn't paid her dues in that retrospect."
Retrospect? Since when was that word interchangable with respect? Either she just read Jabberwocky and was so inspired by Lewis Carroll's invention of new words via linguistic recombination and decided to try it herself with "respect" and "perspective," or Miss USA's dumb ass simply has a lousy vocabulary and thought this was a fancier way of saying "respect." Needless to say, JerseyGirl and I assumed the latter and had a field day with it.
"R-E-T-R-O-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!" I sang.
"Actually, that dumb ho should just find out what it means...PERIOD," said JerseyGirl. She was the editor of that finest of all college news publications, the Smith College Sophian, and shares my disdain for people who can't speak, spell, or punctuate proper English.
For the rest of the night, we kept saying shit like "show me some retrospect!" and "no disretrospect intended," and being perpetually amused by this. JerseyGirl wondered how many of the other TV junkie Americans watching "Pageant Place" noticed Miss USA's linguistic gaffe. We both imagined that, as "Pageant Place" is on MTV, the number of people with a sufficient grasp of the English language to differentiate "respect" from "retrospect" was probably depressingly low.
However, I figured that this was something I could answer empirically with a good old-fashioned experiment. From now on, I'm going to start replacing "respect" with "retrospect" and see not only who notices, but who actually points out the error. I am hypothesizing that of those who do notice, most won't actually bring it to my attention. I can't wait to see the looks on people's faces as they try to figure out whether or not they should be like, "Uhhh...do you mean 'respect?'" Then it's going to be even more awesome when I respond, "Nah, dude, I mean 'retrospect,' it's fancier!"
Good times ahead. I'll report my results in an upcoming issue of Science or Nature. Or, if for some reason those journals don't want to publish my groundbreaking study on the verbal stupidity of the average person (person=grad student, who the hell else am I usually around?), then I'll put it on the top-tier online science repository known as this blog.
Retrospect? Since when was that word interchangable with respect? Either she just read Jabberwocky and was so inspired by Lewis Carroll's invention of new words via linguistic recombination and decided to try it herself with "respect" and "perspective," or Miss USA's dumb ass simply has a lousy vocabulary and thought this was a fancier way of saying "respect." Needless to say, JerseyGirl and I assumed the latter and had a field day with it.
"R-E-T-R-O-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!" I sang.
"Actually, that dumb ho should just find out what it means...PERIOD," said JerseyGirl. She was the editor of that finest of all college news publications, the Smith College Sophian, and shares my disdain for people who can't speak, spell, or punctuate proper English.
For the rest of the night, we kept saying shit like "show me some retrospect!" and "no disretrospect intended," and being perpetually amused by this. JerseyGirl wondered how many of the other TV junkie Americans watching "Pageant Place" noticed Miss USA's linguistic gaffe. We both imagined that, as "Pageant Place" is on MTV, the number of people with a sufficient grasp of the English language to differentiate "respect" from "retrospect" was probably depressingly low.
However, I figured that this was something I could answer empirically with a good old-fashioned experiment. From now on, I'm going to start replacing "respect" with "retrospect" and see not only who notices, but who actually points out the error. I am hypothesizing that of those who do notice, most won't actually bring it to my attention. I can't wait to see the looks on people's faces as they try to figure out whether or not they should be like, "Uhhh...do you mean 'respect?'" Then it's going to be even more awesome when I respond, "Nah, dude, I mean 'retrospect,' it's fancier!"
Good times ahead. I'll report my results in an upcoming issue of Science or Nature. Or, if for some reason those journals don't want to publish my groundbreaking study on the verbal stupidity of the average person (person=grad student, who the hell else am I usually around?), then I'll put it on the top-tier online science repository known as this blog.
Labels: beauty queens, grammar gestapo, JerseyGirl, retard rage, science, sluts, TV
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
In case you missed the Miss Universe pageant
Here's what Miss USA did, once again proving to me that I like the Miss USA/Universe bitches so much better than Miss America. This is the kind of shit I would pull if I were in a beauty pageant:
Girlfriend totally bit it to the tune of Sean Paul's "Give It Up to Me" (a song which, by the way, includes such beauty pageant-appropriate lyrics as "get out of my head and into my bed, gal" and "You know you got the sinting inna me pants a develop and a swell up and double up yeah...So gimme the work yeah cause if you no gimme the work the blue balls a erupt yeah".) You'd never see a chick do something as gauche as fall down in Miss America, nor would she do so to such a raunchy (yet catchy) tune exhorting bitches to put out, proving once again the innate superiority of the Miss USA/Universe pageant system.
These prostitutes in Donald Trump's Miss Universe pageant are way, WAY more interesting than the Miss America bitches. Okay, I will give it to this year's Miss America that she got all Chris Hansen on some pedophiles' asses in Long Island, but usually Miss America tries only to be a positive role model for young women, which means they do nothing of any interest whatsoever. BOOOOORRRRRING. Last year's Miss USA, on the other hand, was a drunken snatch-licking cokehead, and this year's can't walk. Probably because she was shitfaced. Miss USA, now that she lost the Miss Universe crown to Miss Japan, will be heading back to her apartment at Trump Place where we can only hope she'll start getting it on with Miss Teen USA, hitting the clubs, and winding up all over Page Six.
Girlfriend totally bit it to the tune of Sean Paul's "Give It Up to Me" (a song which, by the way, includes such beauty pageant-appropriate lyrics as "get out of my head and into my bed, gal" and "You know you got the sinting inna me pants a develop and a swell up and double up yeah...So gimme the work yeah cause if you no gimme the work the blue balls a erupt yeah".) You'd never see a chick do something as gauche as fall down in Miss America, nor would she do so to such a raunchy (yet catchy) tune exhorting bitches to put out, proving once again the innate superiority of the Miss USA/Universe pageant system.
These prostitutes in Donald Trump's Miss Universe pageant are way, WAY more interesting than the Miss America bitches. Okay, I will give it to this year's Miss America that she got all Chris Hansen on some pedophiles' asses in Long Island, but usually Miss America tries only to be a positive role model for young women, which means they do nothing of any interest whatsoever. BOOOOORRRRRING. Last year's Miss USA, on the other hand, was a drunken snatch-licking cokehead, and this year's can't walk. Probably because she was shitfaced. Miss USA, now that she lost the Miss Universe crown to Miss Japan, will be heading back to her apartment at Trump Place where we can only hope she'll start getting it on with Miss Teen USA, hitting the clubs, and winding up all over Page Six.
Labels: beauty queens, hilarious shit, hot chicks, sluts
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
A more appropriate title
She may be out of the running for Miss USA 2007, but the now-deposed drunken lesbian and exhibitionist former Miss Nevada Katie Rees hasn't let that stop her from winning pageants. She was just named Miss JET Las Vegas, beating out the competition to become the reigning queen of the JET nightclub at the Mirage in Vegas.
Tara Conner should take note, because this is a much better way to bounce back from liquored-up disgrace on the Miss USA circuit than talking shit about alcohol. Granted, Tara Conner only had to contend with a few tawdry blurbs on Page Six and not a comprehensive photo spread of her baring her tits and ass, simulating oral sex on fellow revelers of both genders, making out with everyone in sight, and licking her friends' nipples at some party in Tampa she took her fake knockers to. However, I applaud Katie Rees for taking her disgrace and capitalizing on it in the most positive way imaginable: a spokesperson gig for a Vegas nightclub. Besides, I'm sure that she was pleased that Vegas has a reputation for respecting one's privacy, as there obviously was no "What happens in Tampa stays in Tampa" clause in the past preventing her shenanigans from coming back to haunt her in the form of damning photos. For example, I heard that right after she was crowned Queen of the Nightclub, she started pawing at the crotches of the Baby Spice and Hilary Duff impersonators behind her in celebration of her title, but you don't see any pictures of that! Vegas's great dining is her alibi. No wonder she lives there.
Labels: beauty queens, sluts
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Here she is...
Last night I was flipping back and forth between the perennially awesome "I Love New York" and the 2007 Miss America Pageant. I didn't see all of Miss America, because it took me forever to find which channel CMT was, and because I couldn't stand watching the stank talent competition where every chick sang some horrible rendition of "A Whole New World", "A Moment Like This", and cheesy crap of that ilk. Although Miss Tennessee Blaire Ashley Pancake didn't make it to the semi-finals, Miss Washington did, only to be unceremoniously canned after the evening wear competition. In fairness, her gown looked like a cross between the Exxon Valdez oil spill and that getup Scarlett O'Hara made out of the parlor curtains at Tara, and her face looks like a fucking cat, so I didn't think she was going to go the distance anyway. On the plus side, though, the judges included "America's Next Top Model" judge and (per Tyra Banks) "noted fashion photographer" Nigel Barker and Chris Matthews, and they sat there making only barely concealed lewd commentary about the contestants with host A.C. Slater, I mean Mario Lopez. It was exceptionally awesome to watch Chris Matthews play "Hardball" with the contestants, asking them about the government's response to Hurricane Katrina (which Miss Mississippi turned into an opportunity to rhapsodize her sanguine love for Haley Barbour) and about how the situation in Darfur should be handled (Miss Alabama's response was "genocide is really bad and we need to get together with the world and try to keep that from occurrin'".) I spent most of the evening texting LL Cool Jew with my pageant commentary, including "the music is hilarious, like a combo of late 70s porn sndtrk, andean pipe flautists, and sisqo's thong song" and "i hate miss utah, her mormon coverall bathing suit is loathsome."
What is annoying is that the winner turned out to be Miss Oklahoma. Once Miss Washington got her one-way ticket back to Kitsap County, I was rooting for Miss Mississippi only because I wouldn't be watching this shitshow if not for the encouragement of Mississippi resident and intrepid reporter LL Cool Jew. Besides, she wasn't bad looking and she played the piano for her talent (sadly not Chopin, though). LL Cool Jew e-mailed me immediately after the pageant was over to opine about Miss Okie taking the crown:
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@dirrtydirrtynewspaper.com)
Subject: boooring
THIS dumb broad won miss america. ms texas was the runnerup, followed by georgia, mississippi, and alabama.
check out her craptastic platform...
Be NetSmart? Does that mean she goes online and entraps pedophiles, like on "To Catch a Predator"? Because it would actually be pretty sweet to watch an episode of Dateline in which Miss America assumes a clever IM handle and gets dirty with the pervs in the kiddie chat rooms:
15inches4yunggurls: so r u a virgin?
jonbenet69: lol lol ya!
15inches4yunggurls: i can fix that lol
jonbenet69: send me ur pics lol!
15inches4yunggurls: so r un in a beaty pagint?
jonbenet69: u wouldn't believe it if i told u lol!
15inches4yunggurls: try me lol i'm very gulibal
jonbenet69: used to be but then decided i'd rather have sex
jonbenet69: with fat, ugly, balding, short, older men lol!
15inches4yunggurls: so u quit?
jonbenet69: duh, i'd rather im with u! so do u have a web cam?
jonbenet69: y don't u cum over? that would be kewl.
jonbenet69: chris hanson is waiting lol!
15inches4yunggurls: kewl
15inches4yunggurls: on my way princess ;-*
That would be an AWESOME platform. However, I suspect that embracing the Be NetSmart cause more likely involves much dumber activities, like speaking to grade school kids about the dangers and pitfalls of MySpace (as Paula James can attest, kids could find MY awesome website there and be exposed to unnecessary f-bombs and titty pictures). That's truly a shame, because I think impersonating a tween seeking molestation online would be much more useful, both to society and to Miss Okie's dream of attaining a Master's in Musical Theatre from the University of Central Oklahoma and subsequently hitting it big on the Great White Way. Certainly her skills as a thespian would benefit from such stealthy instant messenger work, and the improvisational experience would undoubtedly come in handy when she's preparing to sing some soaring chorus about AIDS at a matinee of "Rent".
If she's not going to catch predators, I think Miss Okie should have chosen a different platform altogether. During the "grueling" backstage, pre-pageant interviews, she wouldn't shut up about what a diverse and wonderful place Oklahoma is, so she should have done something to rep her own state more honestly. How about, for example, taking on the plight of all the cows that get anthrax there? Granted, probably only me and a handful of livestock and agricultural microbiologists give a shit about that one, but that's probably because most other people haven't seen as many heinous pictures of cutaneous anthrax lesions as I have and care as much as I do about the price of beef. Or she could get her historical consciousness on and try to right the wrong known as the Trail of Tears. You never hear anyone at Miss America saying a fucking word about how Native Americans got screwed over while they're busy faking knowledge of Darfur ("all those tribes, all that war, all those people dying...genocide is, like, really awful"). Or, better yet, she could further her state's great literary legacy by supporting the "We's Joads...we's proud" platform. I'm not sure that exists, but The Grapes of Wrath won the damn Nobel prize and it did start out with Tom, Ma, Rose of Sharon, etc. migrating from Oklahoma, so it would at least show a greater appreciation for the finer aspects of American culture than telling kids to steer clear of internet porn. Kids probably know way more about internet porn than the Dust Bowl drought or the Great Depression anyway, so it would probably benefit society more if she just spent the next year teaching them Steinbeck instead of helpful tips about avoiding online predation.
Miss Okie's victory just goes to show how fucking lame the Miss America pageant is, especially compared to the skanks over at Miss USA. The freshly crowned Miss USA probably would have celebrated her victory by taking a couple bumps onstage and going to third base with her second runner-up. Miss Okie/America just cried, squealed, and hugged all the losers, whose true "I hate you until I die, bitch!" feelings toward the victor were more than apparent behind their aggressive congratulatory smiles/teeth baring. SNORE. When the hell is the Miss USA pageant?
What is annoying is that the winner turned out to be Miss Oklahoma. Once Miss Washington got her one-way ticket back to Kitsap County, I was rooting for Miss Mississippi only because I wouldn't be watching this shitshow if not for the encouragement of Mississippi resident and intrepid reporter LL Cool Jew. Besides, she wasn't bad looking and she played the piano for her talent (sadly not Chopin, though). LL Cool Jew e-mailed me immediately after the pageant was over to opine about Miss Okie taking the crown:
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@dirrtydirrtynewspaper.com)
Subject: boooring
THIS dumb broad won miss america. ms texas was the runnerup, followed by georgia, mississippi, and alabama.
check out her craptastic platform...
Be NetSmart? Does that mean she goes online and entraps pedophiles, like on "To Catch a Predator"? Because it would actually be pretty sweet to watch an episode of Dateline in which Miss America assumes a clever IM handle and gets dirty with the pervs in the kiddie chat rooms:
15inches4yunggurls: so r u a virgin?
jonbenet69: lol lol ya!
15inches4yunggurls: i can fix that lol
jonbenet69: send me ur pics lol!
15inches4yunggurls: so r un in a beaty pagint?
jonbenet69: u wouldn't believe it if i told u lol!
15inches4yunggurls: try me lol i'm very gulibal
jonbenet69: used to be but then decided i'd rather have sex
jonbenet69: with fat, ugly, balding, short, older men lol!
15inches4yunggurls: so u quit?
jonbenet69: duh, i'd rather im with u! so do u have a web cam?
jonbenet69: y don't u cum over? that would be kewl.
jonbenet69: chris hanson is waiting lol!
15inches4yunggurls: kewl
15inches4yunggurls: on my way princess ;-*
That would be an AWESOME platform. However, I suspect that embracing the Be NetSmart cause more likely involves much dumber activities, like speaking to grade school kids about the dangers and pitfalls of MySpace (as Paula James can attest, kids could find MY awesome website there and be exposed to unnecessary f-bombs and titty pictures). That's truly a shame, because I think impersonating a tween seeking molestation online would be much more useful, both to society and to Miss Okie's dream of attaining a Master's in Musical Theatre from the University of Central Oklahoma and subsequently hitting it big on the Great White Way. Certainly her skills as a thespian would benefit from such stealthy instant messenger work, and the improvisational experience would undoubtedly come in handy when she's preparing to sing some soaring chorus about AIDS at a matinee of "Rent".
If she's not going to catch predators, I think Miss Okie should have chosen a different platform altogether. During the "grueling" backstage, pre-pageant interviews, she wouldn't shut up about what a diverse and wonderful place Oklahoma is, so she should have done something to rep her own state more honestly. How about, for example, taking on the plight of all the cows that get anthrax there? Granted, probably only me and a handful of livestock and agricultural microbiologists give a shit about that one, but that's probably because most other people haven't seen as many heinous pictures of cutaneous anthrax lesions as I have and care as much as I do about the price of beef. Or she could get her historical consciousness on and try to right the wrong known as the Trail of Tears. You never hear anyone at Miss America saying a fucking word about how Native Americans got screwed over while they're busy faking knowledge of Darfur ("all those tribes, all that war, all those people dying...genocide is, like, really awful"). Or, better yet, she could further her state's great literary legacy by supporting the "We's Joads...we's proud" platform. I'm not sure that exists, but The Grapes of Wrath won the damn Nobel prize and it did start out with Tom, Ma, Rose of Sharon, etc. migrating from Oklahoma, so it would at least show a greater appreciation for the finer aspects of American culture than telling kids to steer clear of internet porn. Kids probably know way more about internet porn than the Dust Bowl drought or the Great Depression anyway, so it would probably benefit society more if she just spent the next year teaching them Steinbeck instead of helpful tips about avoiding online predation.
Miss Okie's victory just goes to show how fucking lame the Miss America pageant is, especially compared to the skanks over at Miss USA. The freshly crowned Miss USA probably would have celebrated her victory by taking a couple bumps onstage and going to third base with her second runner-up. Miss Okie/America just cried, squealed, and hugged all the losers, whose true "I hate you until I die, bitch!" feelings toward the victor were more than apparent behind their aggressive congratulatory smiles/teeth baring. SNORE. When the hell is the Miss USA pageant?
Labels: beauty queens, kewlness, LL Cool Jew, retard rage, sluts, TV
Monday, January 29, 2007
Switching up the Wild Turkey for some Haterade
Last week, the reigning Miss USA Tara Conner got out of rehab for her respective boozing and excessive trips to the ladies powder room at Bungalow 8. Her first order of business was to do a stupid photo shoot of her clutching a teddy bear and making a bunch of wistful facial expressions. It's a far cry from the hard-livin', moonshine-swillin' ways of the Tara Conner of old, a staggering drunk, occasional lesbian, and ruthless competitor on the Kentucky pageant circuit. New Tara Conner is burdened by remorse and addiction, and has surrounded herself in peaceful earth tones and cozy UGG boots to better facilitate a grounded state of mind suitable for recovery. Old Tara Conner applied her Herbal Essences highlights with a pasta fork in the kitchen sink of her double-wide after she cleaned out the Russell Springs, KY Wal-Mart's supply of slutty elastic pirate wench shirts. New Tara Conner is contrite, thoughtful, and wallowing in reflection and self-analysis. Old Tara Conner (and, I might add, pre-rhinoplasty Tara Conner) invested her $50 second runner-up prize in the 2001 Miss Teen Kentucky competition in a jug of Old Crow and a bag of meth.
Of her triumphant return to society as a much, much more boring character, she had this to say:
Specifically, I am an alcoholic, and I'm not in the least bit unhappy about that. Lots of cool people were alcoholics (ie: my boyfriend Ernest Hemingway), and I'm fine with the prospect of destroying my liver. I'm a scientific genius, so once the old hepatocytes start getting exceptionally cirrhotic, I'll just figure out a way to grow a new one in the lab. No problem. Alcoholism rules, and I'm not about to let this dumb 20-year-old run around educating people otherwise. And as far as the "severity of this disease and what it [does] to people", her drinking led to nothing more than some hot girl-on-girl action with Miss Teen USA, which I would classify as a very positive outcome. I think almost everyone can agree that the wasted, slutty Tara Conner in the middle panel was far more intriguing than the mirror gazer and stuffed animal enthusiast she has transformed into:
I am not the least bit interested in Tara Conner lecturing me disingenuously about the dangers of drinking, or telling me about her feelings, or whining about her sobriety, or reinventing herself as a role model for repentant underage drinking bisexuals, or doing ANYTHING besides getting shitfaced and hooking up with Miss Teen USA. Tara Conner's embracing sobriety is a slap in the face to white trash boozehounds everywhere, and I want no part of that. Fortunately, I suspect that her rejection of her roots and new bland persona will result in the media collectively forgetting she ever existed. If she wants staying power, girlfriend should lose the boucle hoodie and get her ass back into the club and onto Page Six. So what if she loses her title? She'll have lost the battle, but won the war.
Of her triumphant return to society as a much, much more boring character, she had this to say:
"My life has completely changed. I'm a completely different person out of rehab. Before I entered rehab I hardly knew who I was. I felt like I was floating and I just needed someone to pull me down. I didn't think I had any kind of issue going into rehab. I even said, 'I'll get some free therapy,' or something like that - and that was so ridiculous. But I've realized I do have an issue. I suffer from the disease of alcoholism and addiction. And if there's anything that I want people to know it's the severity of this disease and what it can do to people."Well, now I'm done with you, Tara Conner. If you have to go to rehab, cry at a press conference, and fellate Donald Trump's undoubtedly flaccid penis to keep your job, fine. It's obvious that you were initially insincere about your intention of really cleaning up at rehab, and simply gave us your best pageant alligator tears to stave off the (disgraced Miss Nevada) Katie Rees treatment. Now, however, that you've gotten your "free therapy", you are making the most out of your bad publicity and talking trash about MY lifestyle.
Specifically, I am an alcoholic, and I'm not in the least bit unhappy about that. Lots of cool people were alcoholics (ie: my boyfriend Ernest Hemingway), and I'm fine with the prospect of destroying my liver. I'm a scientific genius, so once the old hepatocytes start getting exceptionally cirrhotic, I'll just figure out a way to grow a new one in the lab. No problem. Alcoholism rules, and I'm not about to let this dumb 20-year-old run around educating people otherwise. And as far as the "severity of this disease and what it [does] to people", her drinking led to nothing more than some hot girl-on-girl action with Miss Teen USA, which I would classify as a very positive outcome. I think almost everyone can agree that the wasted, slutty Tara Conner in the middle panel was far more intriguing than the mirror gazer and stuffed animal enthusiast she has transformed into:
Labels: alcoholism, beauty queens, PWT, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, sluts
Monday, January 15, 2007
Another one bites the dust
Yet again, the Miss USA pageant is no longer an option for a fallen beauty queen. This time it's Miss New Jersey, Ashley (Fuck Me) Harder, who has voluntarily resigned her crown and thus her dream of competing for the title of Miss USA. Miss New Jersey is not leaving because she's jumped on the (totally awesome) Tara Conner/Katie Rees drunken coked-up exhibitionist lesbian bandwagon, but for a much less tittilating reason: her boyfriend knocked her ass up, and apparently it's against Miss USA pageant rules to compete when you're pregs.
I think that's a wise policy, because nobody wants to see some bitch running around in the swimsuit competition with stretch marks and varicose veins. However, I'm disappointed that her competitive spirit is so cowed that she wasn't willing to have an abortion to preserve her shot at the Miss USA title. I mean, that's probably also against pageant rules, but what Donald Trump doesn't know won't hurt him. He's too busy trying to sue Rosie O'Donnell and Barbara Walters to notice aspiring pageant winners going to the local Planned Parenthood to take care of business after they have unprotected sex. But alas, Ashley (Fuck Me) Harder would rather be just another 20-year-old single mom (albeit one with exceptionally large dental veneers) than Miss USA.
What a loser! And a slut!
I think that's a wise policy, because nobody wants to see some bitch running around in the swimsuit competition with stretch marks and varicose veins. However, I'm disappointed that her competitive spirit is so cowed that she wasn't willing to have an abortion to preserve her shot at the Miss USA title. I mean, that's probably also against pageant rules, but what Donald Trump doesn't know won't hurt him. He's too busy trying to sue Rosie O'Donnell and Barbara Walters to notice aspiring pageant winners going to the local Planned Parenthood to take care of business after they have unprotected sex. But alas, Ashley (Fuck Me) Harder would rather be just another 20-year-old single mom (albeit one with exceptionally large dental veneers) than Miss USA.
Labels: beauty queens, sex, sluts
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Queen of the Lakes Baghdad
BigBagel sent me the following e-mail today:
From: BigBagel (bigbagel@dirrtydirrtypulitzerprizewinningnewspaper)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: [Fwd: Minnesotan Trades Crown for Cammies]
In keeping with the beauty contest theme:
QUEEN OF THE MUTHER FUCKING LAKES TAKES IRAQ, BITCHES!
This may be my favorite ever DoD press release
Minnesotan Trades Crown for Cammies
By Samantha L. Quigley
American Forces Press Service
WASHINGTON, Jan. 9, 2007 - A 22-year-old college student recently traded her beauty-queen tiara for the Kevlar helmet she'll wear when she deploys with her Minnesota Army National Guard unit to Iraq.
For the past six months, Jessica Gaulke's life has been about college classes and making appearances as Minneapolis' 2007 Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes, but soon it will focus on helping lead Iraq to a peaceful democracy.
The Augsburg College senior studying sociology will be deploying as Spc. Jessica Gaulke with the 2nd Battalion, 147th Assault Helicopter Battalion. The unit is scheduled to start training at Fort Hood, Texas, this spring in advance of a yearlong tour in Iraq.
"I'm feeling strong to go. The training I've received is good training, and I'm prepared," Gaulke said. But her military obligation, which she accepted in February 2002 when she joined the National Guard, has ended her rein as Queen of the Lakes.
Although it was never her lifelong ambition to win a beauty pageant, she said the abbreviated experience has been wonderful. So, although she admits it was bittersweet to hand over her crown Jan. 4, she said she feels no resentment.
"I've heard this whole time that, 'You could go. You never know when you're going to go, but you could go at any time and they don't even have to give you notice,'" Gaulke said. "I'm thankful for the six months that I've had (as Queen of the Lakes). Of course, I would have liked to finish the year out, but what I've experienced has been amazing."
During the six months as Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes, she juggled her National Guard drill duties and schoolwork with her public appearances, she said.
"I do it pretty well, actually. I've had to do a couple of changes in my car going from drill to parades," Gaulke said. "I think maybe this is changing the whole outlook on the pageant system and scholarship programs because it's not all about the glitz and glam.
"It's really about the person you are," she said. "Sometimes I don't look the best, but people understand."
Although she's been dubbed the "Brave Beauty," Gaulke said she won her crown based on who she is. "There's no swimsuit, there's no gown or fishbowl questions, things like that we normally see in Miss America," she said. "It's based on your school, your volunteer experience, what you're active in currently."
Gaulke carries a 3.3 grade point average and volunteers as a coach for her high school lacrosse team in the spring. She also works with the Minneapolis-based Open Arms, an organization that makes and delivers meals for residents with HIV/AIDS.
For the down-to-earth beauty queen, trading her crown for cammies is no big deal. "Switching one for the other ... I signed up for it and I knew it was a possibility," Gaulke said.
There's another major life event on the near horizon that makes giving up her crown to head to Iraq seem easy in comparison. "I'm getting married next week," she said, adding that her newlywed husband, whom she'll be leaving behind soon, will take care of their two dogs and the new home the couple just purchased.
"I'm excited and I think life is bringing me in the right direction," she said. "Things happen for a reason."
Yeah, right. I don't believe this song and dance about her "military obligation" being the reason she relinquished her crown. This was obviously to cover up the "brave beauty" and former Miss Robbinsdale's recent habits of tearing up the Minneapolis nightlife scene and bringing disgrace upon the much-revered name of the Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes. From what I hear, this bitch is so out of control that she makes Miss USA look like a paragon of chastity and virtue in comparison. See? This is the smile of a drunken muff diver if I ever saw one.
Proof? You want proof? Well, I don't have any, because I'm too busy to concern myself with trivial matters like accurate reporting or checking facts before I print something. Anyway, my intuition is proof enough in situations like these. I guarantee, the pageant powers that be didn't want the debauched former Miss Robbinsdale kicking it with all these impressionable young ladies...
...so they forced her to comply with drastic measures to cover up the scandal. Hence, all of a sudden she's like, "Oops, I forgot that I joined the Land o' Lakes National Guard five years ago!" Since her after-hours shenanigans going down on the other lucky ladies in the Queen of the Lakes pageant have been hushed up, she's still don't ask-don't tell eligible to get conveniently shipped off and silenced by some pissed-off insurgent. Because everyone knows that what the American Forces Propaganda Service calls "helping lead Iraq to a peaceful democracy" really means "getting your ass blowed up by a roadside IED." No wonder the fallen Queen of the Lakes looks so serious:
The party's over!
From: BigBagel (bigbagel@dirrtydirrtypulitzerprizewinningnewspaper)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: [Fwd: Minnesotan Trades Crown for Cammies]
In keeping with the beauty contest theme:
QUEEN OF THE MUTHER FUCKING LAKES TAKES IRAQ, BITCHES!
This may be my favorite ever DoD press release
Minnesotan Trades Crown for Cammies
By Samantha L. Quigley
American Forces Press Service
WASHINGTON, Jan. 9, 2007 - A 22-year-old college student recently traded her beauty-queen tiara for the Kevlar helmet she'll wear when she deploys with her Minnesota Army National Guard unit to Iraq.
For the past six months, Jessica Gaulke's life has been about college classes and making appearances as Minneapolis' 2007 Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes, but soon it will focus on helping lead Iraq to a peaceful democracy.
The Augsburg College senior studying sociology will be deploying as Spc. Jessica Gaulke with the 2nd Battalion, 147th Assault Helicopter Battalion. The unit is scheduled to start training at Fort Hood, Texas, this spring in advance of a yearlong tour in Iraq.
"I'm feeling strong to go. The training I've received is good training, and I'm prepared," Gaulke said. But her military obligation, which she accepted in February 2002 when she joined the National Guard, has ended her rein as Queen of the Lakes.
Although it was never her lifelong ambition to win a beauty pageant, she said the abbreviated experience has been wonderful. So, although she admits it was bittersweet to hand over her crown Jan. 4, she said she feels no resentment.
"I've heard this whole time that, 'You could go. You never know when you're going to go, but you could go at any time and they don't even have to give you notice,'" Gaulke said. "I'm thankful for the six months that I've had (as Queen of the Lakes). Of course, I would have liked to finish the year out, but what I've experienced has been amazing."
During the six months as Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes, she juggled her National Guard drill duties and schoolwork with her public appearances, she said.
"I do it pretty well, actually. I've had to do a couple of changes in my car going from drill to parades," Gaulke said. "I think maybe this is changing the whole outlook on the pageant system and scholarship programs because it's not all about the glitz and glam.
"It's really about the person you are," she said. "Sometimes I don't look the best, but people understand."
Although she's been dubbed the "Brave Beauty," Gaulke said she won her crown based on who she is. "There's no swimsuit, there's no gown or fishbowl questions, things like that we normally see in Miss America," she said. "It's based on your school, your volunteer experience, what you're active in currently."
Gaulke carries a 3.3 grade point average and volunteers as a coach for her high school lacrosse team in the spring. She also works with the Minneapolis-based Open Arms, an organization that makes and delivers meals for residents with HIV/AIDS.
For the down-to-earth beauty queen, trading her crown for cammies is no big deal. "Switching one for the other ... I signed up for it and I knew it was a possibility," Gaulke said.
There's another major life event on the near horizon that makes giving up her crown to head to Iraq seem easy in comparison. "I'm getting married next week," she said, adding that her newlywed husband, whom she'll be leaving behind soon, will take care of their two dogs and the new home the couple just purchased.
"I'm excited and I think life is bringing me in the right direction," she said. "Things happen for a reason."
Yeah, right. I don't believe this song and dance about her "military obligation" being the reason she relinquished her crown. This was obviously to cover up the "brave beauty" and former Miss Robbinsdale's recent habits of tearing up the Minneapolis nightlife scene and bringing disgrace upon the much-revered name of the Aquatennial Queen of the Lakes. From what I hear, this bitch is so out of control that she makes Miss USA look like a paragon of chastity and virtue in comparison. See? This is the smile of a drunken muff diver if I ever saw one.
Proof? You want proof? Well, I don't have any, because I'm too busy to concern myself with trivial matters like accurate reporting or checking facts before I print something. Anyway, my intuition is proof enough in situations like these. I guarantee, the pageant powers that be didn't want the debauched former Miss Robbinsdale kicking it with all these impressionable young ladies...
...so they forced her to comply with drastic measures to cover up the scandal. Hence, all of a sudden she's like, "Oops, I forgot that I joined the Land o' Lakes National Guard five years ago!" Since her after-hours shenanigans going down on the other lucky ladies in the Queen of the Lakes pageant have been hushed up, she's still don't ask-don't tell eligible to get conveniently shipped off and silenced by some pissed-off insurgent. Because everyone knows that what the American Forces Propaganda Service calls "helping lead Iraq to a peaceful democracy" really means "getting your ass blowed up by a roadside IED." No wonder the fallen Queen of the Lakes looks so serious:
The party's over!
Labels: beauty queens, BigBagel, international intrigue, ridiculous absurdity, sluts
Monday, January 01, 2007
I wonder if she's also into chicks and blow?
LL Cool Jew just sent me the following e-mail:
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@dirrtydirrtynewspaper.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: you must blog, even briefly, about this!
so one of the things i've gotten into since living in mississippi - aside from 300-piece university marching bands - is beauty pageants.
i was looking at the miss america website (jan 29, baby!) and found this:
Miss Tennessee 2007 Profile
miss tennessee is seriously named "blaire ashley pancake."
can you imagine?
"mah naym is blaire ashley pancake of the chattanooga pancakes, not to be confused with those murfeesboro pancakes 'cuz thayer a bunch of trayush."
aka, the rich pancakes.
Obviously I immediately reassured LL Cool Jew that I would write up a little something about Ms. Pancake, simply on the grounds that I too have recently been intrigued by the whole beauty pageant thing. I am curious if the Miss America people are anything like the coked-up bisexual alcoholics duking it out in the Miss USA/Miss Universe/Miss Trump pageants. I get the feeling that Miss America is for the more refined, sophisticated ladies of the pageant world; in other words, the boring, uptight ones. I'd way rather party with the now-deposed Miss Nevada from the Miss USA competition). In fact, the antics that ended the former Miss Nevada's dreams of the Miss USA crown aren't a far cry from what went down at my New Year's festivities last night in glamorous South Hill-Puyallup/unincorporated Pierce County.
Anyway, Blaire Ashley Pancake has decided to put her UT (go Vols!) anthropology degree to good use and vie with the likes of the other super stunners in the Miss America pageant. She's already off to a great start with her two-pronged career ambition of barrister and "philanthroper." I don't know if a "philanthroper" is anything like a "philanthropist," but it certainly sounds impressive. I cannot wait until she starts using the family fortune for the good of mankind, erecting such august institutions as the Pancake Museum of Disco Ball Earrings and the Pancake Institute for Excessive Eyeliner Application. That shit will be on par with the Gates Foundation in terms of its impact on humanity.
I figure Blaire has a pretty good shot, given that some of the competition is pretty stank. Her opponents include my home state's representative, the former Miss Kitsap County and disturbingly feline Miss Washington (a comparison that is NOT helped by that leopard print collared halter she's rocking):
She'll also be taking on Kate Michael, Miss District of Columbia, who has formerly been made fun of by LL Cool Jew herself on RAZZY.org in the 2005 Hall of Heinous Hill Staffers!
I'm sure that the night before the pageant, they'll probably all be practicing how to walk in their busted evening gowns, but in a perfect world, some of these bitches would hit the clubs with the party animal sluts over at Miss USA, have one too many blow job shots, and end up flashing their tits and fingerbanging each other. Now those broads would get my vote, if I were judging anyway.
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@dirrtydirrtynewspaper.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: you must blog, even briefly, about this!
so one of the things i've gotten into since living in mississippi - aside from 300-piece university marching bands - is beauty pageants.
i was looking at the miss america website (jan 29, baby!) and found this:
Miss Tennessee 2007 Profile
miss tennessee is seriously named "blaire ashley pancake."
can you imagine?
"mah naym is blaire ashley pancake of the chattanooga pancakes, not to be confused with those murfeesboro pancakes 'cuz thayer a bunch of trayush."
aka, the rich pancakes.
Obviously I immediately reassured LL Cool Jew that I would write up a little something about Ms. Pancake, simply on the grounds that I too have recently been intrigued by the whole beauty pageant thing. I am curious if the Miss America people are anything like the coked-up bisexual alcoholics duking it out in the Miss USA/Miss Universe/Miss Trump pageants. I get the feeling that Miss America is for the more refined, sophisticated ladies of the pageant world; in other words, the boring, uptight ones. I'd way rather party with the now-deposed Miss Nevada from the Miss USA competition). In fact, the antics that ended the former Miss Nevada's dreams of the Miss USA crown aren't a far cry from what went down at my New Year's festivities last night in glamorous South Hill-Puyallup/unincorporated Pierce County.
Anyway, Blaire Ashley Pancake has decided to put her UT (go Vols!) anthropology degree to good use and vie with the likes of the other super stunners in the Miss America pageant. She's already off to a great start with her two-pronged career ambition of barrister and "philanthroper." I don't know if a "philanthroper" is anything like a "philanthropist," but it certainly sounds impressive. I cannot wait until she starts using the family fortune for the good of mankind, erecting such august institutions as the Pancake Museum of Disco Ball Earrings and the Pancake Institute for Excessive Eyeliner Application. That shit will be on par with the Gates Foundation in terms of its impact on humanity.
I figure Blaire has a pretty good shot, given that some of the competition is pretty stank. Her opponents include my home state's representative, the former Miss Kitsap County and disturbingly feline Miss Washington (a comparison that is NOT helped by that leopard print collared halter she's rocking):
She'll also be taking on Kate Michael, Miss District of Columbia, who has formerly been made fun of by LL Cool Jew herself on RAZZY.org in the 2005 Hall of Heinous Hill Staffers!
I'm sure that the night before the pageant, they'll probably all be practicing how to walk in their busted evening gowns, but in a perfect world, some of these bitches would hit the clubs with the party animal sluts over at Miss USA, have one too many blow job shots, and end up flashing their tits and fingerbanging each other. Now those broads would get my vote, if I were judging anyway.
Labels: beauty queens, hot chicks, LL Cool Jew, ridiculous absurdity, sluts
Thursday, December 21, 2006
More slutty lesbian beauty queens!
For those of you who have been living under a rock, this past week Miss USA Tara Conner was allowed to keep her crown and swank Trump Place Upper East Side apartment for agreeing to undergo drug testing and enter rehab. Miss Universe pageant owner Donald Trump is currently bickering with Rosie O'Donnell over the appropriate response to accusations of wild behavior by Miss USA and Miss Teen USA. This hullabaloo started when one of my favorite New York papers, the New York Post, reported on Page Six that the Miss USAs were tearing up the Manhattan party scene, guzzling booze like Kelly Taylor's mom on Bev Niner, openly snorting lots of coke in various club bathrooms, and turning their pageant crib at Trump place into Lesbian Orgy Central. Would rather see pageant bitches encouraging people to reach for their dreams and prancing around in hideous evening gowns answering questions like "How would you change the world in a positive way?" or them piss-drunk, blowing lines off each others tits, and eating each other out in a coked-up frenzy?
Obviously, booze, drugs, and titties are WAY better than this bullshit! Those pearly white smiles might LOOK innocent, but we all know better. They're anticipating the coke, champagne, and cunnilingus which will ensue once this dumb photo shoot is over.
Well, it seems Miss USA and Miss Teen USA got off easy. Yet ANOTHER bitch from the Miss USA/Universe circuit has gotten in trouble for Girls Gone Wild-esque behavior, and she didn't get a slap on the wrist and a trip to rehab. Katie Rees, Miss Nevada 2007, was stripped of her crown for these photos:
Seriously, what is wrong with this? I don't see why just because Miss Nevada happens to get drunk and happens to drop her pants and then happens to make out with a couple of chicks she should get fired. I think this behavior is so commendable that she should automatically win the title of Miss USA just for being totally awesome. For whatever reason, the prudish assholes working for Trump disagree with me, and seem to want someone who doesn't get drunk and start stripping and exploring her sexuality. Booooorrrrrring. Now I remember why I hate beauty pageants.
It's a damn good thing I've never considered a career in pageant competition, because I can't even tell you how many photos of this ilk there are floating around of me out there. Of course, I'd probably trip on my gown and say something totally inappropriate during the question-answer segment, like, "I'm not trying to change the fucking world, asshole, I'm trying to be Miss USA! Or didn't you pay attention to the fact that this is the Miss USA Pageant and not a goddamn United Nations summit?! What the fuck do expect me to do with a goddamn pageant crown, depose Ahmadinejad?" Old photos of me hooking up with girls and showing my titties would be the least of my problems. Still, I guarantee that if there were more Miss Nevadas running around, more people would give a shit about the Miss USA pageant, starting with me. Just a suggestion, Donald Trump.
[EDIT: Holy shit! If you want to see the full cadre of Miss Nevada's skankity and SUPER NOT SAFE FOR WORK transgressions, click here. It's a lot worse than those relatively tame pictures I posted. Except by "worse" I mean "infinitely more awesome." Simulated oral sex! Nipple licking! Go now!]
Obviously, booze, drugs, and titties are WAY better than this bullshit! Those pearly white smiles might LOOK innocent, but we all know better. They're anticipating the coke, champagne, and cunnilingus which will ensue once this dumb photo shoot is over.
Well, it seems Miss USA and Miss Teen USA got off easy. Yet ANOTHER bitch from the Miss USA/Universe circuit has gotten in trouble for Girls Gone Wild-esque behavior, and she didn't get a slap on the wrist and a trip to rehab. Katie Rees, Miss Nevada 2007, was stripped of her crown for these photos:
Seriously, what is wrong with this? I don't see why just because Miss Nevada happens to get drunk and happens to drop her pants and then happens to make out with a couple of chicks she should get fired. I think this behavior is so commendable that she should automatically win the title of Miss USA just for being totally awesome. For whatever reason, the prudish assholes working for Trump disagree with me, and seem to want someone who doesn't get drunk and start stripping and exploring her sexuality. Booooorrrrrring. Now I remember why I hate beauty pageants.
It's a damn good thing I've never considered a career in pageant competition, because I can't even tell you how many photos of this ilk there are floating around of me out there. Of course, I'd probably trip on my gown and say something totally inappropriate during the question-answer segment, like, "I'm not trying to change the fucking world, asshole, I'm trying to be Miss USA! Or didn't you pay attention to the fact that this is the Miss USA Pageant and not a goddamn United Nations summit?! What the fuck do expect me to do with a goddamn pageant crown, depose Ahmadinejad?" Old photos of me hooking up with girls and showing my titties would be the least of my problems. Still, I guarantee that if there were more Miss Nevadas running around, more people would give a shit about the Miss USA pageant, starting with me. Just a suggestion, Donald Trump.
[EDIT: Holy shit! If you want to see the full cadre of Miss Nevada's skankity and SUPER NOT SAFE FOR WORK transgressions, click here. It's a lot worse than those relatively tame pictures I posted. Except by "worse" I mean "infinitely more awesome." Simulated oral sex! Nipple licking! Go now!]
Labels: beauty queens, hot chicks, media whores, perversion, porn, ridiculous absurdity, sex, sluts, TV
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
