Thursday, December 06, 2007
Mutton Bustin'
Shockingly, this is not the title of some redneck porn. Not shockingly, this is apparently a sport that goes down every year at my hometown's annual claim to fame, the Puyallup Fair. A local country music station sponsors this fake bullriding competition to facilitate fairgoers better Doing the Puyallup, but to ensure that all the fat trailer trash and enfeebled meth addicts from the outlying areas aren't injured, they ride sheep instead...hence, the "mutton" in "Mutton Bustin'."
Thanks a lot, Puyallup Fair, for allowing this event and for letting some slag put up a clip of it on YouTube. As if my town doesn't already have enough of a bad reputation for doing cracker-type stuff, you have to actually sponsor an exhibit based on a sheep-riding theme. Given that our state's need for anti-bestiality legislation was apparently precipitated by activities going on in the greater Puyallup metropolitan area ("metropolitan"=used EXTREMELY loosely here), I don't think that offering the opportunity to mount a bucking sheep is helping people Do the Puyallup in any kind of wholesome way. You can do it at a trot, you can do it at a gallop, and you can do it to a sheep? Puyallup doesn't need its already dismal reputation concerning the prevalence of daffodils and criminal man-on-livestock sex brought further down by our eponymous Fair condoning bareback sheep rides. I'm totally writing a letter to the editor of the Tacoma News Tribune and the Pierce County Herald when I drop into the P-N-Dub next week. The good, non-animal-fucking people of Puyallup and unincorporated Pierce County will not have the name of our beloved Fair besmirched in such a vulgar and perverted manner. Down with Mutton Bustin'!
Thanks a lot, Puyallup Fair, for allowing this event and for letting some slag put up a clip of it on YouTube. As if my town doesn't already have enough of a bad reputation for doing cracker-type stuff, you have to actually sponsor an exhibit based on a sheep-riding theme. Given that our state's need for anti-bestiality legislation was apparently precipitated by activities going on in the greater Puyallup metropolitan area ("metropolitan"=used EXTREMELY loosely here), I don't think that offering the opportunity to mount a bucking sheep is helping people Do the Puyallup in any kind of wholesome way. You can do it at a trot, you can do it at a gallop, and you can do it to a sheep? Puyallup doesn't need its already dismal reputation concerning the prevalence of daffodils and criminal man-on-livestock sex brought further down by our eponymous Fair condoning bareback sheep rides. I'm totally writing a letter to the editor of the Tacoma News Tribune and the Pierce County Herald when I drop into the P-N-Dub next week. The good, non-animal-fucking people of Puyallup and unincorporated Pierce County will not have the name of our beloved Fair besmirched in such a vulgar and perverted manner. Down with Mutton Bustin'!
Labels: bestiality, gross, hilarious shit, P-N-Dub, PWT, ridiculous absurdity, sexy delicious animals
Monday, November 26, 2007
Razzy: Homemaker of the Year
I'm sure you're all wondering how my Thanksgiving went, because you were likely spending the holiday weekend agonizing about my lack of bloggery, as you all undoubtedly spend approximately 99.999999999% of your time thinking Razzy-filled thoughts. I know. But sorry, dudes, even beloved internet icons ("beloved internet icon"=loser with nothing better to do than live vicariously through her own blog) like myself need to take a couple days off from the grueling useless bullshit business sometimes. I actually had a lot of work. My buddy G-Cat and my newest labmate SisterChristian and I decided to host all the grad students who were away from their families for Thanksgiving. G-Cat provided his apartment, SisterChristian provided assistance, and I provided my vast culinary expertise. It was no small feat, as we ended up feeding around 20 people. I made two turkeys in two ovens in two different apartments, stuffing, five quarts of gravy, mashed potatoes, baked macaroni and cheese, three pies, yams, guacamole, and a turkey sculpture out of cheese logs.
Okay, I had some help with everything (except the work of art that is that turkey cheese sculpture, which I lovingly handcrafted myself), but I was basically the head chef and in charge of everything. I pulled it off, garnering rave reviews for my culinary skills.
"Razzy, I didn't think you were this domestic," said one of the orphan grad students attending our soiree.
"As far as wife skills go, I can fuck and I can cook, but I'm shit at cleaning," I explained.
"Two out of three ain't bad," he said (failing to credit Meat Loaf for the quote). I agree, and I think cleaning is the one thing you can get away with sucking at. You can always hire a maid, but men definitely like it better if you can bang the daylights out of them and then feed them a delicious meal. Too bad I'm not in the market for a MRS degree, because I'd be one hell of a capable wifey.
The one area, however, where my homemaking skills fall short is the fact that I do all this cooking looking like a hot trashtastic dyke, with my practical knotted hair, my wife-beater, and my toned upper arms. The fact that before G-Cat could come carve the turkey like the man of the house should, I decided to teach J-Sexy and SisterChristian how to do lesbian sex to it doesn't exactly paint me as a virtuous keeper of home and hearth:
Looks like I just shot to hell my chances of being declared the heir apparent to June Cleaver. Somehow I suspect the people who give out awards based on homemaking skills might frown on teaching bitches how to find a roasted piece of poultry's G-spot. Oh well. At least the turkey tasted good. Better than some snatches I've licked, that's for sure (just kidding, special girlfriends). Plenty to be thankful for anyway!
"Razzy, I didn't think you were this domestic," said one of the orphan grad students attending our soiree.
"As far as wife skills go, I can fuck and I can cook, but I'm shit at cleaning," I explained.
"Two out of three ain't bad," he said (failing to credit Meat Loaf for the quote). I agree, and I think cleaning is the one thing you can get away with sucking at. You can always hire a maid, but men definitely like it better if you can bang the daylights out of them and then feed them a delicious meal. Too bad I'm not in the market for a MRS degree, because I'd be one hell of a capable wifey.
The one area, however, where my homemaking skills fall short is the fact that I do all this cooking looking like a hot trashtastic dyke, with my practical knotted hair, my wife-beater, and my toned upper arms. The fact that before G-Cat could come carve the turkey like the man of the house should, I decided to teach J-Sexy and SisterChristian how to do lesbian sex to it doesn't exactly paint me as a virtuous keeper of home and hearth:
Labels: bestiality, gluttony, grad school bullshit, intentional buffoonery, J-Sexy, lezbollah, perversion, Razzification, SisterChristian
Monday, August 13, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Arthur Lawton
DOB: 1938?
Occupation: former employee of Eatonville Pioneer Farm Museum
Hometown: Unknown, but I'm betting it's somewhere in unincorporated Pierce County
Current residence: Tacoma, Washington
Douchebaggery: Mr. Lawton was working at the Eatonville Pioneer Farm Museum until one of his colleagues stumbled into a barn and caught him with his pants down (literally) while he was in the process of FUCKING A GOAT. He then came up with a really lame excuse and told the chick who caught him that he was just trying to milk it, which is the line he's giving prosecutors too. I milked a goat once at the Puyallup Fair and as I recall, while that act did involve some firm teat-squeezing, it in no way involved penetrating the animal with a penis.
He is now the second person to be arrested under Washington state's felony bestiality law. The fact that my home state actually had to pass a law prohibiting bestiality is a statement unto itself; more embarrassing is the fact that both arrests for this have been in the county where I grew up. First there was the Spanaway man who was caught fucking his family pit bull on the back porch of his meth-cookin' shack, although his Jerry Springer-looking ass was acquitted on animal cruelty charges. I guess the pit bull liked it. Now there's Aberforth Dumbledore's perverted white trash counterpart getting his goat on in Eatonville. Seriously, what is up with all this animal fucking going on in the P-N-Dub? It's a damn epidemic! I shudder to think about how the jails are going to fill the fuck up come September when the Fair starts up. The Puyallup Fair is my hometown's claim to fame, and in addition to rides, scones, and onion burgers, provides barn after barn full of various types of livestock for fairgoers to ogle. The theme song for the Fair goes, "You can do it at a trot, you can do it at a gallop, you can do it real slow so your heart don't palpitate...but don't be late...DO THE PUYALLUP." All these bestiality-minded pervs running around Pierce County are going to give "do the Puyallup" an unwholesome and entirely revolting new meaning. Gross.
[RAZZY EDIT: I went to the Puyallup Fair's website, and discovered that the rest of the words to the "Do the Puyallup" theme song are even dirtier. "All the people and the animals down at the Fair, they do the Puyallup like they didn't have a care, and it looks like so much fun to do, I think I'm gonna learn how to do it too. I saw a duck and a chicken down by the barn, kickin' up the hay and raisin' such a storm, so I asked the farmer just what they're up to, and he said 'The Puyallup, it's what they do.'" Also, if the busted-ass clip art on the site is any indication, in addition to the roller coaster (AKA "the BIG roller coaster" even though it's older than the damn Coney Island Cyclone), the X-treme Scream, and the farm animals, the Fair now features flying corn dogs, which is pretty fuckin' sweet. Ahhh....Puyallup.]
Labels: bestiality, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, gross, oh the horror, P-N-Dub, perversion, PWT
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Looking good, Harry!
I don't pay attention to what's hot at the theatre but maybe I should. Apparently in London they are reviving this play Equus, which is about some kid who needs therapy because he's obsessed with horses. It's starring Daniel Radcliffe, better known as Harry Potter, and while I was initially taken aback because it requires him to drop trou and go full nude onstage, I have to say that after seeing the promotional pictures, this plan gets my full approval.
Obviously, dude has not been sitting on his laurels in between the filming of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, because DAAAMN! Harry Potter's got himself some abs! Certainly he looks hotter in his role as naked equine enthusiast than in his Gryffindor wizarding robes. I'd say that I'd hit that if he weren't seventeen and thus my wanting to hit that would make me a perverted creep. (However, being that I'm getting all steamed up over a picture of a minor who presumably is going to commit what would be a crime in the P-N-Dub with the above nag, that ship may have already sailed.)
A reader pointed out to me via e-mail that it was a "major oversight" on my part having excluded young master Radcliffe from the Hot Jews list. At first I thought, "Oh, he's Jewish?" Then I thought, "Naaah, he's like a little kid. Kids don't go on any list of mine unless it's the 'to kill' list." Now, however, I'm thinking of making an exception for Harry Potter here, because he is a slice of some barely illegal hotness. According to IMDB, he turns 18 in July. Maybe a summer vacay in the UK is in order...
A reader pointed out to me via e-mail that it was a "major oversight" on my part having excluded young master Radcliffe from the Hot Jews list. At first I thought, "Oh, he's Jewish?" Then I thought, "Naaah, he's like a little kid. Kids don't go on any list of mine unless it's the 'to kill' list." Now, however, I'm thinking of making an exception for Harry Potter here, because he is a slice of some barely illegal hotness. According to IMDB, he turns 18 in July. Maybe a summer vacay in the UK is in order...
Labels: bestiality, celebrities, Harry Potter, hot dudes, kewlness, perversion, sex
Thursday, November 16, 2006
My mother needs her eyes checked
I was catching up with my mom via phone the other day and somehow the conversation found its way to recent events in the P-N-Dub, specifically the Spanaway man who was imprisoned for fucking his family's Pit Bull. My mother was laughing with me about it, and then got serious, saying:
"What I don't understand is why he did it in the first place. I mean, he was a very good looking guy."
Riiiiiight, Mom...because usually only ugly people pork the family pet. Besides, I don't know about my mother's taste in men. She has been married for 30 years to my devastatingly handsome father, so maybe the years of monogamy have stunted her idea of what is "good looking", because accused caniphile Michael McPhail looks like what would result if Edward Furlong and the lead singer of the Killers had a wild night of meth-addled passion and conceived an unholy hybrid in the form of this future Jerry Springer Show guest:
Good looking?! I think it's time for my mom to suck it up and admit that she needs her glasses all the time, not just when she's reading.
"What I don't understand is why he did it in the first place. I mean, he was a very good looking guy."
Riiiiiight, Mom...because usually only ugly people pork the family pet. Besides, I don't know about my mother's taste in men. She has been married for 30 years to my devastatingly handsome father, so maybe the years of monogamy have stunted her idea of what is "good looking", because accused caniphile Michael McPhail looks like what would result if Edward Furlong and the lead singer of the Killers had a wild night of meth-addled passion and conceived an unholy hybrid in the form of this future Jerry Springer Show guest:
Good looking?! I think it's time for my mom to suck it up and admit that she needs her glasses all the time, not just when she's reading.
Labels: bestiality, oh the horror, P-N-Dub, perversion, PWT
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Meanwhile, back in the P-N-Dub...
HotLawyer, pay close attention. Here is a seemingly golden opportunity for you to provide vigorous defense counsel to a whole new category of potential criminals, now that Washington state's new anti-bestiality legislation is getting put to good use:
Man could be charged under cruelty law
Prosecutors say a man’s wife caught him having sex with their dog. He might be the first in the state charged under a new animal cruelty law.
KAREN HUCKS;
The News Tribune
Published: October 20th, 2006 01:00 AM
A Spanaway man is the first person in Pierce County – and possible the first in the state – charged under a new section of the state’s animal cruelty law that makes bestiality a felony. Pierce County prosecutors say Michael Patrick McPhail, 26, had sex with his family’s dog Wednesday.
Deputy prosecutor Karen Watson charged the father of two Thursday with one count of first-degree animal cruelty – a crime that could mean up to a year in jail if he’s convicted.
McPhail was arraigned Thursday afternoon in Pierce County Superior Court and a not-guilty plea was entered on his behalf.
Judge Katherine Stolz ordered him held in the Pierce County Jail in lieu of $20,000 bail.
Stolz set trial for Dec. 11.
According to a Pierce County Sheriff’s Department report, McPhail’s wife told investigators that she caught her husband on the back porch about 9:30 p.m. Wednesday having intercourse with their 4-year-old female pit bull terrier.
She took photos of the act, the report says.
The bestiality law, which took effect in June, was prompted by a case near Enumclaw in which a man died after having sex with a horse.
Before the law was enacted, Washington was one of 14 states where bestiality had not been explicitly prohibited.
The totally not-charming burg of Spanaway is just a stone's throw from my hometown of Puyallup, and I have a couple cousins who live there. You may recognize the name from seeing the Pierce County Sheriff's Department bust up numerous Spanawanian meth labs in a seminal series of classic "Cops"/"America's Most Wanted" crossover episodes. It's hardly surprising that back porch pit bull fucking is occurring there, and I'm just relieved that the alleged caniphile isn't related to me somehow.
What I'm really curious about is the guy from Enumclaw (an equally shiteous hellhole), and how exactly he died fucking a horse. Did it kick him or something? Or did he go out like Catherine the Great and get crushed to death mid-coitus? These are the very important details that a relatively crappy paper like the Tacoma News Tribune fails to report. Why would a guy want to bang a horse in the first place? Although I'm unfamiliar with equine genitalia, presumably the nag would have a huge vagina, and I was under the impression that guys typically find that undesirable. Then again, guys typically don't look to other species in kingdom Animalia to get their rocks off, so I suppose that generalizations don't apply in this circumstance.
Anyway, apart from beautiful scenery, verdant evergreen trees, and delicious salmon, the P-N-Dub has something new to brag about: we send people who pork domestic animals to prison! Man, I can't wait for my next trip home to the 253 now that I know its new zero-tolerance policy regarding sex with animals is being rigidly enforced. Finally, I'll get to experience Christmas in a bestiality-free state!
Man could be charged under cruelty law
Prosecutors say a man’s wife caught him having sex with their dog. He might be the first in the state charged under a new animal cruelty law.
KAREN HUCKS;
The News Tribune
Published: October 20th, 2006 01:00 AM
A Spanaway man is the first person in Pierce County – and possible the first in the state – charged under a new section of the state’s animal cruelty law that makes bestiality a felony. Pierce County prosecutors say Michael Patrick McPhail, 26, had sex with his family’s dog Wednesday.
Deputy prosecutor Karen Watson charged the father of two Thursday with one count of first-degree animal cruelty – a crime that could mean up to a year in jail if he’s convicted.
McPhail was arraigned Thursday afternoon in Pierce County Superior Court and a not-guilty plea was entered on his behalf.
Judge Katherine Stolz ordered him held in the Pierce County Jail in lieu of $20,000 bail.
Stolz set trial for Dec. 11.
According to a Pierce County Sheriff’s Department report, McPhail’s wife told investigators that she caught her husband on the back porch about 9:30 p.m. Wednesday having intercourse with their 4-year-old female pit bull terrier.
She took photos of the act, the report says.
The bestiality law, which took effect in June, was prompted by a case near Enumclaw in which a man died after having sex with a horse.
Before the law was enacted, Washington was one of 14 states where bestiality had not been explicitly prohibited.
The totally not-charming burg of Spanaway is just a stone's throw from my hometown of Puyallup, and I have a couple cousins who live there. You may recognize the name from seeing the Pierce County Sheriff's Department bust up numerous Spanawanian meth labs in a seminal series of classic "Cops"/"America's Most Wanted" crossover episodes. It's hardly surprising that back porch pit bull fucking is occurring there, and I'm just relieved that the alleged caniphile isn't related to me somehow.
What I'm really curious about is the guy from Enumclaw (an equally shiteous hellhole), and how exactly he died fucking a horse. Did it kick him or something? Or did he go out like Catherine the Great and get crushed to death mid-coitus? These are the very important details that a relatively crappy paper like the Tacoma News Tribune fails to report. Why would a guy want to bang a horse in the first place? Although I'm unfamiliar with equine genitalia, presumably the nag would have a huge vagina, and I was under the impression that guys typically find that undesirable. Then again, guys typically don't look to other species in kingdom Animalia to get their rocks off, so I suppose that generalizations don't apply in this circumstance.
Anyway, apart from beautiful scenery, verdant evergreen trees, and delicious salmon, the P-N-Dub has something new to brag about: we send people who pork domestic animals to prison! Man, I can't wait for my next trip home to the 253 now that I know its new zero-tolerance policy regarding sex with animals is being rigidly enforced. Finally, I'll get to experience Christmas in a bestiality-free state!
Labels: bestiality, P-N-Dub, perversion, PWT
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