Saturday, April 12, 2008
Braids by Sisqo
Robert Sylvester Kelly AKA R. Kelly AKA the R-uh/Pied Piper/King of R&B AKA the World's Greatest has released a new single called "Hair Braider,"(go listen to it) and it should go without saying that I'm totally enamored with it. Kells has managed to apply his musical alchemy to a relatively leaden topic (coiffure and personal grooming) and transmute it into pure 24 karat gold. To celebrate this achievement, Kells went ahead and applied the Midas touch to his thematically apropos braids:
I'm not really sure how much I can tolerate this matching lamé coat-and-chunky braids combo. If Kells is, as the lyrics to "Hair Braider" suggest, indeed "doing (his) hair braider," he must not be doing a very good job to deserve this style. He looks like some kind of space age Pollyanna meets Liberace. Clearly he's not tipping her enough for the braiding/stripping services. Then again, perhaps coming out of the "booty shop" with this style is the peril of multitasking dirty sex and hairdressing in the middle of the night while really, really stoned. The point is that with this hair, R. Kelly should be a good foot shorter and running around Miami singing about chicks with "dumps like a truck" and his desire to catch a stray glimpse of that thong-tha-thong-thong-thong.
His hair braider apparently is proficient at many styles, from twist-ups to extensions, and he has many styles when it comes to sex positions, but I doubt both of their resumes when I look at R. Kelly's golden tresses. I'm not feeling R. Kelly the dandy metallic bleached blonde. It's time to go back to the zigzag braids that look like spaghetti in your natural black color, Kells.
His hair braider apparently is proficient at many styles, from twist-ups to extensions, and he has many styles when it comes to sex positions, but I doubt both of their resumes when I look at R. Kelly's golden tresses. I'm not feeling R. Kelly the dandy metallic bleached blonde. It's time to go back to the zigzag braids that look like spaghetti in your natural black color, Kells.
Labels: bleach blonde, hot dudes, I LOVE IT, intentional buffoonery, overcompensation, Robert Sylvester Kelly
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Kiss my brass
I've gotten a few comments here and there about the color of my hair. Specifically, several astute readers have pointed out that my color, L'Oreal Feria Pure Diamond Extra Light Natural Blonde, isn't exactly "natural" and sometimes has a brassy tone. I am well aware of this, although I don't really mind it. "Brassy" also means ballsy, brazen, saucy, and loud, attributes which certainly apply to me. I ldefinitely think of myself as a brassy broad. Also, Tonya Harding was a pretty brassy bitch, being PWT from the P-N-Dub and all, and there's no shame in channeling a bit of her scrappy, cheating spirit by having a similar hair color:
I do, however, draw the line at rocking the deflating bangs and partially grown-out Fantastic Sam's spiral perm. Also, I certainly wouldn't be smiling if I had whatever the hell is going on with her teeth. Anyway, my defense of brassiness and my conflicted feelings about Ms. Harding aside, I don't really have a choice about the whole hair color situation. Getting your hair professionally colored in New York City is pricey, and in order to afford it, I'd have to give up drinking. I am a dedicated alcoholic, and not about to let vanity get in the way of my quest to destroy my liver, so that is not an option. Therefore, I see myself in fucking Feria.
I have naturally blonde hair, but it's what my mom calls "dishwater" blonde. I used to have really light, almost white blonde hair when I was a small child, but as I got older, it got darker. I think it's really boring and blah, so I hit the bottle to brighten it up. Big deal. Most blondes don't sport their natural color, so it's not like I'm the only bitch in the room with a bleach job.
Tonight J-Sexy is having a party, and while the prospects of getting laid there are slim (I'm so NOT trying to bang 99% of my fellow science nerds...no offense, grad school guys), there are some people that J-Sexy knows from elsewhere attending. Therefore, on the off chance that there is some cute random single Jamaican boozing it up at J-Sexy's tonight, I decided to touch up my roots this morning while I was catching reruns of "90210" on SoapNet.
As I was pulling on my vinyl gloves and mixing up the chemicals in my bathroom, I noticed that the Feria box was lauding their improved conditioner formula. The concerned readers who have expressed dismay or displeasure regarding my hair color can rest easy now, because the conditioner is now a special formula for blondes called ANTI-BRASS. Presumably the use of this conditioner will reduce the color-treated look of my hair and make it seem more natural. I don't see how conditioner, which is basically grease you put on your hair AFTER you wash out the actual dye, will accomplish this, but it's supposedly "shimmer enhancing" and claims that it will "bring out multi-faceted shine in my hair." So the next time I put up a picture of myself and people are like, "Your hair looks like a yellow crayon" or "Quit dyeing your hair!", instead you can tell me how natural, shimmering, and multi-faceted it looks. And regardless of how my hair actually looks, I'll probably respond brassily.
I do, however, draw the line at rocking the deflating bangs and partially grown-out Fantastic Sam's spiral perm. Also, I certainly wouldn't be smiling if I had whatever the hell is going on with her teeth. Anyway, my defense of brassiness and my conflicted feelings about Ms. Harding aside, I don't really have a choice about the whole hair color situation. Getting your hair professionally colored in New York City is pricey, and in order to afford it, I'd have to give up drinking. I am a dedicated alcoholic, and not about to let vanity get in the way of my quest to destroy my liver, so that is not an option. Therefore, I see myself in fucking Feria.
I have naturally blonde hair, but it's what my mom calls "dishwater" blonde. I used to have really light, almost white blonde hair when I was a small child, but as I got older, it got darker. I think it's really boring and blah, so I hit the bottle to brighten it up. Big deal. Most blondes don't sport their natural color, so it's not like I'm the only bitch in the room with a bleach job.
Tonight J-Sexy is having a party, and while the prospects of getting laid there are slim (I'm so NOT trying to bang 99% of my fellow science nerds...no offense, grad school guys), there are some people that J-Sexy knows from elsewhere attending. Therefore, on the off chance that there is some cute random single Jamaican boozing it up at J-Sexy's tonight, I decided to touch up my roots this morning while I was catching reruns of "90210" on SoapNet.
As I was pulling on my vinyl gloves and mixing up the chemicals in my bathroom, I noticed that the Feria box was lauding their improved conditioner formula. The concerned readers who have expressed dismay or displeasure regarding my hair color can rest easy now, because the conditioner is now a special formula for blondes called ANTI-BRASS. Presumably the use of this conditioner will reduce the color-treated look of my hair and make it seem more natural. I don't see how conditioner, which is basically grease you put on your hair AFTER you wash out the actual dye, will accomplish this, but it's supposedly "shimmer enhancing" and claims that it will "bring out multi-faceted shine in my hair." So the next time I put up a picture of myself and people are like, "Your hair looks like a yellow crayon" or "Quit dyeing your hair!", instead you can tell me how natural, shimmering, and multi-faceted it looks. And regardless of how my hair actually looks, I'll probably respond brassily.
Labels: bleach blonde, celebrities, P-N-Dub, PWT, Razzification, Tonya Harding, vanity
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
