Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Rock of Snore
Well, the great "Rock of Love 2" mystery has been solved. Vh1 announced that Bret Michaels is threatening us with a good time, and by "good time" I mean a whole new arsenal of gaudy flame-embossed cowboy hats, giant bandanas, and other male pattern baldness-disguising devices of a millinery persuasion. Yes, instead of getting Nikki Sixx or the awesomeness that would be Axl Rose's crazy and unruly ass, loyal devotees of Vh1 contrived dating trainwrecks like "Rock of Love" will be getting more of Bret boring us to death with his crappy new songs, bitching about his diabetes, and droning on about his passion for motocross or whatever. Of course, if Vh1 casts another bevy of strippers, amateur internet porn stars, and insane single mothers, then there will undoubtedly be plenty of entertaining moments.
There will be the odd implied orgy with Bret, vodka-fueled bitch fights, and drunken fishnet-rocking whores with pleather skirts and an Aqua Net addiction toppling off stripper poles to the tune of "Nothing But a Good Time." The prospect of having Bret around for another season, however, makes me want to make like my girl Brandi M. in the photo below and mime vomiting:
Bret sucks. Vh1 better not disappoint and bring in some crazy bitches to keep things entertaining, because if the increasingly bare-pated Mr. Michaels is the focus, I won't be able to stay awake through it. On the upside, however, at least they didn't cast Mark McGrath. I'd probably commit some type of terrorist-style suicide bombing if I had to spend my Sunday nights listening to clips from that madness-inducing "Fly" song that Sugar Ray unleashed upon the world like AIDS in a San Francisco bathhouse circa 1981.
And on that note, here's a memo to the production staff at Vh1: I've already heard enough "Every Rose Has its Thorn" to last a lifetime. STOP PLAYING THAT EVERY TIME BRET GETS A BLOW JOB FROM ONE OF THESE GONORRHEIC SLAGS! You don't play "Fight the Power" or "Don't Believe the Hype" every time a beclocked Flavor Flav walks out to greet his harem of skanks on "Flavor of Love," so lay off the Poison. I haven't heard "Unskinny Bop" so many times consecutively since I was nine years old. Come up with something fresh and no, I do NOT mean one of Bret's solo pieces. Just play some classic Def Leppard or something. It's practically the same thing, anyway.
There will be the odd implied orgy with Bret, vodka-fueled bitch fights, and drunken fishnet-rocking whores with pleather skirts and an Aqua Net addiction toppling off stripper poles to the tune of "Nothing But a Good Time." The prospect of having Bret around for another season, however, makes me want to make like my girl Brandi M. in the photo below and mime vomiting:
And on that note, here's a memo to the production staff at Vh1: I've already heard enough "Every Rose Has its Thorn" to last a lifetime. STOP PLAYING THAT EVERY TIME BRET GETS A BLOW JOB FROM ONE OF THESE GONORRHEIC SLAGS! You don't play "Fight the Power" or "Don't Believe the Hype" every time a beclocked Flavor Flav walks out to greet his harem of skanks on "Flavor of Love," so lay off the Poison. I haven't heard "Unskinny Bop" so many times consecutively since I was nine years old. Come up with something fresh and no, I do NOT mean one of Bret's solo pieces. Just play some classic Def Leppard or something. It's practically the same thing, anyway.
Labels: buttrock, Rock of Love, sluts, TV, Vh1
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
The "Rock of Love 2 With..." whodunnit
If for some reason you have not followed "Rock of Love with Bret Michaels" religiously as myself and my similarly petty, frivolous friends have done, you may not know that Bret unceremoniously excused Heather the high-haired stripper who actually tatted "BRET" on her neck to show her devotion in favor of Jes, aka Gwen Stefani circa 1999. Well, he chose Jes after he asked the ladies if they'd both consent to being his girlfriend, but alas, Bret Michaels is not the Hugh Hefner of washed-up glam rockers. Anyway, yesterday I got this e-mail from JerseyGirl concerning the fallout:
From: JerseyGirl (jgirl@thirdmostwatchedcablenewsnetwork.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org), LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@trotskyitepropagandists.org)
Subject: guess it didn't last too long with Jes...
http://www.buddytv.com/articles/rock-of-love/rock-of-love-casting-has-start-11705.aspx
In case you are too lazy to read the actual article linked there, it's basically about how they're now casting "Rock of Love 2," which led us to initially worry that as far as lasting relationships go, the "Flavor of Love" superfamily of shows is 0 for 4 (soon to be 0 for 6, after "I Love New York 2" and "Flavor of Love 3" drop).
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
To: JerseyGirl (jgirl@thirdmostwatchedcablenewsnetwork.com), LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@trotskyitepropagandists.org)
Subject: guess it didn't last too long with Jes...
You should apply!
Also, turns out "I Love NY 2" doesn't start until next week, so we'll have to wait... :(
JerseyGirl countered:
Razzy - YOU should apply. you would put all those bitches to shame!
And since there's no way I'd ever stoop so low as to offer my much-lauded vagina to a balding, insecure has-been with bad cheek implants like Bret Michaels, I had to argue that Vh1 get some fresh members of Poison in for the next go-round:
There is no way in a MILLION years I would ever eff Bret Michaels. C.C. DeVille, maybe, but not Bret. Nor would I tattoo that fuck's name on my neck!
Undeterred, JerseyGirl decided to relive the good times of the climactic "Rock of Love" finale:
that was one of the best scenes of the whole season. when heather just scowled at him and stormed off!
what an idiot though. i mean really, who would EVER get a tattoo like that on your neck
This rehashing and encouraging the other to apply for "Rock of Love 2" between JerseyGirl and myself would have continued all day if LL Cool Jew hadn't stepped in. Being that she is a graduate of the journalism school at Columbia University in the City of New York, she broke out her keen, discerning comprehension skills and pointed out that all hope may not be lost for the storied romance of Bret Michaels and Jes Stefani.
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@trotskyitepropagandists.org)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org), JerseyGirl (jgirl@thirdmostwatchedcablenewsnetwork.com)
Subject: maybe it DID work out with Jes!!!!!
Wait a second ...read this thing carefully:
"And since Bret Michaels and Rock of Love have been successful, of
course, there will be another. We don't know which rocker will be
filling Bret Michaels' bandana, but casting has already started across
the country."
It's not Mr. Every Rose!!!!!!!!!!
JerseyGirl, being her predictable Garden State-obsessed self, responded with some typical wishful thinking:
maybe the next one will be Richie Sambora?
LL Cool Jew and I both immediately called her on her Bon Jovi-centrism. LL Cool Jew stated:
oh god EW. but bon jovi is still, like, selling popular albums. would he deign to do vh1RoL??
maybe it's Kid Rock. nah
Sebastian Bach is married...
Axl??
I offered my own suggestions:
OF COURSE JerseyGirl insists on it being someone from Bon Jovi.
I would seriously apply if it is one of the following hot studs:
1. Klaus Meine, lead singer of The Scorpions
2. Joe Elliott, lead singer of Def Leppard
3. Nikki Sixx, bassist for Motley Crue and former heroin addict
4. Ronnie James Dio (obviously)
5. Dave Mustaine, lead singer of Megadeth, former Metallica bassist, and all around FUCKING LUNATIC
6. Steve Perry...small guy...BIG VOICE
AND OF COURSE
7. DAVID LEE ROTH, JEWISH ROCK STAR!
Then I further responded to LL Cool Jew:
Nah, Kid Rock is busy touring with a certain Robert Sylvester Kelly, a wise career move that will undoubtedly result in a resurgence in his popularity.
Richie Sambora is in rehab right now with Lindsay Lohan.
Axl is a possibility. He needs to lose those cornrows before I'd consider hitting that though.
JerseyGirl liked my ideas:
david lee roth would be cool.
but can you even IMAGINE what kind of girls would line up for Axl? It would be like 20 Tiffany's x500
LL Cool Jew was thinking much more practically:
raz, you have to write a blog about this!
I concurred with both my esteemed Smith alumnae, as well as came up with my own show idea for Vh1:
Axl with 20 Tiffany-squareds would be like the awesomest thing ever. The only thing that would be better would be R. Kelly's Rhythm of Love or something like that. I'm having a heart attack just even THINKING about that.
And yeah, I'll totz blog about this...
Well, that's done, so now the only thing left to do is request that the internet opine via commentary or e-mail about who you think the next eligible bachelor will be on "Rock of Love 2." I actually think Axl Rose could be a real front-runner. His attempts to resurrect G'n'R have been failing, and his media attention is limited to gossip coverage of embarrassing instances such as the time Tommy Hilfiger kicked his ass. He's prime for a Vh1-mediated celebreality comeback, and a dating show would be perfect since you know his broke ass isn't scoring Stephanie Seymour-caliber pussy anymore. David Lee Roth is also always looking for work and attention, so I could see Diamond Dave karate-kicking his way into some trampy slag's heart. Otherwise, I think Nikki Sixx, the lead singer of Quiet Riot, or any of the guys from Rush might be candidates. Anyone else care to contribute their wild speculation? Please do so.
What is most unfortunate is that R. Kelly has no plans to make a "_____ of Love"-type show anytime soon for me to go on and vie for Robert Sylvester Kelly's affections by demonstrating my mad playerette flirter skills. However, it's probably for the best, because even looking at the photo of "Rock of Love" castoff Tiffany apparently making good on her threat to give the R-uh in R&B a good time is making me shout, "BITCH, get your paws off my BOYFRIEND!"
I just have to remind myself that if R. Kelly could, he'd fuck with all y'all, and I'd be sharing him with all the other bitches in the mansion if such a show were to exist. So it's probably for the best that I'm limited to speculating what washed-up buttrocker of yesteryear will be the object of stripper and webcam porn star catfights on "Rock of Love 2" instead of obsessing over whether or not I could win a solo date with Kells.
From: JerseyGirl (jgirl@thirdmostwatchedcablenewsnetwork.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org), LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@trotskyitepropagandists.org)
Subject: guess it didn't last too long with Jes...
http://www.buddytv.com/article
In case you are too lazy to read the actual article linked there, it's basically about how they're now casting "Rock of Love 2," which led us to initially worry that as far as lasting relationships go, the "Flavor of Love" superfamily of shows is 0 for 4 (soon to be 0 for 6, after "I Love New York 2" and "Flavor of Love 3" drop).
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
To: JerseyGirl (jgirl@thirdmostwatchedcablenewsnetwork.com), LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@trotskyitepropagandists.org)
Subject: guess it didn't last too long with Jes...
You should apply!
Also, turns out "I Love NY 2" doesn't start until next week, so we'll have to wait... :(
JerseyGirl countered:
Razzy - YOU should apply. you would put all those bitches to shame!
And since there's no way I'd ever stoop so low as to offer my much-lauded vagina to a balding, insecure has-been with bad cheek implants like Bret Michaels, I had to argue that Vh1 get some fresh members of Poison in for the next go-round:
There is no way in a MILLION years I would ever eff Bret Michaels. C.C. DeVille, maybe, but not Bret. Nor would I tattoo that fuck's name on my neck!
Undeterred, JerseyGirl decided to relive the good times of the climactic "Rock of Love" finale:
that was one of the best scenes of the whole season. when heather just scowled at him and stormed off!
what an idiot though. i mean really, who would EVER get a tattoo like that on your neck
This rehashing and encouraging the other to apply for "Rock of Love 2" between JerseyGirl and myself would have continued all day if LL Cool Jew hadn't stepped in. Being that she is a graduate of the journalism school at Columbia University in the City of New York, she broke out her keen, discerning comprehension skills and pointed out that all hope may not be lost for the storied romance of Bret Michaels and Jes Stefani.
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@trotskyitepropagandists.org)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org), JerseyGirl (jgirl@thirdmostwatchedcablenewsnetwork.com)
Subject: maybe it DID work out with Jes!!!!!
Wait a second ...read this thing carefully:
"And since Bret Michaels and Rock of Love have been successful, of
course, there will be another. We don't know which rocker will be
filling Bret Michaels' bandana, but casting has already started across
the country."
It's not Mr. Every Rose!!!!!!!!!!
JerseyGirl, being her predictable Garden State-obsessed self, responded with some typical wishful thinking:
maybe the next one will be Richie Sambora?
LL Cool Jew and I both immediately called her on her Bon Jovi-centrism. LL Cool Jew stated:
oh god EW. but bon jovi is still, like, selling popular albums. would he deign to do vh1RoL??
maybe it's Kid Rock. nah
Sebastian Bach is married...
Axl??
I offered my own suggestions:
OF COURSE JerseyGirl insists on it being someone from Bon Jovi.
I would seriously apply if it is one of the following hot studs:
1. Klaus Meine, lead singer of The Scorpions
2. Joe Elliott, lead singer of Def Leppard
3. Nikki Sixx, bassist for Motley Crue and former heroin addict
4. Ronnie James Dio (obviously)
5. Dave Mustaine, lead singer of Megadeth, former Metallica bassist, and all around FUCKING LUNATIC
6. Steve Perry...small guy...BIG VOICE
AND OF COURSE
7. DAVID LEE ROTH, JEWISH ROCK STAR!
Then I further responded to LL Cool Jew:
Nah, Kid Rock is busy touring with a certain Robert Sylvester Kelly, a wise career move that will undoubtedly result in a resurgence in his popularity.
Richie Sambora is in rehab right now with Lindsay Lohan.
Axl is a possibility. He needs to lose those cornrows before I'd consider hitting that though.
JerseyGirl liked my ideas:
david lee roth would be cool.
but can you even IMAGINE what kind of girls would line up for Axl? It would be like 20 Tiffany's x500
LL Cool Jew was thinking much more practically:
raz, you have to write a blog about this!
I concurred with both my esteemed Smith alumnae, as well as came up with my own show idea for Vh1:
Axl with 20 Tiffany-squareds would be like the awesomest thing ever. The only thing that would be better would be R. Kelly's Rhythm of Love or something like that. I'm having a heart attack just even THINKING about that.
And yeah, I'll totz blog about this...
Well, that's done, so now the only thing left to do is request that the internet opine via commentary or e-mail about who you think the next eligible bachelor will be on "Rock of Love 2." I actually think Axl Rose could be a real front-runner. His attempts to resurrect G'n'R have been failing, and his media attention is limited to gossip coverage of embarrassing instances such as the time Tommy Hilfiger kicked his ass. He's prime for a Vh1-mediated celebreality comeback, and a dating show would be perfect since you know his broke ass isn't scoring Stephanie Seymour-caliber pussy anymore. David Lee Roth is also always looking for work and attention, so I could see Diamond Dave karate-kicking his way into some trampy slag's heart. Otherwise, I think Nikki Sixx, the lead singer of Quiet Riot, or any of the guys from Rush might be candidates. Anyone else care to contribute their wild speculation? Please do so.
What is most unfortunate is that R. Kelly has no plans to make a "_____ of Love"-type show anytime soon for me to go on and vie for Robert Sylvester Kelly's affections by demonstrating my mad playerette flirter skills. However, it's probably for the best, because even looking at the photo of "Rock of Love" castoff Tiffany apparently making good on her threat to give the R-uh in R&B a good time is making me shout, "BITCH, get your paws off my BOYFRIEND!"
Labels: buttrock, Flavor of Love, I Love New York, JerseyGirl, LL Cool Jew, Robert Sylvester Kelly, sluts, TV, Vh1
Monday, August 20, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Lacey Conner
Name: Lacey Conner
DOB: ???
Occupation: musician, PETA slag, reality TV whore
Hometown: Dallas, Texas
Current residence: Silver Lake, Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: Lacey Conner is one of the trashy hookers vying for Bret Michaels's affections on Vh1's "Rock of Love." While my girl Brandi "BeBe/Pamela the Amateur Facial Queen" M. continues to kick ass (as usual, she was the first one selected by Bret last night after a particularly satisfying date to a hockey game which BeBe enjoyed thanks to the plethora of "beers and men with sticks"), Lacey spent last night's episode being even more annoying than usual. I've hated Lacey since I first laid eyes on her, because she has that really horrible fake red/magenta hair color that I absolutely detest. She looks like she should play bass for the Holograms (as in, Jem and the...as in, truly truly truly outrageous), and while that might seem kind of cool, bitches reminiscent of punk-flavored Barbie knockoffs don't get me all wet. She also has a lip ring, and I can't stand most facial piercings because they are distracting and impractical, and usually favored by people who love to tell everyone how goddamn edgy they think they are. I bet food gets caught in Lacey's lip ring, and I can't imagine it does anything besides annoy the hell out of the person kissing or receiving oral from her. Furthermore, she's got a calculating, evil-bitch look to her, and when she cleans up, she takes on the appearance of some gonorrheic faux goth whore who just got fired from her job ringing up Ramones shirts and studded belts at the local Hot Topic store.
Lacey rocketed up my "to-hate-on" list when she confronted her fellow Bret Michaels suitor Dallas about her love of meat and clothing fashioned from animal products. OF COURSE Lacey is an obnoxious animal rights activist. It explains her ability to combine sanctimonious moral positions with behavior toward her that is anything but ethical. Lacey is always plotting and scheming ways to "take down" other bitches competing for the heart of the haggard yet wearily appealing Mr. Michaels, and that usually involves orchestrating some elaborate scheme to trick them into behaving badly. This was clearly demonstrated the time that Lacey decided to throw on her "I heart PETA" shirt and get in Dallas's face about what a cruel and horrible person she is in order to provoke a fight.
Then they set up a rematch, where Lacey and Dallas ended up getting physical, and Lacey had to be dragged off Dallas. To Dallas's credit, she showed up for round two wearing every single animal-based article of clothing in the house and put up a damned fine effort in her attempt to "put a foot up (Lacey's) ass." Well, not really, because crazy-ass Rodeo intervened before the altercation could escalate beyond the finger-pointing and pushing stage, but Dallas rose admirably to Lacey's shrill, accusatory invective. Unfortunately, Bret ended up booting Dallas (who flipped him off and refused to hug and wish him well on her way out, causing Bret to comment on her "lack of class") because Lacey was doing an excellent job presenting herself to him as this sweet, accommodating confidant and party buddy as opposed to the conniving, duplicitous cunt that she normally is. Plus, she had a drunken foursome with Bret and fellow "Varsity Squad" members Heather and Brandi C., and the blowjob she allegedly gave Bret there probably gave her a competitive edge, since Dallas wasn't putting out.Lacey talks herself up like she's the rocker groupie incarnation of New York, combining the maturity level of a five-year-old with a volatile temper and an overwhelming feeling of superiority. Unlike New York, however, Lacey never does anything remotely amusing. She is usually just a straight-up bitch, and her attempts at being disparaging lack New York's inherent hilarity and charisma. For example, Lacey could never come up with anything as poetic as New York's rant about Deelishis's mother's plastic hair in "Flavor of Love 2" or as charmingly juvenile as New York's tendency to rebut arguments by mooning her challenger. Lacey is inferior as a cagey, deceitful, unscrupulous reality show villain, because she is about as entertaining as a mosquito bite, and her attempts at character assassination, psychological warfare, and Machiavellian treachery, despite being unnecessarily convoluted, are laughably inadequate and uninspired. Unless Lacey can step up her game to achieve the "Melrose Place" caliber of bitchery necessary for success as a memorable reality show contestant, she's not going to do anything but make me hate her and wish vehemently for Bret to cut her predictably nasty ass and spare the viewers further from her mean-spirited, unlikable mediocrity.
When she's not co-conspiring the downfall of the other contestants with her ally Heather, a suspiciously trannish-looking Scores stripper, Lacey is usually annoying everyone by discussing her prowess at music. Lacey was in some godawful industrial band called Nocturne, that is described in a soon-to-be-removed Wikipedia profile as "a piece of poop that was formed in 1999 in Dallas, Texas. The poop was formed of two core members, Lacey Conner and Chris Telkes, and several touring musicians." Their MySpace page validates this claim, as a mere fifteen seconds into "Whore remixed by DOPE," I wanted to start kicking my speakers. Lacey's sound is exactly like her personality: grating, overbearing, and borderline seizure-inducing. Appropriately, Lacey also does guest vocals for a band called Pigface.
Last night, Lacey was described by the other girls as "two-faced" and "insincere," and Bret seemed to finally take heed. He stated that he's going to be more suspicious of Lacey from now on. Hopefully he'll catch her doing something shady and boot her ass right back to where it belongs: wallowing in obscurity.
Labels: buttrock, Daily Douchebag, media whores, overcompensation, sluts, Vh1, you're ugly
Monday, July 30, 2007
Rock of Webcam Porn
Now according to my "Daily Dude I Want to Hit" section, I'm lusting after two porn stars, or at least one and a half. Briana Banks is, without a doubt, one of the greatest porn stars to have ever lived. Brandi M. from "Rock of Love", on the other hand, apparently was a low-rent cam whore before moving into the mansion to "get some rocker ass."
It seems that if she does get her wish and gets to "fuck Bret Michaels," she'll know what she's doing. LL Cool Jew wasn't too far off base when she compared me to Brandi M. ("you are Brandi M....and Bret Michaels loves it!") One of Brandi's (or per her extremely lame screen name, Pamela's) porn sites was called Amateur Facials. In terms of comparison, that sounds about right, given my illustrious history with that particular sex finale. The only difference is that I've never gotten a faceful of sperm for a paying audience of cheap webcam voyeurs.
Anyway, if you're inclined to see her working it, you can see her stripping down here, doing some sort of military-influenced burlesque show here, and giving head and getting facialized here. Be warned...it is porn. By no means is it the hardest core porn I've ever seen, but there's totally some dicksucking and a cumshot or two in there. Be wary of checking it out at work.
Anyway, if you're inclined to see her working it, you can see her stripping down here, doing some sort of military-influenced burlesque show here, and giving head and getting facialized here. Be warned...it is porn. By no means is it the hardest core porn I've ever seen, but there's totally some dicksucking and a cumshot or two in there. Be wary of checking it out at work.
Labels: buttrock, porn, Razzification, sluts, TV, Vh1
Monday, July 16, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Brandi M.
DOB: ???
Occupation: Prospective girlfriend of Bret Michaels
Hometown: Buffalo, New York
Current residence: Probably LA
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Unfortunately, I missed most of the premiere of "Rock of Love" last night because I was returning from the beach, where for once I didn't get a stupid sunburn, but did get stinking, staggering, obscenely drunk. As I was in the cab returning from the bar outside Penn Station where I furthered my inebriation with Rack and TheOldGuy, LL Cool Jew texted me, "One of these Rock of Love girls reminds me of you just from the previews...the one who says, 'I'm gonna get me some rocker ass!' and 'I'm a Scorpio...I'm ruled by my genitals!' Her name is Brandi M." I cursed myself for forgetting that I should have raced home to catch "Rock of Love" instead of staying at the bar to argue vehemently with Rack about Isaiah Washington.
For those of you not pathetically addicted to Vh1 "Celebreality" shows, "Rock of Love" is like "Flavor of Love," except instead of trying to winnow a batch of whores with bad weaves down to find William "Flavor Flav" Drayton's true love, it's trying to winnow a batch of whores with bad perms down to find Bret Michaels's true love. According to Vh1's website:
Since 1986 when MTV introduced the world to the blue-eyed lead singer of Poison, women around the world have worshiped Bret Michael's as a veritable Rock God. Never out of the spotlight, Bret's career is still rocking with Poison and as a successful solo artist and the women are still lining up in hopes of a lying down with the sexy star. But the demands of life-on-the-road for the ultimate rocker have taken a toll...on his love life.I love this description of Bret Michaels and the pitfalls of being his girlfriend. What are these "red carpets and awards shows" that Bret is not always attending? Who are these "famous friends" that these bitches will need to keep their cool around? C.C. DeVille was on the damn "Surreal Life", so I wouldn't be pissing myself with awe if he were to make a tenuously sober appearance at Bret's Hollywood Hills mansion. And exactly how will these hookers "contribute to his music"? Last time I checked, "Unskinny Bop" had already been written, and you know that along with "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," "Something to Believe In," and "I Want Action," nobody wants to hear Bret Michaels singing anything but that, so any contribution from these skanks is unnecessary. However, I think that Brandi M. will have no problem getting down and dirty with him doing "extreme sports" and look smokin' hot while doing so.
Twenty lucky ladies will get their chance for an All-Access pass to Bret Michaels' heart and to share in all his superstar lifestyle. Bret will invite twenty handpicked beautiful women to move into his rock and roll palace in the Hollywood Hills and compete for his heart. They must win over his mind and his body by proving their love for Bret, their passion for rock and their potential to be the perfect "Rock Star Girlfriend."
Each week, Bret will design challenges to test the girls' ability to adapt to the true rock 'n roll life. Not always red carpets and award shows, who will best adapt to life in a cramped, grungy tour bus with Bret and his roadie buddies? Who can handle the competition from outrageous, and sometimes hotter groupies? Who can keep her cool around his famous friends? Who can best contribute to his music? Who's not afraid to get down and dirty with him in one of his extreme sports competitions. And perhaps most vital - who will always look smokin' hot doing it?
(Razzy aside to Vh1: hire some web copy editors...your dumbass writers can't spell or properly place an apostrophe worth shit).
Apparently, LL Cool Jew's preview-based estimation of Brandi M. as a Razzy-alike was borne out by her behavior on the show. I got several progressively more excited text messages along the lines of "YOU ARE BRANDI M.! AND BRET MICHAELS LOVES IT!" and "Bret on Brandi M.: This girl shows there's gotta be something there after the bump bump!" I got home and caught the last few minutes, but unfortunately didn't get to see Brandi M. in action. However, according to Vh1, she is notable for being "single because there is too much temptation" and can fit her fist in her mouth. Obviously she's totally my kind of girl.
Also, she is from Buffalo, and I have yet to meet anyone from Buffalo that I don't want to bang the hell out of. I don't know if it's something in the water or the local chicken wing-based diet that presumably the locals are raised on, but people from Buffalo are always sexy as hell. There's this dude in grad school who is rated by every chick I've ever surveyed as one of if not THE hottest guy there (granted, that's not much of a contest, but he'd stand out in a room full of regular hot guys too). Adding to his sexiness is the fact that he's Catholic and an excellent fantasy football league treasurer. His good looks and good attitude about cheerfully taking many a JP Losman-related verbal jab are even sufficient to make me ignore his talk about hockey, which is my most-hated sport. One of my brother Lil Tevie's friends married a chick from Buffalo, and in addition to her being cute, she also had some hot friends. My sources (aka my mom) tell me that Lil' Tevie had one too many jello shots at their wedding and was macking it to these fine Buffalo ladies on the dance floor, which is a sight I am deeply sorry to have missed. Brandi M. is further evidence that for some unknown reason, Buffalo is an unlikely cornucopia of insanely fuckable people.
If you want to see Brandi M. in action, you can check out this "Rock of Love" preview. She is the one who cusses like a damn sailor and introduces herself by announcing, "I want to fuck Bret Michaels." Later on, she describes her female housemates with such a stream of profanity-laden invective that I have no idea what she actually said because most of it was bleeped. What a hot piece of trash. I love her.
Thank God Vh1 will probably be showing "Rock of Love" ad nauseum all week and I'll get to watch a full hour of this skank in action. Long live Brandi M.!
Labels: buttrock, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hot chicks, sluts, TV, Vh1
Friday, July 06, 2007
A Process, A Gift, and a Journey
I just saw this on The Superficial and felt it was worth sharing. Someone with WAAAAYYYY too much time on their hands (even more time, apparently, than myself) took the excerpt of her deep thoughts diary entry that Paris Hilton read aloud during her interview with Larry King last week and made it into a power ballad of sorts. The singer sounds like if Ronny James Dio had a baby with the lead singer of Rush, and that baby turned out be a cat dying in agony.
Seriously, this should go on Paris's next album. Lyric for lyric, it's much more powerful than "Stars are Blind." I smell a Grammy!
Seriously, this should go on Paris's next album. Lyric for lyric, it's much more powerful than "Stars are Blind." I smell a Grammy!
Labels: buttrock, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hilarious shit, sluts
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Tribute bands=LOSERS
One thing about MySpace that annoys the shit out of me is that I always get these event invitations for parties and concerts I will NEVER attend. Today I got a MySpace event invitation for this band, which is playing a show in Worcester, Assachusetts:
Of course dudes in Worcester (and that's pronounced "Woostah" if you've never had the pleasure of spending time in western Ass) are flocking to see a fucking Pantera tribute band. What a waste of time. Granted, I like a little Pantera once in a while, but when I'm in a thrash metal kind of mood, I will listen to the damn Cowboys from Hell CD, not follow some pathetic Pantera imitators all over New England to some shithole off the Ass Pike, full of Pats Starter jacket-wearing slack-jawed chowderheads headbanging to these fucktards' piss-poor covers of "Mouth For War" or "Planet Caravan." I don't believe Trendkill's mission statement claiming that when it comes to imitating Pantera, because they have spent 4 years perfecting their "brutal" formula:
The latest "more brutal than ever" iteration of Trendkill is allegedly so believable that I would mistake them for "the real deal" the moment they take the stage. The real deal? I don't think so:
Dimebag Darrell Abbott is likely rolling over in his grave that a fruitcake like the guitarist above is playing the riffs on such masterpieces as "Yesterday Don't Mean Shit" and "Fucking Hostile." For reference, below is what "the real deal" Pantera looks like. These asskicking Texans don't look too happy that a bunch of sissy-boy Massholes like the ones above are representing them:
Tribute bands are stupid in principle. I understand that people might miss the experience of seeing Pantera live, but tough shit! If Pantera wanted their songs to continue being performed live, they wouldn't have broken up. And if you want to hear "the real deal" live, you can buy 101 Proof, Pantera's live album. The idea that Pantera fans are so desperate to see Pantera live that they'd gladly show up in some shitty club in Putnam, Connecticut to see a bunch of candy-ass bitches PRETEND to be Pantera is stupid.
Furthermore, if you have enough musical talent (such as the ability to sing, play an instrument, or in Trendkill's case, scream/make loud feedbacky guitar noises in a Pantera-like manner) to warrant joining a band, why don't you start your own fucking band and make your own fucking music? My friend DocDrizzle likes Tori Amos and that sort of introspective chick stuff, but does SHE spend her time covering "Crucify"? NO! She writes her own music and comes up with her own lyrics because Tori Amos CDs are already accessible to anyone with the ability to type "Amazon.com." Why would anyone listen to DocDrizzle pretending to be Tori Amos when they can just listen to the original? And why would DocDrizzle sing someone else's introspective chick music when she can write and sing her own?! I'm sure that she's inspired by Tori Amos and all those other sensitive, processing bitches she likes, but obviously recognizes that Tori Amos can already sing Tori Amos songs just fine. The guys in Trendkill should come up with their own fucking death metal and quit biting beats from Vulgar Display of Power, because they are bitches, and they only make Pantera look bad.
Dimebag Darrell Abbott is likely rolling over in his grave that a fruitcake like the guitarist above is playing the riffs on such masterpieces as "Yesterday Don't Mean Shit" and "Fucking Hostile." For reference, below is what "the real deal" Pantera looks like. These asskicking Texans don't look too happy that a bunch of sissy-boy Massholes like the ones above are representing them:
Tribute bands are stupid in principle. I understand that people might miss the experience of seeing Pantera live, but tough shit! If Pantera wanted their songs to continue being performed live, they wouldn't have broken up. And if you want to hear "the real deal" live, you can buy 101 Proof, Pantera's live album. The idea that Pantera fans are so desperate to see Pantera live that they'd gladly show up in some shitty club in Putnam, Connecticut to see a bunch of candy-ass bitches PRETEND to be Pantera is stupid.
Furthermore, if you have enough musical talent (such as the ability to sing, play an instrument, or in Trendkill's case, scream/make loud feedbacky guitar noises in a Pantera-like manner) to warrant joining a band, why don't you start your own fucking band and make your own fucking music? My friend DocDrizzle likes Tori Amos and that sort of introspective chick stuff, but does SHE spend her time covering "Crucify"? NO! She writes her own music and comes up with her own lyrics because Tori Amos CDs are already accessible to anyone with the ability to type "Amazon.com." Why would anyone listen to DocDrizzle pretending to be Tori Amos when they can just listen to the original? And why would DocDrizzle sing someone else's introspective chick music when she can write and sing her own?! I'm sure that she's inspired by Tori Amos and all those other sensitive, processing bitches she likes, but obviously recognizes that Tori Amos can already sing Tori Amos songs just fine. The guys in Trendkill should come up with their own fucking death metal and quit biting beats from Vulgar Display of Power, because they are bitches, and they only make Pantera look bad.
Labels: Assachusetts, buttrock, MySpace, PWT, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments
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