Friday, October 24, 2008
Reaping the rewards of ragging on fat former classmates with shiteous blogs overexposed on the Facebooks
Over the last day or so, I've had a couple concerned Razzyphiles freak out because my site has inexplicably disappeared from the internets. I have no idea why this is going on, except it might be my karmic reward for telling this fat chick I went to high school with that her lame blog was boring and a waste of bandwidth after I got tired of being exhorted via Facebook to read the latest in her completely uneventful life (she's doing homework, her kid wants to go as some bitch from High School Musical for Halloween, etc.). My old buddy Morrissey'sHair told me that he had previously defriended her on MySpace for posting blog entries that he thought were racist and she consequently tried to start some sort of blood feud with him and his twin brother HotLawyer. When he told me this, and I consequently read a few posts in which she discussed her vaginal bleeding at length and how she was involved in some sort of MySpace messaging scandal with her deadbeat baby daddy, I decided to take some action. I called her fat (although "morbidly obese" is probably more accurate), and left a few now-deleted comments suggesting in a not particularly subtle way that she's a terrible writer and the blogosphere would be a better place if her fingers were chopped off so she could no longer type monotonous shit about her kid and how she dropped some Urban Studies night school class because learning about the constitutional issues affecting poor inner-city black people was just too fucking hard and how she's in charge of the Army wives' bake sale club or something. I forgot to mention that her husband is so ugly that he looks like a long-lost relative of Chingy! in head-to-toe camo (although to be fair, I've never met a hot chubby chaser), but I suppose if she ever draws my ire again, I can throw that in, along with my observation that he has bigger tits than I do.
As a result of all this mean-spirited bitchery, she Facebook-defriended me and wrote a post whining about how she can't write about her feelings without criticism from big cruel meanies like me (and by the way, welcome to the internets, chunks), but perhaps the fates didn't think that was punishment enough for me performing what I consider a service to the blog-reading public. Thus, I am paying for my evil ways by having sporadic connectivity to my infinitely superior, far more interesting source of useless bullshit. I'm now directing my antagonism toward my hosting provider to remind them that I don't pay a whopping $7 a month to deprive my loyal Razzyphiles of my literary hotness for even one second. So, if you can actually read this, know that I'm as on top of it like a hot guy after half a bottle of scotch.
Labels: computer incompetence, excuses, Facebook, fat fucks, Morrissey'sHair
Thursday, July 10, 2008
FTP: Fucking technical problems
Not that you'll be able to read this anytime soon, but there's apparently some drama with Blogger and FTP publishing going on. I don't really understand all the ins and outs about "external servers" and "ports" and that type of incomprehensible tech shit, but the moral of the story is that it takes FOR-FUCKING-EVER to upload anything. I checked Blogger help, and apparently they are the ones with the problem, which I gathered after emailing my broke-ass hosting company and receiving a typically condescending reply about some free FTP client they think I should use). Since my problem seems to be specifically with Blogger's FTP client (and why it's called a "client" as opposed to my preferred term "thingy" I have no idea), I guess I have to wait for their lazy asses to fix it. Since all the people at Google are so busy shooting pool and playing video games and otherwise engaging in lots of non-work recreational activities, I have no fucking clue when this problem will be solved. Blogger's help page told me to clear my browser cache, which is one of the few computer-type things I know how to do, but that did a whole lot of jack shit nothing.
So please bear with me during this time of stalled file transfers. I am still writing useless bullshit as prolifically as ever...I'm just having a hard time blessing you all with it due to circumstances outside of my control. Thanks for your patience, all you hot Razzyphile pieces of trash.
XOBJBS,
Razzy
Labels: computer incompetence, excuses, internet domination
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Website Source
Name: Website Source
DOB: ???–at least since 2005, when I started using their services
Occupation: the shittiest hosting company in the history of the internets
Hometown: ???
Current residence: ???
Douchebaggery: It's no secret that I'm pretty fucking clueless when it comes to the technical aspects of webmastering. I can write and edit like a pro ho, but if anything involving "code" or "root files" or "proxy servers" comes up, I'm completely lost. I suppose I could take a class or something, but that would take actual time, so fuck that. I expect that my hosting company would take care of helping me based on their marketing materials that suggest they are conducive to website-related dumbassery. Too bad they're a bunch of big liars.
I signed up with Website Source when I started my site because they charge $7 a month for hosting. I realize that you get what you pay for, but if that's the case, then Website Source should quit putting things on their website like this:
LIES! I had to buy a big "Webmastery for Dummies" tome to even explain how I could use different software to design my website (and yes, I know the rest of RAZZY.org is a neglected shitshow, but it's not like anyone comes here for the flashy graphics unless that term counts titty pictures). Every time I e-mail the tech support guys, I get some incredibly patronizing response along the lines of "modify this or that in your root files, you dumb idiot." Okay, the "dumb idiot" part may not actually be included, but its implication is incredibly palpable in every e-mail we've ever exchanged. One time, when I e-mailed that I had no idea what the fuck a ".htaccess" file was or where it was located, I was instructed to GOOGLE it. I may be incompetent, but I do know how to use Google, and I could have figured that part out myself. I assumed that the "little technical knowledge" the above Josie Bissett wannabe seems so happy about meant that the tech support people could explain this kind of shit to me instead of forcing me to go dig through some tech geek's blog and decipher a bunch of jargon I don't understand. Apparently, the "more resources" they tout just mean their tech support staffers respond to pleas for help with withering condescension.
This is even more aggravating considering that Website Source is off their game in terms of providing a quality service. Half the time I go to publish my blog, it gets hung up in some sort of endless holding pattern of FTP transfer. FTP is one of the few things I vaguely understand, so I know that when Blogger tells me "your publish is taking longer than expected," it's because Website Source is slacking on picking up the files I'm trying to transfer to my domain server. This pisses me off like you wouldn't believe, because Website Source makes it sound like their cheap-ass hosting plan includes all kinds of high-tech bells and whistles:
Whatever "Helix Streaming Media" is, I don't know, but it sounds fancy and high-tech. And I bet all those acronyms–like CMS, CRM, and ASP–stand for something cutting-edge. Also, that H-Sphere's pseudo-atomic structure implies that Website Source's hosting technology is at the forefront of low cost website servers. Those "Linux" and "FreeBSD" electrons revolving around the H-Sphere nucleus remind me of chemistry and physics, and those are hard, so Website Source must really know what they're doing if they're fucking with all that. Too bad they SUCK HORRIBLY. In addition to dropping the ball on the FTP tip, they offer the world's crappiest e-mail software, and their other services are downright appalling. The other day, I noticed that the "control panel" on my account offered a "URL redirect" service. People have been bugging me for a while to move the blog to the front page of my site, since it's the only part I ever update and the rest of the site sucks hard. I have not, because not only do I not know how, but I fear I might somehow irreparably tinker with file paths or whatever and fuck my entire site into oblivion. So I figured that I could use Website Source's purportedly idiot-proof URL redirect function to divert traffic from the main page to the blog. WRONG. Although I do know how to type "razzy.org" and "razzy.org/RazzyBlog/razzyblog.html," the redirect URL started redirecting everything uncontrollably and caused the browser to crash every time you went to either page. I cursed out my computer screen and changed it back.
The moral of the story here is that if you are like me and want to have a website in spite of the fact that you think "FreeBSD" means "free buttsex dick," DON'T USE WEBSITE SOURCE! For one thing, they totally suck dangling Cisco Adler balls. For another, like me, you're probably too inept to switch to a different hosting provider offering similar subpar services for less than $10 a month. Then again, you might not be able to heed my warning because it's anyone's guess whether I'll even be able to successfully publish this post.
Labels: computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, Razzification, scathing indictments
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
OS X is a fucking pussy
I should rename this website "HatingOnApple Blog" after this week. I thought that between my rants about Coldplay, the Apple Store, and the Genius Bar and TAFKAMA's indictment of the entire brand, the topic of anti-Apple sentiments had been thoroughly explored. However, today while rejoicing in the return of my computer and simultaneously Gchatting with LL Cool Jew, I remembered one other thing I totally despise about being a Mac user.
LL Cool Jew: is it [my freshly repaired computer] working yet?I'm hardly surprised that the Mac marketers in charge of selling new versions of OS X are cat people. I hate cats, and I distrust the motives of people who prefer cats over dogs. Dogs are a species of animal that overflows with loyalty, love, and usefulness, while cats don't give a shit about humans and would probably eat their owners if they could. Choosing cats over dogs signifies a major personality flaw to me. So once again, even though I have my computer back and am happy with its freshly functioning brand new hard drive and keyboard with a working "control" and "øptíön" key, I have to express my stern disapproval for the way those assholes do things in Cupertino. Stupid cat-named operating system-running Macs!
Razzy: yes precious!
Razzy: thank god
Razzy: but i can't transfer my stewpid files
LL Cool Jew: woohoo!
Razzy: from my backup thang
LL Cool Jew: you techie
Razzy: because the "Tiger" OS X that I have now has a stupid inept "Migration Asst"
Razzy: before i used the "Leopard" OS X
LL Cool Jew: tiger
LL Cool Jew: leopard?
Razzy: but i can't install that trash until my PI [boss] gets back from vacation
LL Cool Jew: what is this, kung fu panda?
Razzy: dude another thing to hate about apple
Razzy: they name their various versions of OS X after large jungle catsRazzy: OS 10.1 is "cheetah" or "puma"
Razzy: OS 10.2 is "jaguar"
Razzy: OS 10.3 is "panther"
Razzy: OS 10.4 is "tiger"
Razzy: OS 10.5 is "leopard"
LL Cool Jew: wiggity wack
LL Cool Jew: could they just make One that works?
Razzy: and OS 10.6 is gonna be "snow leopard"
Razzy: SERIOUSLY
LL Cool Jew: i hate how they come out with a better thing every year
Razzy: actually OS X works fine
LL Cool Jew: you can never have teh coolest gadget
Razzy: but this computer is built out of fucking recycled 6-pack rings
Razzy: luckily, my PI is a big Mac ho
Razzy: so i get all the updates without paying
Razzy: but the whole feline theme is definitely another "check minus" against Apple
LL Cool Jew: they should name them after doggers! :)
LL Cool Jew: 10.3 the pugRazzy: YES! CHONGAY!
LL Cool Jew: 10.7 the lhasa apso
LL Cool Jew: 10.8 the dingo
Razzy: although 10.3 would be the laziest operating system ever
LL Cool Jew: 10.9 THE D [the D=LL Cool Jew's perpetually terrified longhaired Chihuahua]Razzy: and THAT would offer NO protection against viruses and spyware
Razzy: and the computer would urinate on you when it crashes
LL Cool Jew: ooooooo
Razzy: that e-mail was RELLAY scaray
LL Cool Jew: the d would be the kewtest operating system ever.
Labels: Apple sucks, CHONGAY CHONG, computer incompetence, doggity style, LL Cool Jew, the D
Saturday, June 21, 2008
(TAFKAMA's) Daily Douchebag: Apple / Mac computer users
Name: Razzy, Tom Hanks, Madonna, Jeff Goldblum, Tim Allen, John Tesh, Bono, Courtney Love...
DOB: Various
Occupation: (Singing the praises of) and (ruing the day they ever decided to purchase) their overpriced impossible to repair computer
Hometown: All sorts
Current residence: Probably in line with Razzy at the Genius Bar store or their local equivalent
Put down your NPR coffee mug (and your crack pipe) and come to your senses! While PCs may glitch out from time to time, the entire business world has somehow decided that PCs are the computer of choice due to the initial cost savings, ease of repair, and ability to customize the machine to suit the exact needs of the end user. Razzy's recent computer woes are proof positive that unless you want to wade through a bureaucracy more convoluted than the North Korean government you are far better off with a boring old PC. While they may not be as aerodynamic and come with far fewer celebrity endorsements, I have never had to ship my PC across the country to have it repaired nor have I been forced to go to an approved Mac repair facility in lieu of choosing from one of the numerous repair shops that are far closer to my home. Have fun driving 30 miles to the only Mac store in your county and standing in line with the squadrons of graphic designer wannabes!
You know the Mac commercials with the PC nerd and the Mac hipster standing side by side? The commercial that they should make would show PC and Mac after a night of hard partying. PC wakes up with a slight hangover and is still able to make it through the work day while Mac has a PCP fueled nervous breakdown and has to fly to the Betty Ford clinic for a week to get his shit back together.
Apple should hedge its bets and stick to the iPod and iPhone. Leave the serious business to the PC manufacturers and the legions of geeks that have made the PC the alpha and the omega of the modern computer age. There is no feasible reason for someone to purchase a Mac computer (unless of course you consider having a two thousand dollar 8 1/2" x 11" paper weight a valid reason). Wake up people! Just say no to Mac.
Labels: Apple sucks, computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, TAFKAMA
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Blame the Geniuses
So this morning you probably went to RAZZY.org looking for your usual fix of useless bullshit, and were shocked and dismayed to find a whole lot of NOTHING NEW. Why, you ask? Because I was at the so-called Genius Bar getting my MacBook fixed. Actually, I wasn't so much getting it "fixed" as I was getting it sent off somewhere for fixing. The good news is that the problem is under warranty, so it's free. The bad news is that it's going to take 5-7 business days, so expect the communiqués from me to be sparse until next week.
Luckily, I managed to avoid murdering anyone inside the Apple store, which is quite an accomplishment considering the very building itself pissed me off:
Not only did its super trendy design give me the impression of descending into the bowels of a giant iMac, but this place is apparently a fucking TOURIST ATTRACTION judging by the number of fanny pack-sporting Midwesterners oohing and aahing and photographing the various displays of iPods and iPhones and other assorted iBullshit. The store was also blasting Radiohead at full volume and inundating me with images of various Apple crap. I seriously felt like I had walked into Recall, and was about to get false memories implanted of being a secret agent married to Sharon Stone wreaking havoc with the evil dictatorship on Mars. The only thing that kept me from going on a murderous rampage was the fact that mercifully, the Apple Store DJ didn't spin any Coldplay jams.
My "genius" was also very friendly and helpful, and he was more of a regular nerd than a hipster Mac nerd, so I didn't hate him. In fact, he made some lame joke that I didn't quite catch, and when I laughed to be polite, he responded, "I see you've read Dune!"
Uhhh...he just made a joke about Dune? I haven't read that book since high school, but I vaguely remember the cheesetastic David Lynch movie. I seem to remember something about some rival feudal lords in space trying to corner the intergalactic spice market, and the main character was some kind of Messianic figure to the desert dwellers, and they rode around everywhere on these worms that were apparently the forbears of the monsters in Tremors, but that's about it.
"Oh, yeah, Dune ruled," I said, hoping that a closed-ended agreement to his Dune-worship would prompt him to start telling me about how he was going to instantly fix my MacBook. It just kept him going about Dune, though. He asked if I'd seen the miniseries (I said, "No, the only thing I watch on SciFi is--ahem--'Battlestar Galactica,'") informed me that a new version of it was being made currently, and he was adapting yet ANOTHER screenplay in his spare time since he felt that the previous efforts weren't faithful enough to Frank Herbert's masterful vision. In spite of all the annoying stories about minutiae involved in various retellings of Dune, I was relieved to have just a normal, sweet, garden-variety nerd handling my MacBook issues than some sort of Justin Long-esque Applephile yammering about the superiority of OS X. The whole process only took about 30 minutes, my blood pressure and overall rage level was considerably less than I thought I was going to be, and I didn't even have to use my (imaginary) AK. Overall, I have to say it was a good day at the Genius Bar.
Anyway, because of the primitive MacBook-free existence I have to live for the next few days, I have to humbly request your patience with me. I'll post a little hither and thither but the copious amounts of Razzification that you have come to depend upon like one of the desert people from Dune requires spice will be lacking until my baby comes back to me with a new hard drive and keyboard. Patience, my love. The precious will soon return. In the meantime, blame the Geniuses for not being smart enough to fix my MacBook on the fucking spot.
Labels: Apple sucks, computer incompetence, excuses, nerd alert
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Daily Douchebag: FUCKING APPLE COMPUTERS!
DOB: April 1, 1976
Occupation: pissing me off and interrupting my all-important constantly available MacBook routine
Hometown: Cupertino, California
Current residence: soon to be the goddamned motherfucking piece of shit "Genius Bar"
Douchebaggery: Today the day has arrived in which I must swap in the broken hard drive that came with my computer for the rapidly disintegrating hard drive that my PI installed before I realized I had a 1 year hardware warranty, so that the warranty will be valid and the pricks at the so-called "Genius Bar" will pop in a new one. Hopefully, they will fix my misbehaving "control" and "option" keys while they are at it, so that I can just reinstall Leopard and get back to having a normal, healthy MacBook that I can take with me everywhere I go. Therefore, be warned: I hope that this is something they can fix on site at the Apple store, but I know the possibility exists that they may ship my Mac off to some nerd sweatshop for its recuperation. If I don't post tomorrow, it's probably because my computer is off at the Cylon Resurrection Ship getting worked on. Yes, I just made a BSG reference, and no I'm not embarrassed anymore that I watch "Battlestar Galactica," even if it IS a show about the robot-battling Olympian god-worshiping Latter Day Saints. If Apple can call their tech support a "Genius Bar," then I can admit to liking my show about space Mormons. Edward James Olmos, Xena: Warrior Princess, Noah Hunter's roofie-slipping brother Josh from "90210," and Stands With a Fist from Dances with Wolves are in it, there's a one-eyed guy who looks like John McCain, the special effects are cheesetastically crappy, and it frakking rules. ANYWAY!
I'm extremely pissed that after owning this thing for less than a year, its components have given me so much fucking trouble, and although I really, REALLY like it when it's working, I've discussed at length how much I loathe the term "Genius Bar." In spite of the fact that I'm expecting to see a bunch of pompous, Converse-wearing, asymmetrical hair-having, non-genius, Justin Long-looking douchebags prepared to condescend to me at the Genius Bar, everyone I know with a Mac has said that they are "always very nice" and "extremely helpful." However, one of those positive reviews came from someone I totally hate and despise, so I'm still skeptical that I won't spend my entire time there doing meditational deep breathing to prevent myself from opening a Costco-sized can of supercunt on the geek chic fucktards scrutinizing my MacBook. It also has not escaped my notice that nearly everyone I know with a Mac in their possession has suffered a trip to the Genius Bar at least once. FalloniusMonk even advised me that the fact that my computer is still under warranty means I get to skip to the front of the line for service, knowledge suggesting that hers broke too during it's inaugural year of life. Since those arrogant "I'm an asshole who manages to be patronizing and self-deprecating at the same time, I'm a Mac!" commercials lead me to believe that Macs never, ever break down and equally infuriating Mac snobs are always crowing about the "stability" and "security" of these computers, it pisses me off that in reality these things have the mechanical stamina of a fucking Geo Prism. Everyone has to take it into the repair shop sooner or later.
As if Apple couldn't piss me off more with all their trappings of false superiority, I opened up my internets browser and saw this as the "Featured Content" on Apple's home page (yes, I'm too lazy to change Safari's default settings for home page selection):
Jesus Christ, Apple, why didn't you also feature the complete third season of "Grey's Anatomy" to complete the Holy Trinity of entertainment that I hate? I've written not one but two SEPARATE posts about how much I hate Fool's Gold, a movie that I haven't even seen, and simply anticipating catching a solitary note of Chris Martin's cloying falsetto makes me want to pull a Van Gogh with BOTH ears. I don't even have to hear him sing; all I need to do is see him shuffling around in some gay-ass collarless waistcoat getting ready to SUCK MAJORLY. I swear that "Vida La Vida" and "Clocks" bump loudly on eternal repeat in my own personal hell. I know that Apple sweats Coldplay's insufferable ass in a major way and I loathe their marketing department's taste, but Tha Carter Vol. III has been selling well too! Weezy F Baby should be up there, bemusedly looking as fucked up on blunts and purple drank as he constantly is, not fucking Coldplay!
I'm pretty sure that Apple has a secret agenda to string me along with the tempting promises a working MacBook offers, only to destroy me with their shoddy equipment and infuriating marketing schemes. I feel like Persephone: the pomegranate tastes great, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck sucking Hades's cock in the fucking underworld! My MacBook better be fixed and it better mean that I get to return to the land of the living AKA a place where my computer does whatever I want it to whenever I want it to with no grinding noises or need to reinstall bitch-ass Leopard.
Labels: Apple sucks, computer incompetence, ranting
Friday, June 13, 2008
Stand by
We are experiencing technical difficulties here at RAZZY.org because my Goddamned piece of shit motherfucking asshole of a MacBook is fucked up again. Last night it went on the fritz and I've spent a good part of the past twelve hours pulling my hair out in frustration and trying to fix it. I have failed in my attempts, so now it's time for my PI--AKA my own personal Apple Genius Bar--to tackle it. I may have to reinstall Leopard YET AGAIN and spend the entire day transferring my backed up files and reinstalling all my critical software pieces, like Office and Photoshop and the like.
So, sorry you guys, I most likely won't be blogging today. You can go ahead and commence the wailing, rending of garments, and gnashing of teeth.
Labels: Apple sucks, computer incompetence, excuses
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
Daily Douchebag: John McCain's teleprompter
DOB: sometime in the last year or two
Occupation: fucking up straight talk
Hometown: probably China
Current residence: Kenner, Louisiana
Douchebaggery: So if you don't live under a rock or on The Island from "Lost," you know that last night, Barack Obama secured all the delegates needed for the Democratic nomination. I got home right in time to see him give yet another hope-change-blah blah blah speech to an arena full of Obamaniacs going crazy in Minnesota. He specifically did this in Minnesota, rather than in Montana where he won his final primary, because that's where the Republican convention is going to be and he wanted to stick it to McCain. That became apparent when his rousing oratory included a bunch of backhanded compliments dissing my man McCain, such as "I respect all of Senator McCain's accomplishments, even if he chooses to deny mine."
I expected McCain to return the favor and start talking trash about Obama. At first I thought this was going well, because I saw an excerpt of his speech in which he stressed his history of bipartisanship and his decades of tireless service to America. He seemed humble. I was like, "Any minute now, he's going to say something awesome about how he's going to own Obama come November." LL Cool Jew then texted me, "I'm sorry, mccains speech was pathetic." Uh oh, I thought.
So I watched more of the speech and realized that it certainly wasn't McCain's greatest moment in public speaking. He kept fucking up because he was having trouble with the teleprompter, which made him appear somewhat feeble and confused. Even Mort Kondracke from FOX News said he looked "old," and to have a crusty old geezer like Kondracke say that means he REALLY looked old. Like pop in a rerun of Lawrence Welk and break out the Werther's Originals old.
If you read the text of his speech, it's actually not bad at all. He immediately starts assuring the public that he is not running for George W. Bush's third term (if I believed he were, by the way, I would NOT vote for him, as while I love bush when it means "pussy," I HATE Bush when it means "inept, corrupt president"), and explains how severely he disagrees with the Bush administration's management of the war. This is one of the primary reasons I am voting for McCain. I hate the Iraq War (and I don't think ANYONE likes it or thinks it was a good idea), but now that we are there, our brave troops and the people of Iraq deserve to have it handled by someone who will look out for their best interests and the interests of the American people, rather than covering their asses politically and sinking deeper into the quagmire as Bush has done. He also points out that things would get even more fucked up if we just say, "Oops, sorry, our bad!" and blindly withdraw as Obama would like us to do.
However, thanks to the teleprompter dicking around McCain's game, he didn't get this out in a way that was stirring or galvanizing. Next to Obama's typical motivational speaker style, he looked like a shambling old man. I blame the teleprompter, because there's no way McCain would look that way if it weren't for technical difficulties. If McCain can handle five years at the Hanoi Hilton, he can handle a little speech about his own awesomeness. He can also certainly READ, so I doubt that his ability to "use" the teleprompter was an issue. It had to be some kind of teleprompter malfunction. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Therefore, I say a big "FUCK YOU" to the teleprompter and expect that those issues will be resolved now that McCain is gearing up to totally own Obama in the general election campaign. JOHN! MC! CAIN! JOHN! MC! CAIN!
Labels: an officer and a hot piece, computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, John McCain, politics
Monday, April 14, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Digg.com
DOB: December 5, 2004
Occupation: unfairly excluding awesome websites like RAZZY.org from social bookmarking-based syndication
Hometown: the internets
Current residence: the dumb, stupid, and dumb internets
Douchebaggery: Yesterday I decided to try and be a motivated webmaster and promote my blog more ably by adding some bullshit to my website that would ostensibly improve traffic (beyond the hot-ass 1100 unique hits--!--I get per day). I heard that there are these sites that allow people to bookmark your site and post it for others to enjoy. Much like Saint Paul, I am an evangelizing zealot when it comes to blessing the non-believers with a powerful message, except in my case it's Razzification rather than a misogynistic and draconian interpretation of the good news in the gospels. Well, I'm an evANGIElizing zealot on the rare occasions when I feel unflustered by my apparent inability to copy-and-paste ready-made Javascript code into my blog template, such as last night when I got bored during the snorefest that was the "Rock of Love 2" finale.
One of these sites is Digg.com. If you add a "Digg This" button to your posts, people can click it and share your site with their friends on Digg.com. Not that I have any friends on Digg.com, but presumably other people do, and besides, if your post gets "dugg" enough times, it gets featured on their front page, thus attracting new Razzyphiles. A girl can never have enough hot pieces in her Facebook fan club, so I thought this sounded like a great idea. Too bad this wasn't meant to be.
After adding a "Digg This" button, I tested it and was shocked to see that other Digg users had already ratted me out as having "adult-only" content. While I would be the first to say that I don't want dumb kids reading my website because I categorically loathe children, and while I certainly acknowledge there's lots of cursing and titty pictures here, my banning from Digg is an absolute travesty. I understand that Digg has a "Terms of Service" policy that explicitly forbids spam, pornography, and profanity, and that's fine. However, I don't have any spam on my site OR pornography (I consider porn distinct from nudie pics in that the latter don't include sex acts, and there's nothing fitting that description on my site). My liberal use of fucking profanity is the only term I break.
I would accept this if Digg.com weren't totally prone to overlooking this in terms of other websites. For example, the website F*cking C*nts hasn't been banned by Digg, and trust that the asterisks are only used in the page title. The Bunny Blog, this chick's blog that I read sometimes which often includes explicit sex stories and f-bombs aplenty, is still kosher in Digg's book. Nor has Digg banned the website AdultFYI, a news site about the porn industry covered with graphic ads for other porn sites. When I say "graphic," I mean there are close-ups of anal penetration and free trailers for movies with titles like Lord of the Squirt, Grandpa Loves Cream Pie, and Britney Rears 4. This site has content sufficiently adult to warrant an age-verification entrance page and a statement of 2257 compliance. Even its URL implies it has adult content! But apparently it's cool with Digg's terms of service while RAZZY.org is not. The worst part is that there is no appeals process. Other than sending an e-mail which will most likely be ignored (as when I was previously banned by Google AdSense for similar "adult content"-related transgressions), I have no means to encourage Digg to reconsider its banning of the world's greatest website! "Democratic" social bookmarking, my ass. If all it takes is for one lame-ass Digg user to rat me out for having "adult content" to get my URL added to its list of undesirables, I'd say that Digg is more reminiscent of Orwellian totalitarianism than democracy. In a democratic society, I'd at least get a trial before being declared an unperson by Big Brother.
Digg sucks for allowing individual prudes to ruin a perfectly good party. You may notice that I have added a "Share This" button at the bottom of posts which allows a user to bookmark this hotness for a variety of social bookmarking and networking sites (Technorati, Facebook, Del.icio.us, StumbleUpon, Reddit, etc.), and Digg is on that. If you are so inclined, feel free to go over to Digg and tell them how hard they blow stank herpetic peen for unfairly fucking over your favorite website ever in the history of the world.
Labels: computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, internet domination, Razzification
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
We are not dumb enough
Last night, I was at my friend JerseyGirl's apartment for our usual Monday night cooking lesson and trashy TV watching. During "The Hills," JerseyGirl and I kept the other ladies entertained by trying to reenact scenes from that night's episodes.
"So, like, I saw, Heidi and Spencer's sister at Vice like last night," I said, trying as hard as I could to master Audrina Patridge's perpetually confused, mouth-breathing smile.
"Too smart! You can tell that you're THINKING and it doesn't hurt," said HillsYes.
"Okay, shit, I'll be LC in this scene, then," I said. Compared to Audrina and Whitney, Lauren Conrad looks like a rocket scientist. "You be Audrina, JerseyGirl."
"Like, she came over and like, talked to me, and went off on this whole, like, thing, and like, I was all, I don't know. It was like really...yeah," said JerseyGirl.
"Still too smart!" crowed HillsYes. "I'm serious, you guys are both too intelligent to pull it off. Even at your dumbest, you're both too obviously smart to even do a decent LC."
"Okay, okay, let's try it again. With even less conversation. I'll be Whitney, you be Audrina, let's just pretend we're talking about our jobs," I said. "Like, it was like, really hard to leave my three-year internship at Teen Vogue, but like, I love saying 'go go go!' to the runway models in this, like, fashion show," I ventured.
"Epic Records is like...like..." said JerseyGirl.
"JerseyGirl just did a good Audrina!" approved HillsYes. As her name implies, she's our resident "Hills" expert. We all watch "The Hills," but nobody thinks about it as much as HillsYes. "You almost had me convinced that you were that fucking clueless. But you're both still too smart."
After we watched "The Hills," all the other girls left, and instead of turning in early like good girls, JerseyGirl and I proceeded to finish drinking all the beer in her fridge. If only HillsYes had stuck around, because we ultimately became Whitney and Audrina in real life. JerseyGirl couldn't figure out how to connect her laptop to the internet, and wanted to know if I would upload the pictures from her digital camera to what she alternately refers to as "MyFace" and "Spacebook."
"You're probably better at figuring out computers than me, anyway, Razzy," she said. "I mean, you do science and you have a website and stuff." This warranted a simultaneous laugh-out-loud, audible scoff, and exclamation of "sha right" from me. I went into biology so I wouldn't have to do any math beyond y=mx+b and I am so completely inept at computers that it's a miracle I can publish a solitary word to the internets.
True to form, I was unable to figure out how to connect her camera to my computer. Well, I connected the cable, but my computer refused to acknowledge the camera's presence even after I installed the camera's software three times. I eventually gave up, blaming it on my having a Mac. I have no idea if that's the problem, but it sounds sufficiently insurmountable and I wanted an excuse to give up since we were both getting frustrated.
"OMG, dude, we really are like Whitney and Audrina right now. No wonder they never asked Whitney to do any photo layouts for Teen Vogue." JerseyGirl said.
"I know we aren't this stupid. HillsYes said we looked too smart!"
"Looked smart," said JerseyGirl.
Luckily, then JerseyGirl had a stroke of genius. She could burn some of her pictures to her one blank CD on her computer, then I could load the disc into my computer and upload it to the social networking internets. We high-fived each other on a job (slightly) more well done than Whitney and LC's attempts to pick up their shoes prior to the Crillon Ball in Paris during the season premiere.
"Obviously I have to name this album 'Whitney and Audrina,'" I said, as I uploaded the pictures to my Facebook page.
"Okay, now we have to do something really dumb, like start tagging stupid stuff," said JerseyGirl. We wound up tagging a vegetable platter, a chair, my tits, our friend Rack's boyfriend TheOldGuy, a spatula, and a cake as JerseyGirl's boyfriend Kodiak and thought this was hysterically funny. Then JerseyGirl logged in to her Facebook account and proceeded to tag pictures of Chris Hansen and John Starks as me and we basically spent about an hour doing more of what JerseyGirl called "being renarded."
Sadly, even at our most inebriated and stupid, I have a feeling that, had a sober observer been present, we still would have seemed more intelligent than Whitney and Audrina. Even at our dumbest, we can't exceed the lofty standards those two broads have set for being vapid morons. Judge for yourself. Here's some pictures of Whitney and Audrina:
And here's myself and JerseyGirl. To level the playing field, I made sure to use a couple pictures in which we are both clearly WASTED OFF OUR ASSES. These pictures were from New Year's Eve, and while I don't remember what JerseyGirl was drinking, I was rolling on a brutal combination of scotch, sake, champagne, and tonsillitis that landed me in the Columbia-Presbyterian ER a day later.
Even when visibly drunk off our asses and not performing at capacity intellectually, we just can't get to that level of visibly stupid. I guess we'll never get our own tightly scripted reality shows. Lame.
Labels: computer incompetence, Dumb Smith bitches, Facebook, HillsYes, JerseyGirl, sluts, The Hills, TV
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Everything--including comments--in moderation
Some of you may have noticed that I have turned on comment moderation. Before any of my beloved Razzy Haters have anxiety attacks about my intention to censor their negative opinions of me, let me explain why I've done this. There is one commenter in particular who constantly posts comments that are completely off-topic from what I've written (as I've never written anything detailing an inexplicable and asinine blanket hatred of Muslims and black people) intended to divert traffic to his shiteous website.
Longtime Razzy readers can probably figure out who this fucktard is. He's a marginally literate ex-con I've douchebagged in the past for being a racist idiot, which changed the tone of his e-mails and comments to me from "I like ur site LOL" to accusing me of being a "slut" and a "cunt." While normally I don't give a shit what people write in the comments, I'm really annoyed that his pathetic ass gets no traffic and he keeps coming to my site, writing the same tired racial slurs ad nauseum, and linking to his site...because reading incoherent rants about Tookie Williams and Keith Olbermann and looking at pictures of his pencil dick are obviously of greater interest to my readers than anything I might compose.
I've been deleting his comments as soon as I get a notification that he posts one, but then he left the following comment last night and I had just had it:
i think i'm going to start leaving links to my far superior site on your site, everyday, at 3am. think of all the people who will read it before you get up and kick your way through the garbage and delete it, LOL.
If you want to learn how to host your own site i'll be more than happy to show you how. for a nominal fee of course.
all you have to do is let me shit on your face. we go to brooklyn maybe once a month so if you're interested in a professional website written in php, mysql, and flash we'll set up a time and you can come and see us on Brighton beach and 10th and let me shit on your face.
What say?
Well, as tempting as that offer of going to the far side of my most hated of boroughs, Brooklyn, to have my face shit on sounds, I have a counter-proposal. What say I teach YOU how to have a website that actually gets some traffic besides you and your three buddies from the Aryan Brotherhood with computer privileges at fucking Elmira? I actually went to his dumb site to pull a screen capture so you could all see what a phenomenal web designer this fucktard is, and thanks to his mad skills with php, mysql, and flash, a stat-tracker popped up to advise me that I was visit number 6054. That means it's the 6054th time someone loaded his home page for the entire life of his site. By contrast, I've had 13,884 page loads from 9,519 unique visitors this week alone. And while my site does a respectable amount of traffic for a personal blog, that's still not very much compared to a lot of other websites with a greater reach and a higher Google PageRank. So it seems that, in spite of his site's supposed superiority, it's not even a contest when it comes to the number of people who want to read my site versus those who want to read his. I'd be happy to teach him how to author a site that people not from his white power prison gang actually want to read, for a nominal fee, of course.
And speaking of his prowess at webmastery, I think that the jury is still out on whether his skills are "far superior" to mine. I'll be the first to admit that I suck at computery stuff, but I'm sure I could learn if I cared. Sure, RAZZY.org's (woefully neglected) home page is what IvyGate charitably called "internet 1.0," but nobody is here to see what a fabulous design template I can create. My website is all about useless bullshit, a subject matter that hardly implies aptitude concerning the technical ins and outs of publishing for the internets. Somehow, however, I think that with a copy of Web Design for Dummies I could come up with something at least as good as the mind-blowingly sophisticated home page this asshole has developed for his waste of bandwidth:
Yeah, that's definitely WAY better than my site. I'd pay top dollar to learn how to make something as professional and sophisticated as this. Man, RAZZY.org looks like something designed by a shit-throwing Rhesus macaque in comparison.
My opinion on what is "far superior" is obviously biased and subjective, so if you wish to judge for yourself, why not compare the tits available on RAZZY.org versus the tits available on his site (his stank mail-order bride's feedbags)? If you had to choose, which set of sweater puppies would you rather motorboat?
From his site:
From my site:
Even the Haters who routinely call me fat and ugly probably would take me without even thinking twice.
And speaking of his prowess at webmastery, I think that the jury is still out on whether his skills are "far superior" to mine. I'll be the first to admit that I suck at computery stuff, but I'm sure I could learn if I cared. Sure, RAZZY.org's (woefully neglected) home page is what IvyGate charitably called "internet 1.0," but nobody is here to see what a fabulous design template I can create. My website is all about useless bullshit, a subject matter that hardly implies aptitude concerning the technical ins and outs of publishing for the internets. Somehow, however, I think that with a copy of Web Design for Dummies I could come up with something at least as good as the mind-blowingly sophisticated home page this asshole has developed for his waste of bandwidth:
My opinion on what is "far superior" is obviously biased and subjective, so if you wish to judge for yourself, why not compare the tits available on RAZZY.org versus the tits available on his site (his stank mail-order bride's feedbags)? If you had to choose, which set of sweater puppies would you rather motorboat?
From his site:
From my site:
Even the Haters who routinely call me fat and ugly probably would take me without even thinking twice.Anyway, as a result of all this annoyance, I went ahead and turned on comment moderation so this loser parasite won't interrupt the flow of people alternately praising me and suggesting that I'm a hideous, withered old hag with a flabby body, a totally busted face, and a pathetic need for attention from anonymous commenters. I figure that since I'm not turning moderation off until he goes away and I am not going to mention him ever again after this post, he'll eventually go find someone else's website to hassle with his inane attempts at self-promotion, if he doesn't wind up back in prison or forget to pay his electrical bill first. I may be too dumb to figure out how to ban IP addresses (and that's actually not the case, I'm just too lazy...a really condescending guy from tech support at my hosting company instructed me on how to do so a while back when the general of the Tej Offensive was trying to get me raped via Craigslist casual encounters ads for busting on Smith girls), but I can certainly easily go to Blogger and select the "enable comment moderation" option. Looks like I've got the last LOL.
So, that's why I have to approve all your comments for the time being. Never fear, I'll still be happy to publish any and all the fat/ugly/slut/lunatic/moron/attention whore comments (and obviously the "Razzy, you are a fucking GOD!"-type comments too). I generally welcome free speech and encourage everyone to share what's on their mind regardless of whether it's complimentary to me or not. So long as you aren't linking to this asshole's site, rest assured that you can wish AIDS on me to your heart's content. Besides, I'm told that moderation is a good thing with regard to sweet, sweet alcohol, so maybe the same is true with anonymous blog commentary.
Labels: computer incompetence, excuses, free fucking speech, internet domination, Razzy Haters
Monday, February 18, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Redtube
DOB: 2007 (?)--that's when I discovered its existence
Occupation: purveyor of free pornography
Hometown: the internets
Current residence: the internets
Douchebaggery: Normally I'm a big fan of redtube.com, which is one of my go-to clearinghouses for free online porn. On Saturday night, I went on a romantic date with this guy who took me out to dinner, then out for drinks, and then back to his crib for a nightcap/hot sex. We did actually have a nightcap before the hot sex started, and while we were sipping our drinks, somehow we wound up on his computer looking at porn. Like I said, it was very romantic. Actually, it didn't start off as watching porn so much as debating whether or not this clip of a naked chick streaking onto a soccer pitch and scoring a goal was a fake or not. Somehow, our discussion of porn tube sites revealed my extensive knowledge of them, and the conversation eventually found its way to Belladonna sticking a baseball bat up her ass. I said, "Here, let me look it up, I know it's on RedTube."
I scrolled to the top of the page to enter "Belladonna" in the search box, but couldn't find it. Shockingly, RedTube got rid of their search function! I looked all over the page, thinking I was missing something. Nope. The search box was no longer where it was supposed to be at the top of the page. Bullshit!
This really annoys me. According to the porn gossip internets, this may have something to do with porn industry big shots taking action against tube sites like RedTube for piracy. Okay, so MAYBE all the non-amateur shit on RedTube is copyrighted and posting it there is technically illegal. However, I don't see how being able to search through all the pirated content there is contributing to it. If piracy is the problem, why doesn't RedTube just remove trademarked material that gets flagged, much the way YouTube constantly takes down Tom Cruise Scientology videos? Now I just have to be content with sorting through whatever videos on RedTube have been recently uploaded, and that's no fun. What am I supposed to do on a day when I feel like seeing Jenna Haze taking it up the ass and nobody has uploaded any illegal Jenna Haze anal footage lately? Sure, I like the element of surprise, but on days when I'm in the mood for something specific, like an all-cheerleader lesbian orgy or a scene from inTERActive, I don't want to sort through 50,000 amateur scenes with titles like "Wife gives blow job" or "Handjob from German amateurs."
Furthermore, even without the search, it's still quite simple finding scenes from obviously copyrighted porn movies. For example, here's a scene of Peter North and some other guy DPing a chick, and as he's the most recognizable male name in the industry next to Ron Jeremy, Peter North isn't filming a damn second for free. Here's a pretty boring lesbian scene with Jenna Jameson (before she got ugly) with Sunrise Adams, and it was obviously shot when they were both Vivid contract stars. And here's my favorite porn chick Briana Banks demonstrating her superior acting skills with an assumed Southern accent ("it's they-ur weddin' day, silly...they're gonna be up there till the cock crow-uhs") and taking it every which way by a pool. All of these famous porn stars didn't wake up one day and decide to post amateur videos to RedTube for free. Some dude at home jerking off ripped these off the DVD (or more likely, a usenet group where these were already being illegally shared) and posted them to RedTube. In fact, half the scenes that claim to be "amateur" actually have well-known porn stars in them. Even without the search function, finding glaring examples of copyright infringement on RedTube is not hard. So bring back the search!
Labels: computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, internet domination, porn
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Justin Long
DOB: June 2, 1978
Occupation: hawking Macs, trashing PCs, starring in shiteous movies, and sticking his dick into Drew Barrymore's fug ass
Hometown: Fairfield, Connecticut
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: I LOATHE those "I'm a Mac, I'm a snotty, pretentious asshole" commercials promoting computers such as the one on which I am typing right now. Most of the time, I am very pleased with my MacBook. However, sometimes it's just as much of a pain in the ass as any other kind of computer. Yesterday, for example, I had to wait five hours while it failed to successfully migrate all my files from my work computer for a second time. After those five hours I had to move the files manually anyway because for whatever reason, the "Migration Manager" didn't like moving the mp3 file for "Yeah" by Big Kuntry King and cancelled out the entire process. If Justin Long had showed up and been all, "I'm a Mac, firewires are awesome," I would have punched him in his smug, smirking face.
Supposedly, Justin's condescending personification of a Mac computer is supposed to make me want to be Mac-snobby, as well. I will NEVER be one of those tools who runs around saying shit like "I have two gigs of RAM and I'm running Leopard" or the typical nobody-cares crap that Mac snobs generally spout off with little or no provocation. While Justin's performances on the silver screen are forgettable at best, his work in the Mac ads is inescapable for me, as I'm both a TV junkie and a Mac owner. I could ignore Herbie: Fully Loaded, but sadly, as I love my computer almost as much as my dogs, I'm not only confronted by Justin, but thanks to Apple's marketing department, I'm fucking REPRESENTED by him. Fuck!
Justin sucks and I hope his career tanks and Apple goes in a different direction with their advertising strategies. Now that he's mildly famous for his Mac commercials, he keeps showing up on my celebrity gossip webpages sucking face with none other than Drew Barrymore. I hate Drew Barrymore. Between her tormenting the world with filling its theater screens with shiteous romantic comedies and perfecting the Bassett Houndish expression that people seem to think is cute, Drew Barrymore is a permanent bane to our culture. I don't need more paparazzi footage and boring gossip about Drew Barrymore, and I sure as shit don't need said internet gossip to feature her sucking face with this Justin Long dipshit.
Besides, Justin Long went to Vassar. Actually, he dropped out of Vassar to play the love interest of the legendary Ms. Britney Spears in her cinematic classic Crossroads. Vassar breeds douchebags. Okay, so I know a few smart, cool people who went to Vassar, but they've got to be exceptions. Vassar is a veritable cavalcade of losers compared to the factory of awesomeness that is Smith Col--wait, what am I saying? Everyone knows that Smith College is not a "factory of awesomeness." More like "factory of ugly boobmashers listening to Melissa Ferrick and looking for stuff to complain self-righteously about." I shouldn't throw stones about him going to a college full of fugly bitches. So I can't hate on our co-ed Seven Sister Vassar too much, except to say that if Vassar's student body has as many losers as Smith's, then those are who Justin Long was probably hanging out with when he went there. He was probably involved with the Vassar equivalent of the Smith acapella group scene. What an asshole.
Labels: celebrities, computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, Dumb Smith bitches, movies, you're ugly
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: YOU, if you're a computer nerd
DOB: your DOB!
Occupation: whatever it is, it involves proficiency at blog design and cascading style sheets
Hometown: wherever you're from!
Current residence: wherever you live, but preferably somewhere in the vicinity of NYC
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Last night, I was hanging out with my buddy Mullah AntoniHo. Well, actually, he doesn't want to be called that anymore for fear of being associated with Ahmadinejad who is getting too crazy for even his taste, so now he's going by TAFKAMA--The Artist Formerly Known as Mullah AntoniHo. Anyway, while we indulged in the nectar of the P-N-Dub (Vitamin R AKA tallboy cans of Rainier beer), TAFKAMA was telling me all about his job and how Amazon.com is recognizing his computer genius properly, and I took the opportunity to beg him for his help.
"Dude, I am so incompetent at webmastering, can you help me?"
"You just need a new layout. Your layout sucks," he said in his typical half-amused, half-scornful manner.
"It's because I suck at coding! I can barely wrap my mind around basic HTML!" I said. "And CSS KILLS me. I am so fucking bad at it, I just can't figure it out! It galls me to no end that when you go to the link for an individual entry, my 'RazzyBlog' header isn't there any more. Well, it's there, but it's the same color as the background. I have dicked around with everything in the template and can't change it."
"Yeah, and you should move your blog to your home page, too. All that stuff on there sucks," he added.
"I don't know how! HELP ME!"
I was praying that TAFKAMA would take pity and just fix my shit in like 30 seconds. As long as I've known him, he has been a computer whiz. When we were in high school, and the internets were still in their infancy, he always managed to find disgusting pictures of horse fellatio and other sick shit on Prodigy. I figured that he'd be able to at least tell me how to make the necessary changes, or point me to some nerd who could help.
Unfortunately, it turns out that being able to write crazy programs for Amazon's account management websites doesn't correspond with being able to make simple repairs to a computationally retarded slut's personal blog. TAFKAMA couldn't even tell me which variety of geek I should ask for at the Geek Squad or whatever to help me. He did, however, suggest something that might help.
"Um, hello, dumbass, you have fans on the internet. One of them can probably help you. Or can hook you up with someone who can."
"You think I should just beg shamelessly on my blog?"
"Yes. 'Daily Dude I Want to Hit: YOU, geeks!'"
I thought TAFKAMA might be onto something, so here it is: my shameless plea for help from those of you with competency with html and CSS, or those of you who know someone who might be. PLEASE help me. I am not above prostituting myself for technical support. Seriously, I will fuck your brains out if you can help me out. In fact, I'll blow you just for referring me to someone I can fuck for blog design help. And if you're not into me, I'll hook you up with someone you are into. JUST HELP ME, because currently my geek squad looks like that picture above, and that's working about as well as Chingy!'s diet. In other words, NOT AT ALL.
Seriously, HELP! HELP! HELP!
Labels: computer incompetence, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, internet domination, Mullah AntoniHo
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
I don't think ur cute
My friend El Polaco just informed me that I sent him a MySpace comment saying that I thought he was cute or something. Judging by the obscenely poor grammar and the fact that I think every moment spent on MySpace takes years off my life, he ascertained that I was not, in fact, the author of said comment which I sent to all my friends, including myself. For the record, El Polaco is cute, but he's also a big, sweet, gay bear so my thoughts on his cuteness are not particularly relevant to either of us in a practical sense.
So if we're MySpace friends and you get some sort of retarded comment from me, then please know that my account has presumably been hacked. I've changed my password so hopefully that will fix the problem. I have not developed the burning desire to tell everyone how they "r cute" or how I have a crush on them or something. If you got a comment from me mocking you and being obnoxious, that would be more believable. I don't think you are cute. In fact, I probably think you're fat, ugly, and not as smart as me. And even if did characterize one's appearance as "cute," I would phrase it a little differently (ie: "I'd totally hit that hot piece", "I'd eff the bejesus out of him/her", etc). I would also probably express it via a different medium than a comment for all of MySpace to see. Like over drinks. Or on this website. Anything but MySpace.
So if we're MySpace friends and you get some sort of retarded comment from me, then please know that my account has presumably been hacked. I've changed my password so hopefully that will fix the problem. I have not developed the burning desire to tell everyone how they "r cute" or how I have a crush on them or something. If you got a comment from me mocking you and being obnoxious, that would be more believable. I don't think you are cute. In fact, I probably think you're fat, ugly, and not as smart as me. And even if did characterize one's appearance as "cute," I would phrase it a little differently (ie: "I'd totally hit that hot piece", "I'd eff the bejesus out of him/her", etc). I would also probably express it via a different medium than a comment for all of MySpace to see. Like over drinks. Or on this website. Anything but MySpace.
Labels: computer incompetence, MySpace, Razzification
Friday, September 21, 2007
Patience, precious
I fully intended to be back in the saddle with regard to blogging by today, but unfortunately, not having a computer for the last week really fucked me up in terms of my work backlog. I've got assloads of unfinished shit for my job at the Columbia patent office, and since they actually pay me more than $10 in ad revenues here and there, that has to come first. Also, it seems everyone I know needs some important document proofread, and guess who their favorite editor is? It seems that my friends don't just love me for my incisive wit, willingness to bare my breasts, and legendary beauty; apparently, they also love my obsession with proper spelling and grammar and my ability to edit the shit out of important documents like qualifying exams and cover letters for consulting jobs. Although I don't get paid for that, I'm a giver, so I work with their deadlines too. Besides, my buddy Js and Ps won't be able to come eat wings and watch football with me this Sunday if he's stuck trying to remove all the accidental German words that made their way onto his CV. Good luck trying to get a fancy international management consulting job when your CV says "schiesse" all over it. You see why I have to help.
However, rest assured that this weekend I'll be breaking my way back onto the blog, and by Monday should be back to a normal two-or-more posts a day schedule. I have lots of opinions as to what's been going on since the death of my laptop effectively gagged me on the internets. There's ample material I want to bitch about, like the depressing fact that Fitty is not outselling Kanye (for now!), the tragedy of living in a country where you can be publicly tortured by taser for asking John Kerry impertinent questions, and the fact that I'm pissed that my dogs are completely useless at filling in for me on the blogging tip.
I tried to get Caesar and/or Chingy! to pick up some of the slack yesterday, and Caesar seemed interested in the MacBook only if I would throw it for him to chase, retrieve, and chew. Since I'm not into destroying my brand new $1500 computer, I tried to give Chingy! the job instead. Needless to say, he was not interested in sharing anything with the blogosphere besides his rank breath and his disdain. He was also not a fan of the beeping sound the webcam makes right before it snaps a picture:
CHONGAY CHONG, WEBCAM! CHONGAY CHONG, RAZZYBLOG!
And yes, I know I'm sitting around with no clothes on looking like some amateur porn star trying to duplicate the sexiness attained by the newlywed Mrs. Tonya Harding Gilooly in that masterpiece of leaked sex tape known as Tonya and Jeff's Wedding Night, but like that's a surprise. Just another day in Razzy land, where the Puyallup is being throughly done 24/7.
Anyway, like I said, I'll be back in full motherfucking effect by Monday, and will put up something more clever and substantial this weekend. Thanks for your patience with me in the meantime, and thanks for being such good sports about me putting up semi-nude pics instead of any real writing. I know it's a cop-out, but it's a cop-out with tits, and that's not all bad!
However, rest assured that this weekend I'll be breaking my way back onto the blog, and by Monday should be back to a normal two-or-more posts a day schedule. I have lots of opinions as to what's been going on since the death of my laptop effectively gagged me on the internets. There's ample material I want to bitch about, like the depressing fact that Fitty is not outselling Kanye (for now!), the tragedy of living in a country where you can be publicly tortured by taser for asking John Kerry impertinent questions, and the fact that I'm pissed that my dogs are completely useless at filling in for me on the blogging tip.
I tried to get Caesar and/or Chingy! to pick up some of the slack yesterday, and Caesar seemed interested in the MacBook only if I would throw it for him to chase, retrieve, and chew. Since I'm not into destroying my brand new $1500 computer, I tried to give Chingy! the job instead. Needless to say, he was not interested in sharing anything with the blogosphere besides his rank breath and his disdain. He was also not a fan of the beeping sound the webcam makes right before it snaps a picture:
CHONGAY CHONG, WEBCAM! CHONGAY CHONG, RAZZYBLOG!
And yes, I know I'm sitting around with no clothes on looking like some amateur porn star trying to duplicate the sexiness attained by the newlywed Mrs. Tonya Harding Gilooly in that masterpiece of leaked sex tape known as Tonya and Jeff's Wedding Night, but like that's a surprise. Just another day in Razzy land, where the Puyallup is being throughly done 24/7.
Anyway, like I said, I'll be back in full motherfucking effect by Monday, and will put up something more clever and substantial this weekend. Thanks for your patience with me in the meantime, and thanks for being such good sports about me putting up semi-nude pics instead of any real writing. I know it's a cop-out, but it's a cop-out with tits, and that's not all bad!
Labels: CHONGAY CHONG, computer incompetence, doggity style, intentional buffoonery, internet domination, PWT, Razzification
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Why it's time to get my Mac on
Last night I was chatting with LL Cool Jew about how our lives have changed since we met back at Smith in 1998. "Who would have thought that ten years later, I'd be married to a guy and you'd be fucking girls?" she asked.
Although I did protest that I still fuck plenty of boys too, that's kind of how I feel about becoming a Mac owner. I never thought I would join this club. For one thing, I'm from the P-N-Dub, and I feel a special fondness for Microsoft, much the way I feel about Boeing, Brown and Haley, or Starbucks. Mac owners are pretentious and annoying. Whenever Steve Jobs drops some piece of crap, sleekly designed new overpriced gadget, all the morons who line up outside to get the iPhone, or the new edition of Mac OS Tiger, or whatever won't shut up with their whole line of pompous "the Mac operating system is SO powerful" bullshit. Mac owners always act like they are some sort of superior class of human being because they have a computer based in UNIX or whatever.
Apple completely fosters this snottiness with their marketing strategy. They have those irritating "Hi, I'm a Mac, I'm a stuck-up ass clown because I come with a webcam" and "Hi, I'm a PC, and I'm fat, ugly, socially inept, virus-ridden, and prone to crashing" commercials. I don't care if Macs do come with webcams; it's not like I've forgotten that the Mac starred opposite Lindsay Lohan in Herbie: Fully Loaded. No amount of smug patronizing is going to distract me from the fact that he's a gangly, pube-stached fuckwit without an ounce of sex appeal and a serious small dick vibe. It's like the Apple marketing department asked (Canadian pick-up artist and general douchebag clusterfuck of stupid headwear and black nail polish) Mystery how to trick intellectually insecure people into buying Macs by incorporating a bunch of condescending "negs" into their ads. Lanky, insufferable assholes with pencil dicks are not what I want in a man OR a computer.
Even worse, Apple actually has the audacity to call the tech support staff in each Apple Store "the Genius Bar." I'm sorry, but that cheap, techie-fied Sarah Jessica Parker knockoff doesn't look like a fucking genius to me, and I dare her to claim that she is so goddamn brilliant just because her ballet flat-wearing hooker ass can configure fucking QuickTime or install iTunes, and dumb it down for the superiority complex-having Mac customers having issues with their supposedly perfect computers.
In spite of this, I'm still getting a MacBook, which is supposedly arriving next Wednesday or Thursday (at which point, I'll be back to my normal blogging routine...thanks for your patience, Razzyphiles). I am doing so primarily because I won't have to figure out how to configure a bunch of add-ons (as is generally necessary with a PC), and because my boss is hooking me up with a bunch of expensive software for Macs. I would be lying if I said that that I wasn't totally excited that one of those software pieces is the web design software that I use to manage my domain (RAZZY.org), and having it on my laptop means that I'll be able to take care of the rest of my site from home. My inability to do that on my old PC (God rest its noble soul) is the reason why everything on this site besides this blog is so horrendously neglected.
Mitigating the sting of becoming what I despise is the fact that the new generation of MacBooks can run Windows. I plan to run Windows whenever possible, and every time some Mac owner sees me on it and tries to engage me in an obnoxious celebration of our computers, I'm going to be like, "Fuck UNIX and Mac OS, I'm running Windows, bitch!" Just because I'm technically going to be among them doesn't mean I'm going to be like them. As excited as I am to get it and reinsert myself in the Matrix (aka the internets)...fuck a Mac and the people who worship them!
Although I did protest that I still fuck plenty of boys too, that's kind of how I feel about becoming a Mac owner. I never thought I would join this club. For one thing, I'm from the P-N-Dub, and I feel a special fondness for Microsoft, much the way I feel about Boeing, Brown and Haley, or Starbucks. Mac owners are pretentious and annoying. Whenever Steve Jobs drops some piece of crap, sleekly designed new overpriced gadget, all the morons who line up outside to get the iPhone, or the new edition of Mac OS Tiger, or whatever won't shut up with their whole line of pompous "the Mac operating system is SO powerful" bullshit. Mac owners always act like they are some sort of superior class of human being because they have a computer based in UNIX or whatever.
Apple completely fosters this snottiness with their marketing strategy. They have those irritating "Hi, I'm a Mac, I'm a stuck-up ass clown because I come with a webcam" and "Hi, I'm a PC, and I'm fat, ugly, socially inept, virus-ridden, and prone to crashing" commercials. I don't care if Macs do come with webcams; it's not like I've forgotten that the Mac starred opposite Lindsay Lohan in Herbie: Fully Loaded. No amount of smug patronizing is going to distract me from the fact that he's a gangly, pube-stached fuckwit without an ounce of sex appeal and a serious small dick vibe. It's like the Apple marketing department asked (Canadian pick-up artist and general douchebag clusterfuck of stupid headwear and black nail polish) Mystery how to trick intellectually insecure people into buying Macs by incorporating a bunch of condescending "negs" into their ads. Lanky, insufferable assholes with pencil dicks are not what I want in a man OR a computer.
In spite of this, I'm still getting a MacBook, which is supposedly arriving next Wednesday or Thursday (at which point, I'll be back to my normal blogging routine...thanks for your patience, Razzyphiles). I am doing so primarily because I won't have to figure out how to configure a bunch of add-ons (as is generally necessary with a PC), and because my boss is hooking me up with a bunch of expensive software for Macs. I would be lying if I said that that I wasn't totally excited that one of those software pieces is the web design software that I use to manage my domain (RAZZY.org), and having it on my laptop means that I'll be able to take care of the rest of my site from home. My inability to do that on my old PC (God rest its noble soul) is the reason why everything on this site besides this blog is so horrendously neglected.
Mitigating the sting of becoming what I despise is the fact that the new generation of MacBooks can run Windows. I plan to run Windows whenever possible, and every time some Mac owner sees me on it and tries to engage me in an obnoxious celebration of our computers, I'm going to be like, "Fuck UNIX and Mac OS, I'm running Windows, bitch!" Just because I'm technically going to be among them doesn't mean I'm going to be like them. As excited as I am to get it and reinsert myself in the Matrix (aka the internets)...fuck a Mac and the people who worship them!
Labels: assholes, computer incompetence, defiance, internet domination, LL Cool Jew, nerd alert, pro-apocalyptic zeitgeist, Razzification, retard rage, scathing indictments
Friday, September 14, 2007
Breaking radio silence
Okay, bitches, I know you probably have been worried sick the last few days about me. I realize that I probably occupy 99.9999999999% of your thoughts (waking and in dreams), so I'm sorry to have you all freaked out about what could be causing me to not update. Well, don't worry...my stalker didn't get me, I didn't get hit by an errant taxicab, and I didn't fall off the face of the earth. I'm still alive and well, but unfortunately my home computer is not. In fact, pour out some liquor for it, because bitch is more dead than Steve Fossett probably is. Apparently, Windows just decided to self-destruct, which isn't that surprising considering my laptop was in such poor health. It pulled the computational equivalent of a Jack Kevorkian suicide rather than continue suffering through its myriad problems (falling-out Zip drive, malfunctioning fan, functionally dead battery, spyware I don't know enough about to remove, etc.).
Because of my computer's unexpected departure from this mortal coil, I haven't been able to get up early and blog as I would like to. At work, I've been slammed with lab bullshit, my stupid departmental retreat, and patent analysis assignments for my side job, and since I'm only allowed to blog "after-hours" (and since I work 10-12 hour days, I wonder when "after-hours" actually is) there, I haven't been able to keep up with my regular schedule of Razzification.
The good news is that I have just purchased a brand spanking new MacBook, which will be arriving sometime next week. The even better news is that, since it's a Mac, I can hook it up with all the sweet Photoshop/Illustrator/GoLive software we have here at work, and thus have better pictures, and more updates to the horribly neglected rest of my site. More rejects! More boyfriends! More porn reviews! The long-awaited (by Rack and JerseyGirl) "Beverly Hills, 90210" fan section! Even better, the new MacBook comes with a webcam, so all the haters will have more opportunities to see me in action and make fun of my weight, appearance, hair color, voice, pallor, etc. in the form of video blogs. Maybe I'll make like R. Kelly and strip for you all when it comes in, just to pop the webcam's cherry all proper-like. In the meantime, please be patient with the relative lack of updates. I'll get some more shit up over the weekend (since I have a full day in lab tomorrow, I'll have nothing to do during incubation times besides describe how my life lately has been, in the words of the Christian rap group GRITS, like ooh-aah. And next week I'll be back in full motherfuckin' effect. Possibly naked. So don't forget about me (like you could)!
Because of my computer's unexpected departure from this mortal coil, I haven't been able to get up early and blog as I would like to. At work, I've been slammed with lab bullshit, my stupid departmental retreat, and patent analysis assignments for my side job, and since I'm only allowed to blog "after-hours" (and since I work 10-12 hour days, I wonder when "after-hours" actually is) there, I haven't been able to keep up with my regular schedule of Razzification.
The good news is that I have just purchased a brand spanking new MacBook, which will be arriving sometime next week. The even better news is that, since it's a Mac, I can hook it up with all the sweet Photoshop/Illustrator/GoLive software we have here at work, and thus have better pictures, and more updates to the horribly neglected rest of my site. More rejects! More boyfriends! More porn reviews! The long-awaited (by Rack and JerseyGirl) "Beverly Hills, 90210" fan section! Even better, the new MacBook comes with a webcam, so all the haters will have more opportunities to see me in action and make fun of my weight, appearance, hair color, voice, pallor, etc. in the form of video blogs. Maybe I'll make like R. Kelly and strip for you all when it comes in, just to pop the webcam's cherry all proper-like. In the meantime, please be patient with the relative lack of updates. I'll get some more shit up over the weekend (since I have a full day in lab tomorrow, I'll have nothing to do during incubation times besides describe how my life lately has been, in the words of the Christian rap group GRITS, like ooh-aah. And next week I'll be back in full motherfuckin' effect. Possibly naked. So don't forget about me (like you could)!
Labels: computer incompetence, internet domination, Razzification
Monday, September 10, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: the A train
DOB: September 10, 1932
Occupation: carrying some impatient-ass New Yorkers (like me) from 125th Street to 59th St-Columbus Circle without stopping
Hometown: NYC
Current residence: NYC, Far Rockaway or Lefferts Boulevard-Ozone Park to 207 St in Manhattan.
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Okay, I know the A train is a pretty weak selection for "Daily Dude I Want to Hit," but I take this train every day and it's one of the dopest express trains ever (at least it is when it's actually running express, and today is the 75 year anniversary of the A train coming into service. Besides, yesterday my home computer had a fucking terrible crisis which is unresolved (Windows won't start...how can Windows not start?!?!) and which may result in me calling my mom and asking for a $1300 computer purchasing loan if Columbia's IT hotness--a tech named Jose who sounded cute but who probably has acne, a prodigious gut, and bad taste in Sun Microsystems polo shirts--can't fix it. Therefore, I was unable to blog this morning, unable to check my Fantasy score last night when I got home drunk, unable to YouTube highlights from the VMAs, and otherwise unable to manage my life at all.
Add to that my efforts to blog up to my usual standards at work are hindered because my boss doesn't like me spending a lot of time blogging in lab, and because our department retreat is tomorrow and he just informed me that he'd like me to present a poster of my work there. While "retreat" implies getting away from it all for a relaxing holiday, it's actually 24 hours of science hell. Practically everyone from the department talks about their work, and I just frankly don't give a fuck about anyone else's project. I'm a fifth-year grad student, which means I'm cynical, jaded, and completely unenthused about anything science-related. There are free drinks, but they do little to mitigate the irritating monotony of the marathon talk sessions we have to sit through. So instead of trying to catch up on my useless bullshit, I have to put something together so I can contribute to the clusterfuck of data nobody wants to see.
So bear with me through lame blog entries resulting from trying to write covertly while I'm supposed to be working until I get this computer business figured out and get this stupid retreat out of the way. Hopefully I'll be back to being mindblowingly awesome shortly. Until then...yeah, the A train is hot. It's the longest subway line in NYC and Duke Ellington once played a song about it. Holla!
Labels: computer incompetence, contrition, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, MTA, NYC
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