Thursday, February 12, 2009
This is why I always remember to take my pill on time
It's pretty safe to say that "octomommy" Nadya Suleman is the antithesis of me. This crazy bitch lives with her mom, is unemployed, has over 50 grand in debt, receives food stamps and collects disability benefits for three of her kids (although according to her, that doesn't count as welfare), and is a single mother with an addiction to the IVF clinic. Seriously, this bitch put fourteen fucking test tube babies on the California taxpayers' tab because she was lonely as a child or something. Being saddled with one brat I couldn't afford, much less FOURTEEN of them, and subsisting as a parasite of the state/online mendicant is not my idea of a great way to spend my life.
Apart from the fact that I hate children and being stuck at home with a small army of them rather than doing some type of interesting, meaningful job is an accurate description of my personal hell, there is another reason why I would never want to be start procreating aggressively.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Seriously, being eight months pregnant with octuplets is just as bad as I could imagine, if not worse. Homegirl looks like the main egg-laying bitch from the movie Aliens. I mean that shit is like some kind of Lovecraftian horror that will drive anyone who interacts with it completely batshit insane. And speaking of batshit insane, I'm going to have nightmares for weeks about those stretch marks alone. Pregnancy with one kid is bad enough on a bitch's figure, but after seeing what having EIGHT buns in the oven looks like, I'm ready to rip out my entire reproductive tract and sew up my vagina for good measure just on the off chance that something like this might happen to me. I could pretty much write off ever having sex again with anyone remotely attractive (at least not without getting them really, REALLY drunk and in a really dark room) if my body was ravaged like this. Nadya's not going to be ready for bikini season for a while...or hopefully ever. This is just not okay.
Labels: crazies, destroy all children, gross, oh the horror
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Once again, Cheese Sauce proves that his followers are the dumbest
I was reading the news today, and as usual it was all fucking bad. The economy is crumbling thanks to years and years of getting unapologetically sodomized by Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, who despite their friendly, folksy names sound like a couple of serious motherfucking bastards. I was just going to click over to the BBC to read about the collapse of the credit markets in Europe to add a little international flavor to my general feeling of dread and impending doom when I noticed a catchy title in a sidebar ad:
Wait...Time magazine's business writers have decided to blame GOD for the imminent Greater Depression about to swallow the entire civilized world? I can understand why people still solvent enough to enjoy luxuries like print magazines read The Economist these days instead of Time, because that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's not like God took a break from being omnipotent to moonlight as an unscrupulous broker at Countrywide. Rolling my eyes, I went to the article expecting to continue audibly scoffing at my laptop.
Instead of continuing to think about the author's stupidity, however, I was instead filled with annoyance and anger not at the author, but at those goddamned irritating evangelical Christians! Apparently, this bullshit is all their fault thanks to something called the "Prosperity gospel" that a bunch of them subscribe to. This is the notion that if you open your wallet to Christ so that your megachurch can buy a new IMAX screen for in-service laser shows praising Cheese-Sauce Crasst, you'll be rewarded by getting approved for a mortgage that you can't afford and will assuredly default on should the economy take a downturn–kind of like the precipitous faceplant it's doing now!
Granted, this policy isn't explicitly stated by most evangelical ministers. However, an expert interviewed for the article explained that this is spelled out in facile Jesus-flavored suggestions that even the most slow-witted Pentecostal Joe Sixpack can understand:
Granted, this policy isn't explicitly stated by most evangelical ministers. However, an expert interviewed for the article explained that this is spelled out in facile Jesus-flavored suggestions that even the most slow-witted Pentecostal Joe Sixpack can understand:
"The pastor's not gonna say, 'Go down to Wachovia and get a loan,' but I have heard, 'Even if you have a poor credit rating, God can still bless you — if you put some faith out there [that is, make a big donation to the church], you'll get that house or that car or that apartment.'"
The Catholic church was practicing the medieval equivalent of this back in the day, except instead of the faithful donating their cash for corrupt ministers to buy Mercedes to snort meth and bang underage boys in, the faithful donated their farthings for corrupt clergymen to maintain lavish residences for their mistresses and instead of being promised home ownership, they were promised a guaranteed spot in heaven. Eventually, even the feudal peasants (the Joe Sixpacks of their time) of the Middle Ages caught on that this was a bullshit scam, and hence Protestants exist at all. I'm just relieved that this time around the Catholics have nothing to do with all hell breaking loose. Luckily, we learned our lesson about the dangers of selling indulgences six centuries ago. Too bad these holy rolling heretics aren't up on their history, because if they had been maybe they wouldn't have tried to better their own financial situations via this Prosperity gospel bullshit and caused the global credit markets to fucking fail.
I am obviously a Christian being that I count myself among the O.G. Jesus worshipers. Since the most holy and apostolic JP Dos was running things over at the Holy See, I was encouraged that we'd finally gotten past doing globally destructive bullshit like starting centuries-long holy wars and torturing Jews, intellectuals, and anyone else who did things slightly differently. Unfortunately, it seems these evangelicals have picked up where we Catholics left off in the global shitshow department. All these evangelicals love to talk about how awesome the apocalypse is going to be, and how great it's going to be when Jesus returns. I wouldn't get too excited if I were them, because frankly, if I were Jesus, I'd be getting so sick of my followers perpetrating worldwide catastrophic disaster in my name that if I had to get off my ass and leave heaven because of it, I'd just wipe the troublesome losers off the map like John McCain wants to do with our nation's bad mortgages. So quit doing anything in Jesus's name except praying, because I don't want to get Armageddoned along with economically fucked thanks to the investment strategies of the fundamentalist devout.
Labels: assholes, capitalism, Catholicism, crazies, Dear God, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments
Monday, August 04, 2008
Daily Douchebag: pussy-fiending anonymous commenter CREEPS WHO THREATEN ME
Name: anonymous
DOB: ????
Occupation: creeping me the fuck out
Hometown: ???
Current residence: the IP address originated from Reston, Virginia, but that doesn't mean anything...it could be anywhere
Douchebaggery: I'm used to getting comments from people bitching about how I haven't posted pictures of my fucking cooze even though months ago I said that eventually I would get around to doing so. I think that, while I've got great tits, the rest of me is just okay-looking, so it's very flattering that some of my readers think I'm such a hot piece and would like to jerk it to the total package. However, while I do enjoy a nice ego-stroking, I also reserve the right to exercise a little discretion when it comes to disclosing visuals of my vagina, and that discretion has been built on some of the uncomfortable and sometimes downright creepy requests and demands to see said gash.
I realize I am VERY forward and honest about myself–both physically and with regard to my personal life–on this website, and that such requests come with the territory. I accept that, and I don't mind when readers remind me that they'd like to see the whole enchilada. However, whether or not I show myself full-frontal is my decision, and I've just never been completely comfortable with doing that the same way I show pictures of my breasts. I thought I was, but every time I go to post it, I realize that I'm just not okay with it. I know that this sounds uncharacteristically prudish coming from someone who probably has fifty pictures of her tits on the internets, but...well, there's a big difference between my tits and my twat. I know that I already have a picture of me fully naked on this site, but frankly, Kate and Camilla do a way better job taking full-body nudes with their professional photography equipment than I do with my webcam, and at the end of the day, I'm just not very comfortable having a twat shot on every archive page of this website. Even shameless sluts like myself have their limits, and I guess this is mine. Besides, as my photography skills have been criticized in the past for bad lighting, amateurish composition, and general lack of artistry, it's not like any self-portraits of my cooch are going to be that great anyway.
Sometimes the insistence of the demands for a gander at my cho-cha is so strong that it becomes disturbing to me. Again, I realize I promised this and I am fine when people remind me that I did so. I appreciate each and every reader I have, and I am flattered by the interest. However, it's a much different story when people assume that, in lieu of my publishing pictures of my pussy, I owe them something else. I've gotten a couple e-mails suggesting that if I don't want to show my pussy online, maybe I should go to so-and-so's apartment and show them personally, and then fuck them on top of that for my negligence. Usually I just don't respond, because guess what? I don't CARE if I promised halfheartedly on my website to show you the goods...you don't get to demand sex or a private show or anything else on account of my reserving the right to CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT MY OWN FUCKING GENITALIA AND PUBLIC DISPLAYS THEREOF. However, yesterday I was greatly unnerved when Friday's excuse/topless pic received a comment that went from annoying insistence to a straight-up threat (complete with shitty grammar):
Your a fucking liar, YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!
Months and months ago you promised to show us all you're pussy and there are alot of us who have come back waiting for this day. Instead you FLAGGRANTLY IGNORE when I remind you and just keep up with these halfassed tit pictures (and see comment above, this last one is like you did event ry!)
I for one am sick and tired of waiting and waiting for you to make good on your promise and show what you got going on down there. Your funny its true but how many people do you think really read this for the articals? Thats what my dad used to say about his Playboys but its not like he really read any of it.
If you know what's good for you you will hurry up and do like you said LIKE YOU PROMISED. Or else maybe someone will come to collect like it or not you liar ass bitch. Just kidding or am i...???????????
All of you who have been relating a paraphrased version of Levell "David Banner" Crump's mantra "since you're so hot, fuck it, show your pussy lips" can now thank this Anonymous for ensuring that this will never happen. I do not appreciate being threatened with someone coming to forcibly view my nether regions. I don't care if I promised, either. I DO have the right to change my mind about publicly exhibiting something as personal as my own goddamned vagina, and suggesting that I hurry up with that "if (I) know what's good for (me)" is not going to do anything besides guarantee that I will never do so again. If I were talking to a guy in a bar and made some joke about flashing him, then decided not to, and he forced me to expose myself, that would be FELONY FUCKING SEXUAL ASSAULT. Making threats about forcing me to do this over the internet is no different, and as I know from experience how quickly things can go from online comments to someone showing up at my doorstep to rape me, I don't take these things lightly. Future comments of this nature will merit a police report, and whoever wrote this should be aware that doing this over the internets is a federal crime.
Furthermore, I'd like to know what kind of degenerate comes here to not read "the articals." It's not like I'm trying to emulate Playboy. Most of what I post are "articals," not jerk-off pictures. This website is admittedly dedicated to "useless bullshit," NOT nude self-portraits, and if you would rather see naked chicks than "halfassed tit pictures," how about you go to a site dedicated to peddling smut? There are approximately 8 million of these out there, and most of them feature chicks who are way hotter than me and make a living showing off their uncensored pussies. Seriously, I strongly suggest that whoever wrote this consider whether they wish to have the FBI show up at their door (and probably meet with the fury of all the angry pussy-fiending freakaholic Razzyphiles whose chances at viewing my poon have just been shattered for all eternity), or just move on to a different site where there are plenty of bitches showing off what they've "got going on down there." If it's a cunt you want, then read any of my "Daily Douchebag" entries. If it's a literal picture of one you want, go somewhere else, because thanks to Anonymous, that isn't happening in the near future, if ever.
Thus, my apologies for breaking a "promise." I usually pride myself on being a bitch of my word, but when my vacillating over something as personal as showing off my cooch gets this kind of reaction out of someone, my own feeling of comfort and safety has to take precedence. I hope all the other pussy-fiending Razzyphiles will continue to read and enjoy what I have to offer beyond images of my naughty parts. I work hard to keep the non-NSFW parts of this website as entertaining as useless bullshit can be, and I hope that you will continue to appreciate that in spite of my rescinding my offer of crotch cam shots. I promise now to make up for it by continuing to write useless bullshit to the best of my ability, and I sincerely thank those of you who will stick around for your understanding.
Labels: crazies, Daily Douchebag, retard rage, scathing indictments, sexual assault
Thursday, June 26, 2008
THE most embarrassing thing that I've ever done
Yesterday, I had one of the most upsetting instant message conversations of all time. To make a long and completely unnecessary story very short, I got a "no thanks, I'm not interested in you" in the form of talk about how my public discussion of my abortion makes this dude think I'm a totally unattractive and unlovable freak, and an itemized list of obvious problems with myself that this dude wanted no part of. Basically, it was the cruelest, most humiliating way of hearing "let's just be friends" of all time, and I was in a tremendously bad state afterwards. Don't get me wrong, I've certainly been in the position where a dude just wasn't feeling me, and sure, that makes you feel bad for about a week. Your ego is wounded and that sucks, but you get over it much sooner than later, and big fucking deal. It happens, and (especially when you're a narcissist like me) you get over it. However, I've never received a comprehensive summary of the human flaws I am most sensitive about as a means of saying "I'm just not feeling a re-do of the date we had almost a year ago." All I could do while discussing this–over IM–was try to save face and seem like I was merely embarrassed rather than profoundly hurt that this person actually thought that by telling me all about EVERYTHING that is wrong with me (to the point of quoting comments on this very blog saying that I'm too much of a slut to ever find a man who isn't a freak and then adding that such commenters "have my back") would be a kindness.
While this was actually pretty awful, I naturally acted like it was no big deal, and then called my friends in tears. The reason I talk about my abortion the way I do is because it is so unbelievably painful and difficult for me to deal with that the only way I know how to cope with it is to minimize its destructive power by making flippant jokes. Horrible things lose some of their sting when you can make fun of them. Being incredibly hurt by hearing that my sole coping mechanism for dealing with the worst thing that I've ever done is at the top of the list of reasons why I'm an undesirable freak is at least something that my friends can make fun of and thus help me deal with.
A couple of my friends came to my apartment to drink beers with me and discuss how awesome I am and how, while bringing up the fact that I talk about my abortion as a negative I somehow needed to hear about might be one of the coldest things they've ever heard of, we've all put ourselves out there and gotten burned BAD. Sometimes, this burning is in the stupidest, most humiliating, most vulnerability-exploiting way, and what can you do besides try to laugh about that? Everyone was talking about the most embarrassing thing they've ever done in these situations, and who had the most predictable bullshit embarrassing bad dating moves ever? Go figure...that was strictly in the realm of lesbian stories.
Twathopper said something like, "At least you actually slept with this fuck once. And at least you didn't go give some bitch who wouldn't even fuck you their inaugural article in Runner's World framed as a gift!"
While that IS pretty lame, in fairness, Twathopper was putting up with six months of extreme mindfuckery, and she was new to the clam bake. Novice lesbians always do stupid shit like that, and I know from experience. This actually made Twathopper seem sane and normal, because memories of my incredibly annoying high school poetry-writing lesbian phase flooded in, and I was like, "I think I've actually done something even more embarrassing than that. Holy shit, I think I actually have some poetry."
I have a box of crap from yesteryear containing a bunch of random photographs and letters and that kind of thing. One of these random items was a poem I wrote on September 13, 1994 per the date stamp. "I think that myself at age 14 almost 15 was even worse," I said. It's true; I was the most RIDICULOUSLY UNCOOL, TOTALLY INSANE teenage lesbian at a Jesuit high school ever. There is nothing that will drive a highly cognitive, sexually confused pubescent girl nuts like a hefty dose of Catholic guilt and hormone-clouded thoughts of unrequited love. Poetry writing was the least of my problems. I actually did some light stalking, long letter-writing, and truck-egging (and how crazy teenage lesbian is that?) after my ex-girlfriend dumped me for this other girl in our class because she was the sole BDOC (big dyke on campus) in our high school and she basically could. Trust that I realized fifteen years ago how batshit crazy that sort of behavior is over someone not worth that much effort.
Anyway, I realized that even hearing that someone is not attracted to me because of how I've dealt with my most traumatic experience ever is nothing in terms of embarrassment when it comes to how I dealt with my high school lezzie drama. The poem I wrote is absolute proof, and it was actually educational, as I realized when I wrote this, I was still 14 and had obviously grown enamored with fucking my girlfriend. I swear it was when I was fifteen, and I remember the exact date (July 26, 1995) that I lost my virginity to a dude, but apparently I was hitting pussy when I was just 14 according to the date on the poem (*and OOPS, I was born November 17, 1978, so I was totally 15 when this was written...I just obviously suck hard at math, but I'm leaving it). That would be a lot more sexually precocious in an awesome way if it weren't for the UNBELIEVABLY LAME POETRY I WROTE! I couldn't even read this whole thing to my friends because I was so ashamed of it, and I'm certainly not printing the entire thing here now. I am probably more ashamed of this than ANYTHING I've ever done, and strictly because it's the most cloying, awful, totally pathetic teenage lesbian thing I've ever read. Here are some of the excerpts I can actually tolerate releasing to the internets-reading public, and...well, just uff da. UFF DA!
The window is cracked to our naked skin
And we would be cold but for the
Heat of the other woman's flesh.
The blankets, smell of old cigarettes, the keys
Why she loves me.
I mean, SERIOUSLY?!?! I WROTE THIS?!?!?! If I didn't know how incredibly psychotic and overwhelmingly lame I was as an insane faux-suicidal lesbian teenager, I wouldn't believe it myself. And it gets worse.
The act of marriage, sacred and unholy still
With another woman it is just dirt
White dirt and I know God is getting off
On it, that love I feel when her
Skin is plastered to mine with the
Exertion of what she gives for me
I may have had some sick Catholic issues and been in the midst of a sexuality crisis, but on the bright side, at least I was having apparently extremely hot lesbian sex (and by that, I mean mostly boobmashing with a sprinkle of clumsy fingerbanging and labia kissing). "Skin plastered to mine" and "Exertion of what she gives for me"? That sounds to me like some seriously sexy girl-on-girl, but this was obviously spoken by someone who was having sex for the first time. Now that I've had a considerable amount of experience on top of that, I recall that this bitch had no tits, and was constantly complaining that I wasn't hitting the right spot. Give me a break, I didn't even discover my own G-spot until I started fucking boys, and that was totally by accident. At least she apparently got the job done for me. ANYWAY! Back to the horrendous poetry. It really does make me feel better to take the worst times of my life and rag on them hard. How can I really take stuff like this seriously? I certainly cannot take it with the life-or-death gravity as I did when I wrote it.
And masked bitter envy in a cloak of
False and prefabricated guilt.
This is the tree of life up here
Hidden in the outdated closets and faded curtains
Swept back so we can gaze together
Out of the bright picture window and
Watch the light play pretty shapes on
Flattened stomachs, bare golden backs
Red-spotted breasts and long yellow hair.
God, she's so pretty.
Okay, now I am sufficiently embarrassed by this TOTAL doggerel (and yes, I know this particular poem doesn't rhyme and thus technically doesn't qualify as "doggerel," but I can't think of a better word that means "shitty fucking poetry") that I can't continue with the excerpts. This is truly the most horrifyingly shameful thing I've ever committed to paper, and while I'm mortified that I brought this into the world at all, I'm glad that I did for personal self-esteem reasons. From now on, every time I make some incredibly dumbass girl move and get emotionally bitch-slapped for it, I can just pick my original copy of "Forbidden" out of my "old shit" box and remind myself how much crazier I was fifteen years ago, and how I'm SO much better than all of that now. Lord knows my sex life with the ladies these days is a hell of a lot more Strap it On 5 than "God, she's so pretty," and there's certainly nothing I can do or say to any of my sexual partners that's crazier or more horribly shameful than what I wrote in 1994.
In the midst of an extremely hearty laugh, JerseyGirl was like, "Razzy, that poem really is cereally one of the most straight-up renarded things I've ever heard." Truly. And when things like this come up, where I am faced with the consequences of writing extremely personal, touchy things on the internets and having somebody misinterpret the kind of human being I am at my deep expense as a result, I can always rely on the fact that no matter what I do as an adult trying to deal with the complicated issues of life the best way I can, I'm never going to be as "cereally renarded" as I was when I was 14. And actually, that is greatly comforting. It's a huge relief to know that the lamest thing I've ever done has nothing to do with heavy shit like how I deal with my abortion and how other people respond to it. For the first time ever...thank you, inner poetry-writing retarded-ass lesbian. Thank you so fucking much.
Labels: crazies, for serious people, JerseyGirl, lezbollah, oh the horror, Razzification, Twathopper
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Live offensively a little
I was bored and engaging in a hobby of mine: perusing crazy Christian websites and amusing myself by making fun of them. I found myself back at an old favorite: Live Offensively, the site belonging to a "for-profit ministry" that makes shirts for kids that say "Porn is for Posers" and "Abortion is Mean" so that they can be the biggest assholes about loving Jesus as humanly possible.
I found myself on their "War Room" page reading inspirational stories from their "Ground Troops." Most of the stories are positively frightening personal accounts of how these future abortion clinic bombers alienate themselves from their peers with their radical, extremely judgmental practice of Christianity. Take, for example, Allison Havemann's "war stories":
I didn't want to miss out on any of the fun, so I went ahead and left my own posting. Okay, so maybe I stretched the truth a little in that I didn't actually get a "Porno is for Posers" shirt for Christmas, and I don't go to a public school, and I actually think porno is for winners, and I'm not a teenager, but whatever. It was fun crafting this thrilling little yarn about being a psycho Christian hatemonger in training, as well as uploading that vintage 1996 picture of me in full baby dyke regalia!
I found myself on their "War Room" page reading inspirational stories from their "Ground Troops." Most of the stories are positively frightening personal accounts of how these future abortion clinic bombers alienate themselves from their peers with their radical, extremely judgmental practice of Christianity. Take, for example, Allison Havemann's "war stories":
I live on an all girls "Catholic campus". I put these words in quotation marks because Catholics are Christians and therefore should be living up to the standards that Christ has set before the church - but they aren't - at least at my school. I chose to go to this school in hopes of avoiding the perversions that run rampant at many colleges throughout the US thinking that an all girls school would be the way to go and I could focus on my studies and not be exposed to anything that might hinder my grades or my future marriage to my fiance. Well, thank GOD that I am protected by Jesus Christ! My dorm (and this is true for all other dorm buildings from what I have been told) is FULL OF SIN! While our school has a rule that male visitors have to be out by midnight, our school has no rule against female visitors. Our school has a VERY high lesbian population and does NOTHING to stop it because, really, what can they do? It's an all girls school! In my building, yelling, running up and down the halls and excess noise is the least of my concerns - I open my door (I have a private room) to the main hall way and what do I see?...girls kissing each other, half naked, drinking beer, and acting in ways Ive personally never seen before other than raunchy comercials for horrid videos. I complained to my RA and got basically a "sorry, what can I do about it?" response - so I decided to do something about it! I am known as the "Jesus Freak" on campus, so why not live up to that title? Now, my room is the first dorm on the first floor - so all the "action" takes place RIGHT outside my door on a nightly basis. SO....I asked God what He wanted me to do...and this is what I did with His guidance...I wrote down the plan for salvation, scriptures to save people, and quotes about what is sinful in the eyes of the Lord (fornication, homosexuality, being drunk, etc) and posted these scriptures (which I made colorful and BIG) ALL over my dorm room door. I figured - if they are going to sin outside my door, they are going to see God's response to it! I've annoyed some people by this, and my RA even said to take it down that it is offending people - well what do you think is offending me! The sin of these "women" in my dorm which no one will do anything about. I REFUSE to take down my scripture and I KNOW my rights as well. I have also been sliding tracts from Way of the Master under doors in my building and have made known my stance and place with the Lord Jesus. I REFUSE to let sin reign!God, what a party pooper. I'd be thanking Jesus if I opened my door to see a bunch of half-naked girls drinking beer and making out, not praying for him to bring judgment. No wonder everyone hates Allison. I'd be annoyed if I was trying to experiment with my sexuality and I kept being interrupted by big, colorful tracts on "The Way of the Master" being slid under my door. What a nosy bitch. And a stupid one, if she thought that going to a Catholic school would mean no oral sex and constant sobriety. Booze and head are the cornerstones of a Catholic education.
Since posting the scriptures and plan for salvation, the offensive activities have lessened although I am well aware that I am not liked by these girls...but who cares! I AM LOVED BY CHRIST!
Please pray for these girls in my building...its really disgusting what they are doing and I feel very sorry for them and pray for them constantly.
REFUSE TO LET SIN REIGN!
In His Service!
Allison
I didn't want to miss out on any of the fun, so I went ahead and left my own posting. Okay, so maybe I stretched the truth a little in that I didn't actually get a "Porno is for Posers" shirt for Christmas, and I don't go to a public school, and I actually think porno is for winners, and I'm not a teenager, but whatever. It was fun crafting this thrilling little yarn about being a psycho Christian hatemonger in training, as well as uploading that vintage 1996 picture of me in full baby dyke regalia!
Hai guys!I wonder if the people at Live Offensively will ever figure out that I'm actually a drunken, porn-watching, fornicating, snatch-licking, cocksucking, abortion-supporting, morally bereft bisexual slut in the evolution business (sort of) who hasn't received the sacrament of reconciliation from her local idol-worshipping priest in almost two decades. Probably not, because they're too busy trying to disprove Darwin, kill family planning clinic employees, inform fags about God's hatred, condemn everyone who disagrees with them, and generally strive to be as insufferably obnoxious and detestable as possible. But if they do, I hope they send me funny e-mail! And pray for me. Or prey for me. Whichevs.
I got one of the "Porno is for Posers" shirts for X-mas and proud to say that I made quite a statemint at school with it LOL! At first the other kids called me names like "Jesus freak" and stuff (and they always call me this because I don't keep quiet about pointing out which of them are homosexuals and fornicators and drug user s and sinners so they can repent before the Lord punishes them for their sins) but before you know it everyone was paying attention to it and talking about it and I could tell the Lord was at work!!!!!!!! :-)
Then I couldn't believe when I got sent to the principle's office and told my shirt was against the dress code cuz it is about porno. I said it was against porno and refused to take it off and started praying right then and there and I go to public school so this didnt go over to well! Then the principle called my mom to come get me and she told the principle we are gonna go right home and pray that Jesus forgives HIM for all his sin! My mom says shes gonna get me the abortion is mean shirt because that's not against the dress code.
I can't wait to get my abortion shirt and I'm gonna get one of the evolution shirts for when I have sicience class because I am not scared to stand up for Jesus Christ the LORD at my school, not shamed to show that I love God and I hate sin, I know the principle and the other kids will catch on before God punishes them for their sins! Please prey for me as I try to LIVE OFFENSIVELY!
Christ's love 4EVA!!!!!
Angie
Labels: assholes, crazies, Dear God, intentional buffoonery
Friday, January 04, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Britney Spears AGAIN
DOB: December 2, 1981
Occupation: special needs
Hometown: Kentwood, Louisiana
Current residence: psychiatric ward, Cedars-Sinai Hospital, Los Angeles, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: BECAUSE IT FINALLY HAS HAPPENED! Britney really went crazy. Not just shave her head crazy. Not just fuck a paparazzo crazy. Not just five Frappuccinos a day crazy. Not bare feet in a gas station bathroom crazy, bad wig crazy, or buy a new puppy mill dog crazy. She went full-on insane, refused to return her kids to K-Fed, locked her court-appointed monitor out of the house, locked herself in a room with Jayden James, and was finally hauled away to the "special needs" ward of the hospital in an ambulance. She's being kept in the hospital for 72 hours, and then is going to be booked on as-yet-undisclosed charges. I predict kidnapping and possession/use of methamphetamine.
I honestly don't really know why I'm so infatuated with Britney's drama, but I never get tired of her lunatic antics. In anyone else's case, this sort of thing would be sad, but with Britney it's more riveting than "who shot J.R.?" circa 1984. She obviously went nuts when she saw that K-Fed spent New Year's Eve partying with Paris Hilton at some club in Vegas at what must have been the douchiest party in North America, and went straight for the crystal to calm herself down. Or a fresh bottle of Jenkem. Either that or she was pissed that Jamie-Lynn's teen pregnancy has been stealing all her tabloid thunder as of late and she knew she really had to take the crazy up a few notches to get the spotlight squarely back on her.
In any event, I continue to love the legendary Ms. Britney Spears. She entertains me now even more than she ever did as a musician/pop star, and I must confess that then she entertained me a LOT. If this is how she's starting out the New Year, 2008 is shaping up to be a great one. So now, bring on the mugshot and the charges! It's Britney's year, bitch!
Labels: Britney Spears, celebrities, crazies, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, drugs, Kevin Federline
Sunday, December 30, 2007
There's a fine line between Razzyphilia and Razzy Hatred
A while ago, I got an email from some Razzyphile expressing his love and gratitude for yours truly. Okay, it was more like crazy rambling about Tookie Williams and how this guy's fake persona got kicked off Yahoo chat, but I think it was fan mail. At least, "I like your site" was one of the few coherent sentiments expressed in it.
My exclamations of "sha right" became more emphatic as I read his "refreshing ultra right wing opinion" on a variety of news stories. First, he goes off on Muslim women, specifically noting "I just don't care what muslim men do to muslim women. I think they're all dirty little animals and it just doesn't much matter to me what in the hell they do to one another and it seriously bothers me that white americans care."
It seriously bothers ME that you think I would ever link to a site containing sentiments like that. Next, Jaimie decides to express his sentiments on who is responsible for prostitution in whatever part of buttfuck upstate NY he lives in.
Because OF COURSE the hick cops managed to bust only johns of color. Whatever, Jaimie. Anyway, back to Jaimie's favorite subject: making idiotic racial slurs! This time, he hates on the Asians.
Ah, right. "Liberals" are offended by anything that is not an interracial relationship. I guess that explains why I can generally be found doing the nasty with blacks, Latinos, and Jews and NOT "staying with my own kind." Oh, right...I've fucked lots of white guys too. My sexual partners are like Skittles: I taste the rainbow, baby! High five to me!
Anyway, now James decides to demonstrate what a classy guy he is when he wishes he could have gone to a "liberal public school" in order to be molested by a hot teacher who doesn't teach kids how to hate Muslims properly.
And as long we're on the subject of kids complaining about being molested...time for some commentary on pedophile priests, and how their victims are all a bunch of liars!
Wait, you hated the priests but they are the finest people you've ever met? Do the clergy at St. Paul's and Catholic Central hate Muslims too? As always, I'm confused by Jaimie's "object hypocrisy." Anyway, back to hating Islam!
God, no wonder this guy has the cops coming to his house. He can't even walk his dogs without being a total fucking asshole.
Rather than start a pointless war with him, I sent him an e-mail saying that his dog was "kick ass" (the dog is cute, and it's not Jack's fault his owner is a dipshit), but that I strongly disagreed with his political views. I hoped that a succinct e-mail would discourage him from continuing his correspondence with me, and pestering me for a shout-out on my site. Although I am not always the nicest person, people who read my site know that I don't consider racism to be funny or to fall under the heading of "useless bullshit" that people might actually want to read. I would not even link to--and thereby endorse--a site containing nothing but post after post of moronic, knuckle-dragging idiocy, no matter how many times I was complimented or how many pictures of cute dogs I received. If I want to see cute dogs, I can look at the two canines snoring on my bed or couch and skip the paranoid bloviating about Muslims and minorities and liberals and their culpability for all the world's problems.
Unfortunately, this did not discourage Jaimie from writing back. In fact, he decided that he would more directly ask for a shoutout to his site, as well as offer his computer help.
I can't believe that, to top off the meritless rant about "Persons of Color" he just treated me to, he implies that my intelligence is suspect if I don't agree with him and reiterates that he is a "Doctor." Fuck that. Not only am I intelligent enough to question how a man whose MySpace profile lists his highest educational achievement as his high school diploma obtained a doctorate (most likely he bought it online), I'm intelligent enough to realize that when he says his website was "inspired by" mine, he actually meant FLAGRANTLY PLAGIARIZED:
I can't believe this asshole actually had the audacity to beg me for a link when he practically copied what I wrote word-for-word (tweaking it only to dumb it down). Mercifully, Dr. Jaimie didn't follow my lead and put up a picture of himself and his fat wife trying to look sexy, because...yikes. Newsflash: nobody wants to hear about "hot sex" between a pair of racist terrestrial whales. I mean, I'm sure someone out there wants to hear about how Jaimie has to lift his trashy-ass wife's prodigious gunt in order to access her rank, cheesy snatch, or how sexy it is when she peels off his metallic hammer pants and deep-throats all three inches of his chapstick, but it's not me.
I think that even my detractors can agree they'd WAY rather see my pasty ass in a lab coat than see Jaimie and his corpulent wife Lisa do their best "Welcome to our trailer/meth lab, y'all!" routine. Even if they put on normal clothes (hint: vertical stripes make you look thinner), gave Dr. McBride the haircut he so DESPERATELY needs, and touched up Lisa's Ogilvy home perm, I can't imagine that anyone except a true glutton for punishment would want to gaze upon these two for longer than a mere glance. Looking at them for as long as it has taken to write this post has me practically choking on phantom anhydrous ammonia fumes.
Not surprisingly, Jaimie's website has mysteriously vanished from the internets upon my informing him that he should brace his flabby, impotent ass for ignonimy. A word to the unwise: pester me with e-mails expecting me to see the light and agree with your fucking appalling, abysmally stupid, poorly articulated, Aryan Nation-inspired racist rants, and this is what you get. Enjoy being owned by me, douchebag.
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)I wasn't entirely sure why Jaimie was so proud of "the powers that be" shutting his "completely interactive and highly controversial" site down for pointing out the "object hypocrisy" of hippies or black people or whatever, and I really had no idea how this related to Razzy's Rejects. In my view, there is a big difference between busting on an individual person for being an asshole, and busting on an entire demographic group because a couple of their numbers were assholes. I suppose Dr. James E. McBride felt that I might applaud him for going to such lengths to fuck with whatever dipshits spend their time in Yahoo political chat rooms. I think I probably responded with a terse "thanks", if at all. However, Jaimie was not done reaching out to me. In fact, he was just getting warmed up begging for my attention.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: i like your site
As the powers that be recently suggested I shut my sites down I'm going through a withdrawal kind of thing and took to randomly surfing the net like the other swine. My site was very cool, completely interactive and highly controversial. Mostly I trolled idiocy that is Yahoo Political Chat and promoted my site, just to bust balls. The fast majority of the braying asses on yahoo chat are left wing conspiracy kooks who love The Diversified (LOL(I know you're one of them)) frequently refer to Islam is The Religion of Peace. I was merciless. You know as well as I do how gullible the nitwits in zombieland are.
For all their constant whining and crying and, of course, their object hypocrisy I felt duty bound to give them what they've been asking for all these years... or at least what they deserve. And so like your section fucking with the trolls who hit on you I did much the same thing except my beefs were more politically motivated. Like the fat kid on South Park, I hate hippies. I hate all their anti war bullshit, I have their smugness, I hate the ground they walk on.
But what to do? They're always bitching and whining about our country, the cops, every fucking thing. Like that mass shooting at VT, they whined that the cops weren't aggressive enough yet that drunk cunt at some fucking airport who died in police custody was Police Brutality. The liberals were over joyed when Timothy McVeigh got smoked (as was I) yet when they killed Tookie Williams, it was racist. I think that was when I snapped. Fuck Tookie Williams, you know?
Comes now http://profiles.yahoo.com/wolfgang_hoenicher . Wolfie, as they came to call him (me, duh) was everything they hated in this world. I was an Arch Conservative, seriously, heavily racist White Christian Male, who sometimes dabbled in fagdom (to ward off any chance of boredom coming on. Wolfgang was married to a Serbian refugee named Dragana Strajnic, who sometimes went on line and told tales of torturing muslim children to get information from their parents.
They believed every thing I told them. Everything. I told them I owned two adult bookstores upstate and made a fortune off the closet queens using the loops. I told them I owned three rooming houses in Syracuse having made a deal with NYS Parole rented exclusively to level 2 and 3 sex offenders for $250 a week per offender. They thought my wife's life in girlfriend (dare I wish) was named Lana Damarkov who was from Kiev. Lana got me a job doing the books for the organizatsiya for which they rewarded me with a co-op on Brighton Beach Avenue. I've never been to Brooklyn and my wife was born and raised in upstate NY.
I suppose I'm writing because I like your site and I especially like the meanness of your work. Our sites are much, much different because I attacked whole segments of society while you attack individuals. Alas my sites are gone now and it looks like i'm going to have to lay low for a while, perhaps quite a while.
In any case i have to walk my dog, a beautiful fawn american pitbull, and that's about it. I like your site.
Dr James E McBride
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)I went to this site, but oddly the link didn't take me to his site proper. Somehow I ended up at his Topix profile, and immediately scoffed audibly at the prospect of posting anything about his dog or linking to his site as he was heavy-handedly hinting he'd like me to do.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: RE: my kick as dog!
here's a kick ass dog!!! i'd freak if you put him on your site. His name is Jack, he's mostly american pitbull with a tiny pit of ridgeback. he'll be a year old on Christmas Day.
http://jaimieandlisa.strangled.net
this is my site which in many ways was inspired by your site. it's really new and i'm just starting to fill it up with useless shit.
My exclamations of "sha right" became more emphatic as I read his "refreshing ultra right wing opinion" on a variety of news stories. First, he goes off on Muslim women, specifically noting "I just don't care what muslim men do to muslim women. I think they're all dirty little animals and it just doesn't much matter to me what in the hell they do to one another and it seriously bothers me that white americans care."
It seriously bothers ME that you think I would ever link to a site containing sentiments like that. Next, Jaimie decides to express his sentiments on who is responsible for prostitution in whatever part of buttfuck upstate NY he lives in.
Because OF COURSE the hick cops managed to bust only johns of color. Whatever, Jaimie. Anyway, back to Jaimie's favorite subject: making idiotic racial slurs! This time, he hates on the Asians.
Ah, right. "Liberals" are offended by anything that is not an interracial relationship. I guess that explains why I can generally be found doing the nasty with blacks, Latinos, and Jews and NOT "staying with my own kind." Oh, right...I've fucked lots of white guys too. My sexual partners are like Skittles: I taste the rainbow, baby! High five to me!
Anyway, now James decides to demonstrate what a classy guy he is when he wishes he could have gone to a "liberal public school" in order to be molested by a hot teacher who doesn't teach kids how to hate Muslims properly.
And as long we're on the subject of kids complaining about being molested...time for some commentary on pedophile priests, and how their victims are all a bunch of liars!
Wait, you hated the priests but they are the finest people you've ever met? Do the clergy at St. Paul's and Catholic Central hate Muslims too? As always, I'm confused by Jaimie's "object hypocrisy." Anyway, back to hating Islam!
God, no wonder this guy has the cops coming to his house. He can't even walk his dogs without being a total fucking asshole.
Rather than start a pointless war with him, I sent him an e-mail saying that his dog was "kick ass" (the dog is cute, and it's not Jack's fault his owner is a dipshit), but that I strongly disagreed with his political views. I hoped that a succinct e-mail would discourage him from continuing his correspondence with me, and pestering me for a shout-out on my site. Although I am not always the nicest person, people who read my site know that I don't consider racism to be funny or to fall under the heading of "useless bullshit" that people might actually want to read. I would not even link to--and thereby endorse--a site containing nothing but post after post of moronic, knuckle-dragging idiocy, no matter how many times I was complimented or how many pictures of cute dogs I received. If I want to see cute dogs, I can look at the two canines snoring on my bed or couch and skip the paranoid bloviating about Muslims and minorities and liberals and their culpability for all the world's problems.
Unfortunately, this did not discourage Jaimie from writing back. In fact, he decided that he would more directly ask for a shoutout to his site, as well as offer his computer help.
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)Jack is kick ass enough for my site, but sadly, affiliation with dickless, mouth-breathing trash is not. I was relieved I hadn't actually stumbled upon the many political essays he's supposedly posted on the net (likely on account of my not keeping up with various Aryan Nation websites), because those few blurbs on his Topix page were more than enough. I elected not to respond, and hoped that Jaimie would keep busy decorating his double-wide with swastikas and unprovokedly harassing local chicken restaurant owners by ordering pork chops in a clearly halal establishment. I figured that, much like when I'm trying to dodge some overbearing honey who felt that a night of unremarkable jackhammering was tantamount to the beginning of a beautiful relationship, silence is more effective than dialogue. Unfortunately, Jaimie was not going to be so easily deterred.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: RE: my kick as dog!
thanks for calling jack kick ass!!!! as for my political views? did you Google us or something because although I have a great many political essays on the web there's only three on this particular site. I'm planning on doing a piece on Keith Olbermann who I absolutely despise.
I agree we are probably at very different ends of the political spectrum but i really do like the mean spiritedness of your website. Let me ask you something: are you hosting your own server? Which is to say is your site on a commerical server ie some kind of site hosting thing or are you running your own server?
I'm running my own. I have an ibm xseries server and roadrunner t-1 services. the site you apparently viewed (i could check the apache logs but why bother?) is written in php/sql/flash and a little bit of javascript.
If you want any banners or any kind of easy shit let me know and i'll do it for a mere mention in your site, which i think is awesome. My site is lacking in content at this time because the last one got shut down--cops at the house any everything!!!
The the mutts on yahoo chat believed this persona i created over the years and they turned me in. Oh well, i hope you write back because--for some reason--i like you and the site is cool. Is Jack Kick ass enough for your site?
Jaimie
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)Are you kidding me? You want me to bust on victims of molestation? Clearly, Dr. McBride is not going to leave me alone so long as he thinks I'm at least tolerant of his fucked-up, paranoid, certifiably insane beliefs.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: another catholic schooler
Raz:
I know you think i'm a right wing war monging racist but i have a question.
i note you went to a catholic grammar school. I went all though catholic
school. So did my parents and my kids. I don't have any first hand
information of anyone who ever got molested by a priest. Do You? I think
these mutts with their oh so sad tales are ruining the lives of fine, fine
men because The Church has deep pockets and no balls. What say you razzy?
dr james e mcbride
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)Jaimie wrote me back the same day. Rather than get the message that he should just fuck promptly off, he decided to reiterate his hatred for minorities via his old standbys: Tookie Williams and Mumia Abu Jamal. Apparently, "my type" can't see what is obvious to him: blame it on the people of color!
To: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)
Subject: RE: another catholic schooler
Listen, Jaimie, I am glad you like my site, but you are right when saying that I do think
you are a racist. I know you have said that this is part of some persona you have
created to ostensibly amuse people, but I don't think there is anything funny about it. I dislike your pervasive use of the term "mutts" (as well as "sandniggers", "gooks", etc.) and I have a hard time believing that behind your internet views, you are anything other than the type of person whose ignorant and backwards views I have grown up despising.
For that reason, I am afraid I cannot link to your site, as, although my site can be
mean-spirited, I don't want people associating my brand of useless bullshit with useless hatemongering. You may consider your views "right wing," but all the ultra conservative people I know would undoubtedly take exception to your placing that label on views that amount to neo-Nazism. To me, your views are abhorrent, and I do not wish to associate myself with them in any way, even peripherally.
And for the record, I don't know anyone who was molested by a priest, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Most priests are fine, admirable people, but I have no doubt that some of them are pedophile creeps, just as there are some doctors, missionaries, lawyers, judges, teachers, rabbis, politicians, etc. who are pedophile creeps. Sort of like how there are some Muslims who are terrorists, but the majority of them are fine, admirable people and not deserving of the vitriol you reserve for them as a large group. Take Timothy McVeigh, a white American who also turned out to be a terrorist that despicably killed hundreds of innocent people.
Those are my thoughts, "Doctor."
Razzy
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)Well, that does it. I can't sit idly by while this witless loser attempts to pathetically engage me in what his dumb ass probably considers an intellectual debate and what I consider an exercise in futility. This asshole will never get the point that virtually every racial, cultural, or religious demographic has its share of detestable pricks, but most human beings are decent and don't deserve to be judged by the acts of a few bad apples. I also find that arguing with monumentally stupid people is tiring, and arguing with monumentally stupid people who think they are smart (to the point of calling oneself "Doctor" to enhance his faux academic mystique) is nothing less than a waste of my valuable time.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: RE: another catholic schooler
it's not at all remarkable that you'd mention McVeigh. your type always does. You are aware that we executed McVeigh i assume and there wasn't a whole lot of FREE MCVEIGH when we, as a society, gave him the gas. Remember when we executed Tookie Williams? Every liberal in the country was whining, exactly as they're whining now about that other murderous hump Mumia Abu Jamal. I wonder why that is, eh? Do you think it's because they're Persons of Color?
Look at the illegal immigration deal. Remember in May when all the illegals marched and whined and cried and told their sad tales to Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson? Did you by chance notice there weren't a whole lot of white faces in those crowds? My wife has a whole lot of relatives in Brighton Beach. I have a lot of relatives in Winter Hill and Southie. Something tells me that not all the people in those neighborhoods have their paperwork in order either yet you didn't see them not going to work and waving Irish and Russian flags now do you?
Nope. It's always Persons of Color who make all the noise and do all the whining. You're an intelligent woman and you have to realize that i'm right and i am, after all a doctor....
Dr James E McBride
I can't believe that, to top off the meritless rant about "Persons of Color" he just treated me to, he implies that my intelligence is suspect if I don't agree with him and reiterates that he is a "Doctor." Fuck that. Not only am I intelligent enough to question how a man whose MySpace profile lists his highest educational achievement as his high school diploma obtained a doctorate (most likely he bought it online), I'm intelligent enough to realize that when he says his website was "inspired by" mine, he actually meant FLAGRANTLY PLAGIARIZED:
I can't believe this asshole actually had the audacity to beg me for a link when he practically copied what I wrote word-for-word (tweaking it only to dumb it down). Mercifully, Dr. Jaimie didn't follow my lead and put up a picture of himself and his fat wife trying to look sexy, because...yikes. Newsflash: nobody wants to hear about "hot sex" between a pair of racist terrestrial whales. I mean, I'm sure someone out there wants to hear about how Jaimie has to lift his trashy-ass wife's prodigious gunt in order to access her rank, cheesy snatch, or how sexy it is when she peels off his metallic hammer pants and deep-throats all three inches of his chapstick, but it's not me.
Not surprisingly, Jaimie's website has mysteriously vanished from the internets upon my informing him that he should brace his flabby, impotent ass for ignonimy. A word to the unwise: pester me with e-mails expecting me to see the light and agree with your fucking appalling, abysmally stupid, poorly articulated, Aryan Nation-inspired racist rants, and this is what you get. Enjoy being owned by me, douchebag.
Labels: comeuppance, correspondence, crazies, ranting, Razzy Haters, Razzyphiles, retard rage, scathing indictments, small penises, terror, you're ugly
Friday, November 30, 2007
The wit and wisdom of Lil' Wayne
A site that LL Cool Jew got me reading, Bossip.com, has some choice quotes from Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter's interview with Complex magazine. The cover of the magazine itself has a choice quote ("I'm a Martian, and if you understand me, then you're Jesus") that seems to answer the question asked by the cover: Is Lil' Wayne crazy?
The answer would seem to be yes, especially when reading some of the other sound bites Weezy Fuckin' Baby spouts in the article. For starters, his conversations with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. about how to handle beef personally:
Then again, has Lil' Wayne actually killed anyone? I don't know anyone he has issues with besides the dudes who defected from Cash Money ages ago, and last time anyone checked, Terius "Juvenile" Gray was still eating fish and shrimp po' boys while checking out the finest corpulent asses strolling by on St. James. Who is that teardrop for if not the enemy that Martin Luther King condones him offing?
Also, I know Dr. King also didn't make any mention of how being arrested multiple times for possession of weed and/or enough vicodin to knock out an army and being one's adopted father's (a pigeon-call spouting cocaine dealer prior to taking the helm of Cash Money records) down-low sloppy bottom fits into his dream of a harmonious society, but I guess we can thank Lil' Wayne, fresh off planet Mars, for his brilliant modern interpretation of Dr. King's civil rights goals. Tha Carter continues to serve mankind most admirably, and this I understand. Does that now make me Jesus?
You’d expect me to pay somebody to do it? You supposed to be able to do anything in this world. That’s what Martin Luther King told me. He ain’t never put a specific on what to [do]. He said you can do anything. "Kill" falls under that.Ah, yes, Tha Carter is surely living in a nation where he is judged not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character. I'm sure that if he hadn't been murdered himself, MLK would surely suggest that Lil' Wayne's tattoo teardrops were representative of how the civil rights movement has achieved its goals. Lucky for Lil' Wayne there wasn't a specific clause against murdering those who talk shit about you in their rap songs in the "I Have a Dream" speech, because the lack therof has allowed Weezy to do his part to ensure the realization of Dr. King's dream.
Then again, has Lil' Wayne actually killed anyone? I don't know anyone he has issues with besides the dudes who defected from Cash Money ages ago, and last time anyone checked, Terius "Juvenile" Gray was still eating fish and shrimp po' boys while checking out the finest corpulent asses strolling by on St. James. Who is that teardrop for if not the enemy that Martin Luther King condones him offing?
Also, I know Dr. King also didn't make any mention of how being arrested multiple times for possession of weed and/or enough vicodin to knock out an army and being one's adopted father's (a pigeon-call spouting cocaine dealer prior to taking the helm of Cash Money records) down-low sloppy bottom fits into his dream of a harmonious society, but I guess we can thank Lil' Wayne, fresh off planet Mars, for his brilliant modern interpretation of Dr. King's civil rights goals. Tha Carter continues to serve mankind most admirably, and this I understand. Does that now make me Jesus?
Labels: Birdman, crazies, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hilarous shit, Lil' Wayne, ridiculous absurdity
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Bill Nye the Surprisingly-Razzy-Like Guy
Bill Nye, better known as "The Science Guy" managed to secure a temporary restraining order against his estranged oboist of a sham wife, Blair Tindall.
She's way sexier than I would expect a big nerd like Bill Nye the Science Guy to bag, but it just goes to show you that everything has its price. Undoubtedly fearing that he would lose out on this hot piece if he didn't marry her promptly (as she had been carrying on a torrid affair with the conductor of the Boston Pops), he went ahead and did so. However, by the time he realized the marriage license was invalid, he also presumably realized she was out of her fucking mind and dumped that bitch. He told her to take her sorry ass back to the orchestra pit, and went about his business making vinegar-and-baking soda volcanoes, soda bottle rockets, and otherwise exploiting the miracle of acid-base reactions for educational and entertainment purposes.
Blair didn't much appreciate this, and decided to take out her aggressions on Bill's vegetable garden. Late at night, she crept into his garden and tried to spray weed killer all over it, but fled when he caught her. Like a total dumbass, she started running as soon as he said, "Blair?", essentially confirming her identity. So he went to court and got a restraining order to prevent further threats against his "food produce" and his eyesight from her deadly toxic solvents/herbicides.
I've always liked Bill Nye because not only are science nerds cool (a notion validated every time I look in a mirror), he's from the P-N-Dub and got his start on a local sketch comedy show called "Almost Live" that I used to watch all the time. That show was fucking hilarious. Just thinking about those skits on "Almost Live" (especially the fake Kent and Ballard episodes of "COPS", the TV ad for the "Lynnwood Beauty Academy," and the "Dale Chihuly: world-famous glass artist and vigilante crimefighter" sketch) is cracking me up as we speak. But I digress. Bill Nye was one of the most successful "Almost Live" alums, and I love that his whole game is science-related. He really has geek chic down to the polka-dotted bow tie. It sucks to be just going about your pimptastic business only to have some honey go nuts and disrupt your life with stalking.
Stalking is just not fucking cool. I've been stalked a few times in my life, mostly by harmless dudes who would leave shit on my porch or write me inappropriately lengthy notes or blow up my phone. They would annoy me, but not really scare me. When I lived with Miss Corbutt in Tacoma, our exploits about town ensured that we got stalker gifts at least once a week. We used to joke about it. However, there is NOTHING funny about a stalker who comes ready to kill--even if the intended victims are Bill's tomato plants. I had a stalker this past year who was of that scary stalking variety.
The Ja-Fake-An who wouldn't eat pussy--who henceforth shall be called Rxxx Sxxxxxx, because that's his name and I don't feel any reason whatsoever why I should protect his fucking identity--didn't like what I wrote about him on my blog. I only wrote about him because I was furious that he seemed to feel like constantly sexually harassing me was acceptable, and I wanted to get all my anger out of my system constructively. He did not respond well to this, and came to my lab raising hell and threatening me, menacing me at my lab meeting, and trying to get my PI (ie: boss) to agree that I was a stupid bitch who needed to be put in her place. My PI said he was concerned for my safety, because Rxxx was obviously crazed. Rxxx was told by our department chair to stay the hell away from me, but after getting kicked out of his SECOND lab at Columbia for behavioral issues (he got kicked out of the first for sexual harassment), he decided that he wasn't going to abide by that anymore. He started showing up on my floor, showing up at Free Friday (grad student happy hour), where on one memorable occasion he took two beers out of my hands. This was after I was assured he would ESPECIALLY stay away from me when he was drinking.
Now he has a formal disciplinary letter advising him that any contact with me will result in serious disciplinary action, and I have informed the deans, my department, and Columbia public safety that I will not fuck around should he bother me again. I will go straight to the courthouse and get my own damn TRO, because malevolent stalkers are not to be trifled with. Therefore, I applaud Bill Nye for exercising his legal right to not have solvent sprayed on his veggies or into his eyes by a scorned ex-not-wife with abysmally bad coping skills. The Blair Tindalls and the Rxxx Sxxxxxx need to just get served. Served with legal papers saying that they are ordered by a judge to stay the fuck away!
I feel Bill Nye. It's hard to be a not-really-that-attractive-but-still-possessing-a-certain-something type of sexy geek. I've got basically the same thing going on, but I'm more stacked.
It's hard out here for a science pimp. Dodging stalkers who want to either fuck with your garden or fuck with your rotation student's presentation by glowering into the conference room during her scintillating presentation on mouse dendritic cells and poliovirus infection is not a small task and is very stressful. From one stalked scientist to another, Bill, keep your chin up and don't let the stalker bitches get you down!
Blair didn't much appreciate this, and decided to take out her aggressions on Bill's vegetable garden. Late at night, she crept into his garden and tried to spray weed killer all over it, but fled when he caught her. Like a total dumbass, she started running as soon as he said, "Blair?", essentially confirming her identity. So he went to court and got a restraining order to prevent further threats against his "food produce" and his eyesight from her deadly toxic solvents/herbicides.
I've always liked Bill Nye because not only are science nerds cool (a notion validated every time I look in a mirror), he's from the P-N-Dub and got his start on a local sketch comedy show called "Almost Live" that I used to watch all the time. That show was fucking hilarious. Just thinking about those skits on "Almost Live" (especially the fake Kent and Ballard episodes of "COPS", the TV ad for the "Lynnwood Beauty Academy," and the "Dale Chihuly: world-famous glass artist and vigilante crimefighter" sketch) is cracking me up as we speak. But I digress. Bill Nye was one of the most successful "Almost Live" alums, and I love that his whole game is science-related. He really has geek chic down to the polka-dotted bow tie. It sucks to be just going about your pimptastic business only to have some honey go nuts and disrupt your life with stalking.
Stalking is just not fucking cool. I've been stalked a few times in my life, mostly by harmless dudes who would leave shit on my porch or write me inappropriately lengthy notes or blow up my phone. They would annoy me, but not really scare me. When I lived with Miss Corbutt in Tacoma, our exploits about town ensured that we got stalker gifts at least once a week. We used to joke about it. However, there is NOTHING funny about a stalker who comes ready to kill--even if the intended victims are Bill's tomato plants. I had a stalker this past year who was of that scary stalking variety.
The Ja-Fake-An who wouldn't eat pussy--who henceforth shall be called Rxxx Sxxxxxx, because that's his name and I don't feel any reason whatsoever why I should protect his fucking identity--didn't like what I wrote about him on my blog. I only wrote about him because I was furious that he seemed to feel like constantly sexually harassing me was acceptable, and I wanted to get all my anger out of my system constructively. He did not respond well to this, and came to my lab raising hell and threatening me, menacing me at my lab meeting, and trying to get my PI (ie: boss) to agree that I was a stupid bitch who needed to be put in her place. My PI said he was concerned for my safety, because Rxxx was obviously crazed. Rxxx was told by our department chair to stay the hell away from me, but after getting kicked out of his SECOND lab at Columbia for behavioral issues (he got kicked out of the first for sexual harassment), he decided that he wasn't going to abide by that anymore. He started showing up on my floor, showing up at Free Friday (grad student happy hour), where on one memorable occasion he took two beers out of my hands. This was after I was assured he would ESPECIALLY stay away from me when he was drinking.
Now he has a formal disciplinary letter advising him that any contact with me will result in serious disciplinary action, and I have informed the deans, my department, and Columbia public safety that I will not fuck around should he bother me again. I will go straight to the courthouse and get my own damn TRO, because malevolent stalkers are not to be trifled with. Therefore, I applaud Bill Nye for exercising his legal right to not have solvent sprayed on his veggies or into his eyes by a scorned ex-not-wife with abysmally bad coping skills. The Blair Tindalls and the Rxxx Sxxxxxx need to just get served. Served with legal papers saying that they are ordered by a judge to stay the fuck away!
I feel Bill Nye. It's hard to be a not-really-that-attractive-but-still-possessing-a-certain-something type of sexy geek. I've got basically the same thing going on, but I'm more stacked.
Labels: assholes, crazies, crime and punishment, grad school bullshit, oh the horror, P-N-Dub, Rxxx Sxxxxxx, science, sexual assault
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Just say yes to space weapons
LL Cool Jew sent me the following article yesterday, because of my fascination with the winner of the most impish and spritely vegan Democratic presidential candidate award, Dennis Kucinich. As LL Cool Jew would say, "Kucinich is KRAZAY."
I always knew Kucinich was crazed and into all sorts of kooky space stuff, but I have a hard time believing that UFOs are cruising around Graham. Graham and the similar towns of Yelm and Roy are repositories for crazies. Shirley MacLaine lived in Graham in the first place not for the annual delight that is the Pierce County Fair at the Graham Fairgrounds (and which pales in comparison to doing the Puyallup), but because J.Z. Knight lived out in Yelm. J.Z. Knight is a now-passe psychic cult leader, who claims to channel Ramtha, a thirty-thousand year old warrior spirit from the sunken continent of Atlantis. Despite my mother performing an abdominal ultrasound on J.Z. Knight once and not seeing hide nor hair of Ramtha kicking it inside J.Z. Knight, a bunch of now largely forgotten celebrities were into this. Shirley MacLaine, along with Linda Evans AKA Joan Collins's preferred catfight opponent on the sublime "Dynasty" and her then-boyfriend Yanni, were all into this. Ramtha had all sorts of nutty ideas during his heyday in the 80s, but he never quite caught on like Scientology. It's surprising, because Ramtha's predictions aren't all that far removed from Scientology's. Ramtha has made all sorts of predictions about lizard aliens taking over the earth and turning us all into socialists or something. In order to understand more about this, you basically have to fork over your life savings to J.Z. Knight. Shirley MacLaine was into this, and so apparently was Dennis Kucinich! That explains a lot.
Well, Kucinich doesn't have my vote, only because I don't want Ramtha up in the White House. Also, I strongly suspect the odd smell that accompanied Kucinich's UFO encounter was probably just a gust of wind blowing his way over the county landfill next door or the facility where they process sewage into fertilizer down the street. "The smell of roses" was probaby just a euphemism for the stench of unincorporated Pierce County. Or maybe one of Shirley's neighbors' meth labs blew up. In any event, I am not voting for a dude who follows his nose, smells bullshit, and calls it ten sublime minutes with our extraplanetary communist brethren.
Furthermore, if Kucinich really did see an actual alien spaceship, then I don't want him for president based on his position concerning space weapons. Space weapons aren't exactly a hot-button issue for me in terms of favoring a candidate, but if he knows there are a bunch of asshole aliens flying around Graham at incomprehensible speed, maybe we should think about putting some defense measures in place in case they're not friendly. Granted, Dennis "Workers' White House" Kucinich would probably love if they landed on earth and forced us into some sort of intergalactic dystopian global government, but I for one think we should get some lasers or whatever up there in the interest of preserving democracy, freedom, and the American way. These aliens are showing up a little too close to the Taco Time on 160th and Meridian for my liking, and I'll be damned if some Ramtha-heralded space pinkos threaten my ability to get a crispy beef burrito and Mexi-Fries next time I'm home visiting my peeps in the P-N-Dub. Much as I love Kucinich's insanity, I'm casting my vote for a candidate with a pro-space weapon platform. U!S!A!
Shirley MacLaine claims Kucinich had UFO encounterTwo things caught my eye about this article. First, why the hell was Dennis Kucinich kicking it with Shirley MacLaine's lunatic, tree-whispering ass in the first place? I mean, did their long and storied friendship begin when they met at CrazyCon 1970 or something? Second, why were they checking out UFOs like FIVE MINUTES DOWN MERIDIAN/SR161 FROM MY PARENTS' HOUSE? Seriously, check the map...I've denoted important locations around the Graham/South Hill/Puyallup greater non-metropolitan region for your reference:
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Mark Naymik
Plain Dealer Politics Writer
Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich has claimed to have seen a UFO, according to Shirley MacLaine in her new book, "Sage-Ing While Age-Ing."
Kucinich "had a close sighting over my home in Graham, Washington, when I lived there," the actress, a close Kucinich friend, wrote. "Dennis found his encounter extremely moving. The smell of roses drew him out to my balcony where, when he looked up, he saw a gigantic triangular craft, silent, and observing him.
"It hovered, soundless, for 10 minutes or so, and sped away with a speed he couldn't comprehend. He said he felt a connection in his heart and heard directions in his mind."
Kucinich's campaign and congressional representatives did not return calls and e-mail asking whether the Cleveland Democrat, now in his sixth congressional term, in fact saw a UFO or if there was some other explanation for MacLaine's recollection.
MacLaine is a well-known believer of UFOs and reincarnation. And she has been close to Kucinich for decades. MacLaine is the godmother of Kucinich's daughter and attended Kucinich's 2005 Cleveland wedding to third wife, Elizabeth, who's often campaigning by his side.
MacLaine also recommended in the 1980s that Kucinich visit New Mexico spiritual adviser Chris Griscom, whom MacLaine featured in her then-best-selling book, "Dancing in the Light," describing how Griscom helped her communicate with trees. Kucinich has insisted that Griscom was not his spiritual adviser but a "teacher and a very good friend."
MacLaine, who shares Kucinich's opposition to using weapons in space, doesn't shed any more light in her book on Kucinich's close encounter, including when it happened. Her book goes on sale next month.
Well, Kucinich doesn't have my vote, only because I don't want Ramtha up in the White House. Also, I strongly suspect the odd smell that accompanied Kucinich's UFO encounter was probably just a gust of wind blowing his way over the county landfill next door or the facility where they process sewage into fertilizer down the street. "The smell of roses" was probaby just a euphemism for the stench of unincorporated Pierce County. Or maybe one of Shirley's neighbors' meth labs blew up. In any event, I am not voting for a dude who follows his nose, smells bullshit, and calls it ten sublime minutes with our extraplanetary communist brethren.
Furthermore, if Kucinich really did see an actual alien spaceship, then I don't want him for president based on his position concerning space weapons. Space weapons aren't exactly a hot-button issue for me in terms of favoring a candidate, but if he knows there are a bunch of asshole aliens flying around Graham at incomprehensible speed, maybe we should think about putting some defense measures in place in case they're not friendly. Granted, Dennis "Workers' White House" Kucinich would probably love if they landed on earth and forced us into some sort of intergalactic dystopian global government, but I for one think we should get some lasers or whatever up there in the interest of preserving democracy, freedom, and the American way. These aliens are showing up a little too close to the Taco Time on 160th and Meridian for my liking, and I'll be damned if some Ramtha-heralded space pinkos threaten my ability to get a crispy beef burrito and Mexi-Fries next time I'm home visiting my peeps in the P-N-Dub. Much as I love Kucinich's insanity, I'm casting my vote for a candidate with a pro-space weapon platform. U!S!A!
Labels: celebrities, crazies, intentional buffoonery, LL Cool Jew, P-N-Dub, politics, Razzification, United States of Asskickery
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Captain Lisa Nowak
DOB: May 10, 1963
Occupation: Captain (United States Navy), ex-astronaut, craziest adulterous mistress in the history of the shuttle program
Hometown: Rockville, Maryland
Current residence: Corpus Christi, Texas
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: When I was a little girl, in spite of my all-consuming ambition, I never wanted to be an astronaut. I thought stars and space travel and other planets and whatnot were cool, but even at a young age I had that job pegged as requiring entirely too much math for my tastes. What I did not recognize back then is that lady astronauts also seem to necessitate a healthy dose of psycho obsession with extramarital office flings. While I could handle the hot sex with married naval officers part of the job, the whole violent obsession part probably would have been out of my realm of expertise. I got the stalker thing out of my system after my whole messy lesbian debacle in high school, and even then the worst thing I did was egg my ex-girlfriend's truck and write her new girlfriend a mean letter. After that, I decided that I'd rather just dump the asshole not properly recognizing me for the awesomeness that I am and find a new set of genitals to sit on rather than ratchet up the situation to include felony attempted kidnapping charges. Clearly I am not astronaut material.
Lisa Nowak, on the other hand, is the nuttiest bitch over at NASA, and thus she was exceptionally qualified to operate the robotic arms at the International Space Station. She also started a torrid affair with one of her shuttlemates, Captain William Oefelein. Later he got sick of her ass, but because he was too much of a pussy to effectively establish her ex-mistress status, he just took up with some other skank in the Air Force and hoped Lisa would get the message. She did not. Desperate for information on where she stood, she decided to go the Fatal Attraction route. Since Oefelein or his new beard apparently didn't own pet rabbits, she had to improvise. So she slapped on a pair of Depends, went shopping for latex gloves, wig-and-trenchcoat disguise-type clothes, pepper spray, a BB gun, garbage bags, and a knife. Basically, all the things a girl would need to
Normally, I think stalkers really suck. I've just recently dealt with problems from one of my more malevolent stalkers at work, and it was stressful as hell. I'd tell you all about that, but I don't want the stalker going to elaborate lengths to track me down and take me on a forcible date that ends up with me floating lifelessly in the Hudson River just because I repeatedly refused his demands for sex, blogged about him a year ago when I finally got sick of his pathetic advances, he freaked out and began a campaign of terror against me, and I stood up to him for it, so I won't elaborate. The point is that stalkers usually are nothing to joke about or admire. However, Lisa has managed to impress me enough with her dedication (I know she denies it, but I'm inclined to believe the cops that the bitch was wearing adult diapers when she was arrested!) that I can almost forgive her insane stalker tendencies. Besides, Lisa's story is entertaining as hell. If I open up the news and see more bullshit about terrorism, or global warming, or Bush, or the shitshow in Iraq, I can always count on having my spirits buoyed somewhat if there's also a headline about Lisa Nowak's crazy ass. I love hearing about her and her consistently ludicrous explanations for how her love triangle became so seriously fucked up. She says she's misunderstood, and the state's attorney says that she was trying to do some first-degree taking out of the competition, and I absolutely cannot wait until the court proceedings start up which will resolve once and for all what the fuck was actually going on.
Also, I was so pleased to learn that Lisa is planning to plead temporary insanity to the charges against her. That means she'll have to take the stand in her trial, which I am certain will be some amusing testimony. That means I get to look forward to the prosecution briskly cross-examining her about the Depends she may or may not have worn during her drive to
Labels: crazies, crime and punishment, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, oh the horror, overcompensation, sluts
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Owen Wilson
DOB: November 18, 1968
Occupation: extremely irritating actor
Hometown: Dallas, Texas
Current residence: Santa Monica, California
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I actually hate Owen Wilson. I thought that Zoolander was funny, but when he's not being the So-Hot-Right-Now Hansel, I have zero interest in Owen Wilson. Most of his movies are either asinine romantic comedies or asinine slapstick comedies, and I have no time or patience for either one. I think his nose looks like Mad Eye Moody meets a genital wart, and I hate dudes who specialize in lovable doofus roles. So why is he my Daily Dude I Want to Hit, you ask?
Because over the weekend, Owen Wilson did the greatest, most honorable, most selfless act of his entire vapid, irksome life: he tried to kill himself. Although the official story is that he's either dehydrated or suffering from an "undisclosed medical condition," my trusty gossip internets have informed me that he was removed from his house by an ambulance after being found with bleeding wrists and an empty bottle of Percocet. I can just imagine how this went down.
Owen actually watched one of his own movies, and the shame and horror of what he hath wrought upon the world overcame him. Much as Oedipus, shocked by the realization that he'd boned his freshly suicided mom and consequently cursed Thebes with the disfavor of the gods, put out his eyes, Owen seemingly decided that his crimes against the moviegoing public were the disgrace of his life and moved to make things right. He didn't succeed, but this has all the makings of a great Greek tragedy. I don't think Sophocles or Aeschylus could have scripted anything better about the grave price one pays for hubris.
Anyway, hats off to Owen for trying to make amends with the world by removing himself from it. Next time, dude, remember that cutting your wrists horizontally is just an amateurish cry for help. If you want to get this done, go vertical and make sure you really open up those veins! Just a suggestion. I really want Owen's efforts to pay off (and by "pay off," I mean "non-extant and thus no longer able to pollute the media with shitshows like You, Me, and Dupree or Shanghai Knights").
Labels: crazies, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, intentional buffoonery, tragedy
Monday, August 27, 2007
Well at least you're not.... Mike Shinoda
"Good idea Mike. Hand the mic over to someone with skills."
I know. I know. You've been wondering why you haven't seen an installment of "Well at least you're not..." lately. Well I've been busy with classes and other random stuff. And plus, greatness need only shine once in a while for you to appreciate it even more. So here I go... Well at least you're not Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park.
For those of you not familiar with the nu-metal genre, Linkin Park is a mainstream rock band from California. Of course no one should be familiar with the nu-metal genre but for purposes of ammo, I looked up most of this stuff on Wikipedia. Anyway, Mike Shinoda is a singer/rapper in the band. I can't call him the lead singer because most of the tracks are sung by Chester Bennington. He was referred to Linkin Park by Jeff Blue (Vp for Zomba Music, now VP for Warner Bros.) Clearly that indicates label influence but Shinoda likes to think otherwise. Warner Bros signed Linkin Park to a record deal shortly afterwards. But the bullshit starts to smell when Mike Shinoda claims his band, Linkin Park, had no label influence by saying on a track called "Get me Gone" (from his side rap project group called Fort Minor):
But my band had my back
So we did the tracks
Put out the album and the talk went flat
It was funny at first but then the humor faded
When some magazines printed that our label made us
We were to be good to be true
Too good to be true Mike? Really? With lyrics so poor, it is no surprise that Shinoda raps less and less as each new Linkin Park album drops. I wouldn't be surprised if Gaynoda (my new name for him) composed most of his beats off of a Rhyming Dictionary. When I entered the word Mike into the rhymer, these words came back (I picked out the best ones that describe Shinoda):
apelike, childlike, doglike, dyke, snaillike, tyke, psych, ruglike, gnomelike
Gaynoda's Fort Minor released "The Rising Tide" before Linkin Park's "Minutes to Midnight." Songs like "Feel like home" contain such genius lyrics like:
Blowing in my hands like it's really gonna stop the chill
I buy a cup of coffee with a five dollar bill
thinking
Laying in that box people look so still
Now I'll admit that I used to like Linkin Park. They have catchy beats that even I enjoy tapping my feet to but I'm tired of Shinoda's lies and poor MC skills. Linkin Park won't be on my download list in the near future. Mike Shinoda needs to move out of California and not rap about the state's semi-mild breeze. Anyone should be lucky to not have such poor rhyming skills. Accompanying the poor rhyming skills is the delusion that Mike thinks he is great at what he does. Now Mike may have a lot of money but you should also be lucky not to be him because he started a band in which he isn't even close to the lead singer. I would say he gets laid but he is married. Shinoda got married in 2003. He essentially traded all sorts of random ass from 18 year old girls across the globe to marry a children's book author. Although she is cute, I can only imagine the dogs get more ass:
So while you may not have a recording contract, record company, millions of dollars, and fans across the globe, you can at least take solace in the fact you're not spewing shit like this:
I'm not trying to bum anyone out
Not trying to be dramatic
just thinking out loud
I'm just trying to make some sense in my mind
Some defense from the cold that I'm feeling outside and for a minute
Escape with some rhythm and rhyme and
Get away from the grey
Just a bit at a time
Delusion can do wonders.
Visit my stomping ground: OverAdulthood
Labels: assholes, crazies, Ryle, small penises, vulgar display of faggotry, you're ugly
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
