Saturday, March 21, 2009
It's whatever, ho
I was spending an exciting Saturday night watching March Madness On Demand working on my thesis, and I was plunged into a fugue state on account of both my brackets being totally ruined with the University of Washington's loss to Purdue this evening. Yes, I know I should not have picked U-Dub to go all the way in either, much less in one, but this year I thought picking a total dark horse and staying true to my home state might just be crazy enough to work. Sadly, it didn't, and now I'll suffer the annual indignity of losing to the girl who picked teams based on their mascots and getting shit from all my dude friends about picking the not-UConn Huskies until at least April. Alas.
Anyway, I decided to seek some distraction so I naturally went straight to Khia's MySpace blog. I figured that as long as I was going to be staring at a bunch of inscrutable bullshit (ie: my thesis), I might as well stare at some entertaining inscrutable bullshit (ie: Khia's manifestos against all her apparent enemies, including but not limited to Porsche Foxx, Trina, Jacki-O, Wendy Williams, Lisa Raye, Rick Ross (I think), and either Chris Brown or Rihanna's "ragedy ass pussy" depending on the circumstances of that whole dust-up). I was pleased to see that Khia's been keeping busy hiring professional Photoshoppers and buying gigantic African drums to straddle so it looks as though she has a bizarrely low-hanging dong for her new album, Nasti Muzik.
Though I'm pretty amazed at the fact that Khia only looks mildly busted here rather than something that would be slain in an old episode of "Buffy," no amount of clever marketing can soften Khia's true edgy nature. I'm assuming she spent all her money getting her cellulite and crazy snaggleteeth airbrushed out of the Nasti Muzik promotional material and thinking of clever props to help disguise her prodigious gut, because THIS is the video from her latest song:
Seriously, that IS "whatever, ho." Obviously this was not a Hype Williams production. It was made by some random Khia fan using scenes from the fucking Sims! Isn't the Sims like a game from like 1998? You know you are in desperate need of some new management when you promote your newest single via some homemade catfight-at-the-club-and-beach-in-stripper-heels fan fiction made with a software package that runs on Windows 95. Frankly, they should just give Khia a camcorder and let her film herself babbling about her various rivalries. If she talks anything like she writes, it's bound to be entertaining, or at least the parts I can understand will be.
Really, not even the sluttiest Rock of Love stripper dress can spice up this (shockingly attractive) Sims avatar that is supposedly Khia telling everyone "whatever, bitch" and smacking them around. I'd like to see the real Khia reading her blog on tape. I don't even care if it's to a beat, because entries such as this have their own innate rhythm and flow and are truly like magic to my ears:
Let's not forget I have something special for Lil Red Ridin Hoe... That Bitch has rode her last ride at the Florida State Fair. Her wristband is expired... The people at the gate said her PUSSY wont sell no moe!!! LMAO!!!I THINK the aforementioned "Lil Red Ridin Hoe" refers to Angela "Jacki-O" Kohn (ha at her real name), who has released a similarly titled album. I would rather see Khia regaling us with all the gruesome details about how Jacki-O "rode her last ride at the Florida State Fair" on account of her suddenly unpopular PUSSY (Khia's emphasis). Or Khia could do PSAs about the ethics involved in "Ike Turnering" a woman. In any event, we ought to see her unveil a stream of priceless, jabbering invective in her full gnarly glory, not transformed into some boring e-video ho by one of the few fans who actually likes Khia's pedestrian and utterly forgettable rap songs.
Khia really needs to quit rapping and become my personal assistant. I've got a thesis that needs (still more) writing. My wristband has expired. I need Khia to come in and show me how it's done, Florida State Fair style! She can write every day and, though I'd probably watch my traffic plummet, I'd e-die happy. Khia is so awesome.
Labels: down with OPB (other people's blogs), I LOVE IT, Khia, MySpace, rap
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
A veritable font of wisdom
Let me be the first to say that I loathe dudes who beat up chicks for ANY reason. My position on this is pretty firm. I don't give a fuck if the chick hits the dude first, or if she was sass-talking him, or if she pushed him, or what. The fact is that dudes are bigger than chicks and unless the bitch has a black belt, there's no way some big dude beats on an unarmed woman in self-defense. Period. And I think any bastard who does so is a fucking cowardly, pussified, punk-ass dickbag loser who rightfully deserves to spend some quality time in a prison shower learning some fucking humility. PERIOD. When it comes to wife-beaters, it's ALWAYS the abuser's fault no matter how provocative or maddening the lady was, and I say an emphatic "hang 'em high."
Khia continues with a lengthy stream of consciousness rant that puts The Sound and the Fury to shame in terms of its initial indecipherability. I had to reread it like four times before I realized she seems to express support for my boyfriend Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson in his feud with William Leonard "Rick Ross" Roberts, castigate former radio personality Stephanie "Porsche Foxx" Calhoun for her apparent culpability in a recent string of arsons plaguing Atlanta, and accusing current radio personality Wendy Williams of being transgendered, looking like both the Michelin man and "a OVER fed English bulldog," and having an extremely large neck. She also takes issue with Lisa Raye, the actress who is presently the First Lady of Turks and Caicos, at least until her ugly divorce to the islands' Premier is finalized. Khia seems to think that Lisa was trying to trap the "Count" governing the British territory into a "100 stack booty call" and she ought to flee, since "Turkish women aint got no respect for you Chile! They should have whooped your ass cause they don't play that hoe shit ova there!" I guess Khia is confused about the fact that Turkey is an entirely different place than Turks and Caicos, but since she's obviously putting all her energy into enlightening us as to who is a ho and why, I can forgive her for not brushing up on geography. After I got to the part where Khia advises Lisa Raye that "You will neva be Michelle Obama!!! Go back to the pole and the low budget ass films you know!!!", I couldn't take any more of my mind being blown and got back to work on the considerably less brilliant piece of prose that is my dissertation.
While I might view domestic violence as a very black and white issue, however, I defer to other wise scholars with more profound intellectual gifts than myself to address the shades of gray involved concerning this complex subject matter. For example, this pillar of wisdom:
Namely, the sage known as Khia, a brilliant lyricist who once wrote poetic lines such as "my neck, my back, lick my pussy and my crack" and now provides counsel to lost souls that look to Hood magazine for guidance. Not content to wait until someone asked for her take on the Rihanna-Chris Brown issue via a letter to her advice column in Hood, Khia took to her MySpace blog to describe the exact type of situations that may be appropriate for "Ike Turnering" a woman:
Nowwwwww… Let’s get started!!! What the HELL is really going on with these hoes getting knocked in they EYE?? Face crammed ALL in the STEERING wheel!!!! Now… Rihanna… If you got WARTS all on dat RAGEDY ass PUSSY.. SPREADING dat FUNKY MONKEY around….You needed dat ASS beat !!! Passing off diseases to my beautiful BLACK KINGS!! But if not… Chris Brown… You was DEAD ASS WRONG!!!!! First it was Gucci, then Rocko and now….. Chris Brown!!! Yall niggas aint gone keep Ike Turnering dese hoes cuz the industry getting ready to shut yall niggas DOWN!!! HELLLL…… Much shit as the Queen talk I don’t know nann nigga GONE hit ME in my eye…….Uhh-Uhh!!!!I did hear rumors that Rihanna may have infected Chris Brown with herpes that she got from banging Jay-Z. As a virologist, I would correct Khia that herpes lesions, which are caused by herpes simplex virus, are different both etiologically and morphologically from genital warts, which are caused by human papillomaviruses. I know nothing about whether or not Rihanna is, at the ripe old age of 21, in possession of a "RAGEDY ass PUSSY," and I disagree with Khia's stance that inadvertantly spreading any sort of "FUNKY MONKEY" around is justification for being beaten and bitten to disfigurement by one of Khia's beloved BLACK KINGS. I do agree that regardless of the RAGEDY ass condition of Rihanna's genitalia, Chris Brown is indeed DEAD ASS WRONG and he ought to cease and desist with the Ike Turnering, especially considering that Khia is correct about his career being basically over. I also thank her for advising me that Gucci Mane and Rocko are apparently wife beaters as well, so I will steer clear of them the next time I'm in Hotlanta (assuming they're anywhere near the Chili's at the airport, which is pretty much the only place in Atlanta I've ever popped bottles at).
Khia continues with a lengthy stream of consciousness rant that puts The Sound and the Fury to shame in terms of its initial indecipherability. I had to reread it like four times before I realized she seems to express support for my boyfriend Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson in his feud with William Leonard "Rick Ross" Roberts, castigate former radio personality Stephanie "Porsche Foxx" Calhoun for her apparent culpability in a recent string of arsons plaguing Atlanta, and accusing current radio personality Wendy Williams of being transgendered, looking like both the Michelin man and "a OVER fed English bulldog," and having an extremely large neck. She also takes issue with Lisa Raye, the actress who is presently the First Lady of Turks and Caicos, at least until her ugly divorce to the islands' Premier is finalized. Khia seems to think that Lisa was trying to trap the "Count" governing the British territory into a "100 stack booty call" and she ought to flee, since "Turkish women aint got no respect for you Chile! They should have whooped your ass cause they don't play that hoe shit ova there!" I guess Khia is confused about the fact that Turkey is an entirely different place than Turks and Caicos, but since she's obviously putting all her energy into enlightening us as to who is a ho and why, I can forgive her for not brushing up on geography. After I got to the part where Khia advises Lisa Raye that "You will neva be Michelle Obama!!! Go back to the pole and the low budget ass films you know!!!", I couldn't take any more of my mind being blown and got back to work on the considerably less brilliant piece of prose that is my dissertation.
If you are remotely interested in being completely astounded, I strongly suggest you get with Khia's MySpace blog. It reads like what would happen if a Cylon hybrid got out of her bathtub on the basestar, moved to the Suitcase City neighborhood of Tampa, and decided to see what it would be like if James Joyce started a MySpace feud with Trina and the entire population of Atlanta's hip-hop radio DJs (not that I know what a "Cylon hybrid" actually is...some nerd who watches some show that sounds something like "Gattlestar Balactica" came in and fucked with my computer, that's how that got there). Anyway, how could you not benefit from a woman who has had enough brushes with the Florida state department of corrections to warrant such a lovely mosaic of mug shots? Khia rules.
Labels: down with OPB (other people's blogs), hilarious shit, I LOVE IT, MySpace, rap
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I WANT THAT COPY OF PoV!!!!!!
So my PI (boss/mentor) has this blog and podcast, which I was once a guest on in what a Razzyphile deemed "the geekiest thing ever." Yes, I am a huge nerd. This is not news.
Anyway, my PI is having a contest on his podcast that if you put up links to him and drive enough traffic his way, he'll give you a free copy of the third edition of Principles of Virology, his textbook. I only have the second edition and you might think that he would bless all the students in his lab with free copies of the new version. Not so...the book is over $100 a copy and he apparently doesn't get enough free copies from his publisher to be generous. So I've got to earn mine with webmastery. And since, as many of you regular Razzyphiles have noticed, I've been awfully remiss on the posting because I'm finishing up my dissertation frantically and getting ready to move to Seattle for a virology postdoc there. In addition to just wanting the newest, hottest edition of PoV, I'm actually going to need it.
I did double check with him that he wanted his considerably classier web ventures associated with a lowbrow site purporting to be the ultimate source of useless bullshit. He did explicitly state that he doesn't mind getting traffic from RAZZY.org, and in fact, I'm his second highest referrer after the American Society for Microbiology's website! I should think that fact right there should earn me one of these free copies of PoV, but just in case, I'm shamelessly plugging the AWESOME VIROLOGY BLOG and EVEN MORE AWESOME THIS WEEK IN VIROLOGY PODCAST here. I especially encourage those of you who like when I occasionally drop a little science on your asses to go. Neither are designed for a hardcore scientific audience, and my PI's writing/conversing style is engaging and easy to follow. Besides, my PI is basically a legend in the field, and you will definitely learn a great deal from him about the fascinating field of study I've chosen. Okay, I know I bitch about it all the time, but that's just because I've been in grad school forever. I actually think virology is really great and I am very glad to have chosen it as a career.
So GO READ THE VIROLOGY BLOG AND LISTEN TO TWiV!!!!
Labels: down with OPB (other people's blogs), epidemic geekery, nerd alert, science, viruses rule
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Blog Action Day 2008: Ending (Razzy's) poverty
Last night, I was logging in to the website that tracks my statistics for me, and for some reason decided to click over to their blog. Probably because while getting my internets Razzification on I was watching Monday Night Football, and listening to Tony Kornheiser hollering at Ron Jaworski half-assedly about a lengthy illustrated montage celebrating Gus Frerotte's storied career makes me mildly crazy. I was irritated to see that the people who run my free statistic-tracking service are a bunch of annoying e-do gooders participating in something called "Blog Action Day."
Not only does Blog Action Day sound like one of the least active forms of obnoxious ineffective philanthropy the bloggers of the internets could engage in, it sounds like a complete and total waste of time. Most of the blogs that will participate probably have even fewer readers than the five of you who come here for your daily dose of (so awesome it rocks your face off) useless bullshit, so it's not like they're going to bring a lot of attention to the problem of poverty.
While I deeply empathize with those suffering from its effects (as making less than $30,000 a year in New York City certainly allows me to count myself among the ranks of the destitute), there's a reason why the Blogosphere was not consulted when Congress had to bail out the highest priority group of the impoverished: Wall Street. Bloggers are all poor as fuck and they don't know shit about ending poverty! Even many of the successful ones hardly make any money from their websites. Pick a random blog author and ask how much they make with their online venture. They are doing exceptionally well if they can even pay their utility bills with their blogging profits. Certainly all these bloggers can draw attention to the issue just by writing their own life story, but if they knew the first thing about ending poverty, they wouldn't be fucking poor. The last thing these fools are going to do is somehow end poverty at the fucking FED by writing "poverty is just aweful and shud end NOW lol!" blog posts, thus stimulating the economy, increasing employment, and reducing the welfare rolls all around.
However, Blog Action Day can benefit at least one person in the financial department. It might not do much in terms of meaningful action to end poverty, but at least it creates a great opportunity for me. While all the other sources of useless bullshit across the internets are writing about how society can end the proliferation of beggarly types, I'll write about something totally different, like threesomes or Red Dawn or R. Kelly. Then when everyone is bored of reading banal post after banal post about poverty, they'll all come to RAZZY.org to read about whatever awesome alternative I feel like blabbing about, a few of them will click my useless "FIND SINGLE PEOPLE AGES 18-84 TO FUCK NOW!!!!!!!!" text ads, and I'll totally get a check for $10 instead of $5 for October. By NOT writing about poverty on October 15th, I'll be taking meaningful action to ameliorate poverty...my own poverty. Thank you for the opportunity to capitalize on everyone else's misguided and ineffective sense of altruism, Blog Action Day!
Labels: capitalism, down with OPB (other people's blogs), internet domination
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
The greatest form of flattery?
I was just wasting time looking at what links the greatest website in the history of the internets (AKA RAZZY.org!) had acquired, and found this one. At first, I was pissed because I thought I was being plagiarized. I guess I sort of was plagiarized, but via some sort of faux-literary word filter: 
From Loispki's "romantic poetry" blog: ARE Himself FUCKING Bluffing Subconscious self? Reactive current standards on account of attractiveness are dispassionate supplemental dismally impoverished by comparison with Manes mutually streak.
From my post: Before the haters jump out here and say that I'm jealous or something equally unlikely, let me just say that if there were an online poll about the hottest grad students studying virology or microbiology or even any biomedical science, I wouldn't even have to cheat to be a contender. For one thing, most people in my field look like a cross between a product of the Tri-Lambda or Omega Mu Greek system and a fighting Uruk-Hai. Comparatively, the Aileen Wuornos-meets-Ann Coulter-meets Tonya Harding thing I've got going on is actually kind of hot, and I have faith that my tits (and willingness to display them in all their blazing glory) would propel me to success in such a contest.
From Loispki's "romantic poetry" blog: Historically the haters solo extinguished now and vote that Anima’m suspicious flanch dowhacky warrantedly remote, imagine subliminal self sterling management that if there were an online file in the air the hottest grad students studying virology fleur-de-lis life science cream match up with sole biomedical academic discipline, My humble self wouldn’t match assimilate so that chouse out of towards be in existence a swordplayer. Whereas all-embracing things, plurality blood entranceway my martlet approach a angry between a handiwork as respects the Tri-Lambda flanch Stopping place Mu Conventioneer master plan and a chauvinist Uruk-Hai. To an extent, the Aileen Wuornos-meets-Ann Coulter-meets Tonya Harding being Soul’ve got in progress is obviously moderately white-hot, and Alterum cozen confidence that my tits(and disposition till illustrate yourself near just their scorching renown) would set in motion she on route to transcendence good understanding image a tilt.
Uh...okay. The author of this weblog apparently took a post I wrote a long time ago douchebagging these hipster tools from our nation's capital for rigging a vote about being the hottest blog journalists in the District of Cocksuckers and reworded it. For example:
From my post: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DC standards for attractiveness are even more dismally bereft than I even thought.
From Loispki's "romantic poetry" blog: ARE Himself FUCKING Bluffing Subconscious self? Reactive current standards on account of attractiveness are dispassionate supplemental dismally impoverished by comparison with Manes mutually streak.
From my post: Before the haters jump out here and say that I'm jealous or something equally unlikely, let me just say that if there were an online poll about the hottest grad students studying virology or microbiology or even any biomedical science, I wouldn't even have to cheat to be a contender. For one thing, most people in my field look like a cross between a product of the Tri-Lambda or Omega Mu Greek system and a fighting Uruk-Hai. Comparatively, the Aileen Wuornos-meets-Ann Coulter-meets Tonya Harding thing I've got going on is actually kind of hot, and I have faith that my tits (and willingness to display them in all their blazing glory) would propel me to success in such a contest.
From Loispki's "romantic poetry" blog: Historically the haters solo extinguished now and vote that Anima’m suspicious flanch dowhacky warrantedly remote, imagine subliminal self sterling management that if there were an online file in the air the hottest grad students studying virology fleur-de-lis life science cream match up with sole biomedical academic discipline, My humble self wouldn’t match assimilate so that chouse out of towards be in existence a swordplayer. Whereas all-embracing things, plurality blood entranceway my martlet approach a angry between a handiwork as respects the Tri-Lambda flanch Stopping place Mu Conventioneer master plan and a chauvinist Uruk-Hai. To an extent, the Aileen Wuornos-meets-Ann Coulter-meets Tonya Harding being Soul’ve got in progress is obviously moderately white-hot, and Alterum cozen confidence that my tits(and disposition till illustrate yourself near just their scorching renown) would set in motion she on route to transcendence good understanding image a tilt.
I can't tell if it's supposed to sound like one of those spam e-mails you get that have a lot of florid yet nonsensical language disguising a sales pitch for fake Canadian Viagra, or if it's supposed to sound like "romantic poetry" as the blog's title implies. It's barely readable, but I am amused nonetheless. In fact, maybe I should start calling LL Cool Jew "LL Equable Jew" from now on.
My only question is why did this person pick THIS particular blog entry to rework? I can only assume the author is acquainted with the hipster tools I douchebagged, and thought it would be funny to apply their pseudo-Shakespearean/romantic poetry/spam filter to it. In any event, I'm glad I have fans ardent enough to rewrite Daily Douchebags from days of yore in barely comprehensible pretentious gibberish. Good times.
Labels: down with OPB (other people's blogs), internet domination, Razzification
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Kayden Kross
Real name: ???
DOB: September 15, 1985
Occupation: porn star, blogger
Hometown: Sacramento, California
Current residence: ???--the San Fernando Valley, maybe?
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Kayden Kross is a porn star, albeit one I didn't pay much to until recently. Granted, Kayden Kross is a hot chick, but most porn stars are, and I hadn't really seen anything particularly memorable that she'd been in (although I'm sure I will, since she's now replacing Carmen Luvana as Adam and Eve's number one contract girl, and I buy all my sex toys from them because they throw in a free porn video). However, Kayden Kross recently started writing for one of the porn blogs I keep up with, and I was very, very surprised at her material.
Usually when porn stars blog, they write like they learned how from instant messaging and MySpace comment boards. Most content on porn star blogs is along the lines of "i gotz 2 get sum sleep cuz i have 2 do an anal scene 2morow lolZ! :D" or "this is 2 adress rumers i m hooking i never escorted & wont ever y wld i when i make 500 per seen, just wanned to clear that up k gota go!" So when I read Kayden's first post there, I was surprised to be reading an articulate, grammatically solid, and frankly, funny piece composed by a porn star. I'd never read a first-person account of what it's like to be a feature porn star that was so honest, engaging, and well-written (and Jenna Jameson's book does NOT count; trust that she was too busy getting facial implants and Restalyne injections to write that trash herself). I'd certainly never read any porn star write candidly about the experience of making it through the bathroom without slipping on "the perpetual enema juice" (GROSS) over at Vivid's production site.
Needless to say, Kayden Kross's writing piqued my interest and curiosity, and I've been following her posts since. So I was very excited to wake up this morning and moderate a comment from someone named "Kayden" on a post I wrote ages ago about Shelley Lubben, an ex-hooker/porn star/tweaker and current born-again Jesus freak/anti-porn crusader/self-righteous hypocrite. This Shelley Lubben post amuses me because, since I wrote it, a steady stream of comments have been trickling in, accusing me of being hateful, a porn addict, a bad Christian, and a hypocrite myself. In fact, this post continues to attract so many commenters that I even douchebagged the anonymous commenters who were hassling me about not being as sanctimonious as Ms. Lubben. Upon receiving a comment from someone named "Kayden," I thought to myself, "Could it be that Kayden Kross wrote this comment?" The comment was decidedly pro-porn, clearly articulated, and sounded Kayden Kross-y:
I personally witnessed the extent that Shelley will go to yesterday. She claims 90% of porn stars are on drugs. She claims 90% have STDs (oppostion brought in proof that these claims were entirely untrue). She claims there is no way a girl can actually be happy in porn or like what they do. She did all of this in front of a tax committee in support of a bill that would effectively kill the adult industry. I think she is just trying to make her job easier. If she takes away the option of doing porn she won't have to spend any time trying to convince girls that they are miserable sinners.
Then I went to mikesouth.com, only to see a post by Kayden Kross entitled "Shelley Lubben is a bitchcuntwhore and Calderon is a Political Stereotype," her take on a bill currently in California's state legislature which will tax the porn industry to death. Kayden does an excellent job pointing out that this bill is a shady attempt to circumvent rights to free speech, and addressing both misconceptions about the porn industry (all girls are on drugs, everyone has STDs, etc.) and skewering Shelley Lubben, who apparently put on quite the show for the Golden State's congress. I have come to the conclusion that indeed Kayden Kross left this comment. YES!
Whether or not this post has turned Kayden Kross into a Razzyphile, I don't know, but I'm nonetheless thrilled that the goddamned Joan Didion of porn bloggers decided to take a few moments to put her two cents on my comment pages. This is almost as great as the time the mighty Captain Sig Hansen of the F/V Northwestern called me his .1 fan on his MySpace page! I had better find an excuse to order more sex toys from Adam and Eve so I can get caught up on my Kayden Kross films, STAT.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, down with OPB (other people's blogs), free fucking speech, hot chicks, porn, sluts
Friday, April 25, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Sam from Samcast
DOB: ???
Occupation: running the weather game like what on his new METEOROLOGY BLOG
Hometown: Duluth, Minnesota
Current residence: Washington Heights, New York, New York
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Okay, I don't, because Sam is married to a friend of mine and breaking up my friends' marriages is not how I roll. I may be a depraved slut but I'm not that despicable. However, I would like to get lots of HITS for that hotness. Though he currently puts food on the table slinging pants at Bloomingdale's, Sam is a trained weatherman. He has a bachelor of science or something in meteorology. No joke!
So to keep his weather-predicting skills fresh and sharp, he started a weather blog and is looking for some regular readers. He will give you customized forecasts by request! I wanted to know what I can expect the weather here in the beautiful P-N-Dub to be like during my visit here (particularly since my friends and family here tell me that it's been ranging from 80 degrees to snowing over the past week and a half, a smorgasboard of weather conditions that are pretty typical for spring in the northwest), and he was kind enough to oblige.
Seattle: It looks like Seattle should be nice this weekend. Saturday looks ok, although rain is a bit more likely on Sunday and Monday as some good ol' Pacific moisture rolls in. I know I know, I'm really going out on a limb forecasting rain in Seattle. Temps ok, highs in the 60s lows in the 40s. Let me know how I do!
Well, so far, the weather is not too shabby for spring in the P-N-Dub. As I mentioned above, we expect the unexpected, as anything from sweltering heat to hailstorms can occur during April around here. It's partly cloudy, but there's some sunshine peeking through, temperatures are in the 60s as predicted, and I can actually see Mt. Rainier from the end of my parents' street. It's not wearing a hat, which invariably means that rain is on the way, but if Sam's forecast is right, it should be by tomorrow. I'll let him know.
Anyway, you should go visit Sam's blog and ask him for a forecast of your very own. Sam is a funny guy and let's face it...who wouldn't want their own by-request meteorologist? He's like a DJ but instead of spinning your favorite club-bangers, he's rocking out your own personalized weather report! Hook a dude up with some blog patronage. GO! GO! GO!
Anyway, you should go visit Sam's blog and ask him for a forecast of your very own. Sam is a funny guy and let's face it...who wouldn't want their own by-request meteorologist? He's like a DJ but instead of spinning your favorite club-bangers, he's rocking out your own personalized weather report! Hook a dude up with some blog patronage. GO! GO! GO!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, down with OPB (other people's blogs), P-N-Dub
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Matt from Twelve Fluid Ounces
DOB: May 1, 1981
Occupation: U. S. Navy submariner, reactor operator
Hometown: Northport, New York
Current Residence: Portsmouth, New Hampshire (soon to be New London, Connecticut)
Why I Want to Hit That Hotness: Before I get started on why Matt is hot, this reminds me that I want to give a shout-out to all the hot-ass Razzyphiles in the military. I know that I've made fun of military guys a lot, primarily because the vast majority of the ones I met in Tacoma bars were completely and total dipshit. However, just because I've never taken the opportunity to say how awesome the non-dipshit military folks are (particularly those who get Razzified on the regs). You guys are way braver than myself, considering most of you are going to get stuck in that shitshow clusterfuck known as Iraq, if you haven't already. I also think that the Bush administration has particularly treated you like shit, and the rest of the country isn't always as appreciative of your sacrifices and your services as they should be. I'm honored to have you guys as readers and Razzyphiles.
Anyhow, back to Matt. Matt is a particularly redeeming figure because from what I can tell, he has the exact same job as my friend MillerTime's ex. MillerTime's ex was a douchebag of the highest order. He had red hair, sported these giant hideous coke-bottle glasses because he presumably thought they were ugly-cool, seemed to think he was the funniest fucker on the face of the earth, and wore a beat-up fedora everywhere as if he were Indiana Jones. One time he came over to my parents' house to watch the Seahawks with us, and spent the entire time rooting for the Ravens (not because he liked the Ravens, but because he wanted to aggravate everyone). That day he even picked a fight with HotLawyer's friend ScandalousLawyer over who was the most "NorCal," which was absurd since he's from fucking Santa Cruz which isn't even really considered "NorCal." ScandalousLawyer got sufficiently pissed that he probably would have given him a fully deserved ass-beating if we weren't hanging out wth my parents. He also liked to front like he was some kind of literary expert, which particularly galled myself and HotLawyer. As HotLawyer once put it, "Just because we don't read Clive Cussler novels doesn't mean we don't read." This fucktard also treated MillerTime most shabbily, and while she'd frequently write it off with "he's only 22," I didn't buy that excuse. I expect he'll be just as much of an unpleasant, socially inept, abrasive asshole when he's fifty as he is now. I was overjoyed when MillerTime finally sent his bitch-ass back to Bangor Naval Base where he belonged, and felt that if all naval submariners were cut from his cloth, they were as a whole a group of dipshits capable of producing little in me besides total ire.
Luckily, Matt came along and disproved that theory. I don't know Matt personally, but he found me thanks to IvyGate's coverage of my batshit craziness. I discovered this when I noticed that I was getting some hits from his LiveJournal blog, Twelve Fluid Ounces. I went over there and read what he had to say about me, and while he argued that I wasn't crazy, noted that he'd "probably hit it," and compared me to Tucker Max, he fairly noted that I don't measure up remotely in terms of website traffic. He also gave my site a link in his sidebar. I left a comment acknowledging my shortcomings in the not-living-up-to-Tucker-Max department and thanked him for linking me. I then gave him a reciprocal link.
Well, Matt decided to rocket further up the chart by writing a huge, lengthy post about me entitled "If you're awesome and you know it..." He declared this post "PIMP THE RAZZYBLOG time!" Then he proceeded to link to about 50 different posts I've written, providing some interesting information about each. For example, he was once at the Gold Club in Groton (a lovely establishment that one of my friends from Smith used to strip at) and found his face approximately two centimeters away from Jenna Haze's crotch. I can't sit idly by and not acknowledge the awesomeness of a Razzyphile taking so much time to spread the word about Razzified useless bullshit with more fervor than St. Paul spreading the gospel message throughout the damn Roman Empire.
I've also learned a lot besides facts about my own awesomeness from reading Matt's blog otherwise. For example, he dropped out of Cornell and joined the Navy, something that judging from his scathing posts about life on the "Submersible Death Trap" and the fact that he has a tag called "navy hate," I suspect he regrets. In fact he seems to regard the Navy similarly to the way I regard graduate school, a generally miserable experience from which there is no escape. Matt is ballsier, though, because while I just run the risk of being unhappy and getting a lot of common colds in grad school, he runs the risk of getting torpedoed or whatever bad things can happen to a submarine (buggered by his fellow submariners). He's also really ballsy for admitting something that very few other dudes in their late twenties would on the internets: he's a virgin. I'd take his V-card, except for the fact that I've actually never had sex with a virgin before and that's a conquest I've never been interested in putting on my shelf of trophy fucks. No offense to Matt, but I've had enough trouble with slutty dudes not being able to hold their load for more than thirty seconds, and I'd prefer to not be really annoyed with him since he seems like a really cool guy. However, I bet if he ever comes to New York, I can take him under my wing and teach him a few things about picking up broads. I could also probably hook him up with a nice girl who would do it the right, respectful way (or get really drunk and think it's suddenly a good idea to handle myself). Besides, ladies, he apparently loves eating pussy. Lil' Kim and I both approve.
Anyway, go read his blog. He's a good writer. There is nary a "the navy sux lol" or "that razzie gurl is hott" to be found. He also has an interesting perspective on life in the Navy, and as someone who finds most personal blogs excepting my own to be dull wastes of time, for me to consider his work "interesting" is high praise. I'm honored to add him to my stable of Razzyphiles. Matt Carberry and Twelve Fluid Ounces rules.
Labels: an officer and a hot piece, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hot dudes, Razzyphiles
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Buckle your survival suits
Only 5 episodes of the new season of “Deadliest Catch” have been posted so far on the Discovery website and already we can see that the King crab season is a very bumpy ride for the fishermen. Greenhorn issues, brushes with death, health deterioration, crab count problems, mechanical repairs at sea, and serious disagreements between skippers and crew are what we’ll be watching soon! And that’s just the beginning! Perhaps we should fasten our seatbelts…This indeed sounds like seatbelt-fastening-worthy excitement. But I need more specifics, like how often Captain Sig Hansen is going to show up and melt the screen off my television with his scalding hotness.
Episode 1
The crab fishing fleet once again sets off to brave the deadly Bering Sea and cash in on king crab. But first, Northwestern must quickly make much needed repairs. Wizard trains two greenhorns and Time Bandit welcomes Johnathan’s son Scott.
Uh oh, it sounds like Captain Sig is starting the season off on the wrong foot with some sort of mechanical fuckery on the mighty F/V Northwestern. However, I'm pleased to hear that there are more hotties from Clan Hillstrand joining the show.
Episode 2
The crews are off to stake their claims on coveted grounds, but the sea is not going to give up its bounty without a fight. The Time Bandit pulls a prank. After only 48 hours, one Wizard greenhorn is already starting to fall apart.
Those dumb greenhorns. They always cry like babies when their ship captain screams at them and bitch about everything. You're crabbing on the vast and tempestuous Bering Sea, not taking a pleasure cruise through the tropics, loser. Man up and fish.
Episode 3
A mechanical breakdown presses Northwestern’s Edgar to make a dangerous repair. Meanwhile questionable counting makes Sig lose his temper. Hard work separates the greenhorns on Wizard. On Cornelia Marie, Phil’s health is failing and impacts the crew.
My friend MillerTime is probably going to get all hot and bothered when her favorite Hansen brother gears up in a dry suit to fix the Northwestern's propellor or whatever. And you know I'm going to go into paroxysms of joy when Sig starts hollering at everyone aboard how fucking stupid he thinks they are. However, I will be very sad if Captain Phil has to hang up his captain's hat and cease wheezing good-natured banter with Captain Sig over their radios.
Episode 4
Greenhorns, skippers, and family fishing dynasties begin to crack. On Northwestern, Sig and Edgar have a “last man standing” contest to see who can fish the longest without sleep. Time Bandit’s Captn Johnathan has a brush with death.
Sig is going to win that one, obviously. Betting on Edgar over Sig is like taking pussified Paris over Hector in a bronze sword fight. Granted, I realize that since I once bet that the 2007 Miami Dolphins would beat the not-perfect Super Bowl-losing New England Patriots, I shouldn't criticize people betting on the underdog, but Sig is like the 2007 Patriots to the power of awesome. He can't lose. And Captain Johnathan has a brush with death every season. I can't wait to see if this brush with death is more compelling than last season when he pulled that deckhand out of the Bering Sea and was crying like a little girl while the guy hugged him, shouting, "You saved my fuckin' life, man!"
Episode 5
Tempers flare onboard Wizard and Northwestern. Time Bandit has a dangerous electrical short. On Cornelia Marie, Phil’s health deteriorates. Early Dawn runs headlong into high seas when its greenhorn falls asleep at the wheel.
YES, there's going to be lots of Sig losing it this season, as well as lots of dumb greenhorn problems. However, I'm worried about Captain Phil.
Who will sit in the Cornelia Marie wheelhouse if Captain Phil is forced (due to smoking-related health problems, I'm sure) to retire to Seattle and ride his custom Harleys around all day instead of mining the mighty Bering for red gold? It looks like Phil's son deckhand Jake will get a promotion sooner than he expected.
I cannot fucking wait thirteen more days for "Deadliest Catch" to kick off what will undoubtedly be its deadliest season yet, rife with violent maritime thrills, shipboard buffoonery, and smoking hot Scandinavians from the P-N-Dub. The only thing I'm disappointed about is that the F/V Farwest Leader, which boasted Ragnhild, the hottest Norwegian cook in the fleet, is no longer on the show. However, the proliferation of other hot Vikings (particularly those with the surname Hansen) can ideally fill the empty hole left by Ragnhild's departure.
If for some reason you don't watch this mind-blowingly awesome show, I strongly advise going to the Discovery Channel at 9 on April 15th. Once you go "Deadly," you never go back.
Labels: Deadliest Catch, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hot guys, I LOVE IT, TV
Friday, March 28, 2008
Ivy League hating fails to meet expectations
Last week, my ongoing legal drama got covered by IvyGate, a gossip website for the Ivy Leagues. They pulled a picture of me off my lab's website in which I look fucking HORRIBLE, so I sent them an e-mail with an update regarding my legal situation, a commendation for their coverage, and a request for a photo swap. I didn't want to give the editors of this website the impression that I wanted them to put a disproportionately hot picture of myself, so I sent some pictures that were equally unflattering but at least funny.
Well, apparently despite the fact that she runs something as unbelievably lame as an IVY LEAGUE GOSSIP BLOG, editrix Maureen O'Connor thought my cheeky e-mail and request were evidence of my being "batshit crazy" and wrote a lengthy post to that effect. Certainly sending correspondence obviously intended to amuse and goofy pictures are right up there with auditory hallucinations and imaginary friends in terms of diagnostic criteria for insanity. She also accused me of sending pictures featuring "nudity," as apparently my Lil' Kim and Britney Spears Halloween costumes offended her prudish sensibilities (which may have been because she didn't get the cultural references at all and seemed to think that these were outfits I routinely wear year-round), and suggested that I have no future as a scientist. OH NO! IvyGate has destroyed my career by insinuating that I'm mentally ill and made inferences as to my professional potential and ability...maybe I should sue them for defamation! I hear that's what all the kids are doing these days.
Oh, wait. Any employer who relies on the opinion of uptight Princeton undergrads running a shit-talking gossip blog to judge my merits as a virologist is too dumb to meet my standards, and really, the only evidence of my supposed batshit craziness that Maureen presents is that there are pictures of my boobies on the internets, I jokingly compared a guy who has sexually harassed, threatened, and menaced me in lab for YEARS to Hitler and Bin Laden, and I bragged that I could run a better presidential campaign than Hillary Clinton. Granted, I suppose that since delusional people can claim defamation any time someone writes an opinion of them they don't like, I could always go through the trouble of suing, but groundless libel lawsuits are for losers. Besides, Maureen redeemed herself when she described RAZZY.org as a "bizarro internet 1.0 media empire" (and I think calling it 1.0 is being generous...I would rate my web design skills at a lousy 0.005) and wondered if I'm an "insane genius." Plus, I got mad extra traffic! Looks like I'll be getting $10 in ad revenue this month instead of $5. BOO-YAH! Thanks, IvyGate!
Anyway, Maureen's repeated use of the phrase "batshit crazy" was clearly a gem of originality compared to many of her colleagues in terms of insulting me. Calling me fat and/or ugly and/or a slut has always been a favorite way for Razzy Haters to express displeasure regarding something I've posted, but who knew that the Ivy Leaguers of the internets were equally trite? Some of the comments on the IvyGate post:
Maybe if we were the last two people alive, and there were no sheep. Are there sheep?-Y10 (as in Yale class of 2010)Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. I'm a fat, ugly, attention whore and I shouldn't talk shit about assholes who scream threats at me for writing about my own damn sex life because I'm too much of a fatass troll to get laid with the undoubtedly Adonis-like nineteen-year-olds at Princeton and Yale. Boo hoo. The only one I give any props to is the person who went deep through my archives, found a post where I talked about my concerns regarding getting HPV-induced throat cancer from all the unprotected cocksucking I've done in my time (and on a virological aside, like 90% of college age adults have HPV, so I'm hardly alone in these concerns), and noted that "I'd rather lick a stripper pole than touch that."
this girl is astoundingly unattractive-ugh
Seriously i am tired of looking at this ugly girl. Go away!! Please, put up something new. It's been long enough. What the hell is taking so long?-P11
Your craziness comes from your willingness to smear some guy for not giving you oral sex.
Your trashiness comes from your posting your flabby body all over the interwebs.-@Razzy/Angie
I'm waiting to see something besides this chick's ugly-ass body all over my screen.-Y10
This chick is god-awfully ugly. Please put a new post on the front page.-Y09 (man, those Yalies really aren't feeling me!)
I'm disappointed that those student ID card-carrying Ivy Leaguers couldn't come up with anything better than the same tired fat/ugly/slut/pathetic/attention whore crap that Razzy Haters have been slinging at me for the past three years that I've blessed the internets with my awesomeness. Given the insufferably superior opinion most Ivy League kids have of their own intellect, I would have expected better material. As it turns out, not a single member of this elite group of blog reading intelligentsia could come up with something to top the greatest Razzy anonymous comment hate-on of all time ("Always the cum dumpster, never the bride"). In fact, the anti-Razzy comments deviating from this vein mainly complained about how this story isn't good enough for a highly respected journalistic outlet like IvyGate to publish, and (erroneously) that I'm complaining about sexism because they don't like me. I'm not complaining about shit except that these lame-ass cliched insults are BORING, the editor of a gossip blog considers cleavage and a bare midriff to be "nudity" and can't distinguish a Lil' Kim Halloween costume from normal honey-getting attire, and I expected better vitriol from students of such reputed academic institutions as Princeton and Yale.
I'm really disappointed with the caliber of hating that the Ivy Leagues can produce. As long as they're going to stick with the ugly/fat/skank routine, they could try to get creative with it. Granted, I don't expect brilliance on par with my batshit crazy insane genius, but this is DeVry University-level hateration at best. Step it up, kids. I know you can do better.
Labels: down with OPB (other people's blogs), grad school bullshit, internet domination, Razzification, Razzy Haters, sluts, you're ugly
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Cole Cosgrove
DOB: ???
Occupation: blogger, copy editor of the south Sound's finest paper, the Tacoma News Tribune
Hometown: ???
Current residence: Tacoma, Washington--City of Destiny
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Today I was catching up on my reading concerning what goes on in the beautiful P-N-Dub over at the TNT (that would be the Tacoma News Tribune) website. As usual, not a whole lot is going on. The Pierce County auditor (whose son--on an amusing aside--was best friends with this guy I was boning back in Tacompton and asked if they could run a train on me once...I said no, because he was fat) is leading a campaign for stiffer fines against owning vicious animals in response to several pitbull attacks in Spanaway, and the new Sumner street-sweeping machine led the funeral procession for a recently deceased street sweeper's funeral. I'm sure if I did some digging I could find some news about meth, but otherwise there's not a whole lot going on back in the area where I came up. So I was clicking around tribnet.com and found some blog called "Grit City: You'll Like Tacoma."
I decided to check it out because I already know that I like Tacoma, having gone to school there and lived there for many years, and "Grit City" is certainly an apt description of it. It's a lot more fitting than "America's Most Wired City", which was what Tacoma called itself a few years back because we had more internet wiring than anywhere else or something. Anyway, I was initially annoyed by the "Grit City" blog because I watched the dumb Super Bowl rap video that some tool with nothing better to do made (and which is NOT the "hottest thing outta Tacoma since Chihuly's glass left the furnace"...that would be me.) People making up stupid raps about football--especially while wearing a seriously outdated Darryl Jackson Seahawks road jersey--are not my cup of scotch. But I scrolled on through the blog to the next posting.
Apparently, some dude in Yakima restored a vintage sign touting Yakima as "the Palm Springs of Washington."
Anyway, the author Cole Cosgrove then wondered what Tacoma would compare itself to if it had a similar sign. He came up with the best analogy ever:
I have to give Cole Cosgrove props for pointing this out. Plus, if his thumbnail picture on the blog is any indication, he's kind of a hot piece, by Tacoma standards anyway. Unfortunately, his biography says he's married. Too bad, because with his cheerful good looks and razor-sharp insight, he'd have bitches at the West End or Hank's Tavern swooning and begging him to buy them a round or two of Rainiers. And you know he drinks Vitamin R like any upstanding "gritizen" because elsewhere on the Grit City blog I found this picture of him in his finest T-town regalia:
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hilarious shit, hot dudes, intentional buffoonery, P-N-Dub
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Shameless pitch
One of my buddies from a neighboring lab started up a blog of his own and came to me seeking counsel, as I am the department's resident expert on attention-grabbing bloggery. "It's addictive," he said concerning his newfound passion for weblog authoring. True that. My blogging addiction has cost me countless hours of missed sleep, ample destroyed shreds of dignity, and hundreds of dollars on Sugar-Free Red Bull.
I checked out his site and told him that he needs to put up some pictures because it's awfully texty, but otherwise commended him on a job well done. His whole thing is taking news stories and retooling them ever-so-slightly to be funny. His humor is very subtle, but I have to say that I would read a lot more news if it included shameless addendums to Dana Perino press conference sound bites and snide comments about Bush's State of the Union address. So go check him out:
http://teurders.blogspot.com/
I checked out his site and told him that he needs to put up some pictures because it's awfully texty, but otherwise commended him on a job well done. His whole thing is taking news stories and retooling them ever-so-slightly to be funny. His humor is very subtle, but I have to say that I would read a lot more news if it included shameless addendums to Dana Perino press conference sound bites and snide comments about Bush's State of the Union address. So go check him out:
http://teurders.blogspot.com/
Labels: down with OPB (other people's blogs), grad school bullshit
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
But does he have a MySpace?
My favorite fanatical despot is quickly becoming Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The guy is crazy as a loon, but he's determined to make sure his craziness is heard round the world. Therefore, he did what all lunatics with nothing better to do on their hands (since he's apparently not busy enriching uranium and building nukes after all): he started a blog!
YES! Goodbye Dlisted, A Socialite's Life, Bossip, The Superficial, and What Would Tyler Durden Do?, hello Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Personal memos!
In addition to lots and lots of rambling craziness (my favorites are Ahmadinejad's message to "Noble Americans" trashing Bush or his polemic against airport security entitled "Fingerprinting the passengers, an image of power or insult to human dignity?"), there's a confusing autobiography that reads like something--ironically--out of a Salman Rushdie book, some correspondence Mahmoud has received over the internets, and a lot of Allah-praising. There's also a hot photo gallery of Ahmadinejad striking a variety of presidential poses.
This is sincere, conviction-filled Ahmadinejad.
This is Ahmadinejad's foreign policy face. In other words, it's his "I'm pretending to listen to your argument for the validity of the Holocaust having actually happened as opposed to it being a farsical tale made up by Zionist pigs to fuck us over but I'm actually thinking about which Members Only jacket I want to wear to my next press conference denouncing America" look. It's a hot one.
This is his half-smirking, that's-the-most-ridiculous-thing-I've-ever-heard face. There are no gays in Iran, just as there are no cats in America and the streets are made of cheese. DUH.
It's impossible to be a fundamentalist Islamic dictator--I mean, democratically elected president--without a powerful jihadist fist pump. Down with the American and Israeli infidels!
And finally, my favorite, is where Ahmadinejad shows his sexy side. Mahmoud McDreamy!
Has anyone over at the Department of Homeland Security checked out Patrick Dempsey lately? Because I think these two could be related. Ahmadinejad even wears the same wardrobe that Patrick Dempsey rocked in late 80s classics like Can't Buy Me Love.and Loverboy. And the next time one of my friends starts gabbing about "Gay's Shitnatomy," I'm going to stop her right in her tracks by being like, "Whatever...IRAN SUPPORTER. They should put you on a no-fly list!" Hey, maybe I can get "Grey's Anatomy" canceled by claiming that they support terror...Okay, maybe it's a stretch to say that strictly because Patrick Dempsey and Ahmadinejad KIND OF look a little bit alike, but I'm sure I could cook up some sort of reasonable-sounding argument that's just ridiculous enough to work. I'm an expert in bullshit, after all, and I feel the same way about "Grey's Anatomy" that Ahmadinejad feels about Israel and the Bush administration. Besides, making stuff up works really well here in America; remember how well that "there's weapons of mass destruction in Iraq" thing worked out? Well, if you were like "t-t-t-totally dude" when it comes to getting involved in an unfixable shitshow of a war, it worked out great! I think getting "Gay's Shitnatomy" taken off the air is even more noble a cause than fighting terror or whatever it is we're supposedly doing in Iraq
Sadly, there is no online store. I would love to get whatever type of politically explosive t-shirts this crazy fool could design. Furthermore, if Mahmoud puts his own favorite styles up there, I'd better buy some stock in the Men's Wearhouse because that shit is going to skyrocket. I hope that as he refines the content, he will realize how brilliant it would be to make Ahmadinejad merchandise. I'd buy some just to have a shirt that talks trash about Bush in Farsi. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy reading his psychotic yet hilarious ranting. Iran, fuck yeah!
YES! Goodbye Dlisted, A Socialite's Life, Bossip, The Superficial, and What Would Tyler Durden Do?, hello Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Personal memos!
In addition to lots and lots of rambling craziness (my favorites are Ahmadinejad's message to "Noble Americans" trashing Bush or his polemic against airport security entitled "Fingerprinting the passengers, an image of power or insult to human dignity?"), there's a confusing autobiography that reads like something--ironically--out of a Salman Rushdie book, some correspondence Mahmoud has received over the internets, and a lot of Allah-praising. There's also a hot photo gallery of Ahmadinejad striking a variety of presidential poses.
This is sincere, conviction-filled Ahmadinejad.
This is Ahmadinejad's foreign policy face. In other words, it's his "I'm pretending to listen to your argument for the validity of the Holocaust having actually happened as opposed to it being a farsical tale made up by Zionist pigs to fuck us over but I'm actually thinking about which Members Only jacket I want to wear to my next press conference denouncing America" look. It's a hot one.
This is his half-smirking, that's-the-most-ridiculous-thing-I've-ever-heard face. There are no gays in Iran, just as there are no cats in America and the streets are made of cheese. DUH.
It's impossible to be a fundamentalist Islamic dictator--I mean, democratically elected president--without a powerful jihadist fist pump. Down with the American and Israeli infidels!
And finally, my favorite, is where Ahmadinejad shows his sexy side. Mahmoud McDreamy!
Has anyone over at the Department of Homeland Security checked out Patrick Dempsey lately? Because I think these two could be related. Ahmadinejad even wears the same wardrobe that Patrick Dempsey rocked in late 80s classics like Can't Buy Me Love.and Loverboy. And the next time one of my friends starts gabbing about "Gay's Shitnatomy," I'm going to stop her right in her tracks by being like, "Whatever...IRAN SUPPORTER. They should put you on a no-fly list!" Hey, maybe I can get "Grey's Anatomy" canceled by claiming that they support terror...Okay, maybe it's a stretch to say that strictly because Patrick Dempsey and Ahmadinejad KIND OF look a little bit alike, but I'm sure I could cook up some sort of reasonable-sounding argument that's just ridiculous enough to work. I'm an expert in bullshit, after all, and I feel the same way about "Grey's Anatomy" that Ahmadinejad feels about Israel and the Bush administration. Besides, making stuff up works really well here in America; remember how well that "there's weapons of mass destruction in Iraq" thing worked out? Well, if you were like "t-t-t-totally dude" when it comes to getting involved in an unfixable shitshow of a war, it worked out great! I think getting "Gay's Shitnatomy" taken off the air is even more noble a cause than fighting terror or whatever it is we're supposedly doing in Iraq
Sadly, there is no online store. I would love to get whatever type of politically explosive t-shirts this crazy fool could design. Furthermore, if Mahmoud puts his own favorite styles up there, I'd better buy some stock in the Men's Wearhouse because that shit is going to skyrocket. I hope that as he refines the content, he will realize how brilliant it would be to make Ahmadinejad merchandise. I'd buy some just to have a shirt that talks trash about Bush in Farsi. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy reading his psychotic yet hilarious ranting. Iran, fuck yeah!
Labels: assholes, down with OPB (other people's blogs), Grey's Anatomy, international intrigue, internet domination, politics, tyrannical rulers
Friday, November 30, 2007
The wit and wisdom of Lil' Wayne
A site that LL Cool Jew got me reading, Bossip.com, has some choice quotes from Dwayne "Lil' Wayne" Carter's interview with Complex magazine. The cover of the magazine itself has a choice quote ("I'm a Martian, and if you understand me, then you're Jesus") that seems to answer the question asked by the cover: Is Lil' Wayne crazy?
The answer would seem to be yes, especially when reading some of the other sound bites Weezy Fuckin' Baby spouts in the article. For starters, his conversations with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. about how to handle beef personally:
Then again, has Lil' Wayne actually killed anyone? I don't know anyone he has issues with besides the dudes who defected from Cash Money ages ago, and last time anyone checked, Terius "Juvenile" Gray was still eating fish and shrimp po' boys while checking out the finest corpulent asses strolling by on St. James. Who is that teardrop for if not the enemy that Martin Luther King condones him offing?
Also, I know Dr. King also didn't make any mention of how being arrested multiple times for possession of weed and/or enough vicodin to knock out an army and being one's adopted father's (a pigeon-call spouting cocaine dealer prior to taking the helm of Cash Money records) down-low sloppy bottom fits into his dream of a harmonious society, but I guess we can thank Lil' Wayne, fresh off planet Mars, for his brilliant modern interpretation of Dr. King's civil rights goals. Tha Carter continues to serve mankind most admirably, and this I understand. Does that now make me Jesus?
You’d expect me to pay somebody to do it? You supposed to be able to do anything in this world. That’s what Martin Luther King told me. He ain’t never put a specific on what to [do]. He said you can do anything. "Kill" falls under that.Ah, yes, Tha Carter is surely living in a nation where he is judged not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character. I'm sure that if he hadn't been murdered himself, MLK would surely suggest that Lil' Wayne's tattoo teardrops were representative of how the civil rights movement has achieved its goals. Lucky for Lil' Wayne there wasn't a specific clause against murdering those who talk shit about you in their rap songs in the "I Have a Dream" speech, because the lack therof has allowed Weezy to do his part to ensure the realization of Dr. King's dream.
Then again, has Lil' Wayne actually killed anyone? I don't know anyone he has issues with besides the dudes who defected from Cash Money ages ago, and last time anyone checked, Terius "Juvenile" Gray was still eating fish and shrimp po' boys while checking out the finest corpulent asses strolling by on St. James. Who is that teardrop for if not the enemy that Martin Luther King condones him offing?
Also, I know Dr. King also didn't make any mention of how being arrested multiple times for possession of weed and/or enough vicodin to knock out an army and being one's adopted father's (a pigeon-call spouting cocaine dealer prior to taking the helm of Cash Money records) down-low sloppy bottom fits into his dream of a harmonious society, but I guess we can thank Lil' Wayne, fresh off planet Mars, for his brilliant modern interpretation of Dr. King's civil rights goals. Tha Carter continues to serve mankind most admirably, and this I understand. Does that now make me Jesus?
Labels: Birdman, crazies, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hilarous shit, Lil' Wayne, ridiculous absurdity
Monday, August 13, 2007
Mugshots are almost better than backshots...almost
Every week, The Smoking Gun features these mugshot galleries that I can't get enough of. They usually feature people making silly faces, or doing ridiculous shit, or wearing ironic shirts. Every time I look at one of these galleries, I seriously wish I was somehow involved in law enforcement. Along with the show "Cops," these mugshots prove one thing: criminals are hilarious, and I wish I got the opportunity to laugh at them as part of my daily job. Viruses are nowhere near this amusing. See for yourself:
If the blank, dead-eyed stare is any indication, this guy's dogs were let out some time ago. I think who let them go is irrelevant.
No thanks, dude...my body has already been inspected. I wonder if this guy's work as a "female body inspector" is the reason why he's having his picture taken by a county photographer.
Neither is eyebrow waxing, which is why this hooker has a couple of caterpillars adorning her gracious brow.
You're not Mr. Right Now, either.
Success is only measured in felony convictions if you're trying to join some type of international crime syndicate. Otherwise, a picture like this is more a measure of failure. But then again, you're already not on the road to success if you need a catchy t-shirt to provide instruction.
That nose injury--likely from the fight that got this bitch locked up on an assault charge in the first place--would lead me to believe otherwise.
I wonder if his wife and presumed prayer buddy will be visiting his whiskery ass in the pokey?
Okay, true. And we have more fun. And gentlemen prefer us. But usually not in prison stripes, blondie. And NEVER in that jail jumpsuit orange color...NOTHING makes a blonde bitch look more sallow and jaundiced than an orange shirt. Next time, get the shirt in red or blue, and stay on the good side of the law while you're rocking it.
CLEARLY.
Nothing is more convenient that getting busted with the bail bondsman's number handy.
And that somebody ain't you, sister.
This guy is literally wearing his defense on his shirt. His accomplices should have recruited someone in a "Stop Snitching" shirt for whatever caper landed them in the clink instead.
It's also a bad meth-face day.
This bitch may be party trained, and she's certainly party-hardened, but apparently she skipped the training program where they teach you to evade capture by the police.
Not yet you aren't.
Whatever the "Jedi way" entails besides engaging the Empire in an epic struggle for peace and freedom in the galaxy, I don't think it involves doing a shitload of crank and getting busted while acting the fool.
Don't believe that contrite statement, and don't look into this bitch's eyes either. I'm almost positive this bitch is the long-lost relative of the Basilisk Harry Potter dispatched with the sword of Godric Gryffindor in the Chamber of Secrets. The arresting officers had to read her Miranda rights in Parseltongue. Her gaze is deadly and her venomous fangs destroy Horcruxes. Trust.
Judging by the vacant eyes and mouth lesions--the natural dermatological consequence of sucking heavily on a crack pipe and/or a crack dealer's herpetic, purulent weiner--this chick didn't accomplish effective "living" or "loving" either.
Obviously. However, this burly gentlemen let it wander in the right direction, because he looks positively thrilled at the possibility of reuniting with his lifting buddies, AKA the skinheads in the prison weight room. Soon he'll be able to relive pleasant memories from his former vacations at the state's expense, like shanking rivals in the yard or conducting sodomy-themed orientation courses for new inmates in the showers. Good times.
3. Also, the person wearing this shirt.
Maybe not, but what you do do is an excellent impression of Miss J. Alexander, the runway coach and annoying queeny judge from "America's Next Top Model."
And if there's one thing Miss J. does VERY well, it's drama, so methinks that shirt is being just a wee bit untruthful. Besides, that rather androgynous criminal has a serious, "Oh no you DID-UNT, BITCH!" look his/her eyes, and that to me is the exact variety of drama implied by that shirt.
Anyway, I could look at these mugshots all day. I'm easily entertained by stupid people. You can go see more of them at The Smoking Gun, but be warned...it can result in hours of mindless e-dicking around.
If the blank, dead-eyed stare is any indication, this guy's dogs were let out some time ago. I think who let them go is irrelevant.
No thanks, dude...my body has already been inspected. I wonder if this guy's work as a "female body inspector" is the reason why he's having his picture taken by a county photographer.
Neither is eyebrow waxing, which is why this hooker has a couple of caterpillars adorning her gracious brow.
You're not Mr. Right Now, either.
Success is only measured in felony convictions if you're trying to join some type of international crime syndicate. Otherwise, a picture like this is more a measure of failure. But then again, you're already not on the road to success if you need a catchy t-shirt to provide instruction.
That nose injury--likely from the fight that got this bitch locked up on an assault charge in the first place--would lead me to believe otherwise.
I wonder if his wife and presumed prayer buddy will be visiting his whiskery ass in the pokey?
Okay, true. And we have more fun. And gentlemen prefer us. But usually not in prison stripes, blondie. And NEVER in that jail jumpsuit orange color...NOTHING makes a blonde bitch look more sallow and jaundiced than an orange shirt. Next time, get the shirt in red or blue, and stay on the good side of the law while you're rocking it.
CLEARLY.
Nothing is more convenient that getting busted with the bail bondsman's number handy.
And that somebody ain't you, sister.
This guy is literally wearing his defense on his shirt. His accomplices should have recruited someone in a "Stop Snitching" shirt for whatever caper landed them in the clink instead.
It's also a bad meth-face day.
This bitch may be party trained, and she's certainly party-hardened, but apparently she skipped the training program where they teach you to evade capture by the police.
Not yet you aren't.
Whatever the "Jedi way" entails besides engaging the Empire in an epic struggle for peace and freedom in the galaxy, I don't think it involves doing a shitload of crank and getting busted while acting the fool.
Don't believe that contrite statement, and don't look into this bitch's eyes either. I'm almost positive this bitch is the long-lost relative of the Basilisk Harry Potter dispatched with the sword of Godric Gryffindor in the Chamber of Secrets. The arresting officers had to read her Miranda rights in Parseltongue. Her gaze is deadly and her venomous fangs destroy Horcruxes. Trust.
Judging by the vacant eyes and mouth lesions--the natural dermatological consequence of sucking heavily on a crack pipe and/or a crack dealer's herpetic, purulent weiner--this chick didn't accomplish effective "living" or "loving" either.
Obviously. However, this burly gentlemen let it wander in the right direction, because he looks positively thrilled at the possibility of reuniting with his lifting buddies, AKA the skinheads in the prison weight room. Soon he'll be able to relive pleasant memories from his former vacations at the state's expense, like shanking rivals in the yard or conducting sodomy-themed orientation courses for new inmates in the showers. Good times.
3. Also, the person wearing this shirt.
Maybe not, but what you do do is an excellent impression of Miss J. Alexander, the runway coach and annoying queeny judge from "America's Next Top Model."
And if there's one thing Miss J. does VERY well, it's drama, so methinks that shirt is being just a wee bit untruthful. Besides, that rather androgynous criminal has a serious, "Oh no you DID-UNT, BITCH!" look his/her eyes, and that to me is the exact variety of drama implied by that shirt.
Anyway, I could look at these mugshots all day. I'm easily entertained by stupid people. You can go see more of them at The Smoking Gun, but be warned...it can result in hours of mindless e-dicking around.
Labels: America's Next Top Model, crime and punishment, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hilarious shit, I LOVE IT
Friday, July 27, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Michael K.
Name: Michael K.
DOB: 1978
Occupation: scathing gossip blogger, flaming homosexual, HOT SUPER BITCH
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Current residence: "Village of the East", New York, New York
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Michael K. is the brilliant ultra-cunt behind Dlisted.com, which is by far my favorite gossip website. I am fucking addicted to Dlisted, and check it on the regular. In spite of the fact that he can't spell or type worth a damn, his commentary about whatever type of trashy celebretardation is going on with Lindsay, Paris, Britney, etc. is blistering. You know Michael K. was the kind of guy who would be great to sit outside and have drinks with, because he'd just rip on everyone who walked by in the style of the Kobra Kai dojo: with NO MERCY.
In contrast to the self-proclaimed Queen of all Media Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira, Michael K. isn't always posting pictures of himself. In fact, I had to go to his MySpace to find out what he looked like at all. It's a pity, because he is substantially better looking than Perez (and Michael K.'s sweet little Hua-hua Elvie is better looking than Paris, for that matter):
Also unlike Perez, Michael K. doesn't fancy himself a driving force of the pop culture zeitgeist. He never encourages me to listen to faggy club music or to go see Dreamgirls. He also doesn't spend half of his time trying to pathetically imitate his quarries, like Perez Hilton who wants to be a celebrity so badly himself that 99% of his site now consists of discussing whatever Z-list event he just attended alongside the likes of Tara Reid and Screech from "Saved By the Bell." Michael K. doesn't front like he's famous. He just calls bullshit when he sees it, and usually in a way that cracks me up. I like it because he uses terms that I often bandy about, like "hot piece of trash" or "hot slut." I also love the way he always writes "Trust" to drive home his point (ie: "This bitch (Lindsay Lohan) is going to get off. Trust."). I find it adorable.
Sadly, Michael K. is faggier than a damn Cher CD, so the chances of me hitting his hotness are slim to none unless I become a F2M tranny...sha right. Anyway, Dlisted is brilliant and Michael K. rules. Trust.
Labels: celebrities, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, down with OPB (other people's blogs), hot dudes, I LOVE IT
Subscribe to Posts [Atom]
