Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Porn is for pussies, and I mean that in a good way
I got a fun piece of fan mail from a Razzyphile who requested the moniker DrunkenStumble a while back:
Razzy!
Though a contemplation of an email has been in the works for nearly a year, I finally had to send one in upon reading Aunt Jesus. Your Aunt Jesus smells an awful lot like my Uncle ... let's call him John (after the Baptist who, let's face it, looked more like a caveman than the baptizer of Jesus) who is a hypocrite of the highest order. He went from awesome drunken party boy to saintly congregation president with the turn of a screw. He also goes into what I've guessed to be Jesus induced hazes whenever homosexuality, liberals, or alcohol is mentioned. This I find EXTREMELY odd seeing that him and my dad's brother is walking that razor's edge between HIV and AIDS and is so far in the closet he's next door fellating the neighbor.
Now I'm one of many Razzyphiles on facebook and finally hunted you down to friend you on facebook, I can't help but thank you for bringing out my inner slut. Before I had met my ex I was so buttoned up that if anyone mentioned porn star I was crimson from the neck down and knowing porn stars openly was a bit of my dirty little secret. My ex introduced me to the site and upon the discovery that someone else thought Belladonna was pretty bad ass made me realize that living the boring life I'd had wasn't going to cut it. So, a smattering of mediocre bed rompings later, I find that you're the best thing I got out of dating my ex.
Now I finally have someone who also thinks John McCain is made of awesome and isn't touting a "God Hates Fags" sign makes the world a far easier place to live in.DrunkenStumble
I always love a good fawning e-mail, but I particularly love one that credits me for bringing a woman living an admittedly "boring life" to Jesus Belladonna. I think every woman could learn a thing or two from Belladonna, and not just how to (BOTH SUPER NSFW) make Cytheria erupt like Old Faithful or get double fisted by Jenna Haze. In fact, every woman could learn a lot from watching porn in general, and not just about sex. Porn teaches you what feminism is really all about.
Even when I was an angry feminazi type with a Ms. subscription and a chip on my shoulder about the patriarchy, I just couldn't get behind the deeply man-hating feminist theories of women like Catherine MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin. These dumb bitches overcompensated for decades of being the ugliest fat hags at the bra burning rally by declaring all penetrative sex to be rape and claiming that pornography is a violation of women's civil rights. In a post she wrote discussing the world's most embarrassing Jews, my friend LL Cool Jew, a liberal, 1970s radical-bred, NPR-listening, lesbian on sabbatical from San Francisco, had some choice words to say about Andrea Dworkin the Hutt and her vehement anti-pornography stance:
This is a bitch against whom I passionately railed as a righteously sexually liberated Smith College junior for her repressive, primitive, man-hating, female-sexuality-mistrusting, straight-up-First-Amendment-violating crusade against porn. Saying porn does damage to women necessarily means that women don't enjoy porn, and every woman I know can attest against that. Anyway, don't get me started. Suffice it to say, thank God the good old U.S. Constitution was around to fend off that fat, embarrassing Jewess.
Even back in the day when I was wearing ill-fitting men's clothes, rocking the world's worst baby dyke haircut, jamming to my Bikini Kill CDs, and writing "RIOT GRRL" on my knuckles, I felt the same way as LL Cool Jew. No matter how pissed off I was about the nefarious patriarchy supposedly keeping us down and no matter how many bad poems I wrote, bands from Olympia, Portland, or San Francisco I admired, or unflattering pairs of Salvation Army cords I donned to express my subversion of the male establishment, I never directed my ire at pornography. Even before I had seen any porn, I could appreciate its intrinsic value to society, and specifically to women.
I realize that most porn is geared toward men and their fantasies, and that might lead an anger-prone feminist to believe that it is inherently sexist. I've seen a lot of things in porn that compel me to roll my eyes because they were so obviously thought up by a dude, such as peroxide blondes with five-inch acrylic claws fingerbanging each other and acting like they are shrieking with pleasure rather than vagina-ripping agony, or the feigned joys of a strap-on blowjob. The small amount of "female friendly" porn available is usually incredibly boring, relying more on romantic storylines and foreplay than hardcore fucking. In fact, if you believe "Sex and the City," women get off on shoes and relationship drama rather than any kind of actual sexual activity. However, to suggest that because porn is geared toward men indicates that it is exclusively their province would be wholly erroneous.
The other night, I was hanging out with a bunch of my bitches and I was regaling them with tales about how I learned to love performing fellatio. This turned into an instructional session involving me demonstrating some techniques on a beer bottle and referring some skeptics to recent posts from this very blog. One particularly resistant pupil continued to raise an eyebrow at me, so I said, "Oh, hell, just go watch some blowjob videos on RedTube and emulate it." The reaction at the table was explosive.
"I FUCKING LOVE RedTube!" exclaimed the hesitant cocksucker. "That shit rules!"
"What's RedTube? Is that like YouPorn? I'm on YouPorn all the time!" added one of her friends, who, I should add, was a pain-in-the-ass overly political lesbian.
"RedTube is my jam, for sure," said another one of the girls.
I should add that, of all these women, I am probably the most sexually in-your-face girl there. These ladies aren't prudes, but many of them are definitely the kinds of girls who don't fuck strangers or put out on the first date or have threesomes or otherwise engage in my kind of slutty antics. In spite of the fact, however, that they are all "good girls" with successful careers and lots of self-esteem, they are all apparently really into hardcore streaming tube sites. These women obviously don't consider porn to be objectifying or degrading. They consider it a source of enjoyment and a boon to their sexuality. Tons of women consume porn in spite of whatever male chauvinist trappings the self-loathing, man-fearing, sexuality-rejecting feminazi theorists of the old guard might base their wack-ass theories upon. The fact that many modern women have become so comfortable with their own sexuality that they consume male-directed porn with as much gusto as your average dick-jerking, woman-oppressing dude is a triumph for feminism.
I am happy to have done my part for the sex-positive women's movement by helping DrunkenStumble, a woman I've never met before, embrace her love of rubbing them off to Belladonna. Knowing that setting the example of an open, sexually liberated pervert helps other women achieve the same laudable goal is definitely one of the satisfying perks of being in the useless bullshit business, and it motivates me to continue singing the praises of smut. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch some porn.
Labels: correspondence, feminazism, I LOVE IT, perversion, porn, Razzyphiles, sex
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Camille Paglia
DOB: April 2, 1947
Occupation: per Wikipedia, a "post-feminist feminist," per Prospect magazine "one of the world's top 100 intellectuals," and per herself "a feminist bisexual egomaniac" (I can relate)
Hometown: Endicott, New York
Current residence: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I first noticed Camille Paglia when the rest of the mainstream did, when she was on "60 Minutes" in 1990 talking about her book Sexual Personae. In between pictures of Paglia wearing leather and surrounded by dog-collared men on leashes, the "60 Minutes" reporter was featuring clips of Gloria Steinem (Smith College '56) and Camille Paglia trashing each other over whether or not the Rolling Stones' classic "Under My Thumb" was sexist (Steinem said yes because she invented shrewish pain-in-the-ass feminism, Paglia said it was irrelevant because it's art and the Stones rule). Even at the age of twelve I was impressed and thought that Camille Paglia seemed like the kind of woman I might like to be someday.
Unfortunately, after a brief dalliance with annoyingly radical feminazism in high school, followed by an even more irritating dalliance with poetry-writing overemotional lesbianism, I forgot about Camille Paglia until my ex-boyfriend Benzo's mother told me that she had shared a dorm room with her back at SUNY Binghamton. In college I figured that anyone who had once dyed her hair in a sink with Benzo's mom and who later rightfully called Andrea Dworkin a fat, ugly, mean-spirited troll who could benefit from more pornography viewing (I'm paraphrasing, but that was the gist) was perfectly okay in my book. In fact, as far as professional feminist thinkers go, Camille Paglia is one of the very few I have any respect for. She doesn't whine, she likes to fuck, and she respects art. She's also very intelligent and an effective, powerful writer. That's why these days, I occasionally swing by Salon.com to see what Camille Paglia has to say about the world in her monthly column.
Today she is answering reader mail, and one of her readers wanted to know why Hillary Clinton has surrounded herself with such a collection of pussified douchebags. Specifically, the reader called the dudes behind the Hillary shitshow campaign "passive-aggressive, sadistic, mean, little, petty beta-male pieces of work who would not naturally succeed in a common male-type hierarchy." Camille agrees that Hillary's campaign--which she has compared to the Spanish Armada getting owned by England--is an unmitigated disaster, and then proceeds to call the men that are a part of it "slick, geeky weasels or rancid, asexual cream puffs."
I really loved Camille's subsequent characterization of Hillary Clinton. She perfectly describes why I am not voting for her (apart from the fact that I'm a social program-hating, tax-cutting, small-government libertarian). After noting that she has "come to doubt whether Hillary has any core values or even a stable sense of identity," Camille puts Senator Clinton on blast:
With her outlandish fibbing and naive self-puffery, her erratic day-to-day changes of tone and message, her glassy, fixed smiles, and her leaden and embarrassingly unpresidential jokes about pop culture, she has started to seem like one of those manic, seductively vampiric patients in trashy old Hollywood hospital flicks like "The Snake Pit." How anyone could confuse Hillary's sourly cynical, male-bashing megalomania with authentic feminism is beyond me.
THANK YOU, Camille. Women can and should be allowed to distrust Hillary Clinton, and I'm tired of hearing Hillary's myriad flaws excused on the basis that she's a chick and it's high time we as a collective gender demographic shattered the glass ceiling in the White House. I frankly don't see how anyone could think that Hillary is putting forth any kind of coherent or admirable message after she voted for the Iraq War and then spent her entire campaign criticizing it. I now really can't see how anyone can think Hillary is a consistent or has a shred of integrity or credibility after blatantly lying about the sniper fire she supposedly dodged in Bosnia. Most of my friends on Team Hillary have lately ceased their exhortations that I vote for Hillary simply so that we can have a woman president. I think that's because Hillary's shameless, unreserved ambition for power has finally emerged from behind her initial veneer of "experience," and she has been exposed for what I've always figured her to be: an insufferably, ruthlessly narcissistic liar. Regardless of her gender, Hillary just SUCKS.
I wholeheartedly applaud Camille Paglia for describing exactly why Hillary would be absolutely ineffective as a president, and why she is despicable as a human being. As Camille later writes in response to a different reader question, "I'd love to have a woman president -- but slippery Hillary, stolidly pumping and pumping her narcissistic bellows like a steam engine, just isn't it." Camille Paglia is a smart lady. I'd hit that hot piece of cougar ass if she weren't shacked up with her life partner. Trust.
I wholeheartedly applaud Camille Paglia for describing exactly why Hillary would be absolutely ineffective as a president, and why she is despicable as a human being. As Camille later writes in response to a different reader question, "I'd love to have a woman president -- but slippery Hillary, stolidly pumping and pumping her narcissistic bellows like a steam engine, just isn't it." Camille Paglia is a smart lady. I'd hit that hot piece of cougar ass if she weren't shacked up with her life partner. Trust.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, feminazism, Hillary Clinton, hot chicks, politics, sluts
Friday, February 29, 2008
From one woman to another, STFU Hillary!
A while back, I douchebagged all the whiny women's organizations that were bitching because Hillary Clinton is getting owned by Barack Obama on account of her female gender. I have no problems with people making legitimate complaints about sex discrimination, but in Hillary's case, it sounds to me like a big bunch of sour grapes. Oh, boo hoo, Hillary is an unlikable, two-faced, lying bitch with bad taste in power pantsuits...she's being DISCRIMINATED against, because there's no way that Barack Obama's comparatively good looks and charming rhetoric about change and vision could possibly seduce the American constituency more than her record of corruption and dishonesty! If I weren't voting for septugenarian stud Senator John McCain, I'd vote for Obama based on looks alone.
Obama may not know what the fuck he's doing, but he's a lot more hittable than Hillary and you haven't heard him doing much whining...and if anyone has cause to complain about discrimination or unfair press, it's him. I haven't seen any major media outlets constantly subtly implying that Hillary is a terrorist.
Now, it seems that Hillary is adding her own voice to the shrewish cacophony of busted, pleated pant-wearing old feminists complaining about being politically undermined by her lack of a Y chromosome...sort of. In an interview with ABC's "Nightline," Hillary said:
I am getting really tired of this sexism crap. Hillary is a victim of her own backfiring political strategies, not some nebulous patriarchal conspiracy designed to keep a woman out of power. Of course I hate it when women get legitimately shafted. On occasions where I've been treated unfairly because of my gender, I get outraged, and it happens more than you might think. People take a look at me, see a petite blonde with her tits hanging out of her shirt, and talk to me like I'm a moron. Even worse, this is usually done by other women. One time the Chief Business Officer of the company I used to work for called me into her office and basically called me a slut for wearing shirts that were "too fitted" for her tastes (this was one of those hookers who still rocked a perm and blazers with shoulder pads in 2002; she was later fired for trying to embezzle $50 grand in unaccounted travel reimbursements). I pointed out that some of my male colleagues wore Grateful Dead shirts that hadn't been washed since before Jerry Garcia died to work that were far less professional than my tailored V-necks. She explained that "this isn't about men, it's about you," and further insulted me by framing this as some kind of constructive career advice. Since she thought I had "potential to achieve," I'd better cover up so as not to threaten other women by enticing the boys with any hint that I might have a hot rack. I told her that my breasts should have nothing to do with my ability to expand T cells ex vivo. I then bitched about this to my (male) boss over beers, he agreed this was discriminatory since our company didn't have a dress code, told the CEO, and the CEO apparently reamed her out about "sexually harassing" valued employees for no reason other than being a jealous hater. I should add that this same corrupt, Razzy-hating CBO was incorrigibly flirtatious with many of the men around the office and installed her twenty-five-year-old boytoy as a "consultant" (translation: doing Google searches for her while billing the company $300 an hour) while she was busy railing against my pro ho outfits and complaining about some of the mothers in our office taking too much maternity leave. This evil CBO perpetrated greater insults against professional women than anything that I've seen happen to Hillary in this campaign, and I'm not complaining that I got screwed because of it. In fact, I'm still showing my tits and having a good time doing it.
Fuck complaining...I am getting a doctorate from an Ivy League grad school and that bitch is unemployed! I win again and as usual!
Incidents like that anecdotal tale of myself and the sexist woman-hating-woman executive certainly suck, but they are nothing any self-respecting professional bitch should spend her time grousing about. The reason those things happen is that people think innately that different standards about character, sexuality, and personality apply to women. However, the only way to change that innate thinking is not for prominent women to grovel and cry and validate ideas that women are weak, emotional, pitiful creatures, but to rise above it and take responsibility for failures as well as successes. Hillary pandering shamelessly for sympathy towards her mostly non-existent plight is disingenuous and anti-feminist, in that it reinforces ideas that women can't own up to their own incompetency. As my old Smith professor Saratoga120 says, "Feminism will have achieved its goals when there are as many mediocre women in positions of power as there are men." Feminism clearly has a way to go.
I need to hurry up and turn 35 so I can show this dumb twat how to really run a presidential campaign. RAZZY 2016!!!!!! In the meantime, go McCain!
Now, it seems that Hillary is adding her own voice to the shrewish cacophony of busted, pleated pant-wearing old feminists complaining about being politically undermined by her lack of a Y chromosome...sort of. In an interview with ABC's "Nightline," Hillary said:
"I think women just sort of shake their head," Clinton continued. "My friends do. They say, 'Oh, my gosh, this is so hard.' Well, it's supposed to be hard. I'm running for the hardest job in the world. No one has ever done this. No woman has ever won a presidential primary before I won New Hampshire. This is hard. And I don't expect any sympathy, I don't expect any kind of, you know, allowances or special privileges, because I knew what I was getting myself into.I can think of at least one woman who is shaking her head for an entirely different reason: ME. I am not feeling sympathetic "oh, Hillary has it so hard" thoughts. This statement is straight out of the Seven Sisters College Handbook for Backhanded Self-Validation. Nothing annoys me more than some broad rattling off a list of her perceived feminist triumphs to qualify what breaks down to "oh, poor me" self-pity. Note her skill at acknowledging that she doesn't expect "allowances or special privileges" to mitigate the self-indulgent qualities of her complaints that she's losing. If you get distracted by caring about Hillary's feelings, you might almost be tricked into thinking that in spite of being a young, relatively inexperienced black man with a jihadist-sounding name that the media eagerly misappropriates for purposes of racist fearmongering, Obama's campaign has been a cakewalk compared to the trials that Hillary has suffered. Excuse me, bitch, but you started your campaign raising more money than any of the other candidates in your party and having your husband AKA the most beloved Democrat since John F. Kennedy stumping for you, and you still fucking blew it. SHUT UP about the playing field being even. Last time I checked, there was a difference between fucking up and getting unfairly screwed over. Just because this scheme didn't go as well as your nefarious cornering of the cattle futures market back in your Whitewater days doesn't mean that the deck was stacked against you.
"Every so often I just wish that it were a little more of an even playing field," she said, "but, you know, I play on whatever field is out there."
I am getting really tired of this sexism crap. Hillary is a victim of her own backfiring political strategies, not some nebulous patriarchal conspiracy designed to keep a woman out of power. Of course I hate it when women get legitimately shafted. On occasions where I've been treated unfairly because of my gender, I get outraged, and it happens more than you might think. People take a look at me, see a petite blonde with her tits hanging out of her shirt, and talk to me like I'm a moron. Even worse, this is usually done by other women. One time the Chief Business Officer of the company I used to work for called me into her office and basically called me a slut for wearing shirts that were "too fitted" for her tastes (this was one of those hookers who still rocked a perm and blazers with shoulder pads in 2002; she was later fired for trying to embezzle $50 grand in unaccounted travel reimbursements). I pointed out that some of my male colleagues wore Grateful Dead shirts that hadn't been washed since before Jerry Garcia died to work that were far less professional than my tailored V-necks. She explained that "this isn't about men, it's about you," and further insulted me by framing this as some kind of constructive career advice. Since she thought I had "potential to achieve," I'd better cover up so as not to threaten other women by enticing the boys with any hint that I might have a hot rack. I told her that my breasts should have nothing to do with my ability to expand T cells ex vivo. I then bitched about this to my (male) boss over beers, he agreed this was discriminatory since our company didn't have a dress code, told the CEO, and the CEO apparently reamed her out about "sexually harassing" valued employees for no reason other than being a jealous hater. I should add that this same corrupt, Razzy-hating CBO was incorrigibly flirtatious with many of the men around the office and installed her twenty-five-year-old boytoy as a "consultant" (translation: doing Google searches for her while billing the company $300 an hour) while she was busy railing against my pro ho outfits and complaining about some of the mothers in our office taking too much maternity leave. This evil CBO perpetrated greater insults against professional women than anything that I've seen happen to Hillary in this campaign, and I'm not complaining that I got screwed because of it. In fact, I'm still showing my tits and having a good time doing it.
Incidents like that anecdotal tale of myself and the sexist woman-hating-woman executive certainly suck, but they are nothing any self-respecting professional bitch should spend her time grousing about. The reason those things happen is that people think innately that different standards about character, sexuality, and personality apply to women. However, the only way to change that innate thinking is not for prominent women to grovel and cry and validate ideas that women are weak, emotional, pitiful creatures, but to rise above it and take responsibility for failures as well as successes. Hillary pandering shamelessly for sympathy towards her mostly non-existent plight is disingenuous and anti-feminist, in that it reinforces ideas that women can't own up to their own incompetency. As my old Smith professor Saratoga120 says, "Feminism will have achieved its goals when there are as many mediocre women in positions of power as there are men." Feminism clearly has a way to go.
I need to hurry up and turn 35 so I can show this dumb twat how to really run a presidential campaign. RAZZY 2016!!!!!! In the meantime, go McCain!
Labels: assholes, Barack Obama, feminazism, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, politics, sluts
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Daily Douchebag: feminist Hillary Clinton supporters
DOB: various
Occupation: sore losers
Hometown: various
Current residence: nationwide
Douchebaggery: I knew it was only a matter of time after Hillary started to lose before the feminists started whining about how this is another example of gender discrimination. Sure enough, an article today in the Boston Globe is getting into all the whiny bitching coming out of the nation's most prominent feminist organizations.
From Kim Gandy, president of the National Organization for women: "I do think at some level there is a Catch-22 for women. Showing your heart has never been a plus for high-achieving women."Okay, bitches, I got it. You're pissed that Barack Obama is a hell of a lot more charming than Hillary and this is unfair because she has more experience, and this is all because she's a she. I will be the first to agree that Hillary has addressed specific policies compared to Obama's seemingly endless well of vague "hope and change" rhetoric. However, I don't think this has to do with Hillary being a woman. Hillary's supposed vast experience consists of having one more term than Obama in the Senate, and being a First Lady who managed to accomplish a whole lot of nothing in terms of health care reform. Accusations that she's being punished for being "competent" rather than "jazzy" on account of her gender are bullshit, because I wouldn't say that Hillary is competent based on her track record.
From Martha Burk, chairwoman of the National Council for Women's Organizations: "She characterizes herself as being a workhorse and not a show horse. She is being punished in a certain way for being competent and not jazzy. If he (Obama) were female, with his credentials, age, and track record, I don't think he'd be anywhere near the presidency of the United States."
From Ramona Oliver, communications director of EMILY's List: "All of the substance, all of the work, all of the policies, all of the accomplishments probably don't come off as flashy. There's inspiration, and there's effectiveness."
When I think of things Hillary Clinton has done, I think of her failing at fixing the clusterfuck that is our nation's health insurance system. I think of her voting for the Iraq War and then backpedaling on that position. I think of shady land deals in the Ozarks and even shadier goings-on in the cattle futures market. I think of cover-ups involving bankrupted savings and loans. I think of failures to report campaign contributions worth upwards of $800,000. I think of someone who claims to champion workers' rights, yet sat on the board of Wal-Mart--quite possibly the world's worst employer--for six years. I think of someone who blames criticism on conspiracies, rather than the result of her own fraudulent sketchiness. None of these things have anything to do with the fact that Senator Clinton is rocking a pair of X chromosomes. These things have everything to do with the fact that she is an unscrupulous liar, and all the specifics on her policy positions in the world can't change that.
Clinton isn't losing to Obama because of gender discrimination, and it annoys me to no end that bitches are saying this is the case. I think it's gender discrimination to suggest that the American public should overlook Hillary's "experience" at being involved in all sorts of eyebrow-raising shenanigans simply because she is a woman. Should female candidates be exempt from criticism of their records simply because they are female? I don't think so. The last time I checked, feminism was supposed to ensure that women are equal to men, not given special privileges.
I am no fan of Barack Obama because he writes a whole lot of gigantic checks that his ass won't be able to cash with every inspiring rally. However, it's hardly sexist that he has managed to outpeddle his bullshit platform to the American public compared to Hillary. Her so-called "accomplishments" are the very reason that Democrats would rather vote Obama. They don't want more of Hillary's corrupt politics-as-usual. They want someone who is going to change things, and that is what Obama is selling. Hillary isn't failing to galvanize new followers because of her gender. She is failing to rally support because she is duplicitous and sneaky, and all the boring, policy-heavy speeches in the world aren't going to make voters forget that.
I think it's a waste of time for these women's organizations to crow about how Hillary is getting shafted and if Obama were a woman, he wouldn't be anywhere near where he is because of a lack of substance. Hypothetical musing over whether Obama would succeed with a set of tits is irrelevant and pointless, and ultimately insulting to female voters who go with Obama or anyone else (like the hotness known as Senator John McCain). It suggests that chicks who don't automatically back Hillary because of her gender are either ignorant or stupid tools of the patriarchy who don't know what's best for them and are easily tricked by a flashy show rather than impressed by a candidate's record. I would argue that if Hillary is losing the support of women or any other group of voters, it's because of her record and her "substance," not in spite of it.
This also reminds me of why I never pay attention to anything preached by groups like the National Organization for Women. I don't need to hear passive-aggressive lectures about voting for a woman because I'm a woman delivered in the form of a whiny, unsupported complaint about sexism. In the immortal words of Trina, "you bitches got too much times on your hand." Grow up and accept that Hillary is going to lose to Obama because all the "substance" and "experience" she brings is tremendously unappealing to many people, not because she's yet another broad hitting a "glass ceiling" or suffering discrimination. Karma's a bitch, and so is Hillary, judging by her record.
Labels: Barack Obama, Daily Douchebag, feminazism, Hillary Clinton, politics, sluts
Friday, January 25, 2008
Daily Douchebag: people who say "Vote for Hillary" because she's a broad
DOB: various
Occupation: reminding me that I have a vagina and XX chromosomes and a pair of tits, and thus should like Hillary Clinton
Hometown: various
Current residence: various, but there's plenty in NYC
Douchebaggery: I've heard from several of my friends recently expressions of shock that I'm not into Hillary because "she's a woman." My friends aren't douchebags, but just because they are smart and I love them doesn't mean that I have to agree with them on this point. The other day I treated JerseyGirl to a lengthy oration on my grand love for John McCain and she replied, "Razzy, I like McCain, but Hillary's a woman."
I scoffed and responded, "If that's how you feel, then you should have voted for Elizabeth Dole in 2000."
JerseyGirl acknowledged that I had a point there. Now, I realize that she and LL Cool Jew, who is also a Hillary girl, like more about Mrs. Clinton than just her vagina. In fact, if her vagina were available for public scrutiny, I'm willing to bet that she wouldn't even be a contender in the race. You know Hillary's bits are wrinkly and gross. I would attribute that even more than her atrocious personality as the main factor driving her husband into the arms of many a porky skank. No, JerseyGirl and LL Cool Jew like Hillary's policies as well. I, however, do NOT.
I don't like how Hillary Clinton is going after Barack Obama, and vice versa. It makes them both look petty and ridiculous, and validates every suspicion I have that Hillary will say anything and everything to gain power. I don't like people who are disingenuous, and Hillary strikes me as extremely disingenuous. I feel like she would promise me one thing and then promise my neighbor the opposite so long as it meant we would both vote for her.
I also don't like her actual policies. She wants to spend too much money on the wrong things. For example, she busts on Bush's tax cuts but allocated millions to build a museum commemorating Woodstock. Bitch, we are in serious debt, in a money-sucking war, and about to enter a recession; we don't need to be wasting taxpayer money on hippie museums! She is basically a socialist, and has called the free-market economy "radically disruptive." Yet, while Hillary loves to talk trash about how evil capitalists have profited at the expense of the common worker's health care, she worked as a corporate lawyer for Wal-Mart and sat on their board. Slut needs to shut up about helping out the working class when she sat on the board of directors for a company whose business plan famously screws its employees out of benefits and decent wages. She's also always talking about what a great job she did with the whole health care thing when her husband the Silver Fox was in office. That's in spite of the fact that last time I checked, the state of health care in America is worse than it's ever been before. More people are uninsured, more people are denied coverage, and more people are getting repeated fucked over financially by the entire system, yet Hillary loves to pat herself on the back for having tackled it and failed miserably fifteen years ago. Hillary is a liar and a hypocrite, and I don't need her patronizingly informing me of all she's done to help out the common man--or woman.
The most glaring example, however, of why I hate Hillary is the Iraq War. Hillary is always talking about what a shitshow this thing is and how she just wants to bring everyone home right away, regardless of the consequences. However, BITCH VOTED FOR THE WAR! I don't appreciate her whining about Bush "rushing to war" when her ass voted to authorize him to do so. I also don't like that she explains her actions by whining about how Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction there (we all know that), and then proposes to just bring everyone home. I am not a fan of the Iraq War AT ALL, and I think we never should have gotten ourselves into that appalling mess. However, thanks to Senator Clinton and all our other elected legislators who voted for it, we're now stuck in it. I'm not sure what the solution is or if there is one, but I know that it is NOT just saying, "See ya, Iraq" and busting the fuck out of there. Clinton helped get us into this mess, and now she's trying to get us out by just saying, "Oops, our bad. Later, dudes! See you when you're politically stable, which will be NEVER." I do not want this prostitute managing our departure from Iraq. She didn't know what the fuck she was doing when she voted yes to war, she doesn't know what the fuck she's doing now when she's opposing it, and she is being dishonest to make up for how pathetically unqualified she is at managing the entire clusterfuck. I understand that "flip-flopping" is a normal part of politics, and there will never be a politician who has been consistent on every policy. However, the war in Iraq is probably the biggest issue to flip-flop on out there, and it's clear that her position changed solely for political reasons. I don't want a Senator who votes based on her own ambitions for power rather than the good of her constituents. I didn't vote to re-elect Hillary in 2006, and I am not voting for her for president in 2008 under any circumstances. I would seriously rather elect Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee than Hillary Clinton.
Many people have suggested that those who oppose Hillary Clinton are doing so by judging her unfairly because she's female. I've heard a lot of commentary about how men are never criticized so harshly about their looks or their clothes, and it's just another example of how sexism is still insidiously prevalent in our society. I could care less whether or not Hillary is being judged unfairly for her vile taste in pantsuits. She is a liar, and she could be the most awe-inspiring beauty in the world and I wouldn't like her. Her vagina isn't any more important to me than John McCain's penis (although I know which one of those I'd rather be face-to-face with). I judge her on her record, which is contradictory and unsettling. Casting my vote based on her gender is just as arbitrary as not casting it based on her style choices, and I don't feel that the feminist thing to do is to make an incompetent liar the head bitch in charge of America.
Besides, hooker went to Wellesley. FUCK WELLESLEY! The first president from the Seven Sisters isn't going to be one of those sluts from the other side of Assachusetts. She's going to be a Smith College graduate. Named Razzy. She's going to never lie, wear lots of low-cut tops (which double as excellent tools for diplomacy), deliver speeches replete with plenty of what Robert Sylvester Kelly would call "real talk," reinstate the Monroe Doctrine, and invade Canada. Just kidding about that last part. I'm actually going to invade Mexico. It will solve a big chunk of our immigration problem and as an added bonus, tacos and Cuervo shots for everyone! The point is, back when I was at Smith some dumb girls would wear these shirts with former alumnae Barbara Bush and Nancy Reagan on them that said, "There's got to be a better way to get a Smithie in the White House." I'll tell you what that way is. Don't vote for Hillary in 2008, and vote for Razzy in 2016 after President McCain rules America's face off for two terms! GO PIONEERS!
Labels: Daily Douchebag, feminazism, John McCain, libertarians rule, media whores, Mitt Romney, politics, President William Jefferson Clinton, scathing indictments, sluts, tyrannical rulers
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Gayelle
Alias: Sapphysapphian
DOB: 2007
Occupation: the new, more confusing "lesbian"
Hometown: the galaxy of Gayelles
Current residence: the obscure internets
Douchebaggery: The dumb bitches who run sapphicchic.com have decided to create a website "built to catalyze a movement, a movement to define gay-females with an alternative-and-untainted-term; a new word, which is representative of an evolved society and a different time, an ultramodern and progressive one in which a free people, no longer support and or tolerate, the repressive attitudes and derogatory language that has become associated with words such as lesbian." Wait, how is "lesbian" associated with "repressive attitudes" and "derogatory language"? I like "lesbian" and all linguistic derivatives. Lesbian makes for some great language: lez, lesbo, lezbot, lezzie, lezbionic, leztastic, lesbadar, lezbollah, etc. I love the word "lesbian," and, despite the efforts of Rosie O'Donnell and every fat, crusty bitch who ever got her self-righteousness on at Smith's efforts to the contrary, I don't associate it with "repressive attitudes." I associate "lesbian" with hot girl-on-girl action! I definitely do NOT associate this "gayelle" crap with hot snatch-licking and hilarious word truncations. I associate "gayelle" with a bunch of hippie-dippy old dykes with nothing better to do than sit around drinking tea, deconstructing language, and inventing new things to get pissed about out of boredom Validating my suspicions are a series of essays, poems, and tedious short fiction about the genesis of the gayelle movement--if you can call a couple of fugly old bitches in batik skirts listening to Dar Williams and inventing new ways to be ridiculously pretentious about nothing a "movement."
The motivation that inspired the creation of a new word, meaning gay and female, is a long-standing and persistent distaste for the word lesbian. The invention of “gayelle” is with the idea and hope that it will have a worldwide appeal, and ultimately, supersede the word lesbian; a suitable replacement is necessary for positive language and the healthy self-esteem of the gay-female-population.First off, "gayelle" does NOT have worldwide appeal. Gayelle doesn't do a damn thing for my self-esteem, and I don't know any lesbians who think it would be cooler to call themselves gayelles. I think "fagette" would have been a better choice, both because it doesn't sound--for lack of a better term--completely fucking gay, but it has a better ring to it. It's catchier.
The word lesbian is antiquated; it is not representative of modern times, and or, of persons with modern views. Lesbian does not sound cheerful and fun, nor does it mean merry, like the word gay does; rather, it sounds more like loner, loser, and less. Gay females deserve more, not less."Lesbian" may not sound cheerful or fun, but it doesn't sound like "loner, loser, and less" either. "Lesbian" makes me think of cunnilingus and hot naked tits, which makes me cheerful, sounds like fun, and implies great merrymaking. Gayelle sounds to me like "loner, loser, and less." It sounds like something a shut-in who is a loner on account of being a loser who gets less pussy than the average lesbian would come up with.
Moreover, the word lesbian is so frequently used derogatorily, that to be called a lesbian is almost tantamount to being called an offensive name. In a typical T.V.-sitcom scenario, a male character, oftentimes the lead, calls a female character who does not respond favorably to his overtures, “a lesbian,” in a disparaging tone and likewise demeanor, consistent with having the “f” word precede it as in, a “f-ing lesbian.” For this reason, especially, the word lesbian needs to be relegated to a definition that has derogatory implications, much like the words queer and faggot.Okay, dudes sometimes do call bitches lesbians when their seduction attempts fall flat, but PLEASE. These same dudes are the same ones who call guys fags right before they indiscriminately beat their asses while drunk. Trust that they won't be incorporating "gayelle" into their lexicon anytime soon, and even if they do, they'll still call you a "fucking gayelle" when you shoot down their clumsy offers of sexual congress. Which they won't give you, because you're a busted old, pucker-faced dyke with a mullet, hairy armpits, and one of those jean jackets with a corduroy collar. Fucking lesbians.
The definition of the word gay, proves that for whatever reasons, it is a term that has increasingly become associated specifically with homosexual men. Notwithstanding that, it is apparent that both genders want to reserve a word that distinguishes each from the other. Thus, it seems pragmatic to start anew by using gayelle, instead of lesbian or gay, to represent the gay-female-population.How is it pragmatic to ensure that people start adopting an entirely new made-up word? Wouldn't it just be easier to stick with lesbian? Gayelle sounds fucking stupid.
By choosing gayelle, the feminine factors in “the equation of who is gay and who is not” can reassert their interest in the word gay, as well as, assert a displeasure for the word lesbian. More importantly, however, to choose gayelle over lesbian, would demonstrate a form of action that, most assuredly, would be helpful in restoring the rightful dignity that belongs to the mothers, daughters, sisters, and friends, who have been victims of hatemongering and or a poorly-conceived joke, and or, a lack of sensitivity.Again, who is upset about the word lesbian? This is the first I've heard about the overall dissatisfaction with "lesbian." And nobody is reclaiming their lost dignity by answering to gayelle. In fact, on account of it sounding idiotic and being completely fabricated, it actually reduces whatever shreds of dignity any given humorless, uptight lesbian with a chip on her shoulder about semantics possesses.
Gayelle is the logical and reasonable alternative, in that, it contains the words gay and elle (the French pronoun for “she”). Gayelle is a word that has relevance to our time, and it’s easy to say, as in the gay-gayelle community. Unlike the capitalized form of Lesbian, which is defined “a native or inhabitant of Lesbos,” and “of or pertaining to Lesbos;” gayelle and the capitalized form Gayelle, in essence, have the same meaning.Because people often get very hung up when someone says "lesbian," as they're often confused as to whether or not you're talking about a muff diver or a Greek islander. I know that people often ask me to clarify which capitalization I would use if spelling it so they'll be able to properly distinguish what I'm talking about when I'm dishing about either box munchers or sexy locales in various classical tragedies and epics by Homer.
The choice is yours. Be hip and sapphic-chic with your preference for gayelle. Define this decade of the 21st-century with a new word and a new outlook. Go gayelle!In short, NO. I have no intention to "go gayelle." It's more sapphictarded than sapphic-chic. Sapphic chic means hot short haircuts, overly geometrical eyeglass frames, and tailored power suits, not invented words that smack of Francophilia. Even worse, I have no intention either of adopting these crusty lezbots' term for me. Apparently "bisexual" makes me sound like a hermaphrodite rather than a big perverted slut, so they've coined a new title that will ostensibly help my self-esteem: hipshe.
Hipshe? HIPSHE? The day I walk into a bar and proclaim to the assorted potential sex partners populating it, "I am Razzy, and I'm a HIPSHE! Who wants to party?" is the day that I may as well cloister myself in a convent, because I'm never getting laid again with that attitude.
A word that does not include the word “sex,” is more acceptable language for any, other than an intellectual conversation. The present vernacular “bisexual,” as a word meaning persons who are attracted to and act upon that attraction to persons of the same and opposite sex, is misuse of the word bisexual as defined, “of both sexes; hermaphrodite,” in Webster’s Dictionary, 1940.Why is not acceptable for my sexual orientation to be described using the word "sex"? That's what my bisexuality/hipsheness is all about: getting it ON! I know that I sound like an erudite, academic intellectual when I'm bragging about having threesomes, but I think that "sex" is acceptable to include in other conversations about my swinging both ways.
To label those of the above-stated orientation with a word that is synonymous with a word to distinguish one who is born with an anomalous biological condition involving the reproductive organs, is tantamount to saying that one would have to be a freak of nature to feel that sort of mixed desire. For those reasons, the word “bisexual” is a tasteless choice, and it is unfit for use in this context and in our politically – correct – society.If these bitches are going to spend all their time coming up with new words to rectify the offenses caused by terms like "lesbian" and "bisexual," they might want to brush up on their punctuating. The use of commas in this material is so egregiously incorrect that it's impossible for me to regard the authors as any kind of linguistic experts. And if they suggest that "bisexual" implies "freak of nature," then why haven't they come up with a new, more acceptable term for being tranny? I mean, I don't think that being transgendered makes someone similar to the gear-shifting mechanism of a car, but that's what "tranny" means. By the same logic, transgendered persons should get a similarly stupid word as "gayelle" or "hipshe" to describe them!
Although bisexual is now defined “3. responsive to both sexes” in American Heritage College Dictionary, 3rd edition, it is nevertheless, necessary to find and adopt a suitable replacement. A well known name from antiquity, that has become associated with a woman’s desire for another woman, is Sappho. Therefore, a word or name that brings to mind the intriguing Sappho, seems a legitimate and likely candidate. The name Sapphy could be regarded as a modern and informal form of Sappho. Sapphian looks and sounds like it could mean “like Sappho.” And sapphysapphia is a combination, beautiful to say, but arguably, a bit lengthy for our sound bite – gigabite – world. On the other hand, the thirteen – letter – five – syllable sapphysapphia is made from only six different letters; in alphabetical order they make, ahipsy (a.hip.sy), which looks and sounds close to “a hip she,” hence the creation, hipshe.Wait, I thought antiquated terms were problematic--hence the issue with lesbian. So why are these bitches suddenly dropping this crap about Sappho? And "sapphysapphian" is not "beautiful to say" unless you consider fabricated redundancy lovely. It sounds like either a she-sells-seashells-down-by-the-seashore tongue twister or the invention of a snatch who thinks she's got Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones's academic knowledge of antiquity because someone told her that Sappho liked to write poetry about sitting on bitches' faces. I'd rather be called switchyswitchhitter. It's equally cumbersome, but certainly more clear in its meaning.
Hipshe is a logical and practical choice with which to designate those females who have the capacity and moxy to act upon an attraction to those who are biologically similar to, as well as diametrically different from, themselves. Hipshe contains the words she and he, which makes it that much more apropos. What could be better and more hip that that?! Here’s to saying, bye bye to bisexual and thank you to sapphysapphia, from whence came the hip hipshe.I can think of about ten thousand things that could be better and more hip than hipshe. If there is any word that makes getting down with both my special girlfriends and the fellas sound impossibly lame rather than hot and sexy, it's "hipshe." Hipshe doesn't suggest I have "moxy." It suggests that I'm a pain in the ass shrew more concerned with the vernacular than scoring hot pieces. Hipshe is not "logical and practical." It's the condensed homophone of another stupid, fake word nobody has ever heard of before, and it is probably the quickest means to ensuring that people think you are anything but hip. I'm not thanking any bitch for cooking up "sapphysapphia" and "hipshe" and insisting that I use this instead of "bisexual." In fact, I'm telling these hos busy inventing movements that nobody cares to join that they can shut the fuck up about what is logical and practical (like removing references to sex from discussions about sexuality). I'd rather answer to "freak" than "hipshe." "Skank," "trollop," "slut," "bitchfoxly trull" (I don't really know what that means but I read it in a history book about early America in reference to New York prostitutes working the Bowery) and "ho" would also be acceptable.
The day I hear anyone slinging terms like gayelle and hipshe is the day that I decide to embrace asexuality. I would rather never have sex again with anyone (perish the thought) than identify as a hipshe. Luckily, I don't think most of the general public is going to be swayed by the pages of piss-poor poetry (I wrote better material than that when I was fifteen, and my collected works of teenaged verse read like some unholy combination of Sylvia Plath and a Bikini Kill song on Benadryl) or short fiction they include on the site to "excite and entertain" prospective proponents of gayelle and hipshe. Somehow I don't see gayelle being on the tip of every twat-licking tongue anytime soon. Don't go gayelle!
Labels: Daily Douchebag, defiance, feminazism, lezbollah, overcompensation, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, sex, sluts
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Razzy Haters
DOB: various
Occupation: sipping on the Haterade as they send me comments and e-mails
Hometown: from whence morons arise
Current residence: where morons live
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: As my traffic has increased, so has the quantity of e-mail and comments I receive, and I couldn't be happier about that. Surprisingly, I'm not so universally hated that the majority of my correspondence is negative. In fact, it's quite the contrary. I would estimate that 95% of the e-mail and comments I get are overwhelmingly positive and say something along the lines of "you're fucking hilarious" and/or "you're hot, put up more naked pictures." These e-mails warm my black, shriveled heart, and fill me with happy thoughts, and if you've sent me something along those lines and I haven't written you back, know that it's just because I'm really busy and not because I don't care and I don't appreciate your kudos. I appreciate you and your pro-Razzy sentiments VERY much!
However, the OTHER 5% of e-mails and comments also fill me with happy thoughts, even though that is not their intent. This correspondence is from the haters, and it makes one thing very apparent to me. I piss off stupid people. I'm not just saying that these people are stupid because their views don't jive with mine. In real life, I put up just fine with people whose opinions I don't agree with. I also don't think everyone who disagrees with me is a moron; in fact, just the opposite. I respect people who can defend their opinions, however divergent, with a compelling argument, and I think that if everyone agreed with everything I say the world would be a tremendously boring place. That said, the vast majority of people who write me to take issue with something I've posted do NOT have a particularly compelling argument. In fact, clever haterisms (ie my all-time favorite "always the cum dumpster, never the bride") are few and far between. It cheers me immensely to know that people who get pissed about stuff I've written on my personal blog have a heaping helping of stupidity to go along with their indignation and provide me with lots of fodder for mockery. Since it's been awhile that I've posted stuff from the haters, I might as well do so to illustrate how stupid these people generally are.
1. People who bombed the "reading comprehension" questions on their SAT verbal
Yesterday, I got the following comment on the post I wrote a couple weeks back Douchebagging Kanye West's mom:
speechless said...Well, speechless, before I respond, let me oblige your prediction, except with appropriate use of commas: fuck you, fuck that, fuck everything, fuck you, it's my blog, fuck, fuck, fuck, bitch, fuck. Okay, now that I've got that out of the way, let me explain more clearly how I really feel about your position. If you read this post carefully, you would notice that the first couple sentences of it went as follows: "As much as I hate Kanye West for being an insufferable, obnoxious asshole, I did feel bad when his mother died. I would be devastated if my mother passed long before her time, and I don't wish family tragedy on anyone, even an annoying egomaniacal sell-out like Kanye."
This is the only time that I'll ever pipe in.
This is horrible. Judging from your blog, you're going to respond somewhere along the lines of "fuck you fuck that fuck everything fuck you it's my blog, fuck fuck fuck bitch fuck", but I just had to say something.
This is somebody's dead mother that you're talking about, that you're referring to as a bitch. This is the mother of somebody who is mourning. I know you don't seem to have any respect for anyone, but empathy? Even a little bit? This is by far the most cruel thing you've said on this blog. Can't you at least stick to living people...?
I really hope Kanye doesn't read such posts from people like you. I don't know if you know what it's like to lose a parent, but it's the worst thing in the world, and I hope nobody does this to you when you lose a parent.
12/11/2007 5:26 PM
I spent the rest of the post trashing the media for its beatification of Donda West much more than I trashed Donda West herself, and if you think that's the most cruel thing I've ever written, you obviously haven't read my blog extensively. I mean, I've repeatedly wished for the Pope's death! I believe that I did acknowledge that I have some sympathy for Kanye (I can't have empathy since my parents are still alive and well and pretending my website doesn't exist), and I spent much more of my time complaining about the media coverage of Dr. West's passing than about Dr. West herself. So go back to junior high and learn how to intellectually process what you've read, speechless. And I'm terribly sorry about the loss of your parent, because my reading comprehension skills indicate that's probably where your speechlessness is coming from.
2. Crazy lunatics who think they are being extremely clever but just ramble nonsensically
From: Leif Williams (heirsign@sbcglobal.net)This started out promising, as this hater is implying that I'm institutionalized and have pulled some Sarah Conner from Terminator 2-type antics with the security there to get on Blogger and start bloviating for the masses. Extra points to Leif for commenting on my desperate desire for recognition beyond being a lowly science geek; that was most perceptive. However, then Leif gets a little carried away. Implying that I'm actually a M2F tranny is one of the oldest insults in the book, and...YAWN. Being called a "jewannabe" is a new one, but I'm not sure what it means or even if it's an insult. Does Leif think I wish I was Jewish? While I do tend to get on well with members of the tribe (judging by the sheer number of them I've befriended and/or fucked cross-eyed), and while I can eat my own weight in smoked fish, matzoh balls, latkes, and brisket, I am quite comfortable in my own skin. I was born Scandinavian-Irish, and raised Catholic, and that's just fine by me. My Catholic schooling has given me the reputation of being a big skank with solid fellatio skills (a deserved reputation), and I get to brag about being descended from marauding Vikings. That said, I doubt I'd be much different if I had been born and raised Jewish, except maybe I'd be better at managing my money. KIDDING! Also, what is a "186"? The only thing I could find about that in Wikipedia is that 186 A.D. marked the martyrdom of St. Apollonius and the birth of Roman Emperor Caracalla, as well as the year the Gauls staged an anti-tax revolt. Thanks to all the early 90s West Coast rap I've listened to, I know that "187" (ie: "it's 187 on a motherfuckin' cop") means murder, but I'm at a loss for what "186" means. Maybe "186" is police code for "anti-semitic fucktard sending rambling, incoherent e-mail to random bloggers."
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: Angie-o-gram (be still my heart)
Fuck me...clearly you've been stockpiling your meds and have gained access to an on line computer while the guard sleeps....the places the net takes us. I have no idea who you are, though (and rather obviously) your chest thumping blog quells in you some kind of wistful penchant to escape the truly anonymous misery to which you're afraid you'll forever remain ensconced. I thought you were pretty cute 'til I got the closeup pic and started wondering how sooooo much penis envy could emanated from a man who'd switched teams! Hmmm, go figure. I know, 186 pickin' on a jewannabe ain't right. OK brainiac, if you can get past the smolder of cranial singe as you dissect your Lionel Richie lyrics (or whatever you do to bone up on your cognitive skills), then maybe you'll again drop us pearls. Til then, we just fucking PINE baby! Love you always anyway-
Anyway, if this e-mail weren't from someone obviously crazy and/or wasted during its composition, I would take the time to point out that the only lyrics I've ever dissected on this site are those penned by the King/Pied Piper/R-uh of R&B, Robert Sylvester Kelly, not Lionel Richie. While I do love Lionel Richie to the point that LL Cool Jew once gave me a "Lionel Richie Fan Club" t-shirt, I think my readers already know about how awesome "Hello" and "Dancing on the Ceiling" are. What they could benefit from are breakdowns of lyrics like "you're gonna trip, gonna trip, gonna trip, gonna trip when I show you my love jones, babe...and make the room go black," and any heat generated in that process is due to overriding lust for R. Kells rather than "cranial singe." In fact, the only "cranial singe" I experienced was a result at trying to make sense of Leif's desperate and ultimately futile attempts at seeming erudite and articulate.
3. Bitchy tools who just WILL NOT STAND for posts I've written disparaging John Mayer
From: Sam Montague (samoose78@hotmail.com)Okay, so I may be so busy with my "main stream" metal bands of the late 80s to appreciate underground talent that NOBODY except true musical aficionados knows about like John Mayer. Maybe if I listened to more of this indie, not-at-all-mainstream (except for the Gap and Volkswagen commercials he stars in) musical genius known as John Mayer, I could appreciate that his work with a Fender Stratocaster makes Saul "Slash" Hudson look like a pussy and a hack. Then again, I take Sam's credentials as a guitar critic with a grain of salt since he can't even spell Jimi Hendrix's name properly. So, sorry, Sam, I stand by my opinion that John Mayer not only sucks, he is still the world's most unfuckable rock star. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree. And if Sam wants to question my musical credibility, I've been playing the piano since I was six (thus for TWENTY-THREE YEARS), and I probably could mop the floor with his ass in a musical theory contest. Just because John Mayer can incorporate a few used-ass blues riffs into his songs doesn't make him fucking Chopin or Brahms, and if he wants to knock my boys Frederic or Johann, we're going to have some problems. Problems like a slutty stiletto-heeled boot to Sam's nutsack kind of problems. Trust.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: response to article...read!
just responding about the article you posted about the singer/singwriter John Mayer. it is obvious that you are ill acquainted when it comes to the world of music. I am sure that the cliched, main-stream, bogan rock musicians such as Metallica and the "Original Guns 'n' Roses" can certainly act tough and play the part of a rock star, but they are nowhere near as musically talented as the great John Mayer. John mayer handles a strat in the same league as the past greats such as jimmy hendrix and stevie ray vaughan. he is a master at the guitar, and an overwhelmingly talented singer. He doesn't even have to try to play the past of a rockstar.... he is beyond that. He plays the guitar and sings because he loves doing it, and hes great at it.. he doesnt try to play the role of a rockster. with his mixture of blues and pop he is in a league of his own. and its nice of you to rip on him about his girlfriend.... although im pretty sure a little whiney bitching geek like yourself could pull much more attractive women than jessica simpson... right?? And heres a suggestion for you Razzy....... grow some fucking musical taste you insensitive wheener and fuck off.
And I do pull way hotter bitches than Jessica Simpson. Hotter dudes, too.
4. Haters who don't need--or are unable to adequately articulate--a reason
From: James Ryder (jamesryder49@yahoo.co.uk)Oh, okay, thanks, James. Good to know. Why, exactly? Despite several e-mails inquiring about how I achieved my pathetic state, James refused to elaborate. I came to the conclusion that this is probably because writing is not his strong suit. Just to see who was calling me pathetic, though, I went to the world's largest online moron clearinghouse: MySpace. Sure enough, James has a MySpace page which also contains a noticeable dearth of descriptive prose. I broke down in tears when I saw the angelic visage of the terse fellow calling me "pathetic." Tears of laughter!
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: [No Subject]
you are pathetic
5. Militant lesbian feminazis
From: Wanda Jennings (wandamonium@activist.com)Oh, I'm setting the gays back 200 years by making fun of Rosie O'Donnell being a hard-headed asshole and a shitty writer? How does that work, when I'm doing it on "a stupid blog that nobody reads anyway"? Sorry, Wanda, I didn't realize how much damage I was doing to the cause. I guess I'll go back to writing about clothes and my boyfriend. It will be a relief, because when I'm going off on whatever Razzified hotness I'm going off on any given day, I'm secretly resisting the overpowering urge to write instead about "normal hetero shit." Oh wait...I'm NOT STRAIGHT, so nevermind.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: stop it
i read your post about ro and boy you sure have a lot of nerve. straight girls like you need to stop it and stop it now. i hate when you say you are bi when you are not so you can impress guys and act like you have a leg to stand on when writing homophobic drivel like you do constantly. you are not bi or lesbian so stop pretending. its incredibly offensive to real lesbians and the queer community. i don't understand why people like you who are HETERO decide to be bisexual all of a sudden when its convenient for your stupid blog but it is degradory to all who suffer the daily struggle of being queer in a hetero world and we don't appreciate it. it negates what we go through every day when you say you are bi just to drag the name of someone who has struggled to fight for us and our rights through the mud or because you think boys will like you if you kiss some other straight girl once in a while. maybe you don't realize the damage you are doing but everyone who has ever been called a dyke or a fag would agree that all their strength and sacrifices are undone by your careless ranting about something you know nothing about. i warn you to go back to writing about clothes and your boyfriend and normal hetero shit pardon my french because you have no right to speak for us when it suits you. i won't leave you alone. i'm a strong lesbian woman and proud of it and we will not tolerate you setting us back 200 years just so you can write a stupid blog that nobody reads anyway. wanda
You know what is worse for the gays than someone being outright homophobic? Stupid dykes like Wanda who seem to think that because they have come out of the closet and braved adversity for being gay, they are the world's ultimate authority on sexuality. Case in point: Wanda, for telling me that I'm not really bisexual. She's got her mind made up that I only kiss girls so I can write about it on my blog. Actually, I hook up with them because it's hot, and because it gets me off, and I don't consider "kissing" and "fucking" to be the same thing unless Wanda is referring to the Lil' Kim lyric where she exhorts her partner to "kiss the lips with no teeth." While I'm sure the dudes who have participated in various threesomes I've had did enjoy watching me get it on with the other chick, I've had plenty of one-on-one girl sex too and liked it just as much (if not more) than when I've had a penis-bearing audience. And I don't need to be bisexual to attract men, because my hot rack does that well enough on its own. Wanda probably thinks of herself as very open-minded, but this e-mail indicates quite clearly that fundamentalists neo-conservatives don't have the market cornered on exclusionary, rigid, unrealistic attitudes about human sexuality that do more harm than good.
What Wanda really needs is to quit reading Rosie O'Donnell's lolcat blog, trim her rat tail, and buy a decent vibrator, because the one she's got is clearly not doing the job. I can only imagine that the reason some uptight dyke took it upon herself to dictate to me what my sexual orientation is and how I should behave accordingly is because she's a frigid bitch who spends far more time being enraged than enjoying the sexuality she carries like a damn battle standard. Fuck you, Wanda, and all your hypocritical militant lezbot bullshit too. Oh, and "degradory" isn't a word.
I have some more hate mail to rag on, but it's getting late and I have a busy day at the old laboratory, so I'll have to save that for another time. In the interim, however, let's all give thanks for the Razzy Haters! Their correspondence provides me with ample mirth and joy. Thank you for sharing your poorly conceived, badly punctuated, appallingly spelled, barely intelligible, inadequately reasoned, and generally idiotic thoughts on why I suck. This truly makes my day.
Labels: correspondence, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, feminazism, intentional buffoonery, John Mayer sucks, lezbollah, Razzy Haters, retard rage
Monday, November 05, 2007
I TOLD you Kristeen Young sucked!
When I went to the Morrissey concert the week before last, my crew lingered at the German restaurant where we were indulging in pre-Morrissey sausages, schnitzel, and beer to ensure we missed the lame-ass opening act. Unfortunately, we still managed to catch the last few songs of the opening act, some chick named Kristeen Young. When we walked in, MIss Corbutt turned to me and goes, "Did we just walk into Olympia, Washington circa 1992?" I replied, "Got a pen? Because I need to write 'RIOT GRRL' on my knuckles." Seriously, this dumb slag might as well have asked 15-year-old feminazi poetry writing Razzy to decorate her keyboard for her:
We both rolled our eyes, and as if she could read our minds, Kristeen noted that she was about to play her last song. Thank GOD.
Morrissey'sHair was blowing up my spot via text all throughout the show, and I made a point to complain about this Kristeen snatch to him.
While I would be flattered if someone gave my oral sex skills a positive review, Morrissey was most certainly not. I don't blame him for being mad that this outdated hooker was dragging his good name through the mud by claiming that even though Morrissey is a vegan, he still eats the occasional bearded clam. I mean, I'm sure Morrissey can suck a mean dick, but to suggest that he'd hit that sack of Bikini Kill-influenced tits is just a straight-up insult. And thus, Kristeen Young was fired. HA!
If only her dismissal had taken effect immediately, and thus saved me the annoyance of hearing two and a half Kristeen Young jams. I think the only one who didn't mind her was J-Sexy, and that's only because while J-Sexy likes "Mahrissey", she isn't particularly familiar with his entire repertoire and was there mostly to have a novel experience. During the show, she kept saying, "I wish he would play that 'Playboy' song, I don't know these other songs." At that moment, he was playing "How Soon Is Now" and I said, "But J-Sexy, this is like the most famous Smiths song." She gave one of her typical imperious shrugs. Classic.
Morrissey'sHair was blowing up my spot via text all throughout the show, and I made a point to complain about this Kristeen snatch to him.
Razzy: U have no idea how bad this ho opening sux. Morrissey i'm sure hates her. Stupd generic lezbot.Well, as it turns out, Morrissey's love for Kristeen Young has run out. Apparently at the show a couple days before the one I attended, some audience member was sick of listening to her caterwaul and called out for Morrissey. Kristeen Young responded, "Morrissey gives great head...I mean, cunnilingus."
Morrissey'sHair: Kristeen Young? Moz loves her.
Razzy: Ugh. I guess he was also a pnw lez circa 92 then.
While I would be flattered if someone gave my oral sex skills a positive review, Morrissey was most certainly not. I don't blame him for being mad that this outdated hooker was dragging his good name through the mud by claiming that even though Morrissey is a vegan, he still eats the occasional bearded clam. I mean, I'm sure Morrissey can suck a mean dick, but to suggest that he'd hit that sack of Bikini Kill-influenced tits is just a straight-up insult. And thus, Kristeen Young was fired. HA!
If only her dismissal had taken effect immediately, and thus saved me the annoyance of hearing two and a half Kristeen Young jams. I think the only one who didn't mind her was J-Sexy, and that's only because while J-Sexy likes "Mahrissey", she isn't particularly familiar with his entire repertoire and was there mostly to have a novel experience. During the show, she kept saying, "I wish he would play that 'Playboy' song, I don't know these other songs." At that moment, he was playing "How Soon Is Now" and I said, "But J-Sexy, this is like the most famous Smiths song." She gave one of her typical imperious shrugs. Classic.
Labels: comeuppance, feminazism, J-Sexy, lezbollah, Miss Corbutt, Morrissey'sHair, overcompensation, sluts
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Manhattan Mini Storage
Name: Manhattan Mini Storage
DOB: N/A
Occupation: providing storage solutions to New Yorkers living in tiny shoebox apartments, producing shocking print ads
Hometown: Manhattan
Current residence: Manhattan, specifically the West Side Highway around 42nd Street
Douchebaggery: Manhattan Mini Storage has produced several amusing ads in the past that offended or bothered some people, including this one, which earned a nasty letter from Paris Hilton's attorneys:
Filled with hubris after their Paris Hilton and Bush-bashing ads, no doubt, the Manhattan Mini Storage marketing department decided to up the ante and think that everyone would all appreciate a political commentary about the abortion debate which has raged on and divided America for decades. It succeeded in the sense that it got everyone driving down the West Side Highway's attention, but failed miserably in the sense that I doubt it will inspire anyone except possibly the most strident feminazi to store their winter coats there. I'm obviously pro-choice, but I don't need a fucking mini storage company validating my opinions with their fucking billboards, nor remind me of the delightful back-alley medical experiences enjoyed by ladies looking to de-preg themselves prior to Roe v. Wade as part of a shameless attempt to sell long-term storage lockers. Do they actually expect people to be like, "Yeah! Keep abortion safe and legal!" as they shove their old college textbooks into a storage unit? Because most people don't run down the political checklist of the company before choosing a $99 per month storage unit, and thinking they do so is just plain idiotic.
There is such a thing as bad publicity when you're trying to sell a product or service. Bad publicity may help celebretards like Paris Hilton and Britney Spears stay famous on gossip rags and the internets, but it definitely doesn't help one's image as a reputable mini storage company. Manhattan Mini Storage just took a position that 50% of America VEHEMENTLY disagrees with, and they just halved their potential market. With business decisions that stupid, I wouldn't trust them to keep a sackful of empty Heineken bottles safely stored away at their warehouse on 107 and Columbus.
Sometimes, bad publicity doesn't really hurt a company, even if it compels a few people to say, "No thanks, I'm not buying your agenda" with regard to a product. When I was at Smith, there were always one or two dumb girls who would refuse to eat Domino's Pizza because the CEO was pro-life or something. "That pizza is eroding your rights!" these hookers would say. I would say, "So what? It's two a.m. and they're the only place open, and I want cheesy bread." Besides, it's not like my Cinnamon Stix order is going to change the CEO's views, and it's not like the CEO's views are going to seriously impact Supreme Court decisions about abortion. There are probably ten million other products these moronic snatches used run by companies with conservative or pro-life people in executive positions or on the board, and is your overprivileged, Connecticut-born-and-bred, I-took-one-women's-studies-class-and-now-I-know-everything-about-right-and-wrong ass going to boycott every single one of them? I think not. One of my friends, who is a hugely paranoid conspiracy nut, always refuses to go to Dunkin Donuts because they are owned by the Carlyle Group, her conglomerate of choice for associating with all the evil acts in history, and that to me is the same thing. Again, I like D'n D's iced coffee, and I don't give a damn if they are owned by Satan himself. My choosing to buy iced coffee elsewhere isn't going to change shady deals the Carlyle Group makes with OPEC and the Saudis, or whatever. However, these are isolated cases of someone hearing something somewhere about some company and deciding to arbitrarily boycott it to be a pain in the ass for people who want pizza when they are drunk or iced coffee when they are thirsty or tired. This is not like putting a damn billboard advertising your services using what is meant to be a cute commentary on the abortion debate on the fucking West Side Highway for all of Manhattan and New Jersey to see. That is like saying, "Hey, 50% of you...we DON'T WANT YOUR BUSINESS! Don't rent our storage units!" It also guarantees that I'll see naught but a bunch of sanctimonious Smithies storing their old Ani DiFranco CDs and yammering incessantly about their happiness concerning the feminist consciousness of their storage company at their facility.
Successful businesses are concerned about their images because they want to SELL THEIR PRODUCTS, which is what advertising is supposed to do. When Kate Moss got busted blowing lines by some British tabloid, half of the companies hiring her for their campaigns dropped her ass like the busted, used-looking cokewhore she is. When Kobe Bryant was accused of rape, McDonald's told him to fuck right off and pulled their Kobe ads off TV. When Michael Vick was indicted for dogfighting, Nike immediately suspended sales of all his endorsed products. When Bill O'Reilly called for a boycott of Pepsi because of their hiring Ludacris as a spokesperson, and all the stupid Factorphiles who agree with O'Reilly that lyrics like "we can do it in the Georgia Dome on the 50-yard-line, while the Dirrty Birds kick for three" are harmful and damaging to children obliged with said boycott, Pepsi fired Ludacris. Companies do not want to advertise their products with marketing imagery and themes that seriously turn off a substantial part of their consumer base. While I'd normally applaud Manhattan Mini Storage for not shying away from controversy, I can't get over the fact that they are so arrogant and foolish as to think that they will see an increase in business by employing an advertising strategy featuring imagery favored by aggressive pro-choice activists. The abortion issue is complex and deeply polarizing, and whatever marketing executive came up with that idea should be summarily fired.
Needless to say, if they ever go public, I'm not buying that stock. That shit's going to tank worse than the ill-advised investment I made in Krispy Kreme five years ago. I applaud risk-taking in business, but only if it's calculated, and I can't imagine what sort of strategically retarded dumbass greenlighted this. They'll be calling up Morrissey'sHair's New York counterparts for a bankruptcy filing within two years. For real.
Labels: capitalism, Daily Douchebag, Dumb Smith bitches, feminazism, oh the horror, retard rage, Title 11 United States Code
Sunday, August 12, 2007
It's a DUMB BITCHES TROVE, not a women's college
I went on Facebook today, which is something I rarely do. Somehow I got talked into getting on Facebook, much as I've been talked into venturing my e-self onto Friendster and MySpace in the past. Much like its predecessors, Facebook now is yet another thing that I hate yet feel obligated to occasionally maintain, lest I offend active people in my network who may have messaged or commented or tagged or poked or smiled at or otherwise e-harassed me. Unlike Friendster or MySpace, Facebook has this feature called a "Mini-Feed" where they provide me with "news"...aka whatever banal shit other people have done to tweak their profiles or the groups they've joined. I saw that one of my fellow Smith alumnae has joined this group, and proceeded with having a mini-stroke when I looked at it. I realized that I have some issues to address with the bitch who founded this "Common Interest--Beliefs and Causes" networking node:
Okay, for starters, if you are so pissed off about semantics, then maybe you should learn how to use the PLURAL POSSESSIVE PROPERLY. It's WOMEN'S college, not WOMAN's college...dumbass. Unless, of course, like most of the knuckle-dragging, mustachioed hookers that went to school with me at Smith, you are thinking exclusively of yourself, in which case "girls' school" should have been "girl's school." Keep it grammatically consistent, you overcompensating, pompous twat!
Second, nice use of a picture of a stupid little brat wearing a fucking ERA shirt! The ERA! COME ON! That shit crashed and burned over thirty years ago. If you are truly trying to spout some "Yay! Victory for semantic hair-splitting feminism!" line, at least go with Rosie the Riveter. Rosie motivated bitches to pick up the slack in war-machine manufacturing, and if nothing else, that was productive. The ERA tanked harder than "Joe Millionaire 2." I mean, good idea, but it was already in the Constitution and you privileged, $30,000-a-year-school-attending bitches should be glad we've got the damn vote. If that seminal "Man Show" episode where they convinced a number of random ladies to sign a petition fighting "women's suffrage" is any indication, most woMEN don't actually even appreciate that basic right, so before you get all hot and bothered about what someone calls your foofy, troll-infested ugly factory of a liberal arts college, make sure the offender is sufficiently literate and verbose to understand your beef. Furthermore, that bitch in the ERA shirt is holding a sign saying "girls are strong." Isn't the point of this whole group devoted to not using the term "girls?" Your politically correct standards of term usage are INCONSISTENT...dumbass.
And as far as your consequences...well, I find it hilarious that some undoubtedly stupid, self-righteous Smith girl with no tits and a fugly-ass mock turt beneath a "A Woman Needs A Man Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle" shirt wants to threaten me or anyone else who calls Smith/Mount Holyoke/Wellesley/Bryn Mawr/Barnard/Simmons a "girls' school" with a bitch-slapping into next week. The same girl who wrote this probably is spending her post-grad years working for some worthless non-profit dedicated to fighting some form of violence, so not only is that a severely empty threat, it's also extraordinarily hypocritical. Quit making the rest of us "girls' school" graduates look as moronic as you are. I have better things to get pissed off about than this:
Razzy: I went to Smith College.
Person I'm Talking To: Isn't that a girls' school?
WHO CARES?! Usually that is followed with "Smith is a good school" or "I heard there's a lot of lesbians there." Either way, nothing's wrong with that! Nobody thinks that "we are 12 and learning to drink tea and sit like a lady." Most people think we're either learning our trade and/or learning how to lick snatch properly, both of which are admirable pursuits. Besides, for me, there are only two ways I can see that conversation ending, and both are inordinately positive:
WAY #1:
Razzy: I went to Smith College.
Person I'm Talking To: Isn't that a girls' school?
Razzy: Totally. I pissed off lots of bitches there. I also narrowed down the mechanism by which RimJ transcriptionally regulates fimbrial gene expression in E. coli. And I was Associate Editor of the school paper. I am an exceptional woman.
Person I'm Talking To: Want a job and/or admission to an Ivy League graduate school?
OR
WAY #2:
Razzy: I went to Smith College.
Person I'm Talking To: Isn't that a girls' school?
Razzy: Totally. I pissed off lots of bitches there. I also narrowed down the mechanism by which RimJ transcriptionally regulates fimbrial gene expression in E. coli. And I was Associate Editor of the school paper. I am an exceptional woman.
Person I'm Talking To: Did you have sex with chicks while you were there?
Razzy: Not really. Only one time when I made an amateur porn. But it was two chicks at the same time. I'm freaky like that.
Person I'm Talking To: My place or yours?
In other words, NOBODY cares what term is employed to describe Smith or any other woMEN'S college. Nobody thinks that because I went to a "girls' school" like Smith, I'm not smart. They usually think I'm smart and/or gay, and when I demonstrate the humorous abilities my intelligence permits and establish that I'm lesbish because I'm a slutty nympho lush...PARTY ON, dudes! People who are actually intelligent don't squander their energies getting upset about their insecurities concerning the words used to describe the expensive, pretentious school where they got their undergraduate degree. Since I am an "intelligent, well-informed, confident" woman, I can attest that I have better things to do than waste my precious time getting pissed off about which words people choose to describe my alma mater. The whole "confident" part indicates that I don't need to expend my energy flipping out about that. In fact, it's a better use of my time chastising the stupid whores making embarrassing Facebook groups that make graduates of "woMEN'S colleges" look like petty, trivial, insecure cuntrags who probably still live with their parents in Connecticut. If you have nothing better to do than spend your time uploading retarded pictures found by a "classic feminist history" Google search and busting the indifferent chops of people who have different tastes in word choice than you, then maybe you should log out of Facebook, get your fat, spreading ass off the chair in your parents' study, and go GET A DAMN JOB! If you do, this will probably seem entirely less significant.
And just for fun:
I WENT TO SMITH COLLEGE...IT'S A GIRLS' SCHOOL.
Okay, for starters, if you are so pissed off about semantics, then maybe you should learn how to use the PLURAL POSSESSIVE PROPERLY. It's WOMEN'S college, not WOMAN's college...dumbass. Unless, of course, like most of the knuckle-dragging, mustachioed hookers that went to school with me at Smith, you are thinking exclusively of yourself, in which case "girls' school" should have been "girl's school." Keep it grammatically consistent, you overcompensating, pompous twat!
Second, nice use of a picture of a stupid little brat wearing a fucking ERA shirt! The ERA! COME ON! That shit crashed and burned over thirty years ago. If you are truly trying to spout some "Yay! Victory for semantic hair-splitting feminism!" line, at least go with Rosie the Riveter. Rosie motivated bitches to pick up the slack in war-machine manufacturing, and if nothing else, that was productive. The ERA tanked harder than "Joe Millionaire 2." I mean, good idea, but it was already in the Constitution and you privileged, $30,000-a-year-school-attending bitches should be glad we've got the damn vote. If that seminal "Man Show" episode where they convinced a number of random ladies to sign a petition fighting "women's suffrage" is any indication, most woMEN don't actually even appreciate that basic right, so before you get all hot and bothered about what someone calls your foofy, troll-infested ugly factory of a liberal arts college, make sure the offender is sufficiently literate and verbose to understand your beef. Furthermore, that bitch in the ERA shirt is holding a sign saying "girls are strong." Isn't the point of this whole group devoted to not using the term "girls?" Your politically correct standards of term usage are INCONSISTENT...dumbass.
And as far as your consequences...well, I find it hilarious that some undoubtedly stupid, self-righteous Smith girl with no tits and a fugly-ass mock turt beneath a "A Woman Needs A Man Like a Fish Needs a Bicycle" shirt wants to threaten me or anyone else who calls Smith/Mount Holyoke/Wellesley/Bryn Mawr/Barnard/Simmons a "girls' school" with a bitch-slapping into next week. The same girl who wrote this probably is spending her post-grad years working for some worthless non-profit dedicated to fighting some form of violence, so not only is that a severely empty threat, it's also extraordinarily hypocritical. Quit making the rest of us "girls' school" graduates look as moronic as you are. I have better things to get pissed off about than this:
Razzy: I went to Smith College.
Person I'm Talking To: Isn't that a girls' school?
WHO CARES?! Usually that is followed with "Smith is a good school" or "I heard there's a lot of lesbians there." Either way, nothing's wrong with that! Nobody thinks that "we are 12 and learning to drink tea and sit like a lady." Most people think we're either learning our trade and/or learning how to lick snatch properly, both of which are admirable pursuits. Besides, for me, there are only two ways I can see that conversation ending, and both are inordinately positive:
WAY #1:
Razzy: I went to Smith College.
Person I'm Talking To: Isn't that a girls' school?
Razzy: Totally. I pissed off lots of bitches there. I also narrowed down the mechanism by which RimJ transcriptionally regulates fimbrial gene expression in E. coli. And I was Associate Editor of the school paper. I am an exceptional woman.
Person I'm Talking To: Want a job and/or admission to an Ivy League graduate school?
OR
WAY #2:
Razzy: I went to Smith College.
Person I'm Talking To: Isn't that a girls' school?
Razzy: Totally. I pissed off lots of bitches there. I also narrowed down the mechanism by which RimJ transcriptionally regulates fimbrial gene expression in E. coli. And I was Associate Editor of the school paper. I am an exceptional woman.
Person I'm Talking To: Did you have sex with chicks while you were there?
Razzy: Not really. Only one time when I made an amateur porn. But it was two chicks at the same time. I'm freaky like that.
Person I'm Talking To: My place or yours?
In other words, NOBODY cares what term is employed to describe Smith or any other woMEN'S college. Nobody thinks that because I went to a "girls' school" like Smith, I'm not smart. They usually think I'm smart and/or gay, and when I demonstrate the humorous abilities my intelligence permits and establish that I'm lesbish because I'm a slutty nympho lush...PARTY ON, dudes! People who are actually intelligent don't squander their energies getting upset about their insecurities concerning the words used to describe the expensive, pretentious school where they got their undergraduate degree. Since I am an "intelligent, well-informed, confident" woman, I can attest that I have better things to do than waste my precious time getting pissed off about which words people choose to describe my alma mater. The whole "confident" part indicates that I don't need to expend my energy flipping out about that. In fact, it's a better use of my time chastising the stupid whores making embarrassing Facebook groups that make graduates of "woMEN'S colleges" look like petty, trivial, insecure cuntrags who probably still live with their parents in Connecticut. If you have nothing better to do than spend your time uploading retarded pictures found by a "classic feminist history" Google search and busting the indifferent chops of people who have different tastes in word choice than you, then maybe you should log out of Facebook, get your fat, spreading ass off the chair in your parents' study, and go GET A DAMN JOB! If you do, this will probably seem entirely less significant.
And just for fun:
I WENT TO SMITH COLLEGE...IT'S A GIRLS' SCHOOL.
Labels: Dumb Smith bitches, feminazism, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments
Friday, March 02, 2007
Different class, same old bullshit
Yesterday I got an email from JerseyGirl:
To: Rack (rack@fashiondesigncompany.com), LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@dirrtydirrtynewspaper.com), FalloniusMonk (fmonk@bighugecorporateexperientialmarketingfirm.com), Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
From: JerseyGirl (jerseygirl@freedomlovingnewsnetwork.com)
this makes me upset. why couldn't we have gloria steinem? as i recall, ll cool jew, you and i had someone named lani gunier and i literally do not remember one word that she spoke. oh yes and then there was the infamous vagina artist. this sucks, i'm jealous.
After getting over my initial amusement that JerseyGirl is still a regular reader of the Sophian five years after her stint as editor-in-chief of that illustrious publication, I experienced indignance of a different sort about my alma mater's choice of commencement speaker. That's the laziest, most uninspired selection of speaker ever. It's even worse than when they booked Judy Chicago, the aforementioned "infamous vagina artist", for my commencement because Jodie Foster bailed at the last minute out of concern that Hollywood's worst kept secret (that she's a dyke) might get out if she wished my class at Ugly Bitch U lots of success. (And incidentally, our Sophian coverage was way better than the boring sycophantic article above; I believe we put the headline "Can you hear the Smithies crying, Claireeeece?" above Foster's picture on the front page.) Scheduling Gloria Steinem is like the people who kiss celebrity ass for commencement speaker gigs didn't even try.
Gloria Steinem, "feminist icon" (which I'm is what she lists as her occupation on her tax return), went to Smith, is on the Smith Board of Trustees, and was always rustling her hideous high-waisted corduroy pants and batik peasant blouses all over campus. I've personally seen Gloria Steinem like 50 fucking times skulking about College Hall. I even dressed up as her for Halloween once. She might as well have been the Smith College mascot. The lazy administrators and trustees on the speaker-choosing committee probably were like, "Hmm...let's see. Madeline Albright? Oh,
To: Rack (rack@fashiondesigncompany.com), LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@dirrtydirrtynewspaper.com), FalloniusMonk (fmonk@bighugecorporateexperientialmarketingfirm.com), Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
From: JerseyGirl (jerseygirl@freedomlovingnewsnetwork.com)
this makes me upset. why couldn't we have gloria steinem? as i recall, ll cool jew, you and i had someone named lani gunier and i literally do not remember one word that she spoke. oh yes and then there was the infamous vagina artist. this sucks, i'm jealous.
After getting over my initial amusement that JerseyGirl is still a regular reader of the Sophian five years after her stint as editor-in-chief of that illustrious publication, I experienced indignance of a different sort about my alma mater's choice of commencement speaker. That's the laziest, most uninspired selection of speaker ever. It's even worse than when they booked Judy Chicago, the aforementioned "infamous vagina artist", for my commencement because Jodie Foster bailed at the last minute out of concern that Hollywood's worst kept secret (that she's a dyke) might get out if she wished my class at Ugly Bitch U lots of success. (And incidentally, our Sophian coverage was way better than the boring sycophantic article above; I believe we put the headline "Can you hear the Smithies crying, Claireeeece?" above Foster's picture on the front page.) Scheduling Gloria Steinem is like the people who kiss celebrity ass for commencement speaker gigs didn't even try.
Gloria Steinem, "feminist icon" (which I'm is what she lists as her occupation on her tax return), went to Smith, is on the Smith Board of Trustees, and was always rustling her hideous high-waisted corduroy pants and batik peasant blouses all over campus. I've personally seen Gloria Steinem like 50 fucking times skulking about College Hall. I even dressed up as her for Halloween once. She might as well have been the Smith College mascot. The lazy administrators and trustees on the speaker-choosing committee probably were like, "Hmm...let's see. Madeline Albright? Oh,