Friday, November 14, 2008
Supreme Court rules 5-4 against Hayden Panettiere
I've never watched "Heroes," but that hasn't stopped me from hating Hayden Panettiere. First off, "Heroes" looks like a dumb show, and second, this dumb bitch was annoying me before she could vote. About a year ago, Hayden decided to get together with her whale-saving friends to make a failed attempt at disrupting a traditional Japanese long-pole dolphin hunt. LL Cool Jew's "low-simmer distaste...overboiled into full-fledged disgust" at this incident to the point that she actually took a moment to douchebag her. I proceeded to get even more irritated with her when she decided to open up her dicksucking hole during the democratic primaries and declare her allegiance for whichever candidate loves the whales. That irritation grew into a heartfelt deathwish once she started trashing my ancestral homeland. Now, Hayden has managed to piss off an even more august body of critics than myself and LL Cool Jew. Specifically, she has gotten on the bad side of these respectable titans of constitutional justice:
Yes, the other day, the United States Supreme Court ruled 5-4 against Hayden Panettiere. Okay, so of COURSE David Souter and Ruth Bader Ginsburg dissented entirely, but I can't trust a bitch who wears a doily around her neck anyway. And okay, FINE, they weren't exactly ruling against Hayden Panettiere so much as the Greenpeace hippie types trying to stop the Navy from playing with their underwater sonar equipment, but they basically said a big "fuck you" to echolocating whales off the coast of southern California. Assuming that Hayden's dumb ass decides to put down her elderly Japanese fisherman-disrupting surfboard and pick up a newspaper, she might recognize that it's not just a handful of rural folk from other cultures wreaking havoc on her beloved whales. It's the entire United States Navy, and her precious cetaceans aren't going to get in the way of the War on Terror.
Of course, Hayden is probably too busy showing off her coochie-cutter boxer briefs to Ellen Degeneres (adding further credence to LL Cool Jew's prophecy that Hayden's whale-loving ways doesn't mean she doesn't have a seat saved at the sushi bar, if you get my drift-net) to pay attention to the Supreme Court's decision that national security is more important than whales jabbering at each other in their John Tesh instrumental-esque language. I'm sure, however, once she realizes that our highest judicial body gave the finger to terrorist whalesong, she'll trade in those Ellen granny panties and taped-up strapless sweetheart top for an ugly sweatshirt demanding that everyone boycott the Navy along with Japanese, Norwegian, and Icelandic exports.
Therefore, before she catches on, I'm going to enjoy my last few remaining days of gloating-over-Hayden-Panettiere sentiment with a nice dolphin-unfriendly tuna melt. It's both a celebration of the Supreme Court owning her bitch ass and a salute to her latent lesbianism. Here's to you, Hayden...or as my whale-devouring Norwegian relatives would say, "Skoal!"
Labels: celebrities, fuck the planet, legal drama, lezbollah, media whores, retard rage, sluts
Friday, June 06, 2008
Forecast for Seattle: the sucking balls continues
In addition to enforcing bullshit policies against watching two hot ladies play tonsil hockey at Mariners games, Seattle continues its tradition of attempted (and failed) politically correct lameness. According to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, the city is contemplating banning beach bonfires because they contribute to global warming.
Good idea, Seattle. Let everyone know that when it comes to the environment, you are not only the most annoyingly self-righteous city in America, you are also the dumbest. Because while surely the bonfires at Alki Beach do emit some evil ozone-destroying, planet-warming carbon, so do the trillions of fucking SUVs that clog every single one of your freeways, except exponentially more. "But the people of Seattle are so fucking green, Razzy!" you might say. "I've read about how they all love to throw on their REI fleeces and hit the many beautiful hiking spots in the P-N-Dub! I've watched 'Gray's Anatomy'! I like Death Cab for Cutie! The people of Seattle are obnoxious, smug pseudo-intellectual liberals who love the outdoors and sit around at coffeeshops worshiping Al Gore! Seattle loves the environment! How could it be that they are among the most gaz-guzzling car addicts on the West Coast?"
I'll tell you how that can be: public transportation in Seattle sucks, as it indicates the engineering skills you would expect from the great minds who unwittingly named their trolley "the SLUT." When I lived in Tacoma, I worked in Seattle and drove the 35 miles each way up I-5 every day. I would have loved to take the Sounder, the light rail commuter train that the region unleashed with great fanfare. However, the Sounder was more expensive than driving (although that may not be true now that gas prices are about twice what they were in 2000-2003), ran only 3 times in the morning and 3 times at night, and ended up in a spot in Seattle where I'd either have to walk over a mile up a very, VERY steep hill to work or take two notoriously inefficient buses. Even worse, if I had to work late and miss the last Sounder back to Tacoma, I would have to take the bus, which is not only infuriatingly slow (even the express bus), but would drop me off at a different location in Tacoma over a mile away from the Sounder Park and Ride in one of the worst parts of town. The only thing I can say to the prospect of me walking past all the hookers and crackheads on Puyallup Avenue in my business slutty work clothes after dark is a vehement SHA RIGHT. It was cheaper and easier to cope with the traffic by rolling solo in my Honda Civic. Most everyone else living outside Seattle, whether down south like me, on the east side in Bellevue, or north in Everett, thought so too. Hence there were so many single person occupancy vehicles on the road that it would sometimes take me almost two hours to make the trip between Seattle and Tacoma.
There are many things I love about the P-N-Dub. And as much as its residents and social scene annoys me, Seattle is a beautiful city with amazing seafood and a hot fucking NFL team. However, the outrageous stupidity of the ecologically-minded powers that be continues to amaze me. Rather than devise effective, meaningful new mass transit solutions or create incentives for people to car pool or drive hybrid vehicles or do SOMETHING that would fix the appallingly bad traffic problems, Seattle thinks that it should ban beach fires. Congratulations, Seattle, on letting the world know that your city leaders are not only dumb as a box of fucking rocks and completely ineffective at realizing its do-gooder goals for the planet, but no fun whatsoever. At this point there's a 90% likelihood that I'll be coming out to the P-N-Dub this August to squire my pal JerseyGirl around and show her the sights, and we'll make sure to build a beach fire to rival the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory just to be assholes. Fuck your beach burn ban, Seattle.
Labels: fuck the planet, P-N-Dub, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, tyrannical rulers
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Go Heineken!
I've usually been staunchly against environmentalism. Not because I hate the planet or enjoy pollution, but because I find environmentalists infuriatingly annoying. I about lost it when Al Gore got the Nobel Peace Prize for what LL Cool Jew called a "Chicken Little Power Point presentation." Like their demigod, Al Gore, the tree huggers of the world are insufferably pretentious about their stupid carbon footprints and the adjustments they've made in order to "go green." I resent being condescended to and lectured by people who have done little more than change a few lightbulbs and buy an extra trash can for recyclables.
Even in college, before eco-friendliness became as in vogue as it is today, my hatred of earth-lovers was well-known. I would run around turning on the house parlor lights after the "Energy Czarina" turned them off every night just to be an asshole. My ex-boyfriend Benzo once talked me into renting the movie Cannonball Run on the basis that "the bad guys are environmentalists!" Well, that, and Burt Reynolds is in it, but I digress. I've always resisted getting worked up about the environment, because no matter how much I recycle or install thermostat timers or drive hybrids, my actions aren't going to fix the hole in the ozone currently blowing up thanks to China's cheap air conditioners.
However, now I think I've finally found an environmental cause I can get behind, thanks to the continually excellent investigative work performed by the greatest newspaper in the history of journalism, the New York Post. On the Post's website this morning, I was deeply alarmed to see these grim tidings:
I've always thought climate change in the form of higher temperatures seemed like a good thing. I wouldn't complain if I could wear skirts and open-toed sandals all year long. I could care less about rising sea levels or whether the polar bears can survive warm weather (and according to "Lost," they do just fine in the tropical clime of the South Pacific), but an ecological threat to beer is something I simply cannot abide. According to the article, "high beer prices are on tap" due to "radical shifts in weather and more parched lands [are] making it harder to grow grains and hops." NOOOOOOOO!!!!
I'm already poor and I can't afford to pay more than the already ridiculous $10 a six-pack I currently cough up for my beautiful, green-bottled, Dutch poison of choice. For the first time, I think that global warming is very, VERY bad, and I'm prepared to change every lightbulb in my apartment to back this up. If the price of beer skyrockets, I'm totally screwed. My liver might actually become healthy, and I can't have that. How am I supposed to further my alcoholism without affordable beer? My world would end! As Dr. Ray Stantz said in the inimitable film Ghostbusters, "this is a crisis of Biblical proportions!"
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go organize a Save the Planet rally. Or at least a Save the Barley and Hops rally. GO GREEN! And by "green," I mean this:
Labels: alcoholism, fuck the planet, large exclamatory font, oh the horror
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Daily Douchebag: the White House Office of Management and Budget
DOB: January 2000
Occupation: denial
Douchebaggery: Yesterday, Dr. Julie Gerberding, director of the Centers for Disease Control, gave prepared testimony to the Senate Environmental and Public Works committee on the impact climate change could have on health. While I do not subscribe to the Al Gore imminent disaster theory of climate change because the scientific community doesn't, there's still been plenty of prognostication on the part of my geeked out colleagues about the impact climate change will have on disease and I don't think it's a bad idea to at least anticipate this and plan accordingly.
The Bush administration, it seems, does not agree. Because why plan for possible cholera, malaria, or hantavirus epidemics when we could just stick our heads in the sand and pretend everything is just hunky dory? The Office of Management and Budget received a draft copy of Dr. Gerberding's testimony and pared it down from 14 pages to a measly 4, redacting almost every credible scientific reference and specific discussion of diseases which would severely affect public health, including increases in heat stress, heart problems, respiratory problems, waterborne and vector-borne infectious diseases, and stress disorders. I went to the OMB's webpage to see about their qualifications to decide which medical and public health information is important enough to be shared with the Senate committee overseeing this matters, and not surprisingly, those qualifications were all non-existent. This is the Bush administration, after all, a bunch of bureaucratic hanger-ons and old Dubya/Rove cronies who thought it would be prudent to put the former Judges and Stewards Commissioner of the International Arabian Horse Association in charge of federal emergencies and thus post-Katrina shitshowery. Thus it's not surprising that Jim Nussle, the head of OMB above, is a lawyer and former congressman whose specialty is slashing budgets. Director Nussle is assisted by a lifetime political bureaucrat, a MBA and former business executive, and a former analyst for Lehmann Brothers. In other words, nobody who explain what the fuck hantavirus or cholera even are, much less whether or not the Senate should hear about them. Then again, these are the assholes who didn't put much cash in the NIH budget for research grants, which has made my life a living hell by ensuring that my stipend doesn't keep up with rent increases and the cost of living in general.
I think in the case of public health, it's not a bad idea to do a little extra planning for disasters. I resent these bean counters taking it upon themselves to decide that hantavirus isn't important enough for the Senate to know about. Hantavirus, AKA Sin Nombre or Four Corners virus, is a BL4 (translation: space suit lab--as in Ebola or smallpox) pathogen, is transmitted by inhaling the urine or particulate feces of infected mice who act as carriers, and causes complete respiratory failure and sometimes severe internal hemorrhaging. I say a resounding "no thanks" to more of that, and I'd like to hear what the fuck the CDC is planning to do about that should an epidemic occur. As a virologist, I'm accustomed to being around infectious shit, but hantavirus is one of the few viral diseases that scares me. I certainly don't want to see any outbreaks of it, and I especially don't want to see any letters to the editor of Nature crowing about how hantavirus outbreaks were the result of Bush administrators combining tyranny and complete incompetence (which at this point is business as usual in the White House). I don't want to get malaria or cholera either. Malaria drug resistance is emerging and still kills five million people annually worldwide, and cholera causes explosive chalky diarrhea so severe an adult can lose up to 15 liters of fluids every day. I'll PASS on those, too. The OMB needs to save its red pens for cutting social programs out of the budget, because if they have their way we'll have a public health situation to rival that of the third world.
Labels: Daily Douchebag, epidemic geekery, fuck the planet, politics, retard rage, science, tyrannical rulers, viruses rule
Friday, October 12, 2007
Nobel peace prize=BULLSHIT
Usually I give a shout-out to the nerds who win the Nobel prize in medicine every year, because I am compelled to help these loser trolls boost their insufferably large egos even more than they already are. I work a couple floors up from Richard Axel, who got his intellectual dick sucked by the Swedes in 2004 for his work on the olfactory nerves in flies, and he struts around generally behaving like he's the hottest asshole on the planet, when in reality he looks like the Crypt Keeper with Marfan's syndrome and a bow tie. He spends his spare time making genetically fucked-with transgendered flies, checking out bitches' racks (including mine) in the elevator, chain-chewing Nicorette gum, and banging this busted crone of a C. elegans developmental geneticist at Rockefeller. I like to facilitate this behavior, because these guys are the rock stars of science, and I'll do anything to make my chosen profession more interesting. I mean, more interesting than the infinitely intriguing ins and outs of rhinovirus pathogenesis in mice!
Anyway, speaking of mice, these dudes Mario Capecchi, Martin Evans, and Oliver Smithies got the Nobel prize in medicine for inventing gene targeting in mice. Thanks to them, I can make murine embryonic fibroblasts from mice with a bi-allelic neomycin insertion cassette in their type 1 interferon receptor alpha gene, or from any other knock-out mouse that's not early embryonic lethal. I also get to sit through countless immunology seminars in which the speaker drones on and on about crossing mice with floxed genes I've never heard of crossed with mice containing Cre under control of a promoter I've never heard of, and then get to struggle to remain consciousness through the interminable parade of unlabeled FACS dotplots that generally follow. In other words, thanks a lot, you assholes Capecchi, Evans, and Smithies. Okay, gene targeting in mice is most informative and was a major innovation and blah blah blah. I didn't get around to blogging about it, because as you can see, it's talking about gene targeting is as boring as watching most of the seminars which employ this technology.
What I'm all fired up about as far as the Nobel Prizes are concerned is that THIS douchebag was just given the big prize for PEACE!
FUCK AL GORE! I hate him so much, and all he's done is falsely claimed to have invented the internets, bored everyone to death with one of the least inspired presidential campaigns in recent memory (topped only by his Democratic successor John Kerry's failed White House bid), and blathered on pedantically about his retarded, scientastic, disputably validated theories on global warming. Al Gore makes me want to horribly pollute the planet just to spite him. I don't see how someone can be lauded for "peace" when their primary contribution to that lofty goal has been annoying everyone with completely uninformative pie charts, movies attracting hipsters like messenger bag-toting moths to a bug zapper, and recruiting metrosexual celebrity assholes like Leonardo DiCaprio to lecture me about my "carbon footprint." Just to show Al Gore and crew how much I detest their pursuit of "peace," I'm going to ensure that my carbon footprint looks like it was made by a damn Sasquatch! If I ever get out of grad school, get a real job, and become the baron of industry I was meant to be, I'm driving nothing but Hummers. I swear.
Apparently, I'm not the only one who pissed themselves with shock when this news about Gore getting recognized for his critical role in furthering the globalpeace sanctimonious lecture process. As I was writing this very post, I got an email from LL Cool Jew with her perspective on how the Karolinska Institute fucked up BIG TIME in dropping their prestige on this shithead and how it will ensure that Al Gore gets to help the Democrats crush yet another election into splintered debris like a non-global warming-caused hurricane does to the Gulf Coast every 50 years or so:
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@trostkyitepropagandists.org)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: oooh...on the Al Gore tip
Hey Raz,
OK, so Al Gore is totz annoying, and I don't really care for the fact that "An Inconvenient Truth" implied strongly that Hurricane Katrina was caused by global warming when throughout my brief career as a reportadora in the post-storm Gulf South I had to endure numerous conference calls with meteorologists from NOAA and the NWS and various esteemed universities explaining in their fastidious, snore-inducing sciencey style that in fact big hurricane seasons come on a roughly 50-year cycle (see Hurricanes Betsy and Camille in the late 1960s), and that while global warming could one day strengthen otherwise harmless storms, Katrina, Rita and the 2004 storms in Florida were pretty much right on schedule. I didn't see "An Inconvenient Truth," because while I really love documentaries about wars, murderers, pirates, plagues, etc., I don't really want to watch movies based on Chicken-Little-type PowerPoint presentations, and besides, the only thing that interrupted my drooling with boredom during Al Gore's run for president in 2000 was the presence of a sprightly, hilarious pre-9/11 George W. Bush piping up about "strategery" in the debates. But somehow I'm super excited that Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize today because it's really going to stick in the craw of the far-right. The president is probably bitterly sucking down a lowfat hot dog as we speak.
The fun has begun! ch ch ch ch ch ch check it out:
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/rtrs/20071012/tts-uk-nobel-peace-gore-bush-ca02f96.html
of course, Hannity and Limbaugh are still snoozing on sheets made from the skins of tiny children, but I'll def be keeping track of their take on the matter as the day progresses. Matt Drudge has already linked to like five stories speculating on whether this means Gore will get into the race again. It would be like a Shakespearian showdown btw Clinton and Gore...
Let's all just remember for a moment that LL Cool Jew was an English major and things like "Shakespearean showdown" probably sound compelling to her. She loves that Olde English crap, and can rattle off like half the Canterbury Tales if prompted to do so. However, since in my view Olde English is something that comes in a 40-ounce bottle and is the primary item stocking Dr. Dre's fridge, and I only care about the Shakespearean years as far as the history of battles between warring lords and nation-states, exploration, conquest, seafaring, smallpox, and other adventurous historical gems are concerned, I'm not getting excited about it until Al Gore turns into Cate Blanchett, puts on a really complicated dress and a wig of red ringlets, and starts saying shit along the lines of "By God, England shall not fall whilst I am queen!" Instead, you know his pompous ass is going to be running around exhorting us all to drive hybrids and bragging about his Nobel prize. That monotonous drag of a man is never going to shut up now. Thanks a lot, Karolinska Institute. You've created a monster. A really soporific, long-winded, toneless monster. This year's Nobel prizes SUCK!
Anyway, speaking of mice, these dudes Mario Capecchi, Martin Evans, and Oliver Smithies got the Nobel prize in medicine for inventing gene targeting in mice. Thanks to them, I can make murine embryonic fibroblasts from mice with a bi-allelic neomycin insertion cassette in their type 1 interferon receptor alpha gene, or from any other knock-out mouse that's not early embryonic lethal. I also get to sit through countless immunology seminars in which the speaker drones on and on about crossing mice with floxed genes I've never heard of crossed with mice containing Cre under control of a promoter I've never heard of, and then get to struggle to remain consciousness through the interminable parade of unlabeled FACS dotplots that generally follow. In other words, thanks a lot, you assholes Capecchi, Evans, and Smithies. Okay, gene targeting in mice is most informative and was a major innovation and blah blah blah. I didn't get around to blogging about it, because as you can see, it's talking about gene targeting is as boring as watching most of the seminars which employ this technology.
What I'm all fired up about as far as the Nobel Prizes are concerned is that THIS douchebag was just given the big prize for PEACE!
Apparently, I'm not the only one who pissed themselves with shock when this news about Gore getting recognized for his critical role in furthering the global
From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@trostkyitepropagandists.org)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: oooh...on the Al Gore tip
Hey Raz,
OK, so Al Gore is totz annoying, and I don't really care for the fact that "An Inconvenient Truth" implied strongly that Hurricane Katrina was caused by global warming when throughout my brief career as a reportadora in the post-storm Gulf South I had to endure numerous conference calls with meteorologists from NOAA and the NWS and various esteemed universities explaining in their fastidious, snore-inducing sciencey style that in fact big hurricane seasons come on a roughly 50-year cycle (see Hurricanes Betsy and Camille in the late 1960s), and that while global warming could one day strengthen otherwise harmless storms, Katrina, Rita and the 2004 storms in Florida were pretty much right on schedule. I didn't see "An Inconvenient Truth," because while I really love documentaries about wars, murderers, pirates, plagues, etc., I don't really want to watch movies based on Chicken-Little-type PowerPoint presentations, and besides, the only thing that interrupted my drooling with boredom during Al Gore's run for president in 2000 was the presence of a sprightly, hilarious pre-9/11 George W. Bush piping up about "strategery" in the debates. But somehow I'm super excited that Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize today because it's really going to stick in the craw of the far-right. The president is probably bitterly sucking down a lowfat hot dog as we speak.
The fun has begun! ch ch ch ch ch ch check it out:
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/rtrs/20071012/tts-uk-nobel-peace-gore-bush-ca02f96.html
of course, Hannity and Limbaugh are still snoozing on sheets made from the skins of tiny children, but I'll def be keeping track of their take on the matter as the day progresses. Matt Drudge has already linked to like five stories speculating on whether this means Gore will get into the race again. It would be like a Shakespearian showdown btw Clinton and Gore...
Let's all just remember for a moment that LL Cool Jew was an English major and things like "Shakespearean showdown" probably sound compelling to her. She loves that Olde English crap, and can rattle off like half the Canterbury Tales if prompted to do so. However, since in my view Olde English is something that comes in a 40-ounce bottle and is the primary item stocking Dr. Dre's fridge, and I only care about the Shakespearean years as far as the history of battles between warring lords and nation-states, exploration, conquest, seafaring, smallpox, and other adventurous historical gems are concerned, I'm not getting excited about it until Al Gore turns into Cate Blanchett, puts on a really complicated dress and a wig of red ringlets, and starts saying shit along the lines of "By God, England shall not fall whilst I am queen!" Instead, you know his pompous ass is going to be running around exhorting us all to drive hybrids and bragging about his Nobel prize. That monotonous drag of a man is never going to shut up now. Thanks a lot, Karolinska Institute. You've created a monster. A really soporific, long-winded, toneless monster. This year's Nobel prizes SUCK!
Labels: assholes, correspondence, fuck the planet, LL Cool Jew, nerd alert, oh the horror, politics, pro-apocalyptic zeitgeist, science
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I've now officially gone black
...at least as far as my environmentalist leanings are concerned. This morning, I received the following e-mail:
From: Leila and Nadia (newsletter@11thhouraction.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: We Are the Generation that Gets to Change the World
Friend,
Each year awareness of the environmental problems our planet face grows. However, we are nowhere near the critical mass of awareness needed to create the change necessary to reverse the damage and begin restoring our planet's life systems.
We made "The 11th Hour" with Leonardo DiCaprio to raise awareness another degree so that we all begin to act. "The 11th Hour" opens this weekend August 17th in New York and Los Angeles. In the following weeks, it will open in cities across the United States. We now need your help!
We have worked with Evite and created a service that allows you to invite your friends, family, and co-workers to any specific show. Please check it out. Just as importantly, Evite has a carpool tool, so you can all pile into one car and begin the change we need on the way to see "The 11th Hour." If you have 25 people or more contact group sales here, and they will help arrange.
We are the generation that gets to change the world, it's an exciting time! Please see the movie and please join us.
Very Sincerely,
Nadia Conners
Leila Conners Petersen
Directors of The 11th Hour
www.11thhouraction.com
P.S. Check out more clips from the film on our nifty new video player .
*You have received this letter because you have expressed interest in our environmental action.
Be sure to add newsletter@11thhouraction.com to your address book list to ensure future email deliveries.
Enjoying this note? Please forward it on!
Um...NO I did not ever express interest in your or anyone else's environmental action. I don't recycle just to be an asshole (well, actually it's because there's no recycling in our building, but really, the bums who go through the trash sort out the recyclables for me...I've probably donated a small fortune in Heineken bottle deposits to them). I am not interested in environmental action, unless you're talking about having sex outside. Furthermore, like HELL I'm going to add your stupid e-mail to my address book so that I can ensure delivery of pompous, preachy activist-speak concerning whatever issues you're concerned about with regard to the planet's "life systems"...or as real scientists call them, ECOSYSTEMS, you ignorant tree-hugging fucks! I don't need you two twats or Leonardo Di Caprio, who has managed to parlay his career as a model-fucker and (I suspect) Martin Scorsese "poker buddy" into a side job as the most insufferable climate change crybaby this side of Al Gore to tell me that. And speaking of Mr. Gore, if these granola hybrid-drivers actually had a snowball's chance in Greenland after 200 more years of global warming of collecting the "critical mass of awareness" they strive for, maybe they'd try something besides his tired schtick of combining heavily massaged scientific findings with overbearing condescension. I mean, these morons actually included an entire paragraph consisting of explicit instuctions on how to use Evite, and then have the audacity to suggest that arranging carpools is tantamount to changing the world. Newsflash, jackasses: the dinosaurs were probably wiped out--at least in part--due to climate change, and there weren't any humans around then to blame (I guess that dinosaur-destroying meteor wasn't thinking green when it collided with the damn Yucatan peninsula). Climate change happens whether or not some sanctimonious liberal arts college graduate decides that it's humanity's fault and that she and her idiot sister have been appointed by Leonardo DiCaprio to alter that, so stop lecturing everybody about "awareness." We're all aware that climate change could theoretically screw us over royally as a species, but what exactly are we supposed to do to cool the fucking oceans down? Drive slightly less? Use the awesome power of Evite to arrange carpools to a fucking heavy-handed pompumentary? Go see a crappy movie? The last time I read Science (which was YESTERDAY), there is still no consensus on whether global warming is even a fucking problem in the scientific community, so lay off the "critical mass" and "change the world" rhetoric until the climatologists can figure out an agreeable and rational explanation for what's going on.
Obviously since I did not "enjoy this note," I did not forward it on. Since there were no instructions on how to "unsubscribe"--indicative of how truly self-righteous these bitches are, as they don't expect that anyone wouldn't want to receive kilobytes upon kilobytes of similar correspondence--I instead responded with an enjoyable note of my own:
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
To: Leila and Nadia (newsletter@11thhouraction.com)
Subject: We Are the Generation that Gets to Change the World!
Take me off this list, you prostitutes. I NEVER signed up to receive your mind-blowingly pretentious marketing e-mails, and I'm quite positive I never expressed any interest in being on such a mailing list. My only interest in the environment is harming the shit out of it and exploiting it like what. I'm going to make sure I leave all the lights and the air-conditioning on just to be an asshole today, in your honor. And when I go to the theater and DON'T see your poor man's "An Inconvenient Truth" propaganda film full of fictional scientastic gibberish about climate change, I'll make sure I drive a gas-guzzling SUV.
Go fuck yourselves, hippies.
Best wishes,
Razzy
It's not like I really hate the environment, but its advocates have got to be some of the most irritating people on the planet. I somehow suspect that they won't take me off their list just to be dicks about it (in fairness, they'd be justified in wanting to be dicks about it). They're a lot like the hypocrites over at PETA, who will do everything short of actually killing a human being to disrupt some type of standard animal-based practice. I actually don't have a problem with living a more eco-friendly lifestyle if it's not too inconvenient or expensive, but I don't need these sluts cluttering up my inbox and thinking they have some authority to talk down to me just because the bratty foster brother from "Growing Pains" decided to give them a damn job as Leni Riefenstahls for the green movement. Besides, I don't buy their credibility to make a case for the planet, since last time I checked, bras weren't endangering the planet and these bitches have nonetheless decided most unwisely to eschew them.
Saggy tits on the red carpet will never fill up the theater at your premiere, ladies. Good thing you have Pube 'Stache DiCaprio there with you to sex it up a SMIDGE, if you're into pretty boys, anyway (I'm not).
If they really wanted me to see this movie, they should have just sent me a copy of the poster. Based on this, The 11th Hour looks like it should be the most awesome SciFi original movie ever made, about alien giant construction workers and/or Timberland-wearing rappers getting their stomp on or something similarly asskicking, er, earthkicking. It would probably have Grant Show, Richard Grieco, or Casper Van Dien in it, and I'm sure it would own every other SciFi original movie in the past (even Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, and that's a tough one to beat):
Sadly, this poster is figurative, and merely implies that the entire movie will cover how badly we're fucking everything up and there's no hope for survival if we don't listen to a bunch of overzealous, bombastic, floppy-titted pedants and start using unbleached toilet paper and driving around in hybrid Prii (or is it Priae...how do you pluralize a fake Latin car name?). These hookers need to move back to Fern Gully and stay the fuck out of my inbox.
Anyway, I am NOT going to see The 11th Hour, and I strongly urge you all not to as well. Someone needs to take a stand against these high falutin' planet fanatics once and for all, and I'm happy to be that someone. From now on, I'm going to actively campaign against seeing such films, as well as promote NOT recycling, leaving the water running while you're brushing your teeth, driving Hummers, killing endangered species for their fur, eating rainforest beef, using aerosol propellants containing CFCs, disposing of my Freon-containing air conditioners improperly, and...shit, what else is bad for the earth? Oh yeah...and deforest the hell out of everything, Weyerhauser style! I won't stop until the planet is a smoldering ruin just to show these dumb fucktards the dire consequences of implying that I wanted environmentalist spam in my inbox. From now on when people tell me I should go green, I'll tell them that I've already gone black. And you know what they say about going black...you never go back. Too true.
From: Leila and Nadia (newsletter@11thhouraction.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: We Are the Generation that Gets to Change the World
Friend,
Each year awareness of the environmental problems our planet face grows. However, we are nowhere near the critical mass of awareness needed to create the change necessary to reverse the damage and begin restoring our planet's life systems.
We made "The 11th Hour" with Leonardo DiCaprio to raise awareness another degree so that we all begin to act. "The 11th Hour" opens this weekend August 17th in New York and Los Angeles. In the following weeks, it will open in cities across the United States. We now need your help!
We have worked with Evite and created a service that allows you to invite your friends, family, and co-workers to any specific show. Please check it out. Just as importantly, Evite has a carpool tool, so you can all pile into one car and begin the change we need on the way to see "The 11th Hour." If you have 25 people or more contact group sales here, and they will help arrange.
We are the generation that gets to change the world, it's an exciting time! Please see the movie and please join us.
Very Sincerely,
Nadia Conners
Leila Conners Petersen
Directors of The 11th Hour
www.11thhouraction.com
P.S. Check out more clips from the film on our nifty new video player .
*You have received this letter because you have expressed interest in our environmental action.
Be sure to add newsletter@11thhouraction.com to your address book list to ensure future email deliveries.
Enjoying this note? Please forward it on!
Um...NO I did not ever express interest in your or anyone else's environmental action. I don't recycle just to be an asshole (well, actually it's because there's no recycling in our building, but really, the bums who go through the trash sort out the recyclables for me...I've probably donated a small fortune in Heineken bottle deposits to them). I am not interested in environmental action, unless you're talking about having sex outside. Furthermore, like HELL I'm going to add your stupid e-mail to my address book so that I can ensure delivery of pompous, preachy activist-speak concerning whatever issues you're concerned about with regard to the planet's "life systems"...or as real scientists call them, ECOSYSTEMS, you ignorant tree-hugging fucks! I don't need you two twats or Leonardo Di Caprio, who has managed to parlay his career as a model-fucker and (I suspect) Martin Scorsese "poker buddy" into a side job as the most insufferable climate change crybaby this side of Al Gore to tell me that. And speaking of Mr. Gore, if these granola hybrid-drivers actually had a snowball's chance in Greenland after 200 more years of global warming of collecting the "critical mass of awareness" they strive for, maybe they'd try something besides his tired schtick of combining heavily massaged scientific findings with overbearing condescension. I mean, these morons actually included an entire paragraph consisting of explicit instuctions on how to use Evite, and then have the audacity to suggest that arranging carpools is tantamount to changing the world. Newsflash, jackasses: the dinosaurs were probably wiped out--at least in part--due to climate change, and there weren't any humans around then to blame (I guess that dinosaur-destroying meteor wasn't thinking green when it collided with the damn Yucatan peninsula). Climate change happens whether or not some sanctimonious liberal arts college graduate decides that it's humanity's fault and that she and her idiot sister have been appointed by Leonardo DiCaprio to alter that, so stop lecturing everybody about "awareness." We're all aware that climate change could theoretically screw us over royally as a species, but what exactly are we supposed to do to cool the fucking oceans down? Drive slightly less? Use the awesome power of Evite to arrange carpools to a fucking heavy-handed pompumentary? Go see a crappy movie? The last time I read Science (which was YESTERDAY), there is still no consensus on whether global warming is even a fucking problem in the scientific community, so lay off the "critical mass" and "change the world" rhetoric until the climatologists can figure out an agreeable and rational explanation for what's going on.
Obviously since I did not "enjoy this note," I did not forward it on. Since there were no instructions on how to "unsubscribe"--indicative of how truly self-righteous these bitches are, as they don't expect that anyone wouldn't want to receive kilobytes upon kilobytes of similar correspondence--I instead responded with an enjoyable note of my own:
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
To: Leila and Nadia (newsletter@11thhouraction.com)
Subject: We Are the Generation that Gets to Change the World!
Take me off this list, you prostitutes. I NEVER signed up to receive your mind-blowingly pretentious marketing e-mails, and I'm quite positive I never expressed any interest in being on such a mailing list. My only interest in the environment is harming the shit out of it and exploiting it like what. I'm going to make sure I leave all the lights and the air-conditioning on just to be an asshole today, in your honor. And when I go to the theater and DON'T see your poor man's "An Inconvenient Truth" propaganda film full of fictional scientastic gibberish about climate change, I'll make sure I drive a gas-guzzling SUV.
Go fuck yourselves, hippies.
Best wishes,
Razzy
It's not like I really hate the environment, but its advocates have got to be some of the most irritating people on the planet. I somehow suspect that they won't take me off their list just to be dicks about it (in fairness, they'd be justified in wanting to be dicks about it). They're a lot like the hypocrites over at PETA, who will do everything short of actually killing a human being to disrupt some type of standard animal-based practice. I actually don't have a problem with living a more eco-friendly lifestyle if it's not too inconvenient or expensive, but I don't need these sluts cluttering up my inbox and thinking they have some authority to talk down to me just because the bratty foster brother from "Growing Pains" decided to give them a damn job as Leni Riefenstahls for the green movement. Besides, I don't buy their credibility to make a case for the planet, since last time I checked, bras weren't endangering the planet and these bitches have nonetheless decided most unwisely to eschew them.
If they really wanted me to see this movie, they should have just sent me a copy of the poster. Based on this, The 11th Hour looks like it should be the most awesome SciFi original movie ever made, about alien giant construction workers and/or Timberland-wearing rappers getting their stomp on or something similarly asskicking, er, earthkicking. It would probably have Grant Show, Richard Grieco, or Casper Van Dien in it, and I'm sure it would own every other SciFi original movie in the past (even Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, and that's a tough one to beat):
Anyway, I am NOT going to see The 11th Hour, and I strongly urge you all not to as well. Someone needs to take a stand against these high falutin' planet fanatics once and for all, and I'm happy to be that someone. From now on, I'm going to actively campaign against seeing such films, as well as promote NOT recycling, leaving the water running while you're brushing your teeth, driving Hummers, killing endangered species for their fur, eating rainforest beef, using aerosol propellants containing CFCs, disposing of my Freon-containing air conditioners improperly, and...shit, what else is bad for the earth? Oh yeah...and deforest the hell out of everything, Weyerhauser style! I won't stop until the planet is a smoldering ruin just to show these dumb fucktards the dire consequences of implying that I wanted environmentalist spam in my inbox. From now on when people tell me I should go green, I'll tell them that I've already gone black. And you know what they say about going black...you never go back. Too true.
Labels: assholes, celebrities, correspondence, fuck the planet, overcompensation, retard rage, scathing indictments, sexy delicious animals
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