RazzyBlog

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

This is a threat?

You'd think that with all the important stories in today's news (new ho shooting to dethrone Ruth Bader Ginsberg as hottest bitch on the Supreme Court, prop 8 sadly stands, economic collapse, etc.), CNN could come up with a better use of their journalistic resources than THIS FUCKING STORY:

I've really had it with bitches who fall for this fucktard's antics. Ashton Kutcher is a snake oil charlatan with no talent save that of being inexplicably tolerable to stupid people. Everything about this motherfucker is despicable, and I don't know why people haven't recognized that since the late 90s or whenever "That '70s Show" was on. I basically hated him from the moment I gazed upon his guffawing, trucker hatted visage. A quick review of his CV reminds me that he came on the scene playing a dumb, lazy, unemployable stoner, then morphed into an annoying pest playing contrived pranks on people. Then he was mistaken for a celebrity anyone cares about by fucking and marrying Demi Moore. Then he became disgustingly overappreciative of his own value, made two years' worth of absolutely terrible films, and obnoxiously embraced Kabbalah. Now he's become my own personal multimedia gadfly, goading me with a deft combination of COOLPIX camera ads and self-aggrandizing pretensions that I should care about how this knuckle-dragger's Twitter habits influence his fickle relationship with his own media whorishness. Big deal: more assholes follow Ashton's Twitter feed than CNN's. He probably has more Facebook friends too. WHO CARES?! Larry King, please explain why you cluttered up your valuable primetime cable news space with this asshole's Twattery. It takes the average person about 30 seconds to not feel sorry for Ashton Kutcher being impaled upon his own proverbial e-sword. I'm losing approximately NO sleep knowing that Ashton worrying that someone might intrude upon and irritate him via the very media conduit he has used to torment the entertainment industry-consuming public for the past decade. Karma's a bitch, and so are you, Kutcher!

Labels: assholes, celebrities, internet domination, ranting, retard rage, TV

# posted by Razzy @ 11:08 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Blog Action Day 2008: Ending (Razzy's) poverty

Last night, I was logging in to the website that tracks my statistics for me, and for some reason decided to click over to their blog. Probably because while getting my internets Razzification on I was watching Monday Night Football, and listening to Tony Kornheiser hollering at Ron Jaworski half-assedly about a lengthy illustrated montage celebrating Gus Frerotte's storied career makes me mildly crazy. I was irritated to see that the people who run my free statistic-tracking service are a bunch of annoying e-do gooders participating in something called "Blog Action Day."

Not only does Blog Action Day sound like one of the least active forms of obnoxious ineffective philanthropy the bloggers of the internets could engage in, it sounds like a complete and total waste of time. Most of the blogs that will participate probably have even fewer readers than the five of you who come here for your daily dose of (so awesome it rocks your face off) useless bullshit, so it's not like they're going to bring a lot of attention to the problem of poverty.

While I deeply empathize with those suffering from its effects (as making less than $30,000 a year in New York City certainly allows me to count myself among the ranks of the destitute), there's a reason why the Blogosphere was not consulted when Congress had to bail out the highest priority group of the impoverished: Wall Street. Bloggers are all poor as fuck and they don't know shit about ending poverty! Even many of the successful ones hardly make any money from their websites. Pick a random blog author and ask how much they make with their online venture. They are doing exceptionally well if they can even pay their utility bills with their blogging profits. Certainly all these bloggers can draw attention to the issue just by writing their own life story, but if they knew the first thing about ending poverty, they wouldn't be fucking poor. The last thing these fools are going to do is somehow end poverty at the fucking FED by writing "poverty is just aweful and shud end NOW lol!" blog posts, thus stimulating the economy, increasing employment, and reducing the welfare rolls all around.

However, Blog Action Day can benefit at least one person in the financial department. It might not do much in terms of meaningful action to end poverty, but at least it creates a great opportunity for me. While all the other sources of useless bullshit across the internets are writing about how society can end the proliferation of beggarly types, I'll write about something totally different, like threesomes or Red Dawn or R. Kelly. Then when everyone is bored of reading banal post after banal post about poverty, they'll all come to RAZZY.org to read about whatever awesome alternative I feel like blabbing about, a few of them will click my useless "FIND SINGLE PEOPLE AGES 18-84 TO FUCK NOW!!!!!!!!" text ads, and I'll totally get a check for $10 instead of $5 for October. By NOT writing about poverty on October 15th, I'll be taking meaningful action to ameliorate poverty...my own poverty. Thank you for the opportunity to capitalize on everyone else's misguided and ineffective sense of altruism, Blog Action Day!

Labels: capitalism, down with OPB (other people's blogs), internet domination

# posted by Razzy @ 8:12 AM 1 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Chris Cooley is my kind of tight end

Apparently, Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley is, like me, a blogger in his spare time. Also like me, he does his best writing when he is in a state of undress. Sunday, he posted a photo of the Skins' playbook for their big game against the New Orleans Saints. Too bad he obviously snapped the photo as the playbook rested on his entirely pantless lap, as immediately noticed by the entire sports blogging world:

Even though my starting Fantasy tight end is Antonio Gates, who is pretty much universally regarded as the premier tight end in the entire NFL, I am almost tempted to start making some wild trade offers to my buddy G-Cat just to get Cooley on my Fantasy team. Any guy who sits around naked is my sort of dude. Any guy who sits around naked blogging about his Fantasy team is my destiny. Seriously, all the man needs is a pepperoni pizza, a sixer of Heineken, and the extended edition Lord of the Rings DVDs and...well, hello, Prince Charming. Marry me.

Labels: Fantasia, internet domination, NFL football, nudity, weiners

# posted by Razzy @ 2:53 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, August 07, 2008

This just in: I'm never getting a job, say would-be law students

I discovered several links to my site from a board called AutoAdmit.com, which touts itself as "the most prestigious law school admissions discussion board in the world." A user identified as CollegeFrat starts off the Razzy-bashing by posting a bunch of relevant links and writing on the topic "Columbia Grad Student Posts Naked Pics on her Blog: Bash this..."

LOL at this chick. She is going to graduate from graduate school at 30 next year. There are dozens of pictures of her breasts online, never to be deleted. Who the fuck will hire this chick? The internet has gone too far.

Ruh roh. I never considered the possibility that I might not be able to delete titty pics from my own website. Furthermore, perhaps it's the lingering delusion from attending a bastion of radical feminism like Smith College that women might actually be judged by their professional accomplishments, but I was unaware that my breasts would preclude me from gainful employment when I finally get Ph.ake doctored and hobble away from Columbia at the crotchety old age of 30. I mean, I may have mad skills at virology, but...come on, ask a wannabe law student! Employers aren't looking for highly educated people with very specific and unique technical skills training with professors sufficiently recognized in their field to have authored the top-selling textbook on the subject. I have breasts and PEOPLE HAVE SEEN THEM. Whatever you do, do NOT hire me! I am, however, comforted in the knowledge that while I may be sitting around rendered unemployable by my exposed and wizened breasts, I at least have the distinction of taking the internet "too far." Because prior to my groundbreaking flash moves, the internet was a clusterfuck of conservative prudishness with no shocking or potentially offensive material on it whatsoever. At least I can rest easy in the knowledge that my fun bags have shaken the internets to its straight-laced core.

Just when I was starting to get depressed about a future of being the only McDonald's drive-thru jockey with an Ivy League doctorate, a heroic poster named Free Marvin Harrison! stepped in to defend my honor...sort of:

There are a lot of weird, nerdy girls in graduate school who are into freaky sex and don't care who knows. (I'm referring to her exhibitionist streak here, not her desire to have her coochie eaten.)

I don't think she'll have trouble finding a job at an academic or government lab.

Whew, that's a relief. I'm glad that even though this person is apparently a fan of the detestable Indianapolis Colts and is presumably seeking law school admission to ensure that Marvin Harrison doesn't have to suffer the injustice of answering law enforcement questions about shootings that occurred on a highway near a bar he owns in Philly, he is defending my prospects for a career as an academic researcher (AKA perpetual scholar-serf) or a lowly civil servant! I'm relieved to know that my weird nerdiness or proclivity for "freaky sex" like showing off my hot rack (not to be confused with non-freaky sex like cunnilingus) won't get in the way. Unfortunately, the would-be attorney motivated by Marvin Harrison's cooperation with a police investigation is then rebutted by a couple posters named Fogo de LMAO and superLAZYdood suggesting that I was fucked long before I ever went "Girls Gone Wild," since Columbia is a shitshow of an institution with no standards (which, sadly, I and probably every other disgruntled, miserable Columbia grad student would have to concede is a fair point).

With such vigorous debate going on about my career prospects, I decided to consult with someone who has actually one-upped these bright-eyed, cocksure future lawyers. ElCyd is starting law school in about a month as well as the founder of my Facebook fan club, so she knows a thing or ten thousand about both gaining admission to barristry training camp AND the content of my website. Therefore, I sent her the link and we discussed the validity of the opinions of a bunch of 21-year-old recent college graduates sitting around talking about boobies on a law school admissions board.

Razzy: i love when people are like "YOU'LL NEVER GET A JOB BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE SEEN YOUR BOOBS!"
ElCyd: lol
ElCyd: dude, ppl at my firm had pictures of themselves smoking pot
Razzy: i mean, people don't care
Razzy: and i don't want to work for the ones that do
ElCyd: srsly
ElCyd: not in academia
Razzy: or even in industry!
Razzy: they just care that you get the job done
ElCyd: and when you cure the common cold, no one will care
Razzy: exax
ElCyd: in fact, they'll be your biggest fans!

Well, there you have it. Somehow I think I'll manage to overcome the fact that pictures of my breasts are on the internets and get a legitimate job in science. I have that validation from a smart, hot bitch with more law school admission credentials than my internets detractors that my career isn't yet completely fucked. This complements my existing personal experience-based knowledge (from back in the olden days before grad school when I had a real job with a business card and a cubicle and a phone extension and everything) that you can pull some absolutely RIDICULOUS bullshit in the workplace and still get promotions, raises, and highly complimentary recommendations for graduate school.

Since my PI just informed me that I'll be going by Dr. Razzy by next spring, I can now start my hunt for a real job (or at least a real postdoc) without fretting about predictions of professional doom cast by the sage oracles aspiring to be lawyers. Whew.

Labels: ElCyd, internet domination, nudity, Razzy Haters

# posted by Razzy @ 6:08 AM 3 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, July 24, 2008

CRIBS: Senator John McCain (R-AZ)

While Barack Obama is busy feigning a profound sense of faith at the Wailing Wall, I'm glad to see that the officer and a hot piece Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is keeping things fun on his website. I went there because I read some article about how Obama gear is outselling McCain gear (Obama's designers are clearly more savvy, since he even sells sleepwear called "Ojamas") like crazy, and I wanted to do my part to even the score by picking up a slutty McCain tank top, a McCain beer cooler, or a camouflage "Sportsmen for McCain" hunting cap.

However, I was sidetracked from my shopping by an exhortation to take an "exclusive" tour of the Straight Talk Express. The STE is probably my favorite campaign gimmick of all time, and while I frequently tell people I'm firmly entrenched in my berth aboard the Straight Talk Express, I've always been curious to know what it looks like in reality. I always pictured it as a cross between Animal House and the White House "Situation Room," complete with a lot of fancy satellite feeds, a pool table, terrorist-tracking maps, a fridge stocked with Anheuser-Busch products courtesy of Cindy McCain, an inflatable donkey for stress relief when the democrats are especially irksome, some random military guys, and a dartboard with Barack Obama's face on it.

Well, it turns out the STE isn't quite that much fun, but I nonetheless appreciated the tour:

While the fridge has coffee fixings and Diet Coke rather than a full assortment of brew dogs and there were more random BlackBerries and microphones around than frathouse decor or blow-up asses, I still have to give the McCain campaign props for this tour. I don't know why I'm surprised that McCain knows about "Cribs" since he supposedly doesn't miss an episode of "The Hills" and is thus a devout MTV viewer. I love that he doesn't know how to use the internets, but he watches MTV! He's apparently so down with it that he even knows about the traditional epilogue where the subject of the "Cribs" at hand boots the cameras out of their domicile, as the "Director of Advances" (whatever that means) hosting the tour ushers the viewer off the Straight Talk Express with "No, seriously, go before I call the Secret Service." Fucking awesome.

Labels: I LOVE IT, internet domination, John McCain, politics

# posted by Razzy @ 7:43 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, July 10, 2008

FTP: Fucking technical problems

Not that you'll be able to read this anytime soon, but there's apparently some drama with Blogger and FTP publishing going on. I don't really understand all the ins and outs about "external servers" and "ports" and that type of incomprehensible tech shit, but the moral of the story is that it takes FOR-FUCKING-EVER to upload anything. I checked Blogger help, and apparently they are the ones with the problem, which I gathered after emailing my broke-ass hosting company and receiving a typically condescending reply about some free FTP client they think I should use). Since my problem seems to be specifically with Blogger's FTP client (and why it's called a "client" as opposed to my preferred term "thingy" I have no idea), I guess I have to wait for their lazy asses to fix it. Since all the people at Google are so busy shooting pool and playing video games and otherwise engaging in lots of non-work recreational activities, I have no fucking clue when this problem will be solved. Blogger's help page told me to clear my browser cache, which is one of the few computer-type things I know how to do, but that did a whole lot of jack shit nothing.

So please bear with me during this time of stalled file transfers. I am still writing useless bullshit as prolifically as ever...I'm just having a hard time blessing you all with it due to circumstances outside of my control. Thanks for your patience, all you hot Razzyphile pieces of trash.

XOBJBS,

Razzy

Labels: computer incompetence, excuses, internet domination

# posted by Razzy @ 8:32 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Jesus would approve

My friend, Razzyphile, and fellow blogger Gayman e-mailed me the other day asking if I'd ever heard of the website bigchurch.com. I had not, because--and I know you will all be filled with disbelief at this revelation--I'm not trying to score honeys on the fundamentalist Christian dating circuit.

Hard as it may be to believe, I did not meet the mystery guy I like on bigchurch.com. It would be amazing if I had, since he's not even Christian. Furthermore, I suspect that bigchurch.com's members don't "share the same spiritual beliefs" as myself, unless it's opposite day and their spiritual beliefs include a deep devotion to alcohol consumption, hitting it with girls on the side, and daily masturbation. "Christian" sounds to me like "not Catholic" and especially "not a bad, sinful, depraved ex-Catholic schoolgirl bisexual slut machine a la yours truly." I'm not trying to meet a cheesy Richard Marx-meets-Jason Priestley type such as the Bible boy above, and even if I were, I'd probably go try to find him at an actual church rather than bigchurch.com.

Gayman did not, however, send me this link in the hopes that my prayers of finding a respectable man would be answered. Rather, he did a bit of research into bigchurch.org, and discovered that it's owned by an unlikely media empire:

I wonder how all those devout Christians on bigchurch.com would feel knowing that their dating website is owned by one of the world's most infamous porn empires. I'm pretty sure that even if the folks seeking pious future spouses on bigchurch.com don't approve of or consider Penthouse's content congruous with their spiritual beliefs, Jesus would be down. He was always partying with hookers, tax collectors, lepers, and the other sinful freaks of greater Galilee and Judea, so I imagine he'd be just fine with pornographers diversifying their brands to grab some market share in the world of online Christian dating. Okay, maybe it's not exactly what Jesus would do himself, but I bet he's cool with it.

And since my Aunt Jesus is in the market for a sanctimonious scripture-spouting boyfriend, maybe I should pass along the link to bigchurch.com to her. Then at her wedding reception, I'll give a totally inappropriate impromptu speech thanking Penthouse AND God for bringing them together. Man, that would be so awesome.

Labels: Aunt Jesus, capitalism, correspondence, Dear God, internet domination, porn, Razzyphiles

# posted by Razzy @ 8:21 AM 1 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Owning the internets game one misspelled Google search at a time

According to my internets statistics, a popular means of potential Razzyphiles discovering my awesomeness is a direct consequence of their making inquiries at Google concerning websites addressing the topic of "hottest chicks in america toppless." GUESS WHO IS #8 ON THAT GOOGLE SEARCH RESULT, BITCHES!

Obviously, it's only a matter of time before I'm discovered, gratuitously given enough money and negotiating power to buy the Seahawks from Paul Allen, do that, win a Super Bowl, get elected president, and commence totally ruling the world's face off. My diabolically ambitious plan is clearly working (said plot being to somehow attain fame and fortune via Google directing the spelling-challenged--or perhaps the baseball card-collecting, since I guess "toppless" could mean lacking in Topps baseball cards--breast-worshiping perverts of the internets to a post I wrote two years ago with a broken link to a now non-existent video of my drunk ass running around my bitches' photography studio acting the fool. This is the key to my future success. Domination of Google search parameters such as "hottest chicks in america toppless" today, and the world tomorrow. SERIOUSLY! One day when I'm running for president, you'll think, "Gee, remember the good old days when we discovered Razzy doing Google searches for 'hottest chicks in america toppless'? Those days were awesome. Vote fucking Razzy."

Labels: I LOVE IT, internet domination, Razzification

# posted by Razzy @ 6:22 AM 2 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The greatest form of flattery?

I was just wasting time looking at what links the greatest website in the history of the internets (AKA RAZZY.org!) had acquired, and found this one. At first, I was pissed because I thought I was being plagiarized. I guess I sort of was plagiarized, but via some sort of faux-literary word filter:

Uh...okay. The author of this weblog apparently took a post I wrote a long time ago douchebagging these hipster tools from our nation's capital for rigging a vote about being the hottest blog journalists in the District of Cocksuckers and reworded it. For example:

From my post: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DC standards for attractiveness are even more dismally bereft than I even thought.

From Loispki's "romantic poetry" blog: ARE Himself FUCKING Bluffing Subconscious self? Reactive current standards on account of attractiveness are dispassionate supplemental dismally impoverished by comparison with Manes mutually streak.

From my post: Before the haters jump out here and say that I'm jealous or something equally unlikely, let me just say that if there were an online poll about the hottest grad students studying virology or microbiology or even any biomedical science, I wouldn't even have to cheat to be a contender. For one thing, most people in my field look like a cross between a product of the Tri-Lambda or Omega Mu Greek system and a fighting Uruk-Hai. Comparatively, the Aileen Wuornos-meets-Ann Coulter-meets Tonya Harding thing I've got going on is actually kind of hot, and I have faith that my tits (and willingness to display them in all their blazing glory) would propel me to success in such a contest.

From Loispki's "romantic poetry" blog: Historically the haters solo extinguished now and vote that Anima’m suspicious flanch dowhacky warrantedly remote, imagine subliminal self sterling management that if there were an online file in the air the hottest grad students studying virology fleur-de-lis life science cream match up with sole biomedical academic discipline, My humble self wouldn’t match assimilate so that chouse out of towards be in existence a swordplayer. Whereas all-embracing things, plurality blood entranceway my martlet approach a angry between a handiwork as respects the Tri-Lambda flanch Stopping place Mu Conventioneer master plan and a chauvinist Uruk-Hai. To an extent, the Aileen Wuornos-meets-Ann Coulter-meets Tonya Harding being Soul’ve got in progress is obviously moderately white-hot, and Alterum cozen confidence that my tits(and disposition till illustrate yourself near just their scorching renown) would set in motion she on route to transcendence good understanding image a tilt.

I can't tell if it's supposed to sound like one of those spam e-mails you get that have a lot of florid yet nonsensical language disguising a sales pitch for fake Canadian Viagra, or if it's supposed to sound like "romantic poetry" as the blog's title implies. It's barely readable, but I am amused nonetheless. In fact, maybe I should start calling LL Cool Jew "LL Equable Jew" from now on.

My only question is why did this person pick THIS particular blog entry to rework? I can only assume the author is acquainted with the hipster tools I douchebagged, and thought it would be funny to apply their pseudo-Shakespearean/romantic poetry/spam filter to it. In any event, I'm glad I have fans ardent enough to rewrite Daily Douchebags from days of yore in barely comprehensible pretentious gibberish. Good times.

Labels: down with OPB (other people's blogs), internet domination, Razzification

# posted by Razzy @ 8:42 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Monday, April 14, 2008

Daily Douchebag: Digg.com

Name: Digg.com

DOB: December 5, 2004

Occupation: unfairly excluding awesome websites like RAZZY.org from social bookmarking-based syndication

Hometown: the internets

Current residence: the dumb, stupid, and dumb internets

Douchebaggery: Yesterday I decided to try and be a motivated webmaster and promote my blog more ably by adding some bullshit to my website that would ostensibly improve traffic (beyond the hot-ass 1100 unique hits--!--I get per day). I heard that there are these sites that allow people to bookmark your site and post it for others to enjoy. Much like Saint Paul, I am an evangelizing zealot when it comes to blessing the non-believers with a powerful message, except in my case it's Razzification rather than a misogynistic and draconian interpretation of the good news in the gospels. Well, I'm an evANGIElizing zealot on the rare occasions when I feel unflustered by my apparent inability to copy-and-paste ready-made Javascript code into my blog template, such as last night when I got bored during the snorefest that was the "Rock of Love 2" finale.

One of these sites is Digg.com. If you add a "Digg This" button to your posts, people can click it and share your site with their friends on Digg.com. Not that I have any friends on Digg.com, but presumably other people do, and besides, if your post gets "dugg" enough times, it gets featured on their front page, thus attracting new Razzyphiles. A girl can never have enough hot pieces in her Facebook fan club, so I thought this sounded like a great idea. Too bad this wasn't meant to be.

After adding a "Digg This" button, I tested it and was shocked to see that other Digg users had already ratted me out as having "adult-only" content. While I would be the first to say that I don't want dumb kids reading my website because I categorically loathe children, and while I certainly acknowledge there's lots of cursing and titty pictures here, my banning from Digg is an absolute travesty. I understand that Digg has a "Terms of Service" policy that explicitly forbids spam, pornography, and profanity, and that's fine. However, I don't have any spam on my site OR pornography (I consider porn distinct from nudie pics in that the latter don't include sex acts, and there's nothing fitting that description on my site). My liberal use of fucking profanity is the only term I break.

I would accept this if Digg.com weren't totally prone to overlooking this in terms of other websites. For example, the website F*cking C*nts hasn't been banned by Digg, and trust that the asterisks are only used in the page title. The Bunny Blog, this chick's blog that I read sometimes which often includes explicit sex stories and f-bombs aplenty, is still kosher in Digg's book. Nor has Digg banned the website AdultFYI, a news site about the porn industry covered with graphic ads for other porn sites. When I say "graphic," I mean there are close-ups of anal penetration and free trailers for movies with titles like Lord of the Squirt, Grandpa Loves Cream Pie, and Britney Rears 4. This site has content sufficiently adult to warrant an age-verification entrance page and a statement of 2257 compliance. Even its URL implies it has adult content! But apparently it's cool with Digg's terms of service while RAZZY.org is not. The worst part is that there is no appeals process. Other than sending an e-mail which will most likely be ignored (as when I was previously banned by Google AdSense for similar "adult content"-related transgressions), I have no means to encourage Digg to reconsider its banning of the world's greatest website! "Democratic" social bookmarking, my ass. If all it takes is for one lame-ass Digg user to rat me out for having "adult content" to get my URL added to its list of undesirables, I'd say that Digg is more reminiscent of Orwellian totalitarianism than democracy. In a democratic society, I'd at least get a trial before being declared an unperson by Big Brother.

Digg sucks for allowing individual prudes to ruin a perfectly good party. You may notice that I have added a "Share This" button at the bottom of posts which allows a user to bookmark this hotness for a variety of social bookmarking and networking sites (Technorati, Facebook, Del.icio.us, StumbleUpon, Reddit, etc.), and Digg is on that. If you are so inclined, feel free to go over to Digg and tell them how hard they blow stank herpetic peen for unfairly fucking over your favorite website ever in the history of the world.

Labels: computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, internet domination, Razzification

# posted by Razzy @ 5:27 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Everything--including comments--in moderation

Some of you may have noticed that I have turned on comment moderation. Before any of my beloved Razzy Haters have anxiety attacks about my intention to censor their negative opinions of me, let me explain why I've done this. There is one commenter in particular who constantly posts comments that are completely off-topic from what I've written (as I've never written anything detailing an inexplicable and asinine blanket hatred of Muslims and black people) intended to divert traffic to his shiteous website.

Longtime Razzy readers can probably figure out who this fucktard is. He's a marginally literate ex-con I've douchebagged in the past for being a racist idiot, which changed the tone of his e-mails and comments to me from "I like ur site LOL" to accusing me of being a "slut" and a "cunt." While normally I don't give a shit what people write in the comments, I'm really annoyed that his pathetic ass gets no traffic and he keeps coming to my site, writing the same tired racial slurs ad nauseum, and linking to his site...because reading incoherent rants about Tookie Williams and Keith Olbermann and looking at pictures of his pencil dick are obviously of greater interest to my readers than anything I might compose.

I've been deleting his comments as soon as I get a notification that he posts one, but then he left the following comment last night and I had just had it:

i think i'm going to start leaving links to my far superior site on your site, everyday, at 3am. think of all the people who will read it before you get up and kick your way through the garbage and delete it, LOL.

If you want to learn how to host your own site i'll be more than happy to show you how. for a nominal fee of course.

all you have to do is let me shit on your face. we go to brooklyn maybe once a month so if you're interested in a professional website written in php, mysql, and flash we'll set up a time and you can come and see us on Brighton beach and 10th and let me shit on your face.

What say?

Well, as tempting as that offer of going to the far side of my most hated of boroughs, Brooklyn, to have my face shit on sounds, I have a counter-proposal. What say I teach YOU how to have a website that actually gets some traffic besides you and your three buddies from the Aryan Brotherhood with computer privileges at fucking Elmira? I actually went to his dumb site to pull a screen capture so you could all see what a phenomenal web designer this fucktard is, and thanks to his mad skills with php, mysql, and flash, a stat-tracker popped up to advise me that I was visit number 6054. That means it's the 6054th time someone loaded his home page for the entire life of his site. By contrast, I've had 13,884 page loads from 9,519 unique visitors this week alone. And while my site does a respectable amount of traffic for a personal blog, that's still not very much compared to a lot of other websites with a greater reach and a higher Google PageRank. So it seems that, in spite of his site's supposed superiority, it's not even a contest when it comes to the number of people who want to read my site versus those who want to read his. I'd be happy to teach him how to author a site that people not from his white power prison gang actually want to read, for a nominal fee, of course.

And speaking of his prowess at webmastery, I think that the jury is still out on whether his skills are "far superior" to mine. I'll be the first to admit that I suck at computery stuff, but I'm sure I could learn if I cared. Sure, RAZZY.org's (woefully neglected) home page is what IvyGate charitably called "internet 1.0," but nobody is here to see what a fabulous design template I can create. My website is all about useless bullshit, a subject matter that hardly implies aptitude concerning the technical ins and outs of publishing for the internets. Somehow, however, I think that with a copy of Web Design for Dummies I could come up with something at least as good as the mind-blowingly sophisticated home page this asshole has developed for his waste of bandwidth:

Yeah, that's definitely WAY better than my site. I'd pay top dollar to learn how to make something as professional and sophisticated as this. Man, RAZZY.org looks like something designed by a shit-throwing Rhesus macaque in comparison.

My opinion on what is "far superior" is obviously biased and subjective, so if you wish to judge for yourself, why not compare the tits available on RAZZY.org versus the tits available on his site (his stank mail-order bride's feedbags)? If you had to choose, which set of sweater puppies would you rather motorboat?

From his site:

From my site:

Even the Haters who routinely call me fat and ugly probably would take me without even thinking twice.

Anyway, as a result of all this annoyance, I went ahead and turned on comment moderation so this loser parasite won't interrupt the flow of people alternately praising me and suggesting that I'm a hideous, withered old hag with a flabby body, a totally busted face, and a pathetic need for attention from anonymous commenters. I figure that since I'm not turning moderation off until he goes away and I am not going to mention him ever again after this post, he'll eventually go find someone else's website to hassle with his inane attempts at self-promotion, if he doesn't wind up back in prison or forget to pay his electrical bill first. I may be too dumb to figure out how to ban IP addresses (and that's actually not the case, I'm just too lazy...a really condescending guy from tech support at my hosting company instructed me on how to do so a while back when the general of the Tej Offensive was trying to get me raped via Craigslist casual encounters ads for busting on Smith girls), but I can certainly easily go to Blogger and select the "enable comment moderation" option. Looks like I've got the last LOL.

So, that's why I have to approve all your comments for the time being. Never fear, I'll still be happy to publish any and all the fat/ugly/slut/lunatic/moron/attention whore comments (and obviously the "Razzy, you are a fucking GOD!"-type comments too). I generally welcome free speech and encourage everyone to share what's on their mind regardless of whether it's complimentary to me or not. So long as you aren't linking to this asshole's site, rest assured that you can wish AIDS on me to your heart's content. Besides, I'm told that moderation is a good thing with regard to sweet, sweet alcohol, so maybe the same is true with anonymous blog commentary.

Labels: computer incompetence, excuses, free fucking speech, internet domination, Razzy Haters

# posted by Razzy @ 8:13 AM 8 Comments Links to this post

Friday, March 28, 2008

Ivy League hating fails to meet expectations

Last week, my ongoing legal drama got covered by IvyGate, a gossip website for the Ivy Leagues. They pulled a picture of me off my lab's website in which I look fucking HORRIBLE, so I sent them an e-mail with an update regarding my legal situation, a commendation for their coverage, and a request for a photo swap. I didn't want to give the editors of this website the impression that I wanted them to put a disproportionately hot picture of myself, so I sent some pictures that were equally unflattering but at least funny.

Well, apparently despite the fact that she runs something as unbelievably lame as an IVY LEAGUE GOSSIP BLOG, editrix Maureen O'Connor thought my cheeky e-mail and request were evidence of my being "batshit crazy" and wrote a lengthy post to that effect. Certainly sending correspondence obviously intended to amuse and goofy pictures are right up there with auditory hallucinations and imaginary friends in terms of diagnostic criteria for insanity. She also accused me of sending pictures featuring "nudity," as apparently my Lil' Kim and Britney Spears Halloween costumes offended her prudish sensibilities (which may have been because she didn't get the cultural references at all and seemed to think that these were outfits I routinely wear year-round), and suggested that I have no future as a scientist. OH NO! IvyGate has destroyed my career by insinuating that I'm mentally ill and made inferences as to my professional potential and ability...maybe I should sue them for defamation! I hear that's what all the kids are doing these days.

Oh, wait. Any employer who relies on the opinion of uptight Princeton undergrads running a shit-talking gossip blog to judge my merits as a virologist is too dumb to meet my standards, and really, the only evidence of my supposed batshit craziness that Maureen presents is that there are pictures of my boobies on the internets, I jokingly compared a guy who has sexually harassed, threatened, and menaced me in lab for YEARS to Hitler and Bin Laden, and I bragged that I could run a better presidential campaign than Hillary Clinton. Granted, I suppose that since delusional people can claim defamation any time someone writes an opinion of them they don't like, I could always go through the trouble of suing, but groundless libel lawsuits are for losers. Besides, Maureen redeemed herself when she described RAZZY.org as a "bizarro internet 1.0 media empire" (and I think calling it 1.0 is being generous...I would rate my web design skills at a lousy 0.005) and wondered if I'm an "insane genius." Plus, I got mad extra traffic! Looks like I'll be getting $10 in ad revenue this month instead of $5. BOO-YAH! Thanks, IvyGate!

Anyway, Maureen's repeated use of the phrase "batshit crazy" was clearly a gem of originality compared to many of her colleagues in terms of insulting me. Calling me fat and/or ugly and/or a slut has always been a favorite way for Razzy Haters to express displeasure regarding something I've posted, but who knew that the Ivy Leaguers of the internets were equally trite? Some of the comments on the IvyGate post:

Maybe if we were the last two people alive, and there were no sheep. Are there sheep?-Y10 (as in Yale class of 2010)

this girl is astoundingly unattractive-ugh

Seriously i am tired of looking at this ugly girl. Go away!! Please, put up something new. It's been long enough. What the hell is taking so long?-P11

Your craziness comes from your willingness to smear some guy for not giving you oral sex.
Your trashiness comes from your posting your flabby body all over the interwebs.-@Razzy/Angie

I'm waiting to see something besides this chick's ugly-ass body all over my screen.-Y10

This chick is god-awfully ugly. Please put a new post on the front page.-Y09 (man, those Yalies really aren't feeling me!)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. I'm a fat, ugly, attention whore and I shouldn't talk shit about assholes who scream threats at me for writing about my own damn sex life because I'm too much of a fatass troll to get laid with the undoubtedly Adonis-like nineteen-year-olds at Princeton and Yale. Boo hoo. The only one I give any props to is the person who went deep through my archives, found a post where I talked about my concerns regarding getting HPV-induced throat cancer from all the unprotected cocksucking I've done in my time (and on a virological aside, like 90% of college age adults have HPV, so I'm hardly alone in these concerns), and noted that "I'd rather lick a stripper pole than touch that."

I'm disappointed that those student ID card-carrying Ivy Leaguers couldn't come up with anything better than the same tired fat/ugly/slut/pathetic/attention whore crap that Razzy Haters have been slinging at me for the past three years that I've blessed the internets with my awesomeness. Given the insufferably superior opinion most Ivy League kids have of their own intellect, I would have expected better material. As it turns out, not a single member of this elite group of blog reading intelligentsia could come up with something to top the greatest Razzy anonymous comment hate-on of all time ("Always the cum dumpster, never the bride"). In fact, the anti-Razzy comments deviating from this vein mainly complained about how this story isn't good enough for a highly respected journalistic outlet like IvyGate to publish, and (erroneously) that I'm complaining about sexism because they don't like me. I'm not complaining about shit except that these lame-ass cliched insults are BORING, the editor of a gossip blog considers cleavage and a bare midriff to be "nudity" and can't distinguish a Lil' Kim Halloween costume from normal honey-getting attire, and I expected better vitriol from students of such reputed academic institutions as Princeton and Yale.

I'm really disappointed with the caliber of hating that the Ivy Leagues can produce. As long as they're going to stick with the ugly/fat/skank routine, they could try to get creative with it. Granted, I don't expect brilliance on par with my batshit crazy insane genius, but this is DeVry University-level hateration at best. Step it up, kids. I know you can do better.

Labels: down with OPB (other people's blogs), grad school bullshit, internet domination, Razzification, Razzy Haters, sluts, you're ugly

# posted by Razzy @ 8:04 AM 13 Comments Links to this post

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Razzy Madness

The last few weeks I've been so caught up in my legal drama (which has been discussed at length) and labwork (which has not, because nobody wants to read about boring science) that I totally forgot to make brackets or join a pool or make foolish wagers or anything to celebrate March Madness. Perhaps, as certain other website authors have suggested, I am indeed "batshit crazy," because the voices in my head were telling me that I'm black, handsome, I sing, plus I'm rich, and I'm a flirt. Oh wait, that was the R. Kelly jam I was rocking out to alleviate my stress. Whatever.

I'm also batshit crazy because I not only have naked pictures of myself on the internets, wear revealing Halloween costumes, replace actual content with either aforementioned naked pictures of myself or links to old posts on days when I'm feeling lazy, and think I could run a better presidential campaign than Hillary Clinton, but I would have picked Gonzaga to go all the way (as usual) and they already went down in the first round (also as usual) like me on hot honeys who reciprocate. I think there are few indications of insanity more obvious than consistently picking a team infamous for failing to meet expectations and making an early exit from the tournament just because a girl loves Catholics from the P-N-Dub and because Casey Calvary, Gonzaga's center circa 1999, went to her high school. Batshit crazy, indeed.

Anyway, since it's now too late to get my NCAA basketball on now that my life has calmed down, I just decided to celebrate my lunacy with a different set of tournament brackets. It's RAZZY MADNESS! Madness because I'm crazy...get it? It's time to pit great achievements in Razzification against one another in the ultimate display of extremely narcissistic batshit crazy useless bullshit. Behold, the brackets of awesomeness:

There will be some big upsets in this tourney (ie: Captain Sigurd Hansen declaring me the mighty F/V Northwestern's .1 fan on his MySpace blog destroying three legendary Razzified contenders), some expected victories (ie: my dogs, my tits, and my poisons of choice going to the Final Four), and some close ones (ie: hot girl-on-girl barely squeaking past Bev Niner, undoubtedly in an overtime buzzer-beater), but I don't think anyone will be surprised to see that I am picking my breasts to ultimately reign supreme. They are, after all, the primary piece of evidence as to my mental derangement. Said craziness is the source from whence all my useless bullshit springs, so naturally the tits will take it. Trust. So if you'll excuse me, I have to go provide some consolation to Johnnie Walker Black and Heineken for their impending defeat at the hands of the victorious breasts by drinking large quantities of both.

Labels: intentional buffoonery, internet domination, Razzification

# posted by Razzy @ 12:30 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: members of the Razzyphiles Facebook group

Name: various (but special shout-out to ElCyd for creating the group)

DOB: various

Occupation: useless bullshit connoisseurs, hot-ass pieces, lovers of yours truly

Hometown: various

Current residence: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=25477690607&ref=mf

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Yesterday I was in a dark and depressed mood (and I was horribly hung over from drinking my problems temporarily away the night before), and I spent much of the day conferring (Gchatting) with the Razzy.org Office of General Counsel. At one point, I was on the Gchat horn with ElCyd, and after a lengthy conversation about legal matters, she changed the subject to cheer me up:

ElCyd: i think we should start a razzyphiles facebook group
Razzy: HELL YES!
Razzy: that turned my frown upside down
ElCyd: YES!
ElCyd: who doesn't want to be a razzyphile?
Razzy: FOR REAL
ElCyd: holler at me if you want to chat more
ElCyd: ima make this razzy group
ElCyd: lates
Razzy: HOT

(10 minutes later)

ElCyd: i've appointed myself Razzificator
ElCyd: because it's so GWBush-like
Razzy: NICE
Razzy: i love it
Razzy: wait, is it on facebook yet?
Razzy: because i'm obvi joining immediately
ElCyd: yes
ElCyd: i sent you an invitation
ElCyd: (duh)
Razzy: KICK ASS
ElCyd: hell yeah.
Razzy: dude i love it
Razzy: this has turned a shitty day into a great one!

Anyway, ElCyd managed to hook me up with two things I needed: lawyerly advice and a much-needed ego stroking. I am pleased to say that with regard to the latter, there are now almost 30 official card-carrying Razzyphiles...and I don't personally know at least 10 of them! In fact, when I joined my own fan club, there were already four other members, and I had joined 5 minutes after its creation! That rules so hard.

Razzyphiles are the hotness in my book (duh), as in addition to loving me, they are willing to sign up for "useless bullshit" as one of their main "Beliefs and Causes." That is a belief and cause I respect and have devoted my extracurricular life to, and I salute you all for being insanely smart, clever, sensible, maddeningly sexy, and generally rocking harder than a Judas Priest concert circa 1986. I love you guys. For serious, people. I really, really, REALLY do, and I thank you from the bottom of my tar-filled, shriveled Grinch heart for your reading what I put a lot of time and effort into, telling me what you think, and lining up behind me in support. Oh, and your worshipful adoration. That rules too.

Oh, yeah, and if you haven't joined yet, what's your problem? Don't you want to be one of the (30) cool kids on Facebook? I mean, if you're on MySpace instead, let me remind you that it's not 2005 anymore. Facebook is what all the youngsters are doing these days on the social networkity internets, so get with the times. And make your Razzyphile status official by joining the group! YEAH!

Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, ElCyd, Facebook, I LOVE IT, internet domination, Razzyphiles

# posted by Razzy @ 8:52 AM 4 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Razzyphiles: the Facebook group

In addition to providing me with excellent (and free) legal advice, hilarious inside information on her hometown homo-hater Rev. Fred Phelps, and generally being a hot piece, ElCyd just ran even further up the Razzyphile ranks by starting a RAZZYPHILES FACEBOOK GROUP!!!!

She also did this on a day when I needed it most, as I have been enveloped in a dark cloud of positively un-Razzified energy all day long, and have spent much of my day corresponding with various attorney types and feeling cranky. I'm still convinced that I am absolutely in the clear and everything is going to be A-okay (sorry to disappoint Anonymous the Armchair Lawyer who continually chimes in with predictions of doom for myself) with regard to my legal drama, but nonetheless, this turned my frown upside down.

So obviously, you should all go out and join. Except Razzy Haters, who are welcome to stay put and continue opining on my being (old/ugly/fat/badly coiffed/stupid/boring/skanky/legally fucked over/inept/lame/pathetic/insert other negative descriptor of choice here) and generally rejoicing in my misery and unhappiness on the comment pages. I have my own Facebook group! WIth 16 people in it. Including at least ONE who I don't even know! That totally rules.

What are you waiting for? Go make your Razzyphiliac status totally official and join my Facebook fan club NOW.

Labels: ElCyd, I LOVE IT, internet domination, Razzification, Razzyphiles

# posted by Razzy @ 3:07 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Daily Douchebag: Jimmy Wales

Name: Jimmy "Jimbo" Donat Wales

DOB: August 7, 1966

Occupation: founder of Wikipedia, dickhead ex-boyfriend

Hometown: Huntsville, Alabama

Current residence: St. Petersburg, Florida

Douchebaggery: Jimbo started cheating on his now-estranged wife with Canadian right-wing Fox News pundit Rachel Marsden in 2007. Unfortunately, all those years of being a married computer and finance nerd left him lacking in the How-to-Dump-a-Bitch department. Instead of acting like a mature adult and telling Rachel that they were finished via personal correspondence, he decided to break the news on Wikipedia.

That was particularly inadvisable, because Jimbo knew from dating Rachel that she doesn't respond well to being a woman scorned. Previously, she was banging some Canadian counter-terror officer and, when that went south, claimed on her website that he leaked classified documents to her and posted pictures and correspondence between the two of them. Jimbo was certainly aware of this because he and Rachel had a lengthy instant message conversation about getting the facts straight on her Wikipedia page, and he wanted to resolve the discrepancies about her ex issues immediately because "the last thing I want to do is take a break from fucking your brains out all night to work on your wikipedia entry :)."

Unfortunately, Jimbo conveniently forgot that Rachel has a website and she's not above using it to get back at a dipshit ex when he dumped her via Wiki, and that inspired Rachel to sell off his clothes on eBay and post some of their better smiley-face emoticon-laden IM conversations. Among them are debates over which rooms at the Washington D.C. Doubletree have more furniture to fuck on, concerns about whether Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin are reading their sexy Gchats, building a "Google killing" search engine which would enable Jimbo to buy a jet they can fuck in, and the inherent seductive capabilities of South Korea's mindblowing broadband infrastructure.

I'd say Rachel was a crazy bitch, but I do this kind of stuff myself when somebody deserving of public humiliation really, REALLY pisses me off. If some dude was enough of a bastard to inform me that we were through on a Wikipedia page, I would probably do the same thing. Dumping someone by internet encyclopedia is a truly debased, pussified move. Jimbo may have plenty of money from his career as a futures trader-turned-internet mogul, but clearly that doesn't buy class or balls. If he can type things like "hellllooooooooooo sexy girl :)" then he should at least be able to compose an e-mail saying, "this isn't working out for me" or "let's just be friends." Rachel's probably better off, because I can't imagine anyone with so little courage or consideration has a particularly large penis. Looking at Jimbo's picture and seeing his pathetic attempts to take style points from "House, M.D.," I'm thinking he's rocking a golf pencil. Rachel could do better.

This whole sordid affair reminds me of something I've been thinking about for some time now, specifically that you should never trust anyone so fond of using punctuation-based emoticons. Granted, I employ this means of expression sometimes in AIM or Gchat, but I do so sparingly. A while back, I fucked this guy who I have a work relationship with, and it was one of the more disastrous hookups I've had in a long time. He wouldn't leave my apartment, he unloaded all sorts of personal baggage on me, he drank all my beer, he rummaged through my personal effects without permission, and while the sex was fine, by the time he left I was ready to punch him for so severely overstepping the boundaries of a drunken hook-up. Since then, the number of :) and ;)'s in his e-mails--most of which are professional because I have ZERO interest in cultivating a personal relationship with this guy--increased exponentially. Virtually every piece of correspondence I receive from him is peppered with statements like "maybe when you finish that project :( you'll have time to get a drink with me ;)." I don't need you to ask me for a drink in between requesting my professional assistance with one work project or another and then qualify that proposition with a semi-colon/parenthesis meant to imply "WINK, WINK, you know what that means." I get it. You want a repeat roll in the hay, or at least another opportunity to pester me with bullshit that you should be telling a therapist. Since then, I get very suspicious anytime I see a dude overusing this means of expression. Beware the emoticon.

Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, internet domination, overcompensation, sex, small penises

# posted by Razzy @ 8:40 AM 3 Comments Links to this post

Monday, March 03, 2008

Surrender Razzy

Today I got an e-mail from a new Razzyphile who just discovered my site:

From: Bongo Hercules (bongohercules@freeemailplace.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: what's cookin' good lookin'?

Hi there! I'd like to audition for your rejects page! I'm old! I'm not fat or bald, or married, but I DO have a lot of disgusting body hair and I can probably work up a soul-curdling grin.

Wanna fuck me yet?

I'd have sent a picture, but I don't have any babies around. What if I take a picture of my dick next to a cabbage patch doll?

Sorry. I think I'm funny.

What I really wrote you about is I noticed your picture with the strap-on and wanted to clue you on some internetty stuff that might be useful to you.

First, the double-strap harness with thigh straps will give you better control than those panty looking things with the thin vinyl straps. The vacu-lock system is the most relied upon, and you can get it from jt's stockroom,(http://www.stockroom.com/) and see it in action, with dozens of variants on doggystyle girl-girl sex at http://ultimatesurrender.com.

If you've never heard of ultimate surrender, it's a site where girls wrestle and then the winner fucks the loser. If you ask me, this thing has prime-time ESPN written all over it. Me and some dyke friends follow it religiously, and they seem to like it as long as the femmy porn-star girls lose. When the big dykey girls lose they get uncomfortable for some reason. Trust me, it's at least as cool as Battlebots. (Not what I'd call erotic, exactly, but it has a warped charm. It's sort of what I think cheerleader camp ought to be...)

I guess now would be a good time to tell everyone that I figured out how to bang a broad doggystyle with my strap-on. I appreciated all the good advice I got, and it turns out all I needed was a little practice, which my special girlfriends have been more than gracious about giving me opportunities to do. In spite of now being a slightly more experienced dilettante in the field of fake penis-fucking, I always am happy to watch professionals in action and "at least as cool as Battlebots" is enough of a selling point for a nerd like myself, so I went over to Ultimate Surrender to check it out.

Ah, of course. Ultimate Surrender is run by kink.com. Kink.com is an online porn production company known for running various fetish porn sites. Among their sites are Fuckingmachines.com (women get penetrated in every orifice by a variety of power tools modified with sex toys ie: "the drilldo"), Wiredpussy.com (women get electrodes hooked up to their snatches and shocked), Meninpain.com (women beat the shit out of male submissives), and Hogtied.com (pretty self-explanatory). Kink.com is also notorious in the porn industry for frightening talent out of the business by mistreating them horribly. I would argue in kink.com's defense that any would-be porn skank shooting for a site called wiredpussy.com shouldn't be surprised when they break out the alligator clips and the car battery, but I digress. Compared to the rest of kink.com's offerings, Ultimate Surrender is pretty tame.

Anyway, I didn't want to pay to watch an Ultimate Surrender match in its entirety, but I was disappointed with what I did see. First, there was less strap-on action than I would have liked (because let's face it, the whole I-eat-you-out-you-eat-me-out paradigm of lesbian porn is booooooooorrrrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnnggggg), and what I did see was kind of ridiculous. It seems like wrestling while wearing a strap-on would be cumbersome and put the competitor as a disadvantage. I have zero experience in wrestling apart from watching WWE and having exuberant sex with multiple position changes, so my first order of business if I were going twat-to-twat with an experienced butch porn wrestler like "Vendetta," "Spartica," or "The Hungarian Nightmare" would be to grab that bitch by the fake cock and start swinging her around the ring.

Furthermore, it seems like fucking the loser is less of a prize than one would imagine. Shouldn't the loser have to fuck the winner? The winner has to do all the work! Ever since I started hitting the ladies with my strap-on, I have a newfound respect for men. Fucking someone with a penis is hard work! If I won a vicious lesbian wrestling match and my prize was to throw my back out giving orgasms to some skank I defeated, I'd withdraw from competition. Those orgasms should be mine! That's almost worse than winning "Flavor of Love" and being awarded with a cheap-ass grill and the opportunity to sit on shriveled hood-hobbit dick. The Ultimate Surrender seems like the Ultimate Rip-off as far as I am concerned.

That said, I do agree with Bongo Hercules that this should be on ESPN. It might need a little tweaking to suit my taste, but I'll take hardcore lezzie wrassling over those poker tournaments they have on ad nauseum any day. Besides, it's "non-scripted," so it probably qualifies as a sport rather than "sports entertainment" like WWE. And there should be more lesbians on TV not named "Ellen" or "Rosie" anyway. Call your cable company today and demand "Ultimate Surrender." Hell, it's got at least as good a chance of getting on cable as the NFL Network.

Labels: internet domination, lezbollah, perversion, porn, Razzyphiles, real-life rejects

# posted by Razzy @ 8:10 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Memory Lane

It's that point in the week where I'm overworked and underinspired, so rather than just make a lame excuse for why I'm not as prolific as usual today, I figured I would just provide some links to great Razzy moments of lore. That way new Razzyphiles can sift through the over 1,000 posts (!) I've written over the past two and a half years, and old Razzyphiles can wax nostalgic about where they were, who they were with, and what they were doing when they read it. Kind of like my Grandma remembered where she was when she heard Pearl Harbor got bombed, or my parents remember where they were when JFK was shot, or how I remember that I was in my living room in Tacoma when my ex-boyfriend called to tell me to turn on the TV on 9/11...except in a good way. I guess it isn't really a great selling point to compare my (totally unimpeachably awesome) website to Pearl Harbor, Kennedy's assassination, or 9/11, but you get the point. RAZZY.org is life-changing, and I'm pleased to be providing such a monumentally important useless bullshit service for your enjoyment and edification. So please enjoy some of my favorites from days past in no particular order:

Much like the Tenth Plague, I'll pass over your sorry ass The agony and the ecstasy of drunken facials

Jamie Foxx is a predictable asshole and Robert Sylvester Kelly is the world's greatest

The lousiest lays, vol. 1 Multiple penis piercings and the vaginas that hate them

The lousiest lays, vol. 2 The smallest penis I've ever seen

Razzy: Modern Artiste My first and only Dadaist exhibition

Razzy: Pissing off officious Smith bitches since 1996 The initial skirmish which erupted into the Tej Offensive

Don't blame Canada. BOMB Canada. U! S! A! U! S! A!

Razzy Haters' Ball Haters, they want to hate

Attention old women with rotten vaginas: I'm no longer your gym whipping bitch My first terrifying encounter with Twat-Washer

Q: What's grosser than gross? A. CHONGAY CHONG

Building a mystery Dildos don't just get up and walk out of your bedside drawer

The proof is in the pussy-loving hat Lindsay Lohan is totally a muff diver

I'm a Sig girl Sig Hansen is the hotness and I won't rest until everyone agrees with me

Herr Doktor, put down your copy of Mein Kampf and give me my fucking contact prescription If you happen to get your eyes checked at Columbia, don't go see Dr. Rainer Mittl

From the Smith College vault: Tangling with the Dead Gays Bitches named "K8" are not to be trusted

From the Smith College vault: Razzy gets busted for possession Hey, kids, don't do drugs or candles, and definitely don't piss off your fat, uptight lesbian residence coordinator at a party where you're doing either

Licking snatch for dummies And speaking of Smith College...

One tequila, Two tequila, Tila Tequila...WHORE Bitch stole my reality show

Anyway, enjoy. I'll be back in full motherfuckin' effizect tomorrow. Try to endure until then. Godspeed.

XOBJBS,
Razzy

Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, internet domination, Razzification

# posted by Razzy @ 7:50 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Monday, February 18, 2008

Daily Douchebag: Redtube

Name: redtube.com

DOB: 2007 (?)--that's when I discovered its existence

Occupation: purveyor of free pornography

Hometown: the internets

Current residence: the internets

Douchebaggery: Normally I'm a big fan of redtube.com, which is one of my go-to clearinghouses for free online porn. On Saturday night, I went on a romantic date with this guy who took me out to dinner, then out for drinks, and then back to his crib for a nightcap/hot sex. We did actually have a nightcap before the hot sex started, and while we were sipping our drinks, somehow we wound up on his computer looking at porn. Like I said, it was very romantic. Actually, it didn't start off as watching porn so much as debating whether or not this clip of a naked chick streaking onto a soccer pitch and scoring a goal was a fake or not. Somehow, our discussion of porn tube sites revealed my extensive knowledge of them, and the conversation eventually found its way to Belladonna sticking a baseball bat up her ass. I said, "Here, let me look it up, I know it's on RedTube."

I scrolled to the top of the page to enter "Belladonna" in the search box, but couldn't find it. Shockingly, RedTube got rid of their search function! I looked all over the page, thinking I was missing something. Nope. The search box was no longer where it was supposed to be at the top of the page. Bullshit!

This really annoys me. According to the porn gossip internets, this may have something to do with porn industry big shots taking action against tube sites like RedTube for piracy. Okay, so MAYBE all the non-amateur shit on RedTube is copyrighted and posting it there is technically illegal. However, I don't see how being able to search through all the pirated content there is contributing to it. If piracy is the problem, why doesn't RedTube just remove trademarked material that gets flagged, much the way YouTube constantly takes down Tom Cruise Scientology videos? Now I just have to be content with sorting through whatever videos on RedTube have been recently uploaded, and that's no fun. What am I supposed to do on a day when I feel like seeing Jenna Haze taking it up the ass and nobody has uploaded any illegal Jenna Haze anal footage lately? Sure, I like the element of surprise, but on days when I'm in the mood for something specific, like an all-cheerleader lesbian orgy or a scene from inTERActive, I don't want to sort through 50,000 amateur scenes with titles like "Wife gives blow job" or "Handjob from German amateurs."

Furthermore, even without the search, it's still quite simple finding scenes from obviously copyrighted porn movies. For example, here's a scene of Peter North and some other guy DPing a chick, and as he's the most recognizable male name in the industry next to Ron Jeremy, Peter North isn't filming a damn second for free. Here's a pretty boring lesbian scene with Jenna Jameson (before she got ugly) with Sunrise Adams, and it was obviously shot when they were both Vivid contract stars. And here's my favorite porn chick Briana Banks demonstrating her superior acting skills with an assumed Southern accent ("it's they-ur weddin' day, silly...they're gonna be up there till the cock crow-uhs") and taking it every which way by a pool. All of these famous porn stars didn't wake up one day and decide to post amateur videos to RedTube for free. Some dude at home jerking off ripped these off the DVD (or more likely, a usenet group where these were already being illegally shared) and posted them to RedTube. In fact, half the scenes that claim to be "amateur" actually have well-known porn stars in them. Even without the search function, finding glaring examples of copyright infringement on RedTube is not hard. So bring back the search!

Labels: computer incompetence, Daily Douchebag, internet domination, porn

# posted by Razzy @ 6:11 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: YOU, if you're a computer nerd

Name: your name!

DOB: your DOB!

Occupation: whatever it is, it involves proficiency at blog design and cascading style sheets

Hometown: wherever you're from!

Current residence: wherever you live, but preferably somewhere in the vicinity of NYC

Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Last night, I was hanging out with my buddy Mullah AntoniHo. Well, actually, he doesn't want to be called that anymore for fear of being associated with Ahmadinejad who is getting too crazy for even his taste, so now he's going by TAFKAMA--The Artist Formerly Known as Mullah AntoniHo. Anyway, while we indulged in the nectar of the P-N-Dub (Vitamin R AKA tallboy cans of Rainier beer), TAFKAMA was telling me all about his job and how Amazon.com is recognizing his computer genius properly, and I took the opportunity to beg him for his help.

"Dude, I am so incompetent at webmastering, can you help me?"

"You just need a new layout. Your layout sucks," he said in his typical half-amused, half-scornful manner.

"It's because I suck at coding! I can barely wrap my mind around basic HTML!" I said. "And CSS KILLS me. I am so fucking bad at it, I just can't figure it out! It galls me to no end that when you go to the link for an individual entry, my 'RazzyBlog' header isn't there any more. Well, it's there, but it's the same color as the background. I have dicked around with everything in the template and can't change it."

"Yeah, and you should move your blog to your home page, too. All that stuff on there sucks," he added.

"I don't know how! HELP ME!"

I was praying that TAFKAMA would take pity and just fix my shit in like 30 seconds. As long as I've known him, he has been a computer whiz. When we were in high school, and the internets were still in their infancy, he always managed to find disgusting pictures of horse fellatio and other sick shit on Prodigy. I figured that he'd be able to at least tell me how to make the necessary changes, or point me to some nerd who could help.

Unfortunately, it turns out that being able to write crazy programs for Amazon's account management websites doesn't correspond with being able to make simple repairs to a computationally retarded slut's personal blog. TAFKAMA couldn't even tell me which variety of geek I should ask for at the Geek Squad or whatever to help me. He did, however, suggest something that might help.

"Um, hello, dumbass, you have fans on the internet. One of them can probably help you. Or can hook you up with someone who can."

"You think I should just beg shamelessly on my blog?"

"Yes. 'Daily Dude I Want to Hit: YOU, geeks!'"

I thought TAFKAMA might be onto something, so here it is: my shameless plea for help from those of you with competency with html and CSS, or those of you who know someone who might be. PLEASE help me. I am not above prostituting myself for technical support. Seriously, I will fuck your brains out if you can help me out. In fact, I'll blow you just for referring me to someone I can fuck for blog design help. And if you're not into me, I'll hook you up with someone you are into. JUST HELP ME, because currently my geek squad looks like that picture above, and that's working about as well as Chingy!'s diet. In other words, NOT AT ALL.

Seriously, HELP! HELP! HELP!

Labels: computer incompetence, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, internet domination, Mullah AntoniHo

# posted by Razzy @ 11:00 AM 3 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

But does he have a MySpace?

My favorite fanatical despot is quickly becoming Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The guy is crazy as a loon, but he's determined to make sure his craziness is heard round the world. Therefore, he did what all lunatics with nothing better to do on their hands (since he's apparently not busy enriching uranium and building nukes after all): he started a blog!

YES! Goodbye Dlisted, A Socialite's Life, Bossip, The Superficial, and What Would Tyler Durden Do?, hello Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Personal memos!

In addition to lots and lots of rambling craziness (my favorites are Ahmadinejad's message to "Noble Americans" trashing Bush or his polemic against airport security entitled "Fingerprinting the passengers, an image of power or insult to human dignity?"), there's a confusing autobiography that reads like something--ironically--out of a Salman Rushdie book, some correspondence Mahmoud has received over the internets, and a lot of Allah-praising. There's also a hot photo gallery of Ahmadinejad striking a variety of presidential poses.

This is sincere, conviction-filled Ahmadinejad.

This is Ahmadinejad's foreign policy face. In other words, it's his "I'm pretending to listen to your argument for the validity of the Holocaust having actually happened as opposed to it being a farsical tale made up by Zionist pigs to fuck us over but I'm actually thinking about which Members Only jacket I want to wear to my next press conference denouncing America" look. It's a hot one.

This is his half-smirking, that's-the-most-ridiculous-thing-I've-ever-heard face. There are no gays in Iran, just as there are no cats in America and the streets are made of cheese. DUH.

It's impossible to be a fundamentalist Islamic dictator--I mean, democratically elected president--without a powerful jihadist fist pump. Down with the American and Israeli infidels!

And finally, my favorite, is where Ahmadinejad shows his sexy side. Mahmoud McDreamy!

Has anyone over at the Department of Homeland Security checked out Patrick Dempsey lately? Because I think these two could be related. Ahmadinejad even wears the same wardrobe that Patrick Dempsey rocked in late 80s classics like Can't Buy Me Love.and Loverboy. And the next time one of my friends starts gabbing about "Gay's Shitnatomy," I'm going to stop her right in her tracks by being like, "Whatever...IRAN SUPPORTER. They should put you on a no-fly list!" Hey, maybe I can get "Grey's Anatomy" canceled by claiming that they support terror...Okay, maybe it's a stretch to say that strictly because Patrick Dempsey and Ahmadinejad KIND OF look a little bit alike, but I'm sure I could cook up some sort of reasonable-sounding argument that's just ridiculous enough to work. I'm an expert in bullshit, after all, and I feel the same way about "Grey's Anatomy" that Ahmadinejad feels about Israel and the Bush administration. Besides, making stuff up works really well here in America; remember how well that "there's weapons of mass destruction in Iraq" thing worked out? Well, if you were like "t-t-t-totally dude" when it comes to getting involved in an unfixable shitshow of a war, it worked out great! I think getting "Gay's Shitnatomy" taken off the air is even more noble a cause than fighting terror or whatever it is we're supposedly doing in Iraq

Sadly, there is no online store. I would love to get whatever type of politically explosive t-shirts this crazy fool could design. Furthermore, if Mahmoud puts his own favorite styles up there, I'd better buy some stock in the Men's Wearhouse because that shit is going to skyrocket. I hope that as he refines the content, he will realize how brilliant it would be to make Ahmadinejad merchandise. I'd buy some just to have a shirt that talks trash about Bush in Farsi. In the meantime, I'll just enjoy reading his psychotic yet hilarious ranting. Iran, fuck yeah!

Labels: assholes, down with OPB (other people's blogs), Grey's Anatomy, international intrigue, internet domination, politics, tyrannical rulers

# posted by Razzy @ 9:54 AM 0 Comments Links to this post

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