Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Avada kedavre! No, seriously, AVADA FUCKING KEDAVRE!
Okay, so I know that the "Avada kedavre" killing curse only works in Harry Potter, but frankly it's about as believable as the latest stunt epic douchebag David Blaine is pulling as far as "magic" is concerned. Besides, the prospect of eliminating him Voldemort-style in a rush of green light has never been more appealing. I wish that I could Avada kedavre David Blaine and get him to permanently cease and desist clogging up my news pages with tales of his latest exploits in pointlessness.
In the past, David Blaine has somehow managed to convince the public that swimming around in a giant breast implant, being frozen in a block of ice, and being trapped in a plexiglass box constitutes some sort of illusionist mystery. The reality is that David Blaine just likes to tell everyone there is something wizardly and enigmatic about doing uncomfortable things for a really long time when you wear eyeliner and black shirts. I have news for all the gullible morons who like to ooh and aah about David Blaine's so-called feats of amazement: his apparent high tolerance for repeated extended urethral catheterization doesn't indicate magic so much as a penis with impaired sensory capabilities. He's no Uncle Majic the Hip-Hop Magician, that's for damn sure.
His latest exercise in media whoring charlatanry, dramatically named the "Dive of Death," involves him hanging upside down in Central Park for two days. Apparently this means he could be at risk of high blood pressure, blindness, and a stroke. I'm hoping that all of the above will go down and result in David Blaine going on the permanent PUP list for magicians, but so far he's just dangling like a giant pretentious bullshit-spewing Robert Downey, Jr.-impersonating bat.
He's like a giant douchebag-shaped piñata, and his handlers were wise to suspend him six stories up. If he were within reach, I'd gladly start pummeling him, and that wouldn't end well, because instead of pouring out delicious candy, he'd likely unleash a giant shitstorm of loathsome assfuckery. Since I can't play Bludgeon-the-Fucktard, I will instead just root for a stroke. LET'S GO STROKE!
Labels: assholes, Harry Potter, magick is bullshit, NYC, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: the Hip-Hop Magician
DOB: ???
Occupation: who the celebrities call for their kids' birthday parties
Hometown: Brooklyn, New York
Current residence: Brooklyn, New York
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Because who doesn't want a "hip-hop magician" that all the celebrities hire for their kids' birthday parties? I certainly do, even though I'm not sure what "celebrities" these are. Somehow I can't really see Donald Trump, Kimora Lee Simmons, or Madonna being swayed by his ads (which are usually on during "I Love Money" and other similar trashtastic Vh1 reality shows), but I'd settle for hiring any "hip-hop" celebrity magician/clown who brings a magic show, balloon animals, games, a popcorn maker, a cotton candy machine, and a bouncy castle to all of his gigs. That's assuredly much better than what magicians usually bring, which if Criss Angel is any indication, includes trucker hats, body jewelry from Hot Topic, a soundtrack composed solely of Korn, Linkin Park, and Drowning Pool songs, and an insufferable sense of condescending superiority that is supposed to pass as mysterious intrigue. Frankly, I'm tempted to call 718-892-0760 just to see if I can afford his rates for my thesis defense party next year. That would be a welcome departure from the usual cheap champagne and Saigon Grill takeout selection that typically mark a grad student's passage from academic serfdom to a real job. I dare you not to want Uncle Majic to demonstrate his arts at your next special occasion after watching his video:
AD WIZARDS: Hip Hop Magician
As it turns out, I was wrong about the celebrities he's been hired by. I went to hiphopmagician.com and it turns out Kimora Lee Simmons DID book him for her kids' birthday party! He's also performed for the likes of Alan Houston, Wendy Williams, and Treach, as well as warmed up crowds for Mike Epps, Chris Rock, and Dave Chappelle. He claims that "the only thing that separates me from David Blaine is a few thousand dollars." I would argue that he's also separated from David Blaine by accomplishing a feat of illusion that no other magician has yet done: a mere glance at him doesn't make me hate him and wish for his violent death, as is the case with Mr. Blaine and his contemporaries in faux magical bullshit. In fact, even more miraculous and amazing is the fact that I actually LIKE the hip-hop magician and experience feelings of wanting him to perform for me rather than explode in a freak balloon animal accident. I'm not a celebrity, and I don't have kids, but nonetheless I want to call him for my birthday party anyway.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, hilarious shit, I LOVE IT, magick is bullshit, ridiculous absurdity, TV
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Mystery
Real name: Erik von Markovik
DOB: Sept. 24, 1971
Occupation: Self-appointed seduction guru and founder of the "Venusian Arts" pick-up method, walking 1990s-rave-era accessories rack, misogynist, misleader of men, itty-bitty-pee-pee syndrome sufferer, star of the VH1 reality series "The Pick-up Artist"
Hometown: Toronto, Ontario (I knew he was fucking Canadian)
Current residence: A Beverly Hills mansion dubbed the "Hollywood Project" where unfuckable nerds gather to learn how to insult stupid women from Mystery and his cadre of "seduction mentors" (i.e. ugly dudes in distracting, effeminate outfits)
Douchebaggery: Unsurprisingly, Mystery began his life as a frustrated Dungeons and Dragons aficionado who never got laid. In an incomprehensible bid to change his luck, he became a Penn-and-Teller-esque magician in New York, and through thousands of trials that doubtlessly led to thousands of drinks being thrown in his face, Mystery developed what he calls a foolproof method for "getting beautiful women into bed fast."
Apparently, this involves teaching ugly virgins to insult women they want to sleep with within three minutes of meeting them to confuse and unbalance them, thereby exploiting unstable women's attraction to emotional retards and abusers.
It isn't surprising that a D&D fan/magician would come up with such a lame and trifling program. The Mystery Method lexicon includes such anti-cool terms as "Avatar" (the silly, sleazy pseudonyms Mystery and his minions self-apply, like "The Matador," "J-Dog," "Herbal" and "Ajax"), "peacocking" (dressing said Avatar in puzzling, drag-queen-ish outfits to cause women not to ogle, but rather to double-take, that have included but are not limited to chrome-framed goggles, animal-print-inspired hair-dye jobs, obsolete facial piercings and fluffy top hats), "neg" (a comment intended to demean a woman and set her about begging for approval and "qualify" for the right to fuck a clown like Mystery).
At first, mainstream normals like us had no idea who Mystery was, because having healthy sex lives and maintaining a general respect for our fellow human beings, we felt no need to explore manuals that would teach us to con drunk people into flirting with us. But now, as reality television lovers who have no choice but to lap up every single VH1 series except "Scott Baio is 45...and Single," we are thrust into merciless awareness of Mystery and his program for teaching losers how to convince themselves and others of their dominant social status in watering holes and dance clubs.
Apparently, lots and lots of nerd virgins are eager to pay Mystery to teach them what wife-beaters have known for years - that misogyny is a powerful aphrodisiac to insecure women. He's become rich selling multimedia products, delivering seminars and "in-field" evaluations of students trying to hit on drunk girls and even conducting a workshop last year at M.I.T., where nerd virgins gather to become wealthy and, inexplicably if they want to get laid, attend what must be the only other higher education institution in America besides VMI and the Citadel where male students still outnumber their female counterparts.
Mystery will get his well deserved comeuppance, however, when he loses it all after his list of prerehearsed lines (sorry, "openers") and "negs" like "Nice nails. Are they real?" become well known to women. Wouldn't it be so fucking awesome to be a fly on the wall when some drunk chick being harassed by a tubby, clammy virgin hears something she recognizes from "The Pick-Up Artist" and replies with a curt, "You're one of those mouth-breathing Mystery wannabes, aren't you?"
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, LL Cool Jew, magick is bullshit, overcompensation, small penises, you're ugly
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
"Jerusalem's Most Hated", per LL Cool Jew
[RAZZY EDIT: This entire thing was written by LL Cool Jew. Those dumb magicians really pissed her off, so she crafted this asskicking piece of awesomeness. Since right now I'm busy right now pissing myself with excitement given that "After the Catch" is on and it's like 99.9% Sig Hansen being super fucking hot, so I'm just going to skip the fancy formatting and file folder creating/uploading and let LL speak for herself. I'll stick up some pictures of these douches acting as such tomorrow. Enjoy.]
Here's the Wall of Judaica Shame...ie: L.L. Cool Jew's Hall of Heinously Embarrassing Judaica
By LL Cool Jew
We Jews have much to be proud of. Our exploits in math, law, journalism and fiction, finance and comedy are storied and universally recognized (though the sheer marvel of great Jews like Eddie "The Jewish Giant" Carmel, who at 8 feet 9 inches once literally towered over the Big Top as a star with Ringling Bros' Circus and was lauded as the "tallest man alive" all too often go unnoticed). But let's be frank: every great race of men have a few bad apples in the genetic barrel. Modern republican traditions (the highest achievements of civilization) can be traced to the Roman Senate; that culture also produced Caligula. Spain brought us both Picasso and the Scourge of Iglesias. Lord Horatio Nelson will be remembered as the brave, hot, seas-dominating credit to the British race he was; Margaret Thatcher was a real C.U.Next.Tuesday. And even with the sons and daughters of David, for every Einstein, Koufax and Baron Cohen, sadly there's a Copperfield (nee David Seth Kotkin), Wolfowitz and Geraldo Rivera.
David Blaine: (born David Blaine White on April 4, 1973 in Brooklyn, New York, USA) is an American illusionist and stunt performer.
His father was Spanish-Puerto Rican and his mother, Patrice White, was of Jewish and Russian origin. You know him better as the freak in the big glass ball of water for three weeks like a fucking idiot just to get attention. I know him better as an embarrassment to my kind. And his mom's even the Jew, so you can't even deny ownership of him Good thing he changed his name a little so as to disguise himself slightly from the gentiles. But that hirsute, swarthy, cheap-blond-fucking air about you gives you right away.
David Copperfield: (born David Seth Kotkin on September 16, 1956) is a world-renowned American magician and illusionist best known for his combination of spectacular illusions and storytelling.
Copperfield was born in Metuchen, New Jersey, to Jewish-Ukrainian immigrants. Right, so, as we were telling your bro Blaine over there, changing your name to blunt the embarrassment to your fellow descendents of Eastern European immigrants can be a really helpful thing, but giving yourself some fairy, make-believe, Dickensian pseudonym just does more damage. Because you know what that does? It sends middle American potential Jew-haters to Google saying to their cousins, "Yo, what's that douche's real name?" Keep humping away at Claudia Schiffer's aging bones, you Fuhrer-lover.
David Frum: (born 1960) is a Jewish Canadian-American former speechwriter for President George W. Bush, and the author of the first "insider" book about the Bush presidency.
He is also a prominent neoconservative. David Frum now speaks on behalf of the American Enterprise Institute along with Frederick Kagan on CNN. Their views are still sympathetic to neo-conservative ideology. This is the man who brought you the memorable, constructive phrase "axis of evil," then ditched his boss to drag his sorry Canadian ass around every political sounding-off forum, from "Anderson Cooper 360" to the venerable NPR political chat hour, the "Diane Rehm Show," just drooling his pompous, played-out politics on behalf of that witches' coven the American Enterprise Institute. He's an embarrassment, but he ain't half as embarrassing as his intellectual godfathers.
Paul Wolfowitz: (born December 22, 1943) is an American former academic and government official.
As United States Deputy Secretary of Defense during the administration of President George W. Bush, he was a principal "architect" of the Iraq War. On June 1, 2005 he was appointed president of the World Bank Group, but resigned on May 17, 2007 (effective June 30, 2007), as a result of an investigation by the World Bank's board of executive directors, which accepted his resignation, "ending a protracted and tumultuous battle over his stewardship, sparked by a promotion he arranged for his companion." And by "companion," we mean his "fat Arab girlfriend," but that is the least of the strikes against this truly timeless fuck-up. This is the guy that planted that image of "being greeted as liberators" into a distracted, nervous Congress browbeaten by post-Sept. 11 jingoism. This is the guy off of whose intellectual nuts former SecDef Donald Rumsfeld (WASP tyrant that he is) just could not remove himself. We will be paying for this Jew's damage for some time. Every time he gets on TV, I'm like, "When are they going to figure out this guy is a Jew and start rounding us up?"
Noam Chomsky: Avram Noam Chomsky, Ph.D (born December 7, 1928) is an American linguist, theorist, and political activist.
He is the Institute Professor Emeritus of linguistics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Beginning with his critique of the Vietnam War in the 1960s, Chomsky has become more widely known — especially internationally — for his media criticism and politics. He is generally considered to be a key intellectual figure within the left wing of United States politics. Chomsky is widely known for his political activism, and for his criticism of the foreign policy of the United States and other governments. OK, to be honest, Noam Chomsky is obviously a smart guy.
I'm not sure whether I dislike Noam Chomsky, or whether I just dislike people who say they read Noam Chomsky. But it troubles me somehow that he's Jewish.
Lizzie Grubman: Elizabeth S. "Lizzie" Grubman (born January 30, 1971) is a publicist who gained notoriety for committing a felony crime.
She is the daughter of multi-millionaire entertainment lawyer, Allen Grubman, and his wife, the late Yvette Grubman. In July 2001 Grubman drove her SUV into a crowd of people outside a Long Island nightclub, injuring 16 people. I had to actually call this woman on her cell phone about this case when I interned as a news girl at a New York area tabloid. Sigh. That she partially represents work to me is not reason enough for her to be hung on the Wall of Shame. It's really just the fact that she soaked her Mercedes-jeep-on-innocent-bystanders incident for media coverage that takes care of her embarrassment quota.
Andrea Dworkin: (September 26, 1946 -April 9, 2005) was an American radical feminist and writer best known for her criticism of pornography, which she linked with rape and other forms of violence against women.
This is a bitch against whom I passionately railed as a righteously sexually liberated Smith College junior for her repressive, primitive, man-hating, female-sexuality-mistrusting, straight-up-First-Amendment-violating crusade against porn. Saying porn does damage to women necessarily means that women don't enjoy porn, and every woman I know can attest against that. Anyway, don't get me started. Suffice it to say, thank God the good old U.S. Constitution was around to fend off that fat, embarrassing Jewess.
Rob Bourdon, drummer, and Brad Delson, guitarist, Linkin Park:
A favorite to gum-snapping, nitrous-huffing, C-getting little self-involved, fake-me-out-depressed sluts across the nation. Thanks guys.
Kenny G. (Gorelick).
I don't know anyone who owns a Kenny G album, but I'm pretty damn sure that guy's tunage has cock-blocked many a long-deprived suburban husband's stab at getting grudgingly laid because his bitch wife was listening to her Kenny G CDs. Shudder.
Paula Abdul: This is a good one.
Abdul was born in San Fernando, California, to Harry Abdul, who once worked as a livestock trader and owns a sand and gravel business in California, and Lorraine Rykiss, a former concert pianist who once worked as an assistant to film director Billy Wilder. Abdul's father was a Mizrahi Syrian Jew who immigrated with his family to Brazil and then to the U.S., while her mother is also Jewish and originally from Saint Boniface, an area of Winnipeg, Canada. Fancy! But that doesn't forgive Abdul her crazy near Chihuahua missing, nose-breaking escapades; the video for "Opposites Attract" or her generally disheveled, neurotic, poorly dressed persona. I mean, ew!, Paula Abdul.
Geraldo Rivera: Now, contrary to popular belief, it's an urban legend that the bombastic television "journalist" changed his name from Jerry Rivers, but the fact remains that Geraldo's mother is a full-blooded Jew.
For Christ's sake. Rivera was born in New York City, New York to Cruz Rivera (later "Allen Cruz Rivera"), a Puerto Rican, and Lillian Friedman Rivera, a Jewish American (what a monicker!) We needn't display the evidence of his being an embarrassment. We go through it on a weekly basis on Fox News.
Julius and Ethel Rosenberg: TRAITOROUS RAT BASTARDS.
America has been good to us--why bite the hand that feeds you? Glad they fried your asses.
Phish: Like the Grateful Dead, Phish play unstructured, jammy, jazz-inflected music, tour incessantly, and occupy a special place in the hearts of many a Jewish hippie.
Phish have a leg up over their predecessors in the Jewish department, though: the band has not one but two Jewish members. Both drummer Jon Fishman and bassist Mike Gordon are Yids, making Phish officially one-half Jewish. The band embraces its roots, playing "Yerushalayim Shel Zhahav" and "Avenu Malkenu" in concert. That was taken from a pretty hilarious Web site, www.jewsrock.com, because I don't really know anything about Phish except for that I hate them and they suck. I don't think I've ever heard a Phish song (and I know I couldn't identify one if it happened to come on ) but I fucking can't stand Phish fans or Phish culture and I don't want anything to do with it. Gentiles obviously love that hippie bullshit, and it's embarrassing.
[RAZZY EDIT #2: LL Cool Jew is fucking hilarious. I wish she would write for the blog more often! It's more fun than reporting on local Southern Mississippi political intrigue (albeit maybe not as rural Southern beauty pageants, Christian choirs, or colorful gents who won't clean all the rusting hulks of bat-inhabited car chassis in their yards, anyway...*HINT*]
[RAZZY EDIT #3: FYI--trust fund hippies everywhere have ruined the reputation of the goyim via their unfortunate Phish fetish, as well, and I am equally resentful. Did you know that those assholes in Phish covered "Gin and Juice"? No, seriously. And every time I'm like, "I hate Phish," some dreadlocked fucktard goes, "Well, they totally jammed out to 'Gin and Juice' dude, you'll like that. Here, let me pop in my 'Tucson, August 12, 1994' cassette!" Then it gets played, and I avoid committing mass murder only by going to a happy place, where a young Calvin Broadus squashes hordes of unbathed, overprivileged morons beneath the cheerfully bouncing tires of his '60s model hydraulic-equipped Impala without even knowing who they are. Gentiles with half a modicum of taste gladly join their Judaic counterparts in cursing the name of Phish.]
Here's the Wall of Judaica Shame...ie: L.L. Cool Jew's Hall of Heinously Embarrassing Judaica
By LL Cool Jew
We Jews have much to be proud of. Our exploits in math, law, journalism and fiction, finance and comedy are storied and universally recognized (though the sheer marvel of great Jews like Eddie "The Jewish Giant" Carmel, who at 8 feet 9 inches once literally towered over the Big Top as a star with Ringling Bros' Circus and was lauded as the "tallest man alive" all too often go unnoticed). But let's be frank: every great race of men have a few bad apples in the genetic barrel. Modern republican traditions (the highest achievements of civilization) can be traced to the Roman Senate; that culture also produced Caligula. Spain brought us both Picasso and the Scourge of Iglesias. Lord Horatio Nelson will be remembered as the brave, hot, seas-dominating credit to the British race he was; Margaret Thatcher was a real C.U.Next.Tuesday. And even with the sons and daughters of David, for every Einstein, Koufax and Baron Cohen, sadly there's a Copperfield (nee David Seth Kotkin), Wolfowitz and Geraldo Rivera.
David Blaine: (born David Blaine White on April 4, 1973 in Brooklyn, New York, USA) is an American illusionist and stunt performer.
His father was Spanish-Puerto Rican and his mother, Patrice White, was of Jewish and Russian origin. You know him better as the freak in the big glass ball of water for three weeks like a fucking idiot just to get attention. I know him better as an embarrassment to my kind. And his mom's even the Jew, so you can't even deny ownership of him Good thing he changed his name a little so as to disguise himself slightly from the gentiles. But that hirsute, swarthy, cheap-blond-fucking air about you gives you right away.
David Copperfield: (born David Seth Kotkin on September 16, 1956) is a world-renowned American magician and illusionist best known for his combination of spectacular illusions and storytelling.
Copperfield was born in Metuchen, New Jersey, to Jewish-Ukrainian immigrants. Right, so, as we were telling your bro Blaine over there, changing your name to blunt the embarrassment to your fellow descendents of Eastern European immigrants can be a really helpful thing, but giving yourself some fairy, make-believe, Dickensian pseudonym just does more damage. Because you know what that does? It sends middle American potential Jew-haters to Google saying to their cousins, "Yo, what's that douche's real name?" Keep humping away at Claudia Schiffer's aging bones, you Fuhrer-lover.
David Frum: (born 1960) is a Jewish Canadian-American former speechwriter for President George W. Bush, and the author of the first "insider" book about the Bush presidency.
He is also a prominent neoconservative. David Frum now speaks on behalf of the American Enterprise Institute along with Frederick Kagan on CNN. Their views are still sympathetic to neo-conservative ideology. This is the man who brought you the memorable, constructive phrase "axis of evil," then ditched his boss to drag his sorry Canadian ass around every political sounding-off forum, from "Anderson Cooper 360" to the venerable NPR political chat hour, the "Diane Rehm Show," just drooling his pompous, played-out politics on behalf of that witches' coven the American Enterprise Institute. He's an embarrassment, but he ain't half as embarrassing as his intellectual godfathers.
Paul Wolfowitz: (born December 22, 1943) is an American former academic and government official.
As United States Deputy Secretary of Defense during the administration of President George W. Bush, he was a principal "architect" of the Iraq War. On June 1, 2005 he was appointed president of the World Bank Group, but resigned on May 17, 2007 (effective June 30, 2007), as a result of an investigation by the World Bank's board of executive directors, which accepted his resignation, "ending a protracted and tumultuous battle over his stewardship, sparked by a promotion he arranged for his companion." And by "companion," we mean his "fat Arab girlfriend," but that is the least of the strikes against this truly timeless fuck-up. This is the guy that planted that image of "being greeted as liberators" into a distracted, nervous Congress browbeaten by post-Sept. 11 jingoism. This is the guy off of whose intellectual nuts former SecDef Donald Rumsfeld (WASP tyrant that he is) just could not remove himself. We will be paying for this Jew's damage for some time. Every time he gets on TV, I'm like, "When are they going to figure out this guy is a Jew and start rounding us up?"
Noam Chomsky: Avram Noam Chomsky, Ph.D (born December 7, 1928) is an American linguist, theorist, and political activist.
He is the Institute Professor Emeritus of linguistics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Beginning with his critique of the Vietnam War in the 1960s, Chomsky has become more widely known — especially internationally — for his media criticism and politics. He is generally considered to be a key intellectual figure within the left wing of United States politics. Chomsky is widely known for his political activism, and for his criticism of the foreign policy of the United States and other governments. OK, to be honest, Noam Chomsky is obviously a smart guy.
I'm not sure whether I dislike Noam Chomsky, or whether I just dislike people who say they read Noam Chomsky. But it troubles me somehow that he's Jewish.
Lizzie Grubman: Elizabeth S. "Lizzie" Grubman (born January 30, 1971) is a publicist who gained notoriety for committing a felony crime.
She is the daughter of multi-millionaire entertainment lawyer, Allen Grubman, and his wife, the late Yvette Grubman. In July 2001 Grubman drove her SUV into a crowd of people outside a Long Island nightclub, injuring 16 people. I had to actually call this woman on her cell phone about this case when I interned as a news girl at a New York area tabloid. Sigh. That she partially represents work to me is not reason enough for her to be hung on the Wall of Shame. It's really just the fact that she soaked her Mercedes-jeep-on-innocent-bystanders incident for media coverage that takes care of her embarrassment quota.
Andrea Dworkin: (September 26, 1946 -April 9, 2005) was an American radical feminist and writer best known for her criticism of pornography, which she linked with rape and other forms of violence against women.
This is a bitch against whom I passionately railed as a righteously sexually liberated Smith College junior for her repressive, primitive, man-hating, female-sexuality-mistrusting, straight-up-First-Amendment-violating crusade against porn. Saying porn does damage to women necessarily means that women don't enjoy porn, and every woman I know can attest against that. Anyway, don't get me started. Suffice it to say, thank God the good old U.S. Constitution was around to fend off that fat, embarrassing Jewess.
Rob Bourdon, drummer, and Brad Delson, guitarist, Linkin Park:
A favorite to gum-snapping, nitrous-huffing, C-getting little self-involved, fake-me-out-depressed sluts across the nation. Thanks guys.
Kenny G. (Gorelick).
I don't know anyone who owns a Kenny G album, but I'm pretty damn sure that guy's tunage has cock-blocked many a long-deprived suburban husband's stab at getting grudgingly laid because his bitch wife was listening to her Kenny G CDs. Shudder.
Paula Abdul: This is a good one.
Abdul was born in San Fernando, California, to Harry Abdul, who once worked as a livestock trader and owns a sand and gravel business in California, and Lorraine Rykiss, a former concert pianist who once worked as an assistant to film director Billy Wilder. Abdul's father was a Mizrahi Syrian Jew who immigrated with his family to Brazil and then to the U.S., while her mother is also Jewish and originally from Saint Boniface, an area of Winnipeg, Canada. Fancy! But that doesn't forgive Abdul her crazy near Chihuahua missing, nose-breaking escapades; the video for "Opposites Attract" or her generally disheveled, neurotic, poorly dressed persona. I mean, ew!, Paula Abdul.
Geraldo Rivera: Now, contrary to popular belief, it's an urban legend that the bombastic television "journalist" changed his name from Jerry Rivers, but the fact remains that Geraldo's mother is a full-blooded Jew.
For Christ's sake. Rivera was born in New York City, New York to Cruz Rivera (later "Allen Cruz Rivera"), a Puerto Rican, and Lillian Friedman Rivera, a Jewish American (what a monicker!) We needn't display the evidence of his being an embarrassment. We go through it on a weekly basis on Fox News.
Julius and Ethel Rosenberg: TRAITOROUS RAT BASTARDS.
America has been good to us--why bite the hand that feeds you? Glad they fried your asses.
Phish: Like the Grateful Dead, Phish play unstructured, jammy, jazz-inflected music, tour incessantly, and occupy a special place in the hearts of many a Jewish hippie.
Phish have a leg up over their predecessors in the Jewish department, though: the band has not one but two Jewish members. Both drummer Jon Fishman and bassist Mike Gordon are Yids, making Phish officially one-half Jewish. The band embraces its roots, playing "Yerushalayim Shel Zhahav" and "Avenu Malkenu" in concert. That was taken from a pretty hilarious Web site, www.jewsrock.com, because I don't really know anything about Phish except for that I hate them and they suck. I don't think I've ever heard a Phish song (and I know I couldn't identify one if it happened to come on ) but I fucking can't stand Phish fans or Phish culture and I don't want anything to do with it. Gentiles obviously love that hippie bullshit, and it's embarrassing.
[RAZZY EDIT #2: LL Cool Jew is fucking hilarious. I wish she would write for the blog more often! It's more fun than reporting on local Southern Mississippi political intrigue (albeit maybe not as rural Southern beauty pageants, Christian choirs, or colorful gents who won't clean all the rusting hulks of bat-inhabited car chassis in their yards, anyway...*HINT*]
[RAZZY EDIT #3: FYI--trust fund hippies everywhere have ruined the reputation of the goyim via their unfortunate Phish fetish, as well, and I am equally resentful. Did you know that those assholes in Phish covered "Gin and Juice"? No, seriously. And every time I'm like, "I hate Phish," some dreadlocked fucktard goes, "Well, they totally jammed out to 'Gin and Juice' dude, you'll like that. Here, let me pop in my 'Tucson, August 12, 1994' cassette!" Then it gets played, and I avoid committing mass murder only by going to a happy place, where a young Calvin Broadus squashes hordes of unbathed, overprivileged morons beneath the cheerfully bouncing tires of his '60s model hydraulic-equipped Impala without even knowing who they are. Gentiles with half a modicum of taste gladly join their Judaic counterparts in cursing the name of Phish.]
Labels: LL Cool Jew, magick is bullshit, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Magicians should do what they do best and DISAPPEAR
I just saw an ad for "Criss Angel: Mindfreak" and almost tried to beat up my television. I can't stand magicians. Magicians are a bunch of douchebag charlatans who do shit that I have ZERO interest in watching. Criss Angel spends most of his time hovering around like some sort of low-budget demon from a White Zombie video, and occasionally make something disappear. This episode, he's running some dipshit with overfrosted skater hair over with a steamroller, while the dipshit screams bloody murder. If the dipshit were crushed into a puddle of sun-kissed shaggy bangs, Hot Topic pre-edgily cut-and-safety-pinned Ramones shirt, and stray Anarchy patches, I would watch this show and cheer. However, in the nick of time, Criss Angel swoops in like a lugubrious guardian angel from the roof of the Luxor or whatever and perpetrates some Dark Magick goth quackery. Suddenly the dipshit is fine, out from under the steamroller, laughing in amazement, and recommending the experience to everyone. The only way I'd watch this version is if Criss Angel explained his methods for pulling off this illusionist stunt. However, since magicians never reveal their secrets, that's not going to happen, so what the hell is the point of watching it AT ALL?
Apparently some people enjoy seeing unbelievable sights without questioning how exactly they were generated, as evidenced by the number of people who always line up to see David Blaine's bitch ass. He pulls a lot of his magical stunts (AKA stupid physically impressive shit that most people wouldn't bother to do because it's POINTLESS) in New York, and everytime he's around, you want to know where so you can avoid that part of town. There's always thousands of people just itching to see him suspended over Times Square or swimming around in a giant breast implant in front of Lincoln Center. The only "magic" in this man's arsenal is his seemingly inordinate capacity for voluntarily urethral catheterization. However, there are obviously a lot of people who can't get enough of his accessible yet macabre demeanor. Unfortunately for me and my stress level, magician futures are looking up.
Because of the consumer demand for intolerable bullshit, there's actually feuding groups of fans debating about who the greatest, darkest, most mysterious active magician is. I don't know how they can even tell them apart. It's like looking at three subtly different models of douchebag. The styling is a little different, but they're all basically dudes equipped with pencil dicks and trying to overcompensate by creating a vague, enigmatic image with which to hoodwink bitches into fucking them and tourists into coughing up some cold, hard cash.
Criss Angel (AKA "Mindfreak," AKA "The Avril Lavigne of Magicians")
The only dark mystery I see regarding this dude is why he seems to actually want to get his pelvis anywhere near Paris Hilton's. Otherwise, he's just another fucktard in a trucker hat with a nipple ring and black nail polish who needs to cut his damn hair. Man, I hate guys with long hair. Androgyny is not hot unless your name is David Bowie, so grow a pair and trim that mop! Oh, and BT-Dubs, Gwar called, and they want their stage decorations back.
David Blaine
Criss Angel basically bit David Blaine's style and added slightly more eye makeup. David Blaine likes to remind everyone that he's a mysterious "street" magician, so he knows both card tricks and HARD CORE STUFF, like wearing a bunch of nails instead of, say, a nice Pashmina scarf. He also does a lot of hard core stuff like Photoshopping the shit out of his eye color.
David Copperfield
David Copperfield was the OG brooding illusionist. He pioneered the look, and stock in black turtleneck factories skyrocketed. He also perfected the art of arcanely smirking while levitating passports, presumably to intrigue his audience. What is going on being that perplexing and secretive facade??? I don't care.
Some women allegedly find these magician types sexy. I have absolutely no idea why. According to the gossip internets, Cameron Diaz has been caught "canoodling" with Criss Angel all over Las Vegas, and in the picture above you can almost see the Neisseria gonorrhoeae transferring from Paris's vadge over to his nether regions. David Blaine allegedly has boned the likes of Fiona Apple (not necessarily something to brag about; see Cameron Diaz, above), Madonna, and Daryl Hannah. David Copperfield was banging Claudia Schiffer back in his (and her) heyday. I don't know why any self-respecting woman would want to have sex with them just looking at their packaging, but I certainly cannot fathom why they want to actually date or have a relationship with them.
I bet these guys never knock off the chicanery. I bet they squire a lady out on the town and spend the whole night doing annoying magical bullshit, like making silverware disappear at dinner and pulling movie tickets out of their ears. You'll be trying to get to know them, ask what kind of popsicles they like or whatever, and they'll start performing card tricks instead of behaving like a normal human being having an adult conversation. Once I was on MTV's show "Boiling Points," where improv actors try to infuriate hapless participants, who win $100 if they keep their tempers under control. I was the hapless participant, and was on a drink date with this dude (who I would not have fucked just based on his appearance), who would not stop singing. He sang the drink orders, he sang my name, he sang about grad school, and he did his job by thoroughly pissing me off. I didn't win $100 because I finally snapped and told him that if he didn't shut the fuck up, "I'll stick my stiletto heel through your larynx." I predict that the only thing eerie about hanging out with these magicians is the undoubted similarity to what transpired when I was on "Boiling Points" in terms of what would go down. What would not go down is me.
Magicians are losers. Get a real job, you cheating bullshit artists.
Apparently some people enjoy seeing unbelievable sights without questioning how exactly they were generated, as evidenced by the number of people who always line up to see David Blaine's bitch ass. He pulls a lot of his magical stunts (AKA stupid physically impressive shit that most people wouldn't bother to do because it's POINTLESS) in New York, and everytime he's around, you want to know where so you can avoid that part of town. There's always thousands of people just itching to see him suspended over Times Square or swimming around in a giant breast implant in front of Lincoln Center. The only "magic" in this man's arsenal is his seemingly inordinate capacity for voluntarily urethral catheterization. However, there are obviously a lot of people who can't get enough of his accessible yet macabre demeanor. Unfortunately for me and my stress level, magician futures are looking up.
Because of the consumer demand for intolerable bullshit, there's actually feuding groups of fans debating about who the greatest, darkest, most mysterious active magician is. I don't know how they can even tell them apart. It's like looking at three subtly different models of douchebag. The styling is a little different, but they're all basically dudes equipped with pencil dicks and trying to overcompensate by creating a vague, enigmatic image with which to hoodwink bitches into fucking them and tourists into coughing up some cold, hard cash.
Criss Angel (AKA "Mindfreak," AKA "The Avril Lavigne of Magicians")
The only dark mystery I see regarding this dude is why he seems to actually want to get his pelvis anywhere near Paris Hilton's. Otherwise, he's just another fucktard in a trucker hat with a nipple ring and black nail polish who needs to cut his damn hair. Man, I hate guys with long hair. Androgyny is not hot unless your name is David Bowie, so grow a pair and trim that mop! Oh, and BT-Dubs, Gwar called, and they want their stage decorations back.
David Blaine
Criss Angel basically bit David Blaine's style and added slightly more eye makeup. David Blaine likes to remind everyone that he's a mysterious "street" magician, so he knows both card tricks and HARD CORE STUFF, like wearing a bunch of nails instead of, say, a nice Pashmina scarf. He also does a lot of hard core stuff like Photoshopping the shit out of his eye color.
David Copperfield
David Copperfield was the OG brooding illusionist. He pioneered the look, and stock in black turtleneck factories skyrocketed. He also perfected the art of arcanely smirking while levitating passports, presumably to intrigue his audience. What is going on being that perplexing and secretive facade??? I don't care.
Some women allegedly find these magician types sexy. I have absolutely no idea why. According to the gossip internets, Cameron Diaz has been caught "canoodling" with Criss Angel all over Las Vegas, and in the picture above you can almost see the Neisseria gonorrhoeae transferring from Paris's vadge over to his nether regions. David Blaine allegedly has boned the likes of Fiona Apple (not necessarily something to brag about; see Cameron Diaz, above), Madonna, and Daryl Hannah. David Copperfield was banging Claudia Schiffer back in his (and her) heyday. I don't know why any self-respecting woman would want to have sex with them just looking at their packaging, but I certainly cannot fathom why they want to actually date or have a relationship with them.
I bet these guys never knock off the chicanery. I bet they squire a lady out on the town and spend the whole night doing annoying magical bullshit, like making silverware disappear at dinner and pulling movie tickets out of their ears. You'll be trying to get to know them, ask what kind of popsicles they like or whatever, and they'll start performing card tricks instead of behaving like a normal human being having an adult conversation. Once I was on MTV's show "Boiling Points," where improv actors try to infuriate hapless participants, who win $100 if they keep their tempers under control. I was the hapless participant, and was on a drink date with this dude (who I would not have fucked just based on his appearance), who would not stop singing. He sang the drink orders, he sang my name, he sang about grad school, and he did his job by thoroughly pissing me off. I didn't win $100 because I finally snapped and told him that if he didn't shut the fuck up, "I'll stick my stiletto heel through your larynx." I predict that the only thing eerie about hanging out with these magicians is the undoubted similarity to what transpired when I was on "Boiling Points" in terms of what would go down. What would not go down is me.
Magicians are losers. Get a real job, you cheating bullshit artists.
Labels: assholes, Criss Angel, intentional buffoonery, magick is bullshit, overcompensation, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments
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