Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Daily Douchebag: California AB 2914
DOB: February 22, 2008
Occupation: levying a 25% tax on gross revenues from the sale of pornographic books, magazines, films, videos, etc.
Hometown: Sacramento, California
Current residence: Sacramento, California
Douchebaggery: Man, today is certainly the Morrissey'sHair edition of my website. He blew me up on chat about the start of Kells's trial, suggested Jon Lester for Daily Dude, and this for Daily Douchebag:
Morrissey'sHair: BTW, DD idea for tomorrow
Morrissey'sHair: The State of California
Razzy: daily douchebag or dude?
Morrissey'sHair: Douchebag
Razzy: dude=go gay marriage
Razzy: douchebag=25% porn tax
Morrissey'sHair: YES
Morrissey'sHair: Porn tax
Razzy: yes, that is what last week's dude kayden kross was so upset about!
Morrissey'sHair: the Terminator better shoot that one down if it comes across his desk
Razzy: TRULY
Morrissey'sHair: It was on CNN today
Morrissey'sHair: Looks ready for passage
Razzy: the worst part about that tax
Razzy: is it can be assessed at multiple stages of the porn production and distribution process
Razzy: so it actually becomes a 125% tax
Razzy: thus effectively ending porn production in california
Razzy: which is where the majority of US porn is produced
Morrissey'sHair: That means my Buy 2 @ $29.99 per piece dvds, get one free will now be in the $80.00 range!
Morrissey'sHair: Unamerican
Razzy: TRULY
Razzy: at least redtube is still free
Morrissey'sHair: Look out Seattle
Morrissey'sHair: There's a ton of snotty girls around here who could use a few extra hundred bucks for a facial
Razzy: LOL
Razzy: seriously
Morrissey'sHair: Maybe Vince Voyeur will set up an office here
You might be thinking, so fucking what? I don't live in California! I don't have any California state tax liability. WRONG, fool! If you buy and watch porn, you're going to pay this tax (and if you don't, then you're a lame prude who's missing out). The vast majority of porn in the U.S. is produced in the San Fernando valley. As Morrissey'sHair astutely pointed out, the cost of his buy 2, get 1 free DVDs at the Westlake Castle Superstore in Seattle will skyrocket, because due to the way porn is produced, distributed, and marketed, this tax could be assessed as many as 4 or 5 times on any given product (although Calderon insists that it will be capped at a whopping 50%), and ultimately that means the consumer will have to pick up the tab.
Sure, the porn industry could just move to another state. However, they may not have another state to move to, since California has a unique legal environment suitable for porn production. In 1982, the California State Supreme Court ruled in California vs. Freeman that the production of adult films did not constitute pandering, and is thus legal. No other state has similar legal precedent legitimizing the adult industry, which is why 90% of domestic porn is produced in the San Fernando Valley. It's also why people like Assemblyman Calderon have to resort to obscene taxes that don't even make financial sense (this will bring in $665 million in tax revenues, but will cost California $3.5 billion in lost jobs and industry revenues) to fight porn, since it's legal and qualifies as protected free speech. I should add that bills like AB 2914 are exactly why I'm a libertarian; I don't think the government has any business depriving me of my constitutional rights with absurd tax laws. Fuck that. No taxation of masturbation!
Luckily for Morrissey'sHair and myself and every other red-blooded American who likes to rub one off to a good, old-fashioned, Made-in-the-US-of-A hardcore porn film, it seems that this bill is actually not set to cross the Governator's desk anytime soon. According to porn industry reporters, the bill was sent to the "suspense file" of the Assembly Committee on Revenue and Taxation, meaning that it's not even going to be voted on. If it is voted on, it's unlikely to get the 2/3 majority required to pass tax hike legislation in California. Thank God for tax-hating Republicans who pledged not to vote for this or any other tax increases, and thank God for a non-fundamentalist Christian tax-hating Republican governor who will veto/terminate that shit on the off chance it does make it through the legislature.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, masturbation, Morrissey'sHair, politics, porn
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
More dumbfuckery on the Lower East Side
All the kids on MySpace are probably wishing they were 21 and living in NYC, because this tool is opening a bar on the Lower East Side:
That's Pete Wentz. When he's not challenging Jared Leto for the Honorary Robert Smith Excellence in Excessive Eyeliner Award, he plays bass for Fall Out Boy, this crybaby band of "punk" male lesbians who write songs about their feelings and whine about their relationship problems. He's also famous for sticking his dick into Ashlee Simpson, who should advise him to get those caterpillars waxed off his brow next time he gets those feathered layers touched up at the salon.
New York magazine interviewed this douche about his new business venture, and it turns out that Pete Wentz simply had to open a bar because there aren't any that are cool enough for him in all of Nueva York, as all the bars are apparently "for dudes with Rod Stewart hair and white belts to go hang out at." Therefore, he's opening his own place called Angels and Kings, and let me tell you, there's NO PLACE along Avenue A anything like this joint:
I guess I really shouldn't expect much more than stuck-up rambling about his contrived concept dive bar from a dude who whacks off to Morrissey posters (for that extra dose of emo bitch credibility) and takes pictures of same with his Sidekick:
I think I speak for everyone when I compliment the friendship bracelet/Swatch combo for really underscoring the fact that Pete Wentz has the maturity and originality of a twelve-year-old girl in 1992. That's some really SUPER kewl fashion sense right there. It's the perfect accompaniment to that badass flaming yin-yang heart tattoo on his happy trail, which got the waxing his eyebrows so desperately need.
Regrettably, I won't be able to go discuss the Cliff Notes of No Exit on April 30th and drink Fall Out Boy-inspired shots alongside the rest of the studded belt-wearing pseudo-intellectual crowd when this place opens. I'll be back in the P-N-Dub, eating lots of salmon, and, most likely, lots of Tacoma dick.
[Razzy Edit: Okay, so this bar is on 11th and Ave A, which is technically the Village of the East, but same difference. I'm still calling it the Lower East Side, so all you New Yorkers, don't rush to fucking correct me.]
New York magazine interviewed this douche about his new business venture, and it turns out that Pete Wentz simply had to open a bar because there aren't any that are cool enough for him in all of Nueva York, as all the bars are apparently "for dudes with Rod Stewart hair and white belts to go hang out at." Therefore, he's opening his own place called Angels and Kings, and let me tell you, there's NO PLACE along Avenue A anything like this joint:
"Dudes can use the chicks’ bathroom and vice versa, so that girls don’t have to wait in line. And we’re raising the D.J. booth because the D.J. should be like God. He shouldn’t have to deal with anyone trying to talk to him....We’re putting up mug shots on the wall of people we’re fans of. Like we have this awesome Sid Vicious mug shot where you can tell he’s just like a fucked-up kid, like everyone had him pegged wrong. It speaks to me...This communal thing, it’s a lost narrative in pop culture. You don’t have anything like the Factory anymore, and where people can come together and talk and get wasted. I want it to be like Shredder’s hangout in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2."Yes, I can't think of ANY places down on the LES where the bathrooms are functionally unisex, or that feature a fucked-up looking picture of (junkie wife-beating murderer) Sid Vicious hanging on the wall, or that have some pretentious fucktard running the music, or that welcome hipster assholes who will drop Andy Warhol references while drinking PBR out of a can, comparing facial piercings, and competing to see who has the most ennui. I don't remember what Shredder's hangout was like in Secret of the Ooze, but I sincerely doubt that the commander of the evil ninja underworld was rocking Gym Class Heroes or Avril Lavigne on the fucking jukebox.
I guess I really shouldn't expect much more than stuck-up rambling about his contrived concept dive bar from a dude who whacks off to Morrissey posters (for that extra dose of emo bitch credibility) and takes pictures of same with his Sidekick:
I think I speak for everyone when I compliment the friendship bracelet/Swatch combo for really underscoring the fact that Pete Wentz has the maturity and originality of a twelve-year-old girl in 1992. That's some really SUPER kewl fashion sense right there. It's the perfect accompaniment to that badass flaming yin-yang heart tattoo on his happy trail, which got the waxing his eyebrows so desperately need.
Regrettably, I won't be able to go discuss the Cliff Notes of No Exit on April 30th and drink Fall Out Boy-inspired shots alongside the rest of the studded belt-wearing pseudo-intellectual crowd when this place opens. I'll be back in the P-N-Dub, eating lots of salmon, and, most likely, lots of Tacoma dick.
[Razzy Edit: Okay, so this bar is on 11th and Ave A, which is technically the Village of the East, but same difference. I'm still calling it the Lower East Side, so all you New Yorkers, don't rush to fucking correct me.]
Labels: alcoholism, assholes, capitalism, masturbation, media whores, NYC, oh the horror, overcompensation, retard rage, scathing indictments, sluts, weiners
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Something the world could do without
There is this new show on FX called "Dirt" that's on during ""Nip/Tuck"'s old Tuesdays at 10 timeslot that I didn't get a chance to see until last night. I was shocked by what I saw, and not in a good way. FX is really going downhill, and they have been for several years now. First, they replaced their four reruns of "90210" a day with episodes of "M*A*S*H", thus forever eliciting my scorn and contempt. Then, they seemed to decide as a network that it would be a good idea to rerun Rob Schneider movies six nights a week, and make it such an event that it's hosted by failed MTV VJ Dave Holmes. If watching The Hot Chick or The Animal weren't torture enough already, Holmes and his bimbo sidekick then show all the special features and extras from the DVDs and make inane commentary on it. I and oh, say, EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD does not care how the special effects in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo were executed. Now they have this shitshow "Dirt", and if it weren't for "Nip/Tuck", I would never watch the FX network again.
I've heard about this "Dirt" show because Perez Hilton won't shut up about it, on account that he gets to make a guest appearance in some upcoming episode. Also, allegedly Jennifer Aniston, the pathetically jilted ex-Mrs. Pitt and the fugliest celebrity in Hollywood, is guest-starring in the season finale as a lesbian and she's going to make out with the show's star, fellow "Friends" alumna Courteney Cox. Who fucking cares about that? "Friends" is one of my all time most-despised shows, and any type of televised cast reunion is tantamount to an act of war. The fact that "Friends" managed to pollute TVs everywhere for 10 years (and more, thanks to syndication) is a disgrace and a shameful statement about humanity. The quickest way to get me to NOT watch some other show is to try to simultaneously relive the old "Friends" magic and be edgy by getting Monica and Rachel to say "shit" a few times and then share what I anticipate will be an awkward and completely nonsexual kiss. If they hired a baseball mitt to make out with an empty beer bottle it would be more sensually enticing.
Anyway, this stupid waste of premiere network cable TV-MA LSV time is about Courteney Cox, who is a stressed out, hardassed tabloid magazine editor named Lucy Spiller (and that's supposed to be her real name...how do you grow up to be anything BUT a tabloid magazine editor with a name like Lucy Spiller? That's like naming your kid Mack Strong and expecting him to be anything but a NFL fullback). She's a raging bitch who fires people for petty shit like getting married or calling her a bitch via BlackBerry text messages or generally being inferior at their jobs (ie: "the point is not that he was having sex with a hooker, but that he wanted her to bang him with a strap-on! THAT'S YOUR LEAD!") There's all these sideplots about her head paparazzo being a schizophrenic off his meds, and some blonde chick who lost her acting job because she's a coked-up loser, and some R&B singer whose Irv Gotti-esque record label president cut off his head and stored it in a wine cellar, and I was not intrigued. In fact, I grew bored and contemplated changing the channel. However, I snapped immediately to attention when I saw Courteney Cox whip out her vibrator and start unconvincingly faking an orgasm.
I was unsuccessful in finding the scene from last night's episode on YouTube, but I did find this other one, which suggests that this was not an isolated incident. Apparently, Courteney Cox rubs one off for all the viewers to see in every episode. As if I needed any more incentive NOT to watch this show:
Sweet Jesus Christ on the cross. Who on earth wants to watch this stringy old succubus masturbate to her own magazine? The only people I would think enjoy this are the blind, because at least they don't have to suffer the visual image of Courteney Cox pleasuring herself. They can imagine that all that overdone oohing and aahing is issuing from the mouth of some actually attractive woman, and not the heavily Botoxed wife of David Arquette. If this is the show's trademark, akin to Drs. Troy and McNamara saying their signature "tell me what you don't like about yourself" line at the beginning of every episode, then count me out of the "Dirt" fan club. One thing I can say that I assuredly do NOT want from TV is a weekly date with Courteney Cox and her bedside table drawer.
I would, however, be remiss if I didn't point out that, in spite of all of "Dirt"'s shiteous qualities, there are two awesome things about the show. First, Rick Fox plays a basketball player who likes to take it up the butt and is constantly being blackmailed for other skeletons in his closet by Courteney Cox because his reputation would be permanently destroyed if his anal fetish ever gets discovered. The show is worth watching just to see Rick Fox attempt poorly to feign concern and alarm while saying things like, "I have a family to support! I'm in the NBA! If it ever gets out that I like to receive anal, my career is over!" The other awesome thing is that, as revolting as Courteney Cox doing herself is, I got to see something truly amazing. Grant Show, AKA the super-virile motorcycle repairman and Shooters proprietor Jake Hanson from "Melrose Place", plays a macho Republican action movie star and closeted gay dude, and gives a dude a very strongly implied poolside blowjob. Thank God YouTube had footage of this, because it's like finding a diamond ring in a mountain of dogshit. Behold, the only thing that MIGHT lead to me tolerating another future episode of "Dirt":
From now on, "Dirt" producers, I want more hilarious gay romance Grant Show the Head Doctor and Rick Fox the Anal Queen scenes. Leave the Courteney Cox vibrator footage on the cutting room floor!
I've heard about this "Dirt" show because Perez Hilton won't shut up about it, on account that he gets to make a guest appearance in some upcoming episode. Also, allegedly Jennifer Aniston, the pathetically jilted ex-Mrs. Pitt and the fugliest celebrity in Hollywood, is guest-starring in the season finale as a lesbian and she's going to make out with the show's star, fellow "Friends" alumna Courteney Cox. Who fucking cares about that? "Friends" is one of my all time most-despised shows, and any type of televised cast reunion is tantamount to an act of war. The fact that "Friends" managed to pollute TVs everywhere for 10 years (and more, thanks to syndication) is a disgrace and a shameful statement about humanity. The quickest way to get me to NOT watch some other show is to try to simultaneously relive the old "Friends" magic and be edgy by getting Monica and Rachel to say "shit" a few times and then share what I anticipate will be an awkward and completely nonsexual kiss. If they hired a baseball mitt to make out with an empty beer bottle it would be more sensually enticing.
Anyway, this stupid waste of premiere network cable TV-MA LSV time is about Courteney Cox, who is a stressed out, hardassed tabloid magazine editor named Lucy Spiller (and that's supposed to be her real name...how do you grow up to be anything BUT a tabloid magazine editor with a name like Lucy Spiller? That's like naming your kid Mack Strong and expecting him to be anything but a NFL fullback). She's a raging bitch who fires people for petty shit like getting married or calling her a bitch via BlackBerry text messages or generally being inferior at their jobs (ie: "the point is not that he was having sex with a hooker, but that he wanted her to bang him with a strap-on! THAT'S YOUR LEAD!") There's all these sideplots about her head paparazzo being a schizophrenic off his meds, and some blonde chick who lost her acting job because she's a coked-up loser, and some R&B singer whose Irv Gotti-esque record label president cut off his head and stored it in a wine cellar, and I was not intrigued. In fact, I grew bored and contemplated changing the channel. However, I snapped immediately to attention when I saw Courteney Cox whip out her vibrator and start unconvincingly faking an orgasm.
I was unsuccessful in finding the scene from last night's episode on YouTube, but I did find this other one, which suggests that this was not an isolated incident. Apparently, Courteney Cox rubs one off for all the viewers to see in every episode. As if I needed any more incentive NOT to watch this show:
Sweet Jesus Christ on the cross. Who on earth wants to watch this stringy old succubus masturbate to her own magazine? The only people I would think enjoy this are the blind, because at least they don't have to suffer the visual image of Courteney Cox pleasuring herself. They can imagine that all that overdone oohing and aahing is issuing from the mouth of some actually attractive woman, and not the heavily Botoxed wife of David Arquette. If this is the show's trademark, akin to Drs. Troy and McNamara saying their signature "tell me what you don't like about yourself" line at the beginning of every episode, then count me out of the "Dirt" fan club. One thing I can say that I assuredly do NOT want from TV is a weekly date with Courteney Cox and her bedside table drawer.
I would, however, be remiss if I didn't point out that, in spite of all of "Dirt"'s shiteous qualities, there are two awesome things about the show. First, Rick Fox plays a basketball player who likes to take it up the butt and is constantly being blackmailed for other skeletons in his closet by Courteney Cox because his reputation would be permanently destroyed if his anal fetish ever gets discovered. The show is worth watching just to see Rick Fox attempt poorly to feign concern and alarm while saying things like, "I have a family to support! I'm in the NBA! If it ever gets out that I like to receive anal, my career is over!" The other awesome thing is that, as revolting as Courteney Cox doing herself is, I got to see something truly amazing. Grant Show, AKA the super-virile motorcycle repairman and Shooters proprietor Jake Hanson from "Melrose Place", plays a macho Republican action movie star and closeted gay dude, and gives a dude a very strongly implied poolside blowjob. Thank God YouTube had footage of this, because it's like finding a diamond ring in a mountain of dogshit. Behold, the only thing that MIGHT lead to me tolerating another future episode of "Dirt":
From now on, "Dirt" producers, I want more hilarious gay romance Grant Show the Head Doctor and Rick Fox the Anal Queen scenes. Leave the Courteney Cox vibrator footage on the cutting room floor!
Labels: celebrities, gross, masturbation, Nip/Tuck, oh the horror, ranting, TV, vulgar display of faggotry
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Must buys for my boudoir
A friend of mine employed by a major news network has just tipped me off to some serious breaking news in the business world. It seems my boyfriend Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson has just informed GQ that he plans on further broadening his line of signature products to include condoms and sex toys. And I quote:
"I need to make a 50 Cent condom, and a motorized version of me."While he has stated that he wants his condom line to promote HIV/AIDS awareness and safe sex, he doesn't quite have the particulars figured out regarding his 50 Cent vibrator. I applaud the amount of thought he's putting into it, though. Clearly he's trying to think from a woman's point of view, as he's considered many of the more practical aspects of vibrator use:
"A motorized version of me will definitely have to be waterproof, so you could utilize it in the tub. A lot of them (vibrators) aren't waterproof."I could add that, in my experience, a superior vibrator is one that plugs into a wall outlet. The Sharper Image sells a lot of "neck massagers" that are excellent for this purpose. I've found that the battery-powered ones, while having the advantage of portability, often lose their juice too quickly. However, it is true that there are precious few vibrators that can stand immersion, or more importantly, that won't electrocute you if introduced to the bath or shower. For years, women have been compromised with those variable-speed massaging shower-heads, which I've always found to be woefully inadequate for rubbing one off (it's easier to just do it the old-fashioned way with your dominant hand) AND potent inducers of urinary tract infections. Fitty would clearly be getting into a market with plenty of room to grow by making a waterproof vibrator. This isn't the only concern my man Curtis has for his line of G-Unit pleasuring devices, though.
"Blue is my favorite color, so it would probably be blue. But I don't know how big. I don't know if big is better, because I'm not sure a man wants his woman playing with a really big dildo."Typical men...always concerned first and foremost with their own stupid fucking penis insecurity issues. I wonder if this isn't a clever ruse to distract consumers from the fact that a "motorized version" of himself might not be the hugest weiner women have ever seen. I mean, I've obviously seen his penis like a zillion times, but I'm not at liberty to say how big it actually is because he swore me to secrecy. All I have to say to him is baby, if you want to make a product that women will want to use, that shit better have some girth and *several* different speeds! At least Fitty's final word on the project makes sense:
"I want to create something like that, that's fun and sexually exciting for women."If you pull it off, bitches everywhere will be glad to get in your car, Fitty!
Labels: 50 cent, boyfriends, capitalism, I LOVE IT, masturbation, perversion, rap, sex
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