Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Boo-cock-ay
Yesterday I was at work being awesome when I checked my Gmail and saw that LL Cool Jew had an urgent matter for my attention.
LL Cool Jew: did you get my text?
Razzy: no my phone's been off all morning!
Razzy: meetings, viruses, etc.
Razzy: let me check
LL Cool Jew: k thanks
I checked my phone to see the following text message from LL Cool Jew: "What is bukkake and how do you pronounce?"
Razzy: lol
Razzy: bukkake is pronounced "boo-cock-ee"
Razzy: or "boo-cock-ay"
Razzy: which is probably the more correct japanese pronunciation
LL Cool Jew: k
Razzy: it is the specific genre of porn--or the act in general--of ejaculating all over a girl
LL Cool Jew: k that makes sense
Razzy: in classic bukkake, it's usually multiple men acting as the bukkake-ers
Razzy: but sometimes it's misused to just describe a garden variety facial from one dude although that isn't really "bukkake" if you want to be a purist about it
Razzy: of course this all originated in japan
Razzy: why, did bigbagel ask if you'd be into it or something?
Razzy: and ps--it's fucking typical that I know all this minutiae about the true definition of bukkake
LL Cool Jew: i knew you would be the right person to ask
As it turns out, LL Cool Jew has not decided to spice up her marriage by inclusion of bukkake. She noticed mention of bukkake in the context of some snarky jokes on Dlisted and got curious. However, she wisely recognized that whatever bukkake was, it was probably best not to have a search for its Wikipedia page turn up on her work computer browser history. So she went to the next best thing to the "perv" section of Wikipedia: yours truly. JerseyGirl must have told her what an informative resource I was when I explained to her how ass to mouth differs from a conventional rim job.
This is not to say that I have ever been bukkaked. I wouldn't rule it out, because I've been known to do stuff that's not even particularly appealing to me just to tell the story later, but I don't really see the appeal, in spite of my pronounced semen fetish. I mean, I like dudes to get creative when blowing their loads and I am a champion swallower, but I also like to get off in the course of eliciting said climax. In fact, I insist upon it. Squatting uncomfortably and watching a host of dudes jerk is not going to make me have an orgasm, so I'll pass on taking a ride on the bukkake express.
I'm not really sure how I'd find myself in a situation where there were multiple dudes with whom I'd even consider the prospect. I know plenty of horny dudes, but I can't imagine calling them up and saying something like, "So, I've been interested in getting bukkaked...got plans this Friday night?" Nor can I even imagine getting wasted with a bunch of dudes and somehow thinking that would be a great afterparty. The closest I've ever come to that was one time when a dude I was banging came over with his best friend, and said best friend asked if I'd be willing to let the run a train on me. I declined immediately (although not because I'm a prude who would never consider taking two guys in immediate succession but because the best friend was fat). Since I've not had a similar offer since, I can't imagine this scenario is going to be frequent enough to consider going the extra mile and getting bukkaked instead of gangbanged. I also would never in a million years find a bukkake crew from Craigslist, because I can only imagine the types of winners trolling that shitshow for random people to jizz on. That's not an option due to sheer public health considerations alone.
I am now curious to know if bukkake ever occurs outside of porn or other branches of the sex industry. I'm sure there are people who have bukkake parties out there, but is this something that's even remotely common? Please leave any information you might have on the topic on the comment pages. Inquiring perverts would like to know.
Labels: gross, LL Cool Jew, perversion, porn, sex, sluts
Monday, March 30, 2009
Raise your voice
Yesterday I was reading Dlisted, my main go-to site for celebrity e-bitchery, and laughed out loud when its author Michael K. wrote that Ashton Kutcher is the type to "give his peen a 'voice' while you're trying to blow him." Not only does that sound about right concerning the bedroom habits of the insufferably juvenile Mr. Kutcher, but it reminded me of the infrequently discussed but nonetheless relevant topic of talking on behalf of your genitalia and I felt compelled to weigh in on the matter.
Years ago, when I lived in beautiful Tacoma, Washington, the City of Destiny, I banged this dude who would translate for his penis while we were getting sexy. Specifically, he referred to it as "the boy" or "his boy," and wanted to relay its opinion to me throughout our drunken fucking. We were doing it and he said something like, "My boy feels great." Initially I was confused about what he meant and ignored it. However, he continued in this vein with comments like "Damn, my boy thinks you have a great pussy" and "the boy isn't going to last much longer if you keep going like this," and then attempted to engage me about it. He said something completely idiotic like "my boy wants to know if he's the best you've ever had?" I laughed in his face and responded with something like, "Tell your boy to shut up and fuck me."
This dude was definitely the Ashton Kutcher type. I knew him from around the Tacoma bar scene and from my interactions with him at such storied establishments as Hank's and Magoo's, I knew that he hung drywall or did construction or something and his life's ambition was to take surfing lessons. He had a tattoo of a sun with an ankh or a yin-yang or something along those lines on his upper back, even though he was the farthest thing imaginable from an eastern mystic. He also had an armband tat of some fake-me-out Celtic design and a Chinese character (that I like to think was the symbol for "tool") on his ankle like a damn girl. I had been at his apartment one time and he had taped torn-out pages from the Victoria's Secret catalog all over the walls by the toilet. I have no problem with dudes who keep their spank literature in plain view. In fact, I respect the brazen attitude of a dude who will leave his stack of Hustlers next to the john in plain view. However, taping ripped out pages of Heidi Klum selling 2 for 1 Angel bras for $49.99 as bathroom decor is a whole other level of douchebaggery, and cheap douchebaggery at that. Can't you at least buy a Maxim or something if you insist on decorating your bathroom with softcore jerk-off material? If this guy weren't cute in a Tacoma kind of way (meaning just okay) and I hadn't consumed half the stock of Sapphire gin at Magoo's that night, I probably wouldn't have seriously considered bagging him or his United Nations tattoos. In fact, my friend MillerTime had a crush on him and I wasn't going to go there out of deference for our friendship; however, she wasn't at the bar that night, and he was moving to Florida the next day. I figured that she'd never get her shot, and I might as well not let the dick go to waste.
Unfortunately, I didn't realize I'd be getting color commentary courtesy of "his boy" about the awesomeness of my vagina and its compatibility with said name-bearing penis. He didn't even stop when I laughed at him. In fact, he kept babbling on about "his boy" without saying anything in particular. It was like listening to Dick Vitale call our one-night stand. Then after "his boy" finished the job and retreated to its resting state, he bitched at me for smoking in my own apartment and plugged my toilet! He was a real charmer.
Since then, I've fortunately not come across anyone who said such asinine things on behalf of his penis during sex. I have had other guys say some silly stuff, like demanding that I compare their cock to smoked meat, shouting "DRAINAGE!" while ejaculating on my ass, or promising that I was about to be "split in half by (his) big, black snake." Luckily, however, I've never had another dude either attempt to interpret for his penis or assume the guise of his penis and chat me up. I don't think there is any way to make that hot.
Oh the other hand, I have successfully managed to talk with someone's genitalia myself, so I should never say never. A while back, I was banging this dude who set the tone by turning on some Skinemax original programming prior to us hooking up. I usually go straight to the internet for my porn because I don't like to trifle with any boring softcore bullshit, so I hadn't seen anything in that genre for awhile. It turns out that it's not the "Red Shoe Diaries" that I remember, which was sort of fake-classy (at least it referred to its actresses as "glamour models") and rarely showed much besides tits. Today's Skinemax, however, showed constant, close-up, full-frontal pussy shots and Randy Spears was in it! However, there still was not any real fucking in it, and the acting was TERRIBLE. Not that I expect an Oscar-worthy performance from the cast of "Co-Ed Confidential," but given that half of them are actual porn stars, I would expect them to at least believably simulate sex. There was one chick pretending to give a dude a blow job and her head was bouncing around so vigorously she looked like a damn jack-in-the-box. I started ranting indignantly about this, and after a few minutes, the honey took matters into his own hands and asked why I was wearing so many clothes. That reminded me that I did not go over to his apartment to critique the acting on Cinemax, and got down to business.
However, I couldn't get over the shoddiness of the travesty on television, and continued to jabber on about it while we were hooking up. Granted, my statements on the matter became much more terse, but I wasn't going to rest until I had vented. So I said something like, "This is what a fucking blow job looks like," and started fellating him between brief statements excoriating the unconvincing product that Cinemax was selling. I finally shut up once we started actually fucking, because only then was I distracted enough by my imminent orgasm to get over my critical disappointment in today's original softcore programming. Afterward, we were chatting while waiting for the dude to recharge, and he said, "I was really impressed with the way you were able to carry on a conversation at the same time as giving me head. I wasn't even annoyed."
"Uh, thanks," I said, then I noticed that Wild Orchid was now on Skinemax. "Hey, young Mickey Rourke! Now that's hot."
My dude was undeterred and continued, "Seriously, feel free to argue with my dick any time. It was a great blow job, and you made many excellent points."
"And you only made one," I said, grabbing his dick and realizing he was good to go again. Mollified, I proceeded to spend the rest of the night doing him with no complaints. Now, thinking back, I realized what a fine line there is between talking to and for your genitals. Talking to is clearly hot and sexy when done correctly by a pro ho like myself. Talking for, however, is just not okay. Ever. Fellas, if I want to talk to your cock, I will. Otherwise, tell it to keep its yap shut and just do its damn job. So let it be written, so let it be done.
Labels: perversion, ranting, Razzification, ridiculous absurdity, sex, sluts, weiners
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Fake vagina poll
A few days ago, this dude I went to grade school and high school contacted me on Facebook asking how I was. I replied tersely that I was very busy with my thesis writing and postdoc interviewing but I'd otherwise been doing fine over the last ten years. Apparently he was aware of this as he had perused my blog on occasion. Specifically, he had perused the several posts I've written concerning one Ms. Chasey Lain and her tragic and precipitous descent into hideous plastic surgery and crack (and/or maybe meth) addiction. He added that he used to jerk off to her movies in college and enjoyed that experience so much that he actually purchased a Chasey Lain replica rubber vagina to bang. He was now disappointed that Chasey is but a loathsome, Gollum-esque shadow of the utterly fucktastic porn star she once was.
This entire email gave me pause, as I was a little startled to learn this bit of information about this guy. I remembered this guy as one of those extremely quiet types who would either grow up to be a software tycoon or a serial killer. In our decade of being classmates, we maybe exchanged twenty words TOTAL. I actually don't know anything about this dude except that my brother was friends with his little brother back when they were nine, but now I know how he masturbates. I was a little shocked, not just because this is an odd and slightly creepy piece of information to hear from someone you barely knew during childhood, but because he actually admitted to owning and using one of those fake vaginas.
I have always been puzzled by those fake porn star vaginas. I am by no means a prude, nor am I opposed to using masturbation accessories. I could go on for hours about essential features of a quality vibrator the way some dudes talk about cars or motorcycles. However, I just don't understand those fake porn star vaginas.
I get that dudes want to experience banging their favorite porn stars. I also get that in lieu of actually banging one's favorite porn star, masturbation is a solid substitute for that activity. However, I just don't understand how sticking your dick into this this is the equivalent to banging young, pre-crack/meth, pre-Restalyne fish lips Chasey Lain:
I just cannot believe that two AA batteries can accurate simulate fucking a porn star. In my experience with vibrators, two AA batteries are good for about 30 seconds before they start to crap out, and if I for some inexplicable reason wanted that sort of brevity, there are plenty of loser one-pump chumps in my little black book I can call. If two AA batteries can't cut it for a tiny portable bullet vibe, they sure as hell aren't going to duplicate the experience of porking Chasey Lain.
Also, these just aren't very sexy sex toys. Granted, not all sex toys have to be in and of themselves sexy. I have this two-sided dildo thing which, every time I've attempted to break it out for one of my special girlfriends, just makes me laugh because it's hot pink, gigantic, and flops all over the place like some sort of ridiculous gigantic piece of half-cooked pasta. I actually don't think I've used it on any girl apart from playfully flogging her with it as a joke. My strap-on, however, is definitely not designed to be seen and admired so much as it is for banging some broad cross-eyed. Likewise, a vibrator is often form over function. Women don't fantasize about having rabbits eat them out or doing it with a body massager from The Sharper Image. Some vibrators are more stylishly designed than others, but when it comes right down to it they are tools. Fake porn star pussies are designed to be fantasy objects in and of themselves, so that guys can pretend they are actually nailing Chasey Lain or whoever else. I don't know about dudes, but when I fantasize, I don't do so about someone's disembodied torso and genitalia.
Furthermore, I have always figured that these things get seriously gross after just one use. I bet that any sexiness derived from the knowledge that you're fucking a "Cyberskin" exact replica of Chasey Lain's orifices wears off the second you have to scrub the dried-up dick cheese out of their inner recesses. And "TRY ME, BUY ME?" As if the prospect of cleaning post-masturbatory smegma out of a fake porn star pussy wasn't revolting enough, you can actually wind up with someone's literal sloppy seconds. What fucking genius at the Terminator pussy factory marketing department thought the concept of a public testing hole on a fake porn star cooze would be a good idea? Although it's a disgusting sales concept, in fairness, sticking your dick into a dank, dirty passageway that's hosted countless other anonymous, herpetic weiners isn't all that different from actually engaging in sexual congress with the extremely weathered and amphetamine addled Ms. Lain at present.
I have always wondered who in the hell uses these things, and now I have heard from one solitary person that they actually plunked down the ducats to elaborately masturbate into a stank pelvic rubber semen collector. However, since every porn star in the world seems to sell these, someone must be buying them. In fact, Chasey Lain actually has FOUR different models of fake twat on the market, which appear pretty similar in terms of looks and features but retail for anywhere from around $30 to well over $100. Obviously there's a market.
Thus, out of scientific curiosity concerning the practical and economic aspects of Chasey Lain (and/or Your Favorite Porn Star) fake genital molds, I'm doing a little survey on the comment page. How many of you fellas (or girls, although I really can't imagine any practical reason for a woman to use such a product) have actually fucked a fake porn star vagina? How many of you have actually purchased one? And most importantly, how is this product "easy to clean" as the online sex emporiums tout? I am genuinely mystified both that this actually appeals to anyone, much less enough people to warrant an entire industry, so any clarification would be most appreciated. Holler at me, pervs.
Labels: correspondence, gross, oh the horror, perversion, porn
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
With virology, anything is possible
Thursday night television is really a great conduit for my rage. All night there's something on TV for me to utterly hate. At eight, we have a double dose of "Ugly Betty" and "Smallville," followed by an hour of stupid Seattle surgical sex drama on "Gay's Shitnatomy." Now that I know the producers of this broadcast spunktrap (my new favorite word) are total lesbian-hating homophobes, "Gay's Shitnatomy" may as well be the proposition 8 of primetime television. I also especially want nothing to do with any type of drama involving science. On CBS there is some shitshow called "Eleventh Hour" that looks a lot like that "Fringe" trash on Fox, except it doesn't have Pacey from "Dawson's Creek" in it. There's a freaky, borderline autistic yet obnoxiously arrogant scientist who knows everything about everything in spite of the fact that his hypotheses are ill-informed and he can't bother to run a single fucking control on any of his poorly designed attempts at experimental science. Somehow this ass-clown got a job with the FBI despite having zero social skills (which, one could argue, makes him far better suited for academia) and competence only in the area of insufferable scientastic gibberish, and he's in charge of solving any X-Files-type crap that should arise.
Last Thursday, I was busy working (hence no updates in a week...sorry, dudes, it's been a rough week) and texting (unfortunately, my primary means of communication these days) and turned on the TV for some background noise. Apparently I turned on this "Eleventh Hour" crap, because I was jerked away from my attention to rhinovirus 1A sequence data on my laptop when I heard the following words issue from my television:
"With virology, anything is possible."
Virology? On TV?! That hardly ever happens! Despite the fact that viruses impact all our lives on every level, from the cold that infects us to the HIV epidemic that burdens our global economy, most people don't find viruses sexy or interesting enough for primetime. They certainly don't find virologists to be a component of engaging television programming, so I was slightly shocked to see that CBS not only had that hot swarthy guy from The Mummy and Resident Evil: Apocalypse playing a virologist, he was waxing poetic about the grand potential for a career in virology. I got momentarily excited.
My excitement, unfortunately, was short-lived. Almost immediately Annoying Know-It-All Doctor Guy started having a conversation with the Hot Swarthy Virologist that made my blood boil with rage at the piss-poor fact-checking on the part of the "Eleventh Hour" writers. They were talking about how some terrorist or something made a chimeric virus out of adenovirus (another cause of the common cold, although not NEARLY as hot as rhinovirus) and variola, which is better known as smallpox. Supposedly this was done to make smallpox airborne, like the common cold. Too bad this is unnecessary because a simple Wikipedia search would have informed Hot Swarthy Virologist that variola is already transmitted by the airborne route. Frankly, if he's the "Head of Virology" somewhere, he should know that anyway. It certainly would save him all the time and trouble of making an adeno-poxvirus chimera that is unnecessary and after all the tedious cloning required to construct such a thing, probably wouldn't even be infectious. If you're such a crack virologist that "anything is possible" on your watch, then maybe it would be possible to learn how to pronounce "adenovirus" correctly, you loser!
This annoyed me because there are way more pressing issues in the field of virology that people should know about. I don't like shows coming along that confuse people with a lot of scientastic, impossible, pointless bullshit when there are more pressing virology-related issues to address. In fact, while I was busy fucking around with virus sequence data and getting pissed at the scientific implausibility of "Eleventh Hour" episode plots, I was also trying to improve public health by educating a concerned layman. Specifically, I was discussing diseases that one might get from banging porn stars. I was texting back and forth with my ex-boyfriend Benzo about whether or not the Daily Kos is full of self-congratulating jerkoffs when he got sick of arguing with me and decided to switch to a topic we both enjoyed discussing: pornography. It seems Benzo has recently discovered the many talents of one Miss Flower Tucci, the star of cinematic masterpieces such as Flower's Squirt Shower vols. 1-6, Jam It all the Way Up my Ass, Can a Brotha Get a Squirt?, Viagra Falls, Squirt in my Gape 2, and White Butts Drippin' Chocolate Nuts, to name a few. Here she is, dressed in finery reflecting the elegance and sophistication befitting an anally inclined female ejaculation specialist like Flower:
I've always been somewhat intrigued by Flower because the girl has a fucking firehose in her vagina. I've personally female ejaculated a couple times, but it's always been really random. I couldn't really associate it with any sort of particularly amazing or distinctive sex. It just happened and I have not figured out how to do it on cue, much less with anywhere near the volume and force someone like Flower Tucci achieves on a regular basis. I'm pretty comfortable with my body and generally very aware of how it works, but that's one of the few aspects of my sexuality that remains shrouded in mystery for me. However, clearly Flower has knowledge more advanced than I because the woman has mastered the craft. She's so infamous for her squirting talents that she even engaged another squirting pornstar, Cytherea, in the porn star equivalent of a 2Pac vs. Biggie style beef over who could get the most distance. This is a level of sexual competence above and beyond what most people can even imagine, and it's hardly surprising that even veteran porn viewers like Benzo and myself would be impressed by it. However, the price of porn is often infection, and as I pointed out to Benzo, I don't think from a virological perspective it's a very good idea to take a faceful of Flower's squirt.
Benzo: Oh by the way, what do you think of pornstar flower tucci?Benzo: She's a squirter!Razzy: Oh i know who she is! famous ass, loves anal, and can squirt 100 feet. But i find her striking because she looks a lot like (this girl who went to college with me)!Benzo: Ooooh that kinda ruins it for me. Although (this girl) was physically hot I felt she always came off in a non-sexual manner.Razzy: Yeah me too! I imagined she was always busier smoking joints than smoking poles.Benzo: Now flower looks like the kind of girl that might fuck you to death!! A wet death! :-)Razzy: Truly. Flower is no joke.Benzo: I'm not sure why flower is sooo hot but she's a slut and she's hot!! Anal and squirting don't bother me at all.Razzy: Nor I. I'd just think she was hotter if i didn't think of (this girl) chuckling that 'heh heh heh' stoner laugh at (this girl's ex) every time i see herBenzo: Now that's funny, (this girl's ex) used to stop in at my old job and see meRazzy: Not really something you want to masturbate to, thoughBenzo: That dependsRazzy: And how can you argue with fact? (This girl) is no flower tucci.Benzo: No argument. I'd let flower fuck me before I fucked (this girl)!Razzy: You know, though, flower probably has the herp. Almost all pornstars do. Now known thanks to an outbreak belladonna myspace blogged aboutBenzo: Yeah, that's why you j/o to porn and fuck real girls w/ rubbers. In nyc you can find a "pornstar" experience any night. Nut you've got to wrap it.Razzy: As lil wayne says, 'better wear a latex, so you don't get that late text, that i-think-i'm-late text.' Equally bad is the 'call me ron mexico' text.Benzo: Yeah...blah, blah! Lil wayne blows.Benzo: Having said that, I would still love to hook up with Flower TucciRazzy: You can still get herpes with a condom, ESPECIALLY during anal and doing stuff like getting squirted directly on a mucosal surfaceBenzo: Damn science...such a dick limper!Benzo: But only during an outbreak right??Razzy: Usually, but you often cant tell just by looking. And ppl can still shed virus between outbreaks. Getting anything on your mucosa is asking for troubleBenzo: Fair enough, I'll tell flower that we're off for dinner this weekend. I won't even eat her ass.Razzy: Yeah, she'll be disappointed. But i bet your girlfriend will be glad she's on ass-eating detail instead of flowerBenzo: She will be
A little more investigation confirmed that indeed Flower has starred alongside the 2007 "Dirtiest Girl in Porn" Belladonna herself in 5 different movies. About a year ago, Belladonna confirmed that not only is this title accurate because she can do things like deep throat all eleven inches of Lexington Steele's penis and get assfucked by baseball bats, but because she had a vicious outbreak of the herp all over her infamous ass. She said she was planning to retire, then changed her mind because in her words, "Dude, there's no way I can not be in that scene sucking that dick." Since her retracted herpes-based retirement, Belladonna has starred in Belladonna: Manhandled 3, Belladonna's Cock Pigs, Belladonna's Cock Happy 2, Belladonna's Fucking Girls 6, Defend Our Porn, Discovering Alexis Texas, Pirates II, and Strap-On Chicks 20. In the course of filming these eight cinematic classics, probably at least 20 actors/actresses were exposed to Bella's herpes. When you consider that she claims to have been infected in 2002 and she has starred in over 200 films since then, it's a wonder that there are any porn stars who aren't spreading the simplex. Considering Flower's professional associations with Belladonna, it's hard to imagine her signature squirting as anything but a gushing torrent of infectious herp. Probably some papillomaviruses too, since Flower starred in an orgy scene in Fashionistas Safado: The Challenge with Sasha Grey, who is rumored to take long career breaks due to recurrent anal warts.
According to hot, swarthy fake virologists the sky's the limit for crafting scary bioweapons with nature's coolest intracellular obligate parasites, but I'd be far more wary of Flower Tucci's ejaculate than some sort of made-up super smallpox (that isn't all that different from regular smallpox). While anything might be possible with virology, it's a lot more probable that it's just going to make your porn a little less fun to watch knowing that everyone starring in a given scene is popping an industrial-sized dose of Valtrex and rubbing Herpecin on their genitalia before the camera starts rolling.
Labels: Benzo, epidemic geekery, perversion, porn, science, TV, viruses rule
Friday, October 10, 2008
If I don't do nothin', I'm-a ball
My reputation for expert braininess continues to precede me. When Razzyphiles find they are having a little trouble, they can of course go read my instructional essay on the topic. Unfortunately, sometimes specific situations arise that necessitate going straight to the source for assistance with all their cocksucking needs, and I'm happy to oblige. That's exactly what happened when I received this e-mail today:
Razzy, my roommate and I have been arguing this same point over and over for about a week now. Since I hold your opinion of fellatio techniques in the highest regard, I have come to you. My roommate is convinced that putting a ball entirely in ones mouth during oral sex is "unnecessary and gross". I say, when it comes to oral sex, you get what you give. My argument for putting a ball (or two) into my mouth occasionally during fellatio is that I love to hear my name being screamed. Not that having a ball in my mouth makes him scream, but the overall effect of a quality blowjob (which necessitates switching it up a bit).
Thoughts?
Well, I could not agree with the author more. I count myself staunchly in the pro-ball-or-two-in-mouth camp for the exact reason the author describes: it's important in the bedroom in general to make like David Silver and switch it up, and assuredly when demonstrating one's sword-swallowing abilities. A lot of girls think that sucking dick is just that: sticking a dick in your mouth and applying some suction. Actually, a lot of girls think it's just sticking the head in your mouth and jerking the guy off because doing some actual throat work is a hassle, and I think that's both a lazy cop-out and indicative of a greater character flaw. In cocksucking and in life, I have no respect for slags who strive for mediocrity at best. Besides, as I've said before many times, it's called a fucking job for a reason! It's not supposed to be easy, but hard work has its rewards. FDR once said that "happiness lies in the joy of achievement and the thrill of creative effort," and I wholeheartedly concur. As the author notes above, you get what you give. Greater investment will yield greater returns, and in this day of collapsing stock markets, getting paid back in gratification for a well-rounded BJ may be one of the few remaining low-risk investments left to us.
While putting balls in your mouth is optional, it shouldn't be discounted as "unnecessary." It may not be necessary for a basic blowjob, but as I already mentioned, any remotely admirable woman isn't going to aspire to boring the dude whose dick she's sucking with her banal, uninspired, lazy technique. Blowjobs are like cars in this way; sure, a boring, sensible Kia Rio with vinyl seats, manual windows, and a tape deck will get you where you need to go, but wouldn't you enjoy riding in some top of the line S-class Benz with fancy leather interior, a custom sound system, and every tricked-out car accoutrement in the book more? Sucking on balls is the built-in GPS navigation system of a blowjob: it's not required, but it sure does make the whole package seem a lot more luxurious and indulgent.
Also, testicle-mouth interfacing isn't gross. I can only imagine that the chick who attests that it is is relatively inexperienced, because in the pantheon of nasty sexual stuff, scrotum sucking is pretty tame. Obviously any chick who thinks it's sick has never rimmed a dude or stuck a finger up a guy's ass. I'll admit that most fellas' family jewels have a certain pungent muskiness to them, but that's actually appealing to someone like me who is a connoisseur of stinky aged semi-soft European cheeses. Apart from the occasional annoying inadvertant pube-flossing that can occur when a stray hair gets dislodged in your mouth, there's really nothing too gross about having a set of nuts on your tonsils. In fact, that reminds me of Dr. Dre/Snoop lyrics, which in turn makes me feel comforted and nostalgically joyful.
So, ladies, take my advice as a certified Head Doctor who has performed many a surgery: my official position is that when you are giving some brain, make sure you have a ball.
Labels: correspondence, perversion, Razzyphiles, sex, WWRD
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Porn is for pussies, and I mean that in a good way
I got a fun piece of fan mail from a Razzyphile who requested the moniker DrunkenStumble a while back:
Razzy!
Though a contemplation of an email has been in the works for nearly a year, I finally had to send one in upon reading Aunt Jesus. Your Aunt Jesus smells an awful lot like my Uncle ... let's call him John (after the Baptist who, let's face it, looked more like a caveman than the baptizer of Jesus) who is a hypocrite of the highest order. He went from awesome drunken party boy to saintly congregation president with the turn of a screw. He also goes into what I've guessed to be Jesus induced hazes whenever homosexuality, liberals, or alcohol is mentioned. This I find EXTREMELY odd seeing that him and my dad's brother is walking that razor's edge between HIV and AIDS and is so far in the closet he's next door fellating the neighbor.
Now I'm one of many Razzyphiles on facebook and finally hunted you down to friend you on facebook, I can't help but thank you for bringing out my inner slut. Before I had met my ex I was so buttoned up that if anyone mentioned porn star I was crimson from the neck down and knowing porn stars openly was a bit of my dirty little secret. My ex introduced me to the site and upon the discovery that someone else thought Belladonna was pretty bad ass made me realize that living the boring life I'd had wasn't going to cut it. So, a smattering of mediocre bed rompings later, I find that you're the best thing I got out of dating my ex.
Now I finally have someone who also thinks John McCain is made of awesome and isn't touting a "God Hates Fags" sign makes the world a far easier place to live in.DrunkenStumble
I always love a good fawning e-mail, but I particularly love one that credits me for bringing a woman living an admittedly "boring life" to Jesus Belladonna. I think every woman could learn a thing or two from Belladonna, and not just how to (BOTH SUPER NSFW) make Cytheria erupt like Old Faithful or get double fisted by Jenna Haze. In fact, every woman could learn a lot from watching porn in general, and not just about sex. Porn teaches you what feminism is really all about.
Even when I was an angry feminazi type with a Ms. subscription and a chip on my shoulder about the patriarchy, I just couldn't get behind the deeply man-hating feminist theories of women like Catherine MacKinnon and Andrea Dworkin. These dumb bitches overcompensated for decades of being the ugliest fat hags at the bra burning rally by declaring all penetrative sex to be rape and claiming that pornography is a violation of women's civil rights. In a post she wrote discussing the world's most embarrassing Jews, my friend LL Cool Jew, a liberal, 1970s radical-bred, NPR-listening, lesbian on sabbatical from San Francisco, had some choice words to say about Andrea Dworkin the Hutt and her vehement anti-pornography stance:
This is a bitch against whom I passionately railed as a righteously sexually liberated Smith College junior for her repressive, primitive, man-hating, female-sexuality-mistrusting, straight-up-First-Amendment-violating crusade against porn. Saying porn does damage to women necessarily means that women don't enjoy porn, and every woman I know can attest against that. Anyway, don't get me started. Suffice it to say, thank God the good old U.S. Constitution was around to fend off that fat, embarrassing Jewess.
Even back in the day when I was wearing ill-fitting men's clothes, rocking the world's worst baby dyke haircut, jamming to my Bikini Kill CDs, and writing "RIOT GRRL" on my knuckles, I felt the same way as LL Cool Jew. No matter how pissed off I was about the nefarious patriarchy supposedly keeping us down and no matter how many bad poems I wrote, bands from Olympia, Portland, or San Francisco I admired, or unflattering pairs of Salvation Army cords I donned to express my subversion of the male establishment, I never directed my ire at pornography. Even before I had seen any porn, I could appreciate its intrinsic value to society, and specifically to women.
I realize that most porn is geared toward men and their fantasies, and that might lead an anger-prone feminist to believe that it is inherently sexist. I've seen a lot of things in porn that compel me to roll my eyes because they were so obviously thought up by a dude, such as peroxide blondes with five-inch acrylic claws fingerbanging each other and acting like they are shrieking with pleasure rather than vagina-ripping agony, or the feigned joys of a strap-on blowjob. The small amount of "female friendly" porn available is usually incredibly boring, relying more on romantic storylines and foreplay than hardcore fucking. In fact, if you believe "Sex and the City," women get off on shoes and relationship drama rather than any kind of actual sexual activity. However, to suggest that because porn is geared toward men indicates that it is exclusively their province would be wholly erroneous.
The other night, I was hanging out with a bunch of my bitches and I was regaling them with tales about how I learned to love performing fellatio. This turned into an instructional session involving me demonstrating some techniques on a beer bottle and referring some skeptics to recent posts from this very blog. One particularly resistant pupil continued to raise an eyebrow at me, so I said, "Oh, hell, just go watch some blowjob videos on RedTube and emulate it." The reaction at the table was explosive.
"I FUCKING LOVE RedTube!" exclaimed the hesitant cocksucker. "That shit rules!"
"What's RedTube? Is that like YouPorn? I'm on YouPorn all the time!" added one of her friends, who, I should add, was a pain-in-the-ass overly political lesbian.
"RedTube is my jam, for sure," said another one of the girls.
I should add that, of all these women, I am probably the most sexually in-your-face girl there. These ladies aren't prudes, but many of them are definitely the kinds of girls who don't fuck strangers or put out on the first date or have threesomes or otherwise engage in my kind of slutty antics. In spite of the fact, however, that they are all "good girls" with successful careers and lots of self-esteem, they are all apparently really into hardcore streaming tube sites. These women obviously don't consider porn to be objectifying or degrading. They consider it a source of enjoyment and a boon to their sexuality. Tons of women consume porn in spite of whatever male chauvinist trappings the self-loathing, man-fearing, sexuality-rejecting feminazi theorists of the old guard might base their wack-ass theories upon. The fact that many modern women have become so comfortable with their own sexuality that they consume male-directed porn with as much gusto as your average dick-jerking, woman-oppressing dude is a triumph for feminism.
I am happy to have done my part for the sex-positive women's movement by helping DrunkenStumble, a woman I've never met before, embrace her love of rubbing them off to Belladonna. Knowing that setting the example of an open, sexually liberated pervert helps other women achieve the same laudable goal is definitely one of the satisfying perks of being in the useless bullshit business, and it motivates me to continue singing the praises of smut. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch some porn.
Labels: correspondence, feminazism, I LOVE IT, perversion, porn, Razzyphiles, sex
Monday, August 25, 2008
It's a world of laughter, a world of horny local TV news reporters
Yesterday was my girl MillerTime's big 3-0, and I hope that she enjoyed it more than she thought she might. Ladies seem to have a lot of trouble with hitting thirty, especially if they haven't yet obtained their MRS degree, and all week I'd been fielding IMs from her saying things like "I can't believe I'm almost THIRTY." I have no doubt that a few Bacardi and diets at either the Roadhouse Tavern in Puyallup or Doyle's in Tacompton took the edge off, and she enjoyed her thirtieth natal day as much as she did other memorable anniversaries of her entry into the world.
Yesterday as I was at work between incubation times, I was checking out some "news" (read: random bullshit on the blogosphere). I stumbled across an article that made me wonder if the fates managing strange coincidence weren't celebrating MillerTime's birthday too.
TV journalist fired after ad reportedAs it turns out, I have met online "cool guy to play with" solicitor Jeff Gradney. Back in the summer of 2000, right after I'd moved back to the P-N-Dub from college, MillerTime and I went to the Taste of Tacoma, an annual outdoor summer bacchanal of gluttony. While there, we were approached by this dude, who explained that he was doing a story on the Taste for KING 5 news and wanted to interview us. After a brief interview in which we both confirmed that we liked walking around outside and eating like a couple of fat girls, this dude started hitting on us. At the time I was engaged in a torrid affair with my high school best friend G-Boner's cousin, and I was solely interested in banging him. However, MillerTime is a perpetual flirt and was going through one of her rare single phases, and exchanged math with him.
K TNV-TV, Channel 13, reporter, Jeff Gradney has been fired after he and his girlfriend were accused of soliciting male partners on the Internet.
Gradney, who joined the ABC affiliate three years ago, was dismissed Monday, after a disgruntled employee sent management and staffers a Craigslist ad, a source said, that appeared to show the reporter having sex with his girlfriend. The ad read: "hot, intensely passionate couple looking for a cool guy to play with."
Jim Prather, vice president and general manager of the Journal Broadcast Group station, confirmed Gradney was let go but declined further comment, saying it was a personnel matter.
"Wouldn't it be crazy if I hooked up with Jeff Gradney, KING 5 TV reporter?" MillerTime asked, scrutinizing his business card, after he had left to seek more interviewees.
Ultimately MillerTime never did hook up with Jeff Gradney, as he utterly cockblocked himself. He started blowing up her voice mail with a variety of increasingly sexual messages before she had a chance to respond to the first one. Any guy leaving multiple voice mails without getting an encouraging call back is at the very least unattractive; it signals desperation and overeagerness. However, when the messages turn explicitly sexual without any sort of physical encounter or other such precedent to warrant such content, it's creepy and off-putting. MillerTime didn't call Jeff Gradney back, and we forgot about him for the most part. I was unaware, for example, that he apparently left KING 5 for Vegas's ABC affiliate beneath a cloak of ignonimy for sexually harassing a host of his female colleagues, as the internets just informed me. In light of that, I have less sympathy than I normally would for someone getting canned for having a Craigslist-facilitated kinky sex life outside of work (which would be total sympathy; mind your own business, local news station!).
I think, however, it's fitting that this news broke on MillerTime's birthday. If anything, she can worry less about being thirty and instead thank her lucky stars that she's not getting DPed by Jeff Gradney and some random dude from Craigslist (who I can say from personal experience are a bunch of total winners). So happy birthday, MillerTime! Rest assured you are having a better time of it than your former would-be paramour.
Labels: aging, MillerTime, P-N-Dub, perversion, sex
Friday, August 22, 2008
The head doctor is in
"Really?" I asked. "I kind of love it."
"It's hard! I always feel like I'm going to puke," she complained, then made a face that plainly said, "EWWWWWWWWWW. You're crazy, Razzy." I wasn't surprised, because this same friend told me that in her 18-and-over clubbing years, she was kicked out of a banana fellating contest at some Jersey Shore club when she drunkenly ate her banana because she was hungry.
"Well, you can get over that with some practice," I said. "You at least get used to it. I mean, don't you blow your boyfriend once in a while to show him how much you appreciate him?"
"No way! I have regular sex with him to show him that. I NEVER S his D! He doesn't care."
"Oh, who are you KIDDING, dude? Guys LOVE having their Ds S'd. Next time you really want to show him you care, just literally suck it up. He'll be grateful...TRUST!"
A few days later, we were all drinking at this bar, and despite our best intentions to only have a few beers, after a few hours we were all suddenly brutally drunk. My friend decided this would be a stellar time to take my advice, and dragged her boyfriend into the men's room. She pulled him into a stall, pulled his dick out of his pants, and started getting her suction on. He is kind of a straight-laced guy, so this was simultaneously exciting and nerve-wracking for him. However, just when her drunken enthusiasm managed to overcome her reservations about fellatio and his reservations about receiving same in a semi-public place like the Latitude men's room, some dumb i-banker type staggered in and decided to drop a deuce in the stall next to them. Even a dirty girl like me would probably be turned off by a douchebag in expensive loafers interrupting a solid session of bar bathroom brain with an ill-timed literal shitshow. I'm not sure my friend ever gave cocksucking another fair shot, and she's since broken up with the gentleman in question.
I think that it's most unfortunate so many ladies lack enthusiasm for delivering a solid blowjob. I used to, but I've grown to truly enjoy it. For one thing, gulping it right down is the quickest way to have guys give your bedroom skills an extremely positive review, and I like having my efforts recognized. I work hard to be a hot lay, and I'm pleased when this is acknowledged. For another, there's something incredibly sexy about having what is arguably every man's favorite body part in your mouth. Men regard their penises with such reverence that it's almost like taking some kind of perverse erotic communion. Maybe that's why Catholic schoolgirls have such a reputation for being champion sword swallowers.
Sure, sucking dick isn't always easy. No matter what the movie Deep Throat might lead one to believe, I don't know any woman who has actually had an orgasm from performing that titular action. It's certainly called a "job" for a good reason. I used to avoid it because I thought it was too difficult, and I worried that I wasn't particularly adept at it due to my lack of enthusiasm. However, as I've gotten older and more experienced (Razzy Haters read: HAGGARD OLD SLUT!), fellatio has really grown on me. I've learned a few things that make it way more fun than stressful or unpleasant. In fact, I've decided to take it upon myself to respond to concerns and enlighten the ladies with my very own guide to enjoying rolling a fella's cigar.
The Joy of Cocksucking: FAQs by Razzy
Sucking dick doesn't do anything for me physically. Why should I do it?
The true pleasure of giving head for women is entirely psychological, so to enjoy it, you first need to get your mind right. If you regard cocksucking as a distasteful chore, then it's probably not going to be very fun for you and will only be a mediocre BJ by his standards since you obviously aren't into it. If you think of it like a gift you are giving to your man to please him, then you are thinking like a good lover and a decent human being, and you might even like it. One of my favorite things about having a dick in my mouth is looking up at the dude it's attached to during the process. Usually guys have an expression on their face like they just saw a vision at Medjugorje and won the lottery at the same time, and you can attribute that solely to your weiner consumption. You might not have an orgasm from it, but it's gratifying nonetheless.
Even if you can't get into that frame of mind, you can at least use head for practical self-serving purposes. If you want to get some brain yourself and don't care to ask outright, you can indicate what you'd like the guy to do by setting the precedent yourself. Also, if some drinks were involved in the prelude to your sexual encounter, the dude may have a problem with the liquor going straight to his cock. If he's having some trouble maintaining wood, then think of BJs as nature's own Viagra. Most of the time, a little dome goes a long way to overcome a bad case of whiskey dick.
Is there a way to get around choking or gagging when I'm sucking dick?
This is probably the primary complaint women have about giving head. Many women are concerned that they have to get facefucked like (big time NSFW) Sasha Grey or (also *EXTREMELY* NSFW) Belladonna in order to give a decent BJ. This is not true. I can certainly deep throat, but I don't think I can tolerate a dude jackhammering my throat to the hilt for an extended period of time without puking. In fact, most dudes aren't trying to be Max Hardcore and skewer your vocal cords while simultaneously producing gallons of gagged-up vomit. Unlike Sasha and Belladonna, I am not a porn star, and don't always fast extensively prior to doing some hardcore cocksucking, so an unmitigated gag would be very bad after an evening of slugging back brewdogs and bar food.
There are several solutions to this, all of which can be practiced to ease discomfort. First, you can deliver a combo job, or suck on the head while you jerk off his shaft. I generally think this is a supplemental maneuver to be used while catching breath between big swallows, because it's sort of a half-assed move that says "I can't be bothered with more than the most simple, basic head." However, this can be a solid way for beginners to get used to the practice in general and I encourage newbies to give it a shot. Another way to get more comfortable with deep throating is to practice in your off hours. It's clichéd, but a banana is a great tool for becoming physically accustomed with the sensations you might experience while swallowing a whole penis. If you slowly put it as far back as you can stand, then close your eyes and take a few deep breaths through your nose, you might find that your gag reflex relaxes along with your mind. The first response a body has to a dick in the tonsillar area is panic, and that brings gagging. Ameliorating your panic with some controlled breathing and chillaxation does wonders for quelling your urge to spew. Finally, an advanced move that can be used in emergencies is gross but sometimes necessary. Should you find yourself beginning to blow chunks during a vigorous session of brain surgery, you should immediately pull back a little and swallow hard. If you catch it while it's still down in your throat, you can prevent disgorging your dinner all over his cock, as well as his observing the decidedly unsexy move of swallowing your own vomit. This may be gross, but it's an occupational hazard, and it's important to master this skill should it ever come up (no pun intended). If you let it get past your throat into your mouth, you had better hope you've got a washing machine, a shower, and a well-developed sense of shamelessness handy.
What the hell am I supposed to do with his balls?
Guys are usually pretty sensitive about their balls, so you don't want to just grab them and start manhandling them roughly. Usually guys like them licked or sucked on, but don't suck too hard. You wouldn't treat delicate family heirlooms roughly, and the same policy that applies to your grandmother's china applies to your man's family jewels. If you want to really impress, you can always give the dude a hummer, where you take his balls in your mouth and hum (this can also be done on his weiner). Guys like this, but I usually can't execute it because I start laughing. Hummers are pretty absurd. One time I was sucking on this dude's balls and he requested a hummer, so I went with the first song that popped in my head: the Battle Hymn of the Republic. I barely got past the "trampled out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored" part before I was snickering about it. That ended that hummer. The dude sighed and indicated that I should redirect my attention to his penis.
But what if I hate the taste of jizz?
Simple: don't finish the blowjob. I love the taste of semen, to the point that I will ask a dude to pull his dick out of my twat and blow his load in my mouth. However, it's not for everyone. I almost always imagine a dude is making like Tay Dizm and inquiring "Can I be your appetizer?" before the main entree of regular sex. In fact, I hardly EVER give a guy a blowjob to completion. If I do, then I have to wait for him to recharge to fuck him and that's annoying, especially with one night stands I don't care to chat with much. I generally only give a full blowjob to guys I really, really, really like, and those fellas come along very rarely. Usually I work him up, but when I think he might be getting close to the grand finale, I stop and actually fuck him properly. Generally he'll be rock solid at that point and you can buy your vagina some dick time by taking a moment to catch your breath and throw a wrapper on him.
Should I spit or swallow?
Your call. I always swallow, but that's because I like cum and it makes for less mess. The urban legend that semen contains 5,000 calories per load is exactly that, so you don't have to worry about screwing up your diet (and it's mostly protein, so those of you doing the low-carb thing have nothing to worry about either). Besides, have you ever tried to scrub jizz out of your hair? That shit is like epoxy when it dries, especially when it's become extra proteinaceous from mixing with saliva. On the rare occasions I've spit somewhere in the vicinity of where I'm getting it on, I always have wound up with straight-up cement in my usual fuck-knot. It takes like half a bottle of Pantene to get untangled. Avoid that. Trust.
A guy asked me to bite his dick once. Do they all like this?
In a word, HELLFUCKINGNO! I've come across the odd gent who liked a little teeth here and there, but that's an exclusively by-request move. This one guy I used to bang would always say, "Nibble on it, Raz, nibble on it!" I would always double-check that he REALLY wanted me to do that before tentatively chomping down gently, because guys are usually so sensitive when it comes to dental-penile contact. However, while every fetish has at least one fan, that doesn't mean such a maneuver is universally enjoyed. In this case, it is most CERTAINLY not, so don't do this unless specifically asked.
I heard I can get herpes this way. Is that true?
Unfortunately, yes. You can get oral herpes from sucking a herpetic peen, so steer clear of any schlongs with suspicious ulcerations, lesions, or sores on them. Also, you can give a dude herpes if you have a cold sore and you suck him off, so if you have an ounce of decency, you won't put your partner at risk. Cocksucking to be a hot lay and a generous lover loses its mystique when you give a dude a bad case of the herp along with some killer head.
Do I have to do anything with his ass?
Not if you don't want to, but some guys do like it. I generally avoid anal play with boys because they just don't maintain as well as girls. Boys' butts are gross, and they usually pride themselves on that. How many times have you been around a guy who farted and acted like he just cured cancer or invented time travel? Even if they don't want a chick poking around down there, guys relish the nastiness their posteriors can produce. However, I've had a few dudes ask for some ass action, and I usually get down there to check the situation up close first. After making sure he meets my hygiene standards, I might give a dude who I like the occasional salad-tossing, but it's not a standard part of my playbook. I liken it to a fleaflicker or a hook-and-ladder play. It's not a regular part of my offensive strategy, but every so often it's warranted in a clutch situation, and when it works it can be spectacular. So my advice here is to use some discretion depending on your and your partner's tastes and preferences.
So there you go, ladies. I hope this is useful for overcoming any reservations about cocksucking you might have harbored. Now get out there and suck those dicks!
Labels: perversion, Razzification, sex, sluts, weiners
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Talk ridiculously to me
The other day, I was Gchatting with Twathopper and she was telling me some of the more offensive things her ex-paramour Superlez pulled during their brief stint dating. Apparently, although Superlez didn't seem very interested in having real-life sex, she loved phone sex. Granted, this was the lamest phone sex ever, since she spent 99% of it telling Twathopper how cute she was and what she liked about her. In the brief times they actually managed some light physical coupling, Superlez apparently also liked to dirty talk. One time she started bossing Twathopper around about her "cunt," and while the C-bomb doesn't really bother me, it's not one of Twathopper's favorite words and she had to argue with Superlez about whether or not it turned her on. Another time, Superlez pulled one of the grossest, most off-putting instances of dirty talk I've ever heard. Whilst hovering over Twathopper, she said, "Feed me!"
"Uh...what?" Twathopper didn't know what she was talking about.
"Feed me!" repeated Superlez, who then began suckling on Twathopper's tits like some sort of demented baby from hell. This was such a huge turn-off that Twathopper–in spite of being hard-up for lezzie sex–stopped their hooking up in its tracks, because in her words "I'm not into baby fantasies and shit" as having "a grown woman suck on my tits like a fucking infant" was off-putting to say the least. As she put it, "equating the adult act of sex with children" is "not hot at all," and I couldn't agree more. For one thing, I hate kids, and for another...if there's one thing that doesn't go together it's HOT SEX and IMITATING CHILDREN. Another one of my friends was dating this guy a while back, and he used to baby talk all the time. It was mildly disturbing enough that he would routinely say things like "I wuv wu, sweetie-weetie" and stuff like that in front of her friends at bars and restaurants. In the bedroom he was even worse. He would say stuff to her like "Baby, will wu sucky wucky my cocky wocky?" When she told me about this, I thought that if any dude ever said something like that to me, my first response would be, "EW! Oh my GOD, NO! Never again!"
When it comes to dirty talk, there's a fine line between hot and creepy that clearly some people cross with flying leaps. I have certainly engaged in my fair share of dirty talk, but luckily I've never had anyone try to baby talk me in bed. I have, however, on many occasions had some sexy talk turn really fucking funny quickly. Obviously, I'm the kind of person who gets turned on by humor and laughing, so this isn't a problem except in the realm of phone sex. I am terrible at phone sex because I get about two lines deep and start cracking up. In the past I've tried a few times and haven't gotten farther than "...and then I pull your giant, hard cock out of your pants..." before I dissolve into giggles like the totally mature, sophisticated lady that I am. I'm a lot better at dirty talk when I'm actually getting it on, but even then I sometimes can't control myself if something surprisingly hilarious comes out.
For example, the guy who told me that I performed fellatio with a great deal of "flair" made me snicker on his dick, which could have turned into a very bad situation with my gag reflex had I been deep throating rather than doing some between-swallowing head work at that particular moment. I could not control the full belly-laugh that happened when this dude (who I apparently lured back to my web of sin and depavity with my incredibly seductive rendition of the Scorpions' "Wind of Change") blowing his load all over my ass shouted "DRAAAAIIINAGE!" Luckily he had a good sense of humor and wasn't put off by my clutching my side laughing at his money shot move. I've had some other instances of pretty hilarious dirty talk, as well. One of my former booty calls would always start fucking me and demand, "TELL ME ABOUT MY COCK!" I'd then proceed to come up with all sorts of outlandish stuff, like comparing his dick to a Johnsonville brat, telling him to buck like a raging stallion, and complimenting his ability to drill me like a Texas oil rig. Another dude I was dating would always ask me to "play with his chest," which was code for giving him vicious titty twisters. Seemingly pinching his nipples encouraged him to say incredibly ridiculous stuff along the lines of "I'm going to split you in half with my big black snake, girl" and "I'm fucking you so deep my dick's going to come out the top of your head." And yet another dude who was apparently really into artistic ejaculation techniques asked if I wanted some jewelry before giving me a pearl necklace. And yet another Mr. Right Now who I dated for a few months back in Seattle told me that my pussy tasted like the duck sauce Chinese restaurants give you to dip egg rolls in (I disagree...I think my pussy–like most pussy–tastes like a milder version of salt and vinegar potato chips).
I'm somewhat amazed, however, that I seem to have way more stories about this than most of my friends. This is in large part due to the fact that I'm the most open about my sluttery, and I seem to attract ridiculous sexual partners more than my friends. This makes sense, because I'll be the first to admit that I'm pretty ridiculous myself. I asked JerseyGirl, who has done enough silly drunk things to last a lifetime, and the best she could think of was that her boyfriend sometimes says how hot she is "in an 'i'mgonnablowmyloadanyminute' kind of way." I also asked this lovely girl I'll call Tits because she has the hottest natural rack I've ever seen in my life. Tits always has to leave everything early so she can fuck her boyfriend, and while she admitted to trying to convince her boyfriend to let her peg him (he declined), she couldn't think of anything funny that happened with her man. Since she then had to go fuck her boyfriend, I told her to get some dirty talk going on and report back. I have yet to be debriefed. At least FalloniusMonk proved to me that she shares my ability to attract the crazy dirty talk. One time, she was hooking up with some dude who "in the same breath" explained that he was a descendant of Mark Antony and wondered if they could still work together IF THEY WERE MARRIED! Because of their semi-work relationship and his obvious craziness, she elected to never hire him for freelance work again. Another time, "a crazy dyke" asked her if she liked fighter jets in the middle of sex. Sadly, FalloniusMonk did not indicate her love for F-16s by popping in "Highway to the Danger Zone" for the rest of their tryst. Then again, nobody ever accused Kenny Loggins of writing effective lesbian sex jams. Still another time, she fucked some girl in a church parking lot, and the girl asked if she thought Jesus was watching. Well, in Catholic school they taught me that Jesus is basically everywhere, so probably...but I can't imagine he'd be doing anything besides wanking it hard to some hot backseat girl-on-girl in the church parking lot. FalloniusMonk I'm sure came up with some similar don't-worry-about-Jesus-worry-about-lesbian-sex sentiment since she's a pro ho at closing the deal with the ladies, or as she puts it, "Can this just happen? Instead of the Katy Perry horseshit? This isn't about chapstick, it's about pussy!"
Anyway, while it's fun to hit the sheets and do a little dirty talk, in my experience it's actually seldom as dirty as it is either hilarious or creepy. I'm sure some of y'all have stories of your own, and I invite you to share. I suspect that there's a lot more silliness (or possibly creepiness) with the sexiness than sexiness alone. Share, bitches!
Labels: FalloniusMonk, gross, hilarious shit, I LOVE IT, lezbollah, perversion, ridiculous absurdity, sex, Twathopper
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Jeffrey Barrier
DOB: March 11, 1967
Occupation: peeping tom; the goatse of cell phones (and trust that you might want to think twice before clicking that link, especially if you're at work or have recently eaten)
Hometown: ???
Current residence: Cincinnati, Ohio
Douchebaggery: It was bad enough that Jeffrey Barrier is a loser creep who decided to save on his monthly amateur webcam bill by making his own material, snapping photos of an unsuspecting woman in a tanning salon with his camera phone. The woman finally caught on and complained, and cops eventually tracked Jeffrey down and questioned him about it.
He denied repeatedly that he even had a cell phone. Since even the most cracked-out vagrant has a cell phone, the police didn't believe him, and performed a cavity search. Sure enough, Jeffrey Barrier had a cell phone, all right...shoved up his ass. Per the police report published at The Smoking Gun, he "did hide evidence in his anus."
What I'd like to know is why Jeffrey Barrier was going through the trouble of illegally invading some naked chick's privacy when he could have easily gone to the internets and gotten way better shit for free! Every day I hear about some new porn tube site, so it's not like there isn't a plethora of low-res amateur stripping videos available just a mouse click away. I suppose he could get off on the thrill of secretly snapping away at 35-year-old women climbing into a tanning bed, but as far as covert voyeurism goes, that's pretty lame too. At least he could have gotten one of those "toilet cams" or something to install in the tanning bed. I mean, I'm pretty incompetent when it comes to tech stuff, but even I could probably manage hooking one of those things up. I feel like every degenerate working at Radio Shack probably is into skeezy stuff like spying on women in dressing rooms and the like, so they could certainly give some pointers that would be more stealth that scaling a cubicle wall and shoving the evidence into your colon. Granted, I'd be pissed if Jeffrey Barrier was taking pictures of my naked self (but why bother, there's plenty of that on the internets) without permission by any means, but I'd be especially annoyed if he got away doing some easily detectable shit like standing on a chair with a cell phone and then shoving said phone up his ass to evade capture. If you're going to be a creepy peeping tom, at least have some skills about it.
Labels: assholes, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, perversion
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Huge load (of shit)
As I mentioned yesterday, I'm bad about checking my razzy@razzy.org e-mail sometimes because the e-mail program sucks and does a terrible job at filtering out spam. Therefore I have to try to sort through all the mail and delete 90% of it before I can read the adoring words from Razzyphiles and the wishes of death, disease, and lifelong misery from Razzy Haters. I'm always astounded at the sheer volume of spam I receive promising enhancement to the form and function of my non-existent penis. Are there really enough guys out there dumb enough to buy something from an e-mail that reads "Make it hard as a br1ck!" or "Pund her hard all nit3 with ur new powerful 1ove mussle fleshrod!" sent from a Czechoslovakian e-mail address that looks like an eye chart and directs you to some sketchy website? There must be, because the flow of this type of spam seems endless. However, I noticed a new variation on the spam theme of penis enhancement that shocked me a little.
"BLOW HER AWAY WITH YOUR BIGGER LOADS!" the e-mail subject proclaimed. Bigger loads? As in more volume of ejaculated semen? I was mystified. What's the point of that? Surely this means something else.
I hit the internets, and sure enough, that is EXACTLY what this spam was selling. I found a website promising all sorts of ridiculous benefits to using "sperm enhancing" products called VolumePills (which supposedly "allow any man to cum like a porn star") and Semenax (which supposedly "gives you the ability to shoot a load as far and as powerful as anyone you have ever seen in a movie"):
After a quick read of the propaganda, I was even more mystified by this line of bullshit. It's news to me that "being able to produce a massive amount of semen is the key to getting more women." I've slept with my fair share of dudes and never once has my qualification pre-screening (translation: buy me a drink and tell me I'm pretty and/or smart) involved determining whether or not they can blow a Peter North-sized load. I don't usually care much one way or the other, and I have sort of a semen fetish. I love it when guys do hot porn star shit with their jizz. While I don't like taking it to the face without being warned first, I DO like it when guys give me pearl necklaces or shout "DRAINAGE!" when they're spraying all over my ass and lower back. Nonetheless, I have never heard "a woman talk about a man who shoots a small load without laughing" as the website suggests. In fact, I've never heard women talk about this much at all. Usually, we ladies only care about semen in that it doesn't taste bad, it doesn't stink, it isn't chunky or otherwise possibly diseased, and you don't get it in our eyes, because a cumshot to the peepers stings like a bitch. I've never thought, "Wow, that was a pretty pathetic paltry volume of ejaculate. What a loser."
After a quick read of the propaganda, I was even more mystified by this line of bullshit. It's news to me that "being able to produce a massive amount of semen is the key to getting more women." I've slept with my fair share of dudes and never once has my qualification pre-screening (translation: buy me a drink and tell me I'm pretty and/or smart) involved determining whether or not they can blow a Peter North-sized load. I don't usually care much one way or the other, and I have sort of a semen fetish. I love it when guys do hot porn star shit with their jizz. While I don't like taking it to the face without being warned first, I DO like it when guys give me pearl necklaces or shout "DRAINAGE!" when they're spraying all over my ass and lower back. Nonetheless, I have never heard "a woman talk about a man who shoots a small load without laughing" as the website suggests. In fact, I've never heard women talk about this much at all. Usually, we ladies only care about semen in that it doesn't taste bad, it doesn't stink, it isn't chunky or otherwise possibly diseased, and you don't get it in our eyes, because a cumshot to the peepers stings like a bitch. I've never thought, "Wow, that was a pretty pathetic paltry volume of ejaculate. What a loser."
I also don't believe that "men who shoot weak loads are often timid and meek." One of my high school boyfriends was timid and meek, and he produced such copious volumes of cum that after sex I would have to change my pants because my entire pelvic area from stem to stern would be so goddamn sodden. It made sex in the car (the number one preferred location for illicit teenaged high school sex) a royal pain in the ass in terms of mess, too. In fact, the only advantage I can think of regarding making lots of baby gravy is that it's probably easier to knock a girl up with, which is an undesirable thing in my book. Supporting this theory is the fact that my high school boyfriend now has two kids.
This sounds to me like a marketing myth that, for whatever reason, men are especially susceptible to, or what I call the "strap-on blowjob" phenomenon. In porn, you always see chicks sucking some other chick's strap-on, and the recipient is always moaning and acting like it's driving her wild. While I guess it's mentally kind of hot to see that and it makes practical sense to lube up your dildo, it's not like the chick wearing the strap-on can actually feel the fabulous blowjob she's getting. Having used strap-ons to bang chicks myself, I can say with certainty that the real trick to using one is learning how to work your partner's cooch blindly. When you're fingerbanging a chick or licking her snatch, you can get the lay of the land by touch. With a strap-on, you have to rely on your instincts, because you can't feel anything that's going on in there. In fact, when I first started using it last year, I had a terrible time even figuring out the correct angle to even commence penetration (thanks to all your helpful tips, by the way, that has now been resolved). The point is that the strap-on blowjobs so common to pornography are believable only to men, whose own love of fellatio render them especially gullible when it comes to buying that this act is awesome for the woman receiving it. The concept that blowing a gigantic load is guaranteed to get a guy laid like Hugh Hefner is the strap-on blowjob of penis enhancement lore.
Ladies can feel free to tell me that I'm wrong and that they actually do give a flying reverse piledriver about how much semen a man can produce with any given orgasm, but I am pretty confident that the vast majority of bitches DO NOT CARE. So, guys, save your money. Your ejaculate's size is much less important than its texture, smell, and taste. Besides, these pills probably don't work anyway. If you buy them, then it will actually hinder your chances of getting laid because it will demonstrate to all your prospective sex partners that you are STUPID.
Labels: gross, lezbollah, perversion, porn, Razzification, sex, sluts, weiners
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