Sunday, March 30, 2008
Whatten hell...?
Apparently Latin America doesn't have the market cornered on zany variety shows. I thought that there could be no three-hour exhibit of cars, stupid human tricks, marital counseling, skanky Fanta girl-esque chicks, singing contests, immigration tips, impromptu weddings, child custody battles, and sketch comedy more wack-tacular than the incomparable "Sabado Gigante." I once saw a hedge-clipping contest on that show once! Seriously, two guys with pruning shears raced each other to trim two long-ass hedges for the glory of being given $50 worth of "El mundo del ingles de Disney" products by the perennially suave hot Chilean Jew, Don Francisco.
I mean, "Whatten hell...?" It's this skinny dude crushing cans between his shoulder blades for no other reason except to drive the crowd wild and, seemingly, impress some cute girls. I love his assistant, who is a poor man's Seann William Scott rocking David Bowie's haircut from the movie Labyrinth. I also love the host of this show, who seemingly appropriated Peter Frampton's hair and Siegfried and Roy's wardrobe as his signature look. HOT.
Well, it seems Germany is giving the Spanish-speaking world a run for its dinero. They have a similar show called "Wetten, dass...?", which Wikipedia also tells me is the most successful television show in Europe. "Wetten, dass...?" means "Wanna bet...?" but watching a little of it, and I'm thinking it must also mean "What the hell...?", because that's the kind of reaction it elicits from me. See if you don't react the same way to THIS:
I mean, "Whatten hell...?" It's this skinny dude crushing cans between his shoulder blades for no other reason except to drive the crowd wild and, seemingly, impress some cute girls. I love his assistant, who is a poor man's Seann William Scott rocking David Bowie's haircut from the movie Labyrinth. I also love the host of this show, who seemingly appropriated Peter Frampton's hair and Siegfried and Roy's wardrobe as his signature look. HOT.
According to Wikipedia, the premise of this show is that ordinary people perform bizarre tasks (examples include igniting a pocket lighter with an excavator's shovel and pushing a car with a spear with tip resting on the contestant's throat), and celebrity guests place friendly wagers with each other regarding the outcome. Some celebrities who have been on this show include Heidi Klum, Grace Jones, Hugh Grant, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and...CURTIS "50 CENT" JACKSON AND ROBERT SYLVESTER KELLY! Why did I not see a video of Fitty betting Kells over how many cans this skinny dude could crush between his scapulae and then trash-talking each other in German?? I need to see that! I'd watch that every morning before going to work!
They need to get a cable channel showing "Wetten, dass...?" over here stateside immediately. If this show can attract over 50% of the German-speaking viewer demographic In Germany, Austria, Liechtenstein, and Switzerland, there's no reason it can't pull some pretty big Nielsen ratings here in the States too. I don't even speak any German besides "bratwurst" and "schiesse" and "guten tag" and I would watch this. I have got to discuss this with my German friend Js and Ps and see if he can hook it up with details about how I might be able to get more "Wetten, dass...?" in my life. Maybe he has some DVDs or something.
Labels: I LOVE IT, intentional buffoonery, international intrigue, que magnifico, ridiculous absurdity, sehr gut, TV
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Don Francisco
DOB: December 28, 1940
Occupation: television host, musician, the total Don
Hometown: Talca, Chile
Current residence: Miami, Florida
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: If you don't know who Don Francisco is, then you must not speak Spanish. Granted, I don't speak Spanish (well) either, but I speak enough to know that Don Francisco's show "Sabado Gigante" is one of the greatest masterpieces in the history of Univision. A combination of singing contests, advice from immigration lawyers, hot chicks in slutty sequined outfits, interviews, paternity tests, absurd competitions (I seriously saw two dudes compete in a hedge trimming contest once...no joke), infomercials, comedic performances, and guest musicians, "Sabado Gigante" certainly lives up to its grandiose name. Every time I happen to catch a little "Sabado Gigante" (hardly ever because I don't stay home Saturday nights on account of being a huge player, but this is not news), I feel like I've been transported to crazy land. Crazy AWESOME land. There's a reason why "Sabado Gigante" has been on for 40 years, and is now a hit all over Latin America, and that reason is that Don Francisco rules harder than Pinochet.
Don Francisco invented this show 40 years ago in his home country of Chile, because he felt that there was a dearth of shows combining all the best features of every good show in the US and Argentina. Hence, he invented the dopest variety show ever to grace the airwaves. Have you ever wanted to watch Maury Povich, Larry King Live, the O'Reilly Factor, Saturday Night Live, Barney and Friends, a Fanta commercial, American Idol, and The Price is Right all at the same time? Well if you can understand a little basic Spanish, that's pretty much what "Sabado Gigante" is. It's genius. As are Don Francisco's sublime fashion choices. He's usually rocking either an impeccably tailored old man suit or some type of ridiculous cowboy outfit, either of which are appropriate and tasteful for doing things like the following:
Officiating a pit fight between two would-be members of Menudo, or whatever the Chilean boy-band equivalent is. NICE outfits, by the way. I bet the preteen girls go crazy for the mullets and nerd uniform ensemble.
Staying cool when some random guy in a tux dashes out to zanily usurp the interview with a celebrity guest, only to strip him of all his dignity by sending out a court jester to tackle him and force him to wear a funny hat. Okay, that last part's not in the picture, but I'm almost positive that's what likely happened next here.
Leading the audience in raucous cheers as bus boys from the audience compete in a table-stacking and carrying contest.
Laughing at stupid pet tricks.
Singing his heart out. Marc Anthony is "El Cantante", my ass! Don Francisco rules la musica.
Sexually harassing some hot, scantily clad bitches as foreplay for giving away mad Ford Focuses.
Don Francisco is always suave and sexy, and he's going to stay at it until he drops. He said that he would never retire, and would not fail to show up every week for a new "Sabado Gigante" until he drops dead. That is some serious dedication right there, especially considering that being surrounded by all the SUPER EXCITING AWESOMENESS of "Sabado Gigante" probably takes years off one's life because it's so mind-blowingly ridiculous. Because Don Francisco seems to be the source of all that frenetic energy, I wonder if he's actually human and not some sort of god sent to entertain those of us fortunate enough to understand sufficient Spanish to figure out what's going on. I hope he is divine..."Sabado Gigante" por siempre!
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, que magnifico, ridiculous absurdity, TV
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Gigantically Bad Sunday
I should have cut myself off earlier last night. Not from drinking, because I only had two beers, which for me is about as intoxicating as taking a deep breath. No, I mean I shouldn't have watched two straight hours of "Sabado Gigante," because I think I have a hangover from the experience. I'm running late (of course) to get to Central Park for the race I'm running, and I have a headache and a queasy stomach similar to that I'd get from drinking around 10 beers with some interspersed Jaeger shots. It's not an I-wish-I-were-dead hangover, but it's a hangover nonetheless, and it means I'm off to a rough start on Domingo Gigante. Even rougher will be the 4 mile Central Park loop I'm set to trot around.
If you dare to watch "Sabado Gigante" next weekend, I strongly recommend making sure you can sleep late on Sunday to minimize the unpleasant effects consequent to overstimulating oneself with frenzied absurdity.
If you dare to watch "Sabado Gigante" next weekend, I strongly recommend making sure you can sleep late on Sunday to minimize the unpleasant effects consequent to overstimulating oneself with frenzied absurdity.
Labels: comeuppance, oh the horror, que magnifico, Razzification
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Gigantic Saturday
As part of my effort to train for a marathon in several months, I am running races. Tomorrow, I have to run 4 miles in the New York Road Runners/Adidas Run for the Parks race in Central Park, and I have to haul my ass out of bed at 6:30 a.m. to stand in line to get my number and ChampionCHIP (a microchip that will digitally record what will undoubtedly be an extraordinarily slow race time). Therefore, I decided to stay home tonight to ensure that I am in as little pain as possible while running under the "Impossible is Nothing" finish line. Impossible will be impossible if I make a date with my boyfriend Johnnie Walker and run all over New York tonight, so I'm having a quiet night of sobriety (or at least beer instead of whiskey) at home watching TV. I ended up flipping to this show called "Sabado Gigante" during a commercial on E!'s "THS Investigates Spring Break Nightmares," and gratitude for the large quantity of cerveza in my fridge ensued.
"Sabado Gigante," which translates literally to "Gigantic Saturday," is this variety show on Univision that may be the craziest shit I've ever seen on TV. Granted, my Spanish is muy mal, but it's not hard to figure out that this show is totally and completely FUCKING RIDICULOUS. It's a talk/game show that's probably best described as a combination of Maury Povich, The Man Show, Jeopardy, General Hospital, Hollywood Squares, a Daddy Yankee video, Barney and Friends, a Suzanne Somers infomercial, The Newlywed Game, Showtime at the Apollo, and the Price is Right, except en espanol and on some type of mind-blowing crack. I have been on the edge of my seat since I happened upon this gem.
The show moves at a rapid pace and is full of surprises. It's hard to keep track of all the ridiculous absurdity that has transpired in the last 30 minutes of this show:
1.When I started watching, host Don Francisco, whose look can best be described as part-Vince McMahon, part-greasy uncle that creeps everyone out, is quizzing a couple named Jose y Erika having some type of marital disagreement.
From what I could glean, the main problem was Jose's habit of lying about his substance abuse problems. Then the host asked the audience to decide who was right. The audience decided that Erika's argument was superior to her husband Jose's.
2. El senor Don Francisco is surrounded by dancing hoochies that look like really slutted out Fanta girls for no good reason for about thirty seconds. The dancing hoochies are like ghosts, for they disappear just as quickly.
3. A segment featuring a surprise paternidad test with this old deadbeat fat man. It turns out the deadbeat is el padre, but his daughter hates his guts, so the point is moot. After that is some sort of contest where panels of couples quiz a bunch of bride-groom pairings about their sex lives and values, and win money where they guess which is the most depraved.
4. Don Francisco has some ho show off a Ford Fusion, which is apparently being offered as a prize for some to-be-determined contest.
5. Don Francisco and some hooker wearing an outfit so reminiscent of a gaudily sequined full-body submissive harness that I wondered where her ball gag was hawk some DVDs in which Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse teach kids English, "El mundo del ingles de Disney," so they can speak the language of Disneyland.
6. More dancing hoochies in different outfits. Another shot of a different hoochie reclining on the shiny Fusion.
7. A guy dressed like some sort of sheik in a Pride parade runs through the audience, stirring up excitement, and then onstage, where he good-naturedly harasses Don Francisco. He drags some woman from the audience who looks as though her excitement might cause some type of cerebrovascular accident at any moment, some hos come out and give her money, and the sheik escorts her back to her seat.
8. A band of mariachis plays. The crowd goes insane.
9. A woman came out running around in a Pocahontas outfit pretending to rain dance, shrieking woo-woo-woo-woo, talking shit about the Apaches, and doing everything possible that might be offensive to Native Americans. She had an argument with Don Francisco about whether or not she would move to Hollywood and star in a movie about Indians which amused the audience greatly, then confessed her love for him, he tried to kick her off the set for making lewd jokes, the audience booed, and she declared him "el vaquero mas guapo."
10. Some bitch wins five grand. I have no idea how.
11. Don Francisco is gasping for no apparent reason as he interviews a woman whose mother was Dominican and father was Pakistani. Don Francisco jumps to a scene of the Dominicana-Pakistani at work. He gives her some money and her entire family, including distant cousins, appears in the audience and runs out, hugging her and weeping.
12. Don Francisco and this chick who looks like an alien drag hooker trying to impersonate Mariah Carey advertise elastic body shapers called "Molding Up", that suck in unsightly fat bulges. Chick raves about Molding Up, and they encourage women to call and get a perfect body in less than one minute.
13. Don Francisco, wearing a giant feathered hat with a donkey's head on top introduces a guy dressed like an Inquisition torturer at a gay leather bar with a trumpet slung around his shoulders carrying a pitchfork, who runs through the audience pretend-pitchforking delighted women in the head. The Inquisition torturer returns to a medieval set and proceeds to officiate a singing contest. Don Francisco dons a white easter bonnet covered with lace embellished with hearts for this contestant. Then some chick sings and he wears a baseball hat that looks like the Mexican flag. The next contestant sucks, and Don Francisco wears a jester cap. The reason for the Inquisition torturer's trumpet becomes apparent, as he drives the shitty singer from the stage with a resounding blast of that song bands play at college sports events which is generally followed by a communal shout of "CHARGE!".
14. Don Francisco hawks some type of snake oil face cream called Botulex. The chick is claiming that it has the same effects as Botox without a prescription. I sincerely doubt that it degrades SNARE protein SNAP-25 in neurons, thus blocking vesicular transport and preventing the release of neurotransmitters at the synapse, but Don Francisco and the Botulex ho are vigorously endorsing it nonetheless.
15. Some fat chick sings to her husband Miguel. Don Francisco puts on a hat with flowers on it. Apparently the singing contest continues. Don Francisco reveals that the chick who warranted the Mexican hat won. Her prize seems to be a date with some mariachi singer named David.
16. Don Francisco interviews an immigration lawyer in the audience. He provides counsel to a couple trying to sort out their niece's visa problems. He suggests she marry an American immediately. Then he tells another woman who is evading an order for deportation that her problem is very serious, but he applauds her enduring love for her husband and informs her that she won the Fusion.
17. A couple is pulled out of the audience and Don Francisco proceeds to give the guy some type of high pressure, rapid fire timed series of questions. Then he wins money and everyone sings.
18. The crowd is treated to a sad story about some woman whose husband was a 9/11 hero, but who has been in jail for four years because of some paperwork error at INS, and Don Francisco interviews her, her husband, and her lawyer, Don Edward Sapone. The lawyer bitches passionately about immigration policy, the chick cries, and Don Francisco observes that la migra's bureaucracy is slow as shit, highly inefficient, and generally fucked up. Then the lawyer starts talking about blood in an apartment and I'm very confused, because I thought this about immigration. I need to brush up on my Spanish is a serious way.
19. Don Francisco teases the audience by announcing that some dude named Miguel Bose will be on after the commercial, which is for "La Fea mas Bella," a telenovela similar to "Ugly Betty."
20. Miguel Bose appears, talks to Don Francisco about his music and his videos starring some Shakira wannabe chick in a bikini, and drives the women crazy. I have no idea why, because he looks like Donny Deutsch.
21. Some type of live sketch comedy happens in which an old woman is dissuaded from leaping off her roof, a smooth-talking lothario is prevented from sleeping with a very Kelly Bundy-esque teenager, the now non-suicidal old woman runs in stuck to a decorative cactus and ruins a priceless painting, a handyman gets slapped and responds by dressing in a full Three Musketeers-style outfit complete with rakishly tilted plumed cap, and the smooth-talker steals some guys money. The audience guffaws its approval.
22. A group of hoochies dance around pretending to play long trumpets. This ushers in some type of Home Depot-sponsored contest in which singing, dancing, and image consultants judge a mariachi contest. Mariachis are super popular on this show. La profesora del canto is giving serious fuck-me eyes to a male contestant named Zineb who looks like Ray Liotta's bastard Mexican son.
I have to stop now, because I don't think it's a good idea watch that much more of "Sabado Gigante." Don Francisco's Kool-Aid is intoxicating, and this show is like four hours long, and I'm not sure I can survive that. I'm so excited by this craziness that I feel like my head will explode if I watch another second. Gigantic Saturday is about to give me a gigantic coronary. As far as a relaxing night of healthy rest goes for me, I'm starting to think that maybe it would have been more prudent to drink my body's liquid volume in scotch. Impossible is "Sabado Gigante."
The show moves at a rapid pace and is full of surprises. It's hard to keep track of all the ridiculous absurdity that has transpired in the last 30 minutes of this show:
1.When I started watching, host Don Francisco, whose look can best be described as part-Vince McMahon, part-greasy uncle that creeps everyone out, is quizzing a couple named Jose y Erika having some type of marital disagreement.
2. El senor Don Francisco is surrounded by dancing hoochies that look like really slutted out Fanta girls for no good reason for about thirty seconds. The dancing hoochies are like ghosts, for they disappear just as quickly.
3. A segment featuring a surprise paternidad test with this old deadbeat fat man. It turns out the deadbeat is el padre, but his daughter hates his guts, so the point is moot. After that is some sort of contest where panels of couples quiz a bunch of bride-groom pairings about their sex lives and values, and win money where they guess which is the most depraved.
4. Don Francisco has some ho show off a Ford Fusion, which is apparently being offered as a prize for some to-be-determined contest.
5. Don Francisco and some hooker wearing an outfit so reminiscent of a gaudily sequined full-body submissive harness that I wondered where her ball gag was hawk some DVDs in which Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse teach kids English, "El mundo del ingles de Disney," so they can speak the language of Disneyland.
6. More dancing hoochies in different outfits. Another shot of a different hoochie reclining on the shiny Fusion.
7. A guy dressed like some sort of sheik in a Pride parade runs through the audience, stirring up excitement, and then onstage, where he good-naturedly harasses Don Francisco. He drags some woman from the audience who looks as though her excitement might cause some type of cerebrovascular accident at any moment, some hos come out and give her money, and the sheik escorts her back to her seat.
8. A band of mariachis plays. The crowd goes insane.
9. A woman came out running around in a Pocahontas outfit pretending to rain dance, shrieking woo-woo-woo-woo, talking shit about the Apaches, and doing everything possible that might be offensive to Native Americans. She had an argument with Don Francisco about whether or not she would move to Hollywood and star in a movie about Indians which amused the audience greatly, then confessed her love for him, he tried to kick her off the set for making lewd jokes, the audience booed, and she declared him "el vaquero mas guapo."
10. Some bitch wins five grand. I have no idea how.
11. Don Francisco is gasping for no apparent reason as he interviews a woman whose mother was Dominican and father was Pakistani. Don Francisco jumps to a scene of the Dominicana-Pakistani at work. He gives her some money and her entire family, including distant cousins, appears in the audience and runs out, hugging her and weeping.
12. Don Francisco and this chick who looks like an alien drag hooker trying to impersonate Mariah Carey advertise elastic body shapers called "Molding Up", that suck in unsightly fat bulges. Chick raves about Molding Up, and they encourage women to call and get a perfect body in less than one minute.
13. Don Francisco, wearing a giant feathered hat with a donkey's head on top introduces a guy dressed like an Inquisition torturer at a gay leather bar with a trumpet slung around his shoulders carrying a pitchfork, who runs through the audience pretend-pitchforking delighted women in the head. The Inquisition torturer returns to a medieval set and proceeds to officiate a singing contest. Don Francisco dons a white easter bonnet covered with lace embellished with hearts for this contestant. Then some chick sings and he wears a baseball hat that looks like the Mexican flag. The next contestant sucks, and Don Francisco wears a jester cap. The reason for the Inquisition torturer's trumpet becomes apparent, as he drives the shitty singer from the stage with a resounding blast of that song bands play at college sports events which is generally followed by a communal shout of "CHARGE!".
14. Don Francisco hawks some type of snake oil face cream called Botulex. The chick is claiming that it has the same effects as Botox without a prescription. I sincerely doubt that it degrades SNARE protein SNAP-25 in neurons, thus blocking vesicular transport and preventing the release of neurotransmitters at the synapse, but Don Francisco and the Botulex ho are vigorously endorsing it nonetheless.
15. Some fat chick sings to her husband Miguel. Don Francisco puts on a hat with flowers on it. Apparently the singing contest continues. Don Francisco reveals that the chick who warranted the Mexican hat won. Her prize seems to be a date with some mariachi singer named David.
16. Don Francisco interviews an immigration lawyer in the audience. He provides counsel to a couple trying to sort out their niece's visa problems. He suggests she marry an American immediately. Then he tells another woman who is evading an order for deportation that her problem is very serious, but he applauds her enduring love for her husband and informs her that she won the Fusion.
17. A couple is pulled out of the audience and Don Francisco proceeds to give the guy some type of high pressure, rapid fire timed series of questions. Then he wins money and everyone sings.
18. The crowd is treated to a sad story about some woman whose husband was a 9/11 hero, but who has been in jail for four years because of some paperwork error at INS, and Don Francisco interviews her, her husband, and her lawyer, Don Edward Sapone. The lawyer bitches passionately about immigration policy, the chick cries, and Don Francisco observes that la migra's bureaucracy is slow as shit, highly inefficient, and generally fucked up. Then the lawyer starts talking about blood in an apartment and I'm very confused, because I thought this about immigration. I need to brush up on my Spanish is a serious way.
19. Don Francisco teases the audience by announcing that some dude named Miguel Bose will be on after the commercial, which is for "La Fea mas Bella," a telenovela similar to "Ugly Betty."
20. Miguel Bose appears, talks to Don Francisco about his music and his videos starring some Shakira wannabe chick in a bikini, and drives the women crazy. I have no idea why, because he looks like Donny Deutsch.
22. A group of hoochies dance around pretending to play long trumpets. This ushers in some type of Home Depot-sponsored contest in which singing, dancing, and image consultants judge a mariachi contest. Mariachis are super popular on this show. La profesora del canto is giving serious fuck-me eyes to a male contestant named Zineb who looks like Ray Liotta's bastard Mexican son.
I have to stop now, because I don't think it's a good idea watch that much more of "Sabado Gigante." Don Francisco's Kool-Aid is intoxicating, and this show is like four hours long, and I'm not sure I can survive that. I'm so excited by this craziness that I feel like my head will explode if I watch another second. Gigantic Saturday is about to give me a gigantic coronary. As far as a relaxing night of healthy rest goes for me, I'm starting to think that maybe it would have been more prudent to drink my body's liquid volume in scotch. Impossible is "Sabado Gigante."
Labels: hilarious shit, I LOVE IT, que magnifico, Razzification, ridiculous absurdity, TV
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