Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Razzy Hater Orientation
On my victory in the Google game:
Yet I can skip over your drivel by searching with "razzy bailey". Seems to be very little additional effort to get to something substantive. Conversely, if I search with "razzy cunt", there you are, right on top as you should be. Things are right with the world.On this fat Smith girl whose blog I deemed a "big, beautiful shitshow":
"I am strongly considering never mentioning that I went to Smith again."On naked pictures my artfag friends took of me:
Welcome news would be that you intend to never mention anything ever again at all.
"The problem here is not only that she was painted liberally with the ugly stick, ... "
Got mirrors?
Fantastic! If I blow this up to 400% and crop away everything but the cooch, after a qt of Wild Turkey I can actually masturbate to the 3rd one down.On my overall physical appearance at my friend's wedding:
"You know it's a good party when you start the night looking like this"On my whining about Social Security:
God, now that's hilarious. You're particular brand of sarcasm keep us in stitches spunktrap.
Everything you spew says "I'm depressed". Got any news? Sounds like you won't be needing social security anyway. Perhaps you haven't paid much into SS because you don't work. See, the blog doesn't count. Is it Razzy, or Nazzdy?On my account of my own deflowering:
I think we've all grown a little and find ourselves more complete having read this. You vagina is the center of the known universe Nazzdy.I like that. I'll answer to Nazzdy. That's kind of fun and catchy, and illustrates jomammasanallover's general creative skill. Despite the fact that he apparently learned punctuating from "The Electric Company," he covers a variety of topics (I'm fat, ugly, unemployed, depressed, and a nasty slut to boot), he vividly illustrates his point with clever anecdotes about masturbation and Wild Turkey, and he even invents delightfully catchy derogatory nicknames for me like "spunktrap." Frankly, "spunktrap" is a word that I need to incorporate into my own vocabulary with more regularity. Because of his gift at hating, I was almost sad when I responded to one of these comments by pointing out that, as the IP address originated on Razzy Bailey-related posts and was coming from Nashville AKA Razzy Bailey's known city of residence, I suspected that jomammasanallover was indeed Razzy Bailey. After being outed, jomammasanallover never commented again and sadly, "Nazzdy" never quite caught on. This brings me to my next bit of advice regarding effective hating.

Guess what, This Dumb Bitch? No random person cares enough about your fat ass to defend you on my blog. Therefore, leaving comments expressing moral indignation coupled with calling me names on the page I wrote about you and pretending not to be you while simultaneously calling me fat on the Sarah Palin Halloween costume post I wrote isn't exactly a diabolically clever way to throw me off your trail. And speaking of the comments you left on the Sarah Palin post, let me get to my third tip.
Can we say... Muffin Top & Thunder Thighs. Looks like [MY FULL REAL NAME] of [MY HOME ADDRESS], with phone number [MY CELL PHONE NUMBER] needs to step on the treadmill.This Dumb Bitch attempted to post this multiple times before going through the mental gymnastics necessary to comprehend the boldfaced blurb underneath the comment window which reads: "Comment moderation has been enabled. All comments must be approved by the blog author." Then they left another comment (which I did approve) claiming that I only approve "self-serving comments" rather than ones that eviscerate me via fifth-grade affronts like "thunder thighs."
Labels: crime and punishment, Facebook, P-N-Dub, Razzy Haters, sexual assault
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Daniel Henry Plant




Labels: crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, gross, HotLawyer, kewlness, sexual assault
Monday, August 04, 2008
Daily Douchebag: pussy-fiending anonymous commenter CREEPS WHO THREATEN ME

Your a fucking liar, YOU BITCH!!!!!!!!
Months and months ago you promised to show us all you're pussy and there are alot of us who have come back waiting for this day. Instead you FLAGGRANTLY IGNORE when I remind you and just keep up with these halfassed tit pictures (and see comment above, this last one is like you did event ry!)
I for one am sick and tired of waiting and waiting for you to make good on your promise and show what you got going on down there. Your funny its true but how many people do you think really read this for the articals? Thats what my dad used to say about his Playboys but its not like he really read any of it.
If you know what's good for you you will hurry up and do like you said LIKE YOU PROMISED. Or else maybe someone will come to collect like it or not you liar ass bitch. Just kidding or am i...???????????
Labels: crazies, Daily Douchebag, retard rage, scathing indictments, sexual assault
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Watch the eyes
So, my friend was at some bachelorette party and of course they had some guido stripper shaking his junk for all of them. Guido stripper went from girl to girl and practically dick slapped them. The next day, my friend's eye was all swollen and nasty. She went to the doctor and guess what was in that bitch's eye? A fucking dead crab.
Labels: assholes, epidemic geekery, gross, holy fucking matrimony, nudity, oh the horror, sexual assault, weiners
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Josef Fritzl

DOB: 1935
Occupation: incestuous authoritarian father/dungeon master and world-class creep
Hometown: Amstetten, Austria
Current residence: JAIL
Douchebaggery: Like most people, I think it goes without saying that Josef Fritzl, the creepy Austrian guy who imprisoned his daughter in his basement dungeon, raped her for 24 years, and fathered seven children by her, is not only a douchebag but an absolutely repugnant human being. In fact, I have yet to meet anyone saying "oh, I'm sure the media's making it seem worse than it actually is" or "this story's getting blown way out of proportion." In the court of public opinion, the verdict is unanimous that Josef Fritzl is a disgusting, base, creepy, terrible man who deserves at the very least to be viciously raped in prison, where hopefully he'll spend the rest of his miserable life.
Labels: comeuppance, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, oh the horror, sexual assault
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: my soon-to-be lawyer





DOB: TBD
Occupation: barristry, awesomeness
Hometown: TBD
Current residence: New York, New York
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: It's only Tuesday, but it's already been a brisk week here in the RAZZY.org legal department (and by "legal department" I mean my friend HotLawyer). I'm not going to really talk about what's going on right now, except to say that I'm not surprised that an abusive, misogynistic bastard has turned to the legal system as a means of further harassing me. I thus intend to lawyer up myself and let the professionals handle it. So does anyone know a good attorney on the fair isle of Mannahattas who knows a lot about defamation law? Holler at your girl.
Labels: assholes, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, free fucking speech, grad school bullshit, legal drama, overcompensation, Razzy Haters, sexual assault
Monday, January 28, 2008
Mary Kay started it
States get tough on classroom sexual misconductExcuse me, "Associated Press" or whatever your name is who wrote this article, but why did you only give Washington state a passing mention? There's nary a single sound bite from someone in the Dub-A about how we're cracking down on teacher molestation, and that's truly an inexcusable journalistic oversight. We started this trend! Remember these two lovebirds?
(AP) Heeding a steady drumbeat of sexual misconduct cases involving teachers, at least 15 states are now considering stronger oversight and tougher punishment for educators who take advantage of their students.
Lawmakers say they are concerned about an increasingly well-documented phenomenon: While the vast majority of America's teachers are committed professionals, there also is a persistent problem with sexual misconduct in U.S. schools.
When abuse happens, administrators too often fail to let others know about it, and too many legal loopholes let offenders stay in the classroom.
Advocates include governors, education superintendents and legislative leaders.
"We've got to be on a bully pulpit with our school districts," said Missouri state Rep. Jane Cunningham.
Cunningham's legislation would eliminate statutes of limitation for sexual misconduct, allowing victims to come forward and bring charges against abusers no matter how many years had passed since the crime.
The ideas emerging in state capitals come at a time when U.S. media have been reporting steadily on individual cases, along with more in-depth examinations of the problem.
A nationwide Associated Press investigation published in October found 2,570 educators whose teaching credentials were revoked, denied, surrendered or sanctioned from 2001 through 2005 following allegations of sexual misconduct. Experts who track sexual abuse say those cases are representative of a much deeper problem because of underreporting.
In eight states, leaders pushing changes said the AP investigation had inspired their proposals. Others said they had grown concerned from individual cases of abuse in their states, or other news reports that looked at the problem locally or in their state.
In New York, Gov. Eliot Spitzer supports automatic suspension of teachers convicted of sex crimes, which now requires lengthy hearings. In Maine, Gov. John Baldacci hopes to share the names of abusive teachers with other states, which a 1913 confidentiality law there prohibits.
In Florida, Gov. Charlie Crist endorsed federal legislation proposed by U.S. Rep. Adam Putnam, a Florida Republican, to create a national databank of abusive teachers, a hot line for complaints and federal funds for state investigators.
Some states are looking to increase penalties, expand background checks or broaden their ability to police charter schools for abuse, like Indiana, Massachusetts and Utah. Kentucky and South Carolina are considering making it illegal for teachers to have sex with older students.
Several states are tackling a major problem -- the loopholes that allow problem teachers to move from one school district to another, or from one state to another.
The AP investigation found that what education officials commonly call "passing the trash" happens when districts allow a teacher to quietly leave a school, or fail to report problems to state authorities, or fail to check with state authorities before hiring a teacher, among other glitches.
In eight states, legislators are pursuing changes to close those gaps, including California, Colorado, Florida, Minnesota, Missouri, Virginia, Washington state and West Virginia.
"Despite acts of misconduct that were threatening and dangerous in schools, there is a track record of people going on to another school district and finding employment," said Missouri state Senate President Pro Tem Michael Gibbons. "The new school district may get the truth, but they don't get the whole truth about this person's background.
They may find out the dates of service, they may find out this person was dismissed, but there really is no other information forthcoming."
His legislation aims to get school employees and districts to share all information about job-hunting teachers, including whether those educators sexually abused their students, by granting administrators civil immunity from lawsuits.
Other states approach the same problem differently. A Colorado measure being drafted would penalize school districts and state officials that fail to report problem teachers, while a West Virginia proposal would open school officials themselves to punishment. Florida would bar any confidentiality agreement between districts and teachers, and require districts to report every firing to the state.
In California, one proposal would close a loophole that bars the teacher credentialing commission from revealing the reason teachers lose their licenses if they plead no contest to an offense.
Under no contest pleas, defendants are punished as if they pleaded guilty, but retain the right to challenge the charges against them in lawsuits and other proceedings. Such deals have meant public records were unclear about why educator licenses were sanctioned in dozens of cases, the AP found.
"You should not be able to plead no contest to a sex offense just so you can continue teaching," said state Sen. Bob Margett. The measure means teachers who plead no contest would immediately lose their license, and the reason for the revocation would be public record.
Some say the latest legislation is just the beginning.
South Carolina has created a new committee of parents, teachers, social workers and prosecutors to study the problem and come back with new ideas.
Though small statistically, the number of abusive teachers is too high, South Carolina Education Superintendent Jim Rex wrote after reading the AP report.
"I am nonetheless outraged by any incident in which an adult entrusted with the care of one of South Carolina's students violates that student. The ramifications for that student, his or her family, and the community as a whole are painful and long lasting," he wrote.
In Utah, the numbers of abuses flat-out shocked state Rep. Carl Wimmer. "These things happen a lot more often than parents would think," he said. "It seems we do have an unacceptable high amount of children who get violated in the classroom. One is too many."

Even if Washington and the P-N-Dub's heroic, simple, and totally effective efforts to curb teacher-student sex did get the shaft in this investigation, at least maybe all this media attention on children effing their trusted educators will result in something undeniably positive: an excuse to show reruns of "All-American Girl: The Mary Kay LeTourneau Story" on Lifetime, starring Penelope Ann Miller as MKLT. That was the best Lifetime movie ever. If anything, it shed some light as to why MKLT forsook her husband and four children to bone the overgelled and pubestachioed tween Vili Fualaau. Her husband was a dick, and she had daddy issues, and she wasn't getting any, and that Vili Fualaau was a smooth talker. He may have only been thirteen, but in the movie he was spitting some game straight out of a Billy Dee Williams Colt 45 commercial. God, I probably would have even fucked Vili Fualaau, and I hate kids! I hate kids so much I want to drop-kick them when I see them, but Vili Fualaau had something going on. He was such a pick-up artist that he could teach Robert Sylvester Kelly a thing or two about being a flirt. If Vili Fualaau in real life is anything like the stunningly accomplished actor who played him in the Lifetime movie, I can hardly blame MKLT for succumbing to his seductive wiles. Plus, he looked like he was hot in the sack. Like I said, best. Lifetime. Movie! EVER!
Labels: crime and punishment, destroy all children, P-N-Dub, politics, ridiculous absurdity, sex, sexual assault, TV
Monday, January 07, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Anna O'Malley

Name: Anna O'Malley
DOB: 1967
Occupation: "data entry specialist," hot unwitting victim
Hometown: ?
Current residence: Brooklyn, New York
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: One day, Anna O'Malley was just minding her own business when her phone started blowing up with calls from seeming perverts. I imagine at first she was confused, then a little scared, then pissed as hell upon realizing that this was a result of somebody getting up to some asshole mischief on Craigslist. According to the NY Daily News:
Fake Craigslist post offered sex for cashAh, this fake call-me-for-sex Craigslist posting brings back memories. Memories of happy, carefree days past in which a dumb bitch named Tejratan Bindra (Smith '07) took exception to mean things I wrote about her dorm room on my blog and orchestrated the following similar attack on my privacy and well-being, in which I was "besieged" by correspondence from "men hungry for sex:"
BY CARRIE MELAGO
DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER
Sunday, January 6th 2008, 4:00 AM
Men hungry for sex besieged a Brooklyn woman with phone calls after spotting a bogus ad on Craigslist that said she was looking to turn tricks to pay off Christmas debt.
Anna O'Malley, 40, was stunned to learn someone with the e-mail address igotjunglefever@gmail.com posted an ad Jan. 2 offering sex for cash using her name and telephone number.
"I'm a hardworking, honest person and I would never in my life post an ad like that," said O'Malley, who was awakened last week to more than a dozen calls.
The callers were responding to the racy ad, which read: "I'm a real hottie looking to earn extra cash to pay off Christmas debt."
The data entry specialist had to change her phone number.
"I don't want to constantly look over my shoulder," she said.
O'Malley said she was further peeved when Craigslist would not help her locate the pervert.
After one of the callers flagged the ad for O'Malley, it was taken down too fast for her to check if her home address or other personal information was listed. She also wasn't able to take down other details to give cops, she said.
Craigslist initially told O'Malley they could not turn over the ad without a subpoena. But after they were contacted yesterday by the Daily News, the Web site turned over the full text.
"We hope Ms. O'Malley will decide to pursue this, in which case we will look forward to assisting law enforcement in bringing the perpetrator to justice," CEO Jim Buckmaster said in a statement.

WHY did I not show Anna O'Malley's common sense and go to the damn Daily News when this happened to me? Granted, my fake Craigslist ad was offering to give it up for free rather than recoup holiday bills via prostitution, but still...I DID get more than a dozen calls. And the dumb bitch who put up the ad actually corresponded with one of the respondents and sent him to my apartment door. I strongly suspect that the aforementioned dumb bitch was able to obtain my personal information from Smith College's glorified alumnae network database. What later became known to Razzy historians as the Tej Offensive got out of control, and I went to the cops, who sent me to the FBI. Nothing happened because the harassment ceased as soon as I tattled on Tej to Smith College's Dean of Students. But I never thought of making like Anna and telling the Daily News (or better yet, the Post) about it! That was a smart move.
I should have gone to the press, not just because it would be awesome to have the CEO of Craigslist commenting on my predicament, but because it would have been sooooooooo embarrassing and distressing for Tej, who aspires to maybe go to law school, where she might be semi-interested in doing stuff about human rights. I can only imagine the look on her jowly face fretting about the prospect of her former bosses at the New York City Human Rights Commission opening their morning Daily News and seeing Tej's name in glorious ignonimous print. Kiss that recommendation from that oh-so-valuable Praxis-funded internship goodbye! Why didn't I think of that? Clearly, Anna O'Malley is a sage, and she must also be a real ball-busting bitch to have incurred an enemy serious enough to go the sexual-identity theft-on-Craigslist route. I hereby register my admiration.
Labels: comeuppance, crime and punishment, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Dumb Smith bitches, sexual assault, Tej Offensive, vengeance is sweet
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Bill Nye the Surprisingly-Razzy-Like Guy

Blair didn't much appreciate this, and decided to take out her aggressions on Bill's vegetable garden. Late at night, she crept into his garden and tried to spray weed killer all over it, but fled when he caught her. Like a total dumbass, she started running as soon as he said, "Blair?", essentially confirming her identity. So he went to court and got a restraining order to prevent further threats against his "food produce" and his eyesight from her deadly toxic solvents/herbicides.
I've always liked Bill Nye because not only are science nerds cool (a notion validated every time I look in a mirror), he's from the P-N-Dub and got his start on a local sketch comedy show called "Almost Live" that I used to watch all the time. That show was fucking hilarious. Just thinking about those skits on "Almost Live" (especially the fake Kent and Ballard episodes of "COPS", the TV ad for the "Lynnwood Beauty Academy," and the "Dale Chihuly: world-famous glass artist and vigilante crimefighter" sketch) is cracking me up as we speak. But I digress. Bill Nye was one of the most successful "Almost Live" alums, and I love that his whole game is science-related. He really has geek chic down to the polka-dotted bow tie. It sucks to be just going about your pimptastic business only to have some honey go nuts and disrupt your life with stalking.
Stalking is just not fucking cool. I've been stalked a few times in my life, mostly by harmless dudes who would leave shit on my porch or write me inappropriately lengthy notes or blow up my phone. They would annoy me, but not really scare me. When I lived with Miss Corbutt in Tacoma, our exploits about town ensured that we got stalker gifts at least once a week. We used to joke about it. However, there is NOTHING funny about a stalker who comes ready to kill--even if the intended victims are Bill's tomato plants. I had a stalker this past year who was of that scary stalking variety.
The Ja-Fake-An who wouldn't eat pussy--who henceforth shall be called Rxxx Sxxxxxx, because that's his name and I don't feel any reason whatsoever why I should protect his fucking identity--didn't like what I wrote about him on my blog. I only wrote about him because I was furious that he seemed to feel like constantly sexually harassing me was acceptable, and I wanted to get all my anger out of my system constructively. He did not respond well to this, and came to my lab raising hell and threatening me, menacing me at my lab meeting, and trying to get my PI (ie: boss) to agree that I was a stupid bitch who needed to be put in her place. My PI said he was concerned for my safety, because Rxxx was obviously crazed. Rxxx was told by our department chair to stay the hell away from me, but after getting kicked out of his SECOND lab at Columbia for behavioral issues (he got kicked out of the first for sexual harassment), he decided that he wasn't going to abide by that anymore. He started showing up on my floor, showing up at Free Friday (grad student happy hour), where on one memorable occasion he took two beers out of my hands. This was after I was assured he would ESPECIALLY stay away from me when he was drinking.
Now he has a formal disciplinary letter advising him that any contact with me will result in serious disciplinary action, and I have informed the deans, my department, and Columbia public safety that I will not fuck around should he bother me again. I will go straight to the courthouse and get my own damn TRO, because malevolent stalkers are not to be trifled with. Therefore, I applaud Bill Nye for exercising his legal right to not have solvent sprayed on his veggies or into his eyes by a scorned ex-not-wife with abysmally bad coping skills. The Blair Tindalls and the Rxxx Sxxxxxx need to just get served. Served with legal papers saying that they are ordered by a judge to stay the fuck away!
I feel Bill Nye. It's hard to be a not-really-that-attractive-but-still-possessing-a-certain-something type of sexy geek. I've got basically the same thing going on, but I'm more stacked.


Labels: assholes, crazies, crime and punishment, grad school bullshit, oh the horror, P-N-Dub, Rxxx Sxxxxxx, science, sexual assault
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Anthony Merino

DOB: 1983?
Occupation: part-time morgue lab technician; geriatric necrophile
Hometown: Bronx, New York
Current residence: W. 185th Street, Manhattan, New York, New York
Douchebaggery: A quick glance at his metallic Playboy-symbol embossed MySpace might lead you to believe that Anthony Merino is your usual harmless guido-next-door. His interests are pretty typical, including "watching Movies, weight training, playing football, making mix dance/club mixes, going out to the hottest clubs in NYC, and last but not least working hard always cause I know in the end it will all pay off. The harder you work the harder you can party." He likes "eurodance" music and his favorite book is something called Extreme Muscle Enhancement. I have a feeling that Anthony can execute a flawless fist pump.
However, Anthony's life is not entirely spent going to "the hottest clubs in NYC" (translation: Crobar, Avalon, and any other hellish bacchanalian clusterfuck of cocaine, overpriced drinks, and house music that attracts the Bridge-and-Tunnel types), improving his muscles, and taking pictures of his crotch rocket car. He's also a student and thus spends lots of time "studing" (probably the most awesome guido misspelling of all time) and working as a "histotechnologist" AKA slide sorter at some New Jersey hospital lab. In the course of his professional efforts, he has access to the hospital morgue. After all, "histotechnologist" refers to someone who works with technology relating to tissue samples, and where are there more tissue samples than in a morgue?
However, Anthony decided to take a rather unconventional approach to his job. Instead of taking a tissue sample from the corpse of the 92-year-old woman who had just been wheeled into his office after hours, Anthony decided to leave one of his own. In her cold, collapsed, dead elderly woman vagina. GROSS! He got arrested and was clearly sad about getting caught:

Anthony is a revolting perv, and me being disgusted by someone's perversion is a tall order indeed. Ladies, if you happen to be out clubbing and you see this fella, fist-pumping away in a fuzzy pastel Kangol hat and a pair of stunner shades to some eurotrash techno, RUN don't walk away from him! His dick has hit dead vagina, and even I draw the line at sitting on that. Indeed, what lies behind and before are small matters compared to what lies within, if by "within" you are referring to my cooch and by "what" you are referring to necrophiliac guido dick. NO THANKS.
Labels: crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, gross, oh the horror, people who died, perversion, sex, sexual assault
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Lindsay Roberts


DOB: probably in the 40s or 50s; although according to her she was "born again" when Jesus healed her ovaries at age 25, thus allowing her to produce a trio of
Occupation: First Lady of Oral Roberts University, televangelist, implied pedophile
Hometown: ??--but I bet it's somewheres in the Bible belt
Current residence: Tulsa, Oklahoma
Douchebaggery: Mrs. Lindsay Roberts is the wife of Richard Roberts, a fiery evangelical and the president of Oral Roberts University. She has her own ministry, frequently appearing on TV to host a Jesus-centered morning show featuring prayer, praise, cooking, and (her description, not mine) "fun." And in spite of loving the lord CHEESE-sauce Chrast, she has a taste for the finer things.
Currently, she is being accused of using the university's money for her personal expenses. One of her favorite preaching points involves living a "stress-free" lifestyle, thanks to the power of Jesus. During her sermons, however, she never mentions that in addition to prayer and devotion to the Lord and Savior, it also helps to spend money that isn't yours on a jet to take your daughter to the Bahamas for her senior trip, a Lexus SUV, a red Mercedes convertible, new tile for your bathroom, a fancy new kitchen, a stable filled with fine Arabians for your children's exclusive use, a wardrobe filled with the latest in Bible belt chic, and scores of non-academic scholarships for your friends' kids. Nothing keeps the fire of the Holy Spirit burning bright within one's soul like flossing in a fresh-out-the-showroom luxury whip and a closet full of Chico's. (And what a surprise she shops at Chico's; this only validates my belief that hideous print silk blouses are the mainstay of the corrupt televangelist wife style). So Jesus may have run around wearing robes and sandals, but all he had to worry about was those cranky Pharisees talking shit about him. How is Lindsay supposed to lure underage boys into the Oral Roberts guest house without the latest in linen shoulder-padded blazers and, as my boyfriend 50 Cent would put it, more whips than a runaway slave?
Although the lawsuit Lindsay and her husband are currently facing doesn't make any sexual accusations, it does say that Lindsay's university-issued phone was blowing up with text messages to a bunch of underage dudes, who she would meet for sordid trysts in the guest house. This resulted in her phone bill regularly exceeding $800 per month. $800 worth of text messages! Somehow I don't think she racked up these bills texting boys between 1 and 3 a.m. by exchanging prayer petitions with them. When she wasn't getting her swerve on with Tulsa's finest young gentlemen via text, she was entertaining them with cigarettes and her considerable experience at putting the "oral" in Oral Roberts. And, of course, $39,000 worth of fuck-me floral pattern button-up rayon frocks from Chico's! (**CHICO'S!** I can't get over it.) I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus would have been doing if he weren't so busy healing lepers, driving out demons, feeding the multitudes, and being persecuted, scourged, and crucified to save the sins of the world. If he weren't so involved with rejecting Satan and rising from the fucking dead, then I'm sure he would have been banging teenagers and living large off the donations of the faithful too.
I love it when these super sanctimonious evangelical types get their comeuppance. These people all invoke the name of Jesus with every breath, and spend most of their time damning everyone outside their fold in his name (see: my Aunt Jesus), and it's just so satisfying to see that they are not only terrible at living Christ's message because they're great big hypocrites, but that they're far more sinful and depraved than the average person. Lindsay spends her mornings telling her telecongregation that Jesus sent AIDS to kill the fags, that mothers should die in childbirth rather than terminate a hopelessly fucked pregnancy, and that they should open their hearts and their wallets to God (specifically, God as worshipped by Oral Roberts University), and her nights acting as some brazen combination of Casanova and Mary Kay LeTourneau. She's like the female equivalent of that minister in Colorado who was caught buying meth and getting massaged by a gay hooker.
Anyway, I hope God watched "Larry King Live" last night, where the beleaguered Mrs. Roberts claimed to "live (her) life in a morally upright manner" and that the accusations "sicken (her) to the soul." Yeah, it sickens her to her soul...that she got caught and publicly called on it! Because it's mighty embarrassing to be screwing around with underage kids when you've appointed yourself a pillar of piety and an example for the morally righteous everywhere. Embarrassing, and deserved. But Mrs. Roberts shouldn't worry, because I'm sure there are a lot of people praying for her right now. I know I am.
Labels: assholes, Aunt Jesus, comeuppance, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, Dear God, perversion, sexual assault, sluts
Monday, October 01, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Chester Arthur Stiles

DOB: 1970?
Occupation: pedophile
Hometown: Las Vegas, Nevada
Current residence: On the lam
Douchebaggery: I think it goes without saying that making a sex tape with a three-year-old child more than qualifies someone as a douchebag. I hate kids, so I can't imagine why anyone would ever want to have sex with one of those horrible little creatures. Especially a three-year-old; that's the worst age. Three-year-olds are brats who always cry and throw fits and complain, they stink, they eat with all the class and sophistication of pigs at the slop trough, and they wipe their snot on everything. Who wants to have sex with that? GROSS!
Well, apparently Chester Stiles did, since he's been on the run dodging an arrest warrant issued in 2004 for touching the kiddies, and passed some of his time as a figuitive making an amateur child rape-porn video. I guess Chester Stiles has to stick with fucking kids because you know that no woman past the age of four would ever hit this pube-stachioed mess. Chester Stiles puts the "ew" in "lewd conduct with a minor:"

Labels: crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, destroy all children, gross, oh the horror, sexual assault
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Warren Steed Jeffs

DOB: December 3, 1955
Occupation: President and Prophet, Seer and Revelator of the Fundamentalist Church of the Latter Day Saints, Child Rapist and Child Rapist Accomplice
Hometown: Salt Lake Valley, Utah
Current residence: Purgatory Correctional Facility, Purgatory Flats, Utah (best name for a prison/prison town EVER)
Douchebaggery: After his father Rulon croaked, Warren took over as the HBIC of the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints. This is a group that spun off the conventional Mormon church because they disagreed with church elders who banned a certain practice they felt was sanctioned by God (because Rulon said so, and he ws apparently a persuasive motherfucker): polygamous marriage to pubescent first cousins. Rulon gained a following after convincing them he was descended from Jesus Christ and Joseph Smith, which is like the Fundamentalist Mormon equivalent of what that DaVinci Code crap characterized as "the holy grail" (obviously that piece of facile trash was fictional, since everyone knows that Indiana Jones left that shit down some misty crevice in the temple at the end of the Canyon of the Crescent Moon after he healed the mortal bullet wound Sean Connery got courtesy of those pesky relic-crazy Nazis). and then hauled his congregation to the small town of Colorado City, Arizona. The whole polygamy-with-young girls thing resulted in a lot more babies and a lot more wives, and pretty soon the town was overrun.
Upon Rulon's death, Warren promptly took his dynasty by the reins and married all but two of his father's several dozen former wives and taking first pick of his hottest twelve-year-old blood relatives. He has over seventy fecund young brides now. In the meantime, he excommunicated as many teenage boys as possible to ensure that Warren and all his lecherous old brothers and cousins could fuck the town's young girls without any competition. When they got tired of the girls, Jeffs and his homeboys would amuse themselves by sodomizing their 5-7 year old male nephews and preaching racial bigotry (ie: "the black race is the people through which the devil has always been able to bring evil upon the earth") along with his doctrines of plural marriage, incest, and child rape. Obviously this man's resume has all the hallmarks of a great prophet. I'm sure Moses and Elijah and the elite crew we Catholics call "all the angels and saints" were up to those hijinx as well, and just forgot to mention it was essential to salvation and divine favor. Presumably Jesus got crucified before he got a chance to weave a clever parable encouraging incestuous pedophilia, so the Jeffs family got tapped to get the message out there that such acts are the highway to heaven.
I guess Jesus never gave Warren any insight about courage or the importance of having it, though, because the second he was charged with rape of a minor by state authorities in Utah and Arizona, the bitch tucked his undoubtedly small, crooked penis (he's got a SERIOUS crooked pencil dick vibe) between his scrawny legs and hit the road with a whole suicase full of wigs, trenchcoats, sunglasses, and various disguises. Since he was notorious enough to make the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list, he had to really get his fugitive on. As befits a criminal cult leader, he was also rolling in style; when he was arrested on I-15, he was cruising out of Vegas in a burgundy Escalade with a couple of the choicest children in his flock of top-notches, $55,000 cash, and 16 cell phones.
Yesterday, a jury in Utah convicted Jeffs of two counts of accomplice rape, each of which carries a sentence of five years to life, for directing a 14-year-old girl to marry her 19-year-old first cousin and subsequently exhorting her to "do her duty" and put out. Then he mounted a defense consisting of the first cousin rapist in question taking the stand and crying about how frustrating it was that his child bride wouldn't fuck him. The jury was like, "Cue the violins, perv" and voted for guilty. Now that Utah's had their way, Arizona is getting its turn to bitchslap this disgusting creep for eight counts of sexual conduct with a minor and incest. God willing, he'll be grabbing his ankles in the prison shower to reap the fruits of his prophecies for decades to come. That would really put the "penitent" in "penitentiary," and it's what a pussified hypocrite bitch like Warren Jeffs should rightfully get for using his interpretation of the Christian message as an excuse to bang kids. So I'm psyched that there's a good prospect Warren isn't ever going to shit right again. Justice is served.
Labels: assholes, comeuppance, Daily Douchebag, sexual assault
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Mohammed al-Sanussi

DOB: 1980?
Occupation: hooker beater, trust fund dickhead
Hometown: Tripoli, Libya
Current residence: London, England
Douchebaggery: Mohammed al-Sanussi, nephew of Libyan "Brotherly Leader and Guide of the Revolution" Muammar al-Gadhafi (or is it Khadafy? Qaddafi? it's always spelled differently!), decided to celebrate my birthday last November 17th by hiring a couple hookers. If I were the unemployed, filthy-rich expatriate son of Libya's intelligence service, that's what I would do if I looked at the calendar and said, "Hey, it's Razzy's 28th birthday. Hooker threesome time!"
Unfortunately, al-Sanussi didn't just settle in comfortably for what should have been an awesome, money-well-spent evening with some pussy for hire. He got into a dispute with the ladies about their fees, and wound up hitting them. Actually, he didn't just hit them: he beat one of them so badly that she sustained numerous skull fractures, and rearranged the other one's face with a number of ugly-ass bruises.
I feel a lot of sympathy toward prostitutes, and before anyone starts making any cracks about my own sexual generosity, it's not because I'm kind of like one. I'm a slut, not a whore. Sluts give it up for free as opposed to those in the world's oldest profession, or in the words of Lil' Kim, "Some bitches fuck to get they riches...I fuck to bust a nut." Most hookers end up getting a pretty raw deal. They are dependent upon fucking for their livelihood, and that's definitely got to take a lot of the fun out of sex. Also, they have to put up with all sorts of unpleasant shit, like diseases and abuse. Not that regular women don't have to put up with these things, but it's worse when herpes and woman-beaters are an occupational hazard rather than just the risk inherent in fucking around for fun. As one of these British trollops noted, "I don't think that because somebody pays me to be there they can hit me in the face." Unfortunately in her case, Mohammed al-Sanussi disagreed.
Mohammed's trial started three weeks ago in Blackfriars court, and all was going well until both hookers mysteriously decided not to testify after all. One of the hoes explained that she was followed, and said she withdrew because she was "scared." In other words, Mohammed's daddy set some covert Libyan spies to intimidate her while she worked the track, and consequently, Mohammed gets to skate on these charges. Since he's the son of the HBIC of the Libyan spy network, and they are whores, he wins.
There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, I hate more than guys who abuse women and push them around and expect to get away with it because they can scare the women. I recently had a situation with this guy Ryan, a misogynistic, abusive stalker at work, and in spite of him using the same harassment-based tactics to threaten a number of other women in my department, he had never been formally complained about until I decided I could not let the matter rest because I was tired of being constantly anxious that he might pop up anytime in my lab, or at other grad school functions. Why was my complaint the first, you ask? Because he scares people. Nobody wanted to stick their necks out to ensure that he was reprimanded for his completely unacceptable behavior for fear that he'd go postal on them. This is a reasonable concern, because Ryan is an irrational, completely unstable, emotionally stunted individual who overcompensates for his pencil dick (which I know he has, because I've seen it) by shouting at, menacing, and otherwise intimidating his primarily female colleagues. He also refuses to take any responsibility for his actions, being of the "well, I wouldn't have done it if that stupid bitch didn't piss me off so much in the first place" school of excuses and dodging culpability.
I shared my colleagues' concerns about safety (and, for that matter, still do), but I would rather be afraid after having done something about it than afraid that he'd be able to do it over and over and over again because he's effective at bullying people into not taking any action to prevent it. I think he thought that with me, just like with all the other women, he'd be able to rely on his ability to frighten me into silence and continue going about his business. In my case, he was gravely mistaken. I will not be bullied, and even if it means I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, I at least have the assurance that now a formal complaint has been made, if he so much as glances menacingly in my direction, he'll be booted from school and I'll be able to secure a restraining order. I've realized, however, that I am not typical of abused women. Assholes like Mohammed and Ryan depend on the fact that most ladies will be cowed by even the specter of violence against them, and they are more likely to once they've been on the receiving end of it. They are pathetic, insecure losers who try to cover up their cowardice by dominating those who they think cannot fight back, and unfortunately they are right about that most of the time.
If Mohammed (or Ryan) ever had the poor sense to get physical with me, I'd gladly sleep with one eye open until they got the fucking justice they deserve. It is horribly unfair that motherfuckers get away with this because they are allowed to continue terrorizing their victims into submission, and I'll take one for the team and stand up against it. I wish that in Mohammed's case, these poor hookers were able to do the same, but I understand why they could not. Life is unfair.
Labels: assholes, crime and punishment, Daily Douchebag, grad school bullshit, oh the horror, overcompensation, sexual assault
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