Monday, August 04, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Irukandji jellyfish
DOB: who knows when they evolved, but they were first documented in 1952
Occupation: stinging the fuck out of Australian tourists and inhibiting production of shitty romantic comedies
Hometown: the ocean off of Cairns, Queensland, Australia
Current residence: a special place in my heart
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: I was just reading an article about how jellyfish swarms have been screwing with popular swimming beaches, and how this is a sign that the oceans are in distress. While I yawned at the article's implications that jellyfish are yet another harbinger of certain ecological doom (as are any biological anomalies in this age of Al Gore-facilitated Chicken Little paranoia), I did notice a mention of the "rare but deadly Irukandji jellyfish." I had never heard of this jellyfish before, and decided to investigate further.
Since phylum Cnidaria (and, for that matter, anything else big enough to be seen without the aid of an electron microscope) isn't within my realm of professional expertise as a virologist and I am unfamiliar with any scientific review journals addressing the topic of lethal jellyfish, I asked Wikipedia for the details. Although the article was short, it did tell me that Irukandji jellyfish are tiny, potently venomous, especially dangerous because they have stingers on their bell as well as their tentacles, cause a whole host of life-threatening symptoms, and I don't have to worry about them unless I go to Australia. What I was most interested in was the "Irukandji jellyfish in pop culture" section of the entry.
Specifically, I was interested in the following bullet point:
This jellyfish was the cause for the delay in filming for a Hollywood film, Fool's Gold, starring Kate Hudson. Filming was taking place in Queensland, Australia, when the jellyfish was spotted, and a marine biologist was called in to assist.
If only a marine biologist hadn't been handy. I dream of the day that Kate Hudson (and her co-star Matthew McConaughey) will cease and desist making movies that seem to be solely designed to piss me off. I haven't seen Fool's Gold, but I have written not one but TWO separate posts condemning this film anyway. Fool's Gold hits it out of the park in terms of things I will assuredly loathe. It contains bitchy, sex-starved prudish women, hippies, lame sex scenes between the aforementioned, absurdly historically inaccurate treasure hunts, marital bickering, and poorly written, timed, and executed jokes about all of the above. I don't need to see Fool's Gold to know that this film was a waste of everything: money, time, tasty craft services food that could be used to feed better actors in a better movie, viewer's patience and sanity, etc. I think that tonight I will dream pleasant dreams about Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey sinking into the Australian seas after being stung everywhere by small yet lethal Irukandji jellyfish.
I can only hope that, thanks to global warming and the general declining health of the oceans, that if Hollywood is arrogant enough to greenlight Fool's Gold 2, the proliferating Irukandji jellyfish makes them pay for their hubris.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, movies, sexy delicious animals
Friday, June 06, 2008
A good omen on the nutria tip
I've refused to mitigate my determination to taste nutria, the semi-acquatic swamp rat that has invaded the bayous, on my trip to visit LL Cool Jew in New Orleans this weekend. I've even contemplated tracking down the elderly Cajun trapper shown bludgeoning a nutria (nutrium?) to death with a stick prior to stewing it for Andrew Zimmern on "Bizarre Foods" in order to slake my nutria lust. I even corresponded with Razzyphile who is a current Smith bitch and Jordan House resident about stalking the nutria in her Lafayette, Louisiana city park with a club and a stew pot. Yesterday LL Cool Jew and I had a strategery session about how, short of actually going on a nutria hunt, we might get some through sheer guile.
LL Cool Jew: dude i don't think we will be able to eat any nutria
LL Cool Jew: i wonder if we'll even be able to see any?
LL Cool Jew:what we can try is this, even though it makes me somewhat embarrassed
LL Cool Jew: ask at the best stop near lafayette when we swing by for rgular jerky
Razzy: YES
Razzy: let's ask around
Razzy: we won't be offensive!
LL Cool Jew: we're going to have to work on our spiel
LL Cool Jew: maybe do some role playing on the drive over
Razzy: i'll say that i saw it on tv and it looked good
Razzy: nothing patronizing about that
LL Cool Jew: true
Razzy: i won't say i saw it on "bizarre foods"
LL Cool Jew: andrew zimmern can make lots of things look good
Razzy:: i'll just say it was "a food show"
LL Cool Jew: they will probably know which one
LL Cool Jew: it's OK, the show celebrates the foods
Razzy: well true
Razzy: i won't make it seem like i'm some city bitch looking to patronize the country folks
Razzy: by eating their swamp rats
LL Cool Jew: yes.
LL Cool Jew: we have to be shy and self-deprecating when we ask
LL Cool Jew: and precede it with a lot of hemming and hawing about "i know this is a strange question..."
LL Cool Jew: "i'm not sure whether you might be able to help me but..."
LL Cool Jew: don't want ppl to be like - "do i LOOK like someone who eats R.O.U.S.s?"
Well, it turns out we may not even have to go to the country for our Dorito-toothed rodent fix. LL Cool Jew e-mailed me an article from today's Times-Picayune detailing a nutria problem severe enough to warrant a SWAT team that has exploded in the suburbs of New Orleans.
Nutria under the gun on the 17th Street CanalI think this bodes well for our nutria-acquiring mission. If there's an excess of freshly shot nutria laying around New Orleans, there's a chance that the fancy "country chic" restaurant LL Cool Jew is taking me to tomorrow night might have a nutria special on the menu! As early as tomorrow we might be dining on nutria etouffee. Score!
Posted by Andrew Vanacore June 05, 2008 11:02PM
A Jefferson Parish SWAT team has been called in to defend the 17th Street Canal.
The threat? Nutria, the orange-toothed rodents that eat through marshlands and levees, among other offenses. Officials say their numbers around the canal have jumped in the last year and a half, damaging levees."They've not only damaged the intake pipes but burrowed into holes along the canal," said Chief Bob Garner of the East Jefferson Levee District Police.
Inspections around the 17th Street Canal began turning up signs of nutria about a year and a half ago, said Danny Abadie, superintendent of operations for the East Jefferson Levee District Maintenance Department.
"We've seen a bunch of these critters out there," Abadie said. "They're eating at the base of the grasses," which can lead to soil erosion.
Over time, that erosion can add up. When Jefferson Parish officials first recognized the nutria epidemic in 1994, they estimated it had already caused $6 million to $8 million in damage.
Jefferson Parish SWAT teams have targeted the rodents along drainage canals for more than a decade.
Their ever-burgeoning numbers and destructive eating habits have left the nutria with few friends - even among animal rights groups.
Garner said he asked the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office to deploy the SWAT team as a favor.
SWAT members will stalk the rats with rifles in the wee hours, They plan to start as early as today. Garner said the operation could last weeks.
Still an open question is whether SWAT members will have jurisdiction to go after nutria on the Orleans Parish side of the canal.
Garner said East Jefferson officials have focused on the Jefferson side. But he couldn't say whether sharpshooters would hold their fire if they spot pests across the water.
"For the time being, we're only concerned with those that are on our side," Garner said. "If that problem arises, we'll deal with it."
Labels: Dirrty Dirrty, gluttony, LL Cool Jew, sexy delicious animals
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Sterling Fryou
RAZZY Note: this is not actually Sterling Fryou, but some other random nutria trapper I found a picture of on the internets. Despite his status as a local parish board member and world-famous bayou critter trapper, Sterling Fryou's handsome grizzled visage is nowhere on the internets I could find. A shame!
DOB: ???-the late 1930s? He's old.
Occupation: nutria trapper
Hometown: Morgan City, Louisiana
Current residence: Morgan City, Louisiana
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: LL Cool Jew and I have taken our nutria obsession to a whole new level: specifically, stalking elderly Cajun nutria trappers on the internets. I swear that when I get down to Louisiana, we are going to eat nutria if we have to trap one ourselves. I even took out an ad on Lafayette, Louisiana's Craigslist searching for nutria jerky, and thus far have gotten no responses. I am getting very frustrated by this.
Razzy: btw, still no hits on craigslist re: the nutria query :(
LL Cool Jew: GUH
Razzy: who knew this shit was so hard to get?
Razzy: i thought there were nutria everywhere!
LL Cool Jew: well here's the thing
LL Cool Jew: i guess people trap and eat
LL Cool Jew: there's not like, a nutria processing plant or anything.
Razzy: the idea of us trapping one is hilarious
Razzy: i'm imagining us traipsing around the bayou
Razzy: you trying to walk in a pair of five-inch heels
Razzy: me freaking out about spiders
LL Cool Jew: no no
LL Cool Jew: i'll be in flip flops for shizzle
Razzy: i don't even know how to "trap" anything
Razzy: the only thing i know about it
Razzy: is that in wa state
Razzy: there are always voter initiatives to "ban cruel traps"
Razzy: i'm all for cruel traps if they lead to nutria consumption!
LL Cool Jew: well if you watch andrew zimmern tonight
LL Cool Jew: you will see that trapping nutria involves a pirogue and a baseball bat
Razzy: right
Razzy: we'd have no problem picking up a louisville slugger
Razzy: but i'm betting you don't have a pirogue at your disposal
LL Cool Jew: you'd be right about that
LL Cool Jew: they are fast and tricksy though
LL Cool Jew: maybe if we played them the bongo bong song...
LL Cool Jew was determined that I should watch the part of "Bizarre Foods" where Andrew Zimmern, big New York queen that he is, goes nutria trapping. That night, she texted "nutria time!" to remind me that it was on right after "Deadliest Catch." I flipped over to the Travel Channel to see Andrew Zimmern getting into a boat with an old Cajun named Sterling Fryou and heading off the nutria trapping grounds. Sterling explains how you need to set nutria traps on the nutria game trails (identifiable because the nutria destroy all vegetation in their path), then hit them on the head with a large stick called "the eliminator." Then Sterling gutted the nutria, brought it back to his trapping shack, and cooked it with some squirrel for Andrew Zimmern, who pronounced it "lean, and not swampy at all."
Razzy: Sterling fryouRazzy: 2 bad u dont have a pirogueLL Cool Jew: or an eliminatorLL Cool Jew: we need 2 contact sterling fryouRazzy: Want nutria!Razzy: Nutriatritious. Bongo bongLL Cool Jew: lean. not swampyLL Cool Jew: hit im in th headRazzy: Must contact fryouLL Cool Jew: sterling is awsm. turduckens up next.Razzy: Im goin 2 bed so i can b fresh 4 the sterling fryou hunt tomorrow
I didn't even need to conduct the Sterling Fryou hunt, since LL Cool Jew got on the internets and discovered that he is a eucharistic minister at St. Andrew's Catholic Church in Amelia, Louisiana. She e-mailed me excitedly:
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)From: LL Cool Jew (llcooljew@dirrtydirrtyhumanitiesgrantgivers.org)http://standrewcentral.org/ministers_schedule.html
The website of St. Andrews Parish Church in Amelia, Louisiana lists the following in its Eucharistic Ministers rotation:
Ministers
Lenwood & Lula Gaduet 631-2315
Joy Gaudet 631-2419
Sterling Fryou 631-2792
Pooch Clements 631-2598
Carol Leger 631-2602
Gilday Gaudet 631-2419
Jeffery & Celeste Pennison 631-9325
Tracy Duval 631-2589
Trevor Benoit 631-0882
Kathy Acosta 631-0887
Teresa Theriot 631-9440
Dianne McAllister 631-2309
Peggy Clements 631-2271
Maybe if Sterling can't help us, Pooch Clements might be able to hook it up.
So now that we've tracked down Sterling Fryou's math, I think it's only a matter of time before I can persuade him to eliminate some nutria on our behalf and stew it for us Cajun-style in his outdoor cooking shack. Or if he's too busy to do that, maybe he can just hook us up with some jerky.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Dirrty Dirrty, gluttony, LL Cool Jew, sexy delicious animals
Friday, May 23, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: nutria
Aliases: nutria, coypus
DOB: entered fossil record during the Pliocene; introduced to Louisiana in 1930
Hometown: temperate South America
Current residence: various places in Europe, South America, Asia, Maryland, Louisiana, and the Columbia River basin
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: When I made plans to go visit my friend LL Cool Jew in New Orleans next month, she was regaling me with tales of the turtle soup we're going to eat, and the swamp tours we're taking, and the plantations we're going to, and somehow the topic of nutria came up.
"What's nutria, precious, eh?" I asked her.
She advised me that nutria is a type of beaver-sized swamp rat with big orange teeth that was imported to Louisiana from South America as an inexpensive food source for the cajuns of the bayou. Unfortunately, nutria never really caught on as a dinner meat except for a few places in Louisiana where some rural folks hunt it. It's greatest success at being incorporated into the mainstream Louisiana diet is probably its use as a beef substitute on sloppy joe day in the Louisiana public school system. I'm not sure if that's on the statewide elementary school lunch menu, but (LA native) Motherbucker told me it was a favorite in Alexandria where she came up. I guess the nutria population in southwest Washington state isn't as prolific, because I never heard of nutria being served to anyone. In fact, I hadn't even heard of nutria at all. Even more unfortunately, nutria have proven to be a wetland-destroying menace thanks to their burrowing and ravenous appetites for vegetation.
To battle the nutria problem, the people of Louisiana have tried all sorts of things. Currently the Louisiana Department of Wildlife and Fisheries offers a bounty on nutria, and is also strongly pushing nutria as the meat of the future. Their website shares recipes for dishes like "heart healthy crock pot nutria," smoked nutria and andouille sausage gumbo, Enola's smothered nutria, and stuffed nutria hindquarters. After hearing about all this, I became extremely curious about trying nutria.
The last time I was home in the P-N-Dub, I was hanging out with my buddy HotLawyer and switching back and forth between the Mariners game and various food and travel shows. After I told HotLawyer what kind of dick vibes all the Mariners and the entire Oakland bullpen were sporting and speculated on which food show hosts were big sluts (Giada de Laurentiis being Queen Skank of Slag Mountain), we settled on watching the Gulf Coast episode of "Bizarre Foods." Unfortunately we switched back to baseball during the nutria-eating part, but just seeing the fat homo who hosts that show eating bear, possum, and chitlins, I became even more dead-set on popping my nutria-eating cherry.
Upon realizing my strong interest in nutria, LL Cool Jew has taken it upon herself to fill me in on any and all nutria information she comes across. She just finished taking a class about Louisiana history (since she works for some Louisiana historical society or something), and there was some discussion of nutria. However, it became apparent that, in terms of nutria being an accepted part of Louisiana culture, it's got a way to go. You can't just walk into any restaurant and order some nutria jambalaya; if you want nutria, you have to get out and trap it yourself. Since the idea of LL Cool Jew and myself traipsing around the bayou trying to set nutria-catching snares is nothing short of hilarious, we have been trying in vain trying to get a nutria hook-up. It seems our best bet will be to find someone who makes nutria jerky and beg them for some. I'm already having fantasies of eating nutria jerky on our way to tour the Britney Spears museum, and I was hoping that LL Cool Jew's Louisiana class would prove a boon to our nutria-acquiring efforts.
Razzy: oh congrats on getting an A in your herstory klass
LL Cool Jew: :D :D :D
Razzy: like you would have gotten anything less
LL Cool Jew: WOOHOO
Razzy: i'm sure it was your presentation about the jewish rice tycoon that secured your top grade
LL Cool Jew: :D
LL Cool Jew: you better believe it
Razzy: the only thing that concerns me
Razzy: is that maybe you didn't work the louisiana history community hard enough for nutria jerky connections
LL Cool Jew: all those people were from the Greatner NO area
LL Cool Jew: they aint got no nutria connex
Razzy: we gots to find some of those
Razzy: i've become almost pathologically obsessed with the idea of consuming nutria
So if any of you know somewhere we can get some pre-trapped and killed (and preferably jerkified) nutria, holler at your girl. In the meantime, here is the greatest nutria video on YouTube. I think the music of Manu Chao was made to be the soundtrack for videos of nutria being nutria, or as LL Cool Jew put it, "it's an awesome nutria jam."
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, Dirrty Dirrty, gluttony, LL Cool Jew, sexy delicious animals
Friday, May 09, 2008
Daily Douchebag: salad
DOB: N/A
Occupation: causing me gastrointestinal distress
Hometown: the produce department at Gristede's
Current residence: causing gastrointestinal distress
Douchebaggery: My carnivorous appetites are well-known. I don't like eating anything that didn't at one point have a face. I would rather eat meat than anything else. In keeping with this, I don't care much for vegetables. Sure, I like some mushrooms sauteed on my steak, or some mashed potatoes beside it, or some creamed spinach on the plate next to it, but you won't often see me sit down to a big bowl of green stuff and eat it with gusto.
For whatever reason, the last couple nights I made an exception. My friend Neo made dinner for me Wednesday night, and she served salad. I actually liked it. Last night I was at the grocery store, and decided that I still was in the mood for some salad (with my pepperoni pizza). So I bought some vegetables and ate a little salad. I was shocked to realize that I enjoyed it enough to want seconds.
A little while after I ate, I was taking the dogs for an evening stroll around the hood, when I suddenly realized that a salad binge was a very, very bad idea. Another thing about me that's almost as well known as my general anti-vegetable stance is that, perhaps as a consequence of my protein-heavy diet, I only shit every three days. Sorry to spoil anyone's image of me as an elegant and refined lady, but this is just how I'm built. I've been on a semiweekly shitting schedule for as long as I can remember. In fact, this has been going on so long that when I moved into my first apartment, my parents brought me a plunger as a housewarming gift. When I'm deciding on a place to live, one of the first features I check is the strength of the toilet's flush. I am the kind of girl who likes my toilets like I like my men: easygoing, powerful, and equipped with adequate girth in the right places. Eating too many fresh vegetables disrupts this three-day routine, sometimes with disastrous results.
As I was walking the dogs, my stomach started rumbling ominously. "Uh oh," I thought. I knew that I was going to have to cut this walk short. Unfortunately, Caesar was having a similar problem to myself. He is an incorrigible grass eater. I used to think that dogs only ate grass when they were trying to make themselves puke, but Caesar seems to just like grass. Sometimes when we're at the park, he just walks around grazing like a damn horse. If he overdoes it, he ends up copping a squat every five feet. While last night I could relate, I was not amused, since unlike Caese, I can't just drop trou and take care of business in a bank of shrubs by my park. When we finally got to the homestretch, I was practically running. Luckily I made it back to my apartment in the nick of time, but this just confirms for me what I already knew: there's a reason why I don't like vegetables, and this is it. From now on, I am back to my healthy diet of all animal products. Fuck salad.
Labels: Daily Douchebag, gluttony, gross, sexy delicious animals
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Upper East Side honeybees
DOB: the early Pleistocene
Occupation: swarming, making honey, homesteading on choice real estate
Hometown: eastern tropical Africa
Current residence: East 75th Street and Second Avenue, New York, New York
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: Today's issue of the greatest paper in the history of print journalism (otherwise known as the New York Post) features an article ("UPPER EAST HIVE: Bee-Listers All Swarm 2nd Ave.") about a swarm of bees that tried to establish a hive in a newspaper box on the Upper East Side. The city had to call in a beekeeper from the Bronx Zoo to remove the bees after "frantic calls to 311 began pouring in."
These bees are true New Yorkers. I have been hearing an increased amount of bitching and moaning about how bees are dying in droves thanks to global warming and pollution, but not these bees. These bees said "fuck you" to that and moved to a fancy neighborhood, pollution be damned. I admire these bees for not only surviving in the urban jungle, but for their taste in fancy neighborhoods. They are some hot-ass bees.
Another thing I like personally concerning these bees is that they moved literally onto the same street where my lesbian apprentice Twathopper lives. I'm interpreting the fact that a bunch of bees in a mating swarm moved to a newspaper box in Twathopper's neck of the woods as an omen that she's finally going to dip into a honey hole of her own. With any luck, her new apian neighbors signify that Twathopper is going to follow their box-dwelling lead.
Labels: Daily Dude I Want to Hit, lezbollah, NYC, sexy delicious animals, Twathopper
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Jenna Jameson
DOB: April 9, 1974
Occupation: media whore, ex-porn whore, animal rights activist
Hometown: Las Vegas, Nevada
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: It's bad enough that Jenna Jameson has decided to follow up her epic triumphs in pornography with an excess of cut-rate plastic surgery, a severe case of anorexia nervosa, and a seemingly endless reserve of energy for attending events (runway shows for designers I've never heard of, cell phone accessory launch parties, etc.) where her grim visage might be more readily photographed commiting shameless crimes of PDA with ugly neckless ultimate fighters. Now, to make me REALLY hate her, she has gone and done an ad campaign for PETA.
Doing an ad for PETA is the quickest way to garner my everlasting disdain. I've gone off previously on this regarding Shirley Manson from Garbage, some dumb singer girl named Nellie McKay who made an obnoxious video for a crappy song busting on Columbia, and Girl Next Door #1 Holly (and for those of you who have been demanding Razzy vadge pics, read that last posting!). I hate PETA because they're overbearing, totally hypocritical, dog-killing assholes. Seriously, PETA claims that "animals are not ours to eat, wear, experiment on, or use for entertainment," but they're fine to dispose of when you're talking about dogs brought to their shelters. PETA vehemently opposes no-kill shelters and euthanize the majority of cats and dogs brought to their "rescue" facilities. In 2005, they euthanized 88% of the unclaimed pets in their care. Once they "saved" 18 rabbits and 14 roosters from a research facility and euthanized them because they didn't have the money to maintain them. So...it's not okay to perform potentially valuable medical research on these animals, but it IS okay to kill them and throw them away? That makes sense. Apparently, killing animals is only acceptable to PETA when you have to meet your budget's bottom line, and get absolutely no benefit whatsoever from that animal's life. I hate HATE HATE PETA, so now that goes for Jenna Jameson, as well.
Even worse, PETA, in all its insufferable wisdom, decided to dress Jenna up as Bettie Page, who is undoubtedly vomiting into her strained prunes at whatever old folks' home she currently resides. Surely the legendary pinup icon doesn't appreciate being emulated in a costume cobbled together with a patent pleather bikini from the clearance bin at Fantasy World and a busted wig from Ricky's. Jenna looks a hell of a lot more like she should be wearing a cloak and ferrying recently departed souls across the river Styx than posing for softcore 50s-era S&M erotica. Way to go, PETA. I'm sure leather futures are plummeting as we speak.
This makes me want to go eat a steak, put on one of my many luxurious fur coats, and kill some mice in the name of virology.
Labels: assholes, celebrities, gross, oh the horror, overcompensation, plastic surgery, porn, sexy delicious animals, you're ugly
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
A gaggle of CHONGAY!s
You know how sometimes, when you're just about to wake up, you incorporate things from reality into the tail end of whatever dream you're having? This usually happens to me when my alarm starts going off, and I that horrible REE!-REE!-REE! alarm sound finds its way into my dream as a fire alarm or air raid siren or some other similarly disquieting noise, until I finally wake up and realize that it's something even more horrible: time to wake up. Well, this happened to me this morning, except I actually was jarred from slumber before my alarm went off. I dreamed I was gazing out my window in lab (dreaming about lab is a nightmare in itself) at saw flocks of Canadian geese practically blocking out the sun.
While some people might think that dreaming of migrating birds is pleasant, this was just as bad as amalgamating my clock radio with my sleeping subconscious. For starters, I'm from the P-N-Dub, and Canadian geese are as bad as fucking roaches. They're even meaner and more vicious than regular geese, and they shit EVERYWHERE. The Canadian geese situation is so severe in the P-N-Dub that there are literally Canadian goose death squads which go out with shotguns to thin the population enough to prevent them from taking over every golf course and public park in the entire Pacific Northwest. Generally, geese, swans, and other long-necked fowl in general are assholes. They honk and bite and will fuck you up if you get too close to them. Seeing the sky filled with geese reminds me more of a scene from The Birds than a pleasant experience. Furthermore, this dream reminded me of taking vertebrate biology in college. We were given several assignments to go out birdwatching and identify the various birds we saw flying around the Smith campus. I found these exercises so unbelievably boring that I'd usually just get stoned, sit by the pond, and make up sightings of birds from the Birds of Western Massachusetts handout the professor gave us. There is no joy in straining one's neck looking for a bunch of dumb birds flapping around, laying eggs, regurgitating vomit into their chicks' mouths, and whatever else dumb birds do to occupy their time.
Anyway, I woke up from this half-asleep dream to realize the source of inspiration for this geese-clouded nightmare. Guess what it was? OF COURSE it was Chingy!, softly honking with each contented snore right in my ear. That little SOB was probably dreaming about eating homeless guy shit in the park or something else he considers relaxing and fun. Truly, if there's anything more starkly terrifying than a swarm of Canadian geese invading Washington Heights, it's this:
Canadian geese got nothin' next to Chingy! when it comes to being fucking assholes. If I ever look out my lab window and see a sight like this, I'll just pray that these winged Chingy!s land in New Jersey, because that flying V would be more destructive and deadly than the Cloverfield monster if unleashed in the city.
CHONGAY CHONG, sweet dreams and migratory birds!
Canadian geese got nothin' next to Chingy! when it comes to being fucking assholes. If I ever look out my lab window and see a sight like this, I'll just pray that these winged Chingy!s land in New Jersey, because that flying V would be more destructive and deadly than the Cloverfield monster if unleashed in the city.
CHONGAY CHONG, sweet dreams and migratory birds!
Labels: assholes, CHONGAY CHONG, doggity style, intentional buffoonery, NYC, oh the horror, sexy delicious animals
Friday, February 08, 2008
Daily Dude I Want to Hit: wild turkeys in St. Nicholas Park
DOB: ???
Occupation: waddling around, Pug-ilism
Hometown: New York, New York
Current residence: New York, New York
Why I Want to Hit that Hotness: This morning as I was walking the dogs in the park across the street from my apartment, I was spending most of my time and attention throwing sticks for Caesar as usual. Chingy! usually just wanders around pissing on stuff, so I generally devote my attention to ensuring that Caesar gets exercised properly.
However, today I was distracted from my stick-throwing by something very unusual: a loud flapping noise coupled with the sound of enraged gobbling. I turned around to see Chingy!, his little snaggle teeth bared, facing off with a pair of wild turkeys. Why there are wild turkeys running around in St. Nicholas Park in the middle of Harlem, I have no idea, but they were not fans of Chingy!. These turkeys were strutting around, puffing up their feathers, and finally flapped away angrily. I didn't realize that wild turkeys can fly--or at least flap around in the air for short distances--but I got to see a demonstration proving that they indeed can as they tried to get the fuck away from Chingy! as he put on a hilarious show of intimidation tactics. I have to give the turkeys props for tolerating his standoffish, completely ridiculous bullshit as long as they did.
CHONGAY CHONG, wild turkeys!
Labels: CHONGAY CHONG, Daily Dude I Want to Hit, doggity style, sexy delicious animals
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Daily Douchebag: Hayden Panettiere AGAIN
DOB: August 21, 1989
Occupation: actress, skank, obnoxious pro-whale zealot
Hometown: Palisades, New York
Current residence: getting her activist media ho on--anywhere there's an interview or someone with a camera and a YouTube account
Douchebaggery: A few months back, LL Cool Jew suggested that Hayden Panettiere get out of the whale-saving business and "get your ass to the Les Deux bathroom with your girlfriends, cell-phone-video yourselves shoving mounds of coke up your noses, flash your nana to the paparazzi, get arrested and entertain us like you’re supposed to" and/or "admit you’re a lesbian, because I know from experience that only honey-lovers dig on whales as much as you clearly do." Instead of heeding LL Cool Jew's wise words, Hayden decided to stick with her save-the-whales routine, and that's where shit got personal between the two of us.
If you read her sweatshirt closely in the above photograph, you'll notice that it instructs the reader to "boycott Japanese, Icelandic, and Norwegian goods." NORWEGIAN goods?! As in my ancestral fatherland? Are you kidding me, bitch? If you think I'm going to quit buying the occasional painted lefse stick or the odd Christmas tin of pickled herring, you are insane.
Being that my Nordic fatherland is kicking it somewhere in the neighborhood of the Arctic Circle, there aren't a lot of resources available. Whales are one of Scandinavia's few natural resources which can be exploited for commercial advantage, besides fucking reindeer, scratchy wool sweaters, and smoked fishes. So Hayden needs to mind her own business about Norway's fishing industry. They're just trying to make that money where they can. Yes, there's an international moratorium on whaling that Norway chooses to ignore, but it's not like Norwegian fisherman are causing their extinction. There has never been a huge market for whale meat in Norway, and Norway only kills somewhere around 500-1500 minke whales per year as part of a centuries-old whaling tradition, according to The Whaleman Foundation (Hayden's whale saving group of choice). Considering there are almost 200,000 minke whales swimming around the North Atlantic, and another 300,000-700,000 in the Southern hemisphere, it's not like they are going extinct from the efforts of a few random Norwegian fisherman catering to a specialty seafood market.
Furthermore, Norway has already sent several strongly worded letters of protest to the International Whaling Commission concerning the moratorium established on whaling in 1986. Norway has argued that although whaling isn't a big part of their economy, it is essential to the livelihood of some small farms and fisheries and is culturally important to coastal areas in northern Norway. Because Norway has rigorously tracked and monitored its minke whale population, they argue that it is sustainable, and although I am not a population biologist, this seems reasonable considering less than 1% of the world minke population is eliminated annually by whaling. It's not like this is 18th century Nantucket and every sperm whale in the ocean is finding itself on the business end of a harpoon; far more whales meet a natural death than one by whaleboat. Hayden needs to shut the fuck up and get back to licking random inanimate objects (ie: the Stanley Cup) and boning her overbearing 30-year-old costars, because those are the only matters she can speak of with any authority.
Hayden is especially annoying considering when she tried and failed to stop a traditional long-pole dolphin hunt in Japan a few months back, she was blubbering (pun intended) about how peaceful and cute all the soon-to-be-sushi dolphins were. She also reminded everyone that they are mammals, just like us. Well, last time I opened a book of Linnean taxonomy, the sheep that gave their lives for her hideous UGG boots were also in Order Mammalia. Rather than see her demanding we cease purchasing Australian exports on the grounds that they needlessly slaughter thousands of passive, cute, live birth-having, lactating sheep to make ugly surfer boots, Hayden just pulls on her sheepskins and lectures us about the whales with cozy feet. I guess since Hayden doesn't eat whale, it's more convenient to protest other cultures which might do so on a limited basis rather than ones that destroy thousands of innocent sheep.
She is lucky that this isn't the tenth century, because otherwise I'd settle this with her the Viking way. I'm not really sure what that is, but I would guess it means loading up a ship at Trondheim with my barbarian kinsmen and sailing up whatever fjord Hayden lives on to pillage and rape the shit out of those pikktrynes living in her village. Then we'd celebrate with a raging linje aquavit-fueled feast of minke whale. Man, I wish it was the tenth century.
Labels: celebrities, Daily Douchebag, media whores, sexy delicious animals, sluts, uff da
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Daily Douchebag: People who keep chickens in cities
DOB: various
Occupation: deciding that an urban environment is the appropriate place for poultry rearing
Current residence: Chicago, Illinois...apparently
Douchebaggery: I was reading through the news today, looking for a good candidate for douchebagging, when I came across an article entitled "Chicago considers chicken ban." At first I was like, "Fuck you, Chicago! Not even your blessing the world with Robert Sylvester Kelly's mackadelic nightspot realness can rectify your depriving your citizenry of delicious KFC!" I do love me some fried chicken. Then I read the article, and realized they weren't considering banning chicken as a tasty menu item, but as pets.
I have never understood why anyone would want to keep a chicken as a pet. They're mean, they peck, and they shit everywhere. It's not like you need them for food, since you can buy a plucked, cleaned, ready-to-roast chicken or eggs in any supermarket. In large cities like Chicago or New York, I find it even more unbelievable that anyone would want a chicken running around their apartment with all the mice and roaches. Granted, I realize I have two dogs, but they don't shit in the house (unless they're sick). And while I love cock, I wouldn't want one crowing incessantly at the asscrack of dawn every day, either. Usually that's the time of day that my cock should be giving me wake-up sex, followed by an inquiry about where the nearest subway is, because it's time to make like Michael Jackson and beat it. However, there are a lot of chicken lovers who disagree, thus causing the Chicago city council to take action and consider a chicken ban.
The chicken ban seems like a no-brainer, especially given the observation that chicken-keeping is associated with rodent infestations, as mice and rats like to eat chicken shit (gross). However, other cities don't seem to mind. According to the article, "[c]ities including Madison, Wis., and Kent, Wash., have passed ordinances allowing people to keep chickens." Well, if people in such cosmopolitan locales as KENT, WASHINGTON are doing it, then it must be a great idea. Kent is a city famous for its big hair, high John Birch Society enrollment, pull-tab bars, meth labs, Green River Killer victim dump sites, and proliferation of PWT driving IROC-Zs. I can see why Chicagoans would want to emulate such a place. I hooked up with this dude who lived in Kent one time, and apart from the fact that he was a clingy stalker who later molested me at a Tacoma bar after I dumped him (seriously, he stuck his hand up my skirt, I wasn't wearing any underwear, and thus occurred the first and last time I've ever slapped a dude across his bitch face for getting too fresh with me), when I finally managed to extract myself from the breakfast in bed he made me (ugh), one of his neighbors hollered at me that I should "swing by (his) place for round two." Needless to say, that got a resounding "SHA RIGHT" from me, along with a vow never to fuck anyone residing in Kent ever again. But I digress.
Whoever is fighting the proposed chicken ban in Chicago is a moron. If you want to own a chicken so bad, then move to the fucking country where you can spend your days mucking out henhouses and scattering feed and whatever the hell else is involved in chicken husbandry. Chicago needs to be a place known for its deep-dish pizza, inept quarterbacks, and playerette flirters, not its embracing of domestic fowl as pets. On the bright side, though, if the chicken ban is overturned, I predict some hilarious scenes involving chickens in the next installment of Robert Sylvester Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet." At least one good thing could come out of it.
Labels: Daily Douchebag, gross, politics, Robert Sylvester Kelly, sexy delicious animals
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Mutton Bustin'
Shockingly, this is not the title of some redneck porn. Not shockingly, this is apparently a sport that goes down every year at my hometown's annual claim to fame, the Puyallup Fair. A local country music station sponsors this fake bullriding competition to facilitate fairgoers better Doing the Puyallup, but to ensure that all the fat trailer trash and enfeebled meth addicts from the outlying areas aren't injured, they ride sheep instead...hence, the "mutton" in "Mutton Bustin'."
Thanks a lot, Puyallup Fair, for allowing this event and for letting some slag put up a clip of it on YouTube. As if my town doesn't already have enough of a bad reputation for doing cracker-type stuff, you have to actually sponsor an exhibit based on a sheep-riding theme. Given that our state's need for anti-bestiality legislation was apparently precipitated by activities going on in the greater Puyallup metropolitan area ("metropolitan"=used EXTREMELY loosely here), I don't think that offering the opportunity to mount a bucking sheep is helping people Do the Puyallup in any kind of wholesome way. You can do it at a trot, you can do it at a gallop, and you can do it to a sheep? Puyallup doesn't need its already dismal reputation concerning the prevalence of daffodils and criminal man-on-livestock sex brought further down by our eponymous Fair condoning bareback sheep rides. I'm totally writing a letter to the editor of the Tacoma News Tribune and the Pierce County Herald when I drop into the P-N-Dub next week. The good, non-animal-fucking people of Puyallup and unincorporated Pierce County will not have the name of our beloved Fair besmirched in such a vulgar and perverted manner. Down with Mutton Bustin'!
Thanks a lot, Puyallup Fair, for allowing this event and for letting some slag put up a clip of it on YouTube. As if my town doesn't already have enough of a bad reputation for doing cracker-type stuff, you have to actually sponsor an exhibit based on a sheep-riding theme. Given that our state's need for anti-bestiality legislation was apparently precipitated by activities going on in the greater Puyallup metropolitan area ("metropolitan"=used EXTREMELY loosely here), I don't think that offering the opportunity to mount a bucking sheep is helping people Do the Puyallup in any kind of wholesome way. You can do it at a trot, you can do it at a gallop, and you can do it to a sheep? Puyallup doesn't need its already dismal reputation concerning the prevalence of daffodils and criminal man-on-livestock sex brought further down by our eponymous Fair condoning bareback sheep rides. I'm totally writing a letter to the editor of the Tacoma News Tribune and the Pierce County Herald when I drop into the P-N-Dub next week. The good, non-animal-fucking people of Puyallup and unincorporated Pierce County will not have the name of our beloved Fair besmirched in such a vulgar and perverted manner. Down with Mutton Bustin'!
Labels: bestiality, gross, hilarious shit, P-N-Dub, PWT, ridiculous absurdity, sexy delicious animals
Friday, November 09, 2007
"Endangered" means the job isn't finished
I am currently so fucking sick that I feel like I should be living in those leper caves from Ben-Hur. Fortunately I'm not showing any symptoms of leprosy--or "Hansen's disease" as it's called now to mitigate the social stigma of "leprosy"--but I nonetheless feel like ass and I wouldn't get pissed if Jesus showed up to offer me some water or a quick cure. In the absence of my Lord and Savior, I am turning instead to DayQuil, but it only makes me feel marginally less shitty and also makes me slightly crazed. I attribute both illness and craziness to the fact that last night, I didn't feel like drinking at all. I had three beers in my fridge and I just sneered at them as I wolfed down my chicken noodle soup, drank some water, and went to bed at 10.
Anyway, to help facilitate my recovery, LL Cool Jew took over blogging responsibilities from me for today, thus allowing me to sleep in (until 7:30---so luxurious!). However, when I read her thing about Hayden Panettiere, I couldn't really stay completely silent today. The whole thing reminded me of how annoyed I get with endangered species. I mean, yeah, okay, it sucks if animals go extinct, but some endangered species are total assholes. Polar bears will straight maul and eat your ass to thank you for your conservation efforts. Talk about a bunch of fucking ingrates! If that's the attitude they're going to have, then I say fuck them! They'd make nice rugs for Lil' Kim to skankily crouch on.
Similarly, dolphins, who are ubiquitous enough in nature and at trashy resorts to be called "water dogs" by Chance from "I Love New York" while he tried to beat them away from New York's weave during their visit to "Playacar," Mexico, are more tourist attractions than anything else. I sincerely doubt that the odd Japanese fisherman spearing one with a long pole to make what is undoubtedly a delicious piece of cetacean sashimi is threatening their existence. Also, if my experience swimming with endangered sea creatures is any indication, they'd take a fucking bite out of your chunks at the first opportunity.
A couple years ago, LL Cool Jew, J-Sexy, Neo, and myself went to Belize for vacation. Belize has the second largest barrier reef in the world, so of course we went snorkeling to check out the local sea life. We had purchased underwater cameras to document the experience. Well, there were these turtles there that were endangered, and the snorkeling guide told us to avoid them. I had been told the same thing about the endangered turtles when I went scuba diving in Hawaii some years before, but those turtles were super friendly, and even if you tried to avoid them, they would swim up by you and you could pet them. I figured that when this turtle swam up to me in Belize, he just wanted to mug for the camera:
I should have known by that malevolent, determined expression on this turtle's face that he was actually in attack mode. He continued to swim at me aggressively, and I decided to turn tail and start swimming away. And do you know what that endangered asshole did? HE BIT ME IN THE ASS!
These unflattering pictures of me don't really do the bite justice. Within two days, I had a giant bruise that covered the whole of my ass cheek. It looked like I had suffered a serious spanking by a right-handed dominatrix. The guy running the snorkel boat told me I was lucky I hadn't lost a chunk of my ass. Apparently a tourist the week before had a piece taken out of his leg by one of these asshole turtles and had to be airlifted to a hospital for massive stitching and a blood transfusion. The reason for avoiding the turtles is not only their endangered status, but because they're haters who bite people and severely injure them for no good reason except to ruin some tropical vacations. The only reason I manage to save my (gorgeous) fat ass is that when the turtle bit down, I kicked it hard in the neck and it let go, enabling me to swim away. Luckily I could swim before I could ride a bike, and thus could outstrip that stupid asshole before he could get another beakful of my fine posterior.
No wonder they're endangered. They're fucking assholes! I was just swimming around, looking at the pretty fish and coral and whatnot, and this turtle bites me for taking its fucking picture. It's hard to feel bad about a species being threatened when they themselves are biting unwitting swimmers' asses unprovoked. I say chop that bitch up and stew it with some Japanese dolphin. Man, I bet that would make for a tasty soup. Good riddance, you bastard ass-biters.
Anyway, to help facilitate my recovery, LL Cool Jew took over blogging responsibilities from me for today, thus allowing me to sleep in (until 7:30---so luxurious!). However, when I read her thing about Hayden Panettiere, I couldn't really stay completely silent today. The whole thing reminded me of how annoyed I get with endangered species. I mean, yeah, okay, it sucks if animals go extinct, but some endangered species are total assholes. Polar bears will straight maul and eat your ass to thank you for your conservation efforts. Talk about a bunch of fucking ingrates! If that's the attitude they're going to have, then I say fuck them! They'd make nice rugs for Lil' Kim to skankily crouch on.
A couple years ago, LL Cool Jew, J-Sexy, Neo, and myself went to Belize for vacation. Belize has the second largest barrier reef in the world, so of course we went snorkeling to check out the local sea life. We had purchased underwater cameras to document the experience. Well, there were these turtles there that were endangered, and the snorkeling guide told us to avoid them. I had been told the same thing about the endangered turtles when I went scuba diving in Hawaii some years before, but those turtles were super friendly, and even if you tried to avoid them, they would swim up by you and you could pet them. I figured that when this turtle swam up to me in Belize, he just wanted to mug for the camera:
No wonder they're endangered. They're fucking assholes! I was just swimming around, looking at the pretty fish and coral and whatnot, and this turtle bites me for taking its fucking picture. It's hard to feel bad about a species being threatened when they themselves are biting unwitting swimmers' asses unprovoked. I say chop that bitch up and stew it with some Japanese dolphin. Man, I bet that would make for a tasty soup. Good riddance, you bastard ass-biters.
Labels: assholes, intentional buffoonery, sexy delicious animals
Daily Douchebag: Hayden Panettiere
DOB: Aug. 21, 1989
Occupation: Television actress, proto-cokewhore, outrageously young purveyor of environmentally moralizing condescension
Hometown: Palisades, New York
Current residence: Los Angeles, California
Douchebaggery: It’s bad enough that Hayden Panettiere isn’t really particularly cute. Sure, she just turned 18, but she’s got that disconcerting, blond-yet-vague-Jewess look to her, she has oddly short arms, and she always wears stubby, unflattering empire-waist dresses. I can’t care enough to watch “Heroes,” which I hear sucks this season. But my low-simmer distaste for Hayden Panettiere overboiled into full fledged disgust this week when her dumb, fugly, young ass got out there trying to keep Japanese fishermen from skewering them some delicious fishes (or marine mammals – whatever), and then got on camera to cry about it and scold Asians over their taste for blubber.
Really, Hayden Panettiere – really? Of all the earth’s scourges – of all the pestilence, hunger and despair – you want to call out exotic sushi as a major threat to our future? If dolphins are in so much trouble, how come they let me swim with some of them on my honeymoon? I don’t see a whole bunch of opportunities to cavort with endangered species like the manatee, Cerulean warbler, lynx, bald eagle, blue whale or snowy owl. Nobody’s offering hangouts with swift red foxes during their DisneyWorld vacation or giving chances to kick it intimately with gorillas on safari. But any stinking, chicken-pox-laden five-year-old can get his picture taken kissing a dolphin in Cancun. And aren’t we hearing all the time about how dolphins are smarter than humans or something? Well if that’s the case, surely the dolphins – yes, blond sniffles, even “the baby ones” – stand a good chance of outwitting an aged Japanese fisherman with nothing but a spear and a wooden kayak. As Razzy points out, there are only two dolphin species that are endangered – the Indus River dolphin of Pakistan and the Yellow River dolphin of China – and neither are ever threatened with Japanese Long Poles. Still, Hayden wants us to know that “these animals are being brutally and unnecessarily slaughtered – and who are we to say to they have less of a right to exist than we do?”
Ugh, Hayden, shut up! Get your ass to the Les Deux bathroom with your girlfriends, cell-phone-video yourselves shoving mounds of coke up your noses, flash your nana to the paparazzi, get arrested and entertain us like you’re supposed to! Either that or admit you’re a lesbian, because I know from experience that only honey-lovers dig on whales as much as you clearly do.
Labels: assholes, celebrities, Daily Douchebag, LL Cool Jew, retard rage, sexy delicious animals
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Nellie McKay
DOB: April 13, 1982
Occupation: introspective singer/songwriter, failed stand-up comedian, obnoxious PETA slag
Hometown: London, England
Current residence: New York, New York
Douchebaggery: Nellie is some retarded "anti-folk" singer who has decided to parlay her "fame" (used loosely because I'd never heard of this twat until a link atop my Gmail said "Nellie McKay explains why she despises Columbia University") into being an ignorant, self-righteous asshole. She wrote some song called "Columbia is Bleeding" about animal research going on at my hallowed institution of graduate study, and made this video featuring her in a cage trying to fire up college students about the fact that there are animals being "tortured" at Columbia. As much as I hate to publicize the video, I'm putting it here just so you can all see what a dumb bitch this cunt is:
If you paid attention to the lyrics, it's all about how Nellie thinks all the kids at Columbia are a bunch of ignorant, self-involved dicks too busy drinking their Teas Tea and playing sports to pay heed to the animals being "tortured" there. If this dumb bitch had any clue, she'd realize she filmed her video at the wrong campus. Most of the monkeys and shit are a little further uptown at the Medical Center campus where I work, not the Morningside campus where her ass crawled into a cage at the gate.
The people at PETA, who I hold in roughly the same esteem that I hold the Ku Klux Klan or the Church of Scientology, have decided to feature Nellie McKay as their new "celebrity" spokeswhore and released this typically condescending, overtly deceptive blurb about her activism:
We love Nellie McKay. How could we not? The girl is smart, she’s funny, and she’s a walking contradiction: The rave reviews thrown her way say that her music belongs in the smoky jazz clubs of the ’40s, but Nellie is only 19-years-old. She’s been a vegetarian since she was 8, but she hates vegetables. This tiny young woman with strawberry-blonde hair might seem pretty harmless, but she shows no remorse when attacking Columbia University officials for their abuse of primates.Since PETA apparently stretches the truth about her age (ho is 25, unless there's been some new math invented that makes the difference between 1982 and 2007 equal 19), I have no doubt they're stretching the truth about the "obscene cruelties" going on at Columbia. I bet this bitch can't even tell you what the purpose of the research is that subjects the poor chimps to the "abuses against humanity." I'd rather lock myself into a cage and let the apes perform unethical "heinous" experiments on me than suffer through a concert with not only her, but Alanis Morrissette and the Barenaked Ladies. That's a trifecta of misery and despair.
When asked about the cruel animal tests that Columbia routinely performs, Nellie quickly declares that the tests are “heinous” and an “assault against humanity.” Nellie also called Columbia’s animal laboratories “torture chambers” during the April 20 protest that she led for PETA in New York.
The hot new artist is so passionate about stopping the obscene cruelties that go on at Columbia University that she wrote a song about it. You can hear “Columbia is Bleeding” and see the music video right here at peta2.com. Then you can catch Nellie on tour with Alanis Morissette and Barenaked Ladies this summer.
I get really annoyed at these people who claim that routine animal research is torture. I don't work on primates, but I do animal studies at Columbia University, and there is just no way around it. All the protocols I follow have been rigorously critiqued and approved by a panel called the Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee (IACUC), which is comprised of scientists and members of the community. They ensure that I use procedures which are humane to my laboratory mice, and I personally ensure that in the course of my work, I treat the animals who give their lives for my doctoral thesis with compassion and care. I anesthetize them before I so much as give them a simple injection, and after I humanely sacrifice them by carbon dioxide asphyxiation, I dislocate their cervical vertebrae (AKA break their necks) them before I cut them open just to make sure they're dead and I'm not vivisecting them.
If you don't believe in animal research and you want to run around harping on ignorantly about your moral superiority over people who practice legitimate and beneficial scientific research for the benefit of humanity, then don't ever seek medical treatment ever again. No more antibiotics for that slut's urinary tract infections, no more Advil for her apparently chronic PMS, and no more Neosporin for minor cuts, because ALL OF THAT has been tested on animals, including primates. Drugs cannot be evaluated in human clinical trials without sufficient data in animals to indicate a certain measure of safety and efficacy, so if you are so staunchly against these egregious activities, then really you should abstain from reaping the medical benefits, lest you be a FUCKING HYPOCRITE. Or as PETA describes it, "a walking contradiction."
I'd also like to know why Columbia is always getting singled out as PETA's preferred target of outrage. It's not like NYU, Mount Sinai, Cornell, and Rockefeller aren't also conducting primate research in New York City. I assume that because Columbia is in the fabled Ivy League, it's more sexy from a media whoring perspective to accuse it of being a hotbed of cruelty. However, if Nellie really wanted to stop these flagrant wrongs against animal rights, she could spread her protesting around a little. In fact, I would suggest she start at the school she dropped out of before pursuing a failed career in stand-up comedy: the Manhattan School of Music. While they aren't conducting any scientific research on animals there to my knowledge, I can personally attest that they are constantly engaging in "abuse of primates": namely myself and LL Cool Jew and anyone else living around Broadway and LaSalle streets. Between the bacchanals of "Rent" showtune sing-alongs and the endless trill of operatic sopranos practicing their do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-dos at all hours of the day and night, LL Cool Jew and I were often in severe aural distress thanks to the nefarious activities of that sinister institution. It got to the point where, pleading, I'd stick my head out the window and shout, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" while LL Cool Jew would wail, "GO DO THAT AT YOUR SCHOOL, NOT INTO MY WINDOW!" It's a good thing Nellie McKay dropped out before we moved there, because I probably would have gone into a Michael Douglas in Falling Down-esque violent rampage if I had to listen to that bitch practicing the vocals to "Columbia is Bleeding" at all hours of the day and night.
I don't appreciate some snatch who lies about her age and quit music school only to suck monstrously on the open mic comedy circuit melodiously lecturing me about the quality or importance of my work, or that of any other scientist at my institution. She might have found the rigors of academic life boring (translation: bad grades, probably achieved via skipping music theory class to be a mouthy, haughty, patronizing cow), but I have devoted the better part of my life to it, and I'll be the first to call her out for not knowing what the fuck she is talking about. I find her chosen career just as loathsome as she does mine, but as much as I'd like to spend my time railing zealously about idiot indie musicians acting as preachy, self-appointed bossy know-it-alls, I have mice to kill as part of my job to advance medicine and benefit our society. PETA might characterize this bitch as "smart" because she parrots their inconsistent, sanctimonious, and unreasonable beliefs, but I'd be the first to say I'm smarter, and I invite Nellie McKay or any other fuckhead claiming they've cornered the market on ethics to personally face off with me. I've got a stack of degrees, a passion FOR animal research, and an exceptional command of the English language, which I use most deftly in situations of intellectual combat. Bring it, skank.
Oh, and just for fun, how's about some vintage photos of yours truly getting my animal torture on at Columbia?
Lick my mouse-killing ass, Nellie.
Labels: assholes, Daily Douchebag, LL Cool Jew, ranting, science, sexy delicious animals, sluts
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I've now officially gone black
...at least as far as my environmentalist leanings are concerned. This morning, I received the following e-mail:
From: Leila and Nadia (newsletter@11thhouraction.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: We Are the Generation that Gets to Change the World
Friend,
Each year awareness of the environmental problems our planet face grows. However, we are nowhere near the critical mass of awareness needed to create the change necessary to reverse the damage and begin restoring our planet's life systems.
We made "The 11th Hour" with Leonardo DiCaprio to raise awareness another degree so that we all begin to act. "The 11th Hour" opens this weekend August 17th in New York and Los Angeles. In the following weeks, it will open in cities across the United States. We now need your help!
We have worked with Evite and created a service that allows you to invite your friends, family, and co-workers to any specific show. Please check it out. Just as importantly, Evite has a carpool tool, so you can all pile into one car and begin the change we need on the way to see "The 11th Hour." If you have 25 people or more contact group sales here, and they will help arrange.
We are the generation that gets to change the world, it's an exciting time! Please see the movie and please join us.
Very Sincerely,
Nadia Conners
Leila Conners Petersen
Directors of The 11th Hour
www.11thhouraction.com
P.S. Check out more clips from the film on our nifty new video player .
*You have received this letter because you have expressed interest in our environmental action.
Be sure to add newsletter@11thhouraction.com to your address book list to ensure future email deliveries.
Enjoying this note? Please forward it on!
Um...NO I did not ever express interest in your or anyone else's environmental action. I don't recycle just to be an asshole (well, actually it's because there's no recycling in our building, but really, the bums who go through the trash sort out the recyclables for me...I've probably donated a small fortune in Heineken bottle deposits to them). I am not interested in environmental action, unless you're talking about having sex outside. Furthermore, like HELL I'm going to add your stupid e-mail to my address book so that I can ensure delivery of pompous, preachy activist-speak concerning whatever issues you're concerned about with regard to the planet's "life systems"...or as real scientists call them, ECOSYSTEMS, you ignorant tree-hugging fucks! I don't need you two twats or Leonardo Di Caprio, who has managed to parlay his career as a model-fucker and (I suspect) Martin Scorsese "poker buddy" into a side job as the most insufferable climate change crybaby this side of Al Gore to tell me that. And speaking of Mr. Gore, if these granola hybrid-drivers actually had a snowball's chance in Greenland after 200 more years of global warming of collecting the "critical mass of awareness" they strive for, maybe they'd try something besides his tired schtick of combining heavily massaged scientific findings with overbearing condescension. I mean, these morons actually included an entire paragraph consisting of explicit instuctions on how to use Evite, and then have the audacity to suggest that arranging carpools is tantamount to changing the world. Newsflash, jackasses: the dinosaurs were probably wiped out--at least in part--due to climate change, and there weren't any humans around then to blame (I guess that dinosaur-destroying meteor wasn't thinking green when it collided with the damn Yucatan peninsula). Climate change happens whether or not some sanctimonious liberal arts college graduate decides that it's humanity's fault and that she and her idiot sister have been appointed by Leonardo DiCaprio to alter that, so stop lecturing everybody about "awareness." We're all aware that climate change could theoretically screw us over royally as a species, but what exactly are we supposed to do to cool the fucking oceans down? Drive slightly less? Use the awesome power of Evite to arrange carpools to a fucking heavy-handed pompumentary? Go see a crappy movie? The last time I read Science (which was YESTERDAY), there is still no consensus on whether global warming is even a fucking problem in the scientific community, so lay off the "critical mass" and "change the world" rhetoric until the climatologists can figure out an agreeable and rational explanation for what's going on.
Obviously since I did not "enjoy this note," I did not forward it on. Since there were no instructions on how to "unsubscribe"--indicative of how truly self-righteous these bitches are, as they don't expect that anyone wouldn't want to receive kilobytes upon kilobytes of similar correspondence--I instead responded with an enjoyable note of my own:
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
To: Leila and Nadia (newsletter@11thhouraction.com)
Subject: We Are the Generation that Gets to Change the World!
Take me off this list, you prostitutes. I NEVER signed up to receive your mind-blowingly pretentious marketing e-mails, and I'm quite positive I never expressed any interest in being on such a mailing list. My only interest in the environment is harming the shit out of it and exploiting it like what. I'm going to make sure I leave all the lights and the air-conditioning on just to be an asshole today, in your honor. And when I go to the theater and DON'T see your poor man's "An Inconvenient Truth" propaganda film full of fictional scientastic gibberish about climate change, I'll make sure I drive a gas-guzzling SUV.
Go fuck yourselves, hippies.
Best wishes,
Razzy
It's not like I really hate the environment, but its advocates have got to be some of the most irritating people on the planet. I somehow suspect that they won't take me off their list just to be dicks about it (in fairness, they'd be justified in wanting to be dicks about it). They're a lot like the hypocrites over at PETA, who will do everything short of actually killing a human being to disrupt some type of standard animal-based practice. I actually don't have a problem with living a more eco-friendly lifestyle if it's not too inconvenient or expensive, but I don't need these sluts cluttering up my inbox and thinking they have some authority to talk down to me just because the bratty foster brother from "Growing Pains" decided to give them a damn job as Leni Riefenstahls for the green movement. Besides, I don't buy their credibility to make a case for the planet, since last time I checked, bras weren't endangering the planet and these bitches have nonetheless decided most unwisely to eschew them.
Saggy tits on the red carpet will never fill up the theater at your premiere, ladies. Good thing you have Pube 'Stache DiCaprio there with you to sex it up a SMIDGE, if you're into pretty boys, anyway (I'm not).
If they really wanted me to see this movie, they should have just sent me a copy of the poster. Based on this, The 11th Hour looks like it should be the most awesome SciFi original movie ever made, about alien giant construction workers and/or Timberland-wearing rappers getting their stomp on or something similarly asskicking, er, earthkicking. It would probably have Grant Show, Richard Grieco, or Casper Van Dien in it, and I'm sure it would own every other SciFi original movie in the past (even Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, and that's a tough one to beat):
Sadly, this poster is figurative, and merely implies that the entire movie will cover how badly we're fucking everything up and there's no hope for survival if we don't listen to a bunch of overzealous, bombastic, floppy-titted pedants and start using unbleached toilet paper and driving around in hybrid Prii (or is it Priae...how do you pluralize a fake Latin car name?). These hookers need to move back to Fern Gully and stay the fuck out of my inbox.
Anyway, I am NOT going to see The 11th Hour, and I strongly urge you all not to as well. Someone needs to take a stand against these high falutin' planet fanatics once and for all, and I'm happy to be that someone. From now on, I'm going to actively campaign against seeing such films, as well as promote NOT recycling, leaving the water running while you're brushing your teeth, driving Hummers, killing endangered species for their fur, eating rainforest beef, using aerosol propellants containing CFCs, disposing of my Freon-containing air conditioners improperly, and...shit, what else is bad for the earth? Oh yeah...and deforest the hell out of everything, Weyerhauser style! I won't stop until the planet is a smoldering ruin just to show these dumb fucktards the dire consequences of implying that I wanted environmentalist spam in my inbox. From now on when people tell me I should go green, I'll tell them that I've already gone black. And you know what they say about going black...you never go back. Too true.
From: Leila and Nadia (newsletter@11thhouraction.com)
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: We Are the Generation that Gets to Change the World
Friend,
Each year awareness of the environmental problems our planet face grows. However, we are nowhere near the critical mass of awareness needed to create the change necessary to reverse the damage and begin restoring our planet's life systems.
We made "The 11th Hour" with Leonardo DiCaprio to raise awareness another degree so that we all begin to act. "The 11th Hour" opens this weekend August 17th in New York and Los Angeles. In the following weeks, it will open in cities across the United States. We now need your help!
We have worked with Evite and created a service that allows you to invite your friends, family, and co-workers to any specific show. Please check it out. Just as importantly, Evite has a carpool tool, so you can all pile into one car and begin the change we need on the way to see "The 11th Hour." If you have 25 people or more contact group sales here, and they will help arrange.
We are the generation that gets to change the world, it's an exciting time! Please see the movie and please join us.
Very Sincerely,
Nadia Conners
Leila Conners Petersen
Directors of The 11th Hour
www.11thhouraction.com
P.S. Check out more clips from the film on our nifty new video player .
*You have received this letter because you have expressed interest in our environmental action.
Be sure to add newsletter@11thhouraction.com to your address book list to ensure future email deliveries.
Enjoying this note? Please forward it on!
Um...NO I did not ever express interest in your or anyone else's environmental action. I don't recycle just to be an asshole (well, actually it's because there's no recycling in our building, but really, the bums who go through the trash sort out the recyclables for me...I've probably donated a small fortune in Heineken bottle deposits to them). I am not interested in environmental action, unless you're talking about having sex outside. Furthermore, like HELL I'm going to add your stupid e-mail to my address book so that I can ensure delivery of pompous, preachy activist-speak concerning whatever issues you're concerned about with regard to the planet's "life systems"...or as real scientists call them, ECOSYSTEMS, you ignorant tree-hugging fucks! I don't need you two twats or Leonardo Di Caprio, who has managed to parlay his career as a model-fucker and (I suspect) Martin Scorsese "poker buddy" into a side job as the most insufferable climate change crybaby this side of Al Gore to tell me that. And speaking of Mr. Gore, if these granola hybrid-drivers actually had a snowball's chance in Greenland after 200 more years of global warming of collecting the "critical mass of awareness" they strive for, maybe they'd try something besides his tired schtick of combining heavily massaged scientific findings with overbearing condescension. I mean, these morons actually included an entire paragraph consisting of explicit instuctions on how to use Evite, and then have the audacity to suggest that arranging carpools is tantamount to changing the world. Newsflash, jackasses: the dinosaurs were probably wiped out--at least in part--due to climate change, and there weren't any humans around then to blame (I guess that dinosaur-destroying meteor wasn't thinking green when it collided with the damn Yucatan peninsula). Climate change happens whether or not some sanctimonious liberal arts college graduate decides that it's humanity's fault and that she and her idiot sister have been appointed by Leonardo DiCaprio to alter that, so stop lecturing everybody about "awareness." We're all aware that climate change could theoretically screw us over royally as a species, but what exactly are we supposed to do to cool the fucking oceans down? Drive slightly less? Use the awesome power of Evite to arrange carpools to a fucking heavy-handed pompumentary? Go see a crappy movie? The last time I read Science (which was YESTERDAY), there is still no consensus on whether global warming is even a fucking problem in the scientific community, so lay off the "critical mass" and "change the world" rhetoric until the climatologists can figure out an agreeable and rational explanation for what's going on.
Obviously since I did not "enjoy this note," I did not forward it on. Since there were no instructions on how to "unsubscribe"--indicative of how truly self-righteous these bitches are, as they don't expect that anyone wouldn't want to receive kilobytes upon kilobytes of similar correspondence--I instead responded with an enjoyable note of my own:
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
To: Leila and Nadia (newsletter@11thhouraction.com)
Subject: We Are the Generation that Gets to Change the World!
Take me off this list, you prostitutes. I NEVER signed up to receive your mind-blowingly pretentious marketing e-mails, and I'm quite positive I never expressed any interest in being on such a mailing list. My only interest in the environment is harming the shit out of it and exploiting it like what. I'm going to make sure I leave all the lights and the air-conditioning on just to be an asshole today, in your honor. And when I go to the theater and DON'T see your poor man's "An Inconvenient Truth" propaganda film full of fictional scientastic gibberish about climate change, I'll make sure I drive a gas-guzzling SUV.
Go fuck yourselves, hippies.
Best wishes,
Razzy
It's not like I really hate the environment, but its advocates have got to be some of the most irritating people on the planet. I somehow suspect that they won't take me off their list just to be dicks about it (in fairness, they'd be justified in wanting to be dicks about it). They're a lot like the hypocrites over at PETA, who will do everything short of actually killing a human being to disrupt some type of standard animal-based practice. I actually don't have a problem with living a more eco-friendly lifestyle if it's not too inconvenient or expensive, but I don't need these sluts cluttering up my inbox and thinking they have some authority to talk down to me just because the bratty foster brother from "Growing Pains" decided to give them a damn job as Leni Riefenstahls for the green movement. Besides, I don't buy their credibility to make a case for the planet, since last time I checked, bras weren't endangering the planet and these bitches have nonetheless decided most unwisely to eschew them.
If they really wanted me to see this movie, they should have just sent me a copy of the poster. Based on this, The 11th Hour looks like it should be the most awesome SciFi original movie ever made, about alien giant construction workers and/or Timberland-wearing rappers getting their stomp on or something similarly asskicking, er, earthkicking. It would probably have Grant Show, Richard Grieco, or Casper Van Dien in it, and I'm sure it would own every other SciFi original movie in the past (even Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, and that's a tough one to beat):
Anyway, I am NOT going to see The 11th Hour, and I strongly urge you all not to as well. Someone needs to take a stand against these high falutin' planet fanatics once and for all, and I'm happy to be that someone. From now on, I'm going to actively campaign against seeing such films, as well as promote NOT recycling, leaving the water running while you're brushing your teeth, driving Hummers, killing endangered species for their fur, eating rainforest beef, using aerosol propellants containing CFCs, disposing of my Freon-containing air conditioners improperly, and...shit, what else is bad for the earth? Oh yeah...and deforest the hell out of everything, Weyerhauser style! I won't stop until the planet is a smoldering ruin just to show these dumb fucktards the dire consequences of implying that I wanted environmentalist spam in my inbox. From now on when people tell me I should go green, I'll tell them that I've already gone black. And you know what they say about going black...you never go back. Too true.
Labels: assholes, celebrities, correspondence, fuck the planet, overcompensation, retard rage, scathing indictments, sexy delicious animals
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