Friday, July 13, 2007

 

Daily Dude I Want to Hit: Ian Ziering Steve Sanders


Name: Ian Ziering

DOB: March 30, 1964

Occupation: Actor, celebrity dancer, possible game show host, Corvette aficionado, the original adopted celebrity baby, president of the KEG house, managing editor of the Beverly Beat, class clown, sagacious wise man

Hometown: West Orange, New Jersey

Current Residence: He'll live forever in Beverly Hills, 90210!

Why I Want to Hit That Hotness: It's no secret that my favorite TV show of all time is the venerable and incomparable prime-time masterpiece of Aaron Spelling awesomeness known as "Beverly Hills, 90210", or as I call it, Bev Niner.

Of all the men on Bev Niner, Steve Sanders was always my favorite. Dylan was so tormented and spent entirely too much time alternately crying about his poor little rich boy situation and throwing bratty tantrums culminating in smashing potted plants outside the Bel Age Hotel. This juvenile bullshit couldn't even mitigate his occasional hotness, like when he'd go on a bender and hustle drug dealers at pool in the underground billiards club, or when he'd be(in the words of my friend JerseyGirl) "catchin' a badass wave." Brandon, meanwhile was such an insufferably self-righteous, hypocritical asshole that every time he'd make an appearance in his impeccably ironed Peach Pit uniform with heavily lacquered hair and a pencil tucked wholesomely behind his ear I'd want to turn off the TV. In addition to being the world's worst goody two shoes, he was hanging out with the heinously clothed and styled Andrea "Buzzkill" Zuckerman, and together they were constantly annoying everyone in earshot with a neverending buffet of extraordinarily patronizing activism, obnoxious unsolicited moralizing, and completely not-funny jokes about whatever the hell heavy-handed story about racism, alcoholism, anti-semitism, classism, or Donna's graduation prospects they were writing for the West Beverly Blaze that week. And don't get me started on David Silver. He went from ridiculous puffy sleeved epileptic seizure-inducing shirt-wearing dweeb to an overcompensating proto-Justin Timberlake. No...Steve Sanders was THE MAN.

He was hilarious, and always had a witty quip ready in spite of his reputation as a dumbass. Even when bad shit happened (finding out he was adopted, dumped hard by Kelly Taylor, being used for his money by cheap whores he picked up at the Peach Pit, having his Vette stolen by two hot chicks he stupidly lent the keys to, almost getting kicked out of West Bev for a legacy key-related scandal, almost getting kicked out of California University for a graduation prank scandal, getting to second base with a tranny in Palm Springs, getting wrongfully accused of rape by a vengeful scorned ex-girlfriend, being cuckolded by the deliciously evil Valerie Malone, knocking up his secretary), he'd grin and laugh it off. Steve was also a wise fool. He'd always give people such good advice (Donna don't be stupid, Kelly get your mother to rehab, Brandon dump Emily Valentine, Dylan learn some coping skills, Andrea quit dressing like a soccer mom, David quit hanging out with dorks like that kid who shot himself, Brenda shut up), and he was a fiercely loyal friend. At the Halloween party where Kelly almost gets date raped by a cowboy frat boy (who never gets out of cowboy character even as he's forcing a screaming Kelly onto the bed...he's like "well, shucks,that dress don't look like you're sayin' no to me, lil' darlin'"), Steve drags the motherfucker outside and punches him in the face when he says Kelly was asking for it by dressing like a slut. He knocks his rapist ass out, too! He also takes the blame for academic fraud and political scandal on MORE than one occasion to save Brandon's precious reputation, and prevents the sleazy John Sears from statutory raping a thirteen-year-old runaway in spite of almost getting booted from the KEG house for it. Steve was a man of impeccable character and moral fortitude, and I don't care if Dylan was hotter or whatever. Steve Sanders is the kind of guy I could marry. Or at least fuck more than once.

I know Ian Ziering is actually not synonymous with Steve Sanders, but I'll always think of him that way. That's why yesterday I got super excited when my friend Rack e-mailed to advise me that he's on the short list of dudes to replace Bob Barker on "The Price is Right!" Seriously, if that happens, I'm totally going to California to sit in the audience, pray that I'm invited to "come on down," and have my acumen concerning the retail price of things like Uncle Ben's instant rice, Kia Sportages, and ugly bedroom sets challenged. I'll be all, "I'm going to bid $15,001 on that showcase, Steve! I mean Ian!" while flashing him my best bedroom eyes.

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# posted by Razzy @ 1:33 PM 3 Comments Links to this post

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

 

Tango versus Chance

On last night's (totally awesome) finale of "I Love New York", Tango and Chance got into a big throwdown over some shit-talking Tango had been doing about Chance's rap group, the Stallionaires. In case you missed the dopeness that was last night's finale episode (in which I was not only totally wrong about Chance winning, but in which Tango actually PROPOSED to New York after he won), here's how they ruined dinner on their first night of vacation in what New York called "Playacar, Mexico" (actually Playa del Carmen, Mexico):

This fight got nasty. At one point, Tango stated, "I'm-a break you into two motherfuckin' pieces!", prompting Chance to insist that he'd "whip yo' ass Stallionaire style...him and his back-stabbin', fake fat mouth blabber ass ninja turtle lookin' fuckin' self."

I've said it before and I'll say it again: "I Love New York" is the BEST SHOW ON TV!!!

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# posted by Razzy @ 12:44 PM 1 Comments Links to this post

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