Monday, October 27, 2008
LOL terror
I just read some article about the latest in military intelligence. Specifically, the Army noted that terrorists can use Twitter to orchestrate attacks, if the terrorists Twitter each other about police movements and whatever other logistical details these jackasses need to pay attention to when suicide bombing things or doing other freedom-hating activities. In fact, it's not even your typical Islamic jihadists who might Twitter their way to striking a blow against us infidels. All sorts of nefarious groups could Twitter their way to a terror attack:
"Twitter has also become a social activism tool for socialists, human rights groups, communists, vegetarians, anarchists, religious communities, atheists, political enthusiasts, hacktivists and others to communicate with each other and to send messages to broader audiences," the report said.
I don't use Twitter, but I figured that if evildoers like vegetarians, human rights groups, and all these other hippie types are using it to strike fear in the hearts of freedom-loving Americans everywhere, they're probably using Facebook too. So I checked it out and what do you know? Sure enough, Osama bin Laden is on Facebook and we're both members of the "New York, NY" network! I believe it's really his page, because only a truly depraved, morally bankrupt individual like the mastermind behind 9/11 could speak so highly about "Everybody Loves Raymond."
Yes, "i blow up cars with people in it :P" sounds pretty bin Laden-ish to me. Granted, I don't speak Arabic but from what I've seen of those Al-Jazeera cave videos, bin Laden is always like "zomg usa sux LOLz" while waving around an assault rifle. Besides, it seems pretty reasonable to assume that if the terrorists are using Twitter, they've discovered Facebook. In fact, this is correct, and they're so into it that Al-Qaeda has started a Facebook group! And they have like 40 more members than MY Facebook group (which you should obviously should join immediately if you have not done so yet). That's not cool. I like to think that there are far more Razzyphiles out there than America-hating terror cells waiting to strike at my beloved USA! U! S! A!
I don't know why the U.S. Army is so hung up on the possibility of Twitter terror when it's already thriving on Facebook. If I were them, I'd get off my hypothetical ass and hit the terrorists where it really hurts: their online social network. If my friends' attitude toward Facebook is any indication, bin Laden will be in a state of extreme agitation and confusion if he can't check his news feed to see who all of his terrorist buddies are making Facebook friends with, SuperPoke Ayman al-Zawahri, plant something in his friends' "green patches," take a quiz to determine which "Sex and the City" character he most resembles, or change his status to "Osama bin Laden is wishing this cave got Showtime :(" or "Osama bin Laden is AHAHAHAHA you gluttonous infidels, the world economy is collapsing lolZ u westernized whores." Cut off his Facebook, and cut off his terror network. USA! U! S! A!
Labels: crime and punishment, Facebook, terror, United States of Asskickery
Thursday, September 11, 2008
HAPPY 9/11 EVERYBODY!!!!
Another 9/11 has come already?! Shit, and I forgot to hang stockings for Osama Bin Laden to fill with improvised explosive devices and box cutters when he drops down my chimney. Oh wait, wrong holiday. Oops.
Anyway, I tried to cobble together a festive 9/11 card for you all, and figured that there's not much that says "Fuck you, Al Qaeda!" than a reference to the current orgy of freedom known as ELECTION '08!!! Like all elections, this one is so far nothing but classy and honorable, with both candidates saying lovely things about each other. The latest demonstration of maturity and graciousness has been a debate over whether one candidate was just using an expression, or derisively calling the opposing team's vice presidential candidate a pig. I'm thinking it's probably just an expression, because if Obama REALLY wanted to insult Sarah Palin by comparing her to an animal, I can think of a worse one. So can LL Cool Jew, who Gchatted me this morning and wryly observed, "You can put lipstick on a pug, but it's still a pug."
Thus, in the spirit of the sophisticated American democratic process embodied by the current presidential race, Chingy! got all gussied up real faincy-like to wish you a blessed and joyous 9/11.
CHONGAY CHONG, 9/11! USA! U!S!A! U! S! A!
Labels: CHONGAY CHONG, doggity style, intentional buffoonery, politics, terror, United States of Asskickery
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Anthrax ROCKS
I received the following e-mail from a Razzyphile the other day:
Hey, Razzy
Thank you for the useless bullshit. You are definitely fulfilling a societal need.
I was hoping you could post about the anthrax dude who recently killed himself. You are an expert in the field and we razzyphiles would like to hear from you anything germane to our greater understanding of the entire incident.
PS great rack
I'm a recent law school grad but not admitted so I can't help legally yet.
I am always happy to accommodate requests to drop some science for an interested Razzyphile, particularly one who simultaneously compliments my tits, declares the demand for useless bullshit a "societal need," and might be able to potentially join my crack pro bono legal team of criminal defense and bankruptcy attorneys once he passes the bar exam. I'm also always especially happy to discuss this sexy Gram-positive spore-forming facultative anaerobe:
I've had a real scientific hard-on for Bacillus anthracis since I started studying microbiology. By all accounts, it's a hardy little survivor, which is what makes it a successful pathogen and a relatively efficient biological weapon. The above picture (which looks like a colored transmission electron micrograph) depicts B. anthracis in a state called vegetative growth, which is the type of growth most people imagine bacteria do in an Erlenmeyer flask or a petri dish of culture media. They divide by binary fission until they run out of nutrients or growth conditions become otherwise unfavorable. Most bacteria, like E. coli or Salmonella species, will proceed to die or at least stop dividing under conditions of nutrient deprivation, but B. anthracis can do something special. It can sporulate, meaning it changes into a dormant spore form, until it is again exposed to more favorable growth conditions. This is equivalent to watching TV and taking a nap on the couch when nothing good is on, to conserve your strength and attention for when something awesome like "I Love Money" or a rerun of Red Dawn merits waking up.
B. anthracis spores are extremely durable and can remain viable for decades in the soil, which is why livestock are most often afflicted with anthrax. The spores get from the earth into grazing animals' hair and basically hang out there. If they get into vulnerable areas of skin (via a cut or a mucosal surface like the eye), they germinate, and result in cutaneous anthrax. Generally the humans that get this are farmers, herders, slaughterhouse employees, and other people working with livestock. In both animals and humans, cutaneous anthrax presents as an ulcerating lesion that is usually pretty gross, but usually treatable with antibiotics and not fatal.
It's much more serious when the spores are inhaled and germinate in the lungs. Prior to the Cold War era of state-sponsored bioweapons programs, pulmonary anthrax was known as "Woolsorter's Disease," because it typically affected people who worked in places where animal hides were processed and resulted in high concentrations of airborne spores. However, when World War II came around, a number of countries (including the great U.S. of A., Great Britain, and the Soviet Union) decided to test the feasibility of using aerosolized anthrax spores as a biological weapon. They are naturally a great bioweapon because not only are the spores incredibly hardy, but pulmonary anthrax is not transmissible from person-to-person. Therefore, you can target an enemy efficiently without worrying about causing an epidemic. However, nobody ever used anthrax as a weapon in an actual war, partly because of the lasting effects. Gruinard Island, off the Scottish coast, was used by British scientists to test their anthrax bombs in the hopes of using them against Germany. They stopped developing anthrax as a weapon when they concluded that, while effective at killing their test sheep, the spores were so durable that they would render any German city attacked this way uninhabitable for years afterward. In fact, Gruinard Island was so heavily contaminated that it was quarantined for almost 50 years after these tests, until the Brits got sick of going back to test it all the time and bombed the whole place with 280 metric tons of formaldehyde.
The major world powers then signed a treaty in 1972 pledging not to develop new biological or chemical weapons. Apart from an incident in the Russian city of Sverdlovsk in 1979 when a number of factory workers across the street from a "vaccine plant" died from pulmonary anthrax (the Kremlin attributed the incident to contaminated meat, while Soviet defectors involved in the Soviet bioweapons program attributed it to a filter being left off an exhaust vent), no government has openly developed anthrax as a biological weapon. However, anthrax is still studied from both a basic research and a biodefense perspective, and there are certainly cultures of highly virulent B. anthracis growing in many research facilities all over the world.
For anyone with a basic knowledge of microbiological technique, weaponized anthrax is easy to make. In fact, if you can make homebrewed beer, you can make an anthrax weapon. Anthrax is not like Ebola virus, which is hard to get, harder to culture, and almost impossible to deliver to the intended targets. If you wanted to attack someone with Ebola, you'd have to go to Africa in the midst of an Ebola outbreak, somehow smuggle viable samples of virus through customs (and "samples" in this case would probably consist of bloody vomit or shit from an Ebola patient on ice), find a bunch of monkeys to covertly infect to grow more virus, and try to attack and inject infected tissues from these monkeys into my unfortunate victims since most strains of Ebola (at least the ones that infect humans) don't appear to be airborne. Since Ebola is a virus, it needs a host cell to grow in, and the virus particles alone are not stable for long at room temperature or when exposed to UV radiation (ie: sunlight). You can't just make some powdered Ebola and spray it all over people, and someone is bound to notice if you're running around attacking people with a syringe. There's about fifty ways that such a scheme would fail, and even if you somehow did manage to make some homegrown Ebola, it would be pretty fucking difficult to infect many people before your evil plot was discovered.
Anthrax is much easier to make. I could go dig up soil from a cow pasture in Oklahoma, culture anthrax bacilli from that, grow them in a fermentation tank which can be constructed from materials at my local hardware store, dry the culture, chop it into powder, and mail it to whoever I wanted. Even worse, pulmonary anthrax is usually deadly, because the initial symptoms aren't much different than a chest cold. Unlike other bacteria that cause pneumonia by growing to the point of taking over the lungs, pulmonary anthrax causes respiratory failure via a toxin the bacteria secrete. By the time it becomes apparent that a patient has pulmonary anthrax versus a more common respiratory pathogen, even getting rid of the bacteria with antibiotics doesn't get rid of the toxin, and then it's usually too late. Therefore, it's quite easy for someone with a rudimentary knowledge of microbiology to make a deadly, easily transportable terrorist weapon. Fortunately, most scientists (including myself) aren't looking to break into the bioterrorism business, and have serious ethical problems with biological weapons. Unfortunately, there are some who do not fit that description, which is where the recently suicide-d Dr. Bruce Ivins comes in.
In the wake of those anthrax mail attacks in 2001, the federal government obviously put a lot of effort into determining where that anthrax came from. Like people or any other living organism, anthrax from a lab is genetically distinct from anthrax in a podunk cow pasture somewhere, so the government was able to determine that it came from a virulent lab strain. In fact, it came from a strain that our own government uses to develop anthrax vaccines. That's why the government fucked up royally by running a colossally inept investigation of Dr. Steven Hatfill, the wrong anthrax scientist, who just collected a $5 million settlement from the federal government for the ruin it wrought on his career and his not-a-terrorist reputation.
As it turns out, it was more likely Dr. Bruce Ivins, who killed himself last week when he discovered that he was going to be indicted on capital murder charges for being the actual anthrax mailer. Dr. Ivins was involved in all sorts of sketchy activity, including renting post office boxes under assumed names, using his lab after-hours (although as a grad student, that seems like a perfectly normal workday in the slave labor culture of academic research), having a number of unreported anthrax spills, threatening to kill co-workers, frightening his shrink into getting a restraining order against him, and being strangely obsessed with the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority at Princeton. He was also apparently a loner and a dick.
While anyone has reason to be skeptical of the FBI's largely circumstantial case against the late Dr. Ivins given their total shitshow of an investigation into the now-exonerated Dr. Hatfill, I can state from personal experience that science has been known to harbor some disturbed people that remind me of Dr. Ivins. Without specifically referring to anyone in particular, a person with a need to dominate, threaten, and harass his colleagues, has a troublesome and obsessive relationship with women, does not respond to reprimands or psychological treatment, and takes no personal responsibility for his actions is not unprecedented in the field of microbiology. Unfortunately, these kinds of mentally unstable people can simultaneously be good enough at their jobs to get access to dangerous pathogens, and sometimes the underlying craziness isn't recognized until it's too late.
Even worse, this personality type can sometimes combine the monstrous need to kill innocent people via anthrax with a desire for personal gain. Because these people are Ph.D scientists, they are obviously intelligent, and can sometimes engineer a situation to benefit financially from their own reprehensible crimes. For example, a person might be able to get away with being a scary, abusive, potentially violent asshole by threatening lawsuits or otherwise manipulating the legal system to get what they want along with a substantial cash award. In Dr. Ivins's case, his numerous patent claims over anthrax vaccine technology would provide a significant financial motive to create a nationwide panic about attacks with weaponized anthrax. Currently, the anthrax vaccine approved for use in the U.S. is primarily reserved for military personnel and the odd first-responder. If everyone in the country suddenly became hysterical over the prospect of a large-scale anthrax attack, the demand for a vaccine would increase logarithmically. Dr. Ivins stood to make millions of dollars personally from this kind of nationwide terror, and that can only be icing on the cake for acting out on his reprehensible misanthropic impulses.
Now, many people are probably wondering whether or not they should be afraid of future anthrax attacks since it's so easy to grow and distribute as a lethal bioweapon. I would say no. Sure, the possibility exists. So does the possibility of a flu pandemic as serious as the Spanish flu of 1918 that killed as many as 100 million people by some estimations. So does the possibility of some terrorist getting their hands on one of the few poorly secured smallpox samples, of an airborne strain of Ebola emerging, of all bacteria developing multiple antibiotic resistance, and so on. The Russians alone have a whole arsenal of Cold War-era biological weapons that could be procured on the black market and released, but I'm not laying awake worrying about dying from a terrorist attack of weaponized Soviet tularemia or glanders. The microbiological world is full of nasty (and fascinating) pathogens, and there are plenty of nasty human beings who would gladly facilitate their assault on us. However, I find it more productive to worry about the infectious problems we already have to contend with than the ones that may or may not decimate our civilization. I think it's much more practical and sensible to worry about getting HIV when I have incautious drunk sex with a fellow New York City resident than to fret that there's a slight chance some lunatic spiked my cable bill with anthrax spores. Hell, I'm even more worried that I might get herpes! I dodged that bullet one time when I ALMOST had unprotected sex with a guy who then advised me that he had it (because he is a decent and ENTIRELY admirable human being), and 20% of adults have the herp. As a microbiologist, I'd advise you all to think more about the scourges we already face than the hypothetical ones that might be.
Labels: correspondence, crime and punishment, epidemic geekery, nerd alert, Razzyphiles, science, terror, viruses rule
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
R. Kelly is NOT a terrorist
I get Google alerts for "R. Kelly," and as a result I've seen quite a bit of what's out there on the blogosphere about the R-uh in R&B. There are a lot of people making bad "Pied Piper" and/or golden shower-themed jokes, a lot of other people agitating for his ruination despite his acquittal, and a handful of people talking about how awesome he is (and I get links occasionally to my site which fall under that category heading). Also, I have seen a lot of comments on my site and other Kells-related blog posts concerning how stupid and depraved I must be to love an obvious pedophile...WHO WAS PROVEN NOT FUCKING GUILTY BY A JURY OF HIS PEERS. Needless to say, I'm getting pretty tired of hearing what Robert Sylvester Kelly calls "the devil mouths" going on about how he's a child molester that deserves to spend eternity in a Bosch painting.
I therefore can understand how Kells wound up saying some wack shit in an interview, as he is often prone to do, especially when frustrated. This is one reason why R. Kelly's handlers keep him safely in the Chocolate Factory composing masterpieces of mackadelic nightspot realness rather than shooting off his yap to the press. It works when he describes himself as a marching band or a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in a song, but grandiose comparisons don't always work in interviews, as evidenced when the World's Greatest decided to compare his troubles with being demonized in the media to Al Qaeda's Greatest:
That's the finest rendition of our national anthem I've heard. It's even better than Lieutenant Frank Drebin performing it under the guise of Enrico Pallazzo before the Angels-Mariners game in The Naked Gun. If that doesn't make you shout a series of enthusiastic U!S!A!'s from the rooftops then I don't know what will. Kells loves America, and I STILL LOVE KELLS!
Osama Bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I'm going through. They can criticise you without even knowing you, and hate you when they don't even know you. All of a sudden, you're, like, the Bin Laden of America.While I see what Kells is trying to get at, I have to advise him that a comparison to the man who orchestrated 9/11 and whose sole ambition is to see all of us Western infidels (including Kells, no doubt) consumed in a fiery conflagration of divinely sanctioned jihadist wrath probably isn't going to win him a lot of sympathy points with his detractors. In fact, I think he may have just exacerbated the situation. I can already anticipate the "hey, quit sticking up for this creep!" comments, so I'm going to try (probably unsuccessfully), to head them off by posting empirical proof that R. Kelly loves America and actually has nothing in common with Osama Bin Laden save his negative media image:
That's the finest rendition of our national anthem I've heard. It's even better than Lieutenant Frank Drebin performing it under the guise of Enrico Pallazzo before the Angels-Mariners game in The Naked Gun. If that doesn't make you shout a series of enthusiastic U!S!A!'s from the rooftops then I don't know what will. Kells loves America, and I STILL LOVE KELLS!
Labels: intentional buffoonery, media whores, Robert Sylvester Kelly, terror
Friday, May 30, 2008
Rachael Ray hates freedom
If there's one East Coast franchise I love almost as much as classic Razzy favorites such as historical nonfiction about seamen, porn, Seahawks football, pepperoni pizza, cunnilingus, or R. Kelly, it's Dunkin' Donuts. They have great fucking coffee, and in college I lived off the stuff. I was delighted to see that the Jenzi Lounge down the street from me--an establishment I'd only been to once because the only thing they served was a drink called "the nutcracker" which was by my estimation grain alcohol and red Kool-Aid--had gone out of business and was being converted into a D'n'D.
However, my love for D'n'D has been tainted by a terrible marketing strategy on their part, namely the appointment of Rachael Ray as their spokesperson. In the past, I've actually offered a sexual bounty on Rachael Ray's head because I loathe her so deeply. Nothing makes me want to burn every last Dunkin' Donuts in the world like hearing her proclaim in her amphetamine-crazed rasp that her coffee is "delish." Luckily, there's hope. I had heard a bit of news about this previously, but hadn't really paid attention due to conditioning myself to tune out anything involving "Rachael Ray" for the sake of my fellow man, as her very name makes me feel like going on a murder spree. However, devout Razzyphile L&L e-mailed this to me, and I decided I couldn't ignore it since clearly I am not alone in my militant anti-Rachael Ray sentiments. This also represents the first time I've felt anything like admiration towards Michelle Malkin (I mean, I'm a Republican, but I'm a McCain Republican, not one of those irrational blithering neo-con fuckwits).
From: L&L (lnl@razzyphile.ca)To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)Subject: The real and present danger hiding behind Dunkin Donuts
oh my god Razzy - have you seen this?
*Dunkin Donuts Pulls Ad Featuring Rachael Ray In A Scarf That Looks Too Arab!*
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Dunkin Donuts has pulled a commercial featuring pitchwoman Rachael Ray wearing a scarf because Michelle Malkin and other conservative observers thought the scarf looked too much like a keffiyeh, what Malkin describes as "the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/05/28/dunkin-donuts-pulls-ad-fe_n_103859.html
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Clearly Rachel Ray is a Terrorist.
Personally, I always felt it. The way she mixes chili ... her recipes ... that MAN voice of hers... her incessant yell-talking.
The real offense? That Rachel Ray lives and, that she just won't admit she's really a man. I fucking HATE this bitch.
Thank GAWD for the likes of Michelle Malkin and the other right wing fanaticals. Now I can enjoy my apple fritter knowing no evil-doer was harboured.
Phew!
xo
L&L
I not only stand in solidarity with L&L concerning her many criticisms of Rachael Ray, I think that pulling the Dunkin' Donuts ad is not enough. Not only should Dunkin' Donuts pull EVERY ad that has ever featured Rachael Ray, I think that the Department of Homeland Security ought to ship her ass to Gitmo and waterboard the bejesus out of her for her crimes against freedom.
Okay, fine, so MAYBE they sell those keffiyeh-esque scarves at Urban Outfitters so that the hipster morons of the world can take fashion cues from Yasser Arafat as well as Che Guevara, and maybe none of those dipshits have been hauled off by the thought police yet. However, I think that the combination of her PLO/Hamas gear with her ruining the reputation of a sacred American institution like Dunkin' Donuts constitutes some kind of Patriot Act violation. If Rachael Ray disappears to some secret treason court, then I could say with confidence that the Bush administration did at least ONE good thing during its eight years of tyrannical ineptitude.
Send some Blackwater mercenaries to her crib to haul her away already. USA! U!S!A! U!S!A!
Labels: assholes, ranting, retard rage, scathing indictments, sluts, terror, United States of Asskickery
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Daily Douchebag: dudes who don't know the difference between "Obama" and "Osama"
DOB: various
Occupation: stupidity
Hometown: various
Current residence: various
Douchebaggery: Last night on "Hardball," Chris Matthews was blabbering about Barack Obama when some production guy behind the scenes decided to have some fun and put up a picture of Osama Bin Laden. This reminded everyone of the time last year when Wolf Blitzer's production guys put up a picture of Al Qaeda's heavyweights with the caption "Where's Obama?" It reminded me of how truly, monumentally stupid many people actually are.
As I discussed yesterday, I think Barack Obama's silver tongue would be put to better use licking my twat than rhapsodizing about all the campaign promises he won't be able to fulfill. However, despite my general disdain for the young senator from Illinois, I wouldn't ever confuse him with Osama Bin Laden because his last name kind of sounds the same. I mean, "Bush" sounds exactly like a slang term for vagina, but I never get my snatch confused with the president when I'm talking about one or the other. Of course MSNBC is apologizing and saying this was an accident and they don't know how it happened (just like when CNN did it last year on "The Situation Room"). I'll tell you how it happened: either someone behind the scenes at the cable news network hates Obama, or (more likely) cable news companies hire stupid people. I know the stupidity thing is true because my friend JerseyGirl is in the cable news business, and she is so much smarter than everyone else that she spends all day on Facebook because she can do in one hour what it takes most of her colleagues ALL DAY to do. JerseyGirl is clearly an exception to the rule when it comes to the quality of the average cable news producer. I know for a fact that if her superiors asked her to book Barack Obama for a show, she wouldn't start trying to get Bin Laden's cave in Tora Bora on the horn.
Periodically, I get e-mails from that knuckle-dragging racist ex-con white supremacist fake doctor James McBride where--in between what he thinks are scathing barbs about how I fuck black dudes and thus can consider myself off the guest list for any Aryan brotherhood prison reunion parties he might throw--he rants and raves histrionically about how Obama took the shahaddah when he lived in Indonesia as a child. Therefore, Obama is really a secret Muslim, so he must be a terrorist. The only information I found to substantiate this claim was from similarly delusional racist morons with websites or forums, many of which use this "Obama sounds like Osama" argument to bolster their claims. Let me get this straight: Obama lived in a predominantly Muslim country for a few years during his childhood, he's black, his last name is one letter away from the first name of the world's most infamous freedom-hating evildoer, and his middle name (Hussein) is the same as the last name of the now-deposed and hung-for-war-crimes leader of Iraq, so Obama might as well just admit right now that he's a member of Al Qaeda. Yeah, that's logical. I should count my blessings that James and his fellow Aryan brethren went to prison on felony assault charges instead of an Ivy League grad school, because if they were around campus, they'd constantly expose me for the intellectual lightweight that I am with their incisive reasoning skills.
I truly don't understand how this "Obama sounds like Osama" thing is an issue at all. Far more disturbing to me than any homophonic terror-related connotations "Obama" might arouse is the overwhelming evidence of the staggering stupidity of my fellow Americans. The same rationale that leads to people making this comparison might well be used to compare Hillary Clinton to colorfully dreadlocked funk singers because they actually have the SAME surname.
Calling Obama "Osama" reminds me of when I was in the fourth grade and some of the boys in my class called me "Angie Harassmussen" because I was a mouthy, argumentative pain in the ass. Frankly, "Harassmussen" was more fitting for me than "Osama" is for Barack Obama, but either one is about as mature as anything you might expect a ten-year-old to concoct. I strongly advise people who make this "Obama sounds like Osama" argument/mistake to watch some fucking "Sesame Street" and brush up on the difference between the letters B and S.
Labels: Daily Douchebag, grammar gestapo, politics, retard rage, scathing indictments, terror
Monday, February 18, 2008
Criss Angel is a terrorist
I saw a picture of supreme douchebag musician Criss Angel on the gossip internets over the weekend, and I couldn't help but want to duck and cover in case he decided to suicide bomb me. Seriously, he is slowly becoming ever bit the terrorist I always thought him to be. With that beard, he looks like Abu Musab al-Zarqawi reincarnated as a Hot Topic employee rather than a terrorist insurgent.
This reiterates what I've always suspected about Criss Angel. He is a despicable human being who is waging a war against the American way by hoodwinking people into watching his shiteous Vegas magic act. I knew there was something untoward going on with Criss Angel, and now I know what that something is. He is a freedom-hating terrorist. It explains a lot. Now, the Department of Homeland Security just needs to slap those bedazzled handcuffs on his wrists and lock his ass away at Gitmo and hopefully prevent him from pulling off a magical Houdini-esque escape before his turn in the waterboarding room.
Labels: assholes, celebrities, Criss Angel, intentional buffoonery, terror
Sunday, December 30, 2007
There's a fine line between Razzyphilia and Razzy Hatred
A while ago, I got an email from some Razzyphile expressing his love and gratitude for yours truly. Okay, it was more like crazy rambling about Tookie Williams and how this guy's fake persona got kicked off Yahoo chat, but I think it was fan mail. At least, "I like your site" was one of the few coherent sentiments expressed in it.
My exclamations of "sha right" became more emphatic as I read his "refreshing ultra right wing opinion" on a variety of news stories. First, he goes off on Muslim women, specifically noting "I just don't care what muslim men do to muslim women. I think they're all dirty little animals and it just doesn't much matter to me what in the hell they do to one another and it seriously bothers me that white americans care."
It seriously bothers ME that you think I would ever link to a site containing sentiments like that. Next, Jaimie decides to express his sentiments on who is responsible for prostitution in whatever part of buttfuck upstate NY he lives in.
Because OF COURSE the hick cops managed to bust only johns of color. Whatever, Jaimie. Anyway, back to Jaimie's favorite subject: making idiotic racial slurs! This time, he hates on the Asians.
Ah, right. "Liberals" are offended by anything that is not an interracial relationship. I guess that explains why I can generally be found doing the nasty with blacks, Latinos, and Jews and NOT "staying with my own kind." Oh, right...I've fucked lots of white guys too. My sexual partners are like Skittles: I taste the rainbow, baby! High five to me!
Anyway, now James decides to demonstrate what a classy guy he is when he wishes he could have gone to a "liberal public school" in order to be molested by a hot teacher who doesn't teach kids how to hate Muslims properly.
And as long we're on the subject of kids complaining about being molested...time for some commentary on pedophile priests, and how their victims are all a bunch of liars!
Wait, you hated the priests but they are the finest people you've ever met? Do the clergy at St. Paul's and Catholic Central hate Muslims too? As always, I'm confused by Jaimie's "object hypocrisy." Anyway, back to hating Islam!
God, no wonder this guy has the cops coming to his house. He can't even walk his dogs without being a total fucking asshole.
Rather than start a pointless war with him, I sent him an e-mail saying that his dog was "kick ass" (the dog is cute, and it's not Jack's fault his owner is a dipshit), but that I strongly disagreed with his political views. I hoped that a succinct e-mail would discourage him from continuing his correspondence with me, and pestering me for a shout-out on my site. Although I am not always the nicest person, people who read my site know that I don't consider racism to be funny or to fall under the heading of "useless bullshit" that people might actually want to read. I would not even link to--and thereby endorse--a site containing nothing but post after post of moronic, knuckle-dragging idiocy, no matter how many times I was complimented or how many pictures of cute dogs I received. If I want to see cute dogs, I can look at the two canines snoring on my bed or couch and skip the paranoid bloviating about Muslims and minorities and liberals and their culpability for all the world's problems.
Unfortunately, this did not discourage Jaimie from writing back. In fact, he decided that he would more directly ask for a shoutout to his site, as well as offer his computer help.
I can't believe that, to top off the meritless rant about "Persons of Color" he just treated me to, he implies that my intelligence is suspect if I don't agree with him and reiterates that he is a "Doctor." Fuck that. Not only am I intelligent enough to question how a man whose MySpace profile lists his highest educational achievement as his high school diploma obtained a doctorate (most likely he bought it online), I'm intelligent enough to realize that when he says his website was "inspired by" mine, he actually meant FLAGRANTLY PLAGIARIZED:
I can't believe this asshole actually had the audacity to beg me for a link when he practically copied what I wrote word-for-word (tweaking it only to dumb it down). Mercifully, Dr. Jaimie didn't follow my lead and put up a picture of himself and his fat wife trying to look sexy, because...yikes. Newsflash: nobody wants to hear about "hot sex" between a pair of racist terrestrial whales. I mean, I'm sure someone out there wants to hear about how Jaimie has to lift his trashy-ass wife's prodigious gunt in order to access her rank, cheesy snatch, or how sexy it is when she peels off his metallic hammer pants and deep-throats all three inches of his chapstick, but it's not me.
I think that even my detractors can agree they'd WAY rather see my pasty ass in a lab coat than see Jaimie and his corpulent wife Lisa do their best "Welcome to our trailer/meth lab, y'all!" routine. Even if they put on normal clothes (hint: vertical stripes make you look thinner), gave Dr. McBride the haircut he so DESPERATELY needs, and touched up Lisa's Ogilvy home perm, I can't imagine that anyone except a true glutton for punishment would want to gaze upon these two for longer than a mere glance. Looking at them for as long as it has taken to write this post has me practically choking on phantom anhydrous ammonia fumes.
Not surprisingly, Jaimie's website has mysteriously vanished from the internets upon my informing him that he should brace his flabby, impotent ass for ignonimy. A word to the unwise: pester me with e-mails expecting me to see the light and agree with your fucking appalling, abysmally stupid, poorly articulated, Aryan Nation-inspired racist rants, and this is what you get. Enjoy being owned by me, douchebag.
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)I wasn't entirely sure why Jaimie was so proud of "the powers that be" shutting his "completely interactive and highly controversial" site down for pointing out the "object hypocrisy" of hippies or black people or whatever, and I really had no idea how this related to Razzy's Rejects. In my view, there is a big difference between busting on an individual person for being an asshole, and busting on an entire demographic group because a couple of their numbers were assholes. I suppose Dr. James E. McBride felt that I might applaud him for going to such lengths to fuck with whatever dipshits spend their time in Yahoo political chat rooms. I think I probably responded with a terse "thanks", if at all. However, Jaimie was not done reaching out to me. In fact, he was just getting warmed up begging for my attention.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: i like your site
As the powers that be recently suggested I shut my sites down I'm going through a withdrawal kind of thing and took to randomly surfing the net like the other swine. My site was very cool, completely interactive and highly controversial. Mostly I trolled idiocy that is Yahoo Political Chat and promoted my site, just to bust balls. The fast majority of the braying asses on yahoo chat are left wing conspiracy kooks who love The Diversified (LOL(I know you're one of them)) frequently refer to Islam is The Religion of Peace. I was merciless. You know as well as I do how gullible the nitwits in zombieland are.
For all their constant whining and crying and, of course, their object hypocrisy I felt duty bound to give them what they've been asking for all these years... or at least what they deserve. And so like your section fucking with the trolls who hit on you I did much the same thing except my beefs were more politically motivated. Like the fat kid on South Park, I hate hippies. I hate all their anti war bullshit, I have their smugness, I hate the ground they walk on.
But what to do? They're always bitching and whining about our country, the cops, every fucking thing. Like that mass shooting at VT, they whined that the cops weren't aggressive enough yet that drunk cunt at some fucking airport who died in police custody was Police Brutality. The liberals were over joyed when Timothy McVeigh got smoked (as was I) yet when they killed Tookie Williams, it was racist. I think that was when I snapped. Fuck Tookie Williams, you know?
Comes now http://profiles.yahoo.com/wolfgang_hoenicher . Wolfie, as they came to call him (me, duh) was everything they hated in this world. I was an Arch Conservative, seriously, heavily racist White Christian Male, who sometimes dabbled in fagdom (to ward off any chance of boredom coming on. Wolfgang was married to a Serbian refugee named Dragana Strajnic, who sometimes went on line and told tales of torturing muslim children to get information from their parents.
They believed every thing I told them. Everything. I told them I owned two adult bookstores upstate and made a fortune off the closet queens using the loops. I told them I owned three rooming houses in Syracuse having made a deal with NYS Parole rented exclusively to level 2 and 3 sex offenders for $250 a week per offender. They thought my wife's life in girlfriend (dare I wish) was named Lana Damarkov who was from Kiev. Lana got me a job doing the books for the organizatsiya for which they rewarded me with a co-op on Brighton Beach Avenue. I've never been to Brooklyn and my wife was born and raised in upstate NY.
I suppose I'm writing because I like your site and I especially like the meanness of your work. Our sites are much, much different because I attacked whole segments of society while you attack individuals. Alas my sites are gone now and it looks like i'm going to have to lay low for a while, perhaps quite a while.
In any case i have to walk my dog, a beautiful fawn american pitbull, and that's about it. I like your site.
Dr James E McBride
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)I went to this site, but oddly the link didn't take me to his site proper. Somehow I ended up at his Topix profile, and immediately scoffed audibly at the prospect of posting anything about his dog or linking to his site as he was heavy-handedly hinting he'd like me to do.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: RE: my kick as dog!
here's a kick ass dog!!! i'd freak if you put him on your site. His name is Jack, he's mostly american pitbull with a tiny pit of ridgeback. he'll be a year old on Christmas Day.
http://jaimieandlisa.strangled.net
this is my site which in many ways was inspired by your site. it's really new and i'm just starting to fill it up with useless shit.
My exclamations of "sha right" became more emphatic as I read his "refreshing ultra right wing opinion" on a variety of news stories. First, he goes off on Muslim women, specifically noting "I just don't care what muslim men do to muslim women. I think they're all dirty little animals and it just doesn't much matter to me what in the hell they do to one another and it seriously bothers me that white americans care."
It seriously bothers ME that you think I would ever link to a site containing sentiments like that. Next, Jaimie decides to express his sentiments on who is responsible for prostitution in whatever part of buttfuck upstate NY he lives in.
Because OF COURSE the hick cops managed to bust only johns of color. Whatever, Jaimie. Anyway, back to Jaimie's favorite subject: making idiotic racial slurs! This time, he hates on the Asians.
Ah, right. "Liberals" are offended by anything that is not an interracial relationship. I guess that explains why I can generally be found doing the nasty with blacks, Latinos, and Jews and NOT "staying with my own kind." Oh, right...I've fucked lots of white guys too. My sexual partners are like Skittles: I taste the rainbow, baby! High five to me!
Anyway, now James decides to demonstrate what a classy guy he is when he wishes he could have gone to a "liberal public school" in order to be molested by a hot teacher who doesn't teach kids how to hate Muslims properly.
And as long we're on the subject of kids complaining about being molested...time for some commentary on pedophile priests, and how their victims are all a bunch of liars!
Wait, you hated the priests but they are the finest people you've ever met? Do the clergy at St. Paul's and Catholic Central hate Muslims too? As always, I'm confused by Jaimie's "object hypocrisy." Anyway, back to hating Islam!
God, no wonder this guy has the cops coming to his house. He can't even walk his dogs without being a total fucking asshole.
Rather than start a pointless war with him, I sent him an e-mail saying that his dog was "kick ass" (the dog is cute, and it's not Jack's fault his owner is a dipshit), but that I strongly disagreed with his political views. I hoped that a succinct e-mail would discourage him from continuing his correspondence with me, and pestering me for a shout-out on my site. Although I am not always the nicest person, people who read my site know that I don't consider racism to be funny or to fall under the heading of "useless bullshit" that people might actually want to read. I would not even link to--and thereby endorse--a site containing nothing but post after post of moronic, knuckle-dragging idiocy, no matter how many times I was complimented or how many pictures of cute dogs I received. If I want to see cute dogs, I can look at the two canines snoring on my bed or couch and skip the paranoid bloviating about Muslims and minorities and liberals and their culpability for all the world's problems.
Unfortunately, this did not discourage Jaimie from writing back. In fact, he decided that he would more directly ask for a shoutout to his site, as well as offer his computer help.
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)Jack is kick ass enough for my site, but sadly, affiliation with dickless, mouth-breathing trash is not. I was relieved I hadn't actually stumbled upon the many political essays he's supposedly posted on the net (likely on account of my not keeping up with various Aryan Nation websites), because those few blurbs on his Topix page were more than enough. I elected not to respond, and hoped that Jaimie would keep busy decorating his double-wide with swastikas and unprovokedly harassing local chicken restaurant owners by ordering pork chops in a clearly halal establishment. I figured that, much like when I'm trying to dodge some overbearing honey who felt that a night of unremarkable jackhammering was tantamount to the beginning of a beautiful relationship, silence is more effective than dialogue. Unfortunately, Jaimie was not going to be so easily deterred.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: RE: my kick as dog!
thanks for calling jack kick ass!!!! as for my political views? did you Google us or something because although I have a great many political essays on the web there's only three on this particular site. I'm planning on doing a piece on Keith Olbermann who I absolutely despise.
I agree we are probably at very different ends of the political spectrum but i really do like the mean spiritedness of your website. Let me ask you something: are you hosting your own server? Which is to say is your site on a commerical server ie some kind of site hosting thing or are you running your own server?
I'm running my own. I have an ibm xseries server and roadrunner t-1 services. the site you apparently viewed (i could check the apache logs but why bother?) is written in php/sql/flash and a little bit of javascript.
If you want any banners or any kind of easy shit let me know and i'll do it for a mere mention in your site, which i think is awesome. My site is lacking in content at this time because the last one got shut down--cops at the house any everything!!!
The the mutts on yahoo chat believed this persona i created over the years and they turned me in. Oh well, i hope you write back because--for some reason--i like you and the site is cool. Is Jack Kick ass enough for your site?
Jaimie
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)Are you kidding me? You want me to bust on victims of molestation? Clearly, Dr. McBride is not going to leave me alone so long as he thinks I'm at least tolerant of his fucked-up, paranoid, certifiably insane beliefs.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: another catholic schooler
Raz:
I know you think i'm a right wing war monging racist but i have a question.
i note you went to a catholic grammar school. I went all though catholic
school. So did my parents and my kids. I don't have any first hand
information of anyone who ever got molested by a priest. Do You? I think
these mutts with their oh so sad tales are ruining the lives of fine, fine
men because The Church has deep pockets and no balls. What say you razzy?
dr james e mcbride
From: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)Jaimie wrote me back the same day. Rather than get the message that he should just fuck promptly off, he decided to reiterate his hatred for minorities via his old standbys: Tookie Williams and Mumia Abu Jamal. Apparently, "my type" can't see what is obvious to him: blame it on the people of color!
To: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)
Subject: RE: another catholic schooler
Listen, Jaimie, I am glad you like my site, but you are right when saying that I do think
you are a racist. I know you have said that this is part of some persona you have
created to ostensibly amuse people, but I don't think there is anything funny about it. I dislike your pervasive use of the term "mutts" (as well as "sandniggers", "gooks", etc.) and I have a hard time believing that behind your internet views, you are anything other than the type of person whose ignorant and backwards views I have grown up despising.
For that reason, I am afraid I cannot link to your site, as, although my site can be
mean-spirited, I don't want people associating my brand of useless bullshit with useless hatemongering. You may consider your views "right wing," but all the ultra conservative people I know would undoubtedly take exception to your placing that label on views that amount to neo-Nazism. To me, your views are abhorrent, and I do not wish to associate myself with them in any way, even peripherally.
And for the record, I don't know anyone who was molested by a priest, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Most priests are fine, admirable people, but I have no doubt that some of them are pedophile creeps, just as there are some doctors, missionaries, lawyers, judges, teachers, rabbis, politicians, etc. who are pedophile creeps. Sort of like how there are some Muslims who are terrorists, but the majority of them are fine, admirable people and not deserving of the vitriol you reserve for them as a large group. Take Timothy McVeigh, a white American who also turned out to be a terrorist that despicably killed hundreds of innocent people.
Those are my thoughts, "Doctor."
Razzy
From: Jaimie (jaimie@stny.rr.com)Well, that does it. I can't sit idly by while this witless loser attempts to pathetically engage me in what his dumb ass probably considers an intellectual debate and what I consider an exercise in futility. This asshole will never get the point that virtually every racial, cultural, or religious demographic has its share of detestable pricks, but most human beings are decent and don't deserve to be judged by the acts of a few bad apples. I also find that arguing with monumentally stupid people is tiring, and arguing with monumentally stupid people who think they are smart (to the point of calling oneself "Doctor" to enhance his faux academic mystique) is nothing less than a waste of my valuable time.
To: Razzy (razzy@razzy.org)
Subject: RE: another catholic schooler
it's not at all remarkable that you'd mention McVeigh. your type always does. You are aware that we executed McVeigh i assume and there wasn't a whole lot of FREE MCVEIGH when we, as a society, gave him the gas. Remember when we executed Tookie Williams? Every liberal in the country was whining, exactly as they're whining now about that other murderous hump Mumia Abu Jamal. I wonder why that is, eh? Do you think it's because they're Persons of Color?
Look at the illegal immigration deal. Remember in May when all the illegals marched and whined and cried and told their sad tales to Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson? Did you by chance notice there weren't a whole lot of white faces in those crowds? My wife has a whole lot of relatives in Brighton Beach. I have a lot of relatives in Winter Hill and Southie. Something tells me that not all the people in those neighborhoods have their paperwork in order either yet you didn't see them not going to work and waving Irish and Russian flags now do you?
Nope. It's always Persons of Color who make all the noise and do all the whining. You're an intelligent woman and you have to realize that i'm right and i am, after all a doctor....
Dr James E McBride
I can't believe that, to top off the meritless rant about "Persons of Color" he just treated me to, he implies that my intelligence is suspect if I don't agree with him and reiterates that he is a "Doctor." Fuck that. Not only am I intelligent enough to question how a man whose MySpace profile lists his highest educational achievement as his high school diploma obtained a doctorate (most likely he bought it online), I'm intelligent enough to realize that when he says his website was "inspired by" mine, he actually meant FLAGRANTLY PLAGIARIZED:
I can't believe this asshole actually had the audacity to beg me for a link when he practically copied what I wrote word-for-word (tweaking it only to dumb it down). Mercifully, Dr. Jaimie didn't follow my lead and put up a picture of himself and his fat wife trying to look sexy, because...yikes. Newsflash: nobody wants to hear about "hot sex" between a pair of racist terrestrial whales. I mean, I'm sure someone out there wants to hear about how Jaimie has to lift his trashy-ass wife's prodigious gunt in order to access her rank, cheesy snatch, or how sexy it is when she peels off his metallic hammer pants and deep-throats all three inches of his chapstick, but it's not me.
Not surprisingly, Jaimie's website has mysteriously vanished from the internets upon my informing him that he should brace his flabby, impotent ass for ignonimy. A word to the unwise: pester me with e-mails expecting me to see the light and agree with your fucking appalling, abysmally stupid, poorly articulated, Aryan Nation-inspired racist rants, and this is what you get. Enjoy being owned by me, douchebag.
Labels: comeuppance, correspondence, crazies, ranting, Razzy Haters, Razzyphiles, retard rage, scathing indictments, small penises, terror, you're ugly
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Star Simpson
DOB: 1988
Occupation: per self--"inventor, artist, engineer, and student", and stupid "crazy idea" lover
Hometown: Kihea, Hawaii
Current residence: Boston, Assachusetts
Douchebaggery: Last week, Star Simpson's dumb ass decided that it would be a great idea to go pick her 42-year-old boyfriend (and you KNOW he's probably her nasty-ass troll of a comp sci professor at MIT) up from Logan International Airport wearing this fugly homemade sweatshirt:
A lot of the blogs are coming to Star's defense, claiming that all the uptight Yankees running shit in Boston tend to overreact (like with that Cartoon Network thing that happened last year, a hoax/marketing stunt also perpetuated by a bunch of badly groomed geeks) and she didn't know it would be such a big deal. Given that this bitch hails from Hawaii, I'm willing to bet that she's been on a plane before and knows exactly how uptight and annoying airport security is. Even though going to MIT doesn't guarantee intelligence (as she has clearly demonstrated), I would think that it at least guarantees literacy, so it's hard to imagine how she didn't notice all the signs around every airport warn people imperatively not to joke or screw around with the TSA at the security checkpoints. A lot of these same blogs are pointing out that the bomb was Play-Doh and a 9-volt battery, and nobody would ever think bombs are made out of circuit boards and drugstore batteries anyway, so what's the harm? Well, I wouldn't think that bombs could be made out of fertilizer and fuel oil either (because I sucked at chemistry), but that didn't stop Timothy McVeigh from blowing up a fucking federal building with one. Besides, asking whether or not most people have any idea as to the specifics of whether a 9-volt battery and a garden variety circuit board can ignite plastic explosives is making a ridiculously high estimation of the intelligence and education level of the average American. All they know is that McGyver could probably have done it, so it seems like a plausible enough threat. The fact is that wearing a bomb-looking thing affixed to one's stank MIT hoodie is the modern day equivalent of falsely shouting "fire!" in a crowded theater, and bitch can't complain that she got detained.
I hope that wherever Star Simpson is right now, she feels like a real dumbass, because she is one. She's probably sweating her job prospects BIG TIME right now, since her other skill set involves providing the internets with instructions on how to motorize your rollerblades, crimp cables and wires, and make a backpack out of a plastic shopping bag:
Labels: artfaggotry, Daily Douchebag, nerd alert, terror
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Merry 9/11, y'all!
So today I am sorry to say I don't have time to do a "Daily Dude I Want to Hit" or "Daily Douchebag" today as I'm busting out a poster full of rhinovirology hotness for my department's retreat. J-Sexy's is so cute, complete with a catchy title ("Interfering with Interferon") and her trademark "polio-o's" (replacing the letter "o" in her title with little polio virions). Since she set the bar high for eleventh hour virology hotness, I've got to produce something equally aesthetically pleasing for the crowd of discriminating microbiology nerds to praise.
In addition to the science business, I was distracted this morning by all those depressing 9/11 memorials on TV. That shit is live from Ground Zero every year, and while I obviously understand the importance of having a 9/11 memorial service, why does it have to be on every single fucking channel? It is a lousy way to start the morning listening to a choked-up NYFD captain rattling off the names of all his dead friends, and I wish there was ONE channel that would pay attention to other important news. I think it would provide hope to us all to hear some GOOD news on 9/11 for a change. For example, the news that 50 Cent's album Curtis dropped today and it is AWESOME.
As usual, 50 Cent is the master of the diss and the unintentionally hilarious lyrics about his prowess in the bedroom (if the song "Peep Show" wasn't titled that, I would have thought Fitty and Eminem were inviting women to their "Creep Show"). I suspect that because of the Razzy-related drama between my top two boyfriends Curtis Jackson and Robert Sylvester Kelly, 50 had some choice words for Kells: "I'm pissin' on grown women...R. Kelly do it to children." That diss will be outdated when the R-uh in R&B is exonerated at his trial starting next Monday, but whatever. Fitty is the silver lining on this 9/11, or as he puts it, he's "in the cut like germs" and you should go celebrate the day we got seriously dissed by Al Qaeda by buying yourself a copy of Curtis and listening to the dulcet beef-fomenting tones of 50 Cent, the world's most accomplished hater next to Osama.
In addition to the science business, I was distracted this morning by all those depressing 9/11 memorials on TV. That shit is live from Ground Zero every year, and while I obviously understand the importance of having a 9/11 memorial service, why does it have to be on every single fucking channel? It is a lousy way to start the morning listening to a choked-up NYFD captain rattling off the names of all his dead friends, and I wish there was ONE channel that would pay attention to other important news. I think it would provide hope to us all to hear some GOOD news on 9/11 for a change. For example, the news that 50 Cent's album Curtis dropped today and it is AWESOME.
As usual, 50 Cent is the master of the diss and the unintentionally hilarious lyrics about his prowess in the bedroom (if the song "Peep Show" wasn't titled that, I would have thought Fitty and Eminem were inviting women to their "Creep Show"). I suspect that because of the Razzy-related drama between my top two boyfriends Curtis Jackson and Robert Sylvester Kelly, 50 had some choice words for Kells: "I'm pissin' on grown women...R. Kelly do it to children." That diss will be outdated when the R-uh in R&B is exonerated at his trial starting next Monday, but whatever. Fitty is the silver lining on this 9/11, or as he puts it, he's "in the cut like germs" and you should go celebrate the day we got seriously dissed by Al Qaeda by buying yourself a copy of Curtis and listening to the dulcet beef-fomenting tones of 50 Cent, the world's most accomplished hater next to Osama.
Labels: 50 cent, boyfriends, grad school bullshit, I LOVE IT, J-Sexy, rap, Robert Sylvester Kelly, terror
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Puyallup brought down by bonging
Sccs, a Razzyphile who apparently keeps up on his P-N-Dub news, just tipped me off about this recent article concerning a suspicious package aboard the ferry Puyallup, which hauls rich assholes from Bainbridge Island and obese Navy whores (aka Bremelos) from Bremerton to Seattle:
I'm kind of shocked that it would even be surprising to find drug paraphernalia on a boat aptly named for my meth-addled hometown. If there's anything that Puyallup has a lot of, it's people smoking the reefer, preferably out of some sort of unwieldy water-containing instrument that they treasure more than their own bastard children. I went to a party in Puyallup over New Year's where some dudes were smoking pot, and sure enough, rather than use some sort of disposable, party-practical delivery method like a joint, they were employing some sort of gigantic, colorful tube contraption that they talked about in hushed, reverent tones like it was a piece from the Chihuly collection at the Tacoma Museum of Glass. Potheads in Seattle are even worse regarding their trust fund Phish-head pipe snobbery. Walk into any alley next to some organic juice-slanging Fremont coffee shop and you'll hear some white asshole with dreadlocks proclaiming, "hey, man, it's all blown glass, man...so killer. Man, nothing really hits like a glass piece, man. I won't smoke out of anything unless it's glass, man." So why did it take an hour of elite FBI anti-terror agents to determine that yes, the suspicious package is indeed a garden variety bong rather than an explosive threat meant to take out the Puyallup?
It must be all those fucking terrorists' fault, because I would think that under normal circumstances, nobody in the P-N-Dub would bat an eye over a misplaced "water pipe typically used for smoking marijuana," except maybe to say, "Oh dude, score! Check out the bong I found in the men's room!" I would think that some lazy, unbathed dude cruising over to Seattle from Bainbridge taking sufficient bong rips to merit forgetting his paraphernalia in the bathroom because he got too stoned and thus overwhelmed by his venti chai soy latte and the jamming of Widespread Panic or whatever on his iPod is probably a common occurrence. Hey terrorists, quit killing the P-N-Dub's buzz, man!
Discovery of bong delays WA ferry serviceSo let me get this straight...the Puyallup was docked because there are terrorists running around the Washington state ferry system so adored by Dr. McDreamy on "Gay's Shitnatomy," and these terrorists are running around planting "non-hazardous, non-explosive devices" in the onboard men's room? Or maybe the terrorists--I mean, the suspicious Middle Eastern dudes who aren't suspects and haven't been charged with a crime--were too busy doing implied pre-terror attack reconnaissance to notice the dirty hippie who decided to break out the Graffix three-footer from his patchouli soaked Irie-colored knit man-satchel in the marine head to chill out on his morning commute and attract unwanted scrutiny.
August 22, 2007
By ANNIE FLANZRAICH
The Associated Press
SEATTLE (AP) — This bong threat was legitimate.
The FBI has confirmed that a suspicious package that idled one of the largest ferries in the Washington state fleet for about an hour Wednesday morning was actually a water-pipe typically used for smoking marijuana.
"Someone found a bong," said David Gomez, FBI assistant special agent in charge.
The device was found in a men's restroom of the 460-foot ferry Puyallup at the height of the morning commute.
The ferry had just been emptied of cars and passengers after arriving at Colman Dock from Bainbridge Island about 8 a.m. when the package was found, said Marta Coursey, a spokeswoman for the ferry system.
State Patrol Sgt. Craig H. Johnson would only say the device was a "nonhazardous, nonexplosive item," adding investigators carried it off the ferry for further examination.
No arrests were made and no identified individuals were being sought, but "we'd like to find the person who left it there," Johnson said.
Following a search and examination by State Patrol troopers, the 2,500-passenger, 202-vehicle ferry was cleared to resume service about 9 a.m., Coursey said.
During the shutdown, service on the Seattle-Bainbridge and Seattle-Bremerton runs was maintained on the terminal's other main slip.
Coursey said two Seattle-Bainbridge runs were canceled during the package scare.
The scare came amid heightened security in the ferry system following reports of "suspicious behavior" in recent weeks. On Monday the FBI released photographs of two men who were described as showing unusual interest in the vessels, Agent Roberta A. Burroughs said.
The FBI would not release further details of the men's behavior, Burroughs said.
"It appeared to the people that reported it to us that the men seemed to have an undue interest in the workings of the ferry and the ferry terminal," she said.
Several ferry employees and passengers reported the men to the FBI about a month ago, but agents have been unable to identify them and released the photos hoping members of the public would know who they are.
Neither man is considered a suspect or has been charged with a crime.
"We admit right up front that the behavior could be completely innocuous," Burroughs said.
I'm kind of shocked that it would even be surprising to find drug paraphernalia on a boat aptly named for my meth-addled hometown. If there's anything that Puyallup has a lot of, it's people smoking the reefer, preferably out of some sort of unwieldy water-containing instrument that they treasure more than their own bastard children. I went to a party in Puyallup over New Year's where some dudes were smoking pot, and sure enough, rather than use some sort of disposable, party-practical delivery method like a joint, they were employing some sort of gigantic, colorful tube contraption that they talked about in hushed, reverent tones like it was a piece from the Chihuly collection at the Tacoma Museum of Glass. Potheads in Seattle are even worse regarding their trust fund Phish-head pipe snobbery. Walk into any alley next to some organic juice-slanging Fremont coffee shop and you'll hear some white asshole with dreadlocks proclaiming, "hey, man, it's all blown glass, man...so killer. Man, nothing really hits like a glass piece, man. I won't smoke out of anything unless it's glass, man." So why did it take an hour of elite FBI anti-terror agents to determine that yes, the suspicious package is indeed a garden variety bong rather than an explosive threat meant to take out the Puyallup?
It must be all those fucking terrorists' fault, because I would think that under normal circumstances, nobody in the P-N-Dub would bat an eye over a misplaced "water pipe typically used for smoking marijuana," except maybe to say, "Oh dude, score! Check out the bong I found in the men's room!" I would think that some lazy, unbathed dude cruising over to Seattle from Bainbridge taking sufficient bong rips to merit forgetting his paraphernalia in the bathroom because he got too stoned and thus overwhelmed by his venti chai soy latte and the jamming of Widespread Panic or whatever on his iPod is probably a common occurrence. Hey terrorists, quit killing the P-N-Dub's buzz, man!
Labels: crime and punishment, drugs, Grey's Anatomy, P-N-Dub, Razzyphiles, terror
Friday, August 17, 2007
Jonathan Lee Riches Greatest Briefs: Riches v. Bonds, Selig, and Hank Aaron's bat
YES! The Smoking Gun dug up more of Jonathan Lee Riches's handwritten court filings, as well as a mugshot! Feast your eyes on Mr. Riches, Esquire, who, judging by those ears of his, is likely related to Smeagol or some other Hobbit-like creature shriveled and deformed from years of dwelling in dark goblin-filled caverns with nothing but the One Ring's sinister company. Seriously, precious:
Since he obviously isn't going anywhere in terms of winning the title of Miss Federal Prison with those looks, he has instead focused on more intellectual pursuits. Specifically, his burgeoning career as what TSG describes as a "habitual litigant." The esteemed counselor's cases, much like an episode of "Law and Order," are ripped from the headlines. Shortly after Barry Bacne Bonds hit that asterisked 756th homer, he filed this scathing indictment in federal court. Again, he claims this is a Bivens case, although now that I know what that is thanks to Morrissey'sHair's astute explanation, I don't see how undercover federal agents were involved. Anyway, it's a thrilling tale which I desperately wish was coming to a federal courthouse near me sometime soon, but will probably be tossed for frivolity. What a shame.
I ALSO REQUEST A JURY TRIAL! This would be the most entertaining trial in the history of jurisprudence. I want to see "The White Suge Knight," in his finest inmate regalia, cross-examining Hank Aaron's bat (which I suppose would be de facto pleading the Fifth, as being an inanimate object, cannot incriminate itself for committing assault, treason, illegal moonshine, skimming the books, or terrorism. I would be absolutely riveted watching Riches making his absolutely UNBELIEVABLE case against them. If you thought the only skeletons in Barry Bonds's closet were the cream and the clear, you were dreadfully mistaken. Steroids are just the tip of the iceberg of a vast conspiracy to boost television ratings, frame Riches and send him to jail, conspire with Colombian guerilla pinko revolutionaries, and violate our national treasures.
A restraining order against televising America's national pastime? I guess it's not all peanuts and Cracker Jacks these days, not when it's a nefarious front for violating Riches's "underground constitutional rights." Here I thought Barry Bonds was just making trips to BALCO and Bud Selig was trying to save face about the whole league-wide steroids to-do, but who would have thought that booth #11 of the I-70 Steak and Shake was the site of such despicable criminal activity as an "under the table cream exchange." Thank God Riches is here to bring these dirty deeds to light, as due to his incarcerated status, he's an expert at large burly dudes and skinny white guys exchanging cream. I have to say to him, though, good luck getting either Robert Novak or Judith Miller to testify. Miller would rather be your cell mate than talk, and Novak has friends in high places. That whole Valerie Plame debacle looks like a traffic ticket compared to this, so if they were going to stay mum on that, it's pretty unlikely they'll heed a subpoena from Riches.
Ah, yes. There is nothing more evil than someone bench-pressing another man against his will after securing his unjust federal indictment. That's practically like being raped. Barry Bonds must have learned such terrorist tactics from his Colombian terrorist friends in FARC. Incidentally, this conspiracy just provided some fascinating new information on the global drug trade. I thought FARC was strictly involved in the production and export of certain alkaloid derivatives of the coca plant, but I was unaware they'd entered the synthetic human growth hormone market, much less that they were peddling their illicit products to nuns. It makes sense to me, having gone to Catholic school for twelve years and having met many nuns, most of whom were bitchy and all of whom could have furthered their reign of terror by beefing up their typically slight, elderly physiques. I shudder to think what would have happened if Sister Georgia, my high school's librarian, had caught me talking loudly and chewing gum in the library if she were heavily muscled and exploding with roid rage. I might not be here today. And I thought that, as HotLawyer pointed out yesterday, Hank Aaron's bat was safely in Cooperstown! Little did I know that Mr. Riches purchased it from Sotheby's, only to be deprived of it and various foodstuffs. We hates nasty, thieving Bondses...wicked, tricksy, false!
Even worse, the once-loyal, honorable bat got Stockholm syndrome (from being stuffed with Barry Bonds's HGH, no doubt), made like Patty Hearst, and opened a can of bronze-cracking fury on the fucking Liberty Bell! This implies that he also stole a flux capacitor, a Delorean, and illegal Libyan plutonium from Doc Brown in order to travel back in time to the 1846 celebration of George Washington's birthday, which is when the crack appeared. I can't believe Riches omitted this from the charges, but I am certain that when this goes to trial, the jury will hear about it.
Man, this just keeps getting worse and worse. Barry Bonds is not only in cahoots with drug-slinging terrorists to abuse skinny white men, transform the female Catholic clergy into killing machines, orchestrate assassination attempts, and steal food, baseball memorabilia, and identities from innocent amateur barristers for the purpose of selling illegal drugs, committing insurance fraud, and defacing protected national monuments, but he's also assisting the Gambino family in shamelessly violating the RICO act! If he does have an outstanding debt with them, Bonds has bigger problems than defending himself against these charges. I've seen Goodfellas and "The Sopranos." It's never good to owe money to the mob. Also, the sheer scope of this conspiracy is staggering. I now know why we're fighting in Iraq...Bush knew about the WMDs there, but couldn't say how because Saddam got them from an American baseball hero deeply entrenched in the Oil For Food scandal. I mean, how embarrassing would THAT be to explain before the United Nations security council? Obviously we just had to go ahead and invade Iraq without adequately explaining why, and pray to Jesus that those mustard gas cans showed up without a Barry Bonds luggage tag on them. Since they still haven't been found, I'm wondering if Barry Bonds isn't involved in covering up his many egregious international crimes against humanity. I have absolute faith that Jonathan Lee Riches will be rocking the face off the justice system when he gets to the bottom of this colossal global shitshow and avenges his forcible bench-pressing. Thank God for Jonathan Lee Gollum Riches. He will gets the precious back from the nasty Bondses. Believe it.
Even worse, the once-loyal, honorable bat got Stockholm syndrome (from being stuffed with Barry Bonds's HGH, no doubt), made like Patty Hearst, and opened a can of bronze-cracking fury on the fucking Liberty Bell! This implies that he also stole a flux capacitor, a Delorean, and illegal Libyan plutonium from Doc Brown in order to travel back in time to the 1846 celebration of George Washington's birthday, which is when the crack appeared. I can't believe Riches omitted this from the charges, but I am certain that when this goes to trial, the jury will hear about it.
Labels: crime and punishment, hilarious shit, I LOVE IT, intentional buffoonery, international intrigue, ridiculous absurdity, terror
Friday, July 27, 2007
Daily Douchebag: Dylan Avery
DOB: sometime in 1983
Occupation: 9/11 conspiracy theorist, "filmmaker", media whore
Hometown: Oneonta, New York
Current residence: Oneonta, New York--with his mom, most likely
Douchebaggery: In addition to loving Phish, being a two-time SUNY state film school reject, and having a righteous set of man-tits, Dylan Avery has distinguished himself by being the dipshit who brought America the Loose Change series of videos. Well, it's one video, but Dylan and his idiot friends have to spend a lot of time constantly editing it as their various inaccurate statements and copyright infringements keep getting pointed out and thus necessitate revision.
The genesis of this whole video was Dylan Avery's second film school rejection. He came home, got his mail, and noticed with a groan that once again, the small envelope from the admissions office was waiting for him. He noted that yet again, his application was not so much as wait-listed, but spurned outright. He soothed his rage by whacking off to an old "X-Files" episode, then decided he was going to make his own damn movie, and those elitist pricks at SUNY Purchase can just get bent. However, rather than shoot any scenes besides him sitting pompously before his sticker-adorned laptop, he figured that he would just cut a bunch of footage from some documentary about 9/11 and make up a story about a government conspiracy. He called up a couple of his douchebag friends, and in the course of making this movie, they all started believing their own bullshit.
Now, in spite of the fact that he's an unemployed college reject who lives with his mom, he's an expert in things like the effect of jet fuel burning on structural steel and the whereabouts of a secret trillion dollar cache of gold bullion that was supposedly squirreled away in the WTC basement. He also loves to showcase his daft facial expressions and voluptuous figure at various conferences put on by these conspiracy nutjobs whenever possible:
The problem with Dylan's propaganda is that there are a lot of people who want to believe it, and they tend to regard it as fact. One of my friends and I had a huge argument about it, as she declared the Loose Change video indisputable proof that it was a conspiracy, and questioned my logical abilities when I told her I thought it was bullshit. She called me closed-minded and implied that I'm a conformist sheep who believes everything the mainstream media tells me. She also said that the mainstream media was not "objective"...as opposed to Dylan and crew, who are COMPLETELY unbiased. I retorted that not only is that untrue (I'm a libertarian--my political philosophy requires a heaping helping of governmental mistrust), I'd still be more likely to believe the fact-checkers at the New York Times than some moron with a camcorder, a website, and a penchant for absurd, inventive reasons to mistrust the government. The fact is that it is MUCH more likely that the same terrorists who attacked the same target eight years prior went to tried-and-true terror tactics (hijacking planes), flew them into the damn buildings, and the ensuing fires caused the already damaged structures to destabilize and fall, rather than the entire government plotted to fake a bunch of hijackings, time those hijackings and building collisions perfectly with the detonation of preset explosives set secretly, and kill thousands of innocent Americans in the process FOR NO CONVINCING REASON.
In science, I often defer to a principle called Occam's razor, which basically suggests that the simplest solution is usually the correct one. Since they probably don't cover this in the high school rocks for jocks classes that were Dylan Avery's last exposure to the methods of rational discovery, it's safe to say that Dylan probably didn't have Occam's razor in his toolbox of detective principles available for application to his crack(ed out) analysis of the mechanics of the WTC collapse. He apparently also lacks any type of common sense, so I can see why his idiotic ass immediately gravitated toward the most unlikely, convoluted scenario as the only logical explanation for the tragedy of September 11th. Dylan makes Michael Moore seem impartial and accurate in comparison. He needs to shut up and get a real job.
Labels: crazies, Daily Douchebag, libertarians rule, retard rage, scathing indictments, terror
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
TERRORIST ATTACK IN MIDTOWN MANHATTAN!!!!!!!!!!
Just kidding. It was totally an accidental steam pipe explosion. I just wanted to be an asshole and counteract the idiotic newscasters who are saying every five minutes, "It's NOT terror, I repeat, this is NOT terrorism," in between giving us reports about how firefighters might have been exposed to asbestos and how Blackberries all over Midtown aren't working. Obviously I understand why many New Yorkers immediately think "TERROR! TERROR!" whenever something like this goes down:
However, now that it's established that Al Qaeda's not behind this one, I'm more interested in the particulars of how this is going to make life for all of us here in Nieuw Amsterdam a royal pain in the ass. I'm lucky in the sense that I don't live on the 4, 5, or 6 trains and thus won't have to deal with what I suspect are going to be some righteous subway service disruptions. Also, I'm lucky in that I don't live on the East Side and I don't drive, because Old Faithful appears to be erupting in the middle of the intersection at 41st and Lex. I shudder to think of the tongue-lashing the car service driver is going to get for the inevitable traffic issues which will undoubtedly make LL Cool Jew's grandmother go ballistic the next time she's in the city and is trying to get from her apartment on the Upper East Side to Nobu in Tribeca. I would feel grea