Last year I stupidly watched House of the Dead, a movie that actually managed to be less coherent than the video game it was based on (that video game involves you shooting at legions of the undead...and that's IT. There's no plot, no characters, nothing. Just aimless shooting at zombies.) After this, I swore that if it didn't have Milla Jovovich in it, I wasn't going to waste my time on theatrical adaptations of PlayStation games. However, I immediately broke this vow when, bored to tears by summer TV, I decided to Pay-Per-View the shitshow known as Alone in the Dark, even though it was directed by Uwe Boll, who also directed House of the Dead and still inexplicably seems to be getting work. I thought, hey, maybe Alone in the Dark might be kind of funny.

WRONG. Alone in the Dark sucked more skinny white penis than Britney Spears on her wedding night. This movie was clearly designed for stupid people, and I think that even its target audience will be unimpressed. Before a single scene even happens, there is a long-ass description of the supernatural Native American hocus pocus crap that is the basis for all the conflict in this film. As if the producers know their audience is illiterate, this description is READ ALOUD as the text moves on the screen. And it takes forever, when the simple gist is that some ancient race of Native Americans opened a gate to hell 10,000 years ago, then more recently some crazy asshole did unethical experiments on orphaned kids, and these things are somehow connected and coming back to haunt the world. As it turns out, one of the orphans escaped before the evil doctor (who looks so much like a younger Mel Brooks it's impossible to find him intimidating) completed his diabolical plan and grew up to be Christian Slater.

Christian Slater is undisputedly the dumbest supernatural fighter/karate expert ever. The whole movie has him doing pointless voiceover narratives, where he says things like "you don't have to believe me" and "I'm here to protect you from things you don't believe in." This constant litany of vague nonsense is so pervasive and excessive that it makes the dialogue in The Matrix seem cogent and direct. He also spends the whole time trying so hard to be edgy and cool that he naturally fails miserably. He wears a black trench, black wife-beater, and black jeans to really drive the point home that he is a man on the fringe of society, but then drives a Volkswagen TOUAREG, AKA the most pussified SUV in the known universe. He's always engaging the enemy in stupid karate fights...and considering the enemies (evil doctor minions) are half-hell creature and supposedly super strong, they're pretty easy to kill. In fact, Christian Slater kills one guy by kicking him into a bucket of fish. Yep, that's how he DIES.

Then the movie goes from really bad to MUCH WORSE, when Dr. Tara Reid shows up. She has a doctorate in anthropology or archaeology (although they are two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT academic disciplines, they are used interchangeably to describe Tara's job), and her main credentials are the thick geek-chic glasses she wears. Of course, once the glasses come off, her eyesight is unimpaired. She screws Christian Slater for no good reason except to give the audience a look at her hacked-up tits (seriously, even though her bra doesn't come off, you can just see that her sweater puppies are a cautionary tale for insecure actresses considering discounted plastic surgery). Then, instead of a postcoital cigarette or breakfast or something normal, they start investigating the Indian gate to hell and Stephen Dorff shows up. Dorff is in charge of some X-Files-type unit of G-men, "Bureau 713", that is of course top secret. Well, top secret for maybe 5 people, since even stupid rent-a-cops seem to know about it. Dorff clearly is not your average civil servant bureaucrat, as he is sporting a slicked-back action mullet and that patented Dorff brand of sarcastic asshole. Once all the main characters are here, the stupid CGI monsters from hell are released and a bunch of dumbasses start to die.

Everyone in this movie is so incredibly idiotic that you can't help but root for the CGI monsters from hell. For example, if you're a moron walking around in a dark room where monsters from hell were last known to be hiding, and something growls ferociously, it's NOT Tara Reid. Also, if there is a big thing that is known to be a portal to hell...DON'T OPEN IT JUST TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS, YOU ASSHOLES. It's really just a shame that this movie doesn't end with one big holocaust of the entire cast, because that's the only way this movie's audience could be even remotely satisfied.

My main question is, who keeps hiring Uwe Boll to direct movies??? This is a man who has not only produced this atrocity and House of the Dead, but according to IMDB has SIX movies slated for the next three years, all of them in the "horror" genre. Correct me if I'm wrong, but usually when you SUCK at your job, you don't get more work! Who the fuck is letting this guy anywhere near a movie set? What is WRONG with you people?!?!

Don't see this movie. It's not bad like Resident Evil is bad (which is to say, it's awesome and hilarious). This is bad like Tara Reid's breasts are bad. Just plain old avert-your-eyes-before-you-are-permanently-traumatized bad. Don't see this movie.