Batman Begins? No. More like Batman Bores.

Here's a brief summary of this movie. The parenthetical statements are scenes I would have fast-forwarded through if I could have:

Why is Christian Bale in a Chinese prison? Hmm, is Liam Neeson a good guy or a bad guy? Wow, it's a good thing Christian Bale is so hot, otherwise I might get bored!

(Boring pseudo-Asian training sequence, in which Liam Neeson is clearly revealed to be a bad guy, along with his dumb-ass club "The League of Shadows". Seriously, the "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" was more intimidating and that was led by Sean Connery, who is like 80 and needs a walker).

(Boring flashback to Bruce Wayne's childhood, which pretty much consists of him falling into a well full of bats. Snore.)

Hey, that's Rutger Hauer! I'm glad to see he's still getting work. He must be the bad guy. He's ALWAYS the bad guy. In fact, he is...the evil CEO of Wayne, Inc. who does hateful things like taking the company public and making billions of dollars for ungrateful do-gooder billionaires like Christian Bale. He's still hot though.

(Boring part where Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman help Christian Bale jerry-rig all of his bat-gear).

Christian Bale runs around Gotham City beating up random bad guy flunkies. Gotham City is a real shithole. Katie Holmes is a fucking dog and I hate her. I do NOT believe that she is a tough-as-nails district attorney, just because she drives a Ford Taurus in "The Narrows", which I guess is the nexus of criminal activity in Gotham City, and carries around a taser. Sam Waterston from Law and Order would fire her pouty bitch-ass immediately for being a stupid, stuck-up pussy and the least convincing lawyer ever.

(Boring stuff I forgot. More dumb background on the supporting cast. Newsflash: I DON'T CARE).

This dumb evil doctor (who looks like he's about 12) with the stupidest pair of boxy pseudo-intellectual glasses I've ever seen reveals that he is the Scarecrow, and is only scary when he forces people to take acid. Otherwise he's a ninety-pound wuss who undoubtedly waxes his pussy when he's not performing unethical experiments and helping the lords of the criminal underworld orchestrate their diabolical plans. He forces his aerosolized hallucinogens upon both Christian Bale and Katie Holmes. Fortunately, despite the fact that Morgan Freeman has been demoted to the Batmobile/Batsuit/Batgadget department at Wayne Enterprises, he is a crack analytical chemist and pharmacology expert, who manages to de novo synthesize an instant antidote that has no toxic side effects in the time it takes Christian Bale to recover from his hangover.

(Boring pseudo-scientific strategy sessions with Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, and Michael Caine. LL Cool Jew, my date for the evening, checks her phone to see how much time there is left in this dumb movie).

Turns out evil doctor isn't the bad guy...Liam Neeson is. And he has a diabolical plan to make everyone in Gotham take acid by contaminating the city's water supply and then zapping it with a giant microwave so that everyone will breathe it. He claims this will destroy Gotham City, and then takes credit for every major catastrophe in history, from the fall of Rome to the bubonic plague. I'm sorry, but has he ever been to a Phish show? Thousands of people on acid does not cause civilization to crumble. It might cause civilization to break out with an extended lame-ass jam session, but it does not cause it to crumble.

(Boring-ass fight between Christian Bale and Liam Neeson. Liam Neeson loses. Gary Oldman helps save the day, pretty much by just driving the Batmobile around. Boring-ass resolution to the problem. Boring-ass processing between Christian Bale and Katie Holmes.)

LL Cool Jew astutely observes, "Katie Holmes is going to age really badly." She is right. Her face is like a sack of shit that has a slow leak.

Christian Bale sticks it to Rutger Hauer for being a capitalist bastard. He fires him and adds insult to injury by supplanting him with Morgan Freeman.

The End. Don't waste your time. Just rent American Psycho if you want to watch a truly entertaining movie starring Christian Bale. Or Jesus, even rent the abortion known as Reign of Fire. Either one would be highly preferable to this waste of $11.50. I never thought that Tobey Maguire would rank higher on the list of convincing superheroes than Christian Bale, but I stand corrected.