Here's a picture of myself and Fitty on the red carpet at the 2003 Grammys. The sunglasses I'm wearing really say Rap Mogul's Wifey, don't you think? Anyway, 50 and I have been together since his first album dropped. Before that, he was always calling me, begging me to go out with him, but I was like, "Until you get out of the crack game and start selling records, I'm just going to keep sending you straight to voice mail and blocking your IMs, no matter how desperately you plead." Then, once he got paid and got all his bullet holes patched up, I hit the tanning salon and got some bitchin brown extensions, and told Fitty (or Curtis, as I like to call him) that he should pop some Cris and brace himself for the Razzy. Now he's pretty much my number one ho. Oh, and I know that I might look a little like Vivica A. Fox in this picture, but don't get it twisted: that unoriginal bitch copied me, not the other way around.
2. R. Kelly
Kells would move up in my ho hierarchy if he were a little more sensitive to my needs. Instead, he's always showboating around, cheating on me (with teenagers, I might add), and hanging out with his Disney Channel pals like Nick Cannon. Needless to say, when my Robert gets his ridiculous on and starts posing shirtless for no apparent reason, I have to otherwise occupy myself (by reading a good book, for example) until he screws his head on straight and pays attention to me. I'm getting pretty tired of him, but if there's one thing he's great at, it's having sex, so I keep him around. If you don't believe me, just listen to one of his albums. Besides, he would be devastated if I broke up with him. I remind him of his jeep.
3. Steve Mariucci
While I had to sub a pic of a NFL head coach for the previous BF, my next boyfriend is was actually a NFL head coach, until he was unceremoniously canned by Detroit's retarded GM Matt Millen the day after Thanksgiving. That just goes to show how fucked up the Detroit Lions are, when you can the Mooch but keep a loser like Joey Harrington, who is just the most recent in a string of QB busts from the Pacific Northwest. He was really depressed about that, and I was just getting ready to dump him for crying too much (I mean, what is this, Smith College? Less lamentation, more fornication, Steve-O). Then, however, he realized that it's for the best, because I was getting really tired of having to wear that Harrington uniform all the time (what can I say, Steve is a little kinky). Anyway, whatever team picks up Mariucci next year, I hope they have blue in the uniform. It brings out my Moochie's gorgeous eyes. Sigh.
4. Ernest Hemingway
You all might think that Ernest Hemingway used the trigger toe technique to self-administer a fatal shotgun blast, but actually he faked his death (you were all fooled, right?), and is living on a remote island in the South Pacific with Tupac, JFK Jr., and Uday and Qusay Hussein. I go visit him there sometimes, and we spend a lot of time shooting endangered species and doing other manly stuff. He shot me a manatee one time to get taxidermied for my apartment, but the stupid jerks at U.S. Customs wouldn't let me bring it back into the country, probably because they're tree-hugging pussies, but that's another story. Even though my Ernest is well over 100 years old now, you'd never know it. He's really spry. And he can still drink like his most interesting protagonists. In fact, that's how I ended up with such an old guy in the first place. You know, you go out to a bar, have an absinthe or two, and the next thing you know you're waking up with a World War I vet who incessantly mutters in his sleep about the Spanish Civil War. Bless his macho little heart.
5. Shepard Smith
If you don't prefer the Freedom-loving newscasts at FOX News Channel, then go burn a flag or worship Che or whatever it is you hippie losers do. You're missing out on my on-again, off-again boyfriend Shepard Smith, host of the "Fox Report" (it's on at 7, right before "The O'Reilly Factor"). Shepard, or "Shep," is like the Anderson Cooper of FNC, except he's better looking and heterosexual. In fact, Shep shares Cooper's timeslot, affinity for dumb jokes during the entertaining news rundown (called the "G-Block"), and daring willingness to cover storms and natural disasters. Unlike Cooper, however, Shep is hot, and he talks dirty on the air:
Sometimes he brings me along as he goes around reporting on stuff, like in the picture below when he was covering Hurricane Rita, mainly because I provide him with a sense of calm security in the midst of chaos. As you can see, while Shep was flipping out, I was relaxing with a daiquiri and a little light reading about smallpox. At least I managed to convince him to wear his FNC baseball hat backwards, to convey that casual charm that his viewers have come to expect.
6. Johnnie Walker
Don't let his dapper outfit fool you, Johnnie Walker is actually a pretty horrible abusive boyfriend, yet I keep going back to him. Our dates start off nicely enough, as he's always warm and charming. I always tell myself I'll be good and limit my time with him. However, by "limit" I actually mean "don't limit," and the next thing I know, he compels me to do crazy things, like give my cell phone number out to homeless men, go to the Stonewall and rant loudly about how there's no available men there, and molest helpless statues of Fiorello LaGuardia. The next day, I wake up to realize that Johnnie's beaten the shit out of me once again, and I'll spend the next day (or two) clutching the toilet, trying to will my innards to stay in. I know I should leave him, but just when I've built up the resolve, there he is behind the bar, in that hot black label, twinkling benignly at me. I just can't say no.
7. Dr. Christian Troy
If you don't watch "Nip/Tuck", you don't know who Dr. Troy is, but he's the most sexually versed fake plastic surgeon in Miami and he is HOT. In real life his name is Julian McMahon, and he's lent his acting talent to such repugnant shitshows as "Charmed" and The Fantastic Four, so he's not my boyfriend (especially not with a wussy name like Julian). Only as Dr. Christian Troy is he smoking enough to nail the Razzy. And nail he does. He likes me to gown in for mouse work because it reminds him that he's a hot TV doctor. Since he is a fake doctor, and I'm in training to be a fake doctor, we make for a nice couple.
8. Ki Toy Johnson
If I had the chance, I'd be all over Ki Toy's tremendous ass. And I mean "tremendous" in every possible sense of the word. She is lucky I'm not a full-time lesbian, or she would have to change her name to "Razzy's Toy". For real.
9. David Banner
David Banner is possibly the proudest rapper ever to emerge from the mighty, mighty Mississip. In fact, he is so proud of his heritage that he entitled his first record MIssissippi: The Album (and actually, his follow-up was called Mississippi The Album 2, or MTA2 for short). I fell in love with David after watching his episode of "MTV Cribs," in which he revealed that he lives with his grandmother and about 15 other members of his extended family. Also, David is a real ladies' man. Unlike most other rappers who are obsessed with tits and/or ass, David is interested EXCLUSIVELY in pussy. In fact, all of his song lyrics are a variation of him exhorting a stripper to show him her "pretty pink." His focus on this part of the female anatomy is so intense that I don't think even Lil' Kim could find anything to complain about regarding David's attentions. Hence, I have to appreciate David's woman-friendly style. Also, he has a great sense of humor. For example, I'll be sitting around with Chingy!, white-trashing it up in my wife-beater and knocking back a PBR, and all of a sudden David pops up out of nowhere and rips off his shirt, Incredible Hulk-style.
If there's one thing I love, it's a man who can make me laugh. And nothing makes me laugh like this. It never gets old. And there's something that's just impossibly cute about David's constant scowling. Like Ice Cube, his attempts to look tough and gangsta just make you want to pinch his sweet little cheeks. He doesn't even need to break me a dub off to see my pretty pink.
The list just keeps on growing...more BFs will be added as they accumulate. To be honest, I was going to put Eddie George up here, but since his final year in the NFL was spent with the Cowboys, I think he should consider himself dumped. That's right, Eddie, when I said it was over if you chose Bill Parcells over me, I MEANT IT!