Aunt Jesus's Encyclicals
Unfortunately for me, I opened my big fat mouth and let the name of my website slip at a family function while I was home over Christmas. Even more unfortunately, one of my aunts (who I will call Aunt Jesus because of her constant invoking of JC's name) decided to read every page on the entire site and freak out about it. This woman once told me that the human race is in danger of extinction because the nefarious "liberals" encourage everyone to either have abortions or go gay. Needless to say, she's not exactly the picture of reason and enlightenment. Upon discovering RAZZY.org, undoubtedly the baddest ass website in the world, she decided that she would commence a shock-and-awe campaign of combining scripture and unabashed judgment by e-mail to reiterate that I am a hellbound sinner. I asked her nicely to stop, but she would not. So I have decided to share her messages of intolerance with the masses, since God knows you're also one of the condemned if you are reading this website.
An encyclical is a letter sent by the Pope to the bishops, usually instructing them on some aspect of Catholic doctrine. My aunt is decidedly bigoted against Catholics like myself who go to our orgiastic, idol-worshipping agape love feasts and practice ritualized cannibalism (read: attend Mass and take communion), so it's all the more fitting that her doctrine should be laid out in the Catholic Corner section of my site.
Without further ado, behold, the words of salvation:
From: Aunt Jesus
To: razzy@razzy.org
Subject: very sad day!
Razzy, I love you and care about you very much. I am very sad about what I saw on your website today. I can see Jesus, Troy, your Grandmas and your Grandpas crying, too. We are only on this earth a short time. We will be with the Lord and our loved ones for ever in Heaven. Please ask God for His forgiveness. We never know when the Lord will call us home. I am so grateful that my son Troy knew and loved the Lord! I wouldn't be able to carry on if he hadn't, because I know that I will see him in Heaven. Give your parents peace with the knowledge that you have asked the Lord into your life and have turned your back on satan! I care deeply for you and your family. Please let me know if I can be help you in any way. God bless you!
Love always,
Aunt Jesus
Well, gee, I better throw on some sackcloth and start self-flagellating. Where DID I put that cat o' nine tails?
From: Aunt Jesus
To: razzy@razzy.org
Subject: Disgraceful!
Razzy,
Please remove the family name from your disgusting website. Grandpa Ben is turning over in his grave! You need to get down on your hands and knees and ask God for forgiveness.
I guess I should refrain from telling Aunt Jesus about what I typically am doing when I'm down on my knees.
We all love you and are crying inside for your lost soul. We want you with us in Heaven. In the name of Jesus Christ I claim the scales to come off Razzy's eyes. Troy saw Jesus before he died and thanked Jesus for coming and taking him home. Grandma saw the Lord before she died, too. He told her that He wants her in His house!. We want you in His house with us, too!
Love always,
Aunt Jesus
At this point I wrote simply that most of the e-mail I get about my website is very positive, and if she didn't like it, there are plenty of other websites on the internet catering to the Bible thumping community.
From: Aunt Jesus
To: razzy@razzy.org
Subject: Disgraceful!
Hi, Razzy! It's good to hear from you! You are right, satan does have a lot of fans! I found your site on Google.com by entering your name. I know Jesus would not laugh, but is crying! The kind of people attracted to that type of humor are lost souls in need of the Lord and His forgiveness.
Apparently her sense of self-righteousness is so thoroughly developed that Aunt Jesus has become omnipotent enough to know what JC himself is thinking.
John 3; 1. See how very much our heavenly Father loves us, for He allows us to be called His children - think of it- and we really are! But since most people don't know God, naturally they don't understand that we are his children. 2. Yes, dear friends, we are already God's children, right now, and we can't even imagine what it is going to be like later on. But we do know this, that when He comes we will be like Him, as a result of seeing Him as He really is. 3. And everyone who really believes this will try to stay pure becauase Christ is pure. 4. But those who keep on sinning are against God, for every sin is done against the will of God. 5. And you know that He became a man so that He could take away our sins, and that there is no sin in Him, no missing of God's will at any time in any way. 6. So if we stay close to Him, obedient to Him, we won't be sinning either but as for those who keep on sinning, they should realize this: They sin because they have never really known Him or become His.
Do you know how to come to know the Lord and His will for you, Razzy? By reading your Bible and attending Bible studies. Attend a church that teaches and preaches from the Bible, The Word of God, The Good News!
I was unaware that in Mass, they weren't teaching and preaching from the Bible...those goddamned Papists have been misleading me this whole time! I thought we were learning shit from the Bible, but as it turns out, we've just been duped by another of Satan's minions. Any minute now, I'm sure my parish priest will be asking the congregation for their gold jewelry to melt down into a statue of Ba'al the golden calf.
You are contributing to the fall of many people and may be held accountable. Why not use your bubbly personality to bring people to the Lord and being saved.
Right, because my "bubbly personality" has already endowed me with the great skill of telling people to go to hell. It's a technique I've refined for years, so it's great that I can put that to good use converting the blasphemous and ungodly.
John 2:28 And now, my little children, stay in happy fellowship with the Lord so that when He comes you will be sure that all is well, and will not have to be ashamed and shrink back from meeting Him. Since we know that God is always good and does only right, we may rightly assume that all those who do right are His children.
You may want to check out your area for a "Bible Study Fellowship". It is a non-denominational group of women that get together once a week for Bible study. It is nation-wide and a pretty intense study. My church hosts the Bible Study Fellowship for women on Monday nights and there are about 500 women that attend it from all different denominations. It's a study of the Bible not of different religious doctrine. Another church, in Puyallup, has the Bible Study Fellowship on Wednesday mornings.
Then I'd better drop out of grad school and move back to Puyallup, so that I can be set straight. Why would I want to have just one sanctimonious bitch telling me that I'm possibly the antichrist when I could have 500!
I attend a Bible study on Wednesday evenings, studying the Book of Acts, which is about the ministry of Paul (very interesting). Paul (who was Saul before his change), persecuted Christ and the Believers. He was on his way to Damascus when Jesus appeared to him in a bright light that blinded him. Jesus asked Paul why he is persecuting Him and His believers. Go to Acts 22:6-21 to read Paul's account of the Lord coming to him on the road to Damascus.
Is Jesus going to ask me that same question, why I'm persecuting him and his believers? I haven't fed any Christian martyrs to the lions lately as far as I can remember, but then again, I am sort of a ditz sometimes. There was that group of zealous missionaries I tortured to death in an iron maiden awhile back, but that was mainly because they were annoying me, not because they were disciples of Christ, so that doesn't count. Does it?
You may want to invest in a Women's Devotional Bible, New International Version. You will be rewarded by the Lord for those you bring to the Lord. Life on earth is just a breath compared to eternity with the Lord your Father! Please put your talents to winning souls for the Lord instead of victims for satan.
Love always!
Aunt Jesus
From: Aunt Jesus
To: razzy@razzy.org
Subject: Disgraceful!
Razzy,
I am are concerned that you are putting yourself in danger. Your site only attracts perverts and weirdos. Please do not continue this website for your safety.
Love always,
Aunt Jesus
I wrote Aunt Jesus a predictably long-winded reply that I won't bore you with. I refrained from any nasty comments only because at this stage of our correspondence, I was trying to avoid any unnecessary family drama. Since I've already become the black sheep of the fundamentalist wing of our family by befriending the homos, engaging in interracial relationships, and being a "liberal" (although I'm not entirely sure Aunt Jesus understands the distinction between "liberal" and "libertarian"), I decided to argue that as a 12-year veteran of Catholic school I certainly have had no shortage of Bible reading in my life, and that I came to different conclusions about what's in there. Therefore, I disagree that a website comprised mainly of expletive-laden reviews of horror movies and rap albums is a hellworthy offense. I also noted that you can't cross the street in New York without running into some sort of pervert or weirdo, so I had that aspect of my website under control. I pointed out that she's not perfect, either, and that if she didn't like my website she was welcome not to read it. I also gave her the first of several warnings about continuing to send me bullshit e-mails about her opinion on whether or not I'm worthy of salvation, because at the very least it's rude and none of her business.
From: Aunt Jesus
To: razzy@razzy.org
Subject: Disgraceful!
Dear Razzy,
Pull in the horns!! I was just concerned about you. I'm sorry that you took it as condemming you!
We have all sinned, thank God for Jesus Christ who died and paid for our sins! The Lord uses sinners just like he used Paul and David to bring others to the Lord. Jesus did spend time with sinners, but He didn't participate in sin or encourage it! I've paid a high price for my sins and didn't want you to go down that road of heartache, too! I asked Christ into my life and to be my Savior, so I know my sins from the past have been washed away and forgotten by the Lord, thanks to Jesus! He paid a big price for all of us. If you saw someone you love drowning wouldn't you do something? I couldn't sleep that night I was so worried about you.
Take care and God bless you!
Love always,
Aunt Jesus
I mistook her semi-contrite tone to mean that she wasn't going to be bothering me anymore, so I went about my normal business. Just when I thought it was safe to check my e-mail again, Aunt Jesus decided to stir things up with some words of wisdom about the gays and the scientists.
From: Aunt Jesus
To: razzy@razzy.org
Subject: I'm not giving up on you or your salvation!
My dearest niece, Razzy,
Here is the info straight from the Bible, the best source for your salvation. Everytime you read the Bible, the Lord enlightens you more about Him and His message for you!
Homosexuality
Leviticus 20:13 The penalty for homosexual acts is death to both parties. They have brought it upon themselves.
Oh, okay. Well that settles that. I guess I'd better starting killing half of my friends. Clearly my penitence requires commission of some hate crimes in the name of Jesus...I mean, it is in the Bible, right?
I had a feeling that this particular quote was chosen as an underhanded dig-by-proxy at my dad Raz-Ma-Taz, who had caused an uproar at a family dinner when he asked her if she'd seen Brokeback Mountain, which precipitated a hysterical attack on "the queers."
Also, read Romans 1:18-32. God created the heavens and the earth in 6 days (6 actual days). I have a friend with lots of facts on the subject. If you would like to talk to him about it, I could arrange a meeting with him, most likely.
Thanks, but I think I'll skip the creationist indoctrination session as well as the "God Hates Fags" rally. Over Christmas I had the opportunity to read a brochure of Aunt Jesus's creationist "facts", and it was a bunch of nonsensical, pseudo-scientific argument about how carbon dating is inaccurate and the world is only 4000 years old, not 4 billion. Also, according to this lore, the Ice Age (there was only one as far as these people are concerned) was caused by the flood which Noah escaped on his fabled Ark. There's nothing intelligent about this theory of "intelligent design," and I have no interest in reenacting the Scopes monkey trial with myself and Aunt Jesus in the leading roles. First of all, she's no William Jennings Bryan in terms of her command of fiery rhetoric. Second, I'm not going to even try to explain the molecular basis of evolutionary change to a woman who herself came up a few genes short in our bloodline's Mendelian lottery. Granted, my scientific reasoning is undoubtedly flawed, as I'm getting my science Ph.D. at a shitty school like Columbia. It's not like it's a reputable institution of higher learning like Bob Jones University or something.
As far as our salvation, read Acts 4:12.
Love always,
Your Aunt Jesus, who loves you and cares about you!
p.s. I recommend www.thecoralridgehour.com for you as a great source for Christians.
At this point, I got pretty sick of Aunt Jesus's e-mails cluttering up my inbox, so I thought that I would attempt to instruct her clearly but somewhat tactfully to not e-mail me anymore.
From: razzy@razzy.org
To: Aunt Jesus
Subject: Re: I'm not giving up on you and your salvation!
Aunt Jesus,
Please don't send me any more emails of this nature. Either you can agree to disagree with me, and respect my request that you not bombard me with your fundamentalist propaganda, or I will block you from emailing me any more.
And if this has something to do with the "Brokeback Mountain" incident that occurred with my dad the other night (I can only assume that's why you're sending me quotes from Leviticus about death to the gays), then I think it's incredibly inappropriate for you to be involving me. Furthermore, many of my dearest friends are gay, and I will not tolerate or condone your message of hate as far as they are concerned.
DO NOT email me about this stuff anymore. I am not kidding.
Love Razzy
From: Aunt Jesus
To: razzy@razzy.org
Subject: Sorry, Razzy, but it isn't fundamentalist propaganda!
It is The Word from the Bible whether you like it or not! if you don't believe me go to the Bible. If you are a true friend to your gay friends, you would tell them about the Lord and what they are doing is sin, no matter how you try to sugar coat it. God loves your gay friends and doesn't want them to go to hell! Maybe he wants to use you to bring them to salvation! turn to the Bible, Razzy, and you will see what i am saying is the truth.
Love always,
Aunt Jesus
Attention all my gay friends: there's one quote in the Bible about how you guys are sinful and going to hell. Sorry I've been sugar coating the fact that you will burn in eternal torment, but if it's any consolation, I'll probably be there too. At least we'll all be able to hang out and talk shit together just like during the good old days at Smith.
At this point, though, this exchange stopped being funny and started to get pathetic. Sort of like trying to teach advanced calculus to a first-grader who just learned how to subtract. Besides, I was concerned that merely entertaining these e-mails was actually making me stupider. I decided to send one final e-mail that pulled no punches:
From: razzy@razzy.org
To: Aunt Jesus
Subject: Re: Sorry, Razzy but it isn't fundamentalist propaganda!
Aunt Jesus,
I am very disappointed that you are completely unwilling to respect my wishes not to contact me with this crap. I am sick of reading your backward and ignorant views, and arguing with you about it is pointless, since you have neither the intellectual capacity nor the worldliness to understand anything beyond the select passages your bible study feeds you. Furthermore, you obviously lack the social skills to comprehend when you are insulting and upsetting someone you claim to love, so I realize that I can no longer use reason to deal with you. Despite my repeated requests not to send me emails of this nature, you somehow feel that it's your duty to harangue me constantly about the sinful nature of my soul. All I asked is that you keep your views to yourself. Since you continue to show me a complete lack of respect, I will return the favor. By tomorrow, all of your emails to me will be posted on my website, complete with my highly acidic commentary. It's unfortunate that you can't simply respect my wishes and pray for me in silence, if you are so determined to save my errant soul. But since you can't seem to keep your holier-than-thou opinions to yourself, I'm afraid that I have no choice but to make my opinions known to the masses and out you for the judgmental hypocrite that you are. I'm sure you'll have something to say about this, but as far as I'm concerned, you can go where you're so willing to condemn everyone else: straight to hell.
Razzy
From: Aunt Jesus
To: razzy@razzy.org
Subject: Re: Sorry, Razzy but it isn't fundamentalist propaganda!
Razzy,
Praise the Lord!!! What satan means for evil God turns to good! You will be spreading the word of the Lord!
Love always,
Aunt Jesus
Well, I'm always happy to do my part to spread the gospel message. I'm sure that the vast majority of my readers will be renounce their inherently sinful ways and TiVo every episode of the "700 Club" from now on.
From: Aunt Jesus
To: razzy@razzy.org
Hi, Razzy!
So what you are saying is that I need to hang around with sexual perverts to be worldly and have a gutter website to be intelligent! You are ignorant of your own shame! Check out my website, It is free of porno and gutter talk. Does the parents of that little boy on your website know that you are using him for your porno site? I'm hoping you will post my comments on your website. Maybe it will open the eyes of som of your viewers!
Love always,
Aunt Jesus
Since when was there "porno" on RAZZY.org? That's news to me. It's strange, because usually I have a sixth sense for mystery porn. I guess there's one picture of an ugly man's penis and a can of deodorant on the Rejects page, and another picture of me fellating a balloon hat on the RazzyBio page, and of course there's the "King Slut" photo spread, so maybe that's what she's talking about. In fairness, I can't argue with the point she makes about "gutter talk"...I do have a very bad fucking habit of saying all types of inappropriate shit about stupid assholes. Since she didn't send me the actual link to her website, I can't compare it to RAZZY.org, but I imagine that it probably looks something like this. Click here to hear her message and be saved.
Given the commentary I've received thus far from the peanut gallery of the damned, I don't think my readers are going to be saved:
"I can empathize with Paul nee Saul, as I am now blinded by the bright light of her overzealous punctuation. This is tottaly tottlez, dood. Word on the street is that Christ closes the docks at 144K, but Satan's place never shows that no vacancy sign, or rather, the internet doesn't. Bless indeed." -FalloniousMonk
"Omy, this sucks and is awful and at the same time so entertaining." -Miss Corbutt
"Your aunt really is fucking nuts. You should ask her if, as mandated in Leviticus, she leaves city limits each month during her period until she can be ritually bathed and made clean at the end of each sinful bodily function." -Morrissey'sHair
"THAT IS FREAKING HYSTERICAL."-JerseyGirl
"OH. MY. GOD."-Wmania
"I read that bit on razzy.org about Aunt Jesus and it had me in stitches. Anyway, I then coincidentally went the the BBC website and found this story and felt the coincidence too great to not share... Finally, a place in the world for Aunt Jesus:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/4685298.stm
Anyway, that exchange with Aunt Jesus is awesome. I'm sure putting your family dramas out there is a bit painful, but damn they're funny."-BigBagel
"What a ridicolos (phonetically spelled) woman." -J-Sexy
"I can't read any more." -Francophile
"Razzy, I know you'll be terribly disappointed, but I have decided to remove you from my correspondence list." -Aunt Jesus
"It's about damn time." -Razzy
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