Are you always this much of an asshole?

Not always. Since I have mad skills with Microsoft Excel, I constructed this pie chart to graphically represent how I behave the rest of the time. As you can see, while most of my time is devoted to acting like an asshole, I am slightly more complex than that. Also note that you don't see "modest," "humble," or "abashed" anywhere.

Why do you pick on lesbians so much? Are you a homophobe?

Simple: they're just easy to pick on. Since I dabble in dykeyness myself, I feel totally comfortable mocking them with impunity. And no, I am not a homophobe, dumbass. I wouldn't have lasted 5 minutes in Northampton, MA AKA Lesbianville, USA if I was. Don't believe me? Well, there's a video out there somewhere demonstrating exactly how opposed I am to girl-on-girl action...I'm on a girl (actually, two), so that should be enough of an indication that I'm not opposed at all. And you can ask all the other bitches whose snatches I've licked if that's not enough for you.

Do your parents know about your website?

Yes, and they hate it. I don't think any parent wants to read their precious little girl's profanity-laden rants about the idiots trying to fuck her, or look at pictures of her drunk on Colt 45 and semi-clothed in compromising positions. Fortunately, they have informed me that, consistent with our established Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy regarding some of my more parent-unfriendly lifestyle choices, they will never read RAZZY.org so I can freely discuss my reasons for being a damn heathen without concern for parental retribution. The rest of my extended family may or may not read it (according to my mom, it's been a heated topic of discussion since the whole Aunt Jesus debacle), which should make for some interesting get-togethers come next Christmas.

Do you have any siblings, and are they as funny as you/do they have websites?

I have a younger brother, Lil' Tevie, and no, he is not online, although he is very funny. I can't prove that to you, because he would be very angry if I posted the pictures I have of him dressed as 50 Cent. He is an elementary school teacher, and he is too responsible and too good of a role model to stoop to my level. Additionally, he is quiet, respectful, and essentially the antithesis of me, and I think he considers me a social liability. Therefore, I think it's doubtful that Lil' Tevie will be a presence on the web anytime soon.

Do you make fun of every guy who hits on you?

If I did, do you think I would ever get laid? No, dumbass. I'm too busy rocking the worlds of the hot guys (and ladies) who proposition me to make fun of them.

I can't tell if you have large breasts or not. What is your bra size?

34B most of the time, but 34C at Victoria's Secret. Their sizing is fucked. Whether that's "large" or not is subjective, but I personally think they're the perfect size. Big enough to be noticeable, but not so big as to be prone to sagging or cause chronic back pain.

You seem cool, but then you're into Lord of the Rings and really geeky stuff like that. Are you a closet nerd?

I'm getting a Ph.D. in science, I rock a lab coat on the regular, and yes, I own all three extended edition DVDs of LOTR. I would say that makes me decidely out of the closet about my nerdiness. However, I draw the line at fantasy role-playing games (ie: D&D or Magic), obsession with anime, watching any iteration of "Star Trek," collecting medieval paraphernalia/weaponry, or attending Renaissance faires. That line is the difference between someone charmingly dorky and a masturbating shut-in.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

An industrial robber baron. Specifically, I want to be the Bill Gates of Biotechnology. Actually, the Paul Allen, because I want to buy a NFL franchise with my fortune. Then I am going to be President and make receiving oral sex from willing interns an American tradition.

You know a lot about pop culture. Where do you get your knowledge from?

Where does anyone get knowledge from? I READ, moron, and not just for school. I actually have a severe and expensive Barnes and Noble habit. I also watch a shit-ton of TV, pay attention to song lyrics, and generally participate in modern-day life. Oh, right, and I have high-speed internet access.

Okay, so you're not into commitment, and you claim to be awfully skanky. Have you ever had a lasting or meaningful relationship?

I went out with a guy for three years when I was in college, and we only really broke up because I graduated and moved back to the P-N-Dub, and we were both too smart to attempt the long distance thing. He lives in NYC, and we're still friends. In fact, I keep waiting for him to send me a current picture so I can add him to the Hot Jews list, because the only flattering picture I can find of him features me laying across his lap in glasses and a pair of hideous OVERALLS (give me a break, it was 1998 and I was 19 and tearing up the Smith College fashion scene), and there's no way I'm putting that shit on the internet for the world to see. It is possible, therefore, for my icy heart to thaw enough to fall in love. But it doesn't happen very often, and it hasn't really happened since. My last official "boyfriend" (in 2004) turned out to be a gay cokehead who put pictures of himself on the internet sticking sex toys up his own ass, and then posted a vicious fuck-you! No, fuck you! instant message correspondence between the two of us on his site (which is now thankfully off the internet...it was the kind of thing that makes your eyes burn just looking at it. I guess all his hosting fees went up his nose). Since then, I've been happily single.

Do you ever want to get married or have kids?

I don't waste my time speculating about my future family life. Much like the Westside Connection, I have one objective: world domination. Like that organization of highly motivated, extremely aggressive gangsters-turned-businessmen, I spend my time worrying about my future global empire, not small-time shit like when I can get my MRS degree and ruin my vagina by squeezing a litter of screaming brats out of it.

Where is the weirdest place you've had sex?

The bathroom in Baggage Claim #4 at Bradley International Airport in Windsor Locks, CT.

What is your pet peeve?

People who use terms like "pet peeve." I'm not a fan of internet acronyms like LOL, ROFLMAO, TTYL, TTFN, and the like. Also, I hate it when "a lot" is spelled as one word. Learn how to use the space bar, you fucktards.

What is your weakness?

Booze. It's also one of my strengths. Or at least I think it is, when I'm drunk.

Why are you such a narcissist/arrogant/self-righteous jerk?

Because I met too many whiny bitches in constant need of validation from others at Smith College. I decided to just cut out the middleman, and validate myself.

Are you afraid of anything?

Spiders. I don't care how good they are for controlling populations of nuisance insects. When I see them, I scream like a girl and demand that they get stepped on, swatted, or otherwise crushed to death.

Do you have a MySpace page?

I refused for a long time to do this, but finally I succumbed to the inevitable doom of me. I add everyone, which explains why so many of my MySpace associates appear to be degenerates. So feel free to go e-befriend me:

http://www.myspace.com/razzyorg

If you could have sex with anyone in human history (ie: your fantasy guy), who would it be?

It's a three-way tie:

1. Octavian, AKA Caesar Augustus

The O.G. Roman Emperor...that pretty much says it all. Don't get me started about his pussy adopted uncle Julius. Not only did he get assassinated, but he never achieved a higher title than dictator. Octavian became EMPEROR, rocked the tits off what was left of the Roman Senate, and laid waste to his enemies. Any man who can beat the rich aristocrats at their own political games, subjugate the barbarian hordes, and unite most of the known world under his rule is not only worthy of having an awesome dog named after him, but also getting busy with said dog's owner...namely, me.

2. Vince Neil circa 1984

Vince is fat and puffy now, but back in the '80s when the Crue was in its heyday, he was one of the only guys rocking long hair and women's clothing who I would consider FINE AS HELL. Also, when I was in college I had an incredibly vivid dream that young Vince Neil was in full makeup from the "Shout at the Devil" video fucking me doggystyle, and I've really never gotten over that. Man, that was a good dream.

3. Ramses II, Pharoah of Egypt, as portrayed by Yul Brynner

I sure wouldn't have wanted to be Moses if I had to argue with this bald hottie about delivering the Hebrews from the brick pits of Goshen to the Promised Land. Ramses not only was ballsy enough to tell both the president of the NRA and Yahweh/I Am Who Am/God himself to fuck off, but also was well aware of what a choice specimen he was (surprisingly choice, considering he was the product of centuries of dynastic inbreeding). For example, when informing (his hot sister) Nefertiri that she was going to marry him and promptly consummate the relationship, he spits badass game like "Whether you enjoy it or not is your affair. But I think you will." Ramses's legend as the Studliest Pharoah Ever has stood the test of time...you don't see any condom brands named Thutmose, Ptolemy, or Akhenaton, do you?

I have some ideas for your website. Do you want to hear them?

Not really. While it certainly is taxing coming up with all this brilliant shit myself, I've somehow managed to do so for the past year without anyone's help. If you have ideas, here's a novel suggestion: AUTHOR YOUR OWN FUCKING WEBSITE.

Are you a natural blonde?

That depends on what you mean. Yes, I naturally have blonde hair on my head, arms, and legs, although I do hit the bottle to make it more sunshine and less dishwater. However, the carpet doesn't match the drapes, if you get my drift. That is a myth about the true mark of a "natural blonde"...it only applies if you're an albino.

Do you ever feel bad about embarrassing the Rejects on the internet?

Ugly people who have the audacity to hit on me deserve to be publicly humiliated. And so what if they wouldn't have tried to unsuccessfully mack it to me had they known they'd be going on the Rejects page. When you put your picture and personal information on the internet, it's fair game as far as I'm concerned. If you want your privacy protected, then don't join an online community of Friendsters and start propositioning strangers. I wouldn't flip out if someone pulled pictures of me off this site and used it to mock me on the internet, because that's just the risk inherent in putting your image online for the world to see. Any of the Rejects are welcome to put my picture up on their websites and make fun of me.

I don't believe some of the ridiculous things you say. Are you lying about anything on your website, like, for example, your boyfriends?

Lying? Of course not! I really am simultaneously dating R. Kelly, 50 Cent, and Ernest Hemingway. Or maybe I'm not. I'll let you deduce this one on your own, Einstein...but I'll give you a hint: most people with intelligence equal or greater than a slime mold realize that "useless bullshit" does not imply 100% accuracy.

I thought The Da Vinci Code was a really good book! Why are you always making snide remarks about it?

Because it's right up there with other literary masterpieces like The Babysitters Club and Sweet Valley High, you know, books written for the discerning fifth-grader. In fairness, I haven't actually read The Da Vinci Code, because I once read Dan Brown's "prequel" to it, Angels and Demons on a cross-country flight, and was on the verge of murdering someone by the time the plane landed. Dan Brown's writing style is an enraging combination of facile, one-dimensional characters and snobby, pretentious sentence structure. This book manages to be stupid and improbable, but at the same time, unbearably condescending in tone. You know that Dan Brown wrote this shit, then grabbed his copy of Roget's and started switching out polysyllabic synonyms for every other word. For example:

Although a tough teacher and strict disciplinarian, Langdon was the first to embrace what he hailed as the "lost art of good clean fun." He relished recreation with an infectious fanaticism that had earned him a fraternal acceptance among his students. His campus nickname, "The Dolphin," was a reference both to his affable nature and his legendary ability to dive into a pool and outmaneuver the entire opposing squad in a water polo match.

I know during my undergraduate years, there's nothing I liked better after a rigorous symbology class than to get my ass kicked in water polo by my middle-aged yet ruggedly handsome professor. That must be why Dan Brown's protagonist teaches at Harvard; only Ivy League professors are able to balance strict discipline with "good clean fun." Since they are the cream of the crop, it's not unusual for these academics to get sucked into international conspiracies somehow involving the Vatican, art history, the end of the world, a secret society, and a hot foreign chick (who happens to be a deep sea diver, applied quantum physicist, theologian, and yoga guru, as most random hot foreign chicks tend to be) at a moment's notice. Unless your name is Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, you teach archaeology at Smith College, and you've killed or beat up (or helped God kill) at least 100 Nazis, I'm not buying your professor-by-day, international-adventurer-by-night schtick.

To make things worse, the end of Angels and Demons reveals that the bad guy is the son of the recently deceased pontiff and a nun, who didn't have sex, but had fucking in vitro fertilization with the Vatican's blessing! Obviously Dan Brown hasn't been to Sunday school lately, because if there's one thing the Catholic Church frowns on as much as the ordained violating their vows of chastity, it's any kind of reproductive technology. Per the Holy See, the Pill is off limits, so you bet your sweet ass they aren't encouraging the high-ranking clergy (like the fucking POPE!) to have test tube babies. This book is so fucking ridiculous I almost can't believe that it's been reviewed as "a breathless, real-time adventure...exciting, fast paced, with an unusually high IQ" (The San Francisco Chronicle), "a pulse-quickening, brain-teasing adventure" (People), "exceedingly clever...a considerable achievement" (The Washington Post), and "a thundering, tantalizing, extremely smart fun ride" (Chicago Tribune). Since when did lines like "'You've never been to bed with a yoga master, have you?" constitute "a considerable achievement"? This book must have been reviewed by a classroom of the mentally challenged, because that's the only way I see possible that they were shaken to their intellectual cores by this crap.

The Da Vinci Code is even worse, because when people read it, and they think they are experts on everything involving Catholic theology and Church history. Furthermore, fans of the book talk about it like it's a history text and not a FUCKING WORK OF FICTION. For example, you might say something accurate like "there's no evidence that Jesus was fucking Mary Magdalene" and some asshole will quip, "Oh yes, there is! Didn't you read The Da Vinci Code?" These people are encouraged by shows on the History Channel called "Cracking The Da Vinci Code" and the like, which take valuable airtime away from shows about Ancient Egypt, Hitler, and "History's Mysteries".

I don't need to readThe Da Vinci Code to know that it sucks ass, and as you can see, it pisses me off to the point that I've spent a whole six paragraphs ranting about it. I'm not saying that if you liked The Da Vinci Code, you are stupid. In fact, I bet you knocked the other mouth-breathers in your book club out with your brilliant insights on Robert Langdon's art history-related hijinks at the Louvre or wherever. I'm just saying that you are an idiot, and you should try extending your hunt for great literature beyond the bestseller rack at the Wal-Mart checkout.

UPDATE: I read The Da Vinci Code and it sucked rank sagging balls as hard as I anticipated it would.

Why do you spend time working on a website? And why do you try so hard to offend people?

I started this website as a poorly conceived attempt at making money via advertising. I quickly realized, however, that my 5 readers could find Amazon.com all by themselves, so I realized that I wasn't an effective wealth-acquiring strategy. However, I enjoy having a creative outlet to express myself and since I'm not really the "Dear Diary" journal-keeping type, RAZZY.org is it. Since I find myself incredibly amusing, I don't even really give a shit if anyone reads this site or not. I'm not TRYING to offend anyone, but I can't help it if uptight motherfuckers stumble across my site and get pissed off. That's just the risk inherent in spending your whole day dicking around on the internet. If you think I'm reprehensible, then go join my Aunt Jesus's prayer group or something, because in the immortal words of Dr. Dre's backup singer on the original Chronic, I don't give a fuck.

I don't believe that you spend all day killing animals. Are you really a scientist, or are you just making things up to upset people?

I only make things up to amuse people. Anything upsetting is generally the truth. If you don't believe me, see for yourself:

Here I am giving a mouse a peritoneal cavity full of poliovirus type 1, Mahoney strain. He's anesthetized, by the way, so don't worry about the agonizing expression on his little mousey face. That's just because I'm pinching the scruff of his neck so as not to get bitten in case he wakes up.

Here I am about to humanely sacrifice a mouse in my ghetto homemade carbon dioxide chamber. It might not look pretty, although my clever rodent jolly roger artwork does jazz it up a bit, but it offs the mice in 30 seconds or less. I'll omit showing you one of my graphic dissection shots, since I think these pics of science in action should be proof enough that indeed I am a virology nerd with a lot of in vivo work under my belt. And this really should not upset people. If it weren't for animal research, modern medicine would be in the fucking dark ages. Most humans aren't willing to volunteer for pathogenesis studies that require removal of vital organs, so you have to do this in animals. Think about that the next time you pop an Advil for your PMS, P.E.T.A. bitches. Also, I actually do follow all the guidelines and protocols with regard to animal care and compassionate treatment, even if they're disgusting-ass mice. I feel it's only fair that I minimize their suffering if they give their lives for my thesis. Besides, it's not like I'm doing experiments on a likeable animal, like a dog.

You aren't as good looking as you seem to think you are. What makes you think you're so sexy?

Well, I don't. I think that sometimes I am relatively attractive, and I know what my strengths are. I have great T&A, and my eyes are pretty too. Other than that, it's not like I'm Gisele or someone really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking. However, when compared to other female scientists, I'm a fucking fox and a half.

What is "the P-N-Dub?"

The Pacific Northwest, where I am originally from. Get it? PNW. P-N-Dub.

Next question? I know you people have more.