This is the rap feud of the century which unfortunately ended in the murder of both stars. As stars and exemplars of maturity, these two stars started feuding over which was better in the mid-nineties, the East Coast or West Coast. Tupac accused his ex-friend Biggie and his producer Sean "Puffy" Combs (now known as "Diddy" for anyone who happens to live in Kabul or somewhere this news hasn't reached) of trying to shoot him. This theory was validated when Tupac was shot 5 times and nearly died in a New York recording studio in 1994, and Biggie put out a song entitled, "Who Shot Ya?" Biggie's pal Chino XL also challenged Pac's macho sexuality, stating in a song that he'd been raped numerous times in prison. After that the two had a falling out, causing Tupac to release the greatest diss song in history, "Hit 'Em Up", in which he brags truthfully about having sex with Biggie's wife, R&B singer Faith Evans ("that's why I fucked yo bitch, you fat motherfucker", "you claim to be a player but I fucked your wife"). Frankly, I think Faith Evans was pretty smart to bone 2Pac, because if given the choice between bedding a morbidly obese man with breathing problems or a shirtless guy with a ripped physique courtesy of the prison weight room, I would have picked Pac as well. Anyway, in "Hit 'Em Up" Pac disses Biggie's entire crew by mocking Lil' Kim's alleged drug problem and Prodigy from Mobb Deep's battles with sickle-cell anemia, and then threatens to murder them and their entire families ("my fo-fo make sho all your kids don't grow"). Of course we all know how this ends...both Tupac and Biggie get shot to death. Both cases remain unsolved. While this isn't a particularly amusing rap beef, it is one of the originals and perhaps the best known. Fortunately, all the East-West nonsense seems to have died down since this one.
WINNER: A draw. But since both are dead, I'd say they both wound up losing.
2. Andre "Dr. Dre" Young vs. Eric "Eazy-E" Wright
After the breakup of N.W.A., Dr.Dre released his first solo album, The Chronic, which remains to this day one of the greatest masterpieces of ALL TIME. The departure from his old group was not amicable, due to bad blood all around. This prompted Dre and his new pal Snoop to make the video for their single "Fuck Wit Dre Day" to feature a character with a suspiciously Eazy-E-like jericurl sitting under a freeway overpass holding a sign reading "Will Rap for Food." Eazy responded by titling his entire next album It's On (187 Um) Dr. Dre Killa. This beef continued until Dre attempted to apologize to Eazy on his deathbed.
Winner: Dr. Dre, since he never called anyone a fag and then died of AIDS. Besides, as much as I love "Real Muthafuckin G'z" and old school N.W.A., Eazy never put out anything remotely close to the timeless Chronic CDs. Deeeeez nutz!
3. Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson vs. the rest of the world
50 Cent has so much beef he ought to open a burger joint. Fitty (who I am completely obsessed with) has basically promoted himself through the arguments and disagreements he has with not only other rappers, but essentially anyone unlucky enough to venture into his lyrical crosshairs. 50 argues that he needs spontanaity and conflict to keep him fresh creatively, or as he puts it, "I can't say lines like 'I love you like a fat kid love cake' when I'm being dead serious." Here I shall attempt to sum up his greatest:
50 Cent vs. Jeffrey "Ja Rule" Atkins
According to my brother, Lil' Tevie, who knows all things 50 Cent and Ja Rule-related, this started when one of Fitty's grade-school buddies robbed Ja Rule for his chain. Subsequently, Fitty was allegedly stabbed by some guys in Ja Rule's posse. Then Ja and Murder, Inc. CEO Irv Gotti started the rumor that Fitty is a "snitch," as they were both named in a restraining order he filed against them. Since he didn't appreciate being labeled as a police informant, Fitty has since compared Ja to Cookie Monster, made fun of his height, and trashed him for being a "pop tart sweetheart" who spends too much time "jumping around in the rain on TV with Mary J. Blige." What's most amusing is that 50 Cent is slowly fulfilling all the items on the Becoming Ja Rule checklist. Sing a couple crappy duets with a talentless fake-titted hack like Olivia/Ashanti? Check. Tell everyone you're a badass gangsta from the streets and then release a "love song"? Check. Pretty much all Fitty has to do is star in a straight-to-video Steven Seagal movie and they'll have identical resumes. Ja Rule seems to be less concerned about 50 Cent than the other way around, however, as he has been relatively quiet on this matter, with the exception of one vague and completely ridiculous song about Ja Rule's prowess in NYC, "New York, New York." Fitty, on the other hand, has launched a smear campaign against "The Rule" and all his subsidiaries and collaborators, including Fat Joe, Jadakiss, R. Kelly, Ashanti, and anyone who has ever been within a two-block radius of Ja.
WINNER: Come on, is this even a contest? Ja Rule has finally answered his own question, "Where would I be without my baby?" Wallowing in obscurity, bitch, right where you are now. That dude's career is over. 50 is still hating on everyone with a pulse. 50 takes this one.
50 Cent vs. the Gay Community
Like his mentor Eminem, Fitty doesn't shy away from making homophobic comments to the media, including such blunt statements as "I ain't into faggots." Although most of the gay community has either not caught on (being that stations playing Erasure and Everything But the Girl aren't typically spinning "Wanksta" or "Candy Shop"), simply has too much dignity to respond, or gently encourages Fitty to get to know the LBTG community like GLAAD did, 50 remains undeterred in sharing his opinion of gays with the world. Basically it's the same opinion held publicly by every other sexually ambivalent man in the world: he's not down with gay men (so to speak), but "women who like women...that's cool." He also noted that he doubts that there will never be a popular openly gay rapper because "you can't be that aggressive if you're gay," then added, "I mean, some rappers are fruity, but they don't say they're way out in the open." Fitty has reiterated his view on this numerous times, and I'm beginning to wonder if he doesn't protest a little too much. Personally, I think Fitty may be one of the biggest closeted faggots on the planet. Someone should buy him a copy of that Life on the Down Low book. I mean, why is he talking about Ja Rule's "sweet lil' ass" anyway?
WINNER: The gays. Since there are a LOT of rumors going around about Fitty's sexual preferences, should those rumors be true, that would make him one of the gays also. Fabulous! Everyone wins!
50 Cent vs. Jayceon "The Game" Taylor
Starting shit with rappers from other cliques is not enough for Fitty. He actually actively pursues conflicts with artists signed to his own record label. The G-g-g-g-Unit stopped being a happy family when Fitty started problems with The Game. He blamed him for lukewarm critical reactions to his last album The Massacre (although the Game is only on one song on that entire album, and that song, "Hate It or Love It" was a hit), and took credit for writing most of the songs on Game's album The Documentary. Fitty became angry that he was feeling so much pressure to work on helping the Game with his album, saying modestly, "I know my shit is THE shit, you feel me? But just because I'm 50 Cent and I can make hits don't mean that my shit should suffer just so he can get some hits. I got mine...get yours, nigga! I mean, really, look at his "hits"...I'm all over that album, writing and production!...He'll make a little paper and think people are feelin' him, but in reality, they feelin' me and that nigga just ridin' on my work." Then, 50 went on Power105 and declared that on account of "not rolling correctly," the Game should go "make a tune with Nas," as he was officially kicked out of the G-Unit. Simultaneously, the Game was being interviewed on Hot97, and a listener called to tell him that Fitty was dissing him on the air on Power105. At first, the Game decided to take the high road and refused to get involved, saying he wanted "to concentrate on his music," and perfecting that overdone scowl he always wears on his ugly mug. Fitty, not content to talk shit at a rival hip-hop radio station, went over to Hot97 to talk shit to Game in person. Somehow, this ended in a shooting. A shooting outside Hot97 between two rappers' entourages? You're kidding.
To stave off any bad P.R., 50 and Game decided to squash their beef publicly by donating almost $300,000 to the NYC Schaumberg Center for Research in Black Culture with the blessings of the Rev. Al Sharpton. They both gave rather mature statements, with the Game saying, "50 and I are proving that real situations and real problems can be solved with real talk." Fitty agreed, nothing that "Game and I need to set an example in the community."
The Game obviously agreed, because he decided then to use some "real talk" to set a terrific example to the community about solving problems with compromise rather than violence. At (where else?) Hot97 Summerjam in 2005, the Game brought up Fitty's reputation as a snitch and delivered what can be described as anything but real talk designed to solve problems: "I saw a snitch so I ran out of the rat hole and got my cheese. And I'm still like, fuck 50 be mad at me! That nigga don't come outside, that nigga live in Connecticut and he's from New York. I'm a real nigga, and I'm always gonna be one. I will knock Lloyd Banks out, and if Tony Yayo would come outside I would knock his ass out too." This spurred a member of Game's crew dressed as a rat in a G-Unit logo jersey to come on stage and receive a "beat down" at Game's behest, as he threw his platinum G-Unit spinner chain into the crowd in disgust. Then Game reportedly removed his bulletproof vest and taunted 50 to take his best shot.
It's sad to see a family break up, even when it's dysfunction junction like the G-Unit. 50 even managed to piss off Dr. Dre in the course of this feud on account of the disparaging remarks he made to the Game regarding the street credibility of guys from Compton. Maybe one day 50 and Game will see the error of their ways, put their differences aside, and make another awesome song like "How We Do." Come on, guys, it's way better to act the fool when you're up in the club than bitching at each other tiredly like a couple of Smith lesbians embroiled in a nasty breakup.
WINNER: Fitty again, because he's managed to maintain his cultural relevance despite regularly acting the fool. In a sad last gasp for fame, The Game is going to be starring in what will inevitably be a straight-to-video movie starring former Guess? model and R&B singer (as in "I Like Dem Girlz") Tyrese, and I predict that's the last we'll ever see of him.
50 Cent vs. Kimberly "Lil' Kim" Jones
50 started trouble with Lil' Kim when he recorded the song "Magic Stick" with her, and subsequently refused to make a video for the single. Lil' Kim realized that this was going to be the only hit on La Bella Mafia and immediately let her displeasure with 50's refusal to help her promote the single be known to the media. He responded by saying that he never wanted to do a song with Lil' Kim, and only did his part on "Magic Stick" because he thought he was going to be rapping with Trina. 50 hasn't really fostered this beef, but Lil' Kim isn't going to sit idly by. Right before reporting to prison, she told the Associated Press, "How can a man have beef with a woman? Whatever, that's just not cool. If I was selling six, seven million records, I'm not mad at anyone!...You're making money, you're selling millions of records, you should do something with that leverage." Then Kim adds, "I can't front. I don't have a lot of respect for 50 Cent because his music is hardcore...violent."
Is that a criticism? Lil' Kim's first album was titled Hard Core, and with regard to violence, some of her lyrics are as follows:
"I set you up for the right piece a change and have your brains on the dashboard of the Range." (from "Slippin", Naked Truth, 2005).
"I ain't playin with you motherfuckers, I'm sprayin you motherfuckers." (from "Can You Hear Me Now?", La Bella Mafia, 2003).
"I'm next up to bat, motherfuckers get their jaws tapped...we gangstas, gun in the greenroom up at BET, we gangstas, real gangstas, nigga. Kill you and cut the head off your babysitta." (from "The Notorious K.I.M.", The Notorious KIM, 2000).
"Queen bitch, supreme bitch, kill a nigga for my nigga by any means bitch, murder scene bitch, clean bitch, disease-free bitch...Kill a nigga for a figga, how you figga? Your cheddar would be better, Beretta inside of Beretta, nobody do it better. Bet I wet'cha like hurricanes and typhoons, got buffoons eatin' my pussy while I watch cartoons." (from "Queen Bitch", Hard Core, 1996).
Now, I don't think anyone actually believes that Lil' Kim is moonlighting as a hired assassin, decapitating people, or wetting anybody anymore than they believe her claim of being a "disease-free bitch." However, since Lil' Kim certainly engages in plenty of faux "murder scene bitch"-isms herself, I think it's a bit rich for her to criticize 50 Cent for espousing violence. Then again, Lil' Kim is a self-proclaimed chameleon, so I suppose it makes sense that her opinions change just as rapidly as her appearance: right befo' yo' eyes.
WINNER: Since Lil' Kim is in federal prison right now and seems considerably more upset about this than 50, Fitty once again emerges triumphant. Although I do love Lil' Kim, it's hard to say she won when the only response 50 even bothers with is "I thought she was Trina," and when she plays the "how can you have beef with a woman?" card. You can't have it both ways, girlfriend: if you can sing feminist anthems like "I don't want dick tonight, eat my pussy right," then you can't be complaining that it's untoward or inappropriate for men to argue with women. Bitch, get your gender equality ideology right!
50 Cent vs. Oprah Winfrey
Nobody is really sure why Fitty decided to start shit with Oprah, but I suspect he was sitting around his estate in Connecticut, was feeling lonely and sad (as people who live alone in 18-bedroom mansions with no friends are wont to feel), saw few minutes of Oprah's show, and decided to take it out on her. 50 isn't the first rapper to complain about Oprah. Ludacris complained that his appearance on her show to promote the film Crash, said that she was unfair by focusing on his rap lyrics when he wanted to talk about acting and racial discrimination. I guess 50 decided to sound off on this to the Associated Press, even though for some reason he didn't go on the O show to promote his cinematic masterpiece Get Rich or Die Tryin'. "Oprah's audience is my audience's parents, so I could care less about Oprah or her show. I think she caters to older white women." Although Oprah has remained "unavailable for comment," 50 has been more than happy to talk about this as if they are exchanging threats to spray one another with their respective choppers. 50 notes that beefing with Oprah can only enhance his street credibility, because there's nothing that says "authentic gangsta" like mocking a middle-aged talk show host with a boyfriend named Stedman. "I'm actually better off having friction with her," he says. Since Oprah seems to have too much dignity to respond, I can't wait until 50 really gets dirty with his disses. There's a fat joke or two to be made with regard to Oprah on his next album, I am sure of it. I doubt we'll be seeing 50 at the Legends Ball anytime soon.
WINNER: As much as I hate her too, I've got to give this one to Oprah. For one thing, that bitch is a billionaire. For another, I can't really say that 50 gave it to her good when he just picked on her for no reason other than ensuring he stays in the news. So Oprah can't lose a beef she hasn't actually participated in. She still sucks, though.
50 Cent vs. Joseph "Fat Joe" Cartagena
Fitty dissed Fat Joe in the song "Piggy Bank" for no apparent reason except that Fat Joe performed on that crappy "New York, New York" song of Ja Rule's dissing 50 (I'm sorry, Ja, but you DON'T have a semi-automatic that spits the next time that 50 talks). At first, Fat Joe wasn't making a big deal out of 50's criticisms of him, and seemed content to not get involved. However, at the 2005 VMAs, Fat Joe went onstage to introduce Reggaeton stars Tego Calderon, Don Omar, and the incomparable Daddy Yankee (aside to D.Y., no me gusta su gasolina, pervo!), and couldn't resist taking the opportunity to make a snappy quip about 50. "I feel so safe with all the police protection, courtesy of G-Unit," Joe said. Bad idea, because 50 was due onstage immediately afterward with his boys Tony Yayo, Lloyd Banks, and Mobb Deep, where he responded with the clever retort, "Fat Joe's a pussy. Fuck Joe! Fuck Terror Squad!" Then Fat Joe dropped a song entitled "My Fofo" which among other things calls 50 a police informant, a steroid abuser, a crack fiend, a homosexual, a studio gangsta ("you CB4"), and "singing more than you rappin." Pretty bold for a bald gastric bypass candidate who has recorded not one but TWO songs with Jennifer Lopez. Now THAT'S some street shit right there.
WINNER: Fitty again. Fat Joe is a dumbass, and I would never encourage him by declaring him the winner of anything. I think he needs to stay as far out of the spotlight as possible, because I saw MTV Spring Break coverage from a couple years ago where he was performing "What's Luv?" in Mazatlan or wherever with Ashanti and Ja Rule, and decided to follow Ja's example and take his shirt off, thus treating the crowd of drunken frat boys and girls going wild to the sight of his pasty man-tits. Therefore, anything I can do to prevents Fat Joe from having the opportunity to frighten, disgust, and blind an audience of millions I will do. Including declaring him a loser of a public relations-motivated feud with 50 on this website. Stay inside, Joe. And please, for the love of God, stay clothed.
50 Cent vs. Jayson "Jadakiss" Phillips
This beef started because Jadakiss performed on Ja Rule's 50-hating diss record "New York, New York." Jadakiss was a bit taken aback that 50 then dissed him in his "Piggy Bank" song, because he only agreed to guest on Ja's song to boost his own profile, and he thought that 50's feud with Ja was no longer relevant. Jadakiss said, "It wasn't like him and Ja was in the nucleus of what they was going through, I hopped on a song with Ja and it looked like I was going against (50)" Jadakiss's buddy Styles P from the LOX/D-Block verified this, explaining, "Bottom line, business is business, Ja is a big record seller...to sit there and think (Jadakiss) got beef with 50 is ridiculous."
However, the LOX's attempts to squash this beef were in vain, because 50 is SO GOOD at this! He evades any direct response and just throws gasoline on the fire. In an interview with XXL, he responded, "When they are in their articles they say 'Fuck 50' off the record. But they won't say it to my face. The difference between them and me is I don't have a problem saying 'fuck them' in front of them." Then 50 insults Jadakiss's record sales, and he has a point. Apart from appearing on J-Lo's appalling aural abortion "Jenny from the Block" and becoming a favorite pariah for conservative pundits when he accused President Bush of orchestrating the attacks of September 11th (leading Bill O'Reilly to call him a "smear merchant"), what the fuck has Jadakiss really done? How many of his albums (including the ones with the LOX) do you own? Jadakiss should be thankful that Fitty is giving him the free publicity.
WINNER: Fitty. Again, who the fuck is Jadakiss? His ass IS local.
50 Cent vs. Robert Sylvester Kelly
Nobody's really sure why 50 is beefing with Kells, except that it might have something to do with R. Kelly singing the hook for two Ja Rule songs. The rivalry was first manifested by 50 Cent mockingly singing "I Believe I Can Fly" and "Bump and Grind" at the Hot97 Summer Jam concert in 2004 (R. Kelly was the headlining act), then pretending to urinate all over the crowd, a reference to the infamous videotape of R. Kelly giving a golden shower to his teenaged partner. The Kells faithful didn't take kindly to this, and began throwing chairs onstage. R. Kelly has not responded to 50's disses at all, likely because he's too busy sexing up the young women of the greater Chicago area, and because despite all his talk about packing Berettas, he is, after all, a peaceable R&B thug. It takes 9 bullets to subdue 50, but Kells is easily controlled by pepper spray, which is how his relationship with Jay-Z went down in flames on their "Unfinished Business" tour. Musical rivalries aside, Ja Rule affiliation is not the only reason why these two don't play nicely together. In fact, I'm personally in a position to offer a little insight on this matter. See for yourself:
Last summer, I thought my numerous boyfriends and I could all get along like one big happy Mormon family, so I invited both Curtis and Robert to attend the West Indian Day Parade in Brooklyn, where I was (obviously) representing Jamaica. Needless to say, apart from eating some awesome roti, the day was a disaster. Because Fitty and Kells are always jockeying for superior positions on my Boyfriends list, they both outdid themselves in terms of making a scene and dressing inappropriately. Even though it was like 90 degrees out, Curtis showed up in an ankle-length chinchilla and spent the whole day on the verge of passing out from heat stroke. Kells, meanwhile, kept trying to spirit me away in his helicopter (well, his pretend helicopter, because he's not actually a pilot, he just made that up to seem more impressive than Fitty). The day ended with them bickering like a couple of three-year-olds, and I ditched them both and rode the damn 2 train home in disgust. I realized that, as inconvenient as it is for me, I need to keep all my boyfriends separate because bringing them together just causes trouble. Anyway, 50 and the R-uh would be just fine with one another if they weren't vigorously competing for attention from a prime specimen like myself. However, since I just can't choose one or the other (I mean, if I say I like chocolate, does that mean I never get to have vanilla again? How's a girl supposed to decide?), I predict this feud with continue indefinitely.
WINNER: A draw. Like I said, I can't choose between these two, both of whom I deeply adore. But Kells gets maturity props for not even bothering to respond to 50's accusations.
50 Cent vs. Jamal "Shyne" Barrow
Currently Shyne is doing 10 years for that 1999 incident involving Puff Daddy and a gun. Since Diddy got off any serious charges by rolling on Shyne, Shyne spent the first five years of his sentence talking shit about Sean Combs and Bad Boy records. I guess he got bored, though, so he decided to get some media coverage by releasing a tape of him freestyling (read: ranting semi-rhythmically via phone to his attorney), in which he makes fun of 50's rapping style and calls him a snitch. Consequently, 50 included a line in his infamous "Piggy Bank" diss track in which he threatens to have Shyne murdered in prison.
WINNER: 50 again, since Shyne has another four years left to be the anal queen of Attica before he can get back on the scene and settle his differences with Fitty by busting shots at his entourage outside of Hot97.
50 Cent vs. Nasir "Nas" Jones
4. Marshall "Eminem" Mathers vs. Raymond "Benzino" Scott
5. Christopher "Ludacris" Bridges vs. Bill O'Reilly
O'Reilly hates rap music, as anyone who has watched "The Factor" can attest. He believes it is rife with sex, violence, and obscenity, and that it, alongside Michael Moore's propaganda films, is responsible for society's moral decline. I recall watching an episode a couple years ago in which O'Reilly laid into Cam'ron about how he "harms children" while a near-hysterical Damon Dash attempted to argue on the utterly inarticulate Cam'ron's behalf that he is a businessman and a community role model. O'Reilly probably realized that he would have a hard time making a pariah out of a guy like Cam'ron, who has lyrics like "you smoke, I smoke, you drink, me too, okay, let's get it on tonight" and "my chicks is the models, they cooch is the juicest." Not juiciest, but "juicest." Brilliant! Anyway, O'Reilly instead directed his attentions toward Ludacris, who has a larger repertoire of songs for O'Reilly to pick on to his delight, describing him as "a man who is demeaning to just about everybody, and is peddling antisocial behavior." One would think these two would be kindred spirits, considering they're both avid sexual fantasizers (Ludacris talks about doing it "on the top of my Escalade", while O'Reilly prefers to hop in the shower and soap up his uninterested female employees with a falafel sandwich). In any event, O'Reilly got wind that Ludacris was about to be signed as a spokesman for Pepsi and, although O'Reilly does admit that Luda is "not as bad as [genocidal Cambodian dictator who murdered or starved 2 million of his own people] Pol Pot," he used his show to launch a Pepsi boycott. This cost Ludacris the endorsement deal, but no matter. Ludacris promptly released two songs dissing O'Reilly. "Hoes in my Room" from his album Chicken 'n' Beer , blames O'Reilly for letting hoes into Ludacris's room who, among other things, have "tupperware titties" and "pussy smells like Pepe Le Pew." The other references O'Reilly's recent sex harassment suit, as he urges O'Reilly to "kiss the plaintiff and the wifey" on his latest album, Red Light District.
WINNER: Ludacris, because he never sexually harassed anyone by referencing Middle Eastern food, and therefore retains all street credibility. He also drove a Louis Vuitton-printed souped-up rice burner in 2 Fast 2 Furious and that's just way funnier than anything O'Reilly has ever done, intentionally or otherwise.
6. Kimberly "Lil' Kim" Jones vs. Inga "Foxy Brown" Marchand
This feud is basically due to the competition between Lil' Kim and Foxy as the top Bedford-Stuyvesant natives in hip hop. Also, they are constantly battling for the title of hottest female rapper (not even a competition unless you throw "Da Baddest Bitch" Trina in the mix!) Starting off as friendly rivalry, it escalated into a shootout between Kim and Foxy's respective crews outside Hot97's studios, which in case you didn't know, is the number one spot in NYC for celebrity-on-celebrity gun violence. Foxy dissed Kim on Capone-N-Noriega's song "Bang Bang," and Kim has dissed Foxy on every album she has dropped since, except possibly the most recent album Naked Truth, where Lil' Caesar and the Junior M.A.F.I.A. have largely replaced Foxy as the favorite target of her ire, since she's cooling her heels in the federal clink on account of their snitching. I'm less interested in the details about their beef than I am in how Foxy Brown got such a Nordic first name. With a name like Inga, I'd expect her to be stuffing her face with lutefisk in the basement of a Lutheran church with my relatives somewhere in Minnesota.
WINNER: While Lil' Kim has pretty much dominated in terms of record sales, neither has made out terribly well. Lil' Kim is doing a year in federal prison for perjury related to the Hot97 incident, and Foxy Brown literally has gone DEAF from what doctors are blaming on a virus because they really don't know what the fuck is wrong with her. So while Lil' Kim technically wins, both continue to suffer great indignity, and debatably could both be called losers.
7. Sean "Jay-Z" Carter vs. Nasir "Nas" Jones
8. Clifford "T.I." Harris vs. Wesley "Lil' Flip" Weston (2005)
One of the more humorous rap feuds, this is sort of like hip-hop backyard wrestling competing for title of "King of the South," which I and pretty much anyone else who has ever listened to a radio would agree is actually Ludacris or one of those guys from OutKast. Still, these two have been making fun of one another on their respective albums and in the media, with T.I. showing anyone who will look a picture of Lil' Flip in a leprechaun outfit and accusing him of being from the suburbs and not his hood in Houston (a similar--and valid--charge was once leveled at Vanilla Ice). In turn, Lil' Flip released a song cleverly called "Fuck Dat Nigga," in which he threatens to murder T.I.'s son and delivers the priceless line with regard to T.I.'s skills as a lyricist, "dat shit ain't worh a goddamn wing dinner, bitch!" In retaliation, T.I. rounded up his Hotlanta crew and stormed into Lil' Flip's hood, where he filmed a Flip-hating DVD at the local Cloverburger. Of course Lil' Flip showed up with his posse, the Clover G'z, who sucker-punched T.I. while Flip (allegedly) cowered behind a car. (If anyone has seen the DVD in question, please email me, I'd love to confirm this.)
However, if you have ever been curious about how Flip might rebut these charges of being "a pussy nigga", I suggest immediately absorbing these clips from the "Beef" documentaries featuring Lil' Flip and the rest of the Cloverland crew speaking a nearly unintelligible dialect of what may be English, showing off their grills and chains, and debasing T.I. and his reputation as a drug-dealing felon/authentic Bankhead stand-up guy. Extra special thanks to my consultant Morrissey'sHair, who took time out from his busy schedule helping the financially fucked with their legal problems to alert me to the presence of these clips, or as he called it, his "assiduous guerilla research." In any event, watch this because it's fucking OUT OF CONTROL hilarious.
Part 1:
Part 2:
And last but certainly not least, part 3:
This feud continues to this day, as T.I.'s latest album King features approximately 95% of the songs containing derogatory references to Lil' Flip and the rest of the gang from Cloverland. I have to say, based strictly on physical appearances, T.I. wins hands down. He may be the only decent-looking Southern rapper in the history of the Dirrty Dirrty (even though he's short, although he makes up for this by being what he calls "five-nine with the soul of a six-fo nigga"). T.I. is hot and entirely fuckable, and most women who aren't legally blind would likely pass on the absolutely hideous Lil' Flip and all other members of the Clover G'z.
Winner: NEITHER...this feud remains undecided, although based on album sales and acceptable standards for dental care, T.I. is leading by a longshot.
9. Westside Connection vs. Cypress Hill
10. James "LL Cool J" Smith vs. Germaine "Canibus" Williams
11. Howard "Chingy" Bailey, Jr. vs. Cornell "Nelly" Hayes, Jr.
No, I'm not talking about this Chingy!, although he is quite the baller:
I'm talking about this Chingy, and Nelly:
These two are fighting about who came up with the idea to use "urr" in their songs. Because apparently, these are the types of issues which cause crazy conflict in St. Louis.
As in, "It's gettin' hot in hurrrr, so take off all your clothes." (Nelly)
And as in, "I like it when you do that right thurrr, switch ya hips when ya walkin, let down your hurrrrr." (Chingy)
Are you kidding me? This beef is about who decided to rap with their regional accent first? Wow, that's really scary. I bet they're going to start making fun of each other's grills next! I'd be scared to death if I were both of them, because the only way this can possibly be settled is by exchanging gunfire somewhere in the hoods/suburbs where they grew up. Yes, this is an ultra-violent feud that will most likely be settled with hollow points. And by "hollow points," I mean piss-poor duets with Kelly Rowland.
WINNER: Are you kidding me? These two are both such studio gangstas, I think that Justin Timberlake would come out victorious if he chose to battle them. Maybe the junior high kids of the greater St. Louis area are taking sides on this one, but I'm not going to weigh in. They're both bitches.
12. Cameron "Cam'Ron" Giles vs. Rev. Mason "Ma$e" Betha
Years ago, Cam'Ron and Ma$e used to be pals and went by the names "Killa Kam" and "Murder Mase," respectively. However, they had a falling out when Ma$e ditched Cam and the Dip Set, becoming Puff Daddy's protege and signed with Bad Boy records. The joke was on Bad Boy, though, because shortly after, Ma$e renounced the rap industry and became a fundamentalist Christian minister in Georgia. However, his disgust with rap music was short-lived, as recently he attempted to make a comeback of sorts by releasing a Will Smith-esque album (no swearing, sexually exploitative lyrics, or reference to violence...in other words, no fun at all.)
The astute Cam'Ron took this opportunity to make comments to the effect that Ma$e was a hypocrite for his flip-flopping to serve Jee-SAWS Chraaast, and subsequent decision to return to "gangsta rap", if that's what Ma$e's work can be called (his last single "Breathe Stretch Shake" sounded like the soundtrack to the Turbo Jam workout tape; I haven't heard anything more unintentionally meant for a cardio step class since Olivia Newton John's "Let's Get Physical.")
13. N.W.A. vs. O'Shea "Ice Cube" Jackson
Cube accused Eazy-E and N.W.A. manager Jerry Heller of cheating him out of his paper, and left the group. N.W.A. responded by releasing a couple songs dissing him, calling him "Benedict Arnold," among other things (props to N.W.A. for knowledge of American history!). Cube responded by getting his first of many acting roles (we wouldn't have "Are We There Yet?" or "Ghosts of Mars" if it wasn't for Cube's debut role in "Boyz N The Hood," that's for sure). Anyway, Cube used his influence with director John Singleton to diss N.W.A. frontman Eazy-E in the movie itself. In one scene, Cube
suggested that a petty thief being beaten by a gang of teenagers should have a jheri-curl and a shirt reading "We Want Eazy." Then Cube labeled Eazy a snitch on his next album, referring to Eazy's attendance at a fundraising luncheon with President George Bush the First. Unfortunately, this beef was likewise squashed with Eazy's passing from AIDS, and Jerry Heller's fading into obscurity.
14. Shady/Aftermath vs. Jermaine Dupri
JD claimed to be a better producer than Dr. Dre or Timbaland, who both took offense. Dr. Dre then pointed out that JD's first major acts were Kriss Kross and Lil' Bow Wow. Then a bunch of forgettable songs dissing each other back and forth were released, before people even forgot that they hated each other. I mean, come on, Dr. Dre...you're way too big to let a smurf like Jermaine Dupri insult you.
15. Earl "DMX" Simmons vs. Ricardo "Kurupt" Brown
16. Cash Money Records vs. Christopher "B.G." Dorsey, Byron "Mannie Fresh" Thomas, and Terius "Juvenile" Gray
This started with some dispute over money, with B.G., Mannie Fresh, and Juvenile accusing Cash Money CEOs Brian "Baby/The Birdman" Williams and Ronald "Slim" Williams of shorting them. Everyone left the label except Lil' Wayne. Probably because all those fat boys didn't want his skinny ass around making them look even fatter. On a side note, I think it's absolutely fucking hysterical that Juvenile's given name is "Terius."